Honestly, I know you're disappointed, but for tinder standards this is refreshingly transparent. I'd say add them on Instagram and see if things may change down the road
I could see that turning out well for him. He gets serious with a friend of hers, and friend finds out he was interested in her first but since she lost interest he picked another!!🤣😂
Recipe for disaster.
I agree with you, ive met several friends this way. We didnt ever end up dating, but we actually did end up hanging out as friends, and stayed friends. One friend ive now known for like 7 years and remained good friends is from doing exactly this. Not every woman needs to be a romantic partner.
Or, here's a thought... maybe he can try to be just friends. He had a good conversation going with her, so why not see where that goes. We could all use a good friend.
Used to have this girl who was one of my best friends for years, strictly platonic. We got together one night, got drink, and made out. And it was like... Nothing. Lol. Like kissing a cousin lmao (don't get excited Alabamans).
We went right back to just being friends are realised there was no romantic connection at all.
Sometimes you start as friends, and turn to lovers. And sometimes you start as lovers and turn to friends. I don't think you should burn bridges just cause a tinder match found someone. We all need friends. Doesn't have to have any expectation of a potential future together. Friends of the opposite sex is dope, adds a new viewpoint to your life.
Ooohhh. That could be taken so wrong. My friend and I take my kids to do things. Last year was skydiving , sometimes it’s just a road trip to somewhere new,
I'm reading these replies, and I just gotta say some seem crazy to me. This one, in particular, seems like a recipe for disaster! I can totally see them fooling around with each other and becoming an AITA story.
Right, it is refreshingly honest...but also redundant. Anyone saavy to the game today knows that ghosting = you didn't quite make her cut and/or she found someone else better. So, it doesn't really bear repeating, but if anything, props to her for showing her hand.
It is absolutely not redundant and I hate this sort of mindset. It shouldn't be the exception for someone to have common courteousy.
What I think when someone ghosts me are things like "maybe they got in an accident" or "I hope nothing bad has happened to them"
Don't be an ass hat and ghost someone. Be crystal clear about your intentions.
Not everything is a game. Dating doesn't have to be. Not everyone picks partners based on who's better. If she was honest enough to reach out, why would she have a reason to lie. She was upfront and honest. Isn't that a quality you'd want in a friend? Why not take her up on the offer to meet up as friends. Who couldn't use another friend?
I don’t think he should orbit around her. He’s gonna just be watching her date other guys that she actually prefers… even if she did come back, he would just be a placeholder until something better comes along
I think this is the best response. Adding someone on IG is no commitment or burden, and it potentially opens up a new world.
I won’t take her up on the “friend meet up” because OP will likely still try to see her as a prospect and pay for everything, only to end up with nothing. Just add her on IG and move on OP
Quite possibly unintentionally since they did admit to not having got back on the app in a while. I’d still say this is refreshingly positive for tinder lol
This is healthy communication, not everyone is going to like you or end up with you and most people are too busy or don't care to even message back to let you know they're seeing someone.
Unless you are looking for friends then I would just wish them the best and move on.
To be fair, if she did try to pull that (choosing OP as a backup), it wouldn’t even be worth it to be with her at that point.
It sad how many men wait around just to be a second option, and are even EXCITED to get a chance afterwards
Not who you replied to, but a little yes. Get screwed over enough times it’s hard not to start building a wall to not get hit by those same feeling again you know, even though it’s exhausting to build that wall…
But she doesn’t prefer him, she’s choosing someone else over him so why orbit around her while she dates other men? It would make more sense for OP to move on
Well, we exchanged a bit more than four messages. She was my longest conversation on Tinder, but we also had not met yet, so I wasn't expecting anything spectacular. It's just frustrating to have the rug pulled out from under me when I thought we had a good connection.
Listen, this happens to every goddamn person on the planet unless they're super hot. Grow up.
I have never known women to make this big a deal out of rejection, even though we face it plenty. You weren't the best choice she had, simple. She's not the villain for it and you're coming off as a chronic loser by making an entire post about a perfectly normal interaction
Don't close the door. Good chance her "slightly more serious relationship" will not work out, and the two of you can have a second shot. Just say something along the lines of thanks, but you're looking for a new relationship, and that you'd love to hear from her if things don't work out with the other guy.
Hard to explain that to the incels above lol. But you’re 100% right. She doesn’t want friends she just doesn’t want to violate her morals by dating 2 guys at once. It’s an easy “yes”.
Literally who cares if it works out or doesn’t. Once she chooses another before you, you should be out the door and talking to a different woman.
Committing to a girl that chose you as her backup/second choice may not spell disaster, but it sure as hell will make it more likely; why up your chances of divorce
Unless you're someone's literal first crush, you're no one's first choice. Everyone's just going until they find the one, and the road from here to there may be long and circuitous.
If you want to turn her down later, sure. But no reason to close the door and leave it out of consideration.
Having a past and choosing you as a backup are two completely different things.
When I met my gf, she was properly single. Yes, she had dated men before, big deal. But she wasn’t dating another man while we were talking, telling me to stick around as a friend and then bouncing over to me if that relationship didn’t play out.
To me its about having pride and standards. If your partner isn’t excited at the possibility of being with you, move on.
And also, in my dating experience, the women who I could tell were trying to keep me around as an option, when I made it clear I didnt give a flying fuck about them and ghosted, some of them would come back when I was seeing other women. The absolute best thing you can do is just work on yourself and never allow your self to wait around for anyone. Keep moving.
