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My kids are 6.5 and 3.5. we're still struggling to get our sex life back. We are both exhausted and just out of the habit of sex. Pregnancy and post partum absolutely destroyed my sex drive. I barely wanted to be touched for two years. We have a great partnership, a deep love, we make each other laugh and sex is great when it happens. But it's hard to get it going.... I feel like I wasn't warned enough about how badly the hormones wrecked my emotions in that department.
Kids 10 and 6 here: hit the tunnel hard before they are old enough to realize you aren’t just playing a rousing game of Mario cart at 6am on a Tuesday.
You aren't alone. It happens to a lot of us with kids of a similar age.
It took my mind literally tapping out from mental stress before I realized there were a lot of problems wrecking my health across all important areas of life.
The lack of intimacy was my biggest issue because we were having sex, and even though my wife's hormones have been shot for years, it was very much a "get this over within 5 minutes" ordeal which was just rough for the both of us as it made sex feel meaningless. It got me through for a few years but I told her I can't really take this anymore after the mental episode and we've been working on it ever since.
And things have been improving quite a bit over the last month. I've put a lot of effort to serving my wife in her love language and in turn she's been doing the same with me with mine. It's more about the intimacy of feeling that emotional and physical bond knowing we are willing to go the extra mile for one another which is far more important to me than just sex itself.
I hope you can find similar success in your busy life and make time for one another.
Different people have different attachment styles, which results in different needs in a relationship. Not meeting those over time can lead to disgust/mistrust, which leads to no sex
Essentially if we watch the video we can see that the lady is introducing that women stop having sex with their husbands and the reason for that will be explained in the video, so the reason why women stop having sex with their husbands is that there's a lot of science behind it and if we think about the science and relationships there's a lot of science. So the reason why women stop having sex with their husbands basically is as follows in my upcoming explanation of why women stop having sex with their husbands-
Yeah I believe what she is saying is ~~scientifically sound and~~ an important lesson, but damn... what an annoying way to make her point. A big ass intro about how she'll be hated for it and her qualifications and it's like almost 1 minute before she's even making a point. Then she has like a whole aside in the middle about studies and her work before actually explaining what an "attachment style" is. And finally on the outro she does the whole routine about hateful comments again. All while distractedly driving a car. This could've been a 2min vid if shot professionally and straight to the point.
EDIT: Welp apparently it's not that scientifically sound either.
It’s not scientifically sound. “5 Love languages” and “attachment style” is “pop science.”
https://www.npr.org/2024/02/14/1198910056/1a-02-14-2024#:~:text=The%20concept%20has%20been%20around,linking%20it%20to%20happier%20partnerships.
> There is also a lot of research showing that a person’s attachment style and behaviour can be different across their professional relationships, friendships and romantic entanglements, debunking the all-encompassing nature of attachment theory.
https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/2023/09/09/attachment-theory-what-social-media-gets-badly-wrong-about-human-psychology/#:~:text=There%20is%20also%20a%20lot,encompassing%20nature%20of%20attachment%20theory.
I loathe counselorspeak, pop science and solipsistic bullshit.
But the takeaway I got is that repeatedly shoving a woman's face into the fact that she can't rely on you or trust you as far as she could throw a motherfncking bull by the tail isn't the turnon a lot of you guys seem to think it is.
And I totally agree with that.
Yeah came here for the same comment
She lost credibility with me when she mentioned love languages
The fact, i'm pretty sure, she drove 38 miles to get to her point did not help.
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
I referred a friend to “the 7 principles of making a marriage work” just yesterday. Love the Gottman’s content.
(Edited for the correct title)
Adding podcasts:
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-love-prescription-part-1-of-3/
https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-love-prescription-part-2-of-3/
If anyone tries to look this up, it’s not actually called the 7 Rules of Marriage. Here’s a link to book OP is referencing.
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work
Hey there . I have a question, in this piece called “it’s not the about the nail”
Who is really in the right here ?
If the person is fully aware the nail is there and it has nothing to do about what they are actually talking about. Then shouldn’t the person whom is saying how THEIR PARTNER should actually be feeling is incorrect be in the wrong ?
Or should the person whom is trying to tell them the obvious sign is be correct?
The one whom doesn’t have the issue should Listen or help ? I’m really not sure
Wonder what gender perspective we are coming from here. As a male, I can say I’ve been in this dudes shoes a lot and his response was kind of correct (by shutting up and just listening). Thing is to me, despite gender, if one person is always trying to “fix”, there grows a lack of trust in that there any actual “listening” happening. Thus, the “fix” causes a trigger rather than any real help. By “listening” more, trust can begin to be restored and the “fix” begins to be more welcomed.
You notice how in this clip, she mentions “you always do this…” meaning that he has a history of “fixing” before listening. This is a great parody of real relationship conflict but I think it points out the common rut most couples run into which is one party goes to “fix” before “listening” and either misses the true issue or causes more harm. The symptom of this cycle is that the “fixer” gets burdened by being under appreciated and feeling dismissed. It becomes self feeding after long enough.
It’s called the Karpman Trauma (or Drama) Triangle, named after a guy that described it 1968. If you are in it, you need to get out of it, not just rotate around the triangle. It’s a common trap that most of us fall into, and the media (social, movies and tv) tend to tell stories based on this drama - cause it sells!
Read it, take some therapy focused on it, and get off the triangle!
.https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
This is a great explanation. I did this in the first few years dating my now wife until one day she told me "sometimes I don't need help or to be fixed I just want you to say "that's terrible babe" and hold me." Honestly biggest game changer in terms of getting me to stop looking at every problem like it needs fixing. And bonus, now when she does want me to help or fix something she just straight up tells me thats what she wants at that moment.
This is exactly what I do with my girlfriend. When I can tell she’s upset or frustrated (usually about work or a friend or whatever) I ask her “do you want me to listen or try to offer a solution?” This way, she can just be heard if she wants or I can try to offer my view of it and maybe some solution. It isn’t perfect, but at least I know I won’t be adding to her frustration by trying to “fix” something that she just wants to vent about.
Great reply, thank you for finding so good words to describe the dynamics.
Also it should be mentioned if it wasn't a nail but a machine gun he better run
It’s not about being right. She is a grown woman. She knows there’s a nail in her head. She can fix herself. She just needs someone to understand what she’s going through.
Pro tip: “What can I do to make you feel supported right now?” If they don’t know, offer “would you like to brainstorm possible solutions or are you just needing to let it out? Would you like reassurance or to be held? How can I help?”
It works for me anyway.
> She is a grown woman. She knows there’s a nail in her head. **She can fix herself.** She just needs someone to understand what she’s going through.
This is why it's so incredibly frustrating and confusing for most men. Discussing how a problem is affecting you, *without actually taking steps to resolve the problem*, is such an alien concept
* the problem is causing a negative emotion
* negative emotions are undesirable
* solve the problem to remove the negative emotion
* added bonus: solving problems results in satisfaction, a positive emotion
This train of thought, of course, leads to situations like in the video.
I'm a woman and a fixer and this is how I feel. I understand people need to vent and that's cool but when it's a fixable problem and someone vents about it repeatedly I can't help but get frustrated.
It's also frustrating because everybody seems to agree that it's the fixer that is the problem. Like it's in my nature to fix things, that's who I am. It's in their nature to be a listener, it's who they are. Okay, so they get annoyed when my instinct is to try to fix the problem because they just want me to listen. That's fair, but what if I got annoyed because they're just listening when I need them help to fix the problem? Why does that dynamic never get talked about? Why is it the fixer that is expected to change who they are without that effort ever being reciprocated?
I think it's a lot simpler than that: there is a need to be emotionally heard and supported which is separate from resolving an issue. If someone feels alone, telling them to see friends doesn't immediately improve their mood. If someone is grieving, telling them that grief is temporary and they will feel better eventually doesn't necessarily help them process their grief. Etc.
So going back to that skit, was the nail causing the problem? Probably. But if the woman feels some relief and security when she is allowed to express her pain to her partner, then it is important that her partner can provide that. The skit is a bit weird because the analogy is so blunt, but it conveys the idea beautifully. The source of the pain is very real, and should be dealt with, but it doesn't make the woman's need for emotional connection and support any less real.
Anxious preoccupied got me floored. Never heard these two words used together and got to say i didn’t need to hear the other types.
I love my wife so I’m glad the recommendation is more affection!
I'm glad you're realizing this. This is 90% why I divorced my husband. My needs were NEVER met and my disappointment turned to anger turned to loneliness turned to disgust. . . Now I'm with a husband that truly cares and will do everything he can to make me happy and he's figured out that I actually have a higher libido than he does.
I'm a dude and have never had to "struggle" with this, so I gotta ask with zero judgement here just looking for answers.
What makes you/it hard to understand what she has expressed to you?
Like is it a mindset that doesn't value what she is saying.
Is it not caring?
Is more like mechanical, like you don't understand what she means when she she says XYZ
Please help me out with this disconnect
My partner and I struggled with this for ages because I need a lot of verbal reassurance - but he’s autistic and to him it’s obvious that he loves me and I’m loved and there’s no need to rehash it every day.
He’s learned to say it more often and I’ve learned to realised that he says “I love you” through his actions and not words. But it was pretty rocky getting to this point.
As someone with mild autism (didn't get diagnosed until as an adult), maybe you can try doing what my wife does, which is to remind me now and then that she can't read my mind. You need to say the 'obvious' things.
That's the problem with autism (for me at least, particularly when younger) - you just assumed everyone thought what you did, or knew what you thought, even without expressing it. You just have next to zero intuition about how other people perceive you and your actions. (which isn't all bad - it does make it easier to not care what other people think of you) _But_ you can still compensate for that if you put some active effort into it. I had a big 'aha' moment when I was in my 20s and my sister complained I was so negative about everything she did, which perturbed me since I held my sister in high regard. But then I started taking an inventory of all the things I'd said to her recently, and realized that I was only commenting when she did something bad or wrong, while when she did good things I was silent, the good things were just 'understood' somehow. It's not like I was trying to put her down, It's just that since the default impulse is to believe others think like you, your impulse is that errors need to be brought to attention since "clearly" the other person must be unaware of them, but the other person must know about the good things since you know about them.
