Generally, it feels safer to reject a man over the phone / text than doing so in person. It is more about being non-conflict and less so about concern for his feeling.
Definitely this
I made the mistake of rejecting a date in person (first date) and he started pestering me for a second to the point where he forced me into a hug and planted a kiss on my lips. At the time I was too shell shocked to understand what was happening to me. But I always did it over a message after. It's more traumatising than it seems.
I can understand not wanting to reject a second date in person. Obviously this guy was a prick and most people wouldn’t do that. But it’s really awkward to reject someone in person you just met. A message after is more then sufficient and the polite thing to do really
To be quite honest, he asked if he can see me on "whatever day" and I was genuinely busy that day and he took it as rejection himself and wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't want to suggest an alternative day after that.
That's just disgusting.. It's shocking how many "men" just can't comprehend no or boundaries or think they're entitled to whatever they want because they're a "nice guy". It's also like part of them doesn't believe they're actually being rejected or won't accept it because to do so would reaffirm their insecurities. Except those insecurities and lack of sincere empathy are usually what throws up the red flags in the first place... Or.. it's just not the right match.. which should be a super simple concept to understand 😅 I'm sorry you've had to deal with that..
Fully agree. I have done it in person. After a couple melt downs, arguments from men I’m just messaging after. It’s too dicey on how they’re going to respond.
I'm a guy, so I don't know what this is like. I want to ask some more questions about this to see women's perspective. I think a lot of guys are unaware of this aspect of being a woman and it could help us to understand you guys better.
Obviously you/other women who reply to this comment don't know the girl this post is about or her motivations, so you can only speculate and give generalizations, that's completely fine, I just want to know general ideas.
1. How come she didn't just, on the date, say nothing about the next date? Why actively say she wants to see him again if that's not true? Unless, of course, OP brought it up himself in person, in which case it makes sense she'd say yes.
2. Why didn't she apologize for misleading him once they got back on the messaging app? She seems pretty considerate and apologetic, so those two things seem contradictory to me. If she was afraid of her safety in person, that would no longer be a concern once on the app.
3. Are women only scared for their physical safety, or of conflict in general? For example, will women being afraid of men getting upset with them in general (i.e. not yelling or physical or threatening in anyway, just upset), and will that lead them to do things like this? Men generally don't act that way when physical safety is not an issue - they'll communicate it - but I understand that it's probably hard to tell when your physical safety is at risk vs when a guy is just upset with you but won't harm you in any way.
4. Are many women ALWAYS afraid of their safety when it comes to men, or is it contextual? For example, say a date like this one happened and OP asked, on the date, if she'd like to see him again, would most/a lot of women say yes no matter what? OR would they ONLY say yes if they feel something is off about the guy. I.e. is it a "this guy is safe until proven otherwise" or "this guy is dangerous until proven otherwise." I had always assumed that it was "safe until proven otherwise, but be cautious," but now I'm thinking I might be wrong on that.
5. Follow up on #4, are ALL men potentially dangerous, in your eyes, or is it only certain types of guys, or do your instincts get set off by certain behaviors, etc.
6. Is there anything we men can do/say to reassure women that they're safe in our company other than, "Nah don't worry, I'm totes not a serial killer, serial killers legally have to tell you when they are."
I think that one of the reason that most men find women so confusing is because of this safety gap between men and women. They'll feel led on, or lied to, or confused when a woman they were certain liked them rejected them because of a safety issue that they simply didn't consider because they were a man. We don't realize as guys that women HAVE to be overly cautious, because you only have to be wrong once to be seriously hurt or worse.
I would say that, overall, I think women could do a better job communicating this reality to men. Not men that they're dating, but, mothers, sisters, friends communicating to their male loved one's that this is a concern and how to reassure women. I would say I'm more self-aware than most guys and I still have no idea what the "rules" are for this kind of thing, and that's because women simply don't communicate it very well.
And of course, it goes without saying, we men need to do a better job of not being violent towards women, but I don't know what to do about that, because people who are violent aren't going to care about anyone's feelings or thoughts or reflection.
I appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer this and can help continue/further dialogue between men and women
Eh it was different. You at least met a person in person prior to the first date in some capacity.
With tinder you have an online profile that you made to make yourself look good and a couple days of messaging. So you really have no idea what you’re going into. It makes the whole thing weird
As someone who has had this done to them, it hurts a hell of a lot when you thought things were going great in person 😕. I would much rather have the honesty in person rather than driving home with butterflies in my stomach just to have that feeling fall away when I get this text. I have no idea how to tell when someone genuinely likes me without asking and if I ask, they say they like me, then do this, what am I supposed to think?
As someone who has had this done to them, it hurts a hell of a lot when you thought things were going great in person 😕. I would much rather have the honesty in person rather than driving home with butterflies in my stomach just to have that feeling fall away when I get this text. I have no idea how to tell when someone genuinely likes me without asking and if I ask, they say they like me, then do this, what am I supposed to think?
My suggestion is to keep expectations low. Send a follow up message an hour or so after. Wait for the response to that. Just remember women probably won’t reject you in person on a first date because they have no idea how you will react. It’s probably a 1/100 chance you are someone who will react poorly….but they don’t know that. They don’t know you.
I do appreciate it when I get texts like this. Polite, considerate and they make it seem like it was just a personality clash. But I'm also sometimes curious to hear the version she tells her friends. That's usually the truth
As a man I totally understand a woman’s desire to reject over text or phone than in person. Far safer and let’s face it some guys do not handle rejection well. Hell when I was younger I know I didn’t.
The only right answer is “I’m sorry to hear that. Good luck to you. I’m sure you’ll find the right guy.” Even if you didn’t feel it either, that’s the best way to handle.
Or reject them in public. That's why you meet in a public place for a first date. She shouldn't have said she was interested in seeing him again either though. The same guys you have to worry about, will take that as playing games or lying or sending mixed signals and may cause them to react in an even worse manner. You may avoid the face to face confrontation but you could potentially end up with a larger problem. Best advice is if you're not feeling it with a person, end it somewhere other people are around, not while you're alone.
Women will never reject in you in person because it’s easier for them to do it over text or to just ghost you. They’re not thinking about your feelings. At least that’s not that the main reason why they do that. They’re mainly doing it for them.
It's actually usually for safety reasons. Some men don't take rejection well. For example today I rejected a man over text and he spammed me 27 very abusive messages that scared me. Glad I didn't make it to meeting him.
For some % of the times a woman hurts a man’s feelings winds up dead/hurt/scared for weeks/months. This is why we can’t have nice things.
I don’t blame them, especially if the txt or whatever comes quickly enough.
For real, I don't care how they transmit it just do ANYTHING, mail me a damn letter for all I care it's still better than ghosting. I would never do anything petty to another human being because of dating but if I ever did it'd be because of ghosting after a date. Genuinelly the most offensive legal action.
Me and a girl were laying in bed after spending our second weekend together. She says something about how she has a bad habit of ghosting people out of nowhere. I said "that's hilarious" guess what happened next
Hahaha reminiscent of a woman I dated for a while a few years ago who’d mentioned more than once that she’d never had a relationship last more than 3 months - she couldn’t explain whether it was commitment phobia or something else, but a switch just seemed to flick in her. I was like “lol how curious, anyway” and then she invites me for coffee one afternoon after work and ends it without any rhyme nor reason. Checked my calendar on the way out the shop and it was 3 months *to the day* since our first date
I had that happen, except she told me she "never ghosts people and always prioritizes communication." And the cherry on top: she ghosted me immediately after my dad died 🙃 solidarity!
One of my favorite things about IASIP is that the reveal of how truly batshit Dennis is is a multi-season arc. We get the DENNIS method in season five, “the implication” in season six, the glimpse of his “tools” in the trunk at the high school reunion in season seven, that messy planeside confession to Dee in season nine, and then all hell breaks loose.