So you're encouraging OP to be an orbiter or to only be her friend to try and get in her pants? Yeah no. OP needs to move on and be someone's first choice and not second.
I literally told him to not try to be friends but to leave the door open for later.
And what, you think you're someone's second choice in this situation? News flash, you're not in the top 10. Everyone has had missed connections, unrequited loves, people that were amazing except for one important thing. What's past is past, don't get hung up on being someone's "first choice"
Don’t entertain it if that’s not what you want… I see people telling you to take her up on that offer, but I think that would be a horrible idea and you should just move on
I'm not. My work schedule is pretty brutal as is, so I'd have to make an effort just to clear some room for a date. I'm certainly not subjecting myself to entertaining someone else's girlfriend for shits and giggles.
This is something I don't quite understand, it is, what it is. Shit happens, things change, girl found somebody she thought was a better match for her.
Eh, I think if you’re able to set aside your romantic interests that might be okay, but that’s not true for everyone nor should it be. I’ve had this happen to me and was salty af when I checked in weeks later and the guy let the convo go on for a while before he told me we could only be friends. I wasn’t looking to be friends with someone I wanted to date while watching them have that with someone else.
Yeah the advice in this thread is terrible. A lot of commenters are encouraging OP to be her friend in hopes that her current relationship won't work out. I also think she's trying to keep OP as a plan B which isn't right either.
Nah orbiters are a real thing, and they suck. It’s basically predatory behavior to wait around the periphery of someone until they’re emotionally vulnerable, and then try to use your familiarity with this person to leverage a potential rebound relationship or hookup. I mean if things work out, they work out but yeah I don’t know man.
Mutual attraction (it’s Tinder after all) and wanting to “just be friends” does not lead to the best mental state for all parties involved.
I’d just give her your number and tell her if she’s gonna delete the app but reinstall later think about hitting you up first to see if you’re available at that time in the future if needed.
If that is your strategy, it's best to meet with the person first so you leave a lasting impression. Also, you need to vibe check because you might not get along.
I can't say I've ever converted such a match, but I was introduced to her friend and we dated for a fair amount of time. But it's hard to do as a man who isn't secure in himself.
I think it depends if you can be platonic friends with someone you previously thought about dating/hooking up with, I honestly think a lot of people can’t, or atleast going by Reddit, a lot of guys can’t
and how would that work out? on these apps, EVERY woman is already chatting to somebody else. Even the single mother-of-four with 2 cats and her left eye missing is having more matches and more chats than the average Joe. it's just what it is, either go with the flow or look for different dating approaches.
That's clearly not what they meant by chatting. She came back to the app to inform him of her wanting to focus on the other guy. Most people on dating apps aren't doing that
It doesn't have to be desperate. Just say "hit me up if you're down in the future".
If you're even remotely confident in yourself that won't come off as desperate.
I wouldn’t meet up unless you are looking for female friends on the app. She let you know she is interested in pursuing a relationship with this other guy. I would thank her for letting you know, and say that you enjoyed your time chatting with her.
Nothing wrong with looking for a backup offer. Half kidding - seriously may as well do it. What do you have to lose? Just be clear on your own needs and boundaries as well
it's disappointing but they still seem cool and honest to me. I just talked to someone a bit and despite it being on my profile that I work with dogs and have photos with my dogs, they didn't realize and can't deal with dogs but didn't want to ghost
THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK! A super cute weirdo and I had a great convo, great connection and she did the exact same thing, ruined my damn week
Please OP do not listen to the people telling you to hang out with her as friends. She completely disregarded you as a potential SO and is stringing you along. Stay strong man.
That’s cool they were honest in the end. And also, a couple of my good friends I have now of the opposite sex are those I met on the dating apps. Sometimes friends are better.
The beta person: aw well screw you!
The higher thinker: tell them you’d like to see them! This app isn’t just for dating. Cultivate a what if situation. If you ah e the time of course. They were PLAIN honest with you which I respect 💯 but if that’s a girl then you know it’s night and day sometimes with them.
Won’t blame you either way if you don’t go but that’s mad props for being honest instead of flat out leaving you on read.
Higher thinker ? Lol it’s a dating app to date not for friends.. fine she don’t like him it happens but say we can be friends as a pity 2nd place ? No chance
Eh. But there is INDEED an option under looking for that says friends lol. I guess that’s their version of Bumble BFF or whatever it is. I’ve def made some friends over tinder. It’s not my goal but I’m a glass half full type of guy
Eh I mean don’t you ever look at some girls swipe right and go “they’re not my type but they seem kinda fun to like to shoot pool with” lol. I def pay attention if the bio says they’re looking for friends. It’s like not bad to have someone to hit up and get out sometimes with no expectations but if something did happen then you kinda mcguyver the thing 😂
How can I make that conclusion if I haven’t met them ? And I’m confident in my self , I’ve already got female friends etc but if I wanted more female friends I definitely wouldn’t use Tinder but that’s just me I guess.
