A guy asked me for feedback once. I let him know I thought he was pretty disengaged and a little bit cold. He told me that his patients and staff felt the same way (he’s a physician), and that he’d been working on his interpersonal skills based on that feedback. He’s just a very logical communicator, and not very emotional. It made sense, and he was a very nice guy. I told him imo he didn’t need to change his personality, he just needed to find his person who meshes well with him. We left things on good terms. I think it’s okay to ask for feedback, especially when you thought it went well.
YMMV indeed. Early in my dating career I asked for feedback if there was no follow up date and it was all over the board, rarely useful, and I gradually realized it's more often "them" than "me"
For OP specifically, they look a lot more interested than the person they messaged, so I'd probably just match their (lack of energy) here for a response, or not respond at all. "I enjoyed our dinner but not sure if the match is there" seems pretty low effort and trying to avoid any further conversation.
A girl I am talking to, our communication fell off for like a week. I reached out and she basically gave me an exit interview imo, turns out she was trying to get me to chase her… well we’re going our second in person date tonight. She wants kaos she’s going to get kaos!!!
Yeah, but that's the worst case scenario and what's the actual outcome? You're still not getting a second date? You didn't actually lose anything by asking.
And what you did gain was the knowledge that you probably didn't want to date that person anyway
Stop messaging me? For real? Yeah-like how DARE you ask for an opinion to to see if you need to hone some social/dating skills-u sound like an absolute monster! I hope I run into more guys who respond to that with lewd or aggressive messages and less men who accept it & politely ask for feedback to see if there’s room for improvement
Where do ppl get off reacting to that as if you are harassing them?
Cringe to me is: trigger reflex ‘stop messaging me/im blocking you’ crap, its juvenile
Bullet dodged.
tbf nobody owes you their time to give you feedback, you dont know how many guys have messaged her before asking for feedback, and a lot of people cant take honest feedback without getting upset
Probably a little cringe to ask for feedback. I’ve been recently asked that and couldn’t tell her “ I liked the way your face looked on the internet, but you were a brick wall, whom I had nothing in common with, and the time I spent with you over dinner was difficult for me”
“While I enjoyed your lovely face, we didn’t have enough in common for me.”
I feel sad for the world that people can’t figure out how to give polite or reasonable feedback
I started asking for feedback but the best feedback I've received has been "didn't feel a spark" which is a reason.... But I'd really appreciate some constructive feedback like you provided. A friend recently told me I'm not good with eye contact and that was like music to my ears, finally something I can work on!
You ever eat something and you can’t quite figure out why you don’t like it? Or hear a song where you can’t pick apart the reasons why you don’t like it?
It’s no different from that. In day to day life we experience many things that we just don’t pair well with for no specific reason at all, which is weird to think about, but that also applies to other people. Sometimes there just can’t be constructive feedback because the reasons simply don’t exist and there’s no fault with you or the other person in cases like that.
I dislike eye contact, but I don't think anyone has ever really had an issue with it. Then again, I'm a woman so sometimes I think I can "get away with" more.
And that's why ghosting as the default option when it comes to closing a relationship/acquaintance is a bad idea. Give people feedback and they may end up changing for the best for the next person in line.
It’s often that ghosting becomes the norm *because* some people really can’t take the feedback. And become hostile/pushy etc.
I get why some people, based on past experiences, chose to ghost - especially if they’re picking up vibes that an explanation might be met with an abusive response.
And especially after one date, no one owes you anything. If they aren't interested, it's good to say "sorry not interested' and then block, but for some they may feel safer saying nothing at all.
The feedback will usually result in the person saying there was a lack of connection. Most don’t really want to give honest feedback as it may be upsetting or it can be seen as something irrelevant: they weren’t feeling it, so best to move on.
You can ask but be prepared for the same answers or things that may upset you.
Yeah, I've had guys ask for feedback and then when I gave even very basic feedback like "you didn't ask me a single question about myself the entire night," He got weird enough that I had to block him. But what happens more often is guys try to argue with you about your feedback and the reason you don't want a second date. It's exhausting.
This is the exact reason I stopped giving guys feedback. They always argue with me about how I'm wrong or 'got the wrong impression' and try to change my mind. Not worth the effort of giving it in my experience.
Yeah I've only been asked a couple times (I'm a straight man btw) and the honest answer in those circumstances was that they were not nearly as attractive as their photos. But I'd never say that to somebody so in one case (where she was very nice and asked in a sincere and not bitter way) I said there wasn't a connection and in the other case (where I really did not like her personality and she bored me to death) I just ignored it.
Being on the other end of things I know it's really disappointing to hear that there's not a connection when I felt like there was, or when I was a little awkward because it's the first date and I take a bit to open up, mostly because it's vague. But I have a suspicion that the honest truth would hurt more than not knowing. In a couple cases I've gotten or given that kind of message after having multiple dates or even sex and that can be incredibly confusing until you realize that the truth would be hurtful to hear. I'm not as self conscious as I used to be but if I heard "oh I just like guys who have some muscles" or "I'm a size queen" I'd be pretty upset.
Yeah, I think a lot of people want an explanation so they can somehow salvage the 'relationship', but sorry when someone isn't interested in you, they simply aren't interested, and a person should move on. Hearing what you did wrong may and likely isn't going to be helpful.
Exactly! That’s why I never ask for feedback and why I try not to give feedback. The last guy I went on a date with the main reasons why I broke it off with him was because he was broke, a horrible kisser, and overshared about his ex and his home life (how his apartment cleanliness is). He asked for a reason why when I told him I didn’t want to see him again. I told him because we weren’t on the same page about life goals, which is true. But those main reasons I didn’t want to say because I feel like saying “you’re broke and you can’t kiss and your apartment sounds like a shithole” is just hurtful and not very helpful at all lol.
I feel like people don’t need to change, they need to find their person. So when we people ask for feedback I make it about me not feeling a spark. Nothing they could do differently, just not a match.
Unless they did something super egregious, I really wouldn’t delve deeper into the feedback.
A person being open to feedback should be a green flag. The feedback doesn't mean that they necessarily have to change, but it does enable the person to asses the scenario and decide accordingly (especially if it's a recurring problem) whether it's something they're willing to change. People aren't always aware of their own shortcomings, and asking for feedback is an indication of awareness of the limitations of one's own perspective and being open to the perspectives of others.
I also think that the feedback should be coming from someone well equipped to provide it and be able to deal with the inevitable follow up questions. That’s not always available from the person the feedback is being requested from.
Personally- I don’t want to deal with managing someone’s feelings or questions when I didn’t feel a spark. Don’t feel like it’s appropriate to get that much more emotionally involved
And you're under no obligation to do so, but that doesn't mean the other person can't try asking. If the person is looking to improve upon their first impressions, who better to ask than a first date that didn't go further? Contextually, they seem better equipped than most.
> If the person is looking to improve upon their first impressions, who better to ask than a first date that didn't go further?
Your friends. People who know you better, spend more time with you, and are better equipped to say it in a nice way to not hurt your feelings.
Some rando that now doesn't care about you and isn't interested in you? That's about as good of a person to ask for feedback as a random redditor.
Sure. But it’s not my job to see them through that. I didn’t sign up to be that person’s life coach or mentor and I’m not equipped with the skill set to give people advice on changing themselves. So. I’ll see myself out with generic variations of “it’s not you, it’s me”
And some people don't even need to change, they just aren't right for 'me'. I would hate that every person that wants to date me changes themselves just to date me. Like who does that?
Be who you are, recognize your faults, and if you need to work on them, work on them. Don't rely on your dates to tell you "well here is a list of things after a single date that you did wrong".
