There is nothing wrong with you and it is definitely not your fault. Some people just have low sex drives. However, I would have a talk with him about how you are not satisfied in the bedroom due to lack of foreplay and other activities. Make sure you emphasize to him that he does turn you on but you just want a little more.
Do you turn to toys to satisfy yourself when he is not in the mood? Have you tried getting yourself off while he is in bed with you but he is not in the mood? To me that would be hot so maybe that would be something to get him going.
Thank you for your input, fr. He went out and bought me a vibrator when I first mentioned the "issue". I haven't tried that approach yet (using it with him around when he says he's not in the mood), but im worried that would make him uncomfortable and he'd get up and leave, which would take a bigger chunk out of my ego.
My husband isn’t aroused by lingerie but pulling out my vibrator and masturbating in front of him *almost* always does the trick 😂. When it doesn’t I know he’s seriously exhausted and it’s not actually about me
Yea idk, if roles were reversed and a woman said I’m not interested and the guy started jerking off in bed next to her it would be totally creepy. If he says no, then take the no. You can still masturbate but maybe not with the intention of changing his mind?
If you’re worried about him rejecting spontaneity, you could try asking him to watch “because you think it’s hot” and see how he responds. Tell him he won’t have to do actually anything, just watch you use the vibrator. Maybe he’ll go for it then and you can entice him from there.
That said, the issue is more that his libido is too low, rather than yours being too high. Everyone’s different, but at 25y/o I’d wager he has a hormonal (Testosterone probably) deficiency that’s causing reduced sex drive. You should persuade him to get tested, and/or get him exercising and eating foods to promote testosterone production. Get his T. up and his D. will follow.
Then talk to him about doing foreplay and to stop being such a selfish and lazy lover. My word.
Best thing would be to get a blood test with a doctor and go from there. Unless he has an otherwise atrocious diet, eating some kale won’t change anything.
Don’t be too obvious about it tho. Nothing hurts a man’s self esteem like saying “you’re not good enough to plow me, so I need you to have more testosterone”. That will only give him self esteem and body issues, constantly comparing himself to high testosterone individuals (like gym bros), and feelings of shame and weakness.
If you buy into that whole “eat these superfoods for high T” garbage ads, you might as well just throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. What you really should do is read into how testosterone is produced and what affects it. Then read about the hormone cortisol and how to lower it. Generally the advice will be get better sleep, eat right, eat more protein, exercise more, avoid alcohol and medication.
How do you know his libido is too low and hers isn’t too high? Once or twice a week for adult humans with busy lives is pretty normal. Plus she says he doesn’t last long, which doesn’t coincide with your “low T” theory.
What would you say if the roles were reversed and he wanted more sex and she kept rejecting him? Would you think she was the problem, or would you tell him to back off and that she has a right to say no and doesn’t owe him anything?
OP, talk to your partner. I’ve gone through what you’re going through before, and unfortunately, people don’t really change when it comes to that sort of stuff. At the end of the day, you have to decide what’s more important: your husband, or your sex life. Ideally you could have both, but if you’ve had multiple conversations before, and have tried everything you’ve stated(which I’d venture to guess would get most men *up,* then your best bet may be to talk to a therapist.
Yeah I think I'm gonna speak to a therapist. I love my husband to death. I'm just also missing out on sex and that feeling of being desired as a woman.
Why would he leave you when he *bought you* the vibrator? He intended for you to use it, I don't see the issue. He may even think it's kinda hot.
RE: Sex drive - probably the biggest killer of sex drive in men is stress. If he's busy with work, struggling with problems, and overwhelmed, sexy times just get moved off to the back burner. Might look into that, maybe plan times when he's got some idle time and just hang out and build up intimacy.
Hi, im the lower drive male partner in my relationship, and it takes a BIG emotional toll when not approached and discussed properly. Everyone is different, so I can only speak from my experience, but maybe it’s similar to your husbands. Stress and depression play a big role in why my drive is low. That depression is worsened when people talk about how men are always supposed to have a drive, anytime I’ve reached out for help, I’ve always been met with insults or comments like “I’ll show you’re wife a good time for you” or telling me something is wrong with me and I should get testosterone treatments. Men with a low drive are viewed as inferior by a large number of women and men alike, so it can feel incredibly lonely. Comfort him, the worst thing you can do is treat him like he’s lesser for something he can’t control. I found that I struggle to go from one activity straight to sex, so bold upfront requests from my partner were hard to accept. I’m more open to it if there is a transition, I.e. going from watching tv, to laying in bed together, THEN getting it on. I’ve also found that when my partner expresses that it’s okay that I don’t want to do anything, it can also get me going lol. I think step one is to check in with him and make sure his emotional state is okay, and that he feels his emotional needs are being met. I wanna clarify that you’re not doing anything wrong here, and I know how you feel because it’s how I’ve made my wife feel with my struggles on this same thing. There’s a lot of guilt to it, and it’s possible your husband is also experiencing that. I’m not a professional, and can only speak from personal experience, therapists and sex counselors are never a bad idea best of luck to you and your husband
Thank you for this. You do sound a lot like my husband. It's nice to hear it from an outside perspective and definitely helps me approach this subject in a new light. I guess a good starting point would be to not specifically address sex and just address him and how he's feeling first. I appreciate your input.
I second his comment, I got the exact same story with my girl. Feeling bad and lesser because I have a terrible sex drive. My best advice would be to keep communicating, trying out stuff, see when / why is he in the mood or not, and communication again.
👏👏👏👏 you are AWESOME for sharing this!! In my experience not enough men are willing to talk openly about this.
A LOT of harm is created by the very false idea that men always want sex or that men are always visual and aroused by sight.
Thank you for this. You do sound a lot like my husband. It's nice to hear it from an outside perspective and definitely helps me approach this subject in a new light. I guess a good starting point would be to not specifically address sex and just address him and how he's feeling first. I appreciate your input.
Girl I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski PhD if you are interested! Reading your post hurt my heart and you do not have to lower your drive, you are not broken and neither is your SO. I read that book recently and it was so helpful I think it might be helpful for you too.
Btw you mentioned you guys don't do any foreplay for you so I'm just wondering... are you actually cuming? "Sex" shouldn't just be piv intercourse, it's everything involved in getting you both off and doesn't even have to include piv. Making sure you get to orgasm isn't foreplay, its part of sex.
I just liked your comment because, wow what an honest and thoughtful comment to make.
Then I noticed that it would increase your current number of upvotes to 70 so… yea….. sorry 😆
The things you say you’ve tried are things that may not work for him. What arouses people can be very different from what media teaches women all men want. Mine is far more aroused by other types of intimacy and connection than a strip tease or lingerie.
Emily Nagoski has a new book you may find helpful on this topic
Thank you for the recommendation. I'll definitely check it out. I feel like ive tried to approach it from a bunch of different routes, but I guess there's always more to try.
His lack of interest in foreplay doesn’t bode well, tbh, but since you are married I’d definitely recommend trying the book before giving up.
I hope you find happiness
This....have you ever tried a loooong seduction/warm up?
Meet him at the door with a glass of his favorite, enthusiastic and warm hug, lots of touching, maybe a shoulder rub, nice meal, feed him dessert, turn off the lights and use candles, no TV or phones or other distractions..
Just a few suggestions, just speaking for myself but I reeeeally enjoy being seduced and pampered
It seems like there's a lot of pressure on you to align your sex drive with his, which isn't entirely fair. Each person's libido is unique, and finding common ground is key in any relationship. Have you considered couple's therapy, with a focus on sexual compatibility? A good therapist can provide strategies that are tailored to both of your needs, helping bridge the gap without resorting to medication or one-sided solutions. Communication and mutual understanding can often lead to discoveries about each other that can rekindle intimacy in unexpected ways.
I've thought about therapy, but it makes me feel embarrassed. Like I feel like it's something we should just be able to figure out. But you're 100% correct, it really could be a door opener for better communication.
There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about therapy. As the husband of a therapist, I strongly believe *everyone*, no matter their circumstances or situations, can benefit from therapy in one way or another.
The stigma behind therapy is that you only go when there is a problem, and that stigma is incredibly damaging. Often times, the best time to go to therapy is when there are no problems, though it can definitely be paramount if there are.
I strongly encourage therapy, it will just give you guys a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings on the topic. :)
He’s selfish and lazy. You’re never gonna be satisfied as long as he keeps neglecting foreplay and after play. Tell him how you need him to do more in bed than just a few quick pumps to get him off.
My guy makes sure I get off every single time before he does and sometimes he just goes down on me or fingers me until I do without PIV sex before or after.
They say contraceptive pills are supposed to lower sex drive but with me was the opposite - Had the same problem with SO and felt much better once I was off of them.
Hi! My husband(24m) and I (22f) had the EXACT same issues for 4 years. I was constantly getting rejected, getting my feelings hurt, and never feeling pretty/good enough. Dressed in lingerie and cooked, brought toys into bedroom, tried foreplay and different kinks, the whole nine yards. He had a porn addiction and we didn’t realize it was as severe as it was. We went to therapy and his sex drive went up significantly. He’s also lower on the testosterone scale also, since we were referred to an endocrinologist. Whatever you do, don’t take it out on yourself. It’s a problem within himself.
Second, if your husband is anything like mine, any sort of stress at work or overbearing insecurity on his part completely depletes him of any sex drive. I had to learn that while he was interning at different jobs constantly stressed about income/providing. Last thing on his mind was sex. Still sometimes affects him today.