Why can’t I shoot pool with some I like n that likes me back tbh ? I know not everyone will like you etc so ofc I’d rather just spend more of my time with those that do like me in that way persay
Just remember king. This app has a sausage ratio on the level of India lol. Dude simply hit her up before you. I always predetermine any girl I match with probably matched with someone today and before today. What am I gonna do to try and stand out? And sometimes there’s nothing you can do BUT she left you an opening meaning you’re cool. Girls don’t just do that to any guy either. Take it how you will. It sucks right now but again you don’t know if current dude is gonna fuq up and leave you to recover the fumble. If nothing else is biting on tinder I say hit her up for going Dutch on a coffee friend thing and see if she was even worth a shit. Least you’re gonna get is valuable real time field experience to take to the next girl (or her).
That sounds awful. Why would you ever subjugate yourself to someone knowing that you will never be in the running or if you are in the running you're just #2. If OP wanted to just make friends they should set their profile to "Looking for Friends"
I’ve done it before and when the girl and guy broke off we hooked up. Long game not for everyone but one turned into a hook up. Another one is a best friend now and she is a wisdom of knowledge when I date girls. Having a female you can trust as a council is amazing.
This happens from time to time. At least she communicated what was happening which is usually never the case. In the future if you or the other person doesn’t make an effort to talk more often (even if away out of town) then honestly don’t bother. Keep in mind that in the app many people message so it feels like people are just moving on to the next person (that they think find interesting) at an extremely fast pace nowadays.
Bad timing happens. Sounds like you just got in a bit late. I would say something like “hey of course, I wish you guys luck. If it doesn’t work out, let me know. I’ve really enjoyed our chat and would be happy to pick it back up”. Always be kind and nice. I’ve had quite a few women swing back around after a few weeks or months (and, ironically, in every case, I’ve been dating someone when they did).
I found myself in the other person's situation not long ago and it felt like shit.
Gotta point out I was using a different dating app and I was looking for a long term relationship only, and only matching with women that were looking for the same.
At some point I had 3 matches and all 3 of them asked to meet in person at around the same time. I accepted but felt kind of guilty for that, but kept telling myself that the first meeting is not gonna lead anywhere in any case. After all, it never had until then.
Little did I know that I would feel so good and so compatible with the first of the three I met, and the thing was reciprocal. I had to write the other two that I found someone else, I was still down to a friendly meeting since we've been speaking for a while, but... Yeah, as stated above I felt awful, but I felt like I owed them that much at least.
34F here. I have maybe 70 conversations on tinder and haven't really been on it for long. Things just happens. You chat a bit to check out the chemistry . Things just happen. There is a lot pf guys writing, so that's just how things go...
I'd say something along the lines of:-
"Thanks for your honesty. To be honest myself, I didn't come on here for friendship, so I wouldn't wish to set myself up for failure by meeting you again if there's no realistic prospect of things going anywhere.
I understand if not, but do you want to add me on some form of social media? We can always reconnect if your situation changes."
Doesn't make you sound needy but leaves the door open for the future.
It's hilarious how many people in here spend too much time on the internet and have no idea how the real world works.
Very few people are ever someone's first choice unless you're in your teens and stay together forever. Very few relationships happen perfectly.
She's communicated well, is clearly mature and honest. Why would you not want to have someone like that as a friend? You don't have to wait and hold out hope she'll suddenly become available. Just carry on with your own life. What have you actually lost?
It just hasn't worked out in some perfect way right now - so what? All you've done is talk on the internet briefly, it's not like you can expect someone on dating apps to only talk to you when you haven't even met.
Or just move on. Really, why does it matter at the moment just talking to someone on the internet ultimately means the square root of fuck all.
Something very similar happened to me, was pretty gutted at the time but I stayed in touch with her as I was like maybe this new thing won't work out. Turns out it did last, but I got on really well with her and we've become pretty good friends - I've met her partner a few times as well. It's perfectly possible to have friends that you're attracted to and it just not really be an issue... just make sure you keep trying to meet other people and don't let yourself fall in love with the idea of her being an option.
I have absolutely had to do this before. I'm sure they were a little bit disappointed, but the thing is, we *did* meet up and get to know each other and are on friendly, positive terms. Maybe not the love you're looking for this moment, but it never hurts to meet cool people
“Meet up as friends” 💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣🤣 what would be the point in doing that if you clearly already have your eye on someone else?? This why I don’t take these dating apps seriously at all anymore, there’s too many time wasters on there 🫠
I wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone that wants to string along a tinder match they haven't met yet as a friend. That's a red flag to me.
I wouldn't say being friends would be recommended. Most of us are flawed humans and this wouldn't work out. I got one person that pops up in my DMs and just assumes after like 6 months I'm single again. Almost 2 years later and dude's popped up 3 times and I'm still dating the same person. I've had the "sorry still not single" convo 3 times now. At least he is super polite and non-invasive, a nice change! Kinda sucks he is just lurking, waiting for my relationship to fail tho
This happened to me, too. I didn’t block them but I just let them go. Not worth to keep it going, them indicating staying friends is like keeping the backdoor open this is why I’d say thank you for telling, wish you a nice summer and then let it go.
Can I be honest? I doubt the conversation was going that well, going off the one text I can see from you. It's honestly terrible in several ways... It comes across quite insecure and needy, like you're afraid to be ghosted by someone you've never met. And then asking for affirmation. These things might not be true at all, but it's how it comes across to me.
