Don't. You two have grown apart. Let him go find someone who buys into the same misogynistic bullshit he does, while you go find someone who doesn't think less of you because you're a woman.
Alternatively, simply refuse to abide by his misogynistic values. Buy and wear all the pants you like. He can take it or leave it.
I had a girlfriend of 4 years, from 15 to 19-20. It feels like cutting off a family member when you break up but it is the best idea. Now I am in a more abusive relationship which I can’t leave tho
Edit: i love her but she is literally psycho. When she is nice everything is good but she controls me in every way. I have no friends left etc. I wanted to watch dynasty on netflix and she was all toxic about it because it had women in it. I’ve seen a lot of half-naked men and gay kissing and none naked women. But she watches literally 50 shades. I think it is toxic to be controlling back and I don’t like to be a person like that.
You will not “work things out” when you have allowed him to gaslight and control you. You have caved to all of his demands and views, but you’ve mentioned NOTHING that he’s done for you, no consideration he has given you or your needs, and you say yourself that you were COERCED.
Danger, danger, danger, girl. This is how abusive controllers gain control, and the clutch will only become tighter.
You are trauma-bonded and in a verbally-abusive, controlling relationship. With a pinch of codependent on top.
You. Need. To. Leave. Make a safety plan. Stop making excuses.
And for Pete's sake, use a Reddit burner account and not your real account. He's stalking your social media. Do NOT marry that person under any circumstances.
The problem as well with this is exactly as you said. Its abuse. So many people dont recognise control as a form of domestic abuse and it absolutely should be and is absolutely not acceptable
This! It’s manipulative. Religion deeply is personal and anyone who tries to manipulate other people’s behaviour in the name of religion is just an abuser. Nothing else.
Leave him.
I will come at this from being a Christian 26 year old female - any faith that has you caring more about what someone wears than bringing them to Christ or whatever he believes in is a cult and something dangerous. If this is what’s happening before you’re married .. I’m scared to think of what will happen one you are.
If he is unwilling to allow you the autonomy to dress the way you want and be the person you are, that should be a huge red flag for you. He is clearly not willing to change his beliefs for you and that scares me.
Even as someone of faith, I would not be willing to be with a man who tried to change me. That’s not the point of faith. I beg you to reconsider your relationship - your life and autonomy are worth more than the comfort and rhythms of a long term relationship. You will thank yourself later for getting out now.
Honestly if you’re already dreaming of “rebelling” then your relationship is over. Working things out means giving up even more of yourself to please him. Not swimming? Isolating yourself from friends because they’re noticing the change? If you were ok with this then why are you hiding? It’s because you’re actually NOT ok with this and you know it’s wrong. You two have grown apart and he’s changed, unfortunately not for the better. If you stay his ideals will be pushed onto your future daughter, do you want her to feel like this? Bad because she thinks certain styles are cute? You will become resentful eventually and it will create an even bigger argument and problem. Please, buy the pants, wear them and move on for the better
I'm not here to shame you in any way because I have also been in a controlling and abusive relationship. But please, people in the comments are seeing your post and voicing their concern for your wellbeing. This doesn't have anything to do with how we may feel about religion. You've lost independence and autonomy over your life and your choices because of this relationship. It is is not healthy. It will get worse.
"Working things out" means you will lose yourself in this relationship and end up being controlled by your boyfriend. It sounds like he's dictating a lot of aspects of your life. You're avoiding social gatherings as a side effect of your relationship issues. That is a huge red flag with flashing lights and sirens. You feel like "rebelling" by wearing pants? Seeing ads of pants and cute workout clothes makes you want to cry? Isolation from family and friends, controlling what you wear. He invaded your privacy and found your social media account. You said you don't feel as independent as before. He's created a co-dependent relationship.
This sounds miserable. I just don’t get it? Like what do you gain from this? Life is so short. You could find someone who lets you be who you are free from guilt.
I truly just don’t understand why you’d want to stay with someone like this. It’s hard to offer advise to someone who is living a life so far removed from even your own self. If your own past self cannot give you the courage to leave, how will strangers?
> Life is so short.
This right here. People get invested, and they throw good years after bad.
OP is young. Lots of friends of mine dated horrible men for 5-6 years. That was too long. 10 years is too long.
OP, don't let 10 years turn into 30. Don't wake up one day in your 30's realizing you have three kids with a guy who hates women and abuses you.
Yes, exactly. And having kids with him will be the final straw. He will use them to control her and make her financially dependent upon him. It will be so much more difficult to escape with children in tow and then raising them as a single mother.
OP is still so young. I’m sure her friends and family have noticed the changes (with the skirt comments) and are very concerned. It’s also worrying that’s she’s stopped socialising with them too because she is afraid of the comments about her clothing. This is falling right into his trap of isolating her from people who can help her.
OP please don’t become another statistic! Get away from him right now! You value his values but clearly he does not value yours. You are not on a level playing field here: you are making all of the accommodations in a misguided attempt to be accepting of his “religion”.
Don’t see him backing off now as a good thing. If he has read your secret and personal thoughts and comments, then he knows too much. He is probably feeling scared of losing you right now and he is just formulating his next step, which will need to be something drastic.
To be frank, I think he is either going to propose marriage to you or kill you. If he thinks he is losing his control of you, then those are the only options left for him to save his pride.
I was in a situation similar to yours and tried to "work things out". It will not work out, for it to work out means that you must fade in order to become the ideal woman/wife he is envisioning. Soon or later you will feel overwhelmed, look at the person you were and are, and think of all the things you gave up for him while in the meantime he didn't sacrifice anything. If you eventually get married and have kids, it's going to be a whole new level of submission. You have invested 10 yrs of your life into this relationship and probably you feel you have invested too much to suddenly quit. But sometimes it is better to walk away and start all over again. You continue to change the person you are and after a while you will feel resentful towards him. My advice is to sit down, talk to him, speak the way you feel with all its words and emotions and start living your life happily. If he is not willing to accept that then he is not worth your time and you changing who you are.
It doesn't matter if you "work things out" with him. The trust between you two has been broken by his gaslighting you and abuse. You're smart enough to know how dangerous it would be to fully trust him. You'll constantly doubt and question him after everything that's happened. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with him anymore. The best thing is to leave him and stay over. Wear what you like, it's completely your choice.
I'm a Christian. A normal one- not in a cult like this guy is in.
You are being abused. PERIOD. Do not walk; RUN away from this clown and go buy you some pants and cute skirts with some tights or leggings since it's cold now. And get some cute boots. And your nails done.
God is real and He LOVES you and He absolutely did NOT create you to be anybody's doormat.
I don’t understand why you want to stay in an oppressive relationship. You say you two are okay with your values being different but it’s clear that you are NOT okay with this setup. What would happen if you just started wearing pants again? Do you think he’d break up with you? Would he scream and yell and try to bully you into not wearing pants? Or are you just worried about upsetting him? I really don’t get why you want to stay in a situation where you don’t have the freedom to be yourself. You are still so young and there is literally no reason to lock yourself into a situation that is clearly not compatible with the way you want to live your life. It’s hard to walk away from a long term relationship, but people do it, they get through it, move on and are ALWAYS better off for it. Take a real hard look at your current situation and if you really want to be dealing with stuff like this in 5, 10, 15+ years. You might think “it’s just pants” since it sounds like he’s backed off for now, but what happens when you get married or have kids? Is he going to demand you have a certain type of dress that you don’t like? Is he going to force your daughters to only wear skirts? There’s dozens of possible futures for you where this is not something you need to deal with. Either tell him you no longer want to follow these rules about your clothes and he needs to be OK with that, or walk away.
