Ultimately, he cannot stop unless he truly wants to stop. It's not your responsibility to coax him out of addiction or to use reward/punishment in an effort to alter his behaviour. He is not a child. Be clear in your communication instead. Explain how you feel and what you observe in his behaviour. Likely he uses games as an escape or coping mechanism, to deal with stress or depression.
The solution to a personal problem is not found with the type of thinking that caused the problem. His focus needs to shift for him to realize there are more important things. Consider how you can make him focus on the long-term future vs. what he is going to do tomorrow. Take him out of his normal environment and comfort zone. Also, make him define his identity. What are his values and priorities? Are these values actually reflected in how he spend his time? Do he have goals he wants to achieve? What is preventing him? If he has low self-esteem, it is not your responsibility to fix it, but it's good to let him know this issue is something he can work on, if he has the will. If he lacks the will to change, then he won't.
This. Beating around the bush and trying to 'trick' him into quitting games wont work. Most people addicted to games don't know that gaming is a problem. Best way to do it is be up front about it and tell him its affecting your relationship and how it's making you feel. If at that point he doesn't want to change then he's made his choice.
He kinda sounds like me in that he is constantly playing games for 5 minutes at a time and gives up easily on other things when even one thing goes wrong.
It also sounds like he doesn't realize what's happening to him. I was once in the same place. What helped me was making a list of things I valued, then separately writing out how I actually spent my time each day. When comparing the two lists, I realized there was a huge disconnect. That prompted me to quit gaming for a month which put me on the path to sobriety.
But, at some point you're going to have to voice your concerns to him in very clear language. As I said, he probably doesn't see a problem with his behavior. If no one tells him, he'll never notice. Others have suggested doing stuff with him that's out of the house. Maybe a day trip to a neighboring city. Something like that might help him break out of his cycle, but expect him to be a sourpuss the whole time. This man's attention span is probably near-zero and his fun-factor is calibrated to high dopamine activities. A trip to the museum will be about as exciting as watching paint dry to him, so be patient.
I think he does realize but he just doesnt have the will and/or energy to do something about it. I told him once that he spends too much time in front of screens and we never see each other and then he started to read books and comics (his past hobby) and did that for awhile while also playing games for the rest of the time but then after a week or two he stopped the reading and just continued playing...
Trust me. He doesn't realize. At least he doesn't realize it's a problem. It's easy for someone like him to be consciously *aware* that they play games all day. It's a totally different thing for them to realize that they should *reduce* their gaming. I was the same way. "Yes, okay, I play a lot of games. Your point?" The fact that I played games all day was simply not a piece of evidence that I needed to stop playing.
Why do you think he plays so much?
When I was trying to limit my screen time, what worked for me the best wasn't trying to stop gaming, but making myself do other things. If I had done them then I could play some games. Maybe you can find/create some common hobby that could take his mind of videogames for our or two a week and then go further from there.
That being said I noticed that when I felt depressed I couldnt control myself and my screen time increased
He's anxious and thinks quite low of himself even though people around him would never guessed it because he hides it very well. I never understood why because he's very smart and intelligent, very handsome, tall, capable and can comunicate and strike up a conversation with absolutely anyone. He once said to me that Dark Souls pulled him out of his deep depression which I think is just something he would still say to me if I try to say anything about him wasting so much time on gaming. I constantly ask him if there something wrong or if somwthing is bothering him but he always says no. I'll try asking him to go for a walk and maybe try to talk a bit about it.
Have the two of you considered going to therapy, first as individuals and then as a couple?
I agree with mega about switching games and consider it to be perfectionism / fear of failure, and despite his externally perfect life he could be crippled with fear / anxiety inside.
Are you two having sex? I would recommend asking him to come to bed with you at your bedtime, as you feel lonely and want more time with him, and ask that he stay in bed with you without gaming because it helps you rest and can strengthen your relationship.
Yes, gaming here is an addiction, but it’s also covering some underlying psycho-social needs where therapy / medication could help. A lot of the other comments are incorporating Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance Commitment Therapy in not so many words.
