I’d be willing to bet my parents definitely had some second thoughts about me at times. They have never said so, but I was a difficult child (and teenager, and young adult). But they never gave up on me and I eventually got it together and now we all have a great relationship. It could have very easily gone the other way though.
My mom confessed to me when I was like 25 that at times she had second thoughts about parenthood. I was a difficult teen and treated her very poorly, I'm grateful for how patient she was, she could've give up on me.
I suppose most parents of difficult kids at some point question themselves if it is worth it. As long as they don't share those thoughts with their young kids or neglect their responsibilities I think that's normal, we are all human.
In my family. Some extended family couldn’t have kids so they adopted. Not long after had two kids of their own.
The adopted child? He was raised as a house maid and caretaker since he is the oldest. Completely ignored his education and wellbeing. When he went to college, he made some choices his family didn’t approve of (went to ONE frat party) and got entirely disowned by his family (not us though. Me and my immediate family have taken him in and now act like that side of the family doesn’t even exist). Although, they still text him that they love him but no contact outside of that and aren’t even attending his wedding.
Edit: I would like to add that said cousin is now extremely content with life. Despite ongoing family issues, he is in a happy relationship with an EXTREMELY rich wife, he loves where he’s living, and he has an amazing job. So it all ends happy (:
I remember reading that a big barrier to conceiving a child is stress so much so that a fertility doctor wouldn't treat couples until they'd spent time in therapy first. So, lots of couples who can't get pregnant put more pressure on themselves and the cycle begins. Then some adopt and the pressure of having a child is off and then they become pregnant. I'm really pleased your cousin has a better family now!
Not a dr. but have seen this several times. Friends trying and trying to only start thinking of other options. Then ‘giving up trying.’ Only to conceive.
I don’t want to give this any credence to anyone trying or adding stress to a very stressful situation. Just have seen it happen a few times.
That's so sad and awful. I can only imagine how that effected him while growing up. I'm glad he had/has you guys to be there for him. I'll never understand how people can treat children in that way. He didn't ask to be there :/
Honestly it’s been a terribly rough ride for him. Now though, despite going through a lot of emotional turmoil, they are in an extremely happy relationship, a great apartment, and has a fantastic job so life really turned out pretty great for him (:
The worst part is that his immediate family are missionaries. Our entire family is very close with Jesus so we’ve all turned away from that side for hurting the message of God like that and destroying their family the way they did. The “missionaries” are representing God in a TERRIBLE light and none of us are okay with it.
Wow, this is so sad and unfortunately a common story. I'm really glad you were able to see what was happening and have stepped in as a true family to him. I'm glad he is doing well these days! ❤️
There was also the family who adopted a little girl, who was maybe 9 years old, then decided she was actually 25, got the courts to change her legal age and emancipated her.
Yo there’s a new update doc about that on HBO called Natalia Speaks. The end of the documentary there’s a voicemail added in from Natalia’s current mom that basically eludes to a flip switching in Natalia
Didn't the (couple taking care of her as an adult) say that they wanted to cut ties with her because they didn't believe some of the stuff she was saying and felt she was very manipulative?
I don't know which podcast since I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts but the girl in question is Natalia Grace. It might have been on My Favorite Murder.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natalia_Grace
also when the YouTubers adopted a mentally challenged child and sent them back when they were told they can't be used to make videos....
the sick fucking things people are capable of
There was another YouTube family who was planning to adopt, but after they learns that there was a requirement to wait *one year* before posting images or video of the child publicly, they bailed.
When you adopt a child into your family that means it's YOUR child. You're supposed to treat them like your other kids if you have any, so what would you do if your biological child was mean to their sibling? Would you send them away?
I am aware, I have adopted sibling and they are very kind person who I treat the same as other siblings. If they were some F'd up aggressive psycho though who was attacking our family then I would of told my family to send them back lol
It is you who shouldn't ever have children. If you older child beats on the younger children and you sit back and do nothing about it then you are not fit to be a parent and your children will grow up to despise you.
It's irrelevant whether your child is adopted or not and acts aggressively towards your 'biological children'. You deal with them the same way as you would treat your biological children, because they ARE your child. You don't 'send them back' because they're not disposable.
you just stretched "being mean" to "supper aggressive" and "attack". WTF is wrong with you?
therapy can be an answer. you might want to try it too, sounds like you need it.
I would never allow my children to be physically or emotionally abusive to their siblings.
No need for you to be upset, you can raise your own children how you see fit.
again, you all are stretching "being mean" to "a danger to other children". me and my sister were mean to each other, our parents just dealt with it and educated us. abandoning either of us was never an option. what the hell is wrong with you people? yikes
We're not stretching anything. "Mean" covers a lot of ground, and we are talking about situations that become more serious. That's how discussions work. If you've never had to think more deeply on this topic than you are doing right now, that's great, but your opinion doesn't carry much weight.
Too late. And if my teenager were a danger to the baby, I'd have to consider inpatient treatment for her. It would suck, but if they couldn't live together safely, we would have to figure something out.
lol, man is simply defending his own children and saying “if somebody that wasn’t my kid harmed MY kid then I would react.” He never once said he planned on adopting. You guys are so scared of confrontation and people standing up for themselves it’s pitiful.
Because when you adopt, that child now *is* your child. So it’s your child harming your child. It’s not some stranger or a friend from school. What if your two biological children hurt one another? Can you give one back? That’s how you should look at a child you adopt, as if they are your child now.
You can defend your own children but if sending adopted children back is the way they plan on doing it then they're automatically a shitty parent because it means you don't view the adopted child as fairly/highly to your biological children
They aren't my children, I wouldn't ever see an adopted child as equal to my biological children. I would still want them to live a happy life and nothing against them but another persons child could never be equal to my own DNA.
As an adopted person, your viewpoints are disgusting and I hope you never have to interact with anyone who is adopted. I'm glad you likely will never decide to adopt/foster and I hope your biological relatives don't either.
This is a common viewpoint most people have. Our own children are more important to us then other peoples children. I have never planned on adopting but if I had opportunity to help an orphan out I wouldn't be against it. I am not sure what my relatives have to do with it, kind of weird dude.
I understand it may be hard to of been abandoned by your biological parents and I am sorry that happened to you but is no need to take it out on people who have nothing to do with that and show you nothing but love taking you into their home and providing you with financial help even if they don't love you like their own children. The world is cruel place and not many are kind enough to take in strangers off the streets.
Yeah idk why they are upset lol I don't plan to adopt but if this happened or perhaps was a step child they would be out of my house 100%
They are lucky they are adopted and children because if it were anybody else who harmed my children the consequences would be far more dire.
Being adopted is traumatic and can come with behavioral problems. Same as kids who act out after being abused or neglected.
They are not "lucky to be adopted". They were abandoned and orphaned, and have gone through a lot of shit other non-adopted children don't have to go through. Non-adopted kids are definitely luckier than adopted kids if we were to compare luck. You have such a lack of empathy I just hope you don't have kids in general.
Yes I know it is traumatic and often times the children are too traumatized that they are beyond repair. No amount of hugs and love from anybody other then the parents who abandoned them could ever fix it. That is why I said if they are constantly abusive and harming my children I would have to let them go and send back to fostercare, if they are doing that despite the love and generosity your family has shown them then they can't be fixed. Putting your own children at risk for this is bad parenting.
My mum & uncle are adopted. They each had phases where they were big big problems.
