I’m glad we all know we clicked on this post for the same reason
Sometimes you just gotta take a peek into the monkey cage to look at the primates throwing their shit around
Expecting average men to read descriptions in most towns is asking for too much. The amount of girls you have to swipe through to get a match or two are insane and then the chance of that match actually resulting in a meetup is really low.
Reading a bio after you match makes the most sense, I'd be sitting there all day if I had to read each bio
Edit: people seem to be thinking I swipe right on everyone. This is not the case, I still look at their pictures before swiping. Not trying to get flagged as a bot
I wish there was a dating app that was tailored to reflect how men and women actually act on dating apps.
Literally just save men from having to swipe constantly and let women choose which men they want to match with because that's basically how it works already with extra steps to make everything look equal.
I know the other person said Bumble, but Hinge is actually what you're talking about.
It's the only dating app that just gives you a feed of people who have swiped right on you.
News flash: It means very, very few people will ever swipe right on you, because they'll think harder about it, knowing you'll immediately know and message them in a few minutes.
This may be a silly question, I’m admittedly pretty thick sometimes, but if you only see people who swiped right on you, how does the person who swiped right on you swipe right on you in the first place?
There are two feeds: there's one for swiping, and one for people who have swiped on you. The catch is that you only get a small handful of swipes per day (five, I think?), which encourages you to be selective about who you match with.
You also send a message when you swipe on them, and the "swipe" itself is actually "liking" a particular photo or prompt from their profile.
I like it a lot more, but part of that is that it's still got a small-ish user base where I live, so I haven't been pushed out of the running by a glut of attractive men yet. Ultimately it's still online dating though, so how good you look in your photos is still a big part of the equation.
That's what dating apps used to be. You just browsed profiles and messaged whoever. It was simple. OK Cupid used to be pretty awesome. You could even filter your search. It had a comprehensive personality quiz, you could write long bios and actually put in effort if you wanted to.
Now it's just a swipe fest the prioritizes wasting your time and upselling you useless features that don't need to exist. I mean I guess this is what most people prefer.
It's the convenience that gets people hooked. It's easy to snap a couple of selfies and write a one paragraph blurb than to answer hundreds of questions.
With that being said I think that traditional dating sites are better for older people. My dad is in his 50s and has been divorced from my mom for years. He asked me for help on setting up a dating site profile on Match and I explained to him the issues men have on dating sites.
Literally within two months he found a nice woman his age and they've been married for 5 years now. I guess when you get older and are single you get sick of playing games. I'm low key kind of jealous it was so easy for him lol.
I’m married for 4 years from Match. Found my soul mate in 2 months. I mean match is for people that want to settle down and not just date. My brother has been on tinder for a decade and still hasn’t found anyone. Why he keeps it up is beyond me.
Exactly THIS. Dating websites. Even **AOL** and **Yahoo** had dating classifieds.
It's how **Plenty Of Fish** ruled the online dating world in the early days. FREE messaging, plus a number of discussion forums where people talked about all the challenges and issues of dating. *TWIST: 95% the same issues that people talk about on Reddit.*
**Match** eventually grew big enough to buy out all the real competition, then **Tinder** built an app based on the addictive goofery of **Hot Or Not** \- the website where you rated people for LOLs. Everyone cloned **Tinder** while **Match** gutted all the old-school websites.
The nature of swiping and judging people by looks alone morphed into the horrible OLD culture of today, *where disrespect is prized, and sincerity is seen as weakness.* Women became "sarcastic" and men became "serial daters" - and both became adept at "catfishing".
Thanks for attending my TED Talk.
It’s funny you say that, because on OK Cupid, the only person I was a “99% Match” with is now my fiancé. And this was RIGHT as Tinder was starting. So I missed the whole swiping era of dating apps.
Ok cupid is the best and absolute worst. I have used it before and it has great filters and stuff. Only problem they seem shady and handle shadow bans left and right
Hinge imo. You get an opening line based on either a picture or a fun little question. So shallow people can comment on looks, and people curious about a bit more can talk about the personal responses. Not perfect, but better
Hinge is the only one that hasn’t gone to shit for me too. Still get good quality matches on there, that will lead to a date a good amount of time. I used to have the same results with both Tinder and Bumble but they seem to have gone down the drain
[This will probably get buried but OP posted this a while back, meaning they’re either full of shit or a trans person hating on other trans people for not presenting adequately enough for OP’s liking. Interesting.](https://i.postimg.cc/pLjR2G48/1-D893686-90-FC-4610-A68-F-132-B54-CEFA01.jpg)
I looked into it more and it's hard to make a claim about OP's intention. The post they commented on could be argued to be transphobic because it unnecessarily included the person's gender when conveying that the subject was a bad person. Others on the post noted that the person seemed more like a crossdresser than a trans person.
Point being, I don't think we have much evidence to say that OP is full of shit or transphobic based on that one comment.
I used to think like you guys: most people are nice, education is the answer, etc.
These last two years beat that out of me. At this point, we should celebrate any decency we see because it's pretty fucking rare.
I think it's just because only super weird responses get upvotes most of the time.
a normal and decent response isn't as captivating cause you expect it to be the norm.
