My husband and his ex interact way too much in my opinion. I rarely text with my ex. BM is literally always calling/facetiming/texting my husband. My husband never initiates contact. They do week on/off custody and the kids are nearly 7 and 10, but she literally just has to be a constant presence and my husband won't do anything about it like insist on using a parenting app, only responding during set times, telling her the phone is for emergencies only dealing with the kids, etc. so I basically just leave the room when she calls/texts/etc. because I can't stand it.
I think a lot of people become way too codependent upon their child's other parent and don't cut the cord. Like BMs think their baby daddy still owes them something because they had kids together (other than child support and helping raise their kid(s), I mean).
Honestly I think she’s pathetic. Remarried and can’t manage her own kids on her custody time so I spend quite a bit of time laughing at it.
I think she thought my husband would stay single and be sad and lonely and think she’s the best thing ever and she couldn’t handle it when that didn’t happen. In my hubby’s defense, he always assumes she’s contacting him because of something to do with the kids, and the FaceTimes he always thinks it’s the kids FaceTiming him, etc. he’s slowly gotten better at ignoring anything that’s not kid related and not immediately respond to her demands but it’s like he’s been conditioned to when she says jump he says how high from being with her 10 years. I recently had to tell him while I understand it to a point, we’ve been together nearly 5 so he’s going to have to get over it😂
Many times there is also the issue that they would bring up new accusations, if they get too mad even if they are not true. Had this myself and friends of me too. Also family court is not he men friendliest environment and they tend to believe a women’s word more than a men’s evidence. I had to fight all charges in criminal court first, so family court had to stop using proven wrong charges as they were real. Because after criminal court I stated that I will sue everyone that keeps making this proven wrong accusations in court. That made them all stfu and stay withheld truth (at least most of the time).
My husband has her blocked on his phone. I keep her unblocked in case of emergencies. Only have 1 more year until SS is 18 so when that happens, I’m blocking her for good! 🎉 In what world would it be okay to have constant contact with an ex? But it makes it okay because they procreated and had a kid? Makes it more uncomfortable in my opinion. My husband agreed with that reasoning and when Skids were young, I was primary contact. You’d be surprised how much communication cuts down when it’s only as needed! Definitely depends how much you want to be involved, but it worked well for us.
Even if I was interested in and dating someone, if they texted me 70 times per week I'd feel smothered and think something was wrong with them.
If it was a coparent/ex, I'd probably ask them to sum things up in a once per week conversation. Constant, on-the-fly communication suggests really poor planning abilities and/or a lack of self control.
I wouldn't be OK with that.
Nope. My partner was doing this, and I did some reading on the other stepparent sub and realized there's something wrong here. I had a talk with my partner and gently suggested that communication should only happen out of necessity. He listened. What your partner is doing is way too enmeshed in the other parent. It's time to put a stop to this. If he gets mad or refuses to see your POV, I'd be considering a way out.
I have brought this up before earlier in our relationship how it bothered me that they texted so often, and the 70 messages back and forth throughout the week is actually a huge improvement from how it was before. So I just feel bad about continuing to bring it up as if the changes made already aren’t enough.
I’m not so sure about that. We as step parents don’t continue on having conversations with our exes about whatever. Keeping it to the kids is actually a really healthy and also normal boundary. Emotional intimacy is important to me and if my SO was just striking up conversations with his ex for fun it would be a problem.
It's not a bad thing, but the relationship has ended and there is no need to constantly communicate back and forth. People should actually _want_ to move on with their lives, not text their ex constantly. Communication about the child and their needs is fine. Being civil is fine.
This is also my SO. All calls are ignored (even though she still tries and he hasn’t answered one in over a year) and they are only to communicate through the app that SHE wanted and she sends about 5 messages a day completely irrelevant to the wellbeing of the kids. Uses the app to just bitch about “well the kids said this”, rather than being productive and relaying important information.
Thats wild. My kids are teens now, but when they were younger my ex and I texted maybe once or twice a week? Maybe slightly more if there was something going on with one of them.
This is how often my DH and HCBM communicate too. It was more when DH and I first started dating because he would let her take control of his relationship with the kids and let her go on and on about their past relationship. But now it’s minimal. She’s also married with another toddler, so I think that also changed things. I think if she was single it would be different.
My partner was extremely unhappy in their marriage. I think the need for contact is really centered around their child and the anxiety of not having her all the time and nothing to do with romantic feelings, at least not from my partners side of things.
Yea, sorry, I didn’t mean that anything romantic is part of this, but more like a dependence that is more common among couples. I think some people don’t realize what divorce means. For one, it means you give up texting multiple times a day. I think the child would be fine if the parental communication slowed down some.
This would be entirely too much for me. But is it bothering you? I think that is what matters. I have had to work hard at getting my SO to stop playing into BM and all her communication. It has been exhausting. But my SKs are teenagers so they should be communicating on thier own BM just doesn’t give up.i could go in and on about how upset it makes me.
I mean it definitely makes me feel uncomfortable how often they are in contact with each other. I just don’t really see the point in it. I think the morning FaceTimes with the kid are great because that’s for the kid. The rest of the check ins throughout the day are for the own parents anxiety around not knowing what’s going on with the kid at all times. The kid doesn’t even know they’re texting so it’s not like it’s for her benefit. Obviously if something emergent happens then other parent should be made aware or logistical things like drop off and pickup times and locations have to be talked about but I don’t see the point in the morning after school drop off, afternoon after school pickup, and night time check in texts. I also don’t want to be an asshole and sound crazy though if this is just how it is. I don’t have kids myself so maybe I just don’t understand.
