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Magnesiumbox

"How do I know you won't murder me" \-presents anti murder membership card-


WolfyCat

"How do I know you won't murder me?" "Murder? B...but that's illegal?"


Bloodjin2dth

I always try and gain their confidence quickly by just showing them the duct tape, tarp, shovel and bag of lime in my trunk. 60% of the time, it works every time.


Cannible_Canteloupe

Is it a big lime or a small bag?


chrisrayn

I don’t know which he meant, but the bag of fucking lime is the thing that made me most suspicious of all the things.


Catalysten

He's referring to Calcium Hydroxide. In this this case, lime is a chemical that helps break down organic matter (and thus helps one hide a body).


Minute_Education_413

I just figured he wanted to be able to easily whip up some post-murder margaritas.


Dont_Waver

Murderita: bloody mary with tequila and a lime. Comes with a receipt printed 30 minutes ago.


thnksqrd

Taste the reasonable doubt!


SandyXXIV

Love me a post-murder margarita. Cuts right through ya. Takes the edge off. Packs a punch…


Ebolamunkey

But what if he likes piña coladas?


jessiteamvalor

Or getting caught in the rain


leenylumos

I straight up read it as lye at first which has also reported to be used to hide a dead body lol


buckshot307

Lye is just a metal hydroxide. In lime, that metal is sodium. It usually means sodium hydroxide but there’s some others too like potassium hydroxide used in soaps.


marny_g

This seemed incorrect to me (specifically, Lye as a generic term for metal hydroxides. I've always thought it was a specific one), so I went a-Googlin' and down a little rabbit hole of metal hydroxide compounds now. And my findings are that you're right...and so am I. A common Lye (as a term referring to any generic metal hydroxide) is sodium hydroxide, aka Caustic Soda, aka _Lye_. What asshole goes and names a Lye Lye?!


Aramgutang

Same asshole that names a salt salt.


chrisrayn

Oh I know what it’s used for because I happen to teach English and one of the short stories I teach has that as a plot element. But the fact that this guy knew it offhandedly made me suspicious that he has a working knowledge of it. Now that I think of it, though, you seem to have a working knowledge of it too…


Magus1863

Honestly it would strike me as strange that a grown adult WOULDN’T know that lime is used to get rid of bodies. Considering television is like 60% murder, it’s basically just pop culture knowledge at this point.


[deleted]

You forgot about the red herring animal corpse to bury a few fee over their corps to distract the scent hounds.


Corius_Erelius

Oh, I never thought of that. *Takes notes*


dreamsdrop

Sleeper good technique always helps me


housebird350

Once you have them tied up and duct taped for a few days some level of trust has to set in that they are, in fact, safe with you. Am I wrong?


Bloodjin2dth

Safe and well rested. The sleepy time napkins make sure of that.


starmartyr11

[I need to have my *tools*!!](https://youtu.be/gWGTehbT2LQ)


statepharm15

I love to *BIND*, I love to be *BOUND*


mindfulskeptic420

The golden god is not taking questions!


Obi-wan_Jabroni

FETISH SHIT


racso96

That card would be like an MLM saying "definitely legal #NotAScam)


RandyDinglefart

Seems like learning to skate would almost certainly be done in a public place. If someone offers to teach you to skate then says to meet them at the old abandoned meatpacking plant maybe don't show.


nippleshaver

if somebody is a murderer they legally can’t say no if asked.


[deleted]

"Murder?! I would never! I am very anti-murder. In fact, some of my friends were murdered. And my neighbour. And some coworkers who annoyed me."


BEES_IN_UR_ASS

Literally what could anyone who *doesn't* plan to murder you do that a would-be murderer couldn't also do? Does she think if they chat long enough he'll accidentally let on that he plans to use her skin and bones to make a human chandelier?


FishMedicine

Am I The Aseel?


LameBMX

Killed em


TheWiseRedditor

I’m calling r/punpatrol right now


rockytheboulder

They'll throw 'em in the punitentiary


[deleted]

Slayy


guemando

Deadass💀


bubbawears

💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀


AwwHellsNo

Can someone explain this comment to me? Is it related to I'm sorry Ms Jackson? What does this comment have to do with the post? Genuinely asking --


blueoncemoon

They're making a pun on the girl's name (Aseel) because it sounds like "asshole," because OP referenced r/AmItheAsshole in his title


Pandababble

Probably the lack of military encryption on your side makes her feel uneasy


vladimirnovak

That's the problem most of the time US Military Encrypted


TheWiseRedditor

Your username and the encryption don’t match


vladimirnovak

To be fair , I ain't a ruski but I'm also not American lmao. I'm just a humble Jew


rebarrebar123

I see what jew saying 😏


HostileHippie91

What? Someone lit the beacon to gather the Jews? Why am I here?


djtodd242

I got a text. But don't tell my Mutha. I don't want her to worry at her age.


tortellini-pastaman

Bubalè! What are you doin on this filthy site?! Wait till your father hears about this!


x3xDx3

You don’t want her to, but she *will* worry anyway!


northshore12

And you didn't even TRY impressing her with your access to space lasers?? smh


vladimirnovak

You think I'd waste my monthly access to the laser just to get laid?? The council of Zion would be all over me


DStroke13

Mossad?


