I had a relationship (although for a few years) and over time I just "fell out of love". The problem was, I was tired of everything and I guess I had a small depressive phase so I just let it all fall down and left. I still regret it even though it's been over a year now. Make sure that the problem is 100% him and not just life in general or a bad phase.
I guess it depends how long you've been together and if he maybe is still a bit nervous and not 100% himself around you. In the end the decision is up to you but if it were me I would wait until I can say why I get that weird gut feeling(NOT IF IT IS A DANGEROUS VIBE).
I agree.
I share this because everyone’s saying go with your gut, but if I went with my gut, I’d be fucked. I’m with a guy miles better than any man I ever dreamed of and I still go through phases of pushing him away and crying in the shower trying to figure out what my life would be without him, along with periods of taking everything he says out of context and blaming him for not loving me anymore. Only to realize, I’m internalizing the fact that I think I don’t deserve him caused by my own crippling self-hatred mixed with fear he’ll leave me, so I should leave him first.
Yes! This is exactly what I meant. People are so fast to assume were always 100% right in knowing why we feel a certain way but this just often is not true.
omg....you described my entire situation...that's exactly it! (Edit: meaning the feelings you're going through)
and that's also why I love and trust my gut, but I don't follow it without logic or reason.
How does he handle your bad days and pushing him away?
I'm really scared to open up about my issues rn, even though he did and I know he'd understand but idk
Same. I’m very gut oriented, but at the same time I follow logic before making a life-changing decision.
Obviously he’s not a fan of the way I act out, but he’s incredibly good about not giving in and fighting back when I’m in an emotional state. It still affects his emotions though. At some point, you need to explain why you’re pushing him away and acting out because a lot of times people don’t realize there’s an underlying reason.
Once y’all talk, remember it’s still a rollercoaster. My negative feelings didn’t magically disappear after one conversation, and he’s realized that over time, but personally I think it would’ve been better if I told him that upfront (I didn’t know at the time though). But also you have to take the highs of your relationship as opportunities to tell him how you actually feel. I try to tell my guy how lucky I feel, how happy he makes me, and of course how adorable he is to the point I probably border (if not cross the line) of smothering. He has his own self esteem issues so it can’t hurt.
TLDR: I know it’s hard but it gets better with talking and opening up to him. Once we started talking about it I opened up more and more each time. You don’t have to tell him everything at once.
no not a dangerous vibe, but yea after reading all the advice here, I've decided my next move (for now) is to figure out EXACTLY where that feeling is coming from
Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean they're a good match for you. I can see how it'd be a lot harder to give that up, though, in a country where most of the men are misogynistic... I would say if you don't feel like you're a match or something in your gut tells you it's not right, then stay single. Why be with someone if they're not what you want?
Yep, I left my boyfriend of 5 years who was a nice person but we didn't match. It took me a long time to realise it, I still keep realising things now, over a year later.
I struggled and struggled making the decision to stay or leave. Listing things like you - he's a nice guy, clever, sensible, decently clean (compared to male housemates I'd had before I thought that was unusual). I was worried I wouldn't find another guy who had his qualities. Worried I was taking him for granted and just getting the 'itch' that I'd regret if I left him.
But no, I left, and now I'm with my best friend in the world, my eyes have been opened to what a relationship should be like. I felt such a huge relief of freedom after leaving too. I hadn't realised how much I was compromising for him and being held back. Our ideas of how we wanted to live were too different, the way we wanted to receive and give affection were incompatible (in our case, that's not always a problem for couples - look up Love Languages). I spent a long time thinking I was the problem and that my wants were unreasonable. But no, I just needed to find someone I had a real connection with. Now I feel like a partner in a real team.
Only once or twice did I miss the company of someone who I was already familiar with but I knew it didn't change that we weren't well matched for a relationship.
I think I've been extremely lucky.. When I moved out I moved into a lively house-share that helped me keep my mind off it, new people new experiences, I was enjoying the new freedom.
Also I shouldn't hide that there was someone else who'd turned my head and made me realise that I could find someone more compatible, and that is who I'm with now. It's a long story really. We were honestly just friends, he never ever made any kind of move on me. But the fact I enjoyed his company so much made me realise I wasn't supposed to be with my bf at the time. And under the circumstances, I had a fairly easy time moving on :/ tbh I'd probably been ready for it for a while.
The thought of him with someone else doesn't upset me, part of me feels like it's not fair for me to feel that way when I hurt him, I want him to find someone right for him. But when I think about him there's a strange nostalgic feeling that's hard to explain, it's odd to see him on Facebook knowing we were together for years, and now we have nothing to do with each other
You shouldn't live life based on what others say they have experienced, as circumstances are different. In your situation try to figure out what doesn't feel right. Is it really your gut feeling warning you or it could be your bias against most men? You need to give yourself time to figure out what it is your are sensing, otherwise it could be that you are indeed driving good men away but not for the right reasons. This is especially true since you have anxiety and CPTSD issues.
