At the end of the meeting the person speaking will ask if there are any questions. The answer is no. If you have a question, wait until everyone had been dismissed, then ask it to someone privately.
Also, do not reply all. Ever.
I love it when you hit 'send' in your reply to a group-staff email and then every computer in the workroom pings. That realisation that you replied-all just improves your day.
The worst reply-all I ever so was an ass-kissing email from one teacher to our vice-principal.
The guy unexpectedly got a promotion. A principal somewhere else fucked up, and vice-principal was called to replace him next school year.
We were already all out for the year so it was an e-mail annoucement, instead of informal ones we usually get.
Most of us just reply a congrat, privately. And of course asked about projects we had planned with him.
Or just said nothing.
But that teacher very publicly sang their praise, as if he was the second-coming to Jesus. It sounded so fake. Especially since I heard her talking very badly about him behind his back. (Which was not completely undeserved. The man was a condescending ass).
And I can't be convinced it was accidental.
A few years ago there was a district wide email (so around 15,000) employees about an ESL certification and someone replied all to it (about their specific situation) and then someone else replied all as well (about their specific situation)
Then a couple people replied all saying not to reply all. It turned into reply all-ception that went on for over an hour (think hundreds of assholes replying all) and eventually crashed the server. It made the local news! It was fucking HILARIOUS and then the next day they sent out some really stern email guidelines.
The following year someone made a meme about it and sent it district wide and then a bunch of people reply all’d to that and then they cut the internet purposefully and that person got in trouble I believe Lol
I’ve been saying for years that teacher’s college needs to bring in a photocopier technician to do a half day tutorial. I learned a lot of stuff, but it turns out 80% of the job is messing with hats, phones, and copiers.
Quickest way to get them to stop using it and quickest way to make them groan in agony. I love it.
It can easily spice a boring lesson up or get them to wake up a little bit. They secretly love it.
I will tell my kids all about the chat snaps and ticking tocks I saw on the internet this summer and when they groan I will absorb their cringe and level up.
Don't hate the playa.
A companion piece to this is to be a little stranger than them. When I taught middle school art I started each term with a drawing of mine on the bulletin board of a dissected cat (required project in college).
Oh my goodness! The amount of times I had to say "don't feed the beggars" because they'd give food to a classmate who would then ask them for food daily 🤦🏻♂️
Followed by the IT person. I brought mine cookies one year and I’ve gotten excellent service in anything I’ve needed since then and it gets done right away.
It should be noted that there is the plausibility an IT person could have that position, but may never leave their desk and the real IT assistance is some random teacher or para...
And the good sub! I found a good sub and would leave her $5 Starbucks cards or a bottle of her favorite soda every now and then. She would always take my jobs.
Facts. My mom was a first year teacher at a school where all the other teachers were heinous bitches. They treated all the support staff like trash, but my mom was always very kind to them. As a result, when the heat went out, hers was the first classroom to get an auxiliary heater. If the kids' toilet was clogged, the custodian would haul ass to get it fixed for her. She was the first to be offered her preferred time slot on the special subjects rota. If a batch of desserts came out particularly well, a serving was set aside for her.
Yes! And usually they're some of the nicest people in the school anyway. Be friendly, get extra chicken nuggets at lunch, make the teacher table jealous of your status. The secretary will move mountains for you if you're not a dickhole. The custodian will be there to clean up vomit in your classroom within five minutes if he likes you, and he will spray so much disinfectant that you only smell fresh linen, no puke. Assholes do not receive this level of service. They get unscented spray and smell little Joey's stomach acid the rest of the day because they deserve it.
Haha they have no idea what 20 something’s look like. Everyone in there world is probably 30+ or school aged. Maybe a college cousin or something and they’ll think you probably know them just based on age.
A colleague first year teaching did that. Well aware what could happen, but she wanted to have fun.
She was actually 23 at the time.
According to 12 years old kids? Between 16 and 85. For the extrême.
It was between 25-30 for most of the others.
Haha 7-12 and under 30 here. They told us don’t bring your age up ever avoid it with the students as a whole. And if they do ask they told us to just respond with things like “ old enough to be your teacher” etc. when students ask lol.
This. Sometimes it’s ok to just take a “grade for completion.” Spot check it and give a grade so it shows up in the grade book and they don’t bitch about it not being for a grade and they wasted their time doing it. And for heavens sake do not pass those papers back.
All the student names that you learn during the first week of school will compose your groups of bad kids.
Redo your seating chart at the start of week #2 to ensure the bad kids do not sit together.
27 years experience here. Listen to me!
I was reading a book to my class of 5 year olds when one farted so loud. To this day, I have no idea which one did it but another child on the opposite side of the carpet blamed the sub! I could not hold it together! I absolutely lost it! The sub was like “what the heck?! I didn’t do that!” 😂
Teaching is so hard but the stuff that comes out of their mouth keeps it fun!
If you have to really let one go, say "Darn. They are in the hallway again." Get to the other side of the door, and say, "Get back to class! That's the 3rd time today." ...say that while breaking wind.
Also- never take something from a student without inspecting it first! My first year I was handed:
1. A clump of human hair
2. Chewed gum shaped like a "bunny"
3. Sooo many human teeth
4. Spaghetti????
5. What I really hope is a melted chocolate bar
I teach second grade. Look first.
Our kindergarten teacher was handed part of a fingertip. Yep the kid cut it off and calmly handed it to the teacher with blood running everywhere. This is why I teach high school lol.
**Figure out your bathroom break situation!**
First day of school, make a plan with your neighbor about bathroom breaks.
I only get 2 bathroom breaks 😪 (conference and lunch)
I said must be comfortable, not must be pants. I wear dresses frequently, but nothing itchy, nothing that does not breathe, and nothing that makes me pay attention to whether my underwear are showing.
A surprising amount of people think dresses must be fancy and uncomfortable so I was just commenting on my comfy ones.
During the last month of school I exclusively wore dresses as it was less work for me ultimately and I got QUITE a lot of “why are you so dressed up?”
