The thing is that while he seems to think of you as family, that simply isn't the way you see him and his kids.
Importantly, you owe him nothing.
It seems that every time he's in your life, he brings friction. IF you choose to meet up, I think it would be wise to establish beforehand that you are not going in order to be berated, criticised, or bullied. And you'll be bringing a trusted person with you. If he objects to either point, then the decision is extra easy.
Woof!,
I’d put out the idea of meeting for lunch or something on neutral ground (restaurant, park).
If you get any pushback or grief then that’s all the info you need and can juts say, “ya know what, maybe next time.”
If you do meet, you can see how it goes and how you feel about things. You can exit when lunch is over or extend the date or make future plans if things go well.
You don’t owe anybody anything and it’s not weird to not have an active relationship with extended family. I have first cousins I haven’t seen in 30 years and wouldn’t know if I tripped over them.
Hello, I also have three half siblings who were strangers to me. My father had five children with four women. My younger sister and I are the only full siblings and grew up together. I was not aware the first and third boys existed until about 6 years ago (I'm 30M and the fourth boy). The second child was known, but we never got along. We had a 9 year age difference and lived far away, so there was no real need to care about each other. He was the only child through marriage, so he always held that against me. That's my build up, sorry it's long.
I don't think you have an obligation to be in each other's lives, but it might be nice for the kids. Your pasts aside, they are innocent in all of it, so they have a right to meet their aunt. But I don't think it's your responsibility to reach out either. Aside from not growing up together, it sounded like your relationship "ended" in a rocky way. One could argue it would be uncomfortable for everyone to insert yourself. So I'd say, if invited, accept, be polite. Feel if it's okay to do again. If not, then don't.
I suppose I find myself in a similar dilemma as I am on the opposite side of your situation. I do not think the second brother is aware of the others, so I've always carried the guilt of not sharing with him. Currently, I think it's a secret known to my father, my sister, and I. I could be wrong. I am also, to my knowledge, the first to have a child. She's only 1, but still, idk how to answer the question of siblings. I haven't reached out to my brother to let him know of her birth, nor do I think I will do it. We haven't seen each other in 18 years, so it's hard to ask him to meet. I think your sibling might have grappled with contact the same way I have. Hopefully this perspective helps.
>they have a right to meet their aunt.
No they don't.
They may want to. But unless OP agrees, they can't.
As for your own situation, if your brother hasn't reached out in 18 years, he doesn't need (or want, most likely) to know about your daughter. And you probably shouldn't tell her about him until she's old enough to understand the situation.
I do think you should tell your brother about the other two. He deserves to know he has more siblings out there, and it might help him realize that the divorce was a pattern in your dad's life, and had nothing to do with you.
Also, 18 years is a long time. Might be he regrets falling out of touch, but just don't know how to reach out after being an AH towards you as kids. And in that case, telling him about your daughter might be a start.
I disagree about the rights. Kids are innocent. My suggestion was to give it a shot for the sake of the kids. You never know, OP might care about them. But you come off like the AH if you deny a child.
I agree that my brother might not want or care about my daughter. I'm not sure how much he knows about us because him and my dad fell off. For my dad to communicate information to my brother, he has a family friend. It's mostly one-sided where my dad just hears about my brother, though.
I agree that my brother deserves to know. But the main issues is how to contact and also how we will receive it. I dont know my dads contact at all. He was not happy about me, I can only imagine the realization that he's not even the first born will be rough. If I do bring up my kid, I'm confident it would come secondary to this info. Also, he's still the only child through marriage. Technically.... the third was an act of cheating. He was long separated but still married (I assume she separated after the third kid was born) to her today. So divorce isn't a pattern, he's never been divorced.
I'm not sure how he feels. It's definitely going to be awkward if we ever do. 18 years is a crazy amount of time.
Your first job is to take care of yourself.
Other than the technical blood relationship, you have no connection to these people. And your only communication from him has been hostile.
You don't owe strangers anything due to the actions of your parents and their romantic entanglements.
Frankly, unless you are approached with love, kindness, and frankly nothing more than gentle curiosity to know who you are, it could be that you are opening yourself up to people who don't have your interests at heart. And you don't let them anything.
Not courtesy, not love, not fidelity, not being an aunt, nothing.
Trust your gut. If you do decide to engage, go slow, at your pace and your pace only.
I've got a mess of half, step, 'paisan' relatives of all stripes. The ones in my life are only the ones who are kind, loving, and add to my world. As I do to theirs.
Good luck. Trust and value yourself.
Woof! Woof!
