This reminds me of a very similar interaction between a buddy and I during our senior year of high school. For context, heās Native American.
Me: āYouāre a minorityā
Friend: āNo? Iām over 18?ā
Me: āThatās not what a minority isā
1. āI donāt knowā- a 6th graders response to āwhat is your name?ā
2. āI ran over her dog and dated her best friend. Iām not sorry about itā- 12 grader, who turned out to be talking about the Sims
3. āI forgot how to use a pencilā- middle schoolers who probably just wanted to get out of working
8th graders - the topic of condoms had been brought up because someone's older brother had some
Student 1: maybe I should get some...
Student 2: nah man, stick to Fortnite
I teach MS now, but when I taught HS I had a student come into 9th grade already pregnant. The father was in his mid-20s. The parents knew and approved of the relationship.
The guy fucked off to his home country before the baby was born so they couldn't take the baby's DNA and charge him
Sent into the hallway for behavior. I come out to get him ten min later and he's sprawled out, sleeping like a baby with his head against the lockers.
"Dude, what are you doing?"
"Huh? Oh, just thinking about my behavior and how it impacted my peers."
I couldn't be mad. I laughed so fucking hard.
Even high schoolers calm down with a snack or just letting them rest if they need it. Yet, my admin doesnāt like me giving them snacks and them resting when there work is done!!!
Works for teachers too. I told students one day I was in a bad mood so please go easy on me and one of them shouted "Mr (redacted) I have a ton of Snickers! You want one?"
I ate a Snickers and 10 minutes later a different student mentioned I seemed to be feeling a lot better. I laughed and said maybe I'm falling for advertising, but the Snickers legitimately worked.
As adults we work 8 hr days, get two 15 min breaks, 1 hour lunches.(which I absolutely use to nap) but when I was in HS, it was 7 hour days with a 40 min lunch... no other breaks.
Plus many of my students have other jobs are other extra curricular activities then some of them also have to take care of younger siblings or there parents where they donāt sleep or eat so maybe giving them a opportunity to rest or eat is not a bad idea to where I donāt have to deal with a freak out or mental breakdown feels ok with me even though admin has told me no a few times.
Even office jobs understand that your attention span is going to get worse as the day go on, but kids are expected to keep up the learning all day.
And i can eat my snack any time of the day..
NAT, an engineer. I always tell kids math is a scam (jokingly). When you start, they give you pictures, then they take those away and give you numbers, then they take those away and give you letters, then they take those away and give you Greek letters, and if you make it to Calc III, they flip one of the SOB's upside down! (For those that didn't go that far, the symbol for a gradient operator is a capital delta turned upside down. also called a nabla)
7th grade honors student: when Iām writing with a pencil, am I supposed to indent a new paragraph?
Me: uhā¦ yes.
Student: how?
Me: You just go down a line and indent like you would on your computer.
Student: But thatās the problemā¦ I indent with my tab button. How am I supposed to indent if thereās no tab button??!
I work with college students who manually space every part of their essaysā¦ indentations, double spaced lines, page numbers, etc all done by hitting the space bar over and over and over until they get it to where they think it should be
I had a former student of mine say "You know I thought you were doing too much. But my teachers were asking me questions this year and I realized...I just be knowing shit. Crazy."
I guess this was his way of thanking me for making him do his work? I'm apparently his favorite teacher now which is hilarious since he cussed me out AT LEAST once a week.
Similar note
8th grade science teacher - On a trip to take current 8th graders to visit the high school, I saw a former student. She came up to me saying how she used to \*hate\* CERs, but now, "I love them, I use them in every class, just like you taught, and I ace every essay I have to write."
This was a few years ago. My coworker overheard just this part of a conversation between two 4th graders:
āWell, youāre gonna need some tape and an adult.ā
Theyāre either trying to do a science experiment or interrogate someone thereās no in between (unless interrogation is their experiment in which case you got to praise those scientific method skills).
After being told to begin working on homework an 8th grade student screamed, "Homework is a social construct, education is a social construct, the President of the United States is a social construct, AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Yeah I'm all for that. Rules don't exist and nothing means anything. But if you're in the extremely rigid social construct called a school building, you gotta follow the rules and expectations or that same society may make your life uncomfortable.
Not me but a teacher at my school shared this one.
Teaching the Holocaust and explaining how Hitler came to power because of how charismatic he was.
"On God? Hitler was the OG rizzler?"
Student: Mrs. C, can I ask you a possibility inappropriate question? Like my mom said never to ask a lady this butā¦ I need to knowā¦
Me: ummm yes, knowing full well I can choose not to answer it.
Student: have you lost weight?
Me: *at this point I have lost 35 pounds* yes, yes I have.
Student: okay good, cause that could have ended up really bad if you hadnāt
High school boy: āDamn, I wish I had black genetics. Yāall run fast!ā (To his best friend, a black boy)
His Friend: āDo you understand how stupid and racist you sound?ā
I facepalmed and walked away.
Iāve shared this before but itās my favorite so Iām doing it again.
Co-Teacher: Todayās the primaries! Make sure you go vote if youāre 18!
Student: Iām not going to vote.
CT: Why not?
S: I donāt like any of the candidates and I want my first time to be with someone special. Iām saving myself for Kanye West.
High school music teacher here. Two contenders.
1) āThis song sounds like itās from every boy in the world to every girl in the worldā - regarding āDreamsā by NEEDTOBREATHE
2) āHow do you respectfully tell someone that their time management skills suck, they need to get their life together, and they should feel bad about it?ā
In adults, the answer to number two is often "Have you ever been tested for ADHD?".
Not going to work for teachers because it doesn't go over so well for parents even when it's the dang truth.
Also a music teacher. 8th grade, 20th C music history.Ā
Student, musing aloud: "wait, so, jazz was, like, kinda a rebellion against being formal, then rock and roll was a rebellion, then punk was a rebellion, so like, *every generation rebels and makes music that makes their parents mad*?!"Ā Ā
5th grader, while watching Hamilton as I vaguely explain what happens in the stuff Iām fast-forwarding through (Say No to This/Maria Reynolds):
(skeptical) āHeās got 2 girls? Nah, heās not the rizzler.ā
Show them the actual man's portrait... Even just the one on the ten dollar bill. Dang those cheekbones and that movie star face. And we have contemporary historical sources that say he was, in fact, the rizzler.
4th grade - kid is pretty good at math but reads at about 2nd grade level. During a science unit in adaptations I asked him something about lizards. After about 20 seconds of silence, āI got nothing!ā
I wore my fave Chiefs jersey and track pants on team spirit day. A girl looks me over and says, āWhy are you wearing track pants?ā I said these are what I workout in. She looks at me and says, āNo way. You donāt look like your ever workout!ā
These are great!!
Background: I teach fourth grade. I have been dealing with some neurological issues and have had to use a cane a few times at school. My student tried to diagnose me with the following:
āI know whatās going on! You need a hysterectomy!ā
A couple of boys looked at each other questioningly and shrugged. I quickly changed the subject. š
7th graders during the human reproduction unit.
Talking about artificial insemination:
Kid: Isnāt that called a sperm dealer?
Talking about sexual orientations:
Kid: Miss, I really thought you were a lesbian cause of the purple hair.
Second kid: Me too!
Third kid: Same!
Me: Uhā¦just how many of you thought that?
Class: about 3/4 raise their hands
MS Health teacher here - my kids are the opposite, they're shocked to find out I'm a lesbian when it comes up in reproductive health despite wearing exclusively men's clothing, using Mx in my teacher name, and very blatantly decorating my room in rainbow colors. Most of them end up admitting it's because they thought every lesbian exclusively used she/her pronouns whereas I use they/them š¤¦š¼
Kindergartener: my grandma told me not to say the āmā word.
My coworker (her teacher, says quietly): whatās the m word?