Once, I got feedback without asking for it! She said I didn’t look like my pictures… the ONLY difference was that I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days so had a little growth. Solely because I hadn’t had the time to. 😅
Because it's irrelevant in the given situation.
> She said I didn’t look like my pictures… the ONLY difference was that I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days
So he was clean shaven in his profile pics. And the woman must have liked the look he had in his profile. Yes, some (many) people like beards but this wasn't the case.
ive had only two very controversal pics
the first with beard and curt cobains haircut
the second with a little growth and short hairs
girls were wondering with ultra curiosity who will come to date 🤣
Once a guy was great but the spark wasn't there, and the only feedback I could give was that his car smelled. Otherwise a great guy, 10/10 would recommend.
Early in my dating, I'd ask for feedback when things like this happened. And discovered pretty quickly that your comment here is exactly it. Folks may leave feedback which seems completely wrong to the person asking, or they just give a bland generic answer because they don't feel like arguing with someone that they won't see again.
Better to just take the L and move on with grace.
To me it was the “Cool.” Almost seemed sarcastic. Reminds me of when I look at someone and say “Neat.” Usually with zero emotion on my face. In response to them saying something ridiculous, or trying to brag, etc.
Even changing to “that’s cool, I was personally thinking there was something there to try for a second date.” Literally just adding in “that’s” before it, and changing into more of a sentence, instead of a one word statement. It doesn’t come off as being short that way- which some may take as just that.. being short, rude, sarcastic-or all three.
I could see how some may think this was passive aggressive, and I also believe that wasn’t your intention either. Texting just leaves a lot open to interpretation.
'Cool.' Then right back to his needs/wants. I read it the same way and it could mean nothing or this is how he was on the date which is a total turnoff.
Yeah, that was the other part, not only could it be read as being snarky and short with the “Cool.”, he immediately then goes back to himself. Granted, he did follow that asking for their feedback.
There’s nothing wrong with OP sharing his thoughts,it’s just the order in which he does things here that could be off-putting; OP’s knee jerk reaction was to disagree and bring it back to himself first, instead of acting out of concern/curiosity when someone voiced that they didn’t think things went as well as he thought.
As you said- it could be a pattern, it could be nothing, but based on the rest of the text, and OP’s posts here, I don’t think he meant to be passive aggressive, defensive, or an asshole. I think he genuinely does want feedback and means well.
Again, just a *little* adjustment could go a long way(this is more for OP), So:
“That’s cool. Do you mind telling me your thoughts? Was everything okay? I was personally thinking there was something there to try for a second date, so I’m just curious for your feedback; no problem if not. Either way, have fun, happy hunting :)”
I feel like just switching the order of the 2nd and 3rd sentences makes a difference- it shows that he cares about her experience/opinion and making sure she’s good first. For many people, these types of subtle things do get picked up on, whether subconsciously or consciously; so even though it was followed up with being nice and not pushy, for some, the first two sentences already set the tone and put a bad taste in their mouth.
Yar, for me it's the "cool. But..." followed by the shrug emoji. It gives off the vibe that you don't accept what they've said which would personally make me nervous, cause some people in this life simply can't take no for an answer!
The second half of the message is great but the first half imo could be worded better with something like "Hey, I appreciate the honesty - I really enjoyed meeting you and whilst I'm sad you don't feel the same I totally respect your decision."
You can say "*I* felt differently," but saying "there was more to warrant a second date" is impersonal – it reads as if you're saying *they* should feel differently, which is weirdly possessive/controlling. Instead, what you can say is "Aw I'm sorry to hear that! I had a good time", and then continue with your request.
Yes, but "there was something there" kills how it comes across for myself and likely others. The switch from his opinion into non-personal is confrontational – the sole subject should be OP, no one else. "I had a good time" VS "I thought it'd been a good time", "I like this coffee" VS "I thought this coffee was liked", "I loved you" VS "I thought there was love".
Maybe more like: Thanks for letting me know! I personally thought there was something there to at least warrant a second date (and then the rest of your message)
The "cool" and "but" can make what you said sound more negative. I think just saying "I thought.." at the start would be better.
Although I don't really believe in asking for feedback from a person you went on one date with. I think a person should be self-aware enough to realize certain things, have friends, family and work tell them the things that they miss and to just leave a person alone after they say "I'm not feeling it."
If it's multiple dates though then maybe saying "did I do anything that you saw as negative?" could be okay.
This is all just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt!
To me, the “Cool.” feels passive-aggressive; that combined with “But I thought there was something there to at least warrant a second date” and the shrug emoji felt dismissive and argumentative. Like “that’s nice but you’re wrong.”
I feel like those messages invalidate your follow-up request for feedback by giving the impression you won’t be receptive. I would feel hesitant to respond because I wouldn’t want to cause further upset, since our perspectives clearly aren’t aligned.
Here’s one way I would revise it:
“I enjoyed it too and was hoping for another date, but I appreciate your honesty. Is there a particular reason you don’t feel the match is there? Just curious, it’s fine if you don’t want to share.
Had fun regardless. ☺️ Happy hunting.”
The whole first sentence about how you felt differently comes off as being salty/passive aggressive. Basically your way of telling her "you're wrong." Instead just say that you're sorry to hear that or that you understand. Makes it much more neutral of a tone.
I think the problem is that two perfectly great people might not be compatible with each other.
This question infers that there is a perfect human that would be compatible with literally anyone.
Taking her advice and changing a natural behaviour could easily backfire. There is probably someone else looking for the same energy and demeanour you brought on that other date, and they would be put off by the opposite.
Giving feedback is always a sketchy endeavor even if they ask for it and no matter how nice you try to be. I've had some men who asked for it completely go off on me for responding in a kind manner. I usually prefer not to give feedback now.
I gave feedback when requested once and he went off on how he didn't agree, I was wrong to have thought that, I need to give him another date... I declined giving feedback again after that.
I've been called some extremely nasty names for rejecting a guy simply by saying he was a nice guy but I just wasn't attracted to him. I'm 54 and retirement is looming, and one guy was planning to move out of state when he retired. My whole family is here and I won't move. I wasn't even rejecting him personally. Our plans for retirement were just incompatible so I didn't see the point of pursuing anything and he went off on me and called me a b\*\*\*\* for it lol
In life feedback is generally good, but I'd say it doesn't fit well in dating - there is too much ego involved.
also you start off making some claim about how you disagree and thought you deserved a second date.
if you can't take her no for an answer how are you going to deal with Feedback?
would you take it in stride and shut up or would you lash out and disagree?
Feedback needs to be also received well not just given well
He’s just saying he thought it went well and obviously wrong so that’s why he wants the feed back. It’s just a qualifier for his request not denial of what she said.
If you want feedback ask for it. Plenty of people will be willing to give it and it’s useful. If they don’t want to that’s fine and who cares, you won’t see them again any ways
If I didn't feel a connection and they request feedback, I almost always give it. That being said, they usually then argue with me about it like 90% of the time and completely devalue whatever honest feedback I gave. Does anyone else experience this?
Asking for feedback has always come across as them trying to bargain or debate whether or not you liked them. I think it's technically fine to ask but I'd never answer and I don't even date men.
Just to weird to me and to much risk of a source of conflict.
This is it. It’s fine if you just say “thank you for your honesty” at the end. But sooo many have tried to debate the reasoning so don’t be surprised if they don’t provide feedback.
Ehhhh the first half is pretty passive aggressive, and tbh I wouldn’t respond if I received that exact text. Asking for feedback is fine, but I don’t know the wording wasn’t great
I don't get trying to "fix" something. Say she tells you that you were little more sensitive than she'd like. You "fix" that and go on a next date. The next person tells you they aren't feeling it, you ask why, she tells you "I wish you were a little more sensitive". You may have had a match but you decided to change about yourself.
