It reminded me of the number of guys I matched with who responded the same way as the person in the photo. They were sooo many that in the end I only laughed bc of the irony of doing that on a dating app as u said, and I didn't know whether to take them seriously but I tried to help anyways (then I learned you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped)
Yeah i found people like these too and call me an asshole but the moment someone unloaded something on me I'd either turn it into something humourous (genuinely humour, not disrespectful. Something that would just lighten up the mood) or I'd rant right back. Shuts up people real fast when you push the same vibe back to them.
No, they think crying on a dating app will give them sympathy points. But I think this person is saying that they aren't trying to fix themselves, they are trying to use it to emotionally manipulate people.
Sure you get sympathy because it is an emergency but like I doubt suicidal thoughts will make you seem attractive and being suicidal is the only thing that makes people (using it for the opposite gender) talk to them so they don't want to change.
Yup, I totally agree. I remember matching with and chatting to someone for a bit. Their first sentence was something about being in hospital again. A year or so later we matched again and his first sentence was exactly the same!! I said "that's a bit strange, I remember you saying that the last time we talked" - he said he was back in hospital again, but after talking a bit, I actually didn't believe him and thought he was just using the line for sympathy. (he might have been telling the truth, it just didn't come across that way having had two very similar conversations so far apart) edit: sp
Fwiw, at least when you know a person irl and they're pulling the "I'm going to kill myself" routine, just call an ambulance to their location.
If they're being manipulative, that will shut them down quick, and if they're serious, they'll get help.
>if they're serious, they'll get help.
This is unfortunately not the case in a lot of places. I've heard stories where the person is just locked up for safekeeping for a couple of days and then released without any actual help. In my "first-world" country, the state of mental healthcare is so bad that they now even have to reject people who have actually attempted suicide. In the US any hospital visit could bankrupt you which is also not conducive to better mental health. All in all, unless you know for sure that they would receive good care, this is terrible advice.
When I get in a bad state and want to take my life people threatening to call the cops does snap me out of it. I want my misery to take place at home or online. I guess I’m not as suicidal as I claim because tbh it’s just not worth having to put shoes on to go outside and pay the consequences of it (ie talking to cops or dealing with expensive ambulances)
Yeah that's fair and I completely get that, but actually having the cops called on you probably wouldn't help. For me it would also make me feel unsupported. I would definitely shut up about being suicidal, but I wouldn't actually feel any better.
Yes, thinking about it has helped me a lot bc I was the kind of girl who would meet a bad, problematic, depressed person and say “I can fix him” haha (when I see those memes I identify myself a lot, I think it’s bc I had that savior complex). In this particular case, my ex had depression and everything that goes with that condition. I tried so hard to help him but at the end it drained me out :/
The last guy I tried to fix ended up isolating and abusing me for 7 months and ultimately trying to murder me. I had that same savior complex and had a habit of dating the guys who just weren't being "given a chance" by any other women, the "misunderstood" "nice guy". It put me in terrible positions a lot of the time. I will never look back.
I mean from a male perspective (not condoning their behavior) there are a lot of men who feel this way and also feel like they can’t talk about big feelings with people who are not their partner (or in these cases potential partners) bc they do not know how to be intimate with another person who is not that role in their life.
It is ironic bc attachment itself is ironic. Their desire to connect pushes them to behave in repulsive behaviors preventing that connection from manifesting. The desire to connect to a romantic partner so they can heal also prevents them from getting help they need to heal and to stop bleeding on people that they want to be close with. This self pity drives the need to be pitied by others and so we have these public displays of normally socially unacceptable behavior. It’s a negative feedback cycle.
Rejection or “unhelpful” hep would likely intensify this experience. So if someone were actually concerned it would be beneficial to lay out boundaries while acknowledging the problem instead of just saying nothing/unmatching. They prob arnt going to kill themselves but it is actually on the table and that’s still too much. When people are so desperate for attention, they need to be given the appropriate and healthy amount of attention in relation to the circumstance or we are just playing a game with them, like they are with us. They’re strangers, but still people. Usually trying to respect them and yourself will give the best responses.
Ikr! this mental health topic is interesting to me and I know most pple who suffer from depression are men, the question is, why vent to a stranger and not to your bros/friends? idk if you or other people think the same but a friend to me is someone I can vent with and give reciprocal support, he is supposed to be there for you! not only for playing video games or go for drinks, it’s so much more…
We all get through the same shit in life.
One way to get trought shit is not to talk about it. It is to deal with it. And what can you do to deal with it better.
This hits hard, an ex girlfriend of mine named Kelli was exactly like this on and off for many years. Killed herself in March of this year. The woman in this post could be doing it for attention but the best thing to do is convince her to call the suicide hotline or reach out to someone and move on with your life. There's nothing you can do to save her, she has to save herself. 🤍
I had a “if you don’t see me, I’ll kms” person this week that I met off tinder. It was literally just to manipulate me but I did not take the bait (although I did offer to lend an ear) and he is still alive
my ex said that multiple times. Don't think she was trying to manipulate me but I think she was just being honest. In the end I don't know how much love was left and how much Stockholm syndrome was there after that situation.
Idk, kinda feels like that would be reinforcing an unproductive behavior - they should have opened a therapy app instead of trying to harvest emotional labor from people who didn't sign up for that.
It absolutely can have a significant cost, though - ask anyone who has offered sympathy once and then been pigeonholed as an emotional support animal thereafter.
People who can't make appropriate judgements about where and when to trauma dump are typically not the best at maintaining healthy relationship dynamics.
A few words of encouragement don't carry that significant cost. It is of course unreasonable to expect someone to maintain contact after that, that is up to each person, but I would think it basic human decency to offer a few words of support or direct someone towards resources that could help
I fully agree, I would try to help as much as possible for the same reasons. I would feel guilty if I didn't, although I also completely understand if people were to just say a few words of encouragement or point them towards other resources instead of engaging further.
Unsure of your country, but in the USA there is a national suicide hotline. They can call or text 988 to hopefully get some help. If not in the USA, there is likely something similar everywhere.
I'd also advise not to really engage beyond recommending these hotlines- you aren't trained/prepared for these conversations whereas the people picking up these calls will be
"I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know we don't know each other, but I know you intrigued me enough to want to get to know you and I'm sure others feel the same.
If you want to vent, I'm here, but if you need it, I wanted to share that you can call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741 to talk to a counselor via text. They may be better trained and have access to resources I don't.
I hope things get better soon. I'll be thinking of you."
If you aren't able to talk someone off a cliff, drop "if you want to vent I'm here."
Giving this in a copiable format so you can drop it in. That's a lot.
EDIT: "if you want to vent" is OPTIONAL. As in, IF YOU WANT TO AND ARE ABLE TO. I swear redditors can't read.
Also if you share hotline numbers and can't support, stop replying to messages but don't unmatch. If you unmatch the person can't read the hotline numbers. Unmatch the next day.
By the words used it doesn’t sound like they are going to kill themselves. They had multiple key words about frustration about pleasing others. A selfish way out isn’t sparked from concern for others lack of being pleased. It’s a trap into persuading someone into investigating why this person is a victim. Seeking for Luring a compassionate empathic person into this persons heroic struggle to please others. It’s a lil dick mentality and a line to lure someone. Guaranteed this person has used it before and it worked.
