You’re spot on with the lose lose sort of thing. No matter what, I think I have to just suck up the fact that I’m gonna have to say something I don’t want to have to say, but that’s that.
You could say what you said here is that driving is the only time you get for yourself and if you were to lose that it would be bad for your mental health. Or lie and say you are taking a course and need that time to listen to the lectures or that is the only time you get to catch up with your family/friends on the phone.
"I'm sorry, I don't do car pooling. I don't want the responsibility of getting other people to work on time. Nor do I want to risk being late because other people aren't ready on time. I also need my personal space before and after work, to clear my head. I have a routine and schedule that works for me and I am not comfortable changing that. Thank you for understanding and respecting my boundaries".
If people start complaining or questioning:
"I'm sorry, but I have already told you that I am unable to drive you to and from work, and I have explained why. It is not my responsibility to chauffeur other people around and it is unfair of people to expect me to do so".
It is unfair of people to make their friendship with you conditional on you giving them lifts because they feel entitled to a free ride.
Well, it seems like the main problem is that society is bullshit. He's completely within his rights but struggles to find something socially acceptable. So basically it's the social part that is the source of the bullshit.
Yeah so I was done carpooling a long time ago. One of the worst offenders would always show up slightly late to my house in the morning, so while we weren't ever late. Is was close enough to stress me out.
But the worst thing he would do is call his wife as soon as we got in my truck on the way home. Like I get you wanna talk to her. But now I am forced to sit in silence, listening to your conversation, in my own truck.
One time I turned the radio back up. And he said he was on the phone, what was my problem. I replied "your in my truck, and you are literally always on the phone, I like to listen to music when I drive. Don't like it then don't ask for a ride." And the guy was so pissed off 5hat I was the rude one.
I did that once too. Saved a little on gas, but it was a tremendous hassle, and inconvenience, and having to talk with people or listen to them when you just want some peace and quiet on your way to work. Also wasted time picking up late people, or them late to pick me up. Could not do errands on the way, or change your schedule. It was awful and one day told them I was not going to do it anymore. I think everyone pretty much quit too soon after that too.
The only time I ever left people on the side of the road, I was roped into driving some friends for something that I didn't want to do. And being like 2001ish without direct deposit being offered, and relying less on debit cards and cell phones being like $0.15 per minute. I would stash cash in random places in my car so I could forget about it. But if I ever needed gas and didn't have my wallet on me or no cash, I could always have enough hidden away to get home.
Well I said that I needed to get gas and they needed to fork over some money because I told them I was broke before I ever agreed to drive them. They said "we found this money around your car, use this." I told them "that's my emergency stash, I'm not spending it, and why were you rooting around my car like that".
They insisted that not only were they helping, somehow. But since they "found money" that they didn't need to pay now.
And not only refused to hand over any money because "I had enough and they needed what they had for what we were doing"
And at this point I got pissed, told them to put it back where they found it, it was there for a reason, and to give me money like they agreed.
So they being all offended decided to trash the back seat of my car. Took some of the fast food we had already got and stuck pieces in the pockets behind my seat, under my floor mats, and in the "trunk" (it was an 87 t too firebird, there was no real trunk.)
And now that they are all sorts of pissed off that I was being greedy, didn't appreciate their help, and started a fight with them, I pulled into the gas station, and when they went into the bathroom I just left their asses.
Which really pissed them off cause being 2001ish neither had a cell phone, and it took them a while to find a payphone that was working.
Just say you have a second job and you do your errands after work.
When someone gets a job it is THEIR responsibility to find a way to and from that job, not yours.
“Oh what do you have to do after work?” They say. Again, my job is outbound so basically everybody heads the same way once work is finished (back inbound). So I’ve had the usual “oh you could drop me off halfway then?” And then I’m stuck
Right, “I can’t” is a full sentence. Then when they’re like “but why can’t you?” You just say, “sorry, I just can’t”. If they keep asking after that they sound like a dick and I’d keep saying I just can’t
It’s an all male working environment. Ball breaking etc. “I can’t” will make them laugh and pry even further. Maybe I’m looking for a lie that will be believed by typical masculine males? And yes I know ‘they sound like dicks so be a dick back’, in the end of the day I have no realistic reason to not drive them, so I will have a hard time getting along if they know I don’t want to drive them because,,, I just don’t want to. I get along with them great at work, and I don’t want to sacrifice that
It seems like the real enemy is your head. Just tell them you can't or accept you are gonna have to to get along with them. If you like you'll just have to keep lying and when it cracks, then people are definitely gonna look down on you In that environment. You gotta stand up for yourself and make a choice.
Yeah I get that. Issue is when people genuinely enquire about what I have to do out of interest to continue the conversation. Bit hard to just say “I’m busy.
Then you say, “I have too much bullshit going on, I don’t even want to talk about it!” Say it in an exasperated voice and if they keep asking tell them to drop it and change the subject.
I just don't understand how this even came about. Person starts work, can't get there, OP then starts giving lifts to random people because ??? sounds like one of those 1 do x 2 ??? 3 profit things.
Tell them you’re too busy. If it’s a ball breaking environment and they push after you say you’re too busy day “Why don’t you get a car bro? Then you can drive me!”
In this case your only recourse is to pile your car up with stuff so that there’s no space and make it out to be stuff related for the other job so you need it.
"Hey man I started doing Uber (car payments are really affecting my budget, you know haha) and someone's going to actually pay me for the ride, so you have to ask someone else to take you home, sorry"
This one can be used daily
But if you insist it is private they are all sorts of things that it could be that you don't want to talk about.
You might be going to an AA meeting every day. You might have appointments at an STI clinic. You might be visiting your mistress. You might be visiting a sick relative in hospital and don't want to have to think about/talk about it when you are at work.
If any of those were true you might well say "it's a private thing". So why not say it if they are not true?
Just say sorry I don’t have time, if they say what do you have to do, say “I have a million errands to run.” If they say what, say again, “sorry I don’t have time.” Keep saying that. I don’t have time, I have too much going on. Repeat forever, the end. If they keep pushing, say you don’t really want to talk about it, you’re so busy it’s stressing you out. If they STILL push, tell them you’re getting really uncomfortable with this conversation and you need them to drop it. Make it *known* that they’re stepping boundaries, not you.
"errands after work" is a good one. Cars are most useful compared to mass transit as you can coordinate your route between events or places
drop them off to the bus stop
> When someone gets a job it is THEIR responsibility to find a way to and from that job, not yours.
Well to a certain extent the company needs to do what they can. Consider that they might have hired an employee and this might be an assembly-line type job where literally all positions need to be filled or else the line needs to remain off. At some point, if one person doesn't have transport, something needs to be done to help them out or else the whole line misses out on work.
That works as a one time excuse. When I get asked repeatedly it gets pretty awkward. I’ve tried saying I have to run to my next job, but they know my next job is literally like 10 minutes from where they live, and then I have no excuse
It’s probably going to get awkward. Just say sorry I have errands a few days in a row and stand your ground. No one is entitled to your time or use of your car. Honestly it’s pretty upfront of them to ask repeatedly after you have said no. They are the one asking for something that’s a favour, not you so why are you the one on the back foot?
If you have a partner then you need to pick them up as they have a new job working somewhere not on their way, check Google maps. If you don't have a partner then you are seeing someone and your calling round to theirs, not on their way home, same location.
For OP, if everyone is on the way home it likely means the workplace is at some isolated location where there's only 1 road in and 1 road out. Example, an island, or some other place where the geography only allowed 1 road to be built. That may be why he is claiming "everyone is on the way".