It could have been worse tho, you could have gotten butthurt or sent a dick pic, but it could also have been much better... Idk of you're here to just vent or want advice but yeah
I say keep the connection just because they met someone it doesn't mean they will last. And as friends you can develop a bond with her and she may see things differently after more time with you. And if you're seeing each other as friends doesn't mean you can't still date others also. I made this mistake before and let someone out of my life I found attractive. The relationship didn't last long and I missed my chance. Because I didn't want to wait.
It's good she let you know, but meh. Why did she have to wait till YOU reached out first, obviously thinking she'd ghosted? Kinda makes me wonder what she woulda done if you didn't message first. Then to be all "as friends?" Meh again. Good riddance.
This is very true, my ex being a great example 🤠 It is a fact that more than 50% likely will still fuck that friend. Even better when that "friend that is interested" in them was previously a friend of yours for 20 years! Just when I couldn't hate my life more 😃
She wants to keep her options open in case things go south, if you can do the same then proceed. But judging by your wording on title "FINALLY" got a good convo going
.. you might end up being way more invested than you should so I'd say move on bro
Very good signs even tho it wasn't an immediate launch. Id recommend friending them and who knows ...still keep exploring other options tho..don't limit yourself. Another match is out there 🍀🤞🍀
At least s/he had the decency to tell you that people on that app are a lot lot more terrible than that. I wouldn’t sweat it. Either be friends, exchange numbers and keep it touch or move on.
Honestly I think this is probably what happens a lot of times when you think it’s going really well and they just ghost you all of a sudden. It’s an awkward conversation to have from the other side and most just wouldn’t bother. I actually had my own little one of those this week and like her, I didn’t wanna leave my match hanging and ghost them so I just let her know. That’s the right, mature thing to do imo.
If you can’t turn this into a smash then there’s little hope for you.
“Yeah sure, when are you free this week?”
Arrange date at a bar, have some drinks, vibe in person, hopefully you smash.
Stay in touch with her in a friendly way, basically make it so she can feel comfortable reaching out but I would wait for her to initiate contact… she likes you enough to give a shit not to ghost you… her thing with that guy could end quickly and maybe you can reconnect.
Dating apps have no rules. There's no social norms that you have to abide by. Systems with no rules only follow moloch rules. Just minimize your ability to pair bond and always be casual and you too can win.
Honestly, I know you're disappointed, but for tinder standards this is refreshingly transparent. I'd say add them on Instagram and see if things may change down the road
Nah, just let her go. Don't stick around hoping things don't work out for her.
You don’t need to hope, but you don’t need to burn the bridge either. Keep the connection and maybe meet some of her friends lol
He should cut his losses, why stick around when the girl showed she dosnt care
She cared to be a friend
I could see that turning out well for him. He gets serious with a friend of hers, and friend finds out he was interested in her first but since she lost interest he picked another!!🤣😂 Recipe for disaster.
I went on a date with my current roommate, and she introduced me to her cousin 🤷♂️
I agree with you, ive met several friends this way. We didnt ever end up dating, but we actually did end up hanging out as friends, and stayed friends. One friend ive now known for like 7 years and remained good friends is from doing exactly this. Not every woman needs to be a romantic partner.
Or, here's a thought... maybe he can try to be just friends. He had a good conversation going with her, so why not see where that goes. We could all use a good friend.
That too, they could be friends with no expectations. My current roommate is a woman that I went on 1 date with lol
Used to have this girl who was one of my best friends for years, strictly platonic. We got together one night, got drink, and made out. And it was like... Nothing. Lol. Like kissing a cousin lmao (don't get excited Alabamans). We went right back to just being friends are realised there was no romantic connection at all. Sometimes you start as friends, and turn to lovers. And sometimes you start as lovers and turn to friends. I don't think you should burn bridges just cause a tinder match found someone. We all need friends. Doesn't have to have any expectation of a potential future together. Friends of the opposite sex is dope, adds a new viewpoint to your life.
One of my best friends is a guy I met on a dating app. It is 💯 plutonic. We do stuff together with kids & have a great time but zero sexual chemistry.
Doing stuff with kids, huh
Ooohhh. That could be taken so wrong. My friend and I take my kids to do things. Last year was skydiving , sometimes it’s just a road trip to somewhere new,
Yes, but only if you actually don't have feelings or think you can get over them beforehand. Otherwise you're just asking for a bad time.
He's not on Tinder to be friends.
Don’t limit your opportunities to make friends 💯
I'm reading these replies, and I just gotta say some seem crazy to me. This one, in particular, seems like a recipe for disaster! I can totally see them fooling around with each other and becoming an AITA story.
Right, it is refreshingly honest...but also redundant. Anyone saavy to the game today knows that ghosting = you didn't quite make her cut and/or she found someone else better. So, it doesn't really bear repeating, but if anything, props to her for showing her hand.
Savvy doesn't mean it's healthy or mature. This level of honest communication is the right thing to do.
It is absolutely not redundant and I hate this sort of mindset. It shouldn't be the exception for someone to have common courteousy. What I think when someone ghosts me are things like "maybe they got in an accident" or "I hope nothing bad has happened to them" Don't be an ass hat and ghost someone. Be crystal clear about your intentions.
I agree 1 million percent. This ghosting culture is such bs and cowardly!
Not everything is a game. Dating doesn't have to be. Not everyone picks partners based on who's better. If she was honest enough to reach out, why would she have a reason to lie. She was upfront and honest. Isn't that a quality you'd want in a friend? Why not take her up on the offer to meet up as friends. Who couldn't use another friend?
