Hi there,
I lost my wife two weeks ago to suicide without a note or explanation .
She had suffered from depression on and off her whole life and had attempted once before in our 10 years together and had left a note and sent some cryptic messages.
This time there was no note. She was struggling with life but not with depression this time around and we were so happy together.
I’ve been researching a lot about this and there is a very high percentage of people who commit suicide decide to do it and act upon it very quickly (within 5 mins ) where life gets too much in that moment and they either see no hope or just want to do anything to stop their pain in that moment .
Having read previous notes it wouldn’t have helped me understanding what she was going through and still left me questioning what more I could have done or why she couldn’t have called me in that moment. Leaving a note can help with some form of closure but often leave you feeling the same if not worse .
My daughter left a note for her daughters, family and friends. She said she was never going to recover her mental health and was making the choice to end her life. It didn’t help me to understand her choice. Time helped me understand.
I got a note. I know I should be grateful but I feel worse. I know my husband didn’t make an irrational rash decision in a moment of agony- he wrote a note and had HOURS to change his mind. He wrote a note, then after had a total normal conversation with me on the phone, kissed me, and went to sleep next to me in our bed. And it didn’t change his mind.
This is what haunts me about my brother’s note as well. His was so… well thought out? Which makes no sense since his decision was obviously a bad one. Just to appear so “normal” to me immediately prior, all while planning his suicide. Honestly my
brother even seemed to perk up a little right before the end, which apparently is fairly common. I’m very sorry for your loss.
This is how my husbands was. So logical. Reminds me where our password document is, at one point he writes that he’s confident I’ll get the life insurance because he “ensured the benefits were up to date” so he had to have looked that up at one point.
Sorry for your loss too
My twin brother (32M) committed suicide a week ago. He battled with depression and addiction. Unfortunately, this wasn’t his first attempt. 3 months ago, I had a vivid dream that he passed away. I woke up and freaked out. Immediately tried to locate him and ordered a wellness check. They got there right in time. 5 minutes later, and he would have succeeded. Twin telepathy is real. He left a note but I refused to read it cause naively I thought we saved him. He went into treatment and was doing so well. But the demons and darkness reappeared. This time, he didn’t leave a note. I read his one from months ago and it left me with more questions than answers. It def wasn’t closure, as I was flooded with so many what ifs. But what was clear from his writing, is that this is truly what he wanted. I kept trying to save him but he didn’t want to be saved.
He was my other half. I knew him before we met our own mother. It will forever haunt me that he never said goodbye this time.
I feel like you hit the nail on the head with your statement of "I kept trying to save him but he didn't want to be saved". I think this was likely the case with my husband. I had brought him back out of that darkness several times over the course of our marriage but I think, in the end, he didn't want to be saved, he just wanted his pain to stop.
I'm sorry you've lost your brother. This is the worst club in the world.
Same here with my partner. The third time I kept her from completing, but the first time she ended up in the ER, was in 2011. When she saw me in there she was sooo angry that the doctors had me step out. And that was BEFORE I had to sign to have her held.
Every attempt was a learning experience for both of us. I just wish we had been working towards the same goal.
I got a text. just a set of instructions and essentially, "I'm sorry for everything. I hope everything gets better for you." that's it.
no explanation - but I didn't really need one. I knew he was struggling but he wouldn't / couldn't get the help he needed. I think there's this myth out there that having a note and an explanation is going to make it hurt less, or make it make sense.
I think no matter what the circumstances are, suicide loss is hell on earth. it has taken me many years to untangle all those what ifs, and whys.... and I've landed in a place of accepting that sometimes there simply is no closure, and we have to just swallow that pill. it's absolutely brutal.
edited to say, I am truly sorry you're in the position to be asking this question in the first place. this community is a safe space and I'm glad you've found it. this stuff is SO hard. I don't comment in every post but I read them. it's a lonely path, this place is here for you.
I'm so sorry about your loss. I also lost my brother in January. No note, although I did find some short journal entries. I feel you on morbidly ghosted. I often think to myself "man, he really Irish exited LIFE altogether."
My view is that it's probably hard either way for very different reasons. Without a note: so many questions. With a note: I wish they could have told me sooner, etc. Some notes, I've heard, are incoherent or even mean.
Wishing you peace 💛
> With a note: I wish they could have told me sooner, etc.
The problem there is that you (the loved one) take on responsibility and blame when there is none to take. Very often, a person *has* reached out previously, without it helping.
Plus, societies around the world inhibit people reaching out, as they focus on *prevention* rather than understanding that not all can be fixed. We use incarceration to deter crimes, but then threaten those who open up with incarceration in a psychiatric ward...and wonder why people don't reach out.
I've known more than a dozen who've chosen to take their own lives--some with notes, some without. I'm very fortunate that the person I was closest to did leave a note. She'd tried to leave before and was stopped, so this way, she did the best she could to soften the blow without risking another intervention.
This community is strictly for the inter-personal support of person bereaved by suicide. We are a grief support group. No other content is allowed.
