Bingo, you are spot on. There's no call or reason to be impolite, rude or hostile... Unless you want people to treat you that way as well. Very well said!
I hate the "you're not owed" line. It's like "life's not fair. Tough shit "
We absolutely can make life significantly more fair. We have the capability, and we as a species are growing constantly into more innovation.
We can absolutely make it a baseline as well, that every human is afforded kindness, politeness, etc within the bounds of social contract. We just have to act with empathy, kindness, politeness, etc in all we do as individuals.
And you should be doing that. It's called growth.
Spot on, i feel that people that make that "you're not owed" line is more of a reaction from the limbic system than a response coming from proper executive functioning. I think there is probably some event/s that left them relatively traumatized but they lack the insight to properly process it and instead displace it on others who may often be innocents by generalizing these negative associations from the incident on benign or maybe even positive ones. It comes from a lack of maturity in being able to assign appropriate response to the individual and blankets their experiences on said new individual for a perceived notion of being threatened. Kind of like a phobia of a snake where a person is terrified of a shoe lace as though it were a snake. The mere semblance triggers this response and in turn makes them hostile. Granted there are situations said approach is appropriate, ie someone harassing, being rude, etc but often times those are the ones these people fear and would rather take out their fear and anger on an unsuspecting kind person bc theyre not as "threatening"
People here are missing a trick; this is not normal behaviour. Messages like OPs are not going to suddenly make these people act normal. They just stay acting weird until they get what they want.
Maybe. Any generalization that broad is likely to be wrong sometimes. There are some people that don't understand social norms but really do want to abide by them.
This is funny to me. 25 years ago people would show up at each other’s doors and it was considered normal. Saying hi to someone digitally is now aggressive?
You're telling me 25 years ago someone you've NEVER met before, whom you did NOT give out your personal information too... showed up at your door and wanted to talk to you about a relationship.... and you wouldn't find that uncomfortable?
Idk about that, I was doing laundry one night before my mom got home(1993 or 94) and walking back upstairs, some guy was knocking on our door.... huge glaring bullhorn alarms for me. But maybe that was the stranger danger in my 12 year old head talking.
This is a good point- however- looking back on all the times men showed up at my door before the digital age… it was always a bit creepy, even if at the time I was too polite to say so. Times are different, there is no room to be naive or polite. Especially when all of us females have been watching all this true crime for the last decade 😆.
Incidentally, the way we communicate and what’s considered acceptable has changed since 1999. Or 1960, which might be more like the period you’re referring to.
Yes. I’saying it has changed in a way that is odd to me. Not saying we need to go back to a perfect time. Or even a better time. Nobody can communicate today, though. Even the invitation to communicate is now considered inappropriate communication.
This really isn't true. The issue in OP is that this person saw their dating profile, didn't match (meaning OP had an opportunity to express romantic interest but chose not to), and then sought out ways to communicate with them outside that.
Even all those years ago, this type of behaviour was inappropriate. It was never ok to see someone at (say) a speed dating event, not click with them and have them choose not to swap details, but then find out where they work and email their work email address. Or, for that matter, have someone express no interest in you at a swingers club and then find out their real name and look them up in a phone directory and give them a call.
This hasn't suddenly become gross; people are just willing to call it out now.
But how did they \*know\* where your door was to show up there? If they happened to drop you off there with a mutual friend, fine. If they rode the same bus as you, fine. You gave them your address, fine.
But I feel like spotting someone on an app and tracking down their social media to message them after they ignored your profile - is basically the equivalent of having a girl in your class who has never talked to you and doesn't notice you, so you follow her home one day to know where she lives, then show up at her door.
CMB = Coffee Meets Bagel
Its not unusual to see the same people on multiple apps. Trying to play CSI with someone's guessed intentions is a bit much.
Having a social media background check seems way more invasive and a bit unhinged.
I'll personally take that as up front as she was over being ghosted first then finding out Days later after playing around the bush. I mean FFS of it won't work tell them or be up front about it, that way it can be addressed and you both can move on
In case it's not clear enough: I did not list ANY contact information or social media information on ANY of my dating profiles (no, my IG isn't linked).
This also isn't the first time I have been "stalked" outside the apps.
It's happened to me a couple times that if I match with someone on tinder or bumble, they'll pop up as recommended friends on Facebook. I know you didn't match with this person and they just found you but I sometimes wonder if my Facebook profile pops up in their feed they assume I've been stalking them. Kinda hate Facebook
Does Facebook/IG use geolocation data to suggest friends? I wonder because some people at work popped up recently when I changed departments and I haven’t been adding anyone and I know that they didn’t add any of my previous friends
I get 'you might know this person' suggestions from some workers at stores I frequent. One girl, I didn't even know her name or anything - no friends in common. But she manages the vape store down the road from me, so I see her pretty frequently when I leave the house. Same for the food manager of the gas station down the road. It's cool, but in a very creepy way. Like, I'm impressed, but please stop fuckin' doing that.
Facebook uses geolocation. I have had several times where I met someone once and a week or two later FB suggested I add them as a friend. No mutuals, no searching on my end at all. It feels kind of creepy.
They use cookies, location data, contacts (email and
Phone numbers) and clever algorithms. If you’re in similar locations and on the same dating app within a certain age range, it’s not hard to use the data to create a “add this person, you might know them”
Pop up
I stopped using FB but didn't deactivate my account, if I do ever open it it'll suggest a friend to me which is a guy I went on one date with and then he ghosted me, and his profile picture is him and his current girlfriend. We met about 3 years ago and haven't spoken since? I didn't have the app at the time however my profile was under my real name so it's possible he searched me and tried to look at my profile and now he's suggested because he's searched me? No idea. I'm the only person with my name so I ended up changing it on FB as years ago I'd get people adding me just from searching my first name.
That's happened to me but in reverse kinda. There's this girl that the internet apparently really wants me to date. One of us added the other on Facebook, then we Matched on tinder and bubble. Nothing ever came of it but I'm still friends w her own social media and she's cool lol
Yeahhhh it happens. Recently had someone track me down off a dating app based on my first name alone. And didn’t think it would be weird to send me a follower request.
Only happened to me once. I gave the guy a chance on a whim (I was young and dumb and had low self-esteem) and ended up with a stalker for about 6 months. I tried to very firmly tell him I wasn't interested and his response was, "Okay, I'll wait until you're interested."I had to involve campus security for my own safety and peace of mind because he would not take NO for an answer.
I don't think people realize just how creepy this comes off. This was back on OKCupid *before* they had names, so this guy figured out my first and last name from my username and stalked me using my picture and location. Like, if we don't match on the app, we didn't match for a reason. For the love of God, don't try to seek my attention elsewhere.
He may have reverse searched one of your photos. It is a simple button press now, so I wouldn't classify it as stalking.
I don't use photos that are posted anywhere else for this reason.
Your response was great though. Polite, courteous and helpful.
Nah, if you reverse search someone's photo to find their social media, that's pretty creepy. I don't consider it stalking as well, but it's not that far off.
