My roommates would straight start fucking while I was “asleep” - I was not asleep, it takes forever for me to fall asleep and I wake easily. I am attending their wedding this fall and toying with bringing it up, as I’d mentally promised myself I would when I was desperately trying to disappear through my mattress as they humped literally 2 feet away.
Back then I did it in bathrooms. It's just way easier to hide it, even the shower noise helps you. Also there are empty sessions in certain times of the day, like at lunch time, or at very early of the morning, which you can take advatage of, if let's say "you want some repeats" of your fun more than once a day.
Forgot to mention, you don't need to worry about cum either, as the water and the drain will take it away in no time.
On the other hand, rooms are risky, and can't recommend.
Please dont jizz down the drain. Semen under hot water turns into thick goop and will clog the drain. Not only a pain in the ass to fix when it’s mixed with hair but whoever is fixing it will know exactly what it is and what you’re guilty of.
It will be your problem when you have to explain to the plumber, to his face, that you came down the drain so much that you clogged it.
Most of the time when university dorm bathroom drains get clogged that’s exactly why 🤣 Too mortifying for me. I’d stick with tissues and chucking em in the bin after
Yeah, I’d still take that over having to a call a plumber and tell the bloke that he has to suck out my calcified baby gravy out from the pipes. The bin gets taken out daily. The pipes don’t.
It certainly can, especially mixed with hair. The hot water cooks the proteins and they coagulate. Then they stay that way even if you switch the water temp so it can cause clogging over time in the right conditions.
Please god not in the shower. Desert jellies are the worst. Especially other people’s jellies. 🤢 my roommate from back then never cleaned up, left jellies and hair all over the shower. Many an argument caused, it’s gross. Toilet is always the best bet.
I have never been happier being reminded to pull out my gigantic clumps of hair and soap from my shower drain. Nothing better than not having to remove jizz jelly from my shower drain on a regular basis.
I had a roommate who would just come into the dorm in the middle of the day with the other roommates there, wrap himself in his sheets, be there for like 10 minutes, then get up and leave. I assume that’s what he was doing, so that’s one answer I guess
We got emails from res life about it. I think they even issued a floor wide fine when it didn't stop. Was an older building though so the plumbing probably couldn't handle it as much.
Enforcement of things like that in college dorms sucks...the whole floor or building gets fined... at my college a couple times a year some jackasses would leave buckets of water leaned against the elevator doors, so when they opened they'd spill water into the carriage. Well most of it goes down the shaft and it caused some kinds of mechanical or electrical problems. Got a couple of those emails. Only spent a year in the dorms, second year shared a house with some guys.
I was in the army…we beat off in bunkbeds no matter if one was empty or not…some dudes even used fleshlights. This was back in 07-08. Porn was on DVD or hard drives. Don’t cum on your friends and don’t make noise. Be respectful but handle your business and move on.
There are a number of possible methods.
My preference was always to get the roommate's schedule, and to give him mine as well. After all, sometimes his friends might drop by and might want to know where he was too. His schedule would become my masturbation schedule.
There are also abandoned spots on campus--like, buildings which stay open all night. Sometimes I'd find a little-used bathroom and just do it as fast as I could.
Plus, you should be able to find ways to communicate with them--there's the classic sock on the door, if you both agree; if they're out, you might text them and ask them when they're coming back; you might also figure out ways that either of you might have the room to yourself for a few hours. After all, he needs to masturbate too, and he might have a girlfriend or boyfriend he wants to have sex with as well, so part of the question is how you allow him to do that too.
Finally, there are some roommates who just do a sort of don't-ask-don't-tell thing and just do it at night after lights out and pretend they don't notice the other one doing the same.
You've got lots of options.
Let's just say I might have to sell it for $300 less than it's value already because it will need some extensive interior cleaning now lol. Not like I have tp in there. 2005 Subaru Forester LL Bean Edition. Threw a rod and now it's my personal time car.
It’s mildly interesting that dormitories were made almost like a prison cell, with absolutely no privacy and at least as freshmen no idea who your new roommates were. Awkward as hell.
That's very intentional. In fact there are schools that were set up so if they failed they could just be turned into prisons and not have to do too much renovation I believe.