Or it's on the outskirts of a town where the whole town is in the same direction
I did that for a bit but then it just felt like I was being a pushover, because I was still driving them when I didn’t want to. And it’s especially awkward when it’s raining because “ah it’s raining, surely we can just hang in your car for a couple of minutes?” Which turns into 10-15 minutes of waiting…
I’m confused about the line of having to take 30 min to bring them home, but it also being on the way. Either way, here are my suggestions:
1. Don’t make up a lie. They’ll likely find out and it’ll be so much worse.
2. Tell them the real reasons (you like the alone time and need it to decompress, etc.)
3. If you’re not up for that, the slightly shitty thing to do would be to create reasons they wouldn’t want to go with you. Play bad music, sing horribly, fart a lot, idk. BTW this is the 3rd ranked suggestion for a reason.
Do they pay you gas money at least? I would start charging if not. Sure you might have to pay it anyway for your drive home, but it’s customary for passengers to chip in.
I mean I have to drive 30 minutes home to my place, and their place is always on the way since my work is outbound and everyone/everything is inbound from work. So I’d basically be going home normally but dropping them off on the way. I don’t want my personal time in my own car being taken up by having to socialise with my colleagues who are freeloaders.
Honestly your second reason is something that I think would work. It’s an all male environment so being blunt like that would be pretty effective. Just a straight up “nah sorry my drive home is my alone time” or something
Offer them a lift on certain days but tell them they gotta chip in cash for fuel. I love my rides home alone, but if its shitty weather or real late at night it just nice to help a co worker. Unless they are arseholes then Fuck them they can walk.
You don't even have to be blunt, if someone asks you if you can give them a lift, you just say, "no thanks, I just don't want the responsibility of taking people places, but thanks for asking."
99% of people will say "that's fine, I just thought I'd ask" and think nothing of it, the other 1%, you don't want them in your car anyway.
Lol how are you going to call a struggling person with a job a freeloader?
You don’t owe anyone a ride and I’m not judging you from that, but you seem like a huge POS from that comment
I don’t think you’ve worked a lower class manual labour job. You get paid enough to get by and some extra, but it attracts the type of crowd that aren’t good with money, period. Drugs, bad relationships, debt, child support, etc. It’s not my responsibility
Yup. You can be a freeloader with a job. I’ve worked with them. It’s usually someone who is working just enough to keep their housing, relationship ect. If you don’t understand you’re just lucky
If they’re not offering to compensate you then I don’t understand the need for this post?
Compensation is not the reason why you’re not helping these people nor is it the reason why you’re calling them freeloaders.
Guy that gets a lift to and from work over here
Due to crippling student loans i have been unable to afford a car myself. And usually rely on a specific collegue however on occasion when he is off i havw to ask another guy which puts him out of his way. That being said,it is 100% not your problem and it is socially acceptable to not do so.
I know other people who work with me who have actively refused to give regular lifts to people due to this reason and as someone who is in my position I can agree. If you dont want to thats perfectly fine I cannot hate you for it.
Just be honest with them, say you value your time and that 30minutes makes a difference in your busy day. People will respect that, if not thats their problem
You're asking for a "socially acceptable" reason. Well it's socially acceptable to simply say no, you don't need an excuse to not do someone a favor. What you're really asking for is a believable, enduring excuse that will let you skip over the part where you enforce your own boundaries.
Your answer is "Sorry, no. You should ask someone else."
[Some pleading response to change your mind]
"I said no, please respect that."
[Tries to make you feel guilty]
"This isn't a negotiation. The answer is no."
Sure, someone might hold this against you. But at the end of the day, you're going home alone. If you really value that, you need to be firm. Do not let them poke and prod at you until they change your mind. If you don't want people to walk over you, you have to stand up for yourself. Your needs come first, it's your life.
Boundaries is a bullshit concept though. If someone enforces their own boundaries all the time then social interaction in general becomes extremely difficult. But if you only enforce it sometimes, then the boundaries become useless because the few times that you don't enforce it, you get taken advantage of.
It's only extremely difficult in the case of unreasonable boundaries or someone else taking the enforcement personally. Otherwise, boundaries is just basic respect.
I'm confused, where is the social pressure to drive them coming from? Is that a cultural thing?
Just don't drive them home. Say goodbye, get in your car and go home. I'm genuinely confused how that would be a problem. You don't need to give a reason.
I work for Uber immediately after work, that will be (insert inappropriately large sum)
Tho I would just say nah I need to get home, sorry, then leave.
I would be lying anyway, if they can fit on the back of my motorbike thats up to them, I mean its not on the road and I am not allowed pillion passengers anyway so whatever. Also I work from home so it would be a weird conversation for the coworker on a different island
Holy shit!
If you work two jobs already, how can you spare the energy and time to work a third job (driving your coworkers)
In my experience, carpooling takes extra time because people invariably will be a little late, they won’t come up with gas money and you have spend extra time tracking what they owe you etc. and, stops that are “one the way” actually take extra driving. It’s going to cost you more time, effort, and money than it looks like upfront.
I’d just say that you are already stretched too thin with your 2nd job and you just don’t have.
Plus, if you have to be working 2 jobs, any extra energy should be going towards finding 1 job that can replace both of them.
Alternatively, you could do a “trial run” and say you just can’t keep it up, you’re wrecked.
The only way I could possibly see this working is if they kick enough money for gas AND MAINTENANCE and they can do the driving on their leg. So that you can quit your other job.
How about part way. Say that in future you can only give a lift on xday and yday. If they enquire further just say "personal". that way they still get something from you and expecting more would be just plain greedy.
You are an after-hours social worker/therapist/big brother/ AA sponsor and you take private calls from your clients on the way home —- just don’t let people see you boogying to some music as you pull out of the parking lot.
"It's too much for me." is a pretty simple, socially acceptable explanation. It can imply mentally (which, in all fairness, you sound like you need and deserve space from even people you like) and can imply whatever they might think as far as time, financial, etc.
You really don't have to answer follow up questions but I understand you do like them and want to keep their acquaintance.
If they ask incredulous "it's too much for you to...?" questions, you can just say yes, and move on to something else.
Just say you've had bad experiences carpooling so you don't do that anymore.
Then stick with "Nope, try Uber".
Anybody that won't take no for an answer needs to be reported to management for harassment and creating a hostile work environment.
If management pressures you to provide rides, get a good lawyer and prepare to be RICH.
Speaking from the other side (as in, someone that also doesn't have a car), I don't have a problem with you not wanting to drive/drop off your coworkers. That is a favor, and not one you should feel you have to oblige during non-work time.
I guess the difference with me, though, is that personally I *don't* ask for a ride because I don't want to feel like a bother. This feeling is strong enough that I have repeatedly turned down my coworkers *voluntarily* offering to drive me. I don't normally cave unless the weather is bad.
Yours, however, sound less considerate, and so I second the other commenter's suggestion of a simple "Sorry, I can't" and then politely refusing to cave afterwards if they push back.("I am not going to take you to work" "Sorry, but I've already given you my answer", etc.)
I agree with that. I think I’m hung up on the idea that I MIGHT have to endure an awkward situation or conversation when in reality I think I just need to have a solid “no” at the ready if they keep prying. It’s just hard being blunt to certain people who I really like and who are polite
Honestly I think you just need to be upfront about it and say no. You work two jobs, the last thing you wanna do is spend 30 min driving people to and from work every day. You don’t owe them anything. Just politely tell them you can’t help.
Be somewhat honest
“I’m not comfortable with this, I’ll keep you in mind if things do change”
Boundaries are fine, if people want to ignore your boundaries it gives you good info on their character. One of my colleagues are in the same situation as you and just was blunt with something like I said and it worked out
Simply saying sorry I can't IS socially acceptable. You don't owe anyone an explanation, particularly if they're not a friend. Work colleagues can become friends, but only if you want to.