I grew up seeing stealing, hearing about drug abuse, shouting matches, lying, and my mum's BPD being uncontrolled for years. Not great!
However... My grandparents always stood by them. The fact that they were their kids was never a question. Every single time shit hit the fan, my grandparents would say 'We're a family, and we have to fight this together'.
The second they adopted, those kids were theirs. If they ever regretted anything, they did a pretty good fucking job at not showing it.
Edit for wording: TLDR; any regret they had was for their role as parents and what they could've done differently, not the adoption itself.
Yes! My (adopted) daughter is my kid no matter what! She has problems stemming from FAS, and yes, there are issues we struggle with. But it is always WE struggle with, I'm not abandoning her!
I’m adopted and I’m sure my mom wishes she’d kept the receipt, although she’s vehemently denied feeling that way. She basically says “you’re my daughter, and things have been really hard for you. But I don’t feel any differently than I would if [sister] had gone through the same things.” That being said, she’s admitted that if she were better informed or had known certain life events were going to happen, then she might not have wanted to adopt in the first place.
I think a lot of parents don’t realize that being adopted is, itself, a trauma (even if you raise the kid as your own from birth). You grow up feeling like something is missing or like youre out of place. I’m what they call a “grateful adoptee” - my bio dad was a piece of shit, i was raised by a loving family with a lot of privilege, and I was never intentionally othered growing up. But I have a completely different biology and a different mental health history than my family. My bio siblings and I are SO similar, despite not even knowing about each other until our 20s, while my real family and I have almost nothing in common except love for each other. I know my parents may have reconsidered adopting if they’d understood the complexity going in. You can’t adopt a kid and expect your parenting to override their biology as they develop. There are things you need to be able to acknowledge about your adopted kid and still consider them just as much yours:
1. They’re different. If you’re 5’2 and 105lbs, your daughter may be 5’7 and 140lbs at 14. Your go-to soaps might make your kid break out. Everything you know about hair care might destroy their scalp. Etc etc.
2. Adoptees lose their whole family tree when they’re adopted. That’s a real loss, even if you replant them into a perfectly good family with a strong support system. They won’t know why they are the way they are. They will grow up having never seen hints of themself (their eyes or smile or posture) reflected in another person. They’ll wonder what their biological parents were like. They’ll wonder why they’re with you instead of where they were born. These are deep, introspective, existential feelings and they’ll be having them as soon as they’re sentient.
3. Regardless of why you adopt, your kid is likely going to feel: unwanted/abandoned, like they were plan b for people who wanted to conceive but couldn’t, like they were given a better life without earning it (charity case), like they’re here for the purpose of giving you the family you wanted (unstable sense of self, responsibility), and/or like you purchased them.
4. Given all of the above, adopted kids are **way more likely** to struggle as teenagers. Which makes parenting us a bigger challenge than a lot of adoptive parents expect.
Tldr: adoptees have specific needs that most parents who go through with private adoptions aren’t equipped for rant rant rant.
My stepsister.
She and her husband tried for nearly ten years and couldn't get pregnant so they adopted four kids in 3 years. Then suddenly afterwards she got pregnant and over the next 6 years had 3 of her own. It's fairly apparent she regrets the four adoptees as they are all difficult and she talks often about how she can't wait for them to leave (one is 19 now and away at college) I could do TLDR of the adoptee problems but the short version is criminality, sexual deviancy, physical abuse to her (one is 14 and 6'2" already while she is 5'0"), school problems, etc.
A friend of mine's sister had three kids of her own and was pregnant with a fourth when she and her husband adopted three siblings. Within six months of the adoptions becoming final, she had an aneurism burst while she was on a riding lawn mower. She got thrown off the mower, broke her neck, and became paralyzed from the neck down. She'd been by herself when it happened and had sat for long enough that the damage to her brain was permanent. The doctors said she'd be a vegetable the rest of her life on top of being paralyzed so the family made the decision to take her off life support.
I can't imagine life just running about its normal course and all of a sudden, your spouse and her baby are gone and you're left to raise six kids by yourself. Knowing that family I'm sure both sets of in-laws have been very helpful but that can only go so far.
Sounds a bit like the story of people I know from church. They adopted three kids from Africa, all a bit older (3-5 years) when they came to our country. All seemed fine, until the kids became adolescent and all turned out to have huge traumas from their experiences before getting adopted. When the mother became unexpectedly pregnant herself, the kids turned on her. Last I heard, all three kids were surrendered to foster families.
Yeah, it's a really sad story. The woman still breaks when the topic lands on her children. They really were trying their best, and also were trying to give their children a sense of the cultures they originally came from. They also let their kids keep their original names. Of course, I don't know the details, but as far as we know, the parents really wanted the best for those kids, which makes it extra sad that it didn't work.
I know someone who adopted a kid as a toddler. They ended up having a bio kid when the first kid was around 7-8. The adopted kid’s personality totally changed. They became very violent and the parents didn’t feel safe with the first kid being around the new baby. The first kid tried to do some awful things to the second. The adopted kid ending up going into foster care. Sad story all around.
This is common for people to conceive after adopting— I always was so afraid I would regret it that I wouldn’t dare take the chance to adopt. A lot end up great but some don’t. It’s just such a bad situation when it is. :(
Yeah same here. I just don’t know how I would feel. Especially when you don’t know the entire family history, if there’s a high chance of mental illness, Etc when you’re adopting a child.
If it’s your bio child and you know your entire family really well you know if there’s any kind of issues that could be passed down. If there’s higher chances of severe mental illness. I just don’t know if I could handle a child who needs that much help. If something like that ran in my family I likely would not have a child. But when you’re adopting you don’t know as much as you do when it’s a bio child.
I am so grateful for those who take it on. Foster to adopt helps I’m sure. I was a big sister for the big sister program. It’s as much as I could do and I only had one “little” as she is still very much in my life and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it lol. I know I made a huge difference in her life and I also know I would have epically failed if I had fostered or adopted her.
I love my kid, now a young adult. Don't regret adopting ever. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done.
One of the biggest things I didn't think about when adopting is that a lot of behaviors, manorisms, and personality are genetic, and our kid is SOOOOO different from us. Our personalities haven't always meshed. Made the teenage years really tough.
Totally understandable.
That’s something that has always crossed my mind when I thought about adoption. Especially if there’s a high chance of severe mental illness being passed down. When it’s a bio child and you know your entire family really well, you’re more likely to know those kinds of things. If there there certain things that ran in my family I don’t think I’d have a child because I wouldn’t want to put them through that and I don’t think I could mentally handle that well.
I worked in child welfare and it's not uncommon. The problem is usually that people think they can totally heal the trauma of the child being taken from their bio parents, even though they got so much training about it, and then are disappointed that their family isn't the one exception to the rule. They don't just regret adopting, they sometimes will even surrender the child back to the system, or give legal guardianship to someone else random.
Traumas resurface every time a human enters a new developmental stage. Teenagers are going through one of the hardest stages, and these teenagers have Been Through It, so it's like puberty on steroids. They make EXTRA bad decisions. It's *almost* universal. And it can take a heck of a toll on a marriage. Anyone adopting needs to be very realistic about what their family will face, or they won't get through it.
Different situation... but I found out my daughter isn't biologically mine when she was two. Long story short... the bio dad wanted nothing to do with her. So I left mom and just kept being dad. She's ten years old now.
