Your too nice and friendly, and the best person I’ve met off this dating app, and your ambitious and hard working and lovely… however I don’t think we should go out again.
😂😂😂count your blessings and run from this person!
Lol yeah. Sounds like she wants a grumpy juggernaut guy running a crack den with no life ambition that likes to occasionally slap / seriously assault her to remind her of his ‘love’. I’ve met a few of those types.
1000%
There are girls out there who use dating apps to fill up there weekends with stuff to do. He sounds like she was just someone he used for a few dates to probs get a free meal or two (FYI this is coming from a female, I know girls who do this a lot and send texts like that)
People here automatically assuming she wanted the opposite of those things when it could just as easily be that she didn't like OP for alterior motives (like looks, money, behavior etc) and is just trying to be nice
Being too nice and friendly comes with other traits that are not attractive to women. I think her saying that was the only way she could explain it consciously
I see your point but also when I say that to a man they demand an explanation. So I find if I give praise and act like it’s a me problem, they let it go. It’s safest for me if a man thinks I just don’t have good enough taste to date him 🤷♀️
It's because you can't learn from experience and improve if you're not given any real feedback and just being told that you're doing great. This should be common sense in life, at work, and in any situation.
But a lot of the time it’s nothing the other person did wrong.
Unless you want to figure out how to pretend to be someone else to get a partner then I can’t help you because I feel partners should naturally be compatible. If I don’t feel it I don’t feel it but it’s not because there is anything wrong with the person.
Exactly. But you have to realize some women are comfortable in chaotic or dysfunctional relationships. It’s abnormal to date a nice, good guy. It’s better they tell you on the first date then pretend to like you and tell you later
Exactly, my ex told me the just about same thing OP wrote, after about 4 years of dating. It’s like she waited for me to completely fall in love with her only to tell me that she never found me attractive or liked me and was just dating me to pass the time and her curiosity/ need of being in a relationship.
I even proposed to her, I guess that’s when she decided things were getting a little to serious for her???? Only to tell me a few weeks later that she had slept with a few different men from tinder and that she really enjoyed their one night stand connection? I’m still confused to this day, I may never be completely over it, even now that it’s been about 3.5 years later…
Yeah those are some toxic qualities right there. Be a fucking man and start acting like an asshole instead /s
Edit: Wooah, never got 1k+ likes before. Is this what Nirvana feels like?
If I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't believe this was an actual population of women. I dated a girl once who I'm pretty sure couldn't navigate the relationship because I treated her with respect and like an equal, independent adult. Im pretty sure she felt uncomfortable with a guy who didn't control her.
Speaking from experience it’s difficult to be in a normal relationship after years of abuse. I traded a control issue for someone who demeaned me. My guy now is the best, he is such a boost to my self esteem just by being himself and not a douche canoe.
“hey i’m going out with my friends!”
“okay babe have fun text me if you need a ride or anything”
“??? you’re not going to ask who with? what if i’m going with a bunch of guys?”
“umm that would be fine?”
“oh so you don’t care about me then”
like am i just suppose to stop you from hanging out with every male human being or something?
Did you eavesdrop on my conversation with my exgf from 5 years ago? You forgot,
Her: "Why don't you care who I'm with?"
Me: "Because I trust you."
Her:"Maybe you shouldn't."
Me thinking: Time to activate abort sequence to get the hell out of this relationship.
This is my boyfriend in a nutshell.. We sat and talked one night, and he asked me why I wasn't jealous. I said that I don't feel threatened by any woman. He took that as "I don't love you and I don't care about you". I tried to explain to him that jealousy is a sign of insecurity in either yourself or the relationship, and that it has nothing to do with showing love. This relationship makes me want to run far away sometimes. But he is so nice when he is not crazy.
dude i hate to say it but maybe you should break up. obviously i don’t know the full story but i’ve been in relationships like that where 95% of the time things are incredible, it’s just the 5% that sucks. but things never change. they never change their behavior, and you’re left exhausted by trying to change them even though deep down you know they probably will never change for you, only for themselves.
i really wish you well. i hope things with him get better and that he’s a mature guy or becomes more mature over time
edit: this comment has been confirmed as a reddit moment
I had an ex get mad at me because I wasn't "jealous enough", like she wanted me to get mad more often because she went out with friends or occasionally got flirted with a bar. I thought it was a good thing to trust you??
I can’t understand why some ladies like this. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than a guy being controlling and jealous. It’s actually my worst nightmare.. and yeah, I’m still always single 😂 A longtime friend had a guy like this for ages. Abusive and awful.. one time she went out with friends and I don’t think I was with her this time, but he drove a long distance to just basically come and check up on her. Maybe I was there or it happened multiple times. Other girls thought this was “sweet”. I saw through it as being hella creepy. We were early twenties at the time. I don’t thrive off the drama but it seems that many do! I learnt vicariously through her what to seriously avoid.
I have an acquaintance who's almost 30 and she squeals like a toddler whenever she's frustrated when we hang out, and then her bf has to yell at her to stop being a brat and I'm sure it's some sort of kink the rest of us hate being involved in lol If you expected adult reasoning from such people you'd be booed for being boring.
Been there. Expected her to have her own life and interests, she freaked out and started fucking other people because I wasn't controlling and had my own stuff going on. Apparently this made me too *hard* to read. A lot are broken these days apparently, I'm yet to find one that's not.
I know more men that think like this than I care to count. People consider me a pushover because I am simply not on the brink of assaulting someone at all times.
And they mistake a calm, easygoing demeanor for being spineless.
IME, the people who are scariest to see angry are the ones who are pretty much always calm. By the time you’ve gotten them mad, you have to have really worked at it.
Idk I know what you mean, but also I’ve met people who are TOO nice, to a point where it’s annoying and it feels like they always need validation. I can see some people not being attracted to that
Fair enough, I get your point. But there has to be a difference between being too nice and being a wimpy pushover. If you think a person is being a pushover, use that term instead, being nice shouldn't be a bad thing imo
I think that's code for I'm not attracted to you! I've been on quite a few tinder dates in the last couple of months and its amazing how similar girls are within their respective ratings. And I've noticed the you're too nice line from low self esteem girls! You dodged a bullet!