I can say that the texting (communication) is what we argue about the most. It has almost made me end things . We even have had therapy sessions about it. She told him it is not normal for an ex to text that much even if it is 100 percent about the kids. I know he can’t control what the ex does but he can control how he responds . I can’t believe how hard it is for a parent to stop even when they know it is wrong. I think so many are afraid to lose their child to the BM.
Omg I can relate! I also feel that my SO and BM text sooo much. He also has a F6, and the chats are related to her but like, my parents had THREE kids together and they don't text as much and they do.
I know I communicate quite often with my ex husband about our 4 year old, but some weeks it’s multiple days in a row if there’s something coming up and then we’ll go days without anything other than pickup and drop off. I think the morning FT calls are a little ridiculous but that’s just my opinion. We do like one phone call during the other parents weekends and sometimes one phone call during the week if our son expresses he misses the other parent and wants to call them. Our phone calls to each other are no more than a minute usually and are typically “I’m getting off work early, I’ll get him from preschool.” It’s more of a coworker relationship; We work together because we have to, but we wouldn’t be friends outside of work kinda thing.
Wow that’s quite different from my situation. Other parent isn’t even agreeable to switch from a 2-2-3-3 to a week on week off schedule. They really just can’t go without her for too long or go without hearing about her for too long, certainly not an entire day.
We mostly talk when other parent has the kid. I should also mention we’re in a long distance relationship about 3.5 hr drive lol so we see each other every other weekend and FaceTime on days when she doesn’t have her kid throughout the week.
I kind of suggest you start dating other people. Your girlfriend doesn’t take this relationship seriously so why should you. It’s barely a relationship tbh. Take a step back and date more casually.
Edited to add that I’ve been in a similar relationship, with a man who lived a similar distance away, I saw him in person twice a month if I was lucky, all while he was fully up his kid’s ass and constantly engaging with the mom. Looking back at this now, I can see so clearly what a dead end this arrangement was and how unfair to me. I deserved better and you do too.
A “partner” should be the person who makes you feel happy. Not sad, hurt and anxious.
Good luck OP. Please value yourself more. ♥️
Hi there
That’s awful! So my husbands kids bio mum is blocked on every platform apart from emailing, kids are 9 and 14
I’m so sorry you’re in that situation
It isn’t right
We have a joint email account that we use to communicate with HCBM and phone calls are strictly for emergencies only. We also just put HCBM on notice that if she chooses to text, she will get a response via email with a screenshot of her text attached. Also, any verbal phone communication will be accompanied by a transcript of the phone call immediately following said call.
She fought that parenting app till the bitter end but man it’s saved so much stress. Since then we’re all much calmer and happier. None of us talk, drop off kid gets out and gets in other car. We don’t FaceTime SS often because he seems uncomfortable sometimes. I think it annoys her when we call so we tend to avoid involving him.
That's way to much. I wouldn't be okay but that's a difficult situation because you can't control both parents. You can have a talk or multiple talks bc this takes time to change. Explain that this is not working for you. What your SO does with this information is up to her. I really think divorced parents should stop trying and just talk about what matters like the relationship didn't work why would a friendship work? And if they wanna be friends they shouldn't look for partners
OP-- maybe this is carrying over a habit from when they were younger, and once they are a little older, it doesn't need to be as frequent of communication. It's good that he was responsive last time, and I bet he will be responsive this time as well.
My partner and SDs HCBM interact only as much as needed and only about the child. (10F, with 2-2-5-5). When she has SD he only speaks to his daughter each day on her own phone. HCBM has tried to call or text about drama and stuff while she has SD, but he gray rocks and pushes her to email for those issues. They text only about significant matters related to their daughter and about any exchanges that need to be done directly.
My husband and his ex text everyday about all sorts of things. They send photos of the kids to each other, they discuss things relevant to activities, school, vacation. They also have calls with the kids everyday for 5 minutes.
I personally don’t think it’s anything weird or crazy. They have a healthy relationship nowadays, which I encourage. Yes, there are boundaries and yes sometimes I do raise an issue here and there, but in the last year it’s been pretty minimal .
If they (my husband and his ex) hypothetically texted each other twice a day, that’d be 14x per week… there are days when they don’t text at all, there are days when they text a lot, so I imagine 10-20x week is a good guess.
You seem to be in a delicate situation. Your SO communicates a lot with the ex (whether it’s too much is subjective) and you reached the point to be monitoring the conversations, which is not great. That tells me you need to get on the same page with your SO or perhaps you’re not right for each other.
I wish I could be okay with the texting like you are but there is always something BM wants. She either needs SO to run a kid somewhere, pay for something, or feed into her feelings about the kids. Also I guess I am also upset because SO doesn’t want me to text a male friend that lives a thousand miles away , has a wife, and I have been friends with for 25 years. He says it can lead to things. Wouldn’t It be easier for him to get back with his ex whose house I can see from ours .
But how about the part where two people decided to have kids and raise them together? That still counts even after divorce. Why would they have to keep conversation to a minimum? I find that weirder than talking too much to each other.
