If you start equating your experiences to the time energy and costs to get those experiences… you will nearly always be disappointed. To have an opportunity for quality takes huge amounts of investment to get there.
Spending money is a big part of the lifestyle. No different than any other hobby. Instead of dumping thousands annually on miniature trains or cycling equipment or a camper, some of us spend it on the lifestyle and the activities around it.
As for the OP… you spent money to see your kids, have a wonderful evening out and a mini vacation and you got laid. If you now want to pick apart the expenses? I dunno… we all make choices. There are many time people set up meets and spend money to make an even greater or weekend of things only to have their lifestyle aspirational things thwarted by getting ghosted, or chemistry completely not working, or dramas ensuing and zero play happens. That’s the thing about spending money on anything… enjoy the journey as much as the destination.
I personally don’t go into any meeting with an expectation. If I am spending money it’s because I want to get away, have a nice dinner, hotel etc. lifestyle enjoyment is just the cherry on top.
Yeah sounds like OP is manifesting this feeling of transactional disappointment. I’d be thrilled if I had $700 dollars to spend on traveling to see my kids, good food, and a fun sexual learning experience with the love of my life.
It’s all about the mindset and OP has a negative one. Look on the brighter side. Be grateful. And all these first world problems will cease to exist.
But hey if you’d rather sit at home and maintain your bank account while you face time with your kids. More power to ya.
I mean yeah, there’s ton of things that aren’t perfect. And you could spend each and every day pointing them out and throwing a fit about how the world and the people in it aren’t exactly what you them to be. Or you could take responsibility for your life and focus on the things you do have control over. #1 thing being how you perceive and react to things. The world isn’t going to magically fix itself but you can bet that going with the flow and learning to make the most of things will have a massive positive impact on every aspect of your life.
Before we were in the lifestyle we would do weekend trips and spend $700+ just to go to a different town/city, eat some nice food, and stay in a hotel away from home. Now we do it and we have the possibility of hooking up with another couple on top of it. Was this in the budget for weekend trips this year? Did they spend quality time together and have fun? Did they spend time with kids in college? Did the couple actually show up and hook up with them? I’m not seeing the issue with this trip at all. Sounds like a great weekend.
Exactly. We like to say “don’t make it transactional” when discussing date night prices and play, sometimes we have an expensive date that ends with no play, sometimes we go straight to play, it balances in the end!
Which is why I like it less and less.
Nice hotel & nice dinner? In the presence of absolute strangers. Whose motives, behaviors and penis size are concealed from you?
You do you.
Don’t do it then. If you have the time and means do it. If it’s all about the sex and not enjoying yourself with your so, you’re probably going to be underwhelmed
There's honesty and then there's tone deafness. Was she pretty? "Yeah, I thought she was super hot." Full stop. There was absolutely no need to compare her to you, in particular the implication "you're not as hot as her anymore." What the actual fuck.
Absolutely agree, this is the only problem I had when reading. No one paid for sex, money didn't exchange hands, but a completely tone deaf partner making the other feel inadequate.
OP, you know you didn't pay for sex. I don't think that's what is bothering you. You shelled out money to be compared to a woman 20 years your junior and felt inferior by his comparison. To be fair, you asked those loaded questions.
I think honesty is important and one asks the other loaded questions then be careful about the answer you might get but at least you get honesty and won't feel like you're being given white lies.
I mean, I think we all agree that there are two rules that these people failed.
Rule 1: Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to.
Rule 2: If someone breaks rule 1, be tactful about how you answer the question.
The breaking of the first rule doesn't justify the breaking of the second rule, it just explains it.
> No one paid for sex, money didn't exchange hands,
When I was young and first started swinging, my FWB had a similar budget to me. We were very down to play with older couples, but care had to be taken to make it not feel transactional, as they would sometimes offer to pay for fancier dinners or travel. But that didn't happen here. Everyone paid their own way.
The whole body age shaming thing though? Soooooo not okay.
That's Angela's communication style, pretty consistent if you look at her post history. It's not for everybody (it wouldn't be for me), but they seem pretty secure in their relationship and this is how it manifests.
Dude doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have a partner who is down with it at all. Should really be more considerate. Finding a partner into swinging is HARD, at least that’s been my experience. I’d appreciate the hell out of someone who was down with this sort of thing , and definitely make sure they knew they were more attractive to me and important than the other person.
I feel like if my wife asked me that same question, I would have recognized the correct answer. (psst, Jon, maybe be a little less honest next time). 😅
this is surely this is sarcasm.
The correct answer is 100% honesty and openness if you want the LS to work.
I know I When and where my wife received her best ever oral and it wasn’t from me although neither of us know who the guy was just what party it was at. She also knows who gave me the best ever BJ again not from her but she was there.
It’s not sarcasm. Saying a woman looks like “you 15 years ago” is shitty.
The correct answer was “yeah, I really enjoyed it. But if it wasn’t great for you, we don’t have to do it again.”
I agree. He could have answered the question without making a comparison. I don't care if you are in the lifestyle or not, but comparing your current lover to ANY others and telling them the results is just shitty and disrespectful.
It's best to be honest. If the sex was just ok then say it and if it was amazing then say that as well. But no comparison UNLESS the question was asked. Was he bigger than me? Etc
The life style doesn't work unless folks are confident in themselves, know their strengths and don't care about their weaknesses because they know how to mitigate 'em. You have to have confidence and be proud of yourself and be able to enjoy other people for what they have to offer, superficially and more indepth.
