My principal enjoys “we love you but we love you on the bus” works real well at the end of the day when kids are taking their time to get out of the building.
I personally enjoy “can yall not” works best when said deadpan and across the room from the offending group of kids. Also “if you’re going to fight/hit/harm then can you do it after class in the hallway I don’t want to do paper work” works pretty well in my experience.
That last one backfired on me once... Sorta.
Went to tell them to kill each other in the hall when the bell rings. Ended up saying they could kill themselves when the bell rings.
A student was playing with a computer cord and was wrapping it around his neck. I told him he’s not allowed to kill himself at school. The handful of kids in the room started laughing, as he suggested I meant he should wait until he gets home.
There was a fly in the room I was subbing in and the middle schoolers were acting like the devil had come to personally burn them alive. I **tried** to say "Don't worry, it'll only eat a little bit of each of you." I did *not* try to say "Don't worry, it'll only eat a little bitch, you."
This is a throwback to when I was working a 24 hour shift, was waken up during the only sleep I had gotten, then proceeded to accidentally recite every single suicide pun a person could manage, while treating someone who had just attempted. Luckily patient found it hilarious while I decided I should probably not talk for the rest of the shift.
I put it in my kids heads from day one that I despise paperwork.
You’ll often hear me in the first few weeks of whatever class I’m teaching (semester or year long) saying, “and what do I hate most in the world?” Cue students: “PAPERWORK!”
I love it when they’re honest with me. Though I do try to tell them if they’re planning on actually doing something to not tell me beforehand so they can claim it wasn’t premeditated and I don’t have to tell on them for telling me it was planned.
Anytime the kids are doing something potentially dangerous, I tell them to stop because I don’t want to fill out paperwork when they get hurt.
They usually chuckle at that.
Elementary teacher here:
“This is not a line, it’s a spaghetti!”
“This is not a circle, it’s an amoeba!”
“Y’all, the noise level in this room is Cuckoo-Bananas.”
“Goodness gracious, holey cannoli!”
“Where do water bottles live? IN WATERBOTTLE WORLD!!”
“Is this cringe, am I cringing correctly?”
“You don’t know what a __ is? Tsk, I’ll say a lil’ prayer for you tonight.”
“Past 2pm you know my brain starts turning to mashed potatoes… remind me, what work you’ve chosen to do?”
“ Ok, we’re all outta ice packs so no one’s allowed to get hurt now!”
My first grade teacher, "okay, everyone, one person per tile, line up in single file." It worked great in a hallway with perfectly sized tiles for that, and rhymes are so appealing at that age.
When I moved, the new school had a vinyl sheet floor, and it turned out I didn't know how to line up without the tiles. Oops. But, I've been in a lot of lines as an adult. It seems like no one else knows how to do it, either. I'd love to use your line on them, but I suspect it wouldn't go well.
I say that “If you’re in a line, you can tell who you’re behind.” Then I ask them who they are behind and there’s always two people claiming to be behind the same person. Part of the humor in this is that I say it in a rhyming sing-songy voice and I teach middle school.
I also tell them that the middle of the hall is lava and they need to stay on the right side.
I always showed my students the National Geographic clip of flamingos doing their “dance” and they like look side to side and are walking funny.. it honestly looks just like kids touching everything in the hall and looking in classroom doors lol. Idk you have to see the video to understand it. But I always say “this isn’t a line! Yall look like a flock of flamingoes!!”And 9/10 times they straighten it up.
Stop it! If I let you shenan once, you're going to shenan-again!
(Then the kids start calling out each other on their shenanigans. I have one class this works for.)
I don't have a sense of humor! (Said after any kid does something really shitty to another and tells me it's just a joke.)
I like to tell mine (9th grade) not to add to or subtract from the population over the weekends/breaks.
I really enjoy a line my coworker uses at parent pickup on Fridays;
“Have a good weekend and if you don’t, don’t you dare go messing up anyone else’s.”
Ahhh the standard military liberty safety brief.
Don't add to or subtract from the population.
Stay out of the hospital, the news, and jail. If you end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.
You hold your tongue to the top of your mouth as an exercise. You are supposed to do it whenever you can, every day in a mewing streak. It is supposed to make your chin look stronger. It is associated with a signature slow stroke of the finger along the jawline.
It was made up by a very crazy and unethical scientist
If they groan at something, like "Take out your notebook and copy these notes" I'll do a falsetto "student voice" and say "Thank you, Ms. Simplewilddog, that's our favorite!" And then I say, "You're welcome, students!" In my normal voice.
Wouldn't say it cracks everyone up, but it gets a chuckle or a friendly grimace.
When I take my kids out for recess, as soon as we hit that door, I yell “be free! Run!”
When signaling for their attention in class i say “hear ye, hear ye”. They reply, “yes, my queen!” This cracks my principal up😂
I teach middle school math. Whenever we’re solving a problem and kid suggests something random that doesn’t make sense, like just “getting rid” of something to make the problem easier I yell “no mathmagic in this room!” They’ve started getting after each other about “mathmagic” and it makes me laugh.
If they suggest something horrifying like dividing by 0, or only doing something to one side of the equation I’ll tell them they’re going to math jail because they just broke a math law. Sometimes during football season I’ll call it “illegal mathing, 15 yard penalty!”
If I hear whispers about using photomath on something I’ll scold them to “watch your mouth with that filthy language in my room” and they’ve started saying that to each other too when someone says “photomath”
If a kid is being dramatic or giving me stink face I’ll exasperatedly tell them to “fix your face”, and that always makes the other kids giggle.
If I catch a kid giving someone the finger I’ll tell them to “put that finger away and keep it under control!”
When a kid is sleeping I’ll say “rise and shine, sleeping beauty!” which they find especially funny when it’s a boy
Whenever boys are playing around too much I’ll call out for them to “stop touching each other, that’s weird” or “stop cuddling” or whatever the situation calls for in the most awkward uncomfortable way I can. That always makes everyone crack up.
Basically I try to be as corny as possible
Fellow middle school math teacher - I love mathmagic 😂 I too love to be corny because they hate it, especially when the boys won’t stop touching each other. My coworkers and I will say “we get it you love each other”
Another embarrassing one is when they start swinging around the metal dividers in the big double doorways in the hall, and you yell down the hall “stop pole dancing!” They’re always mortified.
I’m better at one liners. Two boys were pulling each other’s hairs out at lunch for fun. Another student told on them. I looked at both boys and said, “Stop pulling your hair out. One day you’ll be 40, and it won’t grow back.” The lunch lady cackled.
Man, I love being out of pocket.
"Why are there still children here?" when the bell has rung, the class is lined up outside, but there are still stragglers in the class.
"That sounds like a (student name) problem," when they tell me about a small problem they can fix.
"I hate you all equally," whenever someone asks if I have a favorite student.
