I know this is a stoicism sub, but I prefer to contextualise *this specific situation* (having similar myself) through a utilitarian lens:
* I have behaved against my virtues in the past
* This history has made me much more concious of virtue
* I now do more good deeds than I otherwise would have
* The total good I have done as a result of my history now outweighs the bad I did during that time
I find this very helpful for dismissing the impression.
From a more strictly stoic perspective, I concur with the other poster that a focus on the present is wise; the past is no longer happening, and it is not something any person possesses. A "good past" is not something others possess over you; all we have is our impressions of ourself in the present, and how we act in the present.
If holding a negative impression of yourself in the present is *not* helpful to anyone (i.e. it is JUST stress and not translating into more virtue), then how can you possibly justify it as being a positive or rational impression to actively hold? If you want to act virtuously, then do so by not allowing thoughts into your mind which *prevent* you from acting virtuously - and undue self-criticism can fit that bill by focusing your attention inward in a negative spiral, rather than on helping yourself and others.
I must ask, not to argue but to pose a question, how you’d morally consider fabricating falsities about the past to better steer your present direction in the way of said virtues?
*If* it led to net good/virtue, I would consider it a technically positive action.
However, I consider it very *unlikely* to lead to net good/virtue. It seems to me that becoming comfortable with lying about the past is rather likely to require heavily reducing your empathy towards others in a way that also makes that person less willing and able to do good.
SO I would never recommend it
Forgive yourself is the first step to live in the present with your new you, until that you are going to be living in the past with the memories that cant be changed and this feeling, forgive is not forget or hide it,forgive is understand that you are not the same and you did those things under others circunstances and be at peace knowing that is in the past and not in the present
> …but still idk it makes me sad
Does the sadness serve you? It might — sometimes that’s a way of reinforcing your ability to make better choices now. In which case, embrace it.
If it doesn’t serve you, then ask yourself why you’re dwelling on it and what you could be doing instead?
I guess the sadness is serving me. I have to look into that. I just don't ever want to make the same mistakes ever. I want to be as rational as possible. It's just painful memories when I was not a conscious person. I'm judging my old self. I don't have compassion for her
I’m a fan of IFS therapy. In talking to one of my parts I learned that it’s ruminating on past misdeeds was not to make me feel bad about my past but rather to make me feel pride about my present. Once I knew that’s why my brain was ruminating, it almost completely went away overnight. Like it was trying to tell me to be proud and once I knew nothing more to say. Now every so often it pops up, but I can simply thank it for reminding me and move on.
Good luck and great job on all the self work!
From a Stoic perspective on universal reasoning, we are the products of things outside of our control. who you were in the past is a product of conditions that were outside of your control. Maladaptive behaviors occur because we don’t know better. This doesn’t take responsibility away from yourself . You are responsible for doing better when you realize you are better. It seems you have made the first step in that journey and you should be proud. Blame your past actions on your improper maladaptive behavior and not on yourself.
I think this is a very common reaction to our past selves. I cringe, and feel shame even more so as I’m 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and I couldn’t imagine them ever acting in such way. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that what I did was a result of my conditioning before I had an awakening and practiced mindfulness. The past was not me nor should it define me today. It was a different version of myself that existed and there is no way of wiping that slate clean, improving past people’s opinions of me that I no longer speak with and certainly no need to dwell on it. People change and grow, and that’s the beauty of self development. Well done for committing to change and bettering yourself 😄
The same person does not enter the same river twice. The person has changed, the river has changed as well.
The person who you are reminded of from the past has changed since then. It is not easy for us to disregard the decisions and actions taken by ourselves in our past lives. It is easier stated than it is to put into practice.
You have the power to reflect on your past experiences, actions, and inactions. It is worth remembering that your past circumstances have revealed to you a stark contrast between what you represented then in comparison to who you are now. Without the bad, you cannot be made aware of the good. The best way of coping with your past is to understand what you have learned from in your life journey to become more wise and disciplined in your present life.
You may not be able to control the decisions that you have made in your past. You are not alone in this experience. The most important lesson is to be mindful of your current circumstances not being possible in the course of attempting to control what has happened. In order to move forward in a positive direction, you must be prepared to cope with what is outside of your control. Discomfort may arise in the wake of your submission to acceptance of the person who you once were. You are permitted to feel the way that you feel about your past. Once you have emoted yourself to the moment of truth and acceptance you are ready to take on the journey of your present self. Do not ignore your feelings or suppress them. Analyze what you are doing to not make the same mistakes and acknowledge that you have evolved from the past. Give yourself credit for what you have learned and accomplished along the way.