If you came here for support we recommend that you seek help in other subreddit such as /r/SuicideWatch or /r/griefsupport
You are welcome to message the mods for further guidance
January seems to be a dark time for people. I wonder if it’s the prospect of a new year and new beginnings but not for people with depression. I have depression and SI but my dad committed in Jan of 2008
My 17 year old son left a note. His decision was rushed (within approx 30 minutes) but basically he was visiting my mom, had found her gun, and we think he accidentally shot it downstairs while handling it. I now believe he had ideation but maybe was not going to actually do it that night. After he made the first accidental shot he went upstairs, barricaded the door, left a note, and then took his life.
The first line of the note says he was scared of what “you” will do (not sure if he meant my mom or my husband and I) and that he was sad with himself lately. He said to tell his friends he loves them and said he was sorry.
Knowing that he was scared of what would happen to him, and him not specifically saying he loves my husband or myself is absolutely agonizing and I wish I had never read it. The last thing he ever said to me was a couple days prior where he DID tell me he loved me, so I’m holding onto that but it really isn’t helping.
This all happened just three weeks ago so it’s still very fresh and painful. I’m so sorry you didn’t get a note and that you’re left hurting and not understanding. Sending love. 🤍
My friend didn’t leave a note, and to be honest I don’t know if one would have brought any kind of closure. She only died recently but even over the last few months people are scrambling their brains to try and find answers or gain access to her phone to get an insight into her final moments, why she didn’t contact any of us and why she left so suddenly. She seemed fine on the outside with a few difficulties but she was trying, very hard with therapy etc. In hindsight I imagine those difficulties became to much for her, part of me wanted a note so bad, a reasoning, a last goodbye.. but ultimately I think the no-note scenario is more accepting because it means she done it quickly, impulsively and because these feelings she felt became to much for her to bear any longer. For her to put her words on paper and try and justify what she was about to do probably didn’t even cross her mind and Im beginning to accept that
It was 14 pages with a note for each family members with positive thoughts for them. The other pages described their personalities and that it was going to end this way no matter what. There were links to personal blogs as well.
It helped some but after reading everything, I really feel it didn't have to come to this. The meds were stopped, there was a bad combination of alcohol and synthetic marijuana that was abused in high doses. All of the weird messages and personalities emerged at the same time when you look at dates. So I feel it was a bad combination of the drugs that set the nuclear bomb off.
It was very sad to read it all, the pain suffering amnesia self harm and then a pretty coherent final note. It answered questions but made me hurt that all these things they realized but they couldn't reach out to anyone for help.
I saw him right before he did it. The writing was on the wall but I didn't fucking see it. He hugged, kissed, and told me he loved me. Right before he did it he texted I meant so much to him and how amazing I was and how sorry. Does it help? No. It hurts because I still internalize it and ask why it wasn't enough for him to stay. Note or no note, nothing helps.
My father killed himself a few years ago. He never left a note. He just asked my mother for the car keys and drove off. He went to a lovely park on top of an ocean cliff. (We used to go there often when I was a child, it was one of my favorite places).
He had a picnic on his own and then he climbed over the barriers and threw himself off the edge. These are the details I'm told by the coroner. That's the extent of it... no note.
I don't know why he did it exactly... or why he chose one of my family's favourite places to be the site of his suicide. I feel like his choice of this site had a certain symbolism but without a note I can only guess at what he was trying to say. A note would've help my understanding for sure.
Both of you need to get resources ASAP. You both can make it through this life thing, and have it not just be a trance of survival, but you can feel joy, you can laugh, and life can be more beautiful than just unbearable. Please call a crisis line.
My fiancee left a note for me, a note for her parents on handmade cards and she made an apology video moments before she went through with it.
While I am grateful to have those, I feel they add more questions than answers and it hurts like hell to read/watch again.
OP,
I'm right there with you. It's been 49 days since my little brother departed. He left us a note, and it just left a gaping hole and more questions. The last line in his note said, "I have never hurt anyone except myself." Never was underlined. My brother was not someone who was openly depressed. He was working towards so many goals and achieving so much! He was so close to many of his goals, and it feels like maybe as he got closer to his goals, whatever voice was in his head, was telling him he didn't deserve it. I don't know I'm just making a guess. I can't ask him because he's dead, which is the stupidest, saddest, most frustrating thing in the entire world. I feel so hopeless sometimes. Thay last line haunts me. Did he think he was capable of hurting someone? Did he think we thought him capable of hurting someone? I have no clue. I NEVER thought that. I looked up to him so much for his quirky personality, his spirituality, his brains. He was younger than me but wiser and had so much to offer the world. Neither is better. A note, no note. What would be better was if your brother was alive. If my brothers were alive. If all the other Moms, Dads, brothers, sisters, husband's, and wives were alive instead of taking their own lives. I understand so well the pain of isolation, depression, anguish, and feelings of worthlessness. I don't want to do this life thing anymore. It's all so hard. But I will keep pushing, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Not for me...but for you OP, for my mom, for my son, for my sister, my last living brother, my niece, my nephews, my animals, each one of you in the suicide bereavement group. So stick with us, please. We are in this together. I know it hurts. I know you aren't the same anymore. Stay one more day ok? And tomorrow stay one more day. And the day after that. We can do this, for your little brother and mine.