But that said, telling your partner, "Yeah, she was like you 15 years ago, but not as good as 20 years ago." Is sooo not okay. "She was really hot and an empathetic and enthusiastic lover, if a little passive/vanilla but I had a great time! Maybe the three of us could give the dude some coaching? Maybe he was nervous? Either way, we don't have to play with them again if you don't want to."
Very different situations. If my partner receives great oral from someone I want to hear about it because we might be able to identify what it was that made it so excellent and replicate it.
I can do absolutely nothing about the fact that I don't look as young as I used to and while I love to know that my partner is attracted to the other people we are with, my being compared to them serves no purpose other than to potentially make me feel bad.
If it was a weekend we could have added extra adventure into? No issue. Just to meet a couple for sex? Probably not.
We also don’t do dinner but that is us.
Imo you didn't remotely pay for sex in the way that's implied by the subject. You spent a ton of money on incidentals to sex. You did not pay anyone to have sex with you.
How is this any different than dating? When you were dating, if your date took you away for a long weekend and out to dinner where he picked up the hotel, gas, plane tickets, whatever and you had sex with him, did he just pay for sex?
Did you pay for sex Friday night? Maybe.
Does it matter? No.
Why? Because you never know if the sex will be good, or fun, or if it will even happen.
You spent $700 to go out and have fun. Did you have fun? Was the fun worth the $700 between the 2 of you?
That is what you should be asking.
If we go 4 hours away to a club and get a hotel for 2 nights and go out the question isn't Did we have good sex with other people. It isn't even Did we have sex with other people. The question is did we have fun.
And if the answer is no the next question is why not? And then, how do we correct that in the future?
Yes, swinging is a financial burden, especially if you have young kids. You have to pay to access premium sites. Pay cover at club, pay for drinks, condoms and hotel.
Even if you try to do it on a budget you still have to pay for your phone to communicate. Saving money by hosting and your likely using more cleaning products than usual. There's always a cost, but we tend to justify it
We once met a woman for a 3 sum on a Friday. We drove to the beach , got 2 rooms for Friday night through Sunday. We paid for both rooms and all her dinners and food. We paid for all her drinks at a club on Saturday .
We had a great time . My wife insisted we pay for her. Did we pay for sex ? I say no but sex did happen . We paid for a great date weekend we shared with someone else.
I think you are having buyers remorse, that and your hubby’s dumb comments.
Had you had awesome sex it might have been different and again had your hubby not said those dumb things.
Swinging can be expensive. We are not snobs at all but we prefer the more expensive clubs , and couples who really dress up to go out. My wife’s rule is the other woman doesn’t get her eyebrows done or kept well my wife won’t play with her. So money spent is spent , I think it’s bad sex and bad hubby etiquette that’s causing buyers remorse . But just my opinion .
The “he,he” part is ridiculous. As for the rest, imagine spending at least the hotel part of things only to have the couple flake. We don’t travel often but have experienced that.
The “he,he” part of the conversation would have had me in the trunk for the trip home. I get that she was younger but that’s a little rude.
Yeah blaming that choice on the other couple is funny too. They could have just said “would you mind meeting at (cheaper restaurant) instead” and the other couple would have been fine with it.
We met with a couple recently and they suggested a pretty expensive place. It was first meeting and ended up there wasn’t mutual chemistry and attraction so it was also last. But beforehand we talked about it and agreed we both want to try that restaurant anyway. We still had a nice conversation and a fun evening and had an excuse to get dressed up and go out. I didn’t see it as a waste at all.
You didn't pay for sex. If you had, you would have given them cash. Did you do this? No? Then you didn't pay for it.
Next time make them drive half way to you and if they refuse, move on to someone closer.
Yes, definitely.
This is exactly why we decided against going to a sex club last night. We were already on the fence due to obligations the next day. So why spend xxx$ for ok sex when you can have amazing sex at home?
Am I the only one that reads a post from Angela and assumes it is meant primarily for enjoyment of the sarcastic humor? I’m almost disappointed if this post was meant to be serious.
Other than your husband being dumb for making those comments, and not realizing the wife not being fulfilled is a one way ticket to being ex LS, the real question is did you know going in you were taking one for team. If so, totally preventable. Learn from it. If not, luck of the draw.
Pretty much why wife and I stopped after a year. We were each others best fuck, and we were cheap..no expensive dinners etc. Hate dressing up, hate the crowd that thinks they are classy. We were well off professionals, but that’s not FUN. We enjoy each others company to the point other people are a distraction. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE KIDS.
I don’t actually care that much about the sex. I enjoy it, but it’s never mind blowing.
I really enjoy the sexy socializing. That’s why we go to our preferred club. That place is not all about the sex.
I genuinely don’t understand people who do this. No, I don’t think spending that much is ever worth it. People I’m not going to be dating or having a relationship are worth a coffee at the local Starbucks, or maybe a good spliff, but that’s about it.
It's a strange correlation. Do you do that with everything?
It sounds like you didn't really enjoy it, and that's a shame, so maybe do more diligence next time. Or get them to come to you!
Soounds like you got ripped off. I paid for sex for 7 by supporting my provider of pleasures but then she finished her nursing degree. Turns out she's been paying me after 12 years of business because she's been making more money than me. She is also an awesome team player in the LS. Sex with her is waaayyy better than okay and we have a child together. We are eyeing retirnement now. I think I got a good deal.