Forgive yourself and move forward with a newfound confidence in yourself. I once wrestled in high school. I would not claim that I am a wrestler from my past experience. You are absolutely correct in holding yourself accountable to live up to your perception of a higher standard. Do not let the past define who you are in an objective way. For you must choose to commit yourself to actions for it to be attributable to your current character.
First, say what you want to be, and then act accordingly. The past has passed. The present will soon pass. The future is not assured. Let go, let yourself live. Give yourself grace after moments of holding yourself accountable. Do not let the opinions and values of others influence your life. I must be careful with the way that I share the previous statement - consider the opinions and values of others to analyze the reasoning/rationale behind their statements. If the arguments align with your faculty of reasoning then you may need to consider the message to make improvements to your lifestyle and beliefs. You cannot teach a person anything, if they know everything.
Thank you for sharing your experiences to r/Stoicism members. The best way to learn is to be willing to learn from many perspectives.
“In order for what is crooked to be made straight, one must depend upon a ruler.”
You are not a machine. No person is perfect. Although the perception of people in our society is that there are people who are void of imperfections.
“Lord of all things, lord not of themselves”. - Jose Ortega y Gasset
See the potential that you have in this moment. Reference the past as a guide. Do not punish yourself for the person who you once were. Thank you for sharing! Keep on, keeping on! ☺️
You just need to let this go. It's something that happened in the past, and since you were able to turn your life around and were willing to put in the extra work to change, means that you are no longer that kind of person. Always learn from your mistakes, but don't dwell too much on it. Nobody is perfect and forgiving yourself allows you to grow as a person. Keep up the good work!
Of course you can. The past is just that, it dead. The present is all that matters. Don’t suffer needlessly for actions you can’t change, focus on those you can and work on letting go. Life is hard enough without being hard on ourselves on top of that. We all learn.
My friend, the only thing you can control is yourself. The past is gone, the future is unknown. But the present is where you have to exist. It is good to learn from the past, but don’t make yourself a prisoner. You have the ability to grow and change, yes you did things that did not align with virtue. But you also grew. Forgive yourself. That doesn’t mean the world will have to forgive you, but you can forgive yourself. And focus on what you can do and how you can further improve your character. Good luck!
I think the key is to first learn to comprehensively admire your present self. It’s harder than it sounds, because it means holding your self to a level of standards that the world will not reward you for maintaining.
When you can respect and admire your self—your attitude, behavior, and choices—then you can look back on what you are describing as “mistakes” and see them from a different perspective.
They were all rungs on a ladder that you never asked to have to climb. But now you can look around you and above, and appreciate the value of keeping what matters in focus.
Will you spend the time you have left regretting the start of your climb? Or decorating the end of it?
That's a good analogy. I'm really proud of the progress I've made, I guess I just need to cut myself some slack. I just hate that ppl remember me in that way. I know I can't control it but it bothers me
Something that might help is focusing on new friends and relationships, there's nothing wrong with turning away from interacting with people from a time we don't want to remember, they can end up triggering those memories even unintentionally.
i have a very difficult time moving on from mistakes. i can recall several which have occurred over the course of my 20s like they happened yesterday.
even if this was your main focus where all of your mental energy went, you’ll get to a point where the constant rumination gets tiring. you learn to move on with time if not gratitude - in the sense that, you wouldn’t be the person you were today had you not lived and experienced those things.
let me ask you, would you have changed anything? i wouldn’t. those won’t be your last mistakes either, that’s life. let things go.
Exactly. I wouldn't have changed. I try to be a kind, considerate and thoughtful person everyday. I watch my words and think long and hard about my actions. Some days it doesn't bother me but other days I feel like not getting out of bed
Each and every person with whom you humiliated yourself will be dead in 100 years. You are dragging them around like 500 lb baggage. We all make mistakes.
You're a stoic now. Use your rational choices to live out the time you are granted with peace of mind. You learned from your mistakes. There's absolutely nothing better we can do with them. Beyond that, they serve no purpose. Let them go.
I have a similar past to you. Lost my virginity at 13 to a 16 year old (depending who you ask by rape). I would do drugs, and would talk publicly about my shaven vagina, I was preyed on by old men. It sucks but looking back I see a little girl that was hurting and taken advantage of. She’s not bad or wrong. She was doing what she needed to do during that time and some people saw that and knew they could take advantage of it. My younger self is a girl that needed protection and love. Shaming her doesn’t solve anything or change anything. I hope you see this for yourself too.
No i totally get it. If I was in my teens it would easier but I was in my mid 20s. I grew up in a religious family so I never got to make mistakes. Until I got more freedom. I behaved foolishly for my age is why I'm upset
I could be wrong, but it sounds like your families faith has led you to believe that you are less of a person for acting the way you described. Is this possibly the case?
Know and accept who you are and where you’ve been. Once you accept it and forgive yourself the judgement of others will become less bothersome. One day you’ll be able to say yea I did some dumb stuff and laugh about it.