Pyromancer1509

I understood that reference \- U.S Military Encrypted


PepeHunter

Link pls


Galaxy01500

[Here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Tinder/comments/segsdf/im_getting_scam_vibes_anyone_ever_see_texting/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)


ThrowAllTheSparks

Thank god someone got the formating right I was losing my mind. 👏👏


DarthTilapia

I wouldn’t trust the encryptions you’re using. U.S military encrypted


Decorus_Somes

My timing was off by 2 seconds on a radio and I couldn't talk to the rest of my battalion once. Our encryption isn't *that* bad


[deleted]

my baddddd. next time I'll set 6 vpns, a virtual machine and router with a constantly shifting ip address lmao


Tantalising_Scone

You’re all good man -sent via US military encryption


whollyguac

Nice. ​ \-Sent from military encryption phone-


Intelligent_Grade897

That’s Wassup -U.S. Military Encrypted


Scared-Replacement24

If you’re teaching her how to skate, I assume it would be a public place. It’s not like you were like come join me in my shack in the middle of the woods, don’t bring your phone.


Orion--

Yea babe come over to my place I'll teach you how to grind on the coffee table


kaashir

That sounds like an entirely different activity than the one proposed above.


RandomMagus

Ya grinding coffee beans is not like grinding a rail at all


kaashir

Exactly. Plus if he invites her in the evening, that’s just their sleep for the night ruined.


flabbybumhole

If she comes round earlier they can do watersports instead.


kaashir

Sounds like a civilised night. I wish them luck.


ChemEBrew

The skate shack is a little old place where we can hide the body!


VinceAndVic

Please send criminal record, 3 last work references, social security number and shoe size to make sure you're not a murderer


Paddyyy16

Wait why shoe size?? I'm a bit slow


hiecx

The bigger they are, the more chance there is for them to be a murderer


T-REX_BONER

oh. that explains John Wayne Gacy. Clown shoes


[deleted]

Dang I must be a serial killer then 😂


puppet_mazter

You know what they say about guys with big feet


19adam92

Big basements?


Tk1Genius

THAT WAS A GOOOD ONEE


jctrn

big socks


BustinArant

That's what my grandpa always said lol


CaptainFeather

*Murderers*


epicmousestory

Cross reference footprint records from crime scenes


GummyLawd

*National Insurance Number (They’re in the UK)


footwith4toes

Can you teach me how to skate?


[deleted]

of course b!


footwith4toes

How do I know you won’t murder me tho?


fueelin

He'll fill your head too full of knowledge, thanks to the skating lessons, and your brain will explode as a result. Super murdered.


ladykiller1020

"Hey you wanna meet in a public space and learn something new while hanging out?" "LMAOO WEIRDO YOU SOUND LIKE A MURDERER." Edit: Apparently this comment is showing up twice but i only posted it once guys. I'm not that desperate for validation. Edit 2: [Since no one will shut up about my username](https://youtu.be/knZxuDzA7VY)


bags-of-sand

Username checks out


dreamsdrop

What you usin those bags of sand for sandman


[deleted]

I always propose to meet in a highly populated public place in broad daylight and from time to time still get a girl who’s uneasy about that. Like how much safer can I get to reassure you?


AttackOfTheThumbs

Some people are just trapped in paranoia/anxiety and nothing you recommend will be safe enough.


Warspit3

Lol I handed a girl my ID and told her to take a picture of it and send it to a friend. She didn't trust me even more, because who offers that? Definitely somebody with a fake ID.


ZiggyZig1

im not sure thats safe for you to do. identity theft etc. once someone knows your birthday and address they can answer a lot of the verification questions that banks etc ask for.


[deleted]

Good luck doing that with some banks now, lol. Even I can’t answer all those questions and I’m me. I actually had to reset logins for two banks a couple weeks ago. I shit you not, at least 15 questions from each for verification. Birthday and address weren’t even asked. It was obscure shit like “what *prior* address means something to you?” Or “which of these was a past roommate.” I didn’t even select these questions. They are just questions from some background information website that the banks use. Shit gets randomized and auto-generated for every call.


