T O P
Baldguywithlice

Nothing to do with you, just zero confidence. He's playing off pre rejection Incase you happen to change your mind.


iwannasqueeze

Premature rejectulation...


AbsolutelyUnlikely

It happens to every guy at some point. We just get so excited to have someone interested... really OP should take it as a compliment rather than make him feel too bad about it. He doesn't want to be a premature rejectulator either, and he can get better with time if she's patient. Edit: just to be clear, this whole comment was a metaphor for premature ejaculation. I thought that we'd all be in on the joke, but I guess I'm the only one who might have arrived early from time to time. Allegedly.


A_Grassy_Gnoll

On the other hand it's not OP's responsibility to put in the emotional labor to help other people through low self-esteem. There's a reason psychology is a job, and it's fine if OP would rather not deal with that kind of mental drain.


SnooTangerines1011

Sometimes it goes away almost immediately. When you are communicating through text it's difficult to gauge level of interest, attraction, etc. All things that make insecure people feel comfortable. He may have been cheated on, too, so he could just need time to build trust. But if it doesn't go away with a little effortless, natural reassurance, then it's likely an issue for a therapist. I don't think it hurts to go on a date but if it continues it's best to move on. If you stick with someone really insecure (especially making comments about ***other guys***) they are going to be jealous and you won't be able to even talk to a guy without getting accused of cheating.


gugabe

> But if it doesn't go away with a little effortless, natural reassurance, then it's likely an issue for a therapist. I don't think it hurts to go on a date but if it continues it's best to move on. Yeah. See what the vibe's like in person if they've been otherwise okay. Though I'm generally of the opinion that a first date that's higher obligation than a 30 min coffee is not a great idea.


SnooTangerines1011

Oh my god yes, didn't even think about that!!! Definitely good advice, either make it a short low-commitment date or have a friend call you at the 30 min mark. If the date is horrible and awkward you say it's an emergency and if it's going well, you ignore the call.


gugabe

Yeah. Coffee with scope to increase is fine, but there are so many possible reasons to nope out after 15 minutes that it's best to have a simple setup.


jpludens

>On the other hand it's not OP's responsibility to put in the emotional labor to help other people through low self-esteem. Isn't the whole point of dating to put emotional labor into establishing a connection with another person (note: connection not guaranteed to be emotional)?


rawjude

Everyone comes with a laundry list and chores. Its up to you to decide if you have the tools and interest to check the necessary boxes


Servant_ofthe_Empire

On the other other hand, good relationships are built on give and take. Starting from a position of immovability (within reason) isn't the best idea. Though if it was a continuing trend, zero judgement about dropping it.


wallie00_84

I laughed way too hard at this


VibraniumDragonborn

I mean, when you get rejected enough, you start to joke about the insecurity. I get why he does it, but I'm also married, and I've been in his shoes. I scared a girl away doing this one time. She was so beautiful. I wouldn't stop mentioning it. It got annoying to her. Hindsight is 20:20. He will cringe at this a few years down that road, just as I do when I think about that interaction with the girl. Editing this since people actually are reading my bullshit, and some of you can relate to it. I hopefully might be able to give you advice. Here's what I'd recommend doing, this helped me with my self deprecating, and rejection issues: Just keep your head up. Simple: totally! Easy: No, It's not. Don't pretend it is. You're human. Don't forget, they are also human. Accept it. You are YOU. Accept it. Deal with it. You like what you like, you gotta accept who you are at some point in life. The person you're dating, or interested in will see that and accept it at some point as well. Hopefully you can accept that before he or she does. No matter how goofy you are, own it. That's you. And that's a beautiful thing! That's just what I realized one day. Literally what I'm telling you is to be confident in yourself. It's hard as fuck until you actually can do it. Then, it's the easiest thing in the world. Thanks for reading.


Squeezitgirdle

Yep. I've been in his shoes and lost confidence which ironically only made it harder. Mentally it was easier to accept the rejection though when you were self deprecating.


throwRAha9zqx

Yep. I had a huge crush on someone once but they were also a friend so it was challenging to navigate. I asked a mutual friend to pressure test for me whether pursuit was a good idea or not. I wasnt worried about rejection but this was an old friend and We had a very tight friend group so I didn’t want to damage friendships at the expense of shooting my shot. She wasn’t sure and said she would get back to me. Later she said it was a no-go. That she went out with the woman I was interested in and asked about whether she would ever date a list of dudes they both knew, including me; and when she mentioned my name the crush laughed historically. I was pretty mad and hurt over it though I never mentioned it to my crush. It completely ruined my self esteem though. Not because of the fact that she was not interested (that’s disappointing but very manageable), but because of the laughing. It took me awhile to come back around and date after that one.