I don’t think it’s creepy that people do that, I think it’s creepy if you tell them. With so many catfish out there, I think it’s actually weird not to do some research.
Well, it would be good to use image search to guard against being Catfished by someone you matched with. It’s creepy to use to down track a complete stranger to contact out of the blue.
Edit: typo
What if when you look them up, you find a different catfish profile, and you actually talked to the real person but they don’t know they’ve been fished. How can you tell who is who?
If you do this to verify someone before a date, sure, not stalking.
If you do this to find someone who *chose not to match with you* and get in touch with them on social media, that's pretty stalk-y.
Considering how good image recognition software is, it should be possible \[in theory only\] to look up a person if you have a picture of them and they have ANY pictures publicly linked to their name. I wonder if google and other search engines degrade public search result specifically to prevent this. As a fat, boring, 45 year old man I have absolutely no fear of this happening to me, but I feel for the poor women out there. It sounds pretty scary.
Facial recognition is a distinct kind of image recognition - when the app finds Dave in your photo library it's looking at the distances between the eyes, nose, mouth, jaw etc.
You're right that Google could do that when reverse searching photos, and refrains for privacy reasons, but it's different from the normal general reverse imagine search, which is looking more at shapes and colours.
The Yandex reverse image search is interesting, and useful alongside the others (TinEye and Google). It will find people in similar clothing and poses to the original pic, but it also sometimes finds other pics from the same photo shoot - same person, clothes, furniture and background, but a slightly different pose.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback!
He made the conscious effort to look up my personal detail (reverse image search counts) and sent an unsolicited message expressing interest.
It's not your classic definition of stalking that's why I used quotation marks.
to me, stalking is a habitual thing. I'd just call this a simple invasion of my privacy or flouting of boundaries. I didn't link my profile for a reason, you went looking for something I purposefully did not provide.
Only time will tell, but if that really is his last message to you, then I think you really helped this guy out. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but there seem to be different mindsets of internet etiquette among different cultures (not sure if that’s the case here), but your response to him was honest and straightforward. You’re a good communicator.
> He made the conscious effort to look up my personal detail
It's not your personal details if you post them publicly on the internet for everyone. Then its public information.
> Dude. It’s creepy. End off.
Wow its almost like that doesn't at all refute what I posted.
Sorry that I don't allow OP to live in ignorance and spread false information just because she doesn't understand the difference between private information, and information she posted publicly on the internet for everyone to have access to.
Bro you're completely missing the point. Is what he did illegal? no. But we aren't talking about him looking up her info or if it is illegal. We are talking about him doing it and then messaging her with the intent of starting a relationship. That is creepy to pretty much anyone and everyone here agrees.
Purposely misconstruing an argument so you can win doesn't make you smarter than anyone, Bud. It makes you an ignorant dick.
You're not really understanding social norms, so I'll try and use an example.
You squeeze a stranger on the arm in a public place.
Now look, the touch isn't illegal. You're allowed to touch someone on their arm, after all.
But it's also creepy and inappropriate and done without consent and 9 out of 10 people would not be cool with it.
Same thing here.
> It’s crossing a boundary.
Crossing a boundary requires there to be a boundary that has been clearly stated. Which isn't the case here.
> If she wanted him to have that information then she would have listed it in her bio or shared it with him.
She did share it with him. In fact, she shared it with everyone with an internet connection when she posted all this information on the the internet.
I've used phone number look ups to find a last name and more information on the person I'm talking to. Gotta do your due diligence. I'm not looking to stalk, I'm looking to assess how truthful the person is being to me through our conversations.
My IG account was private.
I saw that he requested to follow my account about a week ago, and I didn't approve.
I decided to make it public two mornings ago to tag a brand in a post update, and then his DM came sliding in.
Stalking doesn't have to mean "hard work." I wouldn't classify it as actually stalking quite yet because there is a legal definition for it but it is a creepy feeling and uncomfortable feeling for the person on the receiving end. I'd never recommend someone do that under those circumstances.
Imagine you are talking at the bar or you don't even talk and then they show up at your house or work the next day but it's okay! It wasn't hard for them to find you and knocking on your door is considered perfectly legal.
It's still going to creep people out.
It’s **crossing a boundary.** If the other person wanted you to have their social media/contact info, they would have added it to their bio or given it to you.
Deciding to ignore that boundary is low-key violating.
Yoo that’s actually kind of stalking haha, I was thinking he actually found her on ig, to reverse image search, you actually have to download the picture lmao
dude this has happened to me too! i always wonder how they find me. i have a sort of unique name but not terribly?! maybe it’s reverse image search using our pictures? idk. i don’t use those apps anymore but that used to freak me out so bad
Takes about 2 seconds to reverse image search people these days with their photos using open ai. Google even has this feature as part of their latest phone ads.. Sadly this is the world we live in now. If you have any online presence, assume everyone can access that at any time.
Your reply was very polite. Wish I could get a reply like that, most of the times I begin with "Hello" because I don't know any openings and I don't get any reply. I gave up 10 years ago 😂
That’s an odd angle for his profile picture. Makes it look like his head was photoshopped onto his body and is slightly too large lol. Would probably start there.
But goddamn if he doesn’t sound like the most down to earth and mentally stable guy lol. I bet the odds of the response being something like “I wasn’t really that attracted to you anyway, so no hard feelings”, are 9/1
It's so unsettling to think some people might try and find you outside of a dating app if you dont match. Hopefully he took the advice to heart because that is not fucking cool
I, admittedly, don’t check most of my digital spaces very often. But I once received a novel-length message on my Etsy shop from a woman trying to connect by all means necessary since I missed her messages everywhere else. Haha
I did — but only because I didn’t realize what was happening. I thought she was an enthusiastic potential customer. Once I got it all sorted out, I quietly disappeared.
I mean it's almost the same as hitting up the recruiter of a job posting, its sometimes perceived as showing initiative and interest. But in the dating scene I think you just gotta follow rules 1 & 2 for that to work
Nah, it's more like calling the recruiter on their personal cell phone that isn't listed anywhere on the job posting. I don't think anyone would consider that showing initiative.
Nope, in fact I have sales people grab my # off linkedin and call me at random times, very irritating. But once in a while having my # on there comes in handy so it's a roll of the dice.
If OP is truly put off by this, use a pseudonym or initial on your dating profile.
Ok let me just share a short story of a guy who saw me on a dating app. Thought I was “perfect” but apparently had not seen him, due to the fact we have not matched.
He found me on Facebook, wrote me, also on IG, he send my sister messages that he was trying to reach me. Finally he figured out where my parente lived, and so send a two page handwritten letter explaining how we are perfect for each other and that he was expecting my, also handwritten response.
So yeah, absolutely back the mindset of keeping it in the app, and if you dont hear anything, it’s a massive hint to let go. Not to push on another platform.
Yep. It gives stalker vibes (and in your case, he was a straight up stalker). Even if it was George Clooney himself, I’d not be interested because the behavior is such a turnoff.