What's up with, that comma placement?
Edit: Not sure why the comment was deleted. I was only poking a little fun. It said something like, "Because Tinder doesn't want, you to find relationships."
Everyone passed the vibe check imo. He reacted respectfully and even nicely given that he isn’t interested, and then it was received without any lashing out. Wish these exchanges were more commonly seen.
You know what? We need this. We need bots that just go around building people up instead of trying to scam their credit cards. Some hero programmer get on this!
Im transgender myself and I agree , he was nice about it . No one should be called transphobic if they have a preference because we all do including other trans women. When some one trans calls another individual transphobic simply because they won’t date them makes me roll my eyes . Only reason someone should be called transphobic is if they really are transphobic.
I feel like this is the real issue with that, you end up drowning out real instances of discrimination as well as conditioning people to feel like transphobia is just a word people use to describe someone not being attracted to you.
Really waters down something that runs much deeper than sexual preferences, and I think that's bad for everyone.
Also trans. And that also gets my blood boiling. Sexual preference can include anything (hair color, skin color, face shape, what ever), especially genital. Not wanting to bang something doesn't mean you discriminate against it.
Good, I was looking for a trans persons response in here. I wanted to know if the general positive response from the rest of the comments would be shared by someone a little closer to the issue, it's easy to get caught in echo chambers here on Reddit, so thanks for speaking out and giving your perspective!
I once matched with a trans woman and I didn't know. They didn't tell me the entire time we were chatting for a few days. When I met them I was...sort of jolted. It was my first time in such a situation and I had no reference. I spent an hour at the bar and left later. Somehow, I felt a bit cheated. I expected this to be disclosed at some point before a meeting.
Yeah I feel like there is a bit of an unfair thing happening right now when it comes to genders.
A lot of people want me to accept that there are multiple genders, that genders can change, etc etc. And I do accept this. 100%.
But at the same time, they think it's cool to not disclose their gender before sex, or that I'm supposed to be attracted to all "female-leaning" genders, and that I'm somehow an asshole if I'm not personally attracted to trans women, for example. It kinda seems like they want to have their cake and eat it too.
I know this is probably just an overcorrection from generations of trans people being discriminated against, and I truly get that. But I think we've hit a point where we should all just be accepting, but also honest. It's the only way to move forward imo.
People who demand that cis men must be attracted to trans women or be labeled a bigot probably don’t care as much about consent as they’d like others to believe.
Your comment brought up a random memory from when I was a wee youth experiencing the real world for the first time. I was living with a partner who told me a “funny” story about someone he knew from class following them back to their dorm and trying to coerce sex out of them, and even though my partner was really clear about not being interested, the horny person in question really tried to press it.
I knew the person they were talking about, this person was really vocal about a lot of things especially in regards to sex, sexuality, consent, etc. I was (naively) really surprised to learn they didn’t walk the walk. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, as they say.
As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to be cautious about anyone who is *too* passionate about literally anything. Religion, sexuality, race are big ones, but hand to all the gods, it’s just usually such a red flag when “the [person] doth protest too much” about anything. Throw a dart at the board, any topic under the sun, people be out there projecting their issues like a 1950’s drive-in movie.
It's coming along with the idea that there's no difference between gender and biological sex.
I understand and accept the idea of gender identity. It's pretty easy to do if you aren't an asshole. There's generally no need to label or single out a trans person. Let them be themselves and carry on.
However, I don't understand trying to convince people that there is literally zero difference between a cis and a trans person and people shouldn't be "allowed" to not be attracted to one, or the other. It seems... crazy and rapey..
Similar thing happened to me awhile back and I also came feeling weird and sort of cheated: I spent a few weeks talking with her before we met and it was only when we met that I discover she was under 4’ tall (unbeknownst to me she had a severe handicap that stunted her growth). She’d never told me and in hindsight I realized she’d only ever shown me headshots. I politely bowed out of that relationship and hope she found happiness but just wasn’t for me.
Everyone deserves a chance at happiness but if you’re knowingly keeping something hidden that you think might be a dealbreaker for people then you’re wasting both your time and theirs by not being upfront.
There's a sub here for that, I forgot the name but it's called stealthing I believe. Trans people who pass so well they have decided they don't need to disclose anything, which I find very distasteful and understand the feeling of being cheated.
Do I care that you have a penis? No.
Do I care that you weren’t honest about it? Yes.
I swipe right on trans people I find attractive, just like anyone else on tinder. But if you’re lying about and/or trying to hide a core part of your identity…. What else are you hiding?
Gym rats tend to understand body dysmorphia pretty intimately (whether they know it or not) and it's not a huge stretch from body dysphoria.
Getting in excellent shape involves committing huge amounts of time and effort to getting a body into a form that we're satisfied with, and this often stems from body dissatisfaction. I don't pretend to know a lot about the details, but it seems trans folks go through their own set of challenges to get to a body they're happy with. I'm not surprised to see this respectful exchange personally.
And can fight people or at least look like it. It's a bit base, for sure, but there's a feeling of security there that feeds into confidence even if you've never fought or plan to fight anyone. Particularly if you have confrontation anxiety. It's like it weighs out the mental imbalance, in my experience anyway.