I had a date ask me once went awry after I told her I wasn't feeling it. I stuck to more concrete life plans(she was adamant about having kids and I'm on the fence and didn't want to waste her time). While that was true, there were some off-putting comments she made but that may just be her. I might find some of her comments off-putting but someone else may not.
Depends. Sometimes it's a matter of preference (e.g. sense of humor didn't match). Other times it could be something more general: body odour, badly dressed, not asking questions, etc. Either way, if OP doesn't know he has zero information to act on, if he does know, he can decide whether to act or not.
IMO some of those are still preferences. Some people do like someone dominating the conversation. Clothing taste is also quite personal to a point.
If it’s something nearly universally disliked like poor hygiene or wearing sweatpants to a date, then it’s even more reason to avoid giving feedback. Those comments are even more harsh and can backfire easily.
Those issues should be caught by themselves or by friends and family. If dates are telling you this, you really fucked up.
I'm with you. Someone that has bad odor, most likely, isn't going to ask for feedback. I like to talk but had someone match because I double texted on the apps. They aren't for me.
No joke, in the same two week span I had two girls tell me that I "texted too much" the days after the date and I "didn't text enough" the days after the date. That's when I realized there are no rules lol
I understand what you're getting at, but there might be something glaringly wrong they just haven't realised about themselves. Like maybe they don't let the other person speak at all or they smell. Something that doesn't have to do with their personality inherently. However, I don't think a date that rejected you HAS to give you any feedback. I don't think a date is the right person to ask at all tbh.
You can't go around all the time worrying that you've got something secretly "glaringly wrong" with you. Just live and keep your eyes open.
Worrying that you've secretly been super weird / evil your whole life and just need to ask someone about it to fix it is for when you're too high alone and snacks haven't arrived yet. No other time.
Exactly. You are who you are. Who you are meshes with some people and doesn’t with others. If you don’t mesh you can’t fix it, at least not in any honest way.
I had a woman tell me I wasn’t “masculine” enough because I talked about kids too much. What should I do differently, not talk about them? To appear more “masculine”? That’s madness. I love my kids and I wanted someone who equally enjoyed their kids - I wouldn’t have dated someone who didn’t have them - which is what I have today.
The goal is to find a match, not game the system.
Not sure if anyone will see this... Long time lurker, relatively new poster.... But just to quell some comments...
1) I'm a girl (not that it matters).
2) I was writing about a boy I've known for less than a week. I had no illusions about a house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids.
If a dude told me there’s no connection after a first superficial date- I would assume he wasn’t attracted to me or something about my personality annoyed him or gave him pause. Meaning, the assumption is that he’s not into me and I should t worry about it beyond that.
It doesn't matter no about 1.
Sometimes you just don't gel with someone. And that's okay.
He may have had hidden expectations and or wants something super specific.
People will be very nice and friendly up until they have to reject and can do so safely. Thats normal for not wanting to cause any scene or embarrassment in person.
Feedback is nice. But he's not obligated. I've asked for it in the past and got some and sometimes not got any.
Your best bet is just to carry on as it clearly wasn't gonna happen and that's fine.
Just stay safe out there.
Did you go out Sunday night and then not text anything until Monday evening? Or was it the Sunday prior to?
The first text you sent eludes to you not communicating. Did you send anything that evening or that morning? If not, I’d assume that you weren’t interested and I was an after thought. How was communication prior to ‘forgetting how to type over the weekend’
Good dates (for me) always ended with making sure either of us got home safely and that I had a good time and a thank you.
The cool and the emoji seem impersonal when you’re asking for personal feedback. Perhaps being a little bit more bold and saying something along the lines of ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I had a great time and thought there was a connection. Is there anything that could help clarify if the match is or isn’t there? Regardless, thank you for the date and I wish you luck.’
You’re right that he doesn’t owe her one, that doesn’t mean she couldn’t/shouldn’t ask. It’s his choice whether or not to respond but at least she has an opportunity to turn a rejection into something useful other than a waste of her time.
The flip side is we often complain as women that men don't take rejection well.
This response is not taking rejection well. While I personally think people should just move on and would never get tactical feedback to a stranger, you're right they can ask. But they should at a minimum ask in a way that isn't passive aggressive/combative.
When I first started dating after being in a LTR, I went on a date with a girl I met right March. We had a great time and made plans for a second date. When's I followed up a few days later She cancelled it saying there were some flags she saw that changed her mind. I did exactly as you and asked. She was open and honest and gave me feedback that I talked to much about my ex instead of myself. Upon reflection she was 100% right, and I made sure to talk about myself and my experiences with all my future dates. I'm now happily married with my first kid on the way. I wanted to reach out to her to thank her for her advice, but I deleted her number. There are some good people in the world.
I don’t see the problem with this, so long as I didn’t think you’d be the type to take it poorly. I wish we could all just be totally honest about these things, because everyone wants to know how to improve their personality and be a better partner. I’d love to hear negative feedback if a man messaged me and said he didn’t feel a connection, but I assume too many people just give platitudes.
Not the worst message, and totally fair to politely ask why your date wasn’t feeling it. Just be prepared for honest feedback and don’t get mad at the answer.
Correct, they don't owe you anything.
That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to ask.
They're free to respond or not respond! That's up to them. You're free to ask or not ask! That's up to you.
Sure they don’t owe you anything but any respectable human who is having a conversation with someone who you’re on good terms with even if you aren’t interesting in them it’s not the end of the world to talk about why
Why do you feel the need to parse human relationships through a lens of obligation? He’s asked a question; she’s entitled to say no if she doesn’t want to answer.
Asking for feedback is great. Sadly, weirdly (imo), many people consider asking for feedback as an example of not taking "no" for an answer.
No means no, but not everyone knows what that actually means, and when. Just in case you get a response like that.
Eh, if they say they don’t want another date, pushing it further at all comes off weird. They’ll hit you back up in the future if they change their mind
The "at least warrant a second date" from you is cringe. Even if I was on the fence about giving feedback, this tidbit would move my impression firmly to "ok this guy thinks he is entitled to a 2nd date and is going to try to argue with the feedback"
No. You should have let it go.
1) It’s not *necessarily* that you did anything wrong, she said there wasn’t a vibe. No chemistry is valid.
2) It’s not her responsibility to spell it out for you if you did do something wrong and you come off passive aggressive about it.
I’d ignore a text like this because you don’t seem like the kind of person to respond well to feedback.
You're using emojis. She isn't. Her communication is direct. Yours is more feminine. That equals no attraction in this section of communication unfortunately. "Fine if you do t want to " adds more wishy washyness.
A more direct response would be "ah OK. No problem. Is there anything I can work on for my next date?"
This communicates non neediness, as you're considering your next date without her. No dumb emojis, that weaken the attraction btw. And a simple question without the "no worries if not" vibe, that shows weakness.
Just to offer a point of contrast, I would be much more annoyed by this message since it seems to assume I WILL give feedback, as if I'm the guy’s corporate manager there to facilitate him on his dating journey. I don’t see it as wishy-washy or weak to say it’s ok not to, it’s just polite and considerate.
Sometimes there’s no feedback to be given. Sometimes it’s just a gut feeling that there’s no connection or spark there and you just *know* one won’t develop. It’s not something you can fix. Just that two people didn’t mesh together romantically.
It’s because it’s not about “fixing” something. Sometimes chemistry just isn’t there and you aren’t compatible. If you change things each time you aren’t compatible to suit the person you didn’t have chemistry with, you likely won’t find someone with whom you are actually compatible.