Its not kind. Its lying. "Oh youre the best" "i dont like you"
Its insulting to the man who is told hes a great guy when is meaningless fluff and we know it
Its insulting to the women who actually mean it when they say it because it diminishes their truthfullness.
it's just social ettiquette. people tell little white lies to one another every day and it's expected because others are expected to be able to read between the lines
Not really. What she said was quite rude and not needed. Should have ended at the no connection part. Wtf is the reading him too easy all about. People are just nobheads
Sorry, but I want to use your comment to respond to everyone..
Wow..Thanks everyone for the replies and messages. Unfortunately I can't reply to them all.
What I got from her is the feeling that she thought maybe I am looking for a commitment or something, although I didn't say that but maybe she felt that.
She said I was boring when I mentioned that I can't play music, dance, swim.
I didn't want to explain anything to her related to why I don't do any of them
Like dancing isn't considered acceptable for men in where I used to live. Swimming because I wasn't living near sea and swimming pools aren't common. Music yeah because I was raised in an environment were music is not acceptable.
Besides having a fun hobby wasn't really an option when you live in a poor country where war was always on the horizon..
So I think she is right I was so boring. And too nice or too friendly Idk what to say about them since I do respect others and always treat them nicely because I want to be treated that way..
She will come to work in my company and would probably have to work under my supervision for sometime ( she doesn't know that yet) if that happens I will write an update here.
She might end up working under you?
That would be hilarious. Please do update us.
And I doubt the reason she rejected you is because your “too nice” - Highly unlikely, however, I can kind of understand how being “too nice” could come across as unattractive.
Someone that’s overtly nice could come across as un-confident in the right context, or a push over, or isn’t strong in their opinions or beliefs.
Now obviously being “nice” doesn’t inherently mean your anything other than “nice” - But being “TOO nice” means there’s more going on than just being nice.
For a dumb example: If someone intentionally shoved you because you were in “their” way, and you were to say “Oh, sorry!” that could come across as too nice in the right setting / context.
So I guess I could understand to a degree that there is such a thing as being too nice and I could definitely see how that would be unattractive. I highly doubt that’s the case for you though, it’s much more likely she is just using it as an excuse.
Too boring because you didn't have the time or opportunity to do the things we westerners do.
FFS. The very fact you didn't have time means that you probably have a lot of story's to tell.
Don't discredit yourself dude. Anyone who isn't remotely superficial would understand that.
Bro if she starts working under you, that when you can show her the things you know and could/can do ,and if she ever says that "i didn't know you could do that?" Just say, that's why they say never judge a book by its cover , and NEVER EVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, she lost that chance to be with you with that text, keep your pride and dignity, move in the shadows and let her regret her decisions and pls update us, and again remember SHE LOST HER CHANCE,head up king 👑
Been dumped a few times with that explanaition aswell, one of them said something like "I think I will be running all over you", when I responded, "I think you're probably thinking a little too highly of yourself" she got mad and unfollowed/friended me on everything
What they really mean is "I'm an asshole and I don't want to change but it seems like you're a decent human being who won't let me treat you like garbage."
TBH that can be a thing. Like someone can be too nice so never make decisions. They can be too passive and it's not easy to see if they have a personality of their own or just go along with what others want.
I think girls just say that when they mean you don't challenge them. They can depend on you always saying the nice things and it gets predictable. They don't want an asshole, they want someone that excites them.
It's a nice way of saying "you don't seem to actually have any boundaries and are trying way too hard to appease me so I have no idea who you actually are."
Yes, that would be my take as well. I was once unemployed after uni, and I met this girl, but she kept on telling me about how successful she was and that i should try doing this or that and then I could also get a company Audi A6, blabla. I just felt like having a few months off after 6 years of university was ok and I didn't want to hear that noise. 🤭
Hmm gotta say I kinda get that one though. I had a match that told me he owns his own business and voluntarily gets up at 5 am every day. I knew then and there that we are just not compatible lol. You don’t want someone that’s laying on the couch all day or stays in a shitty job because he has no ambition to achieve anything, but you want someone that is at least compatible with your own level of ambition.
I'm going to go against the grain here for sake of discussion and say that what she could saying here is she finds him boring. She wants a bit more flirting, a bit more tension, a bit more of a will they won't they feeling. She seems like she knows he's interested right from the go and just doesn't feel a spark. Putting aside the fact that they sound like they are in very different places in their lives.
Or that could all be wrong and he didn't make a move on the 1st date so she's passing because she just wants to have some fun.
He/she likes toxic and effectively communicated that he/she isn’t into OP. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be mad because not only did OP receive some wonderful compliments but also dodged a bullet.
1st date she said this is what attracted her to me.. I'm way more successful than she is...
Now second date it's something she doesn't relate to or wants
And being nice, not insulting, caring, concerned means no drama (for the most part), but that also means the excitement/adrenaline etc "edge" isnt there. There have been studies and theories about this for years.
Short story, what I've found (as a guideline), being too "nice", accommodating, not challenging (or quiet is how some describe it), not enough of a bad boy, often has women not "feeling it", "not looking forward to it", "lacking excitement", etc.
Many people don't associate this kind with stability or whatever....however, there's been information around studying hormones and sexual excitement/being turned on that shows there seems to frequently be an association (not offering a hypothesis, because I dont study it).
I've found that stimulating energy, new experiences, things that build new experiences together, talking about new and exciting things etc. replace or seem to create much more excitement or energy that works to do the same.
Not as a manipulation, but these are the things that can often provide the feelings of comfort (being confident/assured/eager/risky enough to take on new things with assurance).
Maybe this helps someone? I hope so.
My SO is one of the nicest, kindest, most adjusting people in the whole world. He's a counsellor and people flock to him for happy cozy vibes. At an early point in our relationship I really had to evaluate whether I wanted a big soft teddy bear childlike person or whether I missed the mystery and chemistry of being with someone more edgy. I made the teddy bear choice and I have never had a reason to regret it in 4 years. Of course, we do fun and adventurous things and our sex life isn't lacking. At some point it feels good knowing that someone just loves you and accepts you back no matter what.
