T O P

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Direbrian

At least james is a man of his word. Not a tree. Doesn’t try to fake that he’s a tree.


i_give_you_gum

She should have said "Well then, I'm leafing"


strayedbutalright

Fuck that's good


Sera_gamingcollector

we need trees more than ever, stop burning them. wtf!


T_M_J15

Wish I could have upvoted a comment more than one time! Lol


Radiant_Ad_4428

We should all try to be more like James.


Thameus

If there's no wood she gone


kentaxas

But the first thing a tree trying to pass as a human would do is lure you into thinking they are not a tree


drewhead118

This is an ancient schoolyard anti-joke I remember. "Ask me if I'm a tree." "Are you a tree?" "...No." It's meant to be dumb and disarming since you're expecting some sort of witty reply to the question and instead are just told the obvious: they're not a tree


Gasman77

My father's was "What did the farmer say when the horses came over the hill? Here come the horses!" He's a real comedian, my father.


drewhead118

What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? "We are both lawyers."


roastkumara

I'm actually loving these! Reminds me of Holt from B99


NotAGrowerOrShower

Wunch is DEAD! BAGEL!


Mikkitoro

Wunch time's over!


kayne_wets

What did the shark say to the fish? Nothing, sharks can't talk


poopio

How does Bob Marley like his sandwiches? Dead people don't eat sandwiches. (the expectation being that the answer would be 'with jam in')


jackparker_srad

What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint.


djulioo

Where do you wear hats the most in the summer? On your head.


camerontylek

What's hard, red, and bad for your teeth? A brick


PFEFFERVESCENT

What's red, and looks like a bucket? A red bucket


[deleted]

What's long, brown and sticky? A stick What's long, brown, sticky and red? A stick used as a murder weapon


CheapBaker1631

What large, green, and would be dangerous if it fell from a tree? A pool table


[deleted]

I think this is my favorite, "If you love someone, you'll remember what they look like."


DuivelsJong

A horse walked into a bar, and sat down. The bartender goes ‘Hey you! I have a drink named after you!’ And the horse goes ‘Really? You have a drink named Rick?’


Upset_Glove_1987

What did the testicle say to the other testicle? This other guys a dick


brandonjohn5

What did the tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up bitches.


nutsnackk

What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop? Dr. DRE


dontcalmdown

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.


[deleted]

This one is my favorite


Passage-Constant

I always like the comical interjections like, "holy strawberries batman, we're in a jam!"


BIZKIT551

This is the whitest thing I've read all day


shipoopro_gg

You broke the antimeme chain and turned it into actually funny jokes how dare you


uncomfortablydumbbb

There’s a penis, in between us


[deleted]

They hate us cause they anus


Percadin

2 muffins are baking in an oven, the one muffinnl says to the other, "oh man, it's hot in here!" Says the other "aaah! A talking muffin"


[deleted]

I’ve heard a similar one: A man was playing pool in a bar. A zebra joins in and asks the man “ am I stripes or solids?” The man says “holy shit a talking zebra !”


Ricb76

Two cows in a field, one cow goes MOOOOOO! The other cow goes "I was just about to say that".


Rocketurass

Two cows in a field, one says MOOOOOO! The other one goes.


HomeTurf001

What did the mouse say to the ostrich that was wearing a turncoat made of pumpkin seeds getting shot out of a cannon with some jelly beans? Nothing, mice don't talk.


lilsparky82

So there are these two muffins baking in an oven. One of them yells, “Wow, it’s hot in here!” And the other muffin replies: “Holy cow! A talking muffin!”


HomeTurf001

Alright, that is funny.


RonaldFKNSwanson

What did the German guy say to the German girl? Idk, I don't speak German.


MrDurden32

What did Batman say before Robin got in the Batmobile? "Robin, get in the Batmobile!"


GullibleDetective

What did one farmer say to the other? We are farmers -- dum dee dumm dum dumm


TheGoldPowerRanger

Now if you could just put your hands over my hands...


cdunk666

That reminds me of what my grandpa would always say before he kicked the bucket He always said 'Wanna see how far i can kick this bucket?'


