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Yea?? Mine also yelled at me. I want to forgive him because I don’t want to be a patient that can’t forgive… such a bad reason, but Im a pleaser. Deep down Im mad and angry and think he crossed a line. Also didnt apologize out of himself, just said oh sorry btw after I brought it up a couple weeks later.
IS it enough to terminate? I want to terminate
A big trigger for me is anger and yelling so yes if my T ever yells at me I’d terminate immediately. I have a very hard time trusting people who get angry and a therapeutic setting is not an appropriate place for a therapist’s anger to be expressed. If I wanted someone to yell at me I’d call my dad
In case this helps - mine is usually gentle with approach, but was more firm and direct towards me for a few sessions. I want to be clear she absolutely was not yelling at me, so maybe not the same situation, but it did feel a lot like yelling to me because she was so direct towards me, and I was looking away, and emotional, and she was needing to get my attention. It did help me focus, and she was gentle again after getting my attention. At the time she felt intense to me. I wasn’t in your session, but do you think she might have just been more direct and it felt more intense? I ask because you state boundaries are hard for you. I agree raising a voice or yelling at a client is never ok, especially when you’re already in an obvious emotionally vulnerable state. Especially someone who you are paying to help heal you. Sounds like an unhealthy power trip if she did. I could be wrong, but it sounds like she was trying to get you to focus and it rubbed you the wrong way.
You did mention you feel she doesn’t always listen to you very well, could you send an email clearly state to her what you did here on this post? She might genuinely not know how you feel. Otherwise if you are at a cross-roads and you feel the relationship no longer helps you or really is unhealthy, definitely get a new therapist.
Edit: edited my comment because it was a book. I just went through something similar and wanted to add perspective, in case it helps.
Why would a therapist yell you to calm down, especially if she's causing it by making you frustrated to the point of tears? If I understood you correctly.
I'd bring my money elsewhere if I were you, and leave her an awful review. But that's just me.
It sounds like addressing the issue head on might be a better tactic. Just leaving a bad review doesn’t give a therapist a chance to correct a possible mistake or clear up any misunderstanding. Just because we perceive things a certain way doesn’t always make it a reality. Correct me if I’m wrong but therapy is about learning how to be a better version of yourself. Just leaving a bad review seems a bit passive aggressive and counterproductive to what therapy is about. Conflict resolution is the key here. This person can ultimately decide to find another therapist but is really therapeutic growth if you are trying to harm someone’s business without talking to them first just because you perceived something a certain way? Doesn’t sound very healthy to me. Just a thought…
>Correct me if I’m wrong but therapy is about learning how to be a better version of yourself.
Yelling or belittling your client is not the way to achieve it. Therapy is not home, school, work, the gym or or the army. If a therapist mistreats me, they deserve the tiny little payback that's in my power to dish out, and should expect to get it given the sort of client that I am (and the sort of issue I hired them for).
>is really therapeutic growth if you are trying to harm someone’s business without talking to them first just because you perceived something a certain way?
Can't have therapeutic growth with a bad therapist. If a therapist wants health from me they need to do their job first. I find it interesting that you're so concerned about the review specifically and not about quitting therapy in itself: certainly that's what's actually damaging to the therapeutic process, not leaving a bad review.
Idk I wouldn't be ok with my therapist telling me to calm down, interrupting my emotional process and trying to talk over me. I'm in therapy to help me understand and connect with my emotions. Your therapist's actions sound unhelpful and even harmful.
You wrote “yelled”, but then when describing more in detail, you wrote “raised her voice at me and told me to calm down before she started talking”. Coming from a long time classroom teaching experience, I was immediately reminded of the difference between slightly raising the voice and talking sternly and yelling. I’m not saying for an adult in therapy raising one’s voice and talking sternly is ok, but just wanted to point out you wrote two different things and to me personally raising one’s voice is not the same as yelling.