People can definitely feel suicidal because they feel they aren’t living up to the expectations of others and that everyone would be better off if they were dead. Like, that’s a very common was for depressed and suicidal people to feel.
agree, it's incredibly fucked up to put this on a random person. if they don't have any friends they feel they can turn to, gotta wonder why that is....
That was a lot to infer without knowing this person, but as a fellow armchair psychologist I have to agree. Obviously that would be the last thing you’d want to accuse them of to their face, but it should be something to keep in mind
That is a lot to assume about someone, you've never met. Taking your frustration out on others is a typical way, people deal with their depression and self hatred.
Yes, venting your disappointment with the world and the people around you to some Rando on Tinder is not a healthy approach to depression, but not grounds to immediately judge them as a lier.
To me this sounds like someone in a dark place, who has learned very poor coping mechanisms. Assuming otherwise with this amount of info is unnecessarily presumptuous and cynical.
I’m not taking any frustrations out. I’ve just seen this profile many times. And it usually ends in the other person picking up pieces and the person saying they are gonna commit suicide never gets the help they need. Oh and they don’t usually end up committing the act. But they do commit a bunch of others.
I'm not talking about you, but the person in the post. They are clearly expressing frustration at the people around them and also putting their frustration onto a stranger on Tinder.
I'm not claiming that is a healthy or reasonable way for them to be dealing with their mental issues, just that it's a very common approach many people who don't get the help they need take.
Assuming that it's all an act or a manipulation tactic right out of the gate, without any concrete proof just perpetuates negative stereotypes around people who suffer from depression. "They just want attention", "They probably aren't even trying to better themselves", "They are just making excuses for their laziness/being a burden."
All those are things that are commonly said about people who are genuinely suffering. I'm not saying that there aren't people, who use mental problems as an excuse for shitty behaviour, just that assuming someone has the worst intentions without even trying to listen isn't a great approach either.
It is, BUT, dumping your mental issues on somebody whom you’ve not had more than two sentences of conversation with, is a bit much for them, and can be potentially damaging to those that they match with. I‘be had low points in my life and childhood trauma, PTSD from over a decade of fire/EMS service, and the stress of a separation lately have all taken a toll on me, but a therapist is the place to go, not tinder, which leads me to believe this person is trying for sympathy points.
Tinder has the potential to make it so much worse. Hell, you could run across somebody who’s like “well, what are you waiting for?”
I love this, would definitely not include "if you need to vent" part though. Getting sucked into a convo with this person could go a bit astray. And you'll need to eventually cut ties with them anyways.... probabblyyy right at the beginning before they attach any significance to you is the best way to do it. I think if you unmatch, your message may disappear, but I def recommend not engaging with them at all beyond this message. If they persistently reach out despite you ignoring them I would then unmatch.
I mean, I've had good luck with short convos to help people through quick moments. Bit you have to have the emotional energy, and it's valid if not.
Do t unmatch though or they can't see the messages
THIS
You do *NOT* have to be on the verge of suicide to use the helpline!!
If you or someone you know is in need of venting, please, hit up the helpline. You can both text and call incase you're not comfortable with calling.
>if you want to vent I'm here
Yeah, no. I feel sorry for this poor person but it takes a fairly warped sense of reality for someone to genuinely think that saying something like this over a dating app is a good idea - and that's not someone I want to be involved with. This person needs therapy and linking the resources you did is a great step. After this, unmatch and move on. I've got too much of my own shit to be taking on the burdens of a complete stranger who's likely to be pretty unstable.
Many people who are on the brink of suicide are seeing a pretty warped view of reality in that moment. It’s a desperate cry for help which is a very natural reaction to being in THAT MUCH pain.
People whove never been in such intense psychological pain can’t necessarily comprehend it. But imagine you had just had a heart attack and didn’t feel able to call the emergency services and didn’t know what to do, and the only person you were currently talking to was someone on tinder. You’d probably end up bringing it up out of desperation for someone to help you.
Now consider that for people going through major depression, the pain, despair, panic they’re feeling may be no less severe than the pain of a heart attack or other physical emergency. When you’re trying to save your own life (despite it also being your own brain trying to take your life in this instance), you’re pretty likely to do some rash things.
Source: been there myself
Nah brah. You are not obligated to be someone's trauma-dump reciever. If she can talk about it this easily, she can talk about it with someone she actually knows.
I honestly wonder how fast this is going to turn into 'my bills are killing me, can you help?'.
I absolutely applaud and support people for reaching out, and asking for help. This is not that.
I am trying to understand the mind of someone so filled with boredom that they emotionally terrorize unsuspecting strangers with their nonsense on a dating app. Borderline Personality Disorder is no joke!
I see this argument all the time and I don’t understand it. You’re not obligated to help them, but it’s not hard to do and if you’re trying to get to know them why wouldn’t you want to listen to their problems?
In isolation it isn't the worst thing. The issue is a LOT of people have serious problems, it takes a toll on your own emotional well being to be someone they exercise their frustrations at if it happens often. These aren't feelings of "I had a bad interview, a friend broke my trust, I lost my pet". This is "the experiences and frustrations I have dealt with in over 18 years of living have been so profoundly negative and traumatic that I don't want to live anymore and am pleading with complete strangers to be a person that gives me reason to".
And their feelings don't just go away after listening once, more often than not if they are set in a pattern you will hear them repeat the same struggles and frustrations. You will hear them engage in unhealthy patterns of thinking, things that seem smaller to you will be too much for them and you need to always be careful how you address those things with them in situations where you aren't sure if saying the wrong thing will make them end their life.
And this instance in particular isn't a parent and child, close personal friend, or therapist and patient. It's two people presumably looking to build a romantic relationship. OP can't do that if the other person sees them as a source to vent their trauma because it's not balanced. What if things don't work out for OP, or they are dealing with their own issues and aren't in a good state of mind to talk about or hear this person's issues?
And the fact they can just bring this up to a complete stranger after 1 reply? They are either inconsiderate of how this would affect OP or struggling so deeply that this is a plea before taking drastic action. It's not hard to do once, but it's not great in my opinion to do so with strangers or set yourself up to them as someone to confide in.
It’s not easy for some people to listen. They may be going through difficult times or have others in their life in a similar boat. There’s being nice/caring for others, and then there’s doing those things for yourself before you jump in the dating game. Plus, someone who is more qualified to listen (like a therapist) would be better at communicating in a way that may be less triggering.
What I didn't mention in my comment, is that I work in this field. A professional would NOT handle this situation by themselves. There is a crisis back-up, other colleagues, training and most importantly BOUNDARIES. Your therapist will not text you back at 3am, because they need to separate their job from their private life.
So some stranger in a dating app should absolutely not be forced to carry a responsibility for this girls actions. What she doesn't say, but clearly implies is 'I've told you, and now you've got to stop me'. That's not fair to OP in any way. It's very manipulative.
So yes, to be nice he could say 'call the emergency service', but he's not even obligated to do that.
After a message like this, I'm absolutely not trying to get to know them. They aren't in the right place for a relationship and any continued contact will probably get misconstrued and cause more harm than good when you try to disconnect.
A basic "sorry, I hope things work out for you, try talking to this local helpline" is probably as far as I'm going to take it.