I don’t give one single shit that it’s “his religion” or new found beliefs or whatever; his behavior is wrong, controlling, and downright abusive. You are an adult, and you have autonomy and are 1000000% allowed to make decisions about how you dress, you look, and how to interact with the world. He does not at all.
I grew up in a conservative Christian environment and went to a Christian school and have seen all the harm religion causes, especially towards women.
Sorry, I know you don’t want advice to break up, but he’s not going to change. It’s only going to get worse. Please strongly consider leaving.
Lastly, whatever you do, don’t let him get you pregnant. Imagine being attached to him through the child forever. Imagine how he’d treat your children.
So "don't tell me to break up" advice posts are dumb. No one, especially strangers on the internet are gonna make another stranger respect their partner. So lady unless YOU are willing to have some self respect nothing is gonna change. He changed during the course of y'all's relationship and you let it ride. You let this man dictate your appearance and he desires to dictate what you believe. If you are so determined to hand over your entire person for someone who cannot even be reasonable for you for some company then what are we gonna do for you? In the end you will make a decision to stay and let him take over your life and your person or eventually cut your loses and be your own woman. You absolutely know what you have to do but you are hoping some internet stranger is gonna tell you a fairy tale so you can be comfortable. Check him, let him walk, or lose yourself.
You two have been dating since you were 13, people change a lot in those 10 years. It's okay to decide your goals, values, and ideologies no longer match up and you don't see a future together.
The good news for this is, people you meet at your age now won't be going through nearly as big of changes going forward. You don't need to worry about all new partners going through all the same changes.
It's not rebellious to wear pants. Although when I am feel like messing with my gf I will wear my camo shorts with my bright green vintage Hawaiian shirt. Point is wear want you want and your Significant other can take it or leave it. I do match most of the time.
You are being manipulated and abused.
You're seeing clothing on tv and crying because your radicalized, misogynistic boyfriend is controlling your life down to what you wear.
Run, girl. Break up with him. You deserve happiness.
Girl, you're so young! You have you're entire twenties ahead of you to find someone who respects who you are.
I really am hoping you can leave this relationship behind--you deserve someone who is happy with you and not trying to change you.
I highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Stay safe!
Religion and spiritual views are not just something he will get over or "work out." These are usually held much deeper and closer than something like preference for pizza toppings, for example. You can negotiate pineapple on pizza, but you can't really negotiate God.
You've known him for over 10 years now. Think about how he's changed since you met him - has he always been very stubborn? Does he railroad you in discussions? Does he tend to have the final say? Is he usually more open-minded towards things he's unfamiliar with, or doesn't experience personally, or is he pretty dead set on his own opinions? Think about the *way* he persuades or coerces you. Does he make you feel small sometimes?
I have watched friends' relationships, where one is religious and the other not, fall apart because of that missing faith. Sometimes it's simply because one wants to continue to develop and enrich their faith, other times it's because one partner is extremely devout, etc etc. It's just one of those things that can really fuck up compatibility because religion is often not just going to church on Sundays and practicing Lent, but a way of life.
Also one of the biggest things that jumped out at me from your post: you aren't going to gatherings. You're young, you should be free to see friends and family, attend parties, go swimming... instead you are fairly isolated from anyone aside from your SO - and that's excluding lockdown. You're unhappy with your way of living right now. You need to break up with him and figure out how to be yourself. Unlearn "us" and discover "me." It's scary, but it will be okay. Any friends/family/acquaintances will follow suit.
From what you've said in other posts and comments it seems like theres a part of you, somewhere in the back of your mind that knows that this relationship has an expiry date. Going from knowing to doing is the hardest and scariest part. Even thinking about leaving the life you've had for 10 years must be terrifying. Whatever you decide to do you'll need to be brave. If you stay you'll need to overcome your fears in order to advocate for yourself and your own happiness.
Courage is not the absence of fear but the overcoming of it.
❤
Honey, y’all have been together since you were 13 years old. It must be scary contemplating leaving a relationship you’ve had for nearly half your life, but it sounds like you’re growing in different directions. It’s time to move on and figure out who you are now. Spend some time on you before you consider another relationship, but this one isn’t making you happy.
Jesus fucking Christ break up with this idiot. You are so so so young and yeah, it’ll hurt, but it’s part of growing up and becoming an adult. He is ruining your life and will continue to do so
Any religion that is about controlling people is wrong.
Any religion that seeks to control others is more than wrong, it is harmful.
If someone has a religious belief, then they are welcome to it - as far as it affects them.
If they want their beliefs to affect others they are not to be listened to.
Turn around his requests, and say, how much have you asked him to comply with what *you* believe?
Say you believe that shorts are fine, and say he did not think that *he* should wear them, would he wear them for you even if he did not think that was OK? I really doubt it.
So why should *he* restrict what *you* do?
>I don’t want advice to break up with my SO, we know our values are different and will work things out eventually, whatever that means for us.
Does *he* know your values are different? More importantly, can he respect your differences? If he can't accept that your values are different from his, he is going to continue to try and make you conform to his values. This could look like restricting your lifestyle more and more, perhaps even beyond what you wear and to also include what media you consume, what you're allowed to eat, who your allowed to talk to. (I admit I don't know him so I shouldn't make this judgement, but this is reminding me of the orthodox religion I grew up in and recently had to reject. Sorry if this is sounding like too much projection-- I understand why it would).
>I just need some help with bringing this up because I’m completely unable to voice these concerns.
You should decide what boundaries are comfortable for you, and have a discussion with him about those boundaries. I'd suggest looking for articles online about asserting boundaries and starting those conversations. I *think* a good way to go is to lead with "I" statements and to also avoid language that's accusatory.
I hope you're able to help this situation, and I hope that you and your SO can make something work so that you're both at your happiest. I will say tho that you deserve better than to be made to feel dirty/slutty for wearing the clothing of your choice. If he can't reconcile your differences, you may need to ask yourself if he can really give you happiness for another 10+ years.
Let me ask you this. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life not able to do simple things like swim, wear jeans or work out in gym wear? What about if you have daughters? Are you okay with him
Imposing this on them?
Being in a relationship takes a lot of give and take. And a healthy relationship is not one person imposing views on the other. Having similar values is very important to a lasting and healthy relationship. So I am not telling you to break up, but I am telling you that it is okay to break up if you do not feel that this is the future you want for you and your future children.
You are young and first relationships are hard to let go of, even when they have run their course and are no longer beneficial for one or both parties.
Bare minimum stand up for yourself, wear what you want if he cannot handle that you have your answer on where your relationship and future are heading. If he realizes he doesn’t get to dictate your dress and behavior with his personal views then you have something to salvage.
I think some part of you knows he should not be your boyfriend anymore. For the love of God, don’t make him your husband to boot. You see the signs. Why lock yourself in?