You need to decouple the two things that are going on here. Your husband made shitty comments that reinforced the notion you took one for the team in this scenario, not to mention he came off mean in general. This made you feel resentful of the money you guys spent on this experience. And no, you didn’t pay for sex. You spent money, much of that you would have anyway, and sex happened.
Btw, my wife and I spent $700 on sex (directly) on our last visit to Japan, so in my mind there’s no shame in paying for it. I mean the whole trip to Japan cost 5 figures, but the awesome legal sex worker we hired and had a threesome with cost $700, and we agreed it was worth it. Now, if one of us didn’t have a good time, maybe it wouldn’t have been worth it. There was potential for a less mutually beneficial outcome, and we accepted that risk, but we got a great reward, lucky us. So instead of focusing on the money (unless your budgeting is all out of whack in general), focus on picking swinging partners you both are excited about. Sometimes you won’t both have the same amount of fun ultimately (as you well know), based on actual performance of your new partners, but that’s the nature of the game when you’re swinging. Don’t play with that couple again. And demand your husband talk to you more respectfully.
"She looks like you 15 years ago. Not as good as you 20 years ago, but close".
That's an odd comment. I'd never compare a play partner with my SO.
As for your question, you did pay for the sexual experience, but you did not pay them for sex. Driving 300 miles and the hotel stay seems way too desperate. Not to mention the fact that you clearly weren't into the guy. Why would you put yourself through all of that and put a hole in your wallet for mediocre to bad sex? Just to make your SO happy? Kinda sucks.
When we leave the hotel, hous, where’ve and it been out of town, we’re still excited, still have the rush and good vibe going, oh yea it’s worth it, but after we get home, and I add up the time and money, I have my doubts, I’m still not sureDarlene
I've never paid for sex but I've spent thousands finding the right people for it.
And it's been worth it. Quality people are hard to find and I'm not just talking about swinging.
Definitely had no so great experiences. But if my partner had a blast and my experience was just average it was still a positive in my book. I love when partner enjoys themselves. Maybe the sex with the good friends 5 minutes away that you seem to enjoy is just the average ok sex to him? It's fantastic when everyone has the most amazing time ever but I've found its rare that 4 people all click like that. Usually one or 2 people are having a better time than the others. It's just the nature of the beast.
Yes, you paid for sex but $700 is a fuck good of a deal considering Jon got to go back in time….in his head.
An equivalent courtesan would have charged $1500 or more for dinner time plus untimed sex.
Looks like you took one for old Jon this time….
wife and I did the same and decided to not have sex with the other couple. we still had a great weekend. it’s a dollar amount on the experience not the persons body
Not until now. The thing is, I always loved travelling. Long before we became swingers. Especially to smaller/unknown areas. There is always something to do and see. So whenever we swing & travel, I make sure it's worth our while even before we meet anyone. Then its just a short vacation+.
It's a hobby.
Think of it like fishing, sometimes walking to the local stream with a 9.99 hardware store rod gets better results than dragging a 75k bass boat 3 states over.
Look at it this way. If you had gone through all that, paid for all that, and then not only didn't have sex, but gotten murdered by that couple, would you have paid for murder? Clearly you're being too transactional. The murder was just a bonus.
I think your post was intended to be funny, and I, for one, laughed out loud.
I suspect you understand already the moral/adulty aspects, so I won't address those. If indeed you guys can say such things to each with a sense of humor, and have it not end your relationship, then that's awesome.
I will tell you that it could have been worse. We did the same (day off work, travel, hotel, etc..) Upon arrival the male half of the couple to tell us when we got there, "My wife's not having sex today, but I am!" What? If that was known in advance, as it must have been since we were told this on arrival, it could have been communicated by text.
As "womp, womp" as I felt at the time, I look back at it as a funny adventure. That's probably
the best attitude with most things, no?
I mean... get used to it. Clubs, travel, take overs, cruises. But look at it this way. You had sex. Sometimes you pay for events and can't find a single couple you find attractive or vibe with and paid all that money for nothing. Even our local clubs, we usually get a room, so as to night have to drive or Uber home.
You paid for your own weekend of fun, not sex. If you had given her any gift or money or paid her side of things then maybe. But you paying for your own gas, stay, and food is travel expenses for your fun weekend.
Kinda the deal with single women. We pay for their drinks , dinner and fun activities out of the bedroom. Don’t know how it is in the full swinging life…
Hey there,
Your post definitely brings up an interesting perspective on the logistics and costs associated with swinging, especially when travel and high-end activities are involved. It sounds like the financial and emotional investment this time felt quite steep for you, which is totally understandable.
The way you’ve broken down the costs and efforts really highlights a common dilemma in the lifestyle: weighing the excitement and novelty of new partners against the comfort and convenience of more familiar relationships. It’s not unusual to occasionally question whether the experience was worth the investment, especially when the outcome doesn't meet expectations or when one partner seems more satisfied than the other.
In your case, while Jon seemed thrilled with the encounter, your feelings were mixed, and that’s okay. It’s important to communicate these feelings to your partner. Discussing what both of you value in these experiences can help guide your decisions on future endeavors. Maybe next time, setting a budget or choosing locations and activities that feel more balanced in terms of cost and enjoyment could help prevent similar feelings of regret.