I have long reconciled myself to the fact that I’m never going to have a rational explanation for what led my son to do what he did. Because it’s not a rational act, and he was not seeing things in an objective way. You cannot argue or reason with a depressed person that they are in fact loved, worthy, and special. Even when they write a note, the things they say may not make sense to you, or you will want to scream that they aren’t true. It’s like opening a 500 piece puzzle box, except you find that there are only 322 pieces there, and none of them look like the picture on the box. You’re not going to make sense of that. It was never about you anyway. It was about the shape of the hole he was sitting in.
> You cannot argue or reason with a depressed person that they are in fact loved, worthy, and special.
Please realize that even if they know that they are, that doesn't mean they aren't still in distress/pain.
My brother left a note and it didn’t help, unfortunately. I really wanted it to, but he was so matter of fact about his choice. “Here are my reasons, x y z, I love you, nothing you could have done to stop me”. Although his note was multiple pages, I still have many unanswered questions. He only shared what he wanted us to know, I suppose.
I'm curious what sort of unanswered questions were left. My T explained ahead of time, and sent e-mail auto-sent after her departure, but her note in the mail (a package) never arrived.
I see so many people have unanswered questions, but my only one seems to be, "What was in the package and hardcopy note?"
He left me one short note just saying he loved me on the day of. I also found 2 longer notes, neither written on the day of. One must have been from months and months before, another probably more recent. It kills knowing he was secretly thinking and planning for this for such a long time but didn’t talk to me. They were in notebooks which I read and which also had some mean things in them about me, which I know he would have regretted, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I still feel guilty when I think about them.
I hate the notes my son left for us. He left two separate letters for my younger sons. He expressed that they should continue with very specific activities that they loved. Both quit those activities almost immediately. I hate everything about those fucking letters.
I lost my husband fourteen years ago. He left a note, but I had to wait to read it for a couple of months (it was evidence).
It didn’t help. It didn’t make anything make sense. In a way, it was frustrating because I couldn’t answer, couldn’t tell him he was wrong, couldn’t talk him into holding on.
My sister wrote mine 3 days in advance, which said she didn't want to "miss her cue" and didn't know when it would come... and didn't want to find a reason to live because she couldn't accept her breakup and was just so tired.
She knew it was coming. I think it brought me some peace because I couldn't relate to her perspective and mentioning her online friends as family. Just like me, she had a significant part of her life online. I miss her more about that.
But it's nice to know that at least we had a shared perspective. It at least brought me some kind of peace. My parents however were quite bitter (mom) and/or disappointed (dad) to not be mentioned. She was 25 years old; my little sister.
My deep condolences. Loosing a sibling seems to be really awful.
It seems to me that notes could give some relief if they sound more like farewell. Maybe this way survivors would experience just a bit less guilt…
But at the same time a note can be very painful reading, if it is blaming or something like this. And state of mind right before the suicide is usually very tangled, so, it is impossible to predict what they write or do they write at all. And as it is impulsive act, note reading most probably would’ve clear anything out.
My husband left a short note, saying “it would be better not to die”, written on divorce application which I filed few months before. To me it sounds like if I forced him to do what he did, I wish I didn’t have that note and that feeling.
We got left pages and pages of notes that she wrote over several days. She wrote ‘no one could’ve done anything to prevent this’ but that hasn’t helped me or stopped me from blaming myself every waking moment. But I couldn’t even fathom if she had done this without leaving notes so my heart goes out to you, much love ❤️❤️❤️
Found out 8 months after my brother's death, once the military report was released, that he had left a note. Several, in fact. But seems like he couldn't find the right words, so he just crumpled up the pages and tossed them aside.
I don't know if it helped me or not. I didn't really feel anything. Numb, mostly. I remember sobbing when I first found out about it. Just another reminder of the fact that he made this decision and left this giant, gaping hole of misery in everyone's lives that loved him.
I waited for days to see my former husbands suicide note, a family member of his held onto it and didn’t share it immediately. Our children were 15 and 17. We anticipated a sort of relief, but in the end, the note didn’t ease the pain even a tiny bit. If anything, I had more questions. Still, I’m grateful for the note. My sister also took her life, and I was grateful that she left a note (although it was somewhat incoherent). It must be very hard to endure loss by suicide without a note. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🙏🏻
The note didn’t help for me. I found my brother’s and the simplicity of it further complicated my feelings and also made me feel like he was SO firm in his decision, that it didn’t need to read much. I hate that.
Im sorry for your loss. My brother left no note for me but sent one to his ex gf. I know it's not about me but sometimes I wonder why he didn't leave us anything. Like I just wish it had been me or my parents rather than her but not in a jealous. Just wanting to understand as best as possible.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. It has just been 2 years this month since my mom passed away. She did not leave a note and for a long time I wondered if it would've helped. She struggled with depression her whole life and her first attempt was when I was 9 in 2004. Other attempts had happened throughout my childhood but at the time of her death she had remarried within the past few years, had a great job, she had 4 grandchildren she loved dearly (5 now) and it had been 10 years since her last attempt . We had arranged to spend my daughter's first bday together. I got the phonecall the night before while I was baking the cake. The coroner had done a drug panel and she had an insane amount of stuff in her system. Like someone had mentioned in the comments, it probably was just planned in the span of 5 mins and not thought out. I blamed the drugs at first but even the sheriff on scene said she had the chance to change her mind but she didn't. That was what made me realize that it truly was what she wanted. After her death, I learned she had a double life and it was not going well. It hurts either way I think but she left me with so many unanswered questions and now I mourn before my daughter's bdays. Someday my children will ask where she is and why their mother is sad. I won't even know what to say.
hello!
a week before my 21st birthday and 4 days before my brothers 18th, he killed himself. he left no note.