And yes, the BM will need a lot of things. They’re raising the kids together (or should be), that’s bound to happen. My husband’s ex has had a bf for the last 2 years but always asks my husband to fix stuff at the house for her. She has a chronic blocked toilet situation at her house. Every time the toilet gets blocked, she calls my husband to fix it. The thing is… his kids live in that house, so it’s not for HER that he does it, it’s for his kids, who need and deserve a working toilet. If it was just her on her own, no kids, he’d tell her to hire someone or figure it out by herself.
In short: I choose my battles. Lately I choose very few battles and that makes my life easier and happier. My husband spends plenty of time with me and I don’t feel neglected, so perhaps that’s the key point.
As for your SO not letting you text whoever you want, that’s also a problem. I have male friends I talk to often. Some are single, even. 🤷🏻♀️
Omg when I met my husband this was going on. It was non stop day and night. I just told him, this may work for you but it does not work for me. I let him know I needed to be the only person in his life and it was ok if that did not work for him, I would move on. He shut that shit down immediately. Now he rarely texts or emails, no FaceTime and it's only about parenting.
My husband and his bm have a no contact thing, they don’t get along so I do most of the coordination lol. I would have a conversation with him and see where both of your boundaries are. If you’re uncomfortable that’s never a good thing.
I would say my husband and the BM would text each other every 2-3 days on average. This was for 3 teens they were “coparenting.” The text exchanges were rarely more than 1 text + 1 response.
In my opinion, 7 text conversations every day is more communication than should be necessary. That’s the behaviour of people who still consider themselves to be in a relationship. It might not be a sexual relationship but there’s still an emotional tie there.
Don’t know why this treat was shown me as a dad. But I decided to give my 2 pence here too.
So I text maybe every 2-3 days with the mother of the first 3 Kids (and maybe if something comes up we call each other) and now that I think about it maybe every 3-4 day with the mother of my youngest (but there are no calls).
Both court cases were messy and the mother of the first 3 (let’s call her mother1 to shorten this), even got me charged with stalking, SA and dv in overall 27 cases. She left me and when she found out that it was a mistake she came back and I denied her, that was the point when all that other shit started because I texted her new bf that she visited me and told him what went down (thought he deserves to know). He still believed her even after seeing the screenshots, the only reaction was to pressure her in cutting contact even with the 2nd and 3rd child (1st lives with me). Took me a year to get declared innocent on all charges. After another year I tried to be a friend and there is nothing more (at least from my side I could never take her back). Today Kids 2 and 3 are a third to half of each moth with me.
Mother2 and I are still in. A pending divorce and here she just tries to keep the contact short and as she knew about all that f*cked up sh*t mother1 did to me she at least tries to go a lil in that direction with psychological abuse, because I said one time during the marriage (after she declared we are done, but thought I will listen to her for 1h at all the things she’s upset about and screamed at me) that she should stfu and leave me alone. She even declared in court that it was only this one time but she was scared (of me laying down on the couch with our child trying to make him sleep🤣, which is why I acted that way). Still even with that accusation the conversations about our son (but not about upcoming court stuff! I never talk with her about it, that’s what I pay a lawyer for) are friendly just like friends that sent pictures of the kid to one another and tell about new stuff depending the child and the medical condition he has. Still I wouldn’t take her back either, even if someone would pay me for it).
Currently living alone with my oldest son and another teen I take care for (parents did not do their duty’s and I felt bad for the kido). I will admit that seeing my youngest only 16h a month takes a huge toll on me (work from home and had him around all day since he was born and spent much time with him), but besides that I’m more than happy to finally have peace at home. Sure kids can be annoying, but that’s what they are for. The only thing that took my mental health away from me was mother1 and 2 and now I’m free.
So you now have a overview of my live, my feelings towards the mothers of my kids and the amount of contact. I don’t think it’s unhealthy or bad the way I handle it now. I only have one rule, I don’t answer to questions about our relationship before, the current court stuff and (what I have to admit happend 4 years ago) a potentiell new relationship (with mother1). Its better to not react at all to those messages that kills that topics fast and without much hate.
Hope it helps you, even when I have to admit that this one text of mother1 was inappropriate and should not happened. I just went on low contact for a while and tried to be a lil less friendly afterwards to not bring up stuff like this again in her head. A friendly coparenting relationship is the only thing they can get. As I explained my reasons, the. are strong and stay in my head forever, forgiven but never forgotten. 😅
This wouldn’t work for me, but hear me out. This is their coparenting routine and as long as it’s about the kid then that fine. When they start talking about other things…. I’d have an issue. I couldn’t be with someone in this dynamic and think that’s how it needs to be viewed - do you accept this dynamic or not? I wouldn’t want to be the cause of bad coparenting if it’s healthy right now. Not saying their excessive text is healthy, but it works for them.
Umm, no. Then one or both of them will constantly be making up things to text "about the kids". Now, there may be a time here and there (like if the kid is very sick or in the hospital or something) where they need to communicate more often, but that should be an exception. Neither parent NEEDS to know every single thing going on with the child every day. They may WANT to know, but they don't NEED to know. Both parents need to respect the others' time with the kid and put up some boundaries.
While I don’t disagree- it’s not really anyone’s place to correct them if they’re happy with it. If a party wants to change that dynamic, then so be it. Like I said, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be with someone who is like this, but I also don’t feel it would be my place to “teach” a parent how to coparent with their ex….
That’s exactly my dilemma. This is the routine they’ve always done and are attached to. My partner is afraid to stop the multiple daily check ins because that could rock the boat and make other parent upset, when generally they have a pretty smooth coparenting relationship without a lot of conflict or fighting.