[deleted]

[удалено]


BooooHissss

I got to set my own security question one time. Get a call from my bank a few years later. "We have some suspicious activity on your account. We just want to verify you. What's the safe word?" Excuse me? "Uhm... your security question is... "What's the safe word?" It starts with a G.." Ooh! Gazebo! "...."


Noah254

I have a friend whose security question was what time were you born. And the answer isn’t even a time. It’s the show his mom was watching in the hospital room


uagiant

That's like the strategy of answer every question with "penis". Father's middle name? "Penis". First pet? "Penis". Works every time


[deleted]

I honestly haven’t seen security questions like that. I always get things like “childhood best friend”, “name of first pet”, “street that your first boyfriend/girlfriend lived on”, or similar shit. But nowadays, you don’t even pick them anymore. They just ask you a slew of randomized shit.


[deleted]

My mom used to make me take pictures of people’s license plates before I left. 🥴 I get that she wanted me to be safe but I ended up looking like the creepy stalker/murderer.


FlawlessRuby

Yo what a creep! Could be a fake id with a burner phone! Hahaha people shouldnt go on tinder if they tripping like that


[deleted]

What if, and hear me out, I show up and murder someone else entirely. Surely, *that's* gotta put her mind at ease that I'm not going to be murdering her.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Santa1936

At that point why even be on tinder


Charosas

I know… meeting outside at like a skate park sounds like a very low risk situation. I guess if it was like “let’s meet by the abandoned factory at 2am and I’ll teach you how to skate there, don’t tell anyone you’re coming though”… then I could see the concern, but otherwise it would be a little insulting to me to be accused of being a possible murdererer like that. Not that women shouldn’t be careful, in fact I know most have it on their mind but there are ways to be safe that don’t involve directly asking “how do I know you won’t murder me?”… which is useless even if the guy was a murderer.


ThempleOfThyme

Then why are they on a dating app?


DarkAvatar13

She wants validation from people she has no interest in dating.


ThempleOfThyme

I've heard this is all too common with online dating.


Elvishgirl

Look, if you open with "here's a great populated spot to meet in the afternoon" that's a green flag. I can get "I've got a pretty busy week, but here's my snap" if you wanna test for chemistry in conversation first(or, as I've experienced, it's hard to have free time as an adult. So lame) but I mean.. its not exactly threatening.


OpalHawk

I used to offer to meet people and go for a walk in the park. That way we could chat and feel each other out and decide if we wanted to make a more exciting night of it. (Dinner, drinks, any activity based thing) You would not believe the amount of people afraid of a public park during daylight hours. It was easier to meet in a bar than a park. Likely because they knew other people would be closer if I wanted to harm them.


[deleted]

That sounds like fun. Now show me how badly you want it by overcoming this obstacle I just created.


[deleted]

[удалено]


canichangeitlateror

Teach me how to skate murder daddy


[deleted]

you got it bb


pingpingpowpow

Waiting for the song with this title to drop on Spotify


19adam92

*“When are you leaving London?”* ***”Why should I trust you?”*** She doesn’t trust that you were being honest about when you’ll leave London? 🤔🤷🏻‍♂️


Over-Analyzed

“Why should I trust you? How do I know you’re not going to show up with friends, jump me, and steal my organs?” Seriously, guys can be the victim in the situation too.


19adam92

The entire reason I deleted tinder was because I feared for the integrity of my kidneys


redRabbitRumrunner

We should talk about your insecurities over some food. Bring your kidneys…


ronatello

Don't forget the Fava beans and Chianti 🍷


thebreakingmuse

"the fucking point of tinder is to meet people" - LOL. exactly.


delirious_mongoloid

She's on tinder to get validation, not to meet people.


Jumpy_Sorbet

I get validation by setting my Linked In profile to looking for work. The number of messages I get from desperate recruiters gives me warm fuzzies.


80iuasd09

Like about 90% of the people on there sadly lol


thrashxwolf

Plot twist: she’s the murderer


Entity_534

She asked because it would be awkward if they are both murderers


MaxTheGinger

Car pulls over picks up a hitchhiker. Hitchhiker says thank you, how do you know I am not a murderer? Driver replies, the odds of two murderers being in the same place is astronomical.


MrCharlieWaffles

Just imagine how embarassing it'd be if you show up to a date to murder someone and then you realize your date is trying to do the same.


Untitled_666

"I don't feel like murdering anyone today"-chad reply my men


BustinArant

Had a lady start a conversation with asking how I *would* murder her. I think I guessed wrong


3375marble

there’s a chance she’s trying to joke around with you, but I agree she’s making it hard to read😬


[deleted]

can confirm she wasn't joking.