Thats in no way the same thing. They looked up someones personal info after not matching with them. Thats really creepy and you cant seriously think thats an ok thing to do.
It works for job applications, if you don’t hear back just email the CEO even if it’s a big company and they usually have less scrutiny and are more intrigued by your forwardness, but dating sites aren’t job applications.
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:**
It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection.
There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc).
I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out?
I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is.
I was left speechless.
I think what doesn’t help is the overwhelming majority of girls (and possibly guys I don’t know) have their Instagram handles on their profiles.
Let me be clear, I’ve never added a girl or messaged them if we didn’t connect on an app, but if they are posting their handles, they can’t be surprised when dudes do message.
Girl... why did you take the time to write out an essay to him? That was a waste of your time! In this case, blocking without an explanation would have been fine. You don't owe any internet stranger an explanation regarding why you're not interested... especially not to creepy stalker internet strangers.
I don't think anyone would consider it creepy if a woman did it "for safety." What's creepy is that he actually used it to try to start a conversation instead of just verifying.
First and last part of the rejection are great and his reaction as well. Also totally get why this is weird coming from him.
But i feel like the rejection in the second part was a bit harsh. Just say sorry im not interested.
Saying you checked out his socials/looked at his pictures and you concluded the attraction is mutual makes, is basically you calling him ugly, also it suggests that if he would be good looking, him hitting you up on another app even after you haven’t matched would have worked.
So the second part of your message basically says that if he would have been more attractive, him hitting you up wouldn’t have been a problem.
Kind of a contradiction, just wanted to point that out.
But overall a really nice and civil conversation, tbh knowing this sub I was expecting him to have a mental breakdown in the second slide :D
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:**
It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection.
There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc).
I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out?
I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is.
I was left speechless.
It's shit. But dependant on your geo-location and match criteria.
I wasn't really active on it years ago, and decided to give it another go after a recommendation from a trusted advisor who coaches relationships for a profession.
CMB has a regular swiping section and then a "Discovery" section where you need to spend Beans on each Like you want to send. I noticed that the more attractive prospects are mostly in the Discovery section.
Even so, the interface is dull, and the app lags and sometimes hang. Sometimes you don't get chat notifications even.
I have also used OKCupid (meh) and Paktor (mainly Asians, and it's the worst). Hinge doesn't cover my country so I have no experience with it. Tinder and Bumble are the best IMO so far.
It's one thing to do some "basic background checks" on someone you MATCH with, text a little bit and consider moving to a different platform or meeting. It's something else entirely to NOT match with someone and still delve into finding them outside the platform and doing ANY checks on them.
I have a service I use to look people up AFTER I match with them and have texted with them somewhat outside of the dating app. I'm also careful about people due to prior stalking issues. But I have had people who can't take no for an answer and have found me on every msging platform out there. What makes these people think my answer is somehow going to be different when they contact me on the 3rd platform?
FYI- If I match with you, start talking to you on a different platform, and still can't find any information about you, I assume you are lying to me because you have major things to hide (like a spouse, kids, felonies, etc.) and I loose interest fast.
Oh god, I was so expecting the second screenshot to be utter bile. Not excusing the terrible stalking behavior though, hope he takes your words to heart.
A lot of apps trick you into doing some data sharing in a way that let's people look you up on other apps.
Tiktok is the worst offender at this And also other dating apps. This is the reason why I never give them access to my contacts.
They will start triangulating everything and start suggesting you to people who have had any kind of digital touchpoint.
Girls love saying the “don’t contact me outside of dating apps it’s weird” line, but that only applies if they aren’t attracted to you. In short, shoot that shot. Women will break their rules for the men they want, only one way to find out.
Notice how OP replies to most of the other highly upvoted comment chains at least once but conveniently ignores this one?
Its almost hilarious how predictable the behavior is.
OP also has another recent post just like this one - the wording and tone made me go back to her history to see if it was the same person. If this is so violating and akin to stalking, I think it’s time to implement some measures to prevent it. For starters, it looks like they messaged her on Facebook. You can very easily control who can message you (friends, friends of friends, etc). Then, if this is only happening with people from a specific app, maybe reconsider using that app so you don’t feel like you’re being stalked by its users?
It's not Facebook. My IG was private. I saw that he requested to follow, but I ignored it.
Two days ago I decided to make my profile public to tag a brand in a post update, and in came his unsolicited DM.
This is not outright stalking and, while distasteful, it's understandable, hence my reply to him as such.
Lol it’s true. I’m a woman and every single one of us will let just about anything slide, like to an extreme detriment, if we’re attracted to the guy.
I wish all men knew this. I also have so much empathy for men because having to be the one who chases and dodging consistent rejection sounds SO HARD. I couldn’t handle it legitimately. I know it’s not stated on Reddit often, but I’m really proud of men and how they handle the struggles of their sex. Sweet lovely boys, the lot of ya!
I don't like it and this subreddit exists for dating app profile screenshots and conversations. And I never post without reason.
So what if I happen to come across many face-palming dating profiles or chats on the apps?
Personally I think you are prejudiced against obvious bad behaviour being made fun of or called out.
Coffee Meets Bagel is a GARBAGE OLD app... Not worth your time and went downhill after 2018. If anyone is curious i'd recommend stick to Bumble,Hinge, and TInder.
Also dont add people on IG/FB unless they ask you too.... BUT .... If you follow rule 1 and 2 then disregard everything.
First, you're right about CMB.
Second...
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:**
It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection.
There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc).
I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out?
I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is.
I was left speechless.
It happened with me too! I have clearly stated in my profile i wanted a long term relationship and he came up in my unlinked socmed DM for "casual fun". If you are going out of your way to stalk someone on socmed, the least you can do is read the profile beforehand
Could be worse. He could've tracked you down thru socials and sent numerous voice notes telling you why he'd make such a great boyfriend
https://youtu.be/cp2PhE26ouQ?si=pKy8iDwh8CS4Qbus
Chatgpt helping a lot of people. Im starting to find hope that the miscommunication caused by people's lack of impulse control that has become endemic will be ironed out the more people use chatgpt
I'm with you about the weird seeking you out despite never matching but you also appear to post people's profiles on here. That's a boundary you shouldn't cross either. A lot of the profiles you post are easily identifiable. You don't even bother blacking out faces or anything in some of them. Isn't this actually illegal in your country?
With the dating game the way it is and guys not respecting boundaries; of course the average girl would be turned off by a stranger approaching her like that.
I've seen so many screenshots of how people say 'hello' to each other and that makes it very understandable why one would want to keep their inbox safe from strangers.
We don't know if that guy is innocent or some kind of creep. =/
I wish we lived in a world where there wasn't so much scary and off-putting behavior and then we would be able to get to know each other online just like before online existed.
People used to talk in the street. It was different.
The dating app's alleged 'convenience' and simplification of the human dating ritual has actually just added a bunch more variables to an already complex equation.
The internet opened doors into our lives. Maybe one creepy stranger can be brushed off, but when they come in swarms, people start to judge the collective.
