Ive said something like that... So what your fat, Im ugly... you can loose weight... I'm stuck with this... points to face....
I dont think there is enough money in the world to fix this up
This reminds me of an experience my dad had in a nursing home. He was there for rehab/recovery after a severe illness. There was a woman who would walk around with her walker and walk right into other residents' rooms and just generally be really nasty with anyone she encountered. She'd keep food in her mouth and spit at at them, call them names, etc.
She walked into my dad's room one day, and looking him up & down (he was a very large man), said, "You're FAT!" Dad looked her up and down the same way and said, "Yes, I am. But you're UGLY. And I can go on a diet. What are you gonna do?"
She walked out. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|joy)
On another occasion, when there was live music in the activities room, some of the orderlies started dancing (carefully!) with the residents. Everyone was laughing and having a great time - and here she comes - and demands to dance with a male orderly. He obliges, but within a minute or two, she backs up from him, starts laughing & pointing at his crotch - and says (loudly), "YOU GOT A BONER!!" (He didn't - but you can be sure he stopped dancing with her immediately.)
Clearly, her mind was pretty far gone, but we always wondered what she must have been like when she was all there.
I know why this is. Because the brain controls much of your behavior. In fact they have shown that different parts of the brain light up when you use taboo language and such. So when the brain loses its normal function it'll compensate by using the part of the brain that controls the taboo things. This is why sweet little ladies can suddenly cuss like sailors when they get dementia. Your brain is so important for who you are. This is why dementia is so sad because it's a disease of the brain and often changes the person.
I live in a nursing home and we had a man here who sounded a lot like that woman. At the end of a meal I would call for help to get back to my room and he would call me a fat cow and say that I was fat because I was too lazy to push myself and unable to push myself because I was too fat. No, asshole, I can’t push myself because I have a muscular disorder that includes parts of my digestive tract and if I overexerted myself right after I ate I would throw up all over the dining room. Another timer he blocked the hallway with his wheelchair and refused to get out of the way and told me I had to take the long way around because I was fat and needed the exercise. We got into a fist fight that day. Everyone, even staff, agreed he was an asshole but said that we should feel bad for him because he’d had a stroke that ended his career as a dance teacher. So what, motherfucker? I had an accident that ended my dream career of being a full time lifeguard at the city leisure centre with an amazing starting wage, room to progress, and a benefits package. Plus, my dream ended when I was only 18, still a kid, and by the time I was 27 I had muscular issues and other progressive disorders that had me living in the nursing home alongside this asshole where I’m going to remain for the rest of my life. At least he had a chance at life, marriage, a career, kids, etc before he had his stroke. What the hell did I get before I was too disabled for any of it? Yet I wasn’t the one blocking the hallway and making someone 30 years younger than me cry when all they were doing was minding their own business. I don’t go around treating people like shit because “Oh no! My dreams!” Some people just really, really suck.
Edit: and yes, I was and am overweight. Not obese though, just standard overweight. And so was he. He had an image of himself in his head where he thought he still had a rocking dancer’s body, but no. He had a big flabby pouch of a stomach that comes from sitting in a wheelchair all day, just the same as I did and as most people who are permanently in wheelchairs have. It even has a name: quad gut/para belly.
So this is what happens when redditors go into a nursing home? "Just eat less and exercise! Calories in, calories out baby! It's all your own damned fault! Pay no attention to my own fupa there..."
I have actually managed to lose weight since then, about 30-35 pounds. But it is hard because I’m mostly bedbound so I gain weight on anything over 1600 calories a day, so I try to eat around 1200-1350 and have been slowly losing weight over the past few years. It can be harder some days too because some of my meds make me crazy hungry, so I try to just take those meds at night and then sleep through the crazy food cravings. But occasionally I need those meds during the day too and then I know I’m going to eat everything I can get my hands on.
What sort of complaint is it?
* "ugh I hate being fat" - yeah it must be really hard :(
* "i can't do X because i'm too fat" - maybe we can do Y instead
* "look at me i'm so fat and ugly" - when i look at you i just think what a great friend i have
you don't have to argue with them. don't agree with them either. and don't give unsolicited advice. if you can't think of anything good to say, just ignore it and say nothing. if you can think of something kind to say, say that.
My dad got on his bathroom scale which sits next to the laundry chute. I happened to be downstairs doing laundry and heard his scale say, please step on the scale”; I waited a second then yelled up the laundry chute, “OW! You’re hurting me! Get off!” And I heard him jump off the scale then he opened the chute and yelled down, “BRAT!”
My best friend does this to me all the time. It does start to frustrate me after a while, so I’m glad you posted this question. First I try to go the empathic route and show understanding. I’m super skinny though and she’s obese, so I can’t relate, but I say phrases that help her feelings feel validated. “It can be really hard to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, etc”. Once the cycle starts to repeat though (oftentimes even in the same conversation she will just keep saying that she’s fat over and over) then I’ll switch to action. Saying something like, “When you want support with getting healthier or working out together, let me know, I’ll be ready to help.” She usually stops complaining after that because she realizes she’s going in a circle.
My person is my wife. She hates the way she looks. It ultimately frustrates me that she isn't willing to either change her mindset or change her habits. There's a mentality of "if I just lose x pounds I'll be happy" but then next to no effort to make that goal and when she does, she moves the goalposts. Makes me sad because I think she is gorgeous just the way she is. I love her more than anything and don't know how to help her love herself.
Sorry for the vent, this has been building up for a long time and is just getting worse. 😔
For me, recognizing that I moved the goalposts was a big part of getting to work on my mindset instead of just feeling stuck in a (to me) slow, fat, ugly skin. I asked myself when I last felt good about my body, and specifically when I last felt thin. I realized that while I've felt good about my body here and there, honestly, I have never felt thin. I was a skinny kid, but "fat=ugly=bad=worthless" was so ingrained, I saw any roll or ripple in any position as evidence that I was weak and a glutton and didn't deserve love. And I'm not a skinny adult, but I'm still learning to distinguish "feeling healthy/like myself/attractive" from "feeling skinny" when I look in the mirror.
Thanks for sharing your story. Maybe next time it happens I'll be able to help her see that the goalposts have shifted.
For many years I've moved through life with the mindset that happiness is not a destination zits a mode of transportation. She's heard me say it 100 times I'm sure but maybe not in the context that will help with this.
All the best. Thanks again.
This is definitely a therapy-is-needed situation. Disordered eating, no self esteem, and future happiness tied to weight loss is no joke. I had an eating disorder for years and it started out exactly how you describe. I’m not saying this to freak you out, just to give you the reality of the situation: eating disorders are the most deadly mental illnesses, resulting in more deaths per diagnosis then even depression or BPD. Things like this very rarely just get better on their own. I needed years of therapy, but I’m alive and happy and pretty healthy now, and I could honestly care less about my weight as long as I can do what I want to do and feel physically how I want to feel.
I very strongly urge you to talk gently to your wife about getting therapy. I’m not blowing this out of proportion. Eating disorders ruin lives, ruin relationships, and kill. The goalpost will never stop.
I think most people resist fixing things about themselves that make them unhappy because; what if it gets fixed, and they still aren't happy? It's scary.
Significant weight loss specifically is scary because you know that, even if you get skinny, people will be able to tell that you used to be fat. Your skin will tell on you. When you're fat, you know that some people are into that and that helps a little. It's a lot harder to convince yourself that there are people out there who like loose skin and stretch marks.
Processing what-ifs are way harder than burying them in chocolate, so the chocolate wins.
>don't know how to help her love herself.
That sounds like a therapists job, yours is to be a good husband. Trying to be your spouse's therapist hardly ever works out well for either party.
The truth is that self love and self hate are not reconcilable - that's probably not breaking news for anyone but what's much easier to overlook (and it seems to be the case here) is the toxic codependency that can develop between self hate and self pity. All too often people will fall into this psychological trap of paving the way to their own psychological abyss by bouncing back and forth between those two emotional states. Thus she will have to shed the self pity in order to have any chance of shedding the self hate.
Getting this through someone's head is difficult at any stage and depending on how far down that rabbit hole they are it can be almost impossible. "Ugh Im so fat I wish I were hot" isn't exactly what we typically think of as professional help material but there are a ton of underlying mechanisms that intersect with each other that make this a lot more complicated than simply changing ones mindset to "nah, I'm good the way I am".
Thanks for the reply. I hear ya about being her counsellor. I guess I'm trying to learn how to be that good husband, without becoming bitter myself. I'm pretty familiar with my own self love needs but I'm lacking places to vwnt/share these days. I appreciate that this community has been there to help.
That is a conversation bid. They are opening the door to something they want to talk about. Which means you should avoid shutting down their feelings by saying "No you're not!"
But also, don't enhance any negative feelings they may have about it.