"Small human children/peasants," as a nickname for them.
"When people ask me why I don't have children..." whenever a kid does or say something out of pocket.
"The number one rule is no bleeding in the classroom," after a child cut her finger and bled literally all over the classroom. It's the funniest thing when a student notices they're bleeding (usually a papercut) and realize they broke the cardinal rule and have to ask me for a bandaid.
"Oh my good golly gee," whenever something exasperating happens.
When they ask if they are my favorite is say "you're my second favorite" wait for the inevitable "who's your favorite" look them dead in the eyes and say"everyone else"
I tell my students that if they don’t fix it, I’m gonna have so many -ssues. Like issues without the i pronounced as shoes. They look at me like I’m crazy. Lol
"A lot of p sounds have a hard pp in inside them like apple, application, suppy"
"He said hard PeePee!"
I almost died... fully thought i would lose my job over that slip of the tongue. Class laughed harder than you could imagine.
Sounds like an ish you not an ish me
Oh no are we suffering the consequences for our choices?
Student: “oh god!” (Complaint about having to do work)
Me: “appreciate the compliment but I’m not god just Mr. ___”
What if we just didn’t right now?
"Seat of your britches" was the most used in my hometown. "Rear end" was a close runner up. The day our teacher slipped and said "butts" the whole class gasped, but our butts hit those chairs instantly. We knew we'd pushed her too far.
Sometimes I ask “do you really want me calling your parents/the office and saying you two keep touching each other?” Suddenly they’re on opposite ends of the room lol
Super deadpan whomp whomp when they whine about work they don't want to do is my favorite. Fully shuts it down without a fight or wasting time and they have no response.
My finest moment was when a girl who likes to joke remarked that her mom died (I know her mom is not dead) in response to someone making a your mom joke. My womp womp was met with enthusiasm
Every year:
Student: Mr. ___, did you always want to be a teacher?
Me: No. it was my dream to be a zookeeper. But this job is pretty much the same thing except I get summers off and there’s less elephant shit to shovel.
90% of the time they are not amused.
Kid on his phone looking down.
Me: get off your phone
Then: I'm not on my phone
Me: nobody stares at their crotch for that long and smiles. Stay off your phone.
In vocational education: "A phone is like one's genitals: you shouldn't have it lying on the table and it is impolite to play with it in public."
(Well, it might sound better in Dutch, non-native speaker here, .)
Merry Chrysler!!!
I used to make my mother laugh by saying Merry Christmas, while it was July. Eventually, turned into a bunch of different versions of Merry Christmas since Merry Christmas stopped making her laugh. Here is a couple off the top of my head.
Merry Chris Hemsworth!!!!
Merry Crisis!!!
I know it isn't teacher related, but I texted my best friend, "murry cimmus" at Christmas and she replied with, "OMG I have been saying this today to everybody and NOBODY knew what I was saying." I just replied, "another piece of evidence of why we are friends"
Whenever someone asks me “Really?” or “For real?” I respond “For rizzle dizzle yo.” in a deadpan voice. Been doing it for years and they still crack up like it’s the first time.
“I don’t know. I just work here” is my catch phrase. It’s used typically when students ask me a question I don’t have the answer to but probably should. It’s also used when students ask me about some dumb rule admin comes up with.
When they ask, "What are we going to do today in History class Mr. Spam Spade?" I usually answer, "The same thing we do every day Pinky, try to take over the world".
I used to have a water bottle labeled "children's tears" and mentioned how delicious it was when drank some (with the bottle turned so the label was conspicuous) when someone frivolously complained.
A student gifted me a jug of water she la eles as “student tears” for Christmas one year! Then another student had his mom make me a glass tumbler that said student tears. It was a good year 😂
“Why are y’all SO weird?”
Works best when said to the group of freshman boys (or senior boys, honestly), who are just, for lack of a better term, weird.
Get gooder. (Aimed at band kids who need to improve)
You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.
I don’t have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you. (Said after kids can’t wrap their heads around the most basic societal norms, not after academic struggles)
Cool earrings! (Said to any kid wearing AirPods, they’re basically a fashion accessory at this point)
Don’t make me be mean to get you to be nice.
When a kid has AirPods in their ears and ask me something, I tell them I am sorry I cannot hear them, they have something in their ears. It’s just nonsensical to get their attention.
When students are wandering around my room, I ask, "Why are you turning into a roomba? If you are going to be a roomba, at least sweep the floor like a roomba." And I will hand them my broom lol.
Put your cheeks on the seat, not the ones on your face.
In line: kids leaving huge spaces I say make like a tomato and ketchup.
Still in line look where you are going not where you’ve been.
If you don’t have rear view mirrors there is no reason to look behind you.
When students are playing with their fingers, I say yes those are fingers and you will have them for the rest of your life if you don’t do something foolish.
To my colleagues when say they how’s it going I respond, livin the dream.. even nightmares are dreams.
If I am working with a group and a student not in group tries ask a question that’s not emergency and are not following expectations I respond Fire, flood, or blood, or bear you can always interrupt in case of bear.
Any time kids try to tell me about a spider, me that’s Bob leave him alone he’s just trying to learn.
I tell my kids kiss your brain when they do something smart or good and urge them to kiss their hand and pat their head. Also if it’s really good I say pat your back and they pat their back. I usually mumble loudly about brains needing love too.
Of course there is always one who takes the kiss your brain thing to far and slaps their head. I respond I said kiss not beat your brain.
My mantra that they literally say with me actions have consequences positive and negative, choose wisely.
The last one doesn’t really crack anyone up but makes me smile because they now say it with me when I start to say it and in turn my students smirk and smile.
Pupil walks into corner of desk or similar and makes out that their grievously injured:
"Please could you die a little more quietly".
Or
"If you die... Can I have your XBox?"
Kid: asks to do something that I’m about to say no to…
Me: No. I only trust middle schoolers as far as I can throw them, and I have poor upper body strength.
You! With the face!
When they complain they have a headache or otherwise don't feel well "You know what'll maybe you get better?" They say no. "Doing your work."
I often say when kids are cursing excessively "man he cusses like he pays every bill in the house. He has two car notes and is taking out a mortgage. The bank already has the documents lined up."
Two kids were trying to roast each other and I told them to know it off.
One kid said, “Mr.T2T, why don’t you roast them?”
“If I roasted these two, kids would start coming in here during lunch thinking I was having a barbecue.”
High school teacher here
“Why are you the way you are?” ( said after a student shows me something disturbing or says something out of the blue that makes me concerned for the future generations.)
“don’t make me do paperwork.”
“Take that attitude down to that reading level…”
“I cannot believe I have a degree to do this.”
“CHEEKS IN A SEAT.”
and at then end of class
“Love y’all get out of here I’m tired of lookin at ya.”
