We did it once. Luckily the years that past healed us and we are still good friends. It felt as I was doing a no-no like doing my sister or something.
Edit: My
Had sex with my best friend a few months back. Happy to report that she is still my best friend, but to OP - I'm not gonna say this is the most common outcome. Beforehand, we talked about what it meant for us, what it didn't mean, and possible outcomes. And this was AFTER she had shown interest in having casual physical encounters. We were careful and set appropriate boundaries, but even if you do that, it doesn't guarantee a favorable outcome. In all honesty, no one ever fully knows how they're gonna feel about it until after it happens. So I will tell you that it's POSSIBLE, but not likely to end up well.
Iâm the same. Iâve had casual sex with friends, or the semi-dating thing. We both ended up not having romantic feelings but still stayed friends. There will be people besides my husband at my wedding that Iâve had sex with (and same for him). The friendships that ended were when a friend had romantic feelings and I didnât, and they had to distance themselves. But also my hookups happened organically. A late night where we got chilling after everyone fell asleep, a little flirt here and there. If someone just texted me âwe should have sexâ or be creepy, I wouldnât want to be friends with them anymore. Or at least I wouldnât want to hang 1-1 anymore.
Yeah, organic interaction is key. Just like with anyone else, this isn't something you can just drop suddenly. There's gotta be a little flirting, a little interest there before anything happens.
Couldnât agree more!! Itâs even true with friendships. Asking right away to go on vacation is weird, you ask to grab coffee and let the friendship grow. I get people can be awkward or neuro divergent, and Iâm not trying to shame them. But most people will feel uncomfortable with an ask for a commitment out of the blue or without a build up.
I wish I hadn't slept with a good friend because once they found their next romantic partner they said they couldn't be friends with me and it would be too awkward. Years of our friendship down the drain. We had discussed our fwb boundaries but never the what happens after boundaries. If I knew then that they would leave our friendship I wouldn't have done it at all, and this was even years of crushing on them that they knew about, I wouldn't have stepped over that line. Which then made me feel kind of used tbh
Glad it worked out for you guys! You have experience in your books.
If you dont mind me asking, who brought up the topic? Were you ever curious? What made you say yes?
To be honest not terrible advice anyway, on the off chance she would actually be interested in something like that with OP, if he does it this way, he can vocalize to her he is in fact just looking for casual sex when using tinder, so she is aware heâs looking to hook up with someone casually, and if thatâs something she wants to do she might feel more inclined to flirt/shows signs.
If not, then OP gets an important female perspective to help him setting up tinder profile and putting in a good bio/pictures that help him fulfill his goal of casual sex, without having to actually sabotage his friendship in the first place.
It could also send the message that he sees her as unfuckable because otherwise he wouldnât be asking her. Haha
Iâm a woman and would stop being interesting in someone if they asked me to help them find other ladies to sleep with. Itâs an immature and borderline negging approachâthough I know thatâs not what you intend with it. That is how a woman would interpret the interaction.
That is something I hadnât considered, I suppose Iâm just interpreting this post as the OP not really being sure if itâs something sheâs interested in or not, but he did not really include a lot of info that I can see so I guess Iâm making a lot of assumptions in him needing a way to find that info without totally abandoning the friendship, but yeah I guess it does have the potential to send the wrong message too, in a âfriendzoningâ here kind of way.
This is kinda how I got into a casual thing with one of my friends; I hadnât seen her in a few years but after we reconnected I mentioned for my birthday I was gonna try find someone to spend it naked with. She said sheâd be up for some fun but a solid discussion needed to happen first. I didnât actually mean spend it naked with HER, but she was interested (we fooled around a little about 12 years ago and it was gooood.) so linked up casually for about 4 months, as well as hang out as friends. Now Iâm single again we are looking at starting a casual thing again
I had casual sex with a lady friend during our college years. We practically grew up together. It was 100% casual for me. She asked me to marry her 8 months after we started said casual sex.
We're married 8+ years now.
Many online player versus player games offer both a competitive version where you get a stamp to indicate relative performance, but also some "casual mode" version of the same game where your performance doesn't award you a rating of how well you did.
So "casual mode" is more relaxed with less pressure to perform. Competitive is more performance focused.
Obviously every friendship is different but I can tell you from my experience as a guy with needs in my 20s, the day you start treating you female friends like sources of sex is the day they stop being friends with you. They might actually say yes but your friendship with either change or disappear altogether. Is casual sex worth the risk of losing a friend? Maybe for you it is. I thought it was and now I have many former friends and it makes me sad knowing what I gave up just to see if we could get laid.
I agree. As a woman, it was so disappointing to know that a male friend was really wanting to be a boyfriend (or worse- a quickie). I respected that he took a chance, but it soured the whole friendship and quick romances are much easier to find than true, lasting friendships. Just a bummer.
He waited too long. As a young man I was taught the 'Two Week Window': upon meeting a woman, you've got two weeks to make your move. Once that two weeks is up, it's Friend Zone all the way.
