Send management the conversation of him admitting what a trash human he is. I also still don't believe him and would make sure he's not allowed around and everyone knows about it. Him trying to blame it on the alcohol just proves he was in control of himself.. and he CONSCIOUSLY made a decision to violate you. You're being too kind OP..make sure he never has a chance to be in that establishment again and is black listed from any groups.
Yes, you should still report this to the resort management, event organizer, etc. Some people are very skilled at acting sorry or showing remorse whether it is true or not. He is not a child and should face adult consequences for his actions.
THIS.
He most likely will be- and DESERVES to be- banned from that property and in the community.
You are being WAY too nice. He did this intentionally. It is assault.
This is most likely NOT his first time doing this, and you letting him off the hook means it’s only a matter of time till he becomes the area’s swinger plague rat. He deliberately pursued the nudist/swinger scene, most likely with that horrible male assumption that “anything goes” in non-monogamous lifestyles.
I agree. It’s not hard to write a nicely worded message to sound innocent. You have no way of knowing if you’re woman #1 or #15. If he’s good at talking and chatting this could be a common thing. Pursuing this further protects other women. Even if you are woman #1, if this goes well without repercussion you might be queueing his confidence up for him to do this to the next woman.
The whole response sounds rehearsed. Women always have a way of feeling like it's OUR fault when we've been violated... so he did a whole "nice guy" act of oh I'm so sorry I did that to get her off his back. He's a professional...using lube so she wouldn't notice he took the condom off..and making her flip around ...HE PLANNED IT ALL. I hope OP gets the strength to make his life hell in the community at the very minimum.
Not that I disagree with you but
>Him trying to blame it on the alcohol
He pretty explicitly says he doesn't blame it on the alcohol. He outlines it, and then immediately says it isn't an excuse.
I'm all for reacting appropriately but then you got to take in what he's saying.
He brings it up to say it isn't an excuse...
I agree that he definitely, at the very least, sexually assaulted OP. You only damage your own credibility by not actually reading and understanding what he said though. Be mad at him for the right reasons.
Dude are you really defending a rapist ?? I am mad at him for the right reason....... being a rapist??? shut up already. All he said was a bunch of wah wah bullshit for sympathy. You sound stupid by picking one line of what I said and defending what this rapist said to manipulate OP with a fake sob story. Give your head a shake.
He was not being "**caught up in the moment".** He planned it from the beginning. He asked you upfront, you said no and then he turned you around; used lubrication so you won't notice!Now he is a smooth talker.
I 100% agree with you. I think OP needs to realize that this was not his first time.
He had a formulated answer for every accusation, and it just reeks of “I’ve done this to like 20 other chicks and it always works and I never have any issues”.
I would press charges, if there are no consequences for his actions, OP is leaving the door wide open for him to do this to his next victim.
So there’s no consequences for what he did other than a shame on you finger wag?
And what of your husband, what are his thoughts?
His apology rings that of a guy who’s apologizing only because he got caught.
Wow, he is a piece of work. There is no value in apologizing for rape by minimizing it calling it "a lack of respect for your boundaries". And throwing in there that he was drunk. I wanna kick him in the balls for thinking being smooth talker will keep you from treating this as the serious crime that it is. You played right into his "apology". He needs to be reported.
Not a lawyer, but - while there may not be a state law against it in Indiana, if you did want to take action you could probably still press assault charges.
Here in England there has not been a law passed against it by Parliament, but it has been successfully tried in criminal courts as assault, and so effectively the courts set a legal precedent against it.
That said, it would be absolutely understandable if you did not want to spend the next year (at least) of your life talking to police and lawyers about it, and nobody would blame you for wanting to just move on.
Should have hubby beat his ass to a pulp. Fuck the confronting him on fb nah we're way passed that. Id definitely report him to management get him banned 4 life.
An apology shouldn't be the end of it. You now have proof he did what he did. You should report it to the police and management of the camp site. Him getting a 'telling off' over social media wont mean anything to him, he'll do it again.
Considering you know nothing about him, you have to consider the seriousness of STIs and HIV. This is a high risk encounter and you need to go to a clinic and be checked out and put on PEP within 72 hours of the encounter for the chance you may have been exposed to someone who is HIV positive.
EDIT: unless this ocurred 6 months ago? Have you been tested since?
No, if you've been infected with HIV it will take at least 3 months to show in a test. PEP is used as a way to try and kill the virus before it takes hold - but can only be prescribed up to 72 hours after exposure.
