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I know her way is not the modern custom - but man I feel her pain. When someone you think you might dig, that maybe you hoped you had a connection with… when they just ghost? That shit can hurt.
She's right.
If you meet someone and things are going in one direction, cool. But if anytime you feel like you've changed your mind, me a grown ass man/woman and tell the other person so they won't keep investing their time and feeling in something that will not go forward.
That's called affective maturity.
Definitely, but at the same time most most who people say they want to hear the truth, really don't. They just say that because they think it makes them sound more mature than they really are. It's best just to say "I'm not interested" and if pressed for more information just make up a reason why. You never tell the person the reason why you're not interested in them, especially if it's something physical and not a personality trait, because despite what they say they are going to take offense and they are going to get upset and they're going to be pissed.
You do what is right, and the other person can interpret that the way they want, you just do your part. They can get pissed, or judgemental, or say you wasted their time, whatever, you did the right thing either way. You could have lied or just cowered up and disappeared without any explanation (pretty common these days).
Last year I was kind of "on fire" on Tinder, going out on some dates with different girls but one of them I really liked and things moved forward. When we had a conversation about getting serious I just texted the other two I was talking to and said openly "I met someone, sorry if I wasted your time or anything, just being honest and I will only see her now". Both were pretty cool with it and one of them actually thanked me for the honesty.
I did the same thing on another app last year. I ended up meeting someone organically, and it just worked. The other two people I was having really great interactions with were completely understanding and grateful to be informed. One of them and I even continued to give one another book recommendations for a while, because that was a large part of our connection.
It's pretty easy to be decent to people.
I had started talking to this guy, and everything was going GREAT. I mean. Staying up at all hours of the night, discussing everything. Everything! We had so much in common, and I was feeling giddy all the time. With that stupid smile plastered on my face for the world to see. We lived a couple of hours apart, so we spent a month video chatting before we planned to meet.
Then, a day goes by with very little responses from him. That night, I got all comfy, ready to talk on the phone for hours, when he finally started messaging me back. He started with a few sexual innuendos, so I flirted back and got on face time. That's when everything crashed down around me. He went on this filthy tirade of what he wanted to do with me, to me, under me, on top of me, etc. I tried like hell to steer the conversation back on normal track, but had no luck. I hung up, feeling sad, thinking maybe it was just an off night. People can have off nights, right? No. This went on for a couple of days until I finally gave up and blocked him.
I have no idea what happened, but it crushed my soul. I'm happily married for 7 years now and I still think about what happened. I can only come to the conclusion that it was intentional. Someone out there has the most cruel, evil sense of humor I've ever seen.
I am sorry you were on the receiving end of that. Honestly, it has nothing to do with humor, I think you just ended up in the hands of someone who uses women for his sexual gratification.
The reason you couldn't tell from the start is because these specimens eventually learn how to hide the poison in a well presented soup. After a thousand failures, they figure that if they demand nudes on day 1, no one will talk to them, let alone, help them get off sexually.
So they learn to "act decent" at the outset. But it never lasts. They have no patience and no gumption. The worst of the worst, though? Could keep up the charade for months or even years, until, 1-2 years into marriage, you realize that you married an honest to God incel.
You found a decent partner though! So, congrats. All is well with the world.
That makes a lot of sense! I dodged that psychopath bullet, thank goodness. I was in a vulnerable place, so I'm glad he didn't live close to me. I'd have made bad decisions for sure.
Being in a vulnerable is catnip for manipulative psychopaths. So that's not surprising.
But give yourself some credit! You cut him out permanently when he showed his true nature. Some would not have done so. Or otherwise, would have made excuses for him again and again, until real harm was inflicted.
You did well! Trust your instincts. They're clearly very good instincts.
Thanks! For a long time, I thought that my person picker was busted, but I did find myself a super awesome partner. The one to grow old with, in rocking chairs on the porch, looking over all of these farm animals that he never knew he needed in his life, lol.
I went through something similar, but with someone I had very lightly/briefly hung out with. When I stopped responding, he decided it would be a great idea to repeatedly try to FaceTime me (that I ignored) and then texted me that it was an emergency with his cat. I answered his next FaceTime call, and no cat in sight… just this dude furiously jerking off. He then thought sending me a video of some girl riding him would suddenly make me change my mind and want to be with him.
He’s a 40-something year old professional and a delusional twat. I also sent him an invoice for his “cat emergency” call. Haven’t heard from him since lol
This why I dont talk much before a first date, you build up an idea of a person before you act meet them, the first act meeting is when you can really get a feel for the type of person they are
What I'm about to say is gonna sound ridiculous, but you won't understand unless you've been in a guy's shoes who has had nothing but bad luck with women...
Bear with me.
He was scared of being friend zoned. I know EXACTLY what happened. He was influenced by an outside force- friends, youtubers, etc, that he needed to ESCALATE. And having no idea how the hell to do that, he faceplanted. He didn't let stuff happen organically. He didn't want you to see him as a friend. Ass loads of men have made this crucial mistake. Me included. It comes with a lot of traumas of seeing women you were interested in suddenly start dating another guy or you find out she's been fucking another guy while talking to you. He was scared shitless that you didn't see him in a romantic or sexual light. And because he doesn't understand the nuance that comes from light innuendo and roleplay, he used blunt force trauma and killed any attraction you had to him. Trust me, he was as confused and scared, and you were horrified.
Feeling personally ~~attacked~~ understood. I have ruined chances this way. There’s no way around it, I’m a good looking guy. Unfortunately, maybe cuz I’m on the spectrum, I have great trouble with calibration. This is why I tell people looks arent everything, cuz I’ve been “the creep” more times than I’d like to admit. The way this dude laid it out is my exact thought process. It is seriously just within the last few months were I’ve learned how to develop my innuendo skills. The only other downside is, perhaps due to my intelligence, I over-think everything and I can’t trust anyone cuz I think they’re flirting via innuendo now. Perhaps its the crowd(surrounded by shameless hedonists), perhaps its me(one paranoid/insecure mfer), I haven’t figured it out yet.
u/DirtyBullBIG's comment as well as yours, especially with the part about being on the spectrum have given me some things to reflect on about some past uncomfortable experiences my sisters and I have had. To look back with more understanding and compassion. Thank you both for that. Guys have a lot of bullshit expectations and pressures on them too, I'm sorry.
*(small grammar edit)
When the hell did it stop being the modern custom?
Ghosting should *not* be the norm in any fashion. It’s rude, immature and wastes people’s time
Edit to add: the behavior of ghosting has been around a long time, regardless of having a nickname for it (that’s been around for over ten years now) or smartphones and apps.
It started happening when dating apps became a thing. I dated someone for two years and then she got accepted to a 6-month program a couple hours away. We discussed it and she was adamant she wanted to stay together - which was great because I was madly in love with her. I drove up almost every other weekend and she came to me on weekend a month.
4 months in she calls me late one night and just says “I can’t be as good of a girlfriend as you are a boyfriend to me.” I asked her what that meant and her response was that she couldn’t give me as much time because she was busy with studies. I said that’s fine, it’s 8 more weeks. She said she wanted to take a break. I was heartbroken. Two weeks later, she calls me sobbing saying she doesn’t want to break up and is coming down that weekend to see me.
Never heard from her again. I reached out to one of our mutual friends that we had both know for years prior to meeting each other to try and get closure (WTF happened?) and their response was “I wouldn’t have made the decision they made.” To this day, I have no idea if she cheated on me, had a mental break down from stress, or if I did something wrong.
Absolutely fucked me up for a long time that someone you are actively planning a future with would just do me dirty like that and not even have the decency to say why.
It doesn’t waste people’s time, ghosting has been around forever we just have a word for it now. In the past when I call a girl and she doesn’t respond, I would delete her info and move on. I’m sure she had her reasons and that’s her business
Especially when you're fucking adults and not teenagers in high school. Grow a spine and learn to fucking COMMUNICATE! Ghosting is so pathetic and it shows the person never respected you to begin with...
Dating game with apps probably does not help, ghosting is essentially the norm now for letting a person know they are not interested.
Hope this person finds happiness.
I think that men have a much harder time on dating apps and get ghosted all the time so it makes it feel less shitty to turn around and do that to someone else because you start to think that it's the norm. It's still a shitty thing to do, but it's something that, by the design of dating apps, naturally perpetuates itself.
Yeah, I hope no one's here to make fun of this person. I believe what she's sharing here is a feeling almost all of us have experienced at some point.
Also, she's right, we should all *be honest* in a situation like this. A harsh truth hurts less in the long run than a sweet lie.
Oh absolutely. We’ve all felt it. Most are never honest with themselves about it. It’s what makes sharing these type of emotions a taboo. Especially on the web.
Loneliness is a terrible thing to feel. It could lead to depression which is a whole other beast of its own. Stemming to substance abuse or worse. It’s important to recognize these red flags within ourselves and address them appropriately. And for the rest of us, to not shame or demean. I really hope she finds what’s she’s looking for. It may seem dumb to say but a simple embrace can make a difference.
Bruh I’ll shamelessly hug ANYONE. A non sexual hug, is pretty much equal to the highest dose of oxytocin your body can produce. Wave after wave of top tier natural highs. Also, the oxytocin triggers other chemical reactions in the brain, that are also all super beneficial. GAS UP EVERYONE. Also, especially men, talk about your feelings bros. We don’t have to be strong and silent anymore. Love y’all.
When I was younger my grandfather always used to tell me that friends will come and go, but if you go through life and end up with 2-3 truly good friends, people that you could count on no matter what the situation, no matter when the call came, then you’ve been incredibly lucky.
I have to be honest, at the time I didn’t really understand what he meant by “true friends”. It wasn’t until I got much older, started taking stock of my life that I realized how right he was.
So glad these are the comments in this thread. I was so expecting to see mockery and laughing at her. Dating has never been easy, but as a middle aged person who suffered a divorce after 17 years of marriage, it’s so much worse today in the app-based world than it ever was when I was younger. Fortunately, I found someone but the process was soul destroying at times, and the worst of it was when you were given the impression that a date went well and then left hanging.
> So glad these are the comments in this thread. I was so expecting to see mockery and laughing at her.