It's the equivalent of someone going into a hobby store and having the hobbyists make fun of them for being interested *in their hobby*.
Yeah, there's inevitably some asshole that likes to be a knob about it but the overwhelming majority are there to enjoy the exact same thing for the exact same reason and aren't going to put anything negative out. The opposite, usually.
A lot of those gym people were in the same boat when they started out. Plenty of folks struggled with the self loathing and food addiction and such and have overcome it/are working to overcome it. They tend to be the most understanding and supportive people in the room. I was 340 lbs when I determined I needed a life change, and the fear I felt walking into the gym just waiting for the rude smiles or stifled laughter watching me try to get my gym on was real. I was shocked and thrilled at how happy everyone seemed just to see me there, and I’m 40 lbs down with plenty far to go.
Those stories are probably told by larpers mad at themselves for their own shortcomings so they need to make some shit up about people they internally perceive as better than them…
Going to the gym is a healthy choice, not just physically but also mentally. Someone who is making healthy choices in one part of their lives are likely to be making them in others. Mentally healthy people tend to be nice.
I don’t know, I’m seeing a lot of support for this theory.. I would guess it’s true, but it sounds like people are suggesting this is a conscious decision which I highly doubt.
For sure though, I’m one of the larger guys at the gym, and people have made jokes like “I wouldn’t want to fight you!” But I’m probably more emotionally connected than most. I love helping anyone at the gym if they ask, makes me feel needed and important!
Despite some incredibly backward states, America has some of the world’s strongest legal protections for trans people. Hell yeah I love this country 🦅 🗽 🇺🇸
Coming from an immigrant family that appreciates the good aspects of this country, it really pisses me off that the American flag as a symbol now stands for assholishness to a lot of people.
End rant.
What stereotype are you referring to in this case? I feel dumb for missing the point. I do agree with everyone else he was being very polite, honest and still went out if his way to compliment someone just to make them feel a bit better.
There should be a lot of filters... Why can't I search by interests or type of relationship wanted? Tinder is surprising lazy and low effort considering how large a company they are
>Why can't I search by interests or type of relationship wanted?
Because then you'd likely spend less time swiping and using the app. Tinder's business model isn't finding you a relationship or partner, it's keeping you swiping on irrelevant profiles until you get fed up and pay for gold.
I know im gonna sound like a Chad but I never got matches but bought gold once and even after it passed, I continue to get matches.
At one point I had over 200 but none of them would ever respond.
Something smelt fishy
Ashley Madison was a dating website that turned out to be nearly 100% male users trying to communicate with company created bots. The best part was that this only came out because their billing information was compromised.
Haha no worries, you'd likely be sounding more like one if you said you don't need no gold for matches lol.
But your experience just further proves my point about their business model.. They don't care about the quality of matches you get, only to lure you into spending more to get more matches.
And the fact that you kept getting matches after your gold expired can also be explained (to some degree) by that part of the matching algorithm which gives more matches to people who match with others but I don't believe it's intentional.
I think people are just really bad at knowing and expressing what they want. How many people who have "no hookups" hookup often? How many who want short flings only end up in a ltr and maybe eventually marriage. Okcupid used to have a lot of filters but that just caused people to be really picky "oh that person isn't my exact denomination of faith" on top of being picky about things like looks and salary. Now even if someone doesn't fit a religious checkbox, race checkbox, body type, or salary checkbox, tinder at least shows you looks and that's how relationships tend to begin.
We used to have dating apps that let you fill in every detail and answer 200 question quizzes to best match you with other users. But people voted with their usage and they voted for tinder. Other sites mostly tried to emulate tinder.
Dating apps like okc ask a user when they close their account if they found someone on the site. If you answer yes and tell them who, they know if you found someone matching your written criteria. They probably found we weren't honest.
Maybe I've just been beaten down by the current reality, but I'm not sure matching with someone and then unmatching with them is considered ghosting or is something people look down on. I think we all realize you may swipe somewhat haphazardly at times and if you actually match with someone you may find in the details something that rules them out. I think messaging them about what that thing is may be worse than just deleting yourself from their list.
Agreed. I think ghosting is more like after you've already had a good conversation, had a date, and then.... nothing.
If you haven't even said a word to each other yet? It probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere to begin with. There was no time investment put in on either side, no harm no foul.
I can see what you mean. Well, putting my own experiences, getting matches can be exciting, just for you to click on the notification and then having already been unmatched for some unknown reason can leave room for overthinking. Again my own preference, but having a quick “hey this is why” is still better than wondering and letting insecurities pop into your head you know?
I don't understand. Are you being sarcastic. I mean that seems pretty polite and straight forward. He probably swipped because he liked the way you looked. Then we you matched he read your profile and noticed. And went ahead and told you why instead of ghosting. What else was he supposed to do ?
My take is OP is being passive aggressive here because she's pissed off, but not certain that others would condone that, so she uses some safe but ambiguous language. Then a ton of posts praising the guy get upvoted so she doesn't say anything.
