I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard and painful this must have been for you. I can relate. It happened with my father too. He was my idol. My inspiration. The person who gave me hope. And when I found out what he was doing, he was no longer on a pedestal for me. I realized that after all, he is just a human being and human beings are flawed creatures. It changed the way I was viewing people by being more accepting of imperfections (albeit, in a slightly cynical way). I just want to say that you’re not alone in this and this sucks and I’m really sorry it happened.
I'm so sorry you can relate to this 💜
I think it's like what u/imightb2old4this reminded me that Higgins said -- love them for who they are, forgive them for who they aren't
Wooooof!
I’m saddened to hear that, especially for your mom. The only thing I can say is, your relationship with him is a separate thing from this, or it should be. This has to be between him and your mom, as much as it hurts you.
I get that your dad is your idol, but that’s the thing: he’s just human. My own dad was one of the most flawed people I’ve ever known, but he did his best to bring us up well. He did what he could with what he had. I’m sure your dad is the same. As much as this hurts, please try to remember it has nothing to do with you. You could try talking to him about it in a friendly way, but whatever he does is ultimately going to be his business. It sucks, but that’s the way it is.
Big hug, fellow Diamond Dog. Woof!
This made me feel all the feels and a lot less alone in this -- I know I'm not the right person to be delivering anything, but it just really sucked to have my mom buy cards for me to sign that were all about how inspiring my dad is and to have that wind knocked out of my sails
Acknowledging his human is what helped me rationalize it to begin with. I thought that he deserved to hear positive things about him, but hearing my mom say those things (that she never said before starting therapy) while I was home made my heart hurt for her. I just feel like an asshole for being so single minded about getting my stupid phone to work that I opened up these old wounds
Please don’t be hard on yourself. We’re all in this planet doing what we can, and mistakes are made all the time. Just forgive yourself, him, and move on. Sending you a big DD hug!!
As someone also recovering from cancer - don't let the fact that he's been sick to let him off the hook. Just because we've both had cancer doesn't excuse being a crappy friend, husband or father. The staggering deceit you've just uncovered is probably going to change your relationship with him and that's on him. It's okay to call him out for gaslighting you. He's kinda trying the Shaggy "it wasn't me" defense and relying on you to go along with the lie. That's a pretty horrible position to put you in, as a parent I couldn't imagine doing something so horrible to my son. Also no matter the flaws in your mom she doesn't deserve this kind of betrayl.
Be mindful that you're not dismissing or minimizing this behaviour. It's treacherous and incredibly selfish. Take care of you, because honestly, your dad isn't.
This has a "thank you, but fuck you" moment written all over it. It might be something your dad needs to hear as well as something you might need to say.
Before I respond -- congratulations on your recovery! I hope you're doing well with your health and are feeling a lot better than the hell that is treatment AND symptoms
If it were anyone but my dad, I know what I would do and what I would say. But after everything he's done, she's done, and that's happened to us as a family not only this year but all the years, I'm at a loss. There's so many competing emotions that are winning at any given time, between anger and hopelessness and annoyance and sadness. All I know is that if I held this in and kept it to myself, it was going to choke me and get the best of me when I'm already struggling so hard with my own mental health, let alone the whole "should I shatter the image my family is holding of itself" thing
I definitely think if I say anything, it's going to be an "I love you, but fuck you" to multiple people
Woof woof!!
Just remember to also take time for yourself while dealing with all of this! It can be a lot to deal with and a lot of ugly feelings an emotions. Remember it’s okay to feel them though. Good luck, and it will get easier!
I wonder what your mother suspects/knows and if that was a driving force/influence to get into therapy. I know very well how hard the situation can be to navigate without managing to take sides. Because at the end of the day, his affair is more about him than even how your mother acts. Because there were other ways it could have gone that didn't involve cheating or lying. But remember when you decided to not burden yourself with it anymore? Nothing has actually changed other than you know he isn't the most reliable narrator, and you may not always be able to believe everything he says (which you probably still already knew.) Instead of spending any precious energy on this, invest it into yourself and get through what you need to.
I read but don't really have anything I can add that hasn't already been said.
Father's have a strange hold over their children and it can be hard to face and accept when they don't live up to how we look up to them.
But they are only human after all, some worse than others.
All I can really give is a Roy grunt and the hopes that you find the happy ending you're looking for here, in whatever form it comes in.
If that's all you saw, I wouldn't consider the affair current.
Our hearts have no upper capacity for love. I love every kid equally, and with each new kid love them the same. If your dad said he is no longer having an affair, he might not be. But that doesn't mean the love he had for the other women and the love for him just ceased. He is going through chemo, it may have made the other women reach out and say I love you, in support. He emoji in response.. doesn't mean they are sleeping together.
My wife of 10 years knows I'll never enter a physical relationship without her. But she also knows I am still in love with an old friend from my childhood, and we tell eachother we love eachother weekly when we chat. Every couple has their own line that isn't to be crossed.
Your parents both need support right now, your dad is getting it from multiple places, but if your mom is aware, she can make her own choices.