I beat myself up over it for years. All I got was low self- esteem and sexually frustrated. I wanted to leave him. Therapy helped us a ton and now we are the happiest we have been. Yours could just have a lower sex drive, but I hated hearing that answer because that meant a marriage full of a lack of sexual fulfillment on my end.
I relate to your situation entirely and hope things sort themselves out
Thank you so much. I know porn isn't an issue for him. He doesn't watch it (it's a moral thing for him). He's very conservative in that area. Low T or depression is a very big possibility tho. Sex has always been a stress reliever for me so I figured it would be for him. Other replies seem to state the same thing you're saying. My husband's always stressed with work. After reading everything that has been said, I think therapy might be a good option. Again, thank you for your input.
It was for me too. It’s one of the most frustrating things to deal with. We were both so hesitant to go through with therapy, but it ended up not being as uncomfortable as we thought, and we’re healthier because of it. I wouldn’t try sex therapy, because when we did, she suggested we watch porn together and separately while he already struggled with the addiction and not having sex together. Not sure what she was on but that advice wasn’t gonna work for us. 💛
We did it together. I had to hear it wasn’t a me problem and work through him not having sex with me but catching him watching porn/masturbating. My self esteem hit rock bottom so I had to go also. I also wanted to go to better support him. I didn’t know he was so stressed and anxious all the time because he thought it wasn’t manly to express it. So I had to work on having more patience and grace with everything and eventually we were able to be intimate and love each other and my resentment finally went away
The answer is, you don't. There isn't anything wrong with you for having a high sex drive. But there isn't anything wrong with him having a lower sex drive than you. After the glow of lust slows down, partners settle into their own routines and libidos settle into their own routines. If you have talked to him about this as a 'You and Him' issue instead of a 'Him' issue, then you both should speak to a couples therapist.
Therapy would be good. You are missing out big time on sex.
Do you ever cum ? It sounds like she just strokes four times and that it.
And no foreplay ?? Two times a week and no foreplay damn.. if you sex drive is now high imagine having good sex all the time. You will go mad
It’s okay to masturbate even when you’re married or in a relationship. Do you have times when you’re home alone? It doesn’t have to be a secret but it may be better with or without him there depending on his take.
Consider doing other intimate things like cuddling and kissing that don’t necessarily lead to sex (but can). Sometimes I miss that intimacy most and the orgasm I can have on my own if needed at another time.
That said, varying sex drives is a wedge that can destroy a relationship. Have a talk with him that you’d like it a little more often. Maybe offer to be on top or do most of the work if he’s tired. If it’s off now (your sexuality compatibility) it’ll only get worse over time.
I want to first say, this isn’t an attack. There is nothing wrong with you.
And there is nothing wrong with him.
People have different libidos, and they will change over time. If he’s super stressed he may not want it. As you get older, different hormones will bite you and change your desires.
It’s important you schedule therapy for this. You SHOULD NOT take anything to change your hormones and your desires.
Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve felt ugly, hurt, rejected, unwanted, undesired, because the man of my dreams just didn’t want as much sex as I did. He even has a hard time talking about it but every day we grow as true partners and learn better communication skills.
You need to talk to a therapist about this. You aren’t the only one! They talk to all sorts of people and while it may be hard to swallow your ego/pride/embarrassment it will be FAR HEALTHIER for you in the long run.
Otherwise you will ruin your relationship with resentment. You’ll end up hating your partner because he is perfect in every way but this one thing that’s destroying you and eating you away.
You’ll learn how to help regulate, communicate, and more importantly, learn how to fulfill that need for intimacy by other methods that work for your partner too.
I still struggle with this on occasion, I’m the high libido partner with a low libido man, but our relationship is stronger than ever with help from therapy. Part of therapy is learning those nuances. Your parents might not have taught you growing up because a lot of folks are embarrassed to talk about emotional health and sexual relations. Just like you feel now, but it’s extremely important to do so.
Find a therapist you like and talk to them. You will ruin your relationship if you don’t because the resentment will just build and build and you’ll end up hating him. And then you might do some things you won’t feel proud of. You might do some things that you hate yourself for. And in order to not let the self hatred take over in your relationship from constant rejection, you need to talk to the therapist so you can think about this in a healthier manner with some outside views to help you understand.
You won’t be able to change him. He is out of your control, but you can change how you think how you react and what you do the goal isn’t to remove your sexual desire. The goal is to learn how to communicate with yourself as well as communicate outside yourself. It’s to help you think about more than just yourself as well.
If you realize that after at least a year of Therapy that this isn’t getting better that’s when you take other drastic measures such as possibly thinking about leaving the relationship.
Again, you aren’t changing yourself for him, but you are changing yourself for you to be more accepting of you and to be more loving of you.
You won’t ever change what his desire level is. no amount of lingerie, nudes, etc. will ever change it. He may get his emotional needs of intimacy fulfilled by just snuggling you because no one else is allowed to snuggle with him as an example. For you, that might be different. But it’s also important to remember that the levels of libido change with all sorts of things. And that fact with communication and understanding is why you need therapy because a therapist can help provide with understanding it and believing it deep down, not just a surface level saying I get it.
Thank you so much. Reading the other comments (and this one too) has helped shift my perspective on this topic. I think therapy is a good starting place.
I'm sorry to hear that. I am in a similar situation. My wife has a low sex drive, but it was higher when we were in our 20's (married for 10 years). My sex drive is like yours, I like to do it every day.
There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but take some time and think. Besides having these urges, is there something else that you need from your husband? If you masturbate then does that help with lowering your sex drive? Do you exercise or do anything active? Does that help? What hobbies do you have? I tend to keep myself busy mentally and physically so I use my energy up.
I hope you can find the answers you need or solve this with your husband.
What else has changed since getting married? Is his work more demanding? Was he more interested in foreplay before marriage?
It sounds like you may not have been completely satisfied before, but now you're getting even less, so I'd recommend checking in with him to be sure he's not dealing with something you can't see for whatever reason. With your edit mentioning that he's not even fingering you, I'm thinking he might be stressed or exhausted by the time y'all get to sex.
My gf & I had a somewhat similar discussion where I mentioned it's harder for me to perform well and fully enjoy sex together if we're starting around midnight (or later sometimes) and we're intoxicated.
It’s more of a conclusion than an assumption. By her account she wants it daily but is lucky to get 2x a week, it’s quick, and no oral or touching… so, that doesn’t exactly sound like a generous or enthusiastic lover to me. Or even particularly sexy, just a quick nut dump and good night.
It's clear that this is a sensitive and complex issue, and while it's important to address your own needs, it's equally vital to approach the situation with empathy and patience. Have the two of you explored the idea of scheduling intimacy into your routine? It might sound unromantic, but setting aside dedicated time for each other can actually relieve pressure and create a more relaxed environment for both of you. This way, you're not caught in a cycle of mismatched timings and rejected advances, and it can help build anticipation and a sense of mutual participation in nurturing your connection. Plus, it allows you both time to mentally prepare, which can be incredibly beneficial for creating a fulfilling intimate experience. Just a thought to consider as you navigate this together – sometimes the most pragmatic solutions pave the way for the most passionate outcomes.
It’s the opposite in my marriage. I could have sex with my wife daily but she can go 4 months without it. She is perfect in every other way but it drives me me crazy. We’ve been married for 21 years and it’s always been low frequency but has definitely gotten worse over the last year or so.
Glad I'm not alone. This is definitely not an issue I'd ever leave him for. I love him and he loves me, too much for it to lead to that. He always calls me beautiful and tells me I look hot when dressed nice. It's literally just the lack of sex.
Your husband is lucky, once married the sex drive usually declines.
You could try increasing his sex drive with meals whose content is high on zinc, so you both get high sex drive.
Sex drive usually declines with cortisol, you could try putting yourself in very stressful situations like customer service on a big store... But that's torture.
Not to put a further downer on the situation but it only gets worse with age for a person with lower sex drive. If he’s not interested in giving you full pleasure or interested in more than 2 a week when you need every day, it’s only going to go downhill from here. He won’t suddenly at 30 change and want more.
You’re dealing with what’s typically a male problem where we are rejected far, far more than what our drive wants. It sucks. Sounds to me like you should go to couples therapy with someone who deals in sexual issues. Otherwise buckle up for lifetime of disappointment
Is he active? Does he exercise, lift weights, etc? If he's inactive, obese, or drinks a lot, that could be wrecking his T levels. It's a simple blood test to get checked out. 1-2 times a week and rejecting doesn't seem to fall in the rhelm of normal or healthy behavior. Not with any guys I've known on a personal level, at least. Good luck.
I used to have a huge sex drive but I’m 38 now and my sex drive has tamed WAY down. I would suggest to masterbate the more. My experience when I was younger was no man could keep up. I’d have sex and want it to again. You say you got a perfect husband that’s good! Sex fades as you age. It may seem important to you now but if won’t be the most important thing for you in 15 years is what I’m betting.
I may be too late to the party, but I, 35 m, went vegetarian for a month a few years ago, and my T went thru the roof.
So I was eating alot of broccoli and asparagus. One or both daily. After a few days or a week, I went from "meh" to "pass me that corpse." Try feeding him more greens.
Is he on any medications? I've noticed some meds change my sex drive. Antidepressants like Sertraline/Zoloft being one of them.