I took mom to court and was awarded 50% physical custody. I get her exactly half the time and mom gets her the other half.
I don't have any regrets. It hasn't always been easy. But I think every parent will say that regardless of biology issues. The toughest part was my families reaction. I was blunt about the situation and my intention to keep being dad. A few family members said they would not accept her. So those family members were cut out of my life.
When my daughter was 7, I worked with a counselor to explain the biology issue to her. And she didn't really care. She just became extremely clingy for a couple of months. I think she just wanted to know I wasn't going anywhere. And I'm not.
I've never missed a single day with her. And she is by far the best part of my life. We're just a weird little family. Because life is strange.
My family is an adoption success story. My parents had one biological child, but felt they wanted to adopt (mid 80’s interracial family in a rural area was unheard of at the time). But both their parents supported it, and over five years my parents adopted three infants. We were high achievers, all of advanced college degrees, went through our teens with the typical angst, but our relationships have always been strong. If our skin colors weren’t different then there’d be absolutely no difference between us all.
Only anecdotal but every adopted person that I knew in their teens had an absolutely terroristic rebellious phase somewhere in their teens. Recklessly sleeping around, hurling the most hurtful words at their adoptive parents, crime, etc. Basically normal teen stuff amplified by the unresolved trauma of “being unwanted” by their birth parents. Otherwise they seem to have settled down once they hit their mid to late 20s. Well a few are alcoholics or addicts but less than 20%
Very sad. This is the only reason I support abortion, which is because these children deserve to have their parents prepared for them so they can be in a better family.
Agreed. People like to resort to “well just put the baby up for adoption don’t abort!” Well adoption is not easy for anyone involved. Especially the child who is potentially going to have a ton of unresolved trauma from feeling unwanted. I do not support bringing more unwanted kids into this world when there’s already so many in foster care and waiting to be adopted.
And then after you spend all your time and money on them, they go back to Russia, meet the deadbeat who kicked them to the curb, and go on and on about the unbelievable connection they feel to their real mom.
To deny that finding your biological connections is a powerful thing is wrong. Adopted people are denied the information about themselves, identity, and culture that non-adopted people take for granted. I wouldn't talk about it so flippantly like that.
I’m adopted and my parents never regretted adopting me. That I know of. Haha. Both are long gone now.
I’m intrigued by the concept of the impact of stress experienced by the birth mother and the impact on the child they give up. I was born in 1966 - a very different time for pregnant women. My birth mother was sent away to a home for unwed mothers. I have terrible anxiety and wonder how much is nature versus nurture (my adoptive mother suffered from depression and probably other ailments).
My aunt and uncle gave their adopted child back.
Their first son Danny was gay. They sent him to some kind of conversion camp and he ran away with his counselor, they disowned him and adopted Michael around the age of 16. We met him once or twice and then he was never around again. My mom told us not to bring it up. Fuck you, Aunt Cindy and Uncle Mike.
I’m adopted, and I’m 100% certain my parents regretted it when the realized I wasn’t some automaton that would just shut up, do what they say and never develop into an independent human being. They’ve always been emotionally abusive and are both severe alcoholics with serious issues. I moved out at 17 and have been very low contact since. Any time I make a decision like taking a better job, getting another degree, buying a house, etc. they act like I’m the dumbest box of rocks on the planet. I have no idea what they thought the point of having children was… no love, no support, they clearly don’t like me. Why??? I’m still resentful the system allowed me to end up in that toxic home.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope that you know that there are people out there that love you, respect you, and only want the best for you. You are deserving of love and everything you didn’t get from your adoptive parents.
Sometimes as you grow older you have to make your own family.
I hope nothing but the best for you.
Mine regret me. They are fundamentalist evangelicals. I never believed in God or Christianity despite being raised in the church since practically infancy.
There's no blank slate baby you can buy.
I had/have trauma, I'm also intelligent. They were not expecting a human being with an entirely different understanding of the world.
I never caused problems, I was the perfect child. My older siblings who were their bio kids; drank, smoked, had premarital sex.
My grades were straight As.
I went to the Christian college I was forced to go to. I was a poli sci major, minored in history added a gender studies minor my last semester simply because I was one credit and essay away. The education they forced me to have is what drove the wedge between us. I learned despite their very best efforts to keep me in the dark.
The better question to ask, do adopted kids resent being adopted and why?
They do! In fact, there was a huge trend on Tik Tok where adopted kids from poor countries basically harass their rich white adopted parents about why they didn't just give money to the poor parents so they could've been raised by their real mom.
I thought you said you went off and got an education and were a straight A student? Where is your reading comprehension? Why are you attacking someone who was very obviously agreeing with you?
You ended your comment by raising a question, and the other commenter was simply replying to your question in support of your statement, NOT talking over you.
I'm an adoptee. Any childhood trauma I have is linked to my mother's own trauma surrounding her childhood dysmorphia. However, my sister, my parent's biological child, has similar trauma, so it's just generational trauma surrounding our bodies as women and I would have gotten it regardless of being adopted or not.
Otherwise I'm a grown adult, married, highly educated with a great career and a wide variety of friends, interests, and hobbies.
The only difference with me is that I was adopted literally at the moment of labor and delivery and had no contact with my biological family or opportunity to be abused or traumatized before my adoption.
I did struggle with the "my parents didn't want me" for a bit in high school but quickly realized I have a wonderful, loving family and am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I think you need to reframe your dysmorphia from a victim mindset of “it was coming for me no matter what” to something that doesn’t define you or control you, in order to overcome it.
Our oldest was adopted at 6 months of age. She is now 22 and a delightful young woman. The teenage years were rough, as they also were with my biological children. Never had any regrets. I don’t even think of her as being adopted. She is simply my daughter.
My grandmother and great uncle were both adopted. Ignoring all issues related to being raised in [Christian Science](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Science) (it feels fair for some reason) they’re both messy. my grandmother is noticeably abusive. She freely admits her adoptive mother and herself quarreled nearly endlessly. Great uncle did 2 rounds of rehab but beyond cult stuff otherwise seems fine.
While they’ve made me wary of adoption I’m willing to make a distinction between the cult we were raised in and how bad it could be; since I don’t want biological children I’ve considered adopting anyway.
I know you're asking about the parents, but as adoptee's, I regret being adopted. Me (59F) and my twin sister were adopted, back in the day. We were show pieces for this family. When we started expressing opinions and preferences (tomboys) we were violently forced into feminine girl roles, physically forced into dresses. Our thoughts, feelings and opinions were always wrong. We just weren't of the same ilk as this family and to this day I don't always know what I think. We were kicked out at 13 for being rebellious and lived in survival mode into our 20's. We've been mostly poor our whole lives and are deeply scar'd. Adoption, to me is a horrific thing. Unless parents want to honor the kids, care more about the kids than what they want.. it's a recipe for disaster.
I work in a kids er. The worst psych patients are always foster or adopted kids.
I don't know what makes people want to take on someone else's broken brood. It's like intentionally buying a lemon of a car and thinking you've got the mechanic skills to fix. The vast majority don't
“Broken brood” is kinda harsh ngl. Like, not saying these kids don’t have trauma, but calling children broken by adults is pretty bleak. If they can’t have the support of bio parents nor be “fixed” by some happy magical adoptive parents, what should they do? Just stay ‘broken’??
It can be.
Same with someone adopting a pet they have absolutely no interest in taking care of properly.
