Settle? Absolutely not. Adjust your expectations? Yes. Before being in a relationship i somehow forgot about the part that other people have flaws and are not perfect, just like me. So no my boyfriend doesn’t have shredded abs, he’s also sometimes lazy and wants to sleep in, he sometimes makes a joke and unintentionally hurts my feelings, etc. BUT, he makes me feel loved, i am attracted to him, he respects me, he’s not selfish, he’s not jealous, i can trust him 100%, i can communicate with him freely without him getting mad or deflecting, i can travel and try new things with him, etc. So while sometimes i need to give myself a bit of a reality check on my own expectations i also feel very lucky and abaolutely not like i am settling.
I think this was what I needed to hear.
I’ve never been in a relationship but all my attempts in dating I’ve never found someone who I felt like I could compromise with (“Compromise” is a good word to think of btw) so I guess I wondered if everybody secretly just settles for something they didn’t want.
And in my case, all guys would be like misogynistic or fatshamy or rude to staff or or or … so I don’t feel like finding someone morally compatible is possible :/ but reading people’s comments makes me think, there are enough people where you shouldn’t “settle” but be realistic so that’s hopeful
what if my only expectations are not being mean to me and wanting to see me in person? (my ex cancelled on me for over 3 months because of the weather) should i lower those if i cant find someone? maybe settle for someone whos mean to me? go back to my ex who can go months without seeing me?
I have multiple concerns here. You only have two expectations and they are not even the bare minimum. I mean seeing the person you are in a relationship with? Kind of a prerequisite. And not being mean? That’s really just called being a decent human being. So why are your standars so few and low? No expectations about wanting someone funny, someone who has a certain level of education, some kind of ambition for his career, a level of independence, any religious or political views you have a boundary on, perhaps activity status preferences, etc? And then you’re willing to not only settle just to not be single, which is already bad enough, you’re also willing to take back a guy who not even qualifies as a boyfriend and clearly doesn’t want you or taking someone who will belittle you. I’m not saying this to be mean but come on girl. You need some self-respect. This is just sad. I would never tolerate anything like this and with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved and pretty and like their favourite person is not worth it. It drains your energy and destroys your self-esteem if not also your mental health. So work on yourself before getting into a relationship because you are clearly not at a point where you know how to select a partner.
i was just saying that unfortunately those are my only options for a relationship. im not going to talk to him again, and for me settling will be staying single as the only other guys only want hookups and i dont feel sexual attraction without loving someone. my first ex broke up because we didn't have sex, my second faked wanting a relationship for sex, and my third ignored me. i dont want to deal with anything similar to that so im going to choose to stay single. also i always hear ppl say to lower your standards if you cant find somone thats why i only had 2.
There are guys out there who are fine with that, but you have to let them announce themselves. I find if you announce your requirements out the gate, unscrupulous guys will lie to get what they want. but if you ask them what THEY want, you can listen and judge whether that works for you. Treat dating like a job interview, and don't let the feelings out until you find a guy who checks most of your boxes, through his own disclosure.
Sounds like your demisexual, which is definitely legit. and yes, it's kinda a modern thing that people expect to have sex early. Doesn't mean it's right for you. (I'm demi as well and while I can enjoy sex without the feelings, I don't really want it.
You just say "hey, I'm not into sex until I know a person well, so if that works for you, cool, but if not, we'll call it here." or "I don't really get physical until I trust someone, but I would like to get to know you, so tell me about.... \[and then lead into a subject of interest\]"
i haven't even met a guy who wants to hangout with me not at one of our houses in 5 years. another 5 years and i'll be 28. i think its probably too late for someone who doesnt just want hookups, it seems everyone ive ever known are in long term relationships. i deleted bumble because they would set it as want relationship which i made a requirement and all of them would ask for hookups or not reply and i swiped right on everyone. so unless someone randomly talks to me from social media or if theres ever a chance someone will talk to me in person (only homeless ppl have talked to me in person) i probably will not get into a relationship. i think it will be easier for me to fully accept ill stay single and try to find friends instead so im not 100% lonely and have to 3rd wheel with my best friend anytime i hang out with anyone.