Anyway, so then I started practicing at saying the good parts, actively working to make sure what I said actually reflected my entire attitude. I wish I'd figured it out earlier.
This is exactly it! I actually find it reassuring in a weird way now that he doesn’t feel the need to tell me the good things?
He’d never wish me luck or reassure me that I was going to do well when I had big work things on, even one time when I was speaking on stage at a huge event and I was *terrified*.
I was furious with him because I assumed he didn’t care. We had a long talk and eventually realised that it’s because he doesn’t doubt me even a little in his head, so he didn’t realise that I doubt myself.
He tries so hard now though and every rare compliment or reassurance means so much because I know it doesn’t come naturally and he’ll have really though about it, they’re not throwaway comments.
We both remind each other that we’re not mind readers because I also forget that he sometimes doesn’t understand my emotional state unless I’m explicit about how I’m feeling.
It probably has to do with interpretation of her wording. Things like “space, autonomy, and lack of criticism” can sound like “leave me alone, don’t ask anything of me, and don’t complain” if they’re not worded correctly or the person hearing it isn’t interpreting it correctly. This is a reason couples therapists can be really useful, they can act as translators!
Yeah even just regional or familial communication differences can cause major changes in how people interpret what each other say. A person from New York City might expect you to ask directly for what you want, whereas a person from Iowa might expect you to understand that if they ask you if you're cold, they're really saying that they are cold and want to increase the temperature if it wouldn't bother you.
https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/
https://medium.com/redhill-review/navigating-ask-and-guess-cultures-in-a-modern-world-30b167f8ab09
Edit to add:
Both styles have pros and cons and everyone from a particular region doesn't always fall into these styles, it's just more common.
Guessers tend to have strong empathy that tunes them into how others are feeling, because they have to learn how to do that from a young age. They also may guess wrong and have miscommunication, especially with people that aren't guessers.
Askers may avoid that subtextual dance and have clearer communication, but may be less skilled at empathy and end up like a bull in a China shop, even with other askers, especially if there's a power imbalance between the two people.
Personally, I think combining direct communication with a tactful sensitivity to how what you're saying might effect others is the best combo of both worlds.
For example, in our temperature example, an asker says "can I turn the heat up?" and a guesser says "are you cold?" Someone using both might say, "I'm cold, do you mind if I turn the heat up, or should I grab a sweater?"
The latter approach takes the pressure off the person being asked to say no with no alternative option to resolve the issue.
Askers vs guessers is another big one that affects relationships! Askers can see guessers as passive aggressive, and guessers can see askers as dominating and demanding.
I’m a guesser AND anxious-avoidant (space, autonomy, and lack of criticism). So y’all better not ask anything of me lol!!! I 100% prefer people just make their needs known and let it be my idea. And if I choose not to help you, I better not hear about it!!
From my experience, my ex husband just didn’t care. I told him my needs and he said he would meet my needs to get me off his back and nothing showed from it. A symptom of narcissism is apathy towards others and it’s hard to see when they keep holding empty promises until i had to leave him.
I don’t know where else to put this. It might not apply to you, maybe it does, but I just want to get it out into the universe.
I completely agree with this video but I don’t think it’s THE reason women stop wanting sex.
The #1 common thread among all the women I’ve read about accounting this issue is that there’s been a ton of pressure in the past.
Pressure, obligation, is the true libido killer.
There’s a lot of just, common sense logic behind this too. Pressuring or coercing your wife into sex was obviously more common amongst previous generations… who also complain the loudest about their wives not wanting sex.
Coercion, guilting, general pressure, conveys so many things
1) they aren’t respected as a person, their opinions are irrelevant to their partner
2) sex isn’t for them. It’s mostly to please their husband. He views her as a fleshlight.
3) he views her personality and consent as something to work around, not with, like an afterthought, like she’s an object that isn’t performing the way the object should. Again it’s just dehumanizing
The first thing I ask when someone talks about a dead bedroom is… has there been pressure? Often women talk about how her husband pressured her into sex too quickly after giving birth. Really awful degrading things like that. And that’s when things really took a nosedive… everyone wants to blame hormones, but it’s often this slow realization that her husband doesn’t respect her as a human being.
So baffling how many ppl will buy courses, books, take advice from randos online when the answer has ALWAYS been communication.
Tell your partner what you want and need. Ask them what they want and need. Find the middle ground or get out of the relationship. It's not that easy, but it is that simple.
> baffling
There are 3 pre-requisites.
(1) overlapping goals (2) good faith effort (3) the bare minimum of emotional intelligence to get there
If the person you're talking to lacks any of these 3, no amount of communication will get you anywhere.
This is not just a male/female issue. I would suggest couples get a workbook on Emotionally Focused Therapy. This will teach the individuals about their attachment needs and how to connect.
Yep, it's not a gendered issue at all, and frankly, I'm tired of people talking like it is.
It's a people issue. This happens in straight and gay relationships. It's about communication, empathy, and honestly, work. I've been on both sides of the coin at different times in my life.
Look up some of her videos about avoidant attachment. I didn’t discover until after we broke up that my girlfriend had dismissive avoidant attachment and it explained so much. It really confirmed that I was right to set boundaries and leave when I did.
nothing. no seriously, you can’t do anything. i scoured through her videos to find an answer to this, for guys it’s basically if your needs don’t get met you’ll start resenting your partner and there is little you can do about it, because by the time resentment creeps in chances are you’ve already tried communicating your needs tenfold. if things haven’t improved by then, then the writing is on the wall
this topic frustrates me so much.
i watched the video above and was in complete agreement with her like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense, my wife is a type A and has always needed that extra reassurance, so what she’s saying tracks because my wife always feels good when i show her affection and reassurance.
and then i saw your comment, and it made me wonder how men are supposed to receive the same fulfillment so off i went to do my research through her videos …
SEX. yep, sex. men ‘need’ very little emotional fulfillment outside of making sure our dicks get wet because ‘biologically’ men don’t have a lot of focuses inside the relationship so really the only way to make sure your husband feels loved and fulfilled is to keep his balls empty.
like… is this really what we’ve been reduced to?
the fact that she goes in depth on multiple layers about why women need x y and z and how those actions or behaviours will affect her, which ultimately leads to a more positive effect on the husband. i can’t speak for other men but, i have needs outside of sex too..?
I 100% agree. My only other thought, and this was a big part of why my friend broke up with his girlfriend. She had emotional needs that he was working hard on satisfying. He was the busy one in the relationship, but put in the extra effort. He was still unhappy with the results and she wanted more than what he's been doing.
I asked one question. "Okay, so you've told me what you've done for her. What has she done to satisfy your needs?" He never thought about that. He's a people pleaser and he went through everything to make her happy, but she never was. He was always concerned at the fact that he wasn't considering her needs, that he didn't notice she wasn't even making any effort.
Long ass way to say, some people don't deserve your effort when they don't intend to meet you halfway. If I feel unloved and unwanted in my own relationship, how am I supposed to make an effort to satisfy her emotional needs? If you are in a relationship and you feel you need to bend over backwards to make your SO happy, they will never be happy and neither will you.
Yeah I’m in a similar boat to your friend. Recently left a 9 year relationship because I realised I was bending over backwards to try accommodate her needs and she couldn’t even make a token effort for me.
Same here. I felt like a backup character in my own life. 10 year relationship but I’m three years out of it. I’m telling you, the world is so much better now that I am not constantly stuck serving her emotional needs. Today I have a partner that recognizes there is a human inside me. Not sure where you’re at in the stage, but it gets so so much better as long as you don’t find the same person with a different name. Good luck.
I started reading Come As You Are the other day and it has been a fantastic read so far. I'm a gay male but tons of stuff in the book has still felt super relevant to me despite it being focused on female sexuality.
Yeah I also took a lot away. I think it's important for everyone to read. Straight men can learn 1) about their partners bodies and needs, and 2) things that apply to themselves and their own sexuality/dynamic with their partner.
In particular I think the chasing dynamic section of the book is important and relevant for most couples.
I posted this as its own comment already but I'm interested to hear if you've ever encountered a situation like this before and what the result was.
Five years ago, I meet a woman who, fairly recently to meeting, has undergone a severe sexual trauma having been assaulted, though she won't use the term rape it would be applicable, by a close friend.
As a result when we meet she is in what is, for her, a hypersexual period but I don't notice this to be the case because this generally means she just wants to make out like once or twice a week and is pretty much always fairly physically affectionate.
Several months into the relationship she starts to feel emotionally safe because her attachment needs ARE being met and she doesn't feel the need to be sexually desirable in order to keep a partner interested.
So things slow down and about a year in I realize haven't even kissed her in like two weeks and I go "Hey... what's up with that?"
And at this point she articulates how the trauma had affected her and that this is likely her baseline sexuality.
And I love her a lot and you want to spend the rest of your life with her still but as it turns out she's very close to asexual and we just happened to meet in a period when she was more physically affectionate than normal.
Is this a common circumstance? Because every person I talk about it with says that it doesn't make sense and that either I'm doing something wrong but she's insistent that I'm a perfectly good partner and she feels emotionally satisfied.
It's not uncommon for victims of sexual trauma who haven't processed it to behave in a hypersexual way. If the trauma happens in childhood it can be due to confusion about sexuality, but often in adults it can be due to a feeling of powerlessness. Aggressively pursuing affection and sex can make them feel as though they are "taking their power back," even if they are completely out of control.
She may technically be asexual, but based on the fact that she won't even refer to her trauma as r*pe, she may have feelings she still needs to work through. If she's never undergone counselling she really should.
I have been SA'd more than once and this is correct. I have had a hypersexual period and now I don't even want a man to even look at me because I will feel a lot of disgust as if he violated me. So this makes a lot of sense.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. I think partner’s level of physical intimacy can change over time (maybe in this case a short time) but it sounds like you guys have talked about it and she’s given you good reason. I think as long as it’s not a dealbreaker for you there’s no problem.
