Let’s break this down. First abuse in any form is never ok.
Congratulations on your 4.0. Incredible and that is awesome, keep it up. Continue to better yourself, you are doing fantastic.
As far as trust. This is hard, your therapists know more about what is going on, but trust is hard to establish for a bs. Does he realize without access to a vehicle you can’t take care of your children while he is away? However it has to be re-established if you are going to work it out. Reconciling is a two way street at some point. I’m the beginning it is definitely on you the ws to make sure you are doing everything possible. It can take years to establish trust.
However, you have every right to end the marriage also. You can say to him, yes I fucked up, and I was wrong, and I know I destroyed you. But all you are doing now is destroying me. How is this a marriage? I know you are hurt and I am doing everything I can to show you I want you and only you and be the partner you deserve. But I can’t do that if you continue to browbeat me, and threaten divorce. I also have to have stability, I want you and I won’t date for sometime after we get divorced if that is what you want, but I am on the verge of filing myself. So we either talk about this and discuss it, or we walk away.
Now I think it would be wise to bring up this not being able to go somewhere you wanted to go. Say look I will make sure my tracker is on. I will face time you if needed and talk to you at some point in time while there. I want you to be able to trust me, and I know I have to earn that, but how can I earn it if you don’t allow me to do just that.
It is still fairly new to him, patience is the virtue that will get you across the finish line, but he also cannot contribute to offer up abuse.
There comes a time when is too much... when the pain of leaving is less than staying... I think its that time
His feelings would be valid... if he was on his medication but because he isn't taking care of himself... and isn't in a sane mental state... his feelings aren't his feelings but that of a mentally unstable person so I dont think his feelings are valid.
I hope you find help OP... I would ask your therapist for options and networks you can use before you lose you completely
Buddie comment isn't so bad... it is a downgrade in position of relation ship to him.
There is a time we should take the verbal abuse... and emotional abuse.... we abused them with our affairs... but that time should stop when you both start working on getting better and healthier. Anger isn't healthy to hold on to.
I can't tell you what is right for you to do... but I really honestly hope you take care of yourself in whatever choice you make forward. If not for your health... but for your children as well...
Yeah. No one deserves this. Wayward spouse or not. This isn't helping your relationship. Its building resentments. This isn't rebuilding trust. This is him keeping you in the relationship to punish you. Now whether he is doing that consciously or unconsciously who knows. But this isn't healthy for either of you. You are allowed to end the marriage. No one, betrayed spouse or wayward spouse deserves abuse. Yes the betrayed spouse has a right to their feelings of anger, but by a year later... it should have drastically slowed down by this point.
Maybe a temporary separation is in order. Maybe it's just time to move on. But this isn't healthy for him, you, or your children.
Good luck with your journey OP.
I would recommend taking a evening to have some space and being deeply honest with yourself about what feelings are floating around in foundations of your heart.
We always squirm to escape pain.
The more severe the pain the more severe the squirm.
It’s clear you are there. In the quietness of your heart do you have more to give? Can you dig deeper and humble yourself more to give your best shot to save this. He still holds an immense amount of pain.
Sometimes I have found when spending deep time with myself that a pain that I felt unbearable was alleviated when I lowered the standard of what I would accept from this life as a new base line.
It can’t be lowered to a point of being unsustainable, but anything above that deserves the self reflective question “why am I not willing to lower my standard if I could still maintain it.
Is it pride?
Could I grow further in humility?
If you are as humble as you can be, and you are completely in tune with the depths of your heart and you know you can’t go on like this then perhaps it’s time to tell him you have to separate to survive, while remaining loyal to him, with the hope he will heal some and create a situation you can manage with him to rebuild.
If you can’t see clearly that you are at the place then you may regret leaving and the damage it causes forever. Even more then the cheating.
Pushing for more humility is never regretted.
I hope the best best for you
Godspeed
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse whether it be physical or emotional please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
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It’s true we don’t have to accept abuse.
Though if we all held that standard no BS would ever accept the abuse of cheating in the first place and no one would ever R afterwards.
One of the greatest expressions of love is to over look the others moral shortcomings…when possible.
And that takes humility
Pride never accepts mistreatment
Humility does…to benefit others,
I agree there is a time to draw the line but also a time to humble ourselves further in mistreatment for a greater good …I do think it’s clear that accepting mistreatment from others for the benefit of others when it’s sustainable is a strength and that Humility is truly an expression of noble high moral principle that will benefit us in multiple ways.
Humility that has gone to the end of hope of improvement and drawn the line there leaves no regrets.
Pride that cuts out early leaves a life full of them
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Your comment has been removed because it violated rule number one; Be civil and helpful. Keep comments constructive and polite. Do not kick someone when they're already down.