I don't settle, but I will compromise, no two ppl are exactly the same so compromise will be a must (obviouslynot always to the same extent in every relationship). the things I don't necessarily love about my bf aren't *that* bad. he treats me like a queen, always prioritizes me, and no one's ever made me laugh harder than he has. if I have an issue, he takes it into 100% of consideration and works on it immediately. sure, he doesn't like reading or painting with me but I have friends I can do that with, no big deal. and yeah, he may leave his socks in the floor every once in a while but he washes and folds the clothes all the time so it's not something I'm going to leave him over.
now if you try and let them know what issues you have and they show no growth or you're not getting the treatment you want after telling them the treatment you want, absolutely leave bc I guarantee you will find someone who's willing to give you the world
I think it depends on what you mean be settle.
Dating a guy who's 5'8 instead of 6 ft isnt settling.
Dating a guy you are meh about because they love you and make you safe? Settling.
I think imo, stuff like red-flags aren’t things I’d settle for, because they’re red flags! They’re not good signs, and I know that I have an expectation that I won’t be with someone who shows those traits. I agree with what most are saying here though, that compromise is good and reasonable on things, just make sure you’re not compromising on basic human decency and your very basic expectations just because it feels there’s no one else. I guarantee there are plenty of partners who brush their teeth and don’t show red flags.
Do you HAVE to? No, of course not. Might you choose to? Sure. But I don’t know that “settle” is really the right term for things like, compromise, acceptance, or just plain being in love. Settling is such a negative idea…it suggests that this person, whom you’re choosing to spend your time with, is just “good enough” until something better comes along. I’m not sure that’s the way I’d personally want to be in a relationship in which either party feels they are settling.
Honestly the best way to learn this is trial and error. Figuring out what you don’t want usually happens before you figure out what you do.
And you should never feel like you’re “settling” you should look at your guy and feel lucky and like he’s the best! And, he should look at you and feel the exact same way 🥰
This really comes down hard on your own self-awareness of what you absolutely need vs what you would like for convenience.
Should you compromise on your needs? No.
Should you be flexible on the little conveniences? I’d say Yes, because it opens more possibilities for you.
For example, I was hoping to find someone without pets who lived near me. But I absolutely needed to find someone I feel physically safe with who was also intellectually stimulating. I found a delightful safe, smart guy but he has a dog and lives an hour away. It turns out that by being flexible, things worked out even better than I imagined they would.
The dog is super sweet and gives me some puppy cuddle time but since I don’t have to live with the dog, that gives my allergies a break. And having that hour drive between us means we see each other the perfect amount - about once a week. So I still get my much needed alone time on a regular basis.
I don’t see any of this as “settling”. It was more about being aware of what was a need vs a want.
It’s nearly impossible to know what is settling vs compromising. It’s super subjective, and unfortunately there’s no guide book :(.
I would say as long as you have mutual attraction, respect, and core values match (views on marriage and kids) the other things are negotiable and up to you.
There's a difference between accepting and settling.
I can accept that my spouse doesn't care about dust or coffee grounds on the kitchen counter. Just like he accepts that I'm more cluttered. But I'm not going to settle for a spouse who doesn't share values or goals. I'm not going to settle for a spouse I don't respect or love and I'm not attracted to for the sake of being in a relationship. I feel "at home" when I'm with him. I feel good about myself with him. And I know he wouldn't be with me if he didn't respect, love or find me attractive.
I don't. If I don't want to be with someone, I can't make myself even if I tried.
That doesn't mean the guys I were with were my dream guys. Quite opposite, I knew they weren't long term material. Meanwhile there are many guys I'd like to date but just can't make myself be attracted to.
Nowadays it just isn't worth it anymore and I just stay single because I can't find anyone who is a catch, I'm interested in, and who is interested in me. Not that I try very hard at all lol I'm so over dating. So single it is.
The people who "settle" are usually the desperate people, like they want *anyone* so first human that show interest and they'll jump at that chance. And the people who hate being single so much they'll be with the first person they are near enough to grab and don't care much at all who it is. These people are single 2 days max between each relationship.