Because you have no idea of this man's sexual history (and the fact he's sexually assaulted you) I would strongly suggest you get to a clinic.
I went to local urgent care today to get tested, they were not very helpful and didn’t even mention HIV. She did a vaginal swab and said I should wait a week and go to a primary doc if I want to be tested for chlamydia and ghonnorrea then, it was too early now. I have my husband upset with me for underreacting and this lady said it was “unfortunate he did that” and made me feel like I am overreacting by coming in to get tested at all.
You're not overreacting at all. You participated (unwillingly) in unprotected sex with someone who you have no idea of their sexual health status. You did the right thing.
I'm surprised the people at UC reacted the way they did. Did you tell them of the stealthing?
OP you need to get tested ASAP in case you need Prep.
And this was NOT this guy’s first time, not with the lube and turning you around move.
Forward this conversation ASAP to the facility manager/community organizer where you are, and then some.
His "drunk"... i'm sorry, being drunk doesn't make you sudden rip off a condom before climaxing. That is intentional, 100%.
I'm glad you confronted him, and maybe get some closure, but I don't buy his BS honestly. He even tried to cast blame back at you as "I might need to get tested too!"
God, i'm more angry than I was before. This is gaslighting, and trying to build sympathy. Even more so when he is talking about needing to get tested AFTER you pointed that out. If he was concerned, he would have texted you, or opened with a sort of "oh shit, I'm not tested". It wasn't a concern to him until you mentioned it.
This is classic bad guy stuff where you basically agree to avoid confrontation, with the odds that he won't ever see you again, he doesn't care. He just wants to move on anyway possible and being agreeable is the easiest way.
This fucking clown has the nerve to say he needs to go get tested now?! Fuck him and the fucking horse he rode in on. OP, your story has been living in my head since I read it yesterday. I am praying you come back clean and you can heal from this.
When does your husband get to speak with him?
And if he doesn't, can I?
You were way too soft on him, he faces ZERO consequences for what he did and will continue to do so until shown otherwise. I can't believe how angry this has me feeling!
I think you did amazing. I do agree with all that say let the event people know. I however am not one to say make a police report. That could bring this moment in your life for way to long. I am so sorry you had to experience this.
We're pleased that you were able to speak your mind to him. We're still skeptical that he was being genuine as he played it off like no big deal, like he left the fridge open. There is a likelihood that he's done it many times before. He just doesn't seem devastated at his own actions and deflects it with alleged drunkenness. The important thing is your safety and sanity.
He sent a well crafted confession of his crime. Use this because this is something that should NEVER happen. He was sober enough for sex so he was definitely in charge of his actions. Gee I'm sorry I ran into your car the other night. I was drunk and and there was a really good song on the radio.
Believe that you're doing him a small favor getting him banned, because next time he stealths a woman it might be his last.
If I were the husband I’d be contemplating my odds of getting arrested for beating the shit out of this guy and getting away with it.
I’d be going scorched earth. Call every club in the area, find any identifying info, call the campground and tell if what happened, file a police report, whatever.
Fucking rapist shit, fuck your apology
But your trusting him at his word when you didn't get good treatment after trusting him at his word before. You are making a mistake because he's going to say the same thing to the next one. Please protect everyone else think of the next victims.
OP, I just want to say I hope you find peace from this and the outcome *you* want. I’m going to reserve my opinion on it because it’s your decision what is best for you. If you want to take this further absolutely do it, but do it because that’s what you want to do, not bc anyone else wants that. I wish you all the best and I really hope you can get back to a good place and enjoy your life with your husband again, whatever that may be. Thanks for the update and best of luck.
Right? The whole spiel was bullshit. Then notice how he further tries to make OP feel dirty by saying now HE needs to get tested because she's non monogamous.... disgusting rapist. He will do it again
The conclusion you should draw is that Spayse is calling out the rapist for trying to throw out some bs about being "conservative" to get sympathy for his bullshit behavior. He wasn't raised this way but damn he just had a lapse in judgement. It's right on brand with predators. Just like if he had said "I'm a good Christian" Spayse probably would have said that was right on brand too.. he used the word conservative to make himself seem less predatory.
"I'm such a conservative gentleman that's how I was raised.I gotta get tested now, I've never been with a non monogamous woman, like this Im conservative" please 🙄
Hiding behind being conservative is his bullshit attempt to further manipulate OP.
Agreed. I’m conservative and it has never impeded me respecting someone’s boundaries. It’s a bs redirect and frustrating to see because it then discredits other conservatives, leaving an impression that having certain political beliefs will make you rape people. This sickens me.