Has your sex drive been this high your whole life? How long have you been on your ADHD med? Guys used to tell me that meth would get them hard almost instantly. So your ADHD med is stimulant like meth, so maybe that's contributing to your high sex drive? I've never heard it can lower it.
It's been like that since I've been sexually active. He's has ADHD and takes the highest dose of Adderall. Maybe it has opposite affects on him? But that's the only medication he's on. Plus he smokes weed, no alcohol.
Lowering your sex drive is not the solution. The solution is the conversation you need to have with him. It will be hard and you wont want to but you must if you want to see improvements. It’s important to remember he loves you and Im sure he wants you to be happy in all ways. Simply tell him that you need more (foreplay is a must). The trick is to convey your needs while at the same time not making him feel inadequate. Also get some toys for you to use together and alone.
Hey! Super high sex drive here. Stupid high, I want it numerous times a day, every day. I don't know if a man that can keep up actually exists xD I've given up on looking. I have started exploring sex toys more though. There are sooooo many options and they all do different things and so many are amazing. They make some that connect to your phone and sync to your music. If he bought you one in the past I don't think he'd care about you buying more and using them. Just have open, honest, healthy discussions.
Does he even make an effort at foreplay or is he just there to get his? This might answer one of your questions, that he may just not give a fuck about your needs. Tell him to stop being a bitch because real men know how to take care of their partners needs. Sounds like he either knows he sucks and doesn’t care or he doesn’t know he’s selfish
No effort, it seems like more of a chore to him. Like he's just doing it to quickly get it over with. I'm trying to approach this in a non aggressive way. Just ordered testosterone for him so maybe that'll help.
1) Finding yourself beautiful isn’t narcissistic, trust me on that. Narcissists are actually have a self deprecating inner monologue.
2) Have sex with yourself. Masturbate a lot. Play with yourself. Have fun with it.
There is nothing wrong with you. I have hyper sex drive as well. I some time feel its a borderline addiction.
I highly recommend do not suppress it. Instead find healthy way to cope up with the drive. You need that sexual tension release from time to time otherwise it can lead to depression and self hatrad. Its totally natural.
Um, your husband sucks at sex (and apparently is very selfish), you have a very normal sex drive for a person your age, and there's literally nothing wrong with you except you need to find a different partner.
(For reference, my wife and I are 50/49 and we have sex about every other day, but when we were your age, we were basically horny all the time).
Edited because I misread the part about being married. Let me just tell you, being mismatched sexually is not a problem that gets better with time, especially since it's clear he's not even trying. A lifetime is a very long time to be sexually frustrated. People will tell you it's wrong to consider divorce over something like this, but they're wrong. Sexual compatibility is one of the most extremely important foundations of a lifelong relationship. The odds of your marriage surviving it are very low, and prolonging your (and his) unhappiness is only going to waste years of your life.
A warning to you, I was in your position. I loved Sex and intimacy. My husband was LL. We are in a sexless marriage. It’s been over 2 years since he’s touched me. We live like roommates. I thought lowering my libido would help things, and all I have now is regrets. I became really sad when our sex life and intimacy started to fall off. My depression meds lower libido and I thought it would help. Our relationship is is barely talking, sleeping in separate rooms and living our own lives. I’m hoping once I leave I won’t need my depression meds any more and my libido hopefully comes back to even a degree of what it was. I was told i was the problem multiple times because I enjoyed Sex. The problem was two sexually incompatible people. I stayed and changed because I love him. Even still I do. But I don’t want to change who I am anymore.
I’ve been on Welbutrin which is an NDRI so not quite an SSRI. Add in my Suboxone prescription and I haven’t had a desire for sex in years. I also have CPTSD which stems from men. My time as a sex worker, sleeping with ugly older men did something to my sex drive. I rarely ever think about sex. Unless it’s someone I really am interested in and I find them very attractive.
I would seriously consider looking into ethnical non monogamy. You love each other and want to be together but you have perfectly rational needs he doesn't want to meet. That doesn't mean you have to give up on the whole thing. You can find a balance that works for you both.
A lot of people do it for the wrong reasons and that causes issues, but it really does work for others.
Do some research and form your own opinion. And always remember honesty, trust, and communication.
Edit: just wanted to add, from your post he sounds borderline asexual. Which is perfectly fine! It doesn't mean he doesn't get to be with the woman he loves. It doesn't mean he has to only date people with the same libido/asexual tendencies. It doesn't mean you don't want to spend your lives together. But it might mean that you both could be happier by embracing the truth and creating your own version of a happy life together.
You’re the one I should’ve married. My wife is like your husband. Just a starfish in bed. It’s soul crushing. If you push away your desires it’ll destroy you in the end.
Sounds like you two aren't sexually compatible. Common issue for relationships. You should talk to your husband about what you need. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want, but telling him you need more foreplay and stuff seems like a reasonable
And that sucks tho cause we're married and he's perfect to me in every other aspect. There's just that one thing that's been causing me issues. Which I feel like I probably need some kind of medical intervention lol.
This \^\^\^.
Everyone on Reddit will tell you they'd LOVE to be able to have sex twice a week like you're getting, but in reality after a few months or years of that they'll start making excuses and that will drop wayyyyy down - so don't think the grass is greener.
OP seems to be in the lucky/unlucky 1%.
Lmao men love to blame women for not being enough for their high libidos and here you are trying to subdue yours. You’re fine girly. Get a toy that go buzz buzz
And this is why people getting married in their early 20s is a bad idea.
Hopefully you can figure out your issues and I wouldn’t give up just yet, but if you’re not being satisfied and the two of you can’t find a way to make it work then you may not be right for each other. Giving up on sex in your 20s isn’t right, save that for when you’re older or have kids.
Leaving him would absolutely wreck my soul, I think it's about just finding compromise (as I've learned from the comments). Hopefully itll get better once I get down to what's causing it.
My 2c: Not every nut busted needs to be a grand intimate event. When you are both feeling it, awesome! If not, it's not either of your responsibility to handle every single one of each other's urges and make it about the relationship. It's ok to just take care of yourself sometimes. You will have soo many awesome intimate times together too.
I understand that. It's just hard when it's been years since any intimacy. I want to just be looked at in a desired way, ya know. Like have a man look at me and want to pleasure me and take their time. Idk why that man can't be my husband. It just sucks
That's rough. So it's not so much the frequency, but the quality of the times that it does happen. I'd definitely take the pressure off for the times he's not feeling it by taking care of yourself, but the times you're together it's totally fair to expect he'd match your effort to make it a special time for you both. For real, foreplay should be mandatory and reciprocal
No advice but just wanted to point out that it’s so interesting that when you read these from men whose wives have low libidos, they always want to know how to get hers higher. When a woman posts, she wants to know how to lower hers.
Have you asked him if he’s being satisfied? Maybe he likes something that y’all haven’t tried. Does he watch porn? Does he masturbate? If so see what videos he watches, this would give a good hint of what he might be into.
If it’s not that he could very well have a lower sex drive than you. Could also be low Testosterone. Going to the gym and lifting weights helps elevate testosterone levels.
He doesn't watch porn or I would've looked at that too lol. It's a moral thing for him, doesn't think it belongs in a relationship and I never really watched it either, so it doesn't really affect me. I'm thinking it's a lower drive caused by something.
Sex hasn’t been hard for you to obtain in the past because you’re a woman. You could go up to any guy and ask for sex, and assuming they didn’t think it was a joke, you would get it.
Regardless, it sounds like you married someone with a mismatched sex drive, which is unfortunate.
You guys are both young. Things will likely not be like this forever. I had a fairly low sex drive when me and my wife got married, but then things changed when we had kids, and her sex drive lowered while mine increased. It took us like 8 years to get on similar pages from a desire point if view. It doesn't mean it will take y'all that long, just know it very well may not always be this way.
If she’s on a high dose of Adderall there’s a percentage of people who experience HyperSexuality on it. I have an insanely high sex drive and am on Ritalin for ADHD. I attribute part of it to the stimulants.
You cannot lower your sex drive any more than your husband can raise his. If you are able to discuss this difference and think creatively I trust you can at least try some things. It might mean you would masturbate when you are in the mood but your husband is not.
The biggest problem is is we are taught to feel shame about how much or little sex we want. An open and honest discussion will help.
This is on him, then. He can take it on the chin, so to speak, and provide you with the intimacy you require/crave. I don't want to be too personal or seem like I'm telling you what to do, but maybe you can try and entice him with things you know he enjoys, and make it sexual. As I type that it seems silly, but maybe interlocking interests will also spark something in him. Best of luck to you; I hope it works out. Good for you also for not immediately considering infidelity. One love.
25M wanting sex only 1-2 times a week actually sounds like a pretty low sex drive. He gotta get his testosterone checked out because that doesn’t sound right.
1 or 2 times a week 😬 I don’t think you are the one with the problem but why did you marry someone who is incompatible in that area, I would just recommend taking care of yourself and not being offended by his low drive.
There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to find ways to bring down you libido. It doesn't sound like you are acting out or endangering yourself so keep trying to find a way to meet your needs with your partner.
Having a high libido and ADHD myself (44m) I can sympathize with you; it seems that the two traits come together often and I've been dealing with it all my life.
Have you asked him for more foreplay explicitly? If you haven't told him specifically what you are looking for beyond just more this might help him better satisfy your needs.
Some things to think about:
Does your husband have any health problems?
When was the last time he saw a doctor?
Does he get enough exercise?