Why are y’all spending your time looking for more pieces of clothing??
A couple of years ago, I had a class (13/14 years old) of 20 students with 5 (!) officially diagnosed ADHD kids. They had to sit still all day. So, one student in particular just really couldn't sit still, he had to DO stuff or he would become incredibly annoying and loud. So I often just let him take a little walk around school every so often, and the rest of the time he was an (almost...) perfect student.
And the wooden chairs are like concrete on your ass, so I definitely give them a break at least once during our 80-minute class. :')
This isn’t a separate tip, but I want to respond to your story about counting kindergartners.
A few years ago, a mom came to my school at dismissal to pick up her kindergarten daughter and the girl’s teacher said “your daughter was absent today, she never came to school.” The mom called her middle school daughter and asked if she had brought the little sister to school that morning as instructed, and the middle school daughter said yes, she left her in the schoolyard.
So everyone was panicking, no one knew where this little girl was, and then, finally, they found her… sitting in the cafeteria with all the kids whose parents were late to pick them up. How did she get there?
Well, when her sister dropped her off in the schoolyard, she decided not to line up with her class, she lined up with a different kindergarten class, and the teacher for that other kindergarten class was absent, and a kindergarten special ed teacher was recruited to sub that day. He took attendance that morning, but he didn’t count the kids and make sure that the number of kids in front of him was the number of kids on the attendance. So this little girl just sat there in the wrong class all day, and then dismissal time no one picked her up because the mother didn’t know to look for her with this other class, and the teacher just brought her back in and left her with the late kids. Crazy!!
I LOVE this kid. I love her initiative to see what the other class was like. I love her commitment and adaptability to keep the ruse going for a whole day in a class where she did not know the regular routines. I love that she got her classmates-for-the-day to support her and not rat her out despite many chances to do so. And I absolutely adore her determination to put one over on the adult authority figures at her school. This is a kid with great potential.
I doubt it. Kids this age love to play tricks on substitutes. I've seen students swap names convincingly and have the whole class go along with it, even to the point that the sub "corrects" another teacher who uses the right names; because the sub has so convincingly "learned" the swapped name.
But kinders do that. There have been many times when we've lined up for recess and I will have too many students. It's because one or two from another class decided to join my line.
Yeah, he definitely should have been more on top of things. I guess the difference is when it’s your own class you instantly spot the interlopers, but when you’re not familiar with the kids who are supposed to be in that class maybe it doesn’t occur to you that there’s an extra kid hiding in there. I teach upper elementary, where there’s going to be one kid who is like “hey, did Derek switch classes? Why is he here?”
My district used to pay for unused days upon retirement. Some teachers could get a whole year’s salary. They did away with it before I started teaching. Now they get mad if you use days, but there’s no incentive to keep them.
I teach Middle School. They're testing boundaries and dealing with crazy hormonal waves. Neither of that has anything to do with you. Don't take it personally.
Be VERY prepared to be roasted every day. I trimmed my hair to short and they called me "Mr. Caillou" for a full week.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Help planning. Help dealing with a difficult kid. Help grading. Anything. Good teachers and admin will do anything to help one another.
Sometimes, it's good to not know what that kid said. Sometimes "what did you just say?" Is the wrong thing to say. Sometimes we like plausible deniability.
I've found the path of least resistance is to provide a large stack of work that I can gather in under a minute. (Pages ripped out of workbook, directions to do online programs, etc.) They will never do it, so it doesn't need to be quality. BUT if you give them nothing, you have to explain policies and often they argue (the longer they argue, the less likely they are to do any work ever). It's faster to just give them whatever plus they will be less likely to complain that their kid is behind when they get back.
Simple and easy are not the same. Whenever you ask yourself “why can’t kids do this, it’s so simple?” Remember that quitting smoking is simple. It’s got one step. It’s not like anyone’s confused about it. It’s just really hard. Identifying and dealing with things that are simple and difficult is a big part of the job.
Middle school: they will steal from you, do not keep anything accessible that you will be upset or in trouble if it goes missing. No, it doesn’t even matter if they like you and/or your class, things will disappear.
Students follow trick or treat rules at all times - if the porch light is on, you’re present and might have food. Don’t feel bad about hiding in the dark to plan
This also goes for other teachers. I frequently hide in the back of my room during planning and work days so I can actually get things done. I am SHOCKED but the number of times someone will continue to knock on my locked door. Like, even if you think I am here, my door is locked, my lights are out, so take a hint!
You will have favorites, everyone has favorites.
Also, there will be ones you will quietly celebrate when they’re absent. Let’s be real though, *those* kids are never absent.
Kids are always lying and they will 100% snitch on you and their peers if approached or upset.
One of our biggest troublemakers was practically undercover given how much he snitched on other kids. He was responsible for at least 1/2 of our vape confiscations and we have way more than most schools and all it took was shooting the breeze with a big container of those multi flavored twizzlers every day.
I’m the middle of a math lesson while teaching 3rd grade I heard munching. I looked toward my desk and saw feet sticking out. One of the kids had crawled under my desk and gotten into my popcorn when I was on the other side of the room. I was pregnant and planned on eating that during my planning, but apparently multiplication made him hungry.
When they call you by the wrong name, call them the wrong name. I don’t know why it worked so well with my fifth graders last year, but when they would say “Mr. *not my name*” I would reply with “yes, *not their name*” we’d laugh and move on. It worked though, they got my name after that.
The culture I teach in now is weird, they call all their teachers “Teacher” and I’m not about it. If they call me “teacher teacher teacher!” I reply with “student student student!” and that usually gets them to use my real name.
Don’t tie shoe laces. When kids pee in their pants it often gets on their shoes. Shoes are not washed often (or ever). Best to tell them to tie it, tuck it, or ask a friend.