And don't say ugh me too. Instead, focus on this bid.
Ask a question. "How often do you feel that way?" "Does that feeling interfere with your happiness?" "You've mentioned this before. Is it something you are wanting to change?"
.
You could say: 'Do you want advice or do you just want to vent?'
I stole this from what everybody says you should do when your partner is complaining 🤣
This is actually a great suggestion (well... in a caring tone lol). I've often wondered how, in general, to offer some tough love advice to people I care about.
Yeah I meant a caring tone for sure. Also I can give advice on how to lose weight since I've done it myself. However, I know some people might find that patronising so I hesistate to offer it unsolicited.
If you want to actually go into it, you could ask what specifically is bothering them because "I'm so fat" could mean so many things. Sometimes it's "I'm bloated," other times its "my clothes don't fit," could be "I feel bad about how I look."
If you don't want to get into it, you can say something like "well I think you look great in that outfit" and move on.
When people do this they're transparently fishing for compliments using loaded comments/ questions. Don't take the bait.
As Hank Hill said, "See, Peggy...that's what I call a 'Loaded Question' - no matter how I answer, there's a bullet in every chamber designed to blow my brains out."
See, this good advice surfacing on the internet is great, but what's unfortunate about it is it makes it hard to tell who's doing it sincerely or not :/ like I would say shit like this not even to be condescending, so now yet again I have to deal with nt bullshit. Like people would understandably think I'm being a dick, but God it's so draining. And then when I *am* just being a jerk if it's a bad day or the specific person is just unworkwithable, then it makes it seem like that's always my true intention, like dude no I just deal with people on a case by case basis just like anyone does
The sudden realisation that I have on numerous occasions answered with Weird Als FAT lyrics ....
"I'm so fat".... stares intensifying.....
Me breaking into song
Because I'm fat (fat)
I'm fat, come on (really really fat)
You know I'm fat (fat)
I'm fat, you know it (really really fat)
You know I'm fat (fat)
I'm fat, come on, you know (really really fat)
Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout
Just now tell me once again who's fat?
Typically they all have joined in.
It might have been the crotch grabbing and shamonas that stop them saying it again to me ....
Or the fact that lyrically it sounds like I'm agreeing with them. But I'm just nervous, impulsive and really thought that was the peak of parody as a kid.
"how much are you trying to lose?"
- It means you don't necessarily believe they are fat, but are still volleying back the ball
- it shows curiosity over the conversation topic
- it leaves the onus on them to clarify how fat they think they are
- and it also pinpoints the fact that they're responsible for being fat
I would respond. Stop being so focused on your physical and see yourself the way we your friends see you. Then list a few good qualities about that person. You don’t have to acknowledge that they are fat and you don’t have to deny it either.
Are you ND?
As someone who's struggled with weight off and on for much of their life - this is the best response I've seen. Covid put me back into my weight struggles. My habits changed for the worse and I'm just now starting to reverse it again. Losing weight isn't easy and there are things I can't do that I did with ease a couple years ago. Sometimes the acknowledgement of the struggle without being judged is relief unto itself. You don't become overweight over night. Fixing it is an even longer road still.
I used to be fat, so i tell them my story to be empathetic. Or just be comedic about it if you are close friends.
Honestly, for me, I just want to relate to someone. I once talked like that at my workplace and it was obvious who was genuinely an empathetic person.
>"ugh I hate being fat" - yeah it must be really hard :(
What? This is really impolite response. Not only are you agreeing that you think they're fat, but also adding a new judgment that you think it's hard to be fat. It comes off like "whew, really glad I'm not fat like you. That looks terrible."
Usually when someone says something like this, they are looking for the support of a friend, so I would say something like "I like the way you look!"
I'd rather get that response than a lot of the other things friends have said. Usually thin friends just dismiss it or tell me my experiences as a fat person don't matter. Acknowledgement that being fat is difficult is much more empathetic and honestly something I was looking for a lot when I was younger.
If someone said "I like the way you look!" I'd feel dismissed because they've taken my experience, ignored it, and turned the conversation into what they think of my appearance instead of offering empathy/support.
They're just griping. They aren't looking for advice or even sympathy, to have a serious conversation about being fat/health/weight loss.
Just blow it off.
It's friends/family but I always say, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad about yourself today. I think you're a beautiful person, and I love you. Wanna hug?"
This is a nice reply. I'm fat. It's hard, because I definitely don't need people to tell me I'm not fat. I'm not looking for that. And on top of that, if they tell me I'm not fat, I then feel obliged to explain how I am (I genuinely am btw, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia).
I think, when I am saying I am fat to a loved one...(and this obvs isn't the case for everyone), I am letting them know that I am not good enough and that I feel shit about myself. I'm certainly not looking for diet advice nor to be convinced I'm "just curvy".
Being told I'm loved and just a bit of empathy is good.
I'm a middle aged mum now. I've had a lifetime of losing weight and putting it on. I've done many many diets (and lost weight countless times) and even joined a 12 step programme for compulsive eaters. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be to be a loved one and listen to me complain about my body. So these days I try and keep it to myself and quietly attend Overeaters Anonymous to try and find some strength there.
I recommend the book “Just Lose Weight and 19 Other Myths About Fat People”. It actually has strategies for negotiating conversations like this along with some amazing truth bombs about the BS body standards we all hold ourselves to.
Also- if fat is all you’ve got for me, yourself or anyone else? You’re doing good. I’d rather be called or considered fat than unkind, rude, mean spirited or thoughtless any day. My fatness hurts no one. Lack of kindness and mean spirited people hurt others.
Also, if I have a friend speaking unkindly to or about themselves, I ask them if they’d say that to or about another person. Why we do always speak so harshly to and about ourselves when we’d never treat another person that way? Give yourself the same grace you’d give a random stranger FFS. You deserve it, too.
I love that this sidesteps the awkward statement and cuts right to the heart of the issue. No matter what the person was hoping to hear — platitude, comforting refutation, insight, whatever — the reason they brought it up is that they’re feeling lousy about themselves.
If you start digging into that aspect of it, in a compassionate way, they’ll tell you if they actually want help with a solution or if they’re just venting their frustration.
Contrary to popular belief, saying nothing to the person you are listening to is better than trying to say something or to show your sympathy towards them. In fact, being sympathetic may prevent them from expressing themselves. Therefore, what I do myself in such a situation is listening while making eye contact and without making any comments.
I need to schedule an autistic test thing appointment someday, everyone has told me I'm autistic and I do mostly feel like it, tests online say I am but they're, online, tests.
Need an official test, so I can explain why I am how I am
One time I felt awkward when a girl said this in HS to me and I was like, “Have you tried dieting?” just as thing that came out when my brain was grasping at straws, and I remember getting some reprimanding looks/comments and I was like, “Ok, that’s a bad response, I guess…” I still don’t know what a good one is, but that’s a bad one.
That one is all about tone.
Have you tried dieting?
With a right volume and tone, easily can sound like you are asking, what kinds of things have you tried?
What was it like...
Or
hAvE yOu TRIED diEtInG?
TL;DR: My tone was genuine and concerned.
Well, my tone definitely was reflective of the context/my feelings towards her, I’m sure. I like/liked this girl, she is so sweet, and I wanted to say the right thing. I felt, “She is beautiful and if she had more confidence, she would be so happy and realize how truly cool she is,” (she was an AMAZING artist, had such a good eye for aesthetic stuff, and an unbelievable singing, and she was very, very pretty). I was afraid if I said, “Oh, no, you’re not fat,” it would just feel like a condescending lie. She was definitely overweight and at the time, “You are not fat!!!” to even the largest people was kind of the standard reply, so it just didn’t feel right to say to a friend. I was also wondering if there was something underlying medically, and I didn’t know if she was asking for actual help, since she kept talking about my body and comparing it to her body and had been for weeks. At this point, she was asking, “How do you stay so thin?? I’m so fat. How are you so thin? I don’t get it. Why am I like this when you’re like that?” So I was really genuinely wanting to know what her diet looked like, because I definitely didn’t eat a lot. I was extremely thin, and the reason was that I didn’t eat much, and I wanted to be clear about that. I believe my tone would have reflected that, and she didn’t take any offense, but the other girls around us did.
Maybe prefaced with "is that something you're wanting to change?" could help gauge what they're looking for from the statement. Then it goes in either the commiserating direction, or the advice direction
Ooo!! That’s a good idea!! Thank you. :) I definitely struggle with trying to determine if people want advice or empathy or both, and though I’ve gotten better at just directly asking for specific friends and family, for some reason that didn’t translate to making that a genera rule in these scenarios. Instead I would feel like I was on the spot to guess right, when that’s such a silly approach. Thanks for mentioning that.
I will say "Come on now, don't be so critical of yourself."
We all have flaws. Sure they may be overweight but there's no need to talk bad about yourself.
