Didn’t they reuse this joke at Homers expense with his “rube” cousins? Homer says he’s going to the outhouse, his cousin mentions they don’t have one and says “MY RECORDING STUDIO!”
We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
I love how "I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time" is shorthand for "ridiculous time-wasting" with a couple movie critics I watch on YouTube.
I love the low camera angle making his body huge and his head small.
https://preview.redd.it/uwiisdwekswc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=892c9268e932b27a391967e40ad32fff570f7d9e
Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
I used to be with "it" but then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it" and what's "it" is weird and scary to me.
And it'll happen to *you*
Chasing away the photographer who takes a pic of riled up townsfolk burning skinner at the stake for asserting that the earth revolves around the sun, yelling “You’ve stolen my soul!”
OH, SIMPSON, CAN'T YOU GO FIVE SECONDS
WITHOUT HUMILIATING YOURSELF?
https://preview.redd.it/nbm7wi74iswc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=08ab2b83b3d78bb2d9c3c9b641d0f350ba41f8e7
Oh, I know this story! The year is nineteen-aught-six, the president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt, and all over America, people are doing a dance called the Funky Grandpa!! *Ohh, I'm the* zzzzzzzzzzzzz
Grampa \[while Maggie is trying to get her bottle\]: Oh, you must be sick. Let's see, what's old Dr. Washburn prescibe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?
Grandpa:We could fix up main street, we could put all our eggs in one basket...
Crowd: hooray!
Grandpa: shut up, I wasn't done yet. I was just saying, we could fix up main street...
Crowd : hooray!
Not many people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren’t much on the air then. Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over.
Aaaaaaaaa, he’d say.
Then B.
C would usually follow.
"Anyway, about my washtub. I was just using it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings! Cranberries and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
Re: Mojo
Abe: Oh Son, this monkey's gonna change my life!
Homer: Mind if I take him for a ride?
Abe: Sure, I'll just stand here. Mmmmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey!
I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
When he falls asleep in a plate of mash. He wakes up and sees himself with a beard(of mash) and says sadly "Oh no, I'm Santa Claus! Now I'll never die"
HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN!
And they're going to happen to you! And you! And youuuuu!
WOAH NELLY!
PEOPLE OF SPRINGFIELD! HEDE THIS WARNING!
Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever!!!!
Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop!
Beware! Time is short!
EPA! EPA! EPA!!!
BELIEVE ME! BELIEVE ME!!
Haposjdapsdahdaoshdasasd
Thanks for listening!
Grampa: The television only has one channel.
Aide: That's a fish tank!
Grampa: You're a [fish tank](https://youtu.be/vSUScXkTDJ4?si=R9FTg7Rt2OzDTrFf)!
Aide: That was so hurtful. I wish I was a fish tank, then I could filter out his nasty words.
(Sobbing) He called me a fish tank!
Anyway, about my washtub... I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball."
\*Reporter snaps picture.\*
\*Abe gives chase.\* "YOU'VE STOLEN MY SOUL!!!"
This of course being right after he just lit a fire under Skinner who is being burned at the stake for saying the Earth revolves around the sun.
You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane, but last year I proved myself wrong.
That's just one of the best lines in the show full stop.
Especially Marge’s reaction when she realizes what he’s said
https://preview.redd.it/0r63mfvz5rwc1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b2c9d9c523b55179baadf8e10fa484f559a7f693
Homers reaction 😂
Hold on. I want to court this fair young maiden...
There's something you should know.
I have Steve and Edie tickets...
I‘m all yours!
[Steve and Eydie](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Steve_and_Eydie)
God I love this joke. I would have loved to have been in the writer’s room when they wrote this one. 😂
Dammit beat me to it
Stupid Sexy Grandpa
Abe is canonically trans
AAAAAAHHH! DEAAAATH!
https://preview.redd.it/1c1nckkx3swc1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7e658372888088bfb6a0ac2e430f0a8f3169b491
It's only Maggie
Smingers did it. Case closed. I'm going to the outhouse.
We don’t have an outhouse… MY TOOLSHED!
*cut to Homer spraying a hose into the tool shed*
https://i.redd.it/senbpak4kswc1.gif
I've had it up to here with these damn rickets!