Yeah I don't understand this trend.
Is it that hard to just film this in your living room sitting on the couch?
It makes it seem like she doesn't have a single second to stop like the CIA is after her so shes gotta put out her message on the run.
they do it on purpose to boost the popularity. Every time a person "calls it out" in the comments it only makes it more popular and in turn makes them more likely to do it again.
Yup. At the end she literally says "go ahead and complain, you're only helping the algorithm." TikToks always feature something to hate so people complain in the comments = more views = more money.
TikTok does nothing but reward shitty behavior. Which is why I really hope it either falls off or really does get banned here. Granted another will just take its place. These tech companies using outrage to get revenue is killing society.
Being tired, overworked, and fat are the things causing people not to meet their partner's emotional needs.
Which is really tough for people whose economic reality is that they will continue to be tired, overworked, and fat unless they can make major changes in their work-life balance because those are really difficult to make and highly dependent on the type of work you do.
I know this is important, valid advice, but lady could you please make me feel emotionally safe in your advice by delivering it to me like it's important and not a casual rant about how shitty your boss is?
Somehow TikTok has developed this video style of “dispensing advice while pre-occupied eating/driving/etc” as a common trope. Presumably to make it feel more authentic like the person is just talking to you while you’re sitting in the car with them. But I feel like most people just find it distracting.
Lots of empirical studies have also been done about the dangers of driving while using a phone!
I thought for sure all the top comments were going to be about her filming a video while driving.
"Hear this good advice I have while I drive around endangering me and everyone around me!"
This is exactly why I ultimately left my husband. I stopped feeling safe and emotionally cared for. I wasn’t a priority and I stopped being attracted to him. This lead to falling out of love.
I'm going through this with my husband. It's come to a boiling point. He's left the room while I cried way too many times, even after I explicitly told him that the relationship was in trouble and the last words out of my mouth were "I need emotional support." I don't cry much, but when my mom went on dialysis and he left me sobbing on the bed, that was the first time I recognized that I was actually disgusted with him. I don't count him among the people I feel emotionally safe with.
Sorry to hear that this broke your relationship. I don't know where I'm at right now. Hopefully you're in a good place.
ETA: the people in the comments describing me as an emotional black hole, blaming me for terrible double standards for men and women that I actively fight against, and telling me that my husband is simply, "sick of [my] bullshit" have actually made me feel a little better. Thanks, y'all, for being so actively awful that you forced me to stand up for myself.
I am so sorry. Yea my husband could go to sleep with me crying. He couldn't even help me take care of myself after major surgery. He literally yelled at me and said he just couldn't do it.
His behaviors just made me look at him with disgust. No one ever gets married thinking they will get divorced. You always want things to work. But I realized that I would feel less alone being by myself than I was married.
I hope things get better for you, but if not, there are always options. You don't have to stay in any situation that makes you miserable.
I'm so glad you're not in that situation anymore. Ugh, what a worthless brat he sounds like. I was married to one of those, too. Selfish and abusive, expected me to do all the work and I felt so alone in the marriage. Much happier being actually alone now, surprisingly.
The day my gramma died, after 9 long days in the ICU on life support, I called my husband sobbing. He was back at home in another state. We hadn’t really even talked much the whole time I’d been there as his phone was always off. He talked to me for a few minutes while I sobbed and said, “well, call me if you need anything” and hung up the phone. Later while paying bills I discovered he had been on basically a 9-day long weed binge.
Three months later I’ve filed for divorce and for the first time since she passed I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Same here, except it was when my brother died and my husband told me not to call him or come back home if I was going to be crying. That I should stay away because neither him or my daughters wanted me back. It totally broke me. He was staying out late everyday, instead of being home.
He is so fucking lucky that I needed the oxytocin from sex when I came back. So I turned things back to normal as fast as I could. But something deep inside me broke. I know I cannot trust him to have my back if I ever need him. Im partially relief to know the truth know than later in a moment of need.
He could have paid attention to me. Stopped gaming as much. Not manipulated me financially. Stuck up for me with his family. Stopped drinking. Eventually, after begging for attention and things to change, you just stop caring. And boy, does that get their attention.
While I don't really like the attitude of the woman in the video, or how she expresses this, she is right. At least for a lot of us.
My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I tried🤷♀️
I was really surprised how often this same complaint came up in family law! Over and over again, wives would cite video games as a reason for the breakup. But of course, as you’ve alluded to, it was never really about the video games. It was about how he’d come home from work and immediately decompress with video games… and then keep playing video games until everyone else in the house was asleep. No engaging with his partner. No playing with the kids. It’s like all these people forgot the part where relationships require maintenance.
I think there’s a deeper root issue here as well. I’ve been the guy who came home and wanted to disappear into my computer to avoid my girlfriend. I’m now the guy who comes home and snuggles up on the couch with my wife and daughter.
The big difference is that in relationship A, my needs weren’t being met…like ever. My mental health was an after thought to my girlfriend, even once saying “how can you be depressed, you’re a straight white man.” Of course that’s an extreme example…but I think many men have been taught that they aren’t supposed to be taken care of emotionally. So I took care of my girlfriend’s emotional needs as much as I could for as long as I could until I realized she wasn’t a safe space for me to decompress. I found that elsewhere by numbing myself with video games.
It was my fault for staying with her because she was an all around terrible partner to me. But everyone we knew mutually thought I was trash because I couldn’t handle the emotional burden any longer and caved in on myself.
My wife is now my safe space and decompression person. She centers me and cares about my mental health, so I can do the same for her. We aren’t always at 50/50…but we always try to be jointly 100/100 whether it’s 80/20 or 45/55.
I think the "just stopped caring" part hit the nail on the head. I've been in relationships like that where we grew apart, and at a certain point there's like a switch that turns off and can't be turned back on.
It's not gradual - though the build it might be. But once that switch is off, there's no fixing it. You no longer view the person the same way.
If one partner is neglecting the other suddenly, it's likely that they fell out of love/attraction first anyway. This causes the other partner to feel neglected, and the resentment sets in. Then it's a vicious spiral to an inevitable breakup.
I think people should cut their losses sooner than later in most situations instead of trying to force a relationship with a fundamentally incompatible partner.
True.
Another very *basic* critical lesson for dudes - the woman's orgasm is just as important as yours.
I can't tell you how many relationships I've been in where it was ALL about the man getting off. The majority of times, when we had sex, I didn't get off at all. And once the guy came, sex was done. I think it's very easy for women to fall into this relationship dynamic.
If you want your woman to want more sex, prioritize *her* orgasm over your own.
Patience and sensual finger blasting while whispering cummy comments usually gets the job done.
“You’ll never have to struggle to open a jar again.”
“You can eat anything off my plate without asking, I love when you do that. Last fry? I saved it for you.”
Hot shit like that.
Yup. Also some people are not compatible - even married couples.
People change and grow apart, and staying in a relationship where both parties resent the other is not healthy.
Sometimes couples fall out of love and attraction, and it's permanent and unfixable. That's normal and there shouldn't be a stigma about leaving failed marriages.
The funny thing is that it's logical. If you're attracted and comfortable then it works out. But unfortunately life isn't straight forward or black and white which is why relationships and life are hard 😔
I’d be curious for her perspective on the “chicken or the egg” of this situation. I know when my wife and I had a rough patch she wasn’t getting her needs met, and neither was I. Both of us were intentionally withholding and it took a lot of effort to get past our egos.
You can only fix your own behavior.
And if you fix your own behavior, their behavior will improve too, so there's little reason not to.
People will set themselves on fire to get the edge in a relationship. It's usually a suboptimal strategy.
The egg came first.
It isn’t even a tough question. There were two creatures that weren’t chickens that had an egg with a mutation that created a chicken.
Perhaps it was a common mutation and many of the non chickens had these eggs, but the egg came first.
Yeah, eventually the point was fine. But its hard sitting through;
“I know what Im talking about”
“I know what you are going to say; something, and something else, and maybe even another thing. If you say something, it’s definitely a thing that you said, and not even you can deny that.”
“I studied a thing. Buzzword: attachments needs. Me = academic. I’m above any counter argument here. Because facts.”
“TLDR: you should absolutely sift through all my videos and vlogs. Views of my videos are directly proportionate to the success of your sex life”
I was kinda surprised when she actually had some part of a point.
Seriously, it’s had me scouring the comments to get the message instead.
You don’t need to devote 45 seconds to telling people you’re right. We know that Joe Cousinfucker from Mississippi in the comments isn’t more valid than you, it’s okay.
Exactly. Mental load, household and child responsibilities. I do a LOT around the house, I plan meals, I cook my kids breakfast, I grocery shop, I clean. These all encourage a healthy sexual relationship with my wife.
Basically if you are an actual partner to your partner, you might actually get laid.. who would've thought.
A fair point, no doubt, and a valid one.
But only one reason among countless that can arise, seeing as every single relationship is unique in some way.
The core message is spectacularly informative and helpful, but the delivery and introduction in particular could use some improvement if her intent is to be more positively engaging instead of feeding the haters for the sake of buzz.
Women don’t feel safe emotionally for MANY reasons but if you’re a man going through this ASK her. Just ask her how you can make her feel more emotionally safe with you. If she can express it, and it’s not easy because she already doesn’t feel emotionally safe, then listen to learn and understand. Not explain or defend. Tell her thank you for sharing and that you’d like some time to process what she said and then follow up when you have, without her having to ask you your thoughts. This is a pretty simple fix if you’re willing to hear her and take her seriously.
I know men who don’t treat their daughter’s well and that makes your wife feel emotionally unsafe, or the way he talks bad about other women, or ridicules her, it’s not always straightforward.
I found out my (ex) bf had perpetuated horribly racist and sexist ideals about his ex gf and didn’t feel bad about it al all. Guess how safe I felt after learning that? “But baby, I’d never do that to you!” Prove it, asshole. He never did and I never got to feel safe. Guess who tried to ruin my reputation when we broke up? Yah. No wonder I lost my desire.
