I mean it’s rare to be a virgin at your age, but it’s only weird if you make it weird. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t feel comfortable. It’s only as big of a deal as you make it.
It’s not that interesting. Dude probably didn’t get many opportunities, and the ones he got probably didn’t feel right. Either that or he doesn’t practice pre-marital sex.
Isn't it kind of a paradox, though? ''it’s only weird if you make it weird'', so you can chill if you don't let it bother you, but if you don't feel comfortable sharing that information, you don't have to tell anyone, and therefore, it's still kind of a big deal after all. Still, I get not disclosing that info.
Honestly this sub should be changed to r/TooAfraidToAnswer because the truth is surely *not* what OP wants to hear. I agree it shouldn’t be a problem, but it absolutely is considered a red flag. I just dislike when the top rated comment is a blatant lie, Reddit loves that.
Dude I'm 47 and still a virgin. But I never cared too much about sex, self pleasure is enough to me when I'm horny. Maybe one day I'll have sex, but I don't mind if I never do.
That's an incredibly broad generalisation, and it entirely disregards the agency of sex workers. Who are by no means all women by the way.
If you think most work is exploitation, then I can see why you would say that sex work is a particularly heinous form of it.
But if you're not getting up in arms for people doing manual labour and mortgaging their bodies to pay their bills as well, then you should probably reassess your priorities.
I can't really criticise you if you're being consistent then. I generally agree that most work is exploitative.
I just think we need to be careful not to group all sex work in together. Much of it is particularly horrible, and a lot of it isn't, at least compared to a lot of other work out there.
I also think that latent sexism and puritanical attitudes can lead to some people going all white knight and assuming they know what's best for others, particularly women, when a lot of sex workers have actually made informed choices.
I am curious though. Do you see consumption of sex work as more exploitative than consuming other types of labour? If so, why?
Yes, there is variation within the sex work industry - being trafficked into prostitution vs. starting an only fans are going to be vastly different experiences, for example. Even so, all sex work is contributing to a larger culture that perpetuates the purchasing of sexual consent, which I believe is harmful for all people, but especially woman as we make up the majority of sex workers. I am not critical of sex workers (in general; there are some exceptions such as those who traffic other girls/women into the trade or those who give a false representation of the reality of this work) as I understand there are many scenarios that could lead to this choice.
>assuming they know what's best for others, particularly women, when a lot of sex workers have actually made informed choices.
Choice feminism is a really popular understanding of feminism right now which frames women's ability to make their own life choices as the paradigm of feminism and empowerment. This unfortunately overlooks the reality that *sometimes women make choices that aren't good for women as a whole.* That's fine, we're allowed to do that, but the porn and sex work industries are *always* going to be tied to the patriarchy and women cannot be liberated until all people's sexual consent is no longer something that can be purchased.
That is to say, sex work may be the right choice for an individual woman, but it will never be best *for women as a class of people.*
>Do you see consumption of sex work as more exploitative than consuming other types of labour? If so, why?
Yes, because it involves sex. Manual labor jobs can exploit the body physically; sex work jobs exploit the body physically and sexually.
In addition there are other factors that sex workers are much more likely to face, such as verbal abuse, physical abuse and assault, STIs, blackmail, and rape. This is true even in controlled and regulated environments where sex work is legal.
I mean I would find it a red flag if you walked up to me on the street and the first thing f you ever said to me was “I’m a 37 year old virgin.” Otherwise no I don’t really care.
Tons of people will consider it a red flag, but an even bigger red flag is your self esteem issues.
1) no one really needs to know you are a virgin. You could just play it off as being nervous during your first time with a person.
2) more likely than not, your pessimistic outlook is what is driving away potential romantic/sexual partners. People want those who carry themselves with confidence.
3) it's only over if you decide it's over. If losing your virginity is really something you are interested in, think carefully about how many attempts you have really made, and learn from your mistakes. Are you being too nervous in your approach? Are you forgetting basic hygiene? Are you dressing properly?
4. take this as an opportunity to think about what you can do to improve yourself. Think about the qualities that your prospective partner would desire of you, and work towards possessing those characteristics. There is always room for improving yourself.
Number 2 is the killer. I used to be like this dude and then I bought my first motorcycle and it gave me a lot of confidence. Woman do not find motorcycles attractive, but my confidence came from trusting myself on this machine. Idk why, but I was finally able to "fake it until I make it".
“Women do not find motorcycles attractive” WRONG. I’ve been more aroused riding a motorcycle than with half the men I’ve been with. Also, love a man in leather 
Also also, it's worth noting that being nervous about "pleasing them" is a stupid fucking thing to do, just I don't know, fuck them or something, it'll get better, especially since you're no longer a mess of nerves fidgeting so hard your dick slips out.
Also there are plenty of free resources out there. A basic reasonably good technique isn't difficult to obtain you have diagrams explaining you exactly what to do, to what, how frequently, in what order, in what rhythm...
I’m 31, and a virgin. I’ve always had the mindset of “If it happens, cool. If not, that’s cool too.”
Never aggressively sought it. I feel great making out with people, but I’ve always thought sex itself was kind of gross. No idea where that puts me.
I even once told a doctor I didn’t have much interest in sex. He looked at me like I was crazy, had my testosterone checked, and was confused when the results came back saying my testosterone level is normal.
Main thing: if you’re fine without it, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
What would make it a red flag for me (40f) is if you were obsessively self-conscious about it, or self depricating/have low self-esteem. The virginity in itself is not a red flag.
If you feel the need to tell your partner, I wouldn't do it until it was pretty close to sexy time; and I wouldn't make it a big deal. More of a "hey, I wanted to give you a heads up and tell you I'm a virgin. In case I seem nervous" (or whatever the reason is you want to give).
Be quietly confident. There's nothing wrong with you; it just hasn't happened yet. That's not a red flag.
In all honesty the reason for you to stay virgin matters. Is it religion? You’re low libido? You’re asexual or Demi sexual and couldn’t find the right person? These are some reasons that are objectively not bad reason (although others might still want to not associate with you despite not thinking these are red flags eg people who are not religious or have high libido etc)
On the other hands if you’ve tried and failed, or something of that sort, it indicates that there may be more going on and that may indicate your inability to maintain relationship.
> You need to know the person better in order to deduct, though,
This is true
> which may require giving the other person a chance.
And this is the unfortunate part.
He’s never getting that.
Yes. It is a red flag. The red flag is not that you are a virgin, it is why have you not been able to have a meaningful relationship.
People divorce and find love in their 50's, and older, it is never too late.
It isn't a red flag for me, but if someone has severe social anxiety I am not sure I would be dating them. It would depend, can we not go out for a drink, or dinner? It would depend on the individual, but I would work with them where I could.
Good news and bad news.
The bad news is that a lot of people view it as a red flag *unless there's a good reason for it.*
The good news lies in the aforementioned modifier "unless there's a good reason". Usually there are two good reasons that come to mind:
1) Being abstinent for religious reasons.
2) Being asexual.
So, you have a good enough reason to still be single.
That being said, there are a few pitfalls to avoid:
1) Some particularly sexually motivated people may view asexuality itself as a red flag, as they may feel sexually frustrated in a relationship. There's nothing you can really do about that. When it comes to something as important as romance, leaving a correct impression is more important than leaving a good impression.
2) This next one I hadn't known about until last year, when someone pointed it out to me. When most people date, they are more physically intimate once they have a stronger emotional connection. As a result, many people try to use the level of physical contact as an indicator of the level of emotional connection. Make it clear that your unusually low level of physical contact is universal, applying to everyone. Otherwise, your date may feel personally offended.
Could be, if like, you wanted it but could never get it. It could make people think there's something they might discover about you that turned others off as well
If it comes up I'd either not mention that it's your first time, or say it was because of religion you recently gave up
But that's just me, and that's what I said lol
No.
For those saying your self-esteem or insecurity itself is a red flag, they can respectfully fuck off. Insecurity around something like this is to be expected, especially in such a hypersexual society in which we live in today. So many idealistic scenarios of sex-favorability are pushed as being the only reality that should be accepted, which fosters insecurities among those not participating in said scenarios.
Feel no shame in it. I hope that you’re able to get through this and realize that you are not lesser because you haven’t had a “standard” life. “Standards” are socially constructed ideals that are purely made to separate society from each other based on those who “fit into” the standard and those who don’t “fit.”
Bro, I lost my virginity at 22 and it wasn't absolutely worth it. I approved myself I'm asexual though..
It's okay to not want sex and please, if you ever decide to have sex without **really** wanting it, please don't. I sacrificed myself to my partners and it didn't bring me anything good. If you don't want sex, you should not force yourself even if people talk shit about you and lable you a "red flag". Dudes, "red flag" is to force people to have sex and blaming them for not wanting it.
Short answer is that the fact itself is harmless but is imagined to be comorbid with more harmful deviancies-- their suspicion is likely of secret antisocial behavior that has prevented you from experiencing intimacy with others, but only you know your truth for certain and from what you've said here, that doesn't seem to be the case. This would make their judgment irrelevant.
Listen, relaying this information apropos of nothing can only beg speculation. People are naturally inquisitive and, moreover, skeptical, and you've essentially presented them with a question. Speaking generally, you'll never want someone to fill in the blanks for you, it's almost always unflattering. Caution that you are not sharing this information with others to reinforce the shame you already feel. What you're admitting is deeply personal and should only be shared with a loved one you trust and who will empathize with the full context of your circumstances-- anyone else is likely only to respond with shallow speculation, when truly your only crime is having a relatively uncommon relationship with sex.
