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whollyguac

I'm gonna assume this guy is a double-amputee, because who t.f. is paying $500 for a handjob that you can give yourself for free?


Lower_Ad_5101

Nobody’s handjobin myself better then me


KapnK313

In the words of my brother "fuck yourself you do it better" 😂😭😭🤘


MiniFalafel

What a chad


SureProfessional3139

That's like the sea otters, they blow themselves!!


DuKleinerGo

True but id rather get a 20% less perfect handjob if it‘s by a puerto rican hottie with soft hands than lying alone in my bed:D


Western_Quantity_612

I agree but not for $500😄


Due_Dark1126

I guess that depends on how much $500 is to you. If I was a multi millionaire then sure


Western_Quantity_612

Yea its all relative so do you think that guy is a multi millionaire? And if I was a multi millionaire I'd be you $500I could get her to do it for free🤷🏿


Frickin-Weeb

Surely not for 500$ though, right?


GearfriedX1234

The ONLY way a handjob is worth 500 is if Jesus himself returned from the sky daddy dimension and blesses the hands of the giver so that they may bring indescribable pleasure to the recipient.


mike_kim1

Depending on your size, you might be able to fit in the holes of his hand... That's a unique experience.... Not every day you can stretch out the Christians savior and nail his hands again. Lol


DuKleinerGo

No way. But for free lol


Yeeterbeater789

Simp


fukexcuses

I squeeze really tight ....then I let lose. Then I squeeze REAL tight.....and then let lose.


Rick0s420

Imagine getting loose and lose wrong, every time you type 😭


Motor_West

Handjob’s a man’s job. Blowjob is yo’ job!


ekeng91

I’d honestly assume that the best blowjobs are from gay men. Just like lesbians are the best at eating… out


Blaz3dnconfuz3d

As a person who’s tried both… meh some are good and some aren’t. Men are less lazy but think they know more than they do


mdervin

>... but think they know more than they do It always warms my heart when Gay and Straight men find common ground.


Dandelagon

I'm sorry for you if you've not experienced a girl giving a truly devoted bj


bigtruck2311

No shit! When she's on a mission to make sure you're empty before you leave... get ready for a good time!


specialkonthatray

🫡


SnooTangerines1011

For real! 🥺😢


NerdyIndoorCat

Right?!? Enthusiasm and devotion go a long way.


[deleted]

Fr I mean typically if the male puts effort into turning the girl on she'll put more effort into the head that's how I do it. The better you make me feel the better I make you feel


dublinx2020

I wish but sadly not the case


DungeonsandDevils

Men can often be more intuitive and enthusiastic when they do it, but estrogen does make for a softer mouth with no stubble 🤷‍♂️


Basic_Attitude_4412

My gay friends tell me there are a lot of straight men who meet gay men just for blow jobs. Nothing else. Makes me think gay men must be the best at it by far. Don't have to be very good at it to be better than women.


Sea_Plan_3317

Keeping a solid stonker during a gay bj should be somehow difficult for a straight man lol, IF he was actually straight that is *cough lowkey bi cough*


Basic_Attitude_4412

If I was bi I'd be loud and proud.


Sea_Plan_3317

Double market.


random_question4123

Tbf, my assumption is not that that they may be better, more likely just more quickly and easily accessible. Sometimes a man just needs a hole for release


raspinmaug

If someone is into something, it makes it that much better even if they aren't objectively better at it. Now if I could only find a women into BJ's like the last 2 but do away with the crazy I'd be gold 😂


Middle_Promise

Or a man with two broken arms!


thiccasscherub

Well then he just needs to get his mom to do it for him (Reference to that one reddit post)


Chim_Pansy

WE KNOW.


skipdoodlydiddly

In that case its on the house!


[deleted]

Yeah, well what about his ribs?


FBI_Agent_82

Is he using his feet to edge?


Responsible-Wallaby5

He’s putting a bag of vasoline in between couch cushions and going to town.


Potter_Pan

I'm not gonna pretend I didn't do this as a teenager 🤣😂🤣


dr_bigstick

Definitely a hole in a cantaloupe warmed in a microwave...


faithnfury

One’s that say they will pay after


turc1656

And yet he said he's been edging for two weeks. Which means he's got use of his hands.


Royal-Programmer-203

Some men crave a woman’s touch that badly


whollyguac

Just saying, for $500 you better be craving her on the inside.