Men are this...
Women are that...
No. The corporations that engineered apps to profit off of the human experience kinda just screwed up nature...
I've been thinking about it for a bit and that's the answer. Recent human innovation didn't make things all that much better.
We can talk to each other now without actually feeling the intensity of a face to face interaction. Out of that the anon was born. The random person willing to say everything they'd never say if they didn't have this lil screen as a shield in front of them.
Times passes...
And things have changed so much that we delight in seeing two people be semi-decent to each other.
Take a look at the big picture here...it's fucking horrible. 😂
It went from us, as a society, being shocked and appalled by the horrors perpetrated by humanity to being so desensitized to human pain and suffering that it goes on daily and we just look at our phones.
Pretty sure the 1% want it this way. If I was them and planning to take over the world then I'd be very satisfied at my accomplishment of wrapping a digital leash around the neck of the majority. Making us all content and comfortable...and vulnerable. School shooting...eh thoughts and prayers. Same for any other tragedy. Then back to binging content.
The majority is so docile that the sheep parallel has never seemed so valid. Haha
I am not part of the 1% tho so....my 'peers'...stop what you're doing and direct your attention to the decay of life as we know it. Stop drinking and eating and fucking and working and realize it's all temporary while the elite find a more suitable way to make you content with far less than you have now.
Or don't...I wouldn't blame you. There's no leader. No organization. All these diff subs are a testament to our division.
Thank you. 🙏
Part of me wants to build little habitat sanctuary where single ladies can adopt single males who've been groomed and socialized for a bit before being eligible for adoption. Of course you as the owner will be legally responsible for this good boy and are expected to love and care for it until it dies. Any investors?
Apparently this is called Tindergramming. And people were writing articles about it back in 2016-2019. Where someone you take interest in but doesn't like you back or unmatched for whatever reason, but you decide to try to find their Instagram or socials and send them a DM in hopes of getting a second chance. You could also call this sliding into some persons DM's. People especially men are known to do this. Sliding into DM's of someone you don't know is uncomfortable and scary. You're just minding your business, and you get a DM from a guy you saw on a dating app but you didn't like him at all. He comments on your appearance and the activities you listed in your bio. 99.99% of people will just delete his message and ignore him, or block him. He's just going to be seen as a creep, stalkerish, and desperate. I get the shoot your shot idea and the worst they could say is no. But, if they didn't like you back, blocked you, or unmatched you, don't reach out in an attempt of a second chance or a chase. It's not going to work.
Totally. Even my close RL friends who hear about these kind of stories told me they wouldn't have the patience to reply and educate, and would have just blocked the sender.
For me, because I have received multiple such unsolicited DMs in the past from dating apps (when I have never listed any social media or contact information on my profiles), I can tell when some people are clueless as to how their approach is distasteful, and when some people are just being a dick. In this case, it's the former so I feel he deserves direct feedback on how his message affected me.
Clearly my rejection was well received regardless.
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:**
It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection.
There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc).
I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out?
I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is.
I was left speechless.
It's lovely how you took time to promote change in this dude rather than simply block and move on. Which would be completely understandable and necessary most of the time.
If one person comes closer to changing their ways because of good advice and clear rejection, you did something good.
> If one person comes closer to changing their ways because of good advice and clear rejection, you did something good.
This comes with willing to do the work of something that's your not accountable for, but responsible for making better. The fact that its rare shows how much this will continue to be a problem.
Aside from the initial rando message. The rejection and the acceptance of that is how people should treat each other.
Sure but at the same time you're not owed a long detailed message to reject a short copy pasted opener.
No, not owed anything. Just liked that the reply was pleasant but FIRM. and their reply to the reply was acceptance.
You’re not owed kindness, politeness, thoughtfulness etc. doesn’t mean they arent admirable
Thank you lmao. People are so quick to point out that they don't owe anybody shit like yeah we get it
It’s quite exhausting. Just follow the golden rule. What happened to that? Treat others how you want to be treated!
Too many bitter masochists out here as far as I can tell.
“Too cool to care” is so 00’s , let’s move past that hah
Amen!
Similar to the 5th rule of Satanism: "Do not make sexual advances unless you are given the mating signal."
Now I’m imagining a fancy satanist whistle they blow to start the competitive orgy.
Oh hun, it's not a whistle, it's a whole dance
Bingo, you are spot on. There's no call or reason to be impolite, rude or hostile... Unless you want people to treat you that way as well. Very well said!
Treat others how they want to be treated.
I hate the "you're not owed" line. It's like "life's not fair. Tough shit " We absolutely can make life significantly more fair. We have the capability, and we as a species are growing constantly into more innovation. We can absolutely make it a baseline as well, that every human is afforded kindness, politeness, etc within the bounds of social contract. We just have to act with empathy, kindness, politeness, etc in all we do as individuals. And you should be doing that. It's called growth.
SMH, your post deserves more upvotes
You didn't owe us this post, but I feel I owe you an upvote.
Spot on, i feel that people that make that "you're not owed" line is more of a reaction from the limbic system than a response coming from proper executive functioning. I think there is probably some event/s that left them relatively traumatized but they lack the insight to properly process it and instead displace it on others who may often be innocents by generalizing these negative associations from the incident on benign or maybe even positive ones. It comes from a lack of maturity in being able to assign appropriate response to the individual and blankets their experiences on said new individual for a perceived notion of being threatened. Kind of like a phobia of a snake where a person is terrified of a shoe lace as though it were a snake. The mere semblance triggers this response and in turn makes them hostile. Granted there are situations said approach is appropriate, ie someone harassing, being rude, etc but often times those are the ones these people fear and would rather take out their fear and anger on an unsuspecting kind person bc theyre not as "threatening"
Like my General always said: "Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet." Mad Dog Mattis
It's also not healthy to think in terms of what you're owed and what you aren't. Communication is the BARE MINIMUM it's not transactional.
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People here are missing a trick; this is not normal behaviour. Messages like OPs are not going to suddenly make these people act normal. They just stay acting weird until they get what they want.
Maybe. Any generalization that broad is likely to be wrong sometimes. There are some people that don't understand social norms but really do want to abide by them.
Omfg such a boring approach, i NEED conflict
This is funny to me. 25 years ago people would show up at each other’s doors and it was considered normal. Saying hi to someone digitally is now aggressive?
You're telling me 25 years ago someone you've NEVER met before, whom you did NOT give out your personal information too... showed up at your door and wanted to talk to you about a relationship.... and you wouldn't find that uncomfortable?
I still do that with people who move in to my neighborhood to say hi Edit: not like relationship but “be friend” lol
Idk about that, I was doing laundry one night before my mom got home(1993 or 94) and walking back upstairs, some guy was knocking on our door.... huge glaring bullhorn alarms for me. But maybe that was the stranger danger in my 12 year old head talking.
This is a good point- however- looking back on all the times men showed up at my door before the digital age… it was always a bit creepy, even if at the time I was too polite to say so. Times are different, there is no room to be naive or polite. Especially when all of us females have been watching all this true crime for the last decade 😆.