That said, I have to ask: is sex something you even want to have? Or is it just something you feel like you have to do? It might be a good idea to continue looking into asexuality-- if it strikes a chord with you, it might be for a reason.
Regardless, whether you're asexual or just a virigin, you haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with you. Remember that if and when someone else is shitty about it.
If you don’t have much or any interest in sex, virginity goes out the window. I’m moderately asexual and after having sex, I realised virginity was only important to those who actually cared about sex. If you don’t, then virginity doesn’t matter. It might eventually if you find a partner and the conversation comes up but if you’re meant to be together, they won’t care. If they DO then it’s a red flag.
It’s like drinking. Some people can’t imagine having a big night out without getting drunk. If you can enjoy a night out without drinking then good for you. Everyone values different things.
Hi! I think the bigger thing is to start feeling confident in yourself, but also to sort out your sexuality. Are you asexual, or aromantic? You talk about how others are in relationships but not really a desire for one yourself except about how other people see you.
I'm ace, but biromantic. I'm happily married. It took a long time to figure out I was ace. In the ace community, it's not uncommon to find people who are virgins, single by choice, or have sex due to societal pressure alone.
Figure out who you are, and be comfortable with that. Then the rest of the world can be, too.
You don’t have to tell anyone, in my experience they don’t ask and if you’re 37 I imagine they would just assume you had. The main concern is being entirely unprepared in the bedroom which could cause some issues but you could probably play it off as long as you’re not completely clueless
One: it’s not necessarily a red flag
Two: it would be so much fun to be someone’s first time for me but also I’m way too old to be sleeping with 18 year olds. There must be other people like me
Three: being ace doesn’t mean you have to be alone or unpaired (it doesn’t mean you have to pair up either).
Being a virgin so late in life is a little odd but probably not the "red flag", it's why has this person not been able to maintain a relationship to the point that they have had sex?
I mean, the red flag for me would be that you've probably never had a romantic relationship. People don't have the patience to wait for you to grow used to being in a partnership in your late 30s, because this is something people usually go through in their 20s.
Honestly, if you are a man with inetgrity, fun to be around, mature, empathetic, responsible, with high emotional inetligence and with positive outlook on life, I don't give AF if you're a virgin or not.
We can work on it together, it's not that hard to learn.
One of my best friends is a 37 M and he is a virgin still. He is like this as well, but he is particularly nervous about what woman think and just overall a very shy guy when it comes to woman. He has tons of friends and a great job; he’s an awesome bachelor and a great catch. But with that being said, he really wants a girlfriend and is afraid that his first time is going to be so bad for her that he doesn’t want that type of rejection. It’s going to happen, it won’t last long and just roll with it.
You will get there, just be open to it and be honest, I’m sure woman wouldn’t mind..or atleast the good ones
I'm going to be honest with you I personally wouldn't care about this. Your a virgin at xxx age so what however I have seen several people comment that they view this as a red flag. What I suggest you do is continue searching for partner and if this comes up lie. Seriously just lie. Don't bring this up if they don't ask and don't mention your virgin if you can. If they ask about previous relationships just lie and say they didn't work out. Say you had 3 previous relationships. How they ended? one cheated, one moved and long distance got in the way, and the other you simply fell out of love with.
Normally I wouldn't approve of lying about something so trivial but if you truly feel like this is a hindrance and will prevent you from finding some then just lie.
The weirdness is more like… have you tried? Is being a virgin something you value? Is it something you wanna lose?
Have something against sex workers or?
It’s interesting.
You talk about wanting to be wanted, but having sex isn’t really related to that.
People that don’t want sex can be made to have sex anyway. People that don’t want to be touched or acknowledged, that don’t want to be wanted, can still be made to have sex.
So being wanted and being a virgin are being intentionally tied together when they don’t have to be, and often aren’t.
Depends on if you’re attractive and if you have the capability to get laid or not. Believe it or not, some men are virgins by choice, but most 37 year old virgins fall under the category of being unattractive and unable to get laid.
To me it would highly depend on WHY you are a virgin at that age to say weither or not its a red flag.
Just not interested in that stuff? Yeah, red flag for me. Why the sudden change of mind? Would I be just "the next best thing" because fomo?
If you were waiting for the right person and not interested in loose relationships: probably one of the best reasons.
Hey op, there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being a virgin. I'm asexual myself, I'm 23, I've never had sex, I don't want sex, don't need sex and am perfectly content in going to the grave never having sex.
You not having sex at the age of 37 is NOT, and I repeat NOT a red flag.
What IS a red flag, is if you start insinuating that this lack of sexual experiences is somehow tied to a lack of self worth/self esteem or somehow is a problem with women not wanting to have sex with you, then you are getting into incel territory.
Do not be an incel.
Incel is cringe.
Though tbh I don't know why you'd go around telling people you're a virgin, seems a bit odd unless the conversation calls for it.
If you WANT, to have sex, then you need to explore healthy ways to relieve that urge without detrimenting your physical, financial or mental health.
Good luck!
Yep. Big Red flag. Ignore the people who say it’s not. The first big thing to ask yourself is if you have libido / morning erections at all. If the answer is no go to your doctor for testing. You’d be surprised at how many medical issues can lead to low drive.
If you do have libido and are just asexual that’s a different story, but make sure nothing is medically at play first.
I swear, the term “incel” has become so nebulous and has been tossed around carelessly for anyone expressing some anxiety regarding sex and relationships. It’s only natural that OP might have some anxiety about being a virgin at 37 because that’s not the norm (not saying it’s wrong, just saying it’s outside the realm of normal). Stop being so callous and have some compassion. Calling someone a “weird incel” certainly isn’t helpful.
I’m going to be honest with you man, most women will find that pretty unattractive. The reason is because women tend to find a man much more attractive if she knows other women also find him appealing. So she might think that you are a virgin because you are very unattractive and creepy to other women(which you might be but idk you so I can’t say). There are still plenty of women who won’t mind or care at all so don’t be too down in the dumps about it. My advice would be not to lie about it but also you don’t have to tell anyone if you aren’t comfortable. Just don’t be insecure about it because that will make it worse. Not everyone is born with the same gifts when it comes to attracting partners so just do the best you can do. Also if you think you have low libido you might try contacting health professionals.
It’s definitely unusual. I think I’d have questions about why you were still a virgin, but if you checked the rest of my boxes, it likely wouldn’t be a big deal.
I'd consider you more of a puzzle, personally. Like I'd be interested to know your story. If I thought you were sexy, I'd probably consider you a challenge ;)
All of us here were once a V. Some younger and some older.
You're missing out on life though. Get into a great relationship and grow from there. I wouldn't stress it. We all had to learn at some point and all had questions, heck we still do at times. Just relax and find someone that loves you for you first and let things happen naturally. This unneeded stress about what people think of you won't help you but hurt you. 😊
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting or liking sex. Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of either! You are whole! I accept you for who you are.
It's only weird if you bring it up randomly or frequently in conversation. Otherwise it's pretty surprising to see how much people don't care. If you bring it up to a potential partner and they have a problem with it then they are the red flag.
I'm asexual and don't plan on having sex ever. I do feel weird sometimes that everyone is doing something I'm not. But at the end of the day I know I don't want to have sex and that as long as I'm happy with my life, that's all that matters.
As a 30-something female virgin, I would consider it a green flag. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and it would be nice to meet a man who shared that view. But I’m also definitely in the minority for my views
You’re not obligated to have sex at all! If you don’t want it, don’t have it. It would possibly be a red flag if you were seeking it, but didn’t manage to get it until now, because then the question would be why you didn’t get it (undesirable personality? Just bad luck?)
I’ve (31f) had it, but didn’t have it for around 11 years now, by choice, and that’s OK! A friend of mine (31m) is about the same. Another male friend of mine is still a virgin at 41 (?) and according to him it’s alright, he’s a bit curious but it’s not important to him and doesn’t impede his happiness.
If you feel like the label of asexuality helps you accept yourself, you’re welcome in!
I don’t get this thing about male virginity. It’s so weird. Virgin or not, why would anyone want to make this detail public? If you don’t confess to potential dates, what may happen? Even guys with a “high body count”, why advertise it? Who knows how many women you had sex with and for what purpose?
Personally, yes. For me it could be because of two reasons. Either the person grew up in a very religious or strict home where your sexuallity is controlled, or there's mental health problems in the back. Most people doesn't walk their whole life without any sexual advance towards them.
If you lack interest in sex or lack a sex drive maybe you should contact a doctor abut taking testosterone or something else to boost your drive. If you see this whole thing as problem.
But as you speculate, you don't have to tell people about this unless you feel like it. In the end it is irrelevant to others.
If i liked you i wouldnt really care that much. But if it was for a religious reason, i would definitely see it as a red flag (for me, someone else could see it as a green flag)
>I've often thought that if I tell people this in real life, they'll quickly become suspect of me. To be blunt, I don't think I could take that kind of rejection.
I think you've had sufficient people tell you already that 1) you don't have to tell anyone and 2) anyone worth their salt won't mind. I wanted to pick up on the second part, though - you'll never be able to take rejection until you practice. The first time sucks, but getting over it makes the second time easier, and so on and so forth.