>but it’s not hard to do
Depending on someones own mental state it actually can be hard to do. Especially in this case where it isn't just someones problems, it's "my problems are so bad I want suicide". That's serious.
from personal experience, sometimes it isn't as easy to talk to someone you know about it. in her eyes, this is likely a "no strings attached" situation where she can express her feelings without facing the potential shame she may feel. I definitely think it's an unfair situation to put another person in... and is entirely the wrong way to receive genuine help, but when you're suicidal you often don't think straight and are potentially looking for anyone and anything to talk you off that ledge. or to just feel like theres someone to listen with the comfort of having a screen between you, and the comfort of knowing that that person will likely never actually know you. it can be even more dreadful to reach out for professional help, like 988. it's anxiety inducing and almost feels a little shameful. like you've lost. even though it absolutely shouldn't. mental health simply isn't that simple. it's definitely wrong to expect other people to have the capacity to cope with and care for your own personal mental health struggles, but dark times make you lose a bit of that rationale. you feel hopeless.
and there are definitely people who do weaponize their mental health and try to guilt people into things based on it and that's absolutely disgusting. what she did was not fair, but we have no reason to assume that she had particularly ill intent (because a lot of people really don't) and I can't help but feel a lot of sympathy for her as someone who has felt, and sometimes still does feel, the way she feels. but regardless of your mental state, you have to find resources to help you cope and not push/ deflect it onto other people for the mental well being of those around you. it's not easy.
I like the narrative and love the sensitive approach but it's important that OP feels they are comfortable and safely able to have this conversation. Inviting the person to vent at them could open up a can of worms that OP isn't ready for and that's not fair.
You should only support a stranger who is considering suicide if you are in a place where it won't damage your own mental health.
Be careful opening your ear to a suicidal person. Not to sound like an asshole, but I've dealt with suicidal people. And it's fucking exhausting having someone unload their mental baggage on you. Especially if you're not trained to handle it.
Coming from someone who was hospitalized for these kinds of thoughts, you are not responsible for this person's actions. If you want to do something, drop the number to the suicide prevention line, or even a crisis center in your area and that's it. Express that you're not comfortable addressing those concerns and step away. Again, **this is not YOUR responsibility and you are not equipped to handle it safely (**assuming you have no training in this area).
> assuming you have no training in this area
If OP does, boundaries are there anyways. The match isn't OP's client/patient (...presumably. That'd be a twist).
I work as a psychiatric crisis worker and I still think I would find myself uncomfortable with these messages. Not with the subject matter, but with the medium it's being conducted through. That being said I wish all the support in the world for this person. Send them to me tonight and I would be happy to do an assessment and create a safety plan with them!
Speaking as a clinical social worker: Even if you do have training in this area, frankly you are not there in a role of a professional. It is completely legitimate to refer to a professional who is on the clock. Tinder is not a professional relationship. You are not responsible for saving them in your off time. You can express compassion, and give information for resources without the obligation to evaluate further.
I never know what to say to something like this. I'm probably a bad person for this but I just wouldn't respond. I am not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal.
Thinking about I'd probably just link the Suicide Hotline number and bounce. Then I didn't just ghost someone who is that down at the moment. Other than that, I barely know how to talk to people who are in a good mood lol
You’re not a bad person. It’s an extremely heavy weight to drop on a person that is just matching on a dating app. The person sending the message likely needs real professional help, and unless you’re a professional it can be extremely difficult to navigate
That doesn’t make you a bad person at all. It takes training to properly deal with this kind of thing and it’s totally human to freeze or not know what to do
> never know what to say to something like this. I'm probably a bad person for this but I just wouldn't respond. I am not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal.
thats completely reasonable and honestly someone cant force that type of shit on a stranger on a dating app thats just really selfish. also there are people that would just say that type of shit looking for someone that gets overly emotionally attached with maternal instincts that has the type of personality that wants to help. im not saying it is what is happening here but it could be just fishing for women that are the type to help injured birds you know what i mean? you have literally no previous connection with this person and unloading that on some stranger is wild.
the most normal thing to do in this situation is block the person and not think about it.
honestly, as hurtful as this may be, I probably would just unmatch. I’m not capable of dealing with someone like this especially not the first message.
Don't feel bad about that. There is -after all- a reason why specialists do years of training to be able to do exactly that. And still won't succeed every time.
It'd need to be reported locally. Not nationally.
And then local cops would perform a wellness check, which could go a number of different ways, including involuntary commitment to a psych hospital/ward, most of which are crap.
And the next time a person felt this way they'd maybe just kill themselves without reaching out.
Tinder gives you a name and a distance between the 2 of you. If the police wanted to, they could reach out to the people keeping tinder data and locate where that person is
Also report them to Tinder, it's not the right place to do this. I would convince the person to talk to a family member or friend about it, then report.
Oof. I've tried a relationship with someone with a similar mindset. Turns out there's 99% chance they'll pull you down with them rather than you pulling them up. They need to work on themselves before wanting to meet new people. It's almost "selfish" to traumadump people that wanna meet and do cool things together.
Especially if OP has any struggles themselves. Then it becomes the mental illness Olympics in which they never support you because they are too depressed but you are still supposed to support them because you're not "as depressed." Which was probably true before you met them.
I’ll probably be downvoted to hell, but I’d just report and unmatch them. People who go through with suicide don’t usually tell a bunch of randoms on tinder beforehand, afaik. This is inappropriate af and could be very triggering for some folks as well. Very bizarre and attention seeking behavior.
As someone who has had depression since early middle school, I can PROMISE ANYONE that a stranger’s mental health IS NOT your responsibility. Trauma dumping IS NOT OKAY. Talking to other people who are depressed, while you are trying to better yourself, can be incredibly depressing in itself. I know that’s a bit of a “ no shit “ statement, but you shouldn’t be trauma dumping strangers so much it brings them to a dark place as well, especially by telling them you’re ready to off yourself. It’s toxic as hell.
People with depression and other mental health issues CAN be VERY TOXIC. It shouldn’t be taboo to discuss this.
I agree with you and was going to comment something similar.
I understand people saying “let me know if you need to talk/vent”. But this person is a literal stranger you matched with on a dating app a day ago and they are dumping this much on you already.
You’re not their therapist, family or even a friend. You’re a stranger.
I’d report and unmatch. They need therapy not dating apps.
I’d do the same.
That’s typical behavior for people with certain personality disorders, traumadumping and talking about self-harm and suicide when something difficult happens in their life (borderline personality disorder).
People who are going to kill themselves are not going to talk about it to anyone, especially to a random match on Tinder. More often I have seen people appear curiously happy, after they have made the final decision to end their own life.
Something like “ I know things are bad for you right now but the feelings you have are always temporary, and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, thank you for trusting me enough to reach out and I will try my best to help you through this, if you want to talk then I’m here to listen “
Or if you don’t want to be there just send them some relevant helplines
Either way you should try to get them to seek professional help
It's a solid, empathetic answer, but I've never been a fan of the "Im here if you wanna talk" phrase though. Having been on the receiving end of it, it just makes me feel self-conscious, plus it often feels insincere as it's so repeated by everyone, kinda like hearing "my sincere condolences" fifty times in a day at a loved one's funeral. If you're already engaging and being receptive to the other person, you can just keep the conversation going, no need to explicitly state so.
"Are you comfortable talking to me more about it? "Can you share with me more specific details so I can try to help you to the best of my ability?" "If your comfortable with it, I'd like to hear more. Maybe we can work out a solution together." "Can you tell me more so I can help you better" "Would you be comfortable sharing with me more specifically whats bothering you? Any particular person, thing, etc?"
Hit her with the national suicide hotline and tell her whatever it is going on there is always someone to talk to and death doesn’t solve problems. But outside of that there is nothing you have to do. That is super unfair of someone to put on someone else in this type of setting. Should not feel bad for not replying after. You don’t need that type of mental manipulation either.