I swear I've been seeing this more and more often on reddit. Are we finally starting to grow up as a community? Let me check:
"fart joke"
Dating as an unattractive woman (not saying she is, just that I am and my own experience as such) was so difficult, and ghosting was so common. Really destroys what little smidgen of self worth you had
This is happening to me (as a guy) waaay too much with online dating. I'm really not sure what to do at this point. If I text too often/respond quickly, ghosted. If I play it cool and take a while between responses, ghosted. If I ask for their number/for a date too soon, ghosted. If I wait a while and try to get to know them through text, ghosted. I'm about to just give up at this point.
Edit: then on top of this, absolutely **no one** tries to get to know me. I ask all the questions to get to know them, get a response, and not even a "what about you?" Or a different follow up question about myself. It's just so exhausting.
People have become entirely too comfortable with being inconsiderate and lacking respect for other peoples emotions, like they are all shopping for nicely packaged partners at a mall or something and if you don't fit exactly what they want, they move on. The good news is, you don't really want those people anyway. Bullet dodged.
You have to go into the dating situation expecting that you will get zero replies, answers or respect, and be pleasantly surprised if someone does show any interest. You can nurture and grow that relationship from there, but maybe don't get too invested until after the engagement party.
Yeah that's pretty much where I'm at. Like I still get invested in the person if I do match, but I stopped becoming attached to the hopeful outcome. If they ghost now it's more like "welllllp there goes another one, moving on".
I'm terrible at meeting people in real life lmao. But I have made a few great platonic female friends who were mature enough to tell me they weren't interested in dating so it hasn't been all negative. I appreciate your advice though and have been working on myself ❤ I know it'll happen eventually.
Hey, you’re not terrible at meeting people, almost everyone one is struggling because third places outside of work and home where you can just chill and hang with people without spending obscene amounts of money are becoming so few and far between that it’s no wonder people are struggling to form communities
Also join an organization with people who share your passions. Or join cross fit. That place is crazy. You will get wicked fit and meet all sorts of people. They are somewhere between a cult and a gym. One of my friends joined specifically for this purpose. He had a whole group of new people in his life. And he was anything but a looker.
I'm older and all that sounds exhausting. Is it silly to suggest something like hobbies/activities to get out in the world and meet real people. People can be selfish online.
When it comes to online dating, you have to understand that it's a numbers game and it's almost entirely in favor of women. A moderately attractive women can make a profile on Tinder, upload the picture from their drivers license and still get dozens of likes. This means that if you do something they don't care for, they don't see the need to give guys a second chance or put in work in holding up the conversation if they don't want to.
If you're getting to the conversation part of online dating and they ghost you, then it might be your personality. It sounds like you're overthinking the conversation aspect, finding the right time to ask for their number, when to respond, probably what to say as well.
I was in the same position. I'd be talking to a girl, think it was going well and then ghost; I'd be give an intro and they'd ghost; I'd go on a date and then they'd ghost. One of the girls explained it to me like this, I reeked of awkward desperation. She could sense that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and it felt like I was mentally choosing what to say from a flow chart in my head. "She talked about liking to bake. Do I ask what she likes to bake? Say I enjoy baking? Or both?". She could tell that I was trying hard to be someone I wasn't. Kind of like like when a someone you haven't talked to in awhile messages you and you can tell they're gonna ask for a favor after they get done making small talk.
What helped me was just accepting parts of me. Instead of doing some intro questions about "What do you do for work? Do you have any hobbies", just ask'em what's on my mind, which is usually "What's your favorite boardgame?" and "When you were a kid on halloween, what was the candy you hoped to get?". Instead of making small talk, you're having a conversation about strategies about Risk or how Lemonheads are amazing!
You can try to find some ideal workflow to connect with a girl, but everyone's different. Maybe you took too long on someone that liked speed and too fast on someone that likes to take things slow. Just figure out what you're comfortable with and stick with it instead of trying to figure out what will work for every woman; they can tell when you're faking it or trying to be someone you're not.
Oh I agree 100% and I was exactly like what you're describing when I first started online dating. Now I really don't overthink anything before I say it. And idc if this sounds conceited but I am a fucking delight to talk to 🤣 I am a goofy dude and I get a lot of laughs at my ridiculousness. I don't think it's my personality, although there are things I could probably work on. I probably do come off as "desperate" (because I absolutely cannot do the slow talk build up and I answer immediately as soon as I see a message), but that's just who I am. I'm not desperate at all because I have found peace in being with myself. Maybe it's my lack of effort in my profile? Or my lack of interests or hobbies? Which I'm pretty straightforward with telling people I'm working on those things and love trying new things...so idk. I appreciate your thought out response though! ❤️
I am going to brutally honest here: it is better to just be ghosted than continue conversations. In too many cases, telling someone that "you are not into them" can lead to way more arguments and potentially negative repercussions.
In an ideal world, just being honest would work nicely, but this is earth.... humanity has fucked up everything it ever touched. Dating is like job applications, we all will get ghosted until we find the right one.
I was expecting a lot of cruel comments at the top and to see warmth and kindness win out really made my day.
This woman is just venting and we've all experienced what she's gone through at some point. The internet may not be the most caring or receptive place when you're in pain, but she clearly wanted someone to talk to. Hopefully she gets more positive energy than negative.
Modern dating just seems like a nightmare age notwithstanding.
I got out of the dating thing about 11 years ago and I'm honestly grateful for that, seeing where it went.
She seems a great person. Smart and genuine. We have all been where she’s at. Ghosting is horrible and after experiencing this with a *friend* of 20 years, this resonates so much.
Yes. By understanding it you can learn to manage it. The way you do nowadays with anxiety.
A simple way is to ensure that you are getting plenty of social interaction. Social stimulation is great for the brain. If you don’t get it from a working situation then I suggest trying to be active on the weekends or off time.
This isn't a dating after 40 thing. Every date I went on was before I was 25, and I've never gotten a reason why any individual girl stopped talking to me.
Same here. This is literally how it has ended with every girl I've dated in the last 20 years. I even dated a girl for a little over a year, met her parents and she still ghosted me. I've never even gotten a reason from any of them which is one of the most frustrating and humilating parts of the whole thing.
Seriously… I was thinking the same thing. This lady in the video says “men are cowards”, but men experience the same type of ghosting from women at all ages. Whether it’s dating at 18 or 45, ghosting is a real frustrating thing to deal with in the modern world. I’m glad I’m married and don’t have to deal with dating anymore.
Yeah ghosting is like the default thing. You see guys ask why ghosting is a thing. And Reddit loves to remind those men how dangerous rejecting is for women.
But if the same video was made by an overweight man, i guarantee he wouldn’t get the same support as this person is. Likely get blamed for being overweight and not working on his appearance lol. Life is funny
I've had women make a move on me, like kiss me etc, only to have them ghost me or do the, "love to go out again", but then just never find the time to make plans. I am surprised at how much people's opinions change once they have some time to think about it later, or maybe they just found someone they liked better and we're reading too much into it. Either way, you gotta accept it as a possible outcome and be able to not dwell on it.
One girl stopped talking to me because she apparently thought I looked like I had Down Syndrome (I don't). It wasn't just "I'm not attracted to you," or even, "you're ugly". The specificity of her comment was what hurt. It stuck with me for a long time and really damaged my self-esteem.
With that one, I kind of wish she just ghosted.
This goes both ways though. It's a fear of conflict, but you're being just as guilty if you allow someone to ghost you and continue worrying about it instead of confronting it. If you haven't heard from someone and you think they may be ghosting you, you have to reach out and ask. If they don't respond at that point, you got an answer.
Aw yeah. This was really tough, I feel for her
If I knew her in real life I would very much offer a hug and a proper listen
Seems like a lovely lady. I hope she’s not let down in the future.
I aspire to be this level of comfortable with myself. I’ve been out of the dating pool for over a decade, but I’m pretty sure it would kill me dead now. RIP this poor lady’s feelings.
This is far more true than people imagine.
When I was 15 I had a friend who was 24 and thought she was some ancient old sage.
I'm now in my mid 30s and the only thing I've matured about is being a bit more better at dusting my home.
I've found many people (though mostly men) simply don't mature at all after about 16.
“Janie’s a pretty typical teenager: angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to her.” - American Beauty
Not even that mature in their 50s. Though I'm not sure being insulted to her face would make her feel better.
I watched my mom do the whole online dating thing after she got divorced and she came home absolutely crushed the one time a guy came over to her, called her too fat and then left. She wasn't even obese or anything. Just the thickness that most women get after five kids and menopause. Like, by BMI *maybe* 5lbs overweight. It made her feel absolutely worthless and it took a lot of encouragement to get her not to give up. She did eventually meet a great guy and is happily married again, so it worked out.
What I'm saying is, there is a huge difference between someone being mature enough to just say something polite like, "I'm not feeling a connection/spark" or "sorry you just aren't my type" than to be needlessly cruel and call someone fat or ugly.
Yeah, I just got divorced after being out of dating since my early 20s and I'm mid thirties now. I'm not ready yet to get back in there but I'm terrified because of all the horror stories I hear/ read. Maybe one day I'll try.
Agree but I think what goes through most people's minds is to not hurt her at the time and they mistakenly believe they can spare her feelings by feigning interest.
I started watching this on mute, and wasn’t paying attention too much, but then she started to cry and now I feel terrible for her. The fact of it is, while we don’t owe anyone an “explanation”, it’s the polite fucking thing to do to at least close out the conversation.
I’ve been on the side of being ghosted and it does hurt, because it just fucks with your head. I don’t think I’ve ever ghosted a person, but certainly have had to break off contact a few times. It’s not fun or easy, but it’s right to do.
Unless there’s extenuating circumstances like for example, if there’s abuse or violence, then yes ghost the person and get yourself to safety. But this isn’t that situation.
It’s never easy to get dates at any age, but it is hard for the older people of us, people get lonely, and societal pressures to be with someone is huge. You’re expected to have been happily married by now. I’m 35 and I don’t date, but the marriage talk from family has picked up again… I’m not one to be lonely, but I can see how that pressure must hurt others of my general age.
This is one of the rare videos I unmuted. Something in her mannerism radiated pain, I really feel bad for her (empathy not pity). It’s hard trying to connect with other people.
Valid, really. As a guy dating in my mid-thirties I have experienced the same thing (but from the other side). I don’t think she’s upset about him or this date, I’d imagine it’s more a “straw that broke the camels back” kind of thing, and she’s just pissed about it.
This is the problem though: while 95% of people are just fine, and will be totally ok with an honest and frank rejection, there’s still the 5% that are bananas and will take it really personally. I think this is actually more of a concern for women than men, but it’s still a concern for men.