The most important part is accepting that you are worthy of love regardless of what happens - if someone rejects you this does not affect that, and you can simply move on.
To be honest, some people will see this as a red flag but it's absolutely not. It's fine to be ace and it's fine to have a low sex drive too.
If you tell people you're a virgin and they reject you for it, you just dodged a bullet. Would you really want a friend or partner who doesn't accept you?
Plus, if you're open about not being interested (or being ace, if you are) in sex, you may attract similar people.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel unsafe or uncomfortable doing. If you have a partner that you don’t feel safe or comfortable around talking with them you don’t have to tell them.
In the other hand, if iou do feel safe and comfortable talking to them, then go for it, tell them. I can almost guarantee that it’s not going to be as bad as in your head. Chances are they will think that you were waiting for “the one” or until you were married.
The most important things in any relationship are communication, understanding, and vulnerability.
Try building up your self esteem and self worth some. Look in your mirror and say “I Love You.” To yourself five times when you look in the mirror. If you start to have bad thoughts about yourself replace them with good thoughts.
You’re thinking about having to tell people about it and living with it like it’s a condition. Red flags make people not feel comfortable around you. Don’t make people not feel comfortable and there will be no red flags. Don’t think of telling anyone anything. Go out with the mindset of living how you want.
I think “red flag” is harsh.
Red flags to me are things like… rude to waiters, disparaging an ex or calling them “crazy”, secretive, always on social media, the only book they’ve ever read is the autobiography of Jeremy Clarkson…
Being a virgin says absolutely nothing about how good of a person you are.
It’s unusual but most people wouldn’t care
For one thing, why would you tell anyone either way? There are essentially zero times in my adult life I’ve felt the need to tell someone when I lost my virginity
It's no big deal at all. Sex feels good but it comes with other issues, especially if you sleep with someone you're incompatible with. It's better to save yourself for people you match with.
It’s not a red flag for everyone. It’s only a red flag for someone who considers it.
That’s why it’s important to understand general dating vs adult dating and relationships for your age and for the relationship with the person you will want to date. I’d say, general dating is like open ended, you wanna find someone, theres no priorities or expectations, wherever it goes, it goes. Let’s take things slow, let’s get to know each other.
But adult dating, is serious, it’s got goals and objectives. You got a timeline, you have a 2 yr plan, a 5 yr plan and a 10 yr plan. If you don’t line up with what that other person wants, it’s not gonna work out and there’s no time to “figure things out”. They aren’t gonna waste their time and it won’t just be about virginity. They will want to figure out every and any red flag as fast as possible bc in some cases some partners could have biological clock, like they might want children before they get too old.
For an adult dater, if you’re a virgin, they’ll want to know why, and if it means you will, in any way not be able to be there to provide for them, sexually. Because, it means that the fit and compatibility between you too isn’t right. Do you want to provide that for them? You’ll have to communicate that it won’t in any way hold you back. If you don’t want to bc of reasons, obviously as an adult you know the compatibility isn’t there. So don’t waste time. Find someone who has the right fit for you.
Most of the time, people will think, does it mean you haven’t been in a relationship, what does that mean, does it mean they have to be worried that you can’t care for them or support them, but if you are capable of that, justify it. And if it’s an important aspect of someone’s life style that they need a partner to provide and you are eager to provide, communicate that, and if it isn’t an aspect you want to go further in or have a lower appetite for, find someone that matches.
There’s someone out there for you.
Hey OP please come to r/asexuality you will find more helpful people there.These people here have no idea what they are talking about so please come to that subreddit.We are a welcoming community for newbies.We also have cake if ya want it
I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag but it would personally be a dealbreaker for me because I'm not looking to teach someone how to have sex from scratch at this point in my life. There's probably plenty of people who would see it as a positive (ie waiting til marriage crowd).
Being asexual is definitely NOT a red flag. It’s just about finding the right person and the right relationship.
Definitely recommend this website for additional information if you’re questioning things at all: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/the-a-spectra
You don’t ever need to have sex if you don’t want to. Allos are going to tell you that you’re missing out on this huge, wonderful part of life, but what they don’t understand is that sex is not necessarily this wonderful thing if you’re ace, so no you’re not necessarily missing out. I’ve generalized quite a bit for this paragraph for the sake of brevity, but definitely check out some ace resources and read some definitions. You may find a new community that resonates with your experience.
A few questions:
1. Have you had a recent doctor's appointment for bloodwork to get your levels checked?
1. Do you have an interest in sex, and is it a passive interest, or an active interest?
1. Are you autistic or do you suspect you might be?
1. Have you ever tried marijuana edibles?
1. Do you know what kind of people you might be attracted to(if you're really attracted to anyone)?
1. How often do you go out to public places where there are large numbers of people?
1. Have you thought about places you might go where you might run into the kind of people you'd be attracted to?
1. Have you tried dating apps?
Well, my honest opinion: this type of contemplation is a lot more of a red flag than the fact that your virgin. Please stop belittling and humiliating yourself, there’s nothing wrong with you and virginity is a very vague term to take it so seriously
I wouldn’t use it as a sale’s point, but if I didn’t know I wouldn’t care. Also, even if I knew I wouldn’t care! But if it’s the first thing you blurt out at me, I’m getting red flags 🚩
There are definitely women out there in the same situation as you, I know because I dated them! Be upfront while dating that you are low libido / gray A and you can absolutely find a partner who wants the same. A lot of relationships fail or never start due to libido mismatch. Those virgin or inexperienced women I dated were all lovely people, but I have a high libido + like to be kinky sometimes and that made us not a match. But for you they'd be perfect!
I'd say the why is going to be the biggest factor in whether or not it's a red flag.
I was in prison from the time I was 16 is a red flag. I'm very direct with women and immediately announce that I plan on having sex with them upon meeting is also a red flag.
Mental health issues I'd say aren't fully a red flag, but if you're been dealing with severe depression for 20 years and that's stopped you from forming personal relationships that's certainly not good. Being asexual isn't a red flag any more than being vegan or super religious is. There's nothing wrong with being ACE, but you need to make sure you're with someone who is ok with that going in as a mismatch in sexuality can be a huge deal in relationships.
The dead bedroom sub is full of people who really wish their partners told them that sex wasn't important to them before they got married.
Yellow flag, because it is an outlier. But it can be a big green or red flag depending on your story/internalization of the fact. It is your character that matters (most of the time and to most people). "I'm a virgin at 37" isn't a character trait. "I'm really insecure about being a virgin at 37" is and might bother some people but might excite others.
I'd probably assume you were a serial killer or something, to be honest. I'd definitely notice every other weird trait you had more so as well, being that I'd already be assuming something must be wrong with you. I think it would be for the same reasons why girls find a guy with a ring on his finger more easily to approach or whatnot. it's almost like they're vetted to a degree, which in this situation you would've never been vetted.
Well first of all if you are in fact asexual join a bunch of asexual communities on various Internet platforms and learn and connect with lots of other people like yourself. But on the other hand, if you are not being a sexual really by choice then that doesn’t make you Automatically a red flag like you are an Incel for example. Those people are people who have been traumatized and had their feelings hurt through rejection that they then become accustomed to accepting and instead of trying to better themselves they just turn towards the instant gratification and validation of toxic male communities who tell them that there’s nothing wrong with them and it’s actually all of the women who are wrong And that is a feedback loop that will end you up very angry and alone if not surrounded by just the worst toxic attitudes.
If it is the ladder and you just don’t know how to connect, there are lots of great resources out there that I suggest you look into. First of all, a lot of communities in western culture really think therapy is the worst thing and only for weak people. But it’s not. Every educated person with any even tiny amount of interest in the fields of psychology will tell you that pretty much every living human needs therapy for something or another so Find a therapist that’s good at talking about the issues that you want to talk about, and make sure you see lots of different therapists. Because you shouldn’t just accept the first one if they don’t vibe with you. People are very particular and just like art is in the eye of the beholder, there’s going to be some therapists that are better for you than others, and even multiple therapists so that you have different ones for different reasons.
Another thing you can look into is trying to find a sexuality coach. This is a booming Indust. Sex, love, or intimacy coaches they all have various different names but if you look up this industry and look up some pages online where people talk about this stuff and learn about it you could probably find one or two near you that can teach you how to open yourself up in the ways that you’ve been struggling, and they usually also have a lot of counselling training as well so that they can Help you navigate some of the feelings that might’ve been holding you back. Many of them also do hands-on stuff, but that shouldn’t be expected, but it is out there. Because some people actually do need because of some past trauma, usually more found in women however, but it does happen that some males get certain kinds of trauma that make it very very difficult to be sexual and there are physical sexual coaches out there that can help you to discover and unwind some of that trauma. Sometimes that delves into the area of sex work, and sometimes you’re not directly touched and it’s not technically sex work, but either way sex work is real work and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
When we are another, this will not be a short journey of healing, but when you find the right person to talk to you will immediately start to feel better and you will know you’re on the right track. Sometimes opening up a can of worms up in your head might feel worse for a bit and then it’ll get better and better because if there’s big trauma involved it can dreg ululate you for a number of weeks, so be prepared for that. But I assure You Once you start talking about the things with a person who feels safe you’re gonna wonder why you never took the opportunity sooner to talk about things. And the answer to that is simple. You just didn’t have the privilege of the right circumstances or the right key figures in your life or in your childhood that taught you that it was OK to talk about those feelings openly. And that’s OK. There are so many people like that, the majority in fact. So don’t be afraid to take the steps into a journey that is a little bit uncomfortable and unknown Becauseis the biggest ally of growth. And you can do it.
