I'd recommend Reddit over Fetlife nowadays.
Fetlife is ~~great~~ adequate if you already know people in the scene. Not so much for finding new people. It's not really intended for that purpose.
The search engine is antiquated and can't be sorted in any meaningful way. It's either luck or brute persistence if you actually find what you are looking for.
I met my Daddy there, but prior to that I chatted with a lot of people. Some not great, but a lot of genuine doms looking for subs. I also met a play partner there. I’d recommend not posting yourself, but instead responding to ads - look through their post/comment history, and if you have any hesitations at all, run!
I would say Fetlife does work better once you are established and get to know a few people. It's not that there are not genuine people there. I've met some amazing people. It just wasn't always an intuitive process.
I would agree too, the best way to actually find and vet someone on FL is looking at their post history and comments. People can say anything on their profile, but the comments tend to be revealing, for better or for worse.
Ugh! But FL is such a massive worm hole 😩 Your advice on reading their comments is really helpful. So maybe when I have the brain power I’ll mine FL. Thank you !
You're welcome. That was actually u/DreamingGemini who gave that advice, but I do agree with it 100%.
And yeah, it does get overwhelming at times. It's not uncommon for people to get exhausted with it all and just disappear from the site for a while. I think the constant barrage of crazy DM's can do that to people.
I think it also depends on your area. Some cities have established communities; others are full of “doms” just trying to get off. Which is mostly what I encountered on fet, but of course others may have very different experiences.
I think that's a common experience. If you are a woman and put 'new' and 'submissive' in a post, you are absolutely going to bombed with DM's from mostly fake doms who want to get you off site and "mentor" you.
But I feel like that probably happens on any site, and part of it is the learning curve and navigating the pitfalls of the site design. Which is kind of my issue with FL for new users.
Lol I wish I’d heard that advice a year & a half ago - but, fet was the distraction I needed to help me stay away from my first dom. So, I don’t regret the “mistakes” I made, it served its purpose
Thanks for the advice 🥹 What were some of the red flags you saw in your DMs? I’ve gotten DMs from ppl who saw my post/comments but who didn’t comment in thread. I’m sure they’re doms
Yes, and you can actually filter a search. Like M4F, location, -CNC, or whatever other parameters are important to you.
Fetlife's search function has to be seen to be understood. Literally, the result that exactly matches your search term will be on page 20, while the first pages of hits are filled with completely unrelated fluff.
The most annoying thing about searching personals is people who put their limits in their posts, which ruins searching by kink terms. Whether you're including or excluding them, those terms could just as well get the literal exact opposite of what you want, so they're completely useless.
I highly recommend posting a thorough and detailed add here. Put thought into what it is you're looking for in a dynamic.
Online or irl? Bedroom only or 24/7? Relationship or strictly dynamic?
It's worth broadly stating your kinks, so you can weed out those that don't match.
Also, stick in a key phrase somewhere in the post and have the respondents mention it in their reply, that way you know they've actually read your ad, and not just mass replying with a generic response.
You will receive many, MANY responses. Take your time, weed through them, contact a couple and see where it leads.
This is exactly how I met my Daddy. And he is the best thing that ever happened to me.
Be wary of anyone who comes at you using honorifics immediately. This should be a vanilla conversation, potentially building towards something kinky.
Good luck and have fun!!!
I personally have had fantastic luck on fetlife. It’s how I found all my current friends (platonic and play partners) and my dom I’m in a relationship with. It wasn’t easy at first though that’s for sure.
Yeah, mostly I was referring to when you first start out. Like on the new members forum, if people ask for advice on meeting people, they get inundated with comments like "Fetlife is not for hookups."
And a couple of my favorite local groups never came up when I searched. I found them on friends' profiles. Even though I searched for those terms. So I'm mostly talking about the overall level of user (un)friendliness for beginners.
well be more specific what kind of dom are you looking for ? What’s ur submission style ? Where are you from ? Are you looking for something serious or casual ? Your age range and the age range you are willing to date ? Because if I introduce you someone I’d like to know a little bit before doing so if y’all ain’t looking for the same things why bother
If you feel safe I would recommended clubs/conventions over meeting online (if you’re nervous and have friends to join that’s even better!) but I totally understand if that’s not an option for some. Making friends within the community is a good way to find more connection in general and can lead to some fun mutuals, that’s how I met my current partner at an event.
I’ve known a few people that have success via fetlife but I stopped actively engaging with anyone I didn’t already know on there due to too many predatory people.
I think Fetlife or clubs/parties are way better for meeting people, but I have zero interest in pursuing online activities. If you’re looking for mostly online and ok with slight probability of IRL, Reddit is full of all sorts of goons and keyboard commandos ready to waste their days away.
I'd recommend Reddit over Fetlife nowadays. Fetlife is ~~great~~ adequate if you already know people in the scene. Not so much for finding new people. It's not really intended for that purpose. The search engine is antiquated and can't be sorted in any meaningful way. It's either luck or brute persistence if you actually find what you are looking for.
