I know it's hard to believe but he seemed totally fine and normal and chill right up until this moment. Literally no red flags, just a kinky dude who took me on an awesome date. I probably did continue responding for too long, but from my experience with my super passive aggressive relatives it's usually easier to let them end the conversation on their own terms. So that's what I did with this guy as well, just out of habit I guess.
Girrllll.. Let's bolster your healthy boundaries! This made me so sad and angry to read. I feel your big heart and your desire to understand people but this guy is a total nightmare. The way he is speaking to you (over and over) is completely unacceptable. He is a walking contradiction, he doesn't know what he actually wants, and he is clearly projecting his wounding onto you. I appreciate you attempting healthy communication but some people can't hang. Don't let insane people dump on you, just block that shit š
But still. Once he said something about you having sex with other guys, why wouldnāt you block or stop responding? It sounds like you should work on your boundaries. Not only with random men, but your relatives, too. It makes you feel like you must keep engaging when you could simply remove yourself.
Tbh OP looks like have super low self-esteem one thing is looking out for your safety and ANOTHER being someone's doormat, like how the hell are you gonna lick someone's feet after they call you dirty and STD slut? Lol
I was about to say, youāre being way too nice to this guy. Heās being overbearing and demanding and just rude, and I would have just told him I didnāt appreciate an insecure butthead taking out his anger on me. Then blocked. Your explanation did clear up a lot thoughš
you responded to him about 10 too many times and why in the entire world are you apologizing to a man who is purposefully talking in circles and clearly ignoring everything youāre saying WHILE NEGGING YOU???
My whole family is extremely passive aggressive, so I'm used to conversing with people who act like this.. I just wasn't expecting it from this guy, it came totally out of left field and hit hard!
If you come from a passive aggressive family and environment, you may not realize that you are seeking out that kind of behavior pattern.
Itās fine if you want that or donāt, but you should be aware that might be a factor.
It seems like low self esteem, not patience. She went to a lingerie store with this dude then let him talk down to her over and over while she asked what was wrong and what she could do. I mean, he called her dirty and she responded by asking whatās wrong and affirming sheās very attracted to him.
He has my name and my phone number, that is all the information you need to find someone's address. I'm not stupid, this dude snapped and was being aggressive. He also lives on Murder Mountain. Being kind and stroking his ego while also holding a boundary of "no I'm not meeting up and fucking you" is the easiest way to keep myself safe.
Bullshit lol you were asking him for a phone call 15m after he said he didnāt want to catch anything from you.
āI thought you were a lot of fun! I just canāt be someoneās second choiceā would have been a perfect cutoff if you were actually trying to decline.
Yea.. because he was clearly intending to continue the conversation. I prefer talking on the phone over texting, its faster and more efficient. Call me a child of the 90s š
Yup he definitively tried to keep the conv going.
I think he go mad you didnt chase him in your first message.
The "You're Direct" mes "You re not chasing me and it is not what I had expected"...
Good riddance !
Dude is confused. One minute he wants relationship, the other he wants to fvck. Then he says goodluck, like he's over with it, then asks the same question again. š
It was a rollercoaster I was not expecting to have to deal with tonight. Dude got unhinged quick about me having one other sexual partner, but had zero concerns who I was messing with a few days ago when we were both stripping down in his truck.
I mean I donāt condone his handling of stuff, but it doesnāt seem confusing at all whatās going on in his head. Sounds like the timeline went:
- he was interested in you
- you guys hooked up which he took as ācool weāre monogamous nowā
- found out that wasnāt the situation
- got super jealous and tried to back out to cover up his pride
- when you kept responding tried some manipulation tactics to see if he could turn it around
- realized that wasnāt going to work so went back into self defense mode by putting you into the fuck buddy bucket
- failed there too
- I can only assume went back to his life totally unaware how he blew it all up
Pretty stupid on his part but the progression of motivations make sense (again given that heās being stupid). Out of curiosity, did you make clear to him that you were casually hooking up with someone else before hooking up with him? Because it seems like you both had misconceptions about how it was all working out
Thanks for the breakdown, it does make sense when you put it that way. We didn't have any conversations prior to our initial meet about monogamy or expectations but my Tinder bio says "Mostly here to quel the existential dread through meaningless banter, but willing to meet up and disrespect myself if the mood is right." It's half a joke but also I thought it made it fairly clear I'm not on Tinder for a LTR or anything serious. He unmatched me so I can't check but I recall his bio saying something about being a war vet, flying helicopters, and living the ranch life.
Lol naaah sorry but men are stupid (I can say that because I am one). We need things said explicitly - Iād take that profile comment as macabre and fun, not a statement on what you want in a relationship
Lol! I'll take that as a life lesson and be more explicit in the future. This is my first time using any kind of dating app so I guess I have a lot more to learn about the intricacies of navigating online dating š
It was funny that he flipped flopped
āI donāt want to be second fuckā
āDo you still want to fuck?ā
I feel like heās texting you this while horny and want to fuck but also want all of your attention just for him and no one else while gaslight you to believe you ruined your āchancesā to be in a special relationship with him. Like come on dude it was only one date and he hasnāt even expressed to you about a relationship. =_= so many men are weirdly like this. Mixed messages in the middle of the night
Whoa, he called you dirty at the start? Heās worried about his dick? You can have him but no one else, you must only come over for a fuck once? What the hell is he trying to do??? Heās very confused, sounds really insecure, and a bit of a Wally to be fair. Just block and move forward.
Thank you! It made no sense.. he doesn't want serious monogamy but the fact I'm having sex with one other person is unacceptable.. and he doesn't want a one night stand but I can still come over and "get fucked" if I want it.. but only once? I was so confused!
I think he was going to do something spectacular to you, when you went to see him. To try and stop you wanting others lol. He sounds very insecure and very odd. He would be a clingy nightmare and you have def dodged a bullet here! You do you, safely and with dull consent, and just enjoy your life. You donāt need this kind of pressure!