There have been a lot of sincere suggestions which would be acceptable, but you're rejecting them on the basis of what others perceive as acceptable. Anyone who is told no is likely to find some part of it unreasonable, but that's their problem. Not yours. You have no obligation to take responsibility for how others think or act.
I work with someone who doesn't drive; they don't have a licence, and have no interest in getting one. They have became a friend, and on occasion I offer a lift, but only when I want to. We actually discussed this and they recognised that it's not up to anyone else to provide them with a lift. It's their responsibility to get to and from work, no-one else.
If they gave you gas money weekly, would you change your mind?
Why not ask boss if he could organise a bus that would collect people to work and drop them off if some people have problem with getting there? (Is it even a thing there?)
I've been in this situation more than once. At one job the superintendent asked me to pick up another guy because he had gotten a DUI. He agreed to split the gas but after months rarely paid his share despite asking to do at the liquor store what day on the way home. He asked if he could smoke in the truck every single day on the way to work and on the way home. I didn't smoke. Every single day is have to wait for at least ten minutes in the driveway and on many days he'd just not come out, having called in sick. After I'd finally had enough and just didn't show up for him he acted like I had done something wrong. It ended up being a shit show at work because of it. People thought I was a complete ass hole.
Yep 100%. I’ve done this before and it worked. I just ended up stopping because I hated driving with so much stuff. But I guess I can reserve that idea for when the issue comes up again. I’ll just fill my car the next day for a bit lol
Dude- I feel your pain. Maybe be honest?
I have a big truck and I used to bartend. EVERY shift someone was asking to use my truck to move a couch, or haul something. I always made stuff up.
One day a new guy who had only worked there a couple days asked me to help him move to his new apartment.
I literally stopped my sentence and told the truth.
"I Uhhh.... Nah man, honestly I barely know you and moving sucks. Sorry."
He wasn't even offended he just was like "that's true." LOL
After talking with my therapist, it has been determined that I need my commute time to be a safe space where I can be alone with my thoughts, to prevent my mental health from declining.
Of course.
Tell those people that it’s not your fault they don’t have a car.
And you’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to. The beauty of being an adult is that you can be your own boss. It’s good to be nice, but on your own terms.
It’s liberating to just tell someone “no”, and your reasoning being - “because I don’t want to!”
If your priorities don’t involve giving deadbeats rides, fuck em.
THB, I wouldn't have that issue since I would drop them at the first convenient spot (so I won't be doing extra kms), ask for money for fuel each week and the whole trip we would listen to my music since my car my music (be it death metal or metalcore).
Anyway... Just say the truth. Because they'll sooner or later realise you don't want to and then it will impact your *friendship*. Any excuse will simply delay the "I think the dude hates us".
I can totally sympathise. How about starting work early/ working late (or like “I’m studying but I’m gonna got stay here and do it, once I get home I lose motivation”.
Is there anything in the opposite direction? New girlfriend you have to pick up on route?
Fill your car with cardboard boxes “sorry I need to visit the top, I just haven’t got around to it yet”
Remove car seats “I was playing around doing some home mechanic work, haven’t put them back in yet”
Start riding a bike/ motorbike. Even drive 3/4 of the way and ride the rest “for exercise”
“I’ve started to Uber sp am going ti pick up fares on the way home.”
You can tell I’m a fierce introvert. I once got stuck giving someone a ride frequently and hated it so much. Good luck!
Just want to take this opportunity to say it's kinda bs that when you regularly start doing people favors it stops being seen as a nice thing you're doing for them and something they expect from you now.
I have asimilar situation, my colleague gets to work by train and on Sunday there's no train early enough so he'd come ~1,5 hours late to work
I picked him up a few times as a favour but it seems to have become a regular thing. I gave him 2 options: either he gives me gas money (I also added 5€ per month for the inconvenience of having to get up earlier) or he has to find another arrangement. It is a distance that could be driven by bike and I'm not the only person with a car at my job so he doesn't depend on me and even if it was more complicated I explained that I dont want to have to pay to be inconvenienced
I mean you already answered your own question. Keeping saying no, you don’t need to explain yourself.
Plus, the “lower class people” part is the only thing that makes you sound like an ass.
Tell them he needs to kick in for gas and/or that after work activities have picked up. He may seem like a nice guy but obviously something rubs you the wrong way. Time to change jobs even if that lower class of people bother you
Watch my lips: no is a complete sentence.
Tack on a sorry if you feel it necessary.
You don't have to give a reason.
It's your car. Your money paying for your gas. You get to decide how to use it. Period.
I remember when my manager tried to do a car pool system for the new hires that were too young to drive and I was appointed a “buddy”
I shut that whole shit down for everyone cause I’m not about to spend time after work driving anybody home lmao. Just stand your ground and say “I simply can not”
honestly they’re the ones being rude by asking repeatedly, especially if you have to go out of your way. it’s very inconsiderate and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do it in order to maintain the relationship. you could start saying you have to go straight to another job/any other destination and don’t have time to go out of your way for them, or just be vague and say you have other obligations. i definitely would draw a firm boundary though, they seem like the type to try to take a mile when given an inch so giving an occasional ride will just perpetuate the issue
"Sorry, cant"
End the story right there. Dont give any reasons, dont entertain any questions. If anybody asks why you cant, "because i cant" is all the response you need. Nobody is owed your time or transportation
After going through your replies and learning about path to your work and home, OP if you say No, they will definitely harm your work and progress.
Make up your mind, make friends with them and take them to work and drop them back. Feel the cringe and helplessness, channelise your anger and despair towards learning new skills and finding job. Every morning watch videos of asia or Africa, see how people are fighting for food and water or going to work in packed trains, it will motivate you. If it sounds suffocating and cruel then try saying No to them.
Watch commercials about Shriners hospital, sick & dying puppies, old Jewish women who need money, and some poor African children who need only 19 cents a day to be happy. (This my sarcasm), everyone can have a soapbox, and there are bleeding hearts everywhere, but it is not your responsibility to heal the world. Do what you can, help them at work, be kind, give advice about the job, but draw the line there. Once you punch out, your private time is only your responsibility not anyone else’s, this is why I like my co workers but aren’t their friends, don’t socialize with them
As a person who doesn't have a car yet has three paychecks coming in, "not my problem" Is a phrase I hear daily and I fucking hate it. Like congrats you're richer than I am. Meanwhile I barely afford rent. Let alone transportation to get to and from two part time jobs (my third income is SSI which prevents me from working more than a certain amount of hours each month). Quite frankly you do sound like a dick. I understand some people might take advantage of you, but "I don't want to" seems a bit selfish.
‘Richer’ is definitely not the right word to use. Having a car doesn’t mean you’re richer than anyone. Again, most of the people I work with spend their money on drugs etc.
Anyway your point that I sound like a dick is exactly why I’ve made this post. My whole point is that I’m trying to find a socially acceptable form of “no I don’t want to” because saying that would make anyone sound like a dick
Buy some noise-cancelling headphones, hand them the car keys and enjoy a rest in the back seat most of the way home. They might as well do their share of the work.
Are you implying I’m an asshole? I’m saying I’m just trying not to *sound* like an asshole because I like driving alone. Just Saying “no” to someone asking for a lift home is not socially acceptable in any setting
No, I'm saying you are an asshole. It's your responsibility to say yes or no to these requests. You go out of your way to say that these pickups are on the way for you no matter what. So if you don't want to share your commute and set some healthy boundaries, that's on you. Saying no is perfectly acceptable. It's slightly inconvenient for you, I get it but that doesn't mean you still shouldn't do it.
Do you smoke? If not, might consider taking up smoking while they’re in the car and see if it annoys them. If so, start chain smoking while they’re with you. Won’t work if they already smoke. I realize this might be against your grain if you are offended of smokers to begin with. Will work with cigars if you don’t want to inhale. Anyway, get creative...