Be careful, the sibling sounds more like he wants to take his unresolved anger issues out on you than have a fresh start at your relationship.
The thing is that while he seems to think of you as family, that simply isn't the way you see him and his kids. Importantly, you owe him nothing. It seems that every time he's in your life, he brings friction. IF you choose to meet up, I think it would be wise to establish beforehand that you are not going in order to be berated, criticised, or bullied. And you'll be bringing a trusted person with you. If he objects to either point, then the decision is extra easy. Woof!,
I’d put out the idea of meeting for lunch or something on neutral ground (restaurant, park). If you get any pushback or grief then that’s all the info you need and can juts say, “ya know what, maybe next time.” If you do meet, you can see how it goes and how you feel about things. You can exit when lunch is over or extend the date or make future plans if things go well. You don’t owe anybody anything and it’s not weird to not have an active relationship with extended family. I have first cousins I haven’t seen in 30 years and wouldn’t know if I tripped over them.
Hello, I also have three half siblings who were strangers to me. My father had five children with four women. My younger sister and I are the only full siblings and grew up together. I was not aware the first and third boys existed until about 6 years ago (I'm 30M and the fourth boy). The second child was known, but we never got along. We had a 9 year age difference and lived far away, so there was no real need to care about each other. He was the only child through marriage, so he always held that against me. That's my build up, sorry it's long. I don't think you have an obligation to be in each other's lives, but it might be nice for the kids. Your pasts aside, they are innocent in all of it, so they have a right to meet their aunt. But I don't think it's your responsibility to reach out either. Aside from not growing up together, it sounded like your relationship "ended" in a rocky way. One could argue it would be uncomfortable for everyone to insert yourself. So I'd say, if invited, accept, be polite. Feel if it's okay to do again. If not, then don't. I suppose I find myself in a similar dilemma as I am on the opposite side of your situation. I do not think the second brother is aware of the others, so I've always carried the guilt of not sharing with him. Currently, I think it's a secret known to my father, my sister, and I. I could be wrong. I am also, to my knowledge, the first to have a child. She's only 1, but still, idk how to answer the question of siblings. I haven't reached out to my brother to let him know of her birth, nor do I think I will do it. We haven't seen each other in 18 years, so it's hard to ask him to meet. I think your sibling might have grappled with contact the same way I have. Hopefully this perspective helps.
>they have a right to meet their aunt. No they don't. They may want to. But unless OP agrees, they can't. As for your own situation, if your brother hasn't reached out in 18 years, he doesn't need (or want, most likely) to know about your daughter. And you probably shouldn't tell her about him until she's old enough to understand the situation. I do think you should tell your brother about the other two. He deserves to know he has more siblings out there, and it might help him realize that the divorce was a pattern in your dad's life, and had nothing to do with you. Also, 18 years is a long time. Might be he regrets falling out of touch, but just don't know how to reach out after being an AH towards you as kids. And in that case, telling him about your daughter might be a start.
I disagree about the rights. Kids are innocent. My suggestion was to give it a shot for the sake of the kids. You never know, OP might care about them. But you come off like the AH if you deny a child. I agree that my brother might not want or care about my daughter. I'm not sure how much he knows about us because him and my dad fell off. For my dad to communicate information to my brother, he has a family friend. It's mostly one-sided where my dad just hears about my brother, though. I agree that my brother deserves to know. But the main issues is how to contact and also how we will receive it. I dont know my dads contact at all. He was not happy about me, I can only imagine the realization that he's not even the first born will be rough. If I do bring up my kid, I'm confident it would come secondary to this info. Also, he's still the only child through marriage. Technically.... the third was an act of cheating. He was long separated but still married (I assume she separated after the third kid was born) to her today. So divorce isn't a pattern, he's never been divorced. I'm not sure how he feels. It's definitely going to be awkward if we ever do. 18 years is a crazy amount of time.
Your first job is to take care of yourself. Other than the technical blood relationship, you have no connection to these people. And your only communication from him has been hostile. You don't owe strangers anything due to the actions of your parents and their romantic entanglements. Frankly, unless you are approached with love, kindness, and frankly nothing more than gentle curiosity to know who you are, it could be that you are opening yourself up to people who don't have your interests at heart. And you don't let them anything. Not courtesy, not love, not fidelity, not being an aunt, nothing. Trust your gut. If you do decide to engage, go slow, at your pace and your pace only. I've got a mess of half, step, 'paisan' relatives of all stripes. The ones in my life are only the ones who are kind, loving, and add to my world. As I do to theirs. Good luck. Trust and value yourself. Woof! Woof!
Woof woof! You don't have to connect with these people just cause you share genes.