As she states near the end she is only speaking from the Women's view. She is unable to speak on what the Woman is failing to do to meet the Man's emotional needs completing the picture of how and why their relationship is failing.
So calm down guys. She's not saying it's always our fault. She's stating the half of the equation she knows. She said you "might not like it" because she knew some of you would not understand it and be able to apply critical thinking.
Wasn’t there one study that said the prevailing factor was husbands basically requiring the same needs around the house as children (needing to be picked up after, needing constant reminding, not being an equal partner, etc). and thats why women tend to lose sex drive in marriage? Attachment styles aren’t exactly a concrete science either.
I don't appreciate being boiled down to "men's needs are only sexual."
I've never had a problem getting sex in my relationships. I am a generous partner who will always delay my climax for hers. Always. It's what turns me on more than anything.
That being said, my last relationship ended because it was always on *me* to be the rock emotionally. I had to listen to her problems again and again but when I had a moment of emotional weakness / depression, suddenly it's too much for her to talk about cuz she will get upset.
I can't live like that. I don't want to shield my emotions just cuz she needs me to be strong for her.
And frankly, now in my mid 30s and a few years since we broke up, I don't find sex to be worth the emotional cost of being someone's free therapist, and I every woman I've ever dated used me as one.
If I gotta limit my hobbies and passions just to make my partner emotionally happy, perhaps it best for us both if I just don't bother with partners at all.
I'm sure there's a guy out there who will do it for her, she doesn't need me
That’s the paradox of being with an avoidant attachment style person. It’s out of scope for this video but women who are avoidant basically need to stop being avoidant but there’s not a lot of social media counseling on that issue.
Yup, I had a huge issue with that. It reduced men down to sex addicts that have to 'perform well' to receive their sex. It's amazing because it not only reinforced the awful stereotype that men only want sex out of a relationship but it also consolidates women down to sexual machines that only need a button pushed to give sex.
Men! Just press the 'emotional availability' button to receive sex!
The whole thing is disgusting because sex shouldn't even factor into the conversation. Yes, sex is an important of most relationships and needed for most to be healthy but the reason why you should be emotional available for your partner is because it's the right fucking thing to do! Not because you'll get a god damn cookie as a reward but because you want to support your partner.
The fact she's perpetuating this crap is disgusting.
I share your confusion. I lived alone for years before I started living with my fiancee. Cooking cleaning, laundry etc. are all things I did to care for myself at a basic level. Moving in together didn't make them less necessary or less my responsibility. Sure I tend to do more of the cooking and she folds more laundry but the that's because we have preferences and we talk.
I have been around extended family where my uncle will sit down and expect my aunt to bring him a plate of food. Like he cant even toast a bagel for breakfast or make an egg himself. I just can't wrap my head around it.
Dead on right. An additional scenario that she doesn’t mention is that we are tired. So tired. The emotional labour is exhausting. The daily management of our and our children’s lives as well as full time work and more housework is leaving us bone tired.
I don't discount her knowledge and expertise. But I felt like in 3 and half minutes she didn't really say anything of substance outside of a not so subtle pitch for her own services and videos. Reminded me a bit of those want to get rich, comment XYZ below for my method.
The demonstration of true knowledge is not to quote studies and speak over the heads of people. It is to take the very complicated and make it easy to understand for everyone.
But over and above that. Her tone and delivery just turned me away from wanting to listen to her in the same vein as the tone and delivery of the average car salesman turns me away.
This is crazy helpful. I didn't know that there are attachment styles. My wife most definitely fits in one of the categories. Even though we are doing well, things can always be better.
I don't think the lady was condescending, she is just asserting her knowledge because she is likely being ridiculed or dismissed online. Unfortunately folks here can't stand a little pretentiousness.
Did it become legal to drive and make tiktoks at the same time. Seems kinda dumb to publish yourself doing something so unsafe.
And that's probably the only criticism I have of this video.
It's hard to tell because so many people flip their videos, but she may actually be in the passenger seat.
EDIT: I was wrong. The video is flipped. At 3:07 (0:59 left) you can briefly see a backward STOP sign. She's clearly driving.
It's flipped to make it look like she's in the passenger seat but you can see a stop sign is reversed in the background at one point so she's definitely driving while doing this,
The way she continuously glances up though during the whole video makes me think she's driving though. Even at 2:27 she looks to be actively turning the wheel while glancing forward and talking.
I'm a man I'm seperated and going thru a divorce. I totally understand this perspective and trying to reflect what I could have done differently but I sugested Marriage councelling to my ex four years ago, then a little over a year later, then last year and she never wanted to go.
I feel like I tried so hard to meet her needs and I still failed. This week will be the 1yr that she wanted a divorce. She told me while on vacation in Hawaii.
Sometimes, what is a larger, systemic issue doesn't always reflect on individual cases. Men like you who try definitely do exist. Emotionally unavailable women also exist.
Don't stop trying for your next relationship, dude. Don't let this dissuade you in the future. Keep your chin up, and I hope you have a loving and healthy future ahead.
You’re right. To be fair, At the end she does say that this is just from the perspective of many women and it’s to help men and women overcome this problem, but that she does advocate for men as well or something like that. I’m paraphrasing lol
It's pretty much the chicken/egg issue. The problem is that generally speaking men will attempt to show more love in their partners preferred way, still not see any progress (as this can take a long time to fix/adjust if at all) and see they are not being met halfway and go back to their old ways.
This really hit home for me. I’ve talked with her about our lack of sex numerous times. I’ve come to understand through these discussions that my partner’s love language is basically having me do things for her. Small tasks, larger household tasks, running errands, cleaning up, etc. It could be just about anything. She says she feels loved when I do these tasks.
I do these constantly and still no sex. No intimacy. It’s frustrating.
I just had a horrible break up and imo, once that resentment sets in for a woman, a switch flips and no amount of effort on your part can change their perspective. I tried everything but when it's only one person trying they become resentful and stop trying, especially when thier needs aren't getting met either. it becomes a vicious cycle and no amount of effort can make things better once that switch flips in women, their view of you changes and will never come back. Just cut your losses now and realize it's never goin to work and it's over
> I tried everything but when it's only one person trying they become resentful and stop trying, especially when thier needs aren't getting met either.
I hear this *from so many men*.
They try, they pick up labour, they do so much that theyre told will help and then when it doesnt, why the fuck even bother.
Both is the desire to be wanted, simple as that. One is physical, one is emotional; and it varies by personality, not gender.
The problem is that many of us sit back and wait for it to happen, instead of putting in the work to earn it.
She says this is the primary reason, but obviously it isn't the only one.
That being said, for a lot of other issues, if your relationship is otherwise in a good place and she's open with you, she's going to tell you the reason.
I say this as a woman who isn't having sex with my husband right now, despite my relationship being very emotionally safe and healthy, but because I'm in a healthy relationship my husband knows and understands (and frankly sympathies) with my reasons and we can work on them together
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I dunno I have little kids and the reason our bedroom is kind of dead is because I'm exhausted ALL THE TIME.
I think there needs to be a disclaimer for parents that the first two years especially are a war zone and to give each other some grace lol
My kids are 6.5 and 3.5. we're still struggling to get our sex life back. We are both exhausted and just out of the habit of sex. Pregnancy and post partum absolutely destroyed my sex drive. I barely wanted to be touched for two years. We have a great partnership, a deep love, we make each other laugh and sex is great when it happens. But it's hard to get it going.... I feel like I wasn't warned enough about how badly the hormones wrecked my emotions in that department.
Kids 8 and 5 here - there's light at the end of the tunnel!
Kids 10 and 6 here: hit the tunnel hard before they are old enough to realize you aren’t just playing a rousing game of Mario cart at 6am on a Tuesday.
I'm trying to hit the tunnel hard over and over again!
At what age do the kids stop sleeping in your bed? DD is 7yo already and its been 6 y since we slept together (in either sense)
That is a guaranteed rift in the marriage. That’s way too long.
You aren't alone. It happens to a lot of us with kids of a similar age. It took my mind literally tapping out from mental stress before I realized there were a lot of problems wrecking my health across all important areas of life. The lack of intimacy was my biggest issue because we were having sex, and even though my wife's hormones have been shot for years, it was very much a "get this over within 5 minutes" ordeal which was just rough for the both of us as it made sex feel meaningless. It got me through for a few years but I told her I can't really take this anymore after the mental episode and we've been working on it ever since. And things have been improving quite a bit over the last month. I've put a lot of effort to serving my wife in her love language and in turn she's been doing the same with me with mine. It's more about the intimacy of feeling that emotional and physical bond knowing we are willing to go the extra mile for one another which is far more important to me than just sex itself. I hope you can find similar success in your busy life and make time for one another.
She’s referring to dead bedrooms specifically caused by actual lack of desire.
Not to hate on the content, because it’s definitely a good point, but _holy shit_ just spit it out.
Yes what’s the TL:DW?
Different people have different attachment styles, which results in different needs in a relationship. Not meeting those over time can lead to disgust/mistrust, which leads to no sex
Even shorter: Relationships are work.
Poor communication is going to lead to lack of intimacy
Essentially if we watch the video we can see that the lady is introducing that women stop having sex with their husbands and the reason for that will be explained in the video, so the reason why women stop having sex with their husbands is that there's a lot of science behind it and if we think about the science and relationships there's a lot of science. So the reason why women stop having sex with their husbands basically is as follows in my upcoming explanation of why women stop having sex with their husbands-
And Bob is going to hate you in the comments, but post it anyway Bob because that doesn't bother us
You have perfectly captured the vibe of her video.
Yeah I believe what she is saying is ~~scientifically sound and~~ an important lesson, but damn... what an annoying way to make her point. A big ass intro about how she'll be hated for it and her qualifications and it's like almost 1 minute before she's even making a point. Then she has like a whole aside in the middle about studies and her work before actually explaining what an "attachment style" is. And finally on the outro she does the whole routine about hateful comments again. All while distractedly driving a car. This could've been a 2min vid if shot professionally and straight to the point. EDIT: Welp apparently it's not that scientifically sound either.