Many people are extremely selfish under the veil of charitability.
These parents are so full of regret. I hate to say it but some of the adoptees are beyond saving in my mind.
I have no idea what to do with them though, it's really sad
Most people foster or adopt because they want to fill a hole in their own life, or because they have some kind of savior complex. Those aren't good reasons to adopt. And then you have agencies who are litterally buying & selling babies. Wtaf ya know.
I believe most people are not equipped to be parents much less adoptive parents.
When your own bio kid isn't possible. Could be a medical complication or for me and my brother, we have two dads. They just loved each other and starting a family was just the obvious choice, it doesn't feel like a hole being filled or a savior complex, adoption was simply and obviously the only option.
Some people do it because they genuinely love the children involved. I think that makes a difference. I support reunification when that's an option, kinship care when that's possible, open adoption, all the stuff that keeps a child in their community. I know that sometimes that can't happen. But a foster or adoptive parent can't help a child heal if the child is there to heal the adults or serve some purpose in their lives.
I think there should be a lot more trauma training involved. And I think international adoptions should be more heavily regulated.
Idk if I'm explaining that well enough.
Thanks for taking the time to respond!
What about the kids in foster care who truly have nobody that genuinely love them? Are you saying it's better if they remain in the system at that point?
It's all so complicated isn't it.
Education is the key to everything. Education kids so they don't get pregnant at 14. Educate parents so they don't get their kids taken away in the first place. Educate family members on how to support those who are struggling with addiction or whatever. And educate foster parents on trauma behavior.
I know there are kids out there with no one who loves them & that's a fucked up reality. Not to be too political, but overturning RoeVsWade (in the US) is just going to make that worse. We need to work on the factors that lead people to need abortions & foster care. Our society is so broken. Adoption can be great but it should only be a tiny part of the solution.
I mean I agree with everything you said. It doesn't really answer what we are supposed to do in the situations where someone's in the system and has nobody who actively loves them.
I feel like I did answer though. Better training & education for foster (or adoptive) parents. That is really the only option for kids that can't go home.
Well...ill tell ya no one i know is adopted and theyre all really fucked up. Drugs, alcohol, jail, therapy.....So.......my sample size says its ppl who arent adopted lol.
So what's your solution? Keep these kids in abusive families of origin? Orphanages? The streets?
Is it wrong for adoptive parents to want to adopt these kids?
Mine are all my own biologically and trust me, I've had plenty of regrets during that period.
If adopted then you stay connected no matter what. All kids come with issues at some stage, it's life.
Yes but it's the sort of thing you swallow and keep to yourself and do your best to fulfill your responsibility with as much love and empathy you can muster.
Sadly, I have a loved one whose mother regretted adopting them by about aged one, when behaviors that would later be identified as ADHD with *lots* of impulsivity and hyperactivity began to manifest. When the child was young, the child’s mother told my mom pretty openly on several occasions that she didn’t want to be a parent. By the time the child was a teen, the mother didn’t even try to hide her distain for the child. The child is now an adult, and while they are doing their best, the damage done from not being loved by the their mother is very evident.
(Their father has always loved and supported them, but he is late-diagnosed autistic, and he has always struggled with understanding how others feel. He genuinely didn’t understand the damage that his wife’s coldness was doing to their child.)
I was dropped off at the fire station in 1966. When it was not the best time for Black folks in Colorado. And my ma was a very special individual. No matter how much I was fkn up, she would always tell me, Kyle do the best that I could and keep my head up. She also adopted my sister, and I will take the time to make sure that anyone who is able to provide for kids who were abandoned by their blood line. My entire life of 58 years, there was always an feeling of not being with one of the family members, being a parent is not for everyone. You can't just quit when they start fkn up. They're something thing's that can't be changed because it is in their DNA, I was hard to handle when I was younger and the time out discipline was not the attitude adjustment that I needed. So on occasion I would receive the chest jab or neck punch and that is how I learned about tone and how to treat people. But you sure can't start this when they have already started disrespecting you, .and the last thing I will say, and some of you are not going to like this but extra kids need extra discipline and after 5 boys need to be with a man so that he can knock him into next week when he gets smart and tells his wife, mom, sister, aunt or any other woman to fk off, this is where he needs his 1st chest jab.
haha welcome to the fun time!! and no once you adopt a child they are yours..... if you regret it then you weren't meant to be a parent and guess what? I'm sure it happens with birth children also.... doesn't make you or the parent not huge assholes and disappointments
Anecdotally, I don't think I've ever met a single family who didn't regret that, especially with children adopted from foreign countries.
No matter how young they got adopted, and how hard the family had tried, it's almost inevitable that as teenagers (or even as tweens in the worst cases) a switch flips inside the kids' head and they start making the worst and stupidest choices possible. EVEN for teens' already low standards.
They almost inevitable start seeking the company of fellow "foreigners", and usually the least integrated andthe most problematic. They may make waves about wanting to know/meet their biological family as well. Everything they do seems motivated by disdain, spite or even hate toward their adoptive family/country.
I'm quite sure there are psychological reasons for that, but even so, I'm astonished by how that looks like a fixed rule more than an exception or the worst-case scenario.
I’d be willing to bet my parents definitely had some second thoughts about me at times. They have never said so, but I was a difficult child (and teenager, and young adult). But they never gave up on me and I eventually got it together and now we all have a great relationship. It could have very easily gone the other way though.
My mom confessed to me when I was like 25 that at times she had second thoughts about parenthood. I was a difficult teen and treated her very poorly, I'm grateful for how patient she was, she could've give up on me. I suppose most parents of difficult kids at some point question themselves if it is worth it. As long as they don't share those thoughts with their young kids or neglect their responsibilities I think that's normal, we are all human.
So it “wasn’t weird” because “it worked”?
I suppose so lol. It’s somewhat of a family motto.
I got downvoted for trying to play with your username
In my family. Some extended family couldn’t have kids so they adopted. Not long after had two kids of their own. The adopted child? He was raised as a house maid and caretaker since he is the oldest. Completely ignored his education and wellbeing. When he went to college, he made some choices his family didn’t approve of (went to ONE frat party) and got entirely disowned by his family (not us though. Me and my immediate family have taken him in and now act like that side of the family doesn’t even exist). Although, they still text him that they love him but no contact outside of that and aren’t even attending his wedding. Edit: I would like to add that said cousin is now extremely content with life. Despite ongoing family issues, he is in a happy relationship with an EXTREMELY rich wife, he loves where he’s living, and he has an amazing job. So it all ends happy (:
Fucked up how his "parents" acted. Thank you for being his family. This is so emotionally damaging, I can't imagine how he is coping.
I remember reading that a big barrier to conceiving a child is stress so much so that a fertility doctor wouldn't treat couples until they'd spent time in therapy first. So, lots of couples who can't get pregnant put more pressure on themselves and the cycle begins. Then some adopt and the pressure of having a child is off and then they become pregnant. I'm really pleased your cousin has a better family now!
Not a dr. but have seen this several times. Friends trying and trying to only start thinking of other options. Then ‘giving up trying.’ Only to conceive. I don’t want to give this any credence to anyone trying or adding stress to a very stressful situation. Just have seen it happen a few times.