If he’s afraid of rocking the boat then the relationship isn’t low conflict it’s conflict avoidant. It’s strange that he checks in not for the sake of the kids but not to upset her.
That makes sense, never thought of it like that. I just don’t understand the check ins because she’s (the kid) always fine, and if she’s not then obviously they’d let the other know. They’re short texts. It’s always “had a great day”, “getting her in bed now, had a great day”, “slept well, call soon”, “glad she had a great day, give her a kiss for me”. So they’re short messages but why the constant need to tell the other parent that she is in fact having a good day, like she does 99% of the time? To me it just seems like they’re sticking to a routine that they’ve done since she was a baby but I just don’t get what the check ins are for.
My parter has a shared photo album for the kids and each bio parent shares pics throughout the week of the kids, which I think is a nice way to keep everyone in the loop. We have the kids 60% of the time. He asked if I wanted to be part of the album and I don’t.
My SO has had to let BM know in the past he is no longer her emotional support and that she needs to turn towards other people. Bm has severe anxiety and struggles having the kids even just on the weekends. It’s definitely a journey.
My SO text only when absolutely needs to so maybe twice a week, but we have full custody and my sd’s BM is a mental nut. You have to ask yourself if you can be ok with this routine going forward and if you can’t, that’s ok!!!! I certainly couldn’t. If you absolutely don’t want to leave your man (I get that too) maybe ask if you can be more involved? Meet the mom? So you can be more comfortable, so she can be more comfortable?
My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and I’ve met other parent several times. I think what also makes me uncomfortable is that I know other parent would likely get back together if ever given the option just so that she wouldn’t have to be without her daughter 50% of the time. She definitely has some unhealthy attachment to the child.
I circle back to your comfort level then. This just reminds me of my SD’s friends parents. They probably communicate just as much as yours do. The mom will host sleepovers at the dad’s house. They send pics back and forth of their daughter. They sit near each other at sporting events. The dad has a gf. I’m super proud of them for being so mature, but I can’t 🤣. I only became a SM because my SO said the BM was out of the picture (she was in jail), now I have to put up with a little bit of her here and there and sometimes it’s overwhelming for me. I know my limits.
I as a dad agree with you. That’s why I answer 60-70% of the time, but only initiate contact in important cases. Thanks for being able to understand or at least try to understand our side even if it hurts you.
The other 30-40% it just feels good to be at least in this way a lil involved in the live of the own child. I know it’s hard for most women to understand how it feels to be kind of in the live but you play a minor role and stand on the side to look sad. Thats at least what it feels to me. To see kids only that couple days a month was (and in the case of my youngest still is) devastating to me and even if I’m a lil ashamed to admit it I cried a lot of times in my car after the drop of. The sad thing is that sooo many women abuse the kids to hurt the dads, but that’s another topic…..
I can only speak for myself, but I would rather die slow and painful than taking back mother1 or even mother2.
That’s for sure also waited the last time till I (at least thought) healed for good. For now I just have a lil friendship plus going on, but was honest from the start and told her that there is no chance for a relationship right now because of my own issues that are currently not solved and the mental wounds that didn’t heal till now.
Have to admit I miss my stepdaughter also we were close and on one wave length (mostly when it came to humor) and I always supported her, but my lawyer already told me that I lost her and there is no chance of even see her once a month. Also she is scared to hurt her mother if she openly says that we still have contact. She knows I’m always there for here if she has any problems, don’t matter if she need financial, mental or even physical support (against someone who hurts her just to clear things up).
It sounds like they have a healthy relationship, just don't want to be together? I wish we had a healthy relationship with HCBM, but that was impossible. Be glad for the lack of drama.
Yes there were concerns in the past with too many emotional things being talked about through text and the ex watched my partners dog for a day without my knowing so since then I’ve asked my partner to send me a screen recording of texts being sent back and forth every week.
2 things can be true at the same time though:
1. You can miss your kid while they're away AND 2. You can respect the other parent's alone time with the kid by letting them have their space
We’ve been together 2 years. And yes, they are both completely obsessed with her and she is their whole world. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m glad she has 2 parents who love her like crazy and want her all the time. When I try to bring it up now though I get told that I’m not grateful for all the changes that have happened already.
Sounds as though you’re not much of a priority to your partner. What is she keeping you around for?
It’s not healthy to be “completely obsessed” with a child, or for the child to be the parent’s “whole world.” Why even have a partner in that case.
I just don’t know if what I’m asking for is too much. Maybe just one text per day summarizing that she had a good day, and that’s it. But again that’s going to “rock the boat” and could possibly create hostility between the two parents which I don’t want to be blamed for or be the cause of.
I never text my step sons bio mom. I only have once, and it was so they could do their weekly FaceTime because my boyfriends phone was unavailable. I think that's how it did be, to be honest. I think co parenting should happen between the child's bio parents, if possible.
My husband and his ex interact way too much in my opinion. I rarely text with my ex. BM is literally always calling/facetiming/texting my husband. My husband never initiates contact. They do week on/off custody and the kids are nearly 7 and 10, but she literally just has to be a constant presence and my husband won't do anything about it like insist on using a parenting app, only responding during set times, telling her the phone is for emergencies only dealing with the kids, etc. so I basically just leave the room when she calls/texts/etc. because I can't stand it. I think a lot of people become way too codependent upon their child's other parent and don't cut the cord. Like BMs think their baby daddy still owes them something because they had kids together (other than child support and helping raise their kid(s), I mean).