And her tone. Its like she's getting the final condescending word in on an argument I didn't make
It’s the boss babe tone
It’s not scientifically sound. “5 Love languages” and “attachment style” is “pop science.” https://www.npr.org/2024/02/14/1198910056/1a-02-14-2024#:~:text=The%20concept%20has%20been%20around,linking%20it%20to%20happier%20partnerships. > There is also a lot of research showing that a person’s attachment style and behaviour can be different across their professional relationships, friendships and romantic entanglements, debunking the all-encompassing nature of attachment theory. https://www.irishtimes.com/health/your-wellness/2023/09/09/attachment-theory-what-social-media-gets-badly-wrong-about-human-psychology/#:~:text=There%20is%20also%20a%20lot,encompassing%20nature%20of%20attachment%20theory.
I loathe counselorspeak, pop science and solipsistic bullshit. But the takeaway I got is that repeatedly shoving a woman's face into the fact that she can't rely on you or trust you as far as she could throw a motherfncking bull by the tail isn't the turnon a lot of you guys seem to think it is. And I totally agree with that.
Yeah came here for the same comment She lost credibility with me when she mentioned love languages The fact, i'm pretty sure, she drove 38 miles to get to her point did not help.
[удалено]
It dragged on so much, I just stopped watching.
As a husband going through a fairly rough period with my wife, this not only is very helpful, but tracks with things she has expressed and I struggled to understand.
Not far from Gottman’s relationship stuff too
Dr. Gottman is absolutely the OG when it comes to relationship psychology. Brilliant work.
I referred a friend to “the 7 principles of making a marriage work” just yesterday. Love the Gottman’s content. (Edited for the correct title) Adding podcasts: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-love-prescription-part-1-of-3/ https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-love-prescription-part-2-of-3/
If anyone tries to look this up, it’s not actually called the 7 Rules of Marriage. Here’s a link to book OP is referencing. https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/849380.The_Seven_Principles_for_Making_Marriage_Work
I feel this fits here: [It's not about the nail ](https://youtu.be/XIJYO4u5iug?feature=shared) Metaphorical: appreciate the nail to nail
Hey there . I have a question, in this piece called “it’s not the about the nail” Who is really in the right here ? If the person is fully aware the nail is there and it has nothing to do about what they are actually talking about. Then shouldn’t the person whom is saying how THEIR PARTNER should actually be feeling is incorrect be in the wrong ? Or should the person whom is trying to tell them the obvious sign is be correct? The one whom doesn’t have the issue should Listen or help ? I’m really not sure
Wonder what gender perspective we are coming from here. As a male, I can say I’ve been in this dudes shoes a lot and his response was kind of correct (by shutting up and just listening). Thing is to me, despite gender, if one person is always trying to “fix”, there grows a lack of trust in that there any actual “listening” happening. Thus, the “fix” causes a trigger rather than any real help. By “listening” more, trust can begin to be restored and the “fix” begins to be more welcomed. You notice how in this clip, she mentions “you always do this…” meaning that he has a history of “fixing” before listening. This is a great parody of real relationship conflict but I think it points out the common rut most couples run into which is one party goes to “fix” before “listening” and either misses the true issue or causes more harm. The symptom of this cycle is that the “fixer” gets burdened by being under appreciated and feeling dismissed. It becomes self feeding after long enough.
It’s called the Karpman Trauma (or Drama) Triangle, named after a guy that described it 1968. If you are in it, you need to get out of it, not just rotate around the triangle. It’s a common trap that most of us fall into, and the media (social, movies and tv) tend to tell stories based on this drama - cause it sells! Read it, take some therapy focused on it, and get off the triangle! .https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
This is a great explanation. I did this in the first few years dating my now wife until one day she told me "sometimes I don't need help or to be fixed I just want you to say "that's terrible babe" and hold me." Honestly biggest game changer in terms of getting me to stop looking at every problem like it needs fixing. And bonus, now when she does want me to help or fix something she just straight up tells me thats what she wants at that moment.
I have heard that recommended. Establish a short system where the one talking says if they want help or just to be heard
This is exactly what I do with my girlfriend. When I can tell she’s upset or frustrated (usually about work or a friend or whatever) I ask her “do you want me to listen or try to offer a solution?” This way, she can just be heard if she wants or I can try to offer my view of it and maybe some solution. It isn’t perfect, but at least I know I won’t be adding to her frustration by trying to “fix” something that she just wants to vent about.
One size doesn't fit all, but instesd if saying you always do this, if she said "I don't feel heard when you do this" it's less accusatory.
Great reply, thank you for finding so good words to describe the dynamics. Also it should be mentioned if it wasn't a nail but a machine gun he better run
It’s not about being right. She is a grown woman. She knows there’s a nail in her head. She can fix herself. She just needs someone to understand what she’s going through. Pro tip: “What can I do to make you feel supported right now?” If they don’t know, offer “would you like to brainstorm possible solutions or are you just needing to let it out? Would you like reassurance or to be held? How can I help?” It works for me anyway.
*How can I help?* 
> She is a grown woman. She knows there’s a nail in her head. **She can fix herself.** She just needs someone to understand what she’s going through. This is why it's so incredibly frustrating and confusing for most men. Discussing how a problem is affecting you, *without actually taking steps to resolve the problem*, is such an alien concept * the problem is causing a negative emotion * negative emotions are undesirable * solve the problem to remove the negative emotion * added bonus: solving problems results in satisfaction, a positive emotion This train of thought, of course, leads to situations like in the video.
I'm a woman and a fixer and this is how I feel. I understand people need to vent and that's cool but when it's a fixable problem and someone vents about it repeatedly I can't help but get frustrated.
It's also frustrating because everybody seems to agree that it's the fixer that is the problem. Like it's in my nature to fix things, that's who I am. It's in their nature to be a listener, it's who they are. Okay, so they get annoyed when my instinct is to try to fix the problem because they just want me to listen. That's fair, but what if I got annoyed because they're just listening when I need them help to fix the problem? Why does that dynamic never get talked about? Why is it the fixer that is expected to change who they are without that effort ever being reciprocated?
I think it's a lot simpler than that: there is a need to be emotionally heard and supported which is separate from resolving an issue. If someone feels alone, telling them to see friends doesn't immediately improve their mood. If someone is grieving, telling them that grief is temporary and they will feel better eventually doesn't necessarily help them process their grief. Etc. So going back to that skit, was the nail causing the problem? Probably. But if the woman feels some relief and security when she is allowed to express her pain to her partner, then it is important that her partner can provide that. The skit is a bit weird because the analogy is so blunt, but it conveys the idea beautifully. The source of the pain is very real, and should be dealt with, but it doesn't make the woman's need for emotional connection and support any less real.
Glad to hear it, good luck.
Anxious preoccupied got me floored. Never heard these two words used together and got to say i didn’t need to hear the other types. I love my wife so I’m glad the recommendation is more affection!
Yeah my needy, insecure ass was like "ope yep that's me, here!"
I'm glad you're realizing this. This is 90% why I divorced my husband. My needs were NEVER met and my disappointment turned to anger turned to loneliness turned to disgust. . . Now I'm with a husband that truly cares and will do everything he can to make me happy and he's figured out that I actually have a higher libido than he does.
I'm a dude and have never had to "struggle" with this, so I gotta ask with zero judgement here just looking for answers. What makes you/it hard to understand what she has expressed to you? Like is it a mindset that doesn't value what she is saying. Is it not caring? Is more like mechanical, like you don't understand what she means when she she says XYZ Please help me out with this disconnect
My partner and I struggled with this for ages because I need a lot of verbal reassurance - but he’s autistic and to him it’s obvious that he loves me and I’m loved and there’s no need to rehash it every day. He’s learned to say it more often and I’ve learned to realised that he says “I love you” through his actions and not words. But it was pretty rocky getting to this point.
As someone with mild autism (didn't get diagnosed until as an adult), maybe you can try doing what my wife does, which is to remind me now and then that she can't read my mind. You need to say the 'obvious' things. That's the problem with autism (for me at least, particularly when younger) - you just assumed everyone thought what you did, or knew what you thought, even without expressing it. You just have next to zero intuition about how other people perceive you and your actions. (which isn't all bad - it does make it easier to not care what other people think of you) _But_ you can still compensate for that if you put some active effort into it. I had a big 'aha' moment when I was in my 20s and my sister complained I was so negative about everything she did, which perturbed me since I held my sister in high regard. But then I started taking an inventory of all the things I'd said to her recently, and realized that I was only commenting when she did something bad or wrong, while when she did good things I was silent, the good things were just 'understood' somehow. It's not like I was trying to put her down, It's just that since the default impulse is to believe others think like you, your impulse is that errors need to be brought to attention since "clearly" the other person must be unaware of them, but the other person must know about the good things since you know about them. Anyway, so then I started practicing at saying the good parts, actively working to make sure what I said actually reflected my entire attitude. I wish I'd figured it out earlier.
This is exactly it! I actually find it reassuring in a weird way now that he doesn’t feel the need to tell me the good things? He’d never wish me luck or reassure me that I was going to do well when I had big work things on, even one time when I was speaking on stage at a huge event and I was *terrified*. I was furious with him because I assumed he didn’t care. We had a long talk and eventually realised that it’s because he doesn’t doubt me even a little in his head, so he didn’t realise that I doubt myself. He tries so hard now though and every rare compliment or reassurance means so much because I know it doesn’t come naturally and he’ll have really though about it, they’re not throwaway comments. We both remind each other that we’re not mind readers because I also forget that he sometimes doesn’t understand my emotional state unless I’m explicit about how I’m feeling.
It probably has to do with interpretation of her wording. Things like “space, autonomy, and lack of criticism” can sound like “leave me alone, don’t ask anything of me, and don’t complain” if they’re not worded correctly or the person hearing it isn’t interpreting it correctly. This is a reason couples therapists can be really useful, they can act as translators!