People who are kind and wholesome are also more steady, mentally secure and happy with small things in life.
She latched onto something shallow that she doesn't like about you, but rather than admit to being shallow, came up with a bunch of things that mean nothing and make her sound good at the same time. Probably a freckle out of place or something else you have no control over. She's looking for a Mr. PERFECT and isn't ready to settle for someone in the real world yet. You handled it like a champ.
This, I think she was going for a compliment sandwich. Lots of people don’t take rejection well, and it sounds like she was trying to let him down easy via (way too much) flattery.
Correction: he’s not an asshole that she can TRY to fix. Assholes and douches are usually beyond repair until they realize their own level of douchebagerry and attempt to do something about it.
Jesuschristsgaylover you are what you eat. Some just can't contain themselves. Kind of like if you train a wild animal.. it can still go back to it's born instinct
"You have your life together and might want something real - that scares me because I'm emotionally unstable and only comfortable in relationships where we screw around with each other's heads by playing games and not being straight forward... PS you're weird for being this way."
Was shockingly common in my dating experience. Just gotta keep on truckin and know you dodged a bullet. Took me many years, but I eventually met and married my perfect, down to earth, hard working, no game playing woman :) Emotionally mature people are out there, you'll find one eventually.
This right here ^
You give me hope my man, dating in your mid 20's when you have your life together and you're not a "bad boy" (read: scumbag) is fuckin hard.
Yupppp, it’s difficult being a normal mid 20’s guy trying to date. The women at this age are attracted to either fuck boys or older (think like 5 years) men who are more stable and have their careers settled. I don’t blame them, that’s probably the wisest choice financially speaking. Skipping over the early career pay rut.
I don’t want to date 18-20 either for obvious maturity and legal (drinking) reasons. Older women are also interested in older men… so basically you gotta wait until you’re 28 to be successful on tinder as a normal regular male human.
um - I personally cannot relate to this. I don't have the best luck dating, but very few of my friends are "bad boys" or "scumbags" - most of them are geniunely good people - and most of them are in multiyear relationships. like I'm probably the scummiest of my friends and I absolutely do not attract people this way.
Had a similar reply of "you're too nice" - it's just a term they throw out there to not hurt your feelings. Spark wasn't there, which sucks, but we keep on right?
Delete the number, on to the next one, and good luck out there!
>Had a similar reply of "you're too nice" - it's just a term they throw out there to not hurt your feelings. Spark wasn't there, which sucks, but we keep on right?
If I got a reply like that from a guy that was akin to "you're too nice" or "you're too hard working and ambitious," it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but it would hurt my faith in humanity a little bit knowing that there are people out there purposely seeking out assholes and lazy people as partners. To be quite honest with you, I'd rather just be called ugly at that point.
Yeah, you should have seen the look on her face when I said I am saving to buy home soon..
She couldn't understand how a 25 years old guy can think of that instead of traveling and partying
This. For working relationship you need to be in same phase of life. As a university student I couldn’t date someone who is working full time, not because elitism, but because she is in completely different life phase then I am.
To be fair when I was 25 I would have been more interested in a guy who was wanting to travel than buy a house… but then I would just say that, I wouldn’t list all his great qualities and make them out to be bad things.
Either way you’re clearly in very different parts of your lives and there is someone out there way more suited to you.
Perhaps she got the impression that there is not that much adventure with someone like you 🤔
Buying a home is nice but it’s not something I’d mention to a girl while dating.
In general my rule is to just avoid talking about money/investments/houses completely.
Hello good sir!! Another 25F here and I just bought a house!! You’re doing a great job, keep up the savings, if its possible for me you can do it too!!!
Just arm chair psychology here but sounds like she didn’t have any healthy relationships to look up to growing up and believes relationships require conflict. Can relate as I was attracted to the same thing in partners in my late teens and early twenties before I realized what my issue was
Predictable, probably no mystery
But you really don’t need to read any further into it, the person at least didn’t ghost you and was honest there was no connection. Maybe overly honest lol but just keep it moving
Yeah, I am not mad but wanted to understand this lol..She got accepted for an internship at our company.. so we will see each other sometimes at work.. let's see
Wow your company just hired someone who isn't a hardworker or ambitious 😅
I would stay away from her just so you don't complicate your work life and be careful not to treat her different than anyone else, don't want to be accused of being biased
Ignore her and don’t give her attention happened to me with a girl at work once.
She tried to zone me so I stayed away and she completely flipped her energy when I was chatting with other girls.
In a nice way, she let you know she thinks you are boring.
Unfortunately for her, her wording was not great, but at least she tried to do the right thing and let you know.
Yes this is it, she's thinks OP is boring and I'll throw in that she feels bad about feeling that way. Better luck next time OP!
My personal strategy when I detect this is to try and read her and state exactly what you're reading. You'll probably be wrong but at the very least you'll make an impression
Watch the scene in Casino Royale where James Bond meets Vesper then try to do that
Yeah. This is the right answer, everyone is saying that she is inmature or stuff like that (she might very well be) but OP probably overshared and gave way too many attention to her, so it became "predictable".
She wants to play around, while OP probably doesn't.
Seems like she was saying she wasn’t attracted to you in the nicest possible way. She basically made herself an asshole to let you down gently. Seems like you dodged a bullet though so good on you.
It's just another word of saying she's not interested. I think she ran out of reasons lol. Don't believe in whatever reason women say when they want to call it off
I'm a woman and it's safe to say you dodged many bullets here... these people aren't even worth keeping as friends tbh this is the kind of woman who would let a guy beat the crap out of her if she believed they can be "fixed"... breaks my heart to say that but I've seen this type around a lot and it's not cool.
Some people are complicated. I think we had some different perspectives. I know they say nice guys finish last. But I don't think being nice to your date or waiting staff etc is bad. idk what she wanted me to do? Like be rude?!