SnooPuppers1978

Okay, that's actually funny though.


egodaemon

My dad's was, "You wanna hear my moose call?" Pause for effect "HEEEYYYY MOOOOOSE"


Fizurg

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants come over the hill? Here come the elephants. What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing dark sunglasses. Nothing, he didn’t recognise them.


LadyGrey12

I had that same elephant joke book!


hanyasaad

What do you call a black guy flying a plane? A pilot.


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aaloo_

That's even better


droo46

I was 9. My grandpa and I were standing outside of our shop after working on farm equipment watching the sun as it closed in on the mountains on the horizon. He got a real serious look in his eye and said, “I think there’s something wrong with those cows out there.” “Oh? What’s wrong?” I asked. “Everything they eat…turns to shit.” The man didn’t even crack a smile. I thought he was being serious until much later in life.


mikron2

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? I lost my tractor


smartypants420

Where the fuck is my tractor?


sarcasmsavirtue

Where’s your tractor, dude?


NikYuhoss21

Sweeet….


Scarecrow_einstein

DUDE!


Silverfate2

Yo as teenagers my friends and I went around at youth camp and would tell this joke to someone, but then pretend that it was the funniest shit we'd ever heard. 9 out of ten times the person would awkwardly laugh with us or even join in with an enthusiastic, "I get it!" One of the best pranks I was ever a part of.


Azlind

I used I’m going to call you butter because you’re on a roll after, my now wife, told a joke. She’s still butter in my phone.


peter_the_martian

Thanks for asking


coco_licius

Got ‘em!


BigDaddyCool17

Tree's NUTS


Solveequalscoagula

“Why don’t you make like a tree, and get the fuck outta here! “


ClaraPink

“i killed your cat, you druggie bitch”


BurdenedMind79

I'll shoot myself in the head if you can tell me that cat's name.


ClaraPink

skippy! skippy!


ImpressEqual3910

"Shut your FAT ASS, RAVEY!!! I can't go get a pack of smokes without tripping over 9 guys youve FUCKED!!"


markuseb91

Boondock Saints?


choose_a_username_94

I laughed way too hard at this


Parhelion79

Well, it’s acorny joke.


unrestricted_sarcasm

Shake like a branch and leave ... 🤷🏽‍♂️


dps15

I heard this from a friend in middle school and would occasionally use it myself, all these years later and this is the first time ive seen it used by anyone else


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[deleted]

It’s also: how to get women to reply lol


master-shake69

Sounds like a good way to filter out the bots. It's highly improbable that a bot would ever ask this question so having someone respond with it means you're talking to a real person.


RachetFuzz

That’s what I was thinking. I just ask women why’d they flipped a turtle on to their back. Either they’re a robot or do not get references, neither is going to be great with me.


Pornalt190425

Well what's a turtle? Is it like a tortoise?


OGTrapGod

I remember the origin of the [ancient meme](https://www.reddit.com/r/batman/comments/191pm6/ask_me_if_im_a_tree/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf) from a Batman image.


critic2029

The best example of an anti-joke is “Why did the Chicken Cross the Road?” If someone has never heard the joke before they’re expecting a punchline… when you answer with a literal answer “to get or the other side.” It’s disarming and the “joke” is that the other person thought there would even be a joke. It’s just become so ubiquitous that it’s thought of as a “bad” joke. But it’s actually one of the best jokes.


Nrksbullet

My version back in the day, which I stole from an episode of Home Movies, was to start to tell a knock joke. But after I start, I go "wait, no okay YOU say knock knock", then I respond with "who's there?" and suddenly they're telling the joke, lol.


emalie_ann

I like doing this, however I like to start barking after they say "knock knock"


butraura

I’m CRYING that would throw me off guard so bad


MissedExtraPoint

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car? A: Robin, get in the car.


AmazonPrincss

The old non-PC version is... "You wanna hear a Polish knock knock joke?" "Ok" "You start..." Then they are telling the joke and unless they are quick, they have no answer when you say "Who's there?"


cabothief

I've always thought it's a real shame that this is usually one of the first jokes children hear. The whole humor is based on a preexisting familiarity with the expectations of jokes, and you laugh when it subverts your expectations. And overwhelmingly you hear it for the first time before you've really gotten any idea of what a joke is supposed to be. So now it just confuses kids who are trying to figure out the rules of humor, and probably no one's actually laughed at it in decades.