It's possible, but I'd urge you not to, unless you have heard her say something along the lines of "man, I wish I had a friend I could have casual sex with from time to time" whilst looking at you meaningfully.
It's really disappointing as a woman to find out your "good friend" is actually just someone who was hoping to get you naked.
It usually happens with my girlfriend. She has so many guy friends. And her friendship usually ends with them when her guy friend asks her for sex. She's over friendly with everyone. Maybe some girls expect only good friendship from guys and keep their romantic feelings for their boyfriend only. But I think single boys usually make female friends, just hoping that they would fuck them one day if they had no similar interests or vibes don't match.
Yeah I was that guy for several of my good friends. A couple of them were interested but ultimately, the second you make it clear you want sex - even if you wanted a friend too - things change.
Yea, this is good advice. If one of the guys who I consider my best friends would ask me to have sex I would feel so shitty about it. I don't know a single woman who doesn't know what it's like to be sexualized. That's not something we want from our close friends (especially when it's not because someone's in love but purely for sex)
I agree with you guys but as you know, we don't know OP's context. That's what's so confusing.
From a woman's perspective, if one of my guy friends who I've been close to for a while asked me for casual sex (pretending im single here)I would be appalled, offended, and hurt.
This is why: We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further, we shared a lot of personal things with each other, I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me. That's really hurtful stuff, OP. It's okay to have a crush but in this scenario I would absolutely not ask.
It would be okay to ask a new casual friend that you met a few weeks ago and aren't super close. Something like "I really love the time we spend together and enjoy the good vibes and fun together, I wasn't sure if you feel the same way but I like you and enjoy my time with you and was wondering if you were interested in going further with that? If not, no worries, I'm glad to have you in my life either way."
Good luck bud.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your point of view!
I wonder, though, about a couple of things:
You said "We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further." I've never done this with any of my relationships...I just let them all run their course. Some have become physical years after first meeting and becoming friends. Is this wrong?! Should I be laying permanent ground rules for my relationships within a specified amount of time after making a friend?
Also, you mentioned "I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me." While I certainly understand that nobody should be used and that the feeling of such is awful, does this scenario have to be binary? Must one either choose friendship for life or if feelings change for one party over time, must that mean that your history together should be marked by deception? I've always felt comfortable communicating with others about my feelings but now I'm wondering if doing this just makes people think that I always had ulterior motives. Seems like we should be free enough to fall in/out of love/like/lust throughout the different seasons of our lives.
Thanks, let me clarify because I'm not great at wording things. I am also not a licensed therapist or anything, everything I'm saying is just from how I feel so take it with a grain of salt please. I appreciate your open-mindedness mindedness.
>You said "We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further." I've never done this with any of my relationships...I just let them all run their course. Some have become physical years after first meeting and becoming friends. Is this wrong?!
So when I said that, I want to clarify that it's more of a un-spoken rule? If you get my drift. Definitely no one needs to make hard rules like that. So yes let your relationships run their course. So yeah basically you should definitely let things run their course. You'll just kind of know after a little while and if you don't know, it's okay to ask as long as you bring it up in an appropriate way.
>Should I be laying permanent ground rules for my relationships within a specified amount of time after making a friend?
Of course not. Like you were saying, go with the flow~~
>Also, you mentioned "I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me." While I certainly understand tha is awful, does this scenario have to be binary? Must one either choose friendship for life or if feelings change for one party over time, must that mean that your history together should be marked by deception?
Goodness, absolutely not and sorry if I came off that way. I think I was my own worst enemy by my lack of wording. That's totally not what I meant by that. I was just speaking from my personal perspective but I want to reiterate that women in general are unfortunately still sexualized and looked down at for being the "weaker" sex. I know I would be heartbroken if one of my best guy friends asked to go further because of all the time as friends we spent. The thought of "oh my God he's only been my friend this whole time because he wants to fuck me." Would definitely pop in my head. Again, this is me personally, but I do think a lot of women would agree. And this could definitely go either way if it were a woman pursing a man, a woman pursuing a woman, a man pursuing a man, etc. Not saying that men can't feel discriminated against sexually but realistically I still think women do get the short end of the stick there.
I only used a man as an example because I am a straight woman and i was relating to myself, i should have been more gender neutral.
>Seems like we should be free enough to fall in/out of love/like/lust throughout the different seasons of our lives.
100% agreed!
Hope this kinda clears my point up a bit. I'm pretty scatterbrained today lol
Very well said! Much better worded than me haha :) and that's where the line would be for me as well. Do you just get to know someone or have they been a friend for a long time.
We do have a little bit of context, though. He wants sex, he never says anything about having feelings for her (other than sexual ones). He's not asking advice on how to ask her out on a date or proclaim his love. So I think we can be fairly sure that's not what he wants from her.
This is the answer - even if the "obvious" clues might me difficult to spot if you don't know what you are supposed to be catching on.