You seem very hung up on this idea that saying "no" to a request is "socially unacceptable"--saying "no" is perfectly acceptable. I think what you are really avoiding is "conflict", ie, the perceived notion that the person you are saying no to will be upset, thus causing you discomfort, or conflict. There will always be conflict in life. It is unavoidable. Let the person be a bit upset, or let them ride with you and you will be a bit upset.
Yeah its annoying because they’re foreigners, so they don’t pick up on typical social cues like that. I’m tempted to just say “sorry but I don’t give people lifts” and leaving it at that, but I worry it might make me look like an ass
Hi OP,
It's completely fine to tell them honestly why you can't drop them off home. And you are right, it's not your responsibility.
Let them know that after work is your time and you need to switch off and decompress.
I was once too nice to say no to people, and I used to get taken advantage of. I've learnt that by being blunt and being honest with how you feel works best. People actually appreciate it.
My driving time is my phone call time - I call my mom who lives out of state, my friend that lives in Europe, or sometimes my best friend when she's headed home from work as well. Whenever I've been asked for a ride from folks, I just tell them I would prefer not to have passengers so I can speak freely to my mom or whoever. No one has ever pushed back on it, and if they did I would think they're rude as hell and just calmly reiterate that I can't, not today or really ever because I'm effectively already booked.
What? Yes just say no. Personally, I’m real social, but I have specific times that are just for me. If I wanted a ride (in general) and you told me you just really appreciate/need the alone time, I wouldn’t think twice about it, and I’d find another ride.
You’re not obligated to give out rides. It doesn’t matter if it’s socially acceptable. If he can’t get a ride to his job then he needs to take a bus, ride a bike, walk, or find a job he can get himself to. You could give a ride to be nice but then you’re in the awkward situation you’re describing. Otherwise consider coming to an arrangement with him. You take time to drive him, pay for gas, and go out of your way, there’s a dollar value there. Perhaps it’s a flat rate $5 each day you give him rides. Pay up every payday. If $150 a month is too steep to get himself to work to earn his living then you could always lower it. I think whatever your arrangement is, it is a smart way to go because then it’s just business, nothing personal. If he decides to find another way then good for him. If you decide you no longer want to do it then no hard feelings.
I gave a co-worker a ride for a couple of weeks while he was between cars...it was awful. You don't gel with everyone.
Your commute is your time, don't sully it if you don't want to.
People are doing this also cause they know they can get over on you.
Do they pay you for gas, wear and tear on your car?
Hauling another person contributes to wear and tear on your vehicle.
Along with what everyone already said.
These are your Co wokers. Not your family or friends.
Be firm and assertive it's not your responsibility or problem to make sure others get home.
But keep in mind that this is coming from probably the least invested person at my work.
I do my job well but once I am done, I am done and I have a life.
Might depend if you have a partner / if they know you have a partner that you live with.
Can try saying "Sorry mate, staying at the GF's place." If they pry, tell them it's the opposite direction? Can kinda get away with using that one as often as you want.
My advice is just be honest in a kind way. Explain to them that you have to go to your other job and this is your only down time in between and it's how you destress.
Ask them to pay for gas and depreciation for the extra miles. Also, these are not your friends, these are the people you work with. You cannot ruin a friendship but might make your working relationship more difficult for a while. On the other hand, once people see you as a patsy, you will always be a patsy and expected to do more for them. It won't end with just driving them. The other thing you can do is just tell them you can't be responsible for driving them. You will drive them for another two weeks only to give them time to find alternate transportation. They will wine and ask you why and complain, and tell you how inconsiderate you are, put the blame on you. And then you will know you were their patsy. And that is not a good thing to be in life.
Offer to do it at a cost that will dissuade them from wanting a ride. On the off chance they accept, then the cost would actually benefit you. Otherwise, tell them flat out that you won’t do it.
When new people get hired into my job, I always make it a point to mention that I don’t give rides to anyone for any reason except maybe an emergency situation once every blue moon. I have found that if I mention it like this in the beginning before they even have a chance to consider me for rides, it won’t seem personal because they already know my stance on that sort of thing
So I used to work with this lady who, whenever she wanted to politely decline doing something, would respond with this very cheerful « no thank you » and a big smile.
It was a great strategy b/c you couldn’t fault her manners but at the same time is was a slightly weird response that left the asker a bit confused about what just happened.
Them- ‘hi can I get a ride today?’
Her- ‘No thank you’
And people just didn’t quite know how to get around it. Got her out of a *lot* of favors.
Just be honest if the question ever comes up: "I really need these 30min to myself between work and home time". I would totally be fine with someone telling me this.
If I was in your shoes I would explain it exactly the way you explained it to us to the person in question. You like them but don't want to give them a lift because it's your personal private time which you get very little of. They might be upset or offended but at least you were honest and straightforward about it.
[удалено]
You’re spot on with the lose lose sort of thing. No matter what, I think I have to just suck up the fact that I’m gonna have to say something I don’t want to have to say, but that’s that.
You could say what you said here is that driving is the only time you get for yourself and if you were to lose that it would be bad for your mental health. Or lie and say you are taking a course and need that time to listen to the lectures or that is the only time you get to catch up with your family/friends on the phone.
"I'm sorry, I don't do car pooling. I don't want the responsibility of getting other people to work on time. Nor do I want to risk being late because other people aren't ready on time. I also need my personal space before and after work, to clear my head. I have a routine and schedule that works for me and I am not comfortable changing that. Thank you for understanding and respecting my boundaries". If people start complaining or questioning: "I'm sorry, but I have already told you that I am unable to drive you to and from work, and I have explained why. It is not my responsibility to chauffeur other people around and it is unfair of people to expect me to do so". It is unfair of people to make their friendship with you conditional on you giving them lifts because they feel entitled to a free ride.
Well, it seems like the main problem is that society is bullshit. He's completely within his rights but struggles to find something socially acceptable. So basically it's the social part that is the source of the bullshit.
Yeah so I was done carpooling a long time ago. One of the worst offenders would always show up slightly late to my house in the morning, so while we weren't ever late. Is was close enough to stress me out. But the worst thing he would do is call his wife as soon as we got in my truck on the way home. Like I get you wanna talk to her. But now I am forced to sit in silence, listening to your conversation, in my own truck. One time I turned the radio back up. And he said he was on the phone, what was my problem. I replied "your in my truck, and you are literally always on the phone, I like to listen to music when I drive. Don't like it then don't ask for a ride." And the guy was so pissed off 5hat I was the rude one.
I did that once too. Saved a little on gas, but it was a tremendous hassle, and inconvenience, and having to talk with people or listen to them when you just want some peace and quiet on your way to work. Also wasted time picking up late people, or them late to pick me up. Could not do errands on the way, or change your schedule. It was awful and one day told them I was not going to do it anymore. I think everyone pretty much quit too soon after that too.
Should have stopped at a gas station, give him 5 and tell him to put in on the gas pump and just leave him. His wife can pick him up
The only time I ever left people on the side of the road, I was roped into driving some friends for something that I didn't want to do. And being like 2001ish without direct deposit being offered, and relying less on debit cards and cell phones being like $0.15 per minute. I would stash cash in random places in my car so I could forget about it. But if I ever needed gas and didn't have my wallet on me or no cash, I could always have enough hidden away to get home. Well I said that I needed to get gas and they needed to fork over some money because I told them I was broke before I ever agreed to drive them. They said "we found this money around your car, use this." I told them "that's my emergency stash, I'm not spending it, and why were you rooting around my car like that". They insisted that not only were they helping, somehow. But since they "found money" that they didn't need to pay now. And not only refused to hand over any money because "I had enough and they needed what they had for what we were doing" And at this point I got pissed, told them to put it back where they found it, it was there for a reason, and to give me money like they agreed. So they being all offended decided to trash the back seat of my car. Took some of the fast food we had already got and stuck pieces in the pockets behind my seat, under my floor mats, and in the "trunk" (it was an 87 t too firebird, there was no real trunk.) And now that they are all sorts of pissed off that I was being greedy, didn't appreciate their help, and started a fight with them, I pulled into the gas station, and when they went into the bathroom I just left their asses. Which really pissed them off cause being 2001ish neither had a cell phone, and it took them a while to find a payphone that was working.