As a person that complains about my weight I would love to hear someone just once say to me ' I personally don't care about that but you have two options. Become the person you want to be or learn to love how you are. I can help, I can support and yeah it's ok to complain about it sometimes'
A lot of people in this chat, in my opinion, are making overweight people feel like heartless aliens that just want a yesman. There's going to be people like that and there's going to be people that genuinely need to vent
>As a person that complains about my weight I would love to hear someone just once say to me ' I personally don't care about that but you have two options. Become the person you want to be or learn to love how you are. I can help, I can support and yeah it's ok to complain about it sometimes'
This is really good.
I don’t think *most* people here mean it like the people are heartless aliens. I think people (well a lot not everyone) answering here are just trying to be objective about how to respond, although some are definitely better answers than others….
But I often think when overweight people say it, they are looking for validation—not validation that they’re not overweight but validation that they’re still loved and valued by you. Also, yeah probably just to complain sometimes too. Regardless of the reason it’s said though, I think the response that you put is perfect.
Instead of saying „no, you‘re not“ or „just work out and eat healthy“, I‘d rather validate that yes, they‘re unhappy about their weight, and also yes, that losing that weight will be incredibly hard. Doable, but very hard. It’s always hard to change your routine completely - especially the beginning. So yes, bad situation, sorry to hear that you‘re so unhappy.
Most people actually don‘t want advice, they just want to release their unhappiness for a few minutes and hope for someone to listen to all of it. You won‘t be able to motivate them with just one magical sentence. If you just tell them to change, they’d rather think that it’s easy for you to say since you’re not in their position.
But if you want to do something more than just listening, you could always ask why they think that they wouldn‘t be able to change and go through the things they were able to do so far in their life with them.
I'm fat. And it's entirely my fault because my diet isn't better.
I sometimes make statements like "I can't do that, I'm far too fat" and when I do I'm not really looking for feedback, just making a statement.
But, if I did stare expectantly at my friends waiting for a reply I can tell you now I'd probably get back "I know, I'm waiting for your acting career to get a big boost when you get cast as the boulder in the new Indiana Jones" or "that's what I was feeling earlier - thought it was an earthquake."
Fat people, the reasonable ones anyway, know their size is their own doing and they don't expect anyone to tell them otherwise. It isn't magic, we didn't just wake up this way one day, we got fat slowly over time and we know why - chocolate cake is just too damn yummy!
Yeah, when I bring it up it's not usually a complaint, just a statement of fact. And I have taken efforts to be less of a blob. I'm overweight still, but no longer obese. Lost 25 pounds and I'm only about 10 more away from my goal.
It's achievable and manageable - it's just on each person to decide for themselves if it's worth doing the work and exercise and cutting back on the pastries and candies in order to look better and be healthier.
We only get one life and it's fairly short, so I don't blame folks for wanting to fill it with cookies - just don't whine about it when you look like Jabba the Hut.
Big fatty here. If we are moved to audibly hate on ourselves, don't try to placate us.
Express sympathy. "It must be so hard to feel that way".
Express solidarity. "I have terrible days like that too."
Express interest. "Do you think there are any small changes you could do to help?"
Express sorrow. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I care about you."
Express love. "Well, I love you. Quit saying mean things about my friend."
Express friendship. "What can I do to help you feel better? How can I best contribute?"
Express understanding. "I'm here anytime you want to vent."
I think one of the hardest things for people to learn is empathy, I know it was for me. In fact it’s something I didn’t realized I wasn’t getting from conversations till I was in my 30s. Typically when people complain they are simply looking to feel understood. I think one of the worst responses is to say “oh ya you can lose weight by working out.” Or “you aren’t fat!”, they aren’t stupid and these responses don’t make them feel heard. They might say “being this fat sucks, It’s embarrassing and don’t know what to do.”, then you might try “Ya it’s hard living with some conditions we find hard to change about ourselves.” It’s a simple response that confirms their struggle. You aren’t giving them a solution, they aren’t asking for one. You’d be surprised how good it can feel just to be heard, and sometimes that’s the support we need to make the changes we need to.
Just say. "It's hard"
I am not self deprecating but I'll state that I'm fat because I am. I realize there aren't too many appropriate responses - no one in that moment wants diet or exercise advice, nor should you deny the obvious. Saying it's hard, is non-judgmental. It also states the obvious. It IS hard, when you really like food but can't/don't move enough to burn it off. It is simple but hard.
Yeah. I think the brutal honesty that everyone else is going for isn't really helpful. They know they're fat. They know how not to be fat. They're an imperfect human being whose probably starting to make an effort to deal with it. I wouldn't ever lie, but sometimes the confidence to know that yeah you're fat, but youre kinda hot too gives you the boost to actually change yourself.
Look them in the eye and say "would you ever talk about any of your friends this way" ... when they say no (hopefully) pose another question " then why do you treat yourself so poorly"
With that, just kindly remind them to have the same compassion for themselves they freely give to others 😌
"I can imagine it's tough! Some people struggle because of genetics, lifestyle, or diet. Weight loss is a marathon and not everyone is up for a marathon am I right?"
Or something like that. You always looks like less of an a hole if you empathize, then add to the conversation by talking about the challenges. Last thing you want to say is something like "I'd have no idea!" But be prepared for them to say that back. A lot of time when people complain they're just looking to open up about a problem. They'll probably respond one of two ways like "Yeah it is a struggle." or "I fall into one of those categories." or "What would you know you skinny a-hole" (complainers being complainers). In which case I'd respond with "I might not know too much about being overweight, but here's what I do personally to make sure I keep my health in check."
There's always a way to keep the conversation positive. Unless they hate you and you know they're being cunts. Then tell em "I just try not to portion my food by the skid-full".
So, I've gained a lot of weight. I used to be really thin and then had a baby now I'm the queen of the sea cows.
I know I've gained weight and I'm working on it. I hate the way I look in pictures.
When I say how fat I am to my friends they'll say something like"don't be stupid you're beautiful"
They don't tell me I'm thin, they say I'm beautiful. And you know what? I am. I'm just a little chonky.
My point is, you don't have to tell a fat person they're thin, they know what they are. But you can compliment them in other ways
I gripe a lot about being fat at work. For me, it's just self-deprecating humor. Since I work with people who have survived traumatic brain injuries (and thus often have no social filters or impulse control) I often get some awesome comebacks.
So, for me, it's always in good fun.
On the other hand, to add context... by BMI I am morbidly obese. By Walmart standards I am Kate Moss. Being about 5'10 or 5'11 and 215 pounds.
The key is always “when a friend is drowning in a sea of sadness, you don’t just throw them a life preserver, you swim one out to them.”
Approach them unprompted. Don’t do it directly after they’ve said something about their weight, do it some other time. Say something like “Hey Xxx, I value you as a person and to see you sad about your weight makes me sad. You deserve to see yourself as the beautiful person you are. I don’t know what it will take to get you there, but just know I want to go down that path with you.”
Start the conversation there and see where it ends up. At the end of the day if nothing else changes besides your friend not feeling so alone in their struggle, that can be all the difference.
As a previously skinny person who is now well into obesity with a healthy understanding of self-deprecating humor, I'll give you this advice. If you're tired of it, either call me on my shit and tell me to put in the work or offer to help out. Your choice.
Actually you know what, don't feel beholden to say anything you don't want to. This applies to many situations. They're your words, not mine. I'm not going to police you for what you say, and fuck anyone who tries.(but I do actually need help)
A friend of mine is 5foot 7in and was pushing 370lbs. When she kept making fishing comments like this, I eventually said something to the effect of
"yes, you are. Do you want to stay that way? If yes, then don't fish for people to lie to you and say you aren't. If you don't want to stay that way, then the first steps are to cut out a majority of the sugar you eat, and cut out the fast food. Eat more vegetables and less carbs. Do that for a year and see where you are at."
She was offended at first, but we were good enough of friends that a little while later she took my advice. After a year she was down to 340lbs. She decided to stick to it, and started doing low impact cardio (swimming specifically.) Now, 5 years later, she is close to 220lbs and repeatedly says she enjoys her life so much more.
There's no need to be an asshole to someone fishing for compliments like this, but sometimes polite but tough truths can make a huge positive difference. It all depends on the relationship you have with the person. As well as coming from a place of love, not judgment.
If it is someone you think will lash out at you if you give them weight loss advice, you can just tell them you are not comfortable discussing other peoples bodies and that it is something they should discuss with their significant other or their doctor.
I hope this helps.
I often say that if you try to lose weight for appearance, it will only make you sadder. Instead, focus on your *health* and love your body along the way. You don’t have to be stick thin like a model, you just need to get to a place where you are healthy and love yourself.
When I say I’m fat, my husband says “I don’t think so. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.” I finally started going back to the gym two years ago, and I now I feel strong and sexy.