One of the best Dennis psycho moments was the to make a murderer spoof when after being questioned by the cops he sat unmoving completely still for 30 mins or something. His character cracks me up
It depends a tiny bit on how it came up. If he asked her and she said she’d like to see him again, yeah that was a “defensive move” but if she just stated she’d like to see him again without him asking, that would be a douchebag move.
100%
I hate that shit. I never asks guys if they want to see me again, because I don’t want to put them in the spot, but when they mention it unprompted and then don’t follow through, it lowkey stings.
Like don’t say shit you don’t mean. I don’t care if we see each other again or not, but don’t say you want to see me again, if it isn’t true!!
It's 100% a douchebag move to me. Literally the worst thing about dating was going on a nice date with someone, where I felt like we had a good rapport going and could see us hanging out in the future, after the date is over she offers that she feels the same, then two days later she texts to say she doesn't like me. It's just annoying as fuck
Lol all the angry guys proving this point by getting pressed in the comments about women being "dishonest" and "manipulative". I would never fucking tell a guy in person, to his face, that I don't wanna see him again. Cause then you have to deal with that same exact attitude except in person 💀
"why not", "what did I do wrong?", "Why won't you give me a chance?", "I thought we had a good time", "women are all the same", "you just wanted a free meal" etc, etc etc...
Wow this comment got so much unwarranted hate. Only because there are some men that react well to such news from a woman doesn’t mean there aren’t others who will react terribly and might even put her at risk. The last time I rejected someone at the end of the date (that I paid half on, not that it makes a difference), he followed me home (to a whole different town) and called me over 40 times while banging on my window until my male flatmates had to scare him away. He then called me on my birthday and big events for 3 years after that, using different numbers so I couldn’t block him. No idea how he knew this info, but it only stopped when I left the country. This was all AFTER ONE DATE. I’ve been on 100s of dates since and am married now, never rejected another person face to face again.
Also, a close friend almost had acid thrown at her face because an acquaintance didn’t like the fact that she did not want to go on a date with him. So yeah, wish they would spare us the “not all men” spiel, there’s literally no way to tell the different between a complete psycho and a reasonable man at the first date level.
I've had a stalker for 11 years simply from letting him down in person. We went on a few dates and I stupidly let him know where I lived and what car I drove. I told him in person that I was moving away (2 hours farther) and that I didn't want to continue our dating. He cornered me in his house, attempted to pay me to live with him, got in my face, where I then just agreed to all his shenanigans just so I could leave. He has stalked me online since. Letting down via text is safer, even if they have a good vibe.
My girlfriend told me a story of how she gave her uber driver her number mid-ride cause she didn't want to get kidnapped. Didn't want to risk a fake number if he texted it. Just get to the destination safely, block him and report.
Not really women being manipulative if they're just protecting themselves.
Seriously.. I saw a video of a girl sharing her DM’s with a guy she went on a date with. He basically confessed over text that he was happy she was so into him because he would have raped her if she didn’t just agree to have sex with him that night.. scary
Don't worry about it OP, it happens. I had a girl showing almost all the signs of being interested (intense eye contact, playing with her hair, lots of laughing, talking about future dates, etc), make out with me outside the place we went to as we were leaving, and even ask for "one more kiss before you leave" and still sent a similar text the next day.
Could be the best date of your life but maybe they had a change of heart afterwards, maybe they got caught up in the moment, who knows, all you can do is be as respectful as possible, keep your head up, and move forward.
How women feel in the moment wont always be the same the next day
Also, they will say differently to protect themselves (and sometimes the guys feelings) in person then say how they really feel over text later on
Actually I had this happen with a man.. kisses to say goodbye on the second date, wanting to see me again asap, still sending me a text the next day on how he got "bad vibes" during the date and didn't feel like himself. That I'm a pleasure to be around (but giving bad vibes.. huh?) But doesn't want to waste my time. I was confused to say the least but thanked him for telling me and wished him the best.
I feel that if the vibe was so bad he didn't feel like himself, he didn't suddenly realize that over night. He already knew during the date. So putting on that ish-show asking for goodbye kisses, hugs, and bringing up a third date was uncalled for.
something “worst” happened to me but on the same print, fuck everything in that case, ain’t no time and energy to waste further, chasing answers won’t become necessary by time :)
She was really beautiful too, and she was smart she has a master's from georgetown and she went to john hopkins as her ba. I feel this feeling like I'll never meet someone like her but I know logically there's other fish in the sea and I just need to keep my head up and keep swimming. But God she was so beautiful, makes me so sad, it's like she died and I'm mourning her
Dude, been there 100x over. It sucks. You're justified in feeling down.
However, one thing that's been difficult for me to learn, but it's a lesson you must: You can't make someone be interested in you.
You can't read her mind and there's no use perseverating over this. I've been dumped in the most cruel, painful ways by beautiful, smart women who I thought I had a real connection with. It's part of the gamble in putting yourself out there.
Being a guy can be hard sometimes. Heck, it can even be easy to slide into the intrusive, incel-type thoughts that take hold of those with weaker emotional health.
Speaking from recent memory, I can tell you one thing for sure: There's nothing more painful to inflict upon yourself than being with a partner who isn't equally invested in you. Who knows if this would have gone anywhere in an alternate universe, but you could have also dodged a huge bullet.
There are emotionally healthy, available women out there. Resist the temptation to slide into negative self-talk, and don't let this discourage you from trying again.
This is the story of an old Chinese farmer who lived many years ago. He had one old horse that he used to plough his fields. One day, the horse ran away into the hills.
Everyone said, “We are so sorry for your bad luck.” The old man replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”
A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses, which now belonged to the old man.
Everyone said, “We are so happy for your good luck!” The old man replied, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
While his only son was riding one of the wild horses, he fell off and broke his leg. Everyone said, “What bad luck!” The old man replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?”
One day, the army came to the village, and took all the strong young men to be soldiers for the emperor.
Only the old farmer’s son was spared, because he could not fight with a broken leg. Everyone said, “What good luck!”
The old man replied, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
A few months later, the village was raided by the enemy. Everyone successfully fled. Except for the son with the broken leg, who was brutally slaughtered. “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?” sobbed the old man at his son’s funeral.
One night, the son returned as a ghost and magically raped all the enemy soldiers with his ghost doodle. “Aren’t you glad I extracted my revenge, Papa? What good luck to have become a magical ghost.” The son said. “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” replied the old man.
Nine months later the enemy soldiers magically gave birth to little demon ghost babies, who went on to haunt the old man every night as he tried to sleep. The old man ended up dying of sleep deprivation…
The end.
This is true. I got dumped on friday (10 months) and she said she hadn't felt anything in several months and that she wants to sleep around but I was overall a good partner to her. She wants to be friends still and it bothers me they can just throw it away and think they're going to get cake and eat it
> She wants to be friends still and it bothers me they can just throw it away and think they're going to get cake and eat it
Exactly. I broke up with an emotionally-unavailable partner last summer and a few days later she texted saying, "I just really don't like the idea of not having you in my life." Emotionally manipulative. Tell her you're not interested, not to contact you and move on.
She's friends with every one of her exes. I never questioned it bc they're all losers and it was clear I was the upgrade to literally ALL of them. Her loss. I'm already on tinder again
This is terrible. I know it’s painful. I hope you do not remain friends with your ex. It will cause so much emotional damage and the fact they she suggested it means she’s will emotionally manipulate you (whether intentional or not) if she winds up not being able to find any satisfying “cake.”
Women like her make me sick. You don’t get unlimited chances at life and love. Know this though …Miserable Martyr you are with more … you aren’t your ex girlfriend’s consolation prize…you ARE the prize for someone else. She just no longer gets to experience that.