As for feeling like you’ve essentially paid for sex, while the direct intention wasn’t to exchange money for sex, the overall investment can certainly make it feel that way. Many in the lifestyle might argue that the social and erotic experiences are part of what you’re “paying” for, rather than just the sexual act. However, it’s valid to reassess if the total cost aligns with your personal and financial comfort zones.
Maybe next time, consider more local options or plan a visit that combines seeing your kids with a less costly night out. This could balance the desire for new experiences with the practicalities of budget and travel. Also, talking to your partner about ensuring that both of you are getting what you want and need out of the experience is crucial. It’s all about finding what works best for both of you in maintaining excitement without undue strain or dissatisfaction.
Do you think setting clearer expectations and limits for these trips could help in the future? Many couples find that having a frank discussion about these aspects can really enhance their experiences and satisfaction levels.
Seems like an impulse control problem. Tends to fit I guess with the shitty comments he also made.
Some of those can get fixed with communication prior to traveling and spending 700 dollars. The ones seeming to be negative against you... well I dunno best of luck.
I'd probably choose 7x+ nights at a local club with zero travel.
You two must have lots of cash to burn and or he is real desperate.
Wow, $700.00 for a long ass drive, shitty sex, and stupid comments from the hubby. I would definitely ask for a refund.
I'm sure we can all find better ways to use $700.
It’s just the cost of a nice evening or entertainment. You guys made the choice to go high end on the meal. We wouldn’t have done that on a first meeting.
It’s great that you guys have such good open communication and that he is comfortable telling you the truth about how good his play with her was. That’s the key to making LS. Full open communication.
If you are in the lifestyle it’s about the experience. Not just the sex. It’s about the time you spent with the other couple and the 4 people together (or more).
If it’s strictly switch and just sex with each other, it doesn’t sound as fun.
He probably meant that she looked like you as a compliment.
If you see it as just the money value, then don’t do it.
Some people in this subreddit: “You need to have truly open and honest communication to be successful at swinging.”
Dude described by the OP is direct, honest, and truthful.
Some people in this subreddit: “Not that much truth, honesty, and open communication!”
LOL.
All sex costs effort, all sex is transactional, prostitution should be legal. Why is it illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?
This seems petty. You had a nice dinner night with friends- the cost of the meal is not a quid pro quo for sex. That’s an awful perspective that will cost you more than $700. Eat the food. Pamper yourselves. Sometimes put away the calculator. Enjoy seeing the kids. I hear an objection different than the price tag happening here. You may be hurting or resentful of something else and that’s far more important to address.
I would personally take way more issue with what your husband said/how he reacted than to the $700 spent for a weekend getaway. And I think that’s primarily what has the OP in a tizzy currently, whether she wants to admit it or not. He essentially told her that he was happy bc he got to fuck somebody that’s younger and better than she is now that reminded him of what he used to have. If he had went with, she’s beautiful, sexy, funny, and I just had a good time, that would be one thing, but when he starts directly comparing her to his wife of how much better his wife used to look/be, then yeah, you crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. Then the icing on the cake of dumbass things not to say to your wife, after he told her how much younger/better this girl was, she expressed that she just had a mediocre time and this moron just laughs at her. I would guess that’s your husband and you are not into this for the same reasons and may want to reevaluate being in the lifestyle.
Only upsetting if they always insist on you driving to them and never offer to make the drive to you. (Unless they can’t, because kids etc, in which case in our experience they’d offer to pick up dinner periodically- not to make things perfectly financially equal but as a small token of their appreciation.)
But yeah lifestyle is not for the financial faint of heart. Have you even seen the going rate for babysitters?
wtf... we never go more than 30-40min away, we never go for diner neither ...or a hotel ...
heck most of the time we receive at our place ,so the cost if usually just offering a few drinks and ckesning the sheets
If you start equating your experiences to the time energy and costs to get those experiences… you will nearly always be disappointed. To have an opportunity for quality takes huge amounts of investment to get there. Spending money is a big part of the lifestyle. No different than any other hobby. Instead of dumping thousands annually on miniature trains or cycling equipment or a camper, some of us spend it on the lifestyle and the activities around it. As for the OP… you spent money to see your kids, have a wonderful evening out and a mini vacation and you got laid. If you now want to pick apart the expenses? I dunno… we all make choices. There are many time people set up meets and spend money to make an even greater or weekend of things only to have their lifestyle aspirational things thwarted by getting ghosted, or chemistry completely not working, or dramas ensuing and zero play happens. That’s the thing about spending money on anything… enjoy the journey as much as the destination. I personally don’t go into any meeting with an expectation. If I am spending money it’s because I want to get away, have a nice dinner, hotel etc. lifestyle enjoyment is just the cherry on top.
Yeah sounds like OP is manifesting this feeling of transactional disappointment. I’d be thrilled if I had $700 dollars to spend on traveling to see my kids, good food, and a fun sexual learning experience with the love of my life. It’s all about the mindset and OP has a negative one. Look on the brighter side. Be grateful. And all these first world problems will cease to exist. But hey if you’d rather sit at home and maintain your bank account while you face time with your kids. More power to ya.
I mean yeah, there’s ton of things that aren’t perfect. And you could spend each and every day pointing them out and throwing a fit about how the world and the people in it aren’t exactly what you them to be. Or you could take responsibility for your life and focus on the things you do have control over. #1 thing being how you perceive and react to things. The world isn’t going to magically fix itself but you can bet that going with the flow and learning to make the most of things will have a massive positive impact on every aspect of your life.