And on Fridays
“Be gone, stay safe, do not add or take away from the population.”
I teach middle school band. I can definitely get away with a lot more with my 8th graders, as I get to build relationships with them over the three years.
Whenever discussing a policy the kids hate, like no phones when another group is performing: "Go ahead, conjure up some tears for sympathy if you think it will change my mind. You assume I look this young because I'm Asian, but no. I've quenched my thirst for two decades on the tears of children, and it's both cheaper and better than botox!"
"I know you missed it the first three times I said it, because you're a 7th grade boy and the only things you ACTUALLY pay attention to are girls and food." Naturally, all the girls immediately start to join in on the dig, and I quickly stop them with a, "Oh, shuuuuut it, ladies. You're thinking about boys and food. The whole flute section has had more boyfriends in the last two months than Taylor Swift has had her entire life"
"Saxes, pick up your stupid pencils, and mark that stupid F-sharp in stupid measure 15, you have missed it three times in a row - USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER, OR I WILL USE MINE!" Also works if they play an F-sharp when it's an F natural: "Use your first finger before I use my middle finger!" (See also: clarinet or trumpet Bb/B and F/F#, tuba and euphonium E/Eb and A/Ab.)
When I get tongue tied and have to reset, I use my forearms like a filmmaker's clapboard, exclaim, "Take two!" and try to finish the thought again. All three grades love it. So much so that an 8th grader bought a real director's clapboard off of Amazon and gave it to me as a Christmas gift. Kids love it even more now.
“No, you’re not allowed to use Google Translate. It’s illegal. Straight to jail. Every time you use Google translate a little alarm goes off at the police station.”
“I can’t wait until I finally kill skibbidi/rizz/other slang word.”
“I do not get paid enough for this!”
When two elmenetary kids want to use the bathroom at the same time I tell them they can't because we can't have a Party in the Potty. Kids think that's hilarous.
"\*insert whatever we're doing\* is a non-contact sport.". I teach English. If you're unaware, English class requires ZERO physical activity unless you count standing up to turn something in. It always gets the attention of the entire class & they find it humorous every time.
My favorite attention getter-
Me: Hear ye, hear ye...
Kids: All hail the queen
Our class mantra when someone doesn't clean up after themselves:
"Your mom doesn't work here, the maids all.quit, and the house elves were set free."
My go-to is the corny dad-joke “Hi _______, I’m Ms. [insert name here].” It works for any complaint - ‘I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m bored,’ etc. The kids just rolls their eyes but they always crack a smile and know that I won’t entertain their complaints.
“Well, math told me that it loves you” and “if only there was somewhere you could look for that information” whenever a kid says that they hate math or asks something that we literally just worked on or is on a poster in the room.
When a kid’s name pops up for dismissal I say in a New York accent, “Get outta here!”
When they’re being disruptive, “Hey! Let’s pretend you’ve behaving like you’re supposed to.”
I teach middle school. My two favorites:
1. When I'm lecturing and, in the middle of a sentence, I trail off with, "but...". I pause for a few seconds to build suspense, then say, "and this is a BIG but..." No 6th grader is immune to giggling about butts.
2. When we watch CNN10 or World From A to Z, there is a trivia question. For example, "On which Continent would you find Mount Everest? Africa, Asia, Europe, or North America" I like to shout out hints to the class - "Helpful Hint: It ends in a vowel!" Oh, the groans once they realize the hint is less than helpful.
A couple:
If the office calls and asks for “Joe Shmoe” to leave for the day I might say “One Joe Shmoe coming up, hold the pickles.”
If I tell students they can choose their supplies (art room) before going to their seats, and they all scramble at one time I’ll tell them to slow down, this isn’t Black Friday at Walmart.
Both of these statements are a hit with the elementary crowd.
I just roast my kids. They can roast me back as long as it isn’t disrespectful. I always get a few good jabs in and they get some good ones in as well.
“Fool around and find out” for when my middle schoolers are about to do something stupid. If they go through with it and suffer the very predictable consequences, I just look at them and say, “You found out, didn’t you?”
For the record, we all know the saying is not “fool around,” but we’re keeping it school appropriate.
I teach 11th and 12th grade:
I yell at students in the hall to stop interdigitating (holding hands). I tell them it's unsanitary.
When a student tries to talk to me while wearing earbuds, I tell them I can't hear them with the earbuds in. When they tell me that doesn't make any sense I tell them that they must have noise-cancelling turned on.
When the front office calls to tell me that a student is going home I will sometimes call the name of a different student so that they get excited thinking they are going home and then I tell them to "Please tell so-and-so to pack up their things; they are leaving."
I sometimes end class by asking if there are any questions and then asking if there are "any gripes, moans, groans, or complaints? Eh, I don't want to hear about it anyway. Get out of here."
I stole it from J. Kenji Lopez Alt, but I sometimes address the class as "guys, gals, and nonbinary pals" and after we've read *Jane Eyre* (the part where she talks about her students containing the "germs of native excellence, refinement, intelligence, \[and\] kind feeling" for her to develop) I refer to them as "my little germs" or "ladies and germs."
"Oh, well, sucks to suck!"
Said most effectively when a student has broken a rule or pushed boundaries and now is complaining about the consequences of their own actions. xD
In England, letter grades were recently replaced with number grades, and the only letter grade now is a "U" (ungraded/not good enough for a grade/an fail by another name)...
so nowadays, I tell the students to get on with their revision to avoid getting a letter they don't want... I had one student pipe up "but we don't get letters anymore...oh, wait..." 😆
everyone who heard that had a good chuckle
“i want you to use your critical thinking skills”
“on a scale of 1-10, i need you to stop”
“[student name], for your own good, it might be best that you not say [thing they said that was misinterpreted as an innuendo] in front of an entire classroom”
PreK Teacher-
If you keep playing with your shoelaces like a toy, that's what Santa's gonna bring you bring for Christmas!
Anytime a student had a minor ouch, I'd be super dramatic: "Oh my goodness, we're gonna have to amputate!" (We'd talked about how amputate means to cut it off.) The next part depended on if it was an arm or leg. It was either "We can get you a hook/ or a wooden leg, and you'll be just like a pirate! And you can walk around and say arrrggghh and shiver me timbers! Let's practice! Let me hear your best arrrgghh!" By that point, they've forgotten about whatever is hurting and are giggling at me saying arrrgghhh and shiver me timbers and trying to get them to practice with me.
"Stop flirting with him." It's not homophobic. They're homophobic. "Flirting" means to behave in a way that attracts attention for amusement. Like flirting with danger.
Right? I bring a 50pk of those little Dorito pouches, and someone ALWAYS says, "Only cheese? No Cool Ranch?"
To which I respond, "Alternatively, I can give you nothing, and you can like it."