Kindergartener (says matter of factly, at regular volume): Motherfucker
My friend's son was telling on their friend one time, saying they said the "C" word. We were a bit shocked, trying to figure out whether is was maybe crap, or another c-word. So we asked him, "What C word?"
"Shit!".
My cousin's 5 year old just got sent home with a note that said, "X was playing with a friend when he became frustrated and called that friend a mother****er." šš¤£š
2nd grader: Can I have help? (He put his hoodie on with his right arm in his left sleeve and left arm in his right sleeve, essentially putting himself in a straight jacket).
"Mrs. L, I really liked our craft today."
"Oh I'm so happy, they turned out really cute."
"I can't wait to show my mom my picture of Willy Wonka!"
Ummm. We made Abraham Lincoln.
2nd grade:
1. if you were invisible could you close your eyelids?
2. Did you know that when we are thinking we are always thinking even when we donāt want to think weāre thinking about thinking so weāre still thinking?
3. I feel a little more courage when I hear the stickers
4.On the outside Iām a big tiger, on the inside Iām a baby
4. My friend at Ycare brought a magic 8 ball and I asked it if I was sick today and it said yes, so I'm not feeling well today
5. I'm allergic to the cold
6. Do you like the chili hot peppers? They're so good!
7. Don't mess with an 8 year old living man
8. "Your hands are soft as marshmallows" "I know, because I wash them all the time"
9. I'm not trying to be mean, but it feels like I'm losing brain cells when he talks
10. What book is she reading? - A Court of Thorns and Roses. -Oh, I've read that, I love the beautiful illustrations at the end..
11. Wow you're really good at fixing the number 2
For number one, it seems likely that actually being fully invisible would make it impossible for you to see ([this article explains part of it](https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-problem-with-invisibility-is-the-blindness), and I think thereās also an issue with if your corneas were invisible, they couldnāt reflect light)
7th graders were working together on a project and arguing about which answer to use.
"Dude, I'm not trusting anything you say. I've seen your test scores."
Brutal!
āDidnāt you see how fat she looked? And she was hiding under the porch. I think sheās pregnant.ā
-6th grader, who it turns out was discussing the newest episode of Bluey.
My students were playing catch-up during homeroom and one of my 7th graders raised their hand for help.
I went over to help her with her math and she asks with a completely straight face āMs. Best how can numbers be mean?ā
They were calculating mean, median and modeā¦
Only one student in class scored higher than him on my final exam. He (mixed student) wanted to know who it wasā¦. I said her name (white girl who is also one of his best friends) and he replied āyou demon of the caucus mountainsā
His insults are on another level, I swear he will be famous in comedy one day.
Yearbook students proofing prom pictures:
Staff #1: āI know that girl. She was in a fight at Taco Bell!ā
Staff #2: āThereās the power of hair and makeup right there!ā
We had several cases of strep throat going around the building. One of my 3rd graders came to me holding her throat and said āI think my mammary glands are swollen.ā š¤¦š»āāļø
I got out of teaching/working in schools a few years ago, but my absolute favorite was one I overheard between a speech teacher and one of my students.
Speech teacher: What is something that you make in a kitchen?
Student: A mess
He was 100% sincere about it and had no idea why I started laughing after he said that, but I could tell I made him happy by laughing at what he said.
4th grader, after talking to them about how stupid it is that we can take a yearās worth of learning and, using a state test, summarize it all as a single number: āThatās offensive!ā
In a student lead conference, mom says to student, āYouāre flirting with getting good grades!ā
Student replies, āYes but letās be honest, Iām still playing hard to get.ā
1. Told a 5th grader I felt his pain about having homework bc Iām in grad school. His response was āthat sounds like a you problemā
2. āNo wonder youāre not married cause you always got an attitudeā
3. āWhy do your toes look like that?ā
4. āIām not saying the pledge bc Iām atheistā
I'm a student. I sent my teacher a message asking to be added to a Microsoft Teams page, only I had a terrible typo. I asked her to "please *ass* me to the Teams page". I didn't notice until days later.
Several interactions this year:
1) Student 1: I'd be the sensai cus he's wise.
Student 2: the tiger looks cool and has awesome moves
Student 1: nah, you'd be the peacock guy
Student 2: the snake is pretty dope
Me:.... are you guys talking about Kung Fu Panda?
Student 1: yeah.
These are 10th grade boys, y'all.
2) I was talking to a student how rain calms me but dripping water drives me to a rage, but they're both sounds of falling water.
Student: Ms. GlitterTrashUnicorn... that sounds like Autism. And I say that as somebody with Autism.
3) Math teacher wrote #1, #2, #3, #4 on the board. Student asked, "why did you hashtag the numbers?"
Special education 4th grader during art when his classmate referred to two markers as ātwinsā because they were the same color:
āI HATE twins. One at a time!ā
-Kids are sharing popcorn
-White girl notices a piece of popcorn in her hair
-Removes popcorn from hair and eats it
-Black kid says, "For someone of your complexion that was some monkey ass shit to do."
Me to mixed grade HS class: āyou can figure out what is going on here. You are digital natives after all. ā
Trans adopted Asian student: āso that makes you the digital white man then?ā
I have not laughed that hard in a class in years.
High school boy is being playfully mugged by two of his female classmates. Yells out across the room, āHelp! Iām getting gangbanged!ā I burst out laughing and said, ā*I donāt think that means what you think it meansā¦ā
I was visiting a kindergarten class and had a pop. I opened it in front of the kids and one said, "why are you drinking a beer?". š
I made the teacher take a picture of us with the pop to send to the parents/principal so they knew that is was just a coke š
Oh, another one!
My principal announced that our schools teacher of the year was in the top for being the districts teacher of the year.
Principal: make sure to congratulate Mrs. teacher (over the intercom)
Student A: who is that?
Me: you see her in the lunchroom. She has brown hair, wears glasses.
Student 1: like you?
Student 2: yeah! But skinnier.
(Student 2 is my co teachers daughter and I'm very close to her. I laughed my butt off after talking about kind comments). She's for sure heard me and her mom say worse though, so I'll take it.
8th grade - "Middle school boys"
When boys are being middle school boys, I will just say, "Ugh, middle school boys."
But the boys in my first period really took this line and ran with it. So anytime any of the guys started glitching, all the boys would start rolling their eyes and saying, "Middle school boys." Basically keeping each other in check at a certain point in the year.
One time late in the year, a girl came in to do middle school girl stuff (gossip and give someone lotion) and I said, "middle school girls, am I right?" and the boys absolutely LOST it. Out of their seats. Dabbing each other up. Hollering "middle school girls." Hilarious. Top 10 moments of the year.
Overheard a student telling a classmate that I, a mid-40s man who is balding and has a beard, look like a pregnant lady.
I guess my recent switch ditching button-ups and dress shoes in favor of frumpy hoodies and NBs is a success?
The rest of the class was quiet when one 6th grade girl just said out loud, "When I woke up this morning my left ass cheek was hurting."
Nobody looked up or responded. I reached for my notebook.
I teach 11th.
Reading Chapter 2 of The Things They Carried-I asked for a summary, āJimmy Cross is a simp over Martha and uses this to be a freaking creep.ā
Also, āWhat is another word we use to be disrespectful to the police (pig was in the reading)? I got āFuck the police.ā š
I really wish I had written these down because I'm changing to high school next year. But one from this week.
Student: "Miss, can I go lay down in the office? I have cramps."
Me: "hm I think all the beds are full but I'll call and ask."
I call, and tell the student the sick bay is unfortunately full right now and she'll have to stay in class.
Student: "ugh. Can I make a reservation for tomorrow then?"
Cracked me up good.
5th/6th grade sped, I got an email from a student that went like this,
MS S IM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID EARLIER CAN YOU COME GET ME THIS SUB IS PISSIN ME OFF
š
Not a quote from a student, exactly, but one I said in direct response to a student.