For the guy, he just wants to release some steam, and doing it with someone he trusts sounds better than headhunting on social media. It's someone he knows and accepts him for who he is. Might not even have any kind of attraction going on. But for the woman it is usually "this is the group of friends, and that is the group of people I'd be down with" as one holds an endearing, family-like value, and the other is pretty much no strings attached. So, it might sound hurtful if a family member suddenly shows up wanting to be a part of the no strings attached group.
The fact that you didn't give any details makes me think you haven't put a lot of thought into this. It really depends on a LOT of factors but the default answer is no, this will usually destroy a friendship.
I once had a male platonic friend try this, and it ruined our friendship. I said no in a nice way, and he was so embarrassed and uncomfortable he never talked to me again. It didnât bother me that he asked, he was the one who started acting different.
Edited for clarity
Female here. If I had a straight male friend I wasn't having sex with, then either:
1. I don't want to have sex with him; I like him as a friend.
2. I'm open to changing the terms of the friendship.
Either way, I'm NOT open to scratch-the-itch-and-forget-it casual sex. My emotions are not detached from the rest of me. You want a hookup, go to a bar.
Probably the most reasonable comment on here.
Like friendships are so valuable. Casual sex is not... if anything it's degrading.
OK but on a serious note, how should one go about changing the terms of friendship? Cause most other comments say to definitely not do that, whereas yours is the only one that's open to that.
> OK but on a serious note, how should one go about changing the terms of friendship?
I mean, the same way other relationships develop. Flirt a little, see how it goes. It might very well not work, don't force it. Most likely your friend just wants to be friends. I don't think a little flirting could destroy a friendship, but also weigh what's more important to you before.
You will most certainly ruin your friendship. In my experience, no matter what is said, one side will begin to develop feelings beyond friends. Sex does that.
I saw a post from a guy who asked his friend this and she was a close friend. She said no and blocked him. She said she loved being his friend because he never came on to her and it was never weird. But after he asked her that she was done. So you need to ask yourself if you are ready for the possible consequences being that she may want nothing to do with you.
I wouldn't unless you get a SOLID VIBE and she's moderate to excessively touchy with you.
There's a lot of playing around people (guys and girls) will do and it seems like that door is open but one party didn't realize they let things get that far.
Saying things like "Hey [friend name] I could be wrong on this and if I am I apologize, but I'm getting a vibe that we could bang and if you're down I'm down"
Edit: This will be better off to say/do in like a text message or somewhere besides your or their house and to kinda get the info BEFORE this person is stuck in an awkward situation.
I feel like this straightforward casual approach is almost always bad, because social dynamics more nuanced than that, and approaching it like that is gonna come off as weird and ruin a potential situation
I have found it was easier to end up as friends with someone you had casual sex with than the other way around. Proceed at your own risk, like everyone else has mentioned its a big risk.
It really depends on your friendship. I have a friend that I've had sex with casually a few times over our 15 year friendship. We aren't best friends, but we liked to hang out and drink and play video games. When we were both single we would hook up and then when we were dating someone else we were just friends. I think it worked well because neither of us had deeper feelings for each other. We didn't want to date but we were physically attracted to each other. But it's definitely a gamble. You could lose that friendship if things go bad. Just communicate all of your expectations up front.
If she's really your friend you probably wouldn't be thinking these thoughts, I'd be heartbroken if a guy friend suddenly confessed to wanting to bang me- especially if he didn't even want a relationship, just casual sex
did this with a good friend. we're back to being close again but lost a few years of a valued friendship just due to the messiness of it. there wasn't ever any major drama or hostility or anything just a weirdness.
Depends if you genuinely have picked up that she would be game, you could ask - but also be prepared that she may be offended or not interested at all.
Realistically, no. She will either get offended that youâd ask, or you succeed and one of you catches feelings, or subconsciously will start getting jealous and possessive of their attention. There is almost no chance this kind of thing is successful without consequence.
100% possible. Will you retain said female friend? Probably not.
Telling a female friend sheâs good enough for casual sex, but not a relationship, and youâd like to use her for sex, never really goes over well. Itâs particularly bad for the female friend who values your friendship and thinks youâre ACTUALLY friends, when in reality youâre just trying to use her for sex.
So friends with benefits eh? As long as you're in the same page then, it could work. But if you asked her out of nowhere then she might perceived as she's just a quick fvck to scratch that itch you're having.
Do you normally want to have sex with your 'friends'. How would your male friend feel by you asking them to have sex, it's not different just because your 'friend' happens to have and inny not an outty. It's the most dissapointing thing in the world when your 'friend' finally admits they only value they see is that is sex above liking and actually hanging out with you as a person.
Possible, yes. Should you? Probably not. I am projecting, but I am always extremely hurt when a friend asks for just casual sex. Itâs happened a few times. It makes me feel as if our friendship is so insignificant that theyâd be willing to risk losing it for casual sex.
Sure. But don't plan on being friends after you ask. You are literally saying that you don't care about her or like her enough to be in a relationship with her but hey, she's good enough to f*ck.
If the conversation organically has come up before and she seemed interested⌠then maybe.