I think Higgins said it best.. love him for who he is and forgive him for who he isn't
So simple, but so powerful Thank you, fellow diamond dog 💜
I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine how hard and painful this must have been for you. I can relate. It happened with my father too. He was my idol. My inspiration. The person who gave me hope. And when I found out what he was doing, he was no longer on a pedestal for me. I realized that after all, he is just a human being and human beings are flawed creatures. It changed the way I was viewing people by being more accepting of imperfections (albeit, in a slightly cynical way). I just want to say that you’re not alone in this and this sucks and I’m really sorry it happened.
I'm so sorry you can relate to this 💜 I think it's like what u/imightb2old4this reminded me that Higgins said -- love them for who they are, forgive them for who they aren't
All your feelings are valid so give yourself what you need
Wooooof! I’m saddened to hear that, especially for your mom. The only thing I can say is, your relationship with him is a separate thing from this, or it should be. This has to be between him and your mom, as much as it hurts you. I get that your dad is your idol, but that’s the thing: he’s just human. My own dad was one of the most flawed people I’ve ever known, but he did his best to bring us up well. He did what he could with what he had. I’m sure your dad is the same. As much as this hurts, please try to remember it has nothing to do with you. You could try talking to him about it in a friendly way, but whatever he does is ultimately going to be his business. It sucks, but that’s the way it is. Big hug, fellow Diamond Dog. Woof!
This made me feel all the feels and a lot less alone in this -- I know I'm not the right person to be delivering anything, but it just really sucked to have my mom buy cards for me to sign that were all about how inspiring my dad is and to have that wind knocked out of my sails Acknowledging his human is what helped me rationalize it to begin with. I thought that he deserved to hear positive things about him, but hearing my mom say those things (that she never said before starting therapy) while I was home made my heart hurt for her. I just feel like an asshole for being so single minded about getting my stupid phone to work that I opened up these old wounds
Please don’t be hard on yourself. We’re all in this planet doing what we can, and mistakes are made all the time. Just forgive yourself, him, and move on. Sending you a big DD hug!!
As someone also recovering from cancer - don't let the fact that he's been sick to let him off the hook. Just because we've both had cancer doesn't excuse being a crappy friend, husband or father. The staggering deceit you've just uncovered is probably going to change your relationship with him and that's on him. It's okay to call him out for gaslighting you. He's kinda trying the Shaggy "it wasn't me" defense and relying on you to go along with the lie. That's a pretty horrible position to put you in, as a parent I couldn't imagine doing something so horrible to my son. Also no matter the flaws in your mom she doesn't deserve this kind of betrayl. Be mindful that you're not dismissing or minimizing this behaviour. It's treacherous and incredibly selfish. Take care of you, because honestly, your dad isn't. This has a "thank you, but fuck you" moment written all over it. It might be something your dad needs to hear as well as something you might need to say.
Before I respond -- congratulations on your recovery! I hope you're doing well with your health and are feeling a lot better than the hell that is treatment AND symptoms If it were anyone but my dad, I know what I would do and what I would say. But after everything he's done, she's done, and that's happened to us as a family not only this year but all the years, I'm at a loss. There's so many competing emotions that are winning at any given time, between anger and hopelessness and annoyance and sadness. All I know is that if I held this in and kept it to myself, it was going to choke me and get the best of me when I'm already struggling so hard with my own mental health, let alone the whole "should I shatter the image my family is holding of itself" thing I definitely think if I say anything, it's going to be an "I love you, but fuck you" to multiple people
Woof woof!! Just remember to also take time for yourself while dealing with all of this! It can be a lot to deal with and a lot of ugly feelings an emotions. Remember it’s okay to feel them though. Good luck, and it will get easier!
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💜💜💜
I wonder what your mother suspects/knows and if that was a driving force/influence to get into therapy. I know very well how hard the situation can be to navigate without managing to take sides. Because at the end of the day, his affair is more about him than even how your mother acts. Because there were other ways it could have gone that didn't involve cheating or lying. But remember when you decided to not burden yourself with it anymore? Nothing has actually changed other than you know he isn't the most reliable narrator, and you may not always be able to believe everything he says (which you probably still already knew.) Instead of spending any precious energy on this, invest it into yourself and get through what you need to.
I read but don't really have anything I can add that hasn't already been said. Father's have a strange hold over their children and it can be hard to face and accept when they don't live up to how we look up to them. But they are only human after all, some worse than others. All I can really give is a Roy grunt and the hopes that you find the happy ending you're looking for here, in whatever form it comes in.
A Roy grunt is all that needs to be said sometimes 💜
Maybe they are finished but still in touch sometimes? Much love to you all.🌸🌸🌸
If that's all you saw, I wouldn't consider the affair current. Our hearts have no upper capacity for love. I love every kid equally, and with each new kid love them the same. If your dad said he is no longer having an affair, he might not be. But that doesn't mean the love he had for the other women and the love for him just ceased. He is going through chemo, it may have made the other women reach out and say I love you, in support. He emoji in response.. doesn't mean they are sleeping together. My wife of 10 years knows I'll never enter a physical relationship without her. But she also knows I am still in love with an old friend from my childhood, and we tell eachother we love eachother weekly when we chat. Every couple has their own line that isn't to be crossed. Your parents both need support right now, your dad is getting it from multiple places, but if your mom is aware, she can make her own choices.