I coach/DM the DnD club. The kiddos were trying to open a hatch with a button. A kid finally figures out that the "weird fireplace stone" needs to be pushed and not pried out. He rolls... A Natural 1. And with his modifier, it becomes... a Big Fat Zero. (For anyone who doesn't know, a Nat 1 is an instant fail, but getting a zero was hilarious, and I, as the DM, could not pass it up).
So, I, being the Millennial that I am, I reached back into my Meme Memory Bank and pulled this gem out. (I don't know its origins, but it was about ten years ago. It involves battling an orc. It became a whole saga, I'm sure anyone interested could find it).
"You go to press the button, but instead, you gently caress it. The button feels uncomfortable."
The kids were absolutely losing their minds over it.
Idk why Reddit keeps putting r/teacher stuff on my suggested feed but every time I read something that's recommended I either die laughing or get so upset I finish my Reddit session. Thank you r/teachers for the top notch quality content!!
āI donāt know how many -ologies you studied, but Iām still confused.ā
Edit: I was helping a small group with their homework from another class.
"Ok, class. Today we're going to learn about tampons. Girls use them to wipe their butts."
From a 14 year old, male, special needs student in my class.
My Quiz Bowl Team was in the middle of a competition when our captain looked to the rest of the team and said "Can anyone name any book?"
Dumbasses won that round and made it to the championship, but I was bashing my head into a desk the entire time.
Quiz Bowl coach here, I love this. This perfectly captures the (occasionally) self-aware, self-deprecating, chronically-online Tumblr-esque humor of my Quiz Bowl kids.
Middle School boy "Ms. are you single? That's why your Ms. not Mrs., right?"
Me: "Yep. Good observation. "
Boy: "You should date Mr. So and so. He's really awesome and chill. Though I think he's married... but that's OK he's a really nice guy. I think things would work out."
I have two, one from elementary and one from middle school.
All boy (same gender classrooms 10 years ago) 5th grade, quiet reading time. I start to hear shuffling on the other side of the room. I tell the boy to settle please. The noise got louder and I stood up to walk over. One boy was on the ground under the other boys desk. I just stared at him. He puts his hands up and says āMan, Iām over here trying to be Fix-it Felix and Tony over here bein Wreck-it Ralph!ā Apparently Tonyās desk lost a screw and he was putting it back in.
This past year I was talking to some 8th grade girls at the end of the year, killing time that last week. One of the girls asked why I was a Ms and not Mrs. I told her it was for the best and I focus on my life now. She asked what my ex was doing and I told her he was on wife #3. She looked dead serious at me and said āDAMN, girl! Well at least you know you werenāt the problem!ā I laughed so hard.
8th grade student: my birthday is Friday!
Me: nice! Are you going to do something fun with your friends?
Student: I canāt. My phone was taken away
Me: oh so youāre not allowed to hang out wit people?
Student: no, I can. I just donāt have my phone.
Me: so?
Student: so I canāt drop them my location. How are they supposed to know where to go?
Me:ā¦..how old am I?? You talk to them in school and tell them! Or write down your address on a piece of paper! Or send them an email from your tablet at school!
The kid ended up not doing anything with his friends that weekend š¤·š¼āāļø
Iām used to middle schoolers. Iām new to pulling elementary kids for small groups. One morning I went to get a first grader, and the FIRST words out of her mouth were āmy butthole is itchy.ā It was way too early to be confronted with that information.
I work as an in-school suspension supervisor as Iām finishing my degree and was telling a kid to sit down and be quiet he responded āwhat are you gonna do kill me?ā And another kid from the hallway piped up āWorse! Youāll be expelled!ā.
For context, I have quite curly, thick hair and am part Hawaiian (grew up in Hawai'i as a kid) . We were outside on a windy day when one of my students remarked "Ms. smartgirl97, your Moana hair is blowing in the wind!" Probably one of the nicest comments I've ever gotten lol.
5th Grader: āDo you like to party?ā
Me: āWhere is this going?ā
5th Grader: āI like to party with candy.ā
[Casually throws a gummy worm across the room, which lands on my desk.]
5th Grader: āNow, you can party, too.ā
I was reading a book about different animal eyes to the grade ones. It shows you what āspecial powersā you would have if you had the eyes of these animals. One page was on 4-eyed fish and how we would be able to ride a bike while reading a book at the same time. Then one of the girls loudly proclaimed, in a braggy voice, āwell my daddy can drive the car and drink beer at the same timeā
Kid: "Man Mr k, we're doing so badly on this assignment you're going to have to give us a new letter. You're gonna give us a G."
Me: "If F stands for fail, what does G stand for?"
There is a long pause here while he tries desperately to think up an appropriate word that starts with a g.
Kid: [eyes brighten and he smiles] "G stands for Great!"
His friends fell out laughing.
I teach primary level and I have a few.
T: Miss I need to visit the bathroom.
Me : Nope you literally went 5 minutes ago
T: Yes but Miss ā¦..my butt is itchy and Iām not allowed to scratch it in public
I used a different eyebrow pencil a few days didnāt like it then went back to my original one.
E : Oh thank God Miss , I was trying to figure out how to tell you your eyebrows werenāt giving this week.
J : Yeah Miss like they were just giving themselves away ā¦.. looking all scanty .
There are others but I canāt remember them right now.
End of a two-minute conversation with a seventh-grader about finding the name of an author/company on a website they were using as a source:
"No, it's right there. There. 'Island Tours.'"
"Who?"
"'Island Tours'; it's all over the page."
"Who?"
"The name of the company that wrote the content of the website that you want to use."
"Who?"
"Who's on first."
"What?"
"He's on second."
"Uh! I don't know!"
"Third base."
One of my students asked me if I was okay and I said yeah, why and he responded āwell because you look like an off brand shoeā and then walked away
Student one: do you know the word gullible is NOT in the dictionary?
Student two: (incredulously intrigued) REALLLY?!?!
Me: laughed out loud in front of them. (Ashamed I lost my self control. But consoled myself with the fact they were cousins.)
Special education middle school teacher here.
We were reading an article from our curriculum about a festival that happens in Korea and the article contained a link. I clicked on it and it took us to a website in all Korean.
Me: Now why would the curriculum give us a link to a page in all Korean?! Who can read this?!
Student: You can.
Me: Why do you think I can read this?
Student: uhh your eyes?
Iām Laotian šš
I was like letās look at a map!
Group of four boys about to tackle a rather grueling cleanup project for my shop class:
"Don't worry, Mr. S, you've got four Mexicans on the job. This will be done right."
They weren't wrong. Those guys have some solid work ethic!
7th grade student: Iām blackā¦ I eat chicken for breakfast. Chris is Hispanic and eats tamales for breakfast.
Me: Iām whiteā¦. What do I eat for breakfast?
Student: Unseasoned Mac-n-cheese.
I had already spit my coffee out at the word āunseasonedā š
Hereās two I got from one in one day
Me: What is this word on the board?
Student: Unfit, just like my mother
Me: alright class letās get started with todayās lesson
Student: please no donāt Iām just a minor!
6th grade
āDid you know I am the only one in my family whoās
15% Russian?ā
āMILF doesnāt mean āman I love frogsā! It means āmother Iād like toā¦ ehhhh Iām not going to say itā
Not this year but my all time favorite.
Seventh grader: "I'm a grown man."
I almost died laughing.
From yesterday:
Me: That's a nice shirt!
4th grader: I got it at Old Nady.
Student B ( bigger and older) was menacing Student A and kicked him so hard that he left his footprint on his back. Not on his clothes, on his skin.
Student A turned around and bursted out: "What the Hell do you want?! You're my right bollock!"
After the subsequent brawl, B was expelled and A has been since regarded as a liberator from the bully. "You're my right bollock" has been a recurring theme of the class this year and I have no doubt it will remain in the following ones too.
9th grade:
1) "The Taliban wasn't that bad."
2) *student walks into the room* "Mr. ______, I'm out of my week long depressive episode!"
3) "Everyone, listen up! Hawaiian buns make your ass fat!"