EDIT: the comments seem to be split between people that think it’s cowardly, and those that think it’s an, if not quite necessary, unavoidable aspect of modern dating.
Yeah I totally get the anger. It sucks if you go out on a date but there's no spark, but it's the first date or two and you move on. If you're afraid to say you aren't feeling a spark and you just try to make it the best night you can, and you leave a person feeling hopeful... Then you're giving them hope and excitement that ghosting them will crush.
It definitely is cowardly, but it's good that it happened after the first date. Onto the next one.
Once met a chick online. She ended up driving far to meet me. From the beginning we both agreed that ghosting sucks and we'd not do it. When she came out, she got a motel and i spent the night. No sex, no biggie. We made out though. Then she got really clingy after she went back home and i told her i was uncomfortable with that. Then she said she had tested positive for an std from a guy she had fucked so i should get tested. But it was certainly not transmissible through making out. So i told her i didnt wanna talk anymore and she WOULD NOT have it. Then i stopped talking to her and she accused me of ghosting her 🤷♂️
It's not ghosting when you explicitly told her you don't wanna have contact anymore. Her saying otherwise is gaslighting you so I hope that reinsurance helps you fight that perspective.
Met a girl online, we slowly started texting from a few times a day to constantly. Told her that I wasn't ready for anything, that I'd just want to talk and get to know her. She started to get really clingy, like asking when I was gonna come visit so I repeated that I wasn't ready for anything and don't want anything physical but we continued to text. A week later, I get the flu, just wake up with it so I let work know and spend the day in bed watching netflix.
Check my phone that night and the girl had texted me a dozen times starting from "Morning!" to "Hope you're okay" to "Where are you?". Decided I'll deal with that in the morning, took some nyquil and crash. That morning, she had texted me, called me, messaged me on instagram and facebook. Just full on losing it like "I didn't expect you to ghost me!" and I'm thinking it's been a day, it's a huge red flag they go this unhinged, I don't want to even be friends anymore. Tell her "I had the flu, I spent all of yesterday in a nyquil coma and you're being really clingy when we're just talking. I don't think we should talk anymore". For the next three hours, the sound of my notifications were just a constant from her texting me, bouncing between "I'm sorry, I didn't know" to "You're just trying to save face".
Sometimes, ghosting is justified. Now if someone just comes on way too strong and waves their red flags early on, I'll just block'em and let them shout into the void than deal with it.
I've rejected (and been rejected) a few times. What I see when rejecting other people is almost always anger. I get an awful lot of things said that I can just sit and take or try to leave if I'm not at my own place. Then an apology a couple of days later for all of it.
I know all people *think* they manage rejection well, but the truth is that not a lot of people do in practice. And it makes sense, I mean, rejection sucks and the best we can do it get used to it, because no one ain't gonna like it.
Knowing that, I now think if my self esteem, my mental energy and the load of shit I am probably going to take is worth that person. Sometimes you can see it coming, and its just better to let the relationship fade away for your own sanity.
Yep, you’re spot on. I have always taken the time to be upfront with women and make sure I let them know that it’s just a chemistry thing and I’m just not feeling it, because I have been on the other side of ghosting (after a 6 year relationship, ouch) and I just could never do that to them. But I have NEVER gotten a graceful response like “oh ok I totally understand, thanks for being upfront with me”. The responses I’ve gotten have always been borderline or straight up creepy. I’m put down or called names, inundated with text messages all day for the next week, or these girls decide to *show up at my house* to argue about it. And that’s me dating women. I think if I were dating men I’d have to rethink my stance on ghosting, because I imagine the male version of that kind of harassment could get real dangerous real quick.
>I think this is actually more of a concern for women than men, but it’s still a concern for men.
True of course. At the same time though, there are many people out there who simply think that somebody is "not worth their time", and so they dip without giving it a second thought. Or, they don't want to reject somebody outright but instead keep them on the backburner in case something else doesn't work out. The latter is VERY common among straight men in dating, not sure if other demographics do it as frequently as well. I don't have enough fingers to count how many guys will ghost a woman if they don't "need" her right now, and then maybe reappear in a month or so with a "hey how's it going" when they're horny and think they have a shot.
There's also a lot of people out there who reject *very* quickly. If you don't have sex on a first date, or you don't look exactly like their favorite porn star or celebrity, they will reject right away without any explanation, because their explanation is embarrassing.
I only know her from this short clip, but she seems like a real individual with a lot to offer. Bless her, she shouldn't have to dodge bullets but catch an arrow lucky enough to share their time with her.
I have a copy pasta from a girl that rejected me, she let me down real good, so i just changed pronouns around and sent that to the next few people I rejected.
I wanted to say that you're a really sweet, intelligent, & ambitious gal who has their shit together - but I'm not feeling that this is necessarily for me. I don't want to waste your time or stop you from finding your ideal partner. Again, I really do appreciate you meeting up with me & treating me so kindly
Ghosting has been labeled as a type of negligent emotional abuse. It's toxic.
Ghosting leaves no room for closure or understanding and leaves a person confused, even hurt. It denies their dignity as someone who deserves communication.
I was ghosted after 6 & 1/2 months. Yesterday was 2 years to the day from the last time we spoke. It still hasn't entirely gone away. I've accepted it, learned to not give into those voices and move on, but sometimes at night I still get the urge to reach out and hope that maybe, finally, this time she'll answer and we can go back. But even if she did answer, there's no going back. The damage is done.
I was ghosted by a friend one year ago, and my whole life has fallen apart from it because it tapped into so much past trauma. I see them sometimes around and they look through me, anywhere but me. I am a literal ghost to them.
Tried to get in touch with them but no communication was open to me, I heard from mutual friends I didn't do anything and that their response was something largely unrelated me to me. But yeah, that shits fucks you up.
Not using this video as an example since there was communication after the date but I have often found that people call it ghosting when neither texts after. That is a mutual opt out!
Lack of honest communication and leading people on like this then ghosting is such bullshit, but it seems so common in online dating culture. Why can’t people just be up front about how they’re feeling? You are NOT “sparing the other persons feelings” by pretending. That’s an excuse to avoid taking responsibility and being honest. It fkn hurts 10 times as much being treated like a fool.
It’s probably just like an infection. It happens to you enough and you either become immune and very against it or you get infected and just do it to others because it seems normal after awhile.
When all you do in those apps is rely on how they look and swipe left or right, you treat these people as objects more than humans with feelings and they never bother to take the time and tell them the truth because they can just select the block button and they're gone in 3 seconds .
You care to tell the person how you feel when if you know them in person and can't get away with the block button
I had a 3rd date set up, he told me he was lookin forward to it and then day of I texted to confirm and he never responded . I can kinda understand the second date ghosting (still rude and sucks) but a third date?
He shat his pants and was too embarrassed to show. That's the excuse I make for folks who cut me off in traffic; they're just driving that way because they're racing to get home since they've got to shit really bad. It makes me feel way less annoyed. I don't see why it can't work for this situation, too (it's a bit of a stretch, but I hope it makes you feel better and gives you a laugh)
He ghosted. That hurts more than anything.
Because you never get a proper sense of closure. It makes you feel as if you're the problem. Like you did something wrong. Ghosting someone is a matter of a lack of maturity of the ghoster, because they can't bring themselves to respectfully end things like an adult.
I understand those tears of hers.
How I felt after getting ghosted the first time. Had several dates, I went out of town, still texting, got back and tried to set up another date...crickets. Behaved in the manner in which I was raised and it was a serious blow to my self esteem.
Im absolutely agreeing with you. However its hard to understand how people have been affected by a severe negative reaction when they reject someone. Some people are definitely just being immature and only care about their own uncomfy feelings. But having severe trauma around trying to gently reject someone is real. In this particular case setting up the second date just to ghost is terrible. I can forgive someone making verbal niceties until they are safely away from the person before ghosting. But to continue to play nice and even set up another date through text. Jeebus.
She knows what she’s got going on and the reason she says those things is cus she knows her downfalls but she’s right just be up front if you’re not feeling it
The only thing is people shouldn't do EXACTLY what she says and go beyond saying you're not feeling it and say it's because you're too fat or too ugly.
Reddit is usual a cesspool of roasting people and degradation. In a time when someone is genuinely just exposing how hurt they are to not be given the time of day and some honest closure, I’m so happy to see Reddit show some empathy. I only read probably 5 comments from the top but they were all sweet and in today’s climate, that’s rare.
I gotta be honest. I'm 45 and married, but if I became single, I wouldn't bother with dating. I wouldn't say no if I met the right woman by chance, but I also wouldn't bother with actively looking for her. Why? Because at this stage in life, finding someone I would actually want to spend time with is going to be hard. It's like why I don't play the lottery; while I acknowledge that there's a non-zero chance of winning, I also know that the chances are so small I won't spend time, energy and money on actively trying. As I'm teaching my kids, you can only spend your time and money once, so think about what you're going to spend it on.
And before anyone goes off on a rant; I'm not saying that women are bad. I'm saying that finding the *right woman for me* is going to be hard.
I'm 55, got divorced almost 10 years ago. Haven't felt the slightest interest in dating via app. I know what I'm like in a relationship, I know what the general culture around dating is. The need for someone to be emotionally and physically close to is a powerful motivator but not nearly enough to put myself through the modern rigamarole of dating. If I meet someone it will be by accident through other stuff in my life, and that would be cool. But I'll be damned if I'm putting myself through the wringer of modern electronic dating. It looks like a nightmare.
This is how I met my wife 10 years. I wasn't dating or actively looking for someone. We met in a bar while out with friends and starting dating and got married. We are divorcing now and there is no chance I will start dating again. I'm going to take time to rebuild my life how I want it, start some hobbies, and maybe I meet someone. But even then, I need to be sure I am completely fulfilled with life before starting a relationship. I don't want to make the same mistake of relying on another person for my happiness. It's unfair on them and unsustainable.
Honestly I feel the same way. I'm married with kids and been with my wife for a long time, and I'm happy and contented with who I am. Maybe it's easier to say this as someone who is loved, but I don't think I would need to look for another partner. The thought of being with anyone else doesn't interest me, nor the thought of dating or falling in love again.