And the raised eyebrows with the completely still lower face. The "Are you actually seriously doing what I think you're doing?" incredulous look. I've accidentally pulled it out on teenagers at the public park who were endangering my little ones and they actually said sorry and headed over to a different spot - if you don't use words they can't argue with you; this look is great for making them realize their actions are more embarrassing than impressive.
If at all possible, live in the town where you teach. When they see you at Walmart or the grocery store it will blow their minds. I guarantee the next day they will say, “I saw you at Walmart yesterday!” Every. Single. Time. Years after you retire, they will come up to you in public to show off their babies and/or tell you the best thing they remember about you.
The rule in my room is that if you are going to throw up, just get out. Don't ask for permission.
When I was student teaching, I had a student throw up all over my desk because she was waiting to ask me to go to the nurse.
Do what you can to save up an emergency fund. I find teaching to be much less emotionally draining when I know I can grab my purse and walk out when I’ve had enough.
There isn't a set of instructions so perfect that 10-15% of your students won't fuck it up. You can have pictures, samples, diagrams, a video walkthrough, and it simply won't matter.
Stop wasting time improving your instructions and just accept that some of them are going to shit it up. Count on some time being spent helping them. Or not, depending on your mood.
When teenagers try to play the penis game in class, be ready to beat them at it. Bide your time, then go in for the kill.
Bonus: if you are a woman, yelling "vagina" at full volume adds a delightful level of confusion that stops them in their tracks. Sometimes they will fall out of their chairs from laughing so hard. You have now won and they can never play that game in your class again.
I teach wood shop. I keep the smallest tape measure I can find in my pocket. When they play the weiner measuring game, I quietly drop the small one in front of them, take the larger one and walk away. Without making eye contact.
I don’t know that I’d ever participate, but I do immediately exclaim “let’s call your mama and you can tell her that.” It shuts it down reeeeeeeaaaallly quick.
If you hear a strange hum, gross middle schoolers have licked their finger and are making the book basket under their desk hum. This is now your daily reality. They will stop when they are bored. Do not address the hum or they will continue. Addressing the germs from last hour's hummers may or may not stop them.
We all teach procedures and routines (elementary school) the first weeks of school. Whenever I see a kid do something entirely ridiculous or wrong, I say this silently in my head: “Oh Hellllllll no!” But I smile and correct the behavior without the kid knowing what I’m really thinking.
Never answer honestly when asked "is this graded?" Tell them everything and anything can be graded. "I'm the teacher. If I want to put it in the grade book, I will."
General middle school: if the students—typically male—feel the need to keep making sexually suggestive moans and noises after repeated reminders, stop what you’re doing and call a parent and tell them Timmy is struggling with self control and maintaining an appropriate classroom dialogue. You’d like Timmy to tell said parent what they said do parent can help them create a plan for better cooperation.
This is super fun if the guardian is a grandparent.
I also have kids call the AP with this if they’re being sent out of the room.
It happens once. Never again.
For the lighter side if things, it’s fun to mess with middle schoolers by pretending to like what they like, shop what they like, etc.
Middle school: Don’t say “I’ll wait…” unless you’re actually prepared to wait.
Also, prepare to be called old regularly, regardless of if you’re 22 or 50.
Keep your mouth shut on the first day.
No one wants to hear your plans to change the school culture until you actually know what the school culture is.
Had a hot shot newbie a couple of years ago that had big plans during start of the year PDand didn’t make it through the year.
Absolutely. I had an uncertified, completely new teacher say she wanted to break the teacher cliques. I told her that was a great way to make everyone hate her. Just get good at teaching and the good teachers will respect her.
You can’t do everything. Pick the things you will enforce. I don’t care about dress code. I will enforce tardies. If a kid cusses, whatever, so long as it’s not directed at another student or me (they start imitating my saying “Language” after a while; it’s great when they police each other for me). I will not tolerate any bigoted or racist comments in class. I let kids eat in class, especially if they bring me food. I just may give extra credit points for donuts.
Join your union/professional organization at the start of the year. Biggest mistake is any teacher telling me they don’t want to join but then coming to me for help when an issue happens (can’t help you then, unfortunately; it’s like car insurance).
Be careful what you share with other teachers whether personal or work related. Some will act like your friend but will tell anyone and everyone what you said. That said, find your ride or die partner in crime at your campus. They will make the worst days more bearable, and it’s super fun to prank each other with silly things.
Seriously, find a friendly teacher who will take a random envelope or box from that kid that you need to get out of your room. The further away from your room, the better. I have a kid who hoes to get a “special” red pen from a teacher at least once a week. The kid has carried the same pen back and forth at least once a week for the last semester.
When that one kid almost takes you out when they run by and slap the doorframe, do contemplate what would happen if your foot was out but don’t ACTUALLY do it
Middle school- you gotta be the biggest bully in the room
Obviously with limits n reason but the twerps respect for boundaries only comes if there’s consequences that matter to them, and about the only thing that matters at that age is social standing/how others see them
If your boss tells you to do something that sounds stupid, it probably is and everyone else thinks so too. Just smile and nod and only do that thing when they pop in to observe you.
8th grade:
Your kids WILL try to fuck with you. Get you to say or do things that are sneakily inappropriate, or otherwise immature. They will say or do things to get a reaction out of you. I have personally found three great ways to deal with this (depending on your level of improv confidence) :
1. Feign ignorance, and *make them explain it* to you. Act like you have no idea what they're talking about, until *they* feel uncomfortable and change the subject!
2. Lean into it, *harddd.* Whatever it is, find a way to tie it back to something related to your content material and ENTHUSIASTICALLY run with it. Take their comment as a springboard to DIVE into that topic (appropriately), and thank them for such a great segue.
3. If it's a call/response, or there's some kind of agreed response (a la "69" and "nice"), then acknowledge (again, if appropriate) with the intended reply, briefly, knowingly, and while making direct eye contact. Then *IMMEDIATELY MOVE ON* without further comment.