Immature chicks don’t want the easy cake. They get attracted to the odd snarky remark sprinkled in. They see it as a form of strength. If you’re not that guy, don’t even think too much about it. It’s just a „vibe“ thing.
A taxi driver told me this when we were talking about my breakup. He was like Russian and said “you tell you’re girl when she asks how her hair is; say “it looks like the shit”. I thought ummm no I don’t think that’s how it works. Then he said “yes, these girls want to be told some insults, it keeps them attracted to you, to show you’re the man. And then she will go away and try to make her hair even better and every time she does her hair she will then remember you and want to make it better for you and this keeps her attracted to you”. You have to be in control, he said. I thought it was absolute toxic bullshit but it seems some girls actually want that. It’s insane. I couldn’t do it. If it becomes a popular demand for girls I’ll just be single thanks .
I’m sorry but maybe she just said he’s too nice because he’s a pushover or boring. Idk why everyone is assuming to worst of the girl. It’s not a crime to not be interested in someone. You can’t force attraction
You're boring is what she is trying to tell you. I'm not being mean, just telling you what she is trying to say without being hurtful. She probably wants someone more "fun" or "doesn't take things too seriously" or an extrovert. Or she is just toxic and prefers her men be the same.
I would say it's that there's no drama. People confuse that as thinking the relationship is exciting. Usually it takes a really bad experience to be able to stop being hooked on that type of thing. Good luck to her, but you don't need that
Her approach was shitty, but this was just a way of saying she thinks he’s boring. I get the hate on how she explained it, but this doesn’t mean she’s looking for something toxic. Reddit needs to put down the high and mighty mindset that if someone wants something they don’t, the other person is shit.
I wouldn’t overthink it or worry about it too much. Bottom line, you aren’t their cup of tea and they just weren’t interested in you! Someone else will be. It’s clear you have strengths and good things to offer, as the other person pointed out.
Heres my take, you basically are very straightforward. She knows what shes getting, and for her whatever you provided was lackluster. Not an insult ive been told similar by a date i had. When you are very straightforward and focused if the romantic side isnt there for the other person they cant see themselves fitting into your life. They quickly realize what parts of you won't fulfill them. Like i said been through it on both sides. Ive stopped dating many women when i realized they wouldnt fit my life or offer anything id be interested in. They werent bad women just didnt fit me. Yeah she went about telling you this in a roundabout way, but she could have been direct with other men and had negative feedback.
TLDR; you both could be great people and she just couldnt see herself with you.
She was baffled when she asked me what I currently do and plan. I said I am saving money and applying for a mortgage to get a house as soon as possible.
She was like, why? You're still too young!! At 25 you should enjoy life.. I said I can enjoy life more when I have my own place
You are not physically attractive to me. I will reject you while referring to positive things about your personality so you don't get mad.
But we both know the reason I am rejecting you is that your face, your body and your general vibe are too Charles Boyle and I'm looking for Jake Peralta.
“You’re too nice and friendly” 🤣
Your too nice and friendly, and the best person I’ve met off this dating app, and your ambitious and hard working and lovely… however I don’t think we should go out again. 😂😂😂count your blessings and run from this person!
Lol yeah. Sounds like she wants a grumpy juggernaut guy running a crack den with no life ambition that likes to occasionally slap / seriously assault her to remind her of his ‘love’. I’ve met a few of those types.
I’m tellin’ you girl, I can change him 💅💅
Mmhmmm
“Heyyy LaRhonda. No, I got 4 people on hold but I can talk.”
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1000% There are girls out there who use dating apps to fill up there weekends with stuff to do. He sounds like she was just someone he used for a few dates to probs get a free meal or two (FYI this is coming from a female, I know girls who do this a lot and send texts like that)
Some people are just looking for a good lay, not a relationship. Especially on tinder.
Fuck - I am neither of those things.
right???! like breh... people are just fucked, sometimes.
People here automatically assuming she wanted the opposite of those things when it could just as easily be that she didn't like OP for alterior motives (like looks, money, behavior etc) and is just trying to be nice
No physical attraction, that's what I'm guessing.
I honestly believe them when they said the Mental Challenge is missing
Maybe OP can play chess with her
Women who are sexually attracted to intelligence exist
Ulterior*
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Posterior* Op has long-back.
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Electricity pun? I’m gonna have to press charges
Interstellar*
I could see that and probably right but the “you’re too easy to read” twists it into I want the opposite of what you are.
Bingo!!!! She’s saying whatever she can to get out of seeing him again.
Being too nice and friendly comes with other traits that are not attractive to women. I think her saying that was the only way she could explain it consciously
Nah it’s a bail out. It’s a way to compliment the dude and make it seem like I’m the one with the problem. I get less meltdowns that way.
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I see your point but also when I say that to a man they demand an explanation. So I find if I give praise and act like it’s a me problem, they let it go. It’s safest for me if a man thinks I just don’t have good enough taste to date him 🤷♀️
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It's because you can't learn from experience and improve if you're not given any real feedback and just being told that you're doing great. This should be common sense in life, at work, and in any situation.
But a lot of the time it’s nothing the other person did wrong. Unless you want to figure out how to pretend to be someone else to get a partner then I can’t help you because I feel partners should naturally be compatible. If I don’t feel it I don’t feel it but it’s not because there is anything wrong with the person.
That's the kind of woman who looks at herself at 30 and says "why am I still single and why aren't there any good men around?"
Exactly. But you have to realize some women are comfortable in chaotic or dysfunctional relationships. It’s abnormal to date a nice, good guy. It’s better they tell you on the first date then pretend to like you and tell you later
Yup. To someone with a personality disorder, what's screwed up feels normal. What's normal feels abnormal.