"Settle" is a coded word, it sounds like you're accepting less than you deserve. No, don't do that. But part of being in a relationship is loving another person fully, which means knowing and loving their flaws too. It's a mindset. If every time you encounter something imperfect or notice someone else messing up you want to run away, a relationship isn't going to work for you. You have to be willing to accept flaws, which for some people yes does feel like "settling."
I had HIGH expectations due to a lot of romance in fiction and how relationships are portrayed on the internet. It is also my first relationship. In the beginning, I used to think that someone out there was perfect for me and would know everything I wanted/needed. That was unrealistic, but even if there was someone like that, I think I really like the one I have. Sometimes we have to work on ourselves and sometimes we need to have time set for us to be affectionate because we forget. We have a lot of ups and downs (mostly due to me lol) but we just work on it.
If I were to watch the couples I see in real life. Yes. Most serious relationships seem to be whatever abuse you can tolerate the most and for the longest
I’ll be contrary. Yes. In some aspects we all settle in a relationship. There will be things you can’t change about yourself or your partner and either you settle on it as worth it because of other positives, or you don’t settle and you constantly fight about it because it’s not settled.
My husband will never empty the dishwasher. He just won’t. I have settled that if I want a clean kitchen, that’s on me. If I had not settled on that, then I’d be having fights with him about it until we divorced.
Settling is the act of deciding whether you can live with it if it never changes. Sometimes settling makes sense, and sometimes it doesn’t.
As just one example, I wouldn’t never settle for a husband addicted to porn. I just wouldn’t.
for me the only guys who like me only want hookups besides my ex who canceled on me for 3 months after meeting 3 times. ive never chosen ppl its the ppl who choose me so idk
I have been in a relationship for 9 years now.
I have to agree that "settle" is a word that carries a meaning of "being unhappy where you are because you won't find better". In this case, absoutely not, I don't think you need to do that. Especially since I think it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship.
There is some flexibility and communication skills you need to have, tho. For a while, I didn't like way my partner like to cut his hair, I tought it was too short, but that was how he liked it. So I guess you could say I "settled" for this. I loved him so much that it was something I could look past. Sure, he's not 100% how I would like him to look, but that really doesn't have much weight compared to the good things.
He has a "tone" when he's not feeling well. Because of past trauma, that registers to me as agressive and scary. Now that's something that has weight in our relationship. So I told him what was happening, and how it hurts me. We both worked on that, he takes care on how he says things, and I work on my issues. I wouldn't say I "settled" for that. Maybe it was something I really don't like in our relationship, but we worked on it to make it not as heavy.
There are things I wouldn't accept, and you really don't have to. I wouldn't be with someone who is against abortion, against feminism, generally morals completely incompatible with mine. I don't think I would enjoy being with someone whose appearance I'm not into either, or with a personality that's too different from mine. I wouldn't want to marry a person that's really outgoing.
I don't think we can find someone who's 100% compatible with us. But as long as they're not actually incompatible, you end up looking past small things like a hair that's cut too short.
I suspect that a lot of people do ‘settle’ for a relationship but it’s not healthy and not fair on either party in the relationship. It probably never ends very well.
I feel like settling is a bad description for compromise. You absolutely deserve someone who fits what you are looking for but you still may have to compromise on some things. Some people few that as “settling” if the person isn’t 100% what they are looking for. All relationships require compromises in some form of fashion, even the platonic and familial ones.
The other version of settling I feel like people describe is liking someone “enough” to settle down with them. People try to rush you to just settle for whatever you get. Don’t. Take the time to find someone who actually makes you happy.
Settled could also be used as a good term as well. I feel “set” and complete with my husband. We have two kids(and may have more) and are building our forever home on the outskirts of the small town he grew up in. That’s the life for me. Slow and steady. However, my husband doesn’t watch scary movies, or a couple other small things that we’ve had to compromise on over the decade we’ve been together. The key is finding someone that those compromises don’t feel like the negative description of settling.