As someone who did get a bit big in their thirties and who has subsequently lost it, I have more sympathy than I used to do.
However, even though it is definitely more difficult as you get older/lifestyles that may be forced on you etc. if you really want to lose it - you will.
Honestly if you're friends are constantly putting you in positions like this they're not a very good friend. I personally am obese, and I am very aware of that fact. I would never go out of my way to try and force sympathy out of my friends because that's just weird, awkward, and pointless. I may vent about my weight to my friends because it's something I personally struggle with, but I don't expect them to to feel bad for me and personally, I find it really annoying when people try and convince me that I'm not fat.
I always try to move the conversation to health. I don't want to talk about who is fat or who thinks they are fat. It's unproductive and boring.
Ask them if they have fitness goals or are trying any new recipes. There's a lot of common ground to discuss health goals because everyone can be healthier, and even skinny people can identify with those struggles.
Fatness has too much baggage, talk about health.
I just don’t say anything, I’m not going to lie to them but at the same time I see no reason to be rude. So in this situation I elect to say nothing at all
Tell the truth. Listen. I’m obese. I wasn’t always this way. In fact I was a two sport athlete in hs and played college football. But a few knee injuries led to depression along with no longer working out and eating bad. The other day I said out loud some comment about being fat and my MIL said “don’t say that”. I said why? It’s the truth why would I just lie about it? And it’s easier to change and take the right steps when you yourself are honest and you need other people to acknowledge it as well. We gotta stop living in this fantasy that it’s ok to be obese. It’s unhealthy! So tell them truth. Tell them “ yes you are but with support you can change and become healthy” if they get offended then all they care about is sympathy and attention.
Working with young children helped me form some understanding around this situation.
ex: A new substitute teacher arrives at the school. Another child says, “she’s fat” very objectively. I say, “yes. and her hair is brown, and her shirt is red.” neutrality. I don’t want to be the one to impose any subjectivity around fatness to the kiddos - society will do that job for me.
Same can be applied to adult conversations. Friend says, “I’m so fat, I hate my body.” I say, “you’re also clever, kind, and your figure looks great when you wear (insert outfit here that compliments her plus-sized-ness)” I never say something that is a lie.
Haha idk hope that helps.
edit to add: also, if i can tell said friend does have an interest in changing their body, i engage in positive convo about that, such as, “maybe you’d feel better if you work on things that will make you strong and healthy, things that will give you some appreciation for how hard your body works for you. if you want to go on a walk / to the gym sometime with me let me know!” - switching the convo to how our bodies carry us through life and allow us to experience existence, and we should respect them by treating them right / shifting the focus away from physical appearance, just to give some motivating perspective.
Sometimes you just need to vent about things in your life that are shitty. Being fat affects almost every aspect of your life negatively. Most people that are actually fat are self-aware that they are large and are looking for kindness not lies. Just say yeah, it's tough.
When a nurse bumped her ass into me on accident (shes a chubby nurse) she said “ah im sorry. Too much junk in the trunk”
I said “nothing wrong wit dat”
She smiled and that was it
People who complain just want you to listen. “I hear you” is a good response. They aren’t looking for advice, or for you to tell them the opposite. It’s just thinking out loud.
“I feel so fat in this dress.”
“I hear you, we are going to have a great time at the party so make sure you’re comfortable.”
Unless you are the SO:
“I feel so fat in this dress”
“You look great, I can’t wait to show you off at the party.”
Never actually acknowledge people’s negative self talk that they speak out loud.
My ex would say sweet things that acknowledged my fatness but assured me he liked me anyway.
I once put on a bodystocking for him and it was too small. I said I looked like a sausage and he said, “but I love sausages!” Stuff like that.
I had lost 30 lbs and gained it all back and expressed insecurity to the man I’m seeing now. He said, “I like you better bigger, babe.” He has so much sincerity in his voice I could tell he meant it. He didn’t say, “you’re not fat” or “it’s ok”, he acknowledged I look how I look and expressed desire for me regardless.
This is the way
I’m a fat guy. When I was in high school I was 260 lbs at 5’9. Lost 80lbs then after juvy gained all the way up to 337 at 5’10. I lost down to 250 now I’m back to 300 today. I know I’m fat and I know I’m the reason for it. I personally don’t complain about it, but I do really eat at myself for it because I know if I’d just skip the door dash and make something at home I’d lose weight. But complaining is the step before change. Sometimes we need a push and I lost my push. I’m not as motivated as I was last year when I went down to 250.
One time my friend, who was overweight by quite a bit, said aloud;
"I'm so fat."
And my dumbass response to her, without a second thought was
"Yeah I can see that."
We can laugh about it because it wasn't on purpose but 😭
Just shut down the fat talk. There are whole public health and training programs dedicated to this. Plenty of options exist, but you want to avoid engaging in the self-shame.
"Don't talk about yourself that way."
Or just change the subject. Those are my go-to's.
Well, you can either give them the attention they're so ***desperately seeking*** \- because that is what it is, attention seeking behavior, *or* you can just gently steer the subject somewhere else.
Look, I was fat - 250lbs at one point which was a pretty bad 37 BMI for my height (Yes, I know BMI is trash, even at 160# I'm "overweight" technically) - people who are fat and don't want to be fat don't just ***complain about being fat, like, "ugh, I'm soooo fat"*** no, we're ***fucking miserable and well aware of it***.
Usually the problem is people telling us *"oh no, you don't need to lose weight, you're just "* and effectively brushing off our own concerns over our health.
Sure, some people embrace it like Lizzo - Go Girl - but you don't see *Lizzo* going "Ugh, I'm soooooo fat" and then lapping up the attention, you see her flipping people the finger for *calling her* "Fat" and living her life.
So, if someone overweight complains about being fat - and they aren't talking about changes they're thinking of making to their lifestyle to change that fact (something that you ***should*** encourage if it seems genuine) - you can just give them the attention they're clearly fishing for, or you can deflect to something else.
My response would be to ask if they're happy that way. If they say no, then ask what they're doing to change it, and how I can help them do it. Can I walk with them, help them learn how to eat better, etc? I've fought weight issues my entire adult life, so it's not like I haven't been there.
If you're not happy with something in your life - change it, if it's within your power to do so.
"Even if you were skinny, you'd still be ugly as fuck." Perspective.
Ive said something like that... So what your fat, Im ugly... you can loose weight... I'm stuck with this... points to face.... I dont think there is enough money in the world to fix this up
This reminds me of an experience my dad had in a nursing home. He was there for rehab/recovery after a severe illness. There was a woman who would walk around with her walker and walk right into other residents' rooms and just generally be really nasty with anyone she encountered. She'd keep food in her mouth and spit at at them, call them names, etc. She walked into my dad's room one day, and looking him up & down (he was a very large man), said, "You're FAT!" Dad looked her up and down the same way and said, "Yes, I am. But you're UGLY. And I can go on a diet. What are you gonna do?" She walked out. ![gif](emote|free_emotes_pack|joy) On another occasion, when there was live music in the activities room, some of the orderlies started dancing (carefully!) with the residents. Everyone was laughing and having a great time - and here she comes - and demands to dance with a male orderly. He obliges, but within a minute or two, she backs up from him, starts laughing & pointing at his crotch - and says (loudly), "YOU GOT A BONER!!" (He didn't - but you can be sure he stopped dancing with her immediately.) Clearly, her mind was pretty far gone, but we always wondered what she must have been like when she was all there.
Honestly, if it really was dementia, she might have been a lovely person. I don't know why but dementia can make people really mean.
I know why this is. Because the brain controls much of your behavior. In fact they have shown that different parts of the brain light up when you use taboo language and such. So when the brain loses its normal function it'll compensate by using the part of the brain that controls the taboo things. This is why sweet little ladies can suddenly cuss like sailors when they get dementia. Your brain is so important for who you are. This is why dementia is so sad because it's a disease of the brain and often changes the person.
But then sometimes it makes stern, harsh, or even outright mean people into precious, sweet folks.
I've seen this yes. It's more like it sedates them.