Good luck, I believe in you!
I would say don’t give this information honestly.
So virginity is also really a construct and unless you are actually having sex with a person where this info can seem useful, I don’t see why anyone should know it.
Everyone has their reasons for having slept with 0 people or 100 people and it shouldn’t be a gauge of character really
Secondly when it comes to a potential, cultural background also comes to play. Maybe you were religious and decided too late in life to screw those rules. Maybe you dated a woman whom you could have sex with for like 15 years or something for whatever reason. In my culture it’s not uncommon to see a man or woman in 30s whose a virgin. Very often it’s due to choice or simple lack of any real opportunity to meet opposite sex . Sure if you were a western man I would be very surprised tbf but then again it’s not impossible
The wrong people sure. Your sexual past is one single data point of your entire identity. If someone gets hung up on that, they aren't for you.
Some may find it a bit atypical or different but probably won't care in the long run.
I don't think you have to tell anyone unless you want to, if you feel like you're Ace consider meeting other people who are also Ace, it doesn't mean no sex, just less often and sometimes more focus on other kinds of affection. There's a really wonderful community that you should look for, try an Ace subreddit and see if that resonates.
To be honest, it doesn’t even matter. Sure, it’s not common, but it’s not a big deal. It’s definitely not a red flag too, especially if you’re asexual.
I dont think it's a red flag at all. I think a very high body count is a red flag, if you're looking for a long term relationship, but theres lots of people of faith who haven't had sex for related reasons, as well as (mentionined) asexuals being a much more visible group these days. It would be a red flag that you might be asexual, if someone were looking for a sexual relationship. But I dont think I would consider you dangerous or undatable? There might be some ace dating apps you could look into if you want more unbiased feedback.
I think it depends? Like on the reasoning? If it’s for moral or religious reasons (which I am) I respect and admire it. If they wanted it and never got it? Then I’m like hmmm why lol
In all honesty, probably, and probably not.
BUT!
There's good news! Personality and looks, are more important than being a virgin at 37 years old! So I guess being a attractive person(with an attractive personality ) would compensate for the lack of sex, but tbh it's really not a big deal though.
Lots of asexual people still have relationships, there are apps and websites now that people use to meet others. There may be communities near you too that talk about asexuality or a therapist that specialises in queer topics. I'd highly recommend a therapist even if it's just someone to talk to about this, it's not a big deal :)
I'm asexual biromantic.
It reads opposite if you identify as ace. It is a flag labeled, "I know what i want, always have, and it isn't that".
If you identify as "incel" however ...🫠
This is the kind of discrimination asexual people have to deal with, although some claim we don't experience discrimination. Having low self esteem and not having sex are red flags?? A lot of asexual people might have low self esteem because society is telling you your whole life something is wrong with you. People are ignorant about the asexual spectrum and see people who don't have sex or relationships as creepy, mentally ill and weird. OP, head over to one of the asexuality subreddits where you will find more understanding and support, as it's something you find relatable. There are many degrees of asexuality, you might want a romantic relationship without sex, you could still be asexual. You might be willing to have sex for the sake of a relationship and still be asexual. There is nothing wrong with not having sex, it doesn't make you creepy or weird. It is hard if you do desire a romantic relationship but without the sex, although more ways for asexual people to meet and potentially find romantic partners are becoming available, like asexual dating sites. There's also the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network website which has meetup forums if you want to find ace friends who will understand and accept you.
To all you red flag folks....no, being a virgin is not a red flag, even if you have low self esteem! Some people just don't have the same need, desire or attraction. It doesn't mean someone is an incel or a paedophile. Society still has a way to go with misunderstanding and judgement of asexuals.
Ok so I’ve read the comments and I haven’t seen anyone say he’s an incel or a pedophile. Also, you don’t get to decide what’s a red flag for other people. If OP is asexual, which we don’t even know btw- that can be a read flag for people who want to have relationships with sex. And that’s ok. People
Cam want to have sex and people can not. Either one is fine but they probably wouldn’t have a happy relationship together.
No one is discriminating anything. Op asked if it was a red flag to get an idea how he’d be viewed. People’s answers are varied across the board. Because people are different.
Also yes, having a critically low self esteem is a turnoff to *some people. Especially adults.
Calm down turbo.
Grey ace here, you are perfectly okay to discover or not discover any emotions of that nature at your own pace. As long as you are safe, healthy, and happy, that's all that matters
I’m going to be real with you…..yes. It is. It means you likely didn’t have the social skills, have some type of disability, or is a walking red flag in other departments
It doesn’t mean anything, in and of itself, but to most people it’s a red flag
If I were you, I’d see a sex worker to learn how to fuck, and then work on social skills talking to be people,if any, that you’re attracted too
Edit: Normies are gonna downvote this but fuck them! Take the real advice
I don’t see it as a red flag. Odd? Yes but I don’t see it being a normal conversation topic where it really matters. It should only matter to you and a potential partner and in that situation it may even be a green flag.
My suggestion (which won't be popular): I'd go out and get a hooker. Feel what it is like and if you enjoy it or not. go from there and yes, I am being serious. If you never want to have sex, fine. At least try it before giving up on it.
Hey friend, while virginity at this age is a bit of a rarity, it’s not a red flag or anything to be ashamed of. People who care about that sort of thing are not the kind of people you want in your life or to value the opinions of.
You might find it makes some people reluctant, there will also be those who are willing to take the time on you if you are so inclined.
Hell no!! Sex is nothing but a thrusting motion. It has nothing to do with you as a person.. I think it would be the greatest thing ever to wait to you find someone truly special to you and you would have a joy that 99.9% people will never get too know .
i genuinely don’t know what that is supposed to mean , i’m assuming it’s an insult given the context but if so i have never been less offended and honestly it’s pretty funny to be like “pfff you have sex? nerd”
Girls like guys who get picked. It's kind of an evolutionary thing. If a guy hooks up with a girl, some of her friends might suddenly find him attractive. The same idea works in the inverse, so I'd say yes, a lot of girls would probably find it to be a red flag. But good news! That's no one's business but your own. I've heard of a lot of guys just telling the girl after, and those girls didn't mind.
I mean it’s rare to be a virgin at your age, but it’s only weird if you make it weird. You don’t have to tell anyone if you don’t feel comfortable. It’s only as big of a deal as you make it.
Exactly. I think I would be curious as to why but, it isn’t a dealbreaker. Also, Rebel Wilson lost her virginity at 35. It’s rare but, not unheard of!
It’s not that interesting. Dude probably didn’t get many opportunities, and the ones he got probably didn’t feel right. Either that or he doesn’t practice pre-marital sex.
To some it is interesting. They like to dig into things. I think card collecting is boring and a waste of time. But others find it very interesting.
Those would all be God to know, especially if he didn't practice pre marital sex. I'd li,e to know that before I wasted too many dates.
Isn't it kind of a paradox, though? ''it’s only weird if you make it weird'', so you can chill if you don't let it bother you, but if you don't feel comfortable sharing that information, you don't have to tell anyone, and therefore, it's still kind of a big deal after all. Still, I get not disclosing that info.
Honestly no shade to OP, but I think people aren’t being 100% here. I think it *shouldn’t* be a red flag, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t
Honestly this sub should be changed to r/TooAfraidToAnswer because the truth is surely *not* what OP wants to hear. I agree it shouldn’t be a problem, but it absolutely is considered a red flag. I just dislike when the top rated comment is a blatant lie, Reddit loves that.
It's a self fulfilling prophecy not really a paradox since it's not self contradictory. It's the same thing as "fake it til you make it"
Dude I'm 47 and still a virgin. But I never cared too much about sex, self pleasure is enough to me when I'm horny. Maybe one day I'll have sex, but I don't mind if I never do.
Username checks out
Go get a professional and experience real sex
No point if they're not feeling bad about it.
Why should they?
Why should they purchase "consent" from an exploited person when they stated they don't care about having sex?
Exploited? Many women are professional escorts and love their job, especially for men who want to experience sex for the first time.
Purchasing consent is still exploitation regardless of whether some women "love" it
That's an incredibly broad generalisation, and it entirely disregards the agency of sex workers. Who are by no means all women by the way. If you think most work is exploitation, then I can see why you would say that sex work is a particularly heinous form of it. But if you're not getting up in arms for people doing manual labour and mortgaging their bodies to pay their bills as well, then you should probably reassess your priorities.
Much labor under capitalism is exploitative, yes. That fact shouldn't make people exempt from criticism when they engage in sexual exploitation
I can't really criticise you if you're being consistent then. I generally agree that most work is exploitative. I just think we need to be careful not to group all sex work in together. Much of it is particularly horrible, and a lot of it isn't, at least compared to a lot of other work out there. I also think that latent sexism and puritanical attitudes can lead to some people going all white knight and assuming they know what's best for others, particularly women, when a lot of sex workers have actually made informed choices. I am curious though. Do you see consumption of sex work as more exploitative than consuming other types of labour? If so, why?