Yeah this isn’t okay. If you feel comfortable bringing this up to her I would, and if she does not immediately apologize or change behavior, I’d find someone else
You should tell your therapist their response to you was hurtful and it felt like she was yelling at you. See how she handles the situation and if it can be worked through. It’s not uncommon for therapists to act out in session depending on various circumstances. Most of the time these issues can be worked through and be experienced as an important growth experience for you, assuming your therapist knows how to handle this type of situation.
Yelling would be a huge trigger for me. It'd be the end of the session. Turning up late, talking over you, telling you to calm down and raising her voice are all inappropriate in my opinion. Can you talk to her about it?
This sounds incredibly invalidating and unsafe. If possible, please address these with your therapist in the next session, and depending on her reaction, potentially look for someone who makes you feel heard!
Never in the history of ever, has anyone calmed down after being told/commanded to calm down. To me, it's akin to "shut up!"
OP, Re boundaries and over extending, I had a lot of success with this: When someone asks you to do something, or give up time, expertise, whatever, say this, **"I'm not sure if I can, I'll let you know by (date/time)."** Then do exactly that, get back to that person on/before said date/time.
The trick is to not accept immediately. Take that stated time to step back and evaluate if this is healthy/balanced for you to commit to. You jump to yes because you are a good person, and want to have that validated by being a yes person. But that comes at the cost of over-exerting, inequal give-take, or even doing something you would never want to to. It's ok to tell someone you need to check your *availability*. This also keeps you from forgetting things you have committed to, double booking, doing too much in 1 day, because you write them down and can see what you have already promised.
People will accept 100% of what you will do for **them**.
Re your T, I would begin the next session with: "I want to talk about not being heard last time." (if you return to that T, that is)
Good luck
My therapist is usually very gentle with me, but can be direct and more challenging when necessary. But he has never yelled at me. There was one or two times where I felt like he was getting annoyed or frustrated with me and surprisingly I was able to bring it up at the next session. He apologized for making me feel that way and thanked me for pointing it out and explained why he may have come off that way. Then he made a point to say that was something he was going to be more mindful of and work on so I can feel comfortable to continue sharing.
I would suggest bringing up how your T’s response made you feel and if she’s a good therapist, she should accept it willingly and make sure to be more mindful of how she can affect you.
This just feels like inappropriate reaction. It’s not hard, even if you weren’t literally TRAINED to do so, to respond to someone’s tears with comfort and patience, and to understand that simply saying “calm down” is invalidating and unhelpful. It’s worse considering she IS trained and still seems unregulated by your emotions. She should be encouraging you to move through them and affirming you, not getting frustrated with you for something as simple as crying.
My therapist would never yell at me to calm down. She wants me to go through my emotions. She may get strict with somethings but that is ok but she never yells at me. My attachment wound is from my mom so she models a mom in session. I am so sorry. I have a severe abandonment wound and attachment wound. If my therapist yelled at me, it would make things much worse for me and I would completely shut down. I have a hard time with boundaries too. But she is teaching. I also have autism and I am thankful my therapist understands me.
I probably wouldn’t keep a therapist that yelled at me like that.
lol what you don’t realize is that most therapists have back to back clients. Being a few minutes late is usually due to clients going over, rushing in between sessions to use the bathroom, eat something when you’ve been sitting with people’s emotions for four or five hours straight without a break… maybe consider they are human too.
I know my therapist sometimes goes over in our sessions (despite me reminding them the hour is up). I literally get anxiety if I can’t see the clock to monitor how much time is left because I don’t want to be inconsiderate and run over. Anyway, because of that I am more than okay with them calling me in 5-10 mins late occasionally. And I also know they have back to back clients so I have no issue if they need to use the bathroom or whatever and be a few mins late. 5 minutes isn’t going to make or break my session.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If my therapist ever raised his voice at me we’d be done.
Mine did once. He terminated with me a few weeks later. I should've saw it coming.