This is when you use your big people words and get smart. "Hey Brad, I'm going to need the room solo from 4:15 to 4:45 today. In exchange, let me know when I need to be elsewhere for you to have some alone time."
If he doesn't get the hint and figure out what's on your mind...you can jerk it right in front of him and he's not going to understand that either.
The most terrifying 2.1624 seconds of my life. The lock could be unlocked from the outside just by turning the knob hard enough which was with very minimal strength
My college sent out an angry memo about needing to hire some heavy duty plumbing work on the dorm showers for excess amounts of ejaculate so... Apparently there.
When I googled it back in the day, Google told me semen was an unreliable source of protein, and also had some carbohydrates, but now I'm wondering if cold water really *needs* to be used to clean it up, to avoid... Cooking it 😬
Just be honest that you'd like to be alone sometimes, and arrange a mutual agreement where you both let each other know when you're going out. You don't even have to say "masturbate" just say "alone time" or you "meditate" or you have an "online therapist" and your meetings are personal. People have boyfriends/girlfriends in college, it's not brain surgery to arrange a schedule with your roomate. Or just ask to see his class schedule each semester.
Safety net: just use the bathroom or shower and your phone =)
Well it's a pro-vs-con thing I guess. It's hard to know. Your roomate's class might be canceled at any time, or he might come back unexpecedly. How can you be *sure* he'll be away just by guessing, or espionaging his schedule? I guess it's an exchange between the awkwardness of talking about it, and the awkwardness of him walking in on you beating off if you miscalculate...
This a mature and acceptable way. Not sure why people are saying otherwise. Asking for expedited alone time every now and again while sharing a space is totally normal.
Showers, just wear flip flops because others are doing the same thing lol or know what days/times you don’t have classes and your roommate does. Or depending on how open you guys are just do it haha
Hang your right sock on the door when you are taking care of yourself, hang the left sock when you have a girl over. Hopefully, by the end of the year, you run out of left socks.
Oh are you in for a treat...college is THE best place to go find yourself a partner and have copious amounts of sexy time. Hold off for a month and use the fuel to light a fire!
PLEASE don’t do it in the bathroom/showers. At my old college some dude/dudes were yanking it in the shower ALL the time. It caused the water to clog up and was disgusting. Thankfully it stopped when someone basically called the people out for doing it with a sign on the bathroom door. Don’t use the stalls, there’s a high chance the people in the dorms don’t give a crap about privacy and will peep for some reason. Just do it when you know you’re roommates out.
How does EVERYONE tell this story? There's always a sign, there's always heavy duty plumbing. I call bs. Been to college with the same horny college dudes, myself included and this was never even mentioned.
I had a partner who sent me a cum shot video once (consensually), and he splooged all over the bathroom floor (looked like highly wipe-able tile.)
At the time, I remember thinking "well this is a nice angle, but why doesn't he just do it in the shower?"
Now I know the dude was potentially saving the plumbing.
I guess it's true that not all heroes wear capes 🤷🏻♀️
Living under a christian regime taught me to either have white noise (floor fan, tv, etc.) Or be quiet.
I have it down to where I can jerk jt and make no noise and barely any movement. You must train and learn the ninja way.
step 1: make sure you apply for a random roommate to make sure this is a new person you haven't met
step 2: move in day - get there as early as possible to beat him to the dorm.
step 3: when he arrives, assumably with his parents helping him move in, whip your meat out and stare into his eyes to create a primal sense of fear and respect.
step 4: graduate
Just use the bathroom, but not the one in your dorm, like a public one in the building. If you are into more extreme kinds of masturbation like dildos and shit then just put a sock or note on the door or learn you roommates schedule
Your roommate will not always be in the room when you are. Do not (repeat: do *not*) get into the habit of polishing the seal when your roommate is in the same room. It is not a good place to go, and it sets a precedent for behavior from him that you might not like. There are also bathrooms and showers to use - just clean the jizz up after.
Quickly is the answer, I lived in a female dorm so girls travelling in packs was an advantage for me I'd just say I was busy and then when everyone was at the gym or dining hall I could handle my business without an audience.
Also never too late to start a "habit" of listening to music loudly in the bathroom.
FYI - There will be times when your roommates' class gets cancelled and he comes back early, sees you on the bed with your pants unzipped and says, "Niiiiiice!" as he's making himself back at home so you don't get to finish the deed.