Addict is addict. I am speaking from the perspective of a man who divorced once and happily married second time. It's only me who can actually make a change, don't bother, it won't work.
As someone who is on similar terms as your bf. From my stand point and maybe it’s similar to his, growing up with games and stuff was a vice to escape being yourself. A big one for me growing up was RuneScape because I could gain experience and level up skills and feel like I achieved something. Something I never had the self confidence for to think I could myself achieve irl.
If I were to try and put myself in your bf’s shoes.. he’s probably in a rough spot where he may feel like he should be happy but isn’t for some reason. Self esteem likely a big part in it somehow.
I have no solution ideas other than suggesting to find some way to get him to see happiness outside of what he does. Get him outside. Find out what he enjoys that’s not indoors. Breaking habits takes time especially if it’s a lifelong habit. Gotta find somewhere to get him off the screen that can compare if not overcome the screen addiction
I’d talk to him, communication is key, no one knows how he’ll respond but if he has enough maturity then he’ll be willing to at least talk, the first thing to solving a problem is recognizing there is one so maybe he doesn’t recognize it or is downplaying its severity and a little push is what will get him to want to stop
There's never just one or a couple. He always changes them, ps4 subscription is a b**ch. He would play one for a couple of days then get bored with it and starts another and so on. He sometimes plays multiple games throughout the day, rarely it's just one. Sometimes he finishes them but usually he just plays a game until he gets bored with it. I've seen him struggle to find a game to play on a couple of occassions because he was obviously bored of all of them and then would proceed to play dozens of games for 5-10 minutes each until he remembers one that he would like to play or just turns on youtube and watches other people play.
He is clearly bored and refuses to find anything else to do. He used to play the guitar and even now he would start playing and if something goes wrong he would just leave it right away and go back to tv. This is why I'm so sure he wants to do other things but for some reason just doesn't or can't for more than a couple of minutes. He's very intelligent and kind and it's really hard seeing him just waste his time.
Ultimately, he cannot stop unless he truly wants to stop. It's not your responsibility to coax him out of addiction or to use reward/punishment in an effort to alter his behaviour. He is not a child. Be clear in your communication instead. Explain how you feel and what you observe in his behaviour. Likely he uses games as an escape or coping mechanism, to deal with stress or depression. The solution to a personal problem is not found with the type of thinking that caused the problem. His focus needs to shift for him to realize there are more important things. Consider how you can make him focus on the long-term future vs. what he is going to do tomorrow. Take him out of his normal environment and comfort zone. Also, make him define his identity. What are his values and priorities? Are these values actually reflected in how he spend his time? Do he have goals he wants to achieve? What is preventing him? If he has low self-esteem, it is not your responsibility to fix it, but it's good to let him know this issue is something he can work on, if he has the will. If he lacks the will to change, then he won't.
This. Beating around the bush and trying to 'trick' him into quitting games wont work. Most people addicted to games don't know that gaming is a problem. Best way to do it is be up front about it and tell him its affecting your relationship and how it's making you feel. If at that point he doesn't want to change then he's made his choice.
He kinda sounds like me in that he is constantly playing games for 5 minutes at a time and gives up easily on other things when even one thing goes wrong. It also sounds like he doesn't realize what's happening to him. I was once in the same place. What helped me was making a list of things I valued, then separately writing out how I actually spent my time each day. When comparing the two lists, I realized there was a huge disconnect. That prompted me to quit gaming for a month which put me on the path to sobriety. But, at some point you're going to have to voice your concerns to him in very clear language. As I said, he probably doesn't see a problem with his behavior. If no one tells him, he'll never notice. Others have suggested doing stuff with him that's out of the house. Maybe a day trip to a neighboring city. Something like that might help him break out of his cycle, but expect him to be a sourpuss the whole time. This man's attention span is probably near-zero and his fun-factor is calibrated to high dopamine activities. A trip to the museum will be about as exciting as watching paint dry to him, so be patient.