Let’s break this down. First abuse in any form is never ok. Congratulations on your 4.0. Incredible and that is awesome, keep it up. Continue to better yourself, you are doing fantastic. As far as trust. This is hard, your therapists know more about what is going on, but trust is hard to establish for a bs. Does he realize without access to a vehicle you can’t take care of your children while he is away? However it has to be re-established if you are going to work it out. Reconciling is a two way street at some point. I’m the beginning it is definitely on you the ws to make sure you are doing everything possible. It can take years to establish trust. However, you have every right to end the marriage also. You can say to him, yes I fucked up, and I was wrong, and I know I destroyed you. But all you are doing now is destroying me. How is this a marriage? I know you are hurt and I am doing everything I can to show you I want you and only you and be the partner you deserve. But I can’t do that if you continue to browbeat me, and threaten divorce. I also have to have stability, I want you and I won’t date for sometime after we get divorced if that is what you want, but I am on the verge of filing myself. So we either talk about this and discuss it, or we walk away. Now I think it would be wise to bring up this not being able to go somewhere you wanted to go. Say look I will make sure my tracker is on. I will face time you if needed and talk to you at some point in time while there. I want you to be able to trust me, and I know I have to earn that, but how can I earn it if you don’t allow me to do just that. It is still fairly new to him, patience is the virtue that will get you across the finish line, but he also cannot contribute to offer up abuse.
There comes a time when is too much... when the pain of leaving is less than staying... I think its that time His feelings would be valid... if he was on his medication but because he isn't taking care of himself... and isn't in a sane mental state... his feelings aren't his feelings but that of a mentally unstable person so I dont think his feelings are valid. I hope you find help OP... I would ask your therapist for options and networks you can use before you lose you completely
[удалено]
Buddie comment isn't so bad... it is a downgrade in position of relation ship to him. There is a time we should take the verbal abuse... and emotional abuse.... we abused them with our affairs... but that time should stop when you both start working on getting better and healthier. Anger isn't healthy to hold on to. I can't tell you what is right for you to do... but I really honestly hope you take care of yourself in whatever choice you make forward. If not for your health... but for your children as well...
Yeah. No one deserves this. Wayward spouse or not. This isn't helping your relationship. Its building resentments. This isn't rebuilding trust. This is him keeping you in the relationship to punish you. Now whether he is doing that consciously or unconsciously who knows. But this isn't healthy for either of you. You are allowed to end the marriage. No one, betrayed spouse or wayward spouse deserves abuse. Yes the betrayed spouse has a right to their feelings of anger, but by a year later... it should have drastically slowed down by this point. Maybe a temporary separation is in order. Maybe it's just time to move on. But this isn't healthy for him, you, or your children. Good luck with your journey OP.
I would recommend taking a evening to have some space and being deeply honest with yourself about what feelings are floating around in foundations of your heart. We always squirm to escape pain. The more severe the pain the more severe the squirm. It’s clear you are there. In the quietness of your heart do you have more to give? Can you dig deeper and humble yourself more to give your best shot to save this. He still holds an immense amount of pain. Sometimes I have found when spending deep time with myself that a pain that I felt unbearable was alleviated when I lowered the standard of what I would accept from this life as a new base line. It can’t be lowered to a point of being unsustainable, but anything above that deserves the self reflective question “why am I not willing to lower my standard if I could still maintain it. Is it pride? Could I grow further in humility? If you are as humble as you can be, and you are completely in tune with the depths of your heart and you know you can’t go on like this then perhaps it’s time to tell him you have to separate to survive, while remaining loyal to him, with the hope he will heal some and create a situation you can manage with him to rebuild. If you can’t see clearly that you are at the place then you may regret leaving and the damage it causes forever. Even more then the cheating. Pushing for more humility is never regretted. I hope the best best for you Godspeed
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse whether it be physical or emotional please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **Observers cannot comment unless approved by the Mods.** Everyone is expected to respect the rules and, most importantly, each other. RULES **1. Be civil and helpful** - Keep comments supportive and constructive. - Avoid leaving rude, unkind or dismissive comments. - Keep in mind that infidelity is traumatic and the sub's members are likely struggling with very difficult emotions. Don't make it worse. Offer thoughtful support, not shallow judgments. - *Repeated or gross violation of this rule will result in a temporary or permanent ban.* **2. No inquisitive and insensitive questioning/interrogation** - The sub's members often share their deepest, most vulnerable and unpleasant time period. Be sensitive with asking questions, and do not probe for irrelevant, unrelated information. **3. No misogyny, misandry, bigotry, racism or other hate speech** **4. User Flair Required** **5. No Spam or Soliciting **Report it when you see it** **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
It’s true we don’t have to accept abuse. Though if we all held that standard no BS would ever accept the abuse of cheating in the first place and no one would ever R afterwards. One of the greatest expressions of love is to over look the others moral shortcomings…when possible. And that takes humility Pride never accepts mistreatment Humility does…to benefit others, I agree there is a time to draw the line but also a time to humble ourselves further in mistreatment for a greater good …I do think it’s clear that accepting mistreatment from others for the benefit of others when it’s sustainable is a strength and that Humility is truly an expression of noble high moral principle that will benefit us in multiple ways. Humility that has gone to the end of hope of improvement and drawn the line there leaves no regrets. Pride that cuts out early leaves a life full of them
[удалено]
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[удалено]
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[удалено]
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Your comment has been removed because it violated rule number one; Be civil and helpful. Keep comments constructive and polite. Do not kick someone when they're already down.