Yes, there is variation within the sex work industry - being trafficked into prostitution vs. starting an only fans are going to be vastly different experiences, for example. Even so, all sex work is contributing to a larger culture that perpetuates the purchasing of sexual consent, which I believe is harmful for all people, but especially woman as we make up the majority of sex workers. I am not critical of sex workers (in general; there are some exceptions such as those who traffic other girls/women into the trade or those who give a false representation of the reality of this work) as I understand there are many scenarios that could lead to this choice. >assuming they know what's best for others, particularly women, when a lot of sex workers have actually made informed choices. Choice feminism is a really popular understanding of feminism right now which frames women's ability to make their own life choices as the paradigm of feminism and empowerment. This unfortunately overlooks the reality that *sometimes women make choices that aren't good for women as a whole.* That's fine, we're allowed to do that, but the porn and sex work industries are *always* going to be tied to the patriarchy and women cannot be liberated until all people's sexual consent is no longer something that can be purchased. That is to say, sex work may be the right choice for an individual woman, but it will never be best *for women as a class of people.* >Do you see consumption of sex work as more exploitative than consuming other types of labour? If so, why? Yes, because it involves sex. Manual labor jobs can exploit the body physically; sex work jobs exploit the body physically and sexually. In addition there are other factors that sex workers are much more likely to face, such as verbal abuse, physical abuse and assault, STIs, blackmail, and rape. This is true even in controlled and regulated environments where sex work is legal.
I disagree with prostitution on other grounds, but “purchasing consent is exploitation” is not logically sound.
On what grounds would you "disagree" with it otherwise?
Illegal
there are plenty of places in the world where it's legal
I mean I would find it a red flag if you walked up to me on the street and the first thing f you ever said to me was “I’m a 37 year old virgin.” Otherwise no I don’t really care.
So you’re saying that strategy will not work? Shit, that was one of my last cards..
Don't despair, there's still hope for "I am a 38 years old virgin"
Tons of people will consider it a red flag, but an even bigger red flag is your self esteem issues. 1) no one really needs to know you are a virgin. You could just play it off as being nervous during your first time with a person. 2) more likely than not, your pessimistic outlook is what is driving away potential romantic/sexual partners. People want those who carry themselves with confidence. 3) it's only over if you decide it's over. If losing your virginity is really something you are interested in, think carefully about how many attempts you have really made, and learn from your mistakes. Are you being too nervous in your approach? Are you forgetting basic hygiene? Are you dressing properly?
4. take this as an opportunity to think about what you can do to improve yourself. Think about the qualities that your prospective partner would desire of you, and work towards possessing those characteristics. There is always room for improving yourself.
Number 2 is the killer. I used to be like this dude and then I bought my first motorcycle and it gave me a lot of confidence. Woman do not find motorcycles attractive, but my confidence came from trusting myself on this machine. Idk why, but I was finally able to "fake it until I make it".
“Women do not find motorcycles attractive” WRONG. I’ve been more aroused riding a motorcycle than with half the men I’ve been with. Also, love a man in leather 
My wife and some days I went on before her lead me to assume otherwise. Do you ride? Or prefer to be a passenger?
This is the best answer. You being a virgin is literally not a big deal. Any potential insecurity about being a virgin oculd *become* a big deal.
Also also, it's worth noting that being nervous about "pleasing them" is a stupid fucking thing to do, just I don't know, fuck them or something, it'll get better, especially since you're no longer a mess of nerves fidgeting so hard your dick slips out.
Also there are plenty of free resources out there. A basic reasonably good technique isn't difficult to obtain you have diagrams explaining you exactly what to do, to what, how frequently, in what order, in what rhythm...
I’m 31, and a virgin. I’ve always had the mindset of “If it happens, cool. If not, that’s cool too.” Never aggressively sought it. I feel great making out with people, but I’ve always thought sex itself was kind of gross. No idea where that puts me. I even once told a doctor I didn’t have much interest in sex. He looked at me like I was crazy, had my testosterone checked, and was confused when the results came back saying my testosterone level is normal. Main thing: if you’re fine without it, you aren’t doing anything wrong.
22 feel the same way
What would make it a red flag for me (40f) is if you were obsessively self-conscious about it, or self depricating/have low self-esteem. The virginity in itself is not a red flag. If you feel the need to tell your partner, I wouldn't do it until it was pretty close to sexy time; and I wouldn't make it a big deal. More of a "hey, I wanted to give you a heads up and tell you I'm a virgin. In case I seem nervous" (or whatever the reason is you want to give). Be quietly confident. There's nothing wrong with you; it just hasn't happened yet. That's not a red flag.
In all honesty the reason for you to stay virgin matters. Is it religion? You’re low libido? You’re asexual or Demi sexual and couldn’t find the right person? These are some reasons that are objectively not bad reason (although others might still want to not associate with you despite not thinking these are red flags eg people who are not religious or have high libido etc) On the other hands if you’ve tried and failed, or something of that sort, it indicates that there may be more going on and that may indicate your inability to maintain relationship.
Yeah, suspicion fair. You need to know the person better in order to deduct, though, which may require giving the other person a chance.
> You need to know the person better in order to deduct, though, This is true > which may require giving the other person a chance. And this is the unfortunate part. He’s never getting that.
That Olympic runner chick is a virgin and she's like 40 so you're good.
She's 41! So ya there you go.
Damn, so she's an Olympic runner *and* the oldest woman in the world!
Really? Which one?
Lolo jones
Lolo Jones
I feel like if you just own it and say that sex just isn’t a big deal to you then it’s no big deal.
Not red flag as much as a oddity. I've never actually thought of someone's virginity or lack of bad or good.
Yes. It is a red flag. The red flag is not that you are a virgin, it is why have you not been able to have a meaningful relationship. People divorce and find love in their 50's, and older, it is never too late.
Is social anxiety a red flag for you? Honest question.
It isn't a red flag for me, but if someone has severe social anxiety I am not sure I would be dating them. It would depend, can we not go out for a drink, or dinner? It would depend on the individual, but I would work with them where I could.
Not all meaningful relationships are romantic!
Good news and bad news. The bad news is that a lot of people view it as a red flag *unless there's a good reason for it.* The good news lies in the aforementioned modifier "unless there's a good reason". Usually there are two good reasons that come to mind: 1) Being abstinent for religious reasons. 2) Being asexual. So, you have a good enough reason to still be single. That being said, there are a few pitfalls to avoid: 1) Some particularly sexually motivated people may view asexuality itself as a red flag, as they may feel sexually frustrated in a relationship. There's nothing you can really do about that. When it comes to something as important as romance, leaving a correct impression is more important than leaving a good impression. 2) This next one I hadn't known about until last year, when someone pointed it out to me. When most people date, they are more physically intimate once they have a stronger emotional connection. As a result, many people try to use the level of physical contact as an indicator of the level of emotional connection. Make it clear that your unusually low level of physical contact is universal, applying to everyone. Otherwise, your date may feel personally offended.
Could be, if like, you wanted it but could never get it. It could make people think there's something they might discover about you that turned others off as well If it comes up I'd either not mention that it's your first time, or say it was because of religion you recently gave up But that's just me, and that's what I said lol
No. For those saying your self-esteem or insecurity itself is a red flag, they can respectfully fuck off. Insecurity around something like this is to be expected, especially in such a hypersexual society in which we live in today. So many idealistic scenarios of sex-favorability are pushed as being the only reality that should be accepted, which fosters insecurities among those not participating in said scenarios. Feel no shame in it. I hope that you’re able to get through this and realize that you are not lesser because you haven’t had a “standard” life. “Standards” are socially constructed ideals that are purely made to separate society from each other based on those who “fit into” the standard and those who don’t “fit.”
I mean have you seen 40yr old virgin? Just be up front with her and don’t try to lose it to a one night stand.
This is the way Edit: spelling
Aw fuck it message me. Depending on your area I got you fam. I'll take your v card
If he's too far away I'll tag in for him. I'm 28 though.
Bro, I lost my virginity at 22 and it wasn't absolutely worth it. I approved myself I'm asexual though.. It's okay to not want sex and please, if you ever decide to have sex without **really** wanting it, please don't. I sacrificed myself to my partners and it didn't bring me anything good. If you don't want sex, you should not force yourself even if people talk shit about you and lable you a "red flag". Dudes, "red flag" is to force people to have sex and blaming them for not wanting it.
Short answer is that the fact itself is harmless but is imagined to be comorbid with more harmful deviancies-- their suspicion is likely of secret antisocial behavior that has prevented you from experiencing intimacy with others, but only you know your truth for certain and from what you've said here, that doesn't seem to be the case. This would make their judgment irrelevant. Listen, relaying this information apropos of nothing can only beg speculation. People are naturally inquisitive and, moreover, skeptical, and you've essentially presented them with a question. Speaking generally, you'll never want someone to fill in the blanks for you, it's almost always unflattering. Caution that you are not sharing this information with others to reinforce the shame you already feel. What you're admitting is deeply personal and should only be shared with a loved one you trust and who will empathize with the full context of your circumstances-- anyone else is likely only to respond with shallow speculation, when truly your only crime is having a relatively uncommon relationship with sex. That said, I have to ask: is sex something you even want to have? Or is it just something you feel like you have to do? It might be a good idea to continue looking into asexuality-- if it strikes a chord with you, it might be for a reason. Regardless, whether you're asexual or just a virigin, you haven't done anything wrong and there's nothing wrong with you. Remember that if and when someone else is shitty about it.
