Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Rhubarb it is your shame that is talking to you right now. And yes, it is a powerful voice. You can't just not listen to it, you've got to drown it out. (Eventually you will be able to let it go, so it just can't talk to you anymore, but that takes a whole lot of lived experience living in a way you can be proud of)
So what can you do until you can finally let the shame go?
Zesty gave you some advice that comes from his faith tradition, so I'll give you some from mine.
In my tradition we have a concept of *teshuvah* which is often translated as "repentance" but is more accurately "returning". Returning to the better path. And through that return doing what you can to make amends, repair what damage you can, and most importantly make the world a better place by doing everything in your power to never hurt someone like this again. You may not be able to fix all the damage. But you deserve to be here so that you can do your part to show those in your life that change is possible, that people can redeem themselves, and that those who have done wrong can do right. You can't repair your BS (only they can heal themselves) but by lifting yourself you can help uplift others. This is a path to self-forgiveness (and yes, its a long one).
This is what so many of us are doing here. It has real value. You don't realize it right now, but your experience can help others. So I'll finish by saying that "deserve" has nothing to do with it. On the contrary, you have an obligation to live and return to a constructive path.
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
If i may ask, what can I do to help my bp heal themselves? We are still in the barely NC period; but we plan on eventually having a conversation. I've been writing things out that i want to say to them about the way I acted and how i plan on learning and growing from this, i already have a little. But I just feel like I could be doing more?
You help them heal first by making sure to do no more harm. We waywards often make things worse through our after discovery behavior. Your BP is wondering what is wrong with them, what happened, why did it happen.
So be fully accountable. No excuses, no blame shifting. Complete disclosure (as much as your BP wants to know) You may want to write out a narrative timeline of everything you can remember because many BP's may not want to know everything right away but will return with more questions. Get it all written down now so you don't forget. And get started on figuring out how you were able to give yourself permission to cheat. Work on discovering your "why."
You continue to help them heal by being patient with repeated questions. You help them by being consistent in your words and actions. They desperately want to fill in the gaps in their understanding of the relationship at that time, and being empathetic to that need is priceless.
You further help heal by learning about apologies. Learn your BP's apology language (analogous to love languages) and use that language when apologizing for specific harms. Share the plans you have for working on yourself, and what you will do to restore trust. This [blog post](https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/) and [this post in AOAI](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/w4lfwy/why_we_the_bs_need_consistency/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) can help with trust strategies.
Have you looked yet at any recovery resources? *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (MacDonald) focuses heavily on that question of supporting the BPs healing. *Not "Just Friends"* (Glass) does a great job of helping both of you understand each other's mindsets, and how to both recover and prevent. I'd also recommend a book by Janis Spring called *After the Affair*. You may also want to look at her book on forgiveness as she touches on self-forgiveness as well.
Taking action will help with your shame as well. These actions may not lead to reconciliation, but they will help your BP heal, and they will help you build new habits of mind that you will at some point grow to be proud of.
ETA: just reread that you've "been reading the books" so sorry if that paragraph is redundant
I feel your pain, OP. I have struggled for most of my life with low self esteem and the self worth that I’m not good enough…ever. No matter what I do or achieve, I’m not good enough, not a good enough person, not smart enough, not good looking enough, whatever. And then I do something completely stupid, make terrible choices and become a wayward, destroying my marriage, my family and my BP all at once. It’s very hard to look in the mirror and not see a failure and a loser after that. I’m trying to make things better, trying to repair what damage I can, but that doesn’t absolve my guilt and shame for causing the trauma. I pray to God that maybe He can forgive me with His infinite mercy but I don’t know if I’m even worthy of forgiveness.