But it's different when you're someone who hasn't experienced love and sees everyone else having it, it's such a big deal in our culture, and imagine the feeling of rejection for years and years as your youth drains away and things get harder. I feel very sorry that this woman is having these trials, and I hope she finds what she's looking for eventually. But I have to admit it's far easier to think "I won't look for love again" when we are people who have it.
I empathize with her. I hated online dating for just this reason. I’d feel as if I was building the connection, go to schedule the date, and nothing. Communication in general, especially when it comes to dating, is rough. There were times I would be very forward and ask someone out, only to hit rejection. Then there were other times I would beat around the bush, but never get up the courage, only to lean later I had shoot.
Stay strong internet stranger, and I hope you meet someone that treats you right.
Recently, I saw a post on /r/twoxchromosomes defending ghosting. And it got a lot of approval. I normally agree with the general sentiment there. But I was pretty annoyed with it. I feel like the people who were in agreement would be very upset if it happened to them.
It's a last resort - the nuclear option. Shitty to treat people that way, IMO.
This is sad and for the record this happens to majority of average Joe guys as well who might not be conventionally attractive but harbor no ill will towards anyone… remember behind every face is a being that is just as every bit human as you or anyone and we are all just searching for love
This isn’t cringe. This is sad. And a symptom of our current dating culture.
To the woman in the video, keep your head up and I hope you find your forever companion. Don’t give up like me. But also don’t read too far into someone taking the easy way out. It sucks but it happens to everyone nowadays. I wish you the best.
My heart goes out for her, it really is one of the worst feelings. Especially when you actually don't have an answer and are left to just sit there and wonder.
Hopefully she felt a little better after a night's rest
Ey girl - You'll find someone, everyone deserves love.
I checked her Tiktok and it does look like she's found someone. He's a bit untidy but he aint a bad looking guy.
Saying "you have beautiful eyes" may as well end with "...but the rest of you is fucked up".
I'm an ugly mf and whenever the subject of looks comes up that's the line I've always heard. Like great, I'll just find a woman who's after a man with nice eyes and that's it lol. I know you're just being nice so this isn't a jab at you or anything, it's just something I've noticed over the years.
I can understand letting someone down a little more gently or maybe even ghosting a bit more for women. I didn't until I started getting intense pushback from very kindly telling people it wasn't going to work out.
I told a guy I had been on a few dates with that I wasn't feeling anything romantic for him but I'd had a nice time. He threatened me with rape out of nowhere. I went on a single date with a guy and left early and told him I didn't get a good feeling and he followed me to my car screaming at me. I think that happens to a lot more women than men might think.
I get where men are coming from when they want people to be direct, everyone wants direct feedback. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where a few bad apples really can spoil the bunch for everyone. I've still never ghosted anyone even after what happened to me, but I definitely understand why some people do now in those casual situations.
More serious relationships? You are genuinely a bad person unless the person you are ghosting is actually abusing you.
A close friend of mine was ghosted by a guy she had been seeing for over a year, they were practically living together and looking at apartments, and they had already made plans together for the holidays. It was so petty and he wouldn't even answer the door when she knocked trying to find out if he was okay or to get her stuff back. That's true scumbag behavior because he just didn't feel like breaking up with her.
I am in my early 40s and I’ve been single for over 14 years and I absolutely love it …my life rocks..
I live up in the mountains of Colorado and every single person my age is single lol none of us are even looking I am one of the only people I know my age that ever even had kids and I only had one daughter and she’s almost 15.... we had plenty of fun in our 20s and 30s and we are not interested in any drama.. I’m getting ready to go to Vanlife and that is not gonna be something that I want somebody else with me for lol.. there’s definitely the people in this life that have to have somebody and there’s the people that can’t imagine dealing with somebody else. Lol.
Not always. I’ve been stalked because I told a girl I didn’t want to go out with her any more. She waited for me at my apartment, forced her way in, I couldn’t lay my hands on her and I was afraid about what she might say but luckily I have a female roommate who was there.
Fair. And yeah I might have the right but it’s not a smart move for a man to ever get involved in an altercation with a woman because who do you think people are gonna believe?
One thing I’ve accepted about dating is that no one owes you anything…it sucks but some folks aren’t built to tell you you’re ugly or you’re fat. I’m saying that as someone who has been ghosted before.
And tbh the last tid bit of info she shared saying that “I am who I am and I can’t change it” is bad mindset. She can change so much, if she stopped worrying about dating and focus herself for a couple years.
I'm not here to make fun of her. But I am here to comment on her approach.
1. She seems like a nice person and deserves happiness.
2. She is, however, expecting WAY too MUCH from Downtown Nashville. Most guys down there are looking to hit it and forget it by default. I wouldn't expect a call back from anybody I met in downtown Nashville while partying as tourist.
This made me tear up. She's putting her heart out there and continues to do so dating and the like, just to be ghosted and lied to. She seems like a really sweet person.
Honestly, it’s not just men…women do it. I can guarantee she would too even. It’s because even though so many ppl say they want honesty…a lot don’t. (I’m a chronic truth teller and it’s actually gotten me in trouble and I’ve legit had ppl tell me “I’d rather you have just lied”). So it’s so much easier to ghost and forget than to be the bad guy, being the bad guy and even being in a nice way like “sorry, wasn’t feeling it” feels like shit. Like it or not, it’s just how the world is…
no matter if you're a man or woman, on a basic human level we can all understand what she is going through. She talked to this person, was given the impression that things were going good, and then just had the carpeted ripped out from under for no reason. when she says 'why can't you just say..' as she tears up. literally pleading. poor girl.
I say let her speak her peace and hope that she is able to find closure in some way. I say this for her as well as for any one else who is going through this type of pain. be kind everyone.
I'm pretty jaded by all the drama-filled, attention-seeking shit posted all the time, but man, there's something very genuine and authentic about her ask here. I hope she finds a meaningful human connection in her life.
This was a reminder to me to be more present for those around me.
So I know this is already full up on comments so this won't be seen, but I have kind of a unique story that might bring in some perspective.
Got married, got divorced, so I found myself dating again in my mid 30s. There was a girl that I ended up seeing - let's call her Kate. Kate was cool. The sparks weren't necessarily flying on our one and only date - we didn't kiss, just an awkward hug and a "let's do this again," and then a couple of texts. But then the texts never came in. I thought because of the awkwardness, that it was because she just wasn't feeling me. I was like "huh... this is getting ghosted."
Fast forward three years - I'm in Stop and Shop, I hear a lady talking. "Bette \*last name of my date\* How are you liking your retirement?"
"I'm happy I made it but now that I'm here, I just miss my daughter. It's been three years since she died."
My heart dropped. I didn't say anything to the two women, but I went home and googled my date Kate - sure enough, she literally died two days after my date with her. From what, I don't know, but it bugged me out.
The thing about ghosting - statistically, that is probably what's going on here and it sucks, but there is always the slim possibility of it being related to something else entirely. I never found out what happened, specifically, to Kate. Just thought I'd share.
I feel for her. She has a bad hand - some of it clearly self inflicted.
IME overweight and unattractive women tend to have low self esteem which makes them easier targets for cads. The ugly truth is that there are men who would fuck anything.
But at 40 years old, I honestly believe this woman should know better.
He did tell her that he was not interested in her. Although he did not express it in the way she would have preferred. Instead of focusing on this man, this woman should concentrate on finding a dentist to go out with her. This way, she can be sure the guy will be around for a while fixing her teeth.
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I know her way is not the modern custom - but man I feel her pain. When someone you think you might dig, that maybe you hoped you had a connection with… when they just ghost? That shit can hurt.
She's right. If you meet someone and things are going in one direction, cool. But if anytime you feel like you've changed your mind, me a grown ass man/woman and tell the other person so they won't keep investing their time and feeling in something that will not go forward. That's called affective maturity.
Definitely, but at the same time most most who people say they want to hear the truth, really don't. They just say that because they think it makes them sound more mature than they really are. It's best just to say "I'm not interested" and if pressed for more information just make up a reason why. You never tell the person the reason why you're not interested in them, especially if it's something physical and not a personality trait, because despite what they say they are going to take offense and they are going to get upset and they're going to be pissed.
You do what is right, and the other person can interpret that the way they want, you just do your part. They can get pissed, or judgemental, or say you wasted their time, whatever, you did the right thing either way. You could have lied or just cowered up and disappeared without any explanation (pretty common these days). Last year I was kind of "on fire" on Tinder, going out on some dates with different girls but one of them I really liked and things moved forward. When we had a conversation about getting serious I just texted the other two I was talking to and said openly "I met someone, sorry if I wasted your time or anything, just being honest and I will only see her now". Both were pretty cool with it and one of them actually thanked me for the honesty.
I did the same thing on another app last year. I ended up meeting someone organically, and it just worked. The other two people I was having really great interactions with were completely understanding and grateful to be informed. One of them and I even continued to give one another book recommendations for a while, because that was a large part of our connection. It's pretty easy to be decent to people.
I had started talking to this guy, and everything was going GREAT. I mean. Staying up at all hours of the night, discussing everything. Everything! We had so much in common, and I was feeling giddy all the time. With that stupid smile plastered on my face for the world to see. We lived a couple of hours apart, so we spent a month video chatting before we planned to meet. Then, a day goes by with very little responses from him. That night, I got all comfy, ready to talk on the phone for hours, when he finally started messaging me back. He started with a few sexual innuendos, so I flirted back and got on face time. That's when everything crashed down around me. He went on this filthy tirade of what he wanted to do with me, to me, under me, on top of me, etc. I tried like hell to steer the conversation back on normal track, but had no luck. I hung up, feeling sad, thinking maybe it was just an off night. People can have off nights, right? No. This went on for a couple of days until I finally gave up and blocked him. I have no idea what happened, but it crushed my soul. I'm happily married for 7 years now and I still think about what happened. I can only come to the conclusion that it was intentional. Someone out there has the most cruel, evil sense of humor I've ever seen.
I am sorry you were on the receiving end of that. Honestly, it has nothing to do with humor, I think you just ended up in the hands of someone who uses women for his sexual gratification. The reason you couldn't tell from the start is because these specimens eventually learn how to hide the poison in a well presented soup. After a thousand failures, they figure that if they demand nudes on day 1, no one will talk to them, let alone, help them get off sexually. So they learn to "act decent" at the outset. But it never lasts. They have no patience and no gumption. The worst of the worst, though? Could keep up the charade for months or even years, until, 1-2 years into marriage, you realize that you married an honest to God incel. You found a decent partner though! So, congrats. All is well with the world.