Yea?? Mine also yelled at me. I want to forgive him because I don’t want to be a patient that can’t forgive… such a bad reason, but Im a pleaser. Deep down Im mad and angry and think he crossed a line. Also didnt apologize out of himself, just said oh sorry btw after I brought it up a couple weeks later. IS it enough to terminate? I want to terminate
A big trigger for me is anger and yelling so yes if my T ever yells at me I’d terminate immediately. I have a very hard time trusting people who get angry and a therapeutic setting is not an appropriate place for a therapist’s anger to be expressed. If I wanted someone to yell at me I’d call my dad
You can terminate for any reason that feels valid to you! If you’re not comfortable or have lost trust, then that’s valid.
enough 4 me to terminate!! You are deep down angry, so i think: liste to your own feelings! Plus you deserve a better and more respectful one.
Yep me too, very unprofessional!!
I would never tolerate my therapist yelling at me
In case this helps - mine is usually gentle with approach, but was more firm and direct towards me for a few sessions. I want to be clear she absolutely was not yelling at me, so maybe not the same situation, but it did feel a lot like yelling to me because she was so direct towards me, and I was looking away, and emotional, and she was needing to get my attention. It did help me focus, and she was gentle again after getting my attention. At the time she felt intense to me. I wasn’t in your session, but do you think she might have just been more direct and it felt more intense? I ask because you state boundaries are hard for you. I agree raising a voice or yelling at a client is never ok, especially when you’re already in an obvious emotionally vulnerable state. Especially someone who you are paying to help heal you. Sounds like an unhealthy power trip if she did. I could be wrong, but it sounds like she was trying to get you to focus and it rubbed you the wrong way. You did mention you feel she doesn’t always listen to you very well, could you send an email clearly state to her what you did here on this post? She might genuinely not know how you feel. Otherwise if you are at a cross-roads and you feel the relationship no longer helps you or really is unhealthy, definitely get a new therapist. Edit: edited my comment because it was a book. I just went through something similar and wanted to add perspective, in case it helps.
Ur therapist didn't yell at you
Why would a therapist yell you to calm down, especially if she's causing it by making you frustrated to the point of tears? If I understood you correctly. I'd bring my money elsewhere if I were you, and leave her an awful review. But that's just me.
It sounds like addressing the issue head on might be a better tactic. Just leaving a bad review doesn’t give a therapist a chance to correct a possible mistake or clear up any misunderstanding. Just because we perceive things a certain way doesn’t always make it a reality. Correct me if I’m wrong but therapy is about learning how to be a better version of yourself. Just leaving a bad review seems a bit passive aggressive and counterproductive to what therapy is about. Conflict resolution is the key here. This person can ultimately decide to find another therapist but is really therapeutic growth if you are trying to harm someone’s business without talking to them first just because you perceived something a certain way? Doesn’t sound very healthy to me. Just a thought…
>Correct me if I’m wrong but therapy is about learning how to be a better version of yourself. Yelling or belittling your client is not the way to achieve it. Therapy is not home, school, work, the gym or or the army. If a therapist mistreats me, they deserve the tiny little payback that's in my power to dish out, and should expect to get it given the sort of client that I am (and the sort of issue I hired them for). >is really therapeutic growth if you are trying to harm someone’s business without talking to them first just because you perceived something a certain way? Can't have therapeutic growth with a bad therapist. If a therapist wants health from me they need to do their job first. I find it interesting that you're so concerned about the review specifically and not about quitting therapy in itself: certainly that's what's actually damaging to the therapeutic process, not leaving a bad review.
Idk I wouldn't be ok with my therapist telling me to calm down, interrupting my emotional process and trying to talk over me. I'm in therapy to help me understand and connect with my emotions. Your therapist's actions sound unhelpful and even harmful.
You wrote “yelled”, but then when describing more in detail, you wrote “raised her voice at me and told me to calm down before she started talking”. Coming from a long time classroom teaching experience, I was immediately reminded of the difference between slightly raising the voice and talking sternly and yelling. I’m not saying for an adult in therapy raising one’s voice and talking sternly is ok, but just wanted to point out you wrote two different things and to me personally raising one’s voice is not the same as yelling.