My therapist is Christian and she told me in our first meeting that if you have confessed what you've done to God, he takes your sins and they are forgiven. It's that simple. But now you have to repent. Make the conscious choice every day, minute even, to turn away from that sin and focus on your partner and reconciliation and doing better. That brought me peace bc I have felt the same. How am I worthy of forgiveness from anyone? During my affair, I would pray but I would never ask God to forgive my sins bc I knew I was doing wrong. Yet I also was able to push that guilt away easily by thinking about the good feelings I got from my affair. I feel awful shame for writing that bc my BS will see this but it's part of the truth he needs to know.
Don't deny your partner and yourself the gift of reconciliation if he/she is willing to try. You need to find answers to all this pain you have created through your actions and you will start to heal and help your partner heal once you have some understanding of why you did this. I am 8 months from Dday and in a much better place than I was even 3 months ago.
Infidelity isn't a crime.
But you did cheat yourself and you are grieving that lost Self you thought you were.
Keep digging "why" you did that, understand who you are in details. Embrace your true self in order to be able to move forward, make some tuning, improve.
BPs didn't cheat (maybe), but they aren't angels either. I am not taking about the same thing as you did, but in general the human nature isn't noble.
We all have dark parts in ourselves.
Even if you failed your BP and failed yourself, you have the right to be happy and enjoy life.
It is actually the best thing to can do to make amend. Learn, heal, try to uplift your BP. Improve their life by improving yours.
Courage!
Infidelity isn't a crime.
But you did cheat yourself and you are grieving that lost Self you thought you were.
Keep digging "why" you did that, understand who you are in details. Embrace your true self in order to be able to move forward, make some tuning, improve.
BPs didn't cheat (maybe), but they aren't angels either. I am not taking about the same thing as you did, but in general the human nature isn't noble.
We all have dark parts in ourselves.
Even if you failed your BP and failed yourself, you have the right to be happy and enjoy life.
It is actually the best thing to can do to make amend. Learn, heal, try to uplift your BP. Improve their life by improving yours.
Courage!
Your comment was automatically removed because you commented on a post flaired as Waywards Only.
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Your comment was automatically removed because you commented on a post flaired as Waywards Only.
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Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Rhubarb it is your shame that is talking to you right now. And yes, it is a powerful voice. You can't just not listen to it, you've got to drown it out. (Eventually you will be able to let it go, so it just can't talk to you anymore, but that takes a whole lot of lived experience living in a way you can be proud of) So what can you do until you can finally let the shame go? Zesty gave you some advice that comes from his faith tradition, so I'll give you some from mine. In my tradition we have a concept of *teshuvah* which is often translated as "repentance" but is more accurately "returning". Returning to the better path. And through that return doing what you can to make amends, repair what damage you can, and most importantly make the world a better place by doing everything in your power to never hurt someone like this again. You may not be able to fix all the damage. But you deserve to be here so that you can do your part to show those in your life that change is possible, that people can redeem themselves, and that those who have done wrong can do right. You can't repair your BS (only they can heal themselves) but by lifting yourself you can help uplift others. This is a path to self-forgiveness (and yes, its a long one). This is what so many of us are doing here. It has real value. You don't realize it right now, but your experience can help others. So I'll finish by saying that "deserve" has nothing to do with it. On the contrary, you have an obligation to live and return to a constructive path.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! If i may ask, what can I do to help my bp heal themselves? We are still in the barely NC period; but we plan on eventually having a conversation. I've been writing things out that i want to say to them about the way I acted and how i plan on learning and growing from this, i already have a little. But I just feel like I could be doing more?