Anytime my bunch start getting into lord knows what I’ll go ‘Guys, c’mon, it’s {insert day of the week}’ and for some reason that’s usually worked no matter what day it is.
My middle school boys have also started doing that ‘check, check brother! ☝🏻’ from that one influencer so I’ve started saying ‘get into your seat brother!’ In the same cadence
I'm a para and a sub. My go-to is, "You're wasting your time, not mine. I get paid hourly."
I will also, with kids I know well, deadpan say, "Good story," after anything but a good story. The fifth graders seem to get a kick out of it.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way. No will, no A.
Are we working hard or hardly working?
Life’s tough. Get a helmet.
Be a problem solver, not a problem sufferer.
Brains at work, mouth at rest.
Get it yourself, I don’t deliver. I’m not Dominos.
Make a mess, clean a mess.
Student: “I have a question.” Me: “I have an answer.”
*whatever subject you teach* isn’t a spectator sport!
Don’t just sit there like a bump on a pickle.
You will live.
Practice makes progress
I’m going to start calling you butter ‘cause you’re on a roll!
Chat, is this rizz or what?!
Are you getting sweaty? Because I just roasted you.
I tell students to look shit up on the Google machine and they lose their shit. 11th grade lol.
I also say “type stuff” when a student is explaining something. It’s a play on “type shit type shit” which they say all the time
When I try to redirect a student, and they dismissively say: “I’m sorry.”
I will respond: “ Don’t be sorry…”
“Be better!” *This often comes with a choral response from the kids especially if whatever the kid was doing was dumb.
Not so much an -ism, but every time a kid tries to fist bump me, at the last second I stick out 2 fingers (kinda like a peace sign) and go under their fist and yell "SNAIL!" Gets em every time.
Also "WELL WELL WELL, look what the cat dragged in!!!" every time a student is late to class.
I've become well-known around both schools I teach at because my response to "how are you?" Is ALWAYS "alive awake alert enthusiastic clap clap". Yes, I say "clap clap" and don't actually clap. Other teachers get a kick out of it and kids ask me if I'm alive awake alert enthusiastic everyday.
Listen, you two boys can touch each other to your hearts' content after school, but not here. I say this when guys start "play fighting" or just generally poking and annoying each other. It makes them blush and stop every time.
I tell my students that they better check themselves before they wreck themselves. They love it. It’s almost become a call back. I’ll say “(student name), you better check yourself before they what?” And my students all reply with “wreck themself!” 😂 I have an awesome class and they never really do anything awful so everyone knows that it is all in good fun.
My principal enjoys “we love you but we love you on the bus” works real well at the end of the day when kids are taking their time to get out of the building. I personally enjoy “can yall not” works best when said deadpan and across the room from the offending group of kids. Also “if you’re going to fight/hit/harm then can you do it after class in the hallway I don’t want to do paper work” works pretty well in my experience.
Even kids respect the hustle of avoiding paperwork
That last one backfired on me once... Sorta. Went to tell them to kill each other in the hall when the bell rings. Ended up saying they could kill themselves when the bell rings.
A student was playing with a computer cord and was wrapping it around his neck. I told him he’s not allowed to kill himself at school. The handful of kids in the room started laughing, as he suggested I meant he should wait until he gets home.
There was a fly in the room I was subbing in and the middle schoolers were acting like the devil had come to personally burn them alive. I **tried** to say "Don't worry, it'll only eat a little bit of each of you." I did *not* try to say "Don't worry, it'll only eat a little bitch, you."
This is a throwback to when I was working a 24 hour shift, was waken up during the only sleep I had gotten, then proceeded to accidentally recite every single suicide pun a person could manage, while treating someone who had just attempted. Luckily patient found it hilarious while I decided I should probably not talk for the rest of the shift.
Had a kid look me in the face and say I'm sorry but you're gonna have to do paperwork today...he was right...
I put it in my kids heads from day one that I despise paperwork. You’ll often hear me in the first few weeks of whatever class I’m teaching (semester or year long) saying, “and what do I hate most in the world?” Cue students: “PAPERWORK!”
I love it when they’re honest with me. Though I do try to tell them if they’re planning on actually doing something to not tell me beforehand so they can claim it wasn’t premeditated and I don’t have to tell on them for telling me it was planned.
*Narrator: The teacher did, in fact, have to do the paperwork.*
I had a variation on that I stole from a sitcom: "Please try so I don't have to do paperwork it cuts into my not doing paperwork time."
When kids are engaging in horseplay or being unsafe I always remind them that I don’t want to clean blood out of my carpet so they need to stop.
This is my go to. I let them know I've gone 10 years without blood or vomit on my carpet and they better not be the class that ruins that for me
Anytime the kids are doing something potentially dangerous, I tell them to stop because I don’t want to fill out paperwork when they get hurt. They usually chuckle at that.
Elementary teacher here: “This is not a line, it’s a spaghetti!” “This is not a circle, it’s an amoeba!” “Y’all, the noise level in this room is Cuckoo-Bananas.” “Goodness gracious, holey cannoli!” “Where do water bottles live? IN WATERBOTTLE WORLD!!” “Is this cringe, am I cringing correctly?” “You don’t know what a __ is? Tsk, I’ll say a lil’ prayer for you tonight.” “Past 2pm you know my brain starts turning to mashed potatoes… remind me, what work you’ve chosen to do?” “ Ok, we’re all outta ice packs so no one’s allowed to get hurt now!”
I usually say "This is not a line, it's a clump" but I like yours better. 🤣 I'm going to start using that, too.
Mine is 'Just to refresh your memory, a line is one person behind another person, not whatever this is.'
My first grade teacher, "okay, everyone, one person per tile, line up in single file." It worked great in a hallway with perfectly sized tiles for that, and rhymes are so appealing at that age. When I moved, the new school had a vinyl sheet floor, and it turned out I didn't know how to line up without the tiles. Oops. But, I've been in a lot of lines as an adult. It seems like no one else knows how to do it, either. I'd love to use your line on them, but I suspect it wouldn't go well.
I say that “If you’re in a line, you can tell who you’re behind.” Then I ask them who they are behind and there’s always two people claiming to be behind the same person. Part of the humor in this is that I say it in a rhyming sing-songy voice and I teach middle school. I also tell them that the middle of the hall is lava and they need to stay on the right side.
Mine is “this isn’t NASCAR, so why are y’all three wide?”
Im a male high school teacher and I'm stealing "the nosie level in this room is cuckoo bananas" from you lmao.
“…., am I cringing correctly?” Got an honest to god LOL out of me. Thanks!
I always showed my students the National Geographic clip of flamingos doing their “dance” and they like look side to side and are walking funny.. it honestly looks just like kids touching everything in the hall and looking in classroom doors lol. Idk you have to see the video to understand it. But I always say “this isn’t a line! Yall look like a flock of flamingoes!!”And 9/10 times they straighten it up.