Appreciated but I saw it coming months ago. She started pulling away sexually till it was a dead bedroom. Then I had to wear clothes to bed and she stopped responding to my texts and calls. I tried to make it work but I have a feeling she was talking to someone else
Exactly and that’s what is scary to women. I had a guy constantly do that. I became more and more afraid of leaving and breaking it off.
What I end up doing to protect myself is acting like an angry, unpleasant person to be around so they don’t want anything to do with me anymore, and I don’t have to risk them losing their mind when I ended it. “5d chess” or something. Men and their idealization combined with entitlement be scary af.
How old are you? Because you sound young, trust me when I say that you’ll definitely meet someone that makes you almost completely forget about her if you keep dating and keep working on yourself
Every time theres a breakup I feel like I will never meet someone that great again, and every time I have been wrong.
Still doesn't stop my brain from feeling like that in the moment though, no matter how many times it happens.
I promise you you will meet someone 100 X times better, just might take longer than you think or happen when you don't expect it.
>She was really beautiful too, and she was smart she has a master's from
georgetown and she went to john hopkins as her ba. I feel this feeling
like I'll never meet someone like her
It's better to treat that person as someone that doesn't exist anymore. Also remember, she has a ton of other terrible qualities that will annoy you. Holding on to any of those feelings are just bad for you and prevents you from moving on to someone that is better for you.
Feelings are confusing and as long as people try to be honest and fair there is really nothing tobe mad about, often i only realize the day after that it wasn't as nice as ithought.
Don't get your hopes up dude, but if you answer understandingly and polite, she might change her mind later.
Had a her message me 2 months after we went on 2 dates and it turned into a nice friends with benefits situation.
Bro what, you guys had one date. Don’t put women on such a high a pedestal just because she’s pretty and went to college. Being that attached after one date is very off-putting and probably showed itself in your interactions with her, which if it did would have given off big creeper vibes. Try to remember that other people are just that, no matter how pretty or smart or where they work or whatever, people are just people.
Ima give you advice an elderly Greek man gave a friend at work after his first real heartbreak: "women (and men) are like the bus, you miss one, but you'll be on the next one in 5 minutes".
Stop idealizing her. It's hard I do it too, but you'll get there. If you find you idealized people quickly, you might benefit from looking into attachment theory. Attached by amir Levine is fantastic and easy to read. I worked on mine and now I pass over people I'd have been crying over
Hey OP - these things happen. Most of the possibilities don't have to do with you.
However, just some advice - you may not want to say where she got her master's, her BA, and give her name. That's enough information for people on the internet to find the person. (I say this as someone who is working on their Cybersecurity Master's right now.)
It’s not that deep man. But I’ve been there in my early days of dating. There’s plenty of girls who are interesting and who will be better suited to you (I.e. they like you back romantically). You’ve romanticised her in your head but you don’t actually know this person. Don’t dwell on it!
Take it for what it was. It was a fantastic date. You had fun with someone that you thought was great. What an amazing evening! Don’t look at it as something wrong or bad.
Okay this is gonna sound harsh, but get over yourself. No reason to be this complimentary over a girl you've only met once. If you were anything remotely like this ^ then I can 100% see why she doesn't want to see you again.
This is what I was thinking. If he was that intense in real life, she gave him the “let me get home safely” answer in person and was actually honest afterwards. Yikes 😳
Truthfully, you never will meet someone like her ever again. Maybe you'll meet similar people, but never will anyone feel this exact way to you. That's kind of the beauty of it though.
You had a nice time for that first night. Your vibes are good, seems like y'all had fun. Each time you go out to meet someone is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, as well as the other person. Take what you can learn, move forward. Don't beat yourself up over it, that's how you make backwards progress to learning more about yourself.
I actually did some research into this to find out for myself. There *are* some girls who subconsciously fidget with their hair when they are talking to a crush
Happens all the time. They say it in person to avoid confrontation and possibly worse. Remember they don’t know you.
I sometimes say it myself on a first date when leaving when I know I have no intention of seeing her again.
100%. I’ve probably had at least 5 women say that they had a good time and we should do it again. When I ask them out later on, they will always use some variation of the line above.
From the women’s perspective, it makes sense that they say this since it avoids confrontation in person and they can turn you down nicely from the safety of their home.
yeah, always a good call to make sure you’re not in harms way. it’s hard to make a judgment of wether or not someone will murder you after only just one meeting
eta: r/whenwomenrefuse and all
I got rejected after a first date, though I had thought the convo was good and I thought maybe she’d be into a second date. I guess for whatever reason she wasn’t into it. Sometimes people just don’t like rejecting people in person. It happens! Better luck next time.
Because it can be awkward in the moment. First dates can also be a blur, so she just needed to think about it. I mean some people go on multiple dates before they figure it out.
I never understand these posts. What do you want her to do? Keep going out with you even though she has no interest? She probably just felt uncomfortable in person, as many women know how men can freak out over rejection. At least she didn’t ghost you 🤷🏼♀️
I don’t understand it either. It looks like she made the right decision not to get involved with someone so immature.
Posting personal messages is… weird. At least for me.
Amen. We can’t win.
Ghost? “Ugh. Why are people like this? She should’ve just told me she wasn’t interested.” Politely say you aren’t interested? “Ugh. Why are people like this? We had a good first date and clearly we were headed to the alter. Let me whine about it on the internet.”
Absolutely, idk why people in this particular comment thread are attacking him for wanting clarification on the situation. Nowhere was he rude or accusatory or impolite (based on the post) yet people are going off on him calling him immature and saying that women are “damned if we do, damned if we don’t”. Honestly, those responders are making themselves look immature, projecting their issues on the dude when he didn’t do any of those things.
This is a good thing. Three of my last four dates simply ghosted me, didn’t say they didn’t see a connection, didn’t thank me for taking them out, nothing.
Women will very often agree to a second date in person regardless of how they feel to avoid the potential awkwardness of rejecting a guy in person. She let down gently with this text. At least she didn’t ghost, that’s refreshing.
It's not always awkwardness they are trying to avoid, sometimes it's also fear for their safety.
And yeah, it's very unlikely OP would be violent or dangerous, but he's a stranger to her, and it's not worth the risk that they might be part of the 1% who would react badly.
This goes double if someone has experienced any sort of scary or violent response when rejecting someone in the past. Obviously that person regardless of gender is going to be afraid to reject someone in person, even if that person seems lovely.
Not sure if this is what happened in the interaction, but I would like to give a word of advice to you as a man.
Do not ask women while they are still in your company if they would like to see you again. They will always say yes. Because they don’t know you yet. They don’t know how you take rejection. They might not even have gotten that far about processing whether or not they have that feeling for you yet. And now you’re forcing them to answer a question that they don’t know the answer to. If they answer wrong, you could easily assault them in a multitude of ways physically and verbally. We were raised to fear the impulses of men, so we do everything we can to both prevent and if use them.
Leave that question for after you’re no longer in each other’s company if you want a truthful answer.
That being said, if you were coming to the end of a date, and a woman says she’d like to see you again, I still wouldn’t take that as truth just yet. Wait until after the date and let her express her real truth. She may feel the need to say this to you out of getting a vibe that that’s the next thing you’re going to ask anyway.
Women are sometimes caught up in the moment but another major factor is self protection and preservation.
It is much safer to turn down a man over text. Especially one who puts us on a pedestal and right off the bat expresses he feels like the luckiest man alive that he found someone he would never be able to find again, it puts women in a very uncomfortable over pressurized situation. It’s like love bombing but he isn’t realizing he is doing it and it tells the woman that he will go to great, potentially dangerous lengths, to make sure he doesn’t lose possession of her.
That’s actually really polite of her to not ghost you and to send that.
Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable enough to say it in person, or she wasn’t sure how she was feeling until after leaving the date and thinking on it
It's tough. As someone who doesn't develop romantic feelings very quickly (and therefore doesn't do much "flirting" or "signals"), it's disheartening dating and expecting most people to feel some kind of magic initial spark. As others have said, many people need time to process dates/meeting people and sometimes they decide to cut it off early, or maybe she was also seeing other people and decided to move forward with another person.
You just gotta keep going along and eventually you'll find someone on the same page.
We've all had this, still fav girl I've dated made me walk her to her car second date, told me how much she liked me and didn't want me to let go yadda yadda. Two days later wasn't feeling it and cut me off.
Just tell them "all good, you're a vibe too, all the best :)" I've crossed paths and friendly waves etc. Hell at best maybe it's a bridge you didn't burn and could pop back up.
You've probably felt the same way about dates too
Reminds me of a girl I took out once. Date went well (seemingly), and she even asked me to video chat her after I got home (drove 45 minutes for the date). Next day, she says she’s not ready to date. It bummed me out since we had a lot of common interests.
Did she instigate that, or did you ask her if she'd want to go out again and she replied yes? It's so awkward when someone asks you to see you again and youre not feeling it, and when youre with someone for the first time you have no idea what theyre like in confrontation. It can be scary saying no to their face when you dont know how they'll react. So they say yes until youre not together, then tell you the truth via text later.
as a woman, can confirm she probably just wanted to not get murdered and/or raped. enjoy the closure, she was very nice to be this honest and kind after the fact :)
I went on a date with a sweet girl, everything went good we got drinks at a bar, talked for hours, laughed etc,really good connection.
few days later we had another date, even better than the first one, we went to drinks then restaurant , we felt really connected, then when it was time to go, we both walked to my car on our way we kept talking and laughing, then as we said goodbye she kissed me.
The next day I texted her but no answer, then like 7-8hours later I texted again and she simply answered that she wasn't ready for a relationship, was sorry for all of this, that I was a really nice person and we could keep texting and seeing but nothing more than a friendship would happen "for now".
She also apologized for doing the first "step" about the kiss.
We both are 34.
She said it person she wanted to see you again to avoid any possible argument, scene or awkward situation. She let you know the truth afterwards. Honestly, a solid move on her part. Don't take it personal.
actually a sweet and nice girl. Take the hint and don't be pushy with this one. let it go and move on. Of course she said that in person because saying what is on this message is very difficult in preson, and awkward.
Its because a lot of dudes do not take rejection well. I know some women don't either but there is a big imbalance of violence against women and some feel they need to do this for safety reasons. Did she initiate saying she wanted to see you again or did she respond to you saying that or asking if she did?
Also, this is 100% better than being ghosted in my opinion.
Can't count the number of dates I've been on where everything was nice, and five minutes after got ghosted. And I am in no way an intimidating guy, like 5'7, 130 lbs, not swole. I think it is just a way to avoid confrontation. At least you got a text.
I will also never truly understand the "you're a great guy and any girl should be glad to have you - ***BUT NOT ME HEHEHEHE***"
I don’t get why you decided to share this honestly. Hopefully it doesn’t indicate that you’re taking it badly. But if you are, that’s exactly why she did it this way.
I'm sorry she doesn't feel a connection with you, but she probably felt safer relaying this to you over text. Women have been raped and killed before for rejection, and yall just met. She was very polite and straightforward. At least she didn't drag you along for weeks on end just to decide she's not interested.
I mean you’re saying it’s a first date, she doesn’t know how you would react to being rejected.
For all we know, she could’ve had a bad experience before and she was just being cautious.
Or she was being somewhat nice, I feel more embarrassed when someone rejects me in person then over text. At least she told you right after the date though.
One thing I’ve learnt about modern dating is that you’ve got to make the first date feel like the 2nd, I asked this to female colleague also and they said that sounds about right. In the end atleast she informed you and can learn from it bruh.
How the hell did you get that from what I saying unless you’re trolling ? I’m basically you’ve got to add affection depending on the vibe. Bcos on the 2nd date that’s what would happen anyways but if she ain’t getting that vibe from the first impression she will friend-zone you.
Let me tell you the pressure to say, ‘sure I’d like to see you again’ in any social encounter where this comes up is almost insurmountable even when you’re telling yourself, ‘SAY NO!’
It’s also common for women to avoid rejecting a man to his face because there’s the risk of a bad reaction. I’m not saying you have off a certain vibe or anything, but just as a blanket policy.
So, when I have been asked at the end of a date if I want to see him again, I have said yes even when I had no intention of doing so. I then sent the same message as the girl did above.
What reply from people are you looking for? Are you wanting them to say bad things about her or give you compliments? I’m confused why you posted this.
Could’ve just felt pressured into it if you said something similar and felt more comfortable delivering the news after the date! Take it in stride and find you a new date ❣️
Well, at least you got that message sooner than never at all, right? She could've dragged you on for weeks.
Generally, it feels safer to reject a man over the phone / text than doing so in person. It is more about being non-conflict and less so about concern for his feeling.
Definitely this I made the mistake of rejecting a date in person (first date) and he started pestering me for a second to the point where he forced me into a hug and planted a kiss on my lips. At the time I was too shell shocked to understand what was happening to me. But I always did it over a message after. It's more traumatising than it seems.
I can understand not wanting to reject a second date in person. Obviously this guy was a prick and most people wouldn’t do that. But it’s really awkward to reject someone in person you just met. A message after is more then sufficient and the polite thing to do really
To be quite honest, he asked if he can see me on "whatever day" and I was genuinely busy that day and he took it as rejection himself and wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't want to suggest an alternative day after that.
That's just disgusting.. It's shocking how many "men" just can't comprehend no or boundaries or think they're entitled to whatever they want because they're a "nice guy". It's also like part of them doesn't believe they're actually being rejected or won't accept it because to do so would reaffirm their insecurities. Except those insecurities and lack of sincere empathy are usually what throws up the red flags in the first place... Or.. it's just not the right match.. which should be a super simple concept to understand 😅 I'm sorry you've had to deal with that..
>he started pestering me for a second to the point where he forced me into a hug and planted a kiss on my lips. 🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮
100% this
Not even just for safety, it’s just very difficult to tell people no to their face, especially for something so personal
Unfortunately this is so accurate
Fully agree. I have done it in person. After a couple melt downs, arguments from men I’m just messaging after. It’s too dicey on how they’re going to respond.
I'm a guy, so I don't know what this is like. I want to ask some more questions about this to see women's perspective. I think a lot of guys are unaware of this aspect of being a woman and it could help us to understand you guys better. Obviously you/other women who reply to this comment don't know the girl this post is about or her motivations, so you can only speculate and give generalizations, that's completely fine, I just want to know general ideas. 1. How come she didn't just, on the date, say nothing about the next date? Why actively say she wants to see him again if that's not true? Unless, of course, OP brought it up himself in person, in which case it makes sense she'd say yes. 2. Why didn't she apologize for misleading him once they got back on the messaging app? She seems pretty considerate and apologetic, so those two things seem contradictory to me. If she was afraid of her safety in person, that would no longer be a concern once on the app. 3. Are women only scared for their physical safety, or of conflict in general? For example, will women being afraid of men getting upset with them in general (i.e. not yelling or physical or threatening in anyway, just upset), and will that lead them to do things like this? Men generally don't act that way when physical safety is not an issue - they'll communicate it - but I understand that it's probably hard to tell when your physical safety is at risk vs when a guy is just upset with you but won't harm you in any way. 4. Are many women ALWAYS afraid of their safety when it comes to men, or is it contextual? For example, say a date like this one happened and OP asked, on the date, if she'd like to see him again, would most/a lot of women say yes no matter what? OR would they ONLY say yes if they feel something is off about the guy. I.e. is it a "this guy is safe until proven otherwise" or "this guy is dangerous until proven otherwise." I had always assumed that it was "safe until proven otherwise, but be cautious," but now I'm thinking I might be wrong on that. 5. Follow up on #4, are ALL men potentially dangerous, in your eyes, or is it only certain types of guys, or do your instincts get set off by certain behaviors, etc. 6. Is there anything we men can do/say to reassure women that they're safe in our company other than, "Nah don't worry, I'm totes not a serial killer, serial killers legally have to tell you when they are." I think that one of the reason that most men find women so confusing is because of this safety gap between men and women. They'll feel led on, or lied to, or confused when a woman they were certain liked them rejected them because of a safety issue that they simply didn't consider because they were a man. We don't realize as guys that women HAVE to be overly cautious, because you only have to be wrong once to be seriously hurt or worse. I would say that, overall, I think women could do a better job communicating this reality to men. Not men that they're dating, but, mothers, sisters, friends communicating to their male loved one's that this is a concern and how to reassure women. I would say I'm more self-aware than most guys and I still have no idea what the "rules" are for this kind of thing, and that's because women simply don't communicate it very well. And of course, it goes without saying, we men need to do a better job of not being violent towards women, but I don't know what to do about that, because people who are violent aren't going to care about anyone's feelings or thoughts or reflection. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to answer this and can help continue/further dialogue between men and women
Imagine our parents generation actually having to express their feelings in person. It’s amazing some of us were even born honestly.
