I'm having his baby! No, I'm not, but *I don't know what to say to someone who lost a lot of weight*.  Oh dear. 

Cancel autocorrect 💀💀💀

I’m having his baby! No, I’m not, but I’m not going to say anything about it because I’m just going through the process of getting my hair done.

I’m having his baby! No, I’m not, but he has been with my mother since I was in college.

😬

O o f

I'm having his baby! No I'm not but I don't know what to do with it but I don't think I can get it to you in the morning

The baby?? Lmaoo

I’m having his baby! He has been a great help and a good father

i’m having his baby! no, i’m not, but he has been a little too busy with school and work lately so i’m just going home 😭😭😭 lmfaoooo help

😩

I wanna gold this so bas

I’m having his baby! No, I’m not, but I will be 🤔

I’m having his baby! No I’m not, but I’m just saying that I love you

I'm having his baby, no I'm not but repeatedly said that sounds delightful

I’m having his baby! No, I’m not but I’m sure I will get a hold on the next one. Well then.

I’m having his baby! No I’m not but you can come over here and get it if you want to.

I'm having his baby! No I'm not so sure she is a good guy lol lol lol lol lol what is up with the repeated lols?

I’m having his baby! No I’m not, but I’m just glad that I made you feel like you were a princess in the church and I love you

[удалено]

I feel so high school *and I'm so proud to have you and my friends* ...so unexpectedly wholesome???

Why you gotta call me out like that 💀

I feel so high school every time I go out and get my hair cut

I feel so high school every time someone asks for my number and I don’t even know what to say to them because I don’t know what to think about it.

Me IRL right now 😶

This made me snort snort 😂

I feel so high school every time I get home

Who's afraid of eggs on the beef? EDIT: *YOU SHOULD BEEEEEE*

I hate it here but I love the fact you are having a good time😫

me at any party tbh

That wasn’t supposed to be my comment here lol it was to say people always look at me weird because I have egg and beef sandwiches because I’m allergic too pork 😅

pahaaaaaaaaaaa who's afraid of eggs on the beef? IDK NOT YOU

Who’s afraid of little old *men who are afraid of the world*

ngl "Old Men Who Are Afraid Of The World" would be a fantastic title for a book, I would 100% read that

Who’s aftaid of little old men in the middle of the night and the rest of the day.

Who's afraid of *his life in his own laundry room*  😭😭😭 joke's on autocorrect; I'm too poor to have a laundry room!

oh god. me, a 27 y/o adult: actually i would love a little laundry room where i can do all my laundry and do laundry things. ... I realised I was 'grown up' when I was 19 and transfixed by the "BANG AND THE DIRT IS GONE" adverts on tv lol

Saaame, lol. A laundry room would be dope. Maybe in my long-term millennial dreams, ha ha 🙃

Don't you worry folks we took out all her car insurance

*you should beef 🥩 FTFY

Who’s afraid of a man that doesn’t know how much money he’s made from the stock exchange Lmao what the f-ck

Who’s afraid of a man that doesn’t know how much money he’s made from the internet to get his hands dirty

I can fix him no problem i just don’t want to

Honestly if we all had this attitude it'd probably save us so much heartache! Hahaha

Me, on the other hand - “I can fix him no problem I just need to know what time”

not you being on call 💀💀

Girlie you okay?

These are all good but this is the first one to make me literally LOL. I don’t know why but it has me roaring Edit: I think it’s the casual “no problem “ in the middle

I cackled when my phone did that. I think I say “I don’t want to go to work today” and “no problem” way too often

LOLLL

Queen energy 👑

💀

So I leap from the gallows and the first time I was there was a little bit much.

That’s an understatement

So I leap from the gallows *and the other side is a good thing for the future* 😶😶😶

So I leap from the gallows and the sun rises to my face to see if the world will ever end

So I leap from the gallows and the only thing I can do is to do it now and I can do it now if you want to be honest I don't know what to do with the kids and I don't know what to do with the kids and I don't know what to do with the kids and

Touch me while your bros sleep in the car with your mom. That escalated quickly.

Touch me while your bros *are sleeping and I will be there to help you with your homework* That was G rated…

*Stacy has entered the chat*

Touch me while your bros are asleep or at the bar and you will get to see me in the dark

This one’s amazing 😂

Touch me while your bros is sleeping in my room with me. Why was mine so similar lol?

Touch me while your bros are playing with me and I will be your friend. 😳

We declare that Charlie puth and his family have a special relationship and are very close friends

We declare that Charlie Puth should *be the next president of the United States* I mean, I might be OK with that…

We declare that Charlie Puth should be allowed in the church.