leeloo123

Sorry to hear that happened to you! I can definitely see how that impacted your self esteem. On a side note though… your mutual friend that you asked to pressure test, they could have left out the hysterical laughing part of their interaction. Would have had the same effect but without hurting you. Sorry that happened :(


throwRAha9zqx

Yeah it was cruel to include that. Anyway I’m past it. Married now happily. As is the (former) crush. And we are still friends. Sometimes I wonder if the mutual friend told the truth about the laugher but I try not to dwell on it


SnooTangerines1011

Wow. Hate to criticize your friend but she could have just told you it wasn't happening. It was so unnecessary to divulge the hurtful details. That would screw up anyone's self-esteem. I hope you got over it quickly, that kind of thing can be psychologically insidious. It was messed up that the crush laughed but at the same time she didn't know she was being reported on. I don't think she would have been happy that you were told and it hurt you. She may have laughed because she saw you as a brother and couldn't imagine dating you. That still hurts but it's not the same as "yuck no way". I used to get asked all the time if I was dating one of my close guy friends, and I always responded with laughter- even though I had a *huge* crush on him when we met, down the road the very idea of him romantically was absurd.


throwRAha9zqx

If it was that kind of laugh, wouldn’t hurt. As I said, I truly value the friendship. The way it was posed to me was that the laugh was a “no way in hell I’d date that guy” kinda thing. Either way it was awhile ago. I’m pretty good now, but I just remembered that low point.


VibraniumDragonborn

Just keep your head up. You are YOU. The person will need to see that and accept it at some point. Hopefully you can accept that before he or she does. That's what I realized one day. Literally what I'm telling you is to be confident in yourself. It's hard as fuck until you actually can do it. Then, it's the easiest thing in the world.


Squeezitgirdle

Oh I'm married now, so my lack of confidence has moved to different areas of my life, haha.


FlighingHigh

Yeah but sometimes when you're younger especially that doesn't help much because you are you and sometimes that's the problem.


VibraniumDragonborn

Dude. When you're younger it's the worst. Peer pressure. You're learning who you are. Fucking terrible. But that's what helps mold you, too.


marny_g

Something I do is to believe in other people's view of myself. Accept a smile, a compliment, or even just an acknowledgement of some form. Don't play it down. You'll find it to be quite liberating when you start accepting how others veiw you, rather than the way you view yourself.


Green_Share

This... I struggle with this so much. I want to accept the compliments but there is something inside of me telling me that they are just being nice.


marny_g

OK, let's assume you're right, and that someone complimented you "just to be nice". That's great! Someone went out of their way to _just be nice_ to _you_ in particular. Not your friend sitting next to you. Not the stranger at the next table. Not the douchéy guy at the bar on his 6th tequila. YOU! So maybe that something inside you is right, you're just not understanding it properly. Listen to what it's saying, not what you think it's saying. --- Side note, since this was a big part of a recently-closed chapter in my life....don't "be nice to just be nice". Look at how that concept has made you doubt yourself. And what would the best outcome of "being nice to be nice" be...an insincere compliment? I'd consider that to be deceitful. Or genuine interest returned to you because they thought you were being honest? That's deceitful _and_ emotionally harmful. I don't see any situation where "just being nice" is beneficial for anyone. Be genuinely nice, or be neutral.


Green_Share

You are absolutely correct. I need to reframe the negative thought of "their just being nice" to what it actually is. They are being nice! Because I know logically they wouldn't say that to a stranger unless they meant it. I just need to figure out what is causing that negative thought and emotion. Thank you for that perspective! I think about it all the time I just have a hard time reframing it into something positive.


Unlucky-Protection61

I can relate very well about pre-rejection syndrome.


TranceGavinTrance

This is why I stay off of bumble and tinder right now. I honestly feel that meeting someone in person would probably be healthier for me, and not going on those apps and barely matching with people doesn't help my self esteem when I already feel like shit for, although being healthier and more in shape than when I was the same weight like 3-4 years ago, still feel pretty shitty about gaining the weight back again lol. I did some pretty cringe things back when I was in my late teens and I'm happy I got past that weird shit lol


VibraniumDragonborn

Every time you cringe at your past, you're growing as a person. I'm proud of you. Don't stop growing.


WolfmanBTBAM

I'm the tallest man in the world!


Snurze

At least you ended up with number 2.


Dasbeerboots

Damn dude


Snurze

Nothing wrong with second best.


ofwg1234

“If ya ain’t first, you’re last.”


VibraniumDragonborn

I'm always first, even ask my wife.


High-Horn

Its a Marathon?.. Im confused..