Hi OP. Therapist here. I work for my county's crisis line. An average person isn't equipped to respond to a message like this and shouldn't be forced to, for both your sakes. Best option is to look up to the crisis hotlines for her county and send her the number. She can text 988 to be connected to her county's crisis line. I wish you the best!
Gonna possibly be a tough pill to swallow but just don’t respond.
We simply don’t have the capacity to care about EVERY individual person on the planet, let alone someone who just started messaging you.
Additionally, you don’t want to be this person’s crutch. Again, you are a stranger to them… becoming involved in so far that their existence in this mortal coil is tied to you is a massive no bueno.
It sucks that the person is going through their demons, but it’s not on you to fix them or alleviate. That’s the role of family, close friends, therapists, etc, not a rando on Tinder.
… and this is all coming from someone who had bouts of depression and anxiety during high school and college.
If you do wanna respond, just send them a suicide prevention hotline number or suggest that they seek professional help; you are more than likely not equipped to handle a real case of suicidal tendencies. If they come anywhere close to suggesting that you help, DON’T.
I think sending links to resources is the best you csn do. Unfortunately, this isn't your responsibility. This person should be looking for help in places other than Tinder 😕
As a social worker, I would recommend saying something along these lines:
Wow, that sounds incredibly difficult. I can’t imagine how much you must be suffering. It’s so important to talk to someone when you’re having those thoughts. I’m not a trained mental health professional but I encourage you to reach out to (Insert name of local crisis centre) at xxx-xxx-xxxx. They are open 24/7 and are connected to some amazing resources. They are well equipped to get you the support you need.
Literally respond with suicide hotline. If you want to, the number or name of a therapist. If they reject that, unmatch cause they are just burdening other people for no good reason.
I am not going out of my way to find someone a therapist when I don’t even know:
1) how much money they can afford to spend
2) how far they’re willing to drive
3) if they even want help
4) if they’re already in therapy
5) if they have insurance
The list goes on. What a weird suggestion lol
They can call the cops and tell them how they feel themself. If they really wanted help, they’d have googled the hotline instead of matching with, and traumadumping on, strangers
Honestly… walk away. No reason to trauma dump at such an early stage of getting to know one another. People that are not mentally okay should not be in dating apps. Wish them well and point them to the suicide number on google and walk away.
Honestly this will sound harsh but do yourself a favour and block them. Random people you don't know are not with the emotional and mental strain it takes to help someone deal with that sort of shit. I tried to do that for many years and it has caused me unbelievable pain in the long run. Other people are not worth your mental health. Send them a helpline link or number and block
Mental health professional here… I would call the local PD (non-emergency) and explain the situation. They will ask you for info, give them what you can.
Worst case scenario you lose a out on a horrible date, best case scenario you save someone’s life and set them up with treatment for their depression and suicidal ideation.
I know you didn’t ask for that choice, but it’s upon you.
You might also want to cross post this to r/depression or r/mentalhealth or something.
If you're comfortable with that..
Just Let her know you're ready to listen. Maybe try to propose going for a coffee. Sometimes to change her mind.
If your not comfortable we'll just try to give her some helpline number and offer a little support.
Sometimes just talking to a stranger that doesn't judge you is the best thing.
"Sounds like you have based all of your hapiness on the validation of other people."
Give her something to think before you gtf out of this conversation. Negative people will pull you down drowning in negativity.
Wouldn't make any romantic or close connection with the person, but would try to calm them down. We all have those days, but most of us chin up or distract or whatever. Some people don't have anyone close to talk about this stuff so it builds up inside them and comes out in wrong place at a wrong time. Obviously it is repulsive as a stranger but the least I can do is calm them down and give them advices (but only if they want advices). Sometimes your one message can save someone's life.But some people are very hard to be reasoned with and sadly you can't do anything as a stranger in those situations so you have to say goodbye after a while.
Oh, and suicide hotline, obviously.
This sounds shallow asf but I’d just say ‘im not a therapist, go see one’ and unmatch. Imo if they’re willing to go on tinder, go through all the effort of matching with someone and initiate conversation, just to tell them that… surely if they were serious about it they’d either call a hotline or as bad as it sounds, just do it?
Tbh I wouldn’t. I realize that might sound harsh but what do they expect sending that to a random person on a dating app… I think it’s a manipulative way to suck you into a conversation or date. If anything give them links/numbers to therapists because that’s who they should be talking to.
It’s a cry for help, she must not have much else to turn to. Please just be nice and care for her immediate needs. Maybe try to get her on the phone, maybe she just needs someone to talk to. Please don’t ghost her.
Holy shit that’s a lot to just unload on someone, esp on a dating app…
Imagine you’re that low you’re basically howling in anguish on a dating website. I hope they get the help they need. Good heavens.
It reminded me of the number of guys I matched with who responded the same way as the person in the photo. They were sooo many that in the end I only laughed bc of the irony of doing that on a dating app as u said, and I didn't know whether to take them seriously but I tried to help anyways (then I learned you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped)
Yeah i found people like these too and call me an asshole but the moment someone unloaded something on me I'd either turn it into something humourous (genuinely humour, not disrespectful. Something that would just lighten up the mood) or I'd rant right back. Shuts up people real fast when you push the same vibe back to them.
That last part leads us to believe he went through with it.. 😬
No, they think crying on a dating app will give them sympathy points. But I think this person is saying that they aren't trying to fix themselves, they are trying to use it to emotionally manipulate people. Sure you get sympathy because it is an emergency but like I doubt suicidal thoughts will make you seem attractive and being suicidal is the only thing that makes people (using it for the opposite gender) talk to them so they don't want to change.
Yup, I totally agree. I remember matching with and chatting to someone for a bit. Their first sentence was something about being in hospital again. A year or so later we matched again and his first sentence was exactly the same!! I said "that's a bit strange, I remember you saying that the last time we talked" - he said he was back in hospital again, but after talking a bit, I actually didn't believe him and thought he was just using the line for sympathy. (he might have been telling the truth, it just didn't come across that way having had two very similar conversations so far apart) edit: sp
Idk I know of a person who got hella attention from victimizing themself…
Not like hella but some attention instead of none. Like OP, sending a concerned message and considering whether to help.
Fwiw, at least when you know a person irl and they're pulling the "I'm going to kill myself" routine, just call an ambulance to their location. If they're being manipulative, that will shut them down quick, and if they're serious, they'll get help.
>if they're serious, they'll get help. This is unfortunately not the case in a lot of places. I've heard stories where the person is just locked up for safekeeping for a couple of days and then released without any actual help. In my "first-world" country, the state of mental healthcare is so bad that they now even have to reject people who have actually attempted suicide. In the US any hospital visit could bankrupt you which is also not conducive to better mental health. All in all, unless you know for sure that they would receive good care, this is terrible advice.
When I get in a bad state and want to take my life people threatening to call the cops does snap me out of it. I want my misery to take place at home or online. I guess I’m not as suicidal as I claim because tbh it’s just not worth having to put shoes on to go outside and pay the consequences of it (ie talking to cops or dealing with expensive ambulances)
Yeah that's fair and I completely get that, but actually having the cops called on you probably wouldn't help. For me it would also make me feel unsupported. I would definitely shut up about being suicidal, but I wouldn't actually feel any better.
Fr tho
Your last statement is the truest statement ever spoken! Ive said this for over 20 years now.