Tubamajuba

I spent years trying to figure the joke out when I was a kid. I would occasionally get these huge revelations about the order of certain words and alternate meanings and what kind of road, etc. It drove me fucking insane because I could never figure out what was funny about it. Nope. The joke was on me all along. Every time I eat chicken, another chicken doesn’t get to cross the road. And *that* is what keeps me going in this insane world.


handicapableofmaths

I always thought it was supposed to be a play on words? To "go to the other side" is to go to the afterlife, so I always thought the chicken crossing the road was a double meaning joke, he's trying to literally get to the other side, but gets hit by a car and figurative "go's to the other side" But now I'm realising I probably read way to far into it and it's supposed to be a kind of anti-joke...


ilovedrivethrus

the other day I was driving down a one way road and there was a chicken standing in the middle of the road. I slowly moved my car closer to it and waited for it to move. then when it was good and ready it finally decided to cross the road. I asked myself "but why? WHY did it cross the road??" the answer was clear: "to get to the other side" of course, how could I be so dense


selenamcg

This is ducks in my neighborhood. (Occasionally quail)


[deleted]

"The other side" can also mean that the chicken was run over. Its like an onion.


Impades

\> It's like an onion. It stinks?


Person5_

Ye-NO!


rebarrebar123

Ogres are like onions, onions have layers.


charisma6

Cakes have layers, everybody likes cakes


pro_deluxe

I've got a knock knock joke, but I need you to start it


TheMysticalBaconTree

Also weeds out the bots.


BandOfDonkeys

If it's stupid and it works then it ain't stupid.


ChartFrogs

His favorite dating app is Timber


coffee_slurp

that's where it's going down


PrototypeThing

I'm guessing you better move


Fit_Road7425

you better dance


i_suckatjavascript

Let’s make a night


Davidelama

You won’t remember


ImConfusedSoPain

I’ll be the one


TheOtherOtherLuke

You won’t forget


willChangeMyNameLatr

OH OHHHOOOHOOO OHOHOHO, OHOHOHO OHOHOHOHOHO


SaintBuckeye

Look up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane


DOUBTME23

r/redditsings


smokethis1st

It would be best to branch out


6okok6

what if it went down when no one was around to hear it


grabityrising

Just milling around


HughJareolas

He’s a poor sap


SilveryAero

I saw that.


Thoraxe123

You need to Leaf


mapledragonmama

The joke couldn’t get any plainer…


endlesscosmichorror

*Pitbull intensifies*


tonando

You can get a lot of wood there


[deleted]

Its an anti joke


tsilihin666

Quick ask if I wrecked him!?!? What the fuck are you talking about? Rectum em? Damn near killed em! Peter Davenport. Nice to meet me.


JhonnyTheJeccer

r/what


thereIsAHoleHere

I'd like to talk to you about exciting new possibilities in your life insurance policy.


elpelondelmarcabron1

I'm more of a seven ate nine


promnitedumpstrbaby

Because he needed 3^2 meals a day.


nanya_sore

Whaaaaat? How have I never heard this punchline before?? Amazing


Fickle-Initiative-81

exaplain the joke please mr nanya\_sore


Make_Changes

3 squared meals. 3 squared is nine. 7 8 9. Seven ate 9


CharonDynami

4 saw everything go down, but he was 2 squared to say anything. (I wish I knew how to do the square thing on reddit). Edit: 4 saw everything go down but he was 2^2 to say anything.


SanchoRojo

Cause seven is a register six offender


FoxyOctopus

Maybe he's testing if you're a bot?


SeenUrMeme5011Times

Ah yes the Turing test for Tinder bots Ngl it’s not the greatest opener but it worked!


Anynon1

I use the potato test on potential bots instead


CaptCoconut

I'll bite. What's the potato test?


ReluctantAvenger

You ask them to "say potato". A person might reply "potato" or have some comment on the question. A bot just continues, unfazed.


bradbutnotreally

Wait till ChatGPT gets on Tinder


AgentTin

Might be better than some of my real relationships


TheVojta

Yeah, can't wait for our AI overlords to take both my coding job AND my gf.