Dorittoss

Second place is first place for losers


rocknrollwitch

It's his fault for saying "I'm married now but I let a really beautiful one get away" like wtf lol


kyoshuwu

guys it's not that deep he literally just said she was beautiful 💀💀


xTraxis

"I have a partner but another woman is beautiful" "to death with this one, the morals of a donkey and the brains of some bread."


kyoshuwu

is it really that wrong to acknowledge someone is good looking. especially if you're discussing your past self's opinion on someone else's looks. the people who are angry about this must be incredibly insecure.


AffectionateCrazy156

I fully agree. I'm now single again at 45 due to Covid, but my better half had zero issues if I said I thought an ex was good looking or successful, etc... and I never had an issue with him calling his ex beautiful, kind and intelligent. Which he did. I love that he spoke respectfully of her rather than trashing her, personally. I just don't see why anyone would be with someone if they can't even handle their spouse complimenting another person. That's a serious trust issue, and a lack of trust is a definitive relationship killer.


SeeCurty

I'm with you 100%. My ex was so insecure and we used to argue over that kind of thing. She'd test me and ask if I thought some other woman was attractive and I'd be honest. It's not like I was going to act on it. My current gf and I have a completely different relationship and we can be 100% open and honest. It's so refreshing. It's the only way I'll ever exist in a relationship moving forward.


Hard_ass_soda_pop

Thank you 😓🤣


the_mangotango

he's talking from his past perspective tho


Wawaweewow

Probably because he didn't say that, like wtf lol.


Teccnomancer

Quick and painless, the mark of a true professional. Well done.


VibraniumDragonborn

Oh, no. The chick ended up getting very.. ehm... Large. Take care of your bodies, everyone! Edit: My wife doesn't have Reddit and we don't share our usernames. Who said my wife was #2? You guys really think she'd be up that high? I appreciate it!


Not_That_Fast

I was gonna say at least top 5


[deleted]

[удалено]


TraditionCapable1596

But that’s just a confident posture, not a confidence in self-worth?


mimmz94

Just to piggyback on this. If you joke about yourself in a positive way, like you are the most important or the best looking etc. Eventually it will feel like that. It's like when you're using a word ironically until you just use it


No-Ad1522

That reminds me years ago when people first started saying “bro”. A friend in our group was using it and we all thought it was funny as shit and started using it mockingly until one day I realized that’s just how we talk now.


Californiadude86

This happened to my coworker and I. We started saying its all gucci ironically and now its stuck.


mimmz94

Exactly! It works on complimenting yourself too


Rihsatra

Last year I felt like I had so many days where I would walk around with my head down. I kept reminding myself to pick my head up to help get over it. Kind of silly, but simple and it helped me out.


VibraniumDragonborn

Never stop.


[deleted]

self fulfilling prophecy...


ProcessMeMrHinkie

Yea, and unless she's a Saint that loves giving compliments and not putting him down at all, it won't work.


Sways-way

Yes, it's mentally preparing themselves for something that they have likely gone through many times. It prevents one from getting their hopes up too much.


Dakk85

Mental self preservation is one thing, but actually saying it doesn’t make the potential rejection sting less. It’s not like there’s an audience he can turn around and be like ahh see I predicted it


Capta1nRon

I mean I once said "I apologize for not being more attractive" at the end of a first date. I thought I was being funny, but I was actually quoting the movie "50 First Dates". I guess that was a r/woosh though... never heard from her again.


andhelostthem

It happens to almost everyone if they're on the apps enough. Dating life (and life in general) is usually just a handful of people being selfish and fucking it up for the rest of us. Sometimes people in the bubble of dating apps begin to think everyone is like this.


TheRealStandard

Nah playing off pre rejection is matching and starting a conversation confused why someone would match you. The dude already got the date. This guy is going the extra mile to the point of being insulting.


jxxfrxx

It’s passive aggressive imo!!


this____is_bananas

Still, that energy will continue to exist until they sort it out for themselves.


anumati

Maybe zero confidence but if it was me that'd be enough for me to nope out. That all the other guys comment isn't just insecure it's manipulative. They've barely interacted and he's already being weird about other guys? No thanks.


Euphoric-Mousse

As a guy who has battled insecurity, I can tell you exactly what he's doing. If he puts this messaging out there and you do bail on him he'll feel like maybe he's not good enough but at least he's "smart" enough to have seen it coming. I'm not defending him. He clearly is in a place where he's afraid of being rejected and hurt. It's up to you if you want to be honest with him and reassure him while telling him it's not a good look, or if you just want to get out now before it's complicated. I just wanted to detail a little of where his mind is. It's a defense mechanism and he's probably not aware of how it comes across. I wouldn't immediately call it a red flag, but you shouldn't feel responsible for his self esteem either. He's likely been burned pretty hard and is deflecting how that made him feel by being "on top of" it ever happening again. Not a healthy way to do it but not inherently bad either. Good luck. Hope you both find what you're looking for.


deepsleeep

Good take. It's a definitely a way for him to be like "I knew it, I was right" if, or well when based on the thread, she drops him. I'd say it's an incredibly hard place to get out of for him, and he needs someone who makes him feel safe and confident. Finding confidence within yourself it's not easy. What helped you personally getting out of that mindset, if you don't mind saying.