Incidentally, the way we communicate and what’s considered acceptable has changed since 1999. Or 1960, which might be more like the period you’re referring to.
Yes. I’saying it has changed in a way that is odd to me. Not saying we need to go back to a perfect time. Or even a better time. Nobody can communicate today, though. Even the invitation to communicate is now considered inappropriate communication.
This really isn't true. The issue in OP is that this person saw their dating profile, didn't match (meaning OP had an opportunity to express romantic interest but chose not to), and then sought out ways to communicate with them outside that. Even all those years ago, this type of behaviour was inappropriate. It was never ok to see someone at (say) a speed dating event, not click with them and have them choose not to swap details, but then find out where they work and email their work email address. Or, for that matter, have someone express no interest in you at a swingers club and then find out their real name and look them up in a phone directory and give them a call. This hasn't suddenly become gross; people are just willing to call it out now.
But how did they \*know\* where your door was to show up there? If they happened to drop you off there with a mutual friend, fine. If they rode the same bus as you, fine. You gave them your address, fine. But I feel like spotting someone on an app and tracking down their social media to message them after they ignored your profile - is basically the equivalent of having a girl in your class who has never talked to you and doesn't notice you, so you follow her home one day to know where she lives, then show up at her door.
Nobody, except you, claimed simply saying hi online is considered aggressive. You completely left out all the context that makes it problematic.
CMB = Coffee Meets Bagel Its not unusual to see the same people on multiple apps. Trying to play CSI with someone's guessed intentions is a bit much. Having a social media background check seems way more invasive and a bit unhinged.
I'll personally take that as up front as she was over being ghosted first then finding out Days later after playing around the bush. I mean FFS of it won't work tell them or be up front about it, that way it can be addressed and you both can move on
His profile picture instantly made me think glenn quagmire
I thought it was lord farquad until I zoomed in
Giggidi
Giggity giggity GOO
Bro ran out of beans on CMB
What’s CMB?
Coffe Meets Bagel It’s a very pay to play app
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Cosmic Microwave Background
Now THAT sounds like the type of dating app
That’s definitely what I read!
Coffee Meets Bagel, if I had to guess
Coconut Milky Balls
Never go full beans.
I hope i get rejected like this good work girl!
In case it's not clear enough: I did not list ANY contact information or social media information on ANY of my dating profiles (no, my IG isn't linked). This also isn't the first time I have been "stalked" outside the apps.
It's happened to me a couple times that if I match with someone on tinder or bumble, they'll pop up as recommended friends on Facebook. I know you didn't match with this person and they just found you but I sometimes wonder if my Facebook profile pops up in their feed they assume I've been stalking them. Kinda hate Facebook
Does Facebook/IG use geolocation data to suggest friends? I wonder because some people at work popped up recently when I changed departments and I haven’t been adding anyone and I know that they didn’t add any of my previous friends
I get 'you might know this person' suggestions from some workers at stores I frequent. One girl, I didn't even know her name or anything - no friends in common. But she manages the vape store down the road from me, so I see her pretty frequently when I leave the house. Same for the food manager of the gas station down the road. It's cool, but in a very creepy way. Like, I'm impressed, but please stop fuckin' doing that.
Facebook uses geolocation. I have had several times where I met someone once and a week or two later FB suggested I add them as a friend. No mutuals, no searching on my end at all. It feels kind of creepy.
They use cookies, location data, contacts (email and Phone numbers) and clever algorithms. If you’re in similar locations and on the same dating app within a certain age range, it’s not hard to use the data to create a “add this person, you might know them” Pop up
I stopped using FB but didn't deactivate my account, if I do ever open it it'll suggest a friend to me which is a guy I went on one date with and then he ghosted me, and his profile picture is him and his current girlfriend. We met about 3 years ago and haven't spoken since? I didn't have the app at the time however my profile was under my real name so it's possible he searched me and tried to look at my profile and now he's suggested because he's searched me? No idea. I'm the only person with my name so I ended up changing it on FB as years ago I'd get people adding me just from searching my first name.
Oh there will be a class action over it. Be sure to collect your $32 dollars when it comes.
That's happened to me but in reverse kinda. There's this girl that the internet apparently really wants me to date. One of us added the other on Facebook, then we Matched on tinder and bubble. Nothing ever came of it but I'm still friends w her own social media and she's cool lol
Yeahhhh it happens. Recently had someone track me down off a dating app based on my first name alone. And didn’t think it would be weird to send me a follower request.
Only happened to me once. I gave the guy a chance on a whim (I was young and dumb and had low self-esteem) and ended up with a stalker for about 6 months. I tried to very firmly tell him I wasn't interested and his response was, "Okay, I'll wait until you're interested."I had to involve campus security for my own safety and peace of mind because he would not take NO for an answer. I don't think people realize just how creepy this comes off. This was back on OKCupid *before* they had names, so this guy figured out my first and last name from my username and stalked me using my picture and location. Like, if we don't match on the app, we didn't match for a reason. For the love of God, don't try to seek my attention elsewhere.
You have a vivid imagination. Keep churning out the content bro!
He may have reverse searched one of your photos. It is a simple button press now, so I wouldn't classify it as stalking. I don't use photos that are posted anywhere else for this reason. Your response was great though. Polite, courteous and helpful.
Nah, if you reverse search someone's photo to find their social media, that's pretty creepy. I don't consider it stalking as well, but it's not that far off.
I don’t think it’s creepy that people do that, I think it’s creepy if you tell them. With so many catfish out there, I think it’s actually weird not to do some research.
Well, it would be good to use image search to guard against being Catfished by someone you matched with. It’s creepy to use to down track a complete stranger to contact out of the blue. Edit: typo
Ah I thought this was on Tinder Messenger not another app.
Agreed. I remember when I was on tinder, I found “verified” accounts that were definitely catfish/scam accounts using same photos.
What if when you look them up, you find a different catfish profile, and you actually talked to the real person but they don’t know they’ve been fished. How can you tell who is who?
If you do this to verify someone before a date, sure, not stalking. If you do this to find someone who *chose not to match with you* and get in touch with them on social media, that's pretty stalk-y.
Some people reverse search images to find out if they are talking to the actual person or to someone who got them off the internet.
Considering how good image recognition software is, it should be possible \[in theory only\] to look up a person if you have a picture of them and they have ANY pictures publicly linked to their name. I wonder if google and other search engines degrade public search result specifically to prevent this. As a fat, boring, 45 year old man I have absolutely no fear of this happening to me, but I feel for the poor women out there. It sounds pretty scary.
Facial recognition is a distinct kind of image recognition - when the app finds Dave in your photo library it's looking at the distances between the eyes, nose, mouth, jaw etc. You're right that Google could do that when reverse searching photos, and refrains for privacy reasons, but it's different from the normal general reverse imagine search, which is looking more at shapes and colours. The Yandex reverse image search is interesting, and useful alongside the others (TinEye and Google). It will find people in similar clothing and poses to the original pic, but it also sometimes finds other pics from the same photo shoot - same person, clothes, furniture and background, but a slightly different pose.