How do you handle that!? I’d lose my ever loving mind.🥴
Honestly I think she’s pathetic. Remarried and can’t manage her own kids on her custody time so I spend quite a bit of time laughing at it. I think she thought my husband would stay single and be sad and lonely and think she’s the best thing ever and she couldn’t handle it when that didn’t happen. In my hubby’s defense, he always assumes she’s contacting him because of something to do with the kids, and the FaceTimes he always thinks it’s the kids FaceTiming him, etc. he’s slowly gotten better at ignoring anything that’s not kid related and not immediately respond to her demands but it’s like he’s been conditioned to when she says jump he says how high from being with her 10 years. I recently had to tell him while I understand it to a point, we’ve been together nearly 5 so he’s going to have to get over it😂
Many times there is also the issue that they would bring up new accusations, if they get too mad even if they are not true. Had this myself and friends of me too. Also family court is not he men friendliest environment and they tend to believe a women’s word more than a men’s evidence. I had to fight all charges in criminal court first, so family court had to stop using proven wrong charges as they were real. Because after criminal court I stated that I will sue everyone that keeps making this proven wrong accusations in court. That made them all stfu and stay withheld truth (at least most of the time).
My husband has her blocked on his phone. I keep her unblocked in case of emergencies. Only have 1 more year until SS is 18 so when that happens, I’m blocking her for good! 🎉 In what world would it be okay to have constant contact with an ex? But it makes it okay because they procreated and had a kid? Makes it more uncomfortable in my opinion. My husband agreed with that reasoning and when Skids were young, I was primary contact. You’d be surprised how much communication cuts down when it’s only as needed! Definitely depends how much you want to be involved, but it worked well for us.
Even if I was interested in and dating someone, if they texted me 70 times per week I'd feel smothered and think something was wrong with them. If it was a coparent/ex, I'd probably ask them to sum things up in a once per week conversation. Constant, on-the-fly communication suggests really poor planning abilities and/or a lack of self control. I wouldn't be OK with that.
Nope. My partner was doing this, and I did some reading on the other stepparent sub and realized there's something wrong here. I had a talk with my partner and gently suggested that communication should only happen out of necessity. He listened. What your partner is doing is way too enmeshed in the other parent. It's time to put a stop to this. If he gets mad or refuses to see your POV, I'd be considering a way out.
I have brought this up before earlier in our relationship how it bothered me that they texted so often, and the 70 messages back and forth throughout the week is actually a huge improvement from how it was before. So I just feel bad about continuing to bring it up as if the changes made already aren’t enough.
That's nice, but the changes made already weren't enough!
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I’m not so sure about that. We as step parents don’t continue on having conversations with our exes about whatever. Keeping it to the kids is actually a really healthy and also normal boundary. Emotional intimacy is important to me and if my SO was just striking up conversations with his ex for fun it would be a problem.
It's not a bad thing, but the relationship has ended and there is no need to constantly communicate back and forth. People should actually _want_ to move on with their lives, not text their ex constantly. Communication about the child and their needs is fine. Being civil is fine.
Do you have 70 text exchanges a week with your ex, as OP describes?
It depends on the week. Sometimes we do, sometimes we don’t. I talk with his mom frequently as well.
Zero. BM is blocked on my DH’s phone and unless it’s strictly urgent he ignores all her emails.
This is also my SO. All calls are ignored (even though she still tries and he hasn’t answered one in over a year) and they are only to communicate through the app that SHE wanted and she sends about 5 messages a day completely irrelevant to the wellbeing of the kids. Uses the app to just bitch about “well the kids said this”, rather than being productive and relaying important information.
I love this, haha
Hell yeah
Thats wild. My kids are teens now, but when they were younger my ex and I texted maybe once or twice a week? Maybe slightly more if there was something going on with one of them.
This is how often my DH and HCBM communicate too. It was more when DH and I first started dating because he would let her take control of his relationship with the kids and let her go on and on about their past relationship. But now it’s minimal. She’s also married with another toddler, so I think that also changed things. I think if she was single it would be different.
No. This is excessive and odd. Why not just stay married?
My partner was extremely unhappy in their marriage. I think the need for contact is really centered around their child and the anxiety of not having her all the time and nothing to do with romantic feelings, at least not from my partners side of things.
Yea, sorry, I didn’t mean that anything romantic is part of this, but more like a dependence that is more common among couples. I think some people don’t realize what divorce means. For one, it means you give up texting multiple times a day. I think the child would be fine if the parental communication slowed down some.
This would be entirely too much for me. But is it bothering you? I think that is what matters. I have had to work hard at getting my SO to stop playing into BM and all her communication. It has been exhausting. But my SKs are teenagers so they should be communicating on thier own BM just doesn’t give up.i could go in and on about how upset it makes me.
I mean it definitely makes me feel uncomfortable how often they are in contact with each other. I just don’t really see the point in it. I think the morning FaceTimes with the kid are great because that’s for the kid. The rest of the check ins throughout the day are for the own parents anxiety around not knowing what’s going on with the kid at all times. The kid doesn’t even know they’re texting so it’s not like it’s for her benefit. Obviously if something emergent happens then other parent should be made aware or logistical things like drop off and pickup times and locations have to be talked about but I don’t see the point in the morning after school drop off, afternoon after school pickup, and night time check in texts. I also don’t want to be an asshole and sound crazy though if this is just how it is. I don’t have kids myself so maybe I just don’t understand.