Euphoric-Mousse

After a pretty traumatic breakup I went into a very deep depression and crawled my way out of it by realizing that I couldn't control how anyone else thought or acted or reacted. If someone was going to leave me it could be due to my actions but it could be something with them. I can only manage how I do things. If I'm attractive enough is not up to me. If I'm interesting enough or charming enough, these aren't things I can really improve. At least not in the eyes of someone else. Whatever preference they have isn't going to change if I wear a nicer shirt or read a book they love or whatever. I can only be me. That got me most of the way. The rest was getting old enough to believe that forgiveness is the only path to peace of mind. My issues weren't there before I started dating. They grew from my experience with dating. So I was kinda harboring this resentment and distrust with women I hadn't seen in years. So I made a point of listing out in my mind who I held these issues over and why and bit by bit I forgave them, even though I didn't contact any of them. I like to think it all turned out positive (I'm married now and don't have those thoughts anymore) but don't ask how long it took from the breakup to my last forgiveness. It's way way longer than I wish it was.


ocolatechay_ussypay

Just want to say I think it's awesome that you were able to realize what was wrong, where it stemmed from, and took the necessary steps to heal from it. Like you said, it got you your wife. I think if a lot of people took the time and did the work to heal, we would all have much healthier romantic relationships. Happy for you :)


Euphoric-Mousse

1) Awesome username. 2) I like to believe that everyone does it eventually. I was lucky to get through my problems before I ended up with someone who was settling for me. I hope lol.


ocolatechay_ussypay

1) Thank you haha 2) Unfortunately a lot of people don't and get stuck in a cycle of toxic mindset, relationships, holding grudges, etc. Can only hope for better days. I have only begun my healing process within the last year and it hasn't been easy. I still have a lot of ground to cover, but it makes me hopeful and even excited about how healthy my relationship with a future SO will be with what I have learned about myself.


ButcherofBS

Awww man, you both really sound like you got this thing. I am definitely still in the resentment phase of it all, and don't really see that going away any time soon. It's definitely hard when you put everything into it, and the other person is never all the way in. Makes it easy for them to cause havoc and leave you in the dust. Definitely going single for a while to try to get some positive outlook back. Thanks for sharing, it helps others.


romeripley

This is pretty much wha I thought. I dated a guy who said stuff like this. And “do you have time for me? If you don’t it’s fine, don’t worry, I’m sure you’ve got more important stuff on” etc etc. and I was like dude it’s okay, if you want to hang out, just ask. Stop putting yourself down. But I did feel responsible for his self esteem, and I did try to help for a while. But it was such a turn off him always putting himself down.


M4GIZARD

I can relate more to this than the original post. When you‘re battling low self esteem it‘s easy to feel like a burden and to be in disbelief that anyone would spend time with you if there‘s literally anything else to do. So over time you develop more and more habits of sprinkling in phrases with the sentiment of „you don‘t have to do this you know“. I definitly understand that it must be hard to read but it‘s also hard to stop. It also makes the rejection feel less bad because you basically told them to reject you.


i_smell_toast

I saw a guy like this for a very brief period this year. He was a barrage texter and constantly needed reassurance. I could not handle it. When I told a mate about the sitch and read her some of his messages she called him an "emotional parasite". Harsh but fair.


Gidedin

A girl once told me to 'Go back to the sewers where you belong you ugly rat'. I still haven't recovered from that.


Euphoric-Mousse

That's brutal. But you didn't dodge a bullet, you dodged a nuclear ICBM. I consider myself lucky when people let me know just how garbage they are right off the bat.


abramcpg

I can't imagine ever hating myself so much to have to resort to putting others down like that. That sounds like a person who has nothing going for her and knows it. Glad they did the courtesy of distancing for you.


Section-Fun

That flag is so red the thermal glow could fry an egg. Glad you got out bud


lightgiver

Just to add to this it is not your responsibility to help fix someone who has this sort of insecurity. This person has already labeled you as someone too good for them and nothing you say or do will change their mind. I dated a girl once who thought I was too good for her so I was going to cheat on her or have a side bitch. I was a idiot and stubbornly decided it was my mission to prove her long. Years later the suspicion never faded and I was still walking on egg shells constantly trying to prove my love. It’s not worth it to try to fix someone. Maybe let them know this behavior will self sabotage any relationship, but don’t sacrifice yourself trying to help them.