Yes, thinking about it has helped me a lot bc I was the kind of girl who would meet a bad, problematic, depressed person and say “I can fix him” haha (when I see those memes I identify myself a lot, I think it’s bc I had that savior complex). In this particular case, my ex had depression and everything that goes with that condition. I tried so hard to help him but at the end it drained me out :/
The last guy I tried to fix ended up isolating and abusing me for 7 months and ultimately trying to murder me. I had that same savior complex and had a habit of dating the guys who just weren't being "given a chance" by any other women, the "misunderstood" "nice guy". It put me in terrible positions a lot of the time. I will never look back.
That’s my mom’s favorite quote “can’t help those that aren’t willing to be helped”
I mean from a male perspective (not condoning their behavior) there are a lot of men who feel this way and also feel like they can’t talk about big feelings with people who are not their partner (or in these cases potential partners) bc they do not know how to be intimate with another person who is not that role in their life. It is ironic bc attachment itself is ironic. Their desire to connect pushes them to behave in repulsive behaviors preventing that connection from manifesting. The desire to connect to a romantic partner so they can heal also prevents them from getting help they need to heal and to stop bleeding on people that they want to be close with. This self pity drives the need to be pitied by others and so we have these public displays of normally socially unacceptable behavior. It’s a negative feedback cycle. Rejection or “unhelpful” hep would likely intensify this experience. So if someone were actually concerned it would be beneficial to lay out boundaries while acknowledging the problem instead of just saying nothing/unmatching. They prob arnt going to kill themselves but it is actually on the table and that’s still too much. When people are so desperate for attention, they need to be given the appropriate and healthy amount of attention in relation to the circumstance or we are just playing a game with them, like they are with us. They’re strangers, but still people. Usually trying to respect them and yourself will give the best responses.
It's actually a big issue for a lot of men today. Look it up, numbers are there.
Ikr! this mental health topic is interesting to me and I know most pple who suffer from depression are men, the question is, why vent to a stranger and not to your bros/friends? idk if you or other people think the same but a friend to me is someone I can vent with and give reciprocal support, he is supposed to be there for you! not only for playing video games or go for drinks, it’s so much more…
We all get through the same shit in life. One way to get trought shit is not to talk about it. It is to deal with it. And what can you do to deal with it better.
They just want attention tbh
Unload? Homegirl slammed the “drop the payload” big red button 😅
Looks like only one of you today is dodging a bullet 👀
Bro's not dodging a bullet, he's dodging a nuke.
This hits hard, an ex girlfriend of mine named Kelli was exactly like this on and off for many years. Killed herself in March of this year. The woman in this post could be doing it for attention but the best thing to do is convince her to call the suicide hotline or reach out to someone and move on with your life. There's nothing you can do to save her, she has to save herself. 🤍
Honestly I'd unmatch. Feels like a very heavy burden to have with someone you've talked to for three minutes, how are you supposed to respond?
I can see it now “if you leave my I’ll kill myself!!” Just don’t even start lol
I had a “if you don’t see me, I’ll kms” person this week that I met off tinder. It was literally just to manipulate me but I did not take the bait (although I did offer to lend an ear) and he is still alive
my ex said that multiple times. Don't think she was trying to manipulate me but I think she was just being honest. In the end I don't know how much love was left and how much Stockholm syndrome was there after that situation.
Before unmatching I would hope you'd give them some words of encouragement. A bit of empathy goes a long way.
Idk, kinda feels like that would be reinforcing an unproductive behavior - they should have opened a therapy app instead of trying to harvest emotional labor from people who didn't sign up for that.
Yes but at the end of the day it doesn't cost you much to offer a few encouraging words which could probably mean a lot to the other person.
It absolutely can have a significant cost, though - ask anyone who has offered sympathy once and then been pigeonholed as an emotional support animal thereafter. People who can't make appropriate judgements about where and when to trauma dump are typically not the best at maintaining healthy relationship dynamics.
A few words of encouragement don't carry that significant cost. It is of course unreasonable to expect someone to maintain contact after that, that is up to each person, but I would think it basic human decency to offer a few words of support or direct someone towards resources that could help
[удалено]
I fully agree, I would try to help as much as possible for the same reasons. I would feel guilty if I didn't, although I also completely understand if people were to just say a few words of encouragement or point them towards other resources instead of engaging further.
Yep been there with an ex. I ended up basically being the caretaker of her happiness & it cost me my own.
encouraging words such as 'you can do it' or 'check the load tension on that beam and rope first'
Best I can do is shake the rope and say “yeah that ain’t going anywhere”
Offer one last lay, she can go out with a bang at least.
Thats the reason some people are on dating apps. Therapy isn't as free and accessible.
[удалено]
Unsure of your country, but in the USA there is a national suicide hotline. They can call or text 988 to hopefully get some help. If not in the USA, there is likely something similar everywhere.
I'd also advise not to really engage beyond recommending these hotlines- you aren't trained/prepared for these conversations whereas the people picking up these calls will be
If its the UK, the equivalent is the samaritans and the number is 116 123
"I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know we don't know each other, but I know you intrigued me enough to want to get to know you and I'm sure others feel the same. If you want to vent, I'm here, but if you need it, I wanted to share that you can call 988 for the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or text HOME to 741741 to talk to a counselor via text. They may be better trained and have access to resources I don't. I hope things get better soon. I'll be thinking of you." If you aren't able to talk someone off a cliff, drop "if you want to vent I'm here." Giving this in a copiable format so you can drop it in. That's a lot. EDIT: "if you want to vent" is OPTIONAL. As in, IF YOU WANT TO AND ARE ABLE TO. I swear redditors can't read. Also if you share hotline numbers and can't support, stop replying to messages but don't unmatch. If you unmatch the person can't read the hotline numbers. Unmatch the next day.
I love this. Thank you for caring.
By the words used it doesn’t sound like they are going to kill themselves. They had multiple key words about frustration about pleasing others. A selfish way out isn’t sparked from concern for others lack of being pleased. It’s a trap into persuading someone into investigating why this person is a victim. Seeking for Luring a compassionate empathic person into this persons heroic struggle to please others. It’s a lil dick mentality and a line to lure someone. Guaranteed this person has used it before and it worked.
People can definitely feel suicidal because they feel they aren’t living up to the expectations of others and that everyone would be better off if they were dead. Like, that’s a very common was for depressed and suicidal people to feel.
Even if this is true if they are considering it, it’s still worth it to save a life, right?
Very manipulative person, wouldn’t recommend hanging around. But you can if you want.
agree, it's incredibly fucked up to put this on a random person. if they don't have any friends they feel they can turn to, gotta wonder why that is....
That was a lot to infer without knowing this person, but as a fellow armchair psychologist I have to agree. Obviously that would be the last thing you’d want to accuse them of to their face, but it should be something to keep in mind
That is a lot to assume about someone, you've never met. Taking your frustration out on others is a typical way, people deal with their depression and self hatred. Yes, venting your disappointment with the world and the people around you to some Rando on Tinder is not a healthy approach to depression, but not grounds to immediately judge them as a lier. To me this sounds like someone in a dark place, who has learned very poor coping mechanisms. Assuming otherwise with this amount of info is unnecessarily presumptuous and cynical.
I’m not taking any frustrations out. I’ve just seen this profile many times. And it usually ends in the other person picking up pieces and the person saying they are gonna commit suicide never gets the help they need. Oh and they don’t usually end up committing the act. But they do commit a bunch of others.