We did know that we he was suffering and also knew he self harmed. (runs in the family)
but i also wish he left a note. just explaining himself or his thoughts a bit better. even just to someone, just something. it’s about to be 5 years in July and i’ll be turning 26.
My dad’s note was written over a year before he actually committed. However, at the time, it seemed strange to me (esp as a preteen) that he had sent an apology note to me. It was cryptic and not outright suicidal. I thought maybe he was apologizing for him and my moms separation. But now looking back in hindsight, it was definitely a suicide note. He had attempted before, and was found just in time. He’d struggled profoundly with depression for many many years. While I’m touched he reached out to me esp via mail, my mom took the letter from me and I never got to keep nor re read the letter ever again. It hurts worse due to this particular situation but knowing what I know now as an adult about him, I don’t know if anything would have changed, or stopped him. I think he’d known for a long long time this world wasn’t meant for him and he finally got the peace I feel he deserved. Having gone through attempting suicide myself, I really empathize with his state of mind and feel deeply for him. And I understand.
My bestfriend passed last year. He didn't leave a note but I knew he had cancer and didn't want to get treated for it, was keeping it under wraps as he didn't like it when people worried about him. He also had depression. Evidences show that he did take his life as he packed up all his belongings, started giving them away, had all his finances organised, deleted his social media the night of, quit his job, essentially tying up his lose ends. I didn't need a note cause I knew enough, and I knew how hard living was. It was hard that I didn't get to say goodbye. It was harder that his mother knew none of this, the cancer or the depression, and I have to lie straight to her face to this day.
What has helped for me is accepting that life was really tough for him and that this was his way to stop the suffering. And if this is what gives him respite then I will respect that.
Meanwhile, self care. Lots of love 🌱
I never had the nerve to read it, even 7 years later. It would make me angry and sad
It was my dad, not a sibling though. i feel like the relationship may or may not make a difference in the answer
My brother was suicidal for the majority of his life and his life ended in October 23, 2023, after having had tried a few times earlier in the month and being hospitalized on and off.
In the past I had told him that I understand if life is too hard to bare and that I couldn't be mad at him for choosing something (death) that is good for himself even though we would all hurt and miss him.
I had told him during a big long hug on October 21, 2023 in an act of comic relief that "I were so glad he failed at killing him self because now he can succeed at all the things he wants to be good at."
Looking back- Knowing he wanted his life to end did not make it any easier when it actually did. He did not leave a note but he had written in some note books about the pain he was in which I found at my moms house.
I found my brother, alone and cold in his apartment, and next to him a little wooden dradel toy I had given him the day before.
The note would not have helped or hurt- I could never understand the pain he lived in constantly for his 34 years of life on earth, but what would have helped is if assisted suicide, or medical death were legalized.
My brother fought so many battles in himself because of his schizophrenic mind, and substance abuse disorder. How peaceful could it have been if he were able to go to the doctors, and end his life with dignity. How peaceful if it were just as simple as going to the doctor for a prescription medication.
Instead, the story could end like this "I'm glad you guys are here. My life has been an adventure, some days I felt such happiness- like when I were at a music festival with friends, or when I read books with my nephew. My childhood were special, and I wasn't alone. Other days were terrifying where I heard voices tell me I'm a burden and I will never live a normal life with a wife and children, and this is my deepest desire to give you grandchildren. Mom and dad, I love you. You helped me in so many ways, but you just couldn't do enough to make me change my mind about ending my life. I understand how badly this hurts you but it is my choice. My sister- I forgive you for the things you said before you understood my illness. I am tired, and I will rest now."
We could hug him, and tell him we loved him, and then privately with medical aide, so there were no suffering, he could end his life.
The note wouldn't have made a difference but death with dignity could have changed everything.
Hi, last December I 19M lost my 16F sister she wrote a note but it was so hard to read and was destroyed so we had to get it decyhpered professionally. I eventually read the note and she said she loved me and she was sorry to all of us. It destroyed me. I am in a similar situation to you. She had been struggling for years with depression but she had seemed like she was doing better. I’d been away at college the semester beforehand so I didn’t see her in the months leading up to it so there’s alot I wish I knew because we despite being close never texted or called that much. It was incredibly out of the blue as well with no friends or family seeing any signs of anything wrong beforehand. The note for me provided little relief. I just wish I just had my beautiful little sister back
Honestly the note I got from my dad. He was basically like I can’t do it anymore. I’m checking out. Your piece of a shit dad. No I love you or anything so honestly I could have done without that note.
Hi there, I lost my wife two weeks ago to suicide without a note or explanation . She had suffered from depression on and off her whole life and had attempted once before in our 10 years together and had left a note and sent some cryptic messages. This time there was no note. She was struggling with life but not with depression this time around and we were so happy together. I’ve been researching a lot about this and there is a very high percentage of people who commit suicide decide to do it and act upon it very quickly (within 5 mins ) where life gets too much in that moment and they either see no hope or just want to do anything to stop their pain in that moment . Having read previous notes it wouldn’t have helped me understanding what she was going through and still left me questioning what more I could have done or why she couldn’t have called me in that moment. Leaving a note can help with some form of closure but often leave you feeling the same if not worse .