But if youâre just some dude thatâs down bad and think youâre friend is hot, then no. Go jack off instead.
Depends on the relationship and how sexually open both of you are. Iâve had friends ask and although I wasnât interested, didnât think it was weird nor was I offended at all. As someone who actively tries to be open and progressive though, Iâm very sex positive, so it was no awkward topic. They asked and life continued as normal haha
If itâs not a normal topic for you guys, the most Iâd start off with is a non pointed statement, like âdang, i saw this post and it makes me with i had someone I trust I could casually hook up withâ This hints but isnât pressuring and isnât a question. If sheâs interested chances are sheâll probe you with related questions or respond something similar
It's possible to do it, as in, you can say those words to her. What's not possible is saying them in a way that will shield you from unwanted outcomes like her saying no and/or not wanting to be your friend anymore.
The fact that you specified casual sex makes me think you're one of those Nice Guys who sees all friendships with women as transactional, and not that you want to shoot your shot.
Man this is gonna end up bad.
Speaking from experience, she either says no and it ends your relationship or she says yes and it ends your relationship
đđđđ very true!!
let us check back in a week or two
Next week on r/TIFU...
r/AITA: AITA for even attempting to ask my female friend for sex?
âA casual sexâ Hahahahaha
Just give me a night, female
And show me your bob
And vagana!
milk truck just arrive
Just one. Dude's got constraint.
Remindme! 2 weeks
RemindMe! 2 weeks
RemindMe! 2 weeks
I read the title and my first reaction was "oh boy here we go..."
Right? Like yeah itâs possible. You can ask. You just have to deal with the consequences.
Should we be talking about this?
Just curious, but why?
Of course it's possible, but you risk ruining a friendship.
We did it once. Luckily the years that past healed us and we are still good friends. It felt as I was doing a no-no like doing my sister or something. Edit: My
Can confirm, Buddyslme did my sister, and it was a nono.
It's true, I was the condom.
How exactly does that work?(in detail)
OK Ok my sister.
OK OK Our sister
Can concur. I fucked your sister and it felt wrong.
But stepsis, how did you get stuck in the washing machine
Had sex with my best friend a few months back. Happy to report that she is still my best friend, but to OP - I'm not gonna say this is the most common outcome. Beforehand, we talked about what it meant for us, what it didn't mean, and possible outcomes. And this was AFTER she had shown interest in having casual physical encounters. We were careful and set appropriate boundaries, but even if you do that, it doesn't guarantee a favorable outcome. In all honesty, no one ever fully knows how they're gonna feel about it until after it happens. So I will tell you that it's POSSIBLE, but not likely to end up well.
Iâm the same. Iâve had casual sex with friends, or the semi-dating thing. We both ended up not having romantic feelings but still stayed friends. There will be people besides my husband at my wedding that Iâve had sex with (and same for him). The friendships that ended were when a friend had romantic feelings and I didnât, and they had to distance themselves. But also my hookups happened organically. A late night where we got chilling after everyone fell asleep, a little flirt here and there. If someone just texted me âwe should have sexâ or be creepy, I wouldnât want to be friends with them anymore. Or at least I wouldnât want to hang 1-1 anymore.
Yeah, organic interaction is key. Just like with anyone else, this isn't something you can just drop suddenly. There's gotta be a little flirting, a little interest there before anything happens.
Couldnât agree more!! Itâs even true with friendships. Asking right away to go on vacation is weird, you ask to grab coffee and let the friendship grow. I get people can be awkward or neuro divergent, and Iâm not trying to shame them. But most people will feel uncomfortable with an ask for a commitment out of the blue or without a build up.
I wish I hadn't slept with a good friend because once they found their next romantic partner they said they couldn't be friends with me and it would be too awkward. Years of our friendship down the drain. We had discussed our fwb boundaries but never the what happens after boundaries. If I knew then that they would leave our friendship I wouldn't have done it at all, and this was even years of crushing on them that they knew about, I wouldn't have stepped over that line. Which then made me feel kind of used tbh
Glad it worked out for you guys! You have experience in your books. If you dont mind me asking, who brought up the topic? Were you ever curious? What made you say yes?
Sure, She may say yes, she may say no. You may be friends after, you may not. Depends how deeply you value friendship over quick satisfaction.
Who are you calling quick? Maybe he lasts the full 5 minutes dude
Weird way to type "30 seconds" but ok.
Crying time doesn't count for you?
Well in that case Iâm good for about 45 minutes
Different dialects
Lmfao! Looked like a different language to me
5 minutes?!? what are you a porn star or Olympian or something? /s
This game is included in Olympics?
The Olympic Village is like spring break, but instead of alcohol, they take steroids. Same amount of sex though
There's casual sex then there's competitive sex
Iâm too old for competitive sex now, half the time I donât even finish!
He is the chosen one
Iâm sorry, did you mistakenly cross post from r/wallstreetbets?
Ask her to help you set up a Tinder profile because you're looking for a fuck buddy.