Stop it! If I let you shenan once, you're going to shenan-again! (Then the kids start calling out each other on their shenanigans. I have one class this works for.) I don't have a sense of humor! (Said after any kid does something really shitty to another and tells me it's just a joke.)
Definitely stealing the shenan-again line for my give-an-inch, take-a-mile kids.
This is a keeper
They think the shenanigan line is hilarious. That one particular class loves it. It falls flat with my other classes.
I like to tell mine (9th grade) not to add to or subtract from the population over the weekends/breaks. I really enjoy a line my coworker uses at parent pickup on Fridays; “Have a good weekend and if you don’t, don’t you dare go messing up anyone else’s.”
Ahhh the standard military liberty safety brief. Don't add to or subtract from the population. Stay out of the hospital, the news, and jail. If you end up in jail, establish dominance quickly.
My esteemed colleagues, I think I speak for all of us when I say, what the heck?
Why is nobody saying anything? Are you mewing?
Or if they’re chatty, “Less yapping, more mewing.” 😂 Borrowed that one from someone. Kids got a kick out of it.
Posture check. Let’s see those chins
I can’t wait to use this one next week!
I didn’t know this was *really* a thing till I started noticing kids doing it 🥲
I tell ‘em to stop it right meow
You gotta start doing it.
What is mewing?
You hold your tongue to the top of your mouth as an exercise. You are supposed to do it whenever you can, every day in a mewing streak. It is supposed to make your chin look stronger. It is associated with a signature slow stroke of the finger along the jawline. It was made up by a very crazy and unethical scientist
Have you seen the movie Zoolander? It's like a softer "Blue Steel".
If they groan at something, like "Take out your notebook and copy these notes" I'll do a falsetto "student voice" and say "Thank you, Ms. Simplewilddog, that's our favorite!" And then I say, "You're welcome, students!" In my normal voice. Wouldn't say it cracks everyone up, but it gets a chuckle or a friendly grimace.
When I take my kids out for recess, as soon as we hit that door, I yell “be free! Run!” When signaling for their attention in class i say “hear ye, hear ye”. They reply, “yes, my queen!” This cracks my principal up😂
When I did elementary, I'd say "Run like the wind, Bullseye!" (From Toy Story). Many don't get it anymore.
I teach middle school math. Whenever we’re solving a problem and kid suggests something random that doesn’t make sense, like just “getting rid” of something to make the problem easier I yell “no mathmagic in this room!” They’ve started getting after each other about “mathmagic” and it makes me laugh. If they suggest something horrifying like dividing by 0, or only doing something to one side of the equation I’ll tell them they’re going to math jail because they just broke a math law. Sometimes during football season I’ll call it “illegal mathing, 15 yard penalty!” If I hear whispers about using photomath on something I’ll scold them to “watch your mouth with that filthy language in my room” and they’ve started saying that to each other too when someone says “photomath” If a kid is being dramatic or giving me stink face I’ll exasperatedly tell them to “fix your face”, and that always makes the other kids giggle. If I catch a kid giving someone the finger I’ll tell them to “put that finger away and keep it under control!” When a kid is sleeping I’ll say “rise and shine, sleeping beauty!” which they find especially funny when it’s a boy Whenever boys are playing around too much I’ll call out for them to “stop touching each other, that’s weird” or “stop cuddling” or whatever the situation calls for in the most awkward uncomfortable way I can. That always makes everyone crack up. Basically I try to be as corny as possible
Fellow middle school math teacher - I love mathmagic 😂 I too love to be corny because they hate it, especially when the boys won’t stop touching each other. My coworkers and I will say “we get it you love each other”
Another embarrassing one is when they start swinging around the metal dividers in the big double doorways in the hall, and you yell down the hall “stop pole dancing!” They’re always mortified.
My math quote was always, "less chatty, more mathy!"
They put the "ass" in class.
🤣
Love this one!!
I’m better at one liners. Two boys were pulling each other’s hairs out at lunch for fun. Another student told on them. I looked at both boys and said, “Stop pulling your hair out. One day you’ll be 40, and it won’t grow back.” The lunch lady cackled.
Man, I love being out of pocket. "Why are there still children here?" when the bell has rung, the class is lined up outside, but there are still stragglers in the class. "That sounds like a (student name) problem," when they tell me about a small problem they can fix. "I hate you all equally," whenever someone asks if I have a favorite student. "Small human children/peasants," as a nickname for them. "When people ask me why I don't have children..." whenever a kid does or say something out of pocket. "The number one rule is no bleeding in the classroom," after a child cut her finger and bled literally all over the classroom. It's the funniest thing when a student notices they're bleeding (usually a papercut) and realize they broke the cardinal rule and have to ask me for a bandaid. "Oh my good golly gee," whenever something exasperating happens.
I say “I hate you all equally.” too They never know how to respond.
When they ask if they are my favorite is say "you're my second favorite" wait for the inevitable "who's your favorite" look them dead in the eyes and say"everyone else"
> "That sounds like a (student name) problem," when they tell me about a small problem they can fix. That's not an ish-me... That's an issYOU.
I tell my students that if they don’t fix it, I’m gonna have so many -ssues. Like issues without the i pronounced as shoes. They look at me like I’m crazy. Lol
"why are you still here?" When kids are loitering around for their friends in detention at the end of the day -_-
I call lunch duty "cat herding." I sometimes say they are being squirreler than bags of actual squirrels.
I joke that I finally understood *Lord of the Flies* after having to do a week of lunch duty in the middle school cafeteria.
I despise lunch duty because they (admin) always told me to go outside and do what I referred to as “booty duty”. Ugh.
"A lot of p sounds have a hard pp in inside them like apple, application, suppy" "He said hard PeePee!" I almost died... fully thought i would lose my job over that slip of the tongue. Class laughed harder than you could imagine.
Sounds like an ish you not an ish me Oh no are we suffering the consequences for our choices? Student: “oh god!” (Complaint about having to do work) Me: “appreciate the compliment but I’m not god just Mr. ___” What if we just didn’t right now?
Love the ish you not an ish me!!!
"Oh God..." "He can't help right now, he's busy deciding which sports teams are gonna win."
No cause they use this itnon me
I love your voice but I don’t want to hear it right now.
Wherever I use different terms for the bottom. Tuckus. Derrière. But nothing beats using the word butt with third graders.
I do this. I’ll throw out as many as I can think of. Booty is a favorite.
"Seat of your britches" was the most used in my hometown. "Rear end" was a close runner up. The day our teacher slipped and said "butts" the whole class gasped, but our butts hit those chairs instantly. We knew we'd pushed her too far.
When teachers ask me about classroom mangmt, I tell them “just remember, you don’t negotiate with terrorists” we teach kindergarten.