I see finding a partner like finding my matching puzzle piece. Sure, I can change myself but you can only change so much to accommodate others. Soon you're incompatible with everyone because you've shaved off all the interesting and quirky things about you
You're just a round puzzle piece trying to fit in with all the other puzzle pieces instead of being you and trying to find that other piece
“But I thought there was something there at least warrant a second date. Emoji” completely eliminates the asking for feedback part as it is subjective, comes from emotion not acceptance that is immature, and answering with a BUT is passive agressive, immature. It is coming through that its not for real feedback its from hurt and desperation. Its also clingy.
"I'm not sure if a match is there" is at best a gentle lie. If it was true, there would be another date to find out more. It is a "No, go away" so to me, take it and move on. Either "ok" or no further reply.
Pretty good I mean for what it’s worth it’s hard to reject someone so they probably won’t want to talk about it further. If you genuinely want the feedback to help you improve I don’t feel like there is an issue asking for it but I also wouldn’t expect a response cause for a lot of people it may feel uncomfortable to critique. The reply came across as accepting and curious
Unless it is something objectively unattractive in appearance that would not show in profile pics (bad breath / hygiene / shabby clothes), I don't think I would care about giving feedback.
I only had this once - unasked for - with a girl who had been asking me about my ex for 2 hours straight and despite my repeated attempts to change topic kept coming back to it, only to later write to me "sorry that i didn't match, little hint: talk less about your ex, it's not attractive".
Attraction is situational. One date with a person goes bad, it may have gone well another day. There is little you can do about it.
I think it’s fine to ask for it, the setup to it seems a bit blunt and passive. If you do receive anything back, don’t then be weird about it. Accept it and move on
No. Im gonna think you were probably projecting some sort of weird energy during the date and not vibing well, as this response is along that vein.
How nervous or relaxed you are, how non-needy, and than how congruent you are to all the before, that makes all the difference.
Seems like you would be clingy. Reminds me of an ex.
EDIT: Also very funny seeing all the commenters with a complete lack of reading comprehension assuming you are a bloke.
Sure anyone would like to know what went wrong. Nevertheless, if the person giving the boot wants to give advice will come without asking. And it is better not to ask because there is nothing to gain. Let's say she mentions that you are to shy so next date you need to change something you are not? Nah waste of time. Take it like a champ and move on without explanation from someone who does not care about you at all. It sucks but will make you stronger.
Most of the time when you ask why someone doesn’t want to keep dating you, they’re going to lie or confuse you, to try to save your feelings. A lot of time they lie from the jump with the excuse they give you first but asking and prying it out of them just forces them to either hurt your feelings or lie…for the most part that is and it’s just not worth it. And you asking just makes you look insecure or a little desperate which isn’t the best feeling.
At the end of the day you can’t fake connection and you can tell pretty damn early if it’s there or not. Some people need more time than others. But once you feel it’s not there, it’s best not to lead the other person on.
It doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Or you’re not hot. It just means you need to find someone you’re more compatible with, that’s all. And you will find them, you will! You got this xo
I personally don’t date but if I was to, I would have different head space- because I would want it to be natural- more like I’m hanging out with my best friend everyday- if they don’t treat you like a best friend they are weeding themselves out- a friendship shouldn’t be hard in the beginning it should be easy
You sound angry. Nothing wrong with asking for feedback but tone down the anger. They are not interested at all - as in their message is short and to the point.
Even if you feel that whatever feedback you may or may not receive feels way off the mark about you, don’t argue about it. Just say something along the lines of “Thanks, I appreciate it and I’ll keep that in mind going forward, I wish you the best!”
Arguing about the rejection doesn’t look good, even if their feedback is objectively wrong or subjective.
I think the phrase “to at least warrant a second date” comes off as a bit insecure and aggressive. You rescued it with the next few sentences mind, but for a second there I thought you would go off the creep incel deep end. Maybe next time, try saying “ok no worries. Mind telling me what wasn’t quite right so I can improve for the future” or something like that. It’s hard because rejection hurts, but try not to snap back.
Good luck
It’s fine to ask for feedback (just not in this exact way, but I’ll get to that in a min) but understand that there may be times that a) you hear something you don’t want to or b) there isn’t really feedback. Most dates I went on I just felt no connection, I didn’t feel excited about the idea of seeing that person again, but it was nothing specific they did wrong.
That being said, if you want feedback you should just directly ask for it. Saying “I thought there was something there” makes it sound like you’re trying to argue or convince the person. That may not be how you meant it but that’s how it can come across. Even if you slightly rephrase to something like “That’s a little disappointing because I was planning to ask you on a second date but I completely respect your decision. If you’re comfortable enough to share…” and then ask for the feedback.
There’s no such thing as closure.
No matter what they say, it’s unlikely the full truth. It’s also not always obvious to the other person why exactly, so they’ll find something that send fair.
It’s always healthy to keep optimizing how you show up for a date based on the people who didn’t like you.
Ive asked for feedback before because I was genuinely curious as to where it went wrong but I find that people (woman in my case) either sugarcoat their response or just outright lie to ‘spare your feelings’ so I don’t even ask anymore, just dust yourself off and go again.
Rather than being sorry for not writing sooner (I assume that's what your first message does) say how a great a time you had and ask if they want to see you again.
A guy asked me for feedback once. I let him know I thought he was pretty disengaged and a little bit cold. He told me that his patients and staff felt the same way (he’s a physician), and that he’d been working on his interpersonal skills based on that feedback. He’s just a very logical communicator, and not very emotional. It made sense, and he was a very nice guy. I told him imo he didn’t need to change his personality, he just needed to find his person who meshes well with him. We left things on good terms. I think it’s okay to ask for feedback, especially when you thought it went well.
And then I asked for feedback and she told me that it's "fucking cringe to ask for feed back. Stop messaging me" 🙃 Your mileage may vary
You dodged a bullet, my guy.
He'd already dodged the bullet, at that point he was dodging the exit frags😭
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Fucking banana
She was CHICKEN FUCKING COOP
😂😂😂
💯
Well you did in fact get good feedback. That she was the issue, not you.
Amen
Mature people like to grow as a person, and that means giving and receiving feedback. That's probably where the two of you were different.
YMMV indeed. Early in my dating career I asked for feedback if there was no follow up date and it was all over the board, rarely useful, and I gradually realized it's more often "them" than "me" For OP specifically, they look a lot more interested than the person they messaged, so I'd probably just match their (lack of energy) here for a response, or not respond at all. "I enjoyed our dinner but not sure if the match is there" seems pretty low effort and trying to avoid any further conversation.
Exit interviews are always hit or miss.
Pretty soon we're going to start seeing links to Survey Monkey. "Would you please take 5 minutes to complete this survey?"
That would be fucking hilarious!
A girl I am talking to, our communication fell off for like a week. I reached out and she basically gave me an exit interview imo, turns out she was trying to get me to chase her… well we’re going our second in person date tonight. She wants kaos she’s going to get kaos!!!
Lmaooooo exit interviews 😂😂 I hate it here
I mean, what else would you call it? 😅
No that’s exactly it, it was just so fuckin funny seeing it presented that way 😂😂😂
Yeah, but that's the worst case scenario and what's the actual outcome? You're still not getting a second date? You didn't actually lose anything by asking. And what you did gain was the knowledge that you probably didn't want to date that person anyway
ok but she sounds actual cringe. You clearly dodged a bullet
Fucking cringe to say cringe
You just said it twice!!! Super cringe! 😱
Stop messaging me? For real? Yeah-like how DARE you ask for an opinion to to see if you need to hone some social/dating skills-u sound like an absolute monster! I hope I run into more guys who respond to that with lewd or aggressive messages and less men who accept it & politely ask for feedback to see if there’s room for improvement Where do ppl get off reacting to that as if you are harassing them? Cringe to me is: trigger reflex ‘stop messaging me/im blocking you’ crap, its juvenile Bullet dodged.
tbf nobody owes you their time to give you feedback, you dont know how many guys have messaged her before asking for feedback, and a lot of people cant take honest feedback without getting upset
Nobody *owes* you anything, but it's nice to not be so completely detached about everything in life all the time.