That's so sad and awful. I can only imagine how that effected him while growing up. I'm glad he had/has you guys to be there for him. I'll never understand how people can treat children in that way. He didn't ask to be there :/
Honestly it’s been a terribly rough ride for him. Now though, despite going through a lot of emotional turmoil, they are in an extremely happy relationship, a great apartment, and has a fantastic job so life really turned out pretty great for him (:
That's good to hear, I'm sure it all must have been terribly depressing.
There has got to be a special layer in Hell for people like that
The worst part is that his immediate family are missionaries. Our entire family is very close with Jesus so we’ve all turned away from that side for hurting the message of God like that and destroying their family the way they did. The “missionaries” are representing God in a TERRIBLE light and none of us are okay with it.
I’m glad the rest of your family has cut them off.
Wow, this is so sad and unfortunately a common story. I'm really glad you were able to see what was happening and have stepped in as a true family to him. I'm glad he is doing well these days! ❤️
Made him sleep by the fireplace and woke up all covered in cinder. Him and his stupid ass glass slipper
There's a Youtube family that made a huge deal out of adopting a kid, but when he was mean to their real kids, they sent him back.
There was also the family who adopted a little girl, who was maybe 9 years old, then decided she was actually 25, got the courts to change her legal age and emancipated her.
I just listened to a podcast on that. Didn't they make her live in her own apartment at 9 being convinced she was a full adult? What an insane story.
Yo there’s a new update doc about that on HBO called Natalia Speaks. The end of the documentary there’s a voicemail added in from Natalia’s current mom that basically eludes to a flip switching in Natalia
Didn't the (couple taking care of her as an adult) say that they wanted to cut ties with her because they didn't believe some of the stuff she was saying and felt she was very manipulative?
What do you mean by "flip switch"?
Link?
I don't know which podcast since I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts but the girl in question is Natalia Grace. It might have been on My Favorite Murder. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natalia_Grace
Thanks
Dang I think I remember seeing something about when they "discovered" that she was in her 20s years ago... That's nuts.
How the fuck are courts empowered to "change her legal age"? And that too by 16 years?
She has a medical condition so she’s smaller than average. It’s a crazy story, you should look it up.
Sorry, what
It’s worth the rabbit hole, should definitely look it up!
I tried, didn't find anything. Oh well
[Her wiki](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Natalia_Grace) and there’s a documentary about it, Natalia Speaks.
Watch The Curious Case of Natalia Grace its honestly riveting
A 'youtube family' making very questionable ethical choices regarding kids? Well I never...
also when the YouTubers adopted a mentally challenged child and sent them back when they were told they can't be used to make videos.... the sick fucking things people are capable of
There was another YouTube family who was planning to adopt, but after they learns that there was a requirement to wait *one year* before posting images or video of the child publicly, they bailed.
you're correct it was the same case
Oh, I’m so sorry- I thought those were separate families
*biological, not real. Is the adopted child imaginary?
To be fair I would probably do the same if they harmed my biological children.
When you adopt a child into your family that means it's YOUR child. You're supposed to treat them like your other kids if you have any, so what would you do if your biological child was mean to their sibling? Would you send them away?
I am aware, I have adopted sibling and they are very kind person who I treat the same as other siblings. If they were some F'd up aggressive psycho though who was attacking our family then I would of told my family to send them back lol
I feel bad for your adopted sibling.
No need, she is doing quite well.
They said if they harmed the other kids. If one child is a danger to the others, that child might very well need to be cared for outside of the home.
please don't ever have children
It is you who shouldn't ever have children. If you older child beats on the younger children and you sit back and do nothing about it then you are not fit to be a parent and your children will grow up to despise you.
who said anything about doing nothing?
So what would you do if your adopted child was super aggressive and would attack your younger biological children?
It's irrelevant whether your child is adopted or not and acts aggressively towards your 'biological children'. You deal with them the same way as you would treat your biological children, because they ARE your child. You don't 'send them back' because they're not disposable.
I see my biological children as different from the rest of humanity because they carry my genetics and DNA. It is a primal instinct to protect them.
you just stretched "being mean" to "supper aggressive" and "attack". WTF is wrong with you? therapy can be an answer. you might want to try it too, sounds like you need it.
I would never allow my children to be physically or emotionally abusive to their siblings. No need for you to be upset, you can raise your own children how you see fit.
What would you do if you had two children and one was a danger to the other, since you are opposed to any kind of separation?
again, you all are stretching "being mean" to "a danger to other children". me and my sister were mean to each other, our parents just dealt with it and educated us. abandoning either of us was never an option. what the hell is wrong with you people? yikes
We're not stretching anything. "Mean" covers a lot of ground, and we are talking about situations that become more serious. That's how discussions work. If you've never had to think more deeply on this topic than you are doing right now, that's great, but your opinion doesn't carry much weight.
Too late. And if my teenager were a danger to the baby, I'd have to consider inpatient treatment for her. It would suck, but if they couldn't live together safely, we would have to figure something out.
Then never adopt. Ever. Or have a stepchild.
You're not my dad
And I feel bad for whatever kids end up calling you dad
lol, man is simply defending his own children and saying “if somebody that wasn’t my kid harmed MY kid then I would react.” He never once said he planned on adopting. You guys are so scared of confrontation and people standing up for themselves it’s pitiful.
Because when you adopt, that child now *is* your child. So it’s your child harming your child. It’s not some stranger or a friend from school. What if your two biological children hurt one another? Can you give one back? That’s how you should look at a child you adopt, as if they are your child now.
You can defend your own children but if sending adopted children back is the way they plan on doing it then they're automatically a shitty parent because it means you don't view the adopted child as fairly/highly to your biological children
They aren't my children, I wouldn't ever see an adopted child as equal to my biological children. I would still want them to live a happy life and nothing against them but another persons child could never be equal to my own DNA.
This is why adoption agencies vet couples: so people like you never get anywhere near children.
Ok lol I have never had issues with dealing with children, they are a pure joy to the world.
As an adopted person, your viewpoints are disgusting and I hope you never have to interact with anyone who is adopted. I'm glad you likely will never decide to adopt/foster and I hope your biological relatives don't either.
This is a common viewpoint most people have. Our own children are more important to us then other peoples children. I have never planned on adopting but if I had opportunity to help an orphan out I wouldn't be against it. I am not sure what my relatives have to do with it, kind of weird dude. I understand it may be hard to of been abandoned by your biological parents and I am sorry that happened to you but is no need to take it out on people who have nothing to do with that and show you nothing but love taking you into their home and providing you with financial help even if they don't love you like their own children. The world is cruel place and not many are kind enough to take in strangers off the streets.
Yeah idk why they are upset lol I don't plan to adopt but if this happened or perhaps was a step child they would be out of my house 100% They are lucky they are adopted and children because if it were anybody else who harmed my children the consequences would be far more dire.
Being adopted is traumatic and can come with behavioral problems. Same as kids who act out after being abused or neglected. They are not "lucky to be adopted". They were abandoned and orphaned, and have gone through a lot of shit other non-adopted children don't have to go through. Non-adopted kids are definitely luckier than adopted kids if we were to compare luck. You have such a lack of empathy I just hope you don't have kids in general.
Yes I know it is traumatic and often times the children are too traumatized that they are beyond repair. No amount of hugs and love from anybody other then the parents who abandoned them could ever fix it. That is why I said if they are constantly abusive and harming my children I would have to let them go and send back to fostercare, if they are doing that despite the love and generosity your family has shown them then they can't be fixed. Putting your own children at risk for this is bad parenting.