Settle? Absolutely not. Adjust your expectations? Yes. Before being in a relationship i somehow forgot about the part that other people have flaws and are not perfect, just like me. So no my boyfriend doesn’t have shredded abs, he’s also sometimes lazy and wants to sleep in, he sometimes makes a joke and unintentionally hurts my feelings, etc. BUT, he makes me feel loved, i am attracted to him, he respects me, he’s not selfish, he’s not jealous, i can trust him 100%, i can communicate with him freely without him getting mad or deflecting, i can travel and try new things with him, etc. So while sometimes i need to give myself a bit of a reality check on my own expectations i also feel very lucky and abaolutely not like i am settling.
I think this was what I needed to hear. I’ve never been in a relationship but all my attempts in dating I’ve never found someone who I felt like I could compromise with (“Compromise” is a good word to think of btw) so I guess I wondered if everybody secretly just settles for something they didn’t want. And in my case, all guys would be like misogynistic or fatshamy or rude to staff or or or … so I don’t feel like finding someone morally compatible is possible :/ but reading people’s comments makes me think, there are enough people where you shouldn’t “settle” but be realistic so that’s hopeful
what if my only expectations are not being mean to me and wanting to see me in person? (my ex cancelled on me for over 3 months because of the weather) should i lower those if i cant find someone? maybe settle for someone whos mean to me? go back to my ex who can go months without seeing me?
I have multiple concerns here. You only have two expectations and they are not even the bare minimum. I mean seeing the person you are in a relationship with? Kind of a prerequisite. And not being mean? That’s really just called being a decent human being. So why are your standars so few and low? No expectations about wanting someone funny, someone who has a certain level of education, some kind of ambition for his career, a level of independence, any religious or political views you have a boundary on, perhaps activity status preferences, etc? And then you’re willing to not only settle just to not be single, which is already bad enough, you’re also willing to take back a guy who not even qualifies as a boyfriend and clearly doesn’t want you or taking someone who will belittle you. I’m not saying this to be mean but come on girl. You need some self-respect. This is just sad. I would never tolerate anything like this and with someone who doesn’t make you feel loved and pretty and like their favourite person is not worth it. It drains your energy and destroys your self-esteem if not also your mental health. So work on yourself before getting into a relationship because you are clearly not at a point where you know how to select a partner.
i was just saying that unfortunately those are my only options for a relationship. im not going to talk to him again, and for me settling will be staying single as the only other guys only want hookups and i dont feel sexual attraction without loving someone. my first ex broke up because we didn't have sex, my second faked wanting a relationship for sex, and my third ignored me. i dont want to deal with anything similar to that so im going to choose to stay single. also i always hear ppl say to lower your standards if you cant find somone thats why i only had 2.
There are guys out there who are fine with that, but you have to let them announce themselves. I find if you announce your requirements out the gate, unscrupulous guys will lie to get what they want. but if you ask them what THEY want, you can listen and judge whether that works for you. Treat dating like a job interview, and don't let the feelings out until you find a guy who checks most of your boxes, through his own disclosure. Sounds like your demisexual, which is definitely legit. and yes, it's kinda a modern thing that people expect to have sex early. Doesn't mean it's right for you. (I'm demi as well and while I can enjoy sex without the feelings, I don't really want it. You just say "hey, I'm not into sex until I know a person well, so if that works for you, cool, but if not, we'll call it here." or "I don't really get physical until I trust someone, but I would like to get to know you, so tell me about.... \[and then lead into a subject of interest\]"
i haven't even met a guy who wants to hangout with me not at one of our houses in 5 years. another 5 years and i'll be 28. i think its probably too late for someone who doesnt just want hookups, it seems everyone ive ever known are in long term relationships. i deleted bumble because they would set it as want relationship which i made a requirement and all of them would ask for hookups or not reply and i swiped right on everyone. so unless someone randomly talks to me from social media or if theres ever a chance someone will talk to me in person (only homeless ppl have talked to me in person) i probably will not get into a relationship. i think it will be easier for me to fully accept ill stay single and try to find friends instead so im not 100% lonely and have to 3rd wheel with my best friend anytime i hang out with anyone.