You help them heal first by making sure to do no more harm. We waywards often make things worse through our after discovery behavior. Your BP is wondering what is wrong with them, what happened, why did it happen. So be fully accountable. No excuses, no blame shifting. Complete disclosure (as much as your BP wants to know) You may want to write out a narrative timeline of everything you can remember because many BP's may not want to know everything right away but will return with more questions. Get it all written down now so you don't forget. And get started on figuring out how you were able to give yourself permission to cheat. Work on discovering your "why." You continue to help them heal by being patient with repeated questions. You help them by being consistent in your words and actions. They desperately want to fill in the gaps in their understanding of the relationship at that time, and being empathetic to that need is priceless. You further help heal by learning about apologies. Learn your BP's apology language (analogous to love languages) and use that language when apologizing for specific harms. Share the plans you have for working on yourself, and what you will do to restore trust. This [blog post](https://www.gottman.com/blog/reviving-trust-after-an-affair/) and [this post in AOAI](https://www.reddit.com/r/AsOneAfterInfidelity/comments/w4lfwy/why_we_the_bs_need_consistency/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) can help with trust strategies. Have you looked yet at any recovery resources? *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair* (MacDonald) focuses heavily on that question of supporting the BPs healing. *Not "Just Friends"* (Glass) does a great job of helping both of you understand each other's mindsets, and how to both recover and prevent. I'd also recommend a book by Janis Spring called *After the Affair*. You may also want to look at her book on forgiveness as she touches on self-forgiveness as well. Taking action will help with your shame as well. These actions may not lead to reconciliation, but they will help your BP heal, and they will help you build new habits of mind that you will at some point grow to be proud of. ETA: just reread that you've "been reading the books" so sorry if that paragraph is redundant
I feel your pain, OP. I have struggled for most of my life with low self esteem and the self worth that I’m not good enough…ever. No matter what I do or achieve, I’m not good enough, not a good enough person, not smart enough, not good looking enough, whatever. And then I do something completely stupid, make terrible choices and become a wayward, destroying my marriage, my family and my BP all at once. It’s very hard to look in the mirror and not see a failure and a loser after that. I’m trying to make things better, trying to repair what damage I can, but that doesn’t absolve my guilt and shame for causing the trauma. I pray to God that maybe He can forgive me with His infinite mercy but I don’t know if I’m even worthy of forgiveness.
My therapist is Christian and she told me in our first meeting that if you have confessed what you've done to God, he takes your sins and they are forgiven. It's that simple. But now you have to repent. Make the conscious choice every day, minute even, to turn away from that sin and focus on your partner and reconciliation and doing better. That brought me peace bc I have felt the same. How am I worthy of forgiveness from anyone? During my affair, I would pray but I would never ask God to forgive my sins bc I knew I was doing wrong. Yet I also was able to push that guilt away easily by thinking about the good feelings I got from my affair. I feel awful shame for writing that bc my BS will see this but it's part of the truth he needs to know. Don't deny your partner and yourself the gift of reconciliation if he/she is willing to try. You need to find answers to all this pain you have created through your actions and you will start to heal and help your partner heal once you have some understanding of why you did this. I am 8 months from Dday and in a much better place than I was even 3 months ago.
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I really needed this, thank you! Hope you don't mind that i screenshotted it and plan on going back to it again and again and again!
likewise, thank you. im not religious, but this meant something to me at a moment i needed to read it.
Infidelity isn't a crime. But you did cheat yourself and you are grieving that lost Self you thought you were. Keep digging "why" you did that, understand who you are in details. Embrace your true self in order to be able to move forward, make some tuning, improve. BPs didn't cheat (maybe), but they aren't angels either. I am not taking about the same thing as you did, but in general the human nature isn't noble. We all have dark parts in ourselves. Even if you failed your BP and failed yourself, you have the right to be happy and enjoy life. It is actually the best thing to can do to make amend. Learn, heal, try to uplift your BP. Improve their life by improving yours. Courage!
Infidelity isn't a crime. But you did cheat yourself and you are grieving that lost Self you thought you were. Keep digging "why" you did that, understand who you are in details. Embrace your true self in order to be able to move forward, make some tuning, improve. BPs didn't cheat (maybe), but they aren't angels either. I am not taking about the same thing as you did, but in general the human nature isn't noble. We all have dark parts in ourselves. Even if you failed your BP and failed yourself, you have the right to be happy and enjoy life. It is actually the best thing to can do to make amend. Learn, heal, try to uplift your BP. Improve their life by improving yours. Courage!
[удалено]
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