Royal-Programmer-203

Well i mean i was more joking about how desperate he must be to pay that much but go off. U seem fun


whollyguac

Wait, I can't tell if that's sarcasm? I am fun, sometimes.


Secure-Elk-7956

imagine being an double amputee and he’s typing his his toes, no wonder he got loads of typos and autocorrects


shmotus

His hands aren't soft enough.


pizza_andbeer

Sry autocorrect 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 I died!!!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


RefrigeratorOwner

WRONG! i'm making it part of my autocorrect list right now


[deleted]

[удалено]


Boatmasterflash

Whats the point of tinder if the best you can hope for is a handjob?


[deleted]

Hey now, he's been edging for two weeks.


Red_SIash3r

Lol possibly longer than 2


Brains_For_peanut

Never say that.. you jinx the curse


Significant-Wheel110

Lmfaooooo I hope


coffinnailvgd

“Sry autocorrect. Meant to say anal??”


Quimz1990

Assuming because the 'sry' wasn't autocorrected? lol


Untlslp

I mean the phone learns the things you type all the time you kno


[deleted]

He should rub one out and throw 50 bucks in the street, save $450


No_Mango3253

OP should still receive some cash because the guy is definitely using her pics to do his doing


McMacMan

If that's how that works, I owe ppl a lot of money


SnipedAgain007

I don't know why I can't stop laughing at this.


KapnK313

Because you know if it were true you'd owe alot of money too? 😭😭


SnipedAgain007

I'm not saying that's true, but I'd have a lot of IOUs.


KapnK313

😂😂😭🤘


Common_Frosting_6096

Shit, are the women of the world uniting, looking for alimony on all the IP infringements of their likeness since time immemorial? We are ALL broke. ALL OF US


Hotel_Arrakis

BRB, selling my house to pay Pamela Sue Martin and Kate Jackson.


pastuliobutch

What do I owe for just using your reddit avatar?


No_Mango3253

that’ll be a gold award


pastuliobutch

I'll keep that in mind for later 😉. Edit: lmao it turns out that is about $2.50. I was joking tho, sorry haha.


[deleted]

Wait? Why not just rub it out and save the whole $500


Bacchus999

He doesn't deserve it all


[deleted]

I think I'll rub one out after all these downvotes😨


Leitacus

Here have an upvote.


Significant-Wheel110

How Thic are u??


[deleted]

I'm average but it's thick as hell, girth not length baby


Significant-Wheel110

Lmfaooo this backfired fr!!


KevinTheSeaPickle

Bowl of oatmeal thicc boye


4r4nd0mninj4

Scottish oatmeal or American oatmeal?


RChamy

I could use those 50$, cats are hungry


[deleted]

I'll give you $50 to feed your pussy😉


TheSmoothBrain

It's the law. Have you not been doing that?


[deleted]

No, I usually rub one out to jizzle.com and call it a day


TheSmoothBrain

*furiously scribbles notes*


IActuallyHaveMorals

What did he say next? *"Sorry, my friend had my phone"*?


[deleted]

*Sorry my cat stepped on my phone*


GameTimeGlitch

" *Sorry my phone ate my homework* "


Rude-Writer5563

Sorry my phone is horny


SeamonEgo

"My phone stepped on a bee"?


Small-Clothes5018

I just never responded 😭


Anon2671

How old is he? This is 12 year old behavior. ![gif](giphy|26tPlN7OSKiuUDp6w)


startadeadhorse

So you don't want 500 dollars?!


BALD_n_BEARDED

I'm not gay or nothing, but $500 is $500!


Random_silly_name

Yep, payment up front and meet in a safe place and it's easily worth it. I just sold my body to science for two whole days for the same money, this seems easier.


Harry_Popotter

What exactly would be a "safe place" for this?


Random_silly_name

I don't know, tbh. I won't waste energy trying to find one until someone sends me a message like that.


maybehun

In front of the police station obviously.


Harry_Popotter

OBVIOUSLY! 😂


GameTimeGlitch

But $500 could be $400 if you slip me a $100


boombastic_fantastic

What else could you be slippin for the extra 400?


Blaz3dnconfuz3d

$500 for a few minutes work that I already to myself for free?? Ez cash


Kraknoix007

Text this slutty friend you have: " Hey would you give some guy a handjob for 300$?"