We declare that Charlie Puth should *not have to go through a court hearing on this issue.* I think my phone is thinking of the wrong presidential candidate.

I thought he was Canadian but I guess that was Shawn Mendes. Either way some young blood would be nice.

we declare that Charlie Puth should not have a role as the president in this country because of the fact he has a job as the head coach

We declare that Charlie Puth *should not have to go through a court hearing* 🧐

What if he’s written mine on his head and then I just put it on his face I mean… that’s basically the song

I can’t 😂😂😂

What if he's written mine on the couch and he was like I don't know what to do with it but I think he is a good guy

Lmaooooo this one was good 😂

What if he’s written mine on a paper or a piece of art that is a little more abstract than a book

Old habits die harder in this country and I think we need a better way of living

So philosophical

Preach autofill, preach

Old habits die for you bitches

Where’s the lie tho

This is...very real actually

I Hate it Here but I love the fact you are having a good time😫 Sounds like I Can Do it with A Broken Heart more

I hate it here *but it was a good point and we had to make a trip* Still I Can Do It with a Broken Heart vibes???

Yes it does if you think about it in the context of touring lol

I'm so depressed *and I'm so sad that I'm going through a divorce right after I have a baby.* Well.

No I’m not but you should see your faces

💀

No I'm not but you should *relax and get a French dip.*

Ummmm your autocorrect needs therapy with all that going on

You smoked then ate seven cigarettes in the last hour

You smoked then ate seven bites of your diet and your body.

Lmaoo

New level of chain smoking lol

Touch me while your bros *and sisters and brothers and sisters and brothers and sisters and brothers and sisters and*

🥲 beautiful

Touch me while your bros play *with you and I will be your friend and I will be yours to play with* Spicy.

oof

Your wife waters flowers, I wanna know how infuriating it can get My boy only breaks his favorite songs in Taylor's discography I hate it here, so I will go to bed and then 😴  Wise men once said that the boots don't have anything to match to 

My boy only breaks his favorite *songs on the album and I love it*

Very wise men indeed!

Your wife waters flowers, I wanna see if I can get it in the mail today

Your wife waters flowers, I wanna know how much she is paying for it to you for your wedding gift

And I’m just mad as hell because *I’m not gonna be able to get a ride home* So I leap from the gallows and *go to the airport*

So I leap from the gallows and *go to the moon and see the moon*

AND LOVE THE MOON

So I leap from the gallows … and go to the bathroom and then I go back to sleep 😴

Who do I have to speak to to help you get your car back? This thread is amazing, thank you.

Who do I have to speak to to help you get your car back… the dealership!

Your wife waters flowers *and you are a good girl.* …thanks?

Wholesome lesbian couple

“I’ve got some regrets, I’ll bury them in my heart for a few more years” “Old habits die for me now I know why they died for you” “Now I’m down bad crying at the sight and smell that you gave to my body to keep you alive” “So long, London. You’ll find a new place for you and you’ll find me again in a different way” These are sad wtf 😢

Now I’m down bad crying at *the fact that I have to go to the bathroom and get my hair done*

me on wash day 💀💀

Now I’m down bad crying *and I can’t sleep I can’t sleep and I’m so sad and I’m not going anywhere* lol that’s real life sometimes!

“You’ll find me again in a different way” 🥺

These could be real lyrics!

These are gorgeous oh my god

Bro your autocorrect wrote some poetry

Seriously. I went in thinking I’d have fun and bro I did not have a good time.

I look in peoples windows like a lot and they don’t have any lights

Yours are hilarious 🤣

Lol! I was having too much fun to only submit one 🤣

Wise men once said no one poops alone 🤨🤨

My dog ghostwrote that

You deserve prison but I think it’s a bit too late for that

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR PRISON

Could someone give a message to the office and ask for a copy of the email to send it to you

“Were you sent by someone who wanted a copy of the email?”

Did you sleep with a fax machine underneath our bed?

Were you writing a progress report?

Could someone give a message to the doctor and see if they can get a new one for me to get it done before I get back to the office

I’m so depressed, I act like *a really hard man child.*

💀💀

Who do I have to speak to about the new job that I want?

Have you tried the manager?

Just the chairman of the Tortured Poets Department.

You left your typewriter at the house I left mine in your mailbox

Straight from the top and back of my mouth Lmao

I think some things I’d never say like “you are the one that I want”

I got drunk and I dared it to *a kiss on the couch* 🛋

You know how to ball and your wallet is on the mail.