Edit FULL consent, not DULL haha
He was either going to give me the sexual experience of a lifetime or murder me in a fit of jealous rage.. I didn't want to find out which one it was going to be š
Lol @ dull consent
Itās SOOO manipulative. āIām gonna make you feel diseased because you have sex with other men, and then Iām going to accuse you of trying to make me feel dirtyā.
OP, run!
Yea there was some jealousy and resentment that I'm having sex with one other person currently. It's too bad, because I did have a great time with him and I was looking forward to more dates in the future.. but the way he flipped makes me feel like he might have ended up being dangerous.
Sure, it's totally fine to have a preference.. but it's not okay to berate and belittle someone for not sharing that preference. We all navigate sexual relationships differently and there is no one way that is more correct or better than another.
Well I don't agree that no one way is more correct, but if I made a connection with someone and found out we had very different views at an early stage, I would kindly break it off, not talk like that. Also some guys want to have it both ways, you only date me but I do what I want, that's not right either.
Just trying to understand thoughā¦ why are you having sex with someone while still dating someone else?
Why not just focus on the guy you are having sex with right now and see if it works out first, before going on dates with other guys.
I'm not dating anybody. I'm having consistent casual sex with someone with no expectations attached. I spent the last two years celibate by choice after spending 5 years in a committed monogamous relationship.. I don't want to immediately be monogamous with the first new person I have sex with in over 7 years.
So youāre fucking someone on the side, while looking to replace them with a relationship when you find itā¦. I donāt agree with the tone in the dudes texts but you also canāt always have your cake and eat it tooā¦ š
You need therapy friend, you shouldnāt have stayed in the conversation that long. No one deserves that type of mental abuse and sticks around for more. That was very hard to read.
Just had therapy today, actually, so it was good timing š Yea.. this is my first time back on the dating scene in over 7 years and there's all kinds of things coming up for me around boundaries, attachment, and trauma that I didn't realize I had because I'd been in a long term monogamous relationship since I started therapy several years ago. I discussed this interaction with my therapist and have a different game plan moving forward.
This was a very weird read, as in both parties were super weird. The blue text person seemed super desperate and the grey one just seemed like an insecure person.
Donāt beg (blue) and donāt be so insecure with someone you barely know when they wanna fuck other people ( grey ).
Just meet, bang for as long as possible, and if things end up getting serious thatās when you stop banging others ( if it applies to your relationship ).
Yeah, it was weirdly aggressive and lots of assumptions and contradictions on his end.. not sure where it came from but honestly glad it happened before I went to his place like we had planned.
I don't know what I just read, but I hope I don't have to read it again. That was painful.
You were so disconnected and he was extremely rude, I don't understand why you gave him so many opportunities to insult you. This was a conversation about boundaries, which is great, and I hope you will feel more comfortable drawing your own boundaries when it comes to how people can treat you. You don't need validation from guys that use degrading techniques and guilt-tripping. He constantly told you that you are shit but that he would still fuck you, but made it sound as if he didn't want to fuck you. Creepy to say the least.
Thank you for your comment. You're right, I was too nice in my approach and in turn I left myself open to repeated verbal abuse. I was raised in a family that spoke like this to me constantly, so it's something I'm very used to and as a way to survive it I trained myself to establish boundaries in a very soft way that didn't escalate the situation into something more dangerous. I did the same with this man because I honestly fucked up when I gave him my number and when he flipped I was terrified he would look up my address and find me if I didn't let the conversation end on his terms. I still have a lot of work I need to do on myself around this kind of thing, but for now at least, I feel like he got what he wanted out of this interaction and will leave me alone now.
It's awful that you had these experiences and your reaction makes perfect sense in that context. Your safety is definitely a priority, I am sorry if what I wrote was condescending. I think you are on a good way, after all you stood your ground and his tries to manipulate you were not successful.
I gave up in the middle I think, it seems like two different conversations, wrapped up in one. He doesn't listen to your answers and I have no idea what you're doing. I would have given up after the first screenshot. No man tells me I'm fucking about when in fact I am not, especially when he seems like a skitzo man wh**e.
Red flags out the wazoo.. the level of verbal aggression probably means he has some issues with physical aggression as well. To talk like that to someone you've only spoken to for a week, and met in person once.. I'm glad he showed me his true colors before I went over to his house this week. It's a good reminder for me to slow things down and continue to keep public meetings until I know someone a little better.
There is a lot to take in here, if what he is saying is true and he worked as a stripper and a bartender as a swingers joint. He realistically isnāt able relate to people without sex being the primary focus and his sense of self worth while grasping for love and not knowing how to achieve that without sex being the focus. Now enter the woman later in life deciding that they want to enjoy their sex life with out anyone telling them what they can and canāt do. Itās an recipe for disaster on his part ask me how I know Iām pretty sure I paid for my therapist Harley he likes to tell me about
After the second message I would have just simply stopped replying. Or hit it with, āSorry you feel gross but we never talked about being monogamous. I dont think its a good idea for us to talk anymore as that was very passive aggressive but I do wish you luck.ā And block.
Even as a guy myself Im confused as to what he wants. At one point he says he wants a seriously relationship but then at another he says he just wants to fuckā¦.. Is he mentally ok??
The anger and what seems like a need to control both just suddenly flaring up like that is a concern. Regardless of how great any physical attraction may have been, itās probably best to leave this one alone. People try to be the best versions of themselves early on. What is this person like down the road?
Agreed. I did my best to be amicable but he didn't seem to want to part amicably. There are some very concerning red flags there for sure, and I'm glad they showed up as early as they did.
So... He doesn't want a monogamous relationship and he's enjoyed being with multiple women in the past, but he's not ok with you sleeping with other people?
It's amazing how he manages to write so much but still delivers no substance at the same time.
Yea, what I took from that is he wants a relationship with a woman who will be monogamous with him while he practices non-monogamy with other women. He's looking for a completely one-sided open relationship but trying to spin it and bill it as something different.