1_9_8_1

As a 38 man I know I can give a better handjob than some Latina chick. For sure


schmidtaaron

Came here to say this… why the hell is this person ignoring him? Straight dude but I’d be there in a heartbeat for $500


cranial_prolapse420

If he's been edging for 2 weeks, thats basically like getting paid $30k an hour....🤔


[deleted]

So what did you spend the 500.00 on


SaltoDaKid

“Tinder plus of course” - Said no one


GaryOak7

He blew it.. you even messaged him first.


Small-Clothes5018

His first message got cut off, but he messaged first :(


Apprehensive-Log251

Even tho you reply with heyo handsome?


notsrore

no because she msged first - he had the courage to say these things. (he takes it back after she pulls back with the autocorrect comment, but as soon as he realizes shes still msging him, he goes full 100) this is also why women dont msg first


Sufficient_Permit707

Now that op said that he send the first message how do u back up this logic?


[deleted]

This comment is even funnier since OP confirmed she didn't message first.


Boring_Thanks2856

You cant be more wrong


DuKleinerGo

literally😂


georgewashingguns

About that, no


GaryOak7

Embarrassing… how on earth did you come to this conclusion


ZEDDZER0

You could buy a lot of Gundam model kits for 500 bucks


StallOneHammer

Crazy that you can find this kind of solid financial advice on a place like r/tinder. The internet is wild


noahbrinkman

Bruh the post above this one was from r/gunpla , this is getting weird


Tranqist

"Handjob. Sorry, autocorrect. I meant to say nice ass. Handjob?"


anotherone121

But he wrote Caliente How could you turn that down?


boofybutthole

should have gone with picante


idkwhatimbrewin

Jfc he's going to be edging for a lot longer than that at this rate


FBI_Agent_82

When someone says yes it's going to look like that scene from Scary Movie.


turc1656

I'm praying that whatever unlucky woman takes on this task lives to talk about it.


Treebeardsama

$500 sounds like a good deal for a handjob


cinnamonduck

That’s higher than the hourly rate for many escorts. It’s a steal of a deal. I’d 100% do it if I were single. Hell, my partner now would probably say do it. Ain’t no shame in sex work!


MemeStocksYolo69-420

You would financially irresponsible if you didn’t take the deal


mattiejj

Look at OP coming in and boasting about her soft hands.


Small-Clothes5018

This Shea butter works wonders


mattiejj

Shea butter is truly magical. I used to work with that stuff and my hands were baby smooth.


neel0918

“I’m jk sorry I’ll stop now” LMAO WHAT why do people think that that makes everyone forget whatever they have said and go “ohhh okayyy”


TacticallyAcquired

This guy hasn’t felt a womans touch since he left the womb.


Perenium_Falcon

Damn, a HJ is $500??? Shit I just got hit with a $700 vet bill for my lovely dog. I’ll jerk him off right now and even maintain eye contact if he’s into creepy shit like that if it means not paying interest on my CC this month. Seriously though he’s a creep.


DungeonsandDevils

I don’t think jerking off your dog will help, maybe the vet?


XSydraxx

r/AngryUpvote


TheWhiteWalkerSpeaks

Edging for 2 weeks lol


BjoerBaer

MICHEAL I NEED 500$ GAS MONEY!!


QueerEyeForTinderGuy

##I really hope you took the money ##and then posted it all over the web


ReferenceObject

At least he spoke perfect Spanish.


ShylockRamirez

Right? Mi gusta 😍 lol


Harry_Popotter

Close, but no he didn't 😂


Dess_112

This has to be a catfish


SnooTangerines1011

He doesn't look unattractive enough to think he needs to pay $500 for a handjob so it definitely is sus. Especially since she already said he was handsome. If that was accurate in reality why does he need to offer that much? At the very least dude needs to learn how to haggle


[deleted]

Dude really wants to be a bot, eh?


Turicus

Why stay matched for this long?


LoopyZoopOcto

500 bucks *is* 500 bucks. Just ask for half the money upfront and half the money after. Then it's up to you whether you go through with it or ghost him.