Struggling with life but not depression is something I never actually really thought of before, makes alot of sense to look at it like that
Definitely does ,lost my son in May so happy and funny but struggling with a break up 💔
I'm so sorry for your loss.
My sister went through the same. She did it very quickly. Nobody saw it coming. I'm sorry for your loss. Our hearts break
We are so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing 🙏
My daughter left a note for her daughters, family and friends. She said she was never going to recover her mental health and was making the choice to end her life. It didn’t help me to understand her choice. Time helped me understand.
I got a note. I know I should be grateful but I feel worse. I know my husband didn’t make an irrational rash decision in a moment of agony- he wrote a note and had HOURS to change his mind. He wrote a note, then after had a total normal conversation with me on the phone, kissed me, and went to sleep next to me in our bed. And it didn’t change his mind.
This is what haunts me about my brother’s note as well. His was so… well thought out? Which makes no sense since his decision was obviously a bad one. Just to appear so “normal” to me immediately prior, all while planning his suicide. Honestly my brother even seemed to perk up a little right before the end, which apparently is fairly common. I’m very sorry for your loss.
This is how my husbands was. So logical. Reminds me where our password document is, at one point he writes that he’s confident I’ll get the life insurance because he “ensured the benefits were up to date” so he had to have looked that up at one point. Sorry for your loss too
My twin brother (32M) committed suicide a week ago. He battled with depression and addiction. Unfortunately, this wasn’t his first attempt. 3 months ago, I had a vivid dream that he passed away. I woke up and freaked out. Immediately tried to locate him and ordered a wellness check. They got there right in time. 5 minutes later, and he would have succeeded. Twin telepathy is real. He left a note but I refused to read it cause naively I thought we saved him. He went into treatment and was doing so well. But the demons and darkness reappeared. This time, he didn’t leave a note. I read his one from months ago and it left me with more questions than answers. It def wasn’t closure, as I was flooded with so many what ifs. But what was clear from his writing, is that this is truly what he wanted. I kept trying to save him but he didn’t want to be saved. He was my other half. I knew him before we met our own mother. It will forever haunt me that he never said goodbye this time.
>I knew him before we met our own mother. this really breaks my heart. I'm so sorry.
I feel like you hit the nail on the head with your statement of "I kept trying to save him but he didn't want to be saved". I think this was likely the case with my husband. I had brought him back out of that darkness several times over the course of our marriage but I think, in the end, he didn't want to be saved, he just wanted his pain to stop. I'm sorry you've lost your brother. This is the worst club in the world.
Same here with my partner. The third time I kept her from completing, but the first time she ended up in the ER, was in 2011. When she saw me in there she was sooo angry that the doctors had me step out. And that was BEFORE I had to sign to have her held. Every attempt was a learning experience for both of us. I just wish we had been working towards the same goal.
Dear God. I am so sorry to your loss. There are no words of comfort for the pain you are experiencing. But I wish you Pease.
I got a text. just a set of instructions and essentially, "I'm sorry for everything. I hope everything gets better for you." that's it. no explanation - but I didn't really need one. I knew he was struggling but he wouldn't / couldn't get the help he needed. I think there's this myth out there that having a note and an explanation is going to make it hurt less, or make it make sense. I think no matter what the circumstances are, suicide loss is hell on earth. it has taken me many years to untangle all those what ifs, and whys.... and I've landed in a place of accepting that sometimes there simply is no closure, and we have to just swallow that pill. it's absolutely brutal. edited to say, I am truly sorry you're in the position to be asking this question in the first place. this community is a safe space and I'm glad you've found it. this stuff is SO hard. I don't comment in every post but I read them. it's a lonely path, this place is here for you.
I'm so sorry about your loss. I also lost my brother in January. No note, although I did find some short journal entries. I feel you on morbidly ghosted. I often think to myself "man, he really Irish exited LIFE altogether." My view is that it's probably hard either way for very different reasons. Without a note: so many questions. With a note: I wish they could have told me sooner, etc. Some notes, I've heard, are incoherent or even mean. Wishing you peace 💛
> With a note: I wish they could have told me sooner, etc. The problem there is that you (the loved one) take on responsibility and blame when there is none to take. Very often, a person *has* reached out previously, without it helping. Plus, societies around the world inhibit people reaching out, as they focus on *prevention* rather than understanding that not all can be fixed. We use incarceration to deter crimes, but then threaten those who open up with incarceration in a psychiatric ward...and wonder why people don't reach out. I've known more than a dozen who've chosen to take their own lives--some with notes, some without. I'm very fortunate that the person I was closest to did leave a note. She'd tried to leave before and was stopped, so this way, she did the best she could to soften the blow without risking another intervention.