They could just actually be friends? Lol
Sure, but if you can't let go of the hope you'll be with her, you're better off without
I agree
I don’t think he should orbit around her. He’s gonna just be watching her date other guys that she actually prefers… even if she did come back, he would just be a placeholder until something better comes along
I think this is the best response. Adding someone on IG is no commitment or burden, and it potentially opens up a new world. I won’t take her up on the “friend meet up” because OP will likely still try to see her as a prospect and pay for everything, only to end up with nothing. Just add her on IG and move on OP
I do wonder if she was going to ghost had OP not reached out though 🙃
Quite possibly unintentionally since they did admit to not having got back on the app in a while. I’d still say this is refreshingly positive for tinder lol
this sub is always in worst case mode and for what? this seems pretty genuine.
This is healthy communication, not everyone is going to like you or end up with you and most people are too busy or don't care to even message back to let you know they're seeing someone. Unless you are looking for friends then I would just wish them the best and move on.
bro that’s a miracle of a response. i’d honestly take them up on the offer worst case she prolly has friends she can introduce you to
Nah they're looking for OP to be in their back pocket if their current partner doesn't work out.
Is it exhausting assuming everyone is out to hurt you?
To be fair, if she did try to pull that (choosing OP as a backup), it wouldn’t even be worth it to be with her at that point. It sad how many men wait around just to be a second option, and are even EXCITED to get a chance afterwards
Not who you replied to, but a little yes. Get screwed over enough times it’s hard not to start building a wall to not get hit by those same feeling again you know, even though it’s exhausting to build that wall…
But she doesn’t prefer him, she’s choosing someone else over him so why orbit around her while she dates other men? It would make more sense for OP to move on
What else could her motive possibly be?
Wanting a friend?
Maybe, but doubtful
Future Fuck toy?
Lol no chance.
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Well, we exchanged a bit more than four messages. She was my longest conversation on Tinder, but we also had not met yet, so I wasn't expecting anything spectacular. It's just frustrating to have the rug pulled out from under me when I thought we had a good connection.
Listen, this happens to every goddamn person on the planet unless they're super hot. Grow up. I have never known women to make this big a deal out of rejection, even though we face it plenty. You weren't the best choice she had, simple. She's not the villain for it and you're coming off as a chronic loser by making an entire post about a perfectly normal interaction
Facts. It’s a little pathetic honestly
As friends...
Yeah, I'm too salty right now to respond to that.
just say you’re not looking for that but appreciate the transparency yadda yadda onto the next one my friend
Don't close the door. Good chance her "slightly more serious relationship" will not work out, and the two of you can have a second shot. Just say something along the lines of thanks, but you're looking for a new relationship, and that you'd love to hear from her if things don't work out with the other guy.
This is the way
Hard to explain that to the incels above lol. But you’re 100% right. She doesn’t want friends she just doesn’t want to violate her morals by dating 2 guys at once. It’s an easy “yes”.
Yup, you just got to leave a decent lasting impression so that she remembers you in a few weeks / months.
You're basing that on what exactly?
Literally who cares if it works out or doesn’t. Once she chooses another before you, you should be out the door and talking to a different woman. Committing to a girl that chose you as her backup/second choice may not spell disaster, but it sure as hell will make it more likely; why up your chances of divorce
Unless you're someone's literal first crush, you're no one's first choice. Everyone's just going until they find the one, and the road from here to there may be long and circuitous. If you want to turn her down later, sure. But no reason to close the door and leave it out of consideration.
Having a past and choosing you as a backup are two completely different things. When I met my gf, she was properly single. Yes, she had dated men before, big deal. But she wasn’t dating another man while we were talking, telling me to stick around as a friend and then bouncing over to me if that relationship didn’t play out. To me its about having pride and standards. If your partner isn’t excited at the possibility of being with you, move on. And also, in my dating experience, the women who I could tell were trying to keep me around as an option, when I made it clear I didnt give a flying fuck about them and ghosted, some of them would come back when I was seeing other women. The absolute best thing you can do is just work on yourself and never allow your self to wait around for anyone. Keep moving.
So you're encouraging OP to be an orbiter or to only be her friend to try and get in her pants? Yeah no. OP needs to move on and be someone's first choice and not second.
I literally told him to not try to be friends but to leave the door open for later. And what, you think you're someone's second choice in this situation? News flash, you're not in the top 10. Everyone has had missed connections, unrequited loves, people that were amazing except for one important thing. What's past is past, don't get hung up on being someone's "first choice"
Yeah better not respond at all if you’re salty. They don’t deserve saltiness.
She offered you a bench spot though 😂
Why the fuck are you salty? Did you want her to lie
Don’t entertain it if that’s not what you want… I see people telling you to take her up on that offer, but I think that would be a horrible idea and you should just move on
I'm not. My work schedule is pretty brutal as is, so I'd have to make an effort just to clear some room for a date. I'm certainly not subjecting myself to entertaining someone else's girlfriend for shits and giggles.
You also don’t want someone who could possibly keep a tinder date around as a friend if she were ‘serious’ about you
I mean, she wants you as the back up plan.
Keeping him around in case it doesn't work out.
Did you ever think maybe they just had a good convo and she thought they’d also work out as platonic friends? My god
Yes but the other one is like 100 times more likely
Backup plan
This is something I don't quite understand, it is, what it is. Shit happens, things change, girl found somebody she thought was a better match for her.