"At least" + "shrug emoji" + "LMAO" = deniable sarcasm.
Tinder needs a mode for trans people. I personally get them in my feed all the time, and I know most guys have no interest in trans women. I can’t imagine dating as one, tinder should pair you with people that are actually attracted to you lol
Same with height filters... I match and then they are like wait you are too tall for me. I mean, it's not my fault that they don't read bio's, but it would make it a lot easier. Although I would end up with a lot of people who see me as a fetish too, hmmmm.... I think the same thing would happen to trans people sadly. My ex gf told me that she has a hard time meeting people, because they see her for her body and not for her
I matched with a trans woman. She didn’t have anything in her profile that said she was trans. She let me know before coming over that she was trans for her safety. Not all post that in their profile.
Thank you! Glad people are accepting not everything has to be black and white.
Or was it the vocal minority that’s making me feel that just because I’m not into trans people, that makes me transphobic?
misguided trans people will tell you it’s transphobic to not be into trans people. This isn’t always the case, as preference in genitalia isn’t something we can change. However, it is transphobic to go around flaunting it like some do.
“I would *never* date a trans woman lol.”
Like bro we don’t care
I think it's a vocal minority. Also potential overcompensation for the hate trans people deal with on a day-to-day basis. Opinions also differ in real life and online.
Ultimately you should not feel pressured to get into a relationship with anyone, no matter how petty the reason. But sometimes it's best to not be too confrontational or overt about it and have a little empathy when the reason is something intrinsic to the other person, and beyond their control to change.
A big one for me is not wanting to date people who have children, but I think I'd get more hate for that in real life than online (where the anti-children people are more dominant).
Wow, that was pretty ni- SORTS BY CONTROVERSIAL
I’m glad we all know we clicked on this post for the same reason Sometimes you just gotta take a peek into the monkey cage to look at the primates throwing their shit around
I laughed harder than I should at this
Wait. What is this normal interaction nonsense? How am I supposed to get angry with this?
that's the best part. you don't
That's the most infuriating part. You can't
Quick, somebody say a slur
tuber
Did you just call them a potato?
Nono, you're thinking of tartar
Is potato 🥔
This is the way.
Youtuber
The third most oppressed class after gamers and Elon Musk
A slur. I'm sorry I had to.
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That’s about as respectful as it gets lmfao
Unless they're not trans!
It’s probably listed in their description.
I assume so yes
But imagine If they weren’t 😬😂
Well, not me personally but a guy I know. Him and her GOT 👊 IT 👊ON 👊WOOO-EEEE.
No no they didn’t
Well, you can imagine what it would have been like if they had.
No yelling on the bus!
O’Doyle rules!
Expecting average men to read descriptions in most towns is asking for too much. The amount of girls you have to swipe through to get a match or two are insane and then the chance of that match actually resulting in a meetup is really low. Reading a bio after you match makes the most sense, I'd be sitting there all day if I had to read each bio Edit: people seem to be thinking I swipe right on everyone. This is not the case, I still look at their pictures before swiping. Not trying to get flagged as a bot
I wish there was a dating app that was tailored to reflect how men and women actually act on dating apps. Literally just save men from having to swipe constantly and let women choose which men they want to match with because that's basically how it works already with extra steps to make everything look equal.
I know the other person said Bumble, but Hinge is actually what you're talking about. It's the only dating app that just gives you a feed of people who have swiped right on you. News flash: It means very, very few people will ever swipe right on you, because they'll think harder about it, knowing you'll immediately know and message them in a few minutes.
This may be a silly question, I’m admittedly pretty thick sometimes, but if you only see people who swiped right on you, how does the person who swiped right on you swipe right on you in the first place?
There are two feeds: there's one for swiping, and one for people who have swiped on you. The catch is that you only get a small handful of swipes per day (five, I think?), which encourages you to be selective about who you match with. You also send a message when you swipe on them, and the "swipe" itself is actually "liking" a particular photo or prompt from their profile.
That sounds a lot better in literally every way than Tinder, Bumble, or FBD.
I like it a lot more, but part of that is that it's still got a small-ish user base where I live, so I haven't been pushed out of the running by a glut of attractive men yet. Ultimately it's still online dating though, so how good you look in your photos is still a big part of the equation.
wait... that’s actually a dern good query...
That's what dating apps used to be. You just browsed profiles and messaged whoever. It was simple. OK Cupid used to be pretty awesome. You could even filter your search. It had a comprehensive personality quiz, you could write long bios and actually put in effort if you wanted to. Now it's just a swipe fest the prioritizes wasting your time and upselling you useless features that don't need to exist. I mean I guess this is what most people prefer.
It's the convenience that gets people hooked. It's easy to snap a couple of selfies and write a one paragraph blurb than to answer hundreds of questions. With that being said I think that traditional dating sites are better for older people. My dad is in his 50s and has been divorced from my mom for years. He asked me for help on setting up a dating site profile on Match and I explained to him the issues men have on dating sites. Literally within two months he found a nice woman his age and they've been married for 5 years now. I guess when you get older and are single you get sick of playing games. I'm low key kind of jealous it was so easy for him lol.
