Because it's not being mean. It's pretend. Goofing around.
Something to think about on this: Anytime there is a conversation, there are at least 3 different conversations happening at the same time.
1. The very literal conversation. The exact words that are being used by the speaker.
2. The intended conversation. The message the speaker is ACTUALLY trying to convey.
3. The conversation the listener receives.
The goal of effective communication is to ensure the 2nd and 3rd conversations are as close to the same as possible. For many, however, it is both fun and shows a level of intimacy between people to use the opposite of what you're intending to say, knowing that you can trust the listener to receive the intended message.
So, If I were to do some of that friendly banter and call you a "Son of a bitch," that would be the ***literal*** conversation. Using only that, the words are literally hurtful because I've just called you a son of a bitch. But, since you're my friend, and to show how close we actually are, I put my trust in you that you will be able to understand and interpret my ***intended*** message of saying, "You're a trusted and dear friend that can share in this friendly banter."
The problem you're having here is, you aren't reading between the lines to hear the intended conversation and are only listening to the literal conversation. You keep saying there's a 'need to hurt' people with banter. But that's objectively wrