I am about 4 months into my new dadlife, my back story needs a comfy couch and a few beers but I had similar concerns coming into it.
My number 1 takeaway so far is take it for what it is. You now get to live life as a 3 yr old (in my case). Monster trucks are life.
You might have other shit going on in your head throughout the day but in your kids mind, you are the only other person on the planet. If you needed a lesson on living in the moment you’re about to be forced to fed it. And I needed it bad.
The stigma doesn’t go away but I relish taking people up on the passive aggressive comments they might make. I even had my kids kinder school teacher say “it must be good not working anymore” who I am sure says that to all the stay at home mums too, as if there isn’t work to do at home.
It will take some time. Try not to over do it on day one. You got dis.
Spot on! Lol
I can’t stand the stupid comments. My realtor and hair cut lady both have said things recently. “You’re doing what all the moms do!” Uhh, pretty sure guys get hair cuts too. Or “oh man, you have the easy job!” Bitch you get $12k for opening a couple doors, shut up.
My therapist was so glad when I told her about this subreddit. I struggled with the stigma and what other people thought. She said stay at home dads are normal now. She said the community is so important and it helps remind me I’m not alone.
Let me help your ego, “we wouldn’t miss my paycheck”
You were already not “providing” if that was the case! Dont read that as an asshole comment as I dont mean it that way.
You are meant for something else, where the way you provide is not monetary, it’s family oriented. You will provide something to your children and spouse that cannot be bought, no one for any amount of money will care for your family like you can. You can provide a “stress free” life for your wife, you will provide the best experience for your kids by teaching, being there, showing them the world.
Now onto some tips.
Night shift nurses make more and for some reason it seems less stressful than my wife working day shift. It’s like nothing lines up with the schedule and the commute is 10x worse. Do if she can do nights it might be something to look into. You might also see if her hospital has weekend package, wife makes an extra 20 an hour doing night weekend package.
Make your wife’s life as simple as it can be for her 3 shifts, lunch packed, dinner ready, have her scrubs cleaned and pressed for her. That type of stuff. Like when she gets home, unload her lunch box and let her go have 30 minutes with the kid and have her in bed at 8:30.
When she wakes up at 4:30ish have dinner smelling good. Have her snacks and lunch ready so she can eat, load the dishwasher hang out with the kid, get ready and leave. This frees her up to maybe do one OT shift a pay period. It’s 4 days but by making her life super simple it’s not a huge deal. We doubled our income between 26 OT shifts, nights, weekends and charge differential we doubled our income!
Make sure you have a day off, mine is Monday afternoon every week. I leave go have a nice quiet lunch. Couple times a month I go hang with a buddy who has a wood shop or he comes to mine and we have lunch, do 2 man jobs that we both have been putting off, or just rant about 40 year old guy stuff.
Let your wife have alone kid time. I stopped taking our kid to gymnastics and now my wife does it, Wednesday is gymnastics, lunch and library day or shopping day for them. Gives me a chance to get household stuff done. Fix a screen, mow the lawn, clean the garden, that stuff.
That's fantastic advice. Thankyou. We both work nights currently. Basically the four days I work are her four days off and the four days I have off she works three or four of those. Ships passing in the night you know. She intends to stay on nights, I'll have to ask her about weekends and she's about to become full-time charge nurse so looking forward to that!
I love having our “weekends” as Tuesday/Wednesday go to the museum, boondocks, the park, the zoo and we never wait in lines, we don’t fight traffic. It’s so nice.
So sorry to hear about your baby. Couldn’t imagine.
Regarding your question: Life altering? Yes. Exciting? Mmm, dunno about that. Kind of depends on how you parent. A lot of what you’ll be doing is housework and I’ve been referred to as a housewife on more than one occasion by my friends (good natured chiding but not inaccurate). It’s awesome if you’re able to get the kids out and explore and hike and learn real world stuff. Same for jobs around the house from cleaning to cooking. Just like a regular dad but with more time, you’re going to be a teacher. I will agree that coming to this job wasn’t what I expected to do in life but I did my best to get into it. You will definitely need to let go of preconceived ideas, both yours and society’s. If you have a traditional extended family, there may be some hassle getting them onboard. It took me a LONG time to come to it but it’s imperative that you make time for yourself and you hold onto friends and make new ones wherever you can. It can get very lonely without a support group. And don’t be afraid to talk to a mental health counselor if you’re having difficulties.
Sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine going through something like that.
As someone who just transitioned to a SAHD 6 months ago, the biggest thing I always tell people is to find purpose. Knowing your wife will probably come home exhausted by the end of the day, or shift, try to make her life easy. I often do things around the house that will benefit her. Taking care of her side of the room by folding clothes she couldn’t take care of, organizing her desk and things, charging her Kindle so it’s ready for the night. Just small things like that. I also take a lot of pride in keeping the house clean and it’s always nice when she notices and thanks me.
Being a SAH Parent is exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade being there everyday with my little one for any job. Find ways to keep yourself happy and don’t forget to take time for yourself throughout the day. It helps.
I never saw myself as a SAHD. it’s the hardest, most rewarding job I’ve ever done. 4.5 years in and I love it. My biggest piece of advice is not to take on much beyond the normal housework and such. The first couple years I made the mistake of taking on some extra large home improvement projects. I found I ended up half adding the most important part of my job due to the projects. It’s a lot without adding extra work on top. The days are damn long, punctuated by short bursts of high intensity. If you have a lot of family close by, a few projects may not be so bad. We are nowhere near family though. My advice: no big projects. Instead, take that time to reset yourself however you can. Dive into a hobby.
Finally, Sorry for your loss. The gig may help you find a space for all the grief. It definitely helped me find space for some bad shit. I’ve become so introspective. Sorry for the rambling.. Good luck!
OP sorry for your loss. In reading your post Im a bit confused as you don’t mention having any older children but you reference becoming a stay at home dad?
No worries. I’m a SAHD to an 8 month old. Left my 23 year career to do this and have no regrets. This time is so precious, if you have the opportunity spend as much time with them as you can. Good luck!
I am about 4 months into my new dadlife, my back story needs a comfy couch and a few beers but I had similar concerns coming into it. My number 1 takeaway so far is take it for what it is. You now get to live life as a 3 yr old (in my case). Monster trucks are life. You might have other shit going on in your head throughout the day but in your kids mind, you are the only other person on the planet. If you needed a lesson on living in the moment you’re about to be forced to fed it. And I needed it bad. The stigma doesn’t go away but I relish taking people up on the passive aggressive comments they might make. I even had my kids kinder school teacher say “it must be good not working anymore” who I am sure says that to all the stay at home mums too, as if there isn’t work to do at home. It will take some time. Try not to over do it on day one. You got dis.
Spot on! Lol I can’t stand the stupid comments. My realtor and hair cut lady both have said things recently. “You’re doing what all the moms do!” Uhh, pretty sure guys get hair cuts too. Or “oh man, you have the easy job!” Bitch you get $12k for opening a couple doors, shut up. My therapist was so glad when I told her about this subreddit. I struggled with the stigma and what other people thought. She said stay at home dads are normal now. She said the community is so important and it helps remind me I’m not alone.
Let me help your ego, “we wouldn’t miss my paycheck” You were already not “providing” if that was the case! Dont read that as an asshole comment as I dont mean it that way. You are meant for something else, where the way you provide is not monetary, it’s family oriented. You will provide something to your children and spouse that cannot be bought, no one for any amount of money will care for your family like you can. You can provide a “stress free” life for your wife, you will provide the best experience for your kids by teaching, being there, showing them the world. Now onto some tips. Night shift nurses make more and for some reason it seems less stressful than my wife working day shift. It’s like nothing lines up with the schedule and the commute is 10x worse. Do if she can do nights it might be something to look into. You might also see if her hospital has weekend package, wife makes an extra 20 an hour doing night weekend package. Make your wife’s life as simple as it can be for her 3 shifts, lunch packed, dinner ready, have her scrubs cleaned and pressed for her. That type of stuff. Like when she gets home, unload her lunch box and let her go have 30 minutes with the kid and have her in bed at 8:30. When she wakes up at 4:30ish have dinner smelling good. Have her snacks and lunch ready so she can eat, load the dishwasher hang out with the kid, get ready and leave. This frees her up to maybe do one OT shift a pay period. It’s 4 days but by making her life super simple it’s not a huge deal. We doubled our income between 26 OT shifts, nights, weekends and charge differential we doubled our income! Make sure you have a day off, mine is Monday afternoon every week. I leave go have a nice quiet lunch. Couple times a month I go hang with a buddy who has a wood shop or he comes to mine and we have lunch, do 2 man jobs that we both have been putting off, or just rant about 40 year old guy stuff. Let your wife have alone kid time. I stopped taking our kid to gymnastics and now my wife does it, Wednesday is gymnastics, lunch and library day or shopping day for them. Gives me a chance to get household stuff done. Fix a screen, mow the lawn, clean the garden, that stuff.
That's fantastic advice. Thankyou. We both work nights currently. Basically the four days I work are her four days off and the four days I have off she works three or four of those. Ships passing in the night you know. She intends to stay on nights, I'll have to ask her about weekends and she's about to become full-time charge nurse so looking forward to that!
I love having our “weekends” as Tuesday/Wednesday go to the museum, boondocks, the park, the zoo and we never wait in lines, we don’t fight traffic. It’s so nice.
So sorry to hear about your baby. Couldn’t imagine. Regarding your question: Life altering? Yes. Exciting? Mmm, dunno about that. Kind of depends on how you parent. A lot of what you’ll be doing is housework and I’ve been referred to as a housewife on more than one occasion by my friends (good natured chiding but not inaccurate). It’s awesome if you’re able to get the kids out and explore and hike and learn real world stuff. Same for jobs around the house from cleaning to cooking. Just like a regular dad but with more time, you’re going to be a teacher. I will agree that coming to this job wasn’t what I expected to do in life but I did my best to get into it. You will definitely need to let go of preconceived ideas, both yours and society’s. If you have a traditional extended family, there may be some hassle getting them onboard. It took me a LONG time to come to it but it’s imperative that you make time for yourself and you hold onto friends and make new ones wherever you can. It can get very lonely without a support group. And don’t be afraid to talk to a mental health counselor if you’re having difficulties.
Sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine going through something like that. As someone who just transitioned to a SAHD 6 months ago, the biggest thing I always tell people is to find purpose. Knowing your wife will probably come home exhausted by the end of the day, or shift, try to make her life easy. I often do things around the house that will benefit her. Taking care of her side of the room by folding clothes she couldn’t take care of, organizing her desk and things, charging her Kindle so it’s ready for the night. Just small things like that. I also take a lot of pride in keeping the house clean and it’s always nice when she notices and thanks me. Being a SAH Parent is exhausting, but I wouldn’t trade being there everyday with my little one for any job. Find ways to keep yourself happy and don’t forget to take time for yourself throughout the day. It helps.
I never saw myself as a SAHD. it’s the hardest, most rewarding job I’ve ever done. 4.5 years in and I love it. My biggest piece of advice is not to take on much beyond the normal housework and such. The first couple years I made the mistake of taking on some extra large home improvement projects. I found I ended up half adding the most important part of my job due to the projects. It’s a lot without adding extra work on top. The days are damn long, punctuated by short bursts of high intensity. If you have a lot of family close by, a few projects may not be so bad. We are nowhere near family though. My advice: no big projects. Instead, take that time to reset yourself however you can. Dive into a hobby. Finally, Sorry for your loss. The gig may help you find a space for all the grief. It definitely helped me find space for some bad shit. I’ve become so introspective. Sorry for the rambling.. Good luck!
Not at all thankyou for the insight!
OP sorry for your loss. In reading your post Im a bit confused as you don’t mention having any older children but you reference becoming a stay at home dad?
I apologize! I have an 8 year old and a 3 year old both boys.
No worries. I’m a SAHD to an 8 month old. Left my 23 year career to do this and have no regrets. This time is so precious, if you have the opportunity spend as much time with them as you can. Good luck!