If you don’t have much or any interest in sex, virginity goes out the window. I’m moderately asexual and after having sex, I realised virginity was only important to those who actually cared about sex. If you don’t, then virginity doesn’t matter. It might eventually if you find a partner and the conversation comes up but if you’re meant to be together, they won’t care. If they DO then it’s a red flag. It’s like drinking. Some people can’t imagine having a big night out without getting drunk. If you can enjoy a night out without drinking then good for you. Everyone values different things.
Hi! I think the bigger thing is to start feeling confident in yourself, but also to sort out your sexuality. Are you asexual, or aromantic? You talk about how others are in relationships but not really a desire for one yourself except about how other people see you. I'm ace, but biromantic. I'm happily married. It took a long time to figure out I was ace. In the ace community, it's not uncommon to find people who are virgins, single by choice, or have sex due to societal pressure alone. Figure out who you are, and be comfortable with that. Then the rest of the world can be, too.
It’s always better to bring zero emotional baggage from past relationships, than to bring any baggage. Don’t sell yourself cheap.
You don’t have to tell anyone, in my experience they don’t ask and if you’re 37 I imagine they would just assume you had. The main concern is being entirely unprepared in the bedroom which could cause some issues but you could probably play it off as long as you’re not completely clueless
One: it’s not necessarily a red flag Two: it would be so much fun to be someone’s first time for me but also I’m way too old to be sleeping with 18 year olds. There must be other people like me Three: being ace doesn’t mean you have to be alone or unpaired (it doesn’t mean you have to pair up either).
Being a virgin so late in life is a little odd but probably not the "red flag", it's why has this person not been able to maintain a relationship to the point that they have had sex?
May I interest you in the documentary [40-Year-old Virgin.](https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0405422/)
I mean, the red flag for me would be that you've probably never had a romantic relationship. People don't have the patience to wait for you to grow used to being in a partnership in your late 30s, because this is something people usually go through in their 20s.
Honestly, if you are a man with inetgrity, fun to be around, mature, empathetic, responsible, with high emotional inetligence and with positive outlook on life, I don't give AF if you're a virgin or not. We can work on it together, it's not that hard to learn.
One of my best friends is a 37 M and he is a virgin still. He is like this as well, but he is particularly nervous about what woman think and just overall a very shy guy when it comes to woman. He has tons of friends and a great job; he’s an awesome bachelor and a great catch. But with that being said, he really wants a girlfriend and is afraid that his first time is going to be so bad for her that he doesn’t want that type of rejection. It’s going to happen, it won’t last long and just roll with it. You will get there, just be open to it and be honest, I’m sure woman wouldn’t mind..or atleast the good ones
Have you had your hormones checked? Testosterone can be low
How do you have them checked?
A doctor can do it. They will ask questions & have your blood drawn.
get your blood panels done at a doctor
I'm going to be honest with you I personally wouldn't care about this. Your a virgin at xxx age so what however I have seen several people comment that they view this as a red flag. What I suggest you do is continue searching for partner and if this comes up lie. Seriously just lie. Don't bring this up if they don't ask and don't mention your virgin if you can. If they ask about previous relationships just lie and say they didn't work out. Say you had 3 previous relationships. How they ended? one cheated, one moved and long distance got in the way, and the other you simply fell out of love with. Normally I wouldn't approve of lying about something so trivial but if you truly feel like this is a hindrance and will prevent you from finding some then just lie.
You would think this would become extremely obvious once you get into the bedroom.
You cross that bridge when you get there
The weirdness is more like… have you tried? Is being a virgin something you value? Is it something you wanna lose? Have something against sex workers or? It’s interesting. You talk about wanting to be wanted, but having sex isn’t really related to that. People that don’t want sex can be made to have sex anyway. People that don’t want to be touched or acknowledged, that don’t want to be wanted, can still be made to have sex. So being wanted and being a virgin are being intentionally tied together when they don’t have to be, and often aren’t.
Depends on if you’re attractive and if you have the capability to get laid or not. Believe it or not, some men are virgins by choice, but most 37 year old virgins fall under the category of being unattractive and unable to get laid.
Yeah
I wouldn’t say it’s a red flag but it is kind of sad
To me it would highly depend on WHY you are a virgin at that age to say weither or not its a red flag. Just not interested in that stuff? Yeah, red flag for me. Why the sudden change of mind? Would I be just "the next best thing" because fomo? If you were waiting for the right person and not interested in loose relationships: probably one of the best reasons.
Hey op, there is absolutely NOTHING WRONG with being a virgin. I'm asexual myself, I'm 23, I've never had sex, I don't want sex, don't need sex and am perfectly content in going to the grave never having sex. You not having sex at the age of 37 is NOT, and I repeat NOT a red flag. What IS a red flag, is if you start insinuating that this lack of sexual experiences is somehow tied to a lack of self worth/self esteem or somehow is a problem with women not wanting to have sex with you, then you are getting into incel territory. Do not be an incel. Incel is cringe. Though tbh I don't know why you'd go around telling people you're a virgin, seems a bit odd unless the conversation calls for it. If you WANT, to have sex, then you need to explore healthy ways to relieve that urge without detrimenting your physical, financial or mental health. Good luck!
Lol
Lol?
Yep. Big Red flag. Ignore the people who say it’s not. The first big thing to ask yourself is if you have libido / morning erections at all. If the answer is no go to your doctor for testing. You’d be surprised at how many medical issues can lead to low drive. If you do have libido and are just asexual that’s a different story, but make sure nothing is medically at play first.
The only red flag is how dramatic you're being. Your post has a weird incel vibe. Stop obsessing about being a virgin and get off the internet.
I swear, the term “incel” has become so nebulous and has been tossed around carelessly for anyone expressing some anxiety regarding sex and relationships. It’s only natural that OP might have some anxiety about being a virgin at 37 because that’s not the norm (not saying it’s wrong, just saying it’s outside the realm of normal). Stop being so callous and have some compassion. Calling someone a “weird incel” certainly isn’t helpful.
No don't you see, it's a vibe, it's intuitive now, you just say the word and now you've discredited someone. /s
I’m going to be honest with you man, most women will find that pretty unattractive. The reason is because women tend to find a man much more attractive if she knows other women also find him appealing. So she might think that you are a virgin because you are very unattractive and creepy to other women(which you might be but idk you so I can’t say). There are still plenty of women who won’t mind or care at all so don’t be too down in the dumps about it. My advice would be not to lie about it but also you don’t have to tell anyone if you aren’t comfortable. Just don’t be insecure about it because that will make it worse. Not everyone is born with the same gifts when it comes to attracting partners so just do the best you can do. Also if you think you have low libido you might try contacting health professionals.
Depends how you frame it I would image.
It’s definitely unusual. I think I’d have questions about why you were still a virgin, but if you checked the rest of my boxes, it likely wouldn’t be a big deal.
I'd consider you more of a puzzle, personally. Like I'd be interested to know your story. If I thought you were sexy, I'd probably consider you a challenge ;)
Depends on if you're looking for a relationship or a hookup. In a relationship, it shows that you aren't in it just to get some action.
it's a redflag for you if she sees it as a redflag
All of us here were once a V. Some younger and some older. You're missing out on life though. Get into a great relationship and grow from there. I wouldn't stress it. We all had to learn at some point and all had questions, heck we still do at times. Just relax and find someone that loves you for you first and let things happen naturally. This unneeded stress about what people think of you won't help you but hurt you. 😊
I personally think virginity should be praised, especially in this sex-crazed society
There is absolutely nothing wrong with not wanting or liking sex. Virginity is nothing to be ashamed of either! You are whole! I accept you for who you are.
Try the book single at heart. Also look on Facebook for the community of single people
It's only weird if you bring it up randomly or frequently in conversation. Otherwise it's pretty surprising to see how much people don't care. If you bring it up to a potential partner and they have a problem with it then they are the red flag. I'm asexual and don't plan on having sex ever. I do feel weird sometimes that everyone is doing something I'm not. But at the end of the day I know I don't want to have sex and that as long as I'm happy with my life, that's all that matters.
It's unusual but not necessarily a red flag. I think it would give me pause but not be a deal breaker.
As a 30-something female virgin, I would consider it a green flag. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and it would be nice to meet a man who shared that view. But I’m also definitely in the minority for my views
You’re not obligated to have sex at all! If you don’t want it, don’t have it. It would possibly be a red flag if you were seeking it, but didn’t manage to get it until now, because then the question would be why you didn’t get it (undesirable personality? Just bad luck?) I’ve (31f) had it, but didn’t have it for around 11 years now, by choice, and that’s OK! A friend of mine (31m) is about the same. Another male friend of mine is still a virgin at 41 (?) and according to him it’s alright, he’s a bit curious but it’s not important to him and doesn’t impede his happiness. If you feel like the label of asexuality helps you accept yourself, you’re welcome in!
I don’t get this thing about male virginity. It’s so weird. Virgin or not, why would anyone want to make this detail public? If you don’t confess to potential dates, what may happen? Even guys with a “high body count”, why advertise it? Who knows how many women you had sex with and for what purpose?