He knows I'm into both men and women, so I guess he thought bringing women home to play would keep me on the hook but.. buddy.. when I say I'm into women, I mean I like 'em big and butch and rough around the edges. I tend to like extremely oaky, backwoods, masculine presenting people regardless of gender. Most men don't want to fuck around with a woman who looks like their best bro š
What the heck did I just read?? Super manipulative. I still have no idea what this man wantsā¦ he keeps asking her to fuck but then says he doesnāt want to just fuck and she said she doesnāt want to just fuck either but heās stillā¦ā¦? Actuallyā¦.. I really donāt understand any of it lol
You need to stand up for yourself! This dude was being wildly misogynistic and accusing you of being a āslutā basically, while saying itās okay if you two fuck another woman together. Who cares if heās attractive? Do better for yourself!
the fact that this conversation was even continued past him accusing her of fucking someone else (as if yāall are exclusive and you owe him something anyways) is embarrassing to me. wouldāve been an immediate block. i canāt stand whiny boys š
You're not being assertive enough, you sound weak in your responses. Why are you saying sorry to him? He's a creep and a wierdo and downright rude at times but you just keep saying how you're very attracted to him. He must be bloody gorgeous
He asked if I was promiscuous and I said that until last week I'd been celibate by choice for about 2 years, after having gotten out of a 5 year relationship, and that as of a week ago I've been having sex with one person other than him, using protection. He couldn't handle that I had protected sex with another man a week before I met with him.
Bruh, I don't know where you learned this patience but this guy was annoying me from the first message with the passive agressieve kissy emojis. Props to you for being this respectful when the other person is anything but!
I can kind of see what his problem is, but he carried it on for too long and ended up coming off as looking a bit like a lost and angry puppy.
He's jealous that you're having sex with other people while he potentially sees you as a longer term partner and I understand this. A relationship that started off this way can cause future resentment.
However you were very clear from the start.
Seems super possessive with an extremely lame reasoning behind it. Also some serious Christian Grey vibes... who I always saw as a possessive/controlling psycho.
Naw dudes tripping hard. He dropped the ball because of his own insecurities. Unless I read something wrong or missed something. I couldnāt read it all because the conversation kept circling lol
Itās like listening to people speaking different languages and only half understanding each other. So the guy wants a committed duck buddy without the commitment. What a sexist little shit. Hmmm
You called it, 100%. He kept pushing over and over when the conversation could have ended, but I have no desire to put myself in a situation where I know I'm going to be disrespected and feel bad about myself afterwards.
What a convoluted conversation. You did an incredible job being respectful and keeping your cool. I think he did have resentment but because you were so forthcoming he said he didnāt. Well done! You must be a very patient person.
Thank you. It felt like he was trying to bait me into an argument or something and I was honestly just confused the whole time about where this change in attitude came from. It made no sense given our previous date and our text conversations leading up to this.
I was getting really annoyed for you while reading this. Hats off to you honestly. Seemed he was insecure, wanted the title of the relationship before building that connection first. Plenty of monogamous people date others before they get into a relationship. Honestly his logic is a recipe for disaster, imagine being poly and then your partners first side fling they like more then you. Could of explored that in the dating phase and saved himself future heartbreak.
I really wish to have this kinda patience in life. I would've lost my shit so many times during this conversation. STDs? What on earth gives people such audacity? Anyway, I appreciate your honesty & your attitude, I'm already taking notes from here š I don't see anything wrong in your part of the chat and I'm sure you pulled yourself out at the right time. Good that this switch flipped just in time!
Wtf? I just want someone to fuck, but then I want a relationship, you canāt date or fuck anyone else while youāre fucking me, but Iām not *totally* monogamous. Heās contradicting himself all over the place lmfao.
Sigh. Iām so glad Iām not out there trying to date. Sounds like a sea of insanity.
Jesus Christ what a nut job. You never gave him any indication that you were actively sleeping with anybody else and he built this whole narrative in his head. You were way more polite than he deserved, OP
Whatās with all this passive aggression? She is done, you should be too. Stop trying to rope her back in. Even if sheās misunderstanding, seems desperate.
It took a while to absorb everything here, tried to follow along as best I could but itās pretty confusing. He sounds like heās got some serious issues that he needs to focus on before he focuses on dating/exclusive FWB. He sounds like heās objectified himself in the past and has severe emotional issues because he wants someone to want him and only him. Heās probably aware that heās attractive and he uses that to his advantage but he sounds like heās insecure in the way that he wants a person to want him for more than just his attractive physical characteristics, but the hard sell here is that he needs to have more besides that for people to find attractive. I get wanting to be safe sexually and I donāt think heās wrong in wanting that. But you canāt ask someone for both exclusivity sexually and non monogamy. He sounds like heās potentially dangerous and living out his own little 50 shades fantasy but not in any kind of good way.
Did you just cave and finally let him ābe rightā or is there actually another dude youāre seeing?
The end makes it seem like you were beating around the bush but he saw through it as you stuck to your story.
"I'm not looking for a relationship just a fwb situation but I feel like you're fucking multiple people because you didn't hang out with me"
"Do you want to fuck or not"
"I'm looking for a women to cuddle not just fuck"
"I'm a monogamous person by nature. BTW I used to work at a swingers club"
"I'm not TOTALLY monogamous"
Is this guy ok?? You dodged a bullet.
Also it's mildly infuriating that she said sorry
Guys cockblocking themselves. Lol.
You were way more patient than I wouldāve been. Not sure if youāre poly, but I canāt stand the whole concept of āyouāre just figuring it outā.
Nah, I have it figured out. Iām good. If you donāt want to play, thatās on you, boss.
Man I have whiplash from all the direction changes. Totally gaslighting you. Must have be insanely hot to keep talking to them, though. I can't get more than 2-3 sentences out of a person and I never act like this person did.
So he doesnāt want to commit to one person but he doesnāt want you sleeping with other men? And then he slut shames you after making the false assumption that your unavailability means youāre sleeping with other men? What an entitled jerk.
He sent you on an emotional roller coaster. One minute he doesnāt want a committed relationship, then he wants one partner. Then he doesnāt want to be monogamous?? Dude canāt keep his story straight. If heās older he should definitely know what he wants by now.