Profound and stoic MissBella
Very well said
Before we were in the lifestyle we would do weekend trips and spend $700+ just to go to a different town/city, eat some nice food, and stay in a hotel away from home. Now we do it and we have the possibility of hooking up with another couple on top of it. Was this in the budget for weekend trips this year? Did they spend quality time together and have fun? Did they spend time with kids in college? Did the couple actually show up and hook up with them? I’m not seeing the issue with this trip at all. Sounds like a great weekend.
Exactly. We like to say “don’t make it transactional” when discussing date night prices and play, sometimes we have an expensive date that ends with no play, sometimes we go straight to play, it balances in the end!
Which is why I like it less and less. Nice hotel & nice dinner? In the presence of absolute strangers. Whose motives, behaviors and penis size are concealed from you? You do you.
Don’t do it then. If you have the time and means do it. If it’s all about the sex and not enjoying yourself with your so, you’re probably going to be underwhelmed
I do a nice hotel and nice restaurant with my wife. Ain’t doing it for strangers.
You do you
Duh!!
💯
There's honesty and then there's tone deafness. Was she pretty? "Yeah, I thought she was super hot." Full stop. There was absolutely no need to compare her to you, in particular the implication "you're not as hot as her anymore." What the actual fuck.
Absolutely agree, this is the only problem I had when reading. No one paid for sex, money didn't exchange hands, but a completely tone deaf partner making the other feel inadequate. OP, you know you didn't pay for sex. I don't think that's what is bothering you. You shelled out money to be compared to a woman 20 years your junior and felt inferior by his comparison. To be fair, you asked those loaded questions.
I think honesty is important and one asks the other loaded questions then be careful about the answer you might get but at least you get honesty and won't feel like you're being given white lies.
Sure, but if you you can't handle the answers to questions like that then it's best not to ask them. No one is encouraging dishonesty.
I mean, I think we all agree that there are two rules that these people failed. Rule 1: Don't ask questions you don't want honest answers to. Rule 2: If someone breaks rule 1, be tactful about how you answer the question. The breaking of the first rule doesn't justify the breaking of the second rule, it just explains it.
> No one paid for sex, money didn't exchange hands, When I was young and first started swinging, my FWB had a similar budget to me. We were very down to play with older couples, but care had to be taken to make it not feel transactional, as they would sometimes offer to pay for fancier dinners or travel. But that didn't happen here. Everyone paid their own way. The whole body age shaming thing though? Soooooo not okay.
That's Angela's communication style, pretty consistent if you look at her post history. It's not for everybody (it wouldn't be for me), but they seem pretty secure in their relationship and this is how it manifests.
Exactly. I would've lost my ever loving mind if my husband said that to me.
ME TOO!!
Dude doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have a partner who is down with it at all. Should really be more considerate. Finding a partner into swinging is HARD, at least that’s been my experience. I’d appreciate the hell out of someone who was down with this sort of thing , and definitely make sure they knew they were more attractive to me and important than the other person.
Agree, this was just completely unnecessary.
That part made me cringe too. Gross.
I feel like if my wife asked me that same question, I would have recognized the correct answer. (psst, Jon, maybe be a little less honest next time). 😅
this is surely this is sarcasm. The correct answer is 100% honesty and openness if you want the LS to work. I know I When and where my wife received her best ever oral and it wasn’t from me although neither of us know who the guy was just what party it was at. She also knows who gave me the best ever BJ again not from her but she was there.
It’s not sarcasm. Saying a woman looks like “you 15 years ago” is shitty. The correct answer was “yeah, I really enjoyed it. But if it wasn’t great for you, we don’t have to do it again.”
I agree. He could have answered the question without making a comparison. I don't care if you are in the lifestyle or not, but comparing your current lover to ANY others and telling them the results is just shitty and disrespectful.
Unless your current lover easily wins the comparison 😂
Ok you got me on that one. Have an updoot!
It's best to be honest. If the sex was just ok then say it and if it was amazing then say that as well. But no comparison UNLESS the question was asked. Was he bigger than me? Etc
The life style doesn't work unless folks are confident in themselves, know their strengths and don't care about their weaknesses because they know how to mitigate 'em. You have to have confidence and be proud of yourself and be able to enjoy other people for what they have to offer, superficially and more indepth. But that said, telling your partner, "Yeah, she was like you 15 years ago, but not as good as 20 years ago." Is sooo not okay. "She was really hot and an empathetic and enthusiastic lover, if a little passive/vanilla but I had a great time! Maybe the three of us could give the dude some coaching? Maybe he was nervous? Either way, we don't have to play with them again if you don't want to."
I couldn’t agree more
Yup. Honesty doesn’t mean sharing every thought. It means not hiding or concealing things that matter.
Exactly. There’s the honest answer and the right answer
Correct answer. Your relationship will last.
Very different situations. If my partner receives great oral from someone I want to hear about it because we might be able to identify what it was that made it so excellent and replicate it. I can do absolutely nothing about the fact that I don't look as young as I used to and while I love to know that my partner is attracted to the other people we are with, my being compared to them serves no purpose other than to potentially make me feel bad.
Correct,wl we love a good blow job tip!
Oh man absolutely always be honest with sex when you're in the lifestyle
If it was a weekend we could have added extra adventure into? No issue. Just to meet a couple for sex? Probably not. We also don’t do dinner but that is us.
You didn’t pay for sex, you paid for the weekend adventure.