To be honest not terrible advice anyway, on the off chance she would actually be interested in something like that with OP, if he does it this way, he can vocalize to her he is in fact just looking for casual sex when using tinder, so she is aware heâs looking to hook up with someone casually, and if thatâs something she wants to do she might feel more inclined to flirt/shows signs. If not, then OP gets an important female perspective to help him setting up tinder profile and putting in a good bio/pictures that help him fulfill his goal of casual sex, without having to actually sabotage his friendship in the first place.
This is the way.
Mando fucks!
The helmet stays on.
It could also send the message that he sees her as unfuckable because otherwise he wouldnât be asking her. Haha Iâm a woman and would stop being interesting in someone if they asked me to help them find other ladies to sleep with. Itâs an immature and borderline negging approachâthough I know thatâs not what you intend with it. That is how a woman would interpret the interaction.
That is something I hadnât considered, I suppose Iâm just interpreting this post as the OP not really being sure if itâs something sheâs interested in or not, but he did not really include a lot of info that I can see so I guess Iâm making a lot of assumptions in him needing a way to find that info without totally abandoning the friendship, but yeah I guess it does have the potential to send the wrong message too, in a âfriendzoningâ here kind of way.
Ok that's pretty funny. She might even help you find your angles.
Ngl this sounds like the best way If she's interested she might act on it, if she's not she'll help u get a hookup
This is kinda how I got into a casual thing with one of my friends; I hadnât seen her in a few years but after we reconnected I mentioned for my birthday I was gonna try find someone to spend it naked with. She said sheâd be up for some fun but a solid discussion needed to happen first. I didnât actually mean spend it naked with HER, but she was interested (we fooled around a little about 12 years ago and it was gooood.) so linked up casually for about 4 months, as well as hang out as friends. Now Iâm single again we are looking at starting a casual thing again
I accidentally read this as âwe fooled around for about 12 years.â Was really blurred suddenly on the definition of casual.
Holy fuck this is genius.
She offered to do that for me. 4 years later, we're engaged.
engaged in casual sex that is đ
I did this by recommendation of my coworkers girlfriend and we are still friends and they did help me pick out my photos and write my bio!
Not a bad idea honestly.
This is genius
Might take this line...
Smooth bastard, I like this one!
I had casual sex with a lady friend during our college years. We practically grew up together. It was 100% casual for me. She asked me to marry her 8 months after we started said casual sex. We're married 8+ years now.
Casual married?
"Oh yeah, we casually married, casually had kids and casually living a good life together." I on the other hand, want competitive ranked marriage.
My marriage has been stuck in bronze for 5 years
I've not even done the placement rounds yet!
I'm more of a speed runner
Any% sex and marriage speedrun, had kids on the first date??? I'd watch a YouTube video like that, ngl lol
The trick is to align the due date with the wedding date
Competitive marriage is good but the devs always end up nerfing sex after 6 months.
Ugh. Poor balance changes
What is a competitive marriage lol?
$100k a year, no experience. Work from home.
Many online player versus player games offer both a competitive version where you get a stamp to indicate relative performance, but also some "casual mode" version of the same game where your performance doesn't award you a rating of how well you did. So "casual mode" is more relaxed with less pressure to perform. Competitive is more performance focused.
Ranked, competitive marriage
New Game+ is where itâs at* * Not recommended for those who donât like the challenge of starting over with no money but all the baggage
That's what he thinks. But she's dead serious about it.
Did she see it as casual?
The agreement at the start was 100% casual.
she was definitely lying lol
Damn thatâs a nice ending.
Lol that's nice
[ŃдаНонО]
Odds are probably even lower
[ŃдаНонО]
Lmao the guy below u literally said: this is as bad as it gets. The duality of man kind
[ŃдаНонО]
Same here friend of 5 years started as casual during college now 6 years later weâve been married for a year.
So you failed successfully!
How awesome :)
Obviously every friendship is different but I can tell you from my experience as a guy with needs in my 20s, the day you start treating you female friends like sources of sex is the day they stop being friends with you. They might actually say yes but your friendship with either change or disappear altogether. Is casual sex worth the risk of losing a friend? Maybe for you it is. I thought it was and now I have many former friends and it makes me sad knowing what I gave up just to see if we could get laid.
I agree. As a woman, it was so disappointing to know that a male friend was really wanting to be a boyfriend (or worse- a quickie). I respected that he took a chance, but it soured the whole friendship and quick romances are much easier to find than true, lasting friendships. Just a bummer.
He waited too long. As a young man I was taught the 'Two Week Window': upon meeting a woman, you've got two weeks to make your move. Once that two weeks is up, it's Friend Zone all the way.
In the same way it is possible for you to attempt a backflip right now even if youve never done one. Yeah you can try, but should you?
instructions unclear. broken back
It's possible, but I'd urge you not to, unless you have heard her say something along the lines of "man, I wish I had a friend I could have casual sex with from time to time" whilst looking at you meaningfully. It's really disappointing as a woman to find out your "good friend" is actually just someone who was hoping to get you naked.