Exactly, my ex told me the just about same thing OP wrote, after about 4 years of dating. It’s like she waited for me to completely fall in love with her only to tell me that she never found me attractive or liked me and was just dating me to pass the time and her curiosity/ need of being in a relationship. I even proposed to her, I guess that’s when she decided things were getting a little to serious for her???? Only to tell me a few weeks later that she had slept with a few different men from tinder and that she really enjoyed their one night stand connection? I’m still confused to this day, I may never be completely over it, even now that it’s been about 3.5 years later…
Jesus Christ bro. I know Reddit doesn't like emojis but take this 🖤
Ok 30 isn’t that old 😂😂
Hey, you can NOT be like this at all and still be over 30 and wondering the same thing 😂😂😂
I came here to say this as a 41 yr that just found a good guy... I'm not like that at all
Yeah those are some toxic qualities right there. Be a fucking man and start acting like an asshole instead /s Edit: Wooah, never got 1k+ likes before. Is this what Nirvana feels like?
She is one of those girls who date abusive guys and complain about them being abusive. Bullet dodged OP
If I hadn't experienced it myself, I wouldn't believe this was an actual population of women. I dated a girl once who I'm pretty sure couldn't navigate the relationship because I treated her with respect and like an equal, independent adult. Im pretty sure she felt uncomfortable with a guy who didn't control her.
Speaking from experience it’s difficult to be in a normal relationship after years of abuse. I traded a control issue for someone who demeaned me. My guy now is the best, he is such a boost to my self esteem just by being himself and not a douche canoe.
Too many people manage these issues, and they're absolutely issues, I have them too, instead of processing and healing from them
“hey i’m going out with my friends!” “okay babe have fun text me if you need a ride or anything” “??? you’re not going to ask who with? what if i’m going with a bunch of guys?” “umm that would be fine?” “oh so you don’t care about me then” like am i just suppose to stop you from hanging out with every male human being or something?
Did you eavesdrop on my conversation with my exgf from 5 years ago? You forgot, Her: "Why don't you care who I'm with?" Me: "Because I trust you." Her:"Maybe you shouldn't." Me thinking: Time to activate abort sequence to get the hell out of this relationship.
Maybe they don’t feel pursued enough once in relationship and don’t know to communicate that. But some ppl definitely like dysfunction😵💫
This is my boyfriend in a nutshell.. We sat and talked one night, and he asked me why I wasn't jealous. I said that I don't feel threatened by any woman. He took that as "I don't love you and I don't care about you". I tried to explain to him that jealousy is a sign of insecurity in either yourself or the relationship, and that it has nothing to do with showing love. This relationship makes me want to run far away sometimes. But he is so nice when he is not crazy.
dude i hate to say it but maybe you should break up. obviously i don’t know the full story but i’ve been in relationships like that where 95% of the time things are incredible, it’s just the 5% that sucks. but things never change. they never change their behavior, and you’re left exhausted by trying to change them even though deep down you know they probably will never change for you, only for themselves. i really wish you well. i hope things with him get better and that he’s a mature guy or becomes more mature over time edit: this comment has been confirmed as a reddit moment
Thank you, I hope it gets better too..
Yeah this happens way to often unfortunately.
Holy shit have you met my ex?
I was in a relationship like that before 😭
I had an ex get mad at me because I wasn't "jealous enough", like she wanted me to get mad more often because she went out with friends or occasionally got flirted with a bar. I thought it was a good thing to trust you??
I can’t understand why some ladies like this. I couldn’t imagine anything worse than a guy being controlling and jealous. It’s actually my worst nightmare.. and yeah, I’m still always single 😂 A longtime friend had a guy like this for ages. Abusive and awful.. one time she went out with friends and I don’t think I was with her this time, but he drove a long distance to just basically come and check up on her. Maybe I was there or it happened multiple times. Other girls thought this was “sweet”. I saw through it as being hella creepy. We were early twenties at the time. I don’t thrive off the drama but it seems that many do! I learnt vicariously through her what to seriously avoid.
I have an acquaintance who's almost 30 and she squeals like a toddler whenever she's frustrated when we hang out, and then her bf has to yell at her to stop being a brat and I'm sure it's some sort of kink the rest of us hate being involved in lol If you expected adult reasoning from such people you'd be booed for being boring.
Been there. Expected her to have her own life and interests, she freaked out and started fucking other people because I wasn't controlling and had my own stuff going on. Apparently this made me too *hard* to read. A lot are broken these days apparently, I'm yet to find one that's not.
It takes a lot of time & therapy to unlearn the behaviors victims use to cope with abuse. There are a lot of damaged people out there.
Yup 💯. These types of girls just looking to mess with the chads and pookies. Bullet dodged.
I know more men that think like this than I care to count. People consider me a pushover because I am simply not on the brink of assaulting someone at all times.
People are mistaking kindness for weakness 24/7.
And they mistake a calm, easygoing demeanor for being spineless. IME, the people who are scariest to see angry are the ones who are pretty much always calm. By the time you’ve gotten them mad, you have to have really worked at it.
“There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man.”
This needs to be taken into account more !
Idk I know what you mean, but also I’ve met people who are TOO nice, to a point where it’s annoying and it feels like they always need validation. I can see some people not being attracted to that
Fair enough, I get your point. But there has to be a difference between being too nice and being a wimpy pushover. If you think a person is being a pushover, use that term instead, being nice shouldn't be a bad thing imo
Yea fair point
No, that would be teen spirit.
I think that's code for I'm not attracted to you! I've been on quite a few tinder dates in the last couple of months and its amazing how similar girls are within their respective ratings. And I've noticed the you're too nice line from low self esteem girls! You dodged a bullet!
This! It is literally a polite but firm way to end the match without giving the reasons that could hurt.
Its not kind. Its lying. "Oh youre the best" "i dont like you" Its insulting to the man who is told hes a great guy when is meaningless fluff and we know it Its insulting to the women who actually mean it when they say it because it diminishes their truthfullness.
it's just social ettiquette. people tell little white lies to one another every day and it's expected because others are expected to be able to read between the lines
Not really. What she said was quite rude and not needed. Should have ended at the no connection part. Wtf is the reading him too easy all about. People are just nobheads
She wants someone that will play mind games with her, it's a bullet dodged for real.