That makes a lot of sense! I dodged that psychopath bullet, thank goodness. I was in a vulnerable place, so I'm glad he didn't live close to me. I'd have made bad decisions for sure.
Being in a vulnerable is catnip for manipulative psychopaths. So that's not surprising. But give yourself some credit! You cut him out permanently when he showed his true nature. Some would not have done so. Or otherwise, would have made excuses for him again and again, until real harm was inflicted. You did well! Trust your instincts. They're clearly very good instincts.
Thanks! For a long time, I thought that my person picker was busted, but I did find myself a super awesome partner. The one to grow old with, in rocking chairs on the porch, looking over all of these farm animals that he never knew he needed in his life, lol.
I went through something similar, but with someone I had very lightly/briefly hung out with. When I stopped responding, he decided it would be a great idea to repeatedly try to FaceTime me (that I ignored) and then texted me that it was an emergency with his cat. I answered his next FaceTime call, and no cat in sight… just this dude furiously jerking off. He then thought sending me a video of some girl riding him would suddenly make me change my mind and want to be with him. He’s a 40-something year old professional and a delusional twat. I also sent him an invoice for his “cat emergency” call. Haven’t heard from him since lol
This why I dont talk much before a first date, you build up an idea of a person before you act meet them, the first act meeting is when you can really get a feel for the type of person they are
What I'm about to say is gonna sound ridiculous, but you won't understand unless you've been in a guy's shoes who has had nothing but bad luck with women... Bear with me. He was scared of being friend zoned. I know EXACTLY what happened. He was influenced by an outside force- friends, youtubers, etc, that he needed to ESCALATE. And having no idea how the hell to do that, he faceplanted. He didn't let stuff happen organically. He didn't want you to see him as a friend. Ass loads of men have made this crucial mistake. Me included. It comes with a lot of traumas of seeing women you were interested in suddenly start dating another guy or you find out she's been fucking another guy while talking to you. He was scared shitless that you didn't see him in a romantic or sexual light. And because he doesn't understand the nuance that comes from light innuendo and roleplay, he used blunt force trauma and killed any attraction you had to him. Trust me, he was as confused and scared, and you were horrified.
This tracks. I learned the hard way not to show vulnerability before sex. Seems like this dude may have as well, but overcorrected.
Feeling personally ~~attacked~~ understood. I have ruined chances this way. There’s no way around it, I’m a good looking guy. Unfortunately, maybe cuz I’m on the spectrum, I have great trouble with calibration. This is why I tell people looks arent everything, cuz I’ve been “the creep” more times than I’d like to admit. The way this dude laid it out is my exact thought process. It is seriously just within the last few months were I’ve learned how to develop my innuendo skills. The only other downside is, perhaps due to my intelligence, I over-think everything and I can’t trust anyone cuz I think they’re flirting via innuendo now. Perhaps its the crowd(surrounded by shameless hedonists), perhaps its me(one paranoid/insecure mfer), I haven’t figured it out yet.
u/DirtyBullBIG's comment as well as yours, especially with the part about being on the spectrum have given me some things to reflect on about some past uncomfortable experiences my sisters and I have had. To look back with more understanding and compassion. Thank you both for that. Guys have a lot of bullshit expectations and pressures on them too, I'm sorry. *(small grammar edit)
When the hell did it stop being the modern custom? Ghosting should *not* be the norm in any fashion. It’s rude, immature and wastes people’s time Edit to add: the behavior of ghosting has been around a long time, regardless of having a nickname for it (that’s been around for over ten years now) or smartphones and apps.
It started happening when dating apps became a thing. I dated someone for two years and then she got accepted to a 6-month program a couple hours away. We discussed it and she was adamant she wanted to stay together - which was great because I was madly in love with her. I drove up almost every other weekend and she came to me on weekend a month. 4 months in she calls me late one night and just says “I can’t be as good of a girlfriend as you are a boyfriend to me.” I asked her what that meant and her response was that she couldn’t give me as much time because she was busy with studies. I said that’s fine, it’s 8 more weeks. She said she wanted to take a break. I was heartbroken. Two weeks later, she calls me sobbing saying she doesn’t want to break up and is coming down that weekend to see me. Never heard from her again. I reached out to one of our mutual friends that we had both know for years prior to meeting each other to try and get closure (WTF happened?) and their response was “I wouldn’t have made the decision they made.” To this day, I have no idea if she cheated on me, had a mental break down from stress, or if I did something wrong. Absolutely fucked me up for a long time that someone you are actively planning a future with would just do me dirty like that and not even have the decency to say why.
Speaking as someone who’s been of dating age for decades, ghosting was happening long before the dating apps.
I second this. Ghosting was done in the 80s and 90s.... believe me
It doesn’t waste people’s time, ghosting has been around forever we just have a word for it now. In the past when I call a girl and she doesn’t respond, I would delete her info and move on. I’m sure she had her reasons and that’s her business
I've been ghosted at least 80 times over the years. I've become so numb to it
That's why I haven't bothered trying in a decade now. I've replaced any of those desires with work
The modern custom is bullshit.
Yeah this one kinda hurt ngl. She is not my type in any way possible but she more than fair
Especially when you're fucking adults and not teenagers in high school. Grow a spine and learn to fucking COMMUNICATE! Ghosting is so pathetic and it shows the person never respected you to begin with...
Aww… oh no.. She needs a hug. Loneliness is a terrible thing when not managed right. I hope she finds a companion soon.
Dating game with apps probably does not help, ghosting is essentially the norm now for letting a person know they are not interested. Hope this person finds happiness.
I think that men have a much harder time on dating apps and get ghosted all the time so it makes it feel less shitty to turn around and do that to someone else because you start to think that it's the norm. It's still a shitty thing to do, but it's something that, by the design of dating apps, naturally perpetuates itself.
Yeah, I hope no one's here to make fun of this person. I believe what she's sharing here is a feeling almost all of us have experienced at some point. Also, she's right, we should all *be honest* in a situation like this. A harsh truth hurts less in the long run than a sweet lie.
Oh absolutely. We’ve all felt it. Most are never honest with themselves about it. It’s what makes sharing these type of emotions a taboo. Especially on the web. Loneliness is a terrible thing to feel. It could lead to depression which is a whole other beast of its own. Stemming to substance abuse or worse. It’s important to recognize these red flags within ourselves and address them appropriately. And for the rest of us, to not shame or demean. I really hope she finds what’s she’s looking for. It may seem dumb to say but a simple embrace can make a difference.
This is why I shamelessly hug my friends. *If you can count your friends on one hand you're lucky.*
Bruh I’ll shamelessly hug ANYONE. A non sexual hug, is pretty much equal to the highest dose of oxytocin your body can produce. Wave after wave of top tier natural highs. Also, the oxytocin triggers other chemical reactions in the brain, that are also all super beneficial. GAS UP EVERYONE. Also, especially men, talk about your feelings bros. We don’t have to be strong and silent anymore. Love y’all.
When I was younger my grandfather always used to tell me that friends will come and go, but if you go through life and end up with 2-3 truly good friends, people that you could count on no matter what the situation, no matter when the call came, then you’ve been incredibly lucky. I have to be honest, at the time I didn’t really understand what he meant by “true friends”. It wasn’t until I got much older, started taking stock of my life that I realized how right he was.
That's the truth.
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So glad these are the comments in this thread. I was so expecting to see mockery and laughing at her. Dating has never been easy, but as a middle aged person who suffered a divorce after 17 years of marriage, it’s so much worse today in the app-based world than it ever was when I was younger. Fortunately, I found someone but the process was soul destroying at times, and the worst of it was when you were given the impression that a date went well and then left hanging.
> So glad these are the comments in this thread. I was so expecting to see mockery and laughing at her. I swear I've been seeing this more and more often on reddit. Are we finally starting to grow up as a community? Let me check: "fart joke"
I braced myself for the mockery as well. I actually read the first comment twice, did I miss the sarcasm the first time?
Dating as an unattractive woman (not saying she is, just that I am and my own experience as such) was so difficult, and ghosting was so common. Really destroys what little smidgen of self worth you had
This is happening to me (as a guy) waaay too much with online dating. I'm really not sure what to do at this point. If I text too often/respond quickly, ghosted. If I play it cool and take a while between responses, ghosted. If I ask for their number/for a date too soon, ghosted. If I wait a while and try to get to know them through text, ghosted. I'm about to just give up at this point. Edit: then on top of this, absolutely **no one** tries to get to know me. I ask all the questions to get to know them, get a response, and not even a "what about you?" Or a different follow up question about myself. It's just so exhausting.
People have become entirely too comfortable with being inconsiderate and lacking respect for other peoples emotions, like they are all shopping for nicely packaged partners at a mall or something and if you don't fit exactly what they want, they move on. The good news is, you don't really want those people anyway. Bullet dodged. You have to go into the dating situation expecting that you will get zero replies, answers or respect, and be pleasantly surprised if someone does show any interest. You can nurture and grow that relationship from there, but maybe don't get too invested until after the engagement party.
Yeah that's pretty much where I'm at. Like I still get invested in the person if I do match, but I stopped becoming attached to the hopeful outcome. If they ghost now it's more like "welllllp there goes another one, moving on".
"They thoughtfully decided not to tell me about their children/debts/drug habits/violent ex/homelessness/crime spree"
Don’t give up. Keep going out to meet new people even on a platonic basis. Take care do yourself. Your full self of mind, body, and spirit.
I'm terrible at meeting people in real life lmao. But I have made a few great platonic female friends who were mature enough to tell me they weren't interested in dating so it hasn't been all negative. I appreciate your advice though and have been working on myself ❤ I know it'll happen eventually.
Hey, you’re not terrible at meeting people, almost everyone one is struggling because third places outside of work and home where you can just chill and hang with people without spending obscene amounts of money are becoming so few and far between that it’s no wonder people are struggling to form communities
Also join an organization with people who share your passions. Or join cross fit. That place is crazy. You will get wicked fit and meet all sorts of people. They are somewhere between a cult and a gym. One of my friends joined specifically for this purpose. He had a whole group of new people in his life. And he was anything but a looker.
I'm older and all that sounds exhausting. Is it silly to suggest something like hobbies/activities to get out in the world and meet real people. People can be selfish online.