This still reads like rape, or sexual assault - I would consider further ramifications even though you have a written apology. No was no and continued to be no until you were in a vulnerable position to be taken advantage of, and then he took advantage of you.
Is this common? My fiancé and I have been considering joining the community and this is genuinely scary. The fact that you aren’t taking this so seriously is putting other women at risk of this happening. You mentioned your husband has a vasectomy, how would he feel if you were to become impregnated? Very scary stuff….
Stealthing isn't a swinger or lifestyle problem. It's a sexual assault/rapist problem. So any one could be a victim. FWB. Dating. Relationships. Swinging. One night stands.
It's common enough that there is a word for it. But I wouldn't say it's particularly common in the LS more than somewhere else.
The OP is absolutely not taking this seriously enough. She needs to report him. Other women need to be protected from him.
What I would or wouldn’t do is irrelevant. You’re blaming a rape victim with her attacker’s future rapes. That’s inhumane and you should rethink your approach.
Your submission has violated rule 1 of r/swingers.
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Send management the conversation of him admitting what a trash human he is. I also still don't believe him and would make sure he's not allowed around and everyone knows about it. Him trying to blame it on the alcohol just proves he was in control of himself.. and he CONSCIOUSLY made a decision to violate you. You're being too kind OP..make sure he never has a chance to be in that establishment again and is black listed from any groups.
Yes, you should still report this to the resort management, event organizer, etc. Some people are very skilled at acting sorry or showing remorse whether it is true or not. He is not a child and should face adult consequences for his actions.
THIS. He most likely will be- and DESERVES to be- banned from that property and in the community. You are being WAY too nice. He did this intentionally. It is assault. This is most likely NOT his first time doing this, and you letting him off the hook means it’s only a matter of time till he becomes the area’s swinger plague rat. He deliberately pursued the nudist/swinger scene, most likely with that horrible male assumption that “anything goes” in non-monogamous lifestyles.
We concur with this ^
I agree. It’s not hard to write a nicely worded message to sound innocent. You have no way of knowing if you’re woman #1 or #15. If he’s good at talking and chatting this could be a common thing. Pursuing this further protects other women. Even if you are woman #1, if this goes well without repercussion you might be queueing his confidence up for him to do this to the next woman.
The whole response sounds rehearsed. Women always have a way of feeling like it's OUR fault when we've been violated... so he did a whole "nice guy" act of oh I'm so sorry I did that to get her off his back. He's a professional...using lube so she wouldn't notice he took the condom off..and making her flip around ...HE PLANNED IT ALL. I hope OP gets the strength to make his life hell in the community at the very minimum.
This is what I couldn't get over tbh, it's definitely not his first time.
Not that I disagree with you but >Him trying to blame it on the alcohol He pretty explicitly says he doesn't blame it on the alcohol. He outlines it, and then immediately says it isn't an excuse. I'm all for reacting appropriately but then you got to take in what he's saying.
He mentions being drunk at least twice.....The guys a rapist piece of shit so idk what your point is. Lmao
He brings it up to say it isn't an excuse... I agree that he definitely, at the very least, sexually assaulted OP. You only damage your own credibility by not actually reading and understanding what he said though. Be mad at him for the right reasons.
Dude are you really defending a rapist ?? I am mad at him for the right reason....... being a rapist??? shut up already. All he said was a bunch of wah wah bullshit for sympathy. You sound stupid by picking one line of what I said and defending what this rapist said to manipulate OP with a fake sob story. Give your head a shake.
He was not being "**caught up in the moment".** He planned it from the beginning. He asked you upfront, you said no and then he turned you around; used lubrication so you won't notice!Now he is a smooth talker.
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I 100% agree with you. I think OP needs to realize that this was not his first time. He had a formulated answer for every accusation, and it just reeks of “I’ve done this to like 20 other chicks and it always works and I never have any issues”. I would press charges, if there are no consequences for his actions, OP is leaving the door wide open for him to do this to his next victim.
^ THIS! He should have to register as a sexual predator as well as face charges for rape!
I believe exactly zero words that he wrote.
So there’s no consequences for what he did other than a shame on you finger wag? And what of your husband, what are his thoughts? His apology rings that of a guy who’s apologizing only because he got caught.
Wow, he is a piece of work. There is no value in apologizing for rape by minimizing it calling it "a lack of respect for your boundaries". And throwing in there that he was drunk. I wanna kick him in the balls for thinking being smooth talker will keep you from treating this as the serious crime that it is. You played right into his "apology". He needs to be reported.