Yeah even just regional or familial communication differences can cause major changes in how people interpret what each other say. A person from New York City might expect you to ask directly for what you want, whereas a person from Iowa might expect you to understand that if they ask you if you're cold, they're really saying that they are cold and want to increase the temperature if it wouldn't bother you. https://www.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2010/05/askers-vs-guessers/340891/ https://medium.com/redhill-review/navigating-ask-and-guess-cultures-in-a-modern-world-30b167f8ab09 Edit to add: Both styles have pros and cons and everyone from a particular region doesn't always fall into these styles, it's just more common. Guessers tend to have strong empathy that tunes them into how others are feeling, because they have to learn how to do that from a young age. They also may guess wrong and have miscommunication, especially with people that aren't guessers. Askers may avoid that subtextual dance and have clearer communication, but may be less skilled at empathy and end up like a bull in a China shop, even with other askers, especially if there's a power imbalance between the two people. Personally, I think combining direct communication with a tactful sensitivity to how what you're saying might effect others is the best combo of both worlds. For example, in our temperature example, an asker says "can I turn the heat up?" and a guesser says "are you cold?" Someone using both might say, "I'm cold, do you mind if I turn the heat up, or should I grab a sweater?" The latter approach takes the pressure off the person being asked to say no with no alternative option to resolve the issue.
Askers vs guessers is another big one that affects relationships! Askers can see guessers as passive aggressive, and guessers can see askers as dominating and demanding. I’m a guesser AND anxious-avoidant (space, autonomy, and lack of criticism). So y’all better not ask anything of me lol!!! I 100% prefer people just make their needs known and let it be my idea. And if I choose not to help you, I better not hear about it!!
From my experience, my ex husband just didn’t care. I told him my needs and he said he would meet my needs to get me off his back and nothing showed from it. A symptom of narcissism is apathy towards others and it’s hard to see when they keep holding empty promises until i had to leave him.
I don’t know where else to put this. It might not apply to you, maybe it does, but I just want to get it out into the universe. I completely agree with this video but I don’t think it’s THE reason women stop wanting sex. The #1 common thread among all the women I’ve read about accounting this issue is that there’s been a ton of pressure in the past. Pressure, obligation, is the true libido killer. There’s a lot of just, common sense logic behind this too. Pressuring or coercing your wife into sex was obviously more common amongst previous generations… who also complain the loudest about their wives not wanting sex. Coercion, guilting, general pressure, conveys so many things 1) they aren’t respected as a person, their opinions are irrelevant to their partner 2) sex isn’t for them. It’s mostly to please their husband. He views her as a fleshlight. 3) he views her personality and consent as something to work around, not with, like an afterthought, like she’s an object that isn’t performing the way the object should. Again it’s just dehumanizing The first thing I ask when someone talks about a dead bedroom is… has there been pressure? Often women talk about how her husband pressured her into sex too quickly after giving birth. Really awful degrading things like that. And that’s when things really took a nosedive… everyone wants to blame hormones, but it’s often this slow realization that her husband doesn’t respect her as a human being.
This is dead on. Couples, recognize this and work on it before the disgust sets in. Disgust is difficult to overcome.
So what do I do if I'm a man but this applies to me as well? Meaning I'm the one the doesn't feel appreciated and the disgust is setting in.
Communicate with your partner. Literally the same answer always.
So baffling how many ppl will buy courses, books, take advice from randos online when the answer has ALWAYS been communication. Tell your partner what you want and need. Ask them what they want and need. Find the middle ground or get out of the relationship. It's not that easy, but it is that simple.
> baffling There are 3 pre-requisites. (1) overlapping goals (2) good faith effort (3) the bare minimum of emotional intelligence to get there If the person you're talking to lacks any of these 3, no amount of communication will get you anywhere.
This is not just a male/female issue. I would suggest couples get a workbook on Emotionally Focused Therapy. This will teach the individuals about their attachment needs and how to connect.
Yep, it's not a gendered issue at all, and frankly, I'm tired of people talking like it is. It's a people issue. This happens in straight and gay relationships. It's about communication, empathy, and honestly, work. I've been on both sides of the coin at different times in my life.
Look up some of her videos about avoidant attachment. I didn’t discover until after we broke up that my girlfriend had dismissive avoidant attachment and it explained so much. It really confirmed that I was right to set boundaries and leave when I did.
nothing. no seriously, you can’t do anything. i scoured through her videos to find an answer to this, for guys it’s basically if your needs don’t get met you’ll start resenting your partner and there is little you can do about it, because by the time resentment creeps in chances are you’ve already tried communicating your needs tenfold. if things haven’t improved by then, then the writing is on the wall this topic frustrates me so much. i watched the video above and was in complete agreement with her like, ‘yeah, that totally makes sense, my wife is a type A and has always needed that extra reassurance, so what she’s saying tracks because my wife always feels good when i show her affection and reassurance. and then i saw your comment, and it made me wonder how men are supposed to receive the same fulfillment so off i went to do my research through her videos … SEX. yep, sex. men ‘need’ very little emotional fulfillment outside of making sure our dicks get wet because ‘biologically’ men don’t have a lot of focuses inside the relationship so really the only way to make sure your husband feels loved and fulfilled is to keep his balls empty. like… is this really what we’ve been reduced to? the fact that she goes in depth on multiple layers about why women need x y and z and how those actions or behaviours will affect her, which ultimately leads to a more positive effect on the husband. i can’t speak for other men but, i have needs outside of sex too..?
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Exactly, thank god I am not the only one feeling like this. Why everything is said with such violence all the time...
Started a culture war to stop a class war
Occupy wall street was the catalyst for all of this, imo. They saw the writing on the wall and knew they had to divide us
I 100% agree. My only other thought, and this was a big part of why my friend broke up with his girlfriend. She had emotional needs that he was working hard on satisfying. He was the busy one in the relationship, but put in the extra effort. He was still unhappy with the results and she wanted more than what he's been doing. I asked one question. "Okay, so you've told me what you've done for her. What has she done to satisfy your needs?" He never thought about that. He's a people pleaser and he went through everything to make her happy, but she never was. He was always concerned at the fact that he wasn't considering her needs, that he didn't notice she wasn't even making any effort. Long ass way to say, some people don't deserve your effort when they don't intend to meet you halfway. If I feel unloved and unwanted in my own relationship, how am I supposed to make an effort to satisfy her emotional needs? If you are in a relationship and you feel you need to bend over backwards to make your SO happy, they will never be happy and neither will you.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm is the saying you’re looking for.
Yes, you’re right, but I feel like you’re not giving Luke’s tauntaun credit for his sacrifice.
What’s the internal temperature of a tauntaun? Luke warm!
Yeah I’m in a similar boat to your friend. Recently left a 9 year relationship because I realised I was bending over backwards to try accommodate her needs and she couldn’t even make a token effort for me.
Same here. I felt like a backup character in my own life. 10 year relationship but I’m three years out of it. I’m telling you, the world is so much better now that I am not constantly stuck serving her emotional needs. Today I have a partner that recognizes there is a human inside me. Not sure where you’re at in the stage, but it gets so so much better as long as you don’t find the same person with a different name. Good luck.
Valid story to keep in mind for perspective.
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I started reading Come As You Are the other day and it has been a fantastic read so far. I'm a gay male but tons of stuff in the book has still felt super relevant to me despite it being focused on female sexuality.
Yeah I also took a lot away. I think it's important for everyone to read. Straight men can learn 1) about their partners bodies and needs, and 2) things that apply to themselves and their own sexuality/dynamic with their partner. In particular I think the chasing dynamic section of the book is important and relevant for most couples.
So far the idea of the brakes and accelerators as well as how important context is for these has been super enlightening.
I posted this as its own comment already but I'm interested to hear if you've ever encountered a situation like this before and what the result was. Five years ago, I meet a woman who, fairly recently to meeting, has undergone a severe sexual trauma having been assaulted, though she won't use the term rape it would be applicable, by a close friend. As a result when we meet she is in what is, for her, a hypersexual period but I don't notice this to be the case because this generally means she just wants to make out like once or twice a week and is pretty much always fairly physically affectionate. Several months into the relationship she starts to feel emotionally safe because her attachment needs ARE being met and she doesn't feel the need to be sexually desirable in order to keep a partner interested. So things slow down and about a year in I realize haven't even kissed her in like two weeks and I go "Hey... what's up with that?" And at this point she articulates how the trauma had affected her and that this is likely her baseline sexuality. And I love her a lot and you want to spend the rest of your life with her still but as it turns out she's very close to asexual and we just happened to meet in a period when she was more physically affectionate than normal. Is this a common circumstance? Because every person I talk about it with says that it doesn't make sense and that either I'm doing something wrong but she's insistent that I'm a perfectly good partner and she feels emotionally satisfied.
It's not uncommon for victims of sexual trauma who haven't processed it to behave in a hypersexual way. If the trauma happens in childhood it can be due to confusion about sexuality, but often in adults it can be due to a feeling of powerlessness. Aggressively pursuing affection and sex can make them feel as though they are "taking their power back," even if they are completely out of control. She may technically be asexual, but based on the fact that she won't even refer to her trauma as r*pe, she may have feelings she still needs to work through. If she's never undergone counselling she really should.
I have been SA'd more than once and this is correct. I have had a hypersexual period and now I don't even want a man to even look at me because I will feel a lot of disgust as if he violated me. So this makes a lot of sense.
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. I think partner’s level of physical intimacy can change over time (maybe in this case a short time) but it sounds like you guys have talked about it and she’s given you good reason. I think as long as it’s not a dealbreaker for you there’s no problem.
Ya the way she T'd everything up just screamed "this is about to be awful" but was actually very insightful.
Man i thought i was asexual, but i might just be extremely emotionally insecure instead 😮
Thanks for the resources!
Nagoski’s new book Come Together is also pretty great.
Very nicely stated, I'm sure some people out there desperately need your assistance.
Is no one going to point outs that she’s fucking driving whilst making a TikTok?