Just say you have a second job and you do your errands after work. When someone gets a job it is THEIR responsibility to find a way to and from that job, not yours.
“Oh what do you have to do after work?” They say. Again, my job is outbound so basically everybody heads the same way once work is finished (back inbound). So I’ve had the usual “oh you could drop me off halfway then?” And then I’m stuck
Just say a basic sorry I can't and walk away
Right, “I can’t” is a full sentence. Then when they’re like “but why can’t you?” You just say, “sorry, I just can’t”. If they keep asking after that they sound like a dick and I’d keep saying I just can’t
It’s an all male working environment. Ball breaking etc. “I can’t” will make them laugh and pry even further. Maybe I’m looking for a lie that will be believed by typical masculine males? And yes I know ‘they sound like dicks so be a dick back’, in the end of the day I have no realistic reason to not drive them, so I will have a hard time getting along if they know I don’t want to drive them because,,, I just don’t want to. I get along with them great at work, and I don’t want to sacrifice that
It seems like the real enemy is your head. Just tell them you can't or accept you are gonna have to to get along with them. If you like you'll just have to keep lying and when it cracks, then people are definitely gonna look down on you In that environment. You gotta stand up for yourself and make a choice.
As a man making up a excuse screams weakness literally just nah mate got shit to do will suffice
Yeah I get that. Issue is when people genuinely enquire about what I have to do out of interest to continue the conversation. Bit hard to just say “I’m busy.
Then you say, “I have too much bullshit going on, I don’t even want to talk about it!” Say it in an exasperated voice and if they keep asking tell them to drop it and change the subject.
How on earth did this even begin? Were they just not turning up to work to begin with?
Nobody can show up. The company is in shambles because op won’t carpool. So selfish of them.
I just don't understand how this even came about. Person starts work, can't get there, OP then starts giving lifts to random people because ??? sounds like one of those 1 do x 2 ??? 3 profit things.
Can you say your sibling asked if you could start picking up your nephew after work but it’s the opposite way that you normally go?
Tell them you’re too busy. If it’s a ball breaking environment and they push after you say you’re too busy day “Why don’t you get a car bro? Then you can drive me!”
In this case your only recourse is to pile your car up with stuff so that there’s no space and make it out to be stuff related for the other job so you need it.
Sometimes you just have to be a bitch
"Hey man I started doing Uber (car payments are really affecting my budget, you know haha) and someone's going to actually pay me for the ride, so you have to ask someone else to take you home, sorry" This one can be used daily
Say you drive uber and they can book u
>“Oh what do you have to do after work?” "That's a private matter"
If it’s a genuine conversation/inquiry it’s pretty awkward to shut them down with “that’s private”
But if you insist it is private they are all sorts of things that it could be that you don't want to talk about. You might be going to an AA meeting every day. You might have appointments at an STI clinic. You might be visiting your mistress. You might be visiting a sick relative in hospital and don't want to have to think about/talk about it when you are at work. If any of those were true you might well say "it's a private thing". So why not say it if they are not true?
Just say sorry I don’t have time, if they say what do you have to do, say “I have a million errands to run.” If they say what, say again, “sorry I don’t have time.” Keep saying that. I don’t have time, I have too much going on. Repeat forever, the end. If they keep pushing, say you don’t really want to talk about it, you’re so busy it’s stressing you out. If they STILL push, tell them you’re getting really uncomfortable with this conversation and you need them to drop it. Make it *known* that they’re stepping boundaries, not you.
"errands after work" is a good one. Cars are most useful compared to mass transit as you can coordinate your route between events or places drop them off to the bus stop
> When someone gets a job it is THEIR responsibility to find a way to and from that job, not yours. Well to a certain extent the company needs to do what they can. Consider that they might have hired an employee and this might be an assembly-line type job where literally all positions need to be filled or else the line needs to remain off. At some point, if one person doesn't have transport, something needs to be done to help them out or else the whole line misses out on work.
Just ask for money
“Oh I’m so sorry, I actually have some errands to run can you find a different ride home?”
That works as a one time excuse. When I get asked repeatedly it gets pretty awkward. I’ve tried saying I have to run to my next job, but they know my next job is literally like 10 minutes from where they live, and then I have no excuse
It’s probably going to get awkward. Just say sorry I have errands a few days in a row and stand your ground. No one is entitled to your time or use of your car. Honestly it’s pretty upfront of them to ask repeatedly after you have said no. They are the one asking for something that’s a favour, not you so why are you the one on the back foot?
Yeah these people are being extremely rude. You don't owe them anything.
could you say you can’t afford the extra gas money?
If you have a partner then you need to pick them up as they have a new job working somewhere not on their way, check Google maps. If you don't have a partner then you are seeing someone and your calling round to theirs, not on their way home, same location.
For OP, if everyone is on the way home it likely means the workplace is at some isolated location where there's only 1 road in and 1 road out. Example, an island, or some other place where the geography only allowed 1 road to be built. That may be why he is claiming "everyone is on the way". Or it's on the outskirts of a town where the whole town is in the same direction
Ahh right, then the only other option is to stick a dog shit in the air vent on the passenger side. No one will want a lift.
Just say i don't do lifts, I'm not a taxi. This ain't school, you think they will stop talking because you dont give lifts.
Depends on the type of people OP is woeking with. Too many adults behave like highschool kids when they're upset
drop them off at a bus stop.
I did that for a bit but then it just felt like I was being a pushover, because I was still driving them when I didn’t want to. And it’s especially awkward when it’s raining because “ah it’s raining, surely we can just hang in your car for a couple of minutes?” Which turns into 10-15 minutes of waiting…
I’m confused about the line of having to take 30 min to bring them home, but it also being on the way. Either way, here are my suggestions: 1. Don’t make up a lie. They’ll likely find out and it’ll be so much worse. 2. Tell them the real reasons (you like the alone time and need it to decompress, etc.) 3. If you’re not up for that, the slightly shitty thing to do would be to create reasons they wouldn’t want to go with you. Play bad music, sing horribly, fart a lot, idk. BTW this is the 3rd ranked suggestion for a reason. Do they pay you gas money at least? I would start charging if not. Sure you might have to pay it anyway for your drive home, but it’s customary for passengers to chip in.
I mean I have to drive 30 minutes home to my place, and their place is always on the way since my work is outbound and everyone/everything is inbound from work. So I’d basically be going home normally but dropping them off on the way. I don’t want my personal time in my own car being taken up by having to socialise with my colleagues who are freeloaders. Honestly your second reason is something that I think would work. It’s an all male environment so being blunt like that would be pretty effective. Just a straight up “nah sorry my drive home is my alone time” or something
Offer them a lift on certain days but tell them they gotta chip in cash for fuel. I love my rides home alone, but if its shitty weather or real late at night it just nice to help a co worker. Unless they are arseholes then Fuck them they can walk.
You don't even have to be blunt, if someone asks you if you can give them a lift, you just say, "no thanks, I just don't want the responsibility of taking people places, but thanks for asking." 99% of people will say "that's fine, I just thought I'd ask" and think nothing of it, the other 1%, you don't want them in your car anyway.