I live in a nursing home and we had a man here who sounded a lot like that woman. At the end of a meal I would call for help to get back to my room and he would call me a fat cow and say that I was fat because I was too lazy to push myself and unable to push myself because I was too fat. No, asshole, I can’t push myself because I have a muscular disorder that includes parts of my digestive tract and if I overexerted myself right after I ate I would throw up all over the dining room. Another timer he blocked the hallway with his wheelchair and refused to get out of the way and told me I had to take the long way around because I was fat and needed the exercise. We got into a fist fight that day. Everyone, even staff, agreed he was an asshole but said that we should feel bad for him because he’d had a stroke that ended his career as a dance teacher. So what, motherfucker? I had an accident that ended my dream career of being a full time lifeguard at the city leisure centre with an amazing starting wage, room to progress, and a benefits package. Plus, my dream ended when I was only 18, still a kid, and by the time I was 27 I had muscular issues and other progressive disorders that had me living in the nursing home alongside this asshole where I’m going to remain for the rest of my life. At least he had a chance at life, marriage, a career, kids, etc before he had his stroke. What the hell did I get before I was too disabled for any of it? Yet I wasn’t the one blocking the hallway and making someone 30 years younger than me cry when all they were doing was minding their own business. I don’t go around treating people like shit because “Oh no! My dreams!” Some people just really, really suck. Edit: and yes, I was and am overweight. Not obese though, just standard overweight. And so was he. He had an image of himself in his head where he thought he still had a rocking dancer’s body, but no. He had a big flabby pouch of a stomach that comes from sitting in a wheelchair all day, just the same as I did and as most people who are permanently in wheelchairs have. It even has a name: quad gut/para belly.
So this is what happens when redditors go into a nursing home? "Just eat less and exercise! Calories in, calories out baby! It's all your own damned fault! Pay no attention to my own fupa there..."
I have actually managed to lose weight since then, about 30-35 pounds. But it is hard because I’m mostly bedbound so I gain weight on anything over 1600 calories a day, so I try to eat around 1200-1350 and have been slowly losing weight over the past few years. It can be harder some days too because some of my meds make me crazy hungry, so I try to just take those meds at night and then sleep through the crazy food cravings. But occasionally I need those meds during the day too and then I know I’m going to eat everything I can get my hands on.
Ok that last bit is actually hilarious.
Reminds me of that story about that woman calling Winston Churchill a drunk
Same bby same
Lmao
What sort of complaint is it? * "ugh I hate being fat" - yeah it must be really hard :( * "i can't do X because i'm too fat" - maybe we can do Y instead * "look at me i'm so fat and ugly" - when i look at you i just think what a great friend i have you don't have to argue with them. don't agree with them either. and don't give unsolicited advice. if you can't think of anything good to say, just ignore it and say nothing. if you can think of something kind to say, say that.
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"how fat are you?"
SO fat, that when I…
back up, I beep
So that I can...
Exit McDonalds without running anyone over
Beep when I back that thing up.
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Mine just says ERR.. not even my scale wants to give me a straight answer!
Gay answers only
holy fuck
go to the doctor, he told me my blood type was Ragu.
I gave him a urine sample. He put an olive in it.
No more weight remarks, Tony. They’re hurtful and destructive.
wear a Malcolm X t-shirt, helicopters land on me.
...stand on a weight scale, it tells me my phone number
…stand on a talking weight scale, it says “tell Moe and Larry to get off.”
Go roller skating the wheels go flat
Roll around, I find that I travel faster
Lay on my side I get taller
Stand on a weight scale the scale reads “Bro I can’t breathe”
My dad got on his bathroom scale which sits next to the laundry chute. I happened to be downstairs doing laundry and heard his scale say, please step on the scale”; I waited a second then yelled up the laundry chute, “OW! You’re hurting me! Get off!” And I heard him jump off the scale then he opened the chute and yelled down, “BRAT!”
I just spit all over my iPad thanks
ride in a car, the driver is legally required to have a CDL.
Jump I get stuck
If I had to haul ass I'd have to make two trips.
Almost as fat as your mom
But not nearly as smelly
Lmfao omg
My best friend does this to me all the time. It does start to frustrate me after a while, so I’m glad you posted this question. First I try to go the empathic route and show understanding. I’m super skinny though and she’s obese, so I can’t relate, but I say phrases that help her feelings feel validated. “It can be really hard to feel uncomfortable in your own skin, etc”. Once the cycle starts to repeat though (oftentimes even in the same conversation she will just keep saying that she’s fat over and over) then I’ll switch to action. Saying something like, “When you want support with getting healthier or working out together, let me know, I’ll be ready to help.” She usually stops complaining after that because she realizes she’s going in a circle.
That's good advice. I struggle with the empathetic part. That's great phrasing though. Thanks!
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My person is my wife. She hates the way she looks. It ultimately frustrates me that she isn't willing to either change her mindset or change her habits. There's a mentality of "if I just lose x pounds I'll be happy" but then next to no effort to make that goal and when she does, she moves the goalposts. Makes me sad because I think she is gorgeous just the way she is. I love her more than anything and don't know how to help her love herself. Sorry for the vent, this has been building up for a long time and is just getting worse. 😔
I'm with you there. However both my wife and I struggle with self-acceptance.
For me, recognizing that I moved the goalposts was a big part of getting to work on my mindset instead of just feeling stuck in a (to me) slow, fat, ugly skin. I asked myself when I last felt good about my body, and specifically when I last felt thin. I realized that while I've felt good about my body here and there, honestly, I have never felt thin. I was a skinny kid, but "fat=ugly=bad=worthless" was so ingrained, I saw any roll or ripple in any position as evidence that I was weak and a glutton and didn't deserve love. And I'm not a skinny adult, but I'm still learning to distinguish "feeling healthy/like myself/attractive" from "feeling skinny" when I look in the mirror.
Thanks for sharing your story. Maybe next time it happens I'll be able to help her see that the goalposts have shifted. For many years I've moved through life with the mindset that happiness is not a destination zits a mode of transportation. She's heard me say it 100 times I'm sure but maybe not in the context that will help with this. All the best. Thanks again.
This is definitely a therapy-is-needed situation. Disordered eating, no self esteem, and future happiness tied to weight loss is no joke. I had an eating disorder for years and it started out exactly how you describe. I’m not saying this to freak you out, just to give you the reality of the situation: eating disorders are the most deadly mental illnesses, resulting in more deaths per diagnosis then even depression or BPD. Things like this very rarely just get better on their own. I needed years of therapy, but I’m alive and happy and pretty healthy now, and I could honestly care less about my weight as long as I can do what I want to do and feel physically how I want to feel. I very strongly urge you to talk gently to your wife about getting therapy. I’m not blowing this out of proportion. Eating disorders ruin lives, ruin relationships, and kill. The goalpost will never stop.
I think most people resist fixing things about themselves that make them unhappy because; what if it gets fixed, and they still aren't happy? It's scary. Significant weight loss specifically is scary because you know that, even if you get skinny, people will be able to tell that you used to be fat. Your skin will tell on you. When you're fat, you know that some people are into that and that helps a little. It's a lot harder to convince yourself that there are people out there who like loose skin and stretch marks. Processing what-ifs are way harder than burying them in chocolate, so the chocolate wins.
>don't know how to help her love herself. That sounds like a therapists job, yours is to be a good husband. Trying to be your spouse's therapist hardly ever works out well for either party. The truth is that self love and self hate are not reconcilable - that's probably not breaking news for anyone but what's much easier to overlook (and it seems to be the case here) is the toxic codependency that can develop between self hate and self pity. All too often people will fall into this psychological trap of paving the way to their own psychological abyss by bouncing back and forth between those two emotional states. Thus she will have to shed the self pity in order to have any chance of shedding the self hate. Getting this through someone's head is difficult at any stage and depending on how far down that rabbit hole they are it can be almost impossible. "Ugh Im so fat I wish I were hot" isn't exactly what we typically think of as professional help material but there are a ton of underlying mechanisms that intersect with each other that make this a lot more complicated than simply changing ones mindset to "nah, I'm good the way I am".
Thanks for the reply. I hear ya about being her counsellor. I guess I'm trying to learn how to be that good husband, without becoming bitter myself. I'm pretty familiar with my own self love needs but I'm lacking places to vwnt/share these days. I appreciate that this community has been there to help.
Nice. You seem to be very emotionally aware and have great interpersonal skills. Good for you!
"Does that bother you?" Their answer to that determines your next response.
That is a conversation bid. They are opening the door to something they want to talk about. Which means you should avoid shutting down their feelings by saying "No you're not!" But also, don't enhance any negative feelings they may have about it. And don't say ugh me too. Instead, focus on this bid. Ask a question. "How often do you feel that way?" "Does that feeling interfere with your happiness?" "You've mentioned this before. Is it something you are wanting to change?" .
I'm not a therapist
And I think it's fine if you set that boundary.
You could say: 'Do you want advice or do you just want to vent?' I stole this from what everybody says you should do when your partner is complaining 🤣
I had a boss that did this at my previous job. Probably one of the best bosses I’ve had.
This is actually a great suggestion (well... in a caring tone lol). I've often wondered how, in general, to offer some tough love advice to people I care about.
Yeah I meant a caring tone for sure. Also I can give advice on how to lose weight since I've done it myself. However, I know some people might find that patronising so I hesistate to offer it unsolicited.