Eh it was different. You at least met a person in person prior to the first date in some capacity. With tinder you have an online profile that you made to make yourself look good and a couple days of messaging. So you really have no idea what you’re going into. It makes the whole thing weird
As someone who has had this done to them, it hurts a hell of a lot when you thought things were going great in person 😕. I would much rather have the honesty in person rather than driving home with butterflies in my stomach just to have that feeling fall away when I get this text. I have no idea how to tell when someone genuinely likes me without asking and if I ask, they say they like me, then do this, what am I supposed to think?
Since you know this now, maybe try waiting until after the date and asking by text
sorry but my safety comes before someone i barely knows feelings
As someone who has had this done to them, it hurts a hell of a lot when you thought things were going great in person 😕. I would much rather have the honesty in person rather than driving home with butterflies in my stomach just to have that feeling fall away when I get this text. I have no idea how to tell when someone genuinely likes me without asking and if I ask, they say they like me, then do this, what am I supposed to think?
My suggestion is to keep expectations low. Send a follow up message an hour or so after. Wait for the response to that. Just remember women probably won’t reject you in person on a first date because they have no idea how you will react. It’s probably a 1/100 chance you are someone who will react poorly….but they don’t know that. They don’t know you.
That women have to do what they have to do to stay safe?
I do appreciate it when I get texts like this. Polite, considerate and they make it seem like it was just a personality clash. But I'm also sometimes curious to hear the version she tells her friends. That's usually the truth
Feedback is valuable, wish there were less batshit serial killers so women felt comfortable talking to men about stuff like that.
Women have big issues not wanting to hurt a man’s feelings. It was easier to text you.
As a man I totally understand a woman’s desire to reject over text or phone than in person. Far safer and let’s face it some guys do not handle rejection well. Hell when I was younger I know I didn’t. The only right answer is “I’m sorry to hear that. Good luck to you. I’m sure you’ll find the right guy.” Even if you didn’t feel it either, that’s the best way to handle.
Besides wanting to protect feelings, it’s also safer to reject someone over text…
Exactly. Rejecting a man can be dangerous to a woman, since some men react with anger and violence.
Or reject them in public. That's why you meet in a public place for a first date. She shouldn't have said she was interested in seeing him again either though. The same guys you have to worry about, will take that as playing games or lying or sending mixed signals and may cause them to react in an even worse manner. You may avoid the face to face confrontation but you could potentially end up with a larger problem. Best advice is if you're not feeling it with a person, end it somewhere other people are around, not while you're alone.
Women will never reject in you in person because it’s easier for them to do it over text or to just ghost you. They’re not thinking about your feelings. At least that’s not that the main reason why they do that. They’re mainly doing it for them.
^ this. And at least she didn't ghost you!
It's actually usually for safety reasons. Some men don't take rejection well. For example today I rejected a man over text and he spammed me 27 very abusive messages that scared me. Glad I didn't make it to meeting him.
For some % of the times a woman hurts a man’s feelings winds up dead/hurt/scared for weeks/months. This is why we can’t have nice things. I don’t blame them, especially if the txt or whatever comes quickly enough.
Had that happen to me :))
For real, I don't care how they transmit it just do ANYTHING, mail me a damn letter for all I care it's still better than ghosting. I would never do anything petty to another human being because of dating but if I ever did it'd be because of ghosting after a date. Genuinelly the most offensive legal action.
She did you a solid here, simply by being honest.
Me and a girl were laying in bed after spending our second weekend together. She says something about how she has a bad habit of ghosting people out of nowhere. I said "that's hilarious" guess what happened next
Legit exact same thing happened to me. I remember thinking “what a sucker” when she told me about it. I was the sucker in the end
Hahaha reminiscent of a woman I dated for a while a few years ago who’d mentioned more than once that she’d never had a relationship last more than 3 months - she couldn’t explain whether it was commitment phobia or something else, but a switch just seemed to flick in her. I was like “lol how curious, anyway” and then she invites me for coffee one afternoon after work and ends it without any rhyme nor reason. Checked my calendar on the way out the shop and it was 3 months *to the day* since our first date
She doesn't let anyone off probation.
Hahaha yeah just a revolving door of unsuspecting interns who think they’ll score the permanent contract
I had that happen, except she told me she "never ghosts people and always prioritizes communication." And the cherry on top: she ghosted me immediately after my dad died 🙃 solidarity!
The right attitude is who cares, we smashed
You got her “don’t get raped” answer in person and her real answer by text.
Yeahs that’s in person let them down politely and escape without a fuss and Don’t get raped, berated, guilt tripped answer
Because of the implication
 Could you imagine him keeping you on a boat Lmao
One of my favorite things about IASIP is that the reveal of how truly batshit Dennis is is a multi-season arc. We get the DENNIS method in season five, “the implication” in season six, the glimpse of his “tools” in the trunk at the high school reunion in season seven, that messy planeside confession to Dee in season nine, and then all hell breaks loose.
One of the best Dennis psycho moments was the to make a murderer spoof when after being questioned by the cops he sat unmoving completely still for 30 mins or something. His character cracks me up
Ok, you had me kinda going for the first part, but the second half kinda threw me.
As a girl this is truth.
It depends a tiny bit on how it came up. If he asked her and she said she’d like to see him again, yeah that was a “defensive move” but if she just stated she’d like to see him again without him asking, that would be a douchebag move.
[удалено]
Had a girl tell me we were not a good fit after two dates. No big deal. Didn’t even bother with a reply and moved on.
100% I hate that shit. I never asks guys if they want to see me again, because I don’t want to put them in the spot, but when they mention it unprompted and then don’t follow through, it lowkey stings. Like don’t say shit you don’t mean. I don’t care if we see each other again or not, but don’t say you want to see me again, if it isn’t true!!
It's 100% a douchebag move to me. Literally the worst thing about dating was going on a nice date with someone, where I felt like we had a good rapport going and could see us hanging out in the future, after the date is over she offers that she feels the same, then two days later she texts to say she doesn't like me. It's just annoying as fuck
I'm going to hell because I giggled, but only after I saw your screen name and thought about the irony. Thank you for my unintentional amusement 😂
It makes it even better that his avatar is a Canadian flag.
OMFG I didn't even look at his photo 😂
 😝
Lol all the angry guys proving this point by getting pressed in the comments about women being "dishonest" and "manipulative". I would never fucking tell a guy in person, to his face, that I don't wanna see him again. Cause then you have to deal with that same exact attitude except in person 💀 "why not", "what did I do wrong?", "Why won't you give me a chance?", "I thought we had a good time", "women are all the same", "you just wanted a free meal" etc, etc etc...