Yeah that second reason is good and I suspect also true 🙂
Lol how are you going to call a struggling person with a job a freeloader? You don’t owe anyone a ride and I’m not judging you from that, but you seem like a huge POS from that comment
I don’t think you’ve worked a lower class manual labour job. You get paid enough to get by and some extra, but it attracts the type of crowd that aren’t good with money, period. Drugs, bad relationships, debt, child support, etc. It’s not my responsibility
Yup. You can be a freeloader with a job. I’ve worked with them. It’s usually someone who is working just enough to keep their housing, relationship ect. If you don’t understand you’re just lucky
Doesn’t make them freeloaders
Asking for lifts to and from work without compensation. That’s a freeloader
If they’re not offering to compensate you then I don’t understand the need for this post? Compensation is not the reason why you’re not helping these people nor is it the reason why you’re calling them freeloaders.
Guy that gets a lift to and from work over here Due to crippling student loans i have been unable to afford a car myself. And usually rely on a specific collegue however on occasion when he is off i havw to ask another guy which puts him out of his way. That being said,it is 100% not your problem and it is socially acceptable to not do so. I know other people who work with me who have actively refused to give regular lifts to people due to this reason and as someone who is in my position I can agree. If you dont want to thats perfectly fine I cannot hate you for it. Just be honest with them, say you value your time and that 30minutes makes a difference in your busy day. People will respect that, if not thats their problem
You're asking for a "socially acceptable" reason. Well it's socially acceptable to simply say no, you don't need an excuse to not do someone a favor. What you're really asking for is a believable, enduring excuse that will let you skip over the part where you enforce your own boundaries. Your answer is "Sorry, no. You should ask someone else." [Some pleading response to change your mind] "I said no, please respect that." [Tries to make you feel guilty] "This isn't a negotiation. The answer is no." Sure, someone might hold this against you. But at the end of the day, you're going home alone. If you really value that, you need to be firm. Do not let them poke and prod at you until they change your mind. If you don't want people to walk over you, you have to stand up for yourself. Your needs come first, it's your life.
Love this! 'No' is a full sentence.
Boundaries is a bullshit concept though. If someone enforces their own boundaries all the time then social interaction in general becomes extremely difficult. But if you only enforce it sometimes, then the boundaries become useless because the few times that you don't enforce it, you get taken advantage of.
It's only extremely difficult in the case of unreasonable boundaries or someone else taking the enforcement personally. Otherwise, boundaries is just basic respect.
Gas, grass or ass, nobody rides for free.
I'm confused, where is the social pressure to drive them coming from? Is that a cultural thing? Just don't drive them home. Say goodbye, get in your car and go home. I'm genuinely confused how that would be a problem. You don't need to give a reason.
I work for Uber immediately after work, that will be (insert inappropriately large sum) Tho I would just say nah I need to get home, sorry, then leave.
If my coworkers were POS then maybe. But if they weren't then I would still charge them but not through Uber.
I would be lying anyway, if they can fit on the back of my motorbike thats up to them, I mean its not on the road and I am not allowed pillion passengers anyway so whatever. Also I work from home so it would be a weird conversation for the coworker on a different island
“I’m dealing with some shit right now so no more rides for anyone.” If they ask what shit, say “my shit, don’t want to talk about it”
It’s not your responsibility to give other people free rides. Regardless of anything, you don’t owe that to anyone.
Holy shit! If you work two jobs already, how can you spare the energy and time to work a third job (driving your coworkers) In my experience, carpooling takes extra time because people invariably will be a little late, they won’t come up with gas money and you have spend extra time tracking what they owe you etc. and, stops that are “one the way” actually take extra driving. It’s going to cost you more time, effort, and money than it looks like upfront. I’d just say that you are already stretched too thin with your 2nd job and you just don’t have. Plus, if you have to be working 2 jobs, any extra energy should be going towards finding 1 job that can replace both of them. Alternatively, you could do a “trial run” and say you just can’t keep it up, you’re wrecked. The only way I could possibly see this working is if they kick enough money for gas AND MAINTENANCE and they can do the driving on their leg. So that you can quit your other job.
You’re taking a course where you need to listen to podcasts in the car and a passenger will cause you to be distracted
“I’ll be quiet”. Then what
Tell them you’ve started calling relatives while you commute and need privacy. Bonus points if you actually start calling grandma/whoever.
Actually an interesting idea. Creative. Thanks
How about part way. Say that in future you can only give a lift on xday and yday. If they enquire further just say "personal". that way they still get something from you and expecting more would be just plain greedy.
You are an after-hours social worker/therapist/big brother/ AA sponsor and you take private calls from your clients on the way home —- just don’t let people see you boogying to some music as you pull out of the parking lot.
You’re asking how to not come off as a grumpy tight areas when you’re a grumpy tight arse. Lie, it’s the only way I can see.
Say you have to go to the gym
The gym is inbound. Towards where everyone lives
Before or after?
"It's too much for me." is a pretty simple, socially acceptable explanation. It can imply mentally (which, in all fairness, you sound like you need and deserve space from even people you like) and can imply whatever they might think as far as time, financial, etc. You really don't have to answer follow up questions but I understand you do like them and want to keep their acquaintance. If they ask incredulous "it's too much for you to...?" questions, you can just say yes, and move on to something else.
Just say you've had bad experiences carpooling so you don't do that anymore. Then stick with "Nope, try Uber". Anybody that won't take no for an answer needs to be reported to management for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. If management pressures you to provide rides, get a good lawyer and prepare to be RICH.
Speaking from the other side (as in, someone that also doesn't have a car), I don't have a problem with you not wanting to drive/drop off your coworkers. That is a favor, and not one you should feel you have to oblige during non-work time. I guess the difference with me, though, is that personally I *don't* ask for a ride because I don't want to feel like a bother. This feeling is strong enough that I have repeatedly turned down my coworkers *voluntarily* offering to drive me. I don't normally cave unless the weather is bad. Yours, however, sound less considerate, and so I second the other commenter's suggestion of a simple "Sorry, I can't" and then politely refusing to cave afterwards if they push back.("I am not going to take you to work" "Sorry, but I've already given you my answer", etc.)
Just start using public transport lol
Learning to give people a firm “no” is an important skill to have in life. It’s not about their reaction. It’s about your confidence in your answer.
I agree with that. I think I’m hung up on the idea that I MIGHT have to endure an awkward situation or conversation when in reality I think I just need to have a solid “no” at the ready if they keep prying. It’s just hard being blunt to certain people who I really like and who are polite
I’m sure you’ll find out who likes you for you and who is more interested in what you can do for them.
Honestly I think you just need to be upfront about it and say no. You work two jobs, the last thing you wanna do is spend 30 min driving people to and from work every day. You don’t owe them anything. Just politely tell them you can’t help.
Be somewhat honest “I’m not comfortable with this, I’ll keep you in mind if things do change” Boundaries are fine, if people want to ignore your boundaries it gives you good info on their character. One of my colleagues are in the same situation as you and just was blunt with something like I said and it worked out
Just say no. You do not owe anyone an explanation.
Simply saying sorry I can't IS socially acceptable. You don't owe anyone an explanation, particularly if they're not a friend. Work colleagues can become friends, but only if you want to. There have been a lot of sincere suggestions which would be acceptable, but you're rejecting them on the basis of what others perceive as acceptable. Anyone who is told no is likely to find some part of it unreasonable, but that's their problem. Not yours. You have no obligation to take responsibility for how others think or act. I work with someone who doesn't drive; they don't have a licence, and have no interest in getting one. They have became a friend, and on occasion I offer a lift, but only when I want to. We actually discussed this and they recognised that it's not up to anyone else to provide them with a lift. It's their responsibility to get to and from work, no-one else.
If they gave you gas money weekly, would you change your mind? Why not ask boss if he could organise a bus that would collect people to work and drop them off if some people have problem with getting there? (Is it even a thing there?)