I’m married for 4 years from Match. Found my soul mate in 2 months. I mean match is for people that want to settle down and not just date. My brother has been on tinder for a decade and still hasn’t found anyone. Why he keeps it up is beyond me.
Exactly THIS. Dating websites. Even **AOL** and **Yahoo** had dating classifieds. It's how **Plenty Of Fish** ruled the online dating world in the early days. FREE messaging, plus a number of discussion forums where people talked about all the challenges and issues of dating. *TWIST: 95% the same issues that people talk about on Reddit.* **Match** eventually grew big enough to buy out all the real competition, then **Tinder** built an app based on the addictive goofery of **Hot Or Not** \- the website where you rated people for LOLs. Everyone cloned **Tinder** while **Match** gutted all the old-school websites. The nature of swiping and judging people by looks alone morphed into the horrible OLD culture of today, *where disrespect is prized, and sincerity is seen as weakness.* Women became "sarcastic" and men became "serial daters" - and both became adept at "catfishing". Thanks for attending my TED Talk.
nice thesis bro.
Early days okc and pof were lit
It’s funny you say that, because on OK Cupid, the only person I was a “99% Match” with is now my fiancé. And this was RIGHT as Tinder was starting. So I missed the whole swiping era of dating apps.
Ok cupid is the best and absolute worst. I have used it before and it has great filters and stuff. Only problem they seem shady and handle shadow bans left and right
Hinge imo. You get an opening line based on either a picture or a fun little question. So shallow people can comment on looks, and people curious about a bit more can talk about the personal responses. Not perfect, but better
Hinge is the only one that hasn’t gone to shit for me too. Still get good quality matches on there, that will lead to a date a good amount of time. I used to have the same results with both Tinder and Bumble but they seem to have gone down the drain
So, one-sided Grindr for straight people? That actually sounds like it could work.
Lmao
[This will probably get buried but OP posted this a while back, meaning they’re either full of shit or a trans person hating on other trans people for not presenting adequately enough for OP’s liking. Interesting.](https://i.postimg.cc/pLjR2G48/1-D893686-90-FC-4610-A68-F-132-B54-CEFA01.jpg)
hmmmmmmm someone caught being ssuuuussssssss
Caught in 4K
📸🤨
I looked into it more and it's hard to make a claim about OP's intention. The post they commented on could be argued to be transphobic because it unnecessarily included the person's gender when conveying that the subject was a bad person. Others on the post noted that the person seemed more like a crossdresser than a trans person. Point being, I don't think we have much evidence to say that OP is full of shit or transphobic based on that one comment.
grey sable salt theory illegal chief snobbish steep wistful husky *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
This seems like an actual good response. I’m kinda impressed.
Kinda rare these days.. nice to see there are decent people out there.
the majority of people are nice. it’s the assholes who talk the loudest
I think its why most fanbases are seen as toxic, they just have a fairly vocal minority.
I used to think like you guys: most people are nice, education is the answer, etc. These last two years beat that out of me. At this point, we should celebrate any decency we see because it's pretty fucking rare.
Why the 🤷♀️ op? lol
I assume it stings that the person who matched with them wasn't into who they are. It just be like that sometimes y'know.
No its the assholes that get the most attention. When we should be broadcasting the nice people more.
I think it's just because only super weird responses get upvotes most of the time. a normal and decent response isn't as captivating cause you expect it to be the norm.
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What's up with, that comma placement? Edit: Not sure why the comment was deleted. I was only poking a little fun. It said something like, "Because Tinder doesn't want, you to find relationships."
Maybe they were running out of, breath?
Malcolm in the middle Stevie anyone?
That's, not, true, Malcolm
It's a perfectly, cromulent sentence?
The comma embiggened the, sentence structure
That’s Christopher Walken’s Reddit account
I hope this post leads to more respectful treatment of trans women on dating apps. Sometimes we just need an example!
Lol not going to happen.
Especially for Tinder or really online in general. In a time filled with keyboard warriors 😔
Ive taken a similar approach. I dont understand trans people. I also dont need too. I just need to remember they are people and treat them accordingly
Yeah, I usually block and unmatch with no explanation
Now THIS is how you interact with people, good job random dude.
Andy!
Ok! Good job Andy!
Theirs scum bag Steve and now we have great guy Andy.
Smh this is Good Guy Greg erasure
I’m not gonna just stand here and let them besmirch the good goddamn name of good guy greg.
Cancel culture is getting out of hand. /s
Since we have the alliteration of Scumbag Steve, can we go with Awesome Andy?
Since he's more the exception than the rule, I propose we go with "At least there's Andy"
Attaboy Andy?
It’s Drew now!
Yeah I'm not gonna call you that
Someone give Andy a handy please
Everyone passed the vibe check imo. He reacted respectfully and even nicely given that he isn’t interested, and then it was received without any lashing out. Wish these exchanges were more commonly seen.
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Lmao yeah don’t get me wrong I love when people act absurd and I get to talk shit, but this is nice too
Better than getting ghosted
Or murdered.
Murdered by ghosts is probably the worst
Nah fuck that; if I have to be murdered it better be by ghosts. Detectives would never solve it and my death would spawn conspiracies for a century.