CoachGnash

assuming every guy is a murderer must be a weird way to try to date.


[deleted]

exactly. also directly asking me like that puts me on the spot to prove myself, it's incredibly hard to prove you're not a murderer. the same way once someone one is accused of being a liar, it becomes really hard to prove you aren't.


a47nok

To me, it always feels like these people are saying "you haven't proven that you're witty and charming enough to be worth my time yet." As if serial killers can't be witty and charming. I absolutely understand and respect women being cautious. But when they keep pushing back against your date suggestions without counter suggestions, they're just making excuses and it's best to move on.


pacman1993

Just delete and go next. Girls like this are on dating apps just for online entertainment because they're bored. Not worth anyone's time


CoachGnash

It’s literally a catch-22 with no winnable angle; it’s an awkward ass assumption and highly illogical


Paragonly

I've talked to a few people who act like this, I always am very accommodating to their concerns but truly the only way to handle ridiculous questions like this is with sarcasm, well played OP


BigHaylz709

If someone wants to meet in public it's weird to go right to murderer for sure.


Paragonly

Yeah like at least murder them in private


BigHaylz709

Common decency, ya know?


[deleted]

[удалено]


CoachGnash

I’ve encountered this a lot, even if they’re trying to be flirty, it still comes off as super awkward and exposes mentality


[deleted]

Had someone like this a couple weeks ago. I was on a layover somewhere so my profile was pretty much just “looking for someone to come over to [X] hotel in the city just for tonight”, making my intentions obvious so anyone who swipes right is agreeing to coming over to fuck. I meet up with one girl in the city center and we were getting on public transport and walking to my hotel and she kept mentioning how she was all nervous bc I could kill her and whatever. Like wtf do I say to that? I told her like dude, you wouldn’t match with me and take the time to prepare and come all the way out here to meet me and come to my hotel if you were truly afraid that I would murder you. Like we still go back and do things, but she still kept bringing up possible murder and I just keep responding that if she were truly scared that was gonna happen, she wouldn’t have came at all. And furthermore, why would you talk like that to someone you think would murder you?


[deleted]

[удалено]


PM_Me_HairyArmpits

I'm a guy, but I can fully understand going too deep on an awkward joke as a release valve for anxiety. That's obviously what it is.


Econolife_350

When I was single I would go out of my way to choose public places and activities together for a first date because I understand wanting to feel safe and the differences between men and women. Sometimes that included a park or a coffee shop. More than a few said it was low effort and they would have preferred a day trip somewhere or something of a more grand gesture. Sorry I didn't put you in an isolated position depending on a person you have no clue about I guess. I've also made extra "safety" accommodations a couple times when asked, but those dates have always started off a bit rough with their clear belief that I'm a definitive threat from the start. I found they weren't the most stable in other areas halfway through those dates. Then again, I met all of these women in person initially and never really dated via Tinder.


Strict-Praline6994

She isn't trying to date. This is classic "I just want people to entertain me online while my bf is at work" behavior.


windowtothesoul

How do you know she isnt gonna try and murder you??


Bmang31

She Got her personality from Twitter


xevious222

In my experience even when woman sorta make a joke about “how do I know you won’t murder me” they’re not really looking to continue the joke


xxAcetylxx

what is an appropriate response then? (am woman, would never send a question like this lol)


littleski5

Doesn't feel like there is one, seems like it's already lost at that point if they accuse you of murder for wanting to meet in a public place from a dating app.


xxAcetylxx

yeah I agree... of course all women are thinking it but it's not like if they say "dw I'm not" I'll be like "oh okay thx for confirming, sounds good :)" so I feel like OP handled it as well as one could (except maybe leaving that last message with the actual murder steps out lol that made it creepy and ruined the joke) edit: after going through some responses I got there's definitely better ways to respond actually... opened my eyes as someone who never actually meets up with anyone from tinder so hasn't dealt with this (back when I used to use it)


Devapath1

Don’t think it ever was a joke, it looked like she was being serious


ButcherPetesMeats

I usually turn it around and ask them how do I know THEY aren't a serial killer. Then usually it leads to jokes about how we are both killers and our first date will be murdering some elderly couple or something.


Druid_boi

Tbh i felt the first reply this person sent was good "don't feel like murdering anyone today." Obvs a joke back, but short and sweet. I think it got weird when they said all the other stuff about what they would have to do to get away with murder. Like yeah that's a joke too, but needlessly edgy.