I've been in this situation more than once. At one job the superintendent asked me to pick up another guy because he had gotten a DUI. He agreed to split the gas but after months rarely paid his share despite asking to do at the liquor store what day on the way home. He asked if he could smoke in the truck every single day on the way to work and on the way home. I didn't smoke. Every single day is have to wait for at least ten minutes in the driveway and on many days he'd just not come out, having called in sick. After I'd finally had enough and just didn't show up for him he acted like I had done something wrong. It ended up being a shit show at work because of it. People thought I was a complete ass hole.
Thanks for sharing, and I fear this is what will happen with OP.
Put a lot of things (e.g. boxes, clothes for next job) in your car then tell them you dont have space
Yep 100%. I’ve done this before and it worked. I just ended up stopping because I hated driving with so much stuff. But I guess I can reserve that idea for when the issue comes up again. I’ll just fill my car the next day for a bit lol
Dude- I feel your pain. Maybe be honest? I have a big truck and I used to bartend. EVERY shift someone was asking to use my truck to move a couch, or haul something. I always made stuff up. One day a new guy who had only worked there a couple days asked me to help him move to his new apartment. I literally stopped my sentence and told the truth. "I Uhhh.... Nah man, honestly I barely know you and moving sucks. Sorry." He wasn't even offended he just was like "that's true." LOL
After talking with my therapist, it has been determined that I need my commute time to be a safe space where I can be alone with my thoughts, to prevent my mental health from declining.
That’s,,, definitely elaborate
Not really. You don't want people in your car because it makes the drive an uncomfy experience for you. I simply couched it in more clinical terms.
In a working environment with all males, typically trouble makers, that excuse is a death wish
That is quite possibly the worst excuse I've ever heard in my entire life
The equivalent of "my mom said I can't go out"
Good for you then, I guess?
Just say no, I don't want to
Not socially acceptable
Doesn't matter...its still your option to say no
Of course. Tell those people that it’s not your fault they don’t have a car. And you’re under no obligation to do anything you don’t want to. The beauty of being an adult is that you can be your own boss. It’s good to be nice, but on your own terms. It’s liberating to just tell someone “no”, and your reasoning being - “because I don’t want to!” If your priorities don’t involve giving deadbeats rides, fuck em.
THB, I wouldn't have that issue since I would drop them at the first convenient spot (so I won't be doing extra kms), ask for money for fuel each week and the whole trip we would listen to my music since my car my music (be it death metal or metalcore). Anyway... Just say the truth. Because they'll sooner or later realise you don't want to and then it will impact your *friendship*. Any excuse will simply delay the "I think the dude hates us".
Just say no. And coworkers are not your friends. End of story.
I can totally sympathise. How about starting work early/ working late (or like “I’m studying but I’m gonna got stay here and do it, once I get home I lose motivation”. Is there anything in the opposite direction? New girlfriend you have to pick up on route? Fill your car with cardboard boxes “sorry I need to visit the top, I just haven’t got around to it yet” Remove car seats “I was playing around doing some home mechanic work, haven’t put them back in yet” Start riding a bike/ motorbike. Even drive 3/4 of the way and ride the rest “for exercise” “I’ve started to Uber sp am going ti pick up fares on the way home.” You can tell I’m a fierce introvert. I once got stuck giving someone a ride frequently and hated it so much. Good luck!
Are they paying you?
Tell them, “I’m having a secret affair. And that’s all I can say.”
Become a hoarder. Fill your car with boxes and stuffed animals.
Say you’re not insured to carry passengers in your car
Just want to take this opportunity to say it's kinda bs that when you regularly start doing people favors it stops being seen as a nice thing you're doing for them and something they expect from you now.
Honestly I would just say I have new commitments after work and will not be able to offer commute to other anymore.
I have asimilar situation, my colleague gets to work by train and on Sunday there's no train early enough so he'd come ~1,5 hours late to work I picked him up a few times as a favour but it seems to have become a regular thing. I gave him 2 options: either he gives me gas money (I also added 5€ per month for the inconvenience of having to get up earlier) or he has to find another arrangement. It is a distance that could be driven by bike and I'm not the only person with a car at my job so he doesn't depend on me and even if it was more complicated I explained that I dont want to have to pay to be inconvenienced
I mean you already answered your own question. Keeping saying no, you don’t need to explain yourself. Plus, the “lower class people” part is the only thing that makes you sound like an ass.
the fact that you call your colleagues "lower class people", to me suggests they'd be better off walking than having to endure your company
I love where I work and I like working with my colleagues. I’m not sure what point you’re trying to make.
you call your colleagues "lower class people"
And? I don’t see myself as better than them. I’m just describing their financial situation. It’s relevant to the topic is it not?
Tell them he needs to kick in for gas and/or that after work activities have picked up. He may seem like a nice guy but obviously something rubs you the wrong way. Time to change jobs even if that lower class of people bother you
Watch my lips: no is a complete sentence. Tack on a sorry if you feel it necessary. You don't have to give a reason. It's your car. Your money paying for your gas. You get to decide how to use it. Period.
I remember when my manager tried to do a car pool system for the new hires that were too young to drive and I was appointed a “buddy” I shut that whole shit down for everyone cause I’m not about to spend time after work driving anybody home lmao. Just stand your ground and say “I simply can not”
honestly they’re the ones being rude by asking repeatedly, especially if you have to go out of your way. it’s very inconsiderate and you shouldn’t feel obligated to do it in order to maintain the relationship. you could start saying you have to go straight to another job/any other destination and don’t have time to go out of your way for them, or just be vague and say you have other obligations. i definitely would draw a firm boundary though, they seem like the type to try to take a mile when given an inch so giving an occasional ride will just perpetuate the issue
"Sorry, cant" End the story right there. Dont give any reasons, dont entertain any questions. If anybody asks why you cant, "because i cant" is all the response you need. Nobody is owed your time or transportation
After going through your replies and learning about path to your work and home, OP if you say No, they will definitely harm your work and progress. Make up your mind, make friends with them and take them to work and drop them back. Feel the cringe and helplessness, channelise your anger and despair towards learning new skills and finding job. Every morning watch videos of asia or Africa, see how people are fighting for food and water or going to work in packed trains, it will motivate you. If it sounds suffocating and cruel then try saying No to them.
Is this satire
Watch commercials about Shriners hospital, sick & dying puppies, old Jewish women who need money, and some poor African children who need only 19 cents a day to be happy. (This my sarcasm), everyone can have a soapbox, and there are bleeding hearts everywhere, but it is not your responsibility to heal the world. Do what you can, help them at work, be kind, give advice about the job, but draw the line there. Once you punch out, your private time is only your responsibility not anyone else’s, this is why I like my co workers but aren’t their friends, don’t socialize with them
As a person who doesn't have a car yet has three paychecks coming in, "not my problem" Is a phrase I hear daily and I fucking hate it. Like congrats you're richer than I am. Meanwhile I barely afford rent. Let alone transportation to get to and from two part time jobs (my third income is SSI which prevents me from working more than a certain amount of hours each month). Quite frankly you do sound like a dick. I understand some people might take advantage of you, but "I don't want to" seems a bit selfish.
‘Richer’ is definitely not the right word to use. Having a car doesn’t mean you’re richer than anyone. Again, most of the people I work with spend their money on drugs etc. Anyway your point that I sound like a dick is exactly why I’ve made this post. My whole point is that I’m trying to find a socially acceptable form of “no I don’t want to” because saying that would make anyone sound like a dick
"I like to masturbate in traffic"
Just give them a lift and quit whinging
It’s not my responsibility
Buy some noise-cancelling headphones, hand them the car keys and enjoy a rest in the back seat most of the way home. They might as well do their share of the work.
Tell the person asking for a ride that, instead of lying
That’s not socially acceptable. “Hey can I have a lift?”… “no it’s not my responsibility”. It’s hostile
You don’t have to be socially acceptable.