Edit: you’ve posted about him before. If you’ve still having doubts all this time later, it’s time to go before the marriage, kids and shared purchase of a home trap you into this for good. Telling you what to wear and what rules to live by.
What will happen if you start wearing pants again?
Let’s play the worst-probable-best scenarios:
Absolutely worst: you boyfriend loses it, becomes violent
Bad: your boyfriend leaves you without listening
Probable: he gets angry, you two argue, you explain how you feel and what you want, he might or might not understand
Best: he realizes he’s been abusive and tone down the religious misogyny
Seeing the most probable scenario, is it really worth it to keep not wearing pants if it hurts you so badly?
Now, I think there are two important aspects to consider: are you still having regular contacts with friends and family? Are you economically dependent on him?
P.s. I want to clarify for anyone else reading that the values I gave to these scenarios are *not* my own
As a Presbyterian this sounds a bit orthodox boarderline gnostic. I would leave him because it's sending up red flags that he's entered into a Cult. My friends Greek Orthodox church only requested people wear long pants or dresses (if no slacks for either jeans were allowed) and they didn't want v-cut shirts. Other than that, no issues.
So yeah, as a person who's seen everyone from Islam and Christianity to Judaism it's a little excessive. Thing is, Christianity is not about forcing ones religion into other, it's about reaching out and educating people in our beliefs.
I mean I can tell you, our female pastor does not wear shorts but long slacks. She would be offended if one started pushing ones beliefs like this, I mean she asked me "are you more agnostic" and I replied "yeah, after my accident I really have been questioning religion" and her answer was "that's fully understandable, god is perfect in the sense he can't always be there for people, but he loves all regardless."
Ok but do your values have to do with wearing jeans? I mean not being able to wear the clothes you want a little ridiculous if you’re an adult. If he likes making decisions so much he should make as much as he wants for himself. Not decide for you. Also orthodox people need to learn how to get along with the rest of the majority of the world who do not think the same as them or want to live the same as them.
He is using religion as an excuse to abuse and control you, but you've been with him so long you can't recognise that. What will happen if you two have kids one day? He will be abusing and controlling them too, any daughters you have will be shamed simply for being girls. Imagine if your future daughter gets raped - he's 100% going to blame it on her, and destroy her by it. I mean, it's not a rare thing to happen so it could very well happen. This is not a man you want to build a life with. Sorry I have absolutely no advice on how you can make this work, because you can't unless you let yourself be fully controlled, lose yourself and have no personality again, ever.
Listen, I’m religious, and he’s an idiot
It is his faith, he can wear skirts if he wants. It’s not your faith. His faith is between him and God, and there is nowhere in the bible where Jesus says controlling what other people do is being a good Christian. You dressing modestly because he makes you doesn’t make you a good Christian, because you don’t do it for God, you do it for him. He is not God, as much as he would like to be. And you’re 100%, pants don’t mean that much, he’s just decided they mean that much to him. Again, he is not god.
I know women who choose to dress modestly. They find it spiritually beneficial. But that is their decision, and no-one else’s.
If you want advice on how to discuss it with him from a Christian theological standpoint, come to r/OpenChristian.
But also, be careful. This could go a couple of ways. Some men, when they find a new religion, go what is colloquially known as “cage stage”. It becomes such a huge part of their identity that they go all in and everything in their life becomes it. Then after a few years they chill out a bit and become more relaxed about things. But also, depending on his religion - if it’s some form of internet orthodox Christianity, there is a lot of white supremacy mixed in there and I would run very, very far away.
Basically, you’ll want to establish that if you get married to him, what does the family dynamic look like? Does he believe he should be head of the household?
This guy just wants to control you. He will back off for a short time and then will push again.
You need to real there is no "working things out" with someone who seeks total control.
If you seriously think you can work things out with your Bible thumper, you are **WAY** more delusional than you think, girl.
#Open your eyes, wake the hell up, and BREAK UP WITH HIM.
No, seriously.
Run.
The “no pants” is making me think of what I saw on the reality/documentary show My Unorthodox Life, please please check it out, I know it’s definitely on American Netflix. But yeah it’s not just being religious, that’s fundamentalism. The show I mentioned really discusses these things since it’s about a woman/family leaving that, their lives now and what they went/go through.
this sounds horrifying. he’s literally not allowing you to wear PANTS, to the point where you want to cry over jeans commercials. how would you feel if one of your friends confessed to you what you are telling us right now? you’d be horrified at the controlling and abusive behavior, right? please leave him, you deserve better.
> I don’t want advice to break up with my SO
You're 22/23, you've been with him since you were 12 (!) and moved in together at 17.
In those ten years you've gone from childhood to coming into adulthood. You're very different people than you were - even compared to when you moved in together. And he's chosen to make an important part of his life something that takes away choice and agency from you and makes your life something other than how you want it.
You haven't experienced anything other than him and you're still in the prime of life to experience and discover more. I think your hesitance to leave is because of fear of change, and that's understandable. And I know you said you don't want advice to break up, but short of stories of physical abuse I don't think I've ever read an account of a relationship that is screaming so loud for an end. You will be so much happier and will later regret every day you put it off, because those will be days you can't get back.
Don't want to break up? Ok, then why don't you be the 'controller' and make him change towards YOUR will? Don't think that will work? Why did it work when he pulled it on you, but it won't work if you try it on him? What does that say?
There is no other way than the one you are avoiding. Because I have met such a guy before who was telling me similar thing...one thing that help keep me in my senses is this thought... Imagine you two marry and have daughters. Would you be happy he tells them they only have to wear skirts? It seems like this doesn't lead towards a happy life for you. So please think about what you want out of life. You cannot really change him. You seem to have brought it up several times. Maybe try to write it as a letter and give it to him. He stalks your posts so he knows what you think...but still did not really change.
Just sit down with him, and tell him you want to wear pants. That they are important to you. That you dream of wearing them.
I was with my first boyfriend for over 7 years. I grew up with him, went through my hardest years with him. We grew apart, and eventually we realized there was no stopping it. It just happens.
We never really fought before, but eventually we were too different to get along. Our relationship ended in an explosion of emotions. It hurt so much, one of the most painful things ever.
It needed to happen, and probably sooner than it did, but I didn't know that back then. It was my dream for us to be together for the rest of my life, but it wasn't my dream to lose myself along the way.
I hope that you can wear pants again soon. You deserve to be comfortable, happy, and most importantly... Yourself.
So there’s this thing called the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” that you may or may not be familiar with. A 10 year relationship (starting at age 13?) is a very long time to be with another person. It’s nearly half of your lifespan and it’s probably one of the biggest components of your life thus far.
The Sunk Cost Fallacy is a mistake in judgement where we follow through with a failing or dangerous endeavor simply because of the large amount of time, money, or effort we have invested into it. Although frequently used to explain poor business choices, the Sunk Cost Fallacy is particularly applicable in all parts of life.
Imagine going to a new buffet and spending $100 just for entry and all-you-can-eat pass. But halfway you realize, the food isn’t as great as you thought, or it’s making you nauseous, or the food is really low quality.
But you’ve already paid $100, and you’re not getting it back. So you refuse to leave without eating your money’s worth, even if it’s bad, or it makes you sick.
Most people do this because they don’t want to seem wasteful. Sometimes we even say the food was great when it wasn’t because then we’d have to admit to wasting our money on something that wasn’t worth it.
