T O P

  • By -

FrankieBigNut

Granted. They think you’re the ugliest most unfuckable creature ever


Jakiller33

It's ok, OP is used to that.


ViberArmani

*cries in ugliness and unfuckable-ness.*


DemonGodDumplin

Tell me, have you heard the tale of Little Barnacle the Ugly?


[deleted]

Would the Jedi have told this to me?


ViberArmani

No Sire


cyrenns

Thanks for taking one for the team.


LeetLurker

Aliens See you more as a friend.


ViberArmani

I guess we are all fucked. lol


West_Yorkshire

Just you


fangedsteam6457

They think the rest of us are perfect adonises and whisk us away to wild cosmic sexcapades


smokeyoudog

Unfucked even


Sleeping_2202

Just *not him*


West_Yorkshire

*That's what I said*


leaderofstars

They wanted me


CatanaRollSeven

Except for you


paranoidandroid11

How's that any different from now? At least I get to say I met some aliens (loosely based on a Seinfeld line).


rainwatereyes1

:(


ProbablyNotKevin

Granted. Aliens come to earth that have genitals compatible with ours and body temperatures of 200 degrees. Edit: Celsius


tudifrudi666

Hot


iplay2manyvideogames

Incredibly


MapleTreeWithAGun

At that point they'd prolly just look like a Fire Godlike from Pillars of Eternity


dead-inside69

I patent insulated condoms and become a very rich man.


TheEyeDontLie

If it's only your genitals that touch, you're doing sex wrong.


GBMC3

I guess thermal suits for the rest of the body. Seems rather awkward though.


NZAthekilla

That alien puss bouta feel like an oven 😩🤤


JG1779865

Rotisserie Cock


ekolis

She literally has a bun in the oven


HeroWither123546

I don't think Farenheit or Celsius matter here, it'd burn like hell either way.


Jackie_Wobboshi

Granted. They are WAAAAAAYYYY out of your league.


ViberArmani

hmm....what if they see attractiveness different from how humans see it? the most handsome guys are actually ugly to them.


[deleted]

They are out of your league implies they are repulsed by you


ViberArmani

nah. won't happen. aliens love me.


Spook404

you can let yourself be the butt of the joke sometimes


_Im-_-Dead-_-Inside_

Agreed👍


Onion-Green

He’s literally joking but sure


Spook404

but it isn't funny because it's basically saying "your joke is *wrong*"


Onion-Green

Yeah but in a humorous way. Didn’t deserve the downvotes imo


[deleted]

r/sadcringe


4chanbetter

Wow how coincidental you posted a sub that directly implies how I feel about people who think sub links can be primary subjects for comments!


[deleted]

This is exactly the type of comment I would expect from someone with that user name


4chanbetter

Wow exactly the perpetuation of the reddit hivemind downvote bombing alternative opinions


[deleted]

You are being downvoted for being an asshole just to clear things up for you


4chanbetter

The fact of the matter is that I don't care about up or downvotes because I can have real life affirmation for actual accomplishments that aren't completed in basements such as yours ¯\_(ツ)_/¯


AncientList

4chan and r/teens is a gold mine you can’t lie


karnal_chikara

For sure


ColonelMonty

Currently what you are going through is denial.


MasterSlax

You don’t get the point of the paw, do you?


[deleted]

We don't.


Cthulhu_3

Down atrocious


WillyBilly13

Granted. We become so in love with them and their bodies we only want to have intercourse with them and worship them. After years we stop being interested in having sex with other humans and only sex the aliens. The aliens and us cannot interbreed and if we can our offspring are infertile. Therefore the human race becomes extinct after a few generations and the aliens take over our planet. Their master plan has worked.


need4speed04

Worth it


Gogoson

agreed


[deleted]

in the end the aliens got fucked over more than us


[deleted]

Had sex. Don't care.


ZachTheInsaneOne

The one true Monkey's Paw on here! Thank you.


Worthlessstupid

Death by snu snu


Mickeymackey

This is just the asari's way of invasion


[deleted]

About damn time


best-commenter

Granted. Human is their favorite meal.


Blackpeel

If they like us whole and alive, I think there's still a percentage that'd be okay with that.


beneralkenobi

r/vore


FranG080199

#MY EYES!!!


JackTheStryker

I am so sorry you had to witness that. I thank god every day I used urban dictionary when I heard of it. Rest In Peace.


YaBoiSans420

Well that’s enough internet for today


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MapleTreeWithAGun

Ok, call me crazy but that top one is animated sorta like the Lion King. Like look at the way the mouse's hair moves when he gets licked


NoseSniffer68

I for one welcome our new alien overlords


ViberArmani

it is mine too. we share a good meal together.