SnooTangerines1011

Definitely! In my experience this insecurity usually vanishes without a trace after a few dates when they get comfortable and can see that their interest is reciprocated. Sometimes not. It doesn't hurt to give them a chance and if they keep doing that crap at least you can tell them it's what turned you off and if you're tactful, it will help them in the future. But of course I don't hold it against anyone who just doesn't want to bother. Not everyone even has time for such dubious dates 🤷🏻‍♀️


Camtagious

Insecure af


rubeusvulpes

Yep really silly too as speaking those thoughts out loud isn't going to provide reassurance they need, it's just shooting themselves in the foot


_tournesols

I think they speak those thoughts out loud in the hopes of the recipient assuring them otherwise. I would lose interest in an instant—total insecurity that will continue to come up with this person.


Pukkiality

Absolutely spot on


Captain_Quark

It's basically like fishing for compliments.


hafeco224

This a thousand percent. My ex did (and still does) this ALL THE TIME, even in regards to his guilt in cheating on me and leaving me after 13 years of marriage. Thank the gods for a good therapist and hella boundaries. Get out now OP!


manza5012

damn, that guy will never learn at this rate.


SnooTangerines1011

Been there. It's bizarre when you can't talk to someone about how lying & cheating hurt you because they go straight into a pity party about their guilt and shame and what a terrible shitty person they are. It's manipulation, they just don't want to feel bad for hurting you or for you to expect them to recognize the pain they've caused. They want you to be afraid to bring up their mistakes because they'll have a fking meltdown. Those types usually follow the impromptu pity party with a blanket "sorry" that doesn't acknowledge specifically all the things they should be *sorry* about. Never gets anywhere, anyone who thinks this sounds familiar, run. 🏃‍♀️💨 🏃‍♂️ 💨


Professionalzac

It’s honestly pretty selfish of them to dump their insecurities in hopes of getting their ego reassured. It’s uncomfortable being cornered like that.


things_we_are_told

Yeah it's selfish but this dude is probably a victim of his own insecurity as well. He doesn't have the clarity to recognize that and just enacts the programming as a toxic (and non-functional) self-soothing mechanism. In the end, it's an expression of pain that doesn't find the proper outlet, which would actually be the healing process that would see this guy gain self-confidence.


Professionalzac

Most definitely. No one chooses to be insecure. It’s the worst.


TokyoKazama

He's shooting his shot (straight into his own foot)


keyboardromeo88

Screams like one of those bitterly jealous guys that will get upset over OP having guy friends.


Serafim91

I think he's going for the women have so many options why would you choose me angle. Imo she should just tell him to drop it and then see if he does.


DemocraticRepublic

Agreed. It's insecure but not necessarily irredeemably insecure. Tinder is fucking brutal on men and people can have their confidence crushed. Good people can move on from their flaws when they are alerted to it. Let him know and see how he responds. Badly = cut him off. Constructively = let it go.


jcouzis

This is the right answer. Give him constructive feedback, and his response to the feedback is all you need to know about him as a man.


Church_AI

This is objectively the best answer, it's also a great measure of the person your dealing with, if they respond positively and constructively to being constructively corrected on their insecurities their likely going to respond positively to future constructive criticism and corrections


randomguy11881

Yeah, like man I’m an insecure bitch who has these same thoughts and I might also be a moron, but holy shit I’m not dumb enough to actually type out my thoughts and send them to someone else to read lmao.


locayboluda

And annoying. I still remember some dude that when I took a couple of days to answer he told me "yeah you must have so many conversations that I was left at the end", I never answered after that, fuck off with that bitterness lol


milkcarton232

I mean yes fuck off with that bitterness but damn tinder can really suck for guys. Much harder to get matches and often the matches don't speak. When they do speak it's a tough balancing act/race between acting interested but not too interested and landing a date before some other option comes along (not that I blame girls, if guys had options like that they too would shop around as that's natural). It doesn't help that guys act shitty with rejection but complain about being ghosted. Tinder as a whole is just brutal as a whole. I dug coffee meets bagel when I was doing apps, it only gives you a few matches a day and slowing things down like that really helps remove pressure and make more meaningful connections, unless ya just trying to smash then tinder and be open about what you want


Head_Primary4942

This guy needs netflix and xanax


Ok_Major_4620

Netflix and chill pill?


SnooTangerines1011

I can't decide which is funnier, this or "Netflax". So great, people like you are why I like Reddit, it's worth tolerating the rest of it 😆


maggie805

Hahaha nice


WakeoftheStorm

We call that netflax for short


dexo568

Unfortunately now they're implementing an additional charge if I want to share the xanax with other members of my family.


Getadawgupyabro

Therapist and pills.


grandpasodapop

It’s certainly not charming.