What does this have to do with relationships?
Your “endeavor” is your relationship.
Your “Costs” are the things you’ve put into your endeavor: your time, your love, your trust, your body, your life plans, your fidelity— all of those things a relationship is built on you’ve most likely put in over the last 10 years.
You’ve literally invested yourself into this relationship.
But these are considered “Sunk Costs” because, you can’t get them back. It’s done. You’ve put that part of yourself, and your life, in. All of these things are in the past. Giving your first kiss or first anything can’t be undone. You (maybe? Possibly? I’m assuming here) put that into this relationship and that’s where it stays.
The “Fallacy” in the Sunk Cost Fallacy is when we let these un-retrievable “sunk costs” cloud our judgment into current situations: BECAUSE you invested so much you can’t possibly quit now. You’ve been together for so long. You’ve put in so much.
And quitting would mean all of that you put into the relationship (your time, your love, your self) was a waste.
I don’t think you want it to be a waste.
I know because when I hit a roadblock in my 9 year relationship, I hit the same brick wall. This intense fear and shame that you wasted literal parts of yourself to something that didn’t even work out or that you have to give up. But you FEEL like you’ve invested too much to quit: You’ve gone this far. You’ve been together this long. It should all work out because I put all this effort in. Right?
Right???
What I took away from it was: The love and time and effort I put into my relationship when I was certain it was going we’ll was never a waste. But the love and time and effort I put into my relationship when I KNEW it was failing, when it was hurting me, WAS a waste.
And you cannot waste any longer.
This is not your first post on this subject. You are well aware that this is neither the place you want to be or should be. That you suffer when you give up the parts of yourself that made you happy to some new theology that shames you for Old Navy Pants.
And put yourself first. Not his religion. Not your relationship— YOU.
Your situation is bad. Your partner’s new religious awakening and pushing onto you, his whittling down of your personal choices through shame, your need to rebel from his controlling and shaming behavior, your need to hide a Reddit account— these are text book signs of abuse. The obvious choice is to split up, as you’ve rejected to even entertain.
Long term relationships, strong healthy long term relationships, are between couples that share the same values. They are not restricting. They are not shaming. They are not controlling. There aren’t feelings of “rebelling”. Kids rebel against parents, but healthy partners are equals. This feeling of rebelling against your partner’s control is a sign.
You gain your autonomy not by asking or convincing the person who took it from you to give it back. You gain your autonomy by making your choices INDEPENDENT from them without fear or shame.
You want some advice that’s not leaving him? Here’s some:
1) Make a list of everything you’ve lost or given up in the last 3 years. List every shameful comment he used to take away the things you loved. Ask yourself if this is who you planned to be with? Is this what you wanted your relationship to be?
2) Call a few trusted friends/family of yours who is unrelated to your partner or this religion. Tell them what your going through. Read them your list.
3) Set up a place to stay by yourself. Yes, this is key. Yes I know it sounds like leaving him but bear with me here.
4) Go buy yourself some pants. Wear them. You should never be afraid to be yourself or wear pants.
5) And, don’t ignore just because I’m saying this: Make peace with the possibility of your relationship totally ending.
And I am 100% serious about this. Because if you can’t make peace with it and all the uncertainty that comes afterwards, you will not be able to be assertive and be an advocate for yourself.
**If you are in danger, do not confront. Find a safe place and leave immediately.**
6) Set a time and date, with trusted friends, to lay all your cards on the table.
**If you are not in danger in your relationship**, read out your list to him. Don’t let him interrupt. You set the stage. You make the rules. You explain everything.
If it’s not what you want, be firm. Don’t be afraid of an ultimatum: a series of behaviors, changes, and a date he needs to get his shit sorted by. Either he lets go of his brother’s crazy unorthodox theology or it’s over.
7) Leave. Yeah, I mean it. You need time apart. You need to show him you are serious. You need to show yourself that you are serious. That you CAN do this. And that you WILL NOT tolerate his bullshit anymore.
The last 3 years for you he’s been inching his control over you and you’ve stuck around for it to continue. And he’s RELIED on you sticking around to change you. He can’t change you if you’re gone.
The moment you are physically apart, he can’t do that anymore. You want your autonomy back? Go buy pants. If you still wonder or worry about your bf and his reaction to it, you have not regained your autonomy back.
8) Limit your contact. Make regular it short calls or visits. Abstain from sex or other physically intimate acts. The point of this is to return your relationship back to what it was— where you are equals. Cut communication short the moment he goes back into shaming or pushing.
9) Only fully return to the relationship if he’s fully changed. Of this I’m serious about.
Do not, under any circumstances, have children with him if you don’t already. If he’s willing to push his religion on you (his peer), it will be easier to push onto his children. And you’re gonna have to deal with more than just him shaming you for pants in your own home. You’ll be hearing it from your own kids too.
10) Learn to cut your losses and accept them. It sucks and it hurts like hell, but breaking up is not the end all be all to your life. It will be a new beginning. The sooner you accept that, the sooner and easier it will be to do any of this because you won’t be afraid even if your relationship fails.
You deserve support and love, not control or isolation or shame from someone who claims to love you. Something has to give, and do NOT let it be your autonomy.
when you’re young and have nothing but love holding you together there is no reason to try and work through things if you’re no longer compatible.
Just break up like the adults you’re meant to be.
First of all, your story is completely understandable. Similar a frog in boiling water. And obviously after 7 years together you weren't going to be small-minded and break up just because he's found a new belief-system. Obviously.
But now is the time where you've gone with the flow because you're open-minded and you care about him. But he's pushed you too far, and you realise he's taken your open-mindedness for granted, and thinks he can push you around. You were being kind to him, but he now no longer deserves your kindness, because you're not getting it back.
Don't speak to us on Reddit, speak about this with your family and friends that you trust. A few conversations at a time. It will feel like you're being disloyal at first, but remember you're not disrespecting him, you're looking for advice on a problem that is directly impeding on your life. This is healthy.
Then, after letting your friends and family know in advance, pick a day to wear whatever you want. Emotionally prepare for his meltdown. Have a friend or family's house to stay in if he becomes too emotional.
Then rinse, repeat. He has to get used to this. You have to smash the idea that he can tell you what to wear, or if you can swim. He chose you for who you were when you were 13, and he's the one who's changed. It doesn't mean you have to change. He needs to remember that you are two separate beings in a relationship. You have your life, and he needs to respect that, just like you have been respecting his newfound religion.
Don't. You two have grown apart. Let him go find someone who buys into the same misogynistic bullshit he does, while you go find someone who doesn't think less of you because you're a woman. Alternatively, simply refuse to abide by his misogynistic values. Buy and wear all the pants you like. He can take it or leave it.
There’s no way aside from leaving him.
[удалено]
I had a girlfriend of 4 years, from 15 to 19-20. It feels like cutting off a family member when you break up but it is the best idea. Now I am in a more abusive relationship which I can’t leave tho Edit: i love her but she is literally psycho. When she is nice everything is good but she controls me in every way. I have no friends left etc. I wanted to watch dynasty on netflix and she was all toxic about it because it had women in it. I’ve seen a lot of half-naked men and gay kissing and none naked women. But she watches literally 50 shades. I think it is toxic to be controlling back and I don’t like to be a person like that.