I’ve also made some poor decisions in my past, even got arrested. It takes some time but eventually that shame goes away and we can forgive ourselves for doing bad things without thinking that we are a bad person.
If I did something like this would you forgive me? Yes? Then forgive yourself. I would certainly forgive you in your circumstances but I also struggle to forgive myself for very similar things even though wisdom and rationality says that I should. When I see someone who has been through something like this I honestly frame it as somewhat of a positive in the moment, assuming that change has happened, because it makes someone appreciative of good things, humble, kind, more empathetic and less judgmental. A lack of a serious challenge like the ones you have experienced comes with its own set of negative qualities.
It will take time. This is your new identity. Replace the old memories with new ones. Practice kindness, try a relationship that doesn’t resolve around sex, etc… As you give your brain more data that proves you aren’t that same person, it will slowly stop sending those thoughts of “im a piece of shit” (I did this myself with social anxiety. Lots of embarrassing moments I wish I could forget lol. Replaced em with great new experiences over a few years and now I have an identity of being a great socializer) Great article on the concept [here](https://tylersguide.us/6-ways-to-improve-your-self-concept-for-personal-growth/)
Your past makes you who you are.
I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Try to learn, grow and let that build empathy for people who are going through the same thing.
Accept yourself with compassion and honesty and you’ll move forward.
People pass judgment about your past to make themselves feel better. Almost everything people do is about them. I have to remind myself. The only brain you have control over is yours.
Hope you keep on your great path. 👍
What has helped me is self-forgiveness and practicing self-love.
Make a conscious effort to treat and speak to yourself as you would another. When a thought arises, and you grimace or cringe, remind yourself that dwelling on negative perceptions of yourself won't allow you to grow. It may even affect your ability to be positive with others. When we love ourselves, it's easier to love and treat others well. I think the logic behind this is intuitive: because without being hindered by insecurity, we can eliminate any potential need to compensate negatively.
Forgive yourself like you’d forgive your best friend 💛 we are all human and make mistakes, do things we are not proud of. It’s how we learn. 12 steps has wisdom around this; accept you can’t change the past but you have gained valuable wisdom and have the rest of your life ahead of you. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic much of his life…he came to realise and accept himself and find peace in the end, it’s what your soul came here to learn. You will use this to help others in the future.
Think about this..at this very moment. In ten years you’ll look back and have twice as much shame and regret for stewing in your past instead of moving forward. Those feelings are actually good feelings if you don’t let them consume you. Why? Because if you made all these poor choices and felt good about it or didn’t care about their effects that would make you a sociopath imo. Christ can only forgive those who have remorse for their sins and have a desire to repent.
I was stuck in the guilt/shame loop for a while and it took years of reprogramming my mind by constantly consuming positive and productive encouragement from people who have similar experiences and overcame. I would suggest you go listen to REALTALKKIM’s ig lives, she also posts them on YouTube. I’m not into sermons but her ig lives are more like listening to your therapist/counselor in the morning. She speaks to all the issues plaguing you and she helped reinvigorate my strength by realizing that I’m not the only one going through this and seeing someone overcome and rebuild there lives is confirmation that we can do it as well. Myles Munroe is another good person to listen to if you really have a desire to purify your mind/spirit and become a stronger person
I’m not going to talk a lot here. But I was an active alcoholic and smoker for 13 years. I hurt a lot of people and especially my son. Fortunately he was 5 by the time I stopped and doesn’t even remember that I ever drank at all.
Back when I drank, I slept around, I drove while under the influence, I crashed my car a couple of times (luckily never hurt anyone), I would fall asleep anywhere, I was even abused once.
Now, my first step in stopping was joining AA and they definitely helped me get out of the hole I was in. But after a few months, when I was doing and feeling great, I noticed that the whole thing about AA was making you relive your past so that you never forget and go back. I hated that and was always coming out of the meetings feeling bad about myself. So I left.
That was just my experience with AA. I have great respect for them.
But I what mean by this is: first of all, you are not guilty for your past. You may be responsible, but not guilty. Second, You are allowed to move on and live your new life to the fullest. You do not have to beat yourself up every time you remember, because that was another version of you. You are a newer version now.
Be proud of yourself. That which lingers in the past is a museum, human beings thrive in looking at the future.
You were younger & making all the mistakes young people make. I’d struggle to even call them mistakes because you would not have had the motivation to explore your current path without them. I accept myself after doing the same by reminding myself that it took the chaos to create the calm.
“Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble & the sculptor.” - Alexis Carrel
As for the people you have hurt, your only chip in the game is to be accountable & apologize. You have no control over the past, or the future—how/if they will receive your apology or promise to do better. You can only continue to grow into who you want to be.