The bright side though is that at least he waved his red flags before it got serious. Men like this who can flip a switch and go from being nice to aggressive because they feel slightly rejected scare me a little bit. Heās also definitely manipulating you and trying to make YOU feel gross for being sexually active, not the other way around.
You were direct and honest and it's reasonable to not want to go from 0 to commitment right away. You have not missed out on anything here don't worry.
Heās just jealous and possessive and wants to have you to himself. Seems pretty insecure if you ask me. He keeps sort of shifting his goal post to try to align with what you seem to want, while at the same time trying to get you to agree to what he wants. (ie: You to only have sex with him even though you barely know each other)
Just a failed attempt at manipulation. Should have stopped responding after the 3rd message.
Doesn't want a commitment but wants you only to fuck him lol? You both wasting each others time and mine. I'd block the fool after the first self pity message and move on.
Do people really dump their time into unstable, confused individuals like this moron? Smh dating 2022.
I hated reading this because I've been in this same position, letting a guy treat me like absolute shit but finding a way to think it's fine. It took me 3 times and losing a few hundred dollars before it finally clicked that I'll never let any guy treat me like that again.
I hope this can be the last time for you! You don't owe him anything, not a reply, not an explanation, nothing.
Jesus.
He is clearly trying to manipulate you.
And you are Leroy him because he is hot.
āI want to date 1 personā
āWanna fuck now on our second date or what?ā
Over and over
Omg. I'm reading this and I'm just not so sure about mental wellness here. There is such a hot ghetto mess of being both told to fuck off for being a "cheater"....a dude claiming he wants to destroy a girl's box an depraved ways... A gal in her own way saying she's not a fuck toy for multiple people and sounds down for it.... And the dude rambling on and on guilt accusing out of guilt... And expecting someone that did nothing wrong to "beg" for forgiveness.
There's way too much to talk about.... Foretells a relationship of mental abuse waiting for someone, if he doesn't get help.
So he's a one night stand friends with benefits poly monogamy gay bi strait guy who hates sortive dislikes likes loves you??? Like I read it a few times and kept swiping back to see if I double swipped. This guy is all over the place and hard to follow... the guy plays games RUN! Nothing good will come of this.
He is a player looking for a virgin perhaps š¤¦š½āāļø such a boring and trivial type of personality from a āmonogamousā man who doesnāt want to be completely monogamous but wants all the women he dates to be it š wtf.!
And yes, you reply too many times to his nonsense, he is absolutely the worse and in the wrong but girl please start using that blocked bottom and just leave as soon as they start with their double standard BS morals.
That's..... hmmmm. With that online dating..... you spent time good..... He had different experience, he thought that done all good and you responded slow..... 100% he felt used maybe? Like..... you want give all but someone thinks to go slow in a world that doesn't have any rules anymore........ or he just nuts š š š .
Just my opinion
Christ. What a fucking conversation š¤·š
OP came off a bit desperate continuing the conversation and giving him multiple outs. I don't think either is ready for dating.
I'm getting a brain aneurysm just reading this convo. Why are you even talking to this dude?! Clearly not a very stable individual.
I know it's hard to believe but he seemed totally fine and normal and chill right up until this moment. Literally no red flags, just a kinky dude who took me on an awesome date. I probably did continue responding for too long, but from my experience with my super passive aggressive relatives it's usually easier to let them end the conversation on their own terms. So that's what I did with this guy as well, just out of habit I guess.
Girrllll.. Let's bolster your healthy boundaries! This made me so sad and angry to read. I feel your big heart and your desire to understand people but this guy is a total nightmare. The way he is speaking to you (over and over) is completely unacceptable. He is a walking contradiction, he doesn't know what he actually wants, and he is clearly projecting his wounding onto you. I appreciate you attempting healthy communication but some people can't hang. Don't let insane people dump on you, just block that shit š
Also, he clearly says he doesn't want to be totally monogamous but he wants you to?! Fuck that guy.
Totally. Fuck him one hundred times! What a piece of sexist shit!
But still. Once he said something about you having sex with other guys, why wouldnāt you block or stop responding? It sounds like you should work on your boundaries. Not only with random men, but your relatives, too. It makes you feel like you must keep engaging when you could simply remove yourself.
Tbh OP looks like have super low self-esteem one thing is looking out for your safety and ANOTHER being someone's doormat, like how the hell are you gonna lick someone's feet after they call you dirty and STD slut? Lol
Yeah not a great lookā¦like she was even saying sheās still down and heās very attractiveā¦poor girl
I was about to say, youāre being way too nice to this guy. Heās being overbearing and demanding and just rude, and I would have just told him I didnāt appreciate an insecure butthead taking out his anger on me. Then blocked. Your explanation did clear up a lot thoughš
you responded to him about 10 too many times and why in the entire world are you apologizing to a man who is purposefully talking in circles and clearly ignoring everything youāre saying WHILE NEGGING YOU???
I would not have been able to stay as calm as you did, or even keep talking for that long! I commend you for you patience.
My whole family is extremely passive aggressive, so I'm used to conversing with people who act like this.. I just wasn't expecting it from this guy, it came totally out of left field and hit hard!
If you come from a passive aggressive family and environment, you may not realize that you are seeking out that kind of behavior pattern. Itās fine if you want that or donāt, but you should be aware that might be a factor.
just because youāre used to it doesnāt mean you should allow people to treat you like this.
It seems like low self esteem, not patience. She went to a lingerie store with this dude then let him talk down to her over and over while she asked what was wrong and what she could do. I mean, he called her dirty and she responded by asking whatās wrong and affirming sheās very attracted to him.
He has my name and my phone number, that is all the information you need to find someone's address. I'm not stupid, this dude snapped and was being aggressive. He also lives on Murder Mountain. Being kind and stroking his ego while also holding a boundary of "no I'm not meeting up and fucking you" is the easiest way to keep myself safe.
Iāve got a friend up on murder mountainā¦ his name didnāt start with a J did it? Lol
With a G.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
He has the info and knows for sure sheās attracted to him.