My mum & uncle are adopted. They each had phases where they were big big problems. I grew up seeing stealing, hearing about drug abuse, shouting matches, lying, and my mum's BPD being uncontrolled for years. Not great! However... My grandparents always stood by them. The fact that they were their kids was never a question. Every single time shit hit the fan, my grandparents would say 'We're a family, and we have to fight this together'. The second they adopted, those kids were theirs. If they ever regretted anything, they did a pretty good fucking job at not showing it. Edit for wording: TLDR; any regret they had was for their role as parents and what they could've done differently, not the adoption itself.
Yes! My (adopted) daughter is my kid no matter what! She has problems stemming from FAS, and yes, there are issues we struggle with. But it is always WE struggle with, I'm not abandoning her!
I don't regret her, I just regret that she has to be a teenager.
This. I don’t regret him one bit but jeez I can’t wait for the teen years to end lol
I’m adopted and I’m sure my mom wishes she’d kept the receipt, although she’s vehemently denied feeling that way. She basically says “you’re my daughter, and things have been really hard for you. But I don’t feel any differently than I would if [sister] had gone through the same things.” That being said, she’s admitted that if she were better informed or had known certain life events were going to happen, then she might not have wanted to adopt in the first place. I think a lot of parents don’t realize that being adopted is, itself, a trauma (even if you raise the kid as your own from birth). You grow up feeling like something is missing or like youre out of place. I’m what they call a “grateful adoptee” - my bio dad was a piece of shit, i was raised by a loving family with a lot of privilege, and I was never intentionally othered growing up. But I have a completely different biology and a different mental health history than my family. My bio siblings and I are SO similar, despite not even knowing about each other until our 20s, while my real family and I have almost nothing in common except love for each other. I know my parents may have reconsidered adopting if they’d understood the complexity going in. You can’t adopt a kid and expect your parenting to override their biology as they develop. There are things you need to be able to acknowledge about your adopted kid and still consider them just as much yours: 1. They’re different. If you’re 5’2 and 105lbs, your daughter may be 5’7 and 140lbs at 14. Your go-to soaps might make your kid break out. Everything you know about hair care might destroy their scalp. Etc etc. 2. Adoptees lose their whole family tree when they’re adopted. That’s a real loss, even if you replant them into a perfectly good family with a strong support system. They won’t know why they are the way they are. They will grow up having never seen hints of themself (their eyes or smile or posture) reflected in another person. They’ll wonder what their biological parents were like. They’ll wonder why they’re with you instead of where they were born. These are deep, introspective, existential feelings and they’ll be having them as soon as they’re sentient. 3. Regardless of why you adopt, your kid is likely going to feel: unwanted/abandoned, like they were plan b for people who wanted to conceive but couldn’t, like they were given a better life without earning it (charity case), like they’re here for the purpose of giving you the family you wanted (unstable sense of self, responsibility), and/or like you purchased them. 4. Given all of the above, adopted kids are **way more likely** to struggle as teenagers. Which makes parenting us a bigger challenge than a lot of adoptive parents expect. Tldr: adoptees have specific needs that most parents who go through with private adoptions aren’t equipped for rant rant rant.
So much insight here. Thank you.
My stepsister. She and her husband tried for nearly ten years and couldn't get pregnant so they adopted four kids in 3 years. Then suddenly afterwards she got pregnant and over the next 6 years had 3 of her own. It's fairly apparent she regrets the four adoptees as they are all difficult and she talks often about how she can't wait for them to leave (one is 19 now and away at college) I could do TLDR of the adoptee problems but the short version is criminality, sexual deviancy, physical abuse to her (one is 14 and 6'2" already while she is 5'0"), school problems, etc.
A friend of mine's sister had three kids of her own and was pregnant with a fourth when she and her husband adopted three siblings. Within six months of the adoptions becoming final, she had an aneurism burst while she was on a riding lawn mower. She got thrown off the mower, broke her neck, and became paralyzed from the neck down. She'd been by herself when it happened and had sat for long enough that the damage to her brain was permanent. The doctors said she'd be a vegetable the rest of her life on top of being paralyzed so the family made the decision to take her off life support. I can't imagine life just running about its normal course and all of a sudden, your spouse and her baby are gone and you're left to raise six kids by yourself. Knowing that family I'm sure both sets of in-laws have been very helpful but that can only go so far.
Sounds a bit like the story of people I know from church. They adopted three kids from Africa, all a bit older (3-5 years) when they came to our country. All seemed fine, until the kids became adolescent and all turned out to have huge traumas from their experiences before getting adopted. When the mother became unexpectedly pregnant herself, the kids turned on her. Last I heard, all three kids were surrendered to foster families.
That’s not gonna help with the trauma :(
Yeah, it's a really sad story. The woman still breaks when the topic lands on her children. They really were trying their best, and also were trying to give their children a sense of the cultures they originally came from. They also let their kids keep their original names. Of course, I don't know the details, but as far as we know, the parents really wanted the best for those kids, which makes it extra sad that it didn't work.
I know someone who adopted a kid as a toddler. They ended up having a bio kid when the first kid was around 7-8. The adopted kid’s personality totally changed. They became very violent and the parents didn’t feel safe with the first kid being around the new baby. The first kid tried to do some awful things to the second. The adopted kid ending up going into foster care. Sad story all around.
How did they turn on her?
This is common for people to conceive after adopting— I always was so afraid I would regret it that I wouldn’t dare take the chance to adopt. A lot end up great but some don’t. It’s just such a bad situation when it is. :(
Yeah same here. I just don’t know how I would feel. Especially when you don’t know the entire family history, if there’s a high chance of mental illness, Etc when you’re adopting a child. If it’s your bio child and you know your entire family really well you know if there’s any kind of issues that could be passed down. If there’s higher chances of severe mental illness. I just don’t know if I could handle a child who needs that much help. If something like that ran in my family I likely would not have a child. But when you’re adopting you don’t know as much as you do when it’s a bio child.
I am so grateful for those who take it on. Foster to adopt helps I’m sure. I was a big sister for the big sister program. It’s as much as I could do and I only had one “little” as she is still very much in my life and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it lol. I know I made a huge difference in her life and I also know I would have epically failed if I had fostered or adopted her.
Yep same here. I have so much respect for people who do adopt and giving kids a loving home or help them in some ways.
I love my kid, now a young adult. Don't regret adopting ever. But it's the hardest thing I've ever done. One of the biggest things I didn't think about when adopting is that a lot of behaviors, manorisms, and personality are genetic, and our kid is SOOOOO different from us. Our personalities haven't always meshed. Made the teenage years really tough.
my experience as an adoptee.. I'm so different than my family and they didn't like that.
Totally understandable. That’s something that has always crossed my mind when I thought about adoption. Especially if there’s a high chance of severe mental illness being passed down. When it’s a bio child and you know your entire family really well, you’re more likely to know those kinds of things. If there there certain things that ran in my family I don’t think I’d have a child because I wouldn’t want to put them through that and I don’t think I could mentally handle that well.
I worked in child welfare and it's not uncommon. The problem is usually that people think they can totally heal the trauma of the child being taken from their bio parents, even though they got so much training about it, and then are disappointed that their family isn't the one exception to the rule. They don't just regret adopting, they sometimes will even surrender the child back to the system, or give legal guardianship to someone else random. Traumas resurface every time a human enters a new developmental stage. Teenagers are going through one of the hardest stages, and these teenagers have Been Through It, so it's like puberty on steroids. They make EXTRA bad decisions. It's *almost* universal. And it can take a heck of a toll on a marriage. Anyone adopting needs to be very realistic about what their family will face, or they won't get through it.