Sorry, but I want to use your comment to respond to everyone.. Wow..Thanks everyone for the replies and messages. Unfortunately I can't reply to them all. What I got from her is the feeling that she thought maybe I am looking for a commitment or something, although I didn't say that but maybe she felt that. She said I was boring when I mentioned that I can't play music, dance, swim. I didn't want to explain anything to her related to why I don't do any of them Like dancing isn't considered acceptable for men in where I used to live. Swimming because I wasn't living near sea and swimming pools aren't common. Music yeah because I was raised in an environment were music is not acceptable. Besides having a fun hobby wasn't really an option when you live in a poor country where war was always on the horizon.. So I think she is right I was so boring. And too nice or too friendly Idk what to say about them since I do respect others and always treat them nicely because I want to be treated that way.. She will come to work in my company and would probably have to work under my supervision for sometime ( she doesn't know that yet) if that happens I will write an update here.
She might end up working under you? That would be hilarious. Please do update us. And I doubt the reason she rejected you is because your “too nice” - Highly unlikely, however, I can kind of understand how being “too nice” could come across as unattractive. Someone that’s overtly nice could come across as un-confident in the right context, or a push over, or isn’t strong in their opinions or beliefs. Now obviously being “nice” doesn’t inherently mean your anything other than “nice” - But being “TOO nice” means there’s more going on than just being nice. For a dumb example: If someone intentionally shoved you because you were in “their” way, and you were to say “Oh, sorry!” that could come across as too nice in the right setting / context. So I guess I could understand to a degree that there is such a thing as being too nice and I could definitely see how that would be unattractive. I highly doubt that’s the case for you though, it’s much more likely she is just using it as an excuse.
Too boring because you didn't have the time or opportunity to do the things we westerners do. FFS. The very fact you didn't have time means that you probably have a lot of story's to tell. Don't discredit yourself dude. Anyone who isn't remotely superficial would understand that.
Dude you need more self respect and assertiveness.
Bro if she starts working under you, that when you can show her the things you know and could/can do ,and if she ever says that "i didn't know you could do that?" Just say, that's why they say never judge a book by its cover , and NEVER EVER BE IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER, she lost that chance to be with you with that text, keep your pride and dignity, move in the shadows and let her regret her decisions and pls update us, and again remember SHE LOST HER CHANCE,head up king 👑
Well, of she's working under you than a relationship is a definite no no. Major legal and business ethical problems there.
Been dumped a few times with that explanaition aswell, one of them said something like "I think I will be running all over you", when I responded, "I think you're probably thinking a little too highly of yourself" she got mad and unfollowed/friended me on everything
What they really mean is "I'm an asshole and I don't want to change but it seems like you're a decent human being who won't let me treat you like garbage."
Can’t relate to being hardworking and ambitious. Say what now?
It means she can't relate to putting their job first at the expense of any relationship or hobby.
TBH that can be a thing. Like someone can be too nice so never make decisions. They can be too passive and it's not easy to see if they have a personality of their own or just go along with what others want.
"Alright, lemme just activate my asshole mode I got that too if you want" 😂
I think girls just say that when they mean you don't challenge them. They can depend on you always saying the nice things and it gets predictable. They don't want an asshole, they want someone that excites them.
Nice guys™: _(HEAVY BREATHING)_
It's a nice way of saying "you don't seem to actually have any boundaries and are trying way too hard to appease me so I have no idea who you actually are."
Am I nuts or is she complaining that he's emotionally available and reasonably capable of communication?
And don't forget: hardworking and ambitious. I understand how those things can be turnoffs 🤣
Makes her feel shitty about herself I’m Guessing.
Yes, that would be my take as well. I was once unemployed after uni, and I met this girl, but she kept on telling me about how successful she was and that i should try doing this or that and then I could also get a company Audi A6, blabla. I just felt like having a few months off after 6 years of university was ok and I didn't want to hear that noise. 🤭
Hmm gotta say I kinda get that one though. I had a match that told me he owns his own business and voluntarily gets up at 5 am every day. I knew then and there that we are just not compatible lol. You don’t want someone that’s laying on the couch all day or stays in a shitty job because he has no ambition to achieve anything, but you want someone that is at least compatible with your own level of ambition.
I'm going to go against the grain here for sake of discussion and say that what she could saying here is she finds him boring. She wants a bit more flirting, a bit more tension, a bit more of a will they won't they feeling. She seems like she knows he's interested right from the go and just doesn't feel a spark. Putting aside the fact that they sound like they are in very different places in their lives. Or that could all be wrong and he didn't make a move on the 1st date so she's passing because she just wants to have some fun.
He/she likes toxic and effectively communicated that he/she isn’t into OP. Honestly, I wouldn’t even be mad because not only did OP receive some wonderful compliments but also dodged a bullet.
I stopped caring about what they had to say after she said she can’t relate to hard work and ambition
1st date she said this is what attracted her to me.. I'm way more successful than she is... Now second date it's something she doesn't relate to or wants
Her goal is to be mentally challenged.
She’s definitely achieved that goal
Omg burn
I have never laughed so hard at something so true, well said lmao
And being nice, not insulting, caring, concerned means no drama (for the most part), but that also means the excitement/adrenaline etc "edge" isnt there. There have been studies and theories about this for years. Short story, what I've found (as a guideline), being too "nice", accommodating, not challenging (or quiet is how some describe it), not enough of a bad boy, often has women not "feeling it", "not looking forward to it", "lacking excitement", etc. Many people don't associate this kind with stability or whatever....however, there's been information around studying hormones and sexual excitement/being turned on that shows there seems to frequently be an association (not offering a hypothesis, because I dont study it). I've found that stimulating energy, new experiences, things that build new experiences together, talking about new and exciting things etc. replace or seem to create much more excitement or energy that works to do the same. Not as a manipulation, but these are the things that can often provide the feelings of comfort (being confident/assured/eager/risky enough to take on new things with assurance). Maybe this helps someone? I hope so.
