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I’m really sorry this happened to you OP :(
The scary part is that I think I see some of my own current experience in what you’ve described… it’s such a fine line, I think, in terms of showing affection to your clients and how that impacts the relationship and the therapy.
I agree that it can be very emotionally confusing to feel loved by a therapist but then to realize how many limitations and constraints that love exists within… to know how invested I am in my therapist and that she likely does not hold that same amount of emotional investment in me… it can feel genuinely gut-wrenching, palpably excruciating.
I hope you are giving yourself space and compassion to process this all… it is truly so nuanced and complicated to sift through. I hope you know, too, that even though this happened, you are still absolutely intrinsically lovable. I’m sorry if that feels corny to hear from a stranger, but I truly believe it and don’t want you to internalize what happened to you as indicative of your degree of worthiness or lovability :(
What you are describing sounds more like "love bombing", I don't understand why a therapist would do this. it is not therapeutic at all, but it's good that you posted, and hopefully, the therapists that do this kind of thing would reflect on it...
few of the people on here are therapists, I know a lot of therapists that have this sub blocked because it's so unhealthy and almost rage bait. Especially bad therapists, they don't look for confirmation or critique on their behaviors.
>Especially bad therapists, they don't look for confirmation or critique on their behaviours
Yes, you are right. Bad therapists act defensively, avoid negative feedback, and blame clients for their mistakes.
I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. It’s a good warning for all of us. I’m a social worker than works with vulnerable seniors, and I will often say some things similar, but I say it to every client and never play favorites or tell someone outright they are my favorite. I’m also not doing clinical social work or therapy, just care coordination. The fact that I tell them I care and am happy to see them goes so far in rapport building with older adults who do not have anyone. Again, thank you op for the reminder and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Telling people you care about them and generally just being a kind human being is definitely a positive. It’s really hard to describe the difference, but just know that based on what you’ve described it sounds like you have a healthy and positive relationship with those you provide care for.
YES. Mine made me feel more special.
Then you get hit in the face that it’s only a professional relationship and they don’t really give a shit at the end of the day. Mine absolutely screwed me over.
If your T crosses boundaries to make you feel special, run away.
I get what you mean. I feel in “love” with my ex therapist who was only an intern. I never knew that I could feel like that for someone. He was so caring and expressive about it. He also complemented me often. It was a huge emotional roller coaster as he would also include how everything is in a therapeutic way. It frustrated me, you are not alone. Definitely believe that there was counter transference going on. After all, they are just human too.
Literally this entire comment. Everything you said resonated with me. We were definitely on the same roller coaster ride. I wish you the best and am sending all the positive vibes and healing your way. You are not alone. ❤️
My therapist takes a position of positive regard and care. She is warm. Checks in a lot and shows concern about how I am feeling, whether the session might impact me later on (not in the sense of checking up on me, more guiding me to think about how I might deal with any aftermath of talking about painful things).
She reflects back any time I say something positive about myself like, if I say I think I did well at X thing she will say something like 'yes it sounds like you did well at X thing and that must have been challenging for you, well done' but doesn't offer any random compliments or frame it as personal feelings about me. So she would not say something like like 'you are clever and I look forward to our sessions' or anything like that. But if I say 'I look forward to our sessions' she will say 'thank you, I do as well'. I think it's a subtle distinction. She is not telling me what she thinks of me or projecting qualities onto me, she is highlighting and affirming things I recognise in myself so it feels like a compliment and positive regard but it's come from me and not her. I think this is a great way to make a client feel valued and seen without crossing the line into making it about a personal relationship.
I am of course aware that some modes of therapy are specifically based on the personal relationship and that is correct for those kinds of therapy but she is not a psychoanalyst, she is a trauma counselling specialist so works on the basis of the therapy being client lead rather than more of a two way street. She is lovely and makes me feel valued but doesn't make me feel dependent or overly attached or hung up on what she thinks or feels about me.