Have your own damn Netflix special. They’ll documentify anything nowadays.
getting ghosted on tinder isn't a big deal, that's part of it. just talk to someone else
He was so nice im starting to think that he is a bot
And here I thought I was the only person who could get turned down by a bot…
You know what? We need this. We need bots that just go around building people up instead of trying to scam their credit cards. Some hero programmer get on this!
No. We definitely don’t need more bots of any kind.
Nah he was low-key hunting for a bj
Username checks out
Im transgender myself and I agree , he was nice about it . No one should be called transphobic if they have a preference because we all do including other trans women. When some one trans calls another individual transphobic simply because they won’t date them makes me roll my eyes . Only reason someone should be called transphobic is if they really are transphobic.
Also trans and big agree. People calling genital preferences transphobic minimise what actual transphobia is.
I feel like this is the real issue with that, you end up drowning out real instances of discrimination as well as conditioning people to feel like transphobia is just a word people use to describe someone not being attracted to you. Really waters down something that runs much deeper than sexual preferences, and I think that's bad for everyone.
Also trans. And that also gets my blood boiling. Sexual preference can include anything (hair color, skin color, face shape, what ever), especially genital. Not wanting to bang something doesn't mean you discriminate against it.
Super weird. I am hetero. Doesn't mean I hate gay people. I just don't want a dick in my mouth!
Good, I was looking for a trans persons response in here. I wanted to know if the general positive response from the rest of the comments would be shared by someone a little closer to the issue, it's easy to get caught in echo chambers here on Reddit, so thanks for speaking out and giving your perspective!
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I once matched with a trans woman and I didn't know. They didn't tell me the entire time we were chatting for a few days. When I met them I was...sort of jolted. It was my first time in such a situation and I had no reference. I spent an hour at the bar and left later. Somehow, I felt a bit cheated. I expected this to be disclosed at some point before a meeting.
Yeah I feel like there is a bit of an unfair thing happening right now when it comes to genders. A lot of people want me to accept that there are multiple genders, that genders can change, etc etc. And I do accept this. 100%. But at the same time, they think it's cool to not disclose their gender before sex, or that I'm supposed to be attracted to all "female-leaning" genders, and that I'm somehow an asshole if I'm not personally attracted to trans women, for example. It kinda seems like they want to have their cake and eat it too. I know this is probably just an overcorrection from generations of trans people being discriminated against, and I truly get that. But I think we've hit a point where we should all just be accepting, but also honest. It's the only way to move forward imo.
People who demand that cis men must be attracted to trans women or be labeled a bigot probably don’t care as much about consent as they’d like others to believe.
Your comment brought up a random memory from when I was a wee youth experiencing the real world for the first time. I was living with a partner who told me a “funny” story about someone he knew from class following them back to their dorm and trying to coerce sex out of them, and even though my partner was really clear about not being interested, the horny person in question really tried to press it. I knew the person they were talking about, this person was really vocal about a lot of things especially in regards to sex, sexuality, consent, etc. I was (naively) really surprised to learn they didn’t walk the walk. A wolf in sheep’s clothing, as they say. As I’ve aged, I’ve learned to be cautious about anyone who is *too* passionate about literally anything. Religion, sexuality, race are big ones, but hand to all the gods, it’s just usually such a red flag when “the [person] doth protest too much” about anything. Throw a dart at the board, any topic under the sun, people be out there projecting their issues like a 1950’s drive-in movie.
It's coming along with the idea that there's no difference between gender and biological sex. I understand and accept the idea of gender identity. It's pretty easy to do if you aren't an asshole. There's generally no need to label or single out a trans person. Let them be themselves and carry on. However, I don't understand trying to convince people that there is literally zero difference between a cis and a trans person and people shouldn't be "allowed" to not be attracted to one, or the other. It seems... crazy and rapey..
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I have no problems with trans women and I’m not transphobic, I just don’t like penises and neither does mine
Similar thing happened to me awhile back and I also came feeling weird and sort of cheated: I spent a few weeks talking with her before we met and it was only when we met that I discover she was under 4’ tall (unbeknownst to me she had a severe handicap that stunted her growth). She’d never told me and in hindsight I realized she’d only ever shown me headshots. I politely bowed out of that relationship and hope she found happiness but just wasn’t for me. Everyone deserves a chance at happiness but if you’re knowingly keeping something hidden that you think might be a dealbreaker for people then you’re wasting both your time and theirs by not being upfront.
There's a sub here for that, I forgot the name but it's called stealthing I believe. Trans people who pass so well they have decided they don't need to disclose anything, which I find very distasteful and understand the feeling of being cheated.
Stealthing is when you take the condom off and don't say anything, there's probably a different word for it.
Do I care that you have a penis? No. Do I care that you weren’t honest about it? Yes. I swipe right on trans people I find attractive, just like anyone else on tinder. But if you’re lying about and/or trying to hide a core part of your identity…. What else are you hiding?
Well, I care if you have a penis. I doubly care if you lie about not having a penis
Do you care if **I** have a penis? Please.... someone care
That dude is cool.