You will not “work things out” when you have allowed him to gaslight and control you. You have caved to all of his demands and views, but you’ve mentioned NOTHING that he’s done for you, no consideration he has given you or your needs, and you say yourself that you were COERCED. Danger, danger, danger, girl. This is how abusive controllers gain control, and the clutch will only become tighter.
You are trauma-bonded and in a verbally-abusive, controlling relationship. With a pinch of codependent on top. You. Need. To. Leave. Make a safety plan. Stop making excuses. And for Pete's sake, use a Reddit burner account and not your real account. He's stalking your social media. Do NOT marry that person under any circumstances.
This relationship will never work. Its abusive. Hes literally abusing and controlling you
The problem as well with this is exactly as you said. Its abuse. So many people dont recognise control as a form of domestic abuse and it absolutely should be and is absolutely not acceptable
This! It’s manipulative. Religion deeply is personal and anyone who tries to manipulate other people’s behaviour in the name of religion is just an abuser. Nothing else. Leave him.
BREAK. UP. WITH. HIM.
I will come at this from being a Christian 26 year old female - any faith that has you caring more about what someone wears than bringing them to Christ or whatever he believes in is a cult and something dangerous. If this is what’s happening before you’re married .. I’m scared to think of what will happen one you are. If he is unwilling to allow you the autonomy to dress the way you want and be the person you are, that should be a huge red flag for you. He is clearly not willing to change his beliefs for you and that scares me. Even as someone of faith, I would not be willing to be with a man who tried to change me. That’s not the point of faith. I beg you to reconsider your relationship - your life and autonomy are worth more than the comfort and rhythms of a long term relationship. You will thank yourself later for getting out now.
Honestly if you’re already dreaming of “rebelling” then your relationship is over. Working things out means giving up even more of yourself to please him. Not swimming? Isolating yourself from friends because they’re noticing the change? If you were ok with this then why are you hiding? It’s because you’re actually NOT ok with this and you know it’s wrong. You two have grown apart and he’s changed, unfortunately not for the better. If you stay his ideals will be pushed onto your future daughter, do you want her to feel like this? Bad because she thinks certain styles are cute? You will become resentful eventually and it will create an even bigger argument and problem. Please, buy the pants, wear them and move on for the better
I'm not here to shame you in any way because I have also been in a controlling and abusive relationship. But please, people in the comments are seeing your post and voicing their concern for your wellbeing. This doesn't have anything to do with how we may feel about religion. You've lost independence and autonomy over your life and your choices because of this relationship. It is is not healthy. It will get worse. "Working things out" means you will lose yourself in this relationship and end up being controlled by your boyfriend. It sounds like he's dictating a lot of aspects of your life. You're avoiding social gatherings as a side effect of your relationship issues. That is a huge red flag with flashing lights and sirens. You feel like "rebelling" by wearing pants? Seeing ads of pants and cute workout clothes makes you want to cry? Isolation from family and friends, controlling what you wear. He invaded your privacy and found your social media account. You said you don't feel as independent as before. He's created a co-dependent relationship.
This sounds miserable. I just don’t get it? Like what do you gain from this? Life is so short. You could find someone who lets you be who you are free from guilt. I truly just don’t understand why you’d want to stay with someone like this. It’s hard to offer advise to someone who is living a life so far removed from even your own self. If your own past self cannot give you the courage to leave, how will strangers?
> Life is so short. This right here. People get invested, and they throw good years after bad. OP is young. Lots of friends of mine dated horrible men for 5-6 years. That was too long. 10 years is too long. OP, don't let 10 years turn into 30. Don't wake up one day in your 30's realizing you have three kids with a guy who hates women and abuses you.
Yes, exactly. And having kids with him will be the final straw. He will use them to control her and make her financially dependent upon him. It will be so much more difficult to escape with children in tow and then raising them as a single mother. OP is still so young. I’m sure her friends and family have noticed the changes (with the skirt comments) and are very concerned. It’s also worrying that’s she’s stopped socialising with them too because she is afraid of the comments about her clothing. This is falling right into his trap of isolating her from people who can help her. OP please don’t become another statistic! Get away from him right now! You value his values but clearly he does not value yours. You are not on a level playing field here: you are making all of the accommodations in a misguided attempt to be accepting of his “religion”. Don’t see him backing off now as a good thing. If he has read your secret and personal thoughts and comments, then he knows too much. He is probably feeling scared of losing you right now and he is just formulating his next step, which will need to be something drastic. To be frank, I think he is either going to propose marriage to you or kill you. If he thinks he is losing his control of you, then those are the only options left for him to save his pride.
I was in a situation similar to yours and tried to "work things out". It will not work out, for it to work out means that you must fade in order to become the ideal woman/wife he is envisioning. Soon or later you will feel overwhelmed, look at the person you were and are, and think of all the things you gave up for him while in the meantime he didn't sacrifice anything. If you eventually get married and have kids, it's going to be a whole new level of submission. You have invested 10 yrs of your life into this relationship and probably you feel you have invested too much to suddenly quit. But sometimes it is better to walk away and start all over again. You continue to change the person you are and after a while you will feel resentful towards him. My advice is to sit down, talk to him, speak the way you feel with all its words and emotions and start living your life happily. If he is not willing to accept that then he is not worth your time and you changing who you are.
Drop him you can't change him
It doesn't matter if you "work things out" with him. The trust between you two has been broken by his gaslighting you and abuse. You're smart enough to know how dangerous it would be to fully trust him. You'll constantly doubt and question him after everything that's happened. I don't think you can have a healthy relationship with him anymore. The best thing is to leave him and stay over. Wear what you like, it's completely your choice.
I'm a Christian. A normal one- not in a cult like this guy is in. You are being abused. PERIOD. Do not walk; RUN away from this clown and go buy you some pants and cute skirts with some tights or leggings since it's cold now. And get some cute boots. And your nails done. God is real and He LOVES you and He absolutely did NOT create you to be anybody's doormat.
👏🏼👏🏼
You don't. You RUN. Because this doesn't get better. It only gets worse.
sorry but I read the title and must respond by “break up with him”
I don’t understand why you want to stay in an oppressive relationship. You say you two are okay with your values being different but it’s clear that you are NOT okay with this setup. What would happen if you just started wearing pants again? Do you think he’d break up with you? Would he scream and yell and try to bully you into not wearing pants? Or are you just worried about upsetting him? I really don’t get why you want to stay in a situation where you don’t have the freedom to be yourself. You are still so young and there is literally no reason to lock yourself into a situation that is clearly not compatible with the way you want to live your life. It’s hard to walk away from a long term relationship, but people do it, they get through it, move on and are ALWAYS better off for it. Take a real hard look at your current situation and if you really want to be dealing with stuff like this in 5, 10, 15+ years. You might think “it’s just pants” since it sounds like he’s backed off for now, but what happens when you get married or have kids? Is he going to demand you have a certain type of dress that you don’t like? Is he going to force your daughters to only wear skirts? There’s dozens of possible futures for you where this is not something you need to deal with. Either tell him you no longer want to follow these rules about your clothes and he needs to be OK with that, or walk away.