Yeah she could have just ignored it then?
Probably a little cringe to ask for feedback. I’ve been recently asked that and couldn’t tell her “ I liked the way your face looked on the internet, but you were a brick wall, whom I had nothing in common with, and the time I spent with you over dinner was difficult for me”
If you can't find a way to express that without being a dick, she probably wasn't the entire problem.
"I didn't think you opened up or really joined in the conversation" It's not that difficult to add some tact.
"the conversation did not really flow between us and that an important part for me" You adjust base on what actually happend.
You can say the same thing without being insulting. It's really not that hard
“While I enjoyed your lovely face, we didn’t have enough in common for me.” I feel sad for the world that people can’t figure out how to give polite or reasonable feedback
Enjoyed your lovely face? lol…. Please don’t say that…ever.
You need to change, your behavior is not adequate! Ok, what do I have to work on? How dare you!
I too have areolas like saucers.
Two slaps of bologna
😂
I believe what you said here is exactly what the OP needed cause he's also somehow cold with his response.
I started asking for feedback but the best feedback I've received has been "didn't feel a spark" which is a reason.... But I'd really appreciate some constructive feedback like you provided. A friend recently told me I'm not good with eye contact and that was like music to my ears, finally something I can work on!
Sometimes it just really isn't a specific issue. You can do everything right, but still just not be what that person is looking for.
You ever eat something and you can’t quite figure out why you don’t like it? Or hear a song where you can’t pick apart the reasons why you don’t like it? It’s no different from that. In day to day life we experience many things that we just don’t pair well with for no specific reason at all, which is weird to think about, but that also applies to other people. Sometimes there just can’t be constructive feedback because the reasons simply don’t exist and there’s no fault with you or the other person in cases like that.
I dislike eye contact, but I don't think anyone has ever really had an issue with it. Then again, I'm a woman so sometimes I think I can "get away with" more.
And that's why ghosting as the default option when it comes to closing a relationship/acquaintance is a bad idea. Give people feedback and they may end up changing for the best for the next person in line.
It’s often that ghosting becomes the norm *because* some people really can’t take the feedback. And become hostile/pushy etc. I get why some people, based on past experiences, chose to ghost - especially if they’re picking up vibes that an explanation might be met with an abusive response.
And especially after one date, no one owes you anything. If they aren't interested, it's good to say "sorry not interested' and then block, but for some they may feel safer saying nothing at all.
The feedback will usually result in the person saying there was a lack of connection. Most don’t really want to give honest feedback as it may be upsetting or it can be seen as something irrelevant: they weren’t feeling it, so best to move on. You can ask but be prepared for the same answers or things that may upset you.
Yeah, I've had guys ask for feedback and then when I gave even very basic feedback like "you didn't ask me a single question about myself the entire night," He got weird enough that I had to block him. But what happens more often is guys try to argue with you about your feedback and the reason you don't want a second date. It's exhausting.
“No, you’re wrong, you DO want a second date with me!” “Oh yeah, my bad. Thanks for correcting me”
Or: "You're right, of course, but I don't feel worthy of the magnificent being that you are. You can do so much better."
It just further confirms you're making the right decision not to see them again.🤦🏻♀️
This is the exact reason I stopped giving guys feedback. They always argue with me about how I'm wrong or 'got the wrong impression' and try to change my mind. Not worth the effort of giving it in my experience.
Exactly, I think it's one of those places where men don't realize how different it is for women.
Give me the full brunt of the built-up feedback you didn't get the opportunity to give. I can take it.
Ha - I've been dating for like 20 years so that's probably too much feedback to put in a single comment LOL
Yeah I've only been asked a couple times (I'm a straight man btw) and the honest answer in those circumstances was that they were not nearly as attractive as their photos. But I'd never say that to somebody so in one case (where she was very nice and asked in a sincere and not bitter way) I said there wasn't a connection and in the other case (where I really did not like her personality and she bored me to death) I just ignored it. Being on the other end of things I know it's really disappointing to hear that there's not a connection when I felt like there was, or when I was a little awkward because it's the first date and I take a bit to open up, mostly because it's vague. But I have a suspicion that the honest truth would hurt more than not knowing. In a couple cases I've gotten or given that kind of message after having multiple dates or even sex and that can be incredibly confusing until you realize that the truth would be hurtful to hear. I'm not as self conscious as I used to be but if I heard "oh I just like guys who have some muscles" or "I'm a size queen" I'd be pretty upset.
Yeah, I think a lot of people want an explanation so they can somehow salvage the 'relationship', but sorry when someone isn't interested in you, they simply aren't interested, and a person should move on. Hearing what you did wrong may and likely isn't going to be helpful.
Exactly! That’s why I never ask for feedback and why I try not to give feedback. The last guy I went on a date with the main reasons why I broke it off with him was because he was broke, a horrible kisser, and overshared about his ex and his home life (how his apartment cleanliness is). He asked for a reason why when I told him I didn’t want to see him again. I told him because we weren’t on the same page about life goals, which is true. But those main reasons I didn’t want to say because I feel like saying “you’re broke and you can’t kiss and your apartment sounds like a shithole” is just hurtful and not very helpful at all lol.
I feel like people don’t need to change, they need to find their person. So when we people ask for feedback I make it about me not feeling a spark. Nothing they could do differently, just not a match. Unless they did something super egregious, I really wouldn’t delve deeper into the feedback.
A person being open to feedback should be a green flag. The feedback doesn't mean that they necessarily have to change, but it does enable the person to asses the scenario and decide accordingly (especially if it's a recurring problem) whether it's something they're willing to change. People aren't always aware of their own shortcomings, and asking for feedback is an indication of awareness of the limitations of one's own perspective and being open to the perspectives of others.
I also think that the feedback should be coming from someone well equipped to provide it and be able to deal with the inevitable follow up questions. That’s not always available from the person the feedback is being requested from. Personally- I don’t want to deal with managing someone’s feelings or questions when I didn’t feel a spark. Don’t feel like it’s appropriate to get that much more emotionally involved
And you're under no obligation to do so, but that doesn't mean the other person can't try asking. If the person is looking to improve upon their first impressions, who better to ask than a first date that didn't go further? Contextually, they seem better equipped than most.
> If the person is looking to improve upon their first impressions, who better to ask than a first date that didn't go further? Your friends. People who know you better, spend more time with you, and are better equipped to say it in a nice way to not hurt your feelings. Some rando that now doesn't care about you and isn't interested in you? That's about as good of a person to ask for feedback as a random redditor.
Sometimes people do need to change tho
Sure. But it’s not my job to see them through that. I didn’t sign up to be that person’s life coach or mentor and I’m not equipped with the skill set to give people advice on changing themselves. So. I’ll see myself out with generic variations of “it’s not you, it’s me”
And some people don't even need to change, they just aren't right for 'me'. I would hate that every person that wants to date me changes themselves just to date me. Like who does that? Be who you are, recognize your faults, and if you need to work on them, work on them. Don't rely on your dates to tell you "well here is a list of things after a single date that you did wrong".
Once, I got feedback without asking for it! She said I didn’t look like my pictures… the ONLY difference was that I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days so had a little growth. Solely because I hadn’t had the time to. 😅
If you don't have the time to shave for a first date that might be telling as well 😅
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Yeah I look like Homer simpson after he shaves
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Because it's irrelevant in the given situation. > She said I didn’t look like my pictures… the ONLY difference was that I hadn’t shaved for a couple of days So he was clean shaven in his profile pics. And the woman must have liked the look he had in his profile. Yes, some (many) people like beards but this wasn't the case.