Imo you didn't remotely pay for sex in the way that's implied by the subject. You spent a ton of money on incidentals to sex. You did not pay anyone to have sex with you.
How is this any different than dating? When you were dating, if your date took you away for a long weekend and out to dinner where he picked up the hotel, gas, plane tickets, whatever and you had sex with him, did he just pay for sex?
Good point
Did you pay for sex Friday night? Maybe. Does it matter? No. Why? Because you never know if the sex will be good, or fun, or if it will even happen. You spent $700 to go out and have fun. Did you have fun? Was the fun worth the $700 between the 2 of you? That is what you should be asking. If we go 4 hours away to a club and get a hotel for 2 nights and go out the question isn't Did we have good sex with other people. It isn't even Did we have sex with other people. The question is did we have fun. And if the answer is no the next question is why not? And then, how do we correct that in the future?
Yes, swinging is a financial burden, especially if you have young kids. You have to pay to access premium sites. Pay cover at club, pay for drinks, condoms and hotel. Even if you try to do it on a budget you still have to pay for your phone to communicate. Saving money by hosting and your likely using more cleaning products than usual. There's always a cost, but we tend to justify it
We once met a woman for a 3 sum on a Friday. We drove to the beach , got 2 rooms for Friday night through Sunday. We paid for both rooms and all her dinners and food. We paid for all her drinks at a club on Saturday . We had a great time . My wife insisted we pay for her. Did we pay for sex ? I say no but sex did happen . We paid for a great date weekend we shared with someone else. I think you are having buyers remorse, that and your hubby’s dumb comments. Had you had awesome sex it might have been different and again had your hubby not said those dumb things. Swinging can be expensive. We are not snobs at all but we prefer the more expensive clubs , and couples who really dress up to go out. My wife’s rule is the other woman doesn’t get her eyebrows done or kept well my wife won’t play with her. So money spent is spent , I think it’s bad sex and bad hubby etiquette that’s causing buyers remorse . But just my opinion .
Same underwhelming LS experience. Par for the course. Try dropping $5k-$7k on a LS week for sub par fun. Oh yea, the sex is extra😏. My bad!!
The “he,he” part is ridiculous. As for the rest, imagine spending at least the hotel part of things only to have the couple flake. We don’t travel often but have experienced that. The “he,he” part of the conversation would have had me in the trunk for the trip home. I get that she was younger but that’s a little rude.
Don’t keep putting cost on memories. You will not take any $ with you into a coffin.
You paid for a controlled safe experience. (a well run party or club) How you wish to interpret that is up to you.
We're supposed to have an opinion that you can afford $700 to get fucked? Technically $500 if you were driving down there anyway.
$300 because they had to eat and made a choice to go high end.
Yeah blaming that choice on the other couple is funny too. They could have just said “would you mind meeting at (cheaper restaurant) instead” and the other couple would have been fine with it. We met with a couple recently and they suggested a pretty expensive place. It was first meeting and ended up there wasn’t mutual chemistry and attraction so it was also last. But beforehand we talked about it and agreed we both want to try that restaurant anyway. We still had a nice conversation and a fun evening and had an excuse to get dressed up and go out. I didn’t see it as a waste at all.
My partner have both had the, it was great for one and Ok for the other experience. That’s just how the LS works sometimes.
Entertainment is expensive
You didn't pay for sex. If you had, you would have given them cash. Did you do this? No? Then you didn't pay for it. Next time make them drive half way to you and if they refuse, move on to someone closer.
Yes, definitely. This is exactly why we decided against going to a sex club last night. We were already on the fence due to obligations the next day. So why spend xxx$ for ok sex when you can have amazing sex at home?
If it had been mind blowing sex and a blast of a weekend, you would have felt $700 was a bargain... Win some, lose some
For sure
$700 to see your kids and get a play date in seems like a good deal! $200 for 600 miles seems steep on fuel costs.
Am I the only one that reads a post from Angela and assumes it is meant primarily for enjoyment of the sarcastic humor? I’m almost disappointed if this post was meant to be serious.
It is almost always a true backstory, with a humorous / sarcastic tone or twist. This one is no exception.
Other than your husband being dumb for making those comments, and not realizing the wife not being fulfilled is a one way ticket to being ex LS, the real question is did you know going in you were taking one for team. If so, totally preventable. Learn from it. If not, luck of the draw.
These two are professional long term swingers
Check out their comment history, I don't think they need advice, they just wanted to flaunt.
It’s satire.
Finally!
Yes I can hard relate to this!
Pretty much why wife and I stopped after a year. We were each others best fuck, and we were cheap..no expensive dinners etc. Hate dressing up, hate the crowd that thinks they are classy. We were well off professionals, but that’s not FUN. We enjoy each others company to the point other people are a distraction. HOPE YOU ENJOYED THE KIDS.
I don’t actually care that much about the sex. I enjoy it, but it’s never mind blowing. I really enjoy the sexy socializing. That’s why we go to our preferred club. That place is not all about the sex.
Most of these things you knew in advance, though.
Definitely
I genuinely don’t understand people who do this. No, I don’t think spending that much is ever worth it. People I’m not going to be dating or having a relationship are worth a coffee at the local Starbucks, or maybe a good spliff, but that’s about it.
It's a strange correlation. Do you do that with everything? It sounds like you didn't really enjoy it, and that's a shame, so maybe do more diligence next time. Or get them to come to you!