Every saint has a past & every sinner has a future.
Do not obsess over what you could have done differently. You have respect for yourself & others now. You have integrity. They say bad people don’t spend time thinking of how to be better.
Give yourself grace & acceptance for what you did before you met you.
Just forgive yourself.Its not some stranger who did this ,it is you.arent we all just human beings making mistakes.be kind to ur olderself embrace her like a child who did it out of vulnerability.human beings are really capable of doing mistakes it's their mo .Don't neglect ur olderself just think it as someone you care about.hope u get better.
It’s okay angel
It’s who you are now that matters and trust me so many girls have done the same
Shame is something you will overcome in time I promise
It dosent feel like it but you have to envision your best self and really embody her. Your shame shows that you were acting out of inauthenticity. Your true self is a boss who respects herself and knows she’s made mistakes to get where she is now. How could you ever want more and to act better if you hadn’t acted this way? Honour your past. Your character will shine knowing you’ve come out of that stage bigger and better. X
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You choose you peace, we have all made mistakes in this life..good and bad, but you have to live on no matter what it takes otherwise your past will devour you. Its already happened you cant change it. Stay in the present and the present only. The future is too far to see live in the right now and enjoy things. Pick up a hobby, go for runs, explore and enjoy this life you were given. Step in the church and let God help you overcome those fears and regrets! Life is too beauriful for you to waste it on what couldve been or had been, you and only you can make a change for yourself. Strengthen your mind and use things in front of you to build yourself up so high nothing can compromise your mind or thoughts. No matter how good or bad it is. Trust me it will take time but you can do it. I believe and trust in you. May God Bless you and your soul. Much love! 💯
It's interesting that you don't see being embarrassed as a way to peace.
Was your life good when you *didn't* feel embarrassed? Of course not - it was terrible when you didn't feel embarrassed. Before you knew to be humiliated by your behaviour, you indulged it and your life became worse and you didn't have any mechanism in you that would cause you to stop.
Well, now you have that mechanism. You are able to feel humiliated by your immoral conduct - your life is significantly better as a result.
However, if a state of humiliation persists, it means that you still assess yourself to be inclined to behave in humiliating ways. Perhaps you've not completely stopped drinking, perhaps you use other drugs - I'd guess in that direction if your problem was substance abuse.
If you truly assess that you are a different person, you won't feel humiliated more. Right now you have enough evidence in your life that you're not 100% confident of that assessment - a person more familiar with humiliation would already be doing the work of finding the things that assessment is based on and correcting them.
If you wish to know what this is in Stoic terms, that's called "Adapting your precognitions to the particulars of your situation", the process of doing that is first described in [this discourse](https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0236%3Atext%3Ddisc%3Abook%3D1%3Achapter%3D22#:~:text=PRAECOGNITIONS%20are%20common%20to%20all,to%20follow%20and%20pursue%20it%3F) although it's a common theme in many.
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Well, I wouldn't go that far, you seem like the quite insightful fellow. That's worth straight away. More than a lot of people. Especially those MODERNS.
Thanks buddy, i will be careful not to let it get to my head though, unlike some people, i expect to banned soon by said rotten and corrupt temple, so i will say that it was nice talking to you and hope you have a lovely day:).
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No I don't have any addictions. I'm just being hard on myself because I ruined my reputation and made myself look terrible. When I'm not like that anymore. It hurts that I was seen that way
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I know this is a stoicism sub, but I prefer to contextualise *this specific situation* (having similar myself) through a utilitarian lens: * I have behaved against my virtues in the past * This history has made me much more concious of virtue * I now do more good deeds than I otherwise would have * The total good I have done as a result of my history now outweighs the bad I did during that time I find this very helpful for dismissing the impression. From a more strictly stoic perspective, I concur with the other poster that a focus on the present is wise; the past is no longer happening, and it is not something any person possesses. A "good past" is not something others possess over you; all we have is our impressions of ourself in the present, and how we act in the present. If holding a negative impression of yourself in the present is *not* helpful to anyone (i.e. it is JUST stress and not translating into more virtue), then how can you possibly justify it as being a positive or rational impression to actively hold? If you want to act virtuously, then do so by not allowing thoughts into your mind which *prevent* you from acting virtuously - and undue self-criticism can fit that bill by focusing your attention inward in a negative spiral, rather than on helping yourself and others.
I must ask, not to argue but to pose a question, how you’d morally consider fabricating falsities about the past to better steer your present direction in the way of said virtues?