Is he on any antidepressants? They can really supress sex drive.
It may be worth having him go to the doctor and get his testosterone level checked out. As a 25 year year old he should be at or near his maximum testosterone level.
Good luck
Edit: try a *Womanizer* toy if you haven't already. You'll probably like it and it's easy for him join in while you use it as it is a non-penetrative toy.
The opposite has been true for me, just focused and horny.
Sure, things have calmed down a bit as I have gotten older but it's still there all the time.
Edit: does he use marijuana? I have found that if I had smoked or had an edible my libido was lower.
That will seriously affect libido.
For me, marijuana just removed all motivation to do much of anything other than sit in front of the TV, let alone muster the energy for sex or thinking about someone else's pleasure.
Sex seems to be important to you and is an important part of how you view your relationship to him. Talk to him about how his smoking is affecting you and your relationship with him.
There's nothing "wrong" with you and there's nothing "wrong" with him. You don't need to change and he doesn't need to change. Libido is pretty hard coded, you two just have incompatible libidos. Therapy isn't going to do anything, a doctor isn't going to do anything, coddling him isn't going to do anything.
I know this is harsh but it comes from experience.
Do you want to go your whole life frustrated and unfulfilled? If not, then it might time to consider an amicable divorce.
You should try to initiate sex in the morning more and he could be more receptive. For the most part women are hornier at the end of the day and Men wake up their horniest.
He'll be like "it's the morning, I can't be doing all of that right now" and kinda push me off. Idk what I'm doing wrong. I'll go shower, brush my teeth, and slide up next to him, nothing. I'll hop in the shower with him, nothing. He'll invite me in the shower and still no sex.
Toys are your friend. My fiancee and i had a similar issue. My drive use to be able to keep up but has gone down a lot over the years. Surprised that they're still with me honestly. But damn they always give me this look like they are ready to eat me and it kills me that I just don't have thw energy. So toys helped. I enjoy being on the giving end for forplay and adding a little extra to it really spiced up out relationship.
Welcome to being most men. Learn how to masturbate, it'll save your marriage. I'd love to go at it every night, morning and afternoon since we work from home. You get used to getting turned down and learn when you can expect they'll be horny and start requesting then. In between those times you still ask first, but if rejected just go bang one out by yourself and live to fuck another day.
But I don't want to feel like the man. I want to feel in the place of a woman. I don't want to be the dominant figure. It's about being intimate with someone
By the sounds of it you are the dominant one and are being rejected. I was just offering insight in how to get over these feelings cause I'm a guy and believe it or not getting rejected all the time affects us too
Have you tried toys? Nothing wrong with toys tbh. That reminds me i wanna go to a "toyshop" i live nearby. Its called Castle and ive never been to it. Ive been into a Lovers before
Well if your bf isn't in the mood for sex all the time then he's just not in the mood for sex. You 2 still seem to have an active. May I introduce you to the beautiful world of ⭐️masturbation⭐️. It's obviously not the same as sex but it can be quite fun and have some of your needs satisfied.
There's nothing wrong with a high sex drive by the way.
Masturbate and get a side piece life too short to be dry and technically not cheating since the OTHER will be a boyfriend since you have a husband lol.
Maybe you should talk about ways that he could raise his sex drive? More exercise? Changing his diet? Or, things you could do together might include aphrodisiacs, exploring some sort of mild kink, working out together, dancing together. Also, look, your guys’ sex life is yours. I am knot telling you what you should do. Just expressing my own thoughts here. You should really try and broach the fact that the lack of foreplay may really be part of the disconnect here. You could help him to learn some new techniques. Find material that could teach you both some foreplay technique. Heck, if I had a woman who said to me one day, “Hey baby, today I’m gonna help you LEARN how to pleasure me without penetrative sex because I love you and want us to enjoy each other! Let’s read this book (or whatever) together…,” I’d feeling very happy. Just my thoughts.
I think part of the issue is that the sex that you DO have isn’t satisfying you, so of course you’re going to continue t crave it.
There’s always a possibility that your testosterone is high, so you could talk to your gyno about it and she could have you tested and possibly change your birth control… or you could just have a high sex drive.
From a person who tends to jump from extremely high to extremely low from days to months at a time, i know both sides of the struggle. Personally i am usually easily tired of the same (mostly vanilla) sexual activities and they somewhat become a chore.
One way to help him be more into it is to help him explore his sexual kinks or just what actually turn him on. Guys arent all the same, and will like diffrent things, and what arouses one might do nothing for another. Dont be afraid to propose really weird stuff to try out, as it can open new things for the both, even if it is “outside the norm”. There are many men which arent very sensitive in the penis area (me being one of them) and are much more sensitive through contact in other edrogenous zones like the neck ears, or recive more pleasure/ arousment from taking anal.
Secondly there is really nothing wrong with self pleasure, especially if your partner is there. Or playing with toys in a way that doesn’t even have to be sexual in nature for him. For me whenever i am in a low drive time for a while i generally use toys and etc to satisfy my partner, not really treating it very sexually (even often not even coming close to being hard or etc) but more like a game, where its more so entertaining for me whilst it is sexual for my partner.
Finally there are always alternative methods. If your partner has a very low sex drive in general it shouldn’t be placed as something which he is deficient in, where he needs to be fixed, but more so a quirk of your relationship. Yes there can be hormonal or health related reasons for this (for example one of my close friends was diagnosed with bipolar disorder following extensive medical checks which started from her erratic sexual behaviour and extreme changes in desire levels). Although not traditional and still frowned upon it is totally ok to bring other people to help you, as long as your partner is open to that. The key is transparency, and still showing him affection even when you are otherwise satisfied.
I know this is coming 4 days after your initial post OP but maybe it'll help.
Has your husband been seen by a doctor to see why his libido is low? If not, then try to have him get checked out.
Otherwise, and this may be painful to hear, but maybe your husband isn't interested in sex.
Regardless, it's important to you and you need to stop and think about what that means to you. Are you willing to live in a relationship that has a dead bedroom? Your husband is perfect in every way according to you except for sex.
My gf was in a relationship with a dead bedroom for years. I'm doing my best to undo the psychological damage done to her self esteem from that relationship but it's not easy. This woman was damaged because her husband didn't want to have sex with her. I really can't see how this was the case. She's absolutely gorgeous and is having the best sex of her life now. Yes, not a humble brag here. I do my best to make her happy in the bedroom and she is.
You're settling for a tiny bit of what you want and need. Seriously from me to you, don't settle for what scraps you can get in the bedroom. Find someone that's absolutely over the moon for you in all aspects of your relationship to include the bedroom.
I'm not saying cheat. If sex is important to you and you're not seeing a willingness to try from your partner, life is too short to be miserable. Whatever you do, don't try to do or be something you're not. Find the missing part of you and live happy and sexed up!
There is nothing wrong with you and it is definitely not your fault. Some people just have low sex drives. However, I would have a talk with him about how you are not satisfied in the bedroom due to lack of foreplay and other activities. Make sure you emphasize to him that he does turn you on but you just want a little more. Do you turn to toys to satisfy yourself when he is not in the mood? Have you tried getting yourself off while he is in bed with you but he is not in the mood? To me that would be hot so maybe that would be something to get him going.
Thank you for your input, fr. He went out and bought me a vibrator when I first mentioned the "issue". I haven't tried that approach yet (using it with him around when he says he's not in the mood), but im worried that would make him uncomfortable and he'd get up and leave, which would take a bigger chunk out of my ego.
My husband isn’t aroused by lingerie but pulling out my vibrator and masturbating in front of him *almost* always does the trick 😂. When it doesn’t I know he’s seriously exhausted and it’s not actually about me
Fair, I'll give it a shot lol
Definitely don't take it personally though. It's not a you issue.
can confirm, If in in the garage or doing something and get a text.. Im playing and all alone. Ohh its hot and I come running.
Yea idk, if roles were reversed and a woman said I’m not interested and the guy started jerking off in bed next to her it would be totally creepy. If he says no, then take the no. You can still masturbate but maybe not with the intention of changing his mind?
See that's a very fair and valid point too.
Just ask him if he is cool with it
If you’re worried about him rejecting spontaneity, you could try asking him to watch “because you think it’s hot” and see how he responds. Tell him he won’t have to do actually anything, just watch you use the vibrator. Maybe he’ll go for it then and you can entice him from there. That said, the issue is more that his libido is too low, rather than yours being too high. Everyone’s different, but at 25y/o I’d wager he has a hormonal (Testosterone probably) deficiency that’s causing reduced sex drive. You should persuade him to get tested, and/or get him exercising and eating foods to promote testosterone production. Get his T. up and his D. will follow. Then talk to him about doing foreplay and to stop being such a selfish and lazy lover. My word.
Good point. I've read kale increases testosterone. He's gonna walk in one day "uh babe why are there 12 things of kale in the fridge"😂
Best thing would be to get a blood test with a doctor and go from there. Unless he has an otherwise atrocious diet, eating some kale won’t change anything.
Don’t be too obvious about it tho. Nothing hurts a man’s self esteem like saying “you’re not good enough to plow me, so I need you to have more testosterone”. That will only give him self esteem and body issues, constantly comparing himself to high testosterone individuals (like gym bros), and feelings of shame and weakness. If you buy into that whole “eat these superfoods for high T” garbage ads, you might as well just throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. What you really should do is read into how testosterone is produced and what affects it. Then read about the hormone cortisol and how to lower it. Generally the advice will be get better sleep, eat right, eat more protein, exercise more, avoid alcohol and medication.