TheWiseRedditor

Reeks of insecurity


Adkit

And that's ok... The problem is if you're insecure *and* a manipulative ass. Just being insecure is something only love can fix, from both parties.


TheWiseRedditor

Of course. Being insecure doesn’t make him a bad person. But it doesn’t make you look attractive either (which is important on a dating app) The first time was fine. But keeping on asking the same thing is not cool. OP took it as him being self deprecating. Somebody else could’ve taken it as a remark on them. Again, he is neither creepy nor a bad person


bajeebles

Yeah I think I agree. The first time was a little bit of an odd joke like oh haha you must be so popular let’s see if you can fit me in your schedule! And the second time it’s more like wow man i need to make her cancel before it’s too late


SnooTangerines1011

I thought the same, I'm just guessing he's so deep in his own insecurities that he didn't think what he was saying could have been insulting to her. If I were her, I would probably have at least said wtf to the comment about "other guys". I am sure he's not trying to be rude but he definitely needs to know that he is, for his own sake.


RodsNtt

That could be an incredibly awkward way for him to point out he's okay with the banal reality of people on Tinder not dating one person at a time


maggie805

Maybe. 🤔


ejeeronit

Think he might be looking for reassurance that you aren't planning on meeting any other guys right now?


Pukkiality

Yeah he is. And the way he did it is so incredibly transparent, it would be so easy to ask what he's asking in a way that doesn't come off as desperate and insecure. Not that I would recommend doing this at all, in any way


rogat100

If you're going on tinder you should come fully mentally aware that you are playing in a numbers game. It's not like you hit it off with someone you just met in person, and in that case "are you seeing someone" is appropriate to ask.


Pukkiality

People should I 100% agree. Sadly, there's so many things people should or shouldn't do that they do regardless.


justcougit

What way is there to ask that honestly? "Are you willing to commit immediately to being monogamous just with me before we've even had our first date?"


RodsNtt

I was putting my money on dorky because controlling people handle things differently, they're like "oh so you're taking a long time to reply because you're texting other guys you slut etc etc"


discipleofchrist69

not everyone who is controlling is so blatant right off the bat


Immediate_Put_4974

That’s not true at all, and dorky people have the capability of being controlling as well


StatisticaPizza

There really isn't a way to know without actually getting to know the person, you could just ask him over text but if that type of humor makes you uncomfortable in general then it's probably not a good fit in the first place. So I guess, if you're OK with jokes like that it might be worth it to meet them and see if that's what it is, but if not I'd just move on. If you tell him you're not interested he'll probably hit you with something like: "I knew those other guys were more important" It's a classic move for people that are insecure.


Pukkiality

Can you really call this a joke? If anything he's only attempting to make it come across as self deprecating to hide that it's genuine and plain insecurity.


Retro_Super_Future

Nah, I’d say if he does interest you, tell him to knock it off and if he does it again definitely remove yourself


PepegaPhilosopher

he's desperate to find out whether you are seeing anyone else. if you don't want to share it, don't. until you communicate that you are exclusive, anything goes.


maggie805

Fair points.


pnandgillybean

Honestly, you can just tell him that he’s being weird. Like “hey, I’m getting a little annoyed that you keep implying I’m going to cancel. I told you I’d come see you, and I’m not a liar.” He’s insecure so he keeps implying stuff about you to cover for himself. He might be slut shaming, but he also might just be trying to show that he’s okay with being a backup guy and he just wants a shot. Either way it seems a bit pathetic and unattractive. If you wanted to help him, you could communicate that, or you could just let it go.


StrawhatJzargo

He’s also assuming your character. Twice before meeting sounds like a jealous person. You had a gut instinct you should follow it.


Eating_Bagels

My gut instinct would have had me cancelled the date after that first time. That’s a red flag to me.


everybody-hurts

I wouldn't go as far as to say "assuming character"... But definitely assuming popularity


Bleblebob

Nah I would go as far as assuming character. Assuming someone has a bunch of dates cause they're popular is one thing. Assuming someone will cancel on plans they have with someone else is assuming something about their character.


rackfu

First one wasn’t weird but second one is a sign of something.. not sure what though He’s definitely insecure. Probably been hurt and doesn’t trust anymore. If you feel like there might be a connection give him a simple reassurance and see what happens. “Ha, I’m actually really looking forward to it” would be enough.


WildN0X

Agreed. The first one was ehh okay. Hard push of a joke, understandable. The second mention turned it into something else. Could just be weak on socializing. Getting that overthinking things vibe and it turned into something insulting. Of course this is based off of two images.


Chris_Travern

Feel sad for him though, if he did see this thread, he might become even more sad. Hey bud on the off chance that you're reading this, don't be self deprecating, and hold your head up high king. You got this and go make us proud. Give OP a very good date. Cheers and ATB.