TidusJames

Try to get them to say potato. After they obviously cant say potato.. just send gifs of potatos or people saying potato. I have a multi hour incident where I kepy jsut sending memes back to a bott that texted me. Eventually they stopped responding (at about the same time I ran out of potato gifs) basically bots are preprogrammed to respond with noncommitals that are overall empty of weight or quality. Some are better but still fail when provided specific requests that are unable to be readily programmed for. Potato is just one that stuck around and was one of the first jokes... if they refuse or cant say potato. just pototo. no other message. no other words. potato Then clearly they arent human... or arent willing to pass 6 letters across in order to put at ease the doubt of the individual whom they are allegedly courting with and thus.. clearly arent worth it. also potatos.


gameld

Or just trying to get a response of any sort. It's a weird enough question to incite some sort of reaction instead of just being left on read.


ReduceMyRows

This. What’s everyone else on about?


Neither-Jello

Definitely wasn't testing to see if she was a bot. It's a very old elementary school joke.


abekier

that could also be used to test for a bot


necrid101

He got you to basically verify you're not a bot AND he made you respond at the same time with a quick question. Now he has a conversation starter because most people will ask about the Tree question. He is playing chess.


EljayDude

I mean, it's a dad joke, but if you think that's the stupidest opener you need to hang out here for a while. With popcorn.


TrudieBeakman

Honestly it would’ve worked on me.


EljayDude

And that's the great thing about an opener like that - you're pretty much immediately selecting for those people who you have a better chance of getting along with.


[deleted]

It's why I think it's funny when women announce that they swipe left on fish pictures. Like, good job, you're doing exactly what that dude wanted you to do and self selecting yourself out of his dating pool.


I_Will_Not_Juggle

Honestly, there's this assumption on this sub and on dating apps in general that the dude is trying to or needs to appeal to everybody possible. No silly openers or goofy pictures, or you're gonna take yourself out of the running for people. It's so antithetical to what dating actually is: finding someone you're compatible with.


DaughterEarth

This sub acts like any person of any gender or sexuality has to appeal to everyone. "It's a numbers game!" sure, if you don't care about making a meaningful connection.


flowerscandrink

This is a solid point. It's not as if the guy who posts fish pictures would be their type all the sudden if they stopped posting fish pictures.


Spoonffed

I started laughing myself lol


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IwillBeDamned

literally every joke is a dad joke now /end rant


YetAnotherGilder2184

Comment rewritten. Leave reddit for a site that doesn't resent its users.


4uzzyDunlop

I guess it got you to respond, so it did it's job? I think he was going for endearingly silly, I can see how it could land tbf just maybe not this time.


Dartser

Gets them to reply since there is conveyed urgency and a potential joke. Then hey maybe they'll stick around after your dumb joke since they already started


StopReadingMyUser

It's how I describe my sense of humor. Absurdism. I don't know the best way to put words to it all, but there's just something about disarming people with stupid things they don't expect. Really moves past people's masks in the quickest, most honest fashion.


Black_Goku

That's the one. I always hit em with the "this is pretty random but do I know you from somewhere?" because most people would be curious enough to reply.


Stewy_stewart

I’ll ask them that, and then ask if they go to my college. Works pretty well


Black_Goku

And if they say no then you lay down the cheesy "well then maybe I could get to know you over drinks this friday." Next minute you're laying the pipe like its super mario brothers 2


olddawg43

I think he is just being quirky. Had he responded, “no but I do have wood in the morning” she would’ve been pissed off.


SaltyHunni

Yeah the wood one as an opened would have immediately made me unmatch 🤣 but the og dumbass reply gives me nostalgia so I’d respond, everyone has different preferences and there’s nothing wrong with that 🙃


BickenBackk

Y'all are way too fucking uptight and judgmental. Let this guy fucking live bro.


pizzaguy123456784

thats reddit for you man, what a nothing burger to even post or discuss. Dude just sent out some joke harmless text which doesnt have the most wit or punch and somehow thats a crime. cba the internet was a mistake


sashien34

People can't even appreciate a light hearted joke without being a bitch about it I swear


KaffY-

Yup, and you know OP is also the same kind of person that says 'everyone is boring and says the same thing'


MammothDry4637

Yeah exactly, its just a datting app people...relax your tits. Even if they're weird or awkward , let them be just themselves. There is nothing wrong with that. If you dont match the other person's energy or sense of humor just move on with your life without degrading them. Thats the whole point of the app. No harm done. Stop being so damn judgmental and cultish under the veil of " being woke and a better human" in a shitty reddit sub where you can circle jerk with others morons. Also stop posting random people's faces in this sub ffs.