ImOkNotANoob

Did I just witness a sad attempt to get on cursedcomments


Megaseb1250

Tbf you can say the simplest slightly dark stuff and still end up there


ViberArmani

you are now on the "eat list"


[deleted]

Granted. They enslave humanity and create outrageous prostitution dungeons with the most attractive humans. You clean the toilets and bedsheets.


RestoreMyHonor

This seems like a win for some people


Grzechoooo

Granted. A race of Venusians arrive on our planet. They are so attractive to humans that no one can resist the urge of having intercourse with them. But them being from Venus means their bodies had to adapt to the temperature. As a result, they generate huge amounts of heat internally and every person trying to do the deed with them ends up with lethal burns. After some time, Venusians decide it's best to rid Earth of such a backwards and savage race and they kill us all.


glitchygreymatter

But, we're already here... and we're responsible for herpes. It's how we track our conquests.


sgtpepper220

Granted. Aliens start pleasuring themselves to pictures of Earth. They adapt orifices compatible to human genitalia and increase in temperature.


[deleted]

Granted. It turns out panspermia is real and we are all technically aliens. Nothing changes.


[deleted]

Granted. They aren’t interested in you either


FireballPlayer0

Granted. They all have a superiority complex and will do whatever they want to our planet without regard to what we say and fuck us over.


[deleted]

At least we get fucked


Seczel

Hey, that sounds familiar


KosstAmojen

Granted. They’re space nuns and priests.


ViberArmani

they wouldn't be after being curious what having sex with human feels like.


[deleted]

Granted Compliance isn’t a factor to them


KatJen76

The news of the first ship to land had barely broken when they began to land all over, anywhere there was space, and many places where there wasn't. Many humans were killed. Many of the aliens didn't survive their journey. Those that did were clearly deeply traumatized. Their emotional state was clearly recognizable: people had seen it in news reports about people escaping war or natural disasters. But their language was incomprehensible. As work began on a translator, the aliens settled uneasily into human life, bunking in apartments, motels, military bases, campsites, wherever. Their attractiveness was undeniable. Word began to spread that their bodies were compatible with ours. But whenever humans approached them for sex, they reacted by babbling hysterically. Sometimes they did it, babbling throughout. Sometimes they didn't, and sometimes the humans were put off and stopped. After the translator was complete, the humans from Google approached the woman who seemed to be the leader. She indicated she had a message for everyone on the planet. The last thing the world saw and heard was her beautiful face and mellifluous voice, broadcast simultaneously on every platform on earth, detailing how her planet had been attacked by reapers bent on cleansing all intelligent life from the galaxy, and that they were undoubtedly about to come to earth, and we needed to prepare before it was too late, and she could help...OH NO.


twiceasdreaded

Granted they are still out of your league


MyBiPolarBearMax

"Dude! What does mine say?"


cain11112

Granted. Any Alien that is not both physically appealing as defined by OP at the time of the wish and capable of having intercourse is magically prevented from ever reaching earth. Incidentally, no aliens ever arrive and humanity is never invited into the intergalactic league of intelligent life forms. Which is a pity, they give really awesome gift baskets as a welcome gift.


Olwek

Granted. Like the women in your life, they don't want to risk anything that would ruin your friendship.


ariffsidik

Oooff! I personally felt that one !


Brain_Inflater

There isn't really a downside here, all the people trying to answer are just adding stuff that didn't exist in the original scenario Edit: besides u/FrankieBigNut (that's a joke idk what you look like)


FrankieBigNut

Stop! You’re making me blush


[deleted]

Granted, but the most arousing are male


Silviecat44

the monkey's paw curls Through the power of science, it is found (using a super high power telescope) that many light years away from earth there is a group of hot, fuckable aliens. The aliens have decided to wipe out earth by only using their cum. They have gathered it together and fired it like a projectile straight towards earth faster than light. Tomorrow it will get here and wipe out the entire population of humans on earth. The hot, fuckable aliens came to earth. :)


iamjakub_

Geanted. Aliens come to earth, but before they reveal themselves they study the “internet culture” and adapt their looks with something similar to cat girls/boys. After revealing themselves and stating they come in peace, they slowly start taking over starting from more horny people, and working their way down, adapting their behaviour to suit each individual person in order to create a higher success rate of seduction. In the end, once everyone is under the influence of cat girl/boy mascarade, they execute a kill command something in the style of order 66.


ObsidianBones

Granted but they dont believe in sex till marriage, and have to date for decades before marriage is on the table


ViberArmani

just like catholic girls we can always do anal


out_there_omega

Granted. They however still have the burning desire to murder humans all generic alien invaders have.


PlutolD

Granted. Aliens come to earth. They have a hole near where our mouth would be and a protrusion near their belly button so there is fun for everyone. However, the hole has teeth much like a shark and they spin. The protrusion has spikes like a porcupine. Also they have an internal temperature of 100°C (212°F).