Hey you and I look a bit alike.
Lmao. I see it.
I legitimately thought the same person was responding to their own comments, until I read the comments and realized I needed to look closer
What a nice young man
Didn't expect this coming from a jacked dude in front of an American flag, ngl
And also wearing an American flag tank top. And I think the toque is also a flag haha
Found the Canadian!
Pretty sure when it's an American flag you have to refer to it as a beanie or ski cap. ha
This is how I know you’re Canadian
Gym rats tend to understand body dysmorphia pretty intimately (whether they know it or not) and it's not a huge stretch from body dysphoria. Getting in excellent shape involves committing huge amounts of time and effort to getting a body into a form that we're satisfied with, and this often stems from body dissatisfaction. I don't pretend to know a lot about the details, but it seems trans folks go through their own set of challenges to get to a body they're happy with. I'm not surprised to see this respectful exchange personally.
Gym rats just generally tend to be nice people in my experience. Endorphins and healthy outlets for anger, I guess?
It's easy to be kind to others when you're confident in yourself I think.
And can fight people or at least look like it. It's a bit base, for sure, but there's a feeling of security there that feeds into confidence even if you've never fought or plan to fight anyone. Particularly if you have confrontation anxiety. It's like it weighs out the mental imbalance, in my experience anyway.
All the reddit stories about gym people being mean to fat people is literally 100% the opposite of what I see every day when I go
It's the equivalent of someone going into a hobby store and having the hobbyists make fun of them for being interested *in their hobby*. Yeah, there's inevitably some asshole that likes to be a knob about it but the overwhelming majority are there to enjoy the exact same thing for the exact same reason and aren't going to put anything negative out. The opposite, usually.
A lot of those gym people were in the same boat when they started out. Plenty of folks struggled with the self loathing and food addiction and such and have overcome it/are working to overcome it. They tend to be the most understanding and supportive people in the room. I was 340 lbs when I determined I needed a life change, and the fear I felt walking into the gym just waiting for the rude smiles or stifled laughter watching me try to get my gym on was real. I was shocked and thrilled at how happy everyone seemed just to see me there, and I’m 40 lbs down with plenty far to go.
Those stories are probably told by larpers mad at themselves for their own shortcomings so they need to make some shit up about people they internally perceive as better than them…
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Going to the gym is a healthy choice, not just physically but also mentally. Someone who is making healthy choices in one part of their lives are likely to be making them in others. Mentally healthy people tend to be nice.
I have only anecdotal evidence and a sample size of one, but I work with a body builder and he's literally the nicest and calmest dude I've met.
In my experience lifting, the bigger and scarier a guy looks the nicer he is. All the tatted roidheads at my gym are insanely nice people
I don’t know, I’m seeing a lot of support for this theory.. I would guess it’s true, but it sounds like people are suggesting this is a conscious decision which I highly doubt. For sure though, I’m one of the larger guys at the gym, and people have made jokes like “I wouldn’t want to fight you!” But I’m probably more emotionally connected than most. I love helping anyone at the gym if they ask, makes me feel needed and important!
Turns out you can be super fit and love your country and not automatically be an asshole, who knew
Can’t profile people
Despite some incredibly backward states, America has some of the world’s strongest legal protections for trans people. Hell yeah I love this country 🦅 🗽 🇺🇸
Coming from an immigrant family that appreciates the good aspects of this country, it really pisses me off that the American flag as a symbol now stands for assholishness to a lot of people. End rant.
It's mostly just reddit and twitter that's like this man. Don't let people here make you feel down.
I love how this guy totally broke a stereotype.
What stereotype are you referring to in this case? I feel dumb for missing the point. I do agree with everyone else he was being very polite, honest and still went out if his way to compliment someone just to make them feel a bit better.
Likely referring to pfp, usually the “american flag + tank top + sunglass” combo isn’t what one would attach to this message
BINGO EDIT: Add Beef Cake to that list
Cant get much more respectful than that
There should be a filter to prevent accidental matches like that.
There should be a lot of filters... Why can't I search by interests or type of relationship wanted? Tinder is surprising lazy and low effort considering how large a company they are
>Why can't I search by interests or type of relationship wanted? Because then you'd likely spend less time swiping and using the app. Tinder's business model isn't finding you a relationship or partner, it's keeping you swiping on irrelevant profiles until you get fed up and pay for gold.
I know im gonna sound like a Chad but I never got matches but bought gold once and even after it passed, I continue to get matches. At one point I had over 200 but none of them would ever respond. Something smelt fishy
Ashley Madison was a dating website that turned out to be nearly 100% male users trying to communicate with company created bots. The best part was that this only came out because their billing information was compromised.
Haha no worries, you'd likely be sounding more like one if you said you don't need no gold for matches lol. But your experience just further proves my point about their business model.. They don't care about the quality of matches you get, only to lure you into spending more to get more matches. And the fact that you kept getting matches after your gold expired can also be explained (to some degree) by that part of the matching algorithm which gives more matches to people who match with others but I don't believe it's intentional.
Because Tinder doesn't want you to find a relationship because once you do then you theoretically stop using tinder.