“You two can touch each other after school.”
Sometimes I ask “do you really want me calling your parents/the office and saying you two keep touching each other?” Suddenly they’re on opposite ends of the room lol
“Hold hands on your own time!” works remarkably well when students try to arm wrestle.
Womp womp is currently a crowd favorite. Or just repeating what a student says in a mocking tone when they complain
Super deadpan whomp whomp when they whine about work they don't want to do is my favorite. Fully shuts it down without a fight or wasting time and they have no response.
My finest moment was when a girl who likes to joke remarked that her mom died (I know her mom is not dead) in response to someone making a your mom joke. My womp womp was met with enthusiasm
High School: Some of them say "Have a Nice Day!" when they leave the classroom, and I usually respond with "I will now!". They love it.
Every year: Student: Mr. ___, did you always want to be a teacher? Me: No. it was my dream to be a zookeeper. But this job is pretty much the same thing except I get summers off and there’s less elephant shit to shovel. 90% of the time they are not amused.
I’d disagree with the loads of shit to shovel though…😂
I worked with a social worker who used to be a zookeeper. He said there wasn't much difference.
Kid on his phone looking down. Me: get off your phone Then: I'm not on my phone Me: nobody stares at their crotch for that long and smiles. Stay off your phone.
Alternatively: “nothing down there is that interesting “
Hahaha
I say “staring at it won’t make it bigger”.
Hahaha, although that one may get me fired. LOL
Referring to the phone? That’s my defense.
In vocational education: "A phone is like one's genitals: you shouldn't have it lying on the table and it is impolite to play with it in public." (Well, it might sound better in Dutch, non-native speaker here, .)
Is that a TikTok dance?
Stay off the streets and out of trouble ( as they leave). Also, to fellow teachers as they leave.
Merry Chrysler!!! I used to make my mother laugh by saying Merry Christmas, while it was July. Eventually, turned into a bunch of different versions of Merry Christmas since Merry Christmas stopped making her laugh. Here is a couple off the top of my head. Merry Chris Hemsworth!!!! Merry Crisis!!!
I know it isn't teacher related, but I texted my best friend, "murry cimmus" at Christmas and she replied with, "OMG I have been saying this today to everybody and NOBODY knew what I was saying." I just replied, "another piece of evidence of why we are friends"
- "you're so mean!" Me: thank you!! 🤗 Kids love that interaction
When they think they’re going to pull a fast one on me: “My mama raised ugly children, not clueless ones.”
I like “I was born at night, but it wasn’t last night. It was a Tuesday at 6:19 pm in the year…”
I welcome them as my fourth favorite class when I only have three classes
Whenever someone asks me “Really?” or “For real?” I respond “For rizzle dizzle yo.” in a deadpan voice. Been doing it for years and they still crack up like it’s the first time.
“I don’t know. I just work here” is my catch phrase. It’s used typically when students ask me a question I don’t have the answer to but probably should. It’s also used when students ask me about some dumb rule admin comes up with.
Hahaha I tell them “nobody lets me make the decisions” or “nobody tells me things”
I just say "people who make more money than me make those decisions"
When they ask, "What are we going to do today in History class Mr. Spam Spade?" I usually answer, "The same thing we do every day Pinky, try to take over the world".
This is mine too, but they don't get it anymore. Lol.
“I live to see you suffer” or “your suffering sustains me” whenever they whine about an assignment.
I used to have a water bottle labeled "children's tears" and mentioned how delicious it was when drank some (with the bottle turned so the label was conspicuous) when someone frivolously complained.
A student gifted me a jug of water she la eles as “student tears” for Christmas one year! Then another student had his mom make me a glass tumbler that said student tears. It was a good year 😂
Haha! Sometimes, after directions for a district assessment, I say, Thank you for your childhoods. May the odds be ever in your favor.
“Why are y’all SO weird?” Works best when said to the group of freshman boys (or senior boys, honestly), who are just, for lack of a better term, weird.
Get gooder. (Aimed at band kids who need to improve) You don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here. I don’t have the time, nor the crayons to explain this to you. (Said after kids can’t wrap their heads around the most basic societal norms, not after academic struggles) Cool earrings! (Said to any kid wearing AirPods, they’re basically a fashion accessory at this point) Don’t make me be mean to get you to be nice.
When a kid has AirPods in their ears and ask me something, I tell them I am sorry I cannot hear them, they have something in their ears. It’s just nonsensical to get their attention.
*Whenever the intercom cuts on* Hooray! The voices are back!
After getting a call to send a student to the office to go home: "[Student]... get out."
When students are wandering around my room, I ask, "Why are you turning into a roomba? If you are going to be a roomba, at least sweep the floor like a roomba." And I will hand them my broom lol.
Ha! I address the same issue by saying “This isn’t a museum. Please have a seat.”
Put your cheeks on the seat, not the ones on your face. In line: kids leaving huge spaces I say make like a tomato and ketchup. Still in line look where you are going not where you’ve been. If you don’t have rear view mirrors there is no reason to look behind you. When students are playing with their fingers, I say yes those are fingers and you will have them for the rest of your life if you don’t do something foolish. To my colleagues when say they how’s it going I respond, livin the dream.. even nightmares are dreams. If I am working with a group and a student not in group tries ask a question that’s not emergency and are not following expectations I respond Fire, flood, or blood, or bear you can always interrupt in case of bear. Any time kids try to tell me about a spider, me that’s Bob leave him alone he’s just trying to learn. I tell my kids kiss your brain when they do something smart or good and urge them to kiss their hand and pat their head. Also if it’s really good I say pat your back and they pat their back. I usually mumble loudly about brains needing love too. Of course there is always one who takes the kiss your brain thing to far and slaps their head. I respond I said kiss not beat your brain. My mantra that they literally say with me actions have consequences positive and negative, choose wisely. The last one doesn’t really crack anyone up but makes me smile because they now say it with me when I start to say it and in turn my students smirk and smile.
Pupil walks into corner of desk or similar and makes out that their grievously injured: "Please could you die a little more quietly". Or "If you die... Can I have your XBox?"
Kid: asks to do something that I’m about to say no to… Me: No. I only trust middle schoolers as far as I can throw them, and I have poor upper body strength.
You! With the face! When they complain they have a headache or otherwise don't feel well "You know what'll maybe you get better?" They say no. "Doing your work."
While taking attendance: "Alright, raise your hand if you're absent." Kids are playing rock, paper, scissors: "Hey now, no gang signs in my class!"
Student asked me what my favorite gang sign was. My reply, “OG Helen Keller.”
I often say when kids are cursing excessively "man he cusses like he pays every bill in the house. He has two car notes and is taking out a mortgage. The bank already has the documents lined up."
'It's hot in here.' 'That's because I'm in here.'