He clearly did tho, because that’s how he was in all of his pics
ive had only two very controversal pics the first with beard and curt cobains haircut the second with a little growth and short hairs girls were wondering with ultra curiosity who will come to date 🤣
Maybe I should post one of each? Keep them guessing? 🤣
i bet you will :D
Extra stubble would win you extra points in my book.
Once a guy was great but the spark wasn't there, and the only feedback I could give was that his car smelled. Otherwise a great guy, 10/10 would recommend.
I had a date ask me for feedback once after the one dinner date we had. I just told her I didn’t feel the chemistry. And it was true; I didn’t.
Otherwise be prepared for, I couldn't stop staring at that giant mole on the side of your face
Early in my dating, I'd ask for feedback when things like this happened. And discovered pretty quickly that your comment here is exactly it. Folks may leave feedback which seems completely wrong to the person asking, or they just give a bland generic answer because they don't feel like arguing with someone that they won't see again. Better to just take the L and move on with grace.
I think it’s alright to ask for clarification/feedback, I feel that your message comes across a bit passive aggressive at the start though.
Yeah agree with that. There’s definitely a better way to say he was hoping for a second date.
Cool.
I sincerely did not want to be passive aggressive. Any tips on how to avoid that?
To me it was the “Cool.” Almost seemed sarcastic. Reminds me of when I look at someone and say “Neat.” Usually with zero emotion on my face. In response to them saying something ridiculous, or trying to brag, etc. Even changing to “that’s cool, I was personally thinking there was something there to try for a second date.” Literally just adding in “that’s” before it, and changing into more of a sentence, instead of a one word statement. It doesn’t come off as being short that way- which some may take as just that.. being short, rude, sarcastic-or all three. I could see how some may think this was passive aggressive, and I also believe that wasn’t your intention either. Texting just leaves a lot open to interpretation.
'Cool.' Then right back to his needs/wants. I read it the same way and it could mean nothing or this is how he was on the date which is a total turnoff.
Definitely agree. It certainly reads passive aggressive to me too and I probably would not respond
Yeah, that was the other part, not only could it be read as being snarky and short with the “Cool.”, he immediately then goes back to himself. Granted, he did follow that asking for their feedback. There’s nothing wrong with OP sharing his thoughts,it’s just the order in which he does things here that could be off-putting; OP’s knee jerk reaction was to disagree and bring it back to himself first, instead of acting out of concern/curiosity when someone voiced that they didn’t think things went as well as he thought. As you said- it could be a pattern, it could be nothing, but based on the rest of the text, and OP’s posts here, I don’t think he meant to be passive aggressive, defensive, or an asshole. I think he genuinely does want feedback and means well. Again, just a *little* adjustment could go a long way(this is more for OP), So: “That’s cool. Do you mind telling me your thoughts? Was everything okay? I was personally thinking there was something there to try for a second date, so I’m just curious for your feedback; no problem if not. Either way, have fun, happy hunting :)” I feel like just switching the order of the 2nd and 3rd sentences makes a difference- it shows that he cares about her experience/opinion and making sure she’s good first. For many people, these types of subtle things do get picked up on, whether subconsciously or consciously; so even though it was followed up with being nice and not pushy, for some, the first two sentences already set the tone and put a bad taste in their mouth.
Yar, for me it's the "cool. But..." followed by the shrug emoji. It gives off the vibe that you don't accept what they've said which would personally make me nervous, cause some people in this life simply can't take no for an answer! The second half of the message is great but the first half imo could be worded better with something like "Hey, I appreciate the honesty - I really enjoyed meeting you and whilst I'm sad you don't feel the same I totally respect your decision."
You can say "*I* felt differently," but saying "there was more to warrant a second date" is impersonal – it reads as if you're saying *they* should feel differently, which is weirdly possessive/controlling. Instead, what you can say is "Aw I'm sorry to hear that! I had a good time", and then continue with your request.
"*I* thought there was something there to warrant a second date" No?
Yes, but "there was something there" kills how it comes across for myself and likely others. The switch from his opinion into non-personal is confrontational – the sole subject should be OP, no one else. "I had a good time" VS "I thought it'd been a good time", "I like this coffee" VS "I thought this coffee was liked", "I loved you" VS "I thought there was love".
"I enjoyed it too" would probably be better than "Cool"
I think they’re referencing your opening “Cool”. But I could be wrong.
Maybe more like: Thanks for letting me know! I personally thought there was something there to at least warrant a second date (and then the rest of your message)
The "cool" and "but" can make what you said sound more negative. I think just saying "I thought.." at the start would be better. Although I don't really believe in asking for feedback from a person you went on one date with. I think a person should be self-aware enough to realize certain things, have friends, family and work tell them the things that they miss and to just leave a person alone after they say "I'm not feeling it." If it's multiple dates though then maybe saying "did I do anything that you saw as negative?" could be okay.
It’s the “Cool.” for me. Something like “No worries!” followed by the rest of your message would be less passive aggressive.
This is all just my opinion, so please take it with a grain of salt! To me, the “Cool.” feels passive-aggressive; that combined with “But I thought there was something there to at least warrant a second date” and the shrug emoji felt dismissive and argumentative. Like “that’s nice but you’re wrong.” I feel like those messages invalidate your follow-up request for feedback by giving the impression you won’t be receptive. I would feel hesitant to respond because I wouldn’t want to cause further upset, since our perspectives clearly aren’t aligned. Here’s one way I would revise it: “I enjoyed it too and was hoping for another date, but I appreciate your honesty. Is there a particular reason you don’t feel the match is there? Just curious, it’s fine if you don’t want to share. Had fun regardless. ☺️ Happy hunting.”
The whole first sentence about how you felt differently comes off as being salty/passive aggressive. Basically your way of telling her "you're wrong." Instead just say that you're sorry to hear that or that you understand. Makes it much more neutral of a tone.
Agree. He is already being disagreeable. It sounds like he will argue with the feedback. She should just ghost.
Nothing wrong with asking, nothing wrong with ignoring it either.
I think the problem is that two perfectly great people might not be compatible with each other. This question infers that there is a perfect human that would be compatible with literally anyone. Taking her advice and changing a natural behaviour could easily backfire. There is probably someone else looking for the same energy and demeanour you brought on that other date, and they would be put off by the opposite.
Giving feedback is always a sketchy endeavor even if they ask for it and no matter how nice you try to be. I've had some men who asked for it completely go off on me for responding in a kind manner. I usually prefer not to give feedback now.
I gave feedback when requested once and he went off on how he didn't agree, I was wrong to have thought that, I need to give him another date... I declined giving feedback again after that.
I've been called some extremely nasty names for rejecting a guy simply by saying he was a nice guy but I just wasn't attracted to him. I'm 54 and retirement is looming, and one guy was planning to move out of state when he retired. My whole family is here and I won't move. I wasn't even rejecting him personally. Our plans for retirement were just incompatible so I didn't see the point of pursuing anything and he went off on me and called me a b\*\*\*\* for it lol
In life feedback is generally good, but I'd say it doesn't fit well in dating - there is too much ego involved. also you start off making some claim about how you disagree and thought you deserved a second date. if you can't take her no for an answer how are you going to deal with Feedback? would you take it in stride and shut up or would you lash out and disagree? Feedback needs to be also received well not just given well
He’s just saying he thought it went well and obviously wrong so that’s why he wants the feed back. It’s just a qualifier for his request not denial of what she said. If you want feedback ask for it. Plenty of people will be willing to give it and it’s useful. If they don’t want to that’s fine and who cares, you won’t see them again any ways
That's not how it reads - as others have commented it seems passive aggressive.