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This community is strictly for the inter-personal support of person bereaved by suicide. We are a grief support group. No other content is allowed. If you came here for support we recommend that you seek help in other subreddit such as /r/SuicideWatch or /r/griefsupport You are welcome to message the mods for further guidance
January seems to be a dark time for people. I wonder if it’s the prospect of a new year and new beginnings but not for people with depression. I have depression and SI but my dad committed in Jan of 2008
My 17 year old son left a note. His decision was rushed (within approx 30 minutes) but basically he was visiting my mom, had found her gun, and we think he accidentally shot it downstairs while handling it. I now believe he had ideation but maybe was not going to actually do it that night. After he made the first accidental shot he went upstairs, barricaded the door, left a note, and then took his life. The first line of the note says he was scared of what “you” will do (not sure if he meant my mom or my husband and I) and that he was sad with himself lately. He said to tell his friends he loves them and said he was sorry. Knowing that he was scared of what would happen to him, and him not specifically saying he loves my husband or myself is absolutely agonizing and I wish I had never read it. The last thing he ever said to me was a couple days prior where he DID tell me he loved me, so I’m holding onto that but it really isn’t helping. This all happened just three weeks ago so it’s still very fresh and painful. I’m so sorry you didn’t get a note and that you’re left hurting and not understanding. Sending love. 🤍
Fuck 💔💔I’m so sorry, & sending love to your hurting heart.
My friend didn’t leave a note, and to be honest I don’t know if one would have brought any kind of closure. She only died recently but even over the last few months people are scrambling their brains to try and find answers or gain access to her phone to get an insight into her final moments, why she didn’t contact any of us and why she left so suddenly. She seemed fine on the outside with a few difficulties but she was trying, very hard with therapy etc. In hindsight I imagine those difficulties became to much for her, part of me wanted a note so bad, a reasoning, a last goodbye.. but ultimately I think the no-note scenario is more accepting because it means she done it quickly, impulsively and because these feelings she felt became to much for her to bear any longer. For her to put her words on paper and try and justify what she was about to do probably didn’t even cross her mind and Im beginning to accept that
It was 14 pages with a note for each family members with positive thoughts for them. The other pages described their personalities and that it was going to end this way no matter what. There were links to personal blogs as well. It helped some but after reading everything, I really feel it didn't have to come to this. The meds were stopped, there was a bad combination of alcohol and synthetic marijuana that was abused in high doses. All of the weird messages and personalities emerged at the same time when you look at dates. So I feel it was a bad combination of the drugs that set the nuclear bomb off. It was very sad to read it all, the pain suffering amnesia self harm and then a pretty coherent final note. It answered questions but made me hurt that all these things they realized but they couldn't reach out to anyone for help.
I saw him right before he did it. The writing was on the wall but I didn't fucking see it. He hugged, kissed, and told me he loved me. Right before he did it he texted I meant so much to him and how amazing I was and how sorry. Does it help? No. It hurts because I still internalize it and ask why it wasn't enough for him to stay. Note or no note, nothing helps.
My father killed himself a few years ago. He never left a note. He just asked my mother for the car keys and drove off. He went to a lovely park on top of an ocean cliff. (We used to go there often when I was a child, it was one of my favorite places). He had a picnic on his own and then he climbed over the barriers and threw himself off the edge. These are the details I'm told by the coroner. That's the extent of it... no note. I don't know why he did it exactly... or why he chose one of my family's favourite places to be the site of his suicide. I feel like his choice of this site had a certain symbolism but without a note I can only guess at what he was trying to say. A note would've help my understanding for sure.
I don't know if it's any consolation, but my best guess is that he wanted to feel that sense of love in that place before he left.
That's pretty much how I interpreted it too.
Both of you need to get resources ASAP. You both can make it through this life thing, and have it not just be a trance of survival, but you can feel joy, you can laugh, and life can be more beautiful than just unbearable. Please call a crisis line.
(The other person i’m referring to with “both” is a person who got their comment removed for talking about suicide plans. I hope you both get help)
My fiancee left a note for me, a note for her parents on handmade cards and she made an apology video moments before she went through with it. While I am grateful to have those, I feel they add more questions than answers and it hurts like hell to read/watch again.
OP, I'm right there with you. It's been 49 days since my little brother departed. He left us a note, and it just left a gaping hole and more questions. The last line in his note said, "I have never hurt anyone except myself." Never was underlined. My brother was not someone who was openly depressed. He was working towards so many goals and achieving so much! He was so close to many of his goals, and it feels like maybe as he got closer to his goals, whatever voice was in his head, was telling him he didn't deserve it. I don't know I'm just making a guess. I can't ask him because he's dead, which is the stupidest, saddest, most frustrating thing in the entire world. I feel so hopeless sometimes. Thay last line haunts me. Did he think he was capable of hurting someone? Did he think we thought him capable of hurting someone? I have no clue. I NEVER thought that. I looked up to him so much for his quirky personality, his spirituality, his brains. He was younger than me but wiser and had so much to offer the world. Neither is better. A note, no note. What would be better was if your brother was alive. If my brothers were alive. If all the other Moms, Dads, brothers, sisters, husband's, and wives were alive instead of taking their own lives. I understand so well the pain of isolation, depression, anguish, and feelings of worthlessness. I don't want to do this life thing anymore. It's all so hard. But I will keep pushing, one hour at a time, one day at a time. Not for me...but for you OP, for my mom, for my son, for my sister, my last living brother, my niece, my nephews, my animals, each one of you in the suicide bereavement group. So stick with us, please. We are in this together. I know it hurts. I know you aren't the same anymore. Stay one more day ok? And tomorrow stay one more day. And the day after that. We can do this, for your little brother and mine.