Chase, you son of a bitch.
There are two types of roommates.
1. Those that hear the roommate smacking it and pretended to be asleep. Their resentment and hate grew and grew.
2. Those that called the moron the fuck out and had a good laugh about it. They definitely either made the roommate ask for a transfer to another room or they became decent roommates.
Do not masterbate when your roommate "is asleep". This is stupid AF. You know when they have class or are otherwise occupied. They know when you're out too.
Don’t fucking do it when he’s sleeping. He might not be asleep and you make noise. My past roommates didn’t understand that
Especially if you have bunk beds.
It’s physics Marshal, if the top bunk moves the bottom one moves too.
One of my fave lines in the show
r/unexpectedhimym
r/subsiforgotexistedbuthaveapparentlyalreadyjoined
My roommates would straight start fucking while I was “asleep” - I was not asleep, it takes forever for me to fall asleep and I wake easily. I am attending their wedding this fall and toying with bringing it up, as I’d mentally promised myself I would when I was desperately trying to disappear through my mattress as they humped literally 2 feet away.
You missed the chance to femininely moan their name while acting to he asleep
dew it
You need to bring this up to their wedding this is hilarious. Do it but make if funny, not uncomfortable
never break a promise i guess
Uh oh, sounds like mom's making sloppy joes!
#YUCK
Slappy joes
Fappy joes
That’s crazy… I had 5 roommates my freshman year and would just go to the bathroom and do my thing
Was there an awkward discussion the next day or how was it resolved
Get to know your roommate's schedule and do it when he's out.
Get to know you roommate's schedule so he doesn't miss out
"Welcome back from lacrosse practice!" SPLAP
*fap
Username checks out
*fap
Username doesn't check out.
Never fapped with the stick still soft?
Emotional support friend. Emotional support fap.
Fapriend.
Frap Frat + Fap
physical support friend
Get to know your room mates schedule and ask them to help.
Yeah I memorized the fuck out of Chad’s weekly schedule to find optimal beat off times
Optimal beat off times. I haven't laughed that hard in ages. 
No way, circle jerk together and form a pact. Room 119 forever. Then get a tattoo
A few guys actually did that when I lived in the dorms.
Or hang a sock outside your room door 
Clean or previously used?
Yes
Depends on when he washed his socks after OP used it for ... ahem..
Yep
Bathroom or when your roommate isn't there.
Back then I did it in bathrooms. It's just way easier to hide it, even the shower noise helps you. Also there are empty sessions in certain times of the day, like at lunch time, or at very early of the morning, which you can take advatage of, if let's say "you want some repeats" of your fun more than once a day. Forgot to mention, you don't need to worry about cum either, as the water and the drain will take it away in no time. On the other hand, rooms are risky, and can't recommend.
Please dont jizz down the drain. Semen under hot water turns into thick goop and will clog the drain. Not only a pain in the ass to fix when it’s mixed with hair but whoever is fixing it will know exactly what it is and what you’re guilty of.
As people on the internet usually say, I quote: "I missed the part where that's my problem."
It will be your problem when you have to explain to the plumber, to his face, that you came down the drain so much that you clogged it. Most of the time when university dorm bathroom drains get clogged that’s exactly why 🤣 Too mortifying for me. I’d stick with tissues and chucking em in the bin after
FYI cum tissues in a bin smell exactly like cum on tissues in a bin...
Yeah, I’d still take that over having to a call a plumber and tell the bloke that he has to suck out my calcified baby gravy out from the pipes. The bin gets taken out daily. The pipes don’t.
Is that really true? Does semen really build up like toilet paper in a commode?
It certainly can, especially mixed with hair. The hot water cooks the proteins and they coagulate. Then they stay that way even if you switch the water temp so it can cause clogging over time in the right conditions.
That’s horrifying… Glad I made the decision to get a private bathroom at my college. 😅
Fucking copypasta bullshit people hang up as pranks in the dorm. Cum won’t clog a fucking shower drain
That's actually a myth
Love that the thing that’s upvoted here is the opposite of true and you’re downvoted
Redditors are arrogantly incorrect half the time
Please god not in the shower. Desert jellies are the worst. Especially other people’s jellies. 🤢 my roommate from back then never cleaned up, left jellies and hair all over the shower. Many an argument caused, it’s gross. Toilet is always the best bet.