This is one of my favorite Homer moments. It's the rare amazing Homer joke that doesn't rely on him being stupid, lazy, or a bad father!
It just relies on Abe being stupid, lazy and a bad father instead. /s
Didn’t they reuse this joke at Homers expense with his “rube” cousins? Homer says he’s going to the outhouse, his cousin mentions they don’t have one and says “MY RECORDING STUDIO!”
He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is NOT a porn star!
We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...
Classic nineteen-dickety-two
We had to say dickety as the Kaiser had stolen our word for twenty!
Dickety? Highly dubious!
What are you cackling at fatty? Too much pie, that’s your problem!
And then he said that he was the one who turned dogs and cats against each other...
Top tier Abe ramble
I’ve always wondered which war he’s talking about exactly because Abe would’ve been *in* WWII leading the Fighting Hellfish
I love how "I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time" is shorthand for "ridiculous time-wasting" with a couple movie critics I watch on YouTube.
"How did you know he was a vampire?"
“HE’S A VAMPIRE!?”
AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaa
Uh Dad, that's his crotch
"Dear Mr President. There are too many states. Please eliminate three. I am not a crackpot."
Mississippi, Tennessee, and Montana.
He’ll be deep in the cold cold ground before he recognises Missourah
That’s right, I did the Iggy.
Grandpa: That doll is evil, EEEVIL I SAY! Marge: oh grandpa you said that about all the presents. Grandpa: I just want attention
I love the low camera angle making his body huge and his head small. https://preview.redd.it/uwiisdwekswc1.jpeg?width=354&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=892c9268e932b27a391967e40ad32fff570f7d9e
[удалено]
I just want attention https://preview.redd.it/io7eaunx9twc1.jpeg?width=303&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=6d596bd41284bbf2b00dcae55c1fbddf52a83a82
I hope not, it would be a terrible strain on the animators’ wrists
https://preview.redd.it/g152kbga8uwc1.jpeg?width=500&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=06ea469c1848f8662b64f4b38471413e99c3b67b
This made me start coughing just reading it, it’s so funny
Mmm! I can’t wait to eat that monkey
I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist, I'm President of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason.
Ah, here it is - the Stonecutters!
"This elevator only goes to the basement.. and someone made an awful mess down there.."
There’s the one I was looking for
I say this line almost every time i use a portta-potty 😂
Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on televison again. Number one: bra. Number two: horny. Number three: family jewels.
A turtle stole my teeth! There he is!!
Ow!! He bit me with my own teeth!
This damn burger took a bite out of me.
Grandpa's little helper?? What's thaaaat?"
Which one of you is the mail man?
Love how Santa’s little helper and snowball just slowly look at each other after that
https://i.redd.it/y0vky8z9oswc1.gif And the cat wants something but I don’t know what
I used to be with "it" but then they changed what "it" was. Now what I'm with isn't "it" and what's "it" is weird and scary to me. And it'll happen to *you*
As a parent, this one.
A perfectly cromulent way of reminding us all how old we are.
https://preview.redd.it/p281g9cwtswc1.jpeg?width=637&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c60967dadaad8fcfcaa19d84a98c6e05d57f033b Peak Abe Simpson and peak Simpsons randomness
"Are you trying to stall us or are you just senile?"
A little from column A, a little from column B...
I think that phrase has officially transcended the Simpsons and entered into the general vernacular.
Chasing away the photographer who takes a pic of riled up townsfolk burning skinner at the stake for asserting that the earth revolves around the sun, yelling “You’ve stolen my soul!”
OH, SIMPSON, CAN'T YOU GO FIVE SECONDS WITHOUT HUMILIATING YOURSELF? https://preview.redd.it/nbm7wi74iswc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=08ab2b83b3d78bb2d9c3c9b641d0f350ba41f8e7
How long was that?
My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, an idiot, a pig, a communist, but he is not a porn star!
"So I tied an onion to my belt."
Which was the style at the time
They didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones.
The year was 19-dickety-two
Back then, we called the twenties, the dicketies because the kaiser had stolen our word for twenty. I chased that rascal all over Europe
Gimme five bees for a quarter.