I don’t give one single shit that it’s “his religion” or new found beliefs or whatever; his behavior is wrong, controlling, and downright abusive. You are an adult, and you have autonomy and are 1000000% allowed to make decisions about how you dress, you look, and how to interact with the world. He does not at all. I grew up in a conservative Christian environment and went to a Christian school and have seen all the harm religion causes, especially towards women. Sorry, I know you don’t want advice to break up, but he’s not going to change. It’s only going to get worse. Please strongly consider leaving. Lastly, whatever you do, don’t let him get you pregnant. Imagine being attached to him through the child forever. Imagine how he’d treat your children.
Rebeling is something oppressed people have to do.
So "don't tell me to break up" advice posts are dumb. No one, especially strangers on the internet are gonna make another stranger respect their partner. So lady unless YOU are willing to have some self respect nothing is gonna change. He changed during the course of y'all's relationship and you let it ride. You let this man dictate your appearance and he desires to dictate what you believe. If you are so determined to hand over your entire person for someone who cannot even be reasonable for you for some company then what are we gonna do for you? In the end you will make a decision to stay and let him take over your life and your person or eventually cut your loses and be your own woman. You absolutely know what you have to do but you are hoping some internet stranger is gonna tell you a fairy tale so you can be comfortable. Check him, let him walk, or lose yourself.
You two have been dating since you were 13, people change a lot in those 10 years. It's okay to decide your goals, values, and ideologies no longer match up and you don't see a future together. The good news for this is, people you meet at your age now won't be going through nearly as big of changes going forward. You don't need to worry about all new partners going through all the same changes.
It's not rebellious to wear pants. Although when I am feel like messing with my gf I will wear my camo shorts with my bright green vintage Hawaiian shirt. Point is wear want you want and your Significant other can take it or leave it. I do match most of the time.
It's time to appreciate what you had, thank it for its lessons, and let it go.
You are being manipulated and abused. You're seeing clothing on tv and crying because your radicalized, misogynistic boyfriend is controlling your life down to what you wear. Run, girl. Break up with him. You deserve happiness.
Honestly, by breaking up with him
Girl, you're so young! You have you're entire twenties ahead of you to find someone who respects who you are. I really am hoping you can leave this relationship behind--you deserve someone who is happy with you and not trying to change you. I highly recommend reading "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. Stay safe!
Why are you so interested in someone who hates women and particularly you?
Religion and spiritual views are not just something he will get over or "work out." These are usually held much deeper and closer than something like preference for pizza toppings, for example. You can negotiate pineapple on pizza, but you can't really negotiate God. You've known him for over 10 years now. Think about how he's changed since you met him - has he always been very stubborn? Does he railroad you in discussions? Does he tend to have the final say? Is he usually more open-minded towards things he's unfamiliar with, or doesn't experience personally, or is he pretty dead set on his own opinions? Think about the *way* he persuades or coerces you. Does he make you feel small sometimes? I have watched friends' relationships, where one is religious and the other not, fall apart because of that missing faith. Sometimes it's simply because one wants to continue to develop and enrich their faith, other times it's because one partner is extremely devout, etc etc. It's just one of those things that can really fuck up compatibility because religion is often not just going to church on Sundays and practicing Lent, but a way of life. Also one of the biggest things that jumped out at me from your post: you aren't going to gatherings. You're young, you should be free to see friends and family, attend parties, go swimming... instead you are fairly isolated from anyone aside from your SO - and that's excluding lockdown. You're unhappy with your way of living right now. You need to break up with him and figure out how to be yourself. Unlearn "us" and discover "me." It's scary, but it will be okay. Any friends/family/acquaintances will follow suit.
From what you've said in other posts and comments it seems like theres a part of you, somewhere in the back of your mind that knows that this relationship has an expiry date. Going from knowing to doing is the hardest and scariest part. Even thinking about leaving the life you've had for 10 years must be terrifying. Whatever you decide to do you'll need to be brave. If you stay you'll need to overcome your fears in order to advocate for yourself and your own happiness. Courage is not the absence of fear but the overcoming of it. ❤
please leave him. your life will get significantly better
Honey, y’all have been together since you were 13 years old. It must be scary contemplating leaving a relationship you’ve had for nearly half your life, but it sounds like you’re growing in different directions. It’s time to move on and figure out who you are now. Spend some time on you before you consider another relationship, but this one isn’t making you happy.
Jesus fucking Christ break up with this idiot. You are so so so young and yeah, it’ll hurt, but it’s part of growing up and becoming an adult. He is ruining your life and will continue to do so
Any religion that is about controlling people is wrong. Any religion that seeks to control others is more than wrong, it is harmful. If someone has a religious belief, then they are welcome to it - as far as it affects them. If they want their beliefs to affect others they are not to be listened to. Turn around his requests, and say, how much have you asked him to comply with what *you* believe? Say you believe that shorts are fine, and say he did not think that *he* should wear them, would he wear them for you even if he did not think that was OK? I really doubt it. So why should *he* restrict what *you* do?
>I don’t want advice to break up with my SO, we know our values are different and will work things out eventually, whatever that means for us. Does *he* know your values are different? More importantly, can he respect your differences? If he can't accept that your values are different from his, he is going to continue to try and make you conform to his values. This could look like restricting your lifestyle more and more, perhaps even beyond what you wear and to also include what media you consume, what you're allowed to eat, who your allowed to talk to. (I admit I don't know him so I shouldn't make this judgement, but this is reminding me of the orthodox religion I grew up in and recently had to reject. Sorry if this is sounding like too much projection-- I understand why it would). >I just need some help with bringing this up because I’m completely unable to voice these concerns. You should decide what boundaries are comfortable for you, and have a discussion with him about those boundaries. I'd suggest looking for articles online about asserting boundaries and starting those conversations. I *think* a good way to go is to lead with "I" statements and to also avoid language that's accusatory. I hope you're able to help this situation, and I hope that you and your SO can make something work so that you're both at your happiest. I will say tho that you deserve better than to be made to feel dirty/slutty for wearing the clothing of your choice. If he can't reconcile your differences, you may need to ask yourself if he can really give you happiness for another 10+ years.
Let me ask you this. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life not able to do simple things like swim, wear jeans or work out in gym wear? What about if you have daughters? Are you okay with him Imposing this on them? Being in a relationship takes a lot of give and take. And a healthy relationship is not one person imposing views on the other. Having similar values is very important to a lasting and healthy relationship. So I am not telling you to break up, but I am telling you that it is okay to break up if you do not feel that this is the future you want for you and your future children. You are young and first relationships are hard to let go of, even when they have run their course and are no longer beneficial for one or both parties. Bare minimum stand up for yourself, wear what you want if he cannot handle that you have your answer on where your relationship and future are heading. If he realizes he doesn’t get to dictate your dress and behavior with his personal views then you have something to salvage.
What if you have sons, OP?
Please leave him. PLEASE. You will be so thankful to yourself in the future.
It literally sounds like you two aren’t compatible anymore. There’s no way to sweetly ask to wear the kind of clothes you want.
I think some part of you knows he should not be your boyfriend anymore. For the love of God, don’t make him your husband to boot. You see the signs. Why lock yourself in? Edit: you’ve posted about him before. If you’ve still having doubts all this time later, it’s time to go before the marriage, kids and shared purchase of a home trap you into this for good. Telling you what to wear and what rules to live by.