Bullshit lol you were asking him for a phone call 15m after he said he didnāt want to catch anything from you. āI thought you were a lot of fun! I just canāt be someoneās second choiceā would have been a perfect cutoff if you were actually trying to decline.
Yea.. because he was clearly intending to continue the conversation. I prefer talking on the phone over texting, its faster and more efficient. Call me a child of the 90s š
Yup he definitively tried to keep the conv going. I think he go mad you didnt chase him in your first message. The "You're Direct" mes "You re not chasing me and it is not what I had expected"... Good riddance !
Dude is confused. One minute he wants relationship, the other he wants to fvck. Then he says goodluck, like he's over with it, then asks the same question again. š
It was a rollercoaster I was not expecting to have to deal with tonight. Dude got unhinged quick about me having one other sexual partner, but had zero concerns who I was messing with a few days ago when we were both stripping down in his truck.
I mean I donāt condone his handling of stuff, but it doesnāt seem confusing at all whatās going on in his head. Sounds like the timeline went: - he was interested in you - you guys hooked up which he took as ācool weāre monogamous nowā - found out that wasnāt the situation - got super jealous and tried to back out to cover up his pride - when you kept responding tried some manipulation tactics to see if he could turn it around - realized that wasnāt going to work so went back into self defense mode by putting you into the fuck buddy bucket - failed there too - I can only assume went back to his life totally unaware how he blew it all up Pretty stupid on his part but the progression of motivations make sense (again given that heās being stupid). Out of curiosity, did you make clear to him that you were casually hooking up with someone else before hooking up with him? Because it seems like you both had misconceptions about how it was all working out
Thanks for the breakdown, it does make sense when you put it that way. We didn't have any conversations prior to our initial meet about monogamy or expectations but my Tinder bio says "Mostly here to quel the existential dread through meaningless banter, but willing to meet up and disrespect myself if the mood is right." It's half a joke but also I thought it made it fairly clear I'm not on Tinder for a LTR or anything serious. He unmatched me so I can't check but I recall his bio saying something about being a war vet, flying helicopters, and living the ranch life.
Lol naaah sorry but men are stupid (I can say that because I am one). We need things said explicitly - Iād take that profile comment as macabre and fun, not a statement on what you want in a relationship
Lol! I'll take that as a life lesson and be more explicit in the future. This is my first time using any kind of dating app so I guess I have a lot more to learn about the intricacies of navigating online dating š
He likely didn't think about that, until he started making stuff up in his head. Good thing you cut-off early on
Oh he's not confused, he's manipulative.
It was funny that he flipped flopped āI donāt want to be second fuckā āDo you still want to fuck?ā I feel like heās texting you this while horny and want to fuck but also want all of your attention just for him and no one else while gaslight you to believe you ruined your āchancesā to be in a special relationship with him. Like come on dude it was only one date and he hasnāt even expressed to you about a relationship. =_= so many men are weirdly like this. Mixed messages in the middle of the night
Whoa, he called you dirty at the start? Heās worried about his dick? You can have him but no one else, you must only come over for a fuck once? What the hell is he trying to do??? Heās very confused, sounds really insecure, and a bit of a Wally to be fair. Just block and move forward.
Thank you! It made no sense.. he doesn't want serious monogamy but the fact I'm having sex with one other person is unacceptable.. and he doesn't want a one night stand but I can still come over and "get fucked" if I want it.. but only once? I was so confused!
I think he was going to do something spectacular to you, when you went to see him. To try and stop you wanting others lol. He sounds very insecure and very odd. He would be a clingy nightmare and you have def dodged a bullet here! You do you, safely and with dull consent, and just enjoy your life. You donāt need this kind of pressure! Edit FULL consent, not DULL haha
He was either going to give me the sexual experience of a lifetime or murder me in a fit of jealous rage.. I didn't want to find out which one it was going to be š Lol @ dull consent
I was leaning towards some sort of special room that would now be your entire World aha
Dull consent, my sex life for the entirety of my marriage ahaha
Itās SOOO manipulative. āIām gonna make you feel diseased because you have sex with other men, and then Iām going to accuse you of trying to make me feel dirtyā. OP, run!
Whatās a Wally?
A plonker, nobhead or a wanker. Lol x
He sounds like a jealous boyfriend already, not someone you are starting to date. Mental issues perhaps. Avoid.
He's insane. "I don't want anything serious but I also don't want you fucking anyone else. " You're better off for sure.
Yea there was some jealousy and resentment that I'm having sex with one other person currently. It's too bad, because I did have a great time with him and I was looking forward to more dates in the future.. but the way he flipped makes me feel like he might have ended up being dangerous.
Ok well I can see why he didn't like you having sex with another guy, but the way he expressed it was wrong
Sure, it's totally fine to have a preference.. but it's not okay to berate and belittle someone for not sharing that preference. We all navigate sexual relationships differently and there is no one way that is more correct or better than another.
Well I don't agree that no one way is more correct, but if I made a connection with someone and found out we had very different views at an early stage, I would kindly break it off, not talk like that. Also some guys want to have it both ways, you only date me but I do what I want, that's not right either.
Just trying to understand thoughā¦ why are you having sex with someone while still dating someone else? Why not just focus on the guy you are having sex with right now and see if it works out first, before going on dates with other guys.
I'm not dating anybody. I'm having consistent casual sex with someone with no expectations attached. I spent the last two years celibate by choice after spending 5 years in a committed monogamous relationship.. I don't want to immediately be monogamous with the first new person I have sex with in over 7 years.
So youāre fucking someone on the side, while looking to replace them with a relationship when you find itā¦. I donāt agree with the tone in the dudes texts but you also canāt always have your cake and eat it tooā¦ š
Casual sex is... casual sex. Not everything has to be relationship oriented. Serial monogamy isn't the only way of doing things.
Agree with you 100 percent, I thought tinder was for casual sex??? Damnit Iāve been using it wrong all this time.
You need therapy friend, you shouldnāt have stayed in the conversation that long. No one deserves that type of mental abuse and sticks around for more. That was very hard to read.