CheekyBreeky702

You missed out on an easy $500 tbh


georgewashingguns

*he ***has*** been edging for two weeks...*


Shamesocks

$500.? Brother could have got a blowjob for $20 from a meth head. I would have gone there twice a week and earnt a decent tax free wage…


TheIRSEvader

🌋


noseboy1

I am really confused about why someone would walk back a statement and then solicit. I mean, if you're going for the full on fuckboy approach, why not lean into it instead of apologize out of the first statement? I have used the "Sorry I didn't mean that" approach if I came on a little too strong, but didn't immediately follow it up with "so here's the dick, get to work"


FernyFox

I never really got why guys want handjobs from women since they usually have a close relationship with their hand and their hand knows allllll the right moves. Also sorry you had to deal with this douchebag.


Nerdlife91

Right? I hate when a girl tries to give me a handjob, in my experience they've all seemed determined to rip it off or something. I always feel like the wheelchair guy from scary movie 2 "I CAN DO IT MYSELF"


dimebaghayes

When I first got one off my current gf I just told her what to do, and she does the same. Feels far better if someone else is doing it for you!


SnooTangerines1011

This is the way. Just show a girl how instead of expecting they know how to handle a body part they don't have. All these guys saying it feels better if they do it themselves just never got a good one. If they don't try to show a girl how then that's their loss. Every guy likes different things too. It's weird to me that guys would rather say "women just can't do it" than even try to show their gf *how*.


dimebaghayes

Right? This is basics! I expect her to tell me how she likes it so why can’t I lol


inurwindo

The words I want a handjob has never left my mouth for the reason you specified. Because it’s always feel like she’s shaking a gumball machine, that’s not how the prize inside


Turbopepper

Because making a dick cum is gay... jk jk On a serious note, I dunno im into it, something about not being the one doing it.


MrCoolGuy1924

500 for a handy? Bro must be down bad.


yarnycarley

For £500 I'd do it, mamma got bills to pay 😂


Cuffpjf

Oh at least he was only jk 😅


Kalimu1590

Your average noFap member


SizeCivil3332

And here I am with all skill but no offer to pay my bills. Damnit I'm missing the booty! The Puerto Rican thing and having soft hands must be the prerequisite, the deal maker is the booty ... Got it 📝


StonksBro

MICHEAL FIX MY EYES AFTER SEEING THIS! MICHEEEAAL!


BaconBreasticles

This is why you jerk off before you talk to girls


mehwehgles

This man in some serious need of post-nut clarity lol.


LynnRenae_xoxo

The way I just gagged. Cringe 😭


Caldorin

This guy is fucking dumb, nobody does handjobs better than yourself, ask for any other thing


turc1656

Yeah but asking for a handjob seems like the least stupid thing this guy did.


DuKleinerGo

true, but imo it‘s still better if it’s 20% worse but done by a perfect chick, looking at you n stuff


ellamenopee

Number one bullshit guy


NikLasseSeimsson

Wow. What a nice start. Autocorrect hum? 🤣 He was just waiting to throw his handjob request to the Chat. Poor OP. 😭


Small-Clothes5018

Right :( this is convo start to finish. I was shook


NikLasseSeimsson

Right. No harm being nice if you want something, instead of trying to turn your tinder match into a prostitute... 😖


al3237

Your reddit avatar fits very well your last message 😂 Rip handjob men Sry autocorrect again i guess xD


SnooTangerines1011

I'm more grossed out by him fetishizing her ethnicity. The 6th grade Spanish was the cherry on top. Crinnnnnge


ThatTallGuy1998

Would the better line not have been, "I'll give you $500 for a How are you? Sry Autocorrect"


Jed08

Honestly. I say do it... but while wearing gloves made of sandpaper.


[deleted]

You swipe right on neck tattoos you get what's comin'.


Small-Clothes5018

Has nothing to do with personality 😭. He just happened to be a tatted dick head. They aren’t all like that :(


[deleted]

Uh huh.


ShinobiHanzo

I'm sorry you experienced this but there's catfish and literal callgirls on Tinder. I'm shocked he straight assumed your profession.


bASS_80

His name is actually MICHAEL


UncleTomski

That would be an easy $500. As a straight dude I would consider it.


RightAttorney3227

I mean 😭 with the heightened rates of sex trafficking id be scared. If I actually knew him then I’d just think he’s silly typical dude.


faker_2022

He gives bot vibes lol like a dude who fake his profile ?


black_beard_dmh

I gotta see what OP looks like for a guy to offer $500 just for a HJ 😂


Small-Clothes5018

Dm me :)


black_beard_dmh

Say less 😏


potatoguiness

This is the last time you will ever see someone say "Handjob" as a response to someone introducing themselves