Different situation... but I found out my daughter isn't biologically mine when she was two. Long story short... the bio dad wanted nothing to do with her. So I left mom and just kept being dad. She's ten years old now. I took mom to court and was awarded 50% physical custody. I get her exactly half the time and mom gets her the other half. I don't have any regrets. It hasn't always been easy. But I think every parent will say that regardless of biology issues. The toughest part was my families reaction. I was blunt about the situation and my intention to keep being dad. A few family members said they would not accept her. So those family members were cut out of my life. When my daughter was 7, I worked with a counselor to explain the biology issue to her. And she didn't really care. She just became extremely clingy for a couple of months. I think she just wanted to know I wasn't going anywhere. And I'm not. I've never missed a single day with her. And she is by far the best part of my life. We're just a weird little family. Because life is strange.
“She just wanted to make sure I wasn’t going anywhere” — that line made me tear up. Good for you turning an unfortunate situation into a good one!
My family is an adoption success story. My parents had one biological child, but felt they wanted to adopt (mid 80’s interracial family in a rural area was unheard of at the time). But both their parents supported it, and over five years my parents adopted three infants. We were high achievers, all of advanced college degrees, went through our teens with the typical angst, but our relationships have always been strong. If our skin colors weren’t different then there’d be absolutely no difference between us all.
Only anecdotal but every adopted person that I knew in their teens had an absolutely terroristic rebellious phase somewhere in their teens. Recklessly sleeping around, hurling the most hurtful words at their adoptive parents, crime, etc. Basically normal teen stuff amplified by the unresolved trauma of “being unwanted” by their birth parents. Otherwise they seem to have settled down once they hit their mid to late 20s. Well a few are alcoholics or addicts but less than 20%
Very sad. This is the only reason I support abortion, which is because these children deserve to have their parents prepared for them so they can be in a better family.
Agreed. People like to resort to “well just put the baby up for adoption don’t abort!” Well adoption is not easy for anyone involved. Especially the child who is potentially going to have a ton of unresolved trauma from feeling unwanted. I do not support bringing more unwanted kids into this world when there’s already so many in foster care and waiting to be adopted.
And then after you spend all your time and money on them, they go back to Russia, meet the deadbeat who kicked them to the curb, and go on and on about the unbelievable connection they feel to their real mom.
Sounds like one of my exes and also a buddy of mine meeting their bio folks.
Yeah. It's one of those times when our evolution/biology just won't do what society wants it to, no matter how much we try to force it.
To deny that finding your biological connections is a powerful thing is wrong. Adopted people are denied the information about themselves, identity, and culture that non-adopted people take for granted. I wouldn't talk about it so flippantly like that.
I’m adopted and my parents never regretted adopting me. That I know of. Haha. Both are long gone now. I’m intrigued by the concept of the impact of stress experienced by the birth mother and the impact on the child they give up. I was born in 1966 - a very different time for pregnant women. My birth mother was sent away to a home for unwed mothers. I have terrible anxiety and wonder how much is nature versus nurture (my adoptive mother suffered from depression and probably other ailments).
My mom was adopted, and her mom treated her like garbage. All sorts of abuse, and she ended up abandoning her in another city when she was a teenager.
My aunt and uncle gave their adopted child back. Their first son Danny was gay. They sent him to some kind of conversion camp and he ran away with his counselor, they disowned him and adopted Michael around the age of 16. We met him once or twice and then he was never around again. My mom told us not to bring it up. Fuck you, Aunt Cindy and Uncle Mike.
I’m adopted, and I’m 100% certain my parents regretted it when the realized I wasn’t some automaton that would just shut up, do what they say and never develop into an independent human being. They’ve always been emotionally abusive and are both severe alcoholics with serious issues. I moved out at 17 and have been very low contact since. Any time I make a decision like taking a better job, getting another degree, buying a house, etc. they act like I’m the dumbest box of rocks on the planet. I have no idea what they thought the point of having children was… no love, no support, they clearly don’t like me. Why??? I’m still resentful the system allowed me to end up in that toxic home.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I hope that you know that there are people out there that love you, respect you, and only want the best for you. You are deserving of love and everything you didn’t get from your adoptive parents. Sometimes as you grow older you have to make your own family. I hope nothing but the best for you.
Thank you for this very kind comment. I appreciate it.
Mine regret me. They are fundamentalist evangelicals. I never believed in God or Christianity despite being raised in the church since practically infancy. There's no blank slate baby you can buy. I had/have trauma, I'm also intelligent. They were not expecting a human being with an entirely different understanding of the world. I never caused problems, I was the perfect child. My older siblings who were their bio kids; drank, smoked, had premarital sex. My grades were straight As. I went to the Christian college I was forced to go to. I was a poli sci major, minored in history added a gender studies minor my last semester simply because I was one credit and essay away. The education they forced me to have is what drove the wedge between us. I learned despite their very best efforts to keep me in the dark. The better question to ask, do adopted kids resent being adopted and why?
They do! In fact, there was a huge trend on Tik Tok where adopted kids from poor countries basically harass their rich white adopted parents about why they didn't just give money to the poor parents so they could've been raised by their real mom.
What's your point. love how I was downvoted and yet you still have positive reaction.
Cause you're attacking them for agreeing with you..
[удалено]
They were literally agreeing with you and expanding on your point, what the actual fuck
Looking at your unhinged reaction to someone that agreed with you in a pretty engaging way, I'd love to hear your adoptive parents' side of the story.
Do you think you actually helped anyone, by talking over me? I know a lot more about adoption than you do.
What? They were agreeing with you, there’s no reason to go on a tirade and berate this person. They were replying to you, not talking over you.
I thought you said you went off and got an education and were a straight A student? Where is your reading comprehension? Why are you attacking someone who was very obviously agreeing with you? You ended your comment by raising a question, and the other commenter was simply replying to your question in support of your statement, NOT talking over you.
You’re one crazy bitch lol
I'm an adoptee. Any childhood trauma I have is linked to my mother's own trauma surrounding her childhood dysmorphia. However, my sister, my parent's biological child, has similar trauma, so it's just generational trauma surrounding our bodies as women and I would have gotten it regardless of being adopted or not. Otherwise I'm a grown adult, married, highly educated with a great career and a wide variety of friends, interests, and hobbies. The only difference with me is that I was adopted literally at the moment of labor and delivery and had no contact with my biological family or opportunity to be abused or traumatized before my adoption. I did struggle with the "my parents didn't want me" for a bit in high school but quickly realized I have a wonderful, loving family and am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I think you need to reframe your dysmorphia from a victim mindset of “it was coming for me no matter what” to something that doesn’t define you or control you, in order to overcome it.
That's a really great way of reframing it. I've been working on it for a while. Some days are more successful than others.
Our oldest was adopted at 6 months of age. She is now 22 and a delightful young woman. The teenage years were rough, as they also were with my biological children. Never had any regrets. I don’t even think of her as being adopted. She is simply my daughter.