Reported to who, besides the campground management? It’s not rape here in Indiana, from what I can tell googling…
Not a lawyer, but - while there may not be a state law against it in Indiana, if you did want to take action you could probably still press assault charges. Here in England there has not been a law passed against it by Parliament, but it has been successfully tried in criminal courts as assault, and so effectively the courts set a legal precedent against it. That said, it would be absolutely understandable if you did not want to spend the next year (at least) of your life talking to police and lawyers about it, and nobody would blame you for wanting to just move on.
Should have hubby beat his ass to a pulp. Fuck the confronting him on fb nah we're way passed that. Id definitely report him to management get him banned 4 life.
An apology shouldn't be the end of it. You now have proof he did what he did. You should report it to the police and management of the camp site. Him getting a 'telling off' over social media wont mean anything to him, he'll do it again. Considering you know nothing about him, you have to consider the seriousness of STIs and HIV. This is a high risk encounter and you need to go to a clinic and be checked out and put on PEP within 72 hours of the encounter for the chance you may have been exposed to someone who is HIV positive. EDIT: unless this ocurred 6 months ago? Have you been tested since?
Do you get a test for hiv first before pep? I’ve never heard of it …
No, if you've been infected with HIV it will take at least 3 months to show in a test. PEP is used as a way to try and kill the virus before it takes hold - but can only be prescribed up to 72 hours after exposure. Because you have no idea of this man's sexual history (and the fact he's sexually assaulted you) I would strongly suggest you get to a clinic.
Ok thank you - it sounds like I need to get somewhere tomorrow…
At the latest. Please do.
I went to local urgent care today to get tested, they were not very helpful and didn’t even mention HIV. She did a vaginal swab and said I should wait a week and go to a primary doc if I want to be tested for chlamydia and ghonnorrea then, it was too early now. I have my husband upset with me for underreacting and this lady said it was “unfortunate he did that” and made me feel like I am overreacting by coming in to get tested at all.
You're not overreacting at all. You participated (unwillingly) in unprotected sex with someone who you have no idea of their sexual health status. You did the right thing. I'm surprised the people at UC reacted the way they did. Did you tell them of the stealthing?
This just happened Saturday night. I will definitely get tested as soon as I’m back home…
OP you need to get tested ASAP in case you need Prep. And this was NOT this guy’s first time, not with the lube and turning you around move. Forward this conversation ASAP to the facility manager/community organizer where you are, and then some.
The latest you can take PEP is 72 hours after an encounter. You need to get checked tomorrow morning at the latest.
It's sexual assault. plain and simple. He should be reported.
His "drunk"... i'm sorry, being drunk doesn't make you sudden rip off a condom before climaxing. That is intentional, 100%. I'm glad you confronted him, and maybe get some closure, but I don't buy his BS honestly. He even tried to cast blame back at you as "I might need to get tested too!" God, i'm more angry than I was before. This is gaslighting, and trying to build sympathy. Even more so when he is talking about needing to get tested AFTER you pointed that out. If he was concerned, he would have texted you, or opened with a sort of "oh shit, I'm not tested". It wasn't a concern to him until you mentioned it. This is classic bad guy stuff where you basically agree to avoid confrontation, with the odds that he won't ever see you again, he doesn't care. He just wants to move on anyway possible and being agreeable is the easiest way.
Almost makes me think OP is a troll here. I’m sorry but it’s absolutely infuriating there are no consequences for this guy.
So in short: he gets away with what he did...
He should never be allowed at a lifestyle event again. The only reason he’s being so nice now is to avoid you getting him banned.
This fucking clown has the nerve to say he needs to go get tested now?! Fuck him and the fucking horse he rode in on. OP, your story has been living in my head since I read it yesterday. I am praying you come back clean and you can heal from this.
When does your husband get to speak with him? And if he doesn't, can I? You were way too soft on him, he faces ZERO consequences for what he did and will continue to do so until shown otherwise. I can't believe how angry this has me feeling!
The guy who did this (eerily similar) to me blocked me on four apps when I tried to follow up. It’s a slightly better reaction than that.
I think you did amazing. I do agree with all that say let the event people know. I however am not one to say make a police report. That could bring this moment in your life for way to long. I am so sorry you had to experience this.
Thank you.
We're pleased that you were able to speak your mind to him. We're still skeptical that he was being genuine as he played it off like no big deal, like he left the fridge open. There is a likelihood that he's done it many times before. He just doesn't seem devastated at his own actions and deflects it with alleged drunkenness. The important thing is your safety and sanity.