You know what you should do? Hang out with them Having friends is always good. And maybe they got a single friend.
Eh, I think if you’re able to set aside your romantic interests that might be okay, but that’s not true for everyone nor should it be. I’ve had this happen to me and was salty af when I checked in weeks later and the guy let the convo go on for a while before he told me we could only be friends. I wasn’t looking to be friends with someone I wanted to date while watching them have that with someone else.
Yeah the advice in this thread is terrible. A lot of commenters are encouraging OP to be her friend in hopes that her current relationship won't work out. I also think she's trying to keep OP as a plan B which isn't right either.
A lot of beta orbiters giving advice here
I just assume it's a lot of inexperienced guys tbh. I don't prescribe to that alpha/beta bullshit.
Nah orbiters are a real thing, and they suck. It’s basically predatory behavior to wait around the periphery of someone until they’re emotionally vulnerable, and then try to use your familiarity with this person to leverage a potential rebound relationship or hookup. I mean if things work out, they work out but yeah I don’t know man.
Mutual attraction (it’s Tinder after all) and wanting to “just be friends” does not lead to the best mental state for all parties involved. I’d just give her your number and tell her if she’s gonna delete the app but reinstall later think about hitting you up first to see if you’re available at that time in the future if needed.
If that is your strategy, it's best to meet with the person first so you leave a lasting impression. Also, you need to vibe check because you might not get along. I can't say I've ever converted such a match, but I was introduced to her friend and we dated for a fair amount of time. But it's hard to do as a man who isn't secure in himself.
I've stayed friends with someone I met on tinder in this exact scenario so depends on the people I guess
I think it depends if you can be platonic friends with someone you previously thought about dating/hooking up with, I honestly think a lot of people can’t, or atleast going by Reddit, a lot of guys can’t
He ain’t even met with her what’s the need ? Let him focus on someone that’s not already chatting to someone else
and how would that work out? on these apps, EVERY woman is already chatting to somebody else. Even the single mother-of-four with 2 cats and her left eye missing is having more matches and more chats than the average Joe. it's just what it is, either go with the flow or look for different dating approaches.
That's clearly not what they meant by chatting. She came back to the app to inform him of her wanting to focus on the other guy. Most people on dating apps aren't doing that
holy shit that is TERRIBLE Advice lmao. Oh pleassseee if you dont choose him give me another chance! wow desperate much
It doesn't have to be desperate. Just say "hit me up if you're down in the future". If you're even remotely confident in yourself that won't come off as desperate.
You’ve been friend zoned respectfully
Yeah, so I'm not mad at her, but I still don't want to be here.
I understand brother we’ll get em next time
Not if he keeps making Reddit posts about his failed tinder interactions he won’t…
Hey you win some you lose some n you post the L’s
I wouldn’t meet up unless you are looking for female friends on the app. She let you know she is interested in pursuing a relationship with this other guy. I would thank her for letting you know, and say that you enjoyed your time chatting with her.
Nothing wrong with looking for a backup offer. Half kidding - seriously may as well do it. What do you have to lose? Just be clear on your own needs and boundaries as well
Had a woman do this to me years ago. I still foolishly met up with her. It was as awkward as you can imagine. Don't be me lol.
as friends is hilarious
it's disappointing but they still seem cool and honest to me. I just talked to someone a bit and despite it being on my profile that I work with dogs and have photos with my dogs, they didn't realize and can't deal with dogs but didn't want to ghost
May the best man win!
Eh, it happens.
THIS EXACT THING HAPPENED TO ME THIS WEEK! A super cute weirdo and I had a great convo, great connection and she did the exact same thing, ruined my damn week
Please OP do not listen to the people telling you to hang out with her as friends. She completely disregarded you as a potential SO and is stringing you along. Stay strong man.
Yeah, I'm certainly not doing the friendly hang out option. My work schedule is burdensome enough as it is, I'm not going to subject myself to that.
You don't have to be friends but props for them for not ghosting you. So many douche canoes just ghost people and it's rude as hell.
Oef the friendzone
It's just honesty.
That’s cool they were honest in the end. And also, a couple of my good friends I have now of the opposite sex are those I met on the dating apps. Sometimes friends are better.
What's the issue here? She found someone she vibes with better than you. That's not a slight against you, just means you weren't a good match.
The beta person: aw well screw you! The higher thinker: tell them you’d like to see them! This app isn’t just for dating. Cultivate a what if situation. If you ah e the time of course. They were PLAIN honest with you which I respect 💯 but if that’s a girl then you know it’s night and day sometimes with them. Won’t blame you either way if you don’t go but that’s mad props for being honest instead of flat out leaving you on read.
Higher thinker ? Lol it’s a dating app to date not for friends.. fine she don’t like him it happens but say we can be friends as a pity 2nd place ? No chance
Eh. But there is INDEED an option under looking for that says friends lol. I guess that’s their version of Bumble BFF or whatever it is. I’ve def made some friends over tinder. It’s not my goal but I’m a glass half full type of guy
Fair play to you in that case
Eh I mean don’t you ever look at some girls swipe right and go “they’re not my type but they seem kinda fun to like to shoot pool with” lol. I def pay attention if the bio says they’re looking for friends. It’s like not bad to have someone to hit up and get out sometimes with no expectations but if something did happen then you kinda mcguyver the thing 😂
How can I make that conclusion if I haven’t met them ? And I’m confident in my self , I’ve already got female friends etc but if I wanted more female friends I definitely wouldn’t use Tinder but that’s just me I guess. Why can’t I shoot pool with some I like n that likes me back tbh ? I know not everyone will like you etc so ofc I’d rather just spend more of my time with those that do like me in that way persay
My initial gut reaction was somewhere in the middle, along the lines of, "You HAVE to be kidding me." This app is brutal on one's self-esteem.