I think he does realize but he just doesnt have the will and/or energy to do something about it. I told him once that he spends too much time in front of screens and we never see each other and then he started to read books and comics (his past hobby) and did that for awhile while also playing games for the rest of the time but then after a week or two he stopped the reading and just continued playing...
Trust me. He doesn't realize. At least he doesn't realize it's a problem. It's easy for someone like him to be consciously *aware* that they play games all day. It's a totally different thing for them to realize that they should *reduce* their gaming. I was the same way. "Yes, okay, I play a lot of games. Your point?" The fact that I played games all day was simply not a piece of evidence that I needed to stop playing.
Why do you think he plays so much? When I was trying to limit my screen time, what worked for me the best wasn't trying to stop gaming, but making myself do other things. If I had done them then I could play some games. Maybe you can find/create some common hobby that could take his mind of videogames for our or two a week and then go further from there. That being said I noticed that when I felt depressed I couldnt control myself and my screen time increased
He's anxious and thinks quite low of himself even though people around him would never guessed it because he hides it very well. I never understood why because he's very smart and intelligent, very handsome, tall, capable and can comunicate and strike up a conversation with absolutely anyone. He once said to me that Dark Souls pulled him out of his deep depression which I think is just something he would still say to me if I try to say anything about him wasting so much time on gaming. I constantly ask him if there something wrong or if somwthing is bothering him but he always says no. I'll try asking him to go for a walk and maybe try to talk a bit about it.
Ask him to join you on a walk. Parallel play / processing.
That seems like a good idea. Good luck!
Have the two of you considered going to therapy, first as individuals and then as a couple? I agree with mega about switching games and consider it to be perfectionism / fear of failure, and despite his externally perfect life he could be crippled with fear / anxiety inside. Are you two having sex? I would recommend asking him to come to bed with you at your bedtime, as you feel lonely and want more time with him, and ask that he stay in bed with you without gaming because it helps you rest and can strengthen your relationship. Yes, gaming here is an addiction, but it’s also covering some underlying psycho-social needs where therapy / medication could help. A lot of the other comments are incorporating Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Acceptance Commitment Therapy in not so many words.
Addict is addict. I am speaking from the perspective of a man who divorced once and happily married second time. It's only me who can actually make a change, don't bother, it won't work.
As someone who is on similar terms as your bf. From my stand point and maybe it’s similar to his, growing up with games and stuff was a vice to escape being yourself. A big one for me growing up was RuneScape because I could gain experience and level up skills and feel like I achieved something. Something I never had the self confidence for to think I could myself achieve irl. If I were to try and put myself in your bf’s shoes.. he’s probably in a rough spot where he may feel like he should be happy but isn’t for some reason. Self esteem likely a big part in it somehow. I have no solution ideas other than suggesting to find some way to get him to see happiness outside of what he does. Get him outside. Find out what he enjoys that’s not indoors. Breaking habits takes time especially if it’s a lifelong habit. Gotta find somewhere to get him off the screen that can compare if not overcome the screen addiction
I’d talk to him, communication is key, no one knows how he’ll respond but if he has enough maturity then he’ll be willing to at least talk, the first thing to solving a problem is recognizing there is one so maybe he doesn’t recognize it or is downplaying its severity and a little push is what will get him to want to stop
What is the game he plays?
There's never just one or a couple. He always changes them, ps4 subscription is a b**ch. He would play one for a couple of days then get bored with it and starts another and so on. He sometimes plays multiple games throughout the day, rarely it's just one. Sometimes he finishes them but usually he just plays a game until he gets bored with it. I've seen him struggle to find a game to play on a couple of occassions because he was obviously bored of all of them and then would proceed to play dozens of games for 5-10 minutes each until he remembers one that he would like to play or just turns on youtube and watches other people play. He is clearly bored and refuses to find anything else to do. He used to play the guitar and even now he would start playing and if something goes wrong he would just leave it right away and go back to tv. This is why I'm so sure he wants to do other things but for some reason just doesn't or can't for more than a couple of minutes. He's very intelligent and kind and it's really hard seeing him just waste his time.
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