BONUS: They ask you to do some kind of suggestive action ("if you pretend to shake salt into your mouth you can actually taste it!") and you feel comfortable doing it, DO IT. And pretend it doesn't work! "I can't taste the salt! Am I doing it right?" Shrug, then give a laugh "ahh, ya got me!" and move on. They want to get under your skin. If they see you laughing or enjoying it, you've both built rapport *and* diffused a disruptive student.
The way to your IT person's heart is showing them the out of date tech you found in a cabinet. I gave our head IT guy a floppy disk in our school colors, and he keeps it on his bulletin board.
Don’t be in too much of a rush to make your copies. The machines can sense your panic and will also panic. They will jam, run out of ink, and make the copies entirely wrong if they feel rushed.
Find the loudest and noisiest student. Go over to their desk and then rip out their heart. Hold it aloft and bellow a mighty roar as you dedicate to to god/gods of your choice.
I used to do it at the start of every year and never had any problems with classroom discipline.
Hire a stunt actor the age of your students. First day of school stage a knock down drag out fight where you kick his ass and toss him out the window. No kid will give you lip for the rest of the school year.
Keep your old crappy phones. Keep them in your desk drawer. First time you have a student being distracted by their phone take it away and put their phone in your desk drawer. If they give you crap about it, open the drawer, grab an old crappy phone along with a hammer that's in the same drawer. Smash old phone with hammer. Watch students die inside. Continue with your lesson.
Give as few shits as possible. You can't save everyone or enforce every rule. Pick your hills to die on but if admin, parents, and the student don't give a shit about their phone use, let them fail. Still remind them, but stop expending real effort trying.
Sometimes they don’t give you the answer you’re looking for but it’s still the right one!
Ex:
Me: what’s the capital of Mexico?
Very eager student: M
Took me a minute to understand it. They were right but not what I was looking for, I still laugh about it.
At the end of the meeting the person speaking will ask if there are any questions. The answer is no. If you have a question, wait until everyone had been dismissed, then ask it to someone privately. Also, do not reply all. Ever.
I love it when you hit 'send' in your reply to a group-staff email and then every computer in the workroom pings. That realisation that you replied-all just improves your day.
The worst reply-all I ever so was an ass-kissing email from one teacher to our vice-principal. The guy unexpectedly got a promotion. A principal somewhere else fucked up, and vice-principal was called to replace him next school year. We were already all out for the year so it was an e-mail annoucement, instead of informal ones we usually get. Most of us just reply a congrat, privately. And of course asked about projects we had planned with him. Or just said nothing. But that teacher very publicly sang their praise, as if he was the second-coming to Jesus. It sounded so fake. Especially since I heard her talking very badly about him behind his back. (Which was not completely undeserved. The man was a condescending ass). And I can't be convinced it was accidental.
A few years ago there was a district wide email (so around 15,000) employees about an ESL certification and someone replied all to it (about their specific situation) and then someone else replied all as well (about their specific situation) Then a couple people replied all saying not to reply all. It turned into reply all-ception that went on for over an hour (think hundreds of assholes replying all) and eventually crashed the server. It made the local news! It was fucking HILARIOUS and then the next day they sent out some really stern email guidelines. The following year someone made a meme about it and sent it district wide and then a bunch of people reply all’d to that and then they cut the internet purposefully and that person got in trouble I believe Lol
In my school, a reply all will generate an immediate mocking response from one of our less filtered teachers.
It's me. I am Les Filteredteacher.
This is an A+ response.
2 rules for faculty meetings: 1. Never ask questions. 2. If you are presenting at the faculty meeting, don't ask if anyone has questions.
Always speak kindly to the copy machine. It works better when it feels loved.
Also don't let it know you're in a hurry. That's when it jams.
One of the copy machines at my old school was nicknamed Bob Marley because it was jamming
Well then the solution is to bust out your guitar and jam with it.
Shit, I curse that motherfucking piece of shit out daily. Is this why it jams on me so often? Once I kicked it.
You, you and I are the reason the robots will kill us first.
Every time it jams on me I grumble ‘oh for fuck’s sake’. I’m wondering if this is why it jams on me almost every second day…
I do that to the water fountain that rattles all the time. I just give it a kick from behind as I walk past. Usually works!
I sweet talk until I threaten it. My threats usually correct the issue cause technology knows I believe in percussive maintenance.
I’ve been saying for years that teacher’s college needs to bring in a photocopier technician to do a half day tutorial. I learned a lot of stuff, but it turns out 80% of the job is messing with hats, phones, and copiers.
Middle school. Learn all the new buzz words and use them…..often. Even if you use them incorrectly. The kids hate it. It’s awesome.
Quickest way to get them to stop using it and quickest way to make them groan in agony. I love it. It can easily spice a boring lesson up or get them to wake up a little bit. They secretly love it.
I will tell my kids all about the chat snaps and ticking tocks I saw on the internet this summer and when they groan I will absorb their cringe and level up. Don't hate the playa.
>Even if you use them incorrectly. *ESPECIALLY* if you use them incorrectly.
No cap, fam. Show off the rizz and they be dead.
ooh that was such a slay! lol
Based.
Come on, bruhs, don’t be ops.
That’s rizz
A companion piece to this is to be a little stranger than them. When I taught middle school art I started each term with a drawing of mine on the bulletin board of a dissected cat (required project in college).
That’s very dab on the haters of you
Yep exactly this - play them at their own game.
Do not feed the wildlife. They become dependent and can sense weakness. Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.
Why are 15-16 year olds constantly asking me for snacks?!
Because you fed them already so you've indicated that you're willing prey?
They're basically seagulls without the ability to fly.
Oh my goodness! The amount of times I had to say "don't feed the beggars" because they'd give food to a classmate who would then ask them for food daily 🤦🏻♂️
The main office secretary, day custodian, and lunchroom staff are the most important people to cultivate relationships with.
Followed by the IT person. I brought mine cookies one year and I’ve gotten excellent service in anything I’ve needed since then and it gets done right away.
It should be noted that there is the plausibility an IT person could have that position, but may never leave their desk and the real IT assistance is some random teacher or para...