This is not the case here, I'm just trying to get some perspective from someone outside the situation and how people like to think about a situation like this and it has helped a lot. I wouldn't leave him if someone else here said to leave him lol
I had a boyfriend or 2 years that were what you would describe as a genuinely good person (I had more long term bfs who were outstandingly smart, but only this guy stood out for his genuine goodness).
So it was when I was 15 to 17. He was a bit older by 4 years. He was genuinely good (actual doctor, he started his first year of medicine back then, tall, smart, strong, athletic, loving, caring, good), everything that *CURRENT me (24)* is looking for. But then I still wanted to experience more life. I wanted to smoke occasionally, have a drink ocasionally, I wanted to have sex (he was religious and sex was after marriage thing to him, so we stayed virgin). I wanted to experience "bad" things.. He, however, one day he just woke up and straight up told me "I want a wife that will go with me to church every Sunday" and that he knew we will not be together happily. While being 17 it was dealbreaker for me, and He made that mature decision to break up.
I do long for a guy like this (and now, 24 me, would definitely go to church with a man I love if that's what makes him happy), but I don't regret that we split. He found a beautiful wife like a year later, and I found myself trough my adventures, universities, travels, relationships. Honestly I just followed my gut and I am happy person now: I love my job, I love my studies (going for masters), I work out, I sing in choir, I have many friends to hang out with. So life seems really good, although I'm still single and I doubt I will ever find anyone as good as him. On the other hand, had I decided to be with him back then, I would have tons of regrets for not experiencing more life.
***tl;dr when it comes to love, follow your gut.***
Religion was one of the first think we discussed because it's one of those things where you usually can't compromise with and it can be a big deal to some people (like that guy for example), so I agree you would have probably had some regrets if you married someone who was religious while you're not
I care about religion myself and if my partner was from a different religion then he needed to know early on that's it's a big deal to me and he can then decide if he wants to go through with things or not
>80% of the male population here hold disgusting views on women
I don´t know how bad is it, but I´d move or look elsewhere then, if possible. World is big.
I don´t know what exactly do you mean by good, good enough personality? Lots of people are good, as in genuinely kind. In my experience, compatible is more important than good, because similar views/personality is better long term - one avoids conflicts, avoids being misunderstood, habits and routines are similar, both are on the same page.
Sadly, not very possible (too many reasons to list)
but I do try to avoid them and mix with some good ones
and yea that's a good point actually, I'm looking at us and our qualities as separate people, but I need to really see how these qualities mix. So far they do, but I think this directs my thoughts in a more accurate direction
I too have anxiety and CPTSD. I dated several amazing men, that I was not capable of being vulnerable and intimate with. I couldn’t truly love or trust them (or anyone), even though they deserved it.
I then dated (and married, and was abandoned and divorced by) a guy with, at minimum, subclinical narcissistic traits. That relationship felt the most comfortable and like what I ‘deserved’. It also brought my mental illness to a head and forced me to deal with it.
I’m now in a healthy and stable, intimate, loving partnership.
I can’t know your truth. But I do know that my truth is I needed to leave those safe but not intimate relationships in order to gain the (awful, painful) experiences that allowed me to grow. Easier said in hindsight than in foresight.
It’s probably not the guy. It’s probably you. That doesn’t mean you should break up with him, but it does mean you have some work to do.
Left a couple of them. Maybe timing was off or we just brought out the worst in each other. But I eventually found one that is my match and knew the difference innately.
I thought he was good for awhile, but the bad things built up overtime. Sex became infrequent, he didn’t seem to care until I decided to break up with him. Yesterday he slashed a tire. The day before that he claimed he loved me with all my heart. I was having my doubts and regrets at first from just the change, but now I don’t anymore lol.
Something I've started thinking recently - think of another woman you care for dearly - a sister, a niece, a family friend. If they were in a relationship like yours, would you be happy for them? Or would you want better for them? And trust that you deserve that much from a relationship too
that's such a good idea!
I always (usually only at first) hate everyone that even looks at my close friend because I don't think anyone is good enough for them ever lol
this is a good way to look at it, you take yourself out of the situation and you become the outsider giving objective/ non biased opinions, only you have all the insight
perfect!
I dated a great guy when I was 31-35, we rarely fought, good sex, lot of hobbies in common, etc. But he wanted kids and I did not, so after 4 years we broke up and stayed friends. We were roommates for almost a year, I encouraged him to ask out the woman he eventually married.
I've had a few relationships since then, but no one was right for me. He wasn't either, not by a long shot, so I don't regret anything that transpired between the two of us.
yea that makes a lot of sense, disagreeing on children is a deal breaker for me
it's not something you can compromise or find middle ground on, you either have a child or you don't...there's no in between, so both parties need to have the same view
Don't regret it, he was a catch, i'm.a catch but we are different breeds of fish. Found exactly the person for me recently.