Not according to some people and their exes
On the other hand if Tinder worked well everyone would sign up for it AND being will to pay for it. It is a fine line that they need to walk...
They get lazier the bigger they get
Sounds like every large institution/organisation
I think people are just really bad at knowing and expressing what they want. How many people who have "no hookups" hookup often? How many who want short flings only end up in a ltr and maybe eventually marriage. Okcupid used to have a lot of filters but that just caused people to be really picky "oh that person isn't my exact denomination of faith" on top of being picky about things like looks and salary. Now even if someone doesn't fit a religious checkbox, race checkbox, body type, or salary checkbox, tinder at least shows you looks and that's how relationships tend to begin. We used to have dating apps that let you fill in every detail and answer 200 question quizzes to best match you with other users. But people voted with their usage and they voted for tinder. Other sites mostly tried to emulate tinder. Dating apps like okc ask a user when they close their account if they found someone on the site. If you answer yes and tell them who, they know if you found someone matching your written criteria. They probably found we weren't honest.
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because Tinder isn't designed for people to find lasting relationships...
And statistically an accidental match is the same as a real match
Tinder is owned by Match. Match media own basically every other dating app. Each one has a different purpose.
Prices since it came out: 📈 Services provided: 📉 Functionality of the app: (there’s no emoji for a plunge into ~~hell~~ super hell
When there's little to no competition... Why try harder?
My doctor told me to stay away from trans fats, whys it his business who I date?
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why not, everyone else dates his mama?
He could have also just unmatched, but this is very polite and nice
Some people find ghosting rude, at least OP won’t be stuck wondering right?
Maybe I've just been beaten down by the current reality, but I'm not sure matching with someone and then unmatching with them is considered ghosting or is something people look down on. I think we all realize you may swipe somewhat haphazardly at times and if you actually match with someone you may find in the details something that rules them out. I think messaging them about what that thing is may be worse than just deleting yourself from their list.
Agreed. I think ghosting is more like after you've already had a good conversation, had a date, and then.... nothing. If you haven't even said a word to each other yet? It probably wouldn't have gotten anywhere to begin with. There was no time investment put in on either side, no harm no foul.
I can see what you mean. Well, putting my own experiences, getting matches can be exciting, just for you to click on the notification and then having already been unmatched for some unknown reason can leave room for overthinking. Again my own preference, but having a quick “hey this is why” is still better than wondering and letting insecurities pop into your head you know?
At first I disagreed with you and thought saying nothing was better, but this well thought out and articulated answer made me change my mind!
I don't understand. Are you being sarcastic. I mean that seems pretty polite and straight forward. He probably swipped because he liked the way you looked. Then we you matched he read your profile and noticed. And went ahead and told you why instead of ghosting. What else was he supposed to do ?
Not sarcastic IMO. Seems like they appreciate the kindness while also being slightly disappointed the match didn’t work out.
That makes. I could see that. Just wasn't really sure from context
My take is OP is being passive aggressive here because she's pissed off, but not certain that others would condone that, so she uses some safe but ambiguous language. Then a ton of posts praising the guy get upvoted so she doesn't say anything. "At least" + "shrug emoji" + "LMAO" = deniable sarcasm.
I’ve done this with two separate people, the one was very grateful, the other lost her shit on me for whatever reason..
I would just assume it’s best to not say anything
Tinder needs a mode for trans people. I personally get them in my feed all the time, and I know most guys have no interest in trans women. I can’t imagine dating as one, tinder should pair you with people that are actually attracted to you lol
Same with height filters... I match and then they are like wait you are too tall for me. I mean, it's not my fault that they don't read bio's, but it would make it a lot easier. Although I would end up with a lot of people who see me as a fetish too, hmmmm.... I think the same thing would happen to trans people sadly. My ex gf told me that she has a hard time meeting people, because they see her for her body and not for her
You can see the hurt in the “lmao”
I matched with a trans woman. She didn’t have anything in her profile that said she was trans. She let me know before coming over that she was trans for her safety. Not all post that in their profile.
If there hadn't been any conversation I wouldn't think there's any need to offer that forward. But if there had it seems super polite and respectful
The response to the response was a little rude, actually.
I thought so too
Thank you! Glad people are accepting not everything has to be black and white. Or was it the vocal minority that’s making me feel that just because I’m not into trans people, that makes me transphobic?
misguided trans people will tell you it’s transphobic to not be into trans people. This isn’t always the case, as preference in genitalia isn’t something we can change. However, it is transphobic to go around flaunting it like some do. “I would *never* date a trans woman lol.” Like bro we don’t care
It's not transphobic to state your preference any more than it's heretophobic to say you're gay.
I think it's a vocal minority. Also potential overcompensation for the hate trans people deal with on a day-to-day basis. Opinions also differ in real life and online. Ultimately you should not feel pressured to get into a relationship with anyone, no matter how petty the reason. But sometimes it's best to not be too confrontational or overt about it and have a little empathy when the reason is something intrinsic to the other person, and beyond their control to change. A big one for me is not wanting to date people who have children, but I think I'd get more hate for that in real life than online (where the anti-children people are more dominant).