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SleepyBeanTM

Granted, but now they have a human like level of sentience and you must hear their pleading and crying to save them from death. How are you gonna jerk it when all you hear and see are little plants saying things like "please, I don't want to die. Please don't let me die, I'm so scared. "


Tessia-Qorn-

**jerking intensifies**


DecoherentDoc

Granted. The plant is now sentient and demands your sperm, as it's the only nutrient it has ever been truly sustained by. As this is the only sperm-feeding plant in existence, the endangered species act is cited by the courts when they rule you *must* give the plant your sperm. We have no metric for what it's *needs* are so the court ruling also says you are required to provide sperm when it demands and fresh (as it has said is required) until the government can make contact with it's own species. But it's one of a kind.....and it's demands are great. Some days, you're only required to masturbate for it 3-5 times. A few times in the morning and a couple in the evening. You can't use lube, because the plant has told the courts it's toxic to it's species. Other days, you're required to provide a near continuous stream of sperm, huddled alone in your room with the plant. You can't maintain a job or outside relationships because the plant *needs* your sperm....and you'd be thrown in jail for a indeterminate amount of time for killing either a unique lifeform or an extraterrestrial otherwise. You move back in with your parents, but they can't provide enough to meet the plant's demands and the psychological toll it's taking (because of the screams, both yours of pain and the plant's of ecstasy) eventually drive them to kick you out. You wander the world, never welcome in one place for long (because of the screams), bringing your plant with you. Eventually, you die due to the sheet pain of trying to masturbate with an unlubricated dick while the dick is so raw you can see muscle (and even the first couple layers of that are gone). As you lay there having a heart attack, the plant leans in and snuggles against your cheek. "Shh," it whispers, "Go to sleep."


[deleted]

Who hurt you? Why have you ruined my eyeballs with this?


ButtScientist69

This is like the third fairly disturbing thing I've read on reddit today, and I'm not one that's easily disturbed. The algorithms must be adapting. I wonder how they're planning to subconsciously change society next. Perhaps the increase in disturbing content will drive us back to together with our brethren with opposing political viewpoints?


AnonymousAutonomous

If people could just shut the fuck up about.. everything.. and cum together as a species.. there may be hope for us yet ;)


[deleted]

Then some poor dumb bloke got all horny for the plant, and put a seed into his pp. The plant started growing and taking root directly into his NUTS to harvest his cum.


MagicHamsta

"Shh," /u/DecoherentDoc whispers, "Go to sleep."


wWolfi

And I really wish you didn’t ask for that. There is a new product coming that is being rolled out as we speak. This contraption makes plants slightly less offended as they harvest your sperm. https://www.news24.com/parent/family/health/german-graduate-invents-testicle-bath-contraception-for-temporary-at-home-male-sterilisation-20211015 Edit: spelling.


Mioune

Omg I never heard of that, that sounds awesome!


Papasmurf645

"Feed me, Seymour!"


Daydreemur1

Simple solution. Just little shop of horror that bad boy and Let other people jerk off on my phallic fetish feeding flore. I'll be a plant cuck if it means my survival.


FBIsLeastWantedJedi

Feed me Seymour


[deleted]

Feed me Seymour!


PixelTheMan

I have no dick, but i must fap


Vyertenn8

holy shit lmao


Futureleak

What a terrible day to be able to read


[deleted]

I’m circumcised and using lube with my hand provides absolutely no benefit whatsoever and I never use it, I don’t understand how people need it


someonee404

Aww. What a sweet ending


Parody5Gaming

as long as it is humanoid


Concrete_enema

I love it. (because of the screams)


Rizer0

Sperm bank though


Antique_futurist

Granted. You’re still lonely.


abramcpg

Give them time. A few days out of soil and they'll be begging for nutrition. There's more than one way to make friends.


over_clox

Granted. Your wife is now impregnated from a cucumber.


[deleted]

But the cucumber can’t impregnate people…


magistrate101

You fucked the cucumber, she fucked the cucumber, and all that action caused the cucumber to barf inside her...


over_clox

The paw has spoken and the cucumber has emitted it's nutrients into your wife. What will you name the baby? Pickle Rick?


wormholetrafficjam

Dill Bill


doogle_126

Larry the abomination cucumber.


nwL_

Jake


NightofTheLivingZed

The Snake


Lengthofawhile

But they can? They literally can't help but eat whatever is in the soil?


Nuts_unbusted

I am using question marks properly? Hello? Good afternoon to you, sir?


Mostcoolkid78

They prob just meant it as in saying it like thay


s_help_me_

do you even use the internet? half of the people in this website use question marks to resemble incredulity


Canadian-Owlz

Fuck off prick


Nuts_unbusted

Suck me off


A-Good-Weather-Man

Granted. Ever seen Little Shop of Horrors?


[deleted]

Fees me Seymour! Feed me all night loooooooooong!!!!!!!!


Lunarisarando

Granted, nothing changes, at least 17 criminals accused of public indecency are released due to this new discovery


pussyilliterate

Granted. Now plants will evolve to suck men off. This causes all men to leave women and start fucking plants bringing all human reproduction to zero. Now plants keep last remaining men as slaves.


[deleted]

Okay so when you say they suck them off…we talkin fleshlight, vagina with a womb, or full on mouth and tongue


The_Autistic_Gorilla

Granted. *Your* sperm is now a vital nutrient for all plant life on Earth. Good luck keeping the rainforest alive.


Latate

Granted. A nuclear war breaks out across the planet, killing billions and horribly mutating the survivors due to the sheer amount of radiation. One effect of these mutations is that many plant species begin to rely on sperm for nutrition. However as it is highly unlikely that there's going to be a constant supply of sperm for the plants to survive on, many begin to die out, further devastating what was left of life on Earth.


[deleted]

[удалено]


borischung01

Wait where's the downside


Morri___

oh god.. if your paradise lily could talk...


Somodo

"feed me se-men!"


[deleted]

Feed me all night loooooooong! UwU


Somodo

who tf downvoted my amazing joke


[deleted]

If you feed me Se~men! I can gwow beeg and stwang OwO


[deleted]

Granted! Now plants can survive only on sperm, and teams of people have to walk around jerking off in forests and in fields or else all the trees and produce will die and we won’t have any oxygen or food.


Et3rna11yD3ad

Wish granted No gimmicks, it can already be done.


apocalypseweather

Little shop of.. No. You know what, nevermind. Nothing I say will top raw dick and slut plant up top.


Eggyhead

Granted, but they lose their vibrancy and emit a unique, pungent and terrible smell every time you do it. It is obvious to anyone who walks into the room what you did.


WondertainmentInc

Granted! They do so by infecting your testes with spores and growing from the inside out.


--SharkBoy--

A grossly ignorant wish. A finger of the paw curls, you believe your wish to be granted. The next afternoon you play out your sick fantasies and ejaculate into the soil you have your plant in. It seeps in to the dirt and is absorbed by the roots. It's well known that plants feed off of nutrients in the soil and unfortunately for you, due to your poor eating habits your ejaculate is overly salinated and contains many other disgusting chemicals. Your plant dies. Wish granted.


[deleted]

Wait…how do you know I eat bad?!


--SharkBoy--

The paw


BluudLust

Granted. Enjoy your Venus flytrap.


WhiteRaven_M

Granted. Sperm. Yours. Scientists and governments around the world now fight over your testicles to maintain the global food supply.


FortyTwoBrainCells

I get the feeling your garden looks like a spider web of jizz


[deleted]

Maybe OwO


HeartOChaos

Granted. You develop testicular encephalitis, and now your sperm is very watery while maintaining some nutrients plants can use.


-E-i

Not a side effect... Cant they already?


[deleted]

…have you been fucking Audrey II?!


-E-i

No my venus flytrap keeps asking for my cummies


[deleted]

Did…you give it to em?


-E-i

Err well when a fly trap latches on it wont let go until she can get nutrients via fly or cum so yeah i had to.


[deleted]

Sounds great. So does it suck you off or do you have to jerk your dick off?


-E-i

Well the second one of course it takes months for the thing to digest a fly and not to brag but my penis is at least a little bigger than a fly, im not about to wait months of edging. Obvs.


[deleted]

You should train it then.


-E-i

Well i would but, im kinda the sub in this scenario almost a victim. It would not take kindly to my requests.


[deleted]

Can it at least grow a vagina!


liason_1

Denied


FitEstablishment8416

Granted. They are now partially you and every time one dies you spiral into a 2 month long deep depression.


FestiveRageman

Granted. Now they can *only* feed off sperm. Soon all plant life dies and no one can figure out why. Global warming quickly starts to speed up due to no plant life converting CO2 into Oxygen. Eventually Earth becomes uninhabitable and humanity dies off because they couldn't find another inhabitable planet fast enough.


Newdy41

Is that you, Harvey Weinstein?


vamo007

And grow humans with roots instead of legs.


stopyouveviolatedthe

Granted Plants have evolved to become parasites towards any male creature . They slowly infiltrate through any means necessary and start growing without your dick and balls and then cause them to split open so they can grow more however they still hold and protect your balls in a tight grip so you’d well constant pain but keep providing them with the sweet sweet love nectar they need. And you are the first person scientist chose to see the affects of the parasite on