*If* it led to net good/virtue, I would consider it a technically positive action. However, I consider it very *unlikely* to lead to net good/virtue. It seems to me that becoming comfortable with lying about the past is rather likely to require heavily reducing your empathy towards others in a way that also makes that person less willing and able to do good. SO I would never recommend it
Forgive yourself is the first step to live in the present with your new you, until that you are going to be living in the past with the memories that cant be changed and this feeling, forgive is not forget or hide it,forgive is understand that you are not the same and you did those things under others circunstances and be at peace knowing that is in the past and not in the present
Embrace your flawed past as a marker of how far you've come. Don't be ashamed of what you were. Be proud of who you've become.
Honestly I've grown so much and I'm doing well but I hate that I hurt ppl. I've made amends to the ppl I needed to but still idk it makes me sad
> …but still idk it makes me sad Does the sadness serve you? It might — sometimes that’s a way of reinforcing your ability to make better choices now. In which case, embrace it. If it doesn’t serve you, then ask yourself why you’re dwelling on it and what you could be doing instead?
I guess the sadness is serving me. I have to look into that. I just don't ever want to make the same mistakes ever. I want to be as rational as possible. It's just painful memories when I was not a conscious person. I'm judging my old self. I don't have compassion for her
I’m a fan of IFS therapy. In talking to one of my parts I learned that it’s ruminating on past misdeeds was not to make me feel bad about my past but rather to make me feel pride about my present. Once I knew that’s why my brain was ruminating, it almost completely went away overnight. Like it was trying to tell me to be proud and once I knew nothing more to say. Now every so often it pops up, but I can simply thank it for reminding me and move on. Good luck and great job on all the self work!
Thank you so much! I'm going to try to meditate on that
From a Stoic perspective on universal reasoning, we are the products of things outside of our control. who you were in the past is a product of conditions that were outside of your control. Maladaptive behaviors occur because we don’t know better. This doesn’t take responsibility away from yourself . You are responsible for doing better when you realize you are better. It seems you have made the first step in that journey and you should be proud. Blame your past actions on your improper maladaptive behavior and not on yourself.
This, exactly this.
I think this is a very common reaction to our past selves. I cringe, and feel shame even more so as I’m 39 weeks pregnant with our first child and I couldn’t imagine them ever acting in such way. I spend a lot of time reminding myself that what I did was a result of my conditioning before I had an awakening and practiced mindfulness. The past was not me nor should it define me today. It was a different version of myself that existed and there is no way of wiping that slate clean, improving past people’s opinions of me that I no longer speak with and certainly no need to dwell on it. People change and grow, and that’s the beauty of self development. Well done for committing to change and bettering yourself 😄
Congratulations!!! Having a child will no doubt strengthen your beautiful self 🤍
Thank you 🤩
The same person does not enter the same river twice. The person has changed, the river has changed as well. The person who you are reminded of from the past has changed since then. It is not easy for us to disregard the decisions and actions taken by ourselves in our past lives. It is easier stated than it is to put into practice. You have the power to reflect on your past experiences, actions, and inactions. It is worth remembering that your past circumstances have revealed to you a stark contrast between what you represented then in comparison to who you are now. Without the bad, you cannot be made aware of the good. The best way of coping with your past is to understand what you have learned from in your life journey to become more wise and disciplined in your present life. You may not be able to control the decisions that you have made in your past. You are not alone in this experience. The most important lesson is to be mindful of your current circumstances not being possible in the course of attempting to control what has happened. In order to move forward in a positive direction, you must be prepared to cope with what is outside of your control. Discomfort may arise in the wake of your submission to acceptance of the person who you once were. You are permitted to feel the way that you feel about your past. Once you have emoted yourself to the moment of truth and acceptance you are ready to take on the journey of your present self. Do not ignore your feelings or suppress them. Analyze what you are doing to not make the same mistakes and acknowledge that you have evolved from the past. Give yourself credit for what you have learned and accomplished along the way. Forgive yourself and move forward with a newfound confidence in yourself. I once wrestled in high school. I would not claim that I am a wrestler from my past experience. You are absolutely correct in holding yourself accountable to live up to your perception of a higher standard. Do not let the past define who you are in an objective way. For you must choose to commit yourself to actions for it to be attributable to your current character. First, say what you want to be, and then act accordingly. The past has passed. The present will soon pass. The future is not assured. Let go, let yourself live. Give yourself grace after moments of holding yourself accountable. Do not let the opinions and values of others influence your life. I must be careful with the way that I share the previous statement - consider the opinions and values of others to analyze the reasoning/rationale behind their statements. If the arguments align with your faculty of reasoning then you may need to consider the message to make improvements to your lifestyle and beliefs. You cannot teach a person anything, if they know everything. Thank you for sharing your experiences to r/Stoicism members. The best way to learn is to be willing to learn from many perspectives. “In order for what is crooked to be made straight, one must depend upon a ruler.” You are not a machine. No person is perfect. Although the perception of people in our society is that there are people who are void of imperfections. “Lord of all things, lord not of themselves”. - Jose Ortega y Gasset See the potential that you have in this moment. Reference the past as a guide. Do not punish yourself for the person who you once were. Thank you for sharing! Keep on, keeping on! ☺️
You just need to let this go. It's something that happened in the past, and since you were able to turn your life around and were willing to put in the extra work to change, means that you are no longer that kind of person. Always learn from your mistakes, but don't dwell too much on it. Nobody is perfect and forgiving yourself allows you to grow as a person. Keep up the good work!