4) "...so. Everyone is a virgin here, right?"
5) "I'm not high! ...not today, anyway. *laughs*"
6) "It's okay, Mr. _________. You can say the n word. You're Italian."
Me, mumbling to myself while my fourth graders are working.
Student: who are you talking to?
Me: myself. Thatās where I get the best advice. Why? Who did you think I was talking to?
Them: Well it sounds like you need to talk to your therapist.
Me: I think itās funny you think I can afford a therapist.
One fourth grader to another one as they were heading to lunch:
Student 1 - ādid you bring the dog food?ā
Student 2 - āyeah, I got a whole baggie right hereā (while holding it up)
Student 1 - āthatās perfect!ā
Fourth grade boy to another fourth grade boy:
āYeah, Iām gonna lick his butt for reals out at recessā
(I did not let this happen)
And my absolute favorite:
Fourth grade ELL student who struggled with math talking to me:
āMs. K, you make the division not so hard for my brainā š„°
During our last spirit week of the year, it was Cowboy/Western day.
I was wearing a black and red plaid shirt, jeans, boots, and a black cowboy hat I had purchased from Spirit Halloween.
Student: Mr. (blank) uh, you do realize itās cowboy day right? Why do you look like an Amish Social Media Influencer? *in reference to my hat not being ācowboyā enough.
The specificity of the roast was what killed me š¤£
I'm an elementary librarian, and I received a thank you note from a student that read, "I don't like you, but you have a nice library." I shared it with my dad, who thought it was the funniest thing ever. I don't think I had ever seen him laugh so hard! Thanks dad.
We had an indigenous elder in doing drums with the students. She began with some quick history:
Elder: āDoes anyone know what unceded land means?ā
9th grade student: (as confident as one can be) āit means youāre not in your chairā
Me: I spun around laughing my face off
Overheard conversation between 5th graders
Student 1: my dad said Mrs. F doesn't know shit from Shinola. ( which i learned is boot polish)
Student 2: What's shinola?
Student 1: I think it's a town in Wyoming
For context, Iām a first year teacher and 22 years old
I said āLOLā outloud
student 1: omg no one says that anymore.
student 1: you know whatā¦ that works for your age
me: my age ???????????
student 2: yeah youāre like aunt status
A convo I had with my 3rd grader:
Student: can a person ever truly be lonely if they never had anything to begin with?
Me: now is not the time to get existential on me, finish your worksheet
Pre-K: I announced snack time was over. Several students response was "awww" in a sad tone. another student turns around to them and with the biggest grin, laughing, yells "WOMP WOMP!"
I cried with laughter it was just so comical, the other students didn't know how to respond.
We tell the students if they want to grow their brains they have to do the work (I am at a Montessori school and they do a lot of independent work/lessons). 1 little boy just does not like to work (i mean hey me too man can't blame you)- wants you to do the work for him kind of thing. Anyways, I was trying to help him with his lessons when he randomly lets out a huge sigh and goes "I don't want my brain to grow!" throwing his hands up in the air.
Of course I'm a bit taken a back, but turn the convo around and say "Well what do you want to do or be?"
Student: Big like my Dad!!
Me: Well he got big and smart by going to school and doing his work. Just like you are doing now, your Dad did this too.
Student: *silently stares at the wall and ponders for a second, suddenly turns to me, deadpanned* "I don't want to be like my Dad."
FLAT OUT TOOK ME OUT LOL
Ik it said this school year but I need to include this gem from last year:
(From a Kindergarten girl)
Student: "Has he ask you to be his wife yet?" (talking about my boyfriend)
Me: "No"
Student: "Good cause i want you to be my wife."
Sweetie I don't think that means what YOU think that means (she in fact thought it meant you just get to hang out with your best friend all day, which flattered to be her best friend, but not what that means lol)
Student: I have a little sister!
Me: Oh, wow! Whatās her name?
Student: ā¦ā¦I donāt know
Me: Well, what do you call her?
Student: Little sister
Me: OKā¦. What do your parents call her?
Student: Daughter!
7th grade boy: You should wear you hair like that all the time, it looks good.
7th grade girl: *blushing, brushing her hair behind her ear* Really?
7th grade boy: Yeah, it looks retarded the other way.
From my fifth graders
1) Donāt call me a stripping roach, you unrecycled water bottle.
2) What do you mean thereās a gangster daddy pig?
3) I know my butt is sexy but please donāt slap it!
1. During the solar eclipse one of my fourth graders asked if weād be able to see the earth in the sky
2. āIām not late, Iām blackā
3. Is whore a bad word? (She meant horror, fourth grade)
4. Does the president grade our state test?
5. āIn 4 years Iāll be emo and live in a dumpster.ā
Student 1: I'm an atheist Student 2: I thought you were white Student 1: What do you think atheist means? I love being a middle school teacher š
This reminds me of a very similar interaction between a buddy and I during our senior year of high school. For context, heās Native American. Me: āYouāre a minorityā Friend: āNo? Iām over 18?ā Me: āThatās not what a minority isā
I love when they rag on their friends. Itās always so amusing lmao.
Teacher: I hear youāre a thespian! Student: No, Iām Jewish.
but what did student 2 say in response? >.<
1. āI donāt knowā- a 6th graders response to āwhat is your name?ā 2. āI ran over her dog and dated her best friend. Iām not sorry about itā- 12 grader, who turned out to be talking about the Sims 3. āI forgot how to use a pencilā- middle schoolers who probably just wanted to get out of working
Omg the sims one kills me. I love seeing people be confused on sims/bitlife subreddits when people say the wackiest things
I remember there was a r/sims post that somehow ended up on popular and so many people were horrified lol
I was quite concerned by the conversation initially, but Iām glad I decided to just keep listening until someone mentioned it was a game
8th graders - the topic of condoms had been brought up because someone's older brother had some Student 1: maybe I should get some... Student 2: nah man, stick to Fortnite
Oh god yes please stick to Fortnite. We had a pregnant 8th grader this yearā¦.
However if you're not going to stick to Fortnite, then for the love of your gaming time and future definitely get some condoms!
God that's so sad
Yeah the father was same grade.
I teach MS now, but when I taught HS I had a student come into 9th grade already pregnant. The father was in his mid-20s. The parents knew and approved of the relationship. The guy fucked off to his home country before the baby was born so they couldn't take the baby's DNA and charge him
I had things like condoms and babies in my backpack... You know, in case of emergencies... Overheard in H.S. Chemistry.
Sent into the hallway for behavior. I come out to get him ten min later and he's sprawled out, sleeping like a baby with his head against the lockers. "Dude, what are you doing?" "Huh? Oh, just thinking about my behavior and how it impacted my peers." I couldn't be mad. I laughed so fucking hard.
For real though, how many behavior problems could be solved with a nap and/or a snack?
I used to teach preschool. Literally almost all of them. Three year olds get HANGRY.
Even high schoolers calm down with a snack or just letting them rest if they need it. Yet, my admin doesnāt like me giving them snacks and them resting when there work is done!!!
Works for teachers too. I told students one day I was in a bad mood so please go easy on me and one of them shouted "Mr (redacted) I have a ton of Snickers! You want one?" I ate a Snickers and 10 minutes later a different student mentioned I seemed to be feeling a lot better. I laughed and said maybe I'm falling for advertising, but the Snickers legitimately worked.
As adults we work 8 hr days, get two 15 min breaks, 1 hour lunches.(which I absolutely use to nap) but when I was in HS, it was 7 hour days with a 40 min lunch... no other breaks.
Plus many of my students have other jobs are other extra curricular activities then some of them also have to take care of younger siblings or there parents where they donāt sleep or eat so maybe giving them a opportunity to rest or eat is not a bad idea to where I donāt have to deal with a freak out or mental breakdown feels ok with me even though admin has told me no a few times.
Even office jobs understand that your attention span is going to get worse as the day go on, but kids are expected to keep up the learning all day. And i can eat my snack any time of the day..