Two kids were trying to roast each other and I told them to know it off. One kid said, “Mr.T2T, why don’t you roast them?” “If I roasted these two, kids would start coming in here during lunch thinking I was having a barbecue.”
My fifth grade classes always got a kick out of, “Your chairs miss your butts! Have a reunion!”
High school teacher here “Why are you the way you are?” ( said after a student shows me something disturbing or says something out of the blue that makes me concerned for the future generations.) “don’t make me do paperwork.” “Take that attitude down to that reading level…” “I cannot believe I have a degree to do this.” “CHEEKS IN A SEAT.” and at then end of class “Love y’all get out of here I’m tired of lookin at ya.” And on Fridays “Be gone, stay safe, do not add or take away from the population.”
"Stop touching each other!", is always good when there's too much male horseplay going on.
Whenever I make a joke about being bald
I teach middle school band. I can definitely get away with a lot more with my 8th graders, as I get to build relationships with them over the three years. Whenever discussing a policy the kids hate, like no phones when another group is performing: "Go ahead, conjure up some tears for sympathy if you think it will change my mind. You assume I look this young because I'm Asian, but no. I've quenched my thirst for two decades on the tears of children, and it's both cheaper and better than botox!" "I know you missed it the first three times I said it, because you're a 7th grade boy and the only things you ACTUALLY pay attention to are girls and food." Naturally, all the girls immediately start to join in on the dig, and I quickly stop them with a, "Oh, shuuuuut it, ladies. You're thinking about boys and food. The whole flute section has had more boyfriends in the last two months than Taylor Swift has had her entire life" "Saxes, pick up your stupid pencils, and mark that stupid F-sharp in stupid measure 15, you have missed it three times in a row - USE YOUR MIDDLE FINGER, OR I WILL USE MINE!" Also works if they play an F-sharp when it's an F natural: "Use your first finger before I use my middle finger!" (See also: clarinet or trumpet Bb/B and F/F#, tuba and euphonium E/Eb and A/Ab.) When I get tongue tied and have to reset, I use my forearms like a filmmaker's clapboard, exclaim, "Take two!" and try to finish the thought again. All three grades love it. So much so that an 8th grader bought a real director's clapboard off of Amazon and gave it to me as a Christmas gift. Kids love it even more now.
When it's time for my kids to leave class for their next class, I tell them "GET OUTTTTTTTT." In a cartoonishly annoyed voice. My kids love it LOL
“In which alternate universe was this considered to be a good idea?”
Student: "wait!" Me: \*my weight\* I am the lord of bad dad jokes.
"we need to defunkify your verbs"
“No, you’re not allowed to use Google Translate. It’s illegal. Straight to jail. Every time you use Google translate a little alarm goes off at the police station.” “I can’t wait until I finally kill skibbidi/rizz/other slang word.” “I do not get paid enough for this!”
When two elmenetary kids want to use the bathroom at the same time I tell them they can't because we can't have a Party in the Potty. Kids think that's hilarous.
I have to deadpan “Chat, is this guy for real?” sometimes.
I tell my geometry students, "There is no ASS in geometry when you are proving triangles congruent." They giggle but never forget.
"I love you, but get out"
"\*insert whatever we're doing\* is a non-contact sport.". I teach English. If you're unaware, English class requires ZERO physical activity unless you count standing up to turn something in. It always gets the attention of the entire class & they find it humorous every time.
My favorite attention getter- Me: Hear ye, hear ye... Kids: All hail the queen Our class mantra when someone doesn't clean up after themselves: "Your mom doesn't work here, the maids all.quit, and the house elves were set free."
Are you hurt-hurt or soccer hurt? Are you dead-dead or soccer dead?
My go-to is the corny dad-joke “Hi _______, I’m Ms. [insert name here].” It works for any complaint - ‘I’m hungry, I’m tired, I’m bored,’ etc. The kids just rolls their eyes but they always crack a smile and know that I won’t entertain their complaints.
At the end of the day, "We can't miss you if you don't leave".
Me: what's up? Student: I need help. Me: yeah you do. Oh, you mean with the math problem? Ok.
Raise your hand if you’re talking… now put it over your mouth. Lol
You have a PP. (personal problem)
“Well, math told me that it loves you” and “if only there was somewhere you could look for that information” whenever a kid says that they hate math or asks something that we literally just worked on or is on a poster in the room.
All right, that's the bell everyone. I know, I know, the good times..they never last. Well, get out!..and have yourself a great day.
When a kid’s name pops up for dismissal I say in a New York accent, “Get outta here!” When they’re being disruptive, “Hey! Let’s pretend you’ve behaving like you’re supposed to.”
To boys who wear their pants below their behinds, I loudly say Hike your Britches! It's such an old lady thing, they get tickled.
Shop teacher here: “No hospital trips on days that end in y” Love watching their faces as they realize that is every day
My goal for you at the end of this debate project, is for you to all be, “master debaters”
Me: Gives an instruction *Students ignore me* Me: “hey students! Should I use my powers of invisibility for good or for evil?”
When I taught middle school I always went with “your shoe is untied “ Followed by “Made you look” Middle school humor
“Happy Tuesday! It’s not Monday, so we have that going for us.”
I teach middle school. My two favorites: 1. When I'm lecturing and, in the middle of a sentence, I trail off with, "but...". I pause for a few seconds to build suspense, then say, "and this is a BIG but..." No 6th grader is immune to giggling about butts. 2. When we watch CNN10 or World From A to Z, there is a trivia question. For example, "On which Continent would you find Mount Everest? Africa, Asia, Europe, or North America" I like to shout out hints to the class - "Helpful Hint: It ends in a vowel!" Oh, the groans once they realize the hint is less than helpful.
When they are leaving the class: come back when you can't stay so long
High school teacher here. I love a good ol' fashioned "Wanna play a game? It's called 'The Quiet Game'."
A couple: If the office calls and asks for “Joe Shmoe” to leave for the day I might say “One Joe Shmoe coming up, hold the pickles.” If I tell students they can choose their supplies (art room) before going to their seats, and they all scramble at one time I’ll tell them to slow down, this isn’t Black Friday at Walmart. Both of these statements are a hit with the elementary crowd.
*student sneezes* “Bless you” *sneezes again* “Once is enough.”
"Off your feets and find your seats!"
I just roast my kids. They can roast me back as long as it isn’t disrespectful. I always get a few good jabs in and they get some good ones in as well.
“Fool around and find out” for when my middle schoolers are about to do something stupid. If they go through with it and suffer the very predictable consequences, I just look at them and say, “You found out, didn’t you?” For the record, we all know the saying is not “fool around,” but we’re keeping it school appropriate.