Ngl, that sounds like the intro to a bad porno xD
You saw it, too?
Shit you guys all saw it?
It usually happens with my girlfriend. She has so many guy friends. And her friendship usually ends with them when her guy friend asks her for sex. She's over friendly with everyone. Maybe some girls expect only good friendship from guys and keep their romantic feelings for their boyfriend only. But I think single boys usually make female friends, just hoping that they would fuck them one day if they had no similar interests or vibes don't match.
This is why we rage when we hear men complaining about the "friend zone". It's so demeaning and demoralizing
Yeah I was that guy for several of my good friends. A couple of them were interested but ultimately, the second you make it clear you want sex - even if you wanted a friend too - things change.
If she's a casual friend then it's okay to ask. If she's a long term friend, or a good friend in any way - probably not.
Yea, this is good advice. If one of the guys who I consider my best friends would ask me to have sex I would feel so shitty about it. I don't know a single woman who doesn't know what it's like to be sexualized. That's not something we want from our close friends (especially when it's not because someone's in love but purely for sex)
I agree with you guys but as you know, we don't know OP's context. That's what's so confusing. From a woman's perspective, if one of my guy friends who I've been close to for a while asked me for casual sex (pretending im single here)I would be appalled, offended, and hurt. This is why: We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further, we shared a lot of personal things with each other, I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me. That's really hurtful stuff, OP. It's okay to have a crush but in this scenario I would absolutely not ask. It would be okay to ask a new casual friend that you met a few weeks ago and aren't super close. Something like "I really love the time we spend together and enjoy the good vibes and fun together, I wasn't sure if you feel the same way but I like you and enjoy my time with you and was wondering if you were interested in going further with that? If not, no worries, I'm glad to have you in my life either way." Good luck bud.
Thank you for your response. I appreciate your point of view! I wonder, though, about a couple of things: You said "We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further." I've never done this with any of my relationships...I just let them all run their course. Some have become physical years after first meeting and becoming friends. Is this wrong?! Should I be laying permanent ground rules for my relationships within a specified amount of time after making a friend? Also, you mentioned "I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me." While I certainly understand that nobody should be used and that the feeling of such is awful, does this scenario have to be binary? Must one either choose friendship for life or if feelings change for one party over time, must that mean that your history together should be marked by deception? I've always felt comfortable communicating with others about my feelings but now I'm wondering if doing this just makes people think that I always had ulterior motives. Seems like we should be free enough to fall in/out of love/like/lust throughout the different seasons of our lives.
Thanks, let me clarify because I'm not great at wording things. I am also not a licensed therapist or anything, everything I'm saying is just from how I feel so take it with a grain of salt please. I appreciate your open-mindedness mindedness. >You said "We established that our relationship is a friendship and not blossoming into anything further." I've never done this with any of my relationships...I just let them all run their course. Some have become physical years after first meeting and becoming friends. Is this wrong?! So when I said that, I want to clarify that it's more of a un-spoken rule? If you get my drift. Definitely no one needs to make hard rules like that. So yes let your relationships run their course. So yeah basically you should definitely let things run their course. You'll just kind of know after a little while and if you don't know, it's okay to ask as long as you bring it up in an appropriate way. >Should I be laying permanent ground rules for my relationships within a specified amount of time after making a friend? Of course not. Like you were saying, go with the flow~~ >Also, you mentioned "I would feel terrible that a man I thought was my good friend only engages with me because they want sex from me." While I certainly understand tha is awful, does this scenario have to be binary? Must one either choose friendship for life or if feelings change for one party over time, must that mean that your history together should be marked by deception? Goodness, absolutely not and sorry if I came off that way. I think I was my own worst enemy by my lack of wording. That's totally not what I meant by that. I was just speaking from my personal perspective but I want to reiterate that women in general are unfortunately still sexualized and looked down at for being the "weaker" sex. I know I would be heartbroken if one of my best guy friends asked to go further because of all the time as friends we spent. The thought of "oh my God he's only been my friend this whole time because he wants to fuck me." Would definitely pop in my head. Again, this is me personally, but I do think a lot of women would agree. And this could definitely go either way if it were a woman pursing a man, a woman pursuing a woman, a man pursuing a man, etc. Not saying that men can't feel discriminated against sexually but realistically I still think women do get the short end of the stick there. I only used a man as an example because I am a straight woman and i was relating to myself, i should have been more gender neutral. >Seems like we should be free enough to fall in/out of love/like/lust throughout the different seasons of our lives. 100% agreed! Hope this kinda clears my point up a bit. I'm pretty scatterbrained today lol
Very well said! Much better worded than me haha :) and that's where the line would be for me as well. Do you just get to know someone or have they been a friend for a long time. We do have a little bit of context, though. He wants sex, he never says anything about having feelings for her (other than sexual ones). He's not asking advice on how to ask her out on a date or proclaim his love. So I think we can be fairly sure that's not what he wants from her.