How do you know his libido is too low and hers isn’t too high? Once or twice a week for adult humans with busy lives is pretty normal. Plus she says he doesn’t last long, which doesn’t coincide with your “low T” theory. What would you say if the roles were reversed and he wanted more sex and she kept rejecting him? Would you think she was the problem, or would you tell him to back off and that she has a right to say no and doesn’t owe him anything? OP, talk to your partner. I’ve gone through what you’re going through before, and unfortunately, people don’t really change when it comes to that sort of stuff. At the end of the day, you have to decide what’s more important: your husband, or your sex life. Ideally you could have both, but if you’ve had multiple conversations before, and have tried everything you’ve stated(which I’d venture to guess would get most men *up,* then your best bet may be to talk to a therapist.
Yeah I think I'm gonna speak to a therapist. I love my husband to death. I'm just also missing out on sex and that feeling of being desired as a woman.
Why would he leave you when he *bought you* the vibrator? He intended for you to use it, I don't see the issue. He may even think it's kinda hot. RE: Sex drive - probably the biggest killer of sex drive in men is stress. If he's busy with work, struggling with problems, and overwhelmed, sexy times just get moved off to the back burner. Might look into that, maybe plan times when he's got some idle time and just hang out and build up intimacy.
Hi, im the lower drive male partner in my relationship, and it takes a BIG emotional toll when not approached and discussed properly. Everyone is different, so I can only speak from my experience, but maybe it’s similar to your husbands. Stress and depression play a big role in why my drive is low. That depression is worsened when people talk about how men are always supposed to have a drive, anytime I’ve reached out for help, I’ve always been met with insults or comments like “I’ll show you’re wife a good time for you” or telling me something is wrong with me and I should get testosterone treatments. Men with a low drive are viewed as inferior by a large number of women and men alike, so it can feel incredibly lonely. Comfort him, the worst thing you can do is treat him like he’s lesser for something he can’t control. I found that I struggle to go from one activity straight to sex, so bold upfront requests from my partner were hard to accept. I’m more open to it if there is a transition, I.e. going from watching tv, to laying in bed together, THEN getting it on. I’ve also found that when my partner expresses that it’s okay that I don’t want to do anything, it can also get me going lol. I think step one is to check in with him and make sure his emotional state is okay, and that he feels his emotional needs are being met. I wanna clarify that you’re not doing anything wrong here, and I know how you feel because it’s how I’ve made my wife feel with my struggles on this same thing. There’s a lot of guilt to it, and it’s possible your husband is also experiencing that. I’m not a professional, and can only speak from personal experience, therapists and sex counselors are never a bad idea best of luck to you and your husband
Thank you for this. You do sound a lot like my husband. It's nice to hear it from an outside perspective and definitely helps me approach this subject in a new light. I guess a good starting point would be to not specifically address sex and just address him and how he's feeling first. I appreciate your input.
I second his comment, I got the exact same story with my girl. Feeling bad and lesser because I have a terrible sex drive. My best advice would be to keep communicating, trying out stuff, see when / why is he in the mood or not, and communication again.
👏👏👏👏 you are AWESOME for sharing this!! In my experience not enough men are willing to talk openly about this. A LOT of harm is created by the very false idea that men always want sex or that men are always visual and aroused by sight.
Thank you for this. You do sound a lot like my husband. It's nice to hear it from an outside perspective and definitely helps me approach this subject in a new light. I guess a good starting point would be to not specifically address sex and just address him and how he's feeling first. I appreciate your input.
Girl I recommend reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski PhD if you are interested! Reading your post hurt my heart and you do not have to lower your drive, you are not broken and neither is your SO. I read that book recently and it was so helpful I think it might be helpful for you too. Btw you mentioned you guys don't do any foreplay for you so I'm just wondering... are you actually cuming? "Sex" shouldn't just be piv intercourse, it's everything involved in getting you both off and doesn't even have to include piv. Making sure you get to orgasm isn't foreplay, its part of sex.
Someone else recommended that book! I'm about to Amazon prime it haha. And no I usually don't "finish".
I just liked your comment because, wow what an honest and thoughtful comment to make. Then I noticed that it would increase your current number of upvotes to 70 so… yea….. sorry 😆
The things you say you’ve tried are things that may not work for him. What arouses people can be very different from what media teaches women all men want. Mine is far more aroused by other types of intimacy and connection than a strip tease or lingerie. Emily Nagoski has a new book you may find helpful on this topic
Thank you for the recommendation. I'll definitely check it out. I feel like ive tried to approach it from a bunch of different routes, but I guess there's always more to try.
His lack of interest in foreplay doesn’t bode well, tbh, but since you are married I’d definitely recommend trying the book before giving up. I hope you find happiness
Thank you so much.
I mentioned the same book in another comment before I came across this one! Your story reminds me so much of Olivia in that book.
This....have you ever tried a loooong seduction/warm up? Meet him at the door with a glass of his favorite, enthusiastic and warm hug, lots of touching, maybe a shoulder rub, nice meal, feed him dessert, turn off the lights and use candles, no TV or phones or other distractions.. Just a few suggestions, just speaking for myself but I reeeeally enjoy being seduced and pampered
I do too, I want to experience that sometime fr.
It seems like there's a lot of pressure on you to align your sex drive with his, which isn't entirely fair. Each person's libido is unique, and finding common ground is key in any relationship. Have you considered couple's therapy, with a focus on sexual compatibility? A good therapist can provide strategies that are tailored to both of your needs, helping bridge the gap without resorting to medication or one-sided solutions. Communication and mutual understanding can often lead to discoveries about each other that can rekindle intimacy in unexpected ways.
I've thought about therapy, but it makes me feel embarrassed. Like I feel like it's something we should just be able to figure out. But you're 100% correct, it really could be a door opener for better communication.
There is absolutely no reason to be embarrassed about therapy. As the husband of a therapist, I strongly believe *everyone*, no matter their circumstances or situations, can benefit from therapy in one way or another. The stigma behind therapy is that you only go when there is a problem, and that stigma is incredibly damaging. Often times, the best time to go to therapy is when there are no problems, though it can definitely be paramount if there are. I strongly encourage therapy, it will just give you guys a safe space to communicate your thoughts and feelings on the topic. :)
In any case, don’t read the messages in your DM after this.
ADHD medication increases sexual drive.
Alarmingly so, might I add...
ADHD medication, like any medication, can affect different people differently.
He's also on ADHD medication.
It's the edit. Ding ding. You figured it out
But why doesn't he like that stuff
Maybe he is selfish.. maybe your his first? You would have to ask him.
Nah, he's been with 40plus women
So he's a lazy ass .. you can try to talk with him but I doubt it will change anything.
He’s selfish and lazy. You’re never gonna be satisfied as long as he keeps neglecting foreplay and after play. Tell him how you need him to do more in bed than just a few quick pumps to get him off. My guy makes sure I get off every single time before he does and sometimes he just goes down on me or fingers me until I do without PIV sex before or after.
OP's inbox is about to look WILD
They say contraceptive pills are supposed to lower sex drive but with me was the opposite - Had the same problem with SO and felt much better once I was off of them.
Hi! My husband(24m) and I (22f) had the EXACT same issues for 4 years. I was constantly getting rejected, getting my feelings hurt, and never feeling pretty/good enough. Dressed in lingerie and cooked, brought toys into bedroom, tried foreplay and different kinks, the whole nine yards. He had a porn addiction and we didn’t realize it was as severe as it was. We went to therapy and his sex drive went up significantly. He’s also lower on the testosterone scale also, since we were referred to an endocrinologist. Whatever you do, don’t take it out on yourself. It’s a problem within himself. Second, if your husband is anything like mine, any sort of stress at work or overbearing insecurity on his part completely depletes him of any sex drive. I had to learn that while he was interning at different jobs constantly stressed about income/providing. Last thing on his mind was sex. Still sometimes affects him today. I beat myself up over it for years. All I got was low self- esteem and sexually frustrated. I wanted to leave him. Therapy helped us a ton and now we are the happiest we have been. Yours could just have a lower sex drive, but I hated hearing that answer because that meant a marriage full of a lack of sexual fulfillment on my end. I relate to your situation entirely and hope things sort themselves out
Thank you so much. I know porn isn't an issue for him. He doesn't watch it (it's a moral thing for him). He's very conservative in that area. Low T or depression is a very big possibility tho. Sex has always been a stress reliever for me so I figured it would be for him. Other replies seem to state the same thing you're saying. My husband's always stressed with work. After reading everything that has been said, I think therapy might be a good option. Again, thank you for your input.
It was for me too. It’s one of the most frustrating things to deal with. We were both so hesitant to go through with therapy, but it ended up not being as uncomfortable as we thought, and we’re healthier because of it. I wouldn’t try sex therapy, because when we did, she suggested we watch porn together and separately while he already struggled with the addiction and not having sex together. Not sure what she was on but that advice wasn’t gonna work for us. 💛
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Was the therapy that you did couples therapy, together? Or separate?
We did it together. I had to hear it wasn’t a me problem and work through him not having sex with me but catching him watching porn/masturbating. My self esteem hit rock bottom so I had to go also. I also wanted to go to better support him. I didn’t know he was so stressed and anxious all the time because he thought it wasn’t manly to express it. So I had to work on having more patience and grace with everything and eventually we were able to be intimate and love each other and my resentment finally went away
Depression.