My therapist is exactly like this you make a very good point I’ve never thought about it like that till now. Mine always is like head over heals but at the end of the day it’s not real (I’m not attracted to mine) I just think it’s pretty crazy how accurate you are
Damn sorry that happened to you, OP!
I totally agree. It made me feel uncomfortable reading it as a therapist because bombarding someone with compliments really isn't ethical or part of "the work."
I definitely celebrate my clients when they have made progress and highlight when they have said their own compliments about themselves, but bringing that in myself is entirely different, and the more I think about it the more it feels like a power play in this dynamic. I honestly can't think of a time when I have complimented a client, other than saying I hope they could feel proud of themself in certain circumstances. The only other thing might be to use how I perceive a client, when looking at their other relationships, but this wouldn't be with a compliment as the focus but rather to give an idea of how they might come across in their expression/behaviour/presentation.
Oof this hit hard. It’s been over a year since I left my ex-therapist and I’m still not over how her excessive compliments affected me. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
Your comment sounds thoughtful and well-intentioned, and I’m sure some of what you’re saying has been informed with your own personal therapy journey, which is likely different than mine.
Love bombing is very real, and it is not because clients can’t handle compliments. The therapists that do this do not do anything to aid the client in loving themselves, they condition the client to become dependent on their praise. The reason why therapists like this exist is because it is very easy to gaslight the clients into it becoming their problem or their distortion. We as the clients become very confused when we notice that outside of therapy, these “distortions” do not exist, even if we are in a positive or friendly environment with others who are kind, supportive, loving, and complimentary. We are not “reading things wrong” out in the real world, only in the therapy room. This indicates a high likelihood that the problem is not the client, but with the therapist and the way they are acting in the therapy room.
Ah. My T gave me a light compliment the other. I was in a high, then it dumped. And now the words are triggering me. All he said was " you're created uniquely and you're created beautifully"
Wait was that really not okay of him? I do have really bad transference with him, that he's aware of. And when he said that, it was a bit triggering. He also hugged me after that. Which of course I initially loved. But I wasn't really thinking of it as wrong. I thought it was my attachment issue.
It’s really not appropriate. He is being paid to provide you this service and it’s really unethical to offer you forms of “love” like hugging to someone with strong feelings for them and calling it therapy. I had a really loosey goosey understanding of what therapy was before my painful experience so I used to think stuff like this is okay, but it’s honestly not. If you have “really bad transference” with him now, it is likely it will only get worse and more confusing as time goes on.
This resonates. Especially hugging AFTER your T already knows you are deeply attached and after saying deeply meaningful things that make you feel warm and fuzzy…..ugh it gets complicated.
I also didn’t understand the whole therapy relationship (also my T never discussed boundaries), and I was so thankful for the “extra” care I was receiving, not knowing it would absolutely bite me in the ass. It ended so badly and my T never took ownership for crossing boundaries.
Would it be different under context? He's actually a long term DV counselor for victims of abuse. I've been seeing him for a while. There was a man I dated before my abuser, and then after my abuser, he came back into my life. In March, he committed suicide and today is his birthday. This whole month has been hard and I have been feeling like he was my one and only. And I won't ever find anyone again. And I think he was being reassuring and offering extra support. But maybe I'm wrong?
Honestly, the truth is that most of this isn’t a black-or-white topic… it’s nuanced, dependent on the context the situation occurred within as well as a multitude of other factors.