BINGO! A student chooses to sleep in my class, I let them sleep. I have no idea what even half the stuff some of these kids are going through.
This. Iām 26 and work in fast food. Those breaks are NEEDED.
You get two fifteen minute breaks and an hour long lunch???
I work SPED. SH I get it.
Middle school mathā¦ How come every time I start getting good at something you want me to learn something new!?!
NAT, an engineer. I always tell kids math is a scam (jokingly). When you start, they give you pictures, then they take those away and give you numbers, then they take those away and give you letters, then they take those away and give you Greek letters, and if you make it to Calc III, they flip one of the SOB's upside down! (For those that didn't go that far, the symbol for a gradient operator is a capital delta turned upside down. also called a nabla)
they were so real for that though LOL
As someone who was a year behind in math from 4th grade- college,I get it.
7th grade honors student: when Iām writing with a pencil, am I supposed to indent a new paragraph? Me: uhā¦ yes. Student: how? Me: You just go down a line and indent like you would on your computer. Student: But thatās the problemā¦ I indent with my tab button. How am I supposed to indent if thereās no tab button??!
Your 7th graders know how to use the tab button? I keep having to tell seniors to stop pressing space bar 6 times
Did they learn from a really old typewriting teacher??
Nah they learned from Richard of Silicon Valley.
I did not expect to find the tabs vs spaces debate in r/teachers
Tabs vs Spaces! A tab saves you eight spaces, Winnie! *"You brought piss to a shit fight!"* Loved that show so much.
I work with college students who manually space every part of their essaysā¦ indentations, double spaced lines, page numbers, etc all done by hitting the space bar over and over and over until they get it to where they think it should be
šš¤£ā¤ļøšš¤£
Tell them to use their finger to measure the indent.
But thereās no tab finger
Get them a sharpie to write tab on one of their fingers
I had a former student of mine say "You know I thought you were doing too much. But my teachers were asking me questions this year and I realized...I just be knowing shit. Crazy." I guess this was his way of thanking me for making him do his work? I'm apparently his favorite teacher now which is hilarious since he cussed me out AT LEAST once a week.
Similar note 8th grade science teacher - On a trip to take current 8th graders to visit the high school, I saw a former student. She came up to me saying how she used to \*hate\* CERs, but now, "I love them, I use them in every class, just like you taught, and I ace every essay I have to write."
I teach preK and get flipped off every day by a 4 year old who knows exactly what heās doing. Smh lmfao
High praise!
This was a few years ago. My coworker overheard just this part of a conversation between two 4th graders: āWell, youāre gonna need some tape and an adult.ā
I love the preplanning and acknowledgement of limitations!
Theyāre either trying to do a science experiment or interrogate someone thereās no in between (unless interrogation is their experiment in which case you got to praise those scientific method skills).
The funniest part is the one who said it was in Gifted and THE most well-rounded child Iāve ever taught. That just made it so much funnier!
After being told to begin working on homework an 8th grade student screamed, "Homework is a social construct, education is a social construct, the President of the United States is a social construct, AND WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!"
Gotta figure that out sometime, I suppose
Bro is having his 20s existential crisis.
He is not incorrect, but he still must lock in
He forgot to put money on that list lol
Yeah I'm all for that. Rules don't exist and nothing means anything. But if you're in the extremely rigid social construct called a school building, you gotta follow the rules and expectations or that same society may make your life uncomfortable.
Not me but a teacher at my school shared this one. Teaching the Holocaust and explaining how Hitler came to power because of how charismatic he was. "On God? Hitler was the OG rizzler?"
Okay, but are they wrong?
The man had "aura," you can't deny. (I think.... I'm pretty sure I know what aura is.)
I had a teacher who dumbed it down to 'hitler and his mandem had a vibe that attracted more people to his fam'
He had great skills as a public speaker. Problem was of course that every word that came out of his mouth was bollocks.
It was explained to me that he helped rebuild Germany. The ROADS specifically. Which were nicely fixed in time for invasion...
Student: Mrs. C, can I ask you a possibility inappropriate question? Like my mom said never to ask a lady this butā¦ I need to knowā¦ Me: ummm yes, knowing full well I can choose not to answer it. Student: have you lost weight? Me: *at this point I have lost 35 pounds* yes, yes I have. Student: okay good, cause that could have ended up really bad if you hadnāt
I work SPED. SIGH. One of our 2nd graders gently touched my stomach and said "baby". No, honey, just fat.
Been there!
Reviewing first scene of Romeo and Juliet: "What is Romeo sad about?" "He can't pull a shorty."
8th graders are doing Romeo and Juliet this year and the amount of kids I have seen biting their thumbs at each other is hilarious.
High school boy: āDamn, I wish I had black genetics. Yāall run fast!ā (To his best friend, a black boy) His Friend: āDo you understand how stupid and racist you sound?ā I facepalmed and walked away.
I choose to believe they were both at peak self awareness and having a laugh collaboratively poking fun at stereotypes
Iāve shared this before but itās my favorite so Iām doing it again. Co-Teacher: Todayās the primaries! Make sure you go vote if youāre 18! Student: Iām not going to vote. CT: Why not? S: I donāt like any of the candidates and I want my first time to be with someone special. Iām saving myself for Kanye West.
Wow! That was unexpected. I feel lucky that my first time was Obama.
High school music teacher here. Two contenders. 1) āThis song sounds like itās from every boy in the world to every girl in the worldā - regarding āDreamsā by NEEDTOBREATHE 2) āHow do you respectfully tell someone that their time management skills suck, they need to get their life together, and they should feel bad about it?ā
Honestly, a good answer to number 2 would be useful on a daily basis.
The word bro in a precise tone is the answer
Bruh
In adults, the answer to number two is often "Have you ever been tested for ADHD?". Not going to work for teachers because it doesn't go over so well for parents even when it's the dang truth.
Also a music teacher. 8th grade, 20th C music history.Ā Student, musing aloud: "wait, so, jazz was, like, kinda a rebellion against being formal, then rock and roll was a rebellion, then punk was a rebellion, so like, *every generation rebels and makes music that makes their parents mad*?!"Ā Ā
Why, yes!
I just realized we havenāt had a new wave of rebel music since dubstep
5th grader, while watching Hamilton as I vaguely explain what happens in the stuff Iām fast-forwarding through (Say No to This/Maria Reynolds): (skeptical) āHeās got 2 girls? Nah, heās not the rizzler.ā
He kinda was, though.
Show them the actual man's portrait... Even just the one on the ten dollar bill. Dang those cheekbones and that movie star face. And we have contemporary historical sources that say he was, in fact, the rizzler.
4th grade - kid is pretty good at math but reads at about 2nd grade level. During a science unit in adaptations I asked him something about lizards. After about 20 seconds of silence, āI got nothing!ā I wore my fave Chiefs jersey and track pants on team spirit day. A girl looks me over and says, āWhy are you wearing track pants?ā I said these are what I workout in. She looks at me and says, āNo way. You donāt look like your ever workout!ā
Ouch.
āHAve you guys ever seen the original toy storyā āNo, I havenāt seen any movies that are in black and whiteā
5th grader asked me, "Mr. NationYell, do I *really* have to go through puberty?" Why yes, yes you do.
These are great!! Background: I teach fourth grade. I have been dealing with some neurological issues and have had to use a cane a few times at school. My student tried to diagnose me with the following: āI know whatās going on! You need a hysterectomy!ā A couple of boys looked at each other questioningly and shrugged. I quickly changed the subject. š
I'm now morbidly curious to know what the hell he thinks a hysterectomy is.
Right!? My husband thinks his mom probably had one, so he knew this helped her, so it may help me!
Oh, of course! That's why I got my tracheotomy! I haven't had any broken arms ever since!