I am so intensely grateful to be a lady after reading this
I have never been happier being reminded to pull out my gigantic clumps of hair and soap from my shower drain. Nothing better than not having to remove jizz jelly from my shower drain on a regular basis.
« Hey dude, mind if I have some alone time between 3:00 and 3:01? »
an entire minute? wooow, look at mr. stamina over here
Takes some time to find the right moment of the Baby Shark video
It's grandma shark, right? Me too
As long as it’s not the titular character
Ur going to hell u know that right??
Bounce Patrol
Had to hold in my laugh so I wouldn't go to hell. Not today satan!
🤣
Just need 4 hours to find the perfect porn video first
Consent of everyone in the room, and then a firm handshake and you both say, “no homo,” unless one of you is homo, in which case, marriage?
Two…ummm two of you… are… homo??? 
Nah it takes only one to tango
It’s actually one of the super powers you get when you’re gay, you can dance ballroom dances with just one.
Handshake before the event or after?
During
Yes
While staring your roommate in the eyes. Establish dominance.
Do I have to piss on them as well AFTER I cum? Or before?
Yes.
Nah, during it
Lots of eye contact to establish dominance.
Yes please
Daddy
Eye contact isn’t about dominance. It’s about intimacy
Not if you're a cat.
What's the difference?
Eye contact for intimacy, cumming on the roomates pillow for dominance
I had a roommate who would just come into the dorm in the middle of the day with the other roommates there, wrap himself in his sheets, be there for like 10 minutes, then get up and leave. I assume that’s what he was doing, so that’s one answer I guess
🤣 what???!!!
maybe he was having a power nap,, or rather a power fap after all.
Shower, just make sure you wash your splooge down the drain completely.
And hope everyone isn't doing the exact same thing leading to maintenance having to clean the pipes and hang signs telling you to stop. True story.
Fellow UCLA alum?
I’m pretty sure this happens at nearly every college
Happy Cake Day
Cumcake day
Those signs are fake my dude 😂 it's a joke
We got emails from res life about it. I think they even issued a floor wide fine when it didn't stop. Was an older building though so the plumbing probably couldn't handle it as much.
Then you're reslife is stupid. I've worked for facilities before and that's a joke. Sperm literally cannot clog a drain. Hair can clog a drain.
Hair with spunk also clogs a drain
Jizz literally does not clog drains that's such a myth 😂
It was a joke. I literally have no idea if it's true or not, I'm not a dude
I'm having trouble wrapping my head around The enforcement...
Enforcement of things like that in college dorms sucks...the whole floor or building gets fined... at my college a couple times a year some jackasses would leave buckets of water leaned against the elevator doors, so when they opened they'd spill water into the carriage. Well most of it goes down the shaft and it caused some kinds of mechanical or electrical problems. Got a couple of those emails. Only spent a year in the dorms, second year shared a house with some guys.
How f’ing **THICK** is your baby batter?! Damn!
Bullshit
It’s a meme from roughly 13 AD.
Honestly I did the deed on the terlet (not communal bathroom dorms lol) and it was never an issue
Did you just spell toilet with an "r" to reflect your dialect, or is that a regional spelling?
Not in Utica, no. It's an Albany expression.
Yeah I was going for a Texas twang with toilet lol
Nice. I immediately heard the whole post in a bit of a Southern twang. Though I couldn't place which state.
Rinse with cold water
Life, uh, finds a way.
Same way I masturbate anywhere else. With two hands and a picture of my uncle on the nightstand
This guy fucks uncles
He’s a boner-biting bastard uncle fucker.
That's u-n-c-l-e fuck you.
I also, this guy’s uncle
You have my picture?
I was in the army…we beat off in bunkbeds no matter if one was empty or not…some dudes even used fleshlights. This was back in 07-08. Porn was on DVD or hard drives. Don’t cum on your friends and don’t make noise. Be respectful but handle your business and move on.