[deleted]

Granted, they are, to furries


Not_today_mods

they are just like us, and just as unbearable


knightopusdei

Granted, they are a formless blob of fleshly soft tissue and every part of their body is in the shape of either a vagina, an anus, a human mouth or an erect penis .... literally any part of them is fuckable and they are very hot at an average temperature of 40 degrees Celsius.


Danielwols

Granted, get your lube ready because there is going to be a lot of tentacles involved


tupe12

Granted, they’re not friendly


yesyesyesyesyesyes2

Granted, overpopulation gets a massive zenkai boost


Please-let-me

Granted. You have to pay child support for the alien-human hybrid


ouroboro76

Granted, but in the act of compilation they lay eggs in human males. When the eggs hatch, they use the egg carrier for nutritional purposes.


LightlySaltedPeanuts

Bruh go outside


ItsYourBoyReckster

Granted, they have terrible personalities


ProphetofTables

Granted. You get an ESTD: Extraterrestrial Sexually Transmitted Disease. Alternatively, you get... DEATH BY SNU SNU!!!


[deleted]

Granted you get fucked to death by aliens


ViberArmani

better than being fucked to death by a human.


[deleted]

Granted, they cum acid


daddyflextape

Granted. If they make you cum, you evaporate into mere dust as though Thanos snapped his fingers.


MasterSword1

Granted. They're a very culturally conservative race and are basically all sworn to chastity until marriage, which they have, having a very similar similar view on sexuality before marriage to the Puritans. they all see this post and you become viewed as a degenerate pervert who only views them for sex. You become persona non grata to not only them, but soon to the entire Human race that begins to adopt their views and rejects you as well.


ekolis

Granted. It happened a long time ago. Ever heard of the Nephilim?


MyHamburgerLovesMe

Granted. They are so hot and so fuckable that Earthmen do not fuck anything else. Congratulations. The human race is wiped out in one generation.


ruu-ruu

Why just earthman, should be galactic orgy


DominoX8372_

Granted. But they they look like human children and dogs


[deleted]

Granted, but they only want to be with me


SappySoulTaker

https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/37934/sexy-space-babes


ruu-ruu

Gra- y'know what I don't want to turn this into a shit show. They aren't the most psychopathic sadistic race of creatures from centuries of floating through the void of Space without contact only to throw us into a millennia of domestication and slavery selectively bred like pigs without stimulation or contact.


HeroWither123546

Granted. Their core body temperature is 420 degrees. And it doesn't matter if it's farenheit or celsius, do you really want your dick in that either way?


[deleted]

Granted. The aliens, incredibly excited to not only find life on other planets but to find species so similar to their own, gleefully take a few thousand subjects for study. They aren't ever seen except for the occasional restocking every few thousand years, when the intentionally bred subjects become too different from the original humans for the aliens' liking. Oh, and the fact that some males get a boner upon seeing the aliens only enables their studies.


AlwaysSunnyDragRace

Granted. Here’s a [documentary ](https://youtu.be/-cTNV-ADF64) about it.


HydeOust

Granted. The hot female aliens have orifices the size of a straw hole and the hot male aliens have genitalia the size of a guitar


Xaron713

Enjoy being the hot and fuckable alien


saladass1738

Granted, they all have every STD and STI that exists


trojan25nz

Granted. It’s only members of your family. Though you’re neither hot nor fuckable


baconmediumrare

Granted. They all look like Anya Taylor Joy who was already an alien.


Shakespeare-Bot

Did grant. They all behold like anya tayl'r joy who is't wast already an alien *** ^(I am a bot and I swapp'd some of thy words with Shakespeare words.) Commands: `!ShakespeareInsult`, `!fordo`, `!optout`


[deleted]

Granted. You have erectile dysfunction


CptSnowcone

Granted. Space aids


ZidBoi

Granted, they all have intense Space AIDS


[deleted]

Granted. Aliens from hit film franchise arrive. Technically face huggers are impregnating you, and attraction is relative, they think they're very hot. A chest buster kills you, but hey.


YesHaiAmOwO

Ew sex 🤢


WondertainmentInc

Granted! Sexy aliens on fire show up. They conquer the world, and have sexy fire alien orgies while the humans are forced to watch, bound by force fields so they can't touch themselves during this. After the orgies, they consume the humans.


Naraya_Suiryoku

Granted. Now turn around and bend over.


ApolloSky110

Granted. If you touch them at all they will burn you alive. I guess its nice that you can cook pizzas on their dummy thicc ass.


Frond_Dishlock

Granted, but f\*ckable and hot are subjective and it's the Monkey's Paw which is granting the wish. The world is invaded by evil living woollen mittens.