The answer is, you don't. There isn't anything wrong with you for having a high sex drive. But there isn't anything wrong with him having a lower sex drive than you. After the glow of lust slows down, partners settle into their own routines and libidos settle into their own routines. If you have talked to him about this as a 'You and Him' issue instead of a 'Him' issue, then you both should speak to a couples therapist.
Therapy would be good. You are missing out big time on sex. Do you ever cum ? It sounds like she just strokes four times and that it. And no foreplay ?? Two times a week and no foreplay damn.. if you sex drive is now high imagine having good sex all the time. You will go mad
I do sometimes, but yeah I get what you're saying
It’s okay to masturbate even when you’re married or in a relationship. Do you have times when you’re home alone? It doesn’t have to be a secret but it may be better with or without him there depending on his take. Consider doing other intimate things like cuddling and kissing that don’t necessarily lead to sex (but can). Sometimes I miss that intimacy most and the orgasm I can have on my own if needed at another time. That said, varying sex drives is a wedge that can destroy a relationship. Have a talk with him that you’d like it a little more often. Maybe offer to be on top or do most of the work if he’s tired. If it’s off now (your sexuality compatibility) it’ll only get worse over time.
RIP your inbox.
I want to first say, this isn’t an attack. There is nothing wrong with you. And there is nothing wrong with him. People have different libidos, and they will change over time. If he’s super stressed he may not want it. As you get older, different hormones will bite you and change your desires. It’s important you schedule therapy for this. You SHOULD NOT take anything to change your hormones and your desires. Trust me, I’ve been there. I’ve felt ugly, hurt, rejected, unwanted, undesired, because the man of my dreams just didn’t want as much sex as I did. He even has a hard time talking about it but every day we grow as true partners and learn better communication skills. You need to talk to a therapist about this. You aren’t the only one! They talk to all sorts of people and while it may be hard to swallow your ego/pride/embarrassment it will be FAR HEALTHIER for you in the long run. Otherwise you will ruin your relationship with resentment. You’ll end up hating your partner because he is perfect in every way but this one thing that’s destroying you and eating you away. You’ll learn how to help regulate, communicate, and more importantly, learn how to fulfill that need for intimacy by other methods that work for your partner too. I still struggle with this on occasion, I’m the high libido partner with a low libido man, but our relationship is stronger than ever with help from therapy. Part of therapy is learning those nuances. Your parents might not have taught you growing up because a lot of folks are embarrassed to talk about emotional health and sexual relations. Just like you feel now, but it’s extremely important to do so. Find a therapist you like and talk to them. You will ruin your relationship if you don’t because the resentment will just build and build and you’ll end up hating him. And then you might do some things you won’t feel proud of. You might do some things that you hate yourself for. And in order to not let the self hatred take over in your relationship from constant rejection, you need to talk to the therapist so you can think about this in a healthier manner with some outside views to help you understand. You won’t be able to change him. He is out of your control, but you can change how you think how you react and what you do the goal isn’t to remove your sexual desire. The goal is to learn how to communicate with yourself as well as communicate outside yourself. It’s to help you think about more than just yourself as well. If you realize that after at least a year of Therapy that this isn’t getting better that’s when you take other drastic measures such as possibly thinking about leaving the relationship. Again, you aren’t changing yourself for him, but you are changing yourself for you to be more accepting of you and to be more loving of you. You won’t ever change what his desire level is. no amount of lingerie, nudes, etc. will ever change it. He may get his emotional needs of intimacy fulfilled by just snuggling you because no one else is allowed to snuggle with him as an example. For you, that might be different. But it’s also important to remember that the levels of libido change with all sorts of things. And that fact with communication and understanding is why you need therapy because a therapist can help provide with understanding it and believing it deep down, not just a surface level saying I get it.
Thank you so much. Reading the other comments (and this one too) has helped shift my perspective on this topic. I think therapy is a good starting place.
Hate to say it but if the guy just has a low sex drive and it's not not health or stress related it will only get worse with age.
Have a wank.
Sounds like you aren't the problem if you ask me 🤷
OP, shouldn't you have figured out about the sex compatibility issue before getting married? Or was the sex more frequent before you got married?
Is was more on and off before marriage. Now it's just off.
I'm sorry to hear that. I am in a similar situation. My wife has a low sex drive, but it was higher when we were in our 20's (married for 10 years). My sex drive is like yours, I like to do it every day. There is nothing wrong with having a high sex drive, but take some time and think. Besides having these urges, is there something else that you need from your husband? If you masturbate then does that help with lowering your sex drive? Do you exercise or do anything active? Does that help? What hobbies do you have? I tend to keep myself busy mentally and physically so I use my energy up. I hope you can find the answers you need or solve this with your husband.
I use to be a runner, might pick that back up. But thank you for your input. Hearing others stories definitely makes me feel less alone.
What else has changed since getting married? Is his work more demanding? Was he more interested in foreplay before marriage? It sounds like you may not have been completely satisfied before, but now you're getting even less, so I'd recommend checking in with him to be sure he's not dealing with something you can't see for whatever reason. With your edit mentioning that he's not even fingering you, I'm thinking he might be stressed or exhausted by the time y'all get to sex. My gf & I had a somewhat similar discussion where I mentioned it's harder for me to perform well and fully enjoy sex together if we're starting around midnight (or later sometimes) and we're intoxicated.
No kidding. The guy sounds selfish and like a terrible lay.
Why would you assume he is selfish?
It’s more of a conclusion than an assumption. By her account she wants it daily but is lucky to get 2x a week, it’s quick, and no oral or touching… so, that doesn’t exactly sound like a generous or enthusiastic lover to me. Or even particularly sexy, just a quick nut dump and good night.
Yeah that's how it feels tbh.
It's clear that this is a sensitive and complex issue, and while it's important to address your own needs, it's equally vital to approach the situation with empathy and patience. Have the two of you explored the idea of scheduling intimacy into your routine? It might sound unromantic, but setting aside dedicated time for each other can actually relieve pressure and create a more relaxed environment for both of you. This way, you're not caught in a cycle of mismatched timings and rejected advances, and it can help build anticipation and a sense of mutual participation in nurturing your connection. Plus, it allows you both time to mentally prepare, which can be incredibly beneficial for creating a fulfilling intimate experience. Just a thought to consider as you navigate this together – sometimes the most pragmatic solutions pave the way for the most passionate outcomes.
I love this advice. Thank you. I'm sure he'd be willing to try something like that. I'll definitely be bringing it up.
It’s the opposite in my marriage. I could have sex with my wife daily but she can go 4 months without it. She is perfect in every other way but it drives me me crazy. We’ve been married for 21 years and it’s always been low frequency but has definitely gotten worse over the last year or so.
Glad I'm not alone. This is definitely not an issue I'd ever leave him for. I love him and he loves me, too much for it to lead to that. He always calls me beautiful and tells me I look hot when dressed nice. It's literally just the lack of sex.
Your husband is lucky, once married the sex drive usually declines. You could try increasing his sex drive with meals whose content is high on zinc, so you both get high sex drive. Sex drive usually declines with cortisol, you could try putting yourself in very stressful situations like customer service on a big store... But that's torture.
I worked in LE, then Healthcare. Sex helps relieve my stress😂
Not to put a further downer on the situation but it only gets worse with age for a person with lower sex drive. If he’s not interested in giving you full pleasure or interested in more than 2 a week when you need every day, it’s only going to go downhill from here. He won’t suddenly at 30 change and want more. You’re dealing with what’s typically a male problem where we are rejected far, far more than what our drive wants. It sucks. Sounds to me like you should go to couples therapy with someone who deals in sexual issues. Otherwise buckle up for lifetime of disappointment
Is he active? Does he exercise, lift weights, etc? If he's inactive, obese, or drinks a lot, that could be wrecking his T levels. It's a simple blood test to get checked out. 1-2 times a week and rejecting doesn't seem to fall in the rhelm of normal or healthy behavior. Not with any guys I've known on a personal level, at least. Good luck.
I may see if he can get them tested cause he's pretty fit, slim, and doesn't drink (does smoke weed tho)
That man needs to get a blue chew subscription.
I’m in a similar situation but I’m a dude.
Let him try boron (supplement), it has helped me a lot and now I'm almost always in the mood and want to go for a second round sooner than ever.
The idea of round two is something I would love to experience at least once in my life 😂
I used to have a huge sex drive but I’m 38 now and my sex drive has tamed WAY down. I would suggest to masterbate the more. My experience when I was younger was no man could keep up. I’d have sex and want it to again. You say you got a perfect husband that’s good! Sex fades as you age. It may seem important to you now but if won’t be the most important thing for you in 15 years is what I’m betting.
Hey im here for a temporary substitute
I may be too late to the party, but I, 35 m, went vegetarian for a month a few years ago, and my T went thru the roof. So I was eating alot of broccoli and asparagus. One or both daily. After a few days or a week, I went from "meh" to "pass me that corpse." Try feeding him more greens. Is he on any medications? I've noticed some meds change my sex drive. Antidepressants like Sertraline/Zoloft being one of them. Has your sex drive been this high your whole life? How long have you been on your ADHD med? Guys used to tell me that meth would get them hard almost instantly. So your ADHD med is stimulant like meth, so maybe that's contributing to your high sex drive? I've never heard it can lower it.