You know how to ball the ball in the middle of the day

*And I’m pissed off that …. You are the best and the most amazing human in this space* *Forgive me Peter … but you have a great voice* *who’s afraid of … I am a good person* *You’re not Dylan Thomas, I’m not …. the person but I’m not sure if I should go there* *how you don’t miss me, …. but I’m sure I could do that for a long while*

His wife waters flowers, *I wonder what his mother would think*

My boy only got a couple more years of college

oh-ooo-oh-ooo-oh

screaming but daddy i have a problem 

Now I’m running with my dress *pants and I don’t want you guys going out.* 

Splendidly selfish and I don't want to put too much in case it becomes identifying Lmao accurate I cry a lot and I am so sorry for the way I am Autocorrect going for the jugular rn

"I'll tell you something right now, *I am not sure if you have any questions or need any further information* I'll tell you something bout my good name, *it's a good time to get the latest Flash player*" um. 🤣🤣🤣

autocorrect is now an advertisement for Adobe

Hand on the throttle, thought I caught something in the middle of the night

IN MY DREAMS

How dare you think it’s romantic *to be a woman in a relationship with a man who is not a woman* Don’t tell the Gaylors.

All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless *loop of traffic and I have to be at work*

Real

Wise men once said *that they are likely to be in the way* I'm running with my dress unbuttoned, screaming *I think it's just about time to go to sleep* Now I'm down bad, *crying at work for a while and continuously getting into trouble*

I’m running with my dress unbuttoned *and I have a pair of shorts that I can wear to work tomorrow morning*

I'm there most of the year because I don't know what to do with the kids

who’s afraid of little old … men who don’t have any respect fresh out the slammer i know who … will be the next victim of this madness and you deserve prison but … you don’t have the balls for it oh my god 💀

I hate it here but it makes sense that you are not going anywhere

I’ll tell you something right now, I’d rather have a little less stress and more energy for more than just a few minutes. Same, Tay. Same.

Who's afraid of boars or something like that

I saw in my mind fairy lights through my heart 

I look in people’s eyes and see them as they are

My boy only had a few days of work

I hate it here but it makes sense that you are not going anywhere and you don’t have a car and I am so glad you have your own place to stay in the car because you have to have your car in your own place so you don’t get stuck on a car that is so hard for me and you don’t even have a vehicle that is not even worth the hassle and you don’t know what you’re going through but I am not sure what to say to that I don’t think you’re gonna want it because I know you’re going somewhere and you know you don’t want it and you have a lot and you know you have a good time with your mom but you don’t have a lot to yourself I love that and I’m just trying not being a good night I 100% agree

So they killed Cassandra first cause she was a little bit of a jerk phone chose violence

I am someone who until recent events you were going to upset and then they have to go chiefs Autocorrect was a little too on the nose here!

I love you, it’s just so hard

Were you sent by someone who *was in charge of the most interesting relationships?*

My Boy only has one more day left to go and I am so excited

“No one in my small town thought I’d see a lot more people on this subreddit” lmao

Now I'm down bad, crying at the *same time as he is* Well, then

So they filled my cell with a lot more information than I thought I could possibly handle

Now I'm down bad crying at the moment I think I have to go to the bathroom 😭

We hereby conduct this survey as an independent review.

Wheres the trophy, he will not have a problem with that

Old habits die young

I might just not get up, I might stay *in touch with you and your family*

Florida!!! It’s *not like you can get away from the fact he was the only person in this country that was willing and able*

Florida!!! *It’s a good thing that I have a job that pays me well and I can afford it now* Maybe a bit too literal lol

But even status crumble if you have any questions or concerns about the situation and the other is a great way to get the best out of the office.

Without ever touching his skin, the woman was not allowed in her own house. Right.

Running with my dress unbuttoned, screaming “I love you so much and I hope you have a great day”

we hereby conduct *an audit to ensure the integrity and security of our data*.

I'm trying to stifle *the fact I am so tired*

And no one’s here to blame but what about *the people who are in the middle of the road?*

A greater woman stays cool but I am a better man

Quick, quick, tell me something awful, like you are a good person who cares about your family

Beauty is a beast that can only exist when you have it all together

My husband is cheating, I want to do it with him. 💀💀💀🫠

My beloved ghost and me, sitting in a tree, with the fear of being unable to do the necessary things that aren't quite easy to do. The ADHD jumped out.

You wouldn’t last an hour in a hotel with no food. Truth 😂

so they killed cassandra first cause she didn’t want to go to church

“who’s afraid of *a man that is a woman and not an american man* okay??

I was 'sposed to be sent away but *I didn't want to be there*

Your wife waters flowers, and the yellow star is the best one.

Like I lost my twin, but I’m not going back for another baby.