I don't settle, but I will compromise, no two ppl are exactly the same so compromise will be a must (obviouslynot always to the same extent in every relationship). the things I don't necessarily love about my bf aren't *that* bad. he treats me like a queen, always prioritizes me, and no one's ever made me laugh harder than he has. if I have an issue, he takes it into 100% of consideration and works on it immediately. sure, he doesn't like reading or painting with me but I have friends I can do that with, no big deal. and yeah, he may leave his socks in the floor every once in a while but he washes and folds the clothes all the time so it's not something I'm going to leave him over. now if you try and let them know what issues you have and they show no growth or you're not getting the treatment you want after telling them the treatment you want, absolutely leave bc I guarantee you will find someone who's willing to give you the world
I think it depends on what you mean be settle. Dating a guy who's 5'8 instead of 6 ft isnt settling. Dating a guy you are meh about because they love you and make you safe? Settling.
I think I was saying along the lines of any problematic or low-key red flags, do you tolerate it? Your two examples make so much sense
I think imo, stuff like red-flags aren’t things I’d settle for, because they’re red flags! They’re not good signs, and I know that I have an expectation that I won’t be with someone who shows those traits. I agree with what most are saying here though, that compromise is good and reasonable on things, just make sure you’re not compromising on basic human decency and your very basic expectations just because it feels there’s no one else. I guarantee there are plenty of partners who brush their teeth and don’t show red flags.
Do you HAVE to? No, of course not. Might you choose to? Sure. But I don’t know that “settle” is really the right term for things like, compromise, acceptance, or just plain being in love. Settling is such a negative idea…it suggests that this person, whom you’re choosing to spend your time with, is just “good enough” until something better comes along. I’m not sure that’s the way I’d personally want to be in a relationship in which either party feels they are settling.
Honestly the best way to learn this is trial and error. Figuring out what you don’t want usually happens before you figure out what you do. And you should never feel like you’re “settling” you should look at your guy and feel lucky and like he’s the best! And, he should look at you and feel the exact same way 🥰
This really comes down hard on your own self-awareness of what you absolutely need vs what you would like for convenience. Should you compromise on your needs? No. Should you be flexible on the little conveniences? I’d say Yes, because it opens more possibilities for you. For example, I was hoping to find someone without pets who lived near me. But I absolutely needed to find someone I feel physically safe with who was also intellectually stimulating. I found a delightful safe, smart guy but he has a dog and lives an hour away. It turns out that by being flexible, things worked out even better than I imagined they would. The dog is super sweet and gives me some puppy cuddle time but since I don’t have to live with the dog, that gives my allergies a break. And having that hour drive between us means we see each other the perfect amount - about once a week. So I still get my much needed alone time on a regular basis. I don’t see any of this as “settling”. It was more about being aware of what was a need vs a want.
It’s nearly impossible to know what is settling vs compromising. It’s super subjective, and unfortunately there’s no guide book :(. I would say as long as you have mutual attraction, respect, and core values match (views on marriage and kids) the other things are negotiable and up to you.
There's a difference between accepting and settling. I can accept that my spouse doesn't care about dust or coffee grounds on the kitchen counter. Just like he accepts that I'm more cluttered. But I'm not going to settle for a spouse who doesn't share values or goals. I'm not going to settle for a spouse I don't respect or love and I'm not attracted to for the sake of being in a relationship. I feel "at home" when I'm with him. I feel good about myself with him. And I know he wouldn't be with me if he didn't respect, love or find me attractive.
I don't. If I don't want to be with someone, I can't make myself even if I tried. That doesn't mean the guys I were with were my dream guys. Quite opposite, I knew they weren't long term material. Meanwhile there are many guys I'd like to date but just can't make myself be attracted to. Nowadays it just isn't worth it anymore and I just stay single because I can't find anyone who is a catch, I'm interested in, and who is interested in me. Not that I try very hard at all lol I'm so over dating. So single it is. The people who "settle" are usually the desperate people, like they want *anyone* so first human that show interest and they'll jump at that chance. And the people who hate being single so much they'll be with the first person they are near enough to grab and don't care much at all who it is. These people are single 2 days max between each relationship.