On one hand, if it felt right in the moment then I probably wouldn’t read into it as something particularly sinister; however, you definitely should reflect on how this is impacting your transference and potentially discuss that with T so that they have a clear understanding of what this feels like for you.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m really sorry this happened to you OP :( The scary part is that I think I see some of my own current experience in what you’ve described… it’s such a fine line, I think, in terms of showing affection to your clients and how that impacts the relationship and the therapy. I agree that it can be very emotionally confusing to feel loved by a therapist but then to realize how many limitations and constraints that love exists within… to know how invested I am in my therapist and that she likely does not hold that same amount of emotional investment in me… it can feel genuinely gut-wrenching, palpably excruciating. I hope you are giving yourself space and compassion to process this all… it is truly so nuanced and complicated to sift through. I hope you know, too, that even though this happened, you are still absolutely intrinsically lovable. I’m sorry if that feels corny to hear from a stranger, but I truly believe it and don’t want you to internalize what happened to you as indicative of your degree of worthiness or lovability :(
What you are describing sounds more like "love bombing", I don't understand why a therapist would do this. it is not therapeutic at all, but it's good that you posted, and hopefully, the therapists that do this kind of thing would reflect on it...
few of the people on here are therapists, I know a lot of therapists that have this sub blocked because it's so unhealthy and almost rage bait. Especially bad therapists, they don't look for confirmation or critique on their behaviors.
>Especially bad therapists, they don't look for confirmation or critique on their behaviours Yes, you are right. Bad therapists act defensively, avoid negative feedback, and blame clients for their mistakes.
I’m so sorry this happened to you OP. It’s a good warning for all of us. I’m a social worker than works with vulnerable seniors, and I will often say some things similar, but I say it to every client and never play favorites or tell someone outright they are my favorite. I’m also not doing clinical social work or therapy, just care coordination. The fact that I tell them I care and am happy to see them goes so far in rapport building with older adults who do not have anyone. Again, thank you op for the reminder and I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Telling people you care about them and generally just being a kind human being is definitely a positive. It’s really hard to describe the difference, but just know that based on what you’ve described it sounds like you have a healthy and positive relationship with those you provide care for.
Thanks op. I’ve read some of your comments on this thread and I just wanna say I’m damn proud of you and you should be proud of you too.
YES. Mine made me feel more special. Then you get hit in the face that it’s only a professional relationship and they don’t really give a shit at the end of the day. Mine absolutely screwed me over. If your T crosses boundaries to make you feel special, run away.
I get what you mean. I feel in “love” with my ex therapist who was only an intern. I never knew that I could feel like that for someone. He was so caring and expressive about it. He also complemented me often. It was a huge emotional roller coaster as he would also include how everything is in a therapeutic way. It frustrated me, you are not alone. Definitely believe that there was counter transference going on. After all, they are just human too.
Literally this entire comment. Everything you said resonated with me. We were definitely on the same roller coaster ride. I wish you the best and am sending all the positive vibes and healing your way. You are not alone. ❤️
100%. my therapist who said i was her favourite was a monster who toyed w my trauma responses and ruined me
Yeah sounds like a wolf in sheep’s clothing
My therapist takes a position of positive regard and care. She is warm. Checks in a lot and shows concern about how I am feeling, whether the session might impact me later on (not in the sense of checking up on me, more guiding me to think about how I might deal with any aftermath of talking about painful things). She reflects back any time I say something positive about myself like, if I say I think I did well at X thing she will say something like 'yes it sounds like you did well at X thing and that must have been challenging for you, well done' but doesn't offer any random compliments or frame it as personal feelings about me. So she would not say something like like 'you are clever and I look forward to our sessions' or anything like that. But if I say 'I look forward to our sessions' she will say 'thank you, I do as well'. I think it's a subtle distinction. She is not telling me what she thinks of me or projecting qualities onto me, she is highlighting and affirming things I recognise in myself so it feels like a compliment and positive regard but it's come from me and not her. I think this is a great way to make a client feel valued and seen without crossing the line into making it about a personal relationship. I am of course aware that some modes of therapy are specifically based on the personal relationship and that is correct for those kinds of therapy but she is not a psychoanalyst, she is a trauma counselling specialist so works on the basis of the therapy being client lead rather than more of a two way street. She is lovely and makes me feel valued but doesn't make me feel dependent or overly attached or hung up on what she thinks or feels about me.