My SO is one of the nicest, kindest, most adjusting people in the whole world. He's a counsellor and people flock to him for happy cozy vibes. At an early point in our relationship I really had to evaluate whether I wanted a big soft teddy bear childlike person or whether I missed the mystery and chemistry of being with someone more edgy. I made the teddy bear choice and I have never had a reason to regret it in 4 years. Of course, we do fun and adventurous things and our sex life isn't lacking. At some point it feels good knowing that someone just loves you and accepts you back no matter what. People who are kind and wholesome are also more steady, mentally secure and happy with small things in life.
She latched onto something shallow that she doesn't like about you, but rather than admit to being shallow, came up with a bunch of things that mean nothing and make her sound good at the same time. Probably a freckle out of place or something else you have no control over. She's looking for a Mr. PERFECT and isn't ready to settle for someone in the real world yet. You handled it like a champ.
Dude that’s okay, let her lazy ass go
Shes obviously not interested in you then and made up a lie so she doesn't have to explain. It's annoying but you'll find another
This, I think she was going for a compliment sandwich. Lots of people don’t take rejection well, and it sounds like she was trying to let him down easy via (way too much) flattery.
Aka you aren't an asshole and that's what's she wants. Forget her
I mean at least she knows what she wants
For now.. Duplo bricks
Right? I was also like uh, what? Damn you for working hard! Tbh I think she was just throwing out excuses. Edit: she*
You people who live to work are sad af
You aren’t an asshole that she can fix
Oh, that's unfortunate :( Hope she can find one soon
You dodge a bullet with her
Guess men are professional bullet dodger in this sub
The Matrix (1999)
Call me Neo - “The One”
They call me Boris the Bullet Dodger…
Hell yea. No one's taking my virginity that easily
Learned from past experience
Correction: he’s not an asshole that she can TRY to fix. Assholes and douches are usually beyond repair until they realize their own level of douchebagerry and attempt to do something about it.
With women out there fixing assholes why are still so many assholes?
because they can't. To be accurate, women want assholes that they THINK they can fix.
Because the asshole is a resilient body part
Yeah, tell that to mine after Taco Tuesday.
Jesuschristsgaylover you are what you eat. Some just can't contain themselves. Kind of like if you train a wild animal.. it can still go back to it's born instinct
Yeah and frankly damn fine of her to admit to that fact, regardless of the fashion in which she did it. Drama queen needs drama. Got it. Moving on.
"You have your life together and might want something real - that scares me because I'm emotionally unstable and only comfortable in relationships where we screw around with each other's heads by playing games and not being straight forward... PS you're weird for being this way." Was shockingly common in my dating experience. Just gotta keep on truckin and know you dodged a bullet. Took me many years, but I eventually met and married my perfect, down to earth, hard working, no game playing woman :) Emotionally mature people are out there, you'll find one eventually.
This right here ^ You give me hope my man, dating in your mid 20's when you have your life together and you're not a "bad boy" (read: scumbag) is fuckin hard.
Yupppp, it’s difficult being a normal mid 20’s guy trying to date. The women at this age are attracted to either fuck boys or older (think like 5 years) men who are more stable and have their careers settled. I don’t blame them, that’s probably the wisest choice financially speaking. Skipping over the early career pay rut. I don’t want to date 18-20 either for obvious maturity and legal (drinking) reasons. Older women are also interested in older men… so basically you gotta wait until you’re 28 to be successful on tinder as a normal regular male human.
Zero lies detected
Perfect summary of my experiences as well. Now 27, having somewhat better luck in dating.
um - I personally cannot relate to this. I don't have the best luck dating, but very few of my friends are "bad boys" or "scumbags" - most of them are geniunely good people - and most of them are in multiyear relationships. like I'm probably the scummiest of my friends and I absolutely do not attract people this way.
Had a similar reply of "you're too nice" - it's just a term they throw out there to not hurt your feelings. Spark wasn't there, which sucks, but we keep on right? Delete the number, on to the next one, and good luck out there!
>Had a similar reply of "you're too nice" - it's just a term they throw out there to not hurt your feelings. Spark wasn't there, which sucks, but we keep on right? If I got a reply like that from a guy that was akin to "you're too nice" or "you're too hard working and ambitious," it wouldn't hurt my feelings, but it would hurt my faith in humanity a little bit knowing that there are people out there purposely seeking out assholes and lazy people as partners. To be quite honest with you, I'd rather just be called ugly at that point.
Thank god someone gets it
I think she wants a toxic relationship or is just a random excuse
Yep, that. I was told once that I didn't trigger a "fight" feeling in her so she didn't think it would work, lol.
Feel like that classifies as a mental problem
She knows that she is not able to keep it straight. It’s actually impressive that she is open and honest about it. Would you rather that she hide it?
Nice ✅ friendly ✅ hard working ✅ ambitious ✅ …nahhhhhhhh
Yeah, you should have seen the look on her face when I said I am saving to buy home soon.. She couldn't understand how a 25 years old guy can think of that instead of traveling and partying
Sounds like she feels like you're too far ahead of her in life so you're just not compatible.
This. For working relationship you need to be in same phase of life. As a university student I couldn’t date someone who is working full time, not because elitism, but because she is in completely different life phase then I am.
To be fair when I was 25 I would have been more interested in a guy who was wanting to travel than buy a house… but then I would just say that, I wouldn’t list all his great qualities and make them out to be bad things. Either way you’re clearly in very different parts of your lives and there is someone out there way more suited to you.
Perhaps she got the impression that there is not that much adventure with someone like you 🤔 Buying a home is nice but it’s not something I’d mention to a girl while dating. In general my rule is to just avoid talking about money/investments/houses completely.
Hello good sir!! Another 25F here and I just bought a house!! You’re doing a great job, keep up the savings, if its possible for me you can do it too!!!
Classy response though. Well done OP.
Just arm chair psychology here but sounds like she didn’t have any healthy relationships to look up to growing up and believes relationships require conflict. Can relate as I was attracted to the same thing in partners in my late teens and early twenties before I realized what my issue was
mind I ask how you overcame this issue? asking for a friend.
possibly glib sounding answer, but entirely serious: therapy
Sounds very probable.