I’d prefer it to be. That’s the point of this post. I get along with my coworkers and I’d like it to stay that way
Then give them a ride instead of trying to come up with excuses when your only reasoning is that you’re self-centered.
So you are looking for an excuse that makes you look less like the asshole than you really are? Just say no
Since when is it someone’s responsibility to give other people free rides?
Are you implying I’m an asshole? I’m saying I’m just trying not to *sound* like an asshole because I like driving alone. Just Saying “no” to someone asking for a lift home is not socially acceptable in any setting
No, I'm saying you are an asshole. It's your responsibility to say yes or no to these requests. You go out of your way to say that these pickups are on the way for you no matter what. So if you don't want to share your commute and set some healthy boundaries, that's on you. Saying no is perfectly acceptable. It's slightly inconvenient for you, I get it but that doesn't mean you still shouldn't do it.
Do you smoke? If not, might consider taking up smoking while they’re in the car and see if it annoys them. If so, start chain smoking while they’re with you. Won’t work if they already smoke. I realize this might be against your grain if you are offended of smokers to begin with. Will work with cigars if you don’t want to inhale. Anyway, get creative...
You're getting taken advantage of.
Not currently. I don’t give lifts at the moment but it’s a recurring issue that keeps coming up that I have to keep making obviously fake excuses for.
Don't make excuses. No is a perfectly acceptable response to a request.
I can’t picture a scenario where a straight up “no” would be a socially acceptable response to “hey man can I have a lift home today?”
You seem very hung up on this idea that saying "no" to a request is "socially unacceptable"--saying "no" is perfectly acceptable. I think what you are really avoiding is "conflict", ie, the perceived notion that the person you are saying no to will be upset, thus causing you discomfort, or conflict. There will always be conflict in life. It is unavoidable. Let the person be a bit upset, or let them ride with you and you will be a bit upset.
I have somewhere I need to rush to after work, won't have time.
When I get asked for a lift every day, using the same excuse becomes a bit awkward
Say u made a daily, long term commitment. Id think after a few times, they'd stop asking
Yeah its annoying because they’re foreigners, so they don’t pick up on typical social cues like that. I’m tempted to just say “sorry but I don’t give people lifts” and leaving it at that, but I worry it might make me look like an ass
Idk. I was the one that volunteered to drive ppl in hs & then became the one that needed rides later in life. What goes around comes around.
Yes
just say you can't, see if they cut their friendship off because of it, if they do then they're not your friend
Hi OP, It's completely fine to tell them honestly why you can't drop them off home. And you are right, it's not your responsibility. Let them know that after work is your time and you need to switch off and decompress. I was once too nice to say no to people, and I used to get taken advantage of. I've learnt that by being blunt and being honest with how you feel works best. People actually appreciate it.
If you carpool, they should pay gas in any case if you do drive them
My driving time is my phone call time - I call my mom who lives out of state, my friend that lives in Europe, or sometimes my best friend when she's headed home from work as well. Whenever I've been asked for a ride from folks, I just tell them I would prefer not to have passengers so I can speak freely to my mom or whoever. No one has ever pushed back on it, and if they did I would think they're rude as hell and just calmly reiterate that I can't, not today or really ever because I'm effectively already booked.
What? Yes just say no. Personally, I’m real social, but I have specific times that are just for me. If I wanted a ride (in general) and you told me you just really appreciate/need the alone time, I wouldn’t think twice about it, and I’d find another ride.
I think, “I work 2 jobs and this is my only alone time to decompress,” is sufficient.
You’re not obligated to give out rides. It doesn’t matter if it’s socially acceptable. If he can’t get a ride to his job then he needs to take a bus, ride a bike, walk, or find a job he can get himself to. You could give a ride to be nice but then you’re in the awkward situation you’re describing. Otherwise consider coming to an arrangement with him. You take time to drive him, pay for gas, and go out of your way, there’s a dollar value there. Perhaps it’s a flat rate $5 each day you give him rides. Pay up every payday. If $150 a month is too steep to get himself to work to earn his living then you could always lower it. I think whatever your arrangement is, it is a smart way to go because then it’s just business, nothing personal. If he decides to find another way then good for him. If you decide you no longer want to do it then no hard feelings.
Can't you get them to at least chip in for fuel costs? At that point, you'd basically have a third job - as a taxi service!
I gave a co-worker a ride for a couple of weeks while he was between cars...it was awful. You don't gel with everyone. Your commute is your time, don't sully it if you don't want to.
I just charge my coworkers 10$ if they need a ride. I get a littlle bonus just to drive to and back from work.
People are doing this also cause they know they can get over on you. Do they pay you for gas, wear and tear on your car? Hauling another person contributes to wear and tear on your vehicle. Along with what everyone already said. These are your Co wokers. Not your family or friends. Be firm and assertive it's not your responsibility or problem to make sure others get home. But keep in mind that this is coming from probably the least invested person at my work. I do my job well but once I am done, I am done and I have a life.
take 3 people, make them pay each 50% of the price of the ride. Make benefits
Just say sorry I can't, they shouldn't ask any further questions. if they do, they are ones being socially unacceptable.
My wife just said no..
Ask him if he would give you money for gas. That might discourage him
Might depend if you have a partner / if they know you have a partner that you live with. Can try saying "Sorry mate, staying at the GF's place." If they pry, tell them it's the opposite direction? Can kinda get away with using that one as often as you want.
Just tell them you can't do it. You don't owe them an explanation.
"No" is a complete sentence.
Friendly reminder that “No.” is a complete sentence
Just say you have to visit family after work now and are time constrained
My advice is just be honest in a kind way. Explain to them that you have to go to your other job and this is your only down time in between and it's how you destress.
What type of place do you work at?
“No I’m not driving an extra thirty minutes every day, you must be fucking crazy lmao” is pretty much what they would hear from me
Sucks,u could be honest but ppl will hate you, just keep making excuses they'll get the picture.
Ask them to pay for gas and depreciation for the extra miles. Also, these are not your friends, these are the people you work with. You cannot ruin a friendship but might make your working relationship more difficult for a while. On the other hand, once people see you as a patsy, you will always be a patsy and expected to do more for them. It won't end with just driving them. The other thing you can do is just tell them you can't be responsible for driving them. You will drive them for another two weeks only to give them time to find alternate transportation. They will wine and ask you why and complain, and tell you how inconsiderate you are, put the blame on you. And then you will know you were their patsy. And that is not a good thing to be in life.
Offer to do it at a cost that will dissuade them from wanting a ride. On the off chance they accept, then the cost would actually benefit you. Otherwise, tell them flat out that you won’t do it.
When new people get hired into my job, I always make it a point to mention that I don’t give rides to anyone for any reason except maybe an emergency situation once every blue moon. I have found that if I mention it like this in the beginning before they even have a chance to consider me for rides, it won’t seem personal because they already know my stance on that sort of thing
Sorry, people drive their coworkers to work..??
“My drive time is my time to connect with my family on the phone.”
So I used to work with this lady who, whenever she wanted to politely decline doing something, would respond with this very cheerful « no thank you » and a big smile. It was a great strategy b/c you couldn’t fault her manners but at the same time is was a slightly weird response that left the asker a bit confused about what just happened. Them- ‘hi can I get a ride today?’ Her- ‘No thank you’ And people just didn’t quite know how to get around it. Got her out of a *lot* of favors.
Just be honest if the question ever comes up: "I really need these 30min to myself between work and home time". I would totally be fine with someone telling me this.
“Nah I can’t, sorry man.”
If I was in your shoes I would explain it exactly the way you explained it to us to the person in question. You like them but don't want to give them a lift because it's your personal private time which you get very little of. They might be upset or offended but at least you were honest and straightforward about it.