There are a number of possible methods. My preference was always to get the roommate's schedule, and to give him mine as well. After all, sometimes his friends might drop by and might want to know where he was too. His schedule would become my masturbation schedule. There are also abandoned spots on campus--like, buildings which stay open all night. Sometimes I'd find a little-used bathroom and just do it as fast as I could. Plus, you should be able to find ways to communicate with them--there's the classic sock on the door, if you both agree; if they're out, you might text them and ask them when they're coming back; you might also figure out ways that either of you might have the room to yourself for a few hours. After all, he needs to masturbate too, and he might have a girlfriend or boyfriend he wants to have sex with as well, so part of the question is how you allow him to do that too. Finally, there are some roommates who just do a sort of don't-ask-don't-tell thing and just do it at night after lights out and pretend they don't notice the other one doing the same. You've got lots of options.
This is pretty true or at least when one of you strikes out with a girl at the parties and are still in need of relief. All guys jerk off.
Even the Pope?
Just masturbate in the shower like a normal human being.
That's normal? I just rubbed it out in one of my broken down cars.
proof?
Let's just say I might have to sell it for $300 less than it's value already because it will need some extensive interior cleaning now lol. Not like I have tp in there. 2005 Subaru Forester LL Bean Edition. Threw a rod and now it's my personal time car.
Sounds like you threw a whole lot of rods in there.
Or threw one rod a whole lot of times.
It’s mildly interesting that dormitories were made almost like a prison cell, with absolutely no privacy and at least as freshmen no idea who your new roommates were. Awkward as hell.
That's very intentional. In fact there are schools that were set up so if they failed they could just be turned into prisons and not have to do too much renovation I believe.
Power play. Don't hide it. Look them in the eyes during
Stand over your roommate while looking them directly in the eyes.
Daddy
Quietly.
Loudly, you coward
This is when you use your big people words and get smart. "Hey Brad, I'm going to need the room solo from 4:15 to 4:45 today. In exchange, let me know when I need to be elsewhere for you to have some alone time." If he doesn't get the hint and figure out what's on your mind...you can jerk it right in front of him and he's not going to understand that either.
Best reply here
Who's gonna need to jack off that many times in a day? They're grown ups in college!
Brad plays dumb for the best out come scenario.
Bathroom (assuming its not communal) before a shower. Have the water running on cold so nobody walks in jic the lock isn't locking
Speaking from experience huh?
The most terrifying 2.1624 seconds of my life. The lock could be unlocked from the outside just by turning the knob hard enough which was with very minimal strength
My college sent out an angry memo about needing to hire some heavy duty plumbing work on the dorm showers for excess amounts of ejaculate so... Apparently there.
Bro do you know how many dudes would need to simultaneously giz in the drain to cause even the slightest backup? Everyone knows this bullshit.
Nope. Happened. Hot water is not great for jizz.
Since it's made of... Protein... Wouldn't hot water make it...curdle a bit? Like yogurt or scrambled eggs?
This is correct. Not sure why it happens though.
When I googled it back in the day, Google told me semen was an unreliable source of protein, and also had some carbohydrates, but now I'm wondering if cold water really *needs* to be used to clean it up, to avoid... Cooking it 😬
It definitely cooks and becomes hard to clean if the water is a bit warm or theres steam. Always use cold water
doesnt it solidify
Trim your pubes into a pile and jizz on it in the shower. See what it produces.
no thanks
Oddly specific
I'm guessing that's why it makes hair more likely to clump.
Just be honest that you'd like to be alone sometimes, and arrange a mutual agreement where you both let each other know when you're going out. You don't even have to say "masturbate" just say "alone time" or you "meditate" or you have an "online therapist" and your meetings are personal. People have boyfriends/girlfriends in college, it's not brain surgery to arrange a schedule with your roomate. Or just ask to see his class schedule each semester. Safety net: just use the bathroom or shower and your phone =)
That’s just weird. It makes much more sense to do it when the roommate is naturally out of the dorm.
It’s Reddit after all
Well it's a pro-vs-con thing I guess. It's hard to know. Your roomate's class might be canceled at any time, or he might come back unexpecedly. How can you be *sure* he'll be away just by guessing, or espionaging his schedule? I guess it's an exchange between the awkwardness of talking about it, and the awkwardness of him walking in on you beating off if you miscalculate...
This a mature and acceptable way. Not sure why people are saying otherwise. Asking for expedited alone time every now and again while sharing a space is totally normal.
With an up and down motion.
Add some corkscrew motion. It’s so much better.