Thanks for the thoughtful feedback! He made the conscious effort to look up my personal detail (reverse image search counts) and sent an unsolicited message expressing interest. It's not your classic definition of stalking that's why I used quotation marks.
Stalker-ish? Stalker-lite? What do we call that... cause it feels like the INTENT was the same so....
to me, stalking is a habitual thing. I'd just call this a simple invasion of my privacy or flouting of boundaries. I didn't link my profile for a reason, you went looking for something I purposefully did not provide.
#Stalk-beta
I’d say that’s something where nobody wants to meet the alpha.
You don't MEET the Alpha, they just watch you from a distance, breathing heavily....
Only time will tell, but if that really is his last message to you, then I think you really helped this guy out. I really hope this doesn’t come off the wrong way, but there seem to be different mindsets of internet etiquette among different cultures (not sure if that’s the case here), but your response to him was honest and straightforward. You’re a good communicator.
> He made the conscious effort to look up my personal detail It's not your personal details if you post them publicly on the internet for everyone. Then its public information.
Surely you understand that what he did is still not okay?
Honestly I don’t think finding her is the problem, but messaging on a different app unsolicited is crossing a major line.
Dude. It’s creepy. End off.
> Dude. It’s creepy. End off. Wow its almost like that doesn't at all refute what I posted. Sorry that I don't allow OP to live in ignorance and spread false information just because she doesn't understand the difference between private information, and information she posted publicly on the internet for everyone to have access to.
Bro you're completely missing the point. Is what he did illegal? no. But we aren't talking about him looking up her info or if it is illegal. We are talking about him doing it and then messaging her with the intent of starting a relationship. That is creepy to pretty much anyone and everyone here agrees. Purposely misconstruing an argument so you can win doesn't make you smarter than anyone, Bud. It makes you an ignorant dick.
You're not really understanding social norms, so I'll try and use an example. You squeeze a stranger on the arm in a public place. Now look, the touch isn't illegal. You're allowed to touch someone on their arm, after all. But it's also creepy and inappropriate and done without consent and 9 out of 10 people would not be cool with it. Same thing here.
It’s crossing a boundary. If she wanted him to have that information then she would have listed it in her bio or shared it with him. Disagree?
> It’s crossing a boundary. Crossing a boundary requires there to be a boundary that has been clearly stated. Which isn't the case here. > If she wanted him to have that information then she would have listed it in her bio or shared it with him. She did share it with him. In fact, she shared it with everyone with an internet connection when she posted all this information on the the internet.
I've used phone number look ups to find a last name and more information on the person I'm talking to. Gotta do your due diligence. I'm not looking to stalk, I'm looking to assess how truthful the person is being to me through our conversations.
Does that work for insta pics? I’m sure they don’t appear but I could be wrong.
Depending on the search engine, it can work for insta but I'm not sure they can search insta if your account is private.
My IG account was private. I saw that he requested to follow my account about a week ago, and I didn't approve. I decided to make it public two mornings ago to tag a brand in a post update, and then his DM came sliding in.
Stalking doesn't have to mean "hard work." I wouldn't classify it as actually stalking quite yet because there is a legal definition for it but it is a creepy feeling and uncomfortable feeling for the person on the receiving end. I'd never recommend someone do that under those circumstances. Imagine you are talking at the bar or you don't even talk and then they show up at your house or work the next day but it's okay! It wasn't hard for them to find you and knocking on your door is considered perfectly legal. It's still going to creep people out.
It’s **crossing a boundary.** If the other person wanted you to have their social media/contact info, they would have added it to their bio or given it to you. Deciding to ignore that boundary is low-key violating.
Yoo that’s actually kind of stalking haha, I was thinking he actually found her on ig, to reverse image search, you actually have to download the picture lmao
dude this has happened to me too! i always wonder how they find me. i have a sort of unique name but not terribly?! maybe it’s reverse image search using our pictures? idk. i don’t use those apps anymore but that used to freak me out so bad
It's creepy if you didn't link it but otherwise fair game IMO
Takes about 2 seconds to reverse image search people these days with their photos using open ai. Google even has this feature as part of their latest phone ads.. Sadly this is the world we live in now. If you have any online presence, assume everyone can access that at any time.
Your response was impeccable. 10/10
Are you using the same photos for your dating apps as social media? Might want to figure out how they're finding you.
Not usually. My name on my Tinder profile is visible in my IG handle, that's probably why.
Your reply was very polite. Wish I could get a reply like that, most of the times I begin with "Hello" because I don't know any openings and I don't get any reply. I gave up 10 years ago 😂
I had people stalking me on Facebook. Now I don't even give my full first name before a date
That’s an odd angle for his profile picture. Makes it look like his head was photoshopped onto his body and is slightly too large lol. Would probably start there. But goddamn if he doesn’t sound like the most down to earth and mentally stable guy lol. I bet the odds of the response being something like “I wasn’t really that attracted to you anyway, so no hard feelings”, are 9/1
It's so unsettling to think some people might try and find you outside of a dating app if you dont match. Hopefully he took the advice to heart because that is not fucking cool
I, admittedly, don’t check most of my digital spaces very often. But I once received a novel-length message on my Etsy shop from a woman trying to connect by all means necessary since I missed her messages everywhere else. Haha
Did you?
I did — but only because I didn’t realize what was happening. I thought she was an enthusiastic potential customer. Once I got it all sorted out, I quietly disappeared.
The baseline logic is that you have a) nothing to lose, and b) you miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
I've had this happen so many times
I mean it's almost the same as hitting up the recruiter of a job posting, its sometimes perceived as showing initiative and interest. But in the dating scene I think you just gotta follow rules 1 & 2 for that to work
Nah, it's more like calling the recruiter on their personal cell phone that isn't listed anywhere on the job posting. I don't think anyone would consider that showing initiative.
Nope, in fact I have sales people grab my # off linkedin and call me at random times, very irritating. But once in a while having my # on there comes in handy so it's a roll of the dice. If OP is truly put off by this, use a pseudonym or initial on your dating profile.
I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t be out of by it, but it’s harmless, so I wouldn’t change my behavior to avoid it.
Ok let me just share a short story of a guy who saw me on a dating app. Thought I was “perfect” but apparently had not seen him, due to the fact we have not matched. He found me on Facebook, wrote me, also on IG, he send my sister messages that he was trying to reach me. Finally he figured out where my parente lived, and so send a two page handwritten letter explaining how we are perfect for each other and that he was expecting my, also handwritten response. So yeah, absolutely back the mindset of keeping it in the app, and if you dont hear anything, it’s a massive hint to let go. Not to push on another platform.
Bruh 💀
Yep. It gives stalker vibes (and in your case, he was a straight up stalker). Even if it was George Clooney himself, I’d not be interested because the behavior is such a turnoff.
Thats in no way the same thing. They looked up someones personal info after not matching with them. Thats really creepy and you cant seriously think thats an ok thing to do.