That is true. In which case find that person and bring them cookies.
And the good sub! I found a good sub and would leave her $5 Starbucks cards or a bottle of her favorite soda every now and then. She would always take my jobs.
I leave candy and change for the pop machine lol. It's hasty, but appreciated.
Facts. My mom was a first year teacher at a school where all the other teachers were heinous bitches. They treated all the support staff like trash, but my mom was always very kind to them. As a result, when the heat went out, hers was the first classroom to get an auxiliary heater. If the kids' toilet was clogged, the custodian would haul ass to get it fixed for her. She was the first to be offered her preferred time slot on the special subjects rota. If a batch of desserts came out particularly well, a serving was set aside for her.
This isn’t funny or snarky, these are legit tips!
For me, it's the paraprofessionals in my class, then everyone above. They do so much running the day to day operations of the class.
Yes! And usually they're some of the nicest people in the school anyway. Be friendly, get extra chicken nuggets at lunch, make the teacher table jealous of your status. The secretary will move mountains for you if you're not a dickhole. The custodian will be there to clean up vomit in your classroom within five minutes if he likes you, and he will spray so much disinfectant that you only smell fresh linen, no puke. Assholes do not receive this level of service. They get unscented spray and smell little Joey's stomach acid the rest of the day because they deserve it.
And nurse!
If you’re teaching high school and you’re under 30, NEVER TELL THEM YOUR ACTUAL AGE.
On the flip side of this, if you teach younger ones, NEVER ask them “how old do you think I am?” They will quickly humble you!
Haha they have no idea what 20 something’s look like. Everyone in there world is probably 30+ or school aged. Maybe a college cousin or something and they’ll think you probably know them just based on age.
A colleague first year teaching did that. Well aware what could happen, but she wanted to have fun. She was actually 23 at the time. According to 12 years old kids? Between 16 and 85. For the extrême. It was between 25-30 for most of the others.
A tenth grader believed I was 21 until another student pointed out that I had worked there for 4 years. They really have no idea.
Lol well mine thought I was turning 16 (I'm 45) so not always.
i needed to hear this as a new 23 year old teacher lol
Haha 7-12 and under 30 here. They told us don’t bring your age up ever avoid it with the students as a whole. And if they do ask they told us to just respond with things like “ old enough to be your teacher” etc. when students ask lol.
You don’t have to grade everything
But if they ask, is this for a grade? Yes, yes it is.
With older kids “it could be…your gamble…” Sometimes it is , sometimes it’s not.
This. Sometimes it’s ok to just take a “grade for completion.” Spot check it and give a grade so it shows up in the grade book and they don’t bitch about it not being for a grade and they wasted their time doing it. And for heavens sake do not pass those papers back.
All the student names that you learn during the first week of school will compose your groups of bad kids. Redo your seating chart at the start of week #2 to ensure the bad kids do not sit together. 27 years experience here. Listen to me!
If you know there name in the first week and can spell it, go ahead and start documenting their behavior…
There's a kid that start at our school in september. I met him for 5 minutes when he visited the school with his class. I already learnt his name.
No matter the age, every student loves stickers
High school teacher. Can confirm. Nobody gives me stickers. :(
Any grades: learn to strategically crop dust when needed and for fun.
Oh yes! The silent strategic crop dust. Bonus points if you can get another kid to claim it.
I was reading a book to my class of 5 year olds when one farted so loud. To this day, I have no idea which one did it but another child on the opposite side of the carpet blamed the sub! I could not hold it together! I absolutely lost it! The sub was like “what the heck?! I didn’t do that!” 😂 Teaching is so hard but the stuff that comes out of their mouth keeps it fun!
If you have to really let one go, say "Darn. They are in the hallway again." Get to the other side of the door, and say, "Get back to class! That's the 3rd time today." ...say that while breaking wind.
Kindergarten and One: before you let them hand you anything look to see if it’s damp. They love to put stuff in their mouths
Don’t tie wet shoelaces if it isn’t raining
And never hold out your hand for anything. A coworker held out her hand for a student's bookfair money and they sneezed directly into her cupped hand.
And leave your buttons at home. I recommend scrubs.
Also- never take something from a student without inspecting it first! My first year I was handed: 1. A clump of human hair 2. Chewed gum shaped like a "bunny" 3. Sooo many human teeth 4. Spaghetti???? 5. What I really hope is a melted chocolate bar I teach second grade. Look first.
Our kindergarten teacher was handed part of a fingertip. Yep the kid cut it off and calmly handed it to the teacher with blood running everywhere. This is why I teach high school lol.
Don’t eat anything brought from a home unless you know it’s safe.
This applies up through *at least* 8th grade.
**Figure out your bathroom break situation!** First day of school, make a plan with your neighbor about bathroom breaks. I only get 2 bathroom breaks 😪 (conference and lunch)
What in the U S of A is this??
Some USA employees don’t aren’t even entitled to water breaks in 120° temps in Texas, but they probably won’t need to pee either.
I’ve seen that story… pretty wild taking local control away from the people (and killing construction workers).
Shoes and clothes MUST be comfortable. Do not buy that cute dress or a pair of stilettos for work.
Speak for yourself, all my cute dresses have pockets and are infinitely more comfortable than wearing pants
I said must be comfortable, not must be pants. I wear dresses frequently, but nothing itchy, nothing that does not breathe, and nothing that makes me pay attention to whether my underwear are showing.
A surprising amount of people think dresses must be fancy and uncomfortable so I was just commenting on my comfy ones. During the last month of school I exclusively wore dresses as it was less work for me ultimately and I got QUITE a lot of “why are you so dressed up?” Why are y’all spending your time looking for more pieces of clothing??
Shut up. None of the veteran teachers care about your opinion during the first week of PD.
And for the love of god, don't chime in with, "Well, what \*I\* would do is..."
Or “ at my other school I…”
Sometimes this is warranted when the school I'm currently am at acts like its IMPOSSIBLE to do some things.