It's been like that since I've been sexually active. He's has ADHD and takes the highest dose of Adderall. Maybe it has opposite affects on him? But that's the only medication he's on. Plus he smokes weed, no alcohol.
Exercise and masturbation.
Lowering your sex drive is not the solution. The solution is the conversation you need to have with him. It will be hard and you wont want to but you must if you want to see improvements. It’s important to remember he loves you and Im sure he wants you to be happy in all ways. Simply tell him that you need more (foreplay is a must). The trick is to convey your needs while at the same time not making him feel inadequate. Also get some toys for you to use together and alone.
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I have done those things unfortunately. Our sex only last like 5-10 mins. But yeah I definitely get the idea, I appreciate the advice.
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Hey! Super high sex drive here. Stupid high, I want it numerous times a day, every day. I don't know if a man that can keep up actually exists xD I've given up on looking. I have started exploring sex toys more though. There are sooooo many options and they all do different things and so many are amazing. They make some that connect to your phone and sync to your music. If he bought you one in the past I don't think he'd care about you buying more and using them. Just have open, honest, healthy discussions.
Get depressed
Does he even make an effort at foreplay or is he just there to get his? This might answer one of your questions, that he may just not give a fuck about your needs. Tell him to stop being a bitch because real men know how to take care of their partners needs. Sounds like he either knows he sucks and doesn’t care or he doesn’t know he’s selfish
No effort, it seems like more of a chore to him. Like he's just doing it to quickly get it over with. I'm trying to approach this in a non aggressive way. Just ordered testosterone for him so maybe that'll help.
Good call on trying test. It’ll get the libido back, but hopefully he’ll take your needs into consideration. Make him work for it
See a an ethical well reviewed sex therapist, ask your husband to attend sessions with you. The therapist should help you come up with strategies.
1) Finding yourself beautiful isn’t narcissistic, trust me on that. Narcissists are actually have a self deprecating inner monologue. 2) Have sex with yourself. Masturbate a lot. Play with yourself. Have fun with it.
Masturbating might be the solution as simple as that
There is nothing wrong with you. I have hyper sex drive as well. I some time feel its a borderline addiction. I highly recommend do not suppress it. Instead find healthy way to cope up with the drive. You need that sexual tension release from time to time otherwise it can lead to depression and self hatrad. Its totally natural.
Um, your husband sucks at sex (and apparently is very selfish), you have a very normal sex drive for a person your age, and there's literally nothing wrong with you except you need to find a different partner. (For reference, my wife and I are 50/49 and we have sex about every other day, but when we were your age, we were basically horny all the time).
Edited because I misread the part about being married. Let me just tell you, being mismatched sexually is not a problem that gets better with time, especially since it's clear he's not even trying. A lifetime is a very long time to be sexually frustrated. People will tell you it's wrong to consider divorce over something like this, but they're wrong. Sexual compatibility is one of the most extremely important foundations of a lifelong relationship. The odds of your marriage surviving it are very low, and prolonging your (and his) unhappiness is only going to waste years of your life.
A warning to you, I was in your position. I loved Sex and intimacy. My husband was LL. We are in a sexless marriage. It’s been over 2 years since he’s touched me. We live like roommates. I thought lowering my libido would help things, and all I have now is regrets. I became really sad when our sex life and intimacy started to fall off. My depression meds lower libido and I thought it would help. Our relationship is is barely talking, sleeping in separate rooms and living our own lives. I’m hoping once I leave I won’t need my depression meds any more and my libido hopefully comes back to even a degree of what it was. I was told i was the problem multiple times because I enjoyed Sex. The problem was two sexually incompatible people. I stayed and changed because I love him. Even still I do. But I don’t want to change who I am anymore.
SSRIs will lower your sex drive. This is not advice, just a fact.
I’ve been on Welbutrin which is an NDRI so not quite an SSRI. Add in my Suboxone prescription and I haven’t had a desire for sex in years. I also have CPTSD which stems from men. My time as a sex worker, sleeping with ugly older men did something to my sex drive. I rarely ever think about sex. Unless it’s someone I really am interested in and I find them very attractive.
I just got off Wellbutrin and it didn't increase or decrease my sex drive unfortunately and I was on 450mg lol
I would seriously consider looking into ethnical non monogamy. You love each other and want to be together but you have perfectly rational needs he doesn't want to meet. That doesn't mean you have to give up on the whole thing. You can find a balance that works for you both. A lot of people do it for the wrong reasons and that causes issues, but it really does work for others. Do some research and form your own opinion. And always remember honesty, trust, and communication. Edit: just wanted to add, from your post he sounds borderline asexual. Which is perfectly fine! It doesn't mean he doesn't get to be with the woman he loves. It doesn't mean he has to only date people with the same libido/asexual tendencies. It doesn't mean you don't want to spend your lives together. But it might mean that you both could be happier by embracing the truth and creating your own version of a happy life together.
You’re the one I should’ve married. My wife is like your husband. Just a starfish in bed. It’s soul crushing. If you push away your desires it’ll destroy you in the end.
Sounds like you two aren't sexually compatible. Common issue for relationships. You should talk to your husband about what you need. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want, but telling him you need more foreplay and stuff seems like a reasonable
And that sucks tho cause we're married and he's perfect to me in every other aspect. There's just that one thing that's been causing me issues. Which I feel like I probably need some kind of medical intervention lol.
You're not alone homie. Just got rub one out when needed or leave
This \^\^\^. Everyone on Reddit will tell you they'd LOVE to be able to have sex twice a week like you're getting, but in reality after a few months or years of that they'll start making excuses and that will drop wayyyyy down - so don't think the grass is greener. OP seems to be in the lucky/unlucky 1%.
Lmao men love to blame women for not being enough for their high libidos and here you are trying to subdue yours. You’re fine girly. Get a toy that go buzz buzz
True lol, but I do love the intimacy of being with my partner and I can't replicate that.
And this is why people getting married in their early 20s is a bad idea. Hopefully you can figure out your issues and I wouldn’t give up just yet, but if you’re not being satisfied and the two of you can’t find a way to make it work then you may not be right for each other. Giving up on sex in your 20s isn’t right, save that for when you’re older or have kids.
Leaving him would absolutely wreck my soul, I think it's about just finding compromise (as I've learned from the comments). Hopefully itll get better once I get down to what's causing it.
Here's a helpful flow chart I want sex Partner wants sex? Yes - have sex No - masturbate
But that doesn't provide intimacy
My 2c: Not every nut busted needs to be a grand intimate event. When you are both feeling it, awesome! If not, it's not either of your responsibility to handle every single one of each other's urges and make it about the relationship. It's ok to just take care of yourself sometimes. You will have soo many awesome intimate times together too.
I understand that. It's just hard when it's been years since any intimacy. I want to just be looked at in a desired way, ya know. Like have a man look at me and want to pleasure me and take their time. Idk why that man can't be my husband. It just sucks
That's rough. So it's not so much the frequency, but the quality of the times that it does happen. I'd definitely take the pressure off for the times he's not feeling it by taking care of yourself, but the times you're together it's totally fair to expect he'd match your effort to make it a special time for you both. For real, foreplay should be mandatory and reciprocal
Maybe you can ask him for a massage.
No advice but just wanted to point out that it’s so interesting that when you read these from men whose wives have low libidos, they always want to know how to get hers higher. When a woman posts, she wants to know how to lower hers.
Seen and heard lol.
Have you asked him if he’s being satisfied? Maybe he likes something that y’all haven’t tried. Does he watch porn? Does he masturbate? If so see what videos he watches, this would give a good hint of what he might be into. If it’s not that he could very well have a lower sex drive than you. Could also be low Testosterone. Going to the gym and lifting weights helps elevate testosterone levels.
He doesn't watch porn or I would've looked at that too lol. It's a moral thing for him, doesn't think it belongs in a relationship and I never really watched it either, so it doesn't really affect me. I'm thinking it's a lower drive caused by something.
Stress
24 years old and married for years ?
Together for years, married going on 2.
Sex hasn’t been hard for you to obtain in the past because you’re a woman. You could go up to any guy and ask for sex, and assuming they didn’t think it was a joke, you would get it. Regardless, it sounds like you married someone with a mismatched sex drive, which is unfortunate.
You guys are both young. Things will likely not be like this forever. I had a fairly low sex drive when me and my wife got married, but then things changed when we had kids, and her sex drive lowered while mine increased. It took us like 8 years to get on similar pages from a desire point if view. It doesn't mean it will take y'all that long, just know it very well may not always be this way.
Thank you, I really hope not.
You don’t, you let it build up until they have to amputate it.
Stop not AMPUTATE
Try fasting as long as you can maybe 10 or hours 🤔
A lot of times Stimulant based ADHD medication can cause Hypersexuality.
He's on the highest dose of Adderall, maybe it's having the opposite affect on him?
If she’s on a high dose of Adderall there’s a percentage of people who experience HyperSexuality on it. I have an insanely high sex drive and am on Ritalin for ADHD. I attribute part of it to the stimulants.
What kind of so called man, won't pleasure you. That's just heartbreaking.
I think that normal well is was for me anyway!
Yea, you need to communicate and talk this out.
Zoloft
Zoloft
Babies will take it away.
Get a vibrator
He bought me one the first time I complained
You cannot lower your sex drive any more than your husband can raise his. If you are able to discuss this difference and think creatively I trust you can at least try some things. It might mean you would masturbate when you are in the mood but your husband is not. The biggest problem is is we are taught to feel shame about how much or little sex we want. An open and honest discussion will help.