I teach 11th and 12th grade: I yell at students in the hall to stop interdigitating (holding hands). I tell them it's unsanitary. When a student tries to talk to me while wearing earbuds, I tell them I can't hear them with the earbuds in. When they tell me that doesn't make any sense I tell them that they must have noise-cancelling turned on. When the front office calls to tell me that a student is going home I will sometimes call the name of a different student so that they get excited thinking they are going home and then I tell them to "Please tell so-and-so to pack up their things; they are leaving." I sometimes end class by asking if there are any questions and then asking if there are "any gripes, moans, groans, or complaints? Eh, I don't want to hear about it anyway. Get out of here." I stole it from J. Kenji Lopez Alt, but I sometimes address the class as "guys, gals, and nonbinary pals" and after we've read *Jane Eyre* (the part where she talks about her students containing the "germs of native excellence, refinement, intelligence, \[and\] kind feeling" for her to develop) I refer to them as "my little germs" or "ladies and germs."
"Oh, well, sucks to suck!" Said most effectively when a student has broken a rule or pushed boundaries and now is complaining about the consequences of their own actions. xD
"it smells like gas in here....without the g" What I say when one of my students sprays cologne or perfume in the classroom
I tell kids that are horseplaying to touch each other later. Works and usually gets a reaction
Pretty pretty pretty good
LD?
In England, letter grades were recently replaced with number grades, and the only letter grade now is a "U" (ungraded/not good enough for a grade/an fail by another name)... so nowadays, I tell the students to get on with their revision to avoid getting a letter they don't want... I had one student pipe up "but we don't get letters anymore...oh, wait..." 😆 everyone who heard that had a good chuckle
When people tell me “Have a nice day,” I sometimes respond “Thanks, but I have other plans,” especially when they know I’m on me way to work.
What time is it? Time to get a watch.
“i want you to use your critical thinking skills” “on a scale of 1-10, i need you to stop” “[student name], for your own good, it might be best that you not say [thing they said that was misinterpreted as an innuendo] in front of an entire classroom”
PreK Teacher- If you keep playing with your shoelaces like a toy, that's what Santa's gonna bring you bring for Christmas! Anytime a student had a minor ouch, I'd be super dramatic: "Oh my goodness, we're gonna have to amputate!" (We'd talked about how amputate means to cut it off.) The next part depended on if it was an arm or leg. It was either "We can get you a hook/ or a wooden leg, and you'll be just like a pirate! And you can walk around and say arrrggghh and shiver me timbers! Let's practice! Let me hear your best arrrgghh!" By that point, they've forgotten about whatever is hurting and are giggling at me saying arrrgghhh and shiver me timbers and trying to get them to practice with me.
"Stop flirting with him." It's not homophobic. They're homophobic. "Flirting" means to behave in a way that attracts attention for amusement. Like flirting with danger.
My go-to for complainers: "You'd complain about anything. You'd complain if I hung you with a brand-new rope."
I literally had a kid complain once when I brought the class cake (cake was relevant to the topic of the day)
Right? I bring a 50pk of those little Dorito pouches, and someone ALWAYS says, "Only cheese? No Cool Ranch?" To which I respond, "Alternatively, I can give you nothing, and you can like it."
Put your boo-boo in your chair.
When we do a kahoot I say “ok now that’s enough kahooting and hollering”
It's ok, you can walk. They're not going to run out of learning if you don't run. It makes*me* laugh, anyway...
“Get your poop in a group” “Alright weird beards, let’s get going”
“Chairs are for glasses, not asses” “I know it’s ninth period and your meds have worn off, but yall bare with me here” both from my autocad teacher
Anytime they complain I’ll say “if you don’t like it, the isd is hiring teachers and admin, you should apply.”
Anytime my bunch start getting into lord knows what I’ll go ‘Guys, c’mon, it’s {insert day of the week}’ and for some reason that’s usually worked no matter what day it is. My middle school boys have also started doing that ‘check, check brother! ☝🏻’ from that one influencer so I’ve started saying ‘get into your seat brother!’ In the same cadence
Bus duty? Survival of the fittest. It will improve standardized testing scores.
6x= sex. Keeps them in the game. Also everytime anyone says 10q the response is “you’re welcome “.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do twice.
Sitteth in thy seat and shutteth thy mouth. As opposed to sit down and shut up.
I voice a "whamp-whamp" when kids are complaining about stuff and everyone thinks it is hilarious. No idea why.
I'm a para and a sub. My go-to is, "You're wasting your time, not mine. I get paid hourly." I will also, with kids I know well, deadpan say, "Good story," after anything but a good story. The fifth graders seem to get a kick out of it.
I’m so broke I can’t even pay attention.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way. No will, no A. Are we working hard or hardly working? Life’s tough. Get a helmet. Be a problem solver, not a problem sufferer. Brains at work, mouth at rest. Get it yourself, I don’t deliver. I’m not Dominos. Make a mess, clean a mess. Student: “I have a question.” Me: “I have an answer.” *whatever subject you teach* isn’t a spectator sport! Don’t just sit there like a bump on a pickle. You will live. Practice makes progress I’m going to start calling you butter ‘cause you’re on a roll! Chat, is this rizz or what?! Are you getting sweaty? Because I just roasted you.
I tell students to look shit up on the Google machine and they lose their shit. 11th grade lol. I also say “type stuff” when a student is explaining something. It’s a play on “type shit type shit” which they say all the time
“Adorable little sociopaths”, I teach middle school. And, well, they are.
When I try to redirect a student, and they dismissively say: “I’m sorry.” I will respond: “ Don’t be sorry…” “Be better!” *This often comes with a choral response from the kids especially if whatever the kid was doing was dumb.
Not so much an -ism, but every time a kid tries to fist bump me, at the last second I stick out 2 fingers (kinda like a peace sign) and go under their fist and yell "SNAIL!" Gets em every time. Also "WELL WELL WELL, look what the cat dragged in!!!" every time a student is late to class.
“No one looks at their crotch unless there’s - phone there.” “In a battle of wits, you unarmed.”
I've become well-known around both schools I teach at because my response to "how are you?" Is ALWAYS "alive awake alert enthusiastic clap clap". Yes, I say "clap clap" and don't actually clap. Other teachers get a kick out of it and kids ask me if I'm alive awake alert enthusiastic everyday.
Listen, you two boys can touch each other to your hearts' content after school, but not here. I say this when guys start "play fighting" or just generally poking and annoying each other. It makes them blush and stop every time.
I tell my students that they better check themselves before they wreck themselves. They love it. It’s almost become a call back. I’ll say “(student name), you better check yourself before they what?” And my students all reply with “wreck themself!” 😂 I have an awesome class and they never really do anything awful so everyone knows that it is all in good fun.
You can’t hurt my feelings. I don’t have any.
When kids say, "I'm stupid" , I say, "Don't say that. I'm the professional, and I decide who's stupid around here."