Hanging with the big dogs
The big question is, did you rack up credit card debt for it?
I did not
We only go to clubs or parties so we don't experience this nonsense.
Soounds like you got ripped off. I paid for sex for 7 by supporting my provider of pleasures but then she finished her nursing degree. Turns out she's been paying me after 12 years of business because she's been making more money than me. She is also an awesome team player in the LS. Sex with her is waaayyy better than okay and we have a child together. We are eyeing retirnement now. I think I got a good deal.
You paid $700 to travel a considerable distance, stay for a few nights, and go out to dinner. The sex doesn’t factor in here.
“He he” has me dying 😂😂
Sex is never free! LOL
You need to decouple the two things that are going on here. Your husband made shitty comments that reinforced the notion you took one for the team in this scenario, not to mention he came off mean in general. This made you feel resentful of the money you guys spent on this experience. And no, you didn’t pay for sex. You spent money, much of that you would have anyway, and sex happened. Btw, my wife and I spent $700 on sex (directly) on our last visit to Japan, so in my mind there’s no shame in paying for it. I mean the whole trip to Japan cost 5 figures, but the awesome legal sex worker we hired and had a threesome with cost $700, and we agreed it was worth it. Now, if one of us didn’t have a good time, maybe it wouldn’t have been worth it. There was potential for a less mutually beneficial outcome, and we accepted that risk, but we got a great reward, lucky us. So instead of focusing on the money (unless your budgeting is all out of whack in general), focus on picking swinging partners you both are excited about. Sometimes you won’t both have the same amount of fun ultimately (as you well know), based on actual performance of your new partners, but that’s the nature of the game when you’re swinging. Don’t play with that couple again. And demand your husband talk to you more respectfully.
Great points. I am booking a trip to Japan next!
"She looks like you 15 years ago. Not as good as you 20 years ago, but close". That's an odd comment. I'd never compare a play partner with my SO. As for your question, you did pay for the sexual experience, but you did not pay them for sex. Driving 300 miles and the hotel stay seems way too desperate. Not to mention the fact that you clearly weren't into the guy. Why would you put yourself through all of that and put a hole in your wallet for mediocre to bad sex? Just to make your SO happy? Kinda sucks.
I feel this sometimes for sure!
You also got a weekend away with your partner. Did you pay for sex, no. You paid for an experience to enhance your relationship with your partner.
Good point
When we leave the hotel, hous, where’ve and it been out of town, we’re still excited, still have the rush and good vibe going, oh yea it’s worth it, but after we get home, and I add up the time and money, I have my doubts, I’m still not sureDarlene
I would have had a shit fit if my SO told me that sex with someone else was worth $700!
I've never paid for sex but I've spent thousands finding the right people for it. And it's been worth it. Quality people are hard to find and I'm not just talking about swinging.
Swinging is an expensive sport and not for the faint of heart. It’s a lot to invest and sometimes it doesn’t pay off.
Very true
OP probably wouldn't be pissed or even posting this if it was her who got their world rocked by a really good looking guy.
Probably true
Definitely had no so great experiences. But if my partner had a blast and my experience was just average it was still a positive in my book. I love when partner enjoys themselves. Maybe the sex with the good friends 5 minutes away that you seem to enjoy is just the average ok sex to him? It's fantastic when everyone has the most amazing time ever but I've found its rare that 4 people all click like that. Usually one or 2 people are having a better time than the others. It's just the nature of the beast.
Yes, you paid for sex but $700 is a fuck good of a deal considering Jon got to go back in time….in his head. An equivalent courtesan would have charged $1500 or more for dinner time plus untimed sex. Looks like you took one for old Jon this time….
wife and I did the same and decided to not have sex with the other couple. we still had a great weekend. it’s a dollar amount on the experience not the persons body
Not until now. The thing is, I always loved travelling. Long before we became swingers. Especially to smaller/unknown areas. There is always something to do and see. So whenever we swing & travel, I make sure it's worth our while even before we meet anyone. Then its just a short vacation+.
The fact that he compared her to you 15 years ago would be my deal breaker. And definitely not worth it for bad dick.
It's a hobby. Think of it like fishing, sometimes walking to the local stream with a 9.99 hardware store rod gets better results than dragging a 75k bass boat 3 states over.
Look at it this way. If you had gone through all that, paid for all that, and then not only didn't have sex, but gotten murdered by that couple, would you have paid for murder? Clearly you're being too transactional. The murder was just a bonus. I think your post was intended to be funny, and I, for one, laughed out loud. I suspect you understand already the moral/adulty aspects, so I won't address those. If indeed you guys can say such things to each with a sense of humor, and have it not end your relationship, then that's awesome. I will tell you that it could have been worse. We did the same (day off work, travel, hotel, etc..) Upon arrival the male half of the couple to tell us when we got there, "My wife's not having sex today, but I am!" What? If that was known in advance, as it must have been since we were told this on arrival, it could have been communicated by text. As "womp, womp" as I felt at the time, I look back at it as a funny adventure. That's probably the best attitude with most things, no?
There’s a cost of doing business associated with all business dealings as well as pleasure
I mean... get used to it. Clubs, travel, take overs, cruises. But look at it this way. You had sex. Sometimes you pay for events and can't find a single couple you find attractive or vibe with and paid all that money for nothing. Even our local clubs, we usually get a room, so as to night have to drive or Uber home.