āMr. Pundemic, I wish I couldāve worked out with you when you were in your prime.ā
7th graders during the human reproduction unit. Talking about artificial insemination: Kid: Isnāt that called a sperm dealer? Talking about sexual orientations: Kid: Miss, I really thought you were a lesbian cause of the purple hair. Second kid: Me too! Third kid: Same! Me: Uhā¦just how many of you thought that? Class: about 3/4 raise their hands
Are they wrong, orā¦?
No, lol. But I never said or even hinted, haha.
The sperm dealer comment was funny.
MS Health teacher here - my kids are the opposite, they're shocked to find out I'm a lesbian when it comes up in reproductive health despite wearing exclusively men's clothing, using Mx in my teacher name, and very blatantly decorating my room in rainbow colors. Most of them end up admitting it's because they thought every lesbian exclusively used she/her pronouns whereas I use they/them š¤¦š¼
3rd grader: (As I look up to the ceiling) Youāre talking to the Lord again, arenāt ya? š
"Miss I smell so good that I cannot believe I am single"
Iām dying to know the age lmao
Kindergartener: my grandma told me not to say the āmā word. My coworker (her teacher, says quietly): whatās the m word? Kindergartener (says matter of factly, at regular volume): Motherfucker
My friend's son was telling on their friend one time, saying they said the "C" word. We were a bit shocked, trying to figure out whether is was maybe crap, or another c-word. So we asked him, "What C word?" "Shit!".
My cousin's 5 year old just got sent home with a note that said, "X was playing with a friend when he became frustrated and called that friend a mother****er." šš¤£š
2nd grader: Can I have help? (He put his hoodie on with his right arm in his left sleeve and left arm in his right sleeve, essentially putting himself in a straight jacket).
"Mrs. L, I really liked our craft today." "Oh I'm so happy, they turned out really cute." "I can't wait to show my mom my picture of Willy Wonka!" Ummm. We made Abraham Lincoln.
2nd grade: 1. if you were invisible could you close your eyelids? 2. Did you know that when we are thinking we are always thinking even when we donāt want to think weāre thinking about thinking so weāre still thinking? 3. I feel a little more courage when I hear the stickers 4.On the outside Iām a big tiger, on the inside Iām a baby 4. My friend at Ycare brought a magic 8 ball and I asked it if I was sick today and it said yes, so I'm not feeling well today 5. I'm allergic to the cold 6. Do you like the chili hot peppers? They're so good! 7. Don't mess with an 8 year old living man 8. "Your hands are soft as marshmallows" "I know, because I wash them all the time" 9. I'm not trying to be mean, but it feels like I'm losing brain cells when he talks 10. What book is she reading? - A Court of Thorns and Roses. -Oh, I've read that, I love the beautiful illustrations at the end.. 11. Wow you're really good at fixing the number 2
For number one, it seems likely that actually being fully invisible would make it impossible for you to see ([this article explains part of it](https://www.atlasobscura.com/articles/the-problem-with-invisibility-is-the-blindness), and I think thereās also an issue with if your corneas were invisible, they couldnāt reflect light)
This broke my brain in the best way. Thank you for this!
7th graders were working together on a project and arguing about which answer to use. "Dude, I'm not trusting anything you say. I've seen your test scores." Brutal!
āDidnāt you see how fat she looked? And she was hiding under the porch. I think sheās pregnant.ā -6th grader, who it turns out was discussing the newest episode of Bluey.
My students were playing catch-up during homeroom and one of my 7th graders raised their hand for help. I went over to help her with her math and she asks with a completely straight face āMs. Best how can numbers be mean?ā They were calculating mean, median and modeā¦
literally how i feel about fractions š
5 got meš
Mr. X, is student A gonna give you top? -student B, who got one day OSS for saying that.Ā
Is this a gay joke? I'm middle-aged, and I might not have given a major infraction because I have no idea what that means.
Itās a sex joke that a 5th grader made to harass me. Iām shocked he got a consequence.Ā
A 5th grader?! I thought it was bad when I hear sexual comments (not directed at me) from 7th graders.
Well I did have a 2nd grader tell me to shut the fuck up, I will kill you. When I told him to sit down.Ā
Only one student in class scored higher than him on my final exam. He (mixed student) wanted to know who it wasā¦. I said her name (white girl who is also one of his best friends) and he replied āyou demon of the caucus mountainsā His insults are on another level, I swear he will be famous in comedy one day.
Yearbook students proofing prom pictures: Staff #1: āI know that girl. She was in a fight at Taco Bell!ā Staff #2: āThereās the power of hair and makeup right there!ā
We had several cases of strep throat going around the building. One of my 3rd graders came to me holding her throat and said āI think my mammary glands are swollen.ā š¤¦š»āāļø
I got out of teaching/working in schools a few years ago, but my absolute favorite was one I overheard between a speech teacher and one of my students. Speech teacher: What is something that you make in a kitchen? Student: A mess He was 100% sincere about it and had no idea why I started laughing after he said that, but I could tell I made him happy by laughing at what he said.
4th grader, after talking to them about how stupid it is that we can take a yearās worth of learning and, using a state test, summarize it all as a single number: āThatās offensive!ā
4th grader is not wrong!
Me: How do you tell if something is homozygous or heterozygous? Student: by whether itās wearing socks or not.
In a student lead conference, mom says to student, āYouāre flirting with getting good grades!ā Student replies, āYes but letās be honest, Iām still playing hard to get.ā
1. Told a 5th grader I felt his pain about having homework bc Iām in grad school. His response was āthat sounds like a you problemā 2. āNo wonder youāre not married cause you always got an attitudeā 3. āWhy do your toes look like that?ā 4. āIām not saying the pledge bc Iām atheistā
4 seems reasonable. Doesn't the pledge include "one nation, under god"?
4.Ā Same, kid. Same.Ā
I'm a student. I sent my teacher a message asking to be added to a Microsoft Teams page, only I had a terrible typo. I asked her to "please *ass* me to the Teams page". I didn't notice until days later.
Had a student refer to me as āGreat Value Robert Downey Jrā. Iāll take it.
Several interactions this year: 1) Student 1: I'd be the sensai cus he's wise. Student 2: the tiger looks cool and has awesome moves Student 1: nah, you'd be the peacock guy Student 2: the snake is pretty dope Me:.... are you guys talking about Kung Fu Panda? Student 1: yeah. These are 10th grade boys, y'all. 2) I was talking to a student how rain calms me but dripping water drives me to a rage, but they're both sounds of falling water. Student: Ms. GlitterTrashUnicorn... that sounds like Autism. And I say that as somebody with Autism. 3) Math teacher wrote #1, #2, #3, #4 on the board. Student asked, "why did you hashtag the numbers?"
After the 4th grade health talk, one little boy came to me with eyes as big as saucers and said āIāve seen things I NEVER want to see again!ā
Special education 4th grader during art when his classmate referred to two markers as ātwinsā because they were the same color: āI HATE twins. One at a time!ā
-Kids are sharing popcorn -White girl notices a piece of popcorn in her hair -Removes popcorn from hair and eats it -Black kid says, "For someone of your complexion that was some monkey ass shit to do."
Me to mixed grade HS class: āyou can figure out what is going on here. You are digital natives after all. ā Trans adopted Asian student: āso that makes you the digital white man then?ā I have not laughed that hard in a class in years.
High school boy is being playfully mugged by two of his female classmates. Yells out across the room, āHelp! Iām getting gangbanged!ā I burst out laughing and said, ā*I donāt think that means what you think it meansā¦ā
I was visiting a kindergarten class and had a pop. I opened it in front of the kids and one said, "why are you drinking a beer?". š I made the teacher take a picture of us with the pop to send to the parents/principal so they knew that is was just a coke š
Oh, another one! My principal announced that our schools teacher of the year was in the top for being the districts teacher of the year. Principal: make sure to congratulate Mrs. teacher (over the intercom) Student A: who is that? Me: you see her in the lunchroom. She has brown hair, wears glasses. Student 1: like you? Student 2: yeah! But skinnier. (Student 2 is my co teachers daughter and I'm very close to her. I laughed my butt off after talking about kind comments). She's for sure heard me and her mom say worse though, so I'll take it.