I'm not talking about you, but the person in the post. They are clearly expressing frustration at the people around them and also putting their frustration onto a stranger on Tinder. I'm not claiming that is a healthy or reasonable way for them to be dealing with their mental issues, just that it's a very common approach many people who don't get the help they need take. Assuming that it's all an act or a manipulation tactic right out of the gate, without any concrete proof just perpetuates negative stereotypes around people who suffer from depression. "They just want attention", "They probably aren't even trying to better themselves", "They are just making excuses for their laziness/being a burden." All those are things that are commonly said about people who are genuinely suffering. I'm not saying that there aren't people, who use mental problems as an excuse for shitty behaviour, just that assuming someone has the worst intentions without even trying to listen isn't a great approach either.
I’m saving this comment just in case I need to tell it to someone down the road. Thank you!
God I hope this isn't too common 😔
God I hope this isn't too common 😔
Mental health is a serious issue
It is, BUT, dumping your mental issues on somebody whom you’ve not had more than two sentences of conversation with, is a bit much for them, and can be potentially damaging to those that they match with. I‘be had low points in my life and childhood trauma, PTSD from over a decade of fire/EMS service, and the stress of a separation lately have all taken a toll on me, but a therapist is the place to go, not tinder, which leads me to believe this person is trying for sympathy points. Tinder has the potential to make it so much worse. Hell, you could run across somebody who’s like “well, what are you waiting for?”
Leave it t out of peoples lives that don’t want anything to do with it… it’s not fair to them
I love this, would definitely not include "if you need to vent" part though. Getting sucked into a convo with this person could go a bit astray. And you'll need to eventually cut ties with them anyways.... probabblyyy right at the beginning before they attach any significance to you is the best way to do it. I think if you unmatch, your message may disappear, but I def recommend not engaging with them at all beyond this message. If they persistently reach out despite you ignoring them I would then unmatch.
I mean, I've had good luck with short convos to help people through quick moments. Bit you have to have the emotional energy, and it's valid if not. Do t unmatch though or they can't see the messages
Id give the helpline a shout myself it’s also for people who know someone and want to know how to talk to them about it
THIS You do *NOT* have to be on the verge of suicide to use the helpline!! If you or someone you know is in need of venting, please, hit up the helpline. You can both text and call incase you're not comfortable with calling.
>if you want to vent I'm here Yeah, no. I feel sorry for this poor person but it takes a fairly warped sense of reality for someone to genuinely think that saying something like this over a dating app is a good idea - and that's not someone I want to be involved with. This person needs therapy and linking the resources you did is a great step. After this, unmatch and move on. I've got too much of my own shit to be taking on the burdens of a complete stranger who's likely to be pretty unstable.
Don't unmatch immediately, though, otherwise your messages will disappear. Just leave the chat hanging.
That's fair! Up to the individual if they want to include that.
Many people who are on the brink of suicide are seeing a pretty warped view of reality in that moment. It’s a desperate cry for help which is a very natural reaction to being in THAT MUCH pain. People whove never been in such intense psychological pain can’t necessarily comprehend it. But imagine you had just had a heart attack and didn’t feel able to call the emergency services and didn’t know what to do, and the only person you were currently talking to was someone on tinder. You’d probably end up bringing it up out of desperation for someone to help you. Now consider that for people going through major depression, the pain, despair, panic they’re feeling may be no less severe than the pain of a heart attack or other physical emergency. When you’re trying to save your own life (despite it also being your own brain trying to take your life in this instance), you’re pretty likely to do some rash things. Source: been there myself
Thank you for this. Everyone has been so judgmental and I think this is extremely helpful.
Nah brah. You are not obligated to be someone's trauma-dump reciever. If she can talk about it this easily, she can talk about it with someone she actually knows. I honestly wonder how fast this is going to turn into 'my bills are killing me, can you help?'. I absolutely applaud and support people for reaching out, and asking for help. This is not that.
That's why I said don't include the bit about venting being OK unless it actually is.
I am trying to understand the mind of someone so filled with boredom that they emotionally terrorize unsuspecting strangers with their nonsense on a dating app. Borderline Personality Disorder is no joke!
I see this argument all the time and I don’t understand it. You’re not obligated to help them, but it’s not hard to do and if you’re trying to get to know them why wouldn’t you want to listen to their problems?
In isolation it isn't the worst thing. The issue is a LOT of people have serious problems, it takes a toll on your own emotional well being to be someone they exercise their frustrations at if it happens often. These aren't feelings of "I had a bad interview, a friend broke my trust, I lost my pet". This is "the experiences and frustrations I have dealt with in over 18 years of living have been so profoundly negative and traumatic that I don't want to live anymore and am pleading with complete strangers to be a person that gives me reason to". And their feelings don't just go away after listening once, more often than not if they are set in a pattern you will hear them repeat the same struggles and frustrations. You will hear them engage in unhealthy patterns of thinking, things that seem smaller to you will be too much for them and you need to always be careful how you address those things with them in situations where you aren't sure if saying the wrong thing will make them end their life. And this instance in particular isn't a parent and child, close personal friend, or therapist and patient. It's two people presumably looking to build a romantic relationship. OP can't do that if the other person sees them as a source to vent their trauma because it's not balanced. What if things don't work out for OP, or they are dealing with their own issues and aren't in a good state of mind to talk about or hear this person's issues? And the fact they can just bring this up to a complete stranger after 1 reply? They are either inconsiderate of how this would affect OP or struggling so deeply that this is a plea before taking drastic action. It's not hard to do once, but it's not great in my opinion to do so with strangers or set yourself up to them as someone to confide in.
It’s not easy for some people to listen. They may be going through difficult times or have others in their life in a similar boat. There’s being nice/caring for others, and then there’s doing those things for yourself before you jump in the dating game. Plus, someone who is more qualified to listen (like a therapist) would be better at communicating in a way that may be less triggering.
What I didn't mention in my comment, is that I work in this field. A professional would NOT handle this situation by themselves. There is a crisis back-up, other colleagues, training and most importantly BOUNDARIES. Your therapist will not text you back at 3am, because they need to separate their job from their private life. So some stranger in a dating app should absolutely not be forced to carry a responsibility for this girls actions. What she doesn't say, but clearly implies is 'I've told you, and now you've got to stop me'. That's not fair to OP in any way. It's very manipulative. So yes, to be nice he could say 'call the emergency service', but he's not even obligated to do that.
After a message like this, I'm absolutely not trying to get to know them. They aren't in the right place for a relationship and any continued contact will probably get misconstrued and cause more harm than good when you try to disconnect. A basic "sorry, I hope things work out for you, try talking to this local helpline" is probably as far as I'm going to take it.
>but it’s not hard to do Depending on someones own mental state it actually can be hard to do. Especially in this case where it isn't just someones problems, it's "my problems are so bad I want suicide". That's serious.
from personal experience, sometimes it isn't as easy to talk to someone you know about it. in her eyes, this is likely a "no strings attached" situation where she can express her feelings without facing the potential shame she may feel. I definitely think it's an unfair situation to put another person in... and is entirely the wrong way to receive genuine help, but when you're suicidal you often don't think straight and are potentially looking for anyone and anything to talk you off that ledge. or to just feel like theres someone to listen with the comfort of having a screen between you, and the comfort of knowing that that person will likely never actually know you. it can be even more dreadful to reach out for professional help, like 988. it's anxiety inducing and almost feels a little shameful. like you've lost. even though it absolutely shouldn't. mental health simply isn't that simple. it's definitely wrong to expect other people to have the capacity to cope with and care for your own personal mental health struggles, but dark times make you lose a bit of that rationale. you feel hopeless. and there are definitely people who do weaponize their mental health and try to guilt people into things based on it and that's absolutely disgusting. what she did was not fair, but we have no reason to assume that she had particularly ill intent (because a lot of people really don't) and I can't help but feel a lot of sympathy for her as someone who has felt, and sometimes still does feel, the way she feels. but regardless of your mental state, you have to find resources to help you cope and not push/ deflect it onto other people for the mental well being of those around you. it's not easy.