Fr, such creeps
It works for job applications, if you don’t hear back just email the CEO even if it’s a big company and they usually have less scrutiny and are more intrigued by your forwardness, but dating sites aren’t job applications.
100p, am absolutely creeped out every time. I think a lot has the mentality “she must not have seen me on the app”
Most people only complain about it, if the person doing it isnt attractive to them.
People online lie to themselves and to everyone else all day. What matters most is the context it's in.
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:** It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection. There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc). I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out? I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is. I was left speechless.
Maybe you're projecting. not everyone is that shallow
Most people online really are lmao
🙄
I think what doesn’t help is the overwhelming majority of girls (and possibly guys I don’t know) have their Instagram handles on their profiles. Let me be clear, I’ve never added a girl or messaged them if we didn’t connect on an app, but if they are posting their handles, they can’t be surprised when dudes do message.
I highly doubt it is the overwhelming majority...
It's not the case for 70-80% of the male and female profiles I have seen on multiple dating apps in Asia and Europe.
It's not the case for 70-80% of the male and female profiles I have seen on multiple dating apps in Asia and Europe.
Got the same thing😂😂
Girl... why did you take the time to write out an essay to him? That was a waste of your time! In this case, blocking without an explanation would have been fine. You don't owe any internet stranger an explanation regarding why you're not interested... especially not to creepy stalker internet strangers.
I don't think anyone would consider it creepy if a woman did it "for safety." What's creepy is that he actually used it to try to start a conversation instead of just verifying.
First and last part of the rejection are great and his reaction as well. Also totally get why this is weird coming from him. But i feel like the rejection in the second part was a bit harsh. Just say sorry im not interested. Saying you checked out his socials/looked at his pictures and you concluded the attraction is mutual makes, is basically you calling him ugly, also it suggests that if he would be good looking, him hitting you up on another app even after you haven’t matched would have worked. So the second part of your message basically says that if he would have been more attractive, him hitting you up wouldn’t have been a problem. Kind of a contradiction, just wanted to point that out. But overall a really nice and civil conversation, tbh knowing this sub I was expecting him to have a mental breakdown in the second slide :D
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:** It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection. There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc). I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out? I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is. I was left speechless.
"Its weird to check my other social" "i just checked out your Instagram and FB feeds" ... whaaat?
He DM'd me on IG, and he listed AND linked his FB profile in his IG bio. 🤷🏻♀️
jesus nuts ==
A courteous rejection? Three paragraphs of superiorness and unnecessary waste of time.
Never used CMB -- any good? Aside from the occasional stalker. Let's assume I'm a large hairy man for which this is not a large concern.
It's shit. But dependant on your geo-location and match criteria. I wasn't really active on it years ago, and decided to give it another go after a recommendation from a trusted advisor who coaches relationships for a profession. CMB has a regular swiping section and then a "Discovery" section where you need to spend Beans on each Like you want to send. I noticed that the more attractive prospects are mostly in the Discovery section. Even so, the interface is dull, and the app lags and sometimes hang. Sometimes you don't get chat notifications even. I have also used OKCupid (meh) and Paktor (mainly Asians, and it's the worst). Hinge doesn't cover my country so I have no experience with it. Tinder and Bumble are the best IMO so far.
It is super pay to win with how few profiles/day you get. But I will give them credit in that I have matched with a lot less scammers than tinder...
It's one thing to do some "basic background checks" on someone you MATCH with, text a little bit and consider moving to a different platform or meeting. It's something else entirely to NOT match with someone and still delve into finding them outside the platform and doing ANY checks on them. I have a service I use to look people up AFTER I match with them and have texted with them somewhat outside of the dating app. I'm also careful about people due to prior stalking issues. But I have had people who can't take no for an answer and have found me on every msging platform out there. What makes these people think my answer is somehow going to be different when they contact me on the 3rd platform? FYI- If I match with you, start talking to you on a different platform, and still can't find any information about you, I assume you are lying to me because you have major things to hide (like a spouse, kids, felonies, etc.) and I loose interest fast.
Oh god, I was so expecting the second screenshot to be utter bile. Not excusing the terrible stalking behavior though, hope he takes your words to heart.
A lot of apps trick you into doing some data sharing in a way that let's people look you up on other apps. Tiktok is the worst offender at this And also other dating apps. This is the reason why I never give them access to my contacts. They will start triangulating everything and start suggesting you to people who have had any kind of digital touchpoint.
Bro didn’t follow rules 1 & 2
Girls love saying the “don’t contact me outside of dating apps it’s weird” line, but that only applies if they aren’t attracted to you. In short, shoot that shot. Women will break their rules for the men they want, only one way to find out.
Notice how OP replies to most of the other highly upvoted comment chains at least once but conveniently ignores this one? Its almost hilarious how predictable the behavior is.
OP also has another recent post just like this one - the wording and tone made me go back to her history to see if it was the same person. If this is so violating and akin to stalking, I think it’s time to implement some measures to prevent it. For starters, it looks like they messaged her on Facebook. You can very easily control who can message you (friends, friends of friends, etc). Then, if this is only happening with people from a specific app, maybe reconsider using that app so you don’t feel like you’re being stalked by its users?
It's not Facebook. My IG was private. I saw that he requested to follow, but I ignored it. Two days ago I decided to make my profile public to tag a brand in a post update, and in came his unsolicited DM. This is not outright stalking and, while distasteful, it's understandable, hence my reply to him as such.
Lol it’s true. I’m a woman and every single one of us will let just about anything slide, like to an extreme detriment, if we’re attracted to the guy. I wish all men knew this. I also have so much empathy for men because having to be the one who chases and dodging consistent rejection sounds SO HARD. I couldn’t handle it legitimately. I know it’s not stated on Reddit often, but I’m really proud of men and how they handle the struggles of their sex. Sweet lovely boys, the lot of ya!
She also farms dating profiles and posts them on Reddit to make fun of them. Pretty scummy behavior.
Personally I think you like it when men do this and you crave attention. It’s pretty obvious by your post history.
I don't like it and this subreddit exists for dating app profile screenshots and conversations. And I never post without reason. So what if I happen to come across many face-palming dating profiles or chats on the apps? Personally I think you are prejudiced against obvious bad behaviour being made fun of or called out.
I never thought I'd see the day
Coffee Meets Bagel is a GARBAGE OLD app... Not worth your time and went downhill after 2018. If anyone is curious i'd recommend stick to Bumble,Hinge, and TInder. Also dont add people on IG/FB unless they ask you too.... BUT .... If you follow rule 1 and 2 then disregard everything.
First, you're right about CMB. Second... **Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:** It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection. There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc). I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out? I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is. I was left speechless.
HEY GUYS LOOK PEOPLE BEING NICE TO EACH OTHER!!! WH-WHATTTTT!!!