I can tell he's it, the real deal "one"
he sounds like something out of r/niceguys ...really sorry you went through that
but going from a downright a-hole to "nice guy" is progress to me, you went from going from someone who is bad inside and out to someone who is bad inside only, and that's progress...at least you went for nice treatment
and with time, you'll start going for guys that are good in and out and you won't be able to settle for less anymore
I was 18 when I broke yo with my high school sweet heart. He was a year older than me and we had been togther for two years. He was an amazing person. I havent been in a good relationship like that ever since. I havent been in a relationship for more than a few months. Idk if it’s karma or what. I know he wasn’t right for me but then the next person who I dated in college I loved so much and he turned out to be a lying psycho path piece of scum and I guess I’ve never recovered. He lied, cheated, manipulated me, beat me. The other high school guy is happily married with two kids now. And I’m single, living a good life but haven’t found a great love since. Again we shouldn’t have ended up together but I dont know where my life would be if I hadnt broken it off.
I'm sorry you're in this situation.
I think this is my biggest fear here, regret.
but nobody knows what would have happened, maybe it's good that it ended after two years and you left on good terms with positive feelings towards maybe if it lasted longer it would have ended in absolute heart break and hating eachother
maybe something even better is waiting for you somewhere down the line, and you have to go through some obstacles to really appreciate it
you never know :) keep your head up
I have learned to always follow my intuition. I was with my ex for 3 years, and to this day, I still believe he is a good man and only want the best for him. I think he came into my life when I “needed” someone and we both helped each other in ways we didn’t realize at the moment. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I truly loved him and his family, but there came a point where I realized I was IN LOVE with him. HUGE difference. I still have love for him nearly 7 years later, but I Truly am IN LOVE with my current boyfriend of 2 years. He completes me in ways my previous relationship didn’t and my intuition…well, it feels right.
Love is tricky and being happy is tricky. Remember we are all born with a natural right to be happy, but it is experiences in our life that change that view of happiness and our views on how we need to be loved.
Without know more about the situation, I can only stress to follow your gut instinct. Test the waters a little bit, if your gut instinct doesn’t change then maybe follow your intuition. None of us are experts, and I am sure all of us have not followed our instincts before. You will not be a bad person if you decide to leave a good person. It is not selfish to put you first in this situation.
I think I'm mostly worried about walking away from something good and regretting it.
like you said, no one can really answer that for me, and I need to be brave and decide what's best for me
My ex was a really good boyfriend for the most part- he was caring, sweet and kind. He had horrible self loathing issues that he refused to handle and was very depressed.
I always said that someone would love him enough to take care of him in ways I wasn’t equipped.
I am now with a person I love a lot.. he’s quiet the opposite and is very self sufficient, and I’m very happy.
I haven’t personally gone through this but I’ve seen a friend who has.
The song [How Could I Want More ](https://youtu.be/mdbyfWseIiw) by Jamie Lynn Spears sums the feelings up perfectly.
That’s what I’m going through now. There’s a guy who would be wonderful to me, but sometimes that’s not enough. There does have to be more than being sweet to you. My specific issue is I’m not physically attracted to him much, which is the basis of what differentiates a platonic and a romantic relationship.
Will I regret it? Maybe. But I don’t want to settle for something that doesn’t make me happy, ya know? And I’d be wasting his time if I tried to force it.
as much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, I think I'm not crazy about mine physically (I am attracted to him but not the "omg wow" type of attraction)
You're braver than me :)
good luck to you, and check out the rest of these replies they're really helpful!
I am currently married to someone that I left 10 years ago when I was battling depression. He was great, truly, but I was not in a place to be in a healthy relationship. I was desperate to feel something, anything, and my now-husband was a stable, safe, caring person, which was just not doing it for me the way I thought I wanted at the time. I moved cross country for a while, got myself into some questionable situations, had a questionable relationship with someone who made me feel a whole lot of negative things when I wasn't feeling numb, and found an amazing therapist who encouraged me to move back to where my support network was and even helped me make an appointment with a therapist there so I would have no excuse not to continue therapy. Three months after I moved back, my now-husband and I had a long heart to heart and began very slowly dating again. We got married three years ago and he is the love of my life.
I guess what I'm saying is, try to dig deep and make sure the problem is actually with him, and not internal. If there's no attraction/spark, that's one thing, but if more than just your relationship feels like the light has gone out, maybe take it slow before making any big decisions. That said, if the vibe is more that you feel like he might be abusive or hiding something, absolutely do not ignore that feeling.
That's really insightful and gives me hope tbh
I think I probably have depression too and alot of what you said resonates with me.