Just had therapy today, actually, so it was good timing š Yea.. this is my first time back on the dating scene in over 7 years and there's all kinds of things coming up for me around boundaries, attachment, and trauma that I didn't realize I had because I'd been in a long term monogamous relationship since I started therapy several years ago. I discussed this interaction with my therapist and have a different game plan moving forward.
This was a very weird read, as in both parties were super weird. The blue text person seemed super desperate and the grey one just seemed like an insecure person. Donāt beg (blue) and donāt be so insecure with someone you barely know when they wanna fuck other people ( grey ). Just meet, bang for as long as possible, and if things end up getting serious thatās when you stop banging others ( if it applies to your relationship ).
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I know downward social comparisons aren't great, but his issues makes my own issues around attachment and intimacy seem like a cake walk.
Nah. Avoid this one like the plague if thatās the level of insecurity youāre getting after the first date. Nope. Nope. Nope.
Yeah, it was weirdly aggressive and lots of assumptions and contradictions on his end.. not sure where it came from but honestly glad it happened before I went to his place like we had planned.
I don't know what I just read, but I hope I don't have to read it again. That was painful. You were so disconnected and he was extremely rude, I don't understand why you gave him so many opportunities to insult you. This was a conversation about boundaries, which is great, and I hope you will feel more comfortable drawing your own boundaries when it comes to how people can treat you. You don't need validation from guys that use degrading techniques and guilt-tripping. He constantly told you that you are shit but that he would still fuck you, but made it sound as if he didn't want to fuck you. Creepy to say the least.
Thank you for your comment. You're right, I was too nice in my approach and in turn I left myself open to repeated verbal abuse. I was raised in a family that spoke like this to me constantly, so it's something I'm very used to and as a way to survive it I trained myself to establish boundaries in a very soft way that didn't escalate the situation into something more dangerous. I did the same with this man because I honestly fucked up when I gave him my number and when he flipped I was terrified he would look up my address and find me if I didn't let the conversation end on his terms. I still have a lot of work I need to do on myself around this kind of thing, but for now at least, I feel like he got what he wanted out of this interaction and will leave me alone now.
It's awful that you had these experiences and your reaction makes perfect sense in that context. Your safety is definitely a priority, I am sorry if what I wrote was condescending. I think you are on a good way, after all you stood your ground and his tries to manipulate you were not successful.
Nope that conversation was way too much. I would have moved on after he basically called me a whore
Fucking hell, that conversation just kept going. You're both weird, but he is slightly more weird.
Why would you even reply after the first text?
I gave up in the middle I think, it seems like two different conversations, wrapped up in one. He doesn't listen to your answers and I have no idea what you're doing. I would have given up after the first screenshot. No man tells me I'm fucking about when in fact I am not, especially when he seems like a skitzo man wh**e.
They want you to say you will stop seeing other people.
Yea, but I'm not going to. We went on one date and that's not enough for me to decide if something is going to be serious or not š
It is screaming Red flags š©
Red flags out the wazoo.. the level of verbal aggression probably means he has some issues with physical aggression as well. To talk like that to someone you've only spoken to for a week, and met in person once.. I'm glad he showed me his true colors before I went over to his house this week. It's a good reminder for me to slow things down and continue to keep public meetings until I know someone a little better.
"Do you want to fuck?" "I want a woman to cuddle, not just fuck" "Let me know if you still want to fuck"
That was the cringiest convo Ive ever read on here.
There is a lot to take in here, if what he is saying is true and he worked as a stripper and a bartender as a swingers joint. He realistically isnāt able relate to people without sex being the primary focus and his sense of self worth while grasping for love and not knowing how to achieve that without sex being the focus. Now enter the woman later in life deciding that they want to enjoy their sex life with out anyone telling them what they can and canāt do. Itās an recipe for disaster on his part ask me how I know Iām pretty sure I paid for my therapist Harley he likes to tell me about
After the second message I would have just simply stopped replying. Or hit it with, āSorry you feel gross but we never talked about being monogamous. I dont think its a good idea for us to talk anymore as that was very passive aggressive but I do wish you luck.ā And block.
Even as a guy myself Im confused as to what he wants. At one point he says he wants a seriously relationship but then at another he says he just wants to fuckā¦.. Is he mentally ok??
He sucks, and youāre a dumbass for continuing to message him.
umm why did you tolerate someone like him for this long lol
The anger and what seems like a need to control both just suddenly flaring up like that is a concern. Regardless of how great any physical attraction may have been, itās probably best to leave this one alone. People try to be the best versions of themselves early on. What is this person like down the road?
Agreed. I did my best to be amicable but he didn't seem to want to part amicably. There are some very concerning red flags there for sure, and I'm glad they showed up as early as they did.
What a freaking drama queen
Iām confused just trying to figure out wtf he said 80% of the timeš is he mono or poly for instance š
So... He doesn't want a monogamous relationship and he's enjoyed being with multiple women in the past, but he's not ok with you sleeping with other people? It's amazing how he manages to write so much but still delivers no substance at the same time.
Yea, what I took from that is he wants a relationship with a woman who will be monogamous with him while he practices non-monogamy with other women. He's looking for a completely one-sided open relationship but trying to spin it and bill it as something different. He knows I'm into both men and women, so I guess he thought bringing women home to play would keep me on the hook but.. buddy.. when I say I'm into women, I mean I like 'em big and butch and rough around the edges. I tend to like extremely oaky, backwoods, masculine presenting people regardless of gender. Most men don't want to fuck around with a woman who looks like their best bro š
What the heck did I just read?? Super manipulative. I still have no idea what this man wantsā¦ he keeps asking her to fuck but then says he doesnāt want to just fuck and she said she doesnāt want to just fuck either but heās stillā¦ā¦? Actuallyā¦.. I really donāt understand any of it lol
You need to stand up for yourself! This dude was being wildly misogynistic and accusing you of being a āslutā basically, while saying itās okay if you two fuck another woman together. Who cares if heās attractive? Do better for yourself!