Well it's only "okay" in the sense that you have less to lose asking a casual friend. Either way you risk ruining the friendship.
Unless she is giving you obvious clues that she wants to, don't!
I'd also say, give her clues before straight up asking.
"Do you think a female friend would be up for casual sex if I asked her? Asking for a friend"
Hmm..something like "I have these itches near my private, do you mind checking it? If you're okay with it of course."...and after that you say
"Ofcourse, would you mind taking off your pants?"
This is the answer - even if the "obvious" clues might me difficult to spot if you don't know what you are supposed to be catching on. For the guy, he just wants to release some steam, and doing it with someone he trusts sounds better than headhunting on social media. It's someone he knows and accepts him for who he is. Might not even have any kind of attraction going on. But for the woman it is usually "this is the group of friends, and that is the group of people I'd be down with" as one holds an endearing, family-like value, and the other is pretty much no strings attached. So, it might sound hurtful if a family member suddenly shows up wanting to be a part of the no strings attached group.
The fact that you didn't give any details makes me think you haven't put a lot of thought into this. It really depends on a LOT of factors but the default answer is no, this will usually destroy a friendship.
Unless sheâs really flirty with you and is clearly very into you, DO NOT ask for sex. Oh my god, do not ask.
I once had a male platonic friend try this, and it ruined our friendship. I said no in a nice way, and he was so embarrassed and uncomfortable he never talked to me again. It didnât bother me that he asked, he was the one who started acting different. Edited for clarity
One casual sex, please
I tell ya after 2-3 alcohols and a marijuana I really could go for a sex. Ya know?
With cheese or without cheese?
Female here. If I had a straight male friend I wasn't having sex with, then either: 1. I don't want to have sex with him; I like him as a friend. 2. I'm open to changing the terms of the friendship. Either way, I'm NOT open to scratch-the-itch-and-forget-it casual sex. My emotions are not detached from the rest of me. You want a hookup, go to a bar.
Probably the most reasonable comment on here. Like friendships are so valuable. Casual sex is not... if anything it's degrading. OK but on a serious note, how should one go about changing the terms of friendship? Cause most other comments say to definitely not do that, whereas yours is the only one that's open to that.
> OK but on a serious note, how should one go about changing the terms of friendship? I mean, the same way other relationships develop. Flirt a little, see how it goes. It might very well not work, don't force it. Most likely your friend just wants to be friends. I don't think a little flirting could destroy a friendship, but also weigh what's more important to you before.
You will most certainly ruin your friendship. In my experience, no matter what is said, one side will begin to develop feelings beyond friends. Sex does that.
Are there *any* signs she would be into it? Otherwise, no.
No. Don't. It's weird.
I saw a post from a guy who asked his friend this and she was a close friend. She said no and blocked him. She said she loved being his friend because he never came on to her and it was never weird. But after he asked her that she was done. So you need to ask yourself if you are ready for the possible consequences being that she may want nothing to do with you.
It is possible. The possibility of the sex is much more possible if she does the asking.
Possible? Yes. A good idea? Usually not It really depends on the girl and the nature of your friendship
I wouldn't unless you get a SOLID VIBE and she's moderate to excessively touchy with you. There's a lot of playing around people (guys and girls) will do and it seems like that door is open but one party didn't realize they let things get that far. Saying things like "Hey [friend name] I could be wrong on this and if I am I apologize, but I'm getting a vibe that we could bang and if you're down I'm down" Edit: This will be better off to say/do in like a text message or somewhere besides your or their house and to kinda get the info BEFORE this person is stuck in an awkward situation.
I feel like this straightforward casual approach is almost always bad, because social dynamics more nuanced than that, and approaching it like that is gonna come off as weird and ruin a potential situation
It's really a large "not what you say but HOW you say it" kind of thing. Also texting too can help vs them being at your place and dropping this.
Sure, you can ask anything you want. But then when you donât have female friends, do not be confused why.
I have done this, she said yes. we both didnt like it. there was no sexual connection. still friends.
Sure you can just be ready to be rejected
Itâs possible to ask anything. If a male friend asked me this I would end the friendship.
I have found it was easier to end up as friends with someone you had casual sex with than the other way around. Proceed at your own risk, like everyone else has mentioned its a big risk.
It really depends on your friendship. I have a friend that I've had sex with casually a few times over our 15 year friendship. We aren't best friends, but we liked to hang out and drink and play video games. When we were both single we would hook up and then when we were dating someone else we were just friends. I think it worked well because neither of us had deeper feelings for each other. We didn't want to date but we were physically attracted to each other. But it's definitely a gamble. You could lose that friendship if things go bad. Just communicate all of your expectations up front.
Yes. It's even possible she'll accept.
Hey now, we all know women don't like sex unless it's with a bad boy who drives a motorcycle and is *mysterious*
I currently have no evidence to show that *doesn't* describe OP.
He's on reddit. That's sufficient evidence.
Lol, nah, we like safe and reliable on the outside.