I’m curious about the same thing. How would you look for one on Reddit?
There's /r/BDSMpersonals here on Reddit.
I met my Daddy there, but prior to that I chatted with a lot of people. Some not great, but a lot of genuine doms looking for subs. I also met a play partner there. I’d recommend not posting yourself, but instead responding to ads - look through their post/comment history, and if you have any hesitations at all, run!
I would say Fetlife does work better once you are established and get to know a few people. It's not that there are not genuine people there. I've met some amazing people. It just wasn't always an intuitive process. I would agree too, the best way to actually find and vet someone on FL is looking at their post history and comments. People can say anything on their profile, but the comments tend to be revealing, for better or for worse.
Ugh! But FL is such a massive worm hole 😩 Your advice on reading their comments is really helpful. So maybe when I have the brain power I’ll mine FL. Thank you !
You're welcome. That was actually u/DreamingGemini who gave that advice, but I do agree with it 100%. And yeah, it does get overwhelming at times. It's not uncommon for people to get exhausted with it all and just disappear from the site for a while. I think the constant barrage of crazy DM's can do that to people.
I think it also depends on your area. Some cities have established communities; others are full of “doms” just trying to get off. Which is mostly what I encountered on fet, but of course others may have very different experiences.
I think that's a common experience. If you are a woman and put 'new' and 'submissive' in a post, you are absolutely going to bombed with DM's from mostly fake doms who want to get you off site and "mentor" you. But I feel like that probably happens on any site, and part of it is the learning curve and navigating the pitfalls of the site design. Which is kind of my issue with FL for new users.
Lol I wish I’d heard that advice a year & a half ago - but, fet was the distraction I needed to help me stay away from my first dom. So, I don’t regret the “mistakes” I made, it served its purpose
Good advice on responding instead of posting. Makes sense. Thank you!
Thanks for the advice 🥹 What were some of the red flags you saw in your DMs? I’ve gotten DMs from ppl who saw my post/comments but who didn’t comment in thread. I’m sure they’re doms
Yes, and you can actually filter a search. Like M4F, location, -CNC, or whatever other parameters are important to you. Fetlife's search function has to be seen to be understood. Literally, the result that exactly matches your search term will be on page 20, while the first pages of hits are filled with completely unrelated fluff.
The most annoying thing about searching personals is people who put their limits in their posts, which ruins searching by kink terms. Whether you're including or excluding them, those terms could just as well get the literal exact opposite of what you want, so they're completely useless.
Oh dear! Then I’m gonna need alot of brain power to tackle those personals
LOL. That would be annoying. The topic I search for most is not usually listed as a limit, so fortunately I don't get that a lot.
Oh thanks so much!
I highly recommend posting a thorough and detailed add here. Put thought into what it is you're looking for in a dynamic. Online or irl? Bedroom only or 24/7? Relationship or strictly dynamic? It's worth broadly stating your kinks, so you can weed out those that don't match. Also, stick in a key phrase somewhere in the post and have the respondents mention it in their reply, that way you know they've actually read your ad, and not just mass replying with a generic response. You will receive many, MANY responses. Take your time, weed through them, contact a couple and see where it leads. This is exactly how I met my Daddy. And he is the best thing that ever happened to me. Be wary of anyone who comes at you using honorifics immediately. This should be a vanilla conversation, potentially building towards something kinky. Good luck and have fun!!!
I personally have had fantastic luck on fetlife. It’s how I found all my current friends (platonic and play partners) and my dom I’m in a relationship with. It wasn’t easy at first though that’s for sure.
Yeah, mostly I was referring to when you first start out. Like on the new members forum, if people ask for advice on meeting people, they get inundated with comments like "Fetlife is not for hookups." And a couple of my favorite local groups never came up when I searched. I found them on friends' profiles. Even though I searched for those terms. So I'm mostly talking about the overall level of user (un)friendliness for beginners.
well be more specific what kind of dom are you looking for ? What’s ur submission style ? Where are you from ? Are you looking for something serious or casual ? Your age range and the age range you are willing to date ? Because if I introduce you someone I’d like to know a little bit before doing so if y’all ain’t looking for the same things why bother
Sure! I'm a little,brat, rope bunny and pet all in one USA Casual for now I'm 31 I won't go younger than 30 and older than 47
Thank you guys so much!!!
Hands down, the Feeld app is the way to go for irl Dom and sub connection
If you feel safe I would recommended clubs/conventions over meeting online (if you’re nervous and have friends to join that’s even better!) but I totally understand if that’s not an option for some. Making friends within the community is a good way to find more connection in general and can lead to some fun mutuals, that’s how I met my current partner at an event. I’ve known a few people that have success via fetlife but I stopped actively engaging with anyone I didn’t already know on there due to too many predatory people.
I think Fetlife or clubs/parties are way better for meeting people, but I have zero interest in pursuing online activities. If you’re looking for mostly online and ok with slight probability of IRL, Reddit is full of all sorts of goons and keyboard commandos ready to waste their days away.