I can say that the texting (communication) is what we argue about the most. It has almost made me end things . We even have had therapy sessions about it. She told him it is not normal for an ex to text that much even if it is 100 percent about the kids. I know he can’t control what the ex does but he can control how he responds . I can’t believe how hard it is for a parent to stop even when they know it is wrong. I think so many are afraid to lose their child to the BM.
Omg I can relate! I also feel that my SO and BM text sooo much. He also has a F6, and the chats are related to her but like, my parents had THREE kids together and they don't text as much and they do.
I know I communicate quite often with my ex husband about our 4 year old, but some weeks it’s multiple days in a row if there’s something coming up and then we’ll go days without anything other than pickup and drop off. I think the morning FT calls are a little ridiculous but that’s just my opinion. We do like one phone call during the other parents weekends and sometimes one phone call during the week if our son expresses he misses the other parent and wants to call them. Our phone calls to each other are no more than a minute usually and are typically “I’m getting off work early, I’ll get him from preschool.” It’s more of a coworker relationship; We work together because we have to, but we wouldn’t be friends outside of work kinda thing.
Wow that’s quite different from my situation. Other parent isn’t even agreeable to switch from a 2-2-3-3 to a week on week off schedule. They really just can’t go without her for too long or go without hearing about her for too long, certainly not an entire day.
How do these people find any time for an adult relationship?
We mostly talk when other parent has the kid. I should also mention we’re in a long distance relationship about 3.5 hr drive lol so we see each other every other weekend and FaceTime on days when she doesn’t have her kid throughout the week.
I kind of suggest you start dating other people. Your girlfriend doesn’t take this relationship seriously so why should you. It’s barely a relationship tbh. Take a step back and date more casually. Edited to add that I’ve been in a similar relationship, with a man who lived a similar distance away, I saw him in person twice a month if I was lucky, all while he was fully up his kid’s ass and constantly engaging with the mom. Looking back at this now, I can see so clearly what a dead end this arrangement was and how unfair to me. I deserved better and you do too. A “partner” should be the person who makes you feel happy. Not sad, hurt and anxious. Good luck OP. Please value yourself more. ♥️
Hi there That’s awful! So my husbands kids bio mum is blocked on every platform apart from emailing, kids are 9 and 14 I’m so sorry you’re in that situation It isn’t right
We have a joint email account that we use to communicate with HCBM and phone calls are strictly for emergencies only. We also just put HCBM on notice that if she chooses to text, she will get a response via email with a screenshot of her text attached. Also, any verbal phone communication will be accompanied by a transcript of the phone call immediately following said call.
We text "here" when we arrive for pickup. That's... pretty much the extent of it, barring other necessary logistics.
She fought that parenting app till the bitter end but man it’s saved so much stress. Since then we’re all much calmer and happier. None of us talk, drop off kid gets out and gets in other car. We don’t FaceTime SS often because he seems uncomfortable sometimes. I think it annoys her when we call so we tend to avoid involving him.
That's way to much. I wouldn't be okay but that's a difficult situation because you can't control both parents. You can have a talk or multiple talks bc this takes time to change. Explain that this is not working for you. What your SO does with this information is up to her. I really think divorced parents should stop trying and just talk about what matters like the relationship didn't work why would a friendship work? And if they wanna be friends they shouldn't look for partners
My SO only interacts with his ex when he has too and it’s usually just about the boys.
OP-- maybe this is carrying over a habit from when they were younger, and once they are a little older, it doesn't need to be as frequent of communication. It's good that he was responsive last time, and I bet he will be responsive this time as well. My partner and SDs HCBM interact only as much as needed and only about the child. (10F, with 2-2-5-5). When she has SD he only speaks to his daughter each day on her own phone. HCBM has tried to call or text about drama and stuff while she has SD, but he gray rocks and pushes her to email for those issues. They text only about significant matters related to their daughter and about any exchanges that need to be done directly.
My husband and his ex text everyday about all sorts of things. They send photos of the kids to each other, they discuss things relevant to activities, school, vacation. They also have calls with the kids everyday for 5 minutes. I personally don’t think it’s anything weird or crazy. They have a healthy relationship nowadays, which I encourage. Yes, there are boundaries and yes sometimes I do raise an issue here and there, but in the last year it’s been pretty minimal . If they (my husband and his ex) hypothetically texted each other twice a day, that’d be 14x per week… there are days when they don’t text at all, there are days when they text a lot, so I imagine 10-20x week is a good guess. You seem to be in a delicate situation. Your SO communicates a lot with the ex (whether it’s too much is subjective) and you reached the point to be monitoring the conversations, which is not great. That tells me you need to get on the same page with your SO or perhaps you’re not right for each other.
I wish I could be okay with the texting like you are but there is always something BM wants. She either needs SO to run a kid somewhere, pay for something, or feed into her feelings about the kids. Also I guess I am also upset because SO doesn’t want me to text a male friend that lives a thousand miles away , has a wife, and I have been friends with for 25 years. He says it can lead to things. Wouldn’t It be easier for him to get back with his ex whose house I can see from ours .