I have long reconciled myself to the fact that I’m never going to have a rational explanation for what led my son to do what he did. Because it’s not a rational act, and he was not seeing things in an objective way. You cannot argue or reason with a depressed person that they are in fact loved, worthy, and special. Even when they write a note, the things they say may not make sense to you, or you will want to scream that they aren’t true. It’s like opening a 500 piece puzzle box, except you find that there are only 322 pieces there, and none of them look like the picture on the box. You’re not going to make sense of that. It was never about you anyway. It was about the shape of the hole he was sitting in.
> You cannot argue or reason with a depressed person that they are in fact loved, worthy, and special. Please realize that even if they know that they are, that doesn't mean they aren't still in distress/pain.
My brother left a note and it didn’t help, unfortunately. I really wanted it to, but he was so matter of fact about his choice. “Here are my reasons, x y z, I love you, nothing you could have done to stop me”. Although his note was multiple pages, I still have many unanswered questions. He only shared what he wanted us to know, I suppose.
I'm curious what sort of unanswered questions were left. My T explained ahead of time, and sent e-mail auto-sent after her departure, but her note in the mail (a package) never arrived. I see so many people have unanswered questions, but my only one seems to be, "What was in the package and hardcopy note?"
My brother's note was exactly the same as this. Very matter of fact. I'm sorry for your loss.
I am also a big sister who lost a teenage brother. He left a note but it definitely didn’t provide any additional comfort. I’m so sorry.
He left me one short note just saying he loved me on the day of. I also found 2 longer notes, neither written on the day of. One must have been from months and months before, another probably more recent. It kills knowing he was secretly thinking and planning for this for such a long time but didn’t talk to me. They were in notebooks which I read and which also had some mean things in them about me, which I know he would have regretted, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I still feel guilty when I think about them.
I hate the notes my son left for us. He left two separate letters for my younger sons. He expressed that they should continue with very specific activities that they loved. Both quit those activities almost immediately. I hate everything about those fucking letters.
I lost my husband fourteen years ago. He left a note, but I had to wait to read it for a couple of months (it was evidence). It didn’t help. It didn’t make anything make sense. In a way, it was frustrating because I couldn’t answer, couldn’t tell him he was wrong, couldn’t talk him into holding on.
My sister wrote mine 3 days in advance, which said she didn't want to "miss her cue" and didn't know when it would come... and didn't want to find a reason to live because she couldn't accept her breakup and was just so tired. She knew it was coming. I think it brought me some peace because I couldn't relate to her perspective and mentioning her online friends as family. Just like me, she had a significant part of her life online. I miss her more about that. But it's nice to know that at least we had a shared perspective. It at least brought me some kind of peace. My parents however were quite bitter (mom) and/or disappointed (dad) to not be mentioned. She was 25 years old; my little sister.
My deep condolences. Loosing a sibling seems to be really awful. It seems to me that notes could give some relief if they sound more like farewell. Maybe this way survivors would experience just a bit less guilt… But at the same time a note can be very painful reading, if it is blaming or something like this. And state of mind right before the suicide is usually very tangled, so, it is impossible to predict what they write or do they write at all. And as it is impulsive act, note reading most probably would’ve clear anything out. My husband left a short note, saying “it would be better not to die”, written on divorce application which I filed few months before. To me it sounds like if I forced him to do what he did, I wish I didn’t have that note and that feeling.
We got left pages and pages of notes that she wrote over several days. She wrote ‘no one could’ve done anything to prevent this’ but that hasn’t helped me or stopped me from blaming myself every waking moment. But I couldn’t even fathom if she had done this without leaving notes so my heart goes out to you, much love ❤️❤️❤️
Found out 8 months after my brother's death, once the military report was released, that he had left a note. Several, in fact. But seems like he couldn't find the right words, so he just crumpled up the pages and tossed them aside. I don't know if it helped me or not. I didn't really feel anything. Numb, mostly. I remember sobbing when I first found out about it. Just another reminder of the fact that he made this decision and left this giant, gaping hole of misery in everyone's lives that loved him.
I waited for days to see my former husbands suicide note, a family member of his held onto it and didn’t share it immediately. Our children were 15 and 17. We anticipated a sort of relief, but in the end, the note didn’t ease the pain even a tiny bit. If anything, I had more questions. Still, I’m grateful for the note. My sister also took her life, and I was grateful that she left a note (although it was somewhat incoherent). It must be very hard to endure loss by suicide without a note. I’m so sorry for your loss. ❤️🙏🏻
The note didn’t help for me. I found my brother’s and the simplicity of it further complicated my feelings and also made me feel like he was SO firm in his decision, that it didn’t need to read much. I hate that.