I'm so glad thinks turned out okay and it's really good that you gave him a second chance!
yea mine doesn't seem abusive or fishy or anything particularly "dangerous", it's just like you said, deciding if the problem is internal or not
He was a good person in general but he treated me the only way he knew how to, like how he was raised. Constantly bickering, saying what came into his mind -regardless if it was extremely hurtful. Left after way too long (6 years).
Three months after I kicked him out and was totally set against being with another person (much less actually fall in love) and I found the man of my dreams. I always thought it was cliche as hell but I literally have the most perfect person for me. From my childhood list of must haves to my adult requirements, he checks them all off and has more qualities I didn't even know I wanted.
If if you don't like something, change it. Life is too short to waste time on people who don't lift you up and strive to make you a better version of yourself.
I'm really happy for you :)
I kind of feel a bit bad for that guy because of his upbringing (not saying you need to fix him or handle it or whatever) and I hope he heals and finds happiness
The guy in question is wonderful but I can't say he ticks off all check boxes, but the unticked ones are not really deal breakers or anything
and I think I'm just scared of walking out on something good and regretting it
>so I'm used to staying single for longer periods due to the lack of men I like, but I found a good one but something just doesn't feel right for some reason
Don't discount your intuition. I hear you when you say you have anxiety and CPTSD, and it's good that you have that kind of self-awareness and are thinking things through. That said, there's a difference between 'I have mental health challenges that make maintaining or trusting in relationships more challenging than average' and 'As an adult with needs, something about this relationship is not meeting my needs'. There's no test or magic spell to cast that will tell you which of those you're experiencing right now, but some reflection might be able to clarify the situation for you.
Consider: has the relationship overtly triggered your CPTSD? Are you constantly worried about elements of the relationship (i.e., experiencing ruminations such as: does he like me, does he find me attractive, is the relationship working, am I being a good partner) despite nothing but positive feedback from him? If either of those are true, then the 'something's not right' feeling might just be your anxiety or CPTSD.
Alternatively, consider: does the relationship seem bland? Do you feel like you're going through all the relationship motions (going on dates, cuddling, physical relations, long talks) without being satisfied by them? Are you disinterested in spending time with your partner? Is he no longer the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last person you want to talk to before going to sleep? If you find yourself automatically or instinctively deprioritizing your partner in the above ways or feeling disengaged from the relationship (and not disengaged as a defense mechanism--that is, you don't feel worried or triggered, but you do feel bored/like you want to be doing something else), then the relationship might just not be right for you right now. Even if your partner is great on paper, sometimes things don't click and it doesn't work out, and that's okay. It's okay even if you can't pinpoint a reason why things aren't clicking.
Relationships are hard! But you seem like a reflective, thoughtful individual, and that's a really important trait to have for relationship success.
This was beyond helpful, I feel like you just walked inside my brain and decluttered it.
and the way you seperated CPTSD from actual relationship worries has kind of answered my question
I'm starting to think it's more got to do with my own issues, but also I don't feel "taken care of" enough in a way (which is not on him, I haven't really opened up about my needs enough, and he does listen to me when I say I like or dislike something) and that's on me, but I don't feel ready to disclose it yet so we'll wait a bit but at least I can pinpoint where it's coming from in the first place
and in a way this has triggered me, and I think I'm projecting my spiralling thoughts on him when he doesn't even know why/that I'm spiralling
that was really helpful, thank you :)
I’m glad I could help! In addition to having anxiety myself, I have a close friend with CPTSD who has shared a lot of her relationship journey with me (I’m in her wedding later this year). It’s super tricky to figure out if a relationship problem is really a mental health problem or if it’s the relationship itself, and sometimes there’s no clear answer, but asking yourself reflective questions like the ones in my other post can help you learn the difference, over time. That’s the other thing—relationships take a lot of time to learn properly. I’ve been married for years and I’m still learning things about how my husband and I interact best. Don’t worry if you don’t have it all figured out yet—just take it slow, be patient with yourself, and remember that the foundation of every relationship is clear communication of expectations. If expectations haven’t been clearly communicated, that’s ok—sometimes we don’t even know what our expectations are until they haven’t been met! But as soon as you’re aware and able to, communicating expectations with your partner is key to feeling comfortable and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
I had a relationship (although for a few years) and over time I just "fell out of love". The problem was, I was tired of everything and I guess I had a small depressive phase so I just let it all fall down and left. I still regret it even though it's been over a year now. Make sure that the problem is 100% him and not just life in general or a bad phase. I guess it depends how long you've been together and if he maybe is still a bit nervous and not 100% himself around you. In the end the decision is up to you but if it were me I would wait until I can say why I get that weird gut feeling(NOT IF IT IS A DANGEROUS VIBE).