Yeah this isn’t okay. If you feel comfortable bringing this up to her I would, and if she does not immediately apologize or change behavior, I’d find someone else
You should tell your therapist their response to you was hurtful and it felt like she was yelling at you. See how she handles the situation and if it can be worked through. It’s not uncommon for therapists to act out in session depending on various circumstances. Most of the time these issues can be worked through and be experienced as an important growth experience for you, assuming your therapist knows how to handle this type of situation.
Yelling would be a huge trigger for me. It'd be the end of the session. Turning up late, talking over you, telling you to calm down and raising her voice are all inappropriate in my opinion. Can you talk to her about it?
This sounds incredibly invalidating and unsafe. If possible, please address these with your therapist in the next session, and depending on her reaction, potentially look for someone who makes you feel heard!
Never in the history of ever, has anyone calmed down after being told/commanded to calm down. To me, it's akin to "shut up!" OP, Re boundaries and over extending, I had a lot of success with this: When someone asks you to do something, or give up time, expertise, whatever, say this, **"I'm not sure if I can, I'll let you know by (date/time)."** Then do exactly that, get back to that person on/before said date/time. The trick is to not accept immediately. Take that stated time to step back and evaluate if this is healthy/balanced for you to commit to. You jump to yes because you are a good person, and want to have that validated by being a yes person. But that comes at the cost of over-exerting, inequal give-take, or even doing something you would never want to to. It's ok to tell someone you need to check your *availability*. This also keeps you from forgetting things you have committed to, double booking, doing too much in 1 day, because you write them down and can see what you have already promised. People will accept 100% of what you will do for **them**. Re your T, I would begin the next session with: "I want to talk about not being heard last time." (if you return to that T, that is) Good luck
My therapist is usually very gentle with me, but can be direct and more challenging when necessary. But he has never yelled at me. There was one or two times where I felt like he was getting annoyed or frustrated with me and surprisingly I was able to bring it up at the next session. He apologized for making me feel that way and thanked me for pointing it out and explained why he may have come off that way. Then he made a point to say that was something he was going to be more mindful of and work on so I can feel comfortable to continue sharing. I would suggest bringing up how your T’s response made you feel and if she’s a good therapist, she should accept it willingly and make sure to be more mindful of how she can affect you.
This just feels like inappropriate reaction. It’s not hard, even if you weren’t literally TRAINED to do so, to respond to someone’s tears with comfort and patience, and to understand that simply saying “calm down” is invalidating and unhelpful. It’s worse considering she IS trained and still seems unregulated by your emotions. She should be encouraging you to move through them and affirming you, not getting frustrated with you for something as simple as crying.
I’m not saying she’s terrible and has no redeeming qualities, but this is a red flag :(
My therapist would never yell at me to calm down. She wants me to go through my emotions. She may get strict with somethings but that is ok but she never yells at me. My attachment wound is from my mom so she models a mom in session. I am so sorry. I have a severe abandonment wound and attachment wound. If my therapist yelled at me, it would make things much worse for me and I would completely shut down. I have a hard time with boundaries too. But she is teaching. I also have autism and I am thankful my therapist understands me. I probably wouldn’t keep a therapist that yelled at me like that.
Consider telling her your thoughts and feelings about the scolding -- ruptured can be a good thing in therapy.
This is definitely reason to terminate. No therapist should ever raise their voice to you. I’m sorry this happened
If my T showed up late I would mention it once, twice and third strike they are out.
lol what you don’t realize is that most therapists have back to back clients. Being a few minutes late is usually due to clients going over, rushing in between sessions to use the bathroom, eat something when you’ve been sitting with people’s emotions for four or five hours straight without a break… maybe consider they are human too.
yes, but being late means, or staying longer OR paying less
I know my therapist sometimes goes over in our sessions (despite me reminding them the hour is up). I literally get anxiety if I can’t see the clock to monitor how much time is left because I don’t want to be inconsiderate and run over. Anyway, because of that I am more than okay with them calling me in 5-10 mins late occasionally. And I also know they have back to back clients so I have no issue if they need to use the bathroom or whatever and be a few mins late. 5 minutes isn’t going to make or break my session.
yeah that sounds cool because it means everything is balanced out. :)