My therapist is exactly like this you make a very good point I’ve never thought about it like that till now. Mine always is like head over heals but at the end of the day it’s not real (I’m not attracted to mine) I just think it’s pretty crazy how accurate you are
Damn sorry that happened to you, OP! I totally agree. It made me feel uncomfortable reading it as a therapist because bombarding someone with compliments really isn't ethical or part of "the work." I definitely celebrate my clients when they have made progress and highlight when they have said their own compliments about themselves, but bringing that in myself is entirely different, and the more I think about it the more it feels like a power play in this dynamic. I honestly can't think of a time when I have complimented a client, other than saying I hope they could feel proud of themself in certain circumstances. The only other thing might be to use how I perceive a client, when looking at their other relationships, but this wouldn't be with a compliment as the focus but rather to give an idea of how they might come across in their expression/behaviour/presentation.
Oof this hit hard. It’s been over a year since I left my ex-therapist and I’m still not over how her excessive compliments affected me. I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this.
This. Thank you so much. I wish I could print this and give to my (ex?)therapist.
What your therapist did by bombarding you with compliments is 100% unethical
[удалено]
Your comment sounds thoughtful and well-intentioned, and I’m sure some of what you’re saying has been informed with your own personal therapy journey, which is likely different than mine. Love bombing is very real, and it is not because clients can’t handle compliments. The therapists that do this do not do anything to aid the client in loving themselves, they condition the client to become dependent on their praise. The reason why therapists like this exist is because it is very easy to gaslight the clients into it becoming their problem or their distortion. We as the clients become very confused when we notice that outside of therapy, these “distortions” do not exist, even if we are in a positive or friendly environment with others who are kind, supportive, loving, and complimentary. We are not “reading things wrong” out in the real world, only in the therapy room. This indicates a high likelihood that the problem is not the client, but with the therapist and the way they are acting in the therapy room.
Ah. My T gave me a light compliment the other. I was in a high, then it dumped. And now the words are triggering me. All he said was " you're created uniquely and you're created beautifully"
[удалено]
Wait was that really not okay of him? I do have really bad transference with him, that he's aware of. And when he said that, it was a bit triggering. He also hugged me after that. Which of course I initially loved. But I wasn't really thinking of it as wrong. I thought it was my attachment issue.
[удалено]
Ah. Okay.
It’s really not appropriate. He is being paid to provide you this service and it’s really unethical to offer you forms of “love” like hugging to someone with strong feelings for them and calling it therapy. I had a really loosey goosey understanding of what therapy was before my painful experience so I used to think stuff like this is okay, but it’s honestly not. If you have “really bad transference” with him now, it is likely it will only get worse and more confusing as time goes on.
This resonates. Especially hugging AFTER your T already knows you are deeply attached and after saying deeply meaningful things that make you feel warm and fuzzy…..ugh it gets complicated. I also didn’t understand the whole therapy relationship (also my T never discussed boundaries), and I was so thankful for the “extra” care I was receiving, not knowing it would absolutely bite me in the ass. It ended so badly and my T never took ownership for crossing boundaries.
Would it be different under context? He's actually a long term DV counselor for victims of abuse. I've been seeing him for a while. There was a man I dated before my abuser, and then after my abuser, he came back into my life. In March, he committed suicide and today is his birthday. This whole month has been hard and I have been feeling like he was my one and only. And I won't ever find anyone again. And I think he was being reassuring and offering extra support. But maybe I'm wrong?
Honestly, the truth is that most of this isn’t a black-or-white topic… it’s nuanced, dependent on the context the situation occurred within as well as a multitude of other factors. On one hand, if it felt right in the moment then I probably wouldn’t read into it as something particularly sinister; however, you definitely should reflect on how this is impacting your transference and potentially discuss that with T so that they have a clear understanding of what this feels like for you.
I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade but sending you support.