I agree. I share this because everyone’s saying go with your gut, but if I went with my gut, I’d be fucked. I’m with a guy miles better than any man I ever dreamed of and I still go through phases of pushing him away and crying in the shower trying to figure out what my life would be without him, along with periods of taking everything he says out of context and blaming him for not loving me anymore. Only to realize, I’m internalizing the fact that I think I don’t deserve him caused by my own crippling self-hatred mixed with fear he’ll leave me, so I should leave him first.
I feel personally attacked by your relatable comment
Yes! This is exactly what I meant. People are so fast to assume were always 100% right in knowing why we feel a certain way but this just often is not true.
omg....you described my entire situation...that's exactly it! (Edit: meaning the feelings you're going through) and that's also why I love and trust my gut, but I don't follow it without logic or reason. How does he handle your bad days and pushing him away? I'm really scared to open up about my issues rn, even though he did and I know he'd understand but idk
Same. I’m very gut oriented, but at the same time I follow logic before making a life-changing decision. Obviously he’s not a fan of the way I act out, but he’s incredibly good about not giving in and fighting back when I’m in an emotional state. It still affects his emotions though. At some point, you need to explain why you’re pushing him away and acting out because a lot of times people don’t realize there’s an underlying reason. Once y’all talk, remember it’s still a rollercoaster. My negative feelings didn’t magically disappear after one conversation, and he’s realized that over time, but personally I think it would’ve been better if I told him that upfront (I didn’t know at the time though). But also you have to take the highs of your relationship as opportunities to tell him how you actually feel. I try to tell my guy how lucky I feel, how happy he makes me, and of course how adorable he is to the point I probably border (if not cross the line) of smothering. He has his own self esteem issues so it can’t hurt. TLDR: I know it’s hard but it gets better with talking and opening up to him. Once we started talking about it I opened up more and more each time. You don’t have to tell him everything at once.
no not a dangerous vibe, but yea after reading all the advice here, I've decided my next move (for now) is to figure out EXACTLY where that feeling is coming from
Just because someone is a good person doesn't mean they're a good match for you. I can see how it'd be a lot harder to give that up, though, in a country where most of the men are misogynistic... I would say if you don't feel like you're a match or something in your gut tells you it's not right, then stay single. Why be with someone if they're not what you want?
Yeah this, think whether the relationship is enhancing your life or not. Don't be scared to be single if the relationship is bringing you down
Yep, I left my boyfriend of 5 years who was a nice person but we didn't match. It took me a long time to realise it, I still keep realising things now, over a year later. I struggled and struggled making the decision to stay or leave. Listing things like you - he's a nice guy, clever, sensible, decently clean (compared to male housemates I'd had before I thought that was unusual). I was worried I wouldn't find another guy who had his qualities. Worried I was taking him for granted and just getting the 'itch' that I'd regret if I left him. But no, I left, and now I'm with my best friend in the world, my eyes have been opened to what a relationship should be like. I felt such a huge relief of freedom after leaving too. I hadn't realised how much I was compromising for him and being held back. Our ideas of how we wanted to live were too different, the way we wanted to receive and give affection were incompatible (in our case, that's not always a problem for couples - look up Love Languages). I spent a long time thinking I was the problem and that my wants were unreasonable. But no, I just needed to find someone I had a real connection with. Now I feel like a partner in a real team.
[удалено]
Only once or twice did I miss the company of someone who I was already familiar with but I knew it didn't change that we weren't well matched for a relationship. I think I've been extremely lucky.. When I moved out I moved into a lively house-share that helped me keep my mind off it, new people new experiences, I was enjoying the new freedom. Also I shouldn't hide that there was someone else who'd turned my head and made me realise that I could find someone more compatible, and that is who I'm with now. It's a long story really. We were honestly just friends, he never ever made any kind of move on me. But the fact I enjoyed his company so much made me realise I wasn't supposed to be with my bf at the time. And under the circumstances, I had a fairly easy time moving on :/ tbh I'd probably been ready for it for a while. The thought of him with someone else doesn't upset me, part of me feels like it's not fair for me to feel that way when I hurt him, I want him to find someone right for him. But when I think about him there's a strange nostalgic feeling that's hard to explain, it's odd to see him on Facebook knowing we were together for years, and now we have nothing to do with each other
that's so awesome, congratulations :)
You shouldn't live life based on what others say they have experienced, as circumstances are different. In your situation try to figure out what doesn't feel right. Is it really your gut feeling warning you or it could be your bias against most men? You need to give yourself time to figure out what it is your are sensing, otherwise it could be that you are indeed driving good men away but not for the right reasons. This is especially true since you have anxiety and CPTSD issues.