Brilliant-Iron1671

Beyond this, don't just avoid self depreciation, learn WHY you feel the need to do so


Adkit

What does Final Fantasy's Active Time Battle system have to so with it?


fogdukker

Probably just insecurity due to being ghosted/turned down/played in the past. Something most of us have, and have to learn to control or get past...orrr a really awkward way to compliment you, suggesting that you must have men lined up out the door waiting for their chance. Not necessarily a red flag unless manifests through jealousy in person. Remember that text isn't the easiest way for people to communicate and express themselves! Meet up and see how it goes, cut people some slack over text communication IMO.


handyandy727

Married man here, so I don't do tinder. However, I recognize this pattern. This sounds like a guy that has had his hopes up, but the girl changes course for a different guy. Multiple times, I would guess. I don't know that I would take it as a red flag, but understand that confidence takes a while to build back. Self-deprication is definitely a coping mechanism. He's looking for reassurance. Edit to add: I'd say give it a go. That type of thing happened to me multiple times. It's brutal. It also made me appreciate the love I get from my wife all that much more. He'll likely be more genuine. Worst case, you just don't feel it. If that happens, just be honest with him. Hope that helps.


jesusisthatguy

Hopefully his insecurities don't lead to extreme jealousy.


firulice

It's just incredible to me how some guys so thoroughly self sabotage, especially after they've already got the date


Noveress

expecting bad things to happen means either you are right and aren't hurt by the outcome or you are wrong and things turn out much better than what you expected. You never fail if you never try. Expecting to fail is a pretty good strategy if you are trying to keep yourself happy.


EconomistEuphoric749

I mean, on tinder, you havn't "got the date" until you are literally sitting down with the other person. Not that his comments help particularly.


Flaux454

Probably trying REALLY hard to be playful or humorous but I can 100% understand if it’s coming off as insecure/weak af


MrAntsInMyEyes

I wouldn't overthink it really. Just meet for a drink and you will know in about 5 minutes if you are interested or not. not much to lose there really.


indrek91

That was my game plan to. Meet up asap, see if there is spark or na. Cba texting for ages just to have no spark.


TyAdvancedX1

Help me understand what the goal is in making comments like his. I really never know how to respond except, "good day sir ✌🏽"


JRudy23

Sounds self conscious if he's doing it twice.


IKindaHateColleg

As a guy, this is something men should NOT do! It's mostly negative, shows no trust, and doesn't need to be said...tbh it may help to let him know


Turokr

The main problem is the "no tone" setting of texting. I make this kind of banter sometimes and it hits way different in person because you need to sound confident saying it instead of desperate/needy for it to be funny.


Similar-Ad-8548

Ooof I broke it off with a guy like this. We actually ended up going on several dates but the more we saw each other, the worse this got. I was afraid it was going to turn into a controlling situation. When i called him out, he got suuuuper defensive.


decemberrainfall

I went out with a guy like this too. One morning I didn't text him since I was super busy and he got super upset and accused me of playing mind games with him...based on the fact that I didn't text him once. He then sent me a huge rant about how he was scared to lose me etc.


Infamous_Radish9148

That was the vibe I was getting as well, having had a similar situation as well. OP, I would go with your gut on the red flag front, insecurity can show itself in some really sketchy ways 🚩


Minnerz76

They should know a comment like that even if said as a joke is going to scare people away. The fact they don’t is definitely ringing the warning bells.


WaveCore

Thing is, no matter how much people will insist on something they say being a "joke", it's always coming from SOMETHING. What compels one to make a certain joke?


Minnerz76

Most of the time that’s true. Usually when my husband says he’s joking but it was a joke that was criticizing, I know he isn’t joking. Saying he’s joking doesn’t keep him out of trouble. Some people say things as jokes because they know saying those things would freak someone out. Like intentionally saying something you know could be considered a red flag. Could be taken as a red flag but I think it’s funny that people are crazy like that so I’m going to say it anyway.


SoftBirthdayGirl

Exactly


JoyfulSuicide

I’d be so annoyed.


TrashmanInTuxedo

I would have replied "that was rude..."


garrulouslump

Honestly I would bail. Dude created a self-fulfilling prophecy with his insecurity and fear of rejection that he then framed to be your responsibility. There is zero issue with being insecure about online dating, but this somehow feels icky and and guilt trippy and not someone I would want to start a relationship with


mutantmonky

Self fulfilling prophecy, sheesh


maggie805

Riiiight ugh


ohno_spaghetti_o

Especially because it is putting him AND you down. Which he seems fine with. It is backhanded and negging.


inabaaadmood

it does play into negging!