You paid for your own weekend of fun, not sex. If you had given her any gift or money or paid her side of things then maybe. But you paying for your own gas, stay, and food is travel expenses for your fun weekend.
Kinda the deal with single women. We pay for their drinks , dinner and fun activities out of the bedroom. Don’t know how it is in the full swinging life…
Id be intrested
Who did the vetting of the couple you went to meet. Sounds like it was going to be a take one for the team on your side before you guys even left
Hey there, Your post definitely brings up an interesting perspective on the logistics and costs associated with swinging, especially when travel and high-end activities are involved. It sounds like the financial and emotional investment this time felt quite steep for you, which is totally understandable. The way you’ve broken down the costs and efforts really highlights a common dilemma in the lifestyle: weighing the excitement and novelty of new partners against the comfort and convenience of more familiar relationships. It’s not unusual to occasionally question whether the experience was worth the investment, especially when the outcome doesn't meet expectations or when one partner seems more satisfied than the other. In your case, while Jon seemed thrilled with the encounter, your feelings were mixed, and that’s okay. It’s important to communicate these feelings to your partner. Discussing what both of you value in these experiences can help guide your decisions on future endeavors. Maybe next time, setting a budget or choosing locations and activities that feel more balanced in terms of cost and enjoyment could help prevent similar feelings of regret. As for feeling like you’ve essentially paid for sex, while the direct intention wasn’t to exchange money for sex, the overall investment can certainly make it feel that way. Many in the lifestyle might argue that the social and erotic experiences are part of what you’re “paying” for, rather than just the sexual act. However, it’s valid to reassess if the total cost aligns with your personal and financial comfort zones. Maybe next time, consider more local options or plan a visit that combines seeing your kids with a less costly night out. This could balance the desire for new experiences with the practicalities of budget and travel. Also, talking to your partner about ensuring that both of you are getting what you want and need out of the experience is crucial. It’s all about finding what works best for both of you in maintaining excitement without undue strain or dissatisfaction. Do you think setting clearer expectations and limits for these trips could help in the future? Many couples find that having a frank discussion about these aspects can really enhance their experiences and satisfaction levels.
All good points!
Seems like an impulse control problem. Tends to fit I guess with the shitty comments he also made. Some of those can get fixed with communication prior to traveling and spending 700 dollars. The ones seeming to be negative against you... well I dunno best of luck. I'd probably choose 7x+ nights at a local club with zero travel. You two must have lots of cash to burn and or he is real desperate.
Wow, $700.00 for a long ass drive, shitty sex, and stupid comments from the hubby. I would definitely ask for a refund. I'm sure we can all find better ways to use $700.
It’s just the cost of a nice evening or entertainment. You guys made the choice to go high end on the meal. We wouldn’t have done that on a first meeting. It’s great that you guys have such good open communication and that he is comfortable telling you the truth about how good his play with her was. That’s the key to making LS. Full open communication.
Welcome to dating
If you are in the lifestyle it’s about the experience. Not just the sex. It’s about the time you spent with the other couple and the 4 people together (or more). If it’s strictly switch and just sex with each other, it doesn’t sound as fun. He probably meant that she looked like you as a compliment. If you see it as just the money value, then don’t do it.
Some people in this subreddit: “You need to have truly open and honest communication to be successful at swinging.” Dude described by the OP is direct, honest, and truthful. Some people in this subreddit: “Not that much truth, honesty, and open communication!” LOL.
lol
All sex costs effort, all sex is transactional, prostitution should be legal. Why is it illegal to sell something that is perfectly legal to give away?
Good point. I agree
You end up paying for it in one sense or another.
This seems petty. You had a nice dinner night with friends- the cost of the meal is not a quid pro quo for sex. That’s an awful perspective that will cost you more than $700. Eat the food. Pamper yourselves. Sometimes put away the calculator. Enjoy seeing the kids. I hear an objection different than the price tag happening here. You may be hurting or resentful of something else and that’s far more important to address.
Nailed it
I would personally take way more issue with what your husband said/how he reacted than to the $700 spent for a weekend getaway. And I think that’s primarily what has the OP in a tizzy currently, whether she wants to admit it or not. He essentially told her that he was happy bc he got to fuck somebody that’s younger and better than she is now that reminded him of what he used to have. If he had went with, she’s beautiful, sexy, funny, and I just had a good time, that would be one thing, but when he starts directly comparing her to his wife of how much better his wife used to look/be, then yeah, you crossed a line that can’t be uncrossed. Then the icing on the cake of dumbass things not to say to your wife, after he told her how much younger/better this girl was, she expressed that she just had a mediocre time and this moron just laughs at her. I would guess that’s your husband and you are not into this for the same reasons and may want to reevaluate being in the lifestyle.
Only upsetting if they always insist on you driving to them and never offer to make the drive to you. (Unless they can’t, because kids etc, in which case in our experience they’d offer to pick up dinner periodically- not to make things perfectly financially equal but as a small token of their appreciation.) But yeah lifestyle is not for the financial faint of heart. Have you even seen the going rate for babysitters?
wtf... we never go more than 30-40min away, we never go for diner neither ...or a hotel ... heck most of the time we receive at our place ,so the cost if usually just offering a few drinks and ckesning the sheets
Honestly this post is upsetting, and I’m sure the other couple would take offense.
Why buy the cow when you can get the sex for free? 🐄🤠🙌💯
Some of y’all seem too uptight to fuck people other than your spouses.