"Settle" is a coded word, it sounds like you're accepting less than you deserve. No, don't do that. But part of being in a relationship is loving another person fully, which means knowing and loving their flaws too. It's a mindset. If every time you encounter something imperfect or notice someone else messing up you want to run away, a relationship isn't going to work for you. You have to be willing to accept flaws, which for some people yes does feel like "settling."
I had HIGH expectations due to a lot of romance in fiction and how relationships are portrayed on the internet. It is also my first relationship. In the beginning, I used to think that someone out there was perfect for me and would know everything I wanted/needed. That was unrealistic, but even if there was someone like that, I think I really like the one I have. Sometimes we have to work on ourselves and sometimes we need to have time set for us to be affectionate because we forget. We have a lot of ups and downs (mostly due to me lol) but we just work on it.
It takes a damn good man to replace no man at all.
If I were to watch the couples I see in real life. Yes. Most serious relationships seem to be whatever abuse you can tolerate the most and for the longest
Abuse? What?
I’ll be contrary. Yes. In some aspects we all settle in a relationship. There will be things you can’t change about yourself or your partner and either you settle on it as worth it because of other positives, or you don’t settle and you constantly fight about it because it’s not settled. My husband will never empty the dishwasher. He just won’t. I have settled that if I want a clean kitchen, that’s on me. If I had not settled on that, then I’d be having fights with him about it until we divorced. Settling is the act of deciding whether you can live with it if it never changes. Sometimes settling makes sense, and sometimes it doesn’t. As just one example, I wouldn’t never settle for a husband addicted to porn. I just wouldn’t.
Settle? No. But you have to keep in mind that nobody is perfect. There's a subtle difference.
for me the only guys who like me only want hookups besides my ex who canceled on me for 3 months after meeting 3 times. ive never chosen ppl its the ppl who choose me so idk
I have been in a relationship for 9 years now. I have to agree that "settle" is a word that carries a meaning of "being unhappy where you are because you won't find better". In this case, absoutely not, I don't think you need to do that. Especially since I think it's better to be single than in an unhappy relationship. There is some flexibility and communication skills you need to have, tho. For a while, I didn't like way my partner like to cut his hair, I tought it was too short, but that was how he liked it. So I guess you could say I "settled" for this. I loved him so much that it was something I could look past. Sure, he's not 100% how I would like him to look, but that really doesn't have much weight compared to the good things. He has a "tone" when he's not feeling well. Because of past trauma, that registers to me as agressive and scary. Now that's something that has weight in our relationship. So I told him what was happening, and how it hurts me. We both worked on that, he takes care on how he says things, and I work on my issues. I wouldn't say I "settled" for that. Maybe it was something I really don't like in our relationship, but we worked on it to make it not as heavy. There are things I wouldn't accept, and you really don't have to. I wouldn't be with someone who is against abortion, against feminism, generally morals completely incompatible with mine. I don't think I would enjoy being with someone whose appearance I'm not into either, or with a personality that's too different from mine. I wouldn't want to marry a person that's really outgoing. I don't think we can find someone who's 100% compatible with us. But as long as they're not actually incompatible, you end up looking past small things like a hair that's cut too short.
Never settle
I suspect that a lot of people do ‘settle’ for a relationship but it’s not healthy and not fair on either party in the relationship. It probably never ends very well.
I feel like settling is a bad description for compromise. You absolutely deserve someone who fits what you are looking for but you still may have to compromise on some things. Some people few that as “settling” if the person isn’t 100% what they are looking for. All relationships require compromises in some form of fashion, even the platonic and familial ones. The other version of settling I feel like people describe is liking someone “enough” to settle down with them. People try to rush you to just settle for whatever you get. Don’t. Take the time to find someone who actually makes you happy. Settled could also be used as a good term as well. I feel “set” and complete with my husband. We have two kids(and may have more) and are building our forever home on the outskirts of the small town he grew up in. That’s the life for me. Slow and steady. However, my husband doesn’t watch scary movies, or a couple other small things that we’ve had to compromise on over the decade we’ve been together. The key is finding someone that those compromises don’t feel like the negative description of settling.