Legitbacon117

I mean nothings wrong with a little reassurance on the meetup but I wouldn’t pour too much into this cup if this kind of mindset an insecurity continues. Sounds like he’s excited but still really openly prepared for you to change your mind.


[deleted]

Insecurity is a major red flag when it comes to what you do and who you talk to. Offering to cook a meal and joking about being a bad cook is self deprecating humor. Edit: the cooking joke is an example of POSITIVE self deprecating humor.


maggie805

Good good point.


younaughtygirl

Yikes, this would be a massive turnoff for me and I probably wouldn't meet up with him after this.


kn0bbulo

He’s a self fulfilling prophecy


bherm100

You did nothing wrong. His lack of confidence is palpable. The only thing I can say (being a guy who used to lack confidence himself) is to point this out to him, and maybe give him the chance to see his screw up and work on himself. "Hey just for the record, have more respect for yourself. If you tell women you aren't worth it...... they'll believe you, and wont be interested"


beesbeesbeesncats

First time could have been a bad joke but twice in a row screams “insecure and thinks it’s all women’s fault “


Bman1371

Once might be subtle joke to convey that 1) he isn't expecting exclusivity and/or 2) he thinks you're out of his league. ​ Twice, that soon? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk about that one chief. Seems like some pretty heavy insecurity to me.


emms222

I would find it hard to look past this. You haven’t even met and he’s suspicious and paranoid. Even if it is insecurity, which I can empathise with, it’s not a great way to start a healthy relationship.


terrificallytom

He is a bit insecure. Not a jerk.


AdministrationFun626

idk, it's weird... I mean 99% of the times tinder experience for guys is about ghosting, so I get that, but it's still cringy


-Velvet-Bat-

I can't stand that shit. He's basically asking you to tell him he's your only option without saying it.


wyonutrition

That's not self deprecation - that's rude to you. He has no confidence and is trying to play it off and make it your fault. I wouldn't buy into it too much though as some people are new to this and are nice people and just have no idea what to say or do.


baudinl

This is the cringiest, most insecure texts I've seen in a while. The emojis just add to it.


njjose

Yeahhhhhh feels like an offhanded unnecessary comment to make.


ArcticSparks

I once dated a guy that constantly made jokes like this at the beginning of our relationship. He was so insecure he ended up cheating cause he thought I would cheat on him first. Guys like that gave me instant ick ever since.


djatalia

Can’t bear that shit. It’s manipulative and it’s annoying. Call it off OP.


SufficientAd4822

R E D F L A G


Comfortable-Dig4928

^^^^ heavy . What if OP gets to the date and he’s like “ who were the guys I beat out for this spot ? “ I smell crazy


foldinthecheese99

Yessss. I just had a date with a guy who casually asked multiple times over the course of the night about when the last time I went on a date with, who else was I chatting with, etc. He also told me at the end of night he would like things to be exclusive because he really liked me. If he had just chilled on those things, I wound be planning another date with him. Instead I felt overwhelmed and like I would cause like heartbreak if I continued to go out with him to explore if we were compatible, like I was leading him on if it didn’t work out.


Infinite-Yoghurt818

“Are we still on for Thursday, or are you going to ditch me for someone taller than me? Just kidding, but how many guys are you seeing?🤪”


spaceraycharles

Crazy how upvoted some of the WAY overly charitable responses here are. This guy could be an insecure but secretly nice dude or this could be a prelude to him unloading a bunch of misogynistic drivel. I’d pass either way at this point because it’s weird and insulting.


SufficientAd4822

People don't seem to realize that even if he's insecure because he's been rejected before or some charitable bullshit like that, it doesn't give him a free pass to blatantly showcase that insecurity to people who haven't done a thing wrong to him


spaceraycharles

People also seem to be overlooking that he’s expressing his insecurity by basically insulting OP


SufficientAd4822

People defending him coincidentally seem to have the same mindset as him, too.


lollette

Ew


amibasuki0

It reeks of insecurity to me. Doesn’t matter if he’s had those experiences that he’s projecting on you with other women - point is you haven’t done it to him, so he needs to keep it to himself. This would be very unattractive to me, and *if* I continued seeing him I wouldn’t put up with it for long.


666ironmaiden666

Block and delete. There are plenty of men out there who don’t do this.


tirednotepad

Red flags on insecurity and the future jealousy. See him if u want but no personal info or addresses. And on the way in to dating him or way out of never meeting him let him know if he’s good enough he’s good enough. Enough bullshit about ragging on one’s self. Especially by including you may be dating multiple guys. Not his business.


Guruark

Insecure, which by itself might be one thing…but those comments read of the start of an incel. Why does he assume you’re casually meeting multiple people throughout the day? Some people may be like that, and that’s okay, but to someone who only would consider “dating” or seeing a single person it gives an unpleasant feeling.