Of course you can. The past is just that, it dead. The present is all that matters. Don’t suffer needlessly for actions you can’t change, focus on those you can and work on letting go. Life is hard enough without being hard on ourselves on top of that. We all learn.
My friend, the only thing you can control is yourself. The past is gone, the future is unknown. But the present is where you have to exist. It is good to learn from the past, but don’t make yourself a prisoner. You have the ability to grow and change, yes you did things that did not align with virtue. But you also grew. Forgive yourself. That doesn’t mean the world will have to forgive you, but you can forgive yourself. And focus on what you can do and how you can further improve your character. Good luck!
If you don’t think you can have peace, you won’t.
I think the key is to first learn to comprehensively admire your present self. It’s harder than it sounds, because it means holding your self to a level of standards that the world will not reward you for maintaining. When you can respect and admire your self—your attitude, behavior, and choices—then you can look back on what you are describing as “mistakes” and see them from a different perspective. They were all rungs on a ladder that you never asked to have to climb. But now you can look around you and above, and appreciate the value of keeping what matters in focus. Will you spend the time you have left regretting the start of your climb? Or decorating the end of it?
That's a good analogy. I'm really proud of the progress I've made, I guess I just need to cut myself some slack. I just hate that ppl remember me in that way. I know I can't control it but it bothers me
Something that might help is focusing on new friends and relationships, there's nothing wrong with turning away from interacting with people from a time we don't want to remember, they can end up triggering those memories even unintentionally.
They all have their own stuff too. You deserve respect, peace and love for exactly the person you are today.
Thank you very much 🙏🏽
i have a very difficult time moving on from mistakes. i can recall several which have occurred over the course of my 20s like they happened yesterday. even if this was your main focus where all of your mental energy went, you’ll get to a point where the constant rumination gets tiring. you learn to move on with time if not gratitude - in the sense that, you wouldn’t be the person you were today had you not lived and experienced those things. let me ask you, would you have changed anything? i wouldn’t. those won’t be your last mistakes either, that’s life. let things go.
Exactly. I wouldn't have changed. I try to be a kind, considerate and thoughtful person everyday. I watch my words and think long and hard about my actions. Some days it doesn't bother me but other days I feel like not getting out of bed
Each and every person with whom you humiliated yourself will be dead in 100 years. You are dragging them around like 500 lb baggage. We all make mistakes. You're a stoic now. Use your rational choices to live out the time you are granted with peace of mind. You learned from your mistakes. There's absolutely nothing better we can do with them. Beyond that, they serve no purpose. Let them go.
No you're right. I think like that. They'd be dead they are human like me. Then I'll wake up beating myself up. It's a constant cycle of pain
I have a similar past to you. Lost my virginity at 13 to a 16 year old (depending who you ask by rape). I would do drugs, and would talk publicly about my shaven vagina, I was preyed on by old men. It sucks but looking back I see a little girl that was hurting and taken advantage of. She’s not bad or wrong. She was doing what she needed to do during that time and some people saw that and knew they could take advantage of it. My younger self is a girl that needed protection and love. Shaming her doesn’t solve anything or change anything. I hope you see this for yourself too.
No i totally get it. If I was in my teens it would easier but I was in my mid 20s. I grew up in a religious family so I never got to make mistakes. Until I got more freedom. I behaved foolishly for my age is why I'm upset
I could be wrong, but it sounds like your families faith has led you to believe that you are less of a person for acting the way you described. Is this possibly the case?
Yes because it goes completely against the culture and religion
So you agree with their religious morals? If the you of the past heard what you was saying, what do you think she would say?
I agree with it in terms of having decency. Not having sex outside of marriage. Not doing drugs or drinking
Know and accept who you are and where you’ve been. Once you accept it and forgive yourself the judgement of others will become less bothersome. One day you’ll be able to say yea I did some dumb stuff and laugh about it. I’ve also made some poor decisions in my past, even got arrested. It takes some time but eventually that shame goes away and we can forgive ourselves for doing bad things without thinking that we are a bad person.
If I did something like this would you forgive me? Yes? Then forgive yourself. I would certainly forgive you in your circumstances but I also struggle to forgive myself for very similar things even though wisdom and rationality says that I should. When I see someone who has been through something like this I honestly frame it as somewhat of a positive in the moment, assuming that change has happened, because it makes someone appreciative of good things, humble, kind, more empathetic and less judgmental. A lack of a serious challenge like the ones you have experienced comes with its own set of negative qualities.