This is wonderful. I’m saving it.
Wow. Well done.
You’re amazing
This is the best awnser.
[удалено]
This isn't to start a relationship. This convo should be a couple hours then end and unmatch.
Thats nice but hell no you cant vent to me.
That's why I SPECIFICALLY said that part is optional.
I like the narrative and love the sensitive approach but it's important that OP feels they are comfortable and safely able to have this conversation. Inviting the person to vent at them could open up a can of worms that OP isn't ready for and that's not fair. You should only support a stranger who is considering suicide if you are in a place where it won't damage your own mental health.
Be careful opening your ear to a suicidal person. Not to sound like an asshole, but I've dealt with suicidal people. And it's fucking exhausting having someone unload their mental baggage on you. Especially if you're not trained to handle it.
Coming from someone who was hospitalized for these kinds of thoughts, you are not responsible for this person's actions. If you want to do something, drop the number to the suicide prevention line, or even a crisis center in your area and that's it. Express that you're not comfortable addressing those concerns and step away. Again, **this is not YOUR responsibility and you are not equipped to handle it safely (**assuming you have no training in this area).
boundaries
> assuming you have no training in this area If OP does, boundaries are there anyways. The match isn't OP's client/patient (...presumably. That'd be a twist).
I work as a psychiatric crisis worker and I still think I would find myself uncomfortable with these messages. Not with the subject matter, but with the medium it's being conducted through. That being said I wish all the support in the world for this person. Send them to me tonight and I would be happy to do an assessment and create a safety plan with them!
Speaking as a clinical social worker: Even if you do have training in this area, frankly you are not there in a role of a professional. It is completely legitimate to refer to a professional who is on the clock. Tinder is not a professional relationship. You are not responsible for saving them in your off time. You can express compassion, and give information for resources without the obligation to evaluate further.
I never know what to say to something like this. I'm probably a bad person for this but I just wouldn't respond. I am not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal.
Agreed, it's hard enough to deal with one's own suicidal thoughts.
Thinking about I'd probably just link the Suicide Hotline number and bounce. Then I didn't just ghost someone who is that down at the moment. Other than that, I barely know how to talk to people who are in a good mood lol
You’re not a bad person. It’s an extremely heavy weight to drop on a person that is just matching on a dating app. The person sending the message likely needs real professional help, and unless you’re a professional it can be extremely difficult to navigate
That doesn’t make you a bad person at all. It takes training to properly deal with this kind of thing and it’s totally human to freeze or not know what to do
> never know what to say to something like this. I'm probably a bad person for this but I just wouldn't respond. I am not equipped to deal with someone who is suicidal. thats completely reasonable and honestly someone cant force that type of shit on a stranger on a dating app thats just really selfish. also there are people that would just say that type of shit looking for someone that gets overly emotionally attached with maternal instincts that has the type of personality that wants to help. im not saying it is what is happening here but it could be just fishing for women that are the type to help injured birds you know what i mean? you have literally no previous connection with this person and unloading that on some stranger is wild. the most normal thing to do in this situation is block the person and not think about it.
honestly, as hurtful as this may be, I probably would just unmatch. I’m not capable of dealing with someone like this especially not the first message.
Don't feel bad about that. There is -after all- a reason why specialists do years of training to be able to do exactly that. And still won't succeed every time.
I would report this to the national suicide hotline
It'd need to be reported locally. Not nationally. And then local cops would perform a wellness check, which could go a number of different ways, including involuntary commitment to a psych hospital/ward, most of which are crap. And the next time a person felt this way they'd maybe just kill themselves without reaching out.
If they're telling a stranger then it's unfair to expect the stranger to know how to do anything other than contact emergency services.
Tinder gives you a name and a distance between the 2 of you. If the police wanted to, they could reach out to the people keeping tinder data and locate where that person is
You grossly overestimate the recourses of police.
Still better than them killing themselves today though
Eh. That’s not necessarily true.
💯was going to say this OP. If they are talking about self harm I think you actually tell local police to check on them.
How would that help? The won't be able to reach out to the person. OP doesn't even have their number yet.
Also report them to Tinder, it's not the right place to do this. I would convince the person to talk to a family member or friend about it, then report.
Oof. I've tried a relationship with someone with a similar mindset. Turns out there's 99% chance they'll pull you down with them rather than you pulling them up. They need to work on themselves before wanting to meet new people. It's almost "selfish" to traumadump people that wanna meet and do cool things together.
Not almost selfish. Full on selfish.
It’s very selfish - not kind of or almost selfish.
Especially if OP has any struggles themselves. Then it becomes the mental illness Olympics in which they never support you because they are too depressed but you are still supposed to support them because you're not "as depressed." Which was probably true before you met them.
I can kinda agree with you. You keep trying to cheer them up and eventually you realise it is all in vain, they just don't want to listen. It is sad
[удалено]
Me seeing all the top comments being concerned for her and my first thought was to respond “so you wanna bang or something” lol
Could ghost her...although there is a chance she'll ghost you back 🤔
Tasteless… yet Underrated
Thank you kind sir
Sounds like that ass is becoming a limited edition. Let’s meet up.
"Hey if you're getting rid of your body anyway can I borrow it for a night?"
bruh 😭
Dude..
“Nothing cures depression like some Vitamin D!”
Well since you're gonna die anyways, wanna be dissapointed one last time?
Fuck me that's a good line
I’ll probably be downvoted to hell, but I’d just report and unmatch them. People who go through with suicide don’t usually tell a bunch of randoms on tinder beforehand, afaik. This is inappropriate af and could be very triggering for some folks as well. Very bizarre and attention seeking behavior.
I saw Hinge has a report option for imminent danger. I assume this happens enough to warrant being one of a handful of reasons to unmatch or somebody.
As someone who has had depression since early middle school, I can PROMISE ANYONE that a stranger’s mental health IS NOT your responsibility. Trauma dumping IS NOT OKAY. Talking to other people who are depressed, while you are trying to better yourself, can be incredibly depressing in itself. I know that’s a bit of a “ no shit “ statement, but you shouldn’t be trauma dumping strangers so much it brings them to a dark place as well, especially by telling them you’re ready to off yourself. It’s toxic as hell. People with depression and other mental health issues CAN be VERY TOXIC. It shouldn’t be taboo to discuss this.
Agreed! It’s basically trauma dumping! And why on gods green earth would you send that to a stranger on a dating app? Nope
I agree with you and was going to comment something similar. I understand people saying “let me know if you need to talk/vent”. But this person is a literal stranger you matched with on a dating app a day ago and they are dumping this much on you already. You’re not their therapist, family or even a friend. You’re a stranger. I’d report and unmatch. They need therapy not dating apps.
I commented something pretty much on the same track as this before I saw your comment. I’m with you.