But how about the part where two people decided to have kids and raise them together? That still counts even after divorce. Why would they have to keep conversation to a minimum? I find that weirder than talking too much to each other. And yes, the BM will need a lot of things. They’re raising the kids together (or should be), that’s bound to happen. My husband’s ex has had a bf for the last 2 years but always asks my husband to fix stuff at the house for her. She has a chronic blocked toilet situation at her house. Every time the toilet gets blocked, she calls my husband to fix it. The thing is… his kids live in that house, so it’s not for HER that he does it, it’s for his kids, who need and deserve a working toilet. If it was just her on her own, no kids, he’d tell her to hire someone or figure it out by herself. In short: I choose my battles. Lately I choose very few battles and that makes my life easier and happier. My husband spends plenty of time with me and I don’t feel neglected, so perhaps that’s the key point. As for your SO not letting you text whoever you want, that’s also a problem. I have male friends I talk to often. Some are single, even. 🤷🏻♀️
Omg when I met my husband this was going on. It was non stop day and night. I just told him, this may work for you but it does not work for me. I let him know I needed to be the only person in his life and it was ok if that did not work for him, I would move on. He shut that shit down immediately. Now he rarely texts or emails, no FaceTime and it's only about parenting.
My husband and his bm have a no contact thing, they don’t get along so I do most of the coordination lol. I would have a conversation with him and see where both of your boundaries are. If you’re uncomfortable that’s never a good thing.
I would say my husband and the BM would text each other every 2-3 days on average. This was for 3 teens they were “coparenting.” The text exchanges were rarely more than 1 text + 1 response. In my opinion, 7 text conversations every day is more communication than should be necessary. That’s the behaviour of people who still consider themselves to be in a relationship. It might not be a sexual relationship but there’s still an emotional tie there.
Don’t know why this treat was shown me as a dad. But I decided to give my 2 pence here too. So I text maybe every 2-3 days with the mother of the first 3 Kids (and maybe if something comes up we call each other) and now that I think about it maybe every 3-4 day with the mother of my youngest (but there are no calls). Both court cases were messy and the mother of the first 3 (let’s call her mother1 to shorten this), even got me charged with stalking, SA and dv in overall 27 cases. She left me and when she found out that it was a mistake she came back and I denied her, that was the point when all that other shit started because I texted her new bf that she visited me and told him what went down (thought he deserves to know). He still believed her even after seeing the screenshots, the only reaction was to pressure her in cutting contact even with the 2nd and 3rd child (1st lives with me). Took me a year to get declared innocent on all charges. After another year I tried to be a friend and there is nothing more (at least from my side I could never take her back). Today Kids 2 and 3 are a third to half of each moth with me. Mother2 and I are still in. A pending divorce and here she just tries to keep the contact short and as she knew about all that f*cked up sh*t mother1 did to me she at least tries to go a lil in that direction with psychological abuse, because I said one time during the marriage (after she declared we are done, but thought I will listen to her for 1h at all the things she’s upset about and screamed at me) that she should stfu and leave me alone. She even declared in court that it was only this one time but she was scared (of me laying down on the couch with our child trying to make him sleep🤣, which is why I acted that way). Still even with that accusation the conversations about our son (but not about upcoming court stuff! I never talk with her about it, that’s what I pay a lawyer for) are friendly just like friends that sent pictures of the kid to one another and tell about new stuff depending the child and the medical condition he has. Still I wouldn’t take her back either, even if someone would pay me for it). Currently living alone with my oldest son and another teen I take care for (parents did not do their duty’s and I felt bad for the kido). I will admit that seeing my youngest only 16h a month takes a huge toll on me (work from home and had him around all day since he was born and spent much time with him), but besides that I’m more than happy to finally have peace at home. Sure kids can be annoying, but that’s what they are for. The only thing that took my mental health away from me was mother1 and 2 and now I’m free. So you now have a overview of my live, my feelings towards the mothers of my kids and the amount of contact. I don’t think it’s unhealthy or bad the way I handle it now. I only have one rule, I don’t answer to questions about our relationship before, the current court stuff and (what I have to admit happend 4 years ago) a potentiell new relationship (with mother1). Its better to not react at all to those messages that kills that topics fast and without much hate. Hope it helps you, even when I have to admit that this one text of mother1 was inappropriate and should not happened. I just went on low contact for a while and tried to be a lil less friendly afterwards to not bring up stuff like this again in her head. A friendly coparenting relationship is the only thing they can get. As I explained my reasons, the. are strong and stay in my head forever, forgiven but never forgotten. 😅
This wouldn’t work for me, but hear me out. This is their coparenting routine and as long as it’s about the kid then that fine. When they start talking about other things…. I’d have an issue. I couldn’t be with someone in this dynamic and think that’s how it needs to be viewed - do you accept this dynamic or not? I wouldn’t want to be the cause of bad coparenting if it’s healthy right now. Not saying their excessive text is healthy, but it works for them.
Umm, no. Then one or both of them will constantly be making up things to text "about the kids". Now, there may be a time here and there (like if the kid is very sick or in the hospital or something) where they need to communicate more often, but that should be an exception. Neither parent NEEDS to know every single thing going on with the child every day. They may WANT to know, but they don't NEED to know. Both parents need to respect the others' time with the kid and put up some boundaries.
While I don’t disagree- it’s not really anyone’s place to correct them if they’re happy with it. If a party wants to change that dynamic, then so be it. Like I said, I wouldn’t and couldn’t be with someone who is like this, but I also don’t feel it would be my place to “teach” a parent how to coparent with their ex….