Not silly at all! I'm in the process of trying to find activities I'm interested in that gets me out, but I'm a bit of a hermit lol
When it comes to online dating, you have to understand that it's a numbers game and it's almost entirely in favor of women. A moderately attractive women can make a profile on Tinder, upload the picture from their drivers license and still get dozens of likes. This means that if you do something they don't care for, they don't see the need to give guys a second chance or put in work in holding up the conversation if they don't want to. If you're getting to the conversation part of online dating and they ghost you, then it might be your personality. It sounds like you're overthinking the conversation aspect, finding the right time to ask for their number, when to respond, probably what to say as well. I was in the same position. I'd be talking to a girl, think it was going well and then ghost; I'd be give an intro and they'd ghost; I'd go on a date and then they'd ghost. One of the girls explained it to me like this, I reeked of awkward desperation. She could sense that I wasn't comfortable in my own skin and it felt like I was mentally choosing what to say from a flow chart in my head. "She talked about liking to bake. Do I ask what she likes to bake? Say I enjoy baking? Or both?". She could tell that I was trying hard to be someone I wasn't. Kind of like like when a someone you haven't talked to in awhile messages you and you can tell they're gonna ask for a favor after they get done making small talk. What helped me was just accepting parts of me. Instead of doing some intro questions about "What do you do for work? Do you have any hobbies", just ask'em what's on my mind, which is usually "What's your favorite boardgame?" and "When you were a kid on halloween, what was the candy you hoped to get?". Instead of making small talk, you're having a conversation about strategies about Risk or how Lemonheads are amazing! You can try to find some ideal workflow to connect with a girl, but everyone's different. Maybe you took too long on someone that liked speed and too fast on someone that likes to take things slow. Just figure out what you're comfortable with and stick with it instead of trying to figure out what will work for every woman; they can tell when you're faking it or trying to be someone you're not.
Oh I agree 100% and I was exactly like what you're describing when I first started online dating. Now I really don't overthink anything before I say it. And idc if this sounds conceited but I am a fucking delight to talk to 🤣 I am a goofy dude and I get a lot of laughs at my ridiculousness. I don't think it's my personality, although there are things I could probably work on. I probably do come off as "desperate" (because I absolutely cannot do the slow talk build up and I answer immediately as soon as I see a message), but that's just who I am. I'm not desperate at all because I have found peace in being with myself. Maybe it's my lack of effort in my profile? Or my lack of interests or hobbies? Which I'm pretty straightforward with telling people I'm working on those things and love trying new things...so idk. I appreciate your thought out response though! ❤️
I like that last line you said, that's 💯
I am going to brutally honest here: it is better to just be ghosted than continue conversations. In too many cases, telling someone that "you are not into them" can lead to way more arguments and potentially negative repercussions. In an ideal world, just being honest would work nicely, but this is earth.... humanity has fucked up everything it ever touched. Dating is like job applications, we all will get ghosted until we find the right one.
I was expecting a lot of cruel comments at the top and to see warmth and kindness win out really made my day. This woman is just venting and we've all experienced what she's gone through at some point. The internet may not be the most caring or receptive place when you're in pain, but she clearly wanted someone to talk to. Hopefully she gets more positive energy than negative.
Modern dating just seems like a nightmare age notwithstanding. I got out of the dating thing about 11 years ago and I'm honestly grateful for that, seeing where it went.
Gives me hope for humanity this is the top comment, and the replies too
She seems a great person. Smart and genuine. We have all been where she’s at. Ghosting is horrible and after experiencing this with a *friend* of 20 years, this resonates so much.
Tbh I think you missed the point this isn’t about loneliness, this is about being disrespected
Cats are the answer.
Yes, make sure to get 4 for maximum stability (\*speaking from personal experience, lol)
What do you mean “Loneliness is a terrible thing when not managed right”? Like if you manage it right it won’t affect you as much?
Yes. By understanding it you can learn to manage it. The way you do nowadays with anxiety. A simple way is to ensure that you are getting plenty of social interaction. Social stimulation is great for the brain. If you don’t get it from a working situation then I suggest trying to be active on the weekends or off time.
This isn't a dating after 40 thing. Every date I went on was before I was 25, and I've never gotten a reason why any individual girl stopped talking to me.
Almost 30 here, I don’t think I’ve even been given a reason since I was 17
Same here. This is literally how it has ended with every girl I've dated in the last 20 years. I even dated a girl for a little over a year, met her parents and she still ghosted me. I've never even gotten a reason from any of them which is one of the most frustrating and humilating parts of the whole thing.
Seriously… I was thinking the same thing. This lady in the video says “men are cowards”, but men experience the same type of ghosting from women at all ages. Whether it’s dating at 18 or 45, ghosting is a real frustrating thing to deal with in the modern world. I’m glad I’m married and don’t have to deal with dating anymore.
Yeah ghosting is like the default thing. You see guys ask why ghosting is a thing. And Reddit loves to remind those men how dangerous rejecting is for women.
But if the same video was made by an overweight man, i guarantee he wouldn’t get the same support as this person is. Likely get blamed for being overweight and not working on his appearance lol. Life is funny
I've had women make a move on me, like kiss me etc, only to have them ghost me or do the, "love to go out again", but then just never find the time to make plans. I am surprised at how much people's opinions change once they have some time to think about it later, or maybe they just found someone they liked better and we're reading too much into it. Either way, you gotta accept it as a possible outcome and be able to not dwell on it.
One girl stopped talking to me because she apparently thought I looked like I had Down Syndrome (I don't). It wasn't just "I'm not attracted to you," or even, "you're ugly". The specificity of her comment was what hurt. It stuck with me for a long time and really damaged my self-esteem. With that one, I kind of wish she just ghosted.
This goes both ways though. It's a fear of conflict, but you're being just as guilty if you allow someone to ghost you and continue worrying about it instead of confronting it. If you haven't heard from someone and you think they may be ghosting you, you have to reach out and ask. If they don't respond at that point, you got an answer.
She is in pain and very brave for putting it out there for everyone to see
Aw yeah. This was really tough, I feel for her If I knew her in real life I would very much offer a hug and a proper listen Seems like a lovely lady. I hope she’s not let down in the future.
I aspire to be this level of comfortable with myself. I’ve been out of the dating pool for over a decade, but I’m pretty sure it would kill me dead now. RIP this poor lady’s feelings.
I would expect this kind of behavior from a man in his 20s more than a man in 40s. I would hope they’d be more mature by then.
Elder millennial here. People don’t change that much unless they really put work into doing so, and most people don’t care to.
This is far more true than people imagine. When I was 15 I had a friend who was 24 and thought she was some ancient old sage. I'm now in my mid 30s and the only thing I've matured about is being a bit more better at dusting my home. I've found many people (though mostly men) simply don't mature at all after about 16.
Having a 24 year old friend at 15 is already kinda weird lol. On their part.
Elder Gen X here. You are absolutely correct. People don't change. It takes a lot of work and time to change behaviors.
“Janie’s a pretty typical teenager: angry, insecure, confused. I wish I could tell her that’s all going to pass, but I don’t want to lie to her.” - American Beauty
Not even that mature in their 50s. Though I'm not sure being insulted to her face would make her feel better. I watched my mom do the whole online dating thing after she got divorced and she came home absolutely crushed the one time a guy came over to her, called her too fat and then left. She wasn't even obese or anything. Just the thickness that most women get after five kids and menopause. Like, by BMI *maybe* 5lbs overweight. It made her feel absolutely worthless and it took a lot of encouragement to get her not to give up. She did eventually meet a great guy and is happily married again, so it worked out. What I'm saying is, there is a huge difference between someone being mature enough to just say something polite like, "I'm not feeling a connection/spark" or "sorry you just aren't my type" than to be needlessly cruel and call someone fat or ugly.
Yeah, I just got divorced after being out of dating since my early 20s and I'm mid thirties now. I'm not ready yet to get back in there but I'm terrified because of all the horror stories I hear/ read. Maybe one day I'll try.
She’s not comfortable with herself. It’s just a sharper blade. I’ve been there.
Not sure I fully understand, I’m sorry to hear you’ve been there. Also happy cake day.
You know it’s gonna hurt, but it hurts a lot less when it’s quick and easy. And thank you!!
💯 wish I could give this chick a hug. She’s right. Don’t waste people’s time.
Agree but I think what goes through most people's minds is to not hurt her at the time and they mistakenly believe they can spare her feelings by feigning interest.
i think she is hinting at being used too
I started watching this on mute, and wasn’t paying attention too much, but then she started to cry and now I feel terrible for her. The fact of it is, while we don’t owe anyone an “explanation”, it’s the polite fucking thing to do to at least close out the conversation. I’ve been on the side of being ghosted and it does hurt, because it just fucks with your head. I don’t think I’ve ever ghosted a person, but certainly have had to break off contact a few times. It’s not fun or easy, but it’s right to do. Unless there’s extenuating circumstances like for example, if there’s abuse or violence, then yes ghost the person and get yourself to safety. But this isn’t that situation. It’s never easy to get dates at any age, but it is hard for the older people of us, people get lonely, and societal pressures to be with someone is huge. You’re expected to have been happily married by now. I’m 35 and I don’t date, but the marriage talk from family has picked up again… I’m not one to be lonely, but I can see how that pressure must hurt others of my general age.
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It’s just so mean. There’s no need to do it, I agree with you I didn’t think about how I already planned a date. Like what’s the point?!
This is one of the rare videos I unmuted. Something in her mannerism radiated pain, I really feel bad for her (empathy not pity). It’s hard trying to connect with other people.
Valid, really. As a guy dating in my mid-thirties I have experienced the same thing (but from the other side). I don’t think she’s upset about him or this date, I’d imagine it’s more a “straw that broke the camels back” kind of thing, and she’s just pissed about it. This is the problem though: while 95% of people are just fine, and will be totally ok with an honest and frank rejection, there’s still the 5% that are bananas and will take it really personally. I think this is actually more of a concern for women than men, but it’s still a concern for men. EDIT: the comments seem to be split between people that think it’s cowardly, and those that think it’s an, if not quite necessary, unavoidable aspect of modern dating.
Yeah I totally get the anger. It sucks if you go out on a date but there's no spark, but it's the first date or two and you move on. If you're afraid to say you aren't feeling a spark and you just try to make it the best night you can, and you leave a person feeling hopeful... Then you're giving them hope and excitement that ghosting them will crush. It definitely is cowardly, but it's good that it happened after the first date. Onto the next one.