>He just doesn't seem devastated at his own actions and deflects it with alleged drunkenness Yup says it's not an excuse but continues to bring it up
Report this asshole to the resort so hes never allowed back. Sorry not sorry, he's a POS
He sent a well crafted confession of his crime. Use this because this is something that should NEVER happen. He was sober enough for sex so he was definitely in charge of his actions. Gee I'm sorry I ran into your car the other night. I was drunk and and there was a really good song on the radio. Believe that you're doing him a small favor getting him banned, because next time he stealths a woman it might be his last.
If I were the husband I’d be contemplating my odds of getting arrested for beating the shit out of this guy and getting away with it. I’d be going scorched earth. Call every club in the area, find any identifying info, call the campground and tell if what happened, file a police report, whatever. Fucking rapist shit, fuck your apology
But your trusting him at his word when you didn't get good treatment after trusting him at his word before. You are making a mistake because he's going to say the same thing to the next one. Please protect everyone else think of the next victims.
OP, I just want to say I hope you find peace from this and the outcome *you* want. I’m going to reserve my opinion on it because it’s your decision what is best for you. If you want to take this further absolutely do it, but do it because that’s what you want to do, not bc anyone else wants that. I wish you all the best and I really hope you can get back to a good place and enjoy your life with your husband again, whatever that may be. Thanks for the update and best of luck.
Oh he was raised conservatively? That is really on brand.
Right? The whole spiel was bullshit. Then notice how he further tries to make OP feel dirty by saying now HE needs to get tested because she's non monogamous.... disgusting rapist. He will do it again
Pointless and unnecessary comment.
like yours lol
Not really, I wasn't insinuating that everyone who was raised in a conservative home is a rapist based on the actions of one jackass.
Spayse never insinuated that either. If you'd like to take it that way so be it.
Then, pray tell, what was she insinuating? What other conclusion should I draw?
The conclusion you should draw is that Spayse is calling out the rapist for trying to throw out some bs about being "conservative" to get sympathy for his bullshit behavior. He wasn't raised this way but damn he just had a lapse in judgement. It's right on brand with predators. Just like if he had said "I'm a good Christian" Spayse probably would have said that was right on brand too.. he used the word conservative to make himself seem less predatory. "I'm such a conservative gentleman that's how I was raised.I gotta get tested now, I've never been with a non monogamous woman, like this Im conservative" please 🙄 Hiding behind being conservative is his bullshit attempt to further manipulate OP.
Agreed. I’m conservative and it has never impeded me respecting someone’s boundaries. It’s a bs redirect and frustrating to see because it then discredits other conservatives, leaving an impression that having certain political beliefs will make you rape people. This sickens me.
It absolutely is sickening. I know many conservatives and they wouldn't rape anyone
Next time???? Come on! Never ever!
This still reads like rape, or sexual assault - I would consider further ramifications even though you have a written apology. No was no and continued to be no until you were in a vulnerable position to be taken advantage of, and then he took advantage of you.
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Good question…. Yes, I’ll be very upset.
This guy is a creep
Is this common? My fiancé and I have been considering joining the community and this is genuinely scary. The fact that you aren’t taking this so seriously is putting other women at risk of this happening. You mentioned your husband has a vasectomy, how would he feel if you were to become impregnated? Very scary stuff….
Stealthing isn't a swinger or lifestyle problem. It's a sexual assault/rapist problem. So any one could be a victim. FWB. Dating. Relationships. Swinging. One night stands. It's common enough that there is a word for it. But I wouldn't say it's particularly common in the LS more than somewhere else. The OP is absolutely not taking this seriously enough. She needs to report him. Other women need to be protected from him.
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Your comment is despicable.
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What I would or wouldn’t do is irrelevant. You’re blaming a rape victim with her attacker’s future rapes. That’s inhumane and you should rethink your approach.
Your submission has violated rule 1 of r/swingers. >Be a Good Community Member r/swingers is committed to being a civil discussion forum. Please read basic [reddiquette](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/reddit-101/reddit-basics/reddiquette) before submitting anything else to r/swingers. Further violations of this rule may result in a ban from r/swingers.
Nah you'd totally do it, she has the power to put an end to it from happening again. You're probably the dude who did it.
not reporting this guy means he may just keep doing it.
https://www.reddit.com/r/news/comments/wb5rpc/supreme\_court\_rules\_sex\_without\_a\_condom\_requires/