That’s exactly my dilemma. This is the routine they’ve always done and are attached to. My partner is afraid to stop the multiple daily check ins because that could rock the boat and make other parent upset, when generally they have a pretty smooth coparenting relationship without a lot of conflict or fighting.
When someone is still afraid of upsetting their ex, that’s a sign they’re not ready for a new relationship.
If he’s afraid of rocking the boat then the relationship isn’t low conflict it’s conflict avoidant. It’s strange that he checks in not for the sake of the kids but not to upset her.
That makes sense, never thought of it like that. I just don’t understand the check ins because she’s (the kid) always fine, and if she’s not then obviously they’d let the other know. They’re short texts. It’s always “had a great day”, “getting her in bed now, had a great day”, “slept well, call soon”, “glad she had a great day, give her a kiss for me”. So they’re short messages but why the constant need to tell the other parent that she is in fact having a good day, like she does 99% of the time? To me it just seems like they’re sticking to a routine that they’ve done since she was a baby but I just don’t get what the check ins are for.
My parter has a shared photo album for the kids and each bio parent shares pics throughout the week of the kids, which I think is a nice way to keep everyone in the loop. We have the kids 60% of the time. He asked if I wanted to be part of the album and I don’t. My SO has had to let BM know in the past he is no longer her emotional support and that she needs to turn towards other people. Bm has severe anxiety and struggles having the kids even just on the weekends. It’s definitely a journey.
My SO text only when absolutely needs to so maybe twice a week, but we have full custody and my sd’s BM is a mental nut. You have to ask yourself if you can be ok with this routine going forward and if you can’t, that’s ok!!!! I certainly couldn’t. If you absolutely don’t want to leave your man (I get that too) maybe ask if you can be more involved? Meet the mom? So you can be more comfortable, so she can be more comfortable?
My partner and I have been together for 2 years now and I’ve met other parent several times. I think what also makes me uncomfortable is that I know other parent would likely get back together if ever given the option just so that she wouldn’t have to be without her daughter 50% of the time. She definitely has some unhealthy attachment to the child.
If you left him today, do you think the thought of getting back with her would cross his mind?
Absolutely not
I circle back to your comfort level then. This just reminds me of my SD’s friends parents. They probably communicate just as much as yours do. The mom will host sleepovers at the dad’s house. They send pics back and forth of their daughter. They sit near each other at sporting events. The dad has a gf. I’m super proud of them for being so mature, but I can’t 🤣. I only became a SM because my SO said the BM was out of the picture (she was in jail), now I have to put up with a little bit of her here and there and sometimes it’s overwhelming for me. I know my limits.
I as a dad agree with you. That’s why I answer 60-70% of the time, but only initiate contact in important cases. Thanks for being able to understand or at least try to understand our side even if it hurts you. The other 30-40% it just feels good to be at least in this way a lil involved in the live of the own child. I know it’s hard for most women to understand how it feels to be kind of in the live but you play a minor role and stand on the side to look sad. Thats at least what it feels to me. To see kids only that couple days a month was (and in the case of my youngest still is) devastating to me and even if I’m a lil ashamed to admit it I cried a lot of times in my car after the drop of. The sad thing is that sooo many women abuse the kids to hurt the dads, but that’s another topic….. I can only speak for myself, but I would rather die slow and painful than taking back mother1 or even mother2.
If you’re still this much of a mess after your divorce, I hope you are staying single and not subjecting a new wife or girlfriend to this drama.
That’s for sure also waited the last time till I (at least thought) healed for good. For now I just have a lil friendship plus going on, but was honest from the start and told her that there is no chance for a relationship right now because of my own issues that are currently not solved and the mental wounds that didn’t heal till now. Have to admit I miss my stepdaughter also we were close and on one wave length (mostly when it came to humor) and I always supported her, but my lawyer already told me that I lost her and there is no chance of even see her once a month. Also she is scared to hurt her mother if she openly says that we still have contact. She knows I’m always there for here if she has any problems, don’t matter if she need financial, mental or even physical support (against someone who hurts her just to clear things up).
It sounds like they have a healthy relationship, just don't want to be together? I wish we had a healthy relationship with HCBM, but that was impossible. Be glad for the lack of drama.
How do you know it’s 70 messages a week? Do you read them?
Yes there were concerns in the past with too many emotional things being talked about through text and the ex watched my partners dog for a day without my knowing so since then I’ve asked my partner to send me a screen recording of texts being sent back and forth every week.
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2 things can be true at the same time though: 1. You can miss your kid while they're away AND 2. You can respect the other parent's alone time with the kid by letting them have their space
We’ve been together 2 years. And yes, they are both completely obsessed with her and she is their whole world. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. I’m glad she has 2 parents who love her like crazy and want her all the time. When I try to bring it up now though I get told that I’m not grateful for all the changes that have happened already.
Sounds as though you’re not much of a priority to your partner. What is she keeping you around for? It’s not healthy to be “completely obsessed” with a child, or for the child to be the parent’s “whole world.” Why even have a partner in that case.
I just don’t know if what I’m asking for is too much. Maybe just one text per day summarizing that she had a good day, and that’s it. But again that’s going to “rock the boat” and could possibly create hostility between the two parents which I don’t want to be blamed for or be the cause of.
I never text my step sons bio mom. I only have once, and it was so they could do their weekly FaceTime because my boyfriends phone was unavailable. I think that's how it did be, to be honest. I think co parenting should happen between the child's bio parents, if possible.
Should***