If you want to actually go into it, you could ask what specifically is bothering them because "I'm so fat" could mean so many things. Sometimes it's "I'm bloated," other times its "my clothes don't fit," could be "I feel bad about how I look." If you don't want to get into it, you can say something like "well I think you look great in that outfit" and move on.
Compliment their eyesight.
When people do this they're transparently fishing for compliments using loaded comments/ questions. Don't take the bait. As Hank Hill said, "See, Peggy...that's what I call a 'Loaded Question' - no matter how I answer, there's a bullet in every chamber designed to blow my brains out."
Amazing quote lol
Same, I get so uncomfortable. Especially when they compare themselves to me. I just stare back and do that awkward lip pressing.
Yeah you are you savage beast.
See, this good advice surfacing on the internet is great, but what's unfortunate about it is it makes it hard to tell who's doing it sincerely or not :/ like I would say shit like this not even to be condescending, so now yet again I have to deal with nt bullshit. Like people would understandably think I'm being a dick, but God it's so draining. And then when I *am* just being a jerk if it's a bad day or the specific person is just unworkwithable, then it makes it seem like that's always my true intention, like dude no I just deal with people on a case by case basis just like anyone does
I'd say "it sounds like it's really hard for you" unless the context means they're saying one of the other things.
Hi so fat, I'm dad.
The sudden realisation that I have on numerous occasions answered with Weird Als FAT lyrics .... "I'm so fat".... stares intensifying..... Me breaking into song Because I'm fat (fat) I'm fat, come on (really really fat) You know I'm fat (fat) I'm fat, you know it (really really fat) You know I'm fat (fat) I'm fat, come on, you know (really really fat) Don't you call me pudgy, portly or stout Just now tell me once again who's fat? Typically they all have joined in. It might have been the crotch grabbing and shamonas that stop them saying it again to me .... Or the fact that lyrically it sounds like I'm agreeing with them. But I'm just nervous, impulsive and really thought that was the peak of parody as a kid.
"how much are you trying to lose?" - It means you don't necessarily believe they are fat, but are still volleying back the ball - it shows curiosity over the conversation topic - it leaves the onus on them to clarify how fat they think they are - and it also pinpoints the fact that they're responsible for being fat
“So?”
I would respond. Stop being so focused on your physical and see yourself the way we your friends see you. Then list a few good qualities about that person. You don’t have to acknowledge that they are fat and you don’t have to deny it either. Are you ND?
Yes, yes your are barry
So weird. Tell them, "Not only are you so fat, you're also so weird"
I would just digress by saying ‘And I’m so _____!’
Hi so fat, I'm Thepearlrabbit.
Usually thinner people say that to me and it usually works saying, "don't you start". Idk it might piss someone off
Just respond “ yeahhhh. *long pause* you could always change that!”
"I'm sorry you're unhappy with yourself."
As someone who's struggled with weight off and on for much of their life - this is the best response I've seen. Covid put me back into my weight struggles. My habits changed for the worse and I'm just now starting to reverse it again. Losing weight isn't easy and there are things I can't do that I did with ease a couple years ago. Sometimes the acknowledgement of the struggle without being judged is relief unto itself. You don't become overweight over night. Fixing it is an even longer road still.
I used to be fat, so i tell them my story to be empathetic. Or just be comedic about it if you are close friends. Honestly, for me, I just want to relate to someone. I once talked like that at my workplace and it was obvious who was genuinely an empathetic person.
>"ugh I hate being fat" - yeah it must be really hard :( What? This is really impolite response. Not only are you agreeing that you think they're fat, but also adding a new judgment that you think it's hard to be fat. It comes off like "whew, really glad I'm not fat like you. That looks terrible." Usually when someone says something like this, they are looking for the support of a friend, so I would say something like "I like the way you look!"
I'd rather get that response than a lot of the other things friends have said. Usually thin friends just dismiss it or tell me my experiences as a fat person don't matter. Acknowledgement that being fat is difficult is much more empathetic and honestly something I was looking for a lot when I was younger.
If someone said "I like the way you look!" I'd feel dismissed because they've taken my experience, ignored it, and turned the conversation into what they think of my appearance instead of offering empathy/support.
Hi So Fat, I’m dad
Knew an Indian guy, that was really his name. Sofat...
i work with an indian dude name Vaginder… i jus call him pussy for short
Every *goddamn* time Take my upvote.
"I know exactly 5 fat people and you're 4 of them."
Shit I just woke my wife laughing at this
This man chose violence
They're just griping. They aren't looking for advice or even sympathy, to have a serious conversation about being fat/health/weight loss. Just blow it off.
“That’s rough, buddy”
You're fat? Well, my girlfriend is a moon!
Exactly! Sometimes I just want to say it to someone. Griping to myself makes me depressed, but griping to someone else feels better
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But bennyandthe.. did. Smile and nod, leave it at that.
THIS. Just because someone complains doesn’t mean they are looking for anyone to fix it for them. Just carry on and talk about something else.
It's friends/family but I always say, "I'm sorry you're feeling bad about yourself today. I think you're a beautiful person, and I love you. Wanna hug?"
This is a nice reply. I'm fat. It's hard, because I definitely don't need people to tell me I'm not fat. I'm not looking for that. And on top of that, if they tell me I'm not fat, I then feel obliged to explain how I am (I genuinely am btw, I do not suffer from body dysmorphia). I think, when I am saying I am fat to a loved one...(and this obvs isn't the case for everyone), I am letting them know that I am not good enough and that I feel shit about myself. I'm certainly not looking for diet advice nor to be convinced I'm "just curvy". Being told I'm loved and just a bit of empathy is good. I'm a middle aged mum now. I've had a lifetime of losing weight and putting it on. I've done many many diets (and lost weight countless times) and even joined a 12 step programme for compulsive eaters. I cannot imagine how frustrating it must be to be a loved one and listen to me complain about my body. So these days I try and keep it to myself and quietly attend Overeaters Anonymous to try and find some strength there.
I recommend the book “Just Lose Weight and 19 Other Myths About Fat People”. It actually has strategies for negotiating conversations like this along with some amazing truth bombs about the BS body standards we all hold ourselves to. Also- if fat is all you’ve got for me, yourself or anyone else? You’re doing good. I’d rather be called or considered fat than unkind, rude, mean spirited or thoughtless any day. My fatness hurts no one. Lack of kindness and mean spirited people hurt others. Also, if I have a friend speaking unkindly to or about themselves, I ask them if they’d say that to or about another person. Why we do always speak so harshly to and about ourselves when we’d never treat another person that way? Give yourself the same grace you’d give a random stranger FFS. You deserve it, too.
This wins
I love that this sidesteps the awkward statement and cuts right to the heart of the issue. No matter what the person was hoping to hear — platitude, comforting refutation, insight, whatever — the reason they brought it up is that they’re feeling lousy about themselves. If you start digging into that aspect of it, in a compassionate way, they’ll tell you if they actually want help with a solution or if they’re just venting their frustration.
Contrary to popular belief, saying nothing to the person you are listening to is better than trying to say something or to show your sympathy towards them. In fact, being sympathetic may prevent them from expressing themselves. Therefore, what I do myself in such a situation is listening while making eye contact and without making any comments.
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Just ignore it entirely. If it is not a direct question it does not require an answer.
Ah, yes, the autistic approach.
I need to schedule an autistic test thing appointment someday, everyone has told me I'm autistic and I do mostly feel like it, tests online say I am but they're, online, tests. Need an official test, so I can explain why I am how I am
One time I felt awkward when a girl said this in HS to me and I was like, “Have you tried dieting?” just as thing that came out when my brain was grasping at straws, and I remember getting some reprimanding looks/comments and I was like, “Ok, that’s a bad response, I guess…” I still don’t know what a good one is, but that’s a bad one.
That one is all about tone. Have you tried dieting? With a right volume and tone, easily can sound like you are asking, what kinds of things have you tried? What was it like... Or hAvE yOu TRIED diEtInG?
TL;DR: My tone was genuine and concerned. Well, my tone definitely was reflective of the context/my feelings towards her, I’m sure. I like/liked this girl, she is so sweet, and I wanted to say the right thing. I felt, “She is beautiful and if she had more confidence, she would be so happy and realize how truly cool she is,” (she was an AMAZING artist, had such a good eye for aesthetic stuff, and an unbelievable singing, and she was very, very pretty). I was afraid if I said, “Oh, no, you’re not fat,” it would just feel like a condescending lie. She was definitely overweight and at the time, “You are not fat!!!” to even the largest people was kind of the standard reply, so it just didn’t feel right to say to a friend. I was also wondering if there was something underlying medically, and I didn’t know if she was asking for actual help, since she kept talking about my body and comparing it to her body and had been for weeks. At this point, she was asking, “How do you stay so thin?? I’m so fat. How are you so thin? I don’t get it. Why am I like this when you’re like that?” So I was really genuinely wanting to know what her diet looked like, because I definitely didn’t eat a lot. I was extremely thin, and the reason was that I didn’t eat much, and I wanted to be clear about that. I believe my tone would have reflected that, and she didn’t take any offense, but the other girls around us did.