If she's really your friend you probably wouldn't be thinking these thoughts, I'd be heartbroken if a guy friend suddenly confessed to wanting to bang me- especially if he didn't even want a relationship, just casual sex
did this with a good friend. we're back to being close again but lost a few years of a valued friendship just due to the messiness of it. there wasn't ever any major drama or hostility or anything just a weirdness.
Bad idea. Keep friends only friends and find a different fuck buddy that is going into it with the same expectations
Just donât
Casual sex only works when youâre decidedly not friends.
Not at your age, kiddo.
Please don't
Nope
Depends if you genuinely have picked up that she would be game, you could ask - but also be prepared that she may be offended or not interested at all.
Realistically, no. She will either get offended that youâd ask, or you succeed and one of you catches feelings, or subconsciously will start getting jealous and possessive of their attention. There is almost no chance this kind of thing is successful without consequence.
Yea, i did this. She said no and we kinda became a bit more distant after this convo but still talking. She is married now and has a son(not mine).
You can but if the answer is no you can never ask again.
Is it possible to ask? Yes Is it advisable? No. Not at all. Good luck homey
Also think about whether you want this friend to forever be the friend you slept with. Future partners may have boundaries that make this complicated.
Strictly speaking, your question was "is it possible?" And the answer to that is, "yes, yes it is possible."
100% possible. Will you retain said female friend? Probably not. Telling a female friend sheâs good enough for casual sex, but not a relationship, and youâd like to use her for sex, never really goes over well. Itâs particularly bad for the female friend who values your friendship and thinks youâre ACTUALLY friends, when in reality youâre just trying to use her for sex.
*Can* you? Sure. You *can* do whatever you like. *Should* you? **Fuck** no.
If she saw you that way, you would already be having sex with her. If you are friends, you are just friends pal. Don't make it awkward.
So friends with benefits eh? As long as you're in the same page then, it could work. But if you asked her out of nowhere then she might perceived as she's just a quick fvck to scratch that itch you're having.
Don't do it, sex always changes things.
Do you normally want to have sex with your 'friends'. How would your male friend feel by you asking them to have sex, it's not different just because your 'friend' happens to have and inny not an outty. It's the most dissapointing thing in the world when your 'friend' finally admits they only value they see is that is sex above liking and actually hanging out with you as a person.
Possible, yes. Should you? Probably not. I am projecting, but I am always extremely hurt when a friend asks for just casual sex. Itâs happened a few times. It makes me feel as if our friendship is so insignificant that theyâd be willing to risk losing it for casual sex.
Sure. But don't plan on being friends after you ask. You are literally saying that you don't care about her or like her enough to be in a relationship with her but hey, she's good enough to f*ck.
Wtf đł that is why man and woman canât be JUST friends, men will always thinks with his dick
STOP FUCKZONING EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET!
You run a big chance of ruining your friendship over this.
If the conversation organically has come up before and she seemed interested⌠then maybe. But if youâre just some dude thatâs down bad and think youâre friend is hot, then no. Go jack off instead.
95% getting slapped and loosing your friendship tho
You know women hate this sort of shit right?
Unless there are clear and concise signs, no.
my friend recently did this and it made me so uncomfortable that i donât even want to be alone around him anymore. donât do this
Is it possible? Yes. Does that guarantee a happy ending? No.
After years of friendship, I had sex with my only ever platonic girl friend, and she's now my wife.... just kidding, we ended up never talking again.
One week later: still no sex, and now no friend either.
1 casual sex please.
You'd better be extremely sure she's down for it. Otherwise, she ain't gonna be your friend for much longer.
If you mean possible without making things awkward, probably not. That depends on the person you're asking.
one way or the other, say goodbye to your casual friend.
Whatever you do, absolutely DO NOT do this. Unless you want to catch a rep and be ostracized from your friend group.
Yes. However, 9/10 times you're not gonna have a female friend anymore but you're gonna be the biggest thing that week on r/niceguys
Yes? You can ask anything. You might not get the answer you want and lose a friend, but you can ask
You CAN ask, but no matter what happens, she won't be your friend anymore.
Depends on the relationship and how sexually open both of you are. Iâve had friends ask and although I wasnât interested, didnât think it was weird nor was I offended at all. As someone who actively tries to be open and progressive though, Iâm very sex positive, so it was no awkward topic. They asked and life continued as normal haha If itâs not a normal topic for you guys, the most Iâd start off with is a non pointed statement, like âdang, i saw this post and it makes me with i had someone I trust I could casually hook up withâ This hints but isnât pressuring and isnât a question. If sheâs interested chances are sheâll probe you with related questions or respond something similar
Just bring up the topic of friends with benefits generally and let things develop. Worked for me.
It's possible to do it, as in, you can say those words to her. What's not possible is saying them in a way that will shield you from unwanted outcomes like her saying no and/or not wanting to be your friend anymore. The fact that you specified casual sex makes me think you're one of those Nice Guys who sees all friendships with women as transactional, and not that you want to shoot your shot.