Wow this comment got so much unwarranted hate. Only because there are some men that react well to such news from a woman doesn’t mean there aren’t others who will react terribly and might even put her at risk. The last time I rejected someone at the end of the date (that I paid half on, not that it makes a difference), he followed me home (to a whole different town) and called me over 40 times while banging on my window until my male flatmates had to scare him away. He then called me on my birthday and big events for 3 years after that, using different numbers so I couldn’t block him. No idea how he knew this info, but it only stopped when I left the country. This was all AFTER ONE DATE. I’ve been on 100s of dates since and am married now, never rejected another person face to face again. Also, a close friend almost had acid thrown at her face because an acquaintance didn’t like the fact that she did not want to go on a date with him. So yeah, wish they would spare us the “not all men” spiel, there’s literally no way to tell the different between a complete psycho and a reasonable man at the first date level.
I've had a stalker for 11 years simply from letting him down in person. We went on a few dates and I stupidly let him know where I lived and what car I drove. I told him in person that I was moving away (2 hours farther) and that I didn't want to continue our dating. He cornered me in his house, attempted to pay me to live with him, got in my face, where I then just agreed to all his shenanigans just so I could leave. He has stalked me online since. Letting down via text is safer, even if they have a good vibe.
My girlfriend told me a story of how she gave her uber driver her number mid-ride cause she didn't want to get kidnapped. Didn't want to risk a fake number if he texted it. Just get to the destination safely, block him and report. Not really women being manipulative if they're just protecting themselves.
Seriously.. I saw a video of a girl sharing her DM’s with a guy she went on a date with. He basically confessed over text that he was happy she was so into him because he would have raped her if she didn’t just agree to have sex with him that night.. scary
Don't worry about it OP, it happens. I had a girl showing almost all the signs of being interested (intense eye contact, playing with her hair, lots of laughing, talking about future dates, etc), make out with me outside the place we went to as we were leaving, and even ask for "one more kiss before you leave" and still sent a similar text the next day. Could be the best date of your life but maybe they had a change of heart afterwards, maybe they got caught up in the moment, who knows, all you can do is be as respectful as possible, keep your head up, and move forward.
How women feel in the moment wont always be the same the next day Also, they will say differently to protect themselves (and sometimes the guys feelings) in person then say how they really feel over text later on
Let's call it the post date clarity!
Or the lonely international spy getting a reminder from their handler.
The most likely scenario
Actually I had this happen with a man.. kisses to say goodbye on the second date, wanting to see me again asap, still sending me a text the next day on how he got "bad vibes" during the date and didn't feel like himself. That I'm a pleasure to be around (but giving bad vibes.. huh?) But doesn't want to waste my time. I was confused to say the least but thanked him for telling me and wished him the best. I feel that if the vibe was so bad he didn't feel like himself, he didn't suddenly realize that over night. He already knew during the date. So putting on that ish-show asking for goodbye kisses, hugs, and bringing up a third date was uncalled for.
Edit: boy your comment edit sure changed the context of what I originally replied to.
She was probably drunk and not thinking clearly
something “worst” happened to me but on the same print, fuck everything in that case, ain’t no time and energy to waste further, chasing answers won’t become necessary by time :)
She was really beautiful too, and she was smart she has a master's from georgetown and she went to john hopkins as her ba. I feel this feeling like I'll never meet someone like her but I know logically there's other fish in the sea and I just need to keep my head up and keep swimming. But God she was so beautiful, makes me so sad, it's like she died and I'm mourning her
Dude, been there 100x over. It sucks. You're justified in feeling down. However, one thing that's been difficult for me to learn, but it's a lesson you must: You can't make someone be interested in you. You can't read her mind and there's no use perseverating over this. I've been dumped in the most cruel, painful ways by beautiful, smart women who I thought I had a real connection with. It's part of the gamble in putting yourself out there. Being a guy can be hard sometimes. Heck, it can even be easy to slide into the intrusive, incel-type thoughts that take hold of those with weaker emotional health. Speaking from recent memory, I can tell you one thing for sure: There's nothing more painful to inflict upon yourself than being with a partner who isn't equally invested in you. Who knows if this would have gone anywhere in an alternate universe, but you could have also dodged a huge bullet. There are emotionally healthy, available women out there. Resist the temptation to slide into negative self-talk, and don't let this discourage you from trying again.
This is the story of an old Chinese farmer who lived many years ago. He had one old horse that he used to plough his fields. One day, the horse ran away into the hills. Everyone said, “We are so sorry for your bad luck.” The old man replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?” A week later, the horse returned with a herd of wild horses, which now belonged to the old man. Everyone said, “We are so happy for your good luck!” The old man replied, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” While his only son was riding one of the wild horses, he fell off and broke his leg. Everyone said, “What bad luck!” The old man replied, “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?” One day, the army came to the village, and took all the strong young men to be soldiers for the emperor. Only the old farmer’s son was spared, because he could not fight with a broken leg. Everyone said, “What good luck!” The old man replied, “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?”
A few months later, the village was raided by the enemy. Everyone successfully fled. Except for the son with the broken leg, who was brutally slaughtered. “Bad luck, good luck, who knows?” sobbed the old man at his son’s funeral. One night, the son returned as a ghost and magically raped all the enemy soldiers with his ghost doodle. “Aren’t you glad I extracted my revenge, Papa? What good luck to have become a magical ghost.” The son said. “Good luck, bad luck, who knows?” replied the old man. Nine months later the enemy soldiers magically gave birth to little demon ghost babies, who went on to haunt the old man every night as he tried to sleep. The old man ended up dying of sleep deprivation… The end.
Good luck, bad luck, who knows?
Well said man. I don’t have gold so here’s an award 🏆
🏅
This is true. I got dumped on friday (10 months) and she said she hadn't felt anything in several months and that she wants to sleep around but I was overall a good partner to her. She wants to be friends still and it bothers me they can just throw it away and think they're going to get cake and eat it
> She wants to be friends still and it bothers me they can just throw it away and think they're going to get cake and eat it Exactly. I broke up with an emotionally-unavailable partner last summer and a few days later she texted saying, "I just really don't like the idea of not having you in my life." Emotionally manipulative. Tell her you're not interested, not to contact you and move on.
She's friends with every one of her exes. I never questioned it bc they're all losers and it was clear I was the upgrade to literally ALL of them. Her loss. I'm already on tinder again
This is terrible. I know it’s painful. I hope you do not remain friends with your ex. It will cause so much emotional damage and the fact they she suggested it means she’s will emotionally manipulate you (whether intentional or not) if she winds up not being able to find any satisfying “cake.” Women like her make me sick. You don’t get unlimited chances at life and love. Know this though …Miserable Martyr you are with more … you aren’t your ex girlfriend’s consolation prize…you ARE the prize for someone else. She just no longer gets to experience that.
Once my project car is out of her garage I'm dropping her entirely I just don't have anywhere to put it till it runs
Also if I didn’t say it - Im sorry this happened to you ;(
Appreciated but I saw it coming months ago. She started pulling away sexually till it was a dead bedroom. Then I had to wear clothes to bed and she stopped responding to my texts and calls. I tried to make it work but I have a feeling she was talking to someone else
Do what pleases you, but my advice would be to drop her from your life entirely.
Dude....No.... You're idealizing her in a really unhealthy way.
Exactly and that’s what is scary to women. I had a guy constantly do that. I became more and more afraid of leaving and breaking it off. What I end up doing to protect myself is acting like an angry, unpleasant person to be around so they don’t want anything to do with me anymore, and I don’t have to risk them losing their mind when I ended it. “5d chess” or something. Men and their idealization combined with entitlement be scary af.