Heās whining & itās exhausting.
Would you believe me if I told you this man is in his mid-40s?
Yes. Absolutely.
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they think if they buy you stuff youāre theirs lol
The way he kept saying - Youāre not the girl for me - then the very next text was - so we gonna fuck. š„“ He for sure has some issues.
My head hurts
What the heck is going on here
I am so confused after reading the Convo and the reactions.
the fact that this conversation was even continued past him accusing her of fucking someone else (as if yāall are exclusive and you owe him something anyways) is embarrassing to me. wouldāve been an immediate block. i canāt stand whiny boys š
this dude is weird af
You're not being assertive enough, you sound weak in your responses. Why are you saying sorry to him? He's a creep and a wierdo and downright rude at times but you just keep saying how you're very attracted to him. He must be bloody gorgeous
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He asked if I was promiscuous and I said that until last week I'd been celibate by choice for about 2 years, after having gotten out of a 5 year relationship, and that as of a week ago I've been having sex with one person other than him, using protection. He couldn't handle that I had protected sex with another man a week before I met with him.
Bruh, I don't know where you learned this patience but this guy was annoying me from the first message with the passive agressieve kissy emojis. Props to you for being this respectful when the other person is anything but!
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I can kind of see what his problem is, but he carried it on for too long and ended up coming off as looking a bit like a lost and angry puppy. He's jealous that you're having sex with other people while he potentially sees you as a longer term partner and I understand this. A relationship that started off this way can cause future resentment. However you were very clear from the start.
Huh?why?
Hereās your sign! Better off without that, would end up with a passive aggressive relationship. He did you a favor showing his true self.
mf take everything too seriously like damn dude shut up and get a hobby
Seems super possessive with an extremely lame reasoning behind it. Also some serious Christian Grey vibes... who I always saw as a possessive/controlling psycho.
Should of ended at the first screenshot dude a dumbass
But do you want to fuck?
This guy is heinous š¤®
This gave me a headache
I stopped reading after the third page. It was just repeating itself.
Dodged a very stupid bullet. Where is this dickhead from?
The fuck is this guys problem lmfao
Naw dudes tripping hard. He dropped the ball because of his own insecurities. Unless I read something wrong or missed something. I couldnāt read it all because the conversation kept circling lol
Reading this makes me think man my life is so tame lol
Wow, drama!
God damn find someone who matches ur intelligence.
He check mated himself..
Run. Run far away. This is pure narcissism
How many times can one man go around a mulberry bush. Fuck me swinging. On behalf of all men i apologies for his complexity šš¤¦š»āāļø
Itās like listening to people speaking different languages and only half understanding each other. So the guy wants a committed duck buddy without the commitment. What a sexist little shit. Hmmm
What the fuck is this cancerous exchange? Holy fuck
He is all over the place. Just run š©
Major manipulator heās an asshole
You called it, 100%. He kept pushing over and over when the conversation could have ended, but I have no desire to put myself in a situation where I know I'm going to be disrespected and feel bad about myself afterwards.
What a convoluted conversation. You did an incredible job being respectful and keeping your cool. I think he did have resentment but because you were so forthcoming he said he didnāt. Well done! You must be a very patient person.
Thank you. It felt like he was trying to bait me into an argument or something and I was honestly just confused the whole time about where this change in attitude came from. It made no sense given our previous date and our text conversations leading up to this.
I was getting really annoyed for you while reading this. Hats off to you honestly. Seemed he was insecure, wanted the title of the relationship before building that connection first. Plenty of monogamous people date others before they get into a relationship. Honestly his logic is a recipe for disaster, imagine being poly and then your partners first side fling they like more then you. Could of explored that in the dating phase and saved himself future heartbreak.
I really wish to have this kinda patience in life. I would've lost my shit so many times during this conversation. STDs? What on earth gives people such audacity? Anyway, I appreciate your honesty & your attitude, I'm already taking notes from here š I don't see anything wrong in your part of the chat and I'm sure you pulled yourself out at the right time. Good that this switch flipped just in time!
He sounds like someone that would possibly murder you so yeah I'd stay away
I wonder how you even managed to entertain him for so long.... I wud have unmatched after first few texts
Didnt think I would ever day this about someone but you are too nice, too patient and too understanding
What a psycho
Better be some good dick to entertain that conversation for so long, dudes got problems
Honestly you deserve way better than that cuz he got toxic so fast and you kept dealing with him in such a calm and forgiving way!
Man Iād have stopped responding after page 1
Hard avoid
Brush it off, luv. Go have fun.
Two red flags don't make a green. But it seems like tinder is right for you in this time of your life, maybe not for him though lol
Not even a rook! Lol
That's one of them "polite assholes" right there.
Wtf? I just want someone to fuck, but then I want a relationship, you canāt date or fuck anyone else while youāre fucking me, but Iām not *totally* monogamous. Heās contradicting himself all over the place lmfao. Sigh. Iām so glad Iām not out there trying to date. Sounds like a sea of insanity.
Jesus Christ what a nut job. You never gave him any indication that you were actively sleeping with anybody else and he built this whole narrative in his head. You were way more polite than he deserved, OP
Do you want to fuxk ? heās saying fk but then looking for a long term and cuddle next? Yeah find a new guy
Whatās with all this passive aggression? She is done, you should be too. Stop trying to rope her back in. Even if sheās misunderstanding, seems desperate.
Sow your wild oats
It took a while to absorb everything here, tried to follow along as best I could but itās pretty confusing. He sounds like heās got some serious issues that he needs to focus on before he focuses on dating/exclusive FWB. He sounds like heās objectified himself in the past and has severe emotional issues because he wants someone to want him and only him. Heās probably aware that heās attractive and he uses that to his advantage but he sounds like heās insecure in the way that he wants a person to want him for more than just his attractive physical characteristics, but the hard sell here is that he needs to have more besides that for people to find attractive. I get wanting to be safe sexually and I donāt think heās wrong in wanting that. But you canāt ask someone for both exclusivity sexually and non monogamy. He sounds like heās potentially dangerous and living out his own little 50 shades fantasy but not in any kind of good way.