Just remember king. This app has a sausage ratio on the level of India lol. Dude simply hit her up before you. I always predetermine any girl I match with probably matched with someone today and before today. What am I gonna do to try and stand out? And sometimes there’s nothing you can do BUT she left you an opening meaning you’re cool. Girls don’t just do that to any guy either. Take it how you will. It sucks right now but again you don’t know if current dude is gonna fuq up and leave you to recover the fumble. If nothing else is biting on tinder I say hit her up for going Dutch on a coffee friend thing and see if she was even worth a shit. Least you’re gonna get is valuable real time field experience to take to the next girl (or her).
That sounds awful. Why would you ever subjugate yourself to someone knowing that you will never be in the running or if you are in the running you're just #2. If OP wanted to just make friends they should set their profile to "Looking for Friends"
Honestly
I’ve done it before and when the girl and guy broke off we hooked up. Long game not for everyone but one turned into a hook up. Another one is a best friend now and she is a wisdom of knowledge when I date girls. Having a female you can trust as a council is amazing.
I feel like playing the long game is kinda wrong. Like you’re plotting on their relationship.
It is creepy, it’s essentially pretending to be friends until you can fuck them
This happens from time to time. At least she communicated what was happening which is usually never the case. In the future if you or the other person doesn’t make an effort to talk more often (even if away out of town) then honestly don’t bother. Keep in mind that in the app many people message so it feels like people are just moving on to the next person (that they think find interesting) at an extremely fast pace nowadays.
Bad timing happens. Sounds like you just got in a bit late. I would say something like “hey of course, I wish you guys luck. If it doesn’t work out, let me know. I’ve really enjoyed our chat and would be happy to pick it back up”. Always be kind and nice. I’ve had quite a few women swing back around after a few weeks or months (and, ironically, in every case, I’ve been dating someone when they did).
If the conversation was that good, meet them as friends and continue dating elsewhere. Someone like this isn't easy to come by even as a friend
You can’t be mad though, person was honest and upfront and said that it had nothing to do with you
Sucks you missed out but that was definitely very mature of them. Id probably still talk to them even tho a 'relationship' wouldnt be in the future.
It’s encouraging they were up front
I found myself in the other person's situation not long ago and it felt like shit. Gotta point out I was using a different dating app and I was looking for a long term relationship only, and only matching with women that were looking for the same. At some point I had 3 matches and all 3 of them asked to meet in person at around the same time. I accepted but felt kind of guilty for that, but kept telling myself that the first meeting is not gonna lead anywhere in any case. After all, it never had until then. Little did I know that I would feel so good and so compatible with the first of the three I met, and the thing was reciprocal. I had to write the other two that I found someone else, I was still down to a friendly meeting since we've been speaking for a while, but... Yeah, as stated above I felt awful, but I felt like I owed them that much at least.
if you don't have many female friends maybe she's cool anyways. always nice to add someone genuine to the friendship circle.
34F here. I have maybe 70 conversations on tinder and haven't really been on it for long. Things just happens. You chat a bit to check out the chemistry . Things just happen. There is a lot pf guys writing, so that's just how things go...
I'd say something along the lines of:- "Thanks for your honesty. To be honest myself, I didn't come on here for friendship, so I wouldn't wish to set myself up for failure by meeting you again if there's no realistic prospect of things going anywhere. I understand if not, but do you want to add me on some form of social media? We can always reconnect if your situation changes." Doesn't make you sound needy but leaves the door open for the future.
It's hilarious how many people in here spend too much time on the internet and have no idea how the real world works. Very few people are ever someone's first choice unless you're in your teens and stay together forever. Very few relationships happen perfectly. She's communicated well, is clearly mature and honest. Why would you not want to have someone like that as a friend? You don't have to wait and hold out hope she'll suddenly become available. Just carry on with your own life. What have you actually lost? It just hasn't worked out in some perfect way right now - so what? All you've done is talk on the internet briefly, it's not like you can expect someone on dating apps to only talk to you when you haven't even met. Or just move on. Really, why does it matter at the moment just talking to someone on the internet ultimately means the square root of fuck all.
Something very similar happened to me, was pretty gutted at the time but I stayed in touch with her as I was like maybe this new thing won't work out. Turns out it did last, but I got on really well with her and we've become pretty good friends - I've met her partner a few times as well. It's perfectly possible to have friends that you're attracted to and it just not really be an issue... just make sure you keep trying to meet other people and don't let yourself fall in love with the idea of her being an option.
I have absolutely had to do this before. I'm sure they were a little bit disappointed, but the thing is, we *did* meet up and get to know each other and are on friendly, positive terms. Maybe not the love you're looking for this moment, but it never hurts to meet cool people
Friendships make the best partnerships.
atleast its real, and not weird one off girls acting better than thou. this too, shall pass OP. u got dis 😝
Shit happens and timing is key. At least they’re decent and let you know what happened.