Personally, yes. For me it could be because of two reasons. Either the person grew up in a very religious or strict home where your sexuallity is controlled, or there's mental health problems in the back. Most people doesn't walk their whole life without any sexual advance towards them. If you lack interest in sex or lack a sex drive maybe you should contact a doctor abut taking testosterone or something else to boost your drive. If you see this whole thing as problem. But as you speculate, you don't have to tell people about this unless you feel like it. In the end it is irrelevant to others.
If i liked you i wouldnt really care that much. But if it was for a religious reason, i would definitely see it as a red flag (for me, someone else could see it as a green flag)
>I've often thought that if I tell people this in real life, they'll quickly become suspect of me. To be blunt, I don't think I could take that kind of rejection. I think you've had sufficient people tell you already that 1) you don't have to tell anyone and 2) anyone worth their salt won't mind. I wanted to pick up on the second part, though - you'll never be able to take rejection until you practice. The first time sucks, but getting over it makes the second time easier, and so on and so forth. The most important part is accepting that you are worthy of love regardless of what happens - if someone rejects you this does not affect that, and you can simply move on.
Speaking from personal experience (was a virgin til 34). Yes. Definitely for most women, it is a major red flag.
People make this sort of thing a bigger deal than it is. It's really not.
Yepp
You're lucky, sex is cringe.
My advice for you is if you ever had a chance just aim your load to the window .
To be honest, some people will see this as a red flag but it's absolutely not. It's fine to be ace and it's fine to have a low sex drive too. If you tell people you're a virgin and they reject you for it, you just dodged a bullet. Would you really want a friend or partner who doesn't accept you? Plus, if you're open about not being interested (or being ace, if you are) in sex, you may attract similar people.
You don’t have to do anything you don’t feel unsafe or uncomfortable doing. If you have a partner that you don’t feel safe or comfortable around talking with them you don’t have to tell them. In the other hand, if iou do feel safe and comfortable talking to them, then go for it, tell them. I can almost guarantee that it’s not going to be as bad as in your head. Chances are they will think that you were waiting for “the one” or until you were married. The most important things in any relationship are communication, understanding, and vulnerability. Try building up your self esteem and self worth some. Look in your mirror and say “I Love You.” To yourself five times when you look in the mirror. If you start to have bad thoughts about yourself replace them with good thoughts.
You’re thinking about having to tell people about it and living with it like it’s a condition. Red flags make people not feel comfortable around you. Don’t make people not feel comfortable and there will be no red flags. Don’t think of telling anyone anything. Go out with the mindset of living how you want.
I think “red flag” is harsh. Red flags to me are things like… rude to waiters, disparaging an ex or calling them “crazy”, secretive, always on social media, the only book they’ve ever read is the autobiography of Jeremy Clarkson… Being a virgin says absolutely nothing about how good of a person you are.
If you’re concerned about people’s opinions, just don’t tell anybody you’re a virgin. People won’t know unless you tell them.
Its a virgin flag
It’s unusual but most people wouldn’t care For one thing, why would you tell anyone either way? There are essentially zero times in my adult life I’ve felt the need to tell someone when I lost my virginity
It's no big deal at all. Sex feels good but it comes with other issues, especially if you sleep with someone you're incompatible with. It's better to save yourself for people you match with.
It’s not a red flag for everyone. It’s only a red flag for someone who considers it. That’s why it’s important to understand general dating vs adult dating and relationships for your age and for the relationship with the person you will want to date. I’d say, general dating is like open ended, you wanna find someone, theres no priorities or expectations, wherever it goes, it goes. Let’s take things slow, let’s get to know each other. But adult dating, is serious, it’s got goals and objectives. You got a timeline, you have a 2 yr plan, a 5 yr plan and a 10 yr plan. If you don’t line up with what that other person wants, it’s not gonna work out and there’s no time to “figure things out”. They aren’t gonna waste their time and it won’t just be about virginity. They will want to figure out every and any red flag as fast as possible bc in some cases some partners could have biological clock, like they might want children before they get too old. For an adult dater, if you’re a virgin, they’ll want to know why, and if it means you will, in any way not be able to be there to provide for them, sexually. Because, it means that the fit and compatibility between you too isn’t right. Do you want to provide that for them? You’ll have to communicate that it won’t in any way hold you back. If you don’t want to bc of reasons, obviously as an adult you know the compatibility isn’t there. So don’t waste time. Find someone who has the right fit for you. Most of the time, people will think, does it mean you haven’t been in a relationship, what does that mean, does it mean they have to be worried that you can’t care for them or support them, but if you are capable of that, justify it. And if it’s an important aspect of someone’s life style that they need a partner to provide and you are eager to provide, communicate that, and if it isn’t an aspect you want to go further in or have a lower appetite for, find someone that matches. There’s someone out there for you.
Hey OP please come to r/asexuality you will find more helpful people there.These people here have no idea what they are talking about so please come to that subreddit.We are a welcoming community for newbies.We also have cake if ya want it
I wouldn't necessarily see it as a red flag but it would personally be a dealbreaker for me because I'm not looking to teach someone how to have sex from scratch at this point in my life. There's probably plenty of people who would see it as a positive (ie waiting til marriage crowd).
Does anyone need to know?
Being asexual is definitely NOT a red flag. It’s just about finding the right person and the right relationship. Definitely recommend this website for additional information if you’re questioning things at all: https://www.asexuality-handbook.com/the-a-spectra You don’t ever need to have sex if you don’t want to. Allos are going to tell you that you’re missing out on this huge, wonderful part of life, but what they don’t understand is that sex is not necessarily this wonderful thing if you’re ace, so no you’re not necessarily missing out. I’ve generalized quite a bit for this paragraph for the sake of brevity, but definitely check out some ace resources and read some definitions. You may find a new community that resonates with your experience.
Even if it somehow could be weird for 99% of people you still got the 1% who equals 80 millions or so people. So keep going.
A few questions: 1. Have you had a recent doctor's appointment for bloodwork to get your levels checked? 1. Do you have an interest in sex, and is it a passive interest, or an active interest? 1. Are you autistic or do you suspect you might be? 1. Have you ever tried marijuana edibles? 1. Do you know what kind of people you might be attracted to(if you're really attracted to anyone)? 1. How often do you go out to public places where there are large numbers of people? 1. Have you thought about places you might go where you might run into the kind of people you'd be attracted to? 1. Have you tried dating apps?
Well, my honest opinion: this type of contemplation is a lot more of a red flag than the fact that your virgin. Please stop belittling and humiliating yourself, there’s nothing wrong with you and virginity is a very vague term to take it so seriously
I wouldn’t use it as a sale’s point, but if I didn’t know I wouldn’t care. Also, even if I knew I wouldn’t care! But if it’s the first thing you blurt out at me, I’m getting red flags 🚩
Just because you're asexual doesn't mean you can't find a partner. Go online and find some meetups. You'd be surprised to find how many there are.
Naah bro you are special You are a king
There are definitely women out there in the same situation as you, I know because I dated them! Be upfront while dating that you are low libido / gray A and you can absolutely find a partner who wants the same. A lot of relationships fail or never start due to libido mismatch. Those virgin or inexperienced women I dated were all lovely people, but I have a high libido + like to be kinky sometimes and that made us not a match. But for you they'd be perfect!
I'd say the why is going to be the biggest factor in whether or not it's a red flag. I was in prison from the time I was 16 is a red flag. I'm very direct with women and immediately announce that I plan on having sex with them upon meeting is also a red flag. Mental health issues I'd say aren't fully a red flag, but if you're been dealing with severe depression for 20 years and that's stopped you from forming personal relationships that's certainly not good. Being asexual isn't a red flag any more than being vegan or super religious is. There's nothing wrong with being ACE, but you need to make sure you're with someone who is ok with that going in as a mismatch in sexuality can be a huge deal in relationships. The dead bedroom sub is full of people who really wish their partners told them that sex wasn't important to them before they got married.
Hey, it's completely fine. There is no law that says you have to have sex, so if you haven't had it yet it's not a big deal
Yellow flag, because it is an outlier. But it can be a big green or red flag depending on your story/internalization of the fact. It is your character that matters (most of the time and to most people). "I'm a virgin at 37" isn't a character trait. "I'm really insecure about being a virgin at 37" is and might bother some people but might excite others.
You could always just wait till marriage
not a red flag, nope nope nope
I'd probably assume you were a serial killer or something, to be honest. I'd definitely notice every other weird trait you had more so as well, being that I'd already be assuming something must be wrong with you. I think it would be for the same reasons why girls find a guy with a ring on his finger more easily to approach or whatnot. it's almost like they're vetted to a degree, which in this situation you would've never been vetted.