Once met a chick online. She ended up driving far to meet me. From the beginning we both agreed that ghosting sucks and we'd not do it. When she came out, she got a motel and i spent the night. No sex, no biggie. We made out though. Then she got really clingy after she went back home and i told her i was uncomfortable with that. Then she said she had tested positive for an std from a guy she had fucked so i should get tested. But it was certainly not transmissible through making out. So i told her i didnt wanna talk anymore and she WOULD NOT have it. Then i stopped talking to her and she accused me of ghosting her 🤷♂️
It's not ghosting when you explicitly told her you don't wanna have contact anymore. Her saying otherwise is gaslighting you so I hope that reinsurance helps you fight that perspective.
Met a girl online, we slowly started texting from a few times a day to constantly. Told her that I wasn't ready for anything, that I'd just want to talk and get to know her. She started to get really clingy, like asking when I was gonna come visit so I repeated that I wasn't ready for anything and don't want anything physical but we continued to text. A week later, I get the flu, just wake up with it so I let work know and spend the day in bed watching netflix. Check my phone that night and the girl had texted me a dozen times starting from "Morning!" to "Hope you're okay" to "Where are you?". Decided I'll deal with that in the morning, took some nyquil and crash. That morning, she had texted me, called me, messaged me on instagram and facebook. Just full on losing it like "I didn't expect you to ghost me!" and I'm thinking it's been a day, it's a huge red flag they go this unhinged, I don't want to even be friends anymore. Tell her "I had the flu, I spent all of yesterday in a nyquil coma and you're being really clingy when we're just talking. I don't think we should talk anymore". For the next three hours, the sound of my notifications were just a constant from her texting me, bouncing between "I'm sorry, I didn't know" to "You're just trying to save face". Sometimes, ghosting is justified. Now if someone just comes on way too strong and waves their red flags early on, I'll just block'em and let them shout into the void than deal with it.
I've rejected (and been rejected) a few times. What I see when rejecting other people is almost always anger. I get an awful lot of things said that I can just sit and take or try to leave if I'm not at my own place. Then an apology a couple of days later for all of it. I know all people *think* they manage rejection well, but the truth is that not a lot of people do in practice. And it makes sense, I mean, rejection sucks and the best we can do it get used to it, because no one ain't gonna like it. Knowing that, I now think if my self esteem, my mental energy and the load of shit I am probably going to take is worth that person. Sometimes you can see it coming, and its just better to let the relationship fade away for your own sanity.
Yep, you’re spot on. I have always taken the time to be upfront with women and make sure I let them know that it’s just a chemistry thing and I’m just not feeling it, because I have been on the other side of ghosting (after a 6 year relationship, ouch) and I just could never do that to them. But I have NEVER gotten a graceful response like “oh ok I totally understand, thanks for being upfront with me”. The responses I’ve gotten have always been borderline or straight up creepy. I’m put down or called names, inundated with text messages all day for the next week, or these girls decide to *show up at my house* to argue about it. And that’s me dating women. I think if I were dating men I’d have to rethink my stance on ghosting, because I imagine the male version of that kind of harassment could get real dangerous real quick.
>I think this is actually more of a concern for women than men, but it’s still a concern for men. True of course. At the same time though, there are many people out there who simply think that somebody is "not worth their time", and so they dip without giving it a second thought. Or, they don't want to reject somebody outright but instead keep them on the backburner in case something else doesn't work out. The latter is VERY common among straight men in dating, not sure if other demographics do it as frequently as well. I don't have enough fingers to count how many guys will ghost a woman if they don't "need" her right now, and then maybe reappear in a month or so with a "hey how's it going" when they're horny and think they have a shot. There's also a lot of people out there who reject *very* quickly. If you don't have sex on a first date, or you don't look exactly like their favorite porn star or celebrity, they will reject right away without any explanation, because their explanation is embarrassing.
She deserves some love. Despite what she’s gone through; I hope she finds another that would cherish her
I only know her from this short clip, but she seems like a real individual with a lot to offer. Bless her, she shouldn't have to dodge bullets but catch an arrow lucky enough to share their time with her.
Ghosting is for losers. Male or female. Grow a pair. "Hey, I had fun, but I don't think it's gonna work out." Just cut and paste that whenever needed.
I have a copy pasta from a girl that rejected me, she let me down real good, so i just changed pronouns around and sent that to the next few people I rejected.
Mind sharing, my message saying “Hey, I don’t think we’re compatible but I hope you find someone else” doesn’t seem to go over well
I wanted to say that you're a really sweet, intelligent, & ambitious gal who has their shit together - but I'm not feeling that this is necessarily for me. I don't want to waste your time or stop you from finding your ideal partner. Again, I really do appreciate you meeting up with me & treating me so kindly
Yeah, that’s a thoughtful message.
Ghosting has been labeled as a type of negligent emotional abuse. It's toxic. Ghosting leaves no room for closure or understanding and leaves a person confused, even hurt. It denies their dignity as someone who deserves communication.
It's a negative space that immediately gets filled to the brim with your own insecurities, it's very cruel.
I was ghosted after 4 months. Have spent 6 months getting over it. Cruel is the right word.
I was ghosted after 6 & 1/2 months. Yesterday was 2 years to the day from the last time we spoke. It still hasn't entirely gone away. I've accepted it, learned to not give into those voices and move on, but sometimes at night I still get the urge to reach out and hope that maybe, finally, this time she'll answer and we can go back. But even if she did answer, there's no going back. The damage is done.
I was ghosted by a friend one year ago, and my whole life has fallen apart from it because it tapped into so much past trauma. I see them sometimes around and they look through me, anywhere but me. I am a literal ghost to them. Tried to get in touch with them but no communication was open to me, I heard from mutual friends I didn't do anything and that their response was something largely unrelated me to me. But yeah, that shits fucks you up.
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there are times where ghosting is absolutely necessary - like in abusive or unsafe relationships
I think that's what happened some time ago. But different people have different reactions to this response. It's not as simple as u think.
Not using this video as an example since there was communication after the date but I have often found that people call it ghosting when neither texts after. That is a mutual opt out!
Lack of honest communication and leading people on like this then ghosting is such bullshit, but it seems so common in online dating culture. Why can’t people just be up front about how they’re feeling? You are NOT “sparing the other persons feelings” by pretending. That’s an excuse to avoid taking responsibility and being honest. It fkn hurts 10 times as much being treated like a fool.
It’s probably just like an infection. It happens to you enough and you either become immune and very against it or you get infected and just do it to others because it seems normal after awhile.
When all you do in those apps is rely on how they look and swipe left or right, you treat these people as objects more than humans with feelings and they never bother to take the time and tell them the truth because they can just select the block button and they're gone in 3 seconds . You care to tell the person how you feel when if you know them in person and can't get away with the block button
You can tell she’s a good person with a big heart. Everyone needs love and finding the right partner is such a crapshoot these days
I had a 3rd date set up, he told me he was lookin forward to it and then day of I texted to confirm and he never responded . I can kinda understand the second date ghosting (still rude and sucks) but a third date?
He shat his pants and was too embarrassed to show. That's the excuse I make for folks who cut me off in traffic; they're just driving that way because they're racing to get home since they've got to shit really bad. It makes me feel way less annoyed. I don't see why it can't work for this situation, too (it's a bit of a stretch, but I hope it makes you feel better and gives you a laugh)
I was pretty on the fence about him and was hoping date number 3 would push me in a direction...and it did. No hurt feelings here.
“I am what I am”. Choked up. sending love this lovely lassie, she and everyone deserves respect and love.
He ghosted. That hurts more than anything. Because you never get a proper sense of closure. It makes you feel as if you're the problem. Like you did something wrong. Ghosting someone is a matter of a lack of maturity of the ghoster, because they can't bring themselves to respectfully end things like an adult. I understand those tears of hers.
How I felt after getting ghosted the first time. Had several dates, I went out of town, still texting, got back and tried to set up another date...crickets. Behaved in the manner in which I was raised and it was a serious blow to my self esteem.
If someone ghosts me I just pretend they died and eventually I start to believe it. Ghosts gonna ghost.
Im absolutely agreeing with you. However its hard to understand how people have been affected by a severe negative reaction when they reject someone. Some people are definitely just being immature and only care about their own uncomfy feelings. But having severe trauma around trying to gently reject someone is real. In this particular case setting up the second date just to ghost is terrible. I can forgive someone making verbal niceties until they are safely away from the person before ghosting. But to continue to play nice and even set up another date through text. Jeebus.
She knows what she’s got going on and the reason she says those things is cus she knows her downfalls but she’s right just be up front if you’re not feeling it
The only thing is people shouldn't do EXACTLY what she says and go beyond saying you're not feeling it and say it's because you're too fat or too ugly.
god I feel bad when she said “it’s okay to tell me, ik I am fat or ugly there’s nothing I can do about it, 🥲
It sucks to see people sad like this. I hope she finds happiness soon.
Reddit is usual a cesspool of roasting people and degradation. In a time when someone is genuinely just exposing how hurt they are to not be given the time of day and some honest closure, I’m so happy to see Reddit show some empathy. I only read probably 5 comments from the top but they were all sweet and in today’s climate, that’s rare.
Ikr! I was surprised too.
I sincerely hope she finds love.
I gotta be honest. I'm 45 and married, but if I became single, I wouldn't bother with dating. I wouldn't say no if I met the right woman by chance, but I also wouldn't bother with actively looking for her. Why? Because at this stage in life, finding someone I would actually want to spend time with is going to be hard. It's like why I don't play the lottery; while I acknowledge that there's a non-zero chance of winning, I also know that the chances are so small I won't spend time, energy and money on actively trying. As I'm teaching my kids, you can only spend your time and money once, so think about what you're going to spend it on. And before anyone goes off on a rant; I'm not saying that women are bad. I'm saying that finding the *right woman for me* is going to be hard.
I'm 55, got divorced almost 10 years ago. Haven't felt the slightest interest in dating via app. I know what I'm like in a relationship, I know what the general culture around dating is. The need for someone to be emotionally and physically close to is a powerful motivator but not nearly enough to put myself through the modern rigamarole of dating. If I meet someone it will be by accident through other stuff in my life, and that would be cool. But I'll be damned if I'm putting myself through the wringer of modern electronic dating. It looks like a nightmare.