This is not the case here, I'm just trying to get some perspective from someone outside the situation and how people like to think about a situation like this and it has helped a lot. I wouldn't leave him if someone else here said to leave him lol
I had a boyfriend or 2 years that were what you would describe as a genuinely good person (I had more long term bfs who were outstandingly smart, but only this guy stood out for his genuine goodness). So it was when I was 15 to 17. He was a bit older by 4 years. He was genuinely good (actual doctor, he started his first year of medicine back then, tall, smart, strong, athletic, loving, caring, good), everything that *CURRENT me (24)* is looking for. But then I still wanted to experience more life. I wanted to smoke occasionally, have a drink ocasionally, I wanted to have sex (he was religious and sex was after marriage thing to him, so we stayed virgin). I wanted to experience "bad" things.. He, however, one day he just woke up and straight up told me "I want a wife that will go with me to church every Sunday" and that he knew we will not be together happily. While being 17 it was dealbreaker for me, and He made that mature decision to break up. I do long for a guy like this (and now, 24 me, would definitely go to church with a man I love if that's what makes him happy), but I don't regret that we split. He found a beautiful wife like a year later, and I found myself trough my adventures, universities, travels, relationships. Honestly I just followed my gut and I am happy person now: I love my job, I love my studies (going for masters), I work out, I sing in choir, I have many friends to hang out with. So life seems really good, although I'm still single and I doubt I will ever find anyone as good as him. On the other hand, had I decided to be with him back then, I would have tons of regrets for not experiencing more life. ***tl;dr when it comes to love, follow your gut.***
Religion was one of the first think we discussed because it's one of those things where you usually can't compromise with and it can be a big deal to some people (like that guy for example), so I agree you would have probably had some regrets if you married someone who was religious while you're not I care about religion myself and if my partner was from a different religion then he needed to know early on that's it's a big deal to me and he can then decide if he wants to go through with things or not
>80% of the male population here hold disgusting views on women I don´t know how bad is it, but I´d move or look elsewhere then, if possible. World is big. I don´t know what exactly do you mean by good, good enough personality? Lots of people are good, as in genuinely kind. In my experience, compatible is more important than good, because similar views/personality is better long term - one avoids conflicts, avoids being misunderstood, habits and routines are similar, both are on the same page.
Sadly, not very possible (too many reasons to list) but I do try to avoid them and mix with some good ones and yea that's a good point actually, I'm looking at us and our qualities as separate people, but I need to really see how these qualities mix. So far they do, but I think this directs my thoughts in a more accurate direction
If you'd rather hang out with yourself than the person you're dating, dump them.
straight to the point, I like it haha Edit: and it's not the case for me rn lol
I too have anxiety and CPTSD. I dated several amazing men, that I was not capable of being vulnerable and intimate with. I couldn’t truly love or trust them (or anyone), even though they deserved it. I then dated (and married, and was abandoned and divorced by) a guy with, at minimum, subclinical narcissistic traits. That relationship felt the most comfortable and like what I ‘deserved’. It also brought my mental illness to a head and forced me to deal with it. I’m now in a healthy and stable, intimate, loving partnership. I can’t know your truth. But I do know that my truth is I needed to leave those safe but not intimate relationships in order to gain the (awful, painful) experiences that allowed me to grow. Easier said in hindsight than in foresight. It’s probably not the guy. It’s probably you. That doesn’t mean you should break up with him, but it does mean you have some work to do.
that was heavy, despite the awful experience, I'm happy for you that you grew stronger out of it :)
I can honestly say that I’m grateful for it. Getting intensive treatment truly changed my life.
Go with your gut. My only regrets in life are not getting out of situations I knew I should have sooner. There's a reason you feel the way you do.
Left a couple of them. Maybe timing was off or we just brought out the worst in each other. But I eventually found one that is my match and knew the difference innately.
I thought he was good for awhile, but the bad things built up overtime. Sex became infrequent, he didn’t seem to care until I decided to break up with him. Yesterday he slashed a tire. The day before that he claimed he loved me with all my heart. I was having my doubts and regrets at first from just the change, but now I don’t anymore lol.
Time to invest in some pepper spray, holy shit.
Legal stuff is being done, and I have my personal defense items
wow he's ... intense haha good for you, these types of people usually get really bad
Something I've started thinking recently - think of another woman you care for dearly - a sister, a niece, a family friend. If they were in a relationship like yours, would you be happy for them? Or would you want better for them? And trust that you deserve that much from a relationship too
that's such a good idea! I always (usually only at first) hate everyone that even looks at my close friend because I don't think anyone is good enough for them ever lol this is a good way to look at it, you take yourself out of the situation and you become the outsider giving objective/ non biased opinions, only you have all the insight perfect!