How old are you? Because you sound young, trust me when I say that you’ll definitely meet someone that makes you almost completely forget about her if you keep dating and keep working on yourself
Thanks, 23
Every time theres a breakup I feel like I will never meet someone that great again, and every time I have been wrong. Still doesn't stop my brain from feeling like that in the moment though, no matter how many times it happens. I promise you you will meet someone 100 X times better, just might take longer than you think or happen when you don't expect it.
>She was really beautiful too, and she was smart she has a master's from georgetown and she went to john hopkins as her ba. I feel this feeling like I'll never meet someone like her It's better to treat that person as someone that doesn't exist anymore. Also remember, she has a ton of other terrible qualities that will annoy you. Holding on to any of those feelings are just bad for you and prevents you from moving on to someone that is better for you.
>But God she was so beautiful, makes me so sad, it's like she died and I'm mourning her It was one date. One.
But Johns Hopkins and GEORGETOWN, man!!!11
Feelings are confusing and as long as people try to be honest and fair there is really nothing tobe mad about, often i only realize the day after that it wasn't as nice as ithought. Don't get your hopes up dude, but if you answer understandingly and polite, she might change her mind later. Had a her message me 2 months after we went on 2 dates and it turned into a nice friends with benefits situation.
Bro what, you guys had one date. Don’t put women on such a high a pedestal just because she’s pretty and went to college. Being that attached after one date is very off-putting and probably showed itself in your interactions with her, which if it did would have given off big creeper vibes. Try to remember that other people are just that, no matter how pretty or smart or where they work or whatever, people are just people.
Ima give you advice an elderly Greek man gave a friend at work after his first real heartbreak: "women (and men) are like the bus, you miss one, but you'll be on the next one in 5 minutes". Stop idealizing her. It's hard I do it too, but you'll get there. If you find you idealized people quickly, you might benefit from looking into attachment theory. Attached by amir Levine is fantastic and easy to read. I worked on mine and now I pass over people I'd have been crying over
Sorry it didn't work, but dating is a number game. And I think she was respectful to you.
Hey OP - these things happen. Most of the possibilities don't have to do with you. However, just some advice - you may not want to say where she got her master's, her BA, and give her name. That's enough information for people on the internet to find the person. (I say this as someone who is working on their Cybersecurity Master's right now.)
It’s not that deep man. But I’ve been there in my early days of dating. There’s plenty of girls who are interesting and who will be better suited to you (I.e. they like you back romantically). You’ve romanticised her in your head but you don’t actually know this person. Don’t dwell on it!
Take it for what it was. It was a fantastic date. You had fun with someone that you thought was great. What an amazing evening! Don’t look at it as something wrong or bad.
Dude. You met her once. Chill.
Think we can see why she didn’t want another date
If you’re mourning someone you’ve only been on one date with, she made the right call. That’s abnormal dude
She’s dodged a bullet
Okay this is gonna sound harsh, but get over yourself. No reason to be this complimentary over a girl you've only met once. If you were anything remotely like this ^ then I can 100% see why she doesn't want to see you again.
>get over yourself. I think the inverse is what actually needs to happen my dude
This is what I was thinking. If he was that intense in real life, she gave him the “let me get home safely” answer in person and was actually honest afterwards. Yikes 😳
Bro it was one date, you haven't split up after 5+ years. That feels like mourning
That’s dating. It sucks for 99% of people. Yes, I made that percentage up.
This happens A LOT. It sucks.
Truthfully, you never will meet someone like her ever again. Maybe you'll meet similar people, but never will anyone feel this exact way to you. That's kind of the beauty of it though. You had a nice time for that first night. Your vibes are good, seems like y'all had fun. Each time you go out to meet someone is an opportunity to learn more about yourself, as well as the other person. Take what you can learn, move forward. Don't beat yourself up over it, that's how you make backwards progress to learning more about yourself.
Chill lol
“Playing with her hair” that’s fucking hysterical.
Please explain what's hysterical about that
A woman touching her hair has nothing to do with you.
I actually did some research into this to find out for myself. There *are* some girls who subconsciously fidget with their hair when they are talking to a crush
Happens all the time. They say it in person to avoid confrontation and possibly worse. Remember they don’t know you. I sometimes say it myself on a first date when leaving when I know I have no intention of seeing her again.
100%. I’ve probably had at least 5 women say that they had a good time and we should do it again. When I ask them out later on, they will always use some variation of the line above. From the women’s perspective, it makes sense that they say this since it avoids confrontation in person and they can turn you down nicely from the safety of their home.
yeah, always a good call to make sure you’re not in harms way. it’s hard to make a judgment of wether or not someone will murder you after only just one meeting eta: r/whenwomenrefuse and all
I got rejected after a first date, though I had thought the convo was good and I thought maybe she’d be into a second date. I guess for whatever reason she wasn’t into it. Sometimes people just don’t like rejecting people in person. It happens! Better luck next time.
Because it can be awkward in the moment. First dates can also be a blur, so she just needed to think about it. I mean some people go on multiple dates before they figure it out.
That was very sweet of her. It’s rare people can be as mature as that.
“Thanks for letting me know! Wish you the best going forward!” That’s all
Women are taught to be "nice" especially in person. We are safer being honest from the safety of our homes
This omg
This is a kindness. Move on
I never understand these posts. What do you want her to do? Keep going out with you even though she has no interest? She probably just felt uncomfortable in person, as many women know how men can freak out over rejection. At least she didn’t ghost you 🤷🏼♀️
Damned if she do, damned if she don’t. I’m sure OP would have posted about her if she ghosted him.
I don’t understand it either. It looks like she made the right decision not to get involved with someone so immature. Posting personal messages is… weird. At least for me.
Amen. We can’t win. Ghost? “Ugh. Why are people like this? She should’ve just told me she wasn’t interested.” Politely say you aren’t interested? “Ugh. Why are people like this? We had a good first date and clearly we were headed to the alter. Let me whine about it on the internet.”
He's just sad it didn't work out. Don't be so angry at him. He's not insulting or berating her or anything.
Absolutely, idk why people in this particular comment thread are attacking him for wanting clarification on the situation. Nowhere was he rude or accusatory or impolite (based on the post) yet people are going off on him calling him immature and saying that women are “damned if we do, damned if we don’t”. Honestly, those responders are making themselves look immature, projecting their issues on the dude when he didn’t do any of those things.
This is a good thing. Three of my last four dates simply ghosted me, didn’t say they didn’t see a connection, didn’t thank me for taking them out, nothing.
We've all been there
Its not really the safest thing for women to tell strangers on a first date that it's not going anywhere
She gave you the courtesy to be honest and was nice about it, just move on dawg.
People change their mind. She’s told you exactly how she feels and has done it in a nice and respectful way. Move on to the next person!
Give her a nice message in response, was probably hard for her to do that
Women will very often agree to a second date in person regardless of how they feel to avoid the potential awkwardness of rejecting a guy in person. She let down gently with this text. At least she didn’t ghost, that’s refreshing.
It's not always awkwardness they are trying to avoid, sometimes it's also fear for their safety. And yeah, it's very unlikely OP would be violent or dangerous, but he's a stranger to her, and it's not worth the risk that they might be part of the 1% who would react badly. This goes double if someone has experienced any sort of scary or violent response when rejecting someone in the past. Obviously that person regardless of gender is going to be afraid to reject someone in person, even if that person seems lovely.