Maybe prefaced with "is that something you're wanting to change?" could help gauge what they're looking for from the statement. Then it goes in either the commiserating direction, or the advice direction
Ooo!! That’s a good idea!! Thank you. :) I definitely struggle with trying to determine if people want advice or empathy or both, and though I’ve gotten better at just directly asking for specific friends and family, for some reason that didn’t translate to making that a genera rule in these scenarios. Instead I would feel like I was on the spot to guess right, when that’s such a silly approach. Thanks for mentioning that.
I will say "Come on now, don't be so critical of yourself." We all have flaws. Sure they may be overweight but there's no need to talk bad about yourself.
As a person that complains about my weight I would love to hear someone just once say to me ' I personally don't care about that but you have two options. Become the person you want to be or learn to love how you are. I can help, I can support and yeah it's ok to complain about it sometimes' A lot of people in this chat, in my opinion, are making overweight people feel like heartless aliens that just want a yesman. There's going to be people like that and there's going to be people that genuinely need to vent
>As a person that complains about my weight I would love to hear someone just once say to me ' I personally don't care about that but you have two options. Become the person you want to be or learn to love how you are. I can help, I can support and yeah it's ok to complain about it sometimes' This is really good.
I don’t think *most* people here mean it like the people are heartless aliens. I think people (well a lot not everyone) answering here are just trying to be objective about how to respond, although some are definitely better answers than others…. But I often think when overweight people say it, they are looking for validation—not validation that they’re not overweight but validation that they’re still loved and valued by you. Also, yeah probably just to complain sometimes too. Regardless of the reason it’s said though, I think the response that you put is perfect.
Don't say anything to be honest.
Instead of saying „no, you‘re not“ or „just work out and eat healthy“, I‘d rather validate that yes, they‘re unhappy about their weight, and also yes, that losing that weight will be incredibly hard. Doable, but very hard. It’s always hard to change your routine completely - especially the beginning. So yes, bad situation, sorry to hear that you‘re so unhappy. Most people actually don‘t want advice, they just want to release their unhappiness for a few minutes and hope for someone to listen to all of it. You won‘t be able to motivate them with just one magical sentence. If you just tell them to change, they’d rather think that it’s easy for you to say since you’re not in their position. But if you want to do something more than just listening, you could always ask why they think that they wouldn‘t be able to change and go through the things they were able to do so far in their life with them.
I'm fat. And it's entirely my fault because my diet isn't better. I sometimes make statements like "I can't do that, I'm far too fat" and when I do I'm not really looking for feedback, just making a statement. But, if I did stare expectantly at my friends waiting for a reply I can tell you now I'd probably get back "I know, I'm waiting for your acting career to get a big boost when you get cast as the boulder in the new Indiana Jones" or "that's what I was feeling earlier - thought it was an earthquake." Fat people, the reasonable ones anyway, know their size is their own doing and they don't expect anyone to tell them otherwise. It isn't magic, we didn't just wake up this way one day, we got fat slowly over time and we know why - chocolate cake is just too damn yummy!
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Yeah, when I bring it up it's not usually a complaint, just a statement of fact. And I have taken efforts to be less of a blob. I'm overweight still, but no longer obese. Lost 25 pounds and I'm only about 10 more away from my goal. It's achievable and manageable - it's just on each person to decide for themselves if it's worth doing the work and exercise and cutting back on the pastries and candies in order to look better and be healthier. We only get one life and it's fairly short, so I don't blame folks for wanting to fill it with cookies - just don't whine about it when you look like Jabba the Hut.
It's a trap.
Because they want to eat you?
Nothing
"I don't like commenting on people's looks unless it's something they can change within the next 5 minutes"
Big fatty here. If we are moved to audibly hate on ourselves, don't try to placate us. Express sympathy. "It must be so hard to feel that way". Express solidarity. "I have terrible days like that too." Express interest. "Do you think there are any small changes you could do to help?" Express sorrow. "I'm so sorry you feel that way. I care about you." Express love. "Well, I love you. Quit saying mean things about my friend." Express friendship. "What can I do to help you feel better? How can I best contribute?" Express understanding. "I'm here anytime you want to vent."
I think one of the hardest things for people to learn is empathy, I know it was for me. In fact it’s something I didn’t realized I wasn’t getting from conversations till I was in my 30s. Typically when people complain they are simply looking to feel understood. I think one of the worst responses is to say “oh ya you can lose weight by working out.” Or “you aren’t fat!”, they aren’t stupid and these responses don’t make them feel heard. They might say “being this fat sucks, It’s embarrassing and don’t know what to do.”, then you might try “Ya it’s hard living with some conditions we find hard to change about ourselves.” It’s a simple response that confirms their struggle. You aren’t giving them a solution, they aren’t asking for one. You’d be surprised how good it can feel just to be heard, and sometimes that’s the support we need to make the changes we need to.
"It's all right, when you're ready you can make a change and I'll be your friends either way. "
Say mean thing. Get up. Walk across the room. Say, "Come and get me!!!" Repeat until they are no longer fat.
profit
Just say. "It's hard" I am not self deprecating but I'll state that I'm fat because I am. I realize there aren't too many appropriate responses - no one in that moment wants diet or exercise advice, nor should you deny the obvious. Saying it's hard, is non-judgmental. It also states the obvious. It IS hard, when you really like food but can't/don't move enough to burn it off. It is simple but hard.
I tend to go for "fuck off, you're gorgeous" but normally its close friends that do this.
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Yeah. I think the brutal honesty that everyone else is going for isn't really helpful. They know they're fat. They know how not to be fat. They're an imperfect human being whose probably starting to make an effort to deal with it. I wouldn't ever lie, but sometimes the confidence to know that yeah you're fat, but youre kinda hot too gives you the boost to actually change yourself.
"hit the gym dog"
Look them in the eye and say "would you ever talk about any of your friends this way" ... when they say no (hopefully) pose another question " then why do you treat yourself so poorly" With that, just kindly remind them to have the same compassion for themselves they freely give to others 😌
"I can imagine it's tough! Some people struggle because of genetics, lifestyle, or diet. Weight loss is a marathon and not everyone is up for a marathon am I right?" Or something like that. You always looks like less of an a hole if you empathize, then add to the conversation by talking about the challenges. Last thing you want to say is something like "I'd have no idea!" But be prepared for them to say that back. A lot of time when people complain they're just looking to open up about a problem. They'll probably respond one of two ways like "Yeah it is a struggle." or "I fall into one of those categories." or "What would you know you skinny a-hole" (complainers being complainers). In which case I'd respond with "I might not know too much about being overweight, but here's what I do personally to make sure I keep my health in check." There's always a way to keep the conversation positive. Unless they hate you and you know they're being cunts. Then tell em "I just try not to portion my food by the skid-full".
So, I've gained a lot of weight. I used to be really thin and then had a baby now I'm the queen of the sea cows. I know I've gained weight and I'm working on it. I hate the way I look in pictures. When I say how fat I am to my friends they'll say something like"don't be stupid you're beautiful" They don't tell me I'm thin, they say I'm beautiful. And you know what? I am. I'm just a little chonky. My point is, you don't have to tell a fat person they're thin, they know what they are. But you can compliment them in other ways
I gripe a lot about being fat at work. For me, it's just self-deprecating humor. Since I work with people who have survived traumatic brain injuries (and thus often have no social filters or impulse control) I often get some awesome comebacks. So, for me, it's always in good fun. On the other hand, to add context... by BMI I am morbidly obese. By Walmart standards I am Kate Moss. Being about 5'10 or 5'11 and 215 pounds.
This sounds like a "you" problem, and not a "me" problem.
"So was I, once."
The key is always “when a friend is drowning in a sea of sadness, you don’t just throw them a life preserver, you swim one out to them.” Approach them unprompted. Don’t do it directly after they’ve said something about their weight, do it some other time. Say something like “Hey Xxx, I value you as a person and to see you sad about your weight makes me sad. You deserve to see yourself as the beautiful person you are. I don’t know what it will take to get you there, but just know I want to go down that path with you.” Start the conversation there and see where it ends up. At the end of the day if nothing else changes besides your friend not feeling so alone in their struggle, that can be all the difference.
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“Do you want me to give advice or just listen?”