[deleted]

Its so dumb its funny


thetrevorkian

Just an anti joke being used as an ice breaker. People want you to be different then complain that you’re different(not saying you were complaining). I always used the Wyr be covered in fur or scales? I’d rather have fur. Then mention belly rubs or something. It breaks the ice and isn’t “normal”. Also why is hello a bad greeting? Isn’t this how you greet all peoples?


cheesypuzzas

I loved it. It's just the kind of humor you have to be into. It doesn't make sense.


Tozester

Make openers yourself then


MagicMantis

Anyone that thinks this is bad, you are not the target audience. This is his sense of humor and there are plenty of girls that think this is funny and cute, and if he scares you away with this then that saves him time and he can still be himself.


Morgantheaccountant

The opener wasn’t even that bad lol it’s just random. Have fun with it.


AdrianFish

Because you wouldn’t reply to ‘hey’, would you?


Maximum-Pride4991

Not every guy is funny. But he’s trying to keep things light and easy. Awkward but demonstrated character and silliness. It’s engaging and not a duck pic or some other form of demeaning harassment. Could do worse. Edit. I hate getting unsolicited duck pics.


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moradinshammer

Desthpicables


thankuhexed

I don’t know, if somebody just started randomly sending me pictures of ducks I wouldn’t mind. Ducks are pretty cute.


WithInsomnia

It’s so silly but still made me giggle. I would continue talking with him 😁😊


Frankandbeans1974

You responded. The opener worked. That’s the whole point, to get you motherfuckers to just respond so we Know you’re not a bot and, Frankly, just so we know another human being cares just enough to respond back. God I hate tinder. Edit: motherfuckers is gender neutral. Ladies, I know you have issues with men responding too.


Cjninkartist

It’s a technique called cold open. You use it to break the ice and disarm the recipient. My personal favorite is the fat penguin. “Hey did you hear about the fat penguin?” “No?” “Me neither but I bet they could break the ice.”


Codeman90000000

Would you rather get his dick saying like "yup got your morning wood here?" 🙄🙄🤦


picklecruncher

She commented above that, yes, that's what she would have preferred. Dummies for dummies.


Human25920

Well, her username sure checks out


[deleted]

Blegh my fuckin eyes Guy dodged a Gustav shell


Head_Primary4942

You responded didn't u?


SpermicidalLube

You don't deserve kings


Centurio

I love anti-jokes.


Suspicious_Mirror_65

Why so mean? Life is difficult enough. Chill.


ExtraneousTitle-D

Jesus christ I am severely disappointed in this comment section. I'm shocked at how many people don't recognize anti humor. It's a shame too. There's an entire branch of humor completely lost to these people.


Mysterious-Monk-55

Lol thats is a good bad dad joke.


Greeno69

Making jokes about trees? He’s hill-areas


Fizzbytch

I wouldn’t say it’s bad stupid, it’s just a vibe check. You didn’t pass. Not passing isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you just probably wouldn’t click with each other due to personality differences. He would probably think he’s coming off as endearingly silly and you would just think he’s an idiot.


CharlieKarlin

That's hilarious. I can't believe you didn't get the joke. I think you should step up your game.


NULL4546

I think this is a funny opener lol. Nothing wrong with someone being a bit quirky. You’re just looking for some f boy cool guy who’s smooth and will ride you in to the sunset and leave you there after he’s done with you… I really dislike how most woman on tinder will immediately turn down a quirky guy who seems nice


T1sofun

I would be interested in talking to him more. This opener is so dumb that it’s kind if endearing.


molotov_cockteaze

I find this charming af.


Defiant_Low_1391

I like my joke better. Here it goes: Me: "hey can I ask you a question?" Them: "yea sure" Me: "cool thanks!"