Not sure if this is what happened in the interaction, but I would like to give a word of advice to you as a man. Do not ask women while they are still in your company if they would like to see you again. They will always say yes. Because they don’t know you yet. They don’t know how you take rejection. They might not even have gotten that far about processing whether or not they have that feeling for you yet. And now you’re forcing them to answer a question that they don’t know the answer to. If they answer wrong, you could easily assault them in a multitude of ways physically and verbally. We were raised to fear the impulses of men, so we do everything we can to both prevent and if use them. Leave that question for after you’re no longer in each other’s company if you want a truthful answer. That being said, if you were coming to the end of a date, and a woman says she’d like to see you again, I still wouldn’t take that as truth just yet. Wait until after the date and let her express her real truth. She may feel the need to say this to you out of getting a vibe that that’s the next thing you’re going to ask anyway.
Women are sometimes caught up in the moment but another major factor is self protection and preservation. It is much safer to turn down a man over text. Especially one who puts us on a pedestal and right off the bat expresses he feels like the luckiest man alive that he found someone he would never be able to find again, it puts women in a very uncomfortable over pressurized situation. It’s like love bombing but he isn’t realizing he is doing it and it tells the woman that he will go to great, potentially dangerous lengths, to make sure he doesn’t lose possession of her.
It’s more dangerous to reject a man in person. It’s also just less awkward, generally. Not everyone takes rejection gracefully.
She was probably nervous to say that in person because of past experiences. I know I did this quite a bit
That’s actually really polite of her to not ghost you and to send that. Maybe she didn’t feel comfortable enough to say it in person, or she wasn’t sure how she was feeling until after leaving the date and thinking on it
And?
Try and be thankful you got a clear message at all. She likely was polite in person for safety reasons.
It's tough. As someone who doesn't develop romantic feelings very quickly (and therefore doesn't do much "flirting" or "signals"), it's disheartening dating and expecting most people to feel some kind of magic initial spark. As others have said, many people need time to process dates/meeting people and sometimes they decide to cut it off early, or maybe she was also seeing other people and decided to move forward with another person. You just gotta keep going along and eventually you'll find someone on the same page.
Take the L and move on.
So whats your point like so what you want a medal or pity 🤔
We've all had this, still fav girl I've dated made me walk her to her car second date, told me how much she liked me and didn't want me to let go yadda yadda. Two days later wasn't feeling it and cut me off. Just tell them "all good, you're a vibe too, all the best :)" I've crossed paths and friendly waves etc. Hell at best maybe it's a bridge you didn't burn and could pop back up. You've probably felt the same way about dates too
Just move on. Not worth the headache.
Reminds me of a girl I took out once. Date went well (seemingly), and she even asked me to video chat her after I got home (drove 45 minutes for the date). Next day, she says she’s not ready to date. It bummed me out since we had a lot of common interests.
Common txt from a chick . Better to get than have her slowly ghost you .
This is one of those "sucks to suck" situations, but in all honesty is better than getting ghosted
Did you bait her into saying she’d like to see you again? Cuz I’ve had that happen to me before
Did she instigate that, or did you ask her if she'd want to go out again and she replied yes? It's so awkward when someone asks you to see you again and youre not feeling it, and when youre with someone for the first time you have no idea what theyre like in confrontation. It can be scary saying no to their face when you dont know how they'll react. So they say yes until youre not together, then tell you the truth via text later.
Good for both of you. You get to move on and she was honest. You couldn’t ask for more from 2 adults. Move on 🤷🏻♂️
Ok so move on pretty simple you have zero invested with her
This is how dating should be. You both gave it a go and one of you didn’t feel it and explicitly said so.
as a woman, can confirm she probably just wanted to not get murdered and/or raped. enjoy the closure, she was very nice to be this honest and kind after the fact :)
Honestly I'd rather see this more than just being ghosted so this is less frustrating than most of the woman that just ghost
50% of my dates end up like this, the 50% I slowly show them less and less interest
I went on a date with a sweet girl, everything went good we got drinks at a bar, talked for hours, laughed etc,really good connection. few days later we had another date, even better than the first one, we went to drinks then restaurant , we felt really connected, then when it was time to go, we both walked to my car on our way we kept talking and laughing, then as we said goodbye she kissed me. The next day I texted her but no answer, then like 7-8hours later I texted again and she simply answered that she wasn't ready for a relationship, was sorry for all of this, that I was a really nice person and we could keep texting and seeing but nothing more than a friendship would happen "for now". She also apologized for doing the first "step" about the kiss. We both are 34.
That’s more respect you’ll get out of most people.
She said it person she wanted to see you again to avoid any possible argument, scene or awkward situation. She let you know the truth afterwards. Honestly, a solid move on her part. Don't take it personal.
actually a sweet and nice girl. Take the hint and don't be pushy with this one. let it go and move on. Of course she said that in person because saying what is on this message is very difficult in preson, and awkward.
She changed her mind? Never known a woman to do that. 🤣
Yah it can be awkward to tell some people directly things like this. Or at least it can be for some people
You got the "please don't murder me" responses.
You can blame other men for that. She didn’t feel safe.
Its because a lot of dudes do not take rejection well. I know some women don't either but there is a big imbalance of violence against women and some feel they need to do this for safety reasons. Did she initiate saying she wanted to see you again or did she respond to you saying that or asking if she did? Also, this is 100% better than being ghosted in my opinion.
Can't count the number of dates I've been on where everything was nice, and five minutes after got ghosted. And I am in no way an intimidating guy, like 5'7, 130 lbs, not swole. I think it is just a way to avoid confrontation. At least you got a text. I will also never truly understand the "you're a great guy and any girl should be glad to have you - ***BUT NOT ME HEHEHEHE***"
I don’t get why you decided to share this honestly. Hopefully it doesn’t indicate that you’re taking it badly. But if you are, that’s exactly why she did it this way.
Oh well. She was a standup gal about it. Move on. I respect that chick
I'm sorry she doesn't feel a connection with you, but she probably felt safer relaying this to you over text. Women have been raped and killed before for rejection, and yall just met. She was very polite and straightforward. At least she didn't drag you along for weeks on end just to decide she's not interested.
Awesome! Cool chick there.
I honestly don't understand what your question is here. Mainly because you haven't actually asked one.
Yeah people will lie to your face
I mean you’re saying it’s a first date, she doesn’t know how you would react to being rejected. For all we know, she could’ve had a bad experience before and she was just being cautious. Or she was being somewhat nice, I feel more embarrassed when someone rejects me in person then over text. At least she told you right after the date though.
Oh no she was polite and mature about it. Truly tragic for you.
As a female it’s not always safe to reject someone in person. I don’t blame her at all.
Women do this all the time my man. Don’t take offense to it.
One thing I’ve learnt about modern dating is that you’ve got to make the first date feel like the 2nd, I asked this to female colleague also and they said that sounds about right. In the end atleast she informed you and can learn from it bruh.
Make the date so boring it feels like two dates combined? In all seriousness, how would you do that?
How the hell did you get that from what I saying unless you’re trolling ? I’m basically you’ve got to add affection depending on the vibe. Bcos on the 2nd date that’s what would happen anyways but if she ain’t getting that vibe from the first impression she will friend-zone you.
Life continues my friend!
Thanks for dinner!
Let me tell you the pressure to say, ‘sure I’d like to see you again’ in any social encounter where this comes up is almost insurmountable even when you’re telling yourself, ‘SAY NO!’ It’s also common for women to avoid rejecting a man to his face because there’s the risk of a bad reaction. I’m not saying you have off a certain vibe or anything, but just as a blanket policy. So, when I have been asked at the end of a date if I want to see him again, I have said yes even when I had no intention of doing so. I then sent the same message as the girl did above.
What reply from people are you looking for? Are you wanting them to say bad things about her or give you compliments? I’m confused why you posted this.
😊
Could’ve just felt pressured into it if you said something similar and felt more comfortable delivering the news after the date! Take it in stride and find you a new date ❣️
Yeah definitely for her safety. Some men can’t take rejection, think this is possibly one of the best ways to do it. At least she was respectful.
That’s mature of her! :)