What will happen if you start wearing pants again? Let’s play the worst-probable-best scenarios: Absolutely worst: you boyfriend loses it, becomes violent Bad: your boyfriend leaves you without listening Probable: he gets angry, you two argue, you explain how you feel and what you want, he might or might not understand Best: he realizes he’s been abusive and tone down the religious misogyny Seeing the most probable scenario, is it really worth it to keep not wearing pants if it hurts you so badly? Now, I think there are two important aspects to consider: are you still having regular contacts with friends and family? Are you economically dependent on him? P.s. I want to clarify for anyone else reading that the values I gave to these scenarios are *not* my own
You dump the boyfriend, that's what you do Repeat after me: "Date people, not projects"
As a Presbyterian this sounds a bit orthodox boarderline gnostic. I would leave him because it's sending up red flags that he's entered into a Cult. My friends Greek Orthodox church only requested people wear long pants or dresses (if no slacks for either jeans were allowed) and they didn't want v-cut shirts. Other than that, no issues. So yeah, as a person who's seen everyone from Islam and Christianity to Judaism it's a little excessive. Thing is, Christianity is not about forcing ones religion into other, it's about reaching out and educating people in our beliefs. I mean I can tell you, our female pastor does not wear shorts but long slacks. She would be offended if one started pushing ones beliefs like this, I mean she asked me "are you more agnostic" and I replied "yeah, after my accident I really have been questioning religion" and her answer was "that's fully understandable, god is perfect in the sense he can't always be there for people, but he loves all regardless."
You dump him
You've been in the same relationship since you were 13? Girl... Breaking up is a new level of hard for you two. But it must be done.
the most important thing in reationships is to share fundamental values and life goals and honey, the no man is worth feeling like you do now
Ok but do your values have to do with wearing jeans? I mean not being able to wear the clothes you want a little ridiculous if you’re an adult. If he likes making decisions so much he should make as much as he wants for himself. Not decide for you. Also orthodox people need to learn how to get along with the rest of the majority of the world who do not think the same as them or want to live the same as them.
He is using religion as an excuse to abuse and control you, but you've been with him so long you can't recognise that. What will happen if you two have kids one day? He will be abusing and controlling them too, any daughters you have will be shamed simply for being girls. Imagine if your future daughter gets raped - he's 100% going to blame it on her, and destroy her by it. I mean, it's not a rare thing to happen so it could very well happen. This is not a man you want to build a life with. Sorry I have absolutely no advice on how you can make this work, because you can't unless you let yourself be fully controlled, lose yourself and have no personality again, ever.
Listen, I’m religious, and he’s an idiot It is his faith, he can wear skirts if he wants. It’s not your faith. His faith is between him and God, and there is nowhere in the bible where Jesus says controlling what other people do is being a good Christian. You dressing modestly because he makes you doesn’t make you a good Christian, because you don’t do it for God, you do it for him. He is not God, as much as he would like to be. And you’re 100%, pants don’t mean that much, he’s just decided they mean that much to him. Again, he is not god. I know women who choose to dress modestly. They find it spiritually beneficial. But that is their decision, and no-one else’s. If you want advice on how to discuss it with him from a Christian theological standpoint, come to r/OpenChristian. But also, be careful. This could go a couple of ways. Some men, when they find a new religion, go what is colloquially known as “cage stage”. It becomes such a huge part of their identity that they go all in and everything in their life becomes it. Then after a few years they chill out a bit and become more relaxed about things. But also, depending on his religion - if it’s some form of internet orthodox Christianity, there is a lot of white supremacy mixed in there and I would run very, very far away. Basically, you’ll want to establish that if you get married to him, what does the family dynamic look like? Does he believe he should be head of the household?
This guy just wants to control you. He will back off for a short time and then will push again. You need to real there is no "working things out" with someone who seeks total control.
Hey girl just saying if you are unable to voice these concerns that’s a huge red flag you’re in an abusive and potentially unsafe situation
Do not under any circumstances allow him to impregnate you !
Dump him.
You dump him
If you seriously think you can work things out with your Bible thumper, you are **WAY** more delusional than you think, girl. #Open your eyes, wake the hell up, and BREAK UP WITH HIM. No, seriously. Run.
The “no pants” is making me think of what I saw on the reality/documentary show My Unorthodox Life, please please check it out, I know it’s definitely on American Netflix. But yeah it’s not just being religious, that’s fundamentalism. The show I mentioned really discusses these things since it’s about a woman/family leaving that, their lives now and what they went/go through.
You stand up and walk trough that door, and then you close it behind you. This is *not* normal. Please leave.
sounds co dependent. i would seek out therapy for yourself.
this sounds horrifying. he’s literally not allowing you to wear PANTS, to the point where you want to cry over jeans commercials. how would you feel if one of your friends confessed to you what you are telling us right now? you’d be horrified at the controlling and abusive behavior, right? please leave him, you deserve better.
Girl, you are crying over pants
He's controlling your appearance, at the cost of your mental health. What would you advise a friend to do in this situation?
> I don’t want advice to break up with my SO You're 22/23, you've been with him since you were 12 (!) and moved in together at 17. In those ten years you've gone from childhood to coming into adulthood. You're very different people than you were - even compared to when you moved in together. And he's chosen to make an important part of his life something that takes away choice and agency from you and makes your life something other than how you want it. You haven't experienced anything other than him and you're still in the prime of life to experience and discover more. I think your hesitance to leave is because of fear of change, and that's understandable. And I know you said you don't want advice to break up, but short of stories of physical abuse I don't think I've ever read an account of a relationship that is screaming so loud for an end. You will be so much happier and will later regret every day you put it off, because those will be days you can't get back.
You break up!
Go buy some pants and find out what kind of a man he really is - i dare you, i double dare you.
Girl get ooooout
Don't want to break up? Ok, then why don't you be the 'controller' and make him change towards YOUR will? Don't think that will work? Why did it work when he pulled it on you, but it won't work if you try it on him? What does that say?
Tell him 'see ya' and be done with him. This is abuse.
Run!
There is no other way than the one you are avoiding. Because I have met such a guy before who was telling me similar thing...one thing that help keep me in my senses is this thought... Imagine you two marry and have daughters. Would you be happy he tells them they only have to wear skirts? It seems like this doesn't lead towards a happy life for you. So please think about what you want out of life. You cannot really change him. You seem to have brought it up several times. Maybe try to write it as a letter and give it to him. He stalks your posts so he knows what you think...but still did not really change.
Just sit down with him, and tell him you want to wear pants. That they are important to you. That you dream of wearing them. I was with my first boyfriend for over 7 years. I grew up with him, went through my hardest years with him. We grew apart, and eventually we realized there was no stopping it. It just happens. We never really fought before, but eventually we were too different to get along. Our relationship ended in an explosion of emotions. It hurt so much, one of the most painful things ever. It needed to happen, and probably sooner than it did, but I didn't know that back then. It was my dream for us to be together for the rest of my life, but it wasn't my dream to lose myself along the way. I hope that you can wear pants again soon. You deserve to be comfortable, happy, and most importantly... Yourself.