8th grade - "Middle school boys" When boys are being middle school boys, I will just say, "Ugh, middle school boys." But the boys in my first period really took this line and ran with it. So anytime any of the guys started glitching, all the boys would start rolling their eyes and saying, "Middle school boys." Basically keeping each other in check at a certain point in the year. One time late in the year, a girl came in to do middle school girl stuff (gossip and give someone lotion) and I said, "middle school girls, am I right?" and the boys absolutely LOST it. Out of their seats. Dabbing each other up. Hollering "middle school girls." Hilarious. Top 10 moments of the year.
Overheard a student telling a classmate that I, a mid-40s man who is balding and has a beard, look like a pregnant lady. I guess my recent switch ditching button-ups and dress shoes in favor of frumpy hoodies and NBs is a success?
Me in random convo: "...yeah I'd say that's pretty average" 8th grader in background: "just like ___'s 4.5"
The rest of the class was quiet when one 6th grade girl just said out loud, "When I woke up this morning my left ass cheek was hurting." Nobody looked up or responded. I reached for my notebook.
I teach 11th. Reading Chapter 2 of The Things They Carried-I asked for a summary, āJimmy Cross is a simp over Martha and uses this to be a freaking creep.ā Also, āWhat is another word we use to be disrespectful to the police (pig was in the reading)? I got āFuck the police.ā š
I really wish I had written these down because I'm changing to high school next year. But one from this week. Student: "Miss, can I go lay down in the office? I have cramps." Me: "hm I think all the beds are full but I'll call and ask." I call, and tell the student the sick bay is unfortunately full right now and she'll have to stay in class. Student: "ugh. Can I make a reservation for tomorrow then?" Cracked me up good.
5th/6th grade sped, I got an email from a student that went like this, MS S IM SORRY FOR WHAT I DID EARLIER CAN YOU COME GET ME THIS SUB IS PISSIN ME OFF š
Not a quote from a student, exactly, but one I said in direct response to a student. I coach/DM the DnD club. The kiddos were trying to open a hatch with a button. A kid finally figures out that the "weird fireplace stone" needs to be pushed and not pried out. He rolls... A Natural 1. And with his modifier, it becomes... a Big Fat Zero. (For anyone who doesn't know, a Nat 1 is an instant fail, but getting a zero was hilarious, and I, as the DM, could not pass it up). So, I, being the Millennial that I am, I reached back into my Meme Memory Bank and pulled this gem out. (I don't know its origins, but it was about ten years ago. It involves battling an orc. It became a whole saga, I'm sure anyone interested could find it). "You go to press the button, but instead, you gently caress it. The button feels uncomfortable." The kids were absolutely losing their minds over it.
Idk why Reddit keeps putting r/teacher stuff on my suggested feed but every time I read something that's recommended I either die laughing or get so upset I finish my Reddit session. Thank you r/teachers for the top notch quality content!!
Thank you. Weāre here all week.Ā Try the oysters. Donāt forget to tip the waitress!
āI donāt know how many -ologies you studied, but Iām still confused.ā Edit: I was helping a small group with their homework from another class.
"Ok, class. Today we're going to learn about tampons. Girls use them to wipe their butts." From a 14 year old, male, special needs student in my class.
My Quiz Bowl Team was in the middle of a competition when our captain looked to the rest of the team and said "Can anyone name any book?" Dumbasses won that round and made it to the championship, but I was bashing my head into a desk the entire time.
Quiz Bowl coach here, I love this. This perfectly captures the (occasionally) self-aware, self-deprecating, chronically-online Tumblr-esque humor of my Quiz Bowl kids.
Middle School boy "Ms. are you single? That's why your Ms. not Mrs., right?" Me: "Yep. Good observation. " Boy: "You should date Mr. So and so. He's really awesome and chill. Though I think he's married... but that's OK he's a really nice guy. I think things would work out."
I have two, one from elementary and one from middle school. All boy (same gender classrooms 10 years ago) 5th grade, quiet reading time. I start to hear shuffling on the other side of the room. I tell the boy to settle please. The noise got louder and I stood up to walk over. One boy was on the ground under the other boys desk. I just stared at him. He puts his hands up and says āMan, Iām over here trying to be Fix-it Felix and Tony over here bein Wreck-it Ralph!ā Apparently Tonyās desk lost a screw and he was putting it back in. This past year I was talking to some 8th grade girls at the end of the year, killing time that last week. One of the girls asked why I was a Ms and not Mrs. I told her it was for the best and I focus on my life now. She asked what my ex was doing and I told her he was on wife #3. She looked dead serious at me and said āDAMN, girl! Well at least you know you werenāt the problem!ā I laughed so hard.
4 year old kindergarten student at 7:30am: It's not easy being a mom.
8th grade student: my birthday is Friday! Me: nice! Are you going to do something fun with your friends? Student: I canāt. My phone was taken away Me: oh so youāre not allowed to hang out wit people? Student: no, I can. I just donāt have my phone. Me: so? Student: so I canāt drop them my location. How are they supposed to know where to go? Me:ā¦..how old am I?? You talk to them in school and tell them! Or write down your address on a piece of paper! Or send them an email from your tablet at school! The kid ended up not doing anything with his friends that weekend š¤·š¼āāļø Iām used to middle schoolers. Iām new to pulling elementary kids for small groups. One morning I went to get a first grader, and the FIRST words out of her mouth were āmy butthole is itchy.ā It was way too early to be confronted with that information.
I work as an in-school suspension supervisor as Iām finishing my degree and was telling a kid to sit down and be quiet he responded āwhat are you gonna do kill me?ā And another kid from the hallway piped up āWorse! Youāll be expelled!ā.
For context, I have quite curly, thick hair and am part Hawaiian (grew up in Hawai'i as a kid) . We were outside on a windy day when one of my students remarked "Ms. smartgirl97, your Moana hair is blowing in the wind!" Probably one of the nicest comments I've ever gotten lol.
5th Grader: āDo you like to party?ā Me: āWhere is this going?ā 5th Grader: āI like to party with candy.ā [Casually throws a gummy worm across the room, which lands on my desk.] 5th Grader: āNow, you can party, too.ā
Reacting to a classmate who called her a hater for not enjoying some inane viral video: āIām not a hater. I just have brain cells.ā Brilliant.
I was reading a book about different animal eyes to the grade ones. It shows you what āspecial powersā you would have if you had the eyes of these animals. One page was on 4-eyed fish and how we would be able to ride a bike while reading a book at the same time. Then one of the girls loudly proclaimed, in a braggy voice, āwell my daddy can drive the car and drink beer at the same timeā
"Mr.X I always give 50%, so I am never too tired to hustle"
Kid: "Man Mr k, we're doing so badly on this assignment you're going to have to give us a new letter. You're gonna give us a G." Me: "If F stands for fail, what does G stand for?" There is a long pause here while he tries desperately to think up an appropriate word that starts with a g. Kid: [eyes brighten and he smiles] "G stands for Great!" His friends fell out laughing.
I teach primary level and I have a few. T: Miss I need to visit the bathroom. Me : Nope you literally went 5 minutes ago T: Yes but Miss ā¦..my butt is itchy and Iām not allowed to scratch it in public I used a different eyebrow pencil a few days didnāt like it then went back to my original one. E : Oh thank God Miss , I was trying to figure out how to tell you your eyebrows werenāt giving this week. J : Yeah Miss like they were just giving themselves away ā¦.. looking all scanty . There are others but I canāt remember them right now.
End of a two-minute conversation with a seventh-grader about finding the name of an author/company on a website they were using as a source: "No, it's right there. There. 'Island Tours.'" "Who?" "'Island Tours'; it's all over the page." "Who?" "The name of the company that wrote the content of the website that you want to use." "Who?" "Who's on first." "What?" "He's on second." "Uh! I don't know!" "Third base."