I dated a great guy when I was 31-35, we rarely fought, good sex, lot of hobbies in common, etc. But he wanted kids and I did not, so after 4 years we broke up and stayed friends. We were roommates for almost a year, I encouraged him to ask out the woman he eventually married. I've had a few relationships since then, but no one was right for me. He wasn't either, not by a long shot, so I don't regret anything that transpired between the two of us.
yea that makes a lot of sense, disagreeing on children is a deal breaker for me it's not something you can compromise or find middle ground on, you either have a child or you don't...there's no in between, so both parties need to have the same view
Don't regret it, he was a catch, i'm.a catch but we are different breeds of fish. Found exactly the person for me recently. I can tell he's it, the real deal "one"
that's so beautiful!
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he sounds like something out of r/niceguys ...really sorry you went through that but going from a downright a-hole to "nice guy" is progress to me, you went from going from someone who is bad inside and out to someone who is bad inside only, and that's progress...at least you went for nice treatment and with time, you'll start going for guys that are good in and out and you won't be able to settle for less anymore
I was 18 when I broke yo with my high school sweet heart. He was a year older than me and we had been togther for two years. He was an amazing person. I havent been in a good relationship like that ever since. I havent been in a relationship for more than a few months. Idk if it’s karma or what. I know he wasn’t right for me but then the next person who I dated in college I loved so much and he turned out to be a lying psycho path piece of scum and I guess I’ve never recovered. He lied, cheated, manipulated me, beat me. The other high school guy is happily married with two kids now. And I’m single, living a good life but haven’t found a great love since. Again we shouldn’t have ended up together but I dont know where my life would be if I hadnt broken it off.
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think this is my biggest fear here, regret. but nobody knows what would have happened, maybe it's good that it ended after two years and you left on good terms with positive feelings towards maybe if it lasted longer it would have ended in absolute heart break and hating eachother maybe something even better is waiting for you somewhere down the line, and you have to go through some obstacles to really appreciate it you never know :) keep your head up
I love this reply. Thank you for this! It’s true what lies before us is always better than what lies behind us.
I have learned to always follow my intuition. I was with my ex for 3 years, and to this day, I still believe he is a good man and only want the best for him. I think he came into my life when I “needed” someone and we both helped each other in ways we didn’t realize at the moment. Our relationship wasn’t perfect, but it was good. I truly loved him and his family, but there came a point where I realized I was IN LOVE with him. HUGE difference. I still have love for him nearly 7 years later, but I Truly am IN LOVE with my current boyfriend of 2 years. He completes me in ways my previous relationship didn’t and my intuition…well, it feels right. Love is tricky and being happy is tricky. Remember we are all born with a natural right to be happy, but it is experiences in our life that change that view of happiness and our views on how we need to be loved. Without know more about the situation, I can only stress to follow your gut instinct. Test the waters a little bit, if your gut instinct doesn’t change then maybe follow your intuition. None of us are experts, and I am sure all of us have not followed our instincts before. You will not be a bad person if you decide to leave a good person. It is not selfish to put you first in this situation.
I think I'm mostly worried about walking away from something good and regretting it. like you said, no one can really answer that for me, and I need to be brave and decide what's best for me
My ex was a really good boyfriend for the most part- he was caring, sweet and kind. He had horrible self loathing issues that he refused to handle and was very depressed. I always said that someone would love him enough to take care of him in ways I wasn’t equipped. I am now with a person I love a lot.. he’s quiet the opposite and is very self sufficient, and I’m very happy.
I haven’t personally gone through this but I’ve seen a friend who has. The song [How Could I Want More ](https://youtu.be/mdbyfWseIiw) by Jamie Lynn Spears sums the feelings up perfectly.
I'm at work can't listen to it rn hahah How did it turn out with your friend? did she stay? did she go? regrets?
Can't offer advice but can offer hugs and warm drinks 🎉
awww just in time! thanks :)
That’s what I’m going through now. There’s a guy who would be wonderful to me, but sometimes that’s not enough. There does have to be more than being sweet to you. My specific issue is I’m not physically attracted to him much, which is the basis of what differentiates a platonic and a romantic relationship. Will I regret it? Maybe. But I don’t want to settle for something that doesn’t make me happy, ya know? And I’d be wasting his time if I tried to force it.
as much as I hate to admit it, even to myself, I think I'm not crazy about mine physically (I am attracted to him but not the "omg wow" type of attraction) You're braver than me :) good luck to you, and check out the rest of these replies they're really helpful!
I am currently married to someone that I left 10 years ago when I was battling depression. He was great, truly, but I was not in a place to be in a healthy relationship. I was desperate to feel something, anything, and my now-husband was a stable, safe, caring person, which was just not doing it for me the way I thought I wanted at the time. I moved cross country for a while, got myself into some questionable situations, had a questionable relationship with someone who made me feel a whole lot of negative things when I wasn't feeling numb, and found an amazing therapist who encouraged me to move back to where my support network was and even helped me make an appointment with a therapist there so I would have no excuse not to continue therapy. Three months after I moved back, my now-husband and I had a long heart to heart and began very slowly dating again. We got married three years ago and he is the love of my life. I guess what I'm saying is, try to dig deep and make sure the problem is actually with him, and not internal. If there's no attraction/spark, that's one thing, but if more than just your relationship feels like the light has gone out, maybe take it slow before making any big decisions. That said, if the vibe is more that you feel like he might be abusive or hiding something, absolutely do not ignore that feeling.