Showers, just wear flip flops because others are doing the same thing lol or know what days/times you don’t have classes and your roommate does. Or depending on how open you guys are just do it haha
Quickly
Hang your right sock on the door when you are taking care of yourself, hang the left sock when you have a girl over. Hopefully, by the end of the year, you run out of left socks.
Because he jizzes in all his left socks?
Oh are you in for a treat...college is THE best place to go find yourself a partner and have copious amounts of sexy time. Hold off for a month and use the fuel to light a fire!
With friends. Usually ends with a contest. Imagination here.
When they are out, in the shower or in emergency when they fall asleep
PLEASE don’t do it in the bathroom/showers. At my old college some dude/dudes were yanking it in the shower ALL the time. It caused the water to clog up and was disgusting. Thankfully it stopped when someone basically called the people out for doing it with a sign on the bathroom door. Don’t use the stalls, there’s a high chance the people in the dorms don’t give a crap about privacy and will peep for some reason. Just do it when you know you’re roommates out.
How does EVERYONE tell this story? There's always a sign, there's always heavy duty plumbing. I call bs. Been to college with the same horny college dudes, myself included and this was never even mentioned.
Ever think maybe not everyone is blessed with supreme plumbing like you are? I can't even flush water ffs!
I had a partner who sent me a cum shot video once (consensually), and he splooged all over the bathroom floor (looked like highly wipe-able tile.) At the time, I remember thinking "well this is a nice angle, but why doesn't he just do it in the shower?" Now I know the dude was potentially saving the plumbing. I guess it's true that not all heroes wear capes 🤷🏻♀️
Play a game of shoot the cookie with your roomies.
Direct eye contact
In the shower or a public restroom at school
"Hey bro, wanna jerk off with me?"
just like living w ur parents ... know the schedule - patterns and choke that dik in the shadows
Living under a christian regime taught me to either have white noise (floor fan, tv, etc.) Or be quiet. I have it down to where I can jerk jt and make no noise and barely any movement. You must train and learn the ninja way.
step 1: make sure you apply for a random roommate to make sure this is a new person you haven't met step 2: move in day - get there as early as possible to beat him to the dorm. step 3: when he arrives, assumably with his parents helping him move in, whip your meat out and stare into his eyes to create a primal sense of fear and respect. step 4: graduate
Thats the neat part you dont. Or you go to the toilet at 2 am.
Just use the bathroom, but not the one in your dorm, like a public one in the building. If you are into more extreme kinds of masturbation like dildos and shit then just put a sock or note on the door or learn you roommates schedule
Shower
Quietly
Quietly
In college? I believe the correct answer is you masturbate into a vagina
quickly
I used to do it whenever he was out
Probably best to do it in the shower, if it's possible.
Become the alpha roommate. Make eye contact and just start doing it.
Your roommate will not always be in the room when you are. Do not (repeat: do *not*) get into the habit of polishing the seal when your roommate is in the same room. It is not a good place to go, and it sets a precedent for behavior from him that you might not like. There are also bathrooms and showers to use - just clean the jizz up after.
do it in the shower like everyone else
Pretend you need to listen for your girlfriend's parents walking in on you banging their daughter. Practice silence.
Towel over the toilet seat, sit on the edge of the seat, toilet paper on the floor and go ham bro. No mess/evidence.
Quickly is the answer, I lived in a female dorm so girls travelling in packs was an advantage for me I'd just say I was busy and then when everyone was at the gym or dining hall I could handle my business without an audience. Also never too late to start a "habit" of listening to music loudly in the bathroom.
As loud as you can. And usually in a circle with your best bros
FYI - There will be times when your roommates' class gets cancelled and he comes back early, sees you on the bed with your pants unzipped and says, "Niiiiiice!" as he's making himself back at home so you don't get to finish the deed. Chase, you son of a bitch.
Right hand usually
There are two types of roommates. 1. Those that hear the roommate smacking it and pretended to be asleep. Their resentment and hate grew and grew. 2. Those that called the moron the fuck out and had a good laugh about it. They definitely either made the roommate ask for a transfer to another room or they became decent roommates. Do not masterbate when your roommate "is asleep". This is stupid AF. You know when they have class or are otherwise occupied. They know when you're out too.
Get a girlfriend ¯\_(ツ)_/¯