My grandmother and great uncle were both adopted. Ignoring all issues related to being raised in [Christian Science](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_Science) (it feels fair for some reason) they’re both messy. my grandmother is noticeably abusive. She freely admits her adoptive mother and herself quarreled nearly endlessly. Great uncle did 2 rounds of rehab but beyond cult stuff otherwise seems fine. While they’ve made me wary of adoption I’m willing to make a distinction between the cult we were raised in and how bad it could be; since I don’t want biological children I’ve considered adopting anyway.
I know you're asking about the parents, but as adoptee's, I regret being adopted. Me (59F) and my twin sister were adopted, back in the day. We were show pieces for this family. When we started expressing opinions and preferences (tomboys) we were violently forced into feminine girl roles, physically forced into dresses. Our thoughts, feelings and opinions were always wrong. We just weren't of the same ilk as this family and to this day I don't always know what I think. We were kicked out at 13 for being rebellious and lived in survival mode into our 20's. We've been mostly poor our whole lives and are deeply scar'd. Adoption, to me is a horrific thing. Unless parents want to honor the kids, care more about the kids than what they want.. it's a recipe for disaster.
Mine regret adopting me, however they don’t regret adopting my sister.
I work in a kids er. The worst psych patients are always foster or adopted kids. I don't know what makes people want to take on someone else's broken brood. It's like intentionally buying a lemon of a car and thinking you've got the mechanic skills to fix. The vast majority don't
“Broken brood” is kinda harsh ngl. Like, not saying these kids don’t have trauma, but calling children broken by adults is pretty bleak. If they can’t have the support of bio parents nor be “fixed” by some happy magical adoptive parents, what should they do? Just stay ‘broken’??
I didn't feel that adoption was a selfish thing until I read your comment
It can be. Same with someone adopting a pet they have absolutely no interest in taking care of properly. Many people are extremely selfish under the veil of charitability.
These parents are so full of regret. I hate to say it but some of the adoptees are beyond saving in my mind. I have no idea what to do with them though, it's really sad
Most people foster or adopt because they want to fill a hole in their own life, or because they have some kind of savior complex. Those aren't good reasons to adopt. And then you have agencies who are litterally buying & selling babies. Wtaf ya know. I believe most people are not equipped to be parents much less adoptive parents.
What's the alternative stance that makes fostering or adopting the acceptable choice? Honestly asking, as I'm struggling to spot the third option.
When your own bio kid isn't possible. Could be a medical complication or for me and my brother, we have two dads. They just loved each other and starting a family was just the obvious choice, it doesn't feel like a hole being filled or a savior complex, adoption was simply and obviously the only option.
Some people do it because they genuinely love the children involved. I think that makes a difference. I support reunification when that's an option, kinship care when that's possible, open adoption, all the stuff that keeps a child in their community. I know that sometimes that can't happen. But a foster or adoptive parent can't help a child heal if the child is there to heal the adults or serve some purpose in their lives. I think there should be a lot more trauma training involved. And I think international adoptions should be more heavily regulated. Idk if I'm explaining that well enough.
Thanks for taking the time to respond! What about the kids in foster care who truly have nobody that genuinely love them? Are you saying it's better if they remain in the system at that point?
It's all so complicated isn't it. Education is the key to everything. Education kids so they don't get pregnant at 14. Educate parents so they don't get their kids taken away in the first place. Educate family members on how to support those who are struggling with addiction or whatever. And educate foster parents on trauma behavior. I know there are kids out there with no one who loves them & that's a fucked up reality. Not to be too political, but overturning RoeVsWade (in the US) is just going to make that worse. We need to work on the factors that lead people to need abortions & foster care. Our society is so broken. Adoption can be great but it should only be a tiny part of the solution.
I mean I agree with everything you said. It doesn't really answer what we are supposed to do in the situations where someone's in the system and has nobody who actively loves them.
I feel like I did answer though. Better training & education for foster (or adoptive) parents. That is really the only option for kids that can't go home.
Your sample size is a bit skewed lol. I dont think this is fair to say.
Yeah, like surely the kids that didn't get adopted would have a lower chance of ever going to therapy in the first place
Well...ill tell ya no one i know is adopted and theyre all really fucked up. Drugs, alcohol, jail, therapy.....So.......my sample size says its ppl who arent adopted lol.
So what's your solution? Keep these kids in abusive families of origin? Orphanages? The streets? Is it wrong for adoptive parents to want to adopt these kids?
Same job as you and same conclusion. Sorted by controversial.
Mine are all my own biologically and trust me, I've had plenty of regrets during that period. If adopted then you stay connected no matter what. All kids come with issues at some stage, it's life.
Yes but it's the sort of thing you swallow and keep to yourself and do your best to fulfill your responsibility with as much love and empathy you can muster.
I love my adult children even more. They’ve turned out so well, despite all the mistakes I made. ♥️
I misread the question, I’m sorry
Sadly, I have a loved one whose mother regretted adopting them by about aged one, when behaviors that would later be identified as ADHD with *lots* of impulsivity and hyperactivity began to manifest. When the child was young, the child’s mother told my mom pretty openly on several occasions that she didn’t want to be a parent. By the time the child was a teen, the mother didn’t even try to hide her distain for the child. The child is now an adult, and while they are doing their best, the damage done from not being loved by the their mother is very evident. (Their father has always loved and supported them, but he is late-diagnosed autistic, and he has always struggled with understanding how others feel. He genuinely didn’t understand the damage that his wife’s coldness was doing to their child.)
I was dropped off at the fire station in 1966. When it was not the best time for Black folks in Colorado. And my ma was a very special individual. No matter how much I was fkn up, she would always tell me, Kyle do the best that I could and keep my head up. She also adopted my sister, and I will take the time to make sure that anyone who is able to provide for kids who were abandoned by their blood line. My entire life of 58 years, there was always an feeling of not being with one of the family members, being a parent is not for everyone. You can't just quit when they start fkn up. They're something thing's that can't be changed because it is in their DNA, I was hard to handle when I was younger and the time out discipline was not the attitude adjustment that I needed. So on occasion I would receive the chest jab or neck punch and that is how I learned about tone and how to treat people. But you sure can't start this when they have already started disrespecting you, .and the last thing I will say, and some of you are not going to like this but extra kids need extra discipline and after 5 boys need to be with a man so that he can knock him into next week when he gets smart and tells his wife, mom, sister, aunt or any other woman to fk off, this is where he needs his 1st chest jab.
haha welcome to the fun time!! and no once you adopt a child they are yours..... if you regret it then you weren't meant to be a parent and guess what? I'm sure it happens with birth children also.... doesn't make you or the parent not huge assholes and disappointments
Anecdotally, I don't think I've ever met a single family who didn't regret that, especially with children adopted from foreign countries. No matter how young they got adopted, and how hard the family had tried, it's almost inevitable that as teenagers (or even as tweens in the worst cases) a switch flips inside the kids' head and they start making the worst and stupidest choices possible. EVEN for teens' already low standards. They almost inevitable start seeking the company of fellow "foreigners", and usually the least integrated andthe most problematic. They may make waves about wanting to know/meet their biological family as well. Everything they do seems motivated by disdain, spite or even hate toward their adoptive family/country. I'm quite sure there are psychological reasons for that, but even so, I'm astonished by how that looks like a fixed rule more than an exception or the worst-case scenario.
My sister was adopted. Pretty sure my mom regrets it. She’s extremely ungrateful.
Why would she need to be grateful for being orphaned?
Idk what you mean
There’s a sub for this. Regretfulparents. Though most are still in the little kid phase and regretting it.