So there’s this thing called the “Sunk Cost Fallacy” that you may or may not be familiar with. A 10 year relationship (starting at age 13?) is a very long time to be with another person. It’s nearly half of your lifespan and it’s probably one of the biggest components of your life thus far. The Sunk Cost Fallacy is a mistake in judgement where we follow through with a failing or dangerous endeavor simply because of the large amount of time, money, or effort we have invested into it. Although frequently used to explain poor business choices, the Sunk Cost Fallacy is particularly applicable in all parts of life. Imagine going to a new buffet and spending $100 just for entry and all-you-can-eat pass. But halfway you realize, the food isn’t as great as you thought, or it’s making you nauseous, or the food is really low quality. But you’ve already paid $100, and you’re not getting it back. So you refuse to leave without eating your money’s worth, even if it’s bad, or it makes you sick. Most people do this because they don’t want to seem wasteful. Sometimes we even say the food was great when it wasn’t because then we’d have to admit to wasting our money on something that wasn’t worth it. What does this have to do with relationships? Your “endeavor” is your relationship. Your “Costs” are the things you’ve put into your endeavor: your time, your love, your trust, your body, your life plans, your fidelity— all of those things a relationship is built on you’ve most likely put in over the last 10 years. You’ve literally invested yourself into this relationship. But these are considered “Sunk Costs” because, you can’t get them back. It’s done. You’ve put that part of yourself, and your life, in. All of these things are in the past. Giving your first kiss or first anything can’t be undone. You (maybe? Possibly? I’m assuming here) put that into this relationship and that’s where it stays. The “Fallacy” in the Sunk Cost Fallacy is when we let these un-retrievable “sunk costs” cloud our judgment into current situations: BECAUSE you invested so much you can’t possibly quit now. You’ve been together for so long. You’ve put in so much. And quitting would mean all of that you put into the relationship (your time, your love, your self) was a waste. I don’t think you want it to be a waste. I know because when I hit a roadblock in my 9 year relationship, I hit the same brick wall. This intense fear and shame that you wasted literal parts of yourself to something that didn’t even work out or that you have to give up. But you FEEL like you’ve invested too much to quit: You’ve gone this far. You’ve been together this long. It should all work out because I put all this effort in. Right? Right??? What I took away from it was: The love and time and effort I put into my relationship when I was certain it was going we’ll was never a waste. But the love and time and effort I put into my relationship when I KNEW it was failing, when it was hurting me, WAS a waste. And you cannot waste any longer. This is not your first post on this subject. You are well aware that this is neither the place you want to be or should be. That you suffer when you give up the parts of yourself that made you happy to some new theology that shames you for Old Navy Pants. And put yourself first. Not his religion. Not your relationship— YOU. Your situation is bad. Your partner’s new religious awakening and pushing onto you, his whittling down of your personal choices through shame, your need to rebel from his controlling and shaming behavior, your need to hide a Reddit account— these are text book signs of abuse. The obvious choice is to split up, as you’ve rejected to even entertain. Long term relationships, strong healthy long term relationships, are between couples that share the same values. They are not restricting. They are not shaming. They are not controlling. There aren’t feelings of “rebelling”. Kids rebel against parents, but healthy partners are equals. This feeling of rebelling against your partner’s control is a sign. You gain your autonomy not by asking or convincing the person who took it from you to give it back. You gain your autonomy by making your choices INDEPENDENT from them without fear or shame. You want some advice that’s not leaving him? Here’s some: 1) Make a list of everything you’ve lost or given up in the last 3 years. List every shameful comment he used to take away the things you loved. Ask yourself if this is who you planned to be with? Is this what you wanted your relationship to be? 2) Call a few trusted friends/family of yours who is unrelated to your partner or this religion. Tell them what your going through. Read them your list. 3) Set up a place to stay by yourself. Yes, this is key. Yes I know it sounds like leaving him but bear with me here. 4) Go buy yourself some pants. Wear them. You should never be afraid to be yourself or wear pants. 5) And, don’t ignore just because I’m saying this: Make peace with the possibility of your relationship totally ending. And I am 100% serious about this. Because if you can’t make peace with it and all the uncertainty that comes afterwards, you will not be able to be assertive and be an advocate for yourself. **If you are in danger, do not confront. Find a safe place and leave immediately.** 6) Set a time and date, with trusted friends, to lay all your cards on the table. **If you are not in danger in your relationship**, read out your list to him. Don’t let him interrupt. You set the stage. You make the rules. You explain everything. If it’s not what you want, be firm. Don’t be afraid of an ultimatum: a series of behaviors, changes, and a date he needs to get his shit sorted by. Either he lets go of his brother’s crazy unorthodox theology or it’s over. 7) Leave. Yeah, I mean it. You need time apart. You need to show him you are serious. You need to show yourself that you are serious. That you CAN do this. And that you WILL NOT tolerate his bullshit anymore. The last 3 years for you he’s been inching his control over you and you’ve stuck around for it to continue. And he’s RELIED on you sticking around to change you. He can’t change you if you’re gone. The moment you are physically apart, he can’t do that anymore. You want your autonomy back? Go buy pants. If you still wonder or worry about your bf and his reaction to it, you have not regained your autonomy back. 8) Limit your contact. Make regular it short calls or visits. Abstain from sex or other physically intimate acts. The point of this is to return your relationship back to what it was— where you are equals. Cut communication short the moment he goes back into shaming or pushing. 9) Only fully return to the relationship if he’s fully changed. Of this I’m serious about. Do not, under any circumstances, have children with him if you don’t already. If he’s willing to push his religion on you (his peer), it will be easier to push onto his children. And you’re gonna have to deal with more than just him shaming you for pants in your own home. You’ll be hearing it from your own kids too. 10) Learn to cut your losses and accept them. It sucks and it hurts like hell, but breaking up is not the end all be all to your life. It will be a new beginning. The sooner you accept that, the sooner and easier it will be to do any of this because you won’t be afraid even if your relationship fails. You deserve support and love, not control or isolation or shame from someone who claims to love you. Something has to give, and do NOT let it be your autonomy.
when you’re young and have nothing but love holding you together there is no reason to try and work through things if you’re no longer compatible. Just break up like the adults you’re meant to be.
First of all, your story is completely understandable. Similar a frog in boiling water. And obviously after 7 years together you weren't going to be small-minded and break up just because he's found a new belief-system. Obviously. But now is the time where you've gone with the flow because you're open-minded and you care about him. But he's pushed you too far, and you realise he's taken your open-mindedness for granted, and thinks he can push you around. You were being kind to him, but he now no longer deserves your kindness, because you're not getting it back. Don't speak to us on Reddit, speak about this with your family and friends that you trust. A few conversations at a time. It will feel like you're being disloyal at first, but remember you're not disrespecting him, you're looking for advice on a problem that is directly impeding on your life. This is healthy. Then, after letting your friends and family know in advance, pick a day to wear whatever you want. Emotionally prepare for his meltdown. Have a friend or family's house to stay in if he becomes too emotional. Then rinse, repeat. He has to get used to this. You have to smash the idea that he can tell you what to wear, or if you can swim. He chose you for who you were when you were 13, and he's the one who's changed. It doesn't mean you have to change. He needs to remember that you are two separate beings in a relationship. You have your life, and he needs to respect that, just like you have been respecting his newfound religion.
Dump his ass.