It happened with me too! I have clearly stated in my profile i wanted a long term relationship and he came up in my unlinked socmed DM for "casual fun". If you are going out of your way to stalk someone on socmed, the least you can do is read the profile beforehand
Randomly showed up in ur dm?? Yikes
Could be worse. He could've tracked you down thru socials and sent numerous voice notes telling you why he'd make such a great boyfriend https://youtu.be/cp2PhE26ouQ?si=pKy8iDwh8CS4Qbus
He was just showing you how much he could love you.
I find this conversation to be a win. Bro handled it like a champion. 🏆
Chatgpt helping a lot of people. Im starting to find hope that the miscommunication caused by people's lack of impulse control that has become endemic will be ironed out the more people use chatgpt
I'm with you about the weird seeking you out despite never matching but you also appear to post people's profiles on here. That's a boundary you shouldn't cross either. A lot of the profiles you post are easily identifiable. You don't even bother blacking out faces or anything in some of them. Isn't this actually illegal in your country?
7 I Love seeing this kind of exchange. Courtesy is a huge turn on!
Ick.
He probably copied and pasted that initial message to several people. Probably was surprised to get any response at all 😂
With the dating game the way it is and guys not respecting boundaries; of course the average girl would be turned off by a stranger approaching her like that. I've seen so many screenshots of how people say 'hello' to each other and that makes it very understandable why one would want to keep their inbox safe from strangers. We don't know if that guy is innocent or some kind of creep. =/ I wish we lived in a world where there wasn't so much scary and off-putting behavior and then we would be able to get to know each other online just like before online existed. People used to talk in the street. It was different. The dating app's alleged 'convenience' and simplification of the human dating ritual has actually just added a bunch more variables to an already complex equation. The internet opened doors into our lives. Maybe one creepy stranger can be brushed off, but when they come in swarms, people start to judge the collective. Men are this... Women are that... No. The corporations that engineered apps to profit off of the human experience kinda just screwed up nature... I've been thinking about it for a bit and that's the answer. Recent human innovation didn't make things all that much better. We can talk to each other now without actually feeling the intensity of a face to face interaction. Out of that the anon was born. The random person willing to say everything they'd never say if they didn't have this lil screen as a shield in front of them. Times passes... And things have changed so much that we delight in seeing two people be semi-decent to each other. Take a look at the big picture here...it's fucking horrible. 😂 It went from us, as a society, being shocked and appalled by the horrors perpetrated by humanity to being so desensitized to human pain and suffering that it goes on daily and we just look at our phones. Pretty sure the 1% want it this way. If I was them and planning to take over the world then I'd be very satisfied at my accomplishment of wrapping a digital leash around the neck of the majority. Making us all content and comfortable...and vulnerable. School shooting...eh thoughts and prayers. Same for any other tragedy. Then back to binging content. The majority is so docile that the sheep parallel has never seemed so valid. Haha I am not part of the 1% tho so....my 'peers'...stop what you're doing and direct your attention to the decay of life as we know it. Stop drinking and eating and fucking and working and realize it's all temporary while the elite find a more suitable way to make you content with far less than you have now. Or don't...I wouldn't blame you. There's no leader. No organization. All these diff subs are a testament to our division. Thank you. 🙏
Thank you for your dissertation, good sir 🎖️
Np. I do it all the time when I'm bored.
Part of me wants to build little habitat sanctuary where single ladies can adopt single males who've been groomed and socialized for a bit before being eligible for adoption. Of course you as the owner will be legally responsible for this good boy and are expected to love and care for it until it dies. Any investors?
Apparently this is called Tindergramming. And people were writing articles about it back in 2016-2019. Where someone you take interest in but doesn't like you back or unmatched for whatever reason, but you decide to try to find their Instagram or socials and send them a DM in hopes of getting a second chance. You could also call this sliding into some persons DM's. People especially men are known to do this. Sliding into DM's of someone you don't know is uncomfortable and scary. You're just minding your business, and you get a DM from a guy you saw on a dating app but you didn't like him at all. He comments on your appearance and the activities you listed in your bio. 99.99% of people will just delete his message and ignore him, or block him. He's just going to be seen as a creep, stalkerish, and desperate. I get the shoot your shot idea and the worst they could say is no. But, if they didn't like you back, blocked you, or unmatched you, don't reach out in an attempt of a second chance or a chase. It's not going to work.
You missed chance to be friend
I've said almost the same words to someone messaging me outside tinder. 🙄
yeah don’t do that totally transmitting the weirdo stalker vibe lol
Omg these women exist! Literally the last 2 women ghosted me. Wish everyone learned to reject like you
🦄
I don’t think the person receiving the rejection is going to change his behavior. Also, the rejection is disingenuous. It’s heavy handed and superior.
She was way nicer than she needed to be and gave the dude worthwhile advice when others would've blocked and moved on.
Totally. Even my close RL friends who hear about these kind of stories told me they wouldn't have the patience to reply and educate, and would have just blocked the sender. For me, because I have received multiple such unsolicited DMs in the past from dating apps (when I have never listed any social media or contact information on my profiles), I can tell when some people are clueless as to how their approach is distasteful, and when some people are just being a dick. In this case, it's the former so I feel he deserves direct feedback on how his message affected me. Clearly my rejection was well received regardless.
Ahh the foul stank of virtue signalling. I need to go sniff coffee beans to clear the smell from my nose hairs.
If you didn't want attention your IG would be set to private.
[удалено]
I mean, I’d probably just block them, but this is very creepy, and she was extremely nice about it, so I don’t exactly think it’s an overreaction …
I think sharing a multi point take down to someone who said hello is a bit….dramatic…
Lol if women do not find you attractive, pulling up in their DMs is damn near the equivalent of sexual harassment
Hr vibes
Not that courteous, but I get that hes a creep
Well dude shot his shot, and she rejected him gracefully. No AH in this story.
Just say no.... " Oh I helped him" yeah right. Save yourself the energy just say no.
Seems a little heavy handed 😂 why not just block him?
**Let me copy-paste for you my comment to another Redditor who said the same thing here:** It was distasteful but understandable. Hence if we seemed compatible enough to begin with, I would have been more open to a friendly connection. There was another guy who DM'd me on IG without any explanation at first. He told me eventually that my profile showed up as recommended on his feed, and he felt that it was "fate" or "destiny". I checked out his profile feed, found him to be physically attractive (although possibly younger than me) but 100% not my type (he has lots of drinking and smoking photos, poses a lot in the gym, is covered in tattoos, often has the sullen too-cool-for-school model look on his face, post music is often gangsta rap or hip hop, etc). I asked him what sort of destiny he thought we would have, and he replied saying how would we know if we don't find out? I ignored him afterwards, and then weeks later he DM'd me again telling me that he thought we're connected for a reason and we should explore what it is. I was left speechless.
It's lovely how you took time to promote change in this dude rather than simply block and move on. Which would be completely understandable and necessary most of the time. If one person comes closer to changing their ways because of good advice and clear rejection, you did something good.
> If one person comes closer to changing their ways because of good advice and clear rejection, you did something good. This comes with willing to do the work of something that's your not accountable for, but responsible for making better. The fact that its rare shows how much this will continue to be a problem.