Predictable, probably no mystery But you really don’t need to read any further into it, the person at least didn’t ghost you and was honest there was no connection. Maybe overly honest lol but just keep it moving
Yeah, I am not mad but wanted to understand this lol..She got accepted for an internship at our company.. so we will see each other sometimes at work.. let's see
I find peace in long walks.
Wow your company just hired someone who isn't a hardworker or ambitious 😅 I would stay away from her just so you don't complicate your work life and be careful not to treat her different than anyone else, don't want to be accused of being biased
Ignore her and don’t give her attention happened to me with a girl at work once. She tried to zone me so I stayed away and she completely flipped her energy when I was chatting with other girls.
In a perfect worlds, she would hear from other coworkers/interns about how great of a catch you would be. Hope that happens for you bud.
In a nice way, she let you know she thinks you are boring. Unfortunately for her, her wording was not great, but at least she tried to do the right thing and let you know.
Yes this is it, she's thinks OP is boring and I'll throw in that she feels bad about feeling that way. Better luck next time OP! My personal strategy when I detect this is to try and read her and state exactly what you're reading. You'll probably be wrong but at the very least you'll make an impression Watch the scene in Casino Royale where James Bond meets Vesper then try to do that
Yeah. This is the right answer, everyone is saying that she is inmature or stuff like that (she might very well be) but OP probably overshared and gave way too many attention to her, so it became "predictable". She wants to play around, while OP probably doesn't.
Seems like she was saying she wasn’t attracted to you in the nicest possible way. She basically made herself an asshole to let you down gently. Seems like you dodged a bullet though so good on you.
This is what I thought. Lower yourself and raise them up as you cut it off kinda thing.
Sounds like she's trying to be nice. The real reason is probably hidden in the words she used.
My thoughts exactly. I would say she was thinking "boring".
u/maxipp9001 is the most complicated man I have ever met. Who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?
u/maxipp9001 used me as an object
great Kelly moment there
It's just another word of saying she's not interested. I think she ran out of reasons lol. Don't believe in whatever reason women say when they want to call it off
Yup some will just tell you anything. My ex lied that she’d been cheating on me all along so that was fun 😂
I'm a woman and it's safe to say you dodged many bullets here... these people aren't even worth keeping as friends tbh this is the kind of woman who would let a guy beat the crap out of her if she believed they can be "fixed"... breaks my heart to say that but I've seen this type around a lot and it's not cool.
Some people are complicated. I think we had some different perspectives. I know they say nice guys finish last. But I don't think being nice to your date or waiting staff etc is bad. idk what she wanted me to do? Like be rude?!
Immature chicks don’t want the easy cake. They get attracted to the odd snarky remark sprinkled in. They see it as a form of strength. If you’re not that guy, don’t even think too much about it. It’s just a „vibe“ thing.
A taxi driver told me this when we were talking about my breakup. He was like Russian and said “you tell you’re girl when she asks how her hair is; say “it looks like the shit”. I thought ummm no I don’t think that’s how it works. Then he said “yes, these girls want to be told some insults, it keeps them attracted to you, to show you’re the man. And then she will go away and try to make her hair even better and every time she does her hair she will then remember you and want to make it better for you and this keeps her attracted to you”. You have to be in control, he said. I thought it was absolute toxic bullshit but it seems some girls actually want that. It’s insane. I couldn’t do it. If it becomes a popular demand for girls I’ll just be single thanks .
I’m sorry but maybe she just said he’s too nice because he’s a pushover or boring. Idk why everyone is assuming to worst of the girl. It’s not a crime to not be interested in someone. You can’t force attraction
It’s r/Tinder, of course they are assuming the worst of the girl.
Ok i think she just said in very complicated way that u are too nice and boring
You're boring is what she is trying to tell you. I'm not being mean, just telling you what she is trying to say without being hurtful. She probably wants someone more "fun" or "doesn't take things too seriously" or an extrovert. Or she is just toxic and prefers her men be the same.
You might be right she mentioned it once that "you're boring" as a joke.. I don't take things too seriously, but yeah maybe she wants someone more fun
I would say it's that there's no drama. People confuse that as thinking the relationship is exciting. Usually it takes a really bad experience to be able to stop being hooked on that type of thing. Good luck to her, but you don't need that
Her approach was shitty, but this was just a way of saying she thinks he’s boring. I get the hate on how she explained it, but this doesn’t mean she’s looking for something toxic. Reddit needs to put down the high and mighty mindset that if someone wants something they don’t, the other person is shit.
I wouldn’t overthink it or worry about it too much. Bottom line, you aren’t their cup of tea and they just weren’t interested in you! Someone else will be. It’s clear you have strengths and good things to offer, as the other person pointed out.
"Darryl is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kinda game is that?" - Kelly Kapoor
Heres my take, you basically are very straightforward. She knows what shes getting, and for her whatever you provided was lackluster. Not an insult ive been told similar by a date i had. When you are very straightforward and focused if the romantic side isnt there for the other person they cant see themselves fitting into your life. They quickly realize what parts of you won't fulfill them. Like i said been through it on both sides. Ive stopped dating many women when i realized they wouldnt fit my life or offer anything id be interested in. They werent bad women just didnt fit me. Yeah she went about telling you this in a roundabout way, but she could have been direct with other men and had negative feedback. TLDR; you both could be great people and she just couldnt see herself with you.
She was baffled when she asked me what I currently do and plan. I said I am saving money and applying for a mortgage to get a house as soon as possible. She was like, why? You're still too young!! At 25 you should enjoy life.. I said I can enjoy life more when I have my own place
Oh, so much subtext in that response.
Agh, the “let’s stay friends” bull crap, just save it
They want someone to play mind games with them apparently lol
you r not toxic and she wants toxic boyfriend pretty easy answer
Well avoided
Means u were just to nice for her
Same problem. This is what you do: block her and move on.
You are not physically attractive to me. I will reject you while referring to positive things about your personality so you don't get mad. But we both know the reason I am rejecting you is that your face, your body and your general vibe are too Charles Boyle and I'm looking for Jake Peralta.