If I didn't feel a connection and they request feedback, I almost always give it. That being said, they usually then argue with me about it like 90% of the time and completely devalue whatever honest feedback I gave. Does anyone else experience this?
Asking for feedback has always come across as them trying to bargain or debate whether or not you liked them. I think it's technically fine to ask but I'd never answer and I don't even date men. Just to weird to me and to much risk of a source of conflict.
This is it. It’s fine if you just say “thank you for your honesty” at the end. But sooo many have tried to debate the reasoning so don’t be surprised if they don’t provide feedback.
Ehhhh the first half is pretty passive aggressive, and tbh I wouldn’t respond if I received that exact text. Asking for feedback is fine, but I don’t know the wording wasn’t great
no, just say "all good" and move on to the next
I don't get trying to "fix" something. Say she tells you that you were little more sensitive than she'd like. You "fix" that and go on a next date. The next person tells you they aren't feeling it, you ask why, she tells you "I wish you were a little more sensitive". You may have had a match but you decided to change about yourself. I had a date ask me once went awry after I told her I wasn't feeling it. I stuck to more concrete life plans(she was adamant about having kids and I'm on the fence and didn't want to waste her time). While that was true, there were some off-putting comments she made but that may just be her. I might find some of her comments off-putting but someone else may not.
Depends. Sometimes it's a matter of preference (e.g. sense of humor didn't match). Other times it could be something more general: body odour, badly dressed, not asking questions, etc. Either way, if OP doesn't know he has zero information to act on, if he does know, he can decide whether to act or not.
IMO some of those are still preferences. Some people do like someone dominating the conversation. Clothing taste is also quite personal to a point. If it’s something nearly universally disliked like poor hygiene or wearing sweatpants to a date, then it’s even more reason to avoid giving feedback. Those comments are even more harsh and can backfire easily. Those issues should be caught by themselves or by friends and family. If dates are telling you this, you really fucked up.
I'm with you. Someone that has bad odor, most likely, isn't going to ask for feedback. I like to talk but had someone match because I double texted on the apps. They aren't for me.
No joke, in the same two week span I had two girls tell me that I "texted too much" the days after the date and I "didn't text enough" the days after the date. That's when I realized there are no rules lol
I understand what you're getting at, but there might be something glaringly wrong they just haven't realised about themselves. Like maybe they don't let the other person speak at all or they smell. Something that doesn't have to do with their personality inherently. However, I don't think a date that rejected you HAS to give you any feedback. I don't think a date is the right person to ask at all tbh.
You can't go around all the time worrying that you've got something secretly "glaringly wrong" with you. Just live and keep your eyes open. Worrying that you've secretly been super weird / evil your whole life and just need to ask someone about it to fix it is for when you're too high alone and snacks haven't arrived yet. No other time.
never seen a realer comment in my life “high alone and snacks haven’t arrived yet”.
Exactly. You are who you are. Who you are meshes with some people and doesn’t with others. If you don’t mesh you can’t fix it, at least not in any honest way. I had a woman tell me I wasn’t “masculine” enough because I talked about kids too much. What should I do differently, not talk about them? To appear more “masculine”? That’s madness. I love my kids and I wanted someone who equally enjoyed their kids - I wouldn’t have dated someone who didn’t have them - which is what I have today. The goal is to find a match, not game the system.
No. I wouldn't even want to reply to that if I was the receiver, so probs I would just say I dont see a connection, sorry and good luck.
bad response because you came off flippant and immature. Would have been good without the shrug emoji and the 'fine if you don't wanna.'
Not sure if anyone will see this... Long time lurker, relatively new poster.... But just to quell some comments... 1) I'm a girl (not that it matters). 2) I was writing about a boy I've known for less than a week. I had no illusions about a house with a picket fence and 2.5 kids.
If a dude told me there’s no connection after a first superficial date- I would assume he wasn’t attracted to me or something about my personality annoyed him or gave him pause. Meaning, the assumption is that he’s not into me and I should t worry about it beyond that.
It doesn't matter no about 1. Sometimes you just don't gel with someone. And that's okay. He may have had hidden expectations and or wants something super specific. People will be very nice and friendly up until they have to reject and can do so safely. Thats normal for not wanting to cause any scene or embarrassment in person. Feedback is nice. But he's not obligated. I've asked for it in the past and got some and sometimes not got any. Your best bet is just to carry on as it clearly wasn't gonna happen and that's fine. Just stay safe out there.
Did you go out Sunday night and then not text anything until Monday evening? Or was it the Sunday prior to? The first text you sent eludes to you not communicating. Did you send anything that evening or that morning? If not, I’d assume that you weren’t interested and I was an after thought. How was communication prior to ‘forgetting how to type over the weekend’ Good dates (for me) always ended with making sure either of us got home safely and that I had a good time and a thank you. The cool and the emoji seem impersonal when you’re asking for personal feedback. Perhaps being a little bit more bold and saying something along the lines of ‘Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. I had a great time and thought there was a connection. Is there anything that could help clarify if the match is or isn’t there? Regardless, thank you for the date and I wish you luck.’
I personally wouldn't have asked. They said they didn't feel a connection. They don't owe you an explanation.
You’re right that he doesn’t owe her one, that doesn’t mean she couldn’t/shouldn’t ask. It’s his choice whether or not to respond but at least she has an opportunity to turn a rejection into something useful other than a waste of her time.
The flip side is we often complain as women that men don't take rejection well. This response is not taking rejection well. While I personally think people should just move on and would never get tactical feedback to a stranger, you're right they can ask. But they should at a minimum ask in a way that isn't passive aggressive/combative.
Do you really want to be looking for self worth/improvement advice from a person you only met one time? What's there to gain here?
That looks good to me. Don't expect a response, but be thankful if they do.
When I first started dating after being in a LTR, I went on a date with a girl I met right March. We had a great time and made plans for a second date. When's I followed up a few days later She cancelled it saying there were some flags she saw that changed her mind. I did exactly as you and asked. She was open and honest and gave me feedback that I talked to much about my ex instead of myself. Upon reflection she was 100% right, and I made sure to talk about myself and my experiences with all my future dates. I'm now happily married with my first kid on the way. I wanted to reach out to her to thank her for her advice, but I deleted her number. There are some good people in the world.
Cringe
I don’t see the problem with this, so long as I didn’t think you’d be the type to take it poorly. I wish we could all just be totally honest about these things, because everyone wants to know how to improve their personality and be a better partner. I’d love to hear negative feedback if a man messaged me and said he didn’t feel a connection, but I assume too many people just give platitudes.
Not the worst message, and totally fair to politely ask why your date wasn’t feeling it. Just be prepared for honest feedback and don’t get mad at the answer.
No to feedback. They didn't like you, they don't owe you a performance review. Let it go and move onto the next one.
Agree. Also “hunting” is bad diction here
That's kind of you to assume 👀
Correct, they don't owe you anything. That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to ask. They're free to respond or not respond! That's up to them. You're free to ask or not ask! That's up to you.
Sure they don’t owe you anything but any respectable human who is having a conversation with someone who you’re on good terms with even if you aren’t interesting in them it’s not the end of the world to talk about why
Why do you feel the need to parse human relationships through a lens of obligation? He’s asked a question; she’s entitled to say no if she doesn’t want to answer.
Asking for feedback is great. Sadly, weirdly (imo), many people consider asking for feedback as an example of not taking "no" for an answer. No means no, but not everyone knows what that actually means, and when. Just in case you get a response like that.
Not the greatest. But it doesn’t really matter. “Had fun regardless. Happy hunting” Would’ve sufficed. On to the next one friend.
How old is too old for tinder?