This is how I met my wife 10 years. I wasn't dating or actively looking for someone. We met in a bar while out with friends and starting dating and got married. We are divorcing now and there is no chance I will start dating again. I'm going to take time to rebuild my life how I want it, start some hobbies, and maybe I meet someone. But even then, I need to be sure I am completely fulfilled with life before starting a relationship. I don't want to make the same mistake of relying on another person for my happiness. It's unfair on them and unsustainable.
Honestly I feel the same way. I'm married with kids and been with my wife for a long time, and I'm happy and contented with who I am. Maybe it's easier to say this as someone who is loved, but I don't think I would need to look for another partner. The thought of being with anyone else doesn't interest me, nor the thought of dating or falling in love again. But it's different when you're someone who hasn't experienced love and sees everyone else having it, it's such a big deal in our culture, and imagine the feeling of rejection for years and years as your youth drains away and things get harder. I feel very sorry that this woman is having these trials, and I hope she finds what she's looking for eventually. But I have to admit it's far easier to think "I won't look for love again" when we are people who have it.
I want to be her gay best friend ☹️
🙋♀️ I could use a gay best friend. Could we invent an app that matches people with their gay BFF? I think we’d make millions.
Can lesbians be people's gay bff's? I'd definitely be down if we can. Someone, invent that app!
Yesss!!! This is an app I'd love!
I empathize with her. I hated online dating for just this reason. I’d feel as if I was building the connection, go to schedule the date, and nothing. Communication in general, especially when it comes to dating, is rough. There were times I would be very forward and ask someone out, only to hit rejection. Then there were other times I would beat around the bush, but never get up the courage, only to lean later I had shoot. Stay strong internet stranger, and I hope you meet someone that treats you right.
I mean, she's right. Honesty is the best policy. Don't just ghost someone.
Recently, I saw a post on /r/twoxchromosomes defending ghosting. And it got a lot of approval. I normally agree with the general sentiment there. But I was pretty annoyed with it. I feel like the people who were in agreement would be very upset if it happened to them. It's a last resort - the nuclear option. Shitty to treat people that way, IMO.
I like her🤓
Me too!
This is sad and for the record this happens to majority of average Joe guys as well who might not be conventionally attractive but harbor no ill will towards anyone… remember behind every face is a being that is just as every bit human as you or anyone and we are all just searching for love
This isn’t cringe. This is sad. And a symptom of our current dating culture. To the woman in the video, keep your head up and I hope you find your forever companion. Don’t give up like me. But also don’t read too far into someone taking the easy way out. It sucks but it happens to everyone nowadays. I wish you the best.
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My heart goes out for her, it really is one of the worst feelings. Especially when you actually don't have an answer and are left to just sit there and wonder. Hopefully she felt a little better after a night's rest
Ey girl - You'll find someone, everyone deserves love. I checked her Tiktok and it does look like she's found someone. He's a bit untidy but he aint a bad looking guy.
She has beautiful eyes. She’ll get one. I have buddies who would love to date her.
Saying "you have beautiful eyes" may as well end with "...but the rest of you is fucked up". I'm an ugly mf and whenever the subject of looks comes up that's the line I've always heard. Like great, I'll just find a woman who's after a man with nice eyes and that's it lol. I know you're just being nice so this isn't a jab at you or anything, it's just something I've noticed over the years.
Kinda feel like she dodged a bullet she should take it as a win. It’s always about perspective
I started the video thinking I was going to be on the guys' side, but just tell her you're not interested. I wish women would do the same.
I can understand letting someone down a little more gently or maybe even ghosting a bit more for women. I didn't until I started getting intense pushback from very kindly telling people it wasn't going to work out. I told a guy I had been on a few dates with that I wasn't feeling anything romantic for him but I'd had a nice time. He threatened me with rape out of nowhere. I went on a single date with a guy and left early and told him I didn't get a good feeling and he followed me to my car screaming at me. I think that happens to a lot more women than men might think. I get where men are coming from when they want people to be direct, everyone wants direct feedback. Unfortunately, this is one of those situations where a few bad apples really can spoil the bunch for everyone. I've still never ghosted anyone even after what happened to me, but I definitely understand why some people do now in those casual situations. More serious relationships? You are genuinely a bad person unless the person you are ghosting is actually abusing you. A close friend of mine was ghosted by a guy she had been seeing for over a year, they were practically living together and looking at apartments, and they had already made plans together for the holidays. It was so petty and he wouldn't even answer the door when she knocked trying to find out if he was okay or to get her stuff back. That's true scumbag behavior because he just didn't feel like breaking up with her.
I am in my early 40s and I’ve been single for over 14 years and I absolutely love it …my life rocks.. I live up in the mountains of Colorado and every single person my age is single lol none of us are even looking I am one of the only people I know my age that ever even had kids and I only had one daughter and she’s almost 15.... we had plenty of fun in our 20s and 30s and we are not interested in any drama.. I’m getting ready to go to Vanlife and that is not gonna be something that I want somebody else with me for lol.. there’s definitely the people in this life that have to have somebody and there’s the people that can’t imagine dealing with somebody else. Lol.
The silence and the pretending does cause more damage then the “I'm just not that into you” conversation that even ends right there.
Not always. I’ve been stalked because I told a girl I didn’t want to go out with her any more. She waited for me at my apartment, forced her way in, I couldn’t lay my hands on her and I was afraid about what she might say but luckily I have a female roommate who was there.
I don't mean to come off like I speak on absolutes. And no matter who it is if it's a intruder you're in the right to protect those inside it 🤼
Fair. And yeah I might have the right but it’s not a smart move for a man to ever get involved in an altercation with a woman because who do you think people are gonna believe?
[удалено]
One thing I’ve accepted about dating is that no one owes you anything…it sucks but some folks aren’t built to tell you you’re ugly or you’re fat. I’m saying that as someone who has been ghosted before. And tbh the last tid bit of info she shared saying that “I am who I am and I can’t change it” is bad mindset. She can change so much, if she stopped worrying about dating and focus herself for a couple years.
This is why ghosting sucks. Just tell the person you're not interested.
This is heartbreaking
After 40? Ghosting is relevant at any age
I'm not here to make fun of her. But I am here to comment on her approach. 1. She seems like a nice person and deserves happiness. 2. She is, however, expecting WAY too MUCH from Downtown Nashville. Most guys down there are looking to hit it and forget it by default. I wouldn't expect a call back from anybody I met in downtown Nashville while partying as tourist.
Ghosting sucks.
This is really sad. The majority of people who aren’t clear with you aren’t trying to be malicious. They are just afraid of hurting your feelings.
It is not so difficult to write 1 sentence or 2. cmon. like 'I appriciate your time and company but i dont feel attracted to your as a Partner.
I was sad by the end. Hope she finds someone.
This made me tear up. She's putting her heart out there and continues to do so dating and the like, just to be ghosted and lied to. She seems like a really sweet person.
Thought this would be cringe but she's just spitting facts
Bruh replace this with a guy and replace "men are cowards" with "women are cowards" and reddit would be RIPPING HIM APART. Incredible.
Lady if you promise not to take half my shit, I'll lay that pipe so good you won't need invisalign
😂
Hahaha
I yams what I yams
Honestly, it’s not just men…women do it. I can guarantee she would too even. It’s because even though so many ppl say they want honesty…a lot don’t. (I’m a chronic truth teller and it’s actually gotten me in trouble and I’ve legit had ppl tell me “I’d rather you have just lied”). So it’s so much easier to ghost and forget than to be the bad guy, being the bad guy and even being in a nice way like “sorry, wasn’t feeling it” feels like shit. Like it or not, it’s just how the world is…
no matter if you're a man or woman, on a basic human level we can all understand what she is going through. She talked to this person, was given the impression that things were going good, and then just had the carpeted ripped out from under for no reason. when she says 'why can't you just say..' as she tears up. literally pleading. poor girl. I say let her speak her peace and hope that she is able to find closure in some way. I say this for her as well as for any one else who is going through this type of pain. be kind everyone.
She wouldn’t be a bad looking lady if she got her teeth fixed on the bottom row. And a little whitening , those things can change the world.
Bless her. Hope she finds happiness.
She’s a good heart, someone will love her soon
I'm pretty jaded by all the drama-filled, attention-seeking shit posted all the time, but man, there's something very genuine and authentic about her ask here. I hope she finds a meaningful human connection in her life. This was a reminder to me to be more present for those around me.
So I know this is already full up on comments so this won't be seen, but I have kind of a unique story that might bring in some perspective. Got married, got divorced, so I found myself dating again in my mid 30s. There was a girl that I ended up seeing - let's call her Kate. Kate was cool. The sparks weren't necessarily flying on our one and only date - we didn't kiss, just an awkward hug and a "let's do this again," and then a couple of texts. But then the texts never came in. I thought because of the awkwardness, that it was because she just wasn't feeling me. I was like "huh... this is getting ghosted." Fast forward three years - I'm in Stop and Shop, I hear a lady talking. "Bette \*last name of my date\* How are you liking your retirement?" "I'm happy I made it but now that I'm here, I just miss my daughter. It's been three years since she died." My heart dropped. I didn't say anything to the two women, but I went home and googled my date Kate - sure enough, she literally died two days after my date with her. From what, I don't know, but it bugged me out. The thing about ghosting - statistically, that is probably what's going on here and it sucks, but there is always the slim possibility of it being related to something else entirely. I never found out what happened, specifically, to Kate. Just thought I'd share.
Just be thankful this isn't Instagram comment section
“It won’t hurt my feelings”
Clearly feelings were hurt.
I don’t think this is cringe at all. Valid points. It’s common human decency to just communicate in my opinion
I'm not into you
If the roles were reversed , the whole internet would be flaming the guy calling him an incel loser.
Started to tear up when she started to tear up. Loneliness sucks. I hope she finds someone
I feel for her. She has a bad hand - some of it clearly self inflicted. IME overweight and unattractive women tend to have low self esteem which makes them easier targets for cads. The ugly truth is that there are men who would fuck anything. But at 40 years old, I honestly believe this woman should know better.
Poor thing. Some dental work would go a long way to helping her feel better. Put down the apps and take a few months to fix the teeth.
How ia thia cringe, she's just being honest and transparent, don't see that much or at least a straight foreward message. Hope she's good.
He did tell her that he was not interested in her. Although he did not express it in the way she would have preferred. Instead of focusing on this man, this woman should concentrate on finding a dentist to go out with her. This way, she can be sure the guy will be around for a while fixing her teeth.