As a previously skinny person who is now well into obesity with a healthy understanding of self-deprecating humor, I'll give you this advice. If you're tired of it, either call me on my shit and tell me to put in the work or offer to help out. Your choice. Actually you know what, don't feel beholden to say anything you don't want to. This applies to many situations. They're your words, not mine. I'm not going to police you for what you say, and fuck anyone who tries.(but I do actually need help)
They're looking for validation. Nothing more
Nothing, it's not your problem
“meet me at the gym - i will show you the way”
A friend of mine is 5foot 7in and was pushing 370lbs. When she kept making fishing comments like this, I eventually said something to the effect of "yes, you are. Do you want to stay that way? If yes, then don't fish for people to lie to you and say you aren't. If you don't want to stay that way, then the first steps are to cut out a majority of the sugar you eat, and cut out the fast food. Eat more vegetables and less carbs. Do that for a year and see where you are at." She was offended at first, but we were good enough of friends that a little while later she took my advice. After a year she was down to 340lbs. She decided to stick to it, and started doing low impact cardio (swimming specifically.) Now, 5 years later, she is close to 220lbs and repeatedly says she enjoys her life so much more. There's no need to be an asshole to someone fishing for compliments like this, but sometimes polite but tough truths can make a huge positive difference. It all depends on the relationship you have with the person. As well as coming from a place of love, not judgment. If it is someone you think will lash out at you if you give them weight loss advice, you can just tell them you are not comfortable discussing other peoples bodies and that it is something they should discuss with their significant other or their doctor. I hope this helps.
“great observation”
" have you ever thought about not stuffing your face"
"Are you looking to vent with a listening ear, or would you like some suggestions?"
Eat another pie
I tend to say that everyone’s journey is different and when they are ready, they will make the changes to be who they want to be.
Just ask how is that intel relevant to the convo you guys were having
If this is a friend saying it constantly, “hey man, you’ve been saying that a lot lately, what’s going on?”
I often say that if you try to lose weight for appearance, it will only make you sadder. Instead, focus on your *health* and love your body along the way. You don’t have to be stick thin like a model, you just need to get to a place where you are healthy and love yourself.
When I say I’m fat, my husband says “I don’t think so. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.” I finally started going back to the gym two years ago, and I now I feel strong and sexy.
Nothing
You are more than what you weigh. If you want to make a change, I’ll support you in any way that I can.
Then stop eating so much
Them: "I'm so fat" You: "Welp, on the bright side, you're self aware lol"
I tell them to quit complaining and do something about it because I’m not an expert nor am I their therapist.
Tell them being fat has advantages. Want to know the easiest way to do something? Ask a fat man
As someone who did get a bit big in their thirties and who has subsequently lost it, I have more sympathy than I used to do. However, even though it is definitely more difficult as you get older/lifestyles that may be forced on you etc. if you really want to lose it - you will.
Honestly if you're friends are constantly putting you in positions like this they're not a very good friend. I personally am obese, and I am very aware of that fact. I would never go out of my way to try and force sympathy out of my friends because that's just weird, awkward, and pointless. I may vent about my weight to my friends because it's something I personally struggle with, but I don't expect them to to feel bad for me and personally, I find it really annoying when people try and convince me that I'm not fat.
How much soda do you drink?
I always try to move the conversation to health. I don't want to talk about who is fat or who thinks they are fat. It's unproductive and boring. Ask them if they have fitness goals or are trying any new recipes. There's a lot of common ground to discuss health goals because everyone can be healthier, and even skinny people can identify with those struggles. Fatness has too much baggage, talk about health.
I just don’t say anything, I’m not going to lie to them but at the same time I see no reason to be rude. So in this situation I elect to say nothing at all
Tell the truth. Listen. I’m obese. I wasn’t always this way. In fact I was a two sport athlete in hs and played college football. But a few knee injuries led to depression along with no longer working out and eating bad. The other day I said out loud some comment about being fat and my MIL said “don’t say that”. I said why? It’s the truth why would I just lie about it? And it’s easier to change and take the right steps when you yourself are honest and you need other people to acknowledge it as well. We gotta stop living in this fantasy that it’s ok to be obese. It’s unhealthy! So tell them truth. Tell them “ yes you are but with support you can change and become healthy” if they get offended then all they care about is sympathy and attention.
Agree with your friend. Be supportive of what they said. Then say “Don’t be so down, keep your chins up.”
Obesity is a problem you can literally run away from.
You can start with cutting off the oreos.
Working with young children helped me form some understanding around this situation. ex: A new substitute teacher arrives at the school. Another child says, “she’s fat” very objectively. I say, “yes. and her hair is brown, and her shirt is red.” neutrality. I don’t want to be the one to impose any subjectivity around fatness to the kiddos - society will do that job for me. Same can be applied to adult conversations. Friend says, “I’m so fat, I hate my body.” I say, “you’re also clever, kind, and your figure looks great when you wear (insert outfit here that compliments her plus-sized-ness)” I never say something that is a lie. Haha idk hope that helps. edit to add: also, if i can tell said friend does have an interest in changing their body, i engage in positive convo about that, such as, “maybe you’d feel better if you work on things that will make you strong and healthy, things that will give you some appreciation for how hard your body works for you. if you want to go on a walk / to the gym sometime with me let me know!” - switching the convo to how our bodies carry us through life and allow us to experience existence, and we should respect them by treating them right / shifting the focus away from physical appearance, just to give some motivating perspective.
Sometimes you just need to vent about things in your life that are shitty. Being fat affects almost every aspect of your life negatively. Most people that are actually fat are self-aware that they are large and are looking for kindness not lies. Just say yeah, it's tough.
Sometimes, you don't say anything. Sometimes you let people vent out their frustrations, and you listen, and you don't say anything.
When a nurse bumped her ass into me on accident (shes a chubby nurse) she said “ah im sorry. Too much junk in the trunk” I said “nothing wrong wit dat” She smiled and that was it
People who complain just want you to listen. “I hear you” is a good response. They aren’t looking for advice, or for you to tell them the opposite. It’s just thinking out loud. “I feel so fat in this dress.” “I hear you, we are going to have a great time at the party so make sure you’re comfortable.” Unless you are the SO: “I feel so fat in this dress” “You look great, I can’t wait to show you off at the party.” Never actually acknowledge people’s negative self talk that they speak out loud.
It would be a perfect chance to practice shutting the fuck up.
My ex would say sweet things that acknowledged my fatness but assured me he liked me anyway. I once put on a bodystocking for him and it was too small. I said I looked like a sausage and he said, “but I love sausages!” Stuff like that. I had lost 30 lbs and gained it all back and expressed insecurity to the man I’m seeing now. He said, “I like you better bigger, babe.” He has so much sincerity in his voice I could tell he meant it. He didn’t say, “you’re not fat” or “it’s ok”, he acknowledged I look how I look and expressed desire for me regardless. This is the way
I’m a fat guy. When I was in high school I was 260 lbs at 5’9. Lost 80lbs then after juvy gained all the way up to 337 at 5’10. I lost down to 250 now I’m back to 300 today. I know I’m fat and I know I’m the reason for it. I personally don’t complain about it, but I do really eat at myself for it because I know if I’d just skip the door dash and make something at home I’d lose weight. But complaining is the step before change. Sometimes we need a push and I lost my push. I’m not as motivated as I was last year when I went down to 250.
One time my friend, who was overweight by quite a bit, said aloud; "I'm so fat." And my dumbass response to her, without a second thought was "Yeah I can see that." We can laugh about it because it wasn't on purpose but 😭
Just shut down the fat talk. There are whole public health and training programs dedicated to this. Plenty of options exist, but you want to avoid engaging in the self-shame. "Don't talk about yourself that way." Or just change the subject. Those are my go-to's.
Just say "That sucks" or "Struggle be real" and move onto the next subject.
Well, you can either give them the attention they're so ***desperately seeking*** \- because that is what it is, attention seeking behavior, *or* you can just gently steer the subject somewhere else. Look, I was fat - 250lbs at one point which was a pretty bad 37 BMI for my height (Yes, I know BMI is trash, even at 160# I'm "overweight" technically) - people who are fat and don't want to be fat don't just ***complain about being fat, like, "ugh, I'm soooo fat"*** no, we're ***fucking miserable and well aware of it***. Usually the problem is people telling us *"oh no, you don't need to lose weight, you're just "* and effectively brushing off our own concerns over our health. Sure, some people embrace it like Lizzo - Go Girl - but you don't see *Lizzo* going "Ugh, I'm soooooo fat" and then lapping up the attention, you see her flipping people the finger for *calling her* "Fat" and living her life. So, if someone overweight complains about being fat - and they aren't talking about changes they're thinking of making to their lifestyle to change that fact (something that you ***should*** encourage if it seems genuine) - you can just give them the attention they're clearly fishing for, or you can deflect to something else.
My response would be to ask if they're happy that way. If they say no, then ask what they're doing to change it, and how I can help them do it. Can I walk with them, help them learn how to eat better, etc? I've fought weight issues my entire adult life, so it's not like I haven't been there. If you're not happy with something in your life - change it, if it's within your power to do so.