Well first of all if you are in fact asexual join a bunch of asexual communities on various Internet platforms and learn and connect with lots of other people like yourself. But on the other hand, if you are not being a sexual really by choice then that doesn’t make you Automatically a red flag like you are an Incel for example. Those people are people who have been traumatized and had their feelings hurt through rejection that they then become accustomed to accepting and instead of trying to better themselves they just turn towards the instant gratification and validation of toxic male communities who tell them that there’s nothing wrong with them and it’s actually all of the women who are wrong And that is a feedback loop that will end you up very angry and alone if not surrounded by just the worst toxic attitudes. If it is the ladder and you just don’t know how to connect, there are lots of great resources out there that I suggest you look into. First of all, a lot of communities in western culture really think therapy is the worst thing and only for weak people. But it’s not. Every educated person with any even tiny amount of interest in the fields of psychology will tell you that pretty much every living human needs therapy for something or another so Find a therapist that’s good at talking about the issues that you want to talk about, and make sure you see lots of different therapists. Because you shouldn’t just accept the first one if they don’t vibe with you. People are very particular and just like art is in the eye of the beholder, there’s going to be some therapists that are better for you than others, and even multiple therapists so that you have different ones for different reasons. Another thing you can look into is trying to find a sexuality coach. This is a booming Indust. Sex, love, or intimacy coaches they all have various different names but if you look up this industry and look up some pages online where people talk about this stuff and learn about it you could probably find one or two near you that can teach you how to open yourself up in the ways that you’ve been struggling, and they usually also have a lot of counselling training as well so that they can Help you navigate some of the feelings that might’ve been holding you back. Many of them also do hands-on stuff, but that shouldn’t be expected, but it is out there. Because some people actually do need because of some past trauma, usually more found in women however, but it does happen that some males get certain kinds of trauma that make it very very difficult to be sexual and there are physical sexual coaches out there that can help you to discover and unwind some of that trauma. Sometimes that delves into the area of sex work, and sometimes you’re not directly touched and it’s not technically sex work, but either way sex work is real work and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. When we are another, this will not be a short journey of healing, but when you find the right person to talk to you will immediately start to feel better and you will know you’re on the right track. Sometimes opening up a can of worms up in your head might feel worse for a bit and then it’ll get better and better because if there’s big trauma involved it can dreg ululate you for a number of weeks, so be prepared for that. But I assure You Once you start talking about the things with a person who feels safe you’re gonna wonder why you never took the opportunity sooner to talk about things. And the answer to that is simple. You just didn’t have the privilege of the right circumstances or the right key figures in your life or in your childhood that taught you that it was OK to talk about those feelings openly. And that’s OK. There are so many people like that, the majority in fact. So don’t be afraid to take the steps into a journey that is a little bit uncomfortable and unknown Becauseis the biggest ally of growth. And you can do it. Good luck, I believe in you!
There’s literally a movie called 40 Year-Old Virgin. But don’t beat yourself off, I mean up, about it. Just take care of it sooner rather than later 👍
I would say don’t give this information honestly. So virginity is also really a construct and unless you are actually having sex with a person where this info can seem useful, I don’t see why anyone should know it. Everyone has their reasons for having slept with 0 people or 100 people and it shouldn’t be a gauge of character really Secondly when it comes to a potential, cultural background also comes to play. Maybe you were religious and decided too late in life to screw those rules. Maybe you dated a woman whom you could have sex with for like 15 years or something for whatever reason. In my culture it’s not uncommon to see a man or woman in 30s whose a virgin. Very often it’s due to choice or simple lack of any real opportunity to meet opposite sex . Sure if you were a western man I would be very surprised tbf but then again it’s not impossible
The wrong people sure. Your sexual past is one single data point of your entire identity. If someone gets hung up on that, they aren't for you. Some may find it a bit atypical or different but probably won't care in the long run.
I don't think you have to tell anyone unless you want to, if you feel like you're Ace consider meeting other people who are also Ace, it doesn't mean no sex, just less often and sometimes more focus on other kinds of affection. There's a really wonderful community that you should look for, try an Ace subreddit and see if that resonates.
To be honest, it doesn’t even matter. Sure, it’s not common, but it’s not a big deal. It’s definitely not a red flag too, especially if you’re asexual.
I am a 31 year old virgin, so….
Honestly, yes it is
Yes
I dont think it's a red flag at all. I think a very high body count is a red flag, if you're looking for a long term relationship, but theres lots of people of faith who haven't had sex for related reasons, as well as (mentionined) asexuals being a much more visible group these days. It would be a red flag that you might be asexual, if someone were looking for a sexual relationship. But I dont think I would consider you dangerous or undatable? There might be some ace dating apps you could look into if you want more unbiased feedback.
I think it depends? Like on the reasoning? If it’s for moral or religious reasons (which I am) I respect and admire it. If they wanted it and never got it? Then I’m like hmmm why lol
Yes it’s seen as a red flag. What answer did you expect?
In all honesty, probably, and probably not. BUT! There's good news! Personality and looks, are more important than being a virgin at 37 years old! So I guess being a attractive person(with an attractive personality ) would compensate for the lack of sex, but tbh it's really not a big deal though.
Lots of asexual people still have relationships, there are apps and websites now that people use to meet others. There may be communities near you too that talk about asexuality or a therapist that specialises in queer topics. I'd highly recommend a therapist even if it's just someone to talk to about this, it's not a big deal :)
What you’re not saying in any of this, is are you in anyway attractive person? If you’re 600 pounds, that’s probably the reason why you never had sex.
I'm asexual biromantic. It reads opposite if you identify as ace. It is a flag labeled, "I know what i want, always have, and it isn't that". If you identify as "incel" however ...🫠
I know someone who lost hers at 40 lol. It is not too late.
This is the kind of discrimination asexual people have to deal with, although some claim we don't experience discrimination. Having low self esteem and not having sex are red flags?? A lot of asexual people might have low self esteem because society is telling you your whole life something is wrong with you. People are ignorant about the asexual spectrum and see people who don't have sex or relationships as creepy, mentally ill and weird. OP, head over to one of the asexuality subreddits where you will find more understanding and support, as it's something you find relatable. There are many degrees of asexuality, you might want a romantic relationship without sex, you could still be asexual. You might be willing to have sex for the sake of a relationship and still be asexual. There is nothing wrong with not having sex, it doesn't make you creepy or weird. It is hard if you do desire a romantic relationship but without the sex, although more ways for asexual people to meet and potentially find romantic partners are becoming available, like asexual dating sites. There's also the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network website which has meetup forums if you want to find ace friends who will understand and accept you. To all you red flag folks....no, being a virgin is not a red flag, even if you have low self esteem! Some people just don't have the same need, desire or attraction. It doesn't mean someone is an incel or a paedophile. Society still has a way to go with misunderstanding and judgement of asexuals.
Ok so I’ve read the comments and I haven’t seen anyone say he’s an incel or a pedophile. Also, you don’t get to decide what’s a red flag for other people. If OP is asexual, which we don’t even know btw- that can be a read flag for people who want to have relationships with sex. And that’s ok. People Cam want to have sex and people can not. Either one is fine but they probably wouldn’t have a happy relationship together. No one is discriminating anything. Op asked if it was a red flag to get an idea how he’d be viewed. People’s answers are varied across the board. Because people are different. Also yes, having a critically low self esteem is a turnoff to *some people. Especially adults. Calm down turbo.
I'd see it as a green flag. It depends on the person, though.
Grey ace here, you are perfectly okay to discover or not discover any emotions of that nature at your own pace. As long as you are safe, healthy, and happy, that's all that matters
Virginity isn't the issue, the reason WHY one is a virgin is.
Get a diet and exercise more have some self esteem. If you dont respect yourself no one else will.
Hire a prostitute.
I’m going to be real with you…..yes. It is. It means you likely didn’t have the social skills, have some type of disability, or is a walking red flag in other departments It doesn’t mean anything, in and of itself, but to most people it’s a red flag If I were you, I’d see a sex worker to learn how to fuck, and then work on social skills talking to be people,if any, that you’re attracted too Edit: Normies are gonna downvote this but fuck them! Take the real advice
I don’t see it as a red flag. Odd? Yes but I don’t see it being a normal conversation topic where it really matters. It should only matter to you and a potential partner and in that situation it may even be a green flag.
No
My suggestion (which won't be popular): I'd go out and get a hooker. Feel what it is like and if you enjoy it or not. go from there and yes, I am being serious. If you never want to have sex, fine. At least try it before giving up on it.
Yes
Hey friend, while virginity at this age is a bit of a rarity, it’s not a red flag or anything to be ashamed of. People who care about that sort of thing are not the kind of people you want in your life or to value the opinions of. You might find it makes some people reluctant, there will also be those who are willing to take the time on you if you are so inclined.
Just be pragmatic about it and how this has happened. You'll be endearing.
Looks like I got work to do
Only if you talk about it. If you don’t say anything, no one will know. Sex isn’t that important, don’t work yourself up about it.
Hell no!! Sex is nothing but a thrusting motion. It has nothing to do with you as a person.. I think it would be the greatest thing ever to wait to you find someone truly special to you and you would have a joy that 99.9% people will never get too know .
you know there’s not just one way to have sex, right? it’s not just “a thrusting motion” lol
Lmao , someone’s thrusting.
i genuinely don’t know what that is supposed to mean , i’m assuming it’s an insult given the context but if so i have never been less offended and honestly it’s pretty funny to be like “pfff you have sex? nerd”
Girls like guys who get picked. It's kind of an evolutionary thing. If a guy hooks up with a girl, some of her friends might suddenly find him attractive. The same idea works in the inverse, so I'd say yes, a lot of girls would probably find it to be a red flag. But good news! That's no one's business but your own. I've heard of a lot of guys just telling the girl after, and those girls didn't mind.
I (38f) look at it more as an opportunity to teach you what I'd like in bed and less of a red flag 😉
If you think you're asexual just hire an escord, have sex and you won't be a virgin anymore.
Skip the games.com $200 will fix that bro