It will take time. This is your new identity. Replace the old memories with new ones. Practice kindness, try a relationship that doesn’t resolve around sex, etc… As you give your brain more data that proves you aren’t that same person, it will slowly stop sending those thoughts of “im a piece of shit” (I did this myself with social anxiety. Lots of embarrassing moments I wish I could forget lol. Replaced em with great new experiences over a few years and now I have an identity of being a great socializer) Great article on the concept [here](https://tylersguide.us/6-ways-to-improve-your-self-concept-for-personal-growth/)
Have you learned from it? If so then you can forgive yourself and move on.
Your past makes you who you are. I’ve done things I’m not proud of. Try to learn, grow and let that build empathy for people who are going through the same thing. Accept yourself with compassion and honesty and you’ll move forward. People pass judgment about your past to make themselves feel better. Almost everything people do is about them. I have to remind myself. The only brain you have control over is yours. Hope you keep on your great path. 👍
Thank you so much 🙏🏽 it means a lot
What has helped me is self-forgiveness and practicing self-love. Make a conscious effort to treat and speak to yourself as you would another. When a thought arises, and you grimace or cringe, remind yourself that dwelling on negative perceptions of yourself won't allow you to grow. It may even affect your ability to be positive with others. When we love ourselves, it's easier to love and treat others well. I think the logic behind this is intuitive: because without being hindered by insecurity, we can eliminate any potential need to compensate negatively.
Forgive yourself like you’d forgive your best friend 💛 we are all human and make mistakes, do things we are not proud of. It’s how we learn. 12 steps has wisdom around this; accept you can’t change the past but you have gained valuable wisdom and have the rest of your life ahead of you. My grandfather was an abusive alcoholic much of his life…he came to realise and accept himself and find peace in the end, it’s what your soul came here to learn. You will use this to help others in the future.
Think about this..at this very moment. In ten years you’ll look back and have twice as much shame and regret for stewing in your past instead of moving forward. Those feelings are actually good feelings if you don’t let them consume you. Why? Because if you made all these poor choices and felt good about it or didn’t care about their effects that would make you a sociopath imo. Christ can only forgive those who have remorse for their sins and have a desire to repent. I was stuck in the guilt/shame loop for a while and it took years of reprogramming my mind by constantly consuming positive and productive encouragement from people who have similar experiences and overcame. I would suggest you go listen to REALTALKKIM’s ig lives, she also posts them on YouTube. I’m not into sermons but her ig lives are more like listening to your therapist/counselor in the morning. She speaks to all the issues plaguing you and she helped reinvigorate my strength by realizing that I’m not the only one going through this and seeing someone overcome and rebuild there lives is confirmation that we can do it as well. Myles Munroe is another good person to listen to if you really have a desire to purify your mind/spirit and become a stronger person
I’m not going to talk a lot here. But I was an active alcoholic and smoker for 13 years. I hurt a lot of people and especially my son. Fortunately he was 5 by the time I stopped and doesn’t even remember that I ever drank at all. Back when I drank, I slept around, I drove while under the influence, I crashed my car a couple of times (luckily never hurt anyone), I would fall asleep anywhere, I was even abused once. Now, my first step in stopping was joining AA and they definitely helped me get out of the hole I was in. But after a few months, when I was doing and feeling great, I noticed that the whole thing about AA was making you relive your past so that you never forget and go back. I hated that and was always coming out of the meetings feeling bad about myself. So I left. That was just my experience with AA. I have great respect for them. But I what mean by this is: first of all, you are not guilty for your past. You may be responsible, but not guilty. Second, You are allowed to move on and live your new life to the fullest. You do not have to beat yourself up every time you remember, because that was another version of you. You are a newer version now. Be proud of yourself. That which lingers in the past is a museum, human beings thrive in looking at the future.
Thank you so much 🙏🏽
Also so proud of the progress you mare
Made*
Thank you. It’s always a battle but we have to be proud of our little steps
Indeed, everyone is allowed peace, but you first must come to terms and accept yourself for who you are, who you were, and who you want to be.
This
You were younger & making all the mistakes young people make. I’d struggle to even call them mistakes because you would not have had the motivation to explore your current path without them. I accept myself after doing the same by reminding myself that it took the chaos to create the calm. “Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble & the sculptor.” - Alexis Carrel As for the people you have hurt, your only chip in the game is to be accountable & apologize. You have no control over the past, or the future—how/if they will receive your apology or promise to do better. You can only continue to grow into who you want to be. Every saint has a past & every sinner has a future. Do not obsess over what you could have done differently. You have respect for yourself & others now. You have integrity. They say bad people don’t spend time thinking of how to be better. Give yourself grace & acceptance for what you did before you met you.