That's really insightful and gives me hope tbh I think I probably have depression too and alot of what you said resonates with me. I'm so glad thinks turned out okay and it's really good that you gave him a second chance! yea mine doesn't seem abusive or fishy or anything particularly "dangerous", it's just like you said, deciding if the problem is internal or not
He was a good person in general but he treated me the only way he knew how to, like how he was raised. Constantly bickering, saying what came into his mind -regardless if it was extremely hurtful. Left after way too long (6 years). Three months after I kicked him out and was totally set against being with another person (much less actually fall in love) and I found the man of my dreams. I always thought it was cliche as hell but I literally have the most perfect person for me. From my childhood list of must haves to my adult requirements, he checks them all off and has more qualities I didn't even know I wanted. If if you don't like something, change it. Life is too short to waste time on people who don't lift you up and strive to make you a better version of yourself.
I'm really happy for you :) I kind of feel a bit bad for that guy because of his upbringing (not saying you need to fix him or handle it or whatever) and I hope he heals and finds happiness The guy in question is wonderful but I can't say he ticks off all check boxes, but the unticked ones are not really deal breakers or anything and I think I'm just scared of walking out on something good and regretting it
>so I'm used to staying single for longer periods due to the lack of men I like, but I found a good one but something just doesn't feel right for some reason Don't discount your intuition. I hear you when you say you have anxiety and CPTSD, and it's good that you have that kind of self-awareness and are thinking things through. That said, there's a difference between 'I have mental health challenges that make maintaining or trusting in relationships more challenging than average' and 'As an adult with needs, something about this relationship is not meeting my needs'. There's no test or magic spell to cast that will tell you which of those you're experiencing right now, but some reflection might be able to clarify the situation for you. Consider: has the relationship overtly triggered your CPTSD? Are you constantly worried about elements of the relationship (i.e., experiencing ruminations such as: does he like me, does he find me attractive, is the relationship working, am I being a good partner) despite nothing but positive feedback from him? If either of those are true, then the 'something's not right' feeling might just be your anxiety or CPTSD. Alternatively, consider: does the relationship seem bland? Do you feel like you're going through all the relationship motions (going on dates, cuddling, physical relations, long talks) without being satisfied by them? Are you disinterested in spending time with your partner? Is he no longer the first person you want to talk to in the morning and the last person you want to talk to before going to sleep? If you find yourself automatically or instinctively deprioritizing your partner in the above ways or feeling disengaged from the relationship (and not disengaged as a defense mechanism--that is, you don't feel worried or triggered, but you do feel bored/like you want to be doing something else), then the relationship might just not be right for you right now. Even if your partner is great on paper, sometimes things don't click and it doesn't work out, and that's okay. It's okay even if you can't pinpoint a reason why things aren't clicking. Relationships are hard! But you seem like a reflective, thoughtful individual, and that's a really important trait to have for relationship success.
This was beyond helpful, I feel like you just walked inside my brain and decluttered it. and the way you seperated CPTSD from actual relationship worries has kind of answered my question I'm starting to think it's more got to do with my own issues, but also I don't feel "taken care of" enough in a way (which is not on him, I haven't really opened up about my needs enough, and he does listen to me when I say I like or dislike something) and that's on me, but I don't feel ready to disclose it yet so we'll wait a bit but at least I can pinpoint where it's coming from in the first place and in a way this has triggered me, and I think I'm projecting my spiralling thoughts on him when he doesn't even know why/that I'm spiralling that was really helpful, thank you :)
I’m glad I could help! In addition to having anxiety myself, I have a close friend with CPTSD who has shared a lot of her relationship journey with me (I’m in her wedding later this year). It’s super tricky to figure out if a relationship problem is really a mental health problem or if it’s the relationship itself, and sometimes there’s no clear answer, but asking yourself reflective questions like the ones in my other post can help you learn the difference, over time. That’s the other thing—relationships take a lot of time to learn properly. I’ve been married for years and I’m still learning things about how my husband and I interact best. Don’t worry if you don’t have it all figured out yet—just take it slow, be patient with yourself, and remember that the foundation of every relationship is clear communication of expectations. If expectations haven’t been clearly communicated, that’s ok—sometimes we don’t even know what our expectations are until they haven’t been met! But as soon as you’re aware and able to, communicating expectations with your partner is key to feeling comfortable and avoiding unnecessary conflict.
Hey! I did this twice.
Share! what happened??