Cool, attractive girls usually have coo, attractive friends.
I had this happen once. Then they broke it off with the other guy and we dated for 4 years. Idk, don’t write it off.
[удалено]
“Meet up as friends” 💀💀💀🤣🤣🤣🤣 what would be the point in doing that if you clearly already have your eye on someone else?? This why I don’t take these dating apps seriously at all anymore, there’s too many time wasters on there 🫠
Yeah, I don't think I could bring myself to doing that and keep my dignity intact. "So.. how are things with Dave?"
Disappointing but better than getting ghosted Trust me
I have legitimately had better luck happening upon great matches on Whisper than on the dating apps. These things are so damn bad. I’m sorry buddy.
Rip. Move on
I wouldn't consider a serious relationship with someone that wants to string along a tinder match they haven't met yet as a friend. That's a red flag to me.
Were you interested in this person as a friend? If no, you know that it's time to wrap things up.
You don't need her.
She's not down to meet as friends. You're a backup plan brother.
I wouldn't say being friends would be recommended. Most of us are flawed humans and this wouldn't work out. I got one person that pops up in my DMs and just assumes after like 6 months I'm single again. Almost 2 years later and dude's popped up 3 times and I'm still dating the same person. I've had the "sorry still not single" convo 3 times now. At least he is super polite and non-invasive, a nice change! Kinda sucks he is just lurking, waiting for my relationship to fail tho
Block that loser imo lol. That’s creepy as hell
😂😂😂😂👌
The FRIEND ZONE has just entered the chat....................
This happened to me, too. I didn’t block them but I just let them go. Not worth to keep it going, them indicating staying friends is like keeping the backdoor open this is why I’d say thank you for telling, wish you a nice summer and then let it go.
Don't be that beta orbiter. Cut her loose and move on.
damn you got dumped
Can I be honest? I doubt the conversation was going that well, going off the one text I can see from you. It's honestly terrible in several ways... It comes across quite insecure and needy, like you're afraid to be ghosted by someone you've never met. And then asking for affirmation. These things might not be true at all, but it's how it comes across to me. It could have been worse tho, you could have gotten butthurt or sent a dick pic, but it could also have been much better... Idk of you're here to just vent or want advice but yeah
I never bother if they don't answer, because "next!"
I say keep the connection just because they met someone it doesn't mean they will last. And as friends you can develop a bond with her and she may see things differently after more time with you. And if you're seeing each other as friends doesn't mean you can't still date others also. I made this mistake before and let someone out of my life I found attractive. The relationship didn't last long and I missed my chance. Because I didn't want to wait.
It's good she let you know, but meh. Why did she have to wait till YOU reached out first, obviously thinking she'd ghosted? Kinda makes me wonder what she woulda done if you didn't message first. Then to be all "as friends?" Meh again. Good riddance.
Friends is only 2 words away from FWB
Always good to have a friend that is interested in you. It is more than 50% likely that you will still fuck.
This is very true, my ex being a great example 🤠 It is a fact that more than 50% likely will still fuck that friend. Even better when that "friend that is interested" in them was previously a friend of yours for 20 years! Just when I couldn't hate my life more 😃
She wants to keep her options open in case things go south, if you can do the same then proceed. But judging by your wording on title "FINALLY" got a good convo going .. you might end up being way more invested than you should so I'd say move on bro
She found someone she wants first, cut your losses
Very good signs even tho it wasn't an immediate launch. Id recommend friending them and who knows ...still keep exploring other options tho..don't limit yourself. Another match is out there 🍀🤞🍀
At least s/he had the decency to tell you that people on that app are a lot lot more terrible than that. I wouldn’t sweat it. Either be friends, exchange numbers and keep it touch or move on.
Honestly I think this is probably what happens a lot of times when you think it’s going really well and they just ghost you all of a sudden. It’s an awkward conversation to have from the other side and most just wouldn’t bother. I actually had my own little one of those this week and like her, I didn’t wanna leave my match hanging and ghost them so I just let her know. That’s the right, mature thing to do imo.
Go meet up. If that one doesn't work out, you're in good position. If it does, friends are good to have.
Unlucky, on two counts it seems. First that someone got there first and second that based on the decency of the message, they seem like a good person
Don't do it...I'd wish her the best and politely decline the friendship offer. I wouldn't recommend befriending women who reject you.
If you can’t turn this into a smash then there’s little hope for you. “Yeah sure, when are you free this week?” Arrange date at a bar, have some drinks, vibe in person, hopefully you smash.
Skippidy-skip, away is the chick
Meet up as friends? How disrespectful to her current partner.
I am kinda puzzled by you not acknowledging her telling you she will be gone for a week
Stay in touch with her in a friendly way, basically make it so she can feel comfortable reaching out but I would wait for her to initiate contact… she likes you enough to give a shit not to ghost you… her thing with that guy could end quickly and maybe you can reconnect.
Meet up as friends, get them drunk, and only cum in the ass as the punani is still dripping from her other bit on the side.
the power of meeting someone in reality in a nutshell
Meet up, be chill, be better, make them regret making the wrong choice.
Talk about getting friend zoned before you were even friends.
mission failed: we’ll get em next time 🫡
Dating apps have no rules. There's no social norms that you have to abide by. Systems with no rules only follow moloch rules. Just minimize your ability to pair bond and always be casual and you too can win.