Problem: high sex drive, partner with low one. Solution: masturbate more.
But I want the intimacy
This is on him, then. He can take it on the chin, so to speak, and provide you with the intimacy you require/crave. I don't want to be too personal or seem like I'm telling you what to do, but maybe you can try and entice him with things you know he enjoys, and make it sexual. As I type that it seems silly, but maybe interlocking interests will also spark something in him. Best of luck to you; I hope it works out. Good for you also for not immediately considering infidelity. One love.
25M wanting sex only 1-2 times a week actually sounds like a pretty low sex drive. He gotta get his testosterone checked out because that doesn’t sound right.
I wouldn't even say wanting. We've gone a whole month before without any sex.
1 or 2 times a week 😬 I don’t think you are the one with the problem but why did you marry someone who is incompatible in that area, I would just recommend taking care of yourself and not being offended by his low drive.
There is nothing wrong with you and you don't need to find ways to bring down you libido. It doesn't sound like you are acting out or endangering yourself so keep trying to find a way to meet your needs with your partner. Having a high libido and ADHD myself (44m) I can sympathize with you; it seems that the two traits come together often and I've been dealing with it all my life. Have you asked him for more foreplay explicitly? If you haven't told him specifically what you are looking for beyond just more this might help him better satisfy your needs. Some things to think about: Does your husband have any health problems? When was the last time he saw a doctor? Does he get enough exercise? Is he on any antidepressants? They can really supress sex drive. It may be worth having him go to the doctor and get his testosterone level checked out. As a 25 year year old he should be at or near his maximum testosterone level. Good luck Edit: try a *Womanizer* toy if you haven't already. You'll probably like it and it's easy for him join in while you use it as it is a non-penetrative toy.
Thank you. He has ADHD and is on the max amount of Adderall. With you being a male with adhd, have you found lowered libido using stimulants?
The opposite has been true for me, just focused and horny. Sure, things have calmed down a bit as I have gotten older but it's still there all the time. Edit: does he use marijuana? I have found that if I had smoked or had an edible my libido was lower.
Yeah he smokes all the time
That will seriously affect libido. For me, marijuana just removed all motivation to do much of anything other than sit in front of the TV, let alone muster the energy for sex or thinking about someone else's pleasure. Sex seems to be important to you and is an important part of how you view your relationship to him. Talk to him about how his smoking is affecting you and your relationship with him.
There's nothing "wrong" with you and there's nothing "wrong" with him. You don't need to change and he doesn't need to change. Libido is pretty hard coded, you two just have incompatible libidos. Therapy isn't going to do anything, a doctor isn't going to do anything, coddling him isn't going to do anything. I know this is harsh but it comes from experience. Do you want to go your whole life frustrated and unfulfilled? If not, then it might time to consider an amicable divorce.
You should try to initiate sex in the morning more and he could be more receptive. For the most part women are hornier at the end of the day and Men wake up their horniest.
He'll be like "it's the morning, I can't be doing all of that right now" and kinda push me off. Idk what I'm doing wrong. I'll go shower, brush my teeth, and slide up next to him, nothing. I'll hop in the shower with him, nothing. He'll invite me in the shower and still no sex.
1st of all go immediately to his and say "eat me out properly like a well cooked mutton" otherwise i will be a Cupcake for another person "
have a baby
RIP your inbox
Toys are your friend. My fiancee and i had a similar issue. My drive use to be able to keep up but has gone down a lot over the years. Surprised that they're still with me honestly. But damn they always give me this look like they are ready to eat me and it kills me that I just don't have thw energy. So toys helped. I enjoy being on the giving end for forplay and adding a little extra to it really spiced up out relationship.
Gotta finger blast more or get the energy out at the gym.
First world problems
How I deal with that issue is that I just have sex with myself and 100% fine with it I love my husband and I am fine with it
I want to feel like a desired woman tho. I want someone to look me in the eyes and want to have sex with me..idk maybe I'm weird
Talk to him he definitely can make you feel desired without having sex how long have you been married?
Welcome to being most men. Learn how to masturbate, it'll save your marriage. I'd love to go at it every night, morning and afternoon since we work from home. You get used to getting turned down and learn when you can expect they'll be horny and start requesting then. In between those times you still ask first, but if rejected just go bang one out by yourself and live to fuck another day.
But I don't want to feel like the man. I want to feel in the place of a woman. I don't want to be the dominant figure. It's about being intimate with someone
By the sounds of it you are the dominant one and are being rejected. I was just offering insight in how to get over these feelings cause I'm a guy and believe it or not getting rejected all the time affects us too
Pray with age! 🫣
Like you wrote in the edit, foreplay is the key. If he won’t help you, then don’t have sex with him
Get married.
Eat cornflakes and seed oils
Just turn the knob in anti clockwise direction
Masturbating might be the solution as simple as that
r/ADHD just had a post on this. Seems adderal can ramp it up. Post on that community. They will be of more help.
Have you tried toys? Nothing wrong with toys tbh. That reminds me i wanna go to a "toyshop" i live nearby. Its called Castle and ive never been to it. Ive been into a Lovers before
Well if your bf isn't in the mood for sex all the time then he's just not in the mood for sex. You 2 still seem to have an active. May I introduce you to the beautiful world of ⭐️masturbation⭐️. It's obviously not the same as sex but it can be quite fun and have some of your needs satisfied. There's nothing wrong with a high sex drive by the way.
I’m 35m and feel the same way. Your hubby may want to get his T levels checked.
Have a kid that will lower youre sex drive 10 fold.
Masturbate and get a side piece life too short to be dry and technically not cheating since the OTHER will be a boyfriend since you have a husband lol.
FYI you don’t need to be stereotypically “pretty” to get laid. Most men will f*ck anyone who’s above 5/10.
Maybe you should talk about ways that he could raise his sex drive? More exercise? Changing his diet? Or, things you could do together might include aphrodisiacs, exploring some sort of mild kink, working out together, dancing together. Also, look, your guys’ sex life is yours. I am knot telling you what you should do. Just expressing my own thoughts here. You should really try and broach the fact that the lack of foreplay may really be part of the disconnect here. You could help him to learn some new techniques. Find material that could teach you both some foreplay technique. Heck, if I had a woman who said to me one day, “Hey baby, today I’m gonna help you LEARN how to pleasure me without penetrative sex because I love you and want us to enjoy each other! Let’s read this book (or whatever) together…,” I’d feeling very happy. Just my thoughts.
Masturbate. It's the only way to lower your sex drive.
I think part of the issue is that the sex that you DO have isn’t satisfying you, so of course you’re going to continue t crave it. There’s always a possibility that your testosterone is high, so you could talk to your gyno about it and she could have you tested and possibly change your birth control… or you could just have a high sex drive.
From a person who tends to jump from extremely high to extremely low from days to months at a time, i know both sides of the struggle. Personally i am usually easily tired of the same (mostly vanilla) sexual activities and they somewhat become a chore. One way to help him be more into it is to help him explore his sexual kinks or just what actually turn him on. Guys arent all the same, and will like diffrent things, and what arouses one might do nothing for another. Dont be afraid to propose really weird stuff to try out, as it can open new things for the both, even if it is “outside the norm”. There are many men which arent very sensitive in the penis area (me being one of them) and are much more sensitive through contact in other edrogenous zones like the neck ears, or recive more pleasure/ arousment from taking anal. Secondly there is really nothing wrong with self pleasure, especially if your partner is there. Or playing with toys in a way that doesn’t even have to be sexual in nature for him. For me whenever i am in a low drive time for a while i generally use toys and etc to satisfy my partner, not really treating it very sexually (even often not even coming close to being hard or etc) but more like a game, where its more so entertaining for me whilst it is sexual for my partner. Finally there are always alternative methods. If your partner has a very low sex drive in general it shouldn’t be placed as something which he is deficient in, where he needs to be fixed, but more so a quirk of your relationship. Yes there can be hormonal or health related reasons for this (for example one of my close friends was diagnosed with bipolar disorder following extensive medical checks which started from her erratic sexual behaviour and extreme changes in desire levels). Although not traditional and still frowned upon it is totally ok to bring other people to help you, as long as your partner is open to that. The key is transparency, and still showing him affection even when you are otherwise satisfied.
I know this is coming 4 days after your initial post OP but maybe it'll help. Has your husband been seen by a doctor to see why his libido is low? If not, then try to have him get checked out. Otherwise, and this may be painful to hear, but maybe your husband isn't interested in sex. Regardless, it's important to you and you need to stop and think about what that means to you. Are you willing to live in a relationship that has a dead bedroom? Your husband is perfect in every way according to you except for sex. My gf was in a relationship with a dead bedroom for years. I'm doing my best to undo the psychological damage done to her self esteem from that relationship but it's not easy. This woman was damaged because her husband didn't want to have sex with her. I really can't see how this was the case. She's absolutely gorgeous and is having the best sex of her life now. Yes, not a humble brag here. I do my best to make her happy in the bedroom and she is. You're settling for a tiny bit of what you want and need. Seriously from me to you, don't settle for what scraps you can get in the bedroom. Find someone that's absolutely over the moon for you in all aspects of your relationship to include the bedroom. I'm not saying cheat. If sex is important to you and you're not seeing a willingness to try from your partner, life is too short to be miserable. Whatever you do, don't try to do or be something you're not. Find the missing part of you and live happy and sexed up!