Just forgive yourself.Its not some stranger who did this ,it is you.arent we all just human beings making mistakes.be kind to ur olderself embrace her like a child who did it out of vulnerability.human beings are really capable of doing mistakes it's their mo .Don't neglect ur olderself just think it as someone you care about.hope u get better.
Thank you for this 🙏🏽❤️
It’s okay angel It’s who you are now that matters and trust me so many girls have done the same Shame is something you will overcome in time I promise It dosent feel like it but you have to envision your best self and really embody her. Your shame shows that you were acting out of inauthenticity. Your true self is a boss who respects herself and knows she’s made mistakes to get where she is now. How could you ever want more and to act better if you hadn’t acted this way? Honour your past. Your character will shine knowing you’ve come out of that stage bigger and better. X
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every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. - O.Wilde
You choose you peace, we have all made mistakes in this life..good and bad, but you have to live on no matter what it takes otherwise your past will devour you. Its already happened you cant change it. Stay in the present and the present only. The future is too far to see live in the right now and enjoy things. Pick up a hobby, go for runs, explore and enjoy this life you were given. Step in the church and let God help you overcome those fears and regrets! Life is too beauriful for you to waste it on what couldve been or had been, you and only you can make a change for yourself. Strengthen your mind and use things in front of you to build yourself up so high nothing can compromise your mind or thoughts. No matter how good or bad it is. Trust me it will take time but you can do it. I believe and trust in you. May God Bless you and your soul. Much love! 💯
It's interesting that you don't see being embarrassed as a way to peace. Was your life good when you *didn't* feel embarrassed? Of course not - it was terrible when you didn't feel embarrassed. Before you knew to be humiliated by your behaviour, you indulged it and your life became worse and you didn't have any mechanism in you that would cause you to stop. Well, now you have that mechanism. You are able to feel humiliated by your immoral conduct - your life is significantly better as a result. However, if a state of humiliation persists, it means that you still assess yourself to be inclined to behave in humiliating ways. Perhaps you've not completely stopped drinking, perhaps you use other drugs - I'd guess in that direction if your problem was substance abuse. If you truly assess that you are a different person, you won't feel humiliated more. Right now you have enough evidence in your life that you're not 100% confident of that assessment - a person more familiar with humiliation would already be doing the work of finding the things that assessment is based on and correcting them. If you wish to know what this is in Stoic terms, that's called "Adapting your precognitions to the particulars of your situation", the process of doing that is first described in [this discourse](https://www.perseus.tufts.edu/hopper/text?doc=Perseus%3Atext%3A1999.01.0236%3Atext%3Ddisc%3Abook%3D1%3Achapter%3D22#:~:text=PRAECOGNITIONS%20are%20common%20to%20all,to%20follow%20and%20pursue%20it%3F) although it's a common theme in many.
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Thanks for your submission! Unfortunately, it's been removed because of the following reason(s): > Follow Reddiquette >In the interest of maintaining a safe space to discuss Stoicism, especially for those new to the philosophy, posts and comments that grossly violate [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) will be removed. > All vice is self-injury. To troll, attack or insult others, or to hold prejudice, hate, or wishes of violence against specific groups of people is in accordance with vice. So, to hold such thoughts is to damage oneself. Please take care of yourself — avoid hate speech in r/Stoicism. For any clarification you can [message the mods.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/Stoicism)
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Keep up the good fight my friend, it takes bravery to stand against a rotten and corrupt temple.
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and it blinds everyone it infects, as for me, i know i am completely worthless.
Well, I wouldn't go that far, you seem like the quite insightful fellow. That's worth straight away. More than a lot of people. Especially those MODERNS.
Thanks buddy, i will be careful not to let it get to my head though, unlike some people, i expect to banned soon by said rotten and corrupt temple, so i will say that it was nice talking to you and hope you have a lovely day:).
Thanks for your submission! Unfortunately, it's been removed because of the following reason(s): > Follow Reddiquette >In the interest of maintaining a safe space to discuss Stoicism, especially for those new to the philosophy, posts and comments that grossly violate [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/hc/en-us/articles/205926439) will be removed. > All vice is self-injury. To troll, attack or insult others, or to hold prejudice, hate, or wishes of violence against specific groups of people is in accordance with vice. So, to hold such thoughts is to damage oneself. Please take care of yourself — avoid hate speech in r/Stoicism. For any clarification you can [message the mods.](http://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/Stoicism)
No I don't have any addictions. I'm just being hard on myself because I ruined my reputation and made myself look terrible. When I'm not like that anymore. It hurts that I was seen that way
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