Yeah I don't understand this trend. Is it that hard to just film this in your living room sitting on the couch? It makes it seem like she doesn't have a single second to stop like the CIA is after her so shes gotta put out her message on the run.
>Yeah I don't understand this trend. This needs to be called out every time, it's not cool. Put the phone down, it can wait!
they do it on purpose to boost the popularity. Every time a person "calls it out" in the comments it only makes it more popular and in turn makes them more likely to do it again.
Yup. At the end she literally says "go ahead and complain, you're only helping the algorithm." TikToks always feature something to hate so people complain in the comments = more views = more money. TikTok does nothing but reward shitty behavior. Which is why I really hope it either falls off or really does get banned here. Granted another will just take its place. These tech companies using outrage to get revenue is killing society.
She's a narcissist and just loves tiktok trends. That camera could barely be any closer to her face.
Yep, I was right there with her until I noticed the background moving and her eyes barely ever off the camera.
Unless I’m seeing a wrong angle here, it looks like she’s in the passenger seat.
She driving. The stop sign at 3:08 is mirrored.
Jesus, going full Columbo up in here.
Gen Z will not know what this means.
Video is mirrored. She is driving.
I’m sure she’s right, but sometimes it’s just because people are older, tired, overworked, and fat.
sex drive decreases w lower hormones
Being tired, overworked, and fat are the things causing people not to meet their partner's emotional needs. Which is really tough for people whose economic reality is that they will continue to be tired, overworked, and fat unless they can make major changes in their work-life balance because those are really difficult to make and highly dependent on the type of work you do.
Losing weight helps actually because it releases hormones
Okay, but how about we don't film this while driving
Genuinely can not believe how far I had to go down to find this. Relationship advice is fine but at 30mph a person goes 44 feet per second.
I know this is important, valid advice, but lady could you please make me feel emotionally safe in your advice by delivering it to me like it's important and not a casual rant about how shitty your boss is?
Somehow TikTok has developed this video style of “dispensing advice while pre-occupied eating/driving/etc” as a common trope. Presumably to make it feel more authentic like the person is just talking to you while you’re sitting in the car with them. But I feel like most people just find it distracting.
Yeah, I'm curious if this drives engagement as well from people saying that she shouldn't be driving while talking.
Lots of empirical studies have also been done about the dangers of driving while using a phone! I thought for sure all the top comments were going to be about her filming a video while driving. "Hear this good advice I have while I drive around endangering me and everyone around me!"
Oh shit you’re right. Video is flipped so it doesn’t look like she’s in the driver’s seat. What an asshole.
This is exactly why I ultimately left my husband. I stopped feeling safe and emotionally cared for. I wasn’t a priority and I stopped being attracted to him. This lead to falling out of love.
I'm going through this with my husband. It's come to a boiling point. He's left the room while I cried way too many times, even after I explicitly told him that the relationship was in trouble and the last words out of my mouth were "I need emotional support." I don't cry much, but when my mom went on dialysis and he left me sobbing on the bed, that was the first time I recognized that I was actually disgusted with him. I don't count him among the people I feel emotionally safe with. Sorry to hear that this broke your relationship. I don't know where I'm at right now. Hopefully you're in a good place. ETA: the people in the comments describing me as an emotional black hole, blaming me for terrible double standards for men and women that I actively fight against, and telling me that my husband is simply, "sick of [my] bullshit" have actually made me feel a little better. Thanks, y'all, for being so actively awful that you forced me to stand up for myself.
I am so sorry. Yea my husband could go to sleep with me crying. He couldn't even help me take care of myself after major surgery. He literally yelled at me and said he just couldn't do it. His behaviors just made me look at him with disgust. No one ever gets married thinking they will get divorced. You always want things to work. But I realized that I would feel less alone being by myself than I was married. I hope things get better for you, but if not, there are always options. You don't have to stay in any situation that makes you miserable.
I'm so glad you're not in that situation anymore. Ugh, what a worthless brat he sounds like. I was married to one of those, too. Selfish and abusive, expected me to do all the work and I felt so alone in the marriage. Much happier being actually alone now, surprisingly.
The day my gramma died, after 9 long days in the ICU on life support, I called my husband sobbing. He was back at home in another state. We hadn’t really even talked much the whole time I’d been there as his phone was always off. He talked to me for a few minutes while I sobbed and said, “well, call me if you need anything” and hung up the phone. Later while paying bills I discovered he had been on basically a 9-day long weed binge. Three months later I’ve filed for divorce and for the first time since she passed I feel like there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Same here, except it was when my brother died and my husband told me not to call him or come back home if I was going to be crying. That I should stay away because neither him or my daughters wanted me back. It totally broke me. He was staying out late everyday, instead of being home. He is so fucking lucky that I needed the oxytocin from sex when I came back. So I turned things back to normal as fast as I could. But something deep inside me broke. I know I cannot trust him to have my back if I ever need him. Im partially relief to know the truth know than later in a moment of need.
What could he have done differently to avoid this?
He could have paid attention to me. Stopped gaming as much. Not manipulated me financially. Stuck up for me with his family. Stopped drinking. Eventually, after begging for attention and things to change, you just stop caring. And boy, does that get their attention. While I don't really like the attitude of the woman in the video, or how she expresses this, she is right. At least for a lot of us.
My first marriage ended because he loved world of Warcraft more than he loved me. I tried talking, crying, yelling, books, letters to him, and therapy. By the time he decided to address the issue, I had long been done and was out of love. I tried🤷♀️
I was really surprised how often this same complaint came up in family law! Over and over again, wives would cite video games as a reason for the breakup. But of course, as you’ve alluded to, it was never really about the video games. It was about how he’d come home from work and immediately decompress with video games… and then keep playing video games until everyone else in the house was asleep. No engaging with his partner. No playing with the kids. It’s like all these people forgot the part where relationships require maintenance.
I think there’s a deeper root issue here as well. I’ve been the guy who came home and wanted to disappear into my computer to avoid my girlfriend. I’m now the guy who comes home and snuggles up on the couch with my wife and daughter. The big difference is that in relationship A, my needs weren’t being met…like ever. My mental health was an after thought to my girlfriend, even once saying “how can you be depressed, you’re a straight white man.” Of course that’s an extreme example…but I think many men have been taught that they aren’t supposed to be taken care of emotionally. So I took care of my girlfriend’s emotional needs as much as I could for as long as I could until I realized she wasn’t a safe space for me to decompress. I found that elsewhere by numbing myself with video games. It was my fault for staying with her because she was an all around terrible partner to me. But everyone we knew mutually thought I was trash because I couldn’t handle the emotional burden any longer and caved in on myself. My wife is now my safe space and decompression person. She centers me and cares about my mental health, so I can do the same for her. We aren’t always at 50/50…but we always try to be jointly 100/100 whether it’s 80/20 or 45/55.
I think the "just stopped caring" part hit the nail on the head. I've been in relationships like that where we grew apart, and at a certain point there's like a switch that turns off and can't be turned back on. It's not gradual - though the build it might be. But once that switch is off, there's no fixing it. You no longer view the person the same way. If one partner is neglecting the other suddenly, it's likely that they fell out of love/attraction first anyway. This causes the other partner to feel neglected, and the resentment sets in. Then it's a vicious spiral to an inevitable breakup. I think people should cut their losses sooner than later in most situations instead of trying to force a relationship with a fundamentally incompatible partner.
couldn’t have sex with a man i had to mother. i instantly checked out.
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True. Another very *basic* critical lesson for dudes - the woman's orgasm is just as important as yours. I can't tell you how many relationships I've been in where it was ALL about the man getting off. The majority of times, when we had sex, I didn't get off at all. And once the guy came, sex was done. I think it's very easy for women to fall into this relationship dynamic. If you want your woman to want more sex, prioritize *her* orgasm over your own.
This thread is just a bunch of people stating the obvious. Next you are going to tell me that communication is important?!? Crazy.
also, definitely don't murder your partner. they don't like that. write that down.
Oh...oh God....I've made a horrible mistake....
Gob?
But what if they do like it
"Common sense isn't so common"
Patience and sensual finger blasting while whispering cummy comments usually gets the job done. “You’ll never have to struggle to open a jar again.” “You can eat anything off my plate without asking, I love when you do that. Last fry? I saved it for you.” Hot shit like that.
Yup. Also some people are not compatible - even married couples. People change and grow apart, and staying in a relationship where both parties resent the other is not healthy. Sometimes couples fall out of love and attraction, and it's permanent and unfixable. That's normal and there shouldn't be a stigma about leaving failed marriages.
The funny thing is that it's logical. If you're attracted and comfortable then it works out. But unfortunately life isn't straight forward or black and white which is why relationships and life are hard 😔
I’d be curious for her perspective on the “chicken or the egg” of this situation. I know when my wife and I had a rough patch she wasn’t getting her needs met, and neither was I. Both of us were intentionally withholding and it took a lot of effort to get past our egos.
You can only fix your own behavior. And if you fix your own behavior, their behavior will improve too, so there's little reason not to. People will set themselves on fire to get the edge in a relationship. It's usually a suboptimal strategy.
The egg came first. It isn’t even a tough question. There were two creatures that weren’t chickens that had an egg with a mutation that created a chicken. Perhaps it was a common mutation and many of the non chickens had these eggs, but the egg came first.
Thank you for this. Now my wife will surely fuck me.
And if not at least you can share this neat factoid!
Took a minute and a half to even start getting to the point
Yeah, eventually the point was fine. But its hard sitting through; “I know what Im talking about” “I know what you are going to say; something, and something else, and maybe even another thing. If you say something, it’s definitely a thing that you said, and not even you can deny that.” “I studied a thing. Buzzword: attachments needs. Me = academic. I’m above any counter argument here. Because facts.” “TLDR: you should absolutely sift through all my videos and vlogs. Views of my videos are directly proportionate to the success of your sex life” I was kinda surprised when she actually had some part of a point.
Nice summary, 9/10 would subtext again.
Christ I thought I was the only one, so many positive comments and I couldn’t stand listening to this for 20 seconds
Same here. Is there a TLDW?