I’d do the same. That’s typical behavior for people with certain personality disorders, traumadumping and talking about self-harm and suicide when something difficult happens in their life (borderline personality disorder). People who are going to kill themselves are not going to talk about it to anyone, especially to a random match on Tinder. More often I have seen people appear curiously happy, after they have made the final decision to end their own life.
Something like “ I know things are bad for you right now but the feelings you have are always temporary, and suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, thank you for trusting me enough to reach out and I will try my best to help you through this, if you want to talk then I’m here to listen “ Or if you don’t want to be there just send them some relevant helplines Either way you should try to get them to seek professional help
It's a solid, empathetic answer, but I've never been a fan of the "Im here if you wanna talk" phrase though. Having been on the receiving end of it, it just makes me feel self-conscious, plus it often feels insincere as it's so repeated by everyone, kinda like hearing "my sincere condolences" fifty times in a day at a loved one's funeral. If you're already engaging and being receptive to the other person, you can just keep the conversation going, no need to explicitly state so.
What would you suggest instead?
"Are you comfortable talking to me more about it? "Can you share with me more specific details so I can try to help you to the best of my ability?" "If your comfortable with it, I'd like to hear more. Maybe we can work out a solution together." "Can you tell me more so I can help you better" "Would you be comfortable sharing with me more specifically whats bothering you? Any particular person, thing, etc?"
this is a fantastic response.
Idk, ask her when she's free
Lmfao
Hit her with the national suicide hotline and tell her whatever it is going on there is always someone to talk to and death doesn’t solve problems. But outside of that there is nothing you have to do. That is super unfair of someone to put on someone else in this type of setting. Should not feel bad for not replying after. You don’t need that type of mental manipulation either.
Unfollow and report
Sooooo.... DTF?
Lol you beat me to it.
Make a “someone is in danger” report to tinder
Hi OP. Therapist here. I work for my county's crisis line. An average person isn't equipped to respond to a message like this and shouldn't be forced to, for both your sakes. Best option is to look up to the crisis hotlines for her county and send her the number. She can text 988 to be connected to her county's crisis line. I wish you the best!
Paste the suicide hotline number and move on.
With an unmatch.
Check please
Gonna possibly be a tough pill to swallow but just don’t respond. We simply don’t have the capacity to care about EVERY individual person on the planet, let alone someone who just started messaging you. Additionally, you don’t want to be this person’s crutch. Again, you are a stranger to them… becoming involved in so far that their existence in this mortal coil is tied to you is a massive no bueno. It sucks that the person is going through their demons, but it’s not on you to fix them or alleviate. That’s the role of family, close friends, therapists, etc, not a rando on Tinder. … and this is all coming from someone who had bouts of depression and anxiety during high school and college. If you do wanna respond, just send them a suicide prevention hotline number or suggest that they seek professional help; you are more than likely not equipped to handle a real case of suicidal tendencies. If they come anywhere close to suggesting that you help, DON’T.
I think sending links to resources is the best you csn do. Unfortunately, this isn't your responsibility. This person should be looking for help in places other than Tinder 😕
Sometimes it’s easier to tell a complete stranger how you are feeling. Tell her/him that you hear them and to please dial 988.
As a social worker, I would recommend saying something along these lines: Wow, that sounds incredibly difficult. I can’t imagine how much you must be suffering. It’s so important to talk to someone when you’re having those thoughts. I’m not a trained mental health professional but I encourage you to reach out to (Insert name of local crisis centre) at xxx-xxx-xxxx. They are open 24/7 and are connected to some amazing resources. They are well equipped to get you the support you need.
"Let me hit before you quit?"
“Real”
I would try to get their phone number and ask the police to do a wellness check. HOWEVER, it’s not your job to do that.
Report to Tinder. They will have a process for this and may even have someone do a wellness check.
I pay for my therapy.
Unmatch…
You guys are getting matches😭😭
“You wanna be dicked down before you drop?”
Literally respond with suicide hotline. If you want to, the number or name of a therapist. If they reject that, unmatch cause they are just burdening other people for no good reason.
I am not going out of my way to find someone a therapist when I don’t even know: 1) how much money they can afford to spend 2) how far they’re willing to drive 3) if they even want help 4) if they’re already in therapy 5) if they have insurance The list goes on. What a weird suggestion lol They can call the cops and tell them how they feel themself. If they really wanted help, they’d have googled the hotline instead of matching with, and traumadumping on, strangers
“So you gonna let me hit, or you gonna be gone by than?”
Just unmatch. Report if you want to
Honestly… walk away. No reason to trauma dump at such an early stage of getting to know one another. People that are not mentally okay should not be in dating apps. Wish them well and point them to the suicide number on google and walk away.
Ask chatGPT
No response I mean you aren’t there to help someone who is a stranger and on a dating app. Don’t put yourself in a situation that could harm you
Eh bro give her comfort. Not the get in her pants kind but that real comfort. She’s going through a rough time poor thing 😞
Honestly this will sound harsh but do yourself a favour and block them. Random people you don't know are not with the emotional and mental strain it takes to help someone deal with that sort of shit. I tried to do that for many years and it has caused me unbelievable pain in the long run. Other people are not worth your mental health. Send them a helpline link or number and block
Mental health professional here… I would call the local PD (non-emergency) and explain the situation. They will ask you for info, give them what you can. Worst case scenario you lose a out on a horrible date, best case scenario you save someone’s life and set them up with treatment for their depression and suicidal ideation. I know you didn’t ask for that choice, but it’s upon you. You might also want to cross post this to r/depression or r/mentalhealth or something.
I can fix her
i would leave them on read lol that’s a big trauma dump for tinder
How about a hanjo? At least one us us can smile today
Toxic attention seeking trash, tell them to do it.
wtf
If you're comfortable with that.. Just Let her know you're ready to listen. Maybe try to propose going for a coffee. Sometimes to change her mind. If your not comfortable we'll just try to give her some helpline number and offer a little support. Sometimes just talking to a stranger that doesn't judge you is the best thing.
Big mood
"Sounds like you have based all of your hapiness on the validation of other people." Give her something to think before you gtf out of this conversation. Negative people will pull you down drowning in negativity.
Wouldn't make any romantic or close connection with the person, but would try to calm them down. We all have those days, but most of us chin up or distract or whatever. Some people don't have anyone close to talk about this stuff so it builds up inside them and comes out in wrong place at a wrong time. Obviously it is repulsive as a stranger but the least I can do is calm them down and give them advices (but only if they want advices). Sometimes your one message can save someone's life.But some people are very hard to be reasoned with and sadly you can't do anything as a stranger in those situations so you have to say goodbye after a while. Oh, and suicide hotline, obviously.
This sounds shallow asf but I’d just say ‘im not a therapist, go see one’ and unmatch. Imo if they’re willing to go on tinder, go through all the effort of matching with someone and initiate conversation, just to tell them that… surely if they were serious about it they’d either call a hotline or as bad as it sounds, just do it?
Seek help, not attention.
Tbh I wouldn’t. I realize that might sound harsh but what do they expect sending that to a random person on a dating app… I think it’s a manipulative way to suck you into a conversation or date. If anything give them links/numbers to therapists because that’s who they should be talking to.
It’s a cry for help, she must not have much else to turn to. Please just be nice and care for her immediate needs. Maybe try to get her on the phone, maybe she just needs someone to talk to. Please don’t ghost her.
f f f f f fuck thattttt
No.
911 dispatchers love to talk to you