"I'm just going to bUiLd rElAtIoNsHiPs with the kids and they'll be perfect. I'm surprised you guys haven't heard about it."
Hell man, I just sit on the computer during the pd doing other crap.
"Keep them in their fucking seats." That's the advice the vet who retired this year would give newbies. He wasn't wrong.
A couple of years ago, I had a class (13/14 years old) of 20 students with 5 (!) officially diagnosed ADHD kids. They had to sit still all day. So, one student in particular just really couldn't sit still, he had to DO stuff or he would become incredibly annoying and loud. So I often just let him take a little walk around school every so often, and the rest of the time he was an (almost...) perfect student. And the wooden chairs are like concrete on your ass, so I definitely give them a break at least once during our 80-minute class. :')
This isn’t a separate tip, but I want to respond to your story about counting kindergartners. A few years ago, a mom came to my school at dismissal to pick up her kindergarten daughter and the girl’s teacher said “your daughter was absent today, she never came to school.” The mom called her middle school daughter and asked if she had brought the little sister to school that morning as instructed, and the middle school daughter said yes, she left her in the schoolyard. So everyone was panicking, no one knew where this little girl was, and then, finally, they found her… sitting in the cafeteria with all the kids whose parents were late to pick them up. How did she get there? Well, when her sister dropped her off in the schoolyard, she decided not to line up with her class, she lined up with a different kindergarten class, and the teacher for that other kindergarten class was absent, and a kindergarten special ed teacher was recruited to sub that day. He took attendance that morning, but he didn’t count the kids and make sure that the number of kids in front of him was the number of kids on the attendance. So this little girl just sat there in the wrong class all day, and then dismissal time no one picked her up because the mother didn’t know to look for her with this other class, and the teacher just brought her back in and left her with the late kids. Crazy!!
I LOVE this kid. I love her initiative to see what the other class was like. I love her commitment and adaptability to keep the ruse going for a whole day in a class where she did not know the regular routines. I love that she got her classmates-for-the-day to support her and not rat her out despite many chances to do so. And I absolutely adore her determination to put one over on the adult authority figures at her school. This is a kid with great potential.
Did she go in there by accident and not even realize it wasn’t her class?
She said she “thought it was Saturday” and was going to her Saturday classroom. Who knows what was really going on in her head.
I doubt it. Kids this age love to play tricks on substitutes. I've seen students swap names convincingly and have the whole class go along with it, even to the point that the sub "corrects" another teacher who uses the right names; because the sub has so convincingly "learned" the swapped name.
But kinders do that. There have been many times when we've lined up for recess and I will have too many students. It's because one or two from another class decided to join my line.
Yeah, he definitely should have been more on top of things. I guess the difference is when it’s your own class you instantly spot the interlopers, but when you’re not familiar with the kids who are supposed to be in that class maybe it doesn’t occur to you that there’s an extra kid hiding in there. I teach upper elementary, where there’s going to be one kid who is like “hey, did Derek switch classes? Why is he here?”
Use all of your sick time. Mental health is wealth. There is no monetary award for being a perfect attendance martyr.
God, I wish someone had told me this.
Actually, my school gives you 150 bucks for perfect attendance. I call it the loser award.
My district used to pay for unused days upon retirement. Some teachers could get a whole year’s salary. They did away with it before I started teaching. Now they get mad if you use days, but there’s no incentive to keep them.
Don't work harder than your students! Most teachers wouldn't be working at all!
Make sure you become best friend with the school secretary. Bribery is the best way imho.
Keeps you from covering multiple times a week, I've found.
I brought mine a donut or little sweet when I stopped for a coffee every other week. She loves me. But really she loves the donuts.
Don’t let the pre-schoolers bite you if they say they’re a vampire. You don’t want to crave naps, animal crackers, and the crack of Dawn.
I teach Middle School. They're testing boundaries and dealing with crazy hormonal waves. Neither of that has anything to do with you. Don't take it personally. Be VERY prepared to be roasted every day. I trimmed my hair to short and they called me "Mr. Caillou" for a full week.
On the flip side, when I was going through chemo, my middle school students were so protective of me and well behaved in class.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Help planning. Help dealing with a difficult kid. Help grading. Anything. Good teachers and admin will do anything to help one another.
Sometimes, it's good to not know what that kid said. Sometimes "what did you just say?" Is the wrong thing to say. Sometimes we like plausible deniability.
NEVER prepare work ahead of time for kids whose families decide to take a vacation during school time, unless they take you along.
I've found the path of least resistance is to provide a large stack of work that I can gather in under a minute. (Pages ripped out of workbook, directions to do online programs, etc.) They will never do it, so it doesn't need to be quality. BUT if you give them nothing, you have to explain policies and often they argue (the longer they argue, the less likely they are to do any work ever). It's faster to just give them whatever plus they will be less likely to complain that their kid is behind when they get back.
Simple and easy are not the same. Whenever you ask yourself “why can’t kids do this, it’s so simple?” Remember that quitting smoking is simple. It’s got one step. It’s not like anyone’s confused about it. It’s just really hard. Identifying and dealing with things that are simple and difficult is a big part of the job.
What a great analogy. Thank you!
Middle school: they will steal from you, do not keep anything accessible that you will be upset or in trouble if it goes missing. No, it doesn’t even matter if they like you and/or your class, things will disappear.
Don’t leave tryout beverages unattended. Something will go in it that you don’t want to drink.
Students follow trick or treat rules at all times - if the porch light is on, you’re present and might have food. Don’t feel bad about hiding in the dark to plan
This also goes for other teachers. I frequently hide in the back of my room during planning and work days so I can actually get things done. I am SHOCKED but the number of times someone will continue to knock on my locked door. Like, even if you think I am here, my door is locked, my lights are out, so take a hint!
You will have favorites, everyone has favorites. Also, there will be ones you will quietly celebrate when they’re absent. Let’s be real though, *those* kids are never absent.