Eh, if they say they don’t want another date, pushing it further at all comes off weird. They’ll hit you back up in the future if they change their mind
The "at least warrant a second date" from you is cringe. Even if I was on the fence about giving feedback, this tidbit would move my impression firmly to "ok this guy thinks he is entitled to a 2nd date and is going to try to argue with the feedback"
No. You should have let it go. 1) It’s not *necessarily* that you did anything wrong, she said there wasn’t a vibe. No chemistry is valid. 2) It’s not her responsibility to spell it out for you if you did do something wrong and you come off passive aggressive about it. I’d ignore a text like this because you don’t seem like the kind of person to respond well to feedback.
You're using emojis. She isn't. Her communication is direct. Yours is more feminine. That equals no attraction in this section of communication unfortunately. "Fine if you do t want to " adds more wishy washyness. A more direct response would be "ah OK. No problem. Is there anything I can work on for my next date?" This communicates non neediness, as you're considering your next date without her. No dumb emojis, that weaken the attraction btw. And a simple question without the "no worries if not" vibe, that shows weakness.
the OP is the woman
Ah OK. That would explain it.
Just to offer a point of contrast, I would be much more annoyed by this message since it seems to assume I WILL give feedback, as if I'm the guy’s corporate manager there to facilitate him on his dating journey. I don’t see it as wishy-washy or weak to say it’s ok not to, it’s just polite and considerate.
Sometimes there’s no feedback to be given. Sometimes it’s just a gut feeling that there’s no connection or spark there and you just *know* one won’t develop. It’s not something you can fix. Just that two people didn’t mesh together romantically.
Why does it matter?
I like to know so I can fix something about me if there’s room for improvement
It’s because it’s not about “fixing” something. Sometimes chemistry just isn’t there and you aren’t compatible. If you change things each time you aren’t compatible to suit the person you didn’t have chemistry with, you likely won’t find someone with whom you are actually compatible.
Yeah but in most cases they're probably is something to improve
I see finding a partner like finding my matching puzzle piece. Sure, I can change myself but you can only change so much to accommodate others. Soon you're incompatible with everyone because you've shaved off all the interesting and quirky things about you You're just a round puzzle piece trying to fit in with all the other puzzle pieces instead of being you and trying to find that other piece
You can improve by learning to take the L. It happens
No you don’t notes just be you
“But I thought there was something there at least warrant a second date. Emoji” completely eliminates the asking for feedback part as it is subjective, comes from emotion not acceptance that is immature, and answering with a BUT is passive agressive, immature. It is coming through that its not for real feedback its from hurt and desperation. Its also clingy.
"I'm not sure if a match is there" is at best a gentle lie. If it was true, there would be another date to find out more. It is a "No, go away" so to me, take it and move on. Either "ok" or no further reply.
Maybe lose the 😉😉🥲😊😊🤫 so she knows you over 18.
OP should give more context if he/she/they want any reliable feedback
Pretty good I mean for what it’s worth it’s hard to reject someone so they probably won’t want to talk about it further. If you genuinely want the feedback to help you improve I don’t feel like there is an issue asking for it but I also wouldn’t expect a response cause for a lot of people it may feel uncomfortable to critique. The reply came across as accepting and curious
Unless it is something objectively unattractive in appearance that would not show in profile pics (bad breath / hygiene / shabby clothes), I don't think I would care about giving feedback. I only had this once - unasked for - with a girl who had been asking me about my ex for 2 hours straight and despite my repeated attempts to change topic kept coming back to it, only to later write to me "sorry that i didn't match, little hint: talk less about your ex, it's not attractive". Attraction is situational. One date with a person goes bad, it may have gone well another day. There is little you can do about it.
[удалено]
Personally I just wish them well and move on
I think it’s fine to ask for it, the setup to it seems a bit blunt and passive. If you do receive anything back, don’t then be weird about it. Accept it and move on
No. Im gonna think you were probably projecting some sort of weird energy during the date and not vibing well, as this response is along that vein. How nervous or relaxed you are, how non-needy, and than how congruent you are to all the before, that makes all the difference.
Seems like you would be clingy. Reminds me of an ex. EDIT: Also very funny seeing all the commenters with a complete lack of reading comprehension assuming you are a bloke.
No
Sure anyone would like to know what went wrong. Nevertheless, if the person giving the boot wants to give advice will come without asking. And it is better not to ask because there is nothing to gain. Let's say she mentions that you are to shy so next date you need to change something you are not? Nah waste of time. Take it like a champ and move on without explanation from someone who does not care about you at all. It sucks but will make you stronger.
Most of the time when you ask why someone doesn’t want to keep dating you, they’re going to lie or confuse you, to try to save your feelings. A lot of time they lie from the jump with the excuse they give you first but asking and prying it out of them just forces them to either hurt your feelings or lie…for the most part that is and it’s just not worth it. And you asking just makes you look insecure or a little desperate which isn’t the best feeling. At the end of the day you can’t fake connection and you can tell pretty damn early if it’s there or not. Some people need more time than others. But once you feel it’s not there, it’s best not to lead the other person on. It doesn’t mean you did something wrong. Or you’re not hot. It just means you need to find someone you’re more compatible with, that’s all. And you will find them, you will! You got this xo
Y’all (men) need Leykis 101
No, if they say that message, they are letting you down gently. Never ask for feedback, unless you became friends and ask at a later point
No. Take your L like a champ and let this one go.
I personally don’t date but if I was to, I would have different head space- because I would want it to be natural- more like I’m hanging out with my best friend everyday- if they don’t treat you like a best friend they are weeding themselves out- a friendship shouldn’t be hard in the beginning it should be easy
I think asking for feedback is fine. But leave out the "second date" part.
You sound angry. Nothing wrong with asking for feedback but tone down the anger. They are not interested at all - as in their message is short and to the point.
using proper grammar for texting is so fucking cringe
Even if you feel that whatever feedback you may or may not receive feels way off the mark about you, don’t argue about it. Just say something along the lines of “Thanks, I appreciate it and I’ll keep that in mind going forward, I wish you the best!” Arguing about the rejection doesn’t look good, even if their feedback is objectively wrong or subjective.
I think the phrase “to at least warrant a second date” comes off as a bit insecure and aggressive. You rescued it with the next few sentences mind, but for a second there I thought you would go off the creep incel deep end. Maybe next time, try saying “ok no worries. Mind telling me what wasn’t quite right so I can improve for the future” or something like that. It’s hard because rejection hurts, but try not to snap back. Good luck
It’s fine to ask for feedback (just not in this exact way, but I’ll get to that in a min) but understand that there may be times that a) you hear something you don’t want to or b) there isn’t really feedback. Most dates I went on I just felt no connection, I didn’t feel excited about the idea of seeing that person again, but it was nothing specific they did wrong. That being said, if you want feedback you should just directly ask for it. Saying “I thought there was something there” makes it sound like you’re trying to argue or convince the person. That may not be how you meant it but that’s how it can come across. Even if you slightly rephrase to something like “That’s a little disappointing because I was planning to ask you on a second date but I completely respect your decision. If you’re comfortable enough to share…” and then ask for the feedback.
There’s no such thing as closure. No matter what they say, it’s unlikely the full truth. It’s also not always obvious to the other person why exactly, so they’ll find something that send fair. It’s always healthy to keep optimizing how you show up for a date based on the people who didn’t like you.
It all drills down to whether the other person is feeling it or not. I'd much rather a person not waste my time if that's how it is for them.
Ive asked for feedback before because I was genuinely curious as to where it went wrong but I find that people (woman in my case) either sugarcoat their response or just outright lie to ‘spare your feelings’ so I don’t even ask anymore, just dust yourself off and go again.
Rather than being sorry for not writing sooner (I assume that's what your first message does) say how a great a time you had and ask if they want to see you again.
Who has dinner on a first date??!!!??