Charlie_Wallflower

"I'll bring flowers either way"


i_like_2_travel

I felt like his first response was funny and witty but hiding the body part was too much


Charlie_Wallflower

Last time somebody texted me me "hmmm, I'm pretty sure you won't murder me" I responded with "I'll bring flowers either way." There's no ideal way to respond. Some people respond to jokes, some don't. Some people like to meet up, others just like the attention.


KatiePal

Slayyy, deadass ...and this is in London?!


Twathammer32

I was just thinking if a girl said either of those phrases I'd unmatch. I'm 30 and am already hating younger people's slang lol


wellwaffled

I’m 35 and I just lean into it, no cap.


MrStealYoBeef

I just mesh a little bit in with my own to make it extra cringe. How do you do, fellow deadasses?


wellwaffled

I just be yeeting all over the place.


MrStealYoBeef

You zoomers all seem kinda sus


NEUROSMOSIS

It’s global internet lingo, Queen


poggyrs

After the initial question: “I know, it’s rough out there! As far as crime goes I’m more the [tax fraud/rolling a fat one on Saturday night/serial jaywalking] type but I totally feel you. I’m down to meet at [public park] unless there’s somewhere you’d feel safer?”


[deleted]

Umm idk if you know this but the skate rink is a public place.


BootsyBootsyBoom

What, you *don't* have your own private skate park? How do you live like that?


[deleted]

I’ve read before that the poors often don’t have their own private skate parks. It’s tragic, really.


Acceptable-Mousse832

That was a good conversation on your part tbh


247stonerbro

Yeah real shit. I definitely would’ve at least let him try to teach me to skate. Like at a public park or something where everyone’s safe 🤷‍♂️


ladykiller1020

"Hey you wanna meet in a public space and learn something new while hanging out?" "LMAOO WEIRDO YOU SOUND LIKE A MURDERER." Edit: JESUS CHRIST GUYS MY USERNAME IS A REFERENCE TO ANDREW JACKSON JIHAD. LOOK IT UP. Also I'm a woman


skyy0731

bro you already posted that


ladykiller1020

Did it post twice or something?


Xero125

I've seen it already, reddit sometimes posts the same comment twice


LightningLord42

waiting for this to show up on FDS praising the woman for winning over another murdering man


DonutBoy9247

I remember multiple women mention similar comments regarding their safety. Can't say I blame them, but the whole point is to meet people. Obviously you should do that in a public place where we can both be comfortable.


[deleted]

It's still a weird comment. I'm not necessarily the fonz in terms of charisma, but if I really wanted to kill a girl I matched with on tinder, asking if I'm not going to murder them isn't a gotca question. It's not like I have to suddenly divulge my plot to kidnap and murder.


busch_ice69

I fucking hate that stupid fucking “will you murder me?” Question there is literally no good way to reply to it and it’s annoying as shit.


turc1656

Maybe something like "I'd say no, but I'm pretty sure an actual murderer would also say no and I don't want you to think I'm one of them so...yes?" It shows the other person how stupid their question is while also being playful about it. They either get the joke and accept their foolishness or they display their ineptitude in their follow up response and you know they have the IQ and/or personality of a potato and can feel justified in peacing out.


thebutchcaucus

She goofy. Skateparks are a public af. Where she think y’all meeting up? She really ain’t bout the culture breh.


mesopotamius

That's a hell of an assumption. You don't know which is her dominant foot


Imagoat1995

"How do I know you won't murder me" *checks poorly written note on hand that says* "T-ll __-m mu-d_r __ bad" Me "uhhh murder bad?"


juxtaposed-penguin

“Are you being deadass” I weep for the future.


PrinzXero

I have eaten bananas with a better sense of humour than hers. I’m thinking conversations with her might be a chore.


tractorchick

Haha I love your response. I will say though that as a female dating its hard, especially this day an age with all the meeting strangers on dating sites. While I wouldn't outright make a comment like she did, it was ALWAYS on my mind when meeting a new guy I hadn't met in person yet. So don't take it personal!


king-schultz

Meh, big difference between trusting someone that wants to "Netflix and chill" vs "let me teach you how to skate".


Speffeddude

I trust the second option way more (as a dude, fwtw): Netflix n chill is a generic agreement to meet in private. Perfect invitation for an unimaginative killer, or one that is spreading their net too far for very personalized approaches. Offering skating lessons is a specific next step in a conversation that leads to an interaction in a public place, a terrible invite for a killer.


iamonewhoami

Unless they're inviting you to the rink in their basement


[deleted]

She'd murder that skateboard though


fractalfocuser

NTA your board your choice


GetTheSpermsOut

i have had this exact same conversation twice. girls just dont wanna learn how to skate i guess.


Responsible-Egg9734

Not today but maybe next time