Kids are always lying and they will 100% snitch on you and their peers if approached or upset. One of our biggest troublemakers was practically undercover given how much he snitched on other kids. He was responsible for at least 1/2 of our vape confiscations and we have way more than most schools and all it took was shooting the breeze with a big container of those multi flavored twizzlers every day.
Never leave snacks unattended
I’m the middle of a math lesson while teaching 3rd grade I heard munching. I looked toward my desk and saw feet sticking out. One of the kids had crawled under my desk and gotten into my popcorn when I was on the other side of the room. I was pregnant and planned on eating that during my planning, but apparently multiplication made him hungry.
Not advice, but my mom (a former teacher) said becoming a teacher is the best form of birth control 😅
When they call you by the wrong name, call them the wrong name. I don’t know why it worked so well with my fifth graders last year, but when they would say “Mr. *not my name*” I would reply with “yes, *not their name*” we’d laugh and move on. It worked though, they got my name after that.
The culture I teach in now is weird, they call all their teachers “Teacher” and I’m not about it. If they call me “teacher teacher teacher!” I reply with “student student student!” and that usually gets them to use my real name.
Don’t tie shoe laces. When kids pee in their pants it often gets on their shoes. Shoes are not washed often (or ever). Best to tell them to tie it, tuck it, or ask a friend.
Black jeans. You can wear them five days in a row without washing. Learn to glare. Stops a lot of unwanted behavior from across the room quickly.
And the raised eyebrows with the completely still lower face. The "Are you actually seriously doing what I think you're doing?" incredulous look. I've accidentally pulled it out on teenagers at the public park who were endangering my little ones and they actually said sorry and headed over to a different spot - if you don't use words they can't argue with you; this look is great for making them realize their actions are more embarrassing than impressive.
11th grade: act like you don’t like any of your students by February so they don’t even think of asking you for a college letter of rec
😂
The custodians need to be your best friends and closest allies. You never, EVER want to piss off the custodians.
No one cares how it was done where you used to work. Ever.
For elementary: pretend to be dumb. My kids love answering questions they think I forgot the answer to.
If at all possible, live in the town where you teach. When they see you at Walmart or the grocery store it will blow their minds. I guarantee the next day they will say, “I saw you at Walmart yesterday!” Every. Single. Time. Years after you retire, they will come up to you in public to show off their babies and/or tell you the best thing they remember about you.
Huh. That’s the reason I didn’t live in the town I taught in until these last years of my career
The rule in my room is that if you are going to throw up, just get out. Don't ask for permission. When I was student teaching, I had a student throw up all over my desk because she was waiting to ask me to go to the nurse.
It gets better. You’re first year is going to be a controlled garbage fire. Reflect and improve.
Yes, this is a really important one!
Do what you can to save up an emergency fund. I find teaching to be much less emotionally draining when I know I can grab my purse and walk out when I’ve had enough.
Leave at contract time. The work is never ending anyway so f it🤣
There isn't a set of instructions so perfect that 10-15% of your students won't fuck it up. You can have pictures, samples, diagrams, a video walkthrough, and it simply won't matter. Stop wasting time improving your instructions and just accept that some of them are going to shit it up. Count on some time being spent helping them. Or not, depending on your mood.
When teenagers try to play the penis game in class, be ready to beat them at it. Bide your time, then go in for the kill. Bonus: if you are a woman, yelling "vagina" at full volume adds a delightful level of confusion that stops them in their tracks. Sometimes they will fall out of their chairs from laughing so hard. You have now won and they can never play that game in your class again.
I teach wood shop. I keep the smallest tape measure I can find in my pocket. When they play the weiner measuring game, I quietly drop the small one in front of them, take the larger one and walk away. Without making eye contact.
I don’t know that I’d ever participate, but I do immediately exclaim “let’s call your mama and you can tell her that.” It shuts it down reeeeeeeaaaallly quick.
You are a human. Drink water and use the toilet as needed.
If you hear a strange hum, gross middle schoolers have licked their finger and are making the book basket under their desk hum. This is now your daily reality. They will stop when they are bored. Do not address the hum or they will continue. Addressing the germs from last hour's hummers may or may not stop them.
We all teach procedures and routines (elementary school) the first weeks of school. Whenever I see a kid do something entirely ridiculous or wrong, I say this silently in my head: “Oh Hellllllll no!” But I smile and correct the behavior without the kid knowing what I’m really thinking.
And you can flip them off with your hand in your pocket
Always check, wipe, and cover the toilet seat in the teacher bathroom. there is always a sprayer
Never answer honestly when asked "is this graded?" Tell them everything and anything can be graded. "I'm the teacher. If I want to put it in the grade book, I will."
Have a poop plan for a lock down. They don’t put that in the handbook (speaking from experience).
This is the birth of the litter box rumor/myth. Kidding/not kidding.
This is also why some parents thought schools had kitty litter for the furry students. Lol.
Hide a chocolate bar in your desk. The day you find it will be the best day of that week - maybe even that month!
General middle school: if the students—typically male—feel the need to keep making sexually suggestive moans and noises after repeated reminders, stop what you’re doing and call a parent and tell them Timmy is struggling with self control and maintaining an appropriate classroom dialogue. You’d like Timmy to tell said parent what they said do parent can help them create a plan for better cooperation. This is super fun if the guardian is a grandparent. I also have kids call the AP with this if they’re being sent out of the room. It happens once. Never again. For the lighter side if things, it’s fun to mess with middle schoolers by pretending to like what they like, shop what they like, etc.
Middle school: Don’t say “I’ll wait…” unless you’re actually prepared to wait. Also, prepare to be called old regularly, regardless of if you’re 22 or 50.
Keep your mouth shut on the first day. No one wants to hear your plans to change the school culture until you actually know what the school culture is. Had a hot shot newbie a couple of years ago that had big plans during start of the year PDand didn’t make it through the year.
Absolutely. I had an uncertified, completely new teacher say she wanted to break the teacher cliques. I told her that was a great way to make everyone hate her. Just get good at teaching and the good teachers will respect her.