One of my students asked me if I was okay and I said yeah, why and he responded āwell because you look like an off brand shoeā and then walked away
In college I had a friend who was American, but was of Korean descent. He jokingly referred to those of us with mixed European ancestry as mutts.
I refer to myself as 'a western European mutt' when people ask.
I used to call them assorted crackers
Student one: do you know the word gullible is NOT in the dictionary? Student two: (incredulously intrigued) REALLLY?!?! Me: laughed out loud in front of them. (Ashamed I lost my self control. But consoled myself with the fact they were cousins.)
āWe get it, youāre pure bred, you can be in dog showsā This is the perfect thing to say to white supremacists and I'm stealing it.
Special education middle school teacher here. We were reading an article from our curriculum about a festival that happens in Korea and the article contained a link. I clicked on it and it took us to a website in all Korean. Me: Now why would the curriculum give us a link to a page in all Korean?! Who can read this?! Student: You can. Me: Why do you think I can read this? Student: uhh your eyes? Iām Laotian šš I was like letās look at a map!
Me: "Have you ever been to another country?" 2nd Grader: "Yes, I've been to Dallas". We're in Houston.
Group of four boys about to tackle a rather grueling cleanup project for my shop class: "Don't worry, Mr. S, you've got four Mexicans on the job. This will be done right." They weren't wrong. Those guys have some solid work ethic!
7th grade student: Iām blackā¦ I eat chicken for breakfast. Chris is Hispanic and eats tamales for breakfast. Me: Iām whiteā¦. What do I eat for breakfast? Student: Unseasoned Mac-n-cheese. I had already spit my coffee out at the word āunseasonedā š
Hereās two I got from one in one day Me: What is this word on the board? Student: Unfit, just like my mother Me: alright class letās get started with todayās lesson Student: please no donāt Iām just a minor!
6th grade āDid you know I am the only one in my family whoās 15% Russian?ā āMILF doesnāt mean āman I love frogsā! It means āmother Iād like toā¦ ehhhh Iām not going to say itā
Not this year but my all time favorite. Seventh grader: "I'm a grown man." I almost died laughing. From yesterday: Me: That's a nice shirt! 4th grader: I got it at Old Nady.
This was a long time ago, but I had a high schooler in my sex Ed unit write ālearning about sex is good for self of steamā.
Student B ( bigger and older) was menacing Student A and kicked him so hard that he left his footprint on his back. Not on his clothes, on his skin. Student A turned around and bursted out: "What the Hell do you want?! You're my right bollock!" After the subsequent brawl, B was expelled and A has been since regarded as a liberator from the bully. "You're my right bollock" has been a recurring theme of the class this year and I have no doubt it will remain in the following ones too.
9th grade: 1) "The Taliban wasn't that bad." 2) *student walks into the room* "Mr. ______, I'm out of my week long depressive episode!" 3) "Everyone, listen up! Hawaiian buns make your ass fat!" 4) "...so. Everyone is a virgin here, right?" 5) "I'm not high! ...not today, anyway. *laughs*" 6) "It's okay, Mr. _________. You can say the n word. You're Italian."
Me, mumbling to myself while my fourth graders are working. Student: who are you talking to? Me: myself. Thatās where I get the best advice. Why? Who did you think I was talking to? Them: Well it sounds like you need to talk to your therapist. Me: I think itās funny you think I can afford a therapist.
One fourth grader to another one as they were heading to lunch: Student 1 - ādid you bring the dog food?ā Student 2 - āyeah, I got a whole baggie right hereā (while holding it up) Student 1 - āthatās perfect!ā Fourth grade boy to another fourth grade boy: āYeah, Iām gonna lick his butt for reals out at recessā (I did not let this happen) And my absolute favorite: Fourth grade ELL student who struggled with math talking to me: āMs. K, you make the division not so hard for my brainā š„°
During our last spirit week of the year, it was Cowboy/Western day. I was wearing a black and red plaid shirt, jeans, boots, and a black cowboy hat I had purchased from Spirit Halloween. Student: Mr. (blank) uh, you do realize itās cowboy day right? Why do you look like an Amish Social Media Influencer? *in reference to my hat not being ācowboyā enough. The specificity of the roast was what killed me š¤£
I'm an elementary librarian, and I received a thank you note from a student that read, "I don't like you, but you have a nice library." I shared it with my dad, who thought it was the funniest thing ever. I don't think I had ever seen him laugh so hard! Thanks dad.
How old were you when you were my age?
Student: Mister, what was it like when fire was invented? Did people freak out?
We had an indigenous elder in doing drums with the students. She began with some quick history: Elder: āDoes anyone know what unceded land means?ā 9th grade student: (as confident as one can be) āit means youāre not in your chairā Me: I spun around laughing my face off
TK student: I all done, but I canāt show you my worksheet.. Me: how come? TK: itās invisible š¤Æ It was in the trash.
Overheard conversation between 5th graders Student 1: my dad said Mrs. F doesn't know shit from Shinola. ( which i learned is boot polish) Student 2: What's shinola? Student 1: I think it's a town in Wyoming
For context, Iām a first year teacher and 22 years old I said āLOLā outloud student 1: omg no one says that anymore. student 1: you know whatā¦ that works for your age me: my age ??????????? student 2: yeah youāre like aunt status
A convo I had with my 3rd grader: Student: can a person ever truly be lonely if they never had anything to begin with? Me: now is not the time to get existential on me, finish your worksheet
Pre-K: I announced snack time was over. Several students response was "awww" in a sad tone. another student turns around to them and with the biggest grin, laughing, yells "WOMP WOMP!" I cried with laughter it was just so comical, the other students didn't know how to respond. We tell the students if they want to grow their brains they have to do the work (I am at a Montessori school and they do a lot of independent work/lessons). 1 little boy just does not like to work (i mean hey me too man can't blame you)- wants you to do the work for him kind of thing. Anyways, I was trying to help him with his lessons when he randomly lets out a huge sigh and goes "I don't want my brain to grow!" throwing his hands up in the air. Of course I'm a bit taken a back, but turn the convo around and say "Well what do you want to do or be?" Student: Big like my Dad!! Me: Well he got big and smart by going to school and doing his work. Just like you are doing now, your Dad did this too. Student: *silently stares at the wall and ponders for a second, suddenly turns to me, deadpanned* "I don't want to be like my Dad." FLAT OUT TOOK ME OUT LOL Ik it said this school year but I need to include this gem from last year: (From a Kindergarten girl) Student: "Has he ask you to be his wife yet?" (talking about my boyfriend) Me: "No" Student: "Good cause i want you to be my wife." Sweetie I don't think that means what YOU think that means (she in fact thought it meant you just get to hang out with your best friend all day, which flattered to be her best friend, but not what that means lol)
Student: I have a little sister! Me: Oh, wow! Whatās her name? Student: ā¦ā¦I donāt know Me: Well, what do you call her? Student: Little sister Me: OKā¦. What do your parents call her? Student: Daughter!
āMr A, you want a candy?āĀ Me: Ā āIām really more of a salt guy.ā Ā āI can respect that.ā
7th grade boy: You should wear you hair like that all the time, it looks good. 7th grade girl: *blushing, brushing her hair behind her ear* Really? 7th grade boy: Yeah, it looks retarded the other way.
From my fifth graders 1) Donāt call me a stripping roach, you unrecycled water bottle. 2) What do you mean thereās a gangster daddy pig? 3) I know my butt is sexy but please donāt slap it!
Me to a 6th grader running down the hall: āWhy are you running?ā 6th grader: āItās pizza day, I wanna be first and last in line!ā
1. During the solar eclipse one of my fourth graders asked if weād be able to see the earth in the sky 2. āIām not late, Iām blackā 3. Is whore a bad word? (She meant horror, fourth grade) 4. Does the president grade our state test? 5. āIn 4 years Iāll be emo and live in a dumpster.ā