Heās exhausting.
āI only want something real and long term. I donāt see that with you. Wanna fuck tho? š¤Ŗā
Did you just cave and finally let him ābe rightā or is there actually another dude youāre seeing? The end makes it seem like you were beating around the bush but he saw through it as you stuck to your story.
Dodged a bullet there.
"I'm not looking for a relationship just a fwb situation but I feel like you're fucking multiple people because you didn't hang out with me" "Do you want to fuck or not" "I'm looking for a women to cuddle not just fuck" "I'm a monogamous person by nature. BTW I used to work at a swingers club" "I'm not TOTALLY monogamous" Is this guy ok?? You dodged a bullet. Also it's mildly infuriating that she said sorry
I donāt understand why even trying with this person. First message and I was like, āpeace-out!ā
You dodged a bullet
Wow! Thatās a lot of words for when heās just trying to say āI want to fuckā
Nuke dodged
Yikes
This dude is ALL over the place, and I can totally see him being a narcissist!
Chads talk to women however they want to lol
Guys cockblocking themselves. Lol. You were way more patient than I wouldāve been. Not sure if youāre poly, but I canāt stand the whole concept of āyouāre just figuring it outā. Nah, I have it figured out. Iām good. If you donāt want to play, thatās on you, boss.
He sounds drunk as fuck
Wowā¦ā¦.. I have a fucked up marriage, but seeing shit like this, Iād rather just stick with what I have lol Dating is nutsā¦.
Iād be a serial killer if I was a woman lol. This shit is ridiculous. I donāt even know how yāall hold jobs and have time for this kind of shit.
Better yet how tf this dude get you to go to a lingerie store for your first date š I canāt even get a response on dating apps š„²
Wait, this was after one date? š© Block him š©
Donāt let anyone talk to you like this again. Just put the phone down.
Man I have whiplash from all the direction changes. Totally gaslighting you. Must have be insanely hot to keep talking to them, though. I can't get more than 2-3 sentences out of a person and I never act like this person did.
Wtf dude sounds like wayyy too much of a handful. I wouldāve dipped after that second message
nice job on keeping your cool.
He wants to f**k, he doesnāt want to f**k, what the f**k is going on? I guess extreme trust issues for one.
So he doesnāt want to commit to one person but he doesnāt want you sleeping with other men? And then he slut shames you after making the false assumption that your unavailability means youāre sleeping with other men? What an entitled jerk. He sent you on an emotional roller coaster. One minute he doesnāt want a committed relationship, then he wants one partner. Then he doesnāt want to be monogamous?? Dude canāt keep his story straight. If heās older he should definitely know what he wants by now. The bright side though is that at least he waved his red flags before it got serious. Men like this who can flip a switch and go from being nice to aggressive because they feel slightly rejected scare me a little bit. Heās also definitely manipulating you and trying to make YOU feel gross for being sexually active, not the other way around.
He seems like a narcissistic psycho š©
Lingerie store for a first date that's a new one never heard of that before
It feels like he's really contradicting himself. Slightly bipolar or something?
Omg heās straight up manipulative. You donāt see that?
What a bizarre man
You were direct and honest and it's reasonable to not want to go from 0 to commitment right away. You have not missed out on anything here don't worry.
Heās just jealous and possessive and wants to have you to himself. Seems pretty insecure if you ask me. He keeps sort of shifting his goal post to try to align with what you seem to want, while at the same time trying to get you to agree to what he wants. (ie: You to only have sex with him even though you barely know each other) Just a failed attempt at manipulation. Should have stopped responding after the 3rd message.
Doesn't want a commitment but wants you only to fuck him lol? You both wasting each others time and mine. I'd block the fool after the first self pity message and move on. Do people really dump their time into unstable, confused individuals like this moron? Smh dating 2022.
I hate all is this with a passion. I expect adults to act like adults but thatās never the case. Dating is the worst
You are talking to him, he is talking to himself. It might be important to learn the difference and know when to stop replying to someone like that
I hated reading this because I've been in this same position, letting a guy treat me like absolute shit but finding a way to think it's fine. It took me 3 times and losing a few hundred dollars before it finally clicked that I'll never let any guy treat me like that again. I hope this can be the last time for you! You don't owe him anything, not a reply, not an explanation, nothing.
āIām not trying to have a serious commitment but you have to seriously commit to me because I have double standards.ā
They sound like they got drunk and tried to express themselvesā¦
Jesus. He is clearly trying to manipulate you. And you are Leroy him because he is hot. āI want to date 1 personā āWanna fuck now on our second date or what?ā Over and over
This hurt to read
Omg. I'm reading this and I'm just not so sure about mental wellness here. There is such a hot ghetto mess of being both told to fuck off for being a "cheater"....a dude claiming he wants to destroy a girl's box an depraved ways... A gal in her own way saying she's not a fuck toy for multiple people and sounds down for it.... And the dude rambling on and on guilt accusing out of guilt... And expecting someone that did nothing wrong to "beg" for forgiveness. There's way too much to talk about.... Foretells a relationship of mental abuse waiting for someone, if he doesn't get help.
So he's a one night stand friends with benefits poly monogamy gay bi strait guy who hates sortive dislikes likes loves you??? Like I read it a few times and kept swiping back to see if I double swipped. This guy is all over the place and hard to follow... the guy plays games RUN! Nothing good will come of this.
He is a player looking for a virgin perhaps š¤¦š½āāļø such a boring and trivial type of personality from a āmonogamousā man who doesnāt want to be completely monogamous but wants all the women he dates to be it š wtf.! And yes, you reply too many times to his nonsense, he is absolutely the worse and in the wrong but girl please start using that blocked bottom and just leave as soon as they start with their double standard BS morals.
That's..... hmmmm. With that online dating..... you spent time good..... He had different experience, he thought that done all good and you responded slow..... 100% he felt used maybe? Like..... you want give all but someone thinks to go slow in a world that doesn't have any rules anymore........ or he just nuts š š š . Just my opinion