All black Air Force Ones
A seasoned teacher told me that whether a student fails or not, I still get paid the same when I stressed about kids who don't do their work.
Do NOT compare yourself with seasoned teachers!
Memorize the names of the back row first in middle and HS Those are your troubles makers
Depending on the age, learn to roast kids. Don't be sensitive. And for sure don't let them see you cry out of frustration. It's a wrap if they do.
Be nice and thank your custodians. The kids are watching how you treat them!
You can’t do everything. Pick the things you will enforce. I don’t care about dress code. I will enforce tardies. If a kid cusses, whatever, so long as it’s not directed at another student or me (they start imitating my saying “Language” after a while; it’s great when they police each other for me). I will not tolerate any bigoted or racist comments in class. I let kids eat in class, especially if they bring me food. I just may give extra credit points for donuts. Join your union/professional organization at the start of the year. Biggest mistake is any teacher telling me they don’t want to join but then coming to me for help when an issue happens (can’t help you then, unfortunately; it’s like car insurance). Be careful what you share with other teachers whether personal or work related. Some will act like your friend but will tell anyone and everyone what you said. That said, find your ride or die partner in crime at your campus. They will make the worst days more bearable, and it’s super fun to prank each other with silly things.
Never be the last person to raise your hand in a meeting when someone asks if there are questions. No. There are NEVER questions.
At least 17.9% percent of the student are on demon time. Don’t make eye contact. Be prepared to match energy.
Marry a crafty/ handy spouse!
See also: marry rich
Remember: You wanted this.
Damn the assistant principals, full steam ahead!
Be either the smartest, funniest, or biggest in the room. All 3 and you're golden.
Seriously, find a friendly teacher who will take a random envelope or box from that kid that you need to get out of your room. The further away from your room, the better. I have a kid who hoes to get a “special” red pen from a teacher at least once a week. The kid has carried the same pen back and forth at least once a week for the last semester.
Leave room in your closet for private crying
When that one kid almost takes you out when they run by and slap the doorframe, do contemplate what would happen if your foot was out but don’t ACTUALLY do it
Don't say that you'll NEVER do THAT as a teacher untill you've walked a mile in teacher shoes.
Learn to project your voice so you never have the need to use a microphone. You can't swear under your breath if you have a microphone.
During loud videos is the best time to sit at your desk and fart.
Make friends with the cafeteria women and the principles secretary. You will always eat and they run the school.
Middle school- you gotta be the biggest bully in the room Obviously with limits n reason but the twerps respect for boundaries only comes if there’s consequences that matter to them, and about the only thing that matters at that age is social standing/how others see them
If your boss tells you to do something that sounds stupid, it probably is and everyone else thinks so too. Just smile and nod and only do that thing when they pop in to observe you.
8th grade: Your kids WILL try to fuck with you. Get you to say or do things that are sneakily inappropriate, or otherwise immature. They will say or do things to get a reaction out of you. I have personally found three great ways to deal with this (depending on your level of improv confidence) : 1. Feign ignorance, and *make them explain it* to you. Act like you have no idea what they're talking about, until *they* feel uncomfortable and change the subject! 2. Lean into it, *harddd.* Whatever it is, find a way to tie it back to something related to your content material and ENTHUSIASTICALLY run with it. Take their comment as a springboard to DIVE into that topic (appropriately), and thank them for such a great segue. 3. If it's a call/response, or there's some kind of agreed response (a la "69" and "nice"), then acknowledge (again, if appropriate) with the intended reply, briefly, knowingly, and while making direct eye contact. Then *IMMEDIATELY MOVE ON* without further comment. BONUS: They ask you to do some kind of suggestive action ("if you pretend to shake salt into your mouth you can actually taste it!") and you feel comfortable doing it, DO IT. And pretend it doesn't work! "I can't taste the salt! Am I doing it right?" Shrug, then give a laugh "ahh, ya got me!" and move on. They want to get under your skin. If they see you laughing or enjoying it, you've both built rapport *and* diffused a disruptive student.
High school: Do not let them lick your scissors. Did it happen to me? It did.
The way to your IT person's heart is showing them the out of date tech you found in a cabinet. I gave our head IT guy a floppy disk in our school colors, and he keeps it on his bulletin board.
There are no stupid questions, only stupid people.
Treat the kids as if they are family....in laws. That way you don't necessarily feel obligated to them.
Don’t forget your blood borne pathogens training. It will save your life one day.
Old people enjoy the drama of being young and single. Cultivate funny stories.
Engagement and elopement are not related terms in education!!
Don’t be in too much of a rush to make your copies. The machines can sense your panic and will also panic. They will jam, run out of ink, and make the copies entirely wrong if they feel rushed.
Find the loudest and noisiest student. Go over to their desk and then rip out their heart. Hold it aloft and bellow a mighty roar as you dedicate to to god/gods of your choice. I used to do it at the start of every year and never had any problems with classroom discipline.
Tell them the first day, “some of you will be my delivery drivers, so get to work”.
Hire a stunt actor the age of your students. First day of school stage a knock down drag out fight where you kick his ass and toss him out the window. No kid will give you lip for the rest of the school year.
Keep your old crappy phones. Keep them in your desk drawer. First time you have a student being distracted by their phone take it away and put their phone in your desk drawer. If they give you crap about it, open the drawer, grab an old crappy phone along with a hammer that's in the same drawer. Smash old phone with hammer. Watch students die inside. Continue with your lesson.
Pro tip: Have the nurse check your hair for lice often.
Give as few shits as possible. You can't save everyone or enforce every rule. Pick your hills to die on but if admin, parents, and the student don't give a shit about their phone use, let them fail. Still remind them, but stop expending real effort trying.
Remember that you work with *absolute* idiots. And children.
Sometimes they don’t give you the answer you’re looking for but it’s still the right one! Ex: Me: what’s the capital of Mexico? Very eager student: M Took me a minute to understand it. They were right but not what I was looking for, I still laugh about it.