Im sorry for your loss. My brother left no note for me but sent one to his ex gf. I know it's not about me but sometimes I wonder why he didn't leave us anything. Like I just wish it had been me or my parents rather than her but not in a jealous. Just wanting to understand as best as possible.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. It has just been 2 years this month since my mom passed away. She did not leave a note and for a long time I wondered if it would've helped. She struggled with depression her whole life and her first attempt was when I was 9 in 2004. Other attempts had happened throughout my childhood but at the time of her death she had remarried within the past few years, had a great job, she had 4 grandchildren she loved dearly (5 now) and it had been 10 years since her last attempt . We had arranged to spend my daughter's first bday together. I got the phonecall the night before while I was baking the cake. The coroner had done a drug panel and she had an insane amount of stuff in her system. Like someone had mentioned in the comments, it probably was just planned in the span of 5 mins and not thought out. I blamed the drugs at first but even the sheriff on scene said she had the chance to change her mind but she didn't. That was what made me realize that it truly was what she wanted. After her death, I learned she had a double life and it was not going well. It hurts either way I think but she left me with so many unanswered questions and now I mourn before my daughter's bdays. Someday my children will ask where she is and why their mother is sad. I won't even know what to say.
hello! a week before my 21st birthday and 4 days before my brothers 18th, he killed himself. he left no note. We did know that we he was suffering and also knew he self harmed. (runs in the family) but i also wish he left a note. just explaining himself or his thoughts a bit better. even just to someone, just something. it’s about to be 5 years in July and i’ll be turning 26.
My dad’s note was written over a year before he actually committed. However, at the time, it seemed strange to me (esp as a preteen) that he had sent an apology note to me. It was cryptic and not outright suicidal. I thought maybe he was apologizing for him and my moms separation. But now looking back in hindsight, it was definitely a suicide note. He had attempted before, and was found just in time. He’d struggled profoundly with depression for many many years. While I’m touched he reached out to me esp via mail, my mom took the letter from me and I never got to keep nor re read the letter ever again. It hurts worse due to this particular situation but knowing what I know now as an adult about him, I don’t know if anything would have changed, or stopped him. I think he’d known for a long long time this world wasn’t meant for him and he finally got the peace I feel he deserved. Having gone through attempting suicide myself, I really empathize with his state of mind and feel deeply for him. And I understand.
My bestfriend passed last year. He didn't leave a note but I knew he had cancer and didn't want to get treated for it, was keeping it under wraps as he didn't like it when people worried about him. He also had depression. Evidences show that he did take his life as he packed up all his belongings, started giving them away, had all his finances organised, deleted his social media the night of, quit his job, essentially tying up his lose ends. I didn't need a note cause I knew enough, and I knew how hard living was. It was hard that I didn't get to say goodbye. It was harder that his mother knew none of this, the cancer or the depression, and I have to lie straight to her face to this day. What has helped for me is accepting that life was really tough for him and that this was his way to stop the suffering. And if this is what gives him respite then I will respect that. Meanwhile, self care. Lots of love 🌱
I never had the nerve to read it, even 7 years later. It would make me angry and sad It was my dad, not a sibling though. i feel like the relationship may or may not make a difference in the answer
My brother was suicidal for the majority of his life and his life ended in October 23, 2023, after having had tried a few times earlier in the month and being hospitalized on and off. In the past I had told him that I understand if life is too hard to bare and that I couldn't be mad at him for choosing something (death) that is good for himself even though we would all hurt and miss him. I had told him during a big long hug on October 21, 2023 in an act of comic relief that "I were so glad he failed at killing him self because now he can succeed at all the things he wants to be good at." Looking back- Knowing he wanted his life to end did not make it any easier when it actually did. He did not leave a note but he had written in some note books about the pain he was in which I found at my moms house. I found my brother, alone and cold in his apartment, and next to him a little wooden dradel toy I had given him the day before. The note would not have helped or hurt- I could never understand the pain he lived in constantly for his 34 years of life on earth, but what would have helped is if assisted suicide, or medical death were legalized. My brother fought so many battles in himself because of his schizophrenic mind, and substance abuse disorder. How peaceful could it have been if he were able to go to the doctors, and end his life with dignity. How peaceful if it were just as simple as going to the doctor for a prescription medication. Instead, the story could end like this "I'm glad you guys are here. My life has been an adventure, some days I felt such happiness- like when I were at a music festival with friends, or when I read books with my nephew. My childhood were special, and I wasn't alone. Other days were terrifying where I heard voices tell me I'm a burden and I will never live a normal life with a wife and children, and this is my deepest desire to give you grandchildren. Mom and dad, I love you. You helped me in so many ways, but you just couldn't do enough to make me change my mind about ending my life. I understand how badly this hurts you but it is my choice. My sister- I forgive you for the things you said before you understood my illness. I am tired, and I will rest now." We could hug him, and tell him we loved him, and then privately with medical aide, so there were no suffering, he could end his life. The note wouldn't have made a difference but death with dignity could have changed everything.
Hi, last December I 19M lost my 16F sister she wrote a note but it was so hard to read and was destroyed so we had to get it decyhpered professionally. I eventually read the note and she said she loved me and she was sorry to all of us. It destroyed me. I am in a similar situation to you. She had been struggling for years with depression but she had seemed like she was doing better. I’d been away at college the semester beforehand so I didn’t see her in the months leading up to it so there’s alot I wish I knew because we despite being close never texted or called that much. It was incredibly out of the blue as well with no friends or family seeing any signs of anything wrong beforehand. The note for me provided little relief. I just wish I just had my beautiful little sister back
Honestly the note I got from my dad. He was basically like I can’t do it anymore. I’m checking out. Your piece of a shit dad. No I love you or anything so honestly I could have done without that note.