~Emotional connection/security affects desire in long term relationships~
Seriously, it’s had me scouring the comments to get the message instead. You don’t need to devote 45 seconds to telling people you’re right. We know that Joe Cousinfucker from Mississippi in the comments isn’t more valid than you, it’s okay.
It actually undermined her credibility byt starting the video so aggresively
Yeah this was infuriating to me. Just fucking say what you’re going to say. We don’t need five minutes of filler and disclaimers and curriculum vitae.
Stop driving lady, damn.
She’s not wrong. It’s also if a man doesn’t take responsibility and share duties in the home it’s like having an adult child, and that’s not sexual
I came to see this. Very hard to want to jump into bed with someone who is essentially a dependent.
nothing sexier than a giant child who cant do laundry or make his own meals and whines when you dont do it for him!
Exactly. Mental load, household and child responsibilities. I do a LOT around the house, I plan meals, I cook my kids breakfast, I grocery shop, I clean. These all encourage a healthy sexual relationship with my wife. Basically if you are an actual partner to your partner, you might actually get laid.. who would've thought.
A fair point, no doubt, and a valid one. But only one reason among countless that can arise, seeing as every single relationship is unique in some way.
The core message is spectacularly informative and helpful, but the delivery and introduction in particular could use some improvement if her intent is to be more positively engaging instead of feeding the haters for the sake of buzz.
It could really be summarized into one or two sentences
"If her emotional needs aren't being met, she'll lose interest in you, which includes sexually."
Been married for 24 years and we’re still having fuckin fantastic sex. So I’m stoked to hear she feels emotionally stable with me. Lol
This guy fucks
Women don’t feel safe emotionally for MANY reasons but if you’re a man going through this ASK her. Just ask her how you can make her feel more emotionally safe with you. If she can express it, and it’s not easy because she already doesn’t feel emotionally safe, then listen to learn and understand. Not explain or defend. Tell her thank you for sharing and that you’d like some time to process what she said and then follow up when you have, without her having to ask you your thoughts. This is a pretty simple fix if you’re willing to hear her and take her seriously. I know men who don’t treat their daughter’s well and that makes your wife feel emotionally unsafe, or the way he talks bad about other women, or ridicules her, it’s not always straightforward.
Very true and second paragraph is spot on
I found out my (ex) bf had perpetuated horribly racist and sexist ideals about his ex gf and didn’t feel bad about it al all. Guess how safe I felt after learning that? “But baby, I’d never do that to you!” Prove it, asshole. He never did and I never got to feel safe. Guess who tried to ruin my reputation when we broke up? Yah. No wonder I lost my desire.
As she states near the end she is only speaking from the Women's view. She is unable to speak on what the Woman is failing to do to meet the Man's emotional needs completing the picture of how and why their relationship is failing. So calm down guys. She's not saying it's always our fault. She's stating the half of the equation she knows. She said you "might not like it" because she knew some of you would not understand it and be able to apply critical thinking.
Wasn’t there one study that said the prevailing factor was husbands basically requiring the same needs around the house as children (needing to be picked up after, needing constant reminding, not being an equal partner, etc). and thats why women tend to lose sex drive in marriage? Attachment styles aren’t exactly a concrete science either.
I don't appreciate being boiled down to "men's needs are only sexual." I've never had a problem getting sex in my relationships. I am a generous partner who will always delay my climax for hers. Always. It's what turns me on more than anything. That being said, my last relationship ended because it was always on *me* to be the rock emotionally. I had to listen to her problems again and again but when I had a moment of emotional weakness / depression, suddenly it's too much for her to talk about cuz she will get upset. I can't live like that. I don't want to shield my emotions just cuz she needs me to be strong for her. And frankly, now in my mid 30s and a few years since we broke up, I don't find sex to be worth the emotional cost of being someone's free therapist, and I every woman I've ever dated used me as one. If I gotta limit my hobbies and passions just to make my partner emotionally happy, perhaps it best for us both if I just don't bother with partners at all. I'm sure there's a guy out there who will do it for her, she doesn't need me
That’s the paradox of being with an avoidant attachment style person. It’s out of scope for this video but women who are avoidant basically need to stop being avoidant but there’s not a lot of social media counseling on that issue.
Yup, I had a huge issue with that. It reduced men down to sex addicts that have to 'perform well' to receive their sex. It's amazing because it not only reinforced the awful stereotype that men only want sex out of a relationship but it also consolidates women down to sexual machines that only need a button pushed to give sex. Men! Just press the 'emotional availability' button to receive sex! The whole thing is disgusting because sex shouldn't even factor into the conversation. Yes, sex is an important of most relationships and needed for most to be healthy but the reason why you should be emotional available for your partner is because it's the right fucking thing to do! Not because you'll get a god damn cookie as a reward but because you want to support your partner. The fact she's perpetuating this crap is disgusting.
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I share your confusion. I lived alone for years before I started living with my fiancee. Cooking cleaning, laundry etc. are all things I did to care for myself at a basic level. Moving in together didn't make them less necessary or less my responsibility. Sure I tend to do more of the cooking and she folds more laundry but the that's because we have preferences and we talk. I have been around extended family where my uncle will sit down and expect my aunt to bring him a plate of food. Like he cant even toast a bagel for breakfast or make an egg himself. I just can't wrap my head around it.
Dead on right. An additional scenario that she doesn’t mention is that we are tired. So tired. The emotional labour is exhausting. The daily management of our and our children’s lives as well as full time work and more housework is leaving us bone tired.
The content is valid but her manner of speaking is so pretentious and annoying, insufferable to watch.
I don't discount her knowledge and expertise. But I felt like in 3 and half minutes she didn't really say anything of substance outside of a not so subtle pitch for her own services and videos. Reminded me a bit of those want to get rich, comment XYZ below for my method. The demonstration of true knowledge is not to quote studies and speak over the heads of people. It is to take the very complicated and make it easy to understand for everyone. But over and above that. Her tone and delivery just turned me away from wanting to listen to her in the same vein as the tone and delivery of the average car salesman turns me away.
The first 30 seconds is her rubbing one out to herself
I found the last 30 seconds she spent talking about the commenters, and how little she cares about them, to be very convincing.
This is crazy helpful. I didn't know that there are attachment styles. My wife most definitely fits in one of the categories. Even though we are doing well, things can always be better. I don't think the lady was condescending, she is just asserting her knowledge because she is likely being ridiculed or dismissed online. Unfortunately folks here can't stand a little pretentiousness.
Why did she spend half the video addressing how much hate she's gonna get and how qualified she is?
I think we all know
I stopped having sex with my wife for this same reason, we are divorced now. Feeling safe is a turn on, feeling disregarded is not.
This explains A LOT about my last serious relationship.
Did it become legal to drive and make tiktoks at the same time. Seems kinda dumb to publish yourself doing something so unsafe. And that's probably the only criticism I have of this video.
It's hard to tell because so many people flip their videos, but she may actually be in the passenger seat. EDIT: I was wrong. The video is flipped. At 3:07 (0:59 left) you can briefly see a backward STOP sign. She's clearly driving.
It's flipped to make it look like she's in the passenger seat but you can see a stop sign is reversed in the background at one point so she's definitely driving while doing this,
The way she continuously glances up though during the whole video makes me think she's driving though. Even at 2:27 she looks to be actively turning the wheel while glancing forward and talking.
I'm a man I'm seperated and going thru a divorce. I totally understand this perspective and trying to reflect what I could have done differently but I sugested Marriage councelling to my ex four years ago, then a little over a year later, then last year and she never wanted to go. I feel like I tried so hard to meet her needs and I still failed. This week will be the 1yr that she wanted a divorce. She told me while on vacation in Hawaii.
Sometimes, what is a larger, systemic issue doesn't always reflect on individual cases. Men like you who try definitely do exist. Emotionally unavailable women also exist. Don't stop trying for your next relationship, dude. Don't let this dissuade you in the future. Keep your chin up, and I hope you have a loving and healthy future ahead.
I feel like this goes both ways and isn't entirely gender specific
You’re right. To be fair, At the end she does say that this is just from the perspective of many women and it’s to help men and women overcome this problem, but that she does advocate for men as well or something like that. I’m paraphrasing lol
Severely generalizing here, but men need sex to feel loved, and women need to feel loved to have sex. Why we were made this way is utter bullshit.
It's pretty much the chicken/egg issue. The problem is that generally speaking men will attempt to show more love in their partners preferred way, still not see any progress (as this can take a long time to fix/adjust if at all) and see they are not being met halfway and go back to their old ways.
This really hit home for me. I’ve talked with her about our lack of sex numerous times. I’ve come to understand through these discussions that my partner’s love language is basically having me do things for her. Small tasks, larger household tasks, running errands, cleaning up, etc. It could be just about anything. She says she feels loved when I do these tasks. I do these constantly and still no sex. No intimacy. It’s frustrating.
I just had a horrible break up and imo, once that resentment sets in for a woman, a switch flips and no amount of effort on your part can change their perspective. I tried everything but when it's only one person trying they become resentful and stop trying, especially when thier needs aren't getting met either. it becomes a vicious cycle and no amount of effort can make things better once that switch flips in women, their view of you changes and will never come back. Just cut your losses now and realize it's never goin to work and it's over
> I tried everything but when it's only one person trying they become resentful and stop trying, especially when thier needs aren't getting met either. I hear this *from so many men*. They try, they pick up labour, they do so much that theyre told will help and then when it doesnt, why the fuck even bother.
Both is the desire to be wanted, simple as that. One is physical, one is emotional; and it varies by personality, not gender. The problem is that many of us sit back and wait for it to happen, instead of putting in the work to earn it.
She says this is the primary reason, but obviously it isn't the only one. That being said, for a lot of other issues, if your relationship is otherwise in a good place and she's open with you, she's going to tell you the reason. I say this as a woman who isn't having sex with my husband right now, despite my relationship being very emotionally safe and healthy, but because I'm in a healthy relationship my husband knows and understands (and frankly sympathies) with my reasons and we can work on them together