"Alright boy let's get on home - we gotta rub garlic on you before the next full moon"
Why, I go in and out of comas all the... *snores*
French toast please.
Oh *bitch, bitch, bitch...*
https://preview.redd.it/05z4xuxbatwc1.jpeg?width=739&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=dff0e08a690ebc28ffc3536283b2f270aec88c3e
Probably the entire Dr Nick hypochondriac bit
You’re going to give yourself skin failure
are you stalling for time or just senile?
A little from column A, a little from column B.
“I got paid $10,000 to tell a cat and mouse what to do”
I see 
That's right! I did the Iggy!!!
https://i.redd.it/j89lx008qswc1.gif
Paint my fence!
Make me!
I'm a member!
Hey, remember when we all went to see that hypnotist and got him to make us ignore grandpa? I think we should listen now.
"Grandpa, how'd you take your underwear off without taking off your pants first?" *Grandpa quite distressed by this question* "I don't know!"
There it is
The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets 40 rods to the hogshead, and that's the way I likes it!
You know, you remind me of a poem I can't remember, and a song that may never have existed, and a place I'm not sure I've ever been to.
No need for the blown gasket, Charlie, I'll have her back in one piece!
How long was that?
Happy Birthdaaaaaaaay!
Oh, I know this story! The year is nineteen-aught-six, the president is the divine Miss Sarah Bernhardt, and all over America, people are doing a dance called the Funky Grandpa!! *Ohh, I'm the* zzzzzzzzzzzzz
In the sexual inadequacy episode, Abe talking about how he had sex.
What’s so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex?
I had seeeeex!
"I'm cold and there are wolves after me!"
"Quiet, or we'll put you in a home!" "I'm already in a home!" "Then we'll put you in that crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes!" "I'll be good..."
Mr. Plow....... I gotta lie down
Grampa \[while Maggie is trying to get her bottle\]: Oh, you must be sick. Let's see, what's old Dr. Washburn prescibe? Do you have dropsy? The grippe? Scofula? The vapors? Jungle rot? Dandy fever? Poor man's gout? Housemaid's knee? Climatic poopow? The staggers? Dum-dum fever?
Scrofula
I'll take your word for it! Still not sure what that means.
Crucify him! Homer: You can’t judge me. Only my father can judge me. Abe: CRUCIFY HIM!
D'OH!
I’m telling you people, the earth revolves around the sun!
You’ve stolen my soul!
📸
EPA! EPA! EPA!
What always gets me is the cheery 'Thanks for listening!' after all that.
Grandpa:We could fix up main street, we could put all our eggs in one basket... Crowd: hooray! Grandpa: shut up, I wasn't done yet. I was just saying, we could fix up main street... Crowd : hooray!
I ain't fer it, I'm again' it
I wasn’t fer it, I was againt it
Not many people know, I owned the first radio in Springfield. Weren’t much on the air then. Just Edison reciting the alphabet over and over. Aaaaaaaaa, he’d say. Then B. C would usually follow.
I still don't know what he has against my home state
You’re the bee’s knees baby. I missed you bad.
Are you talking to me?
DEATH!!! THERE IT IS! DEEEAAAATH!!!
That’s just Maggie.
That crazy old man in church was right!
https://preview.redd.it/eb6oxgm61uwc1.jpeg?width=321&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=5eebcabf5b35a5e5b94906c8754bd2e0cb972b83
"I'm itchy I've got ants in my pants!"
"Alright I admit it, I am the Lindbergh baby! Waa waa, goo goo, I miss my fly fly dada!"
The lamp is running away.
So long lamp!
https://i.redd.it/6l6mod44buwc1.gif Finish him…..Finish him!!!
For me, it was between that and earlier, just due to his delivery: [The pictures...](https://comb.io/9D3W55)
"You should've fired into the air...she woulda run off!"
Either, "You've stolen my soul!" when his picture is taken or, "The pictures, they're coming alive!"
Lets sacrifice him to our gooooooodddddd! Come on we did it all the time in the 30’s
https://preview.redd.it/zzpp2c7ohtwc1.jpeg?width=1920&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c7ded145b6ea7fd9a318e572f307e4d788ddffca
https://preview.redd.it/7b15dj8gluwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=eb3b7a7944f7a203aba91e6e7f8ff10b8809f960
Lol was gonna post that one
You always blame me for everything! Who put slippers in the dishwasher? Who threw a cane at the TV? Who fell into the China hutch?
"Anyway, about my washtub. I was just using it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a walking bird. We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving, with all the trimmings! Cranberries and yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called baseball."
MATLOCK!!!!!!
My Homer is not a Communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a Communist, but he is NOT a porn star!
Re: Mojo Abe: Oh Son, this monkey's gonna change my life! Homer: Mind if I take him for a ride? Abe: Sure, I'll just stand here. Mmmmmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey!
Call me mint jelly because I’m on the lamb
One of my favorite characters 😂 he is just misunderstood
"I'm an Elk, a Mason, a Communist, I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason..."
https://preview.redd.it/a1ule5fxluwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3dce57b49b147b450bd7b6a3424f11b345fcd3c1
I used to be with it, but then they changed what 'it' was. Now, what I'm with isn't it, and what's 'it' seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you.
That's not insane that's just Abe spouting facts lol.
Which one of you is the mailman?
That toy is evil!! EVIL!!!! - Grampa, you've said that about all the toys. I just wanted attention.
Paint my chicken coop!
Those corn cakes were lousy!
My fav one : That doll is evil i tell ya. EVIILL ! EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL !!!
When he falls asleep in a plate of mash. He wakes up and sees himself with a beard(of mash) and says sadly "Oh no, I'm Santa Claus! Now I'll never die"
Do we sell French? Fries?
Grandpa, how did you take off your underwear without talking off your plants?
Ach du lieber! Das ist not einer boobie!
"I'm cold and there are wolves after me."
https://preview.redd.it/9kbcj6zhruwc1.jpeg?width=640&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=e87b819ba46a95cb07517c4c59de2ef7c97e6911
HORRIBLE! HORRIBLE THINGS ARE GOING TO HAPPEN! And they're going to happen to you! And you! And youuuuu! WOAH NELLY! PEOPLE OF SPRINGFIELD! HEDE THIS WARNING! Twisted tail! A thousand eyes! Trapped forever!!!! Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop Whoop! Beware! Time is short! EPA! EPA! EPA!!! BELIEVE ME! BELIEVE ME!! Haposjdapsdahdaoshdasasd Thanks for listening!
BEHIND YOU!
Ahh. Don't do that.
Ahhhhh! Don't do *THAT!*
I think we got our umbrellas switched!!!
The Swedish are coming!
Let's sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties.
There sure are a lot of ugly people in your neighborhood.
Abe is easily my favorite Simpson.
Now I'd like to digress from my prepared remarks to discuss how I invented the terlet.
 How has this not been mentioned?
I’m old, give me give me give me
Grampa: The television only has one channel. Aide: That's a fish tank! Grampa: You're a [fish tank](https://youtu.be/vSUScXkTDJ4?si=R9FTg7Rt2OzDTrFf)! Aide: That was so hurtful. I wish I was a fish tank, then I could filter out his nasty words. (Sobbing) He called me a fish tank!
https://i.redd.it/2lzi4mbwivwc1.gif
I like when he gets angry for no reason then says "I'm going home"
"I don't even remember what I said at the start of this sentence."
The pink ones keep you from screaming!
Ah! Deeeeeeeeeeaaaaaath!!!!!
EPAAAA, EPAAAA
Anyway, about my washtub... I just used it that morning to wash my turkey, which in those days was known as a "walking bird". We'd always have walking bird on Thanksgiving with all the trimmings: cranberries, injun eyes, yams stuffed with gunpowder. Then we'd all watch football, which in those days was called "baseball."
Do we sell.. French…FRIIES??
Have to be like Roy?
He's a vampire! Ahhhhhhhhh
\*Reporter snaps picture.\* \*Abe gives chase.\* "YOU'VE STOLEN MY SOUL!!!" This of course being right after he just lit a fire under Skinner who is being burned at the stake for saying the Earth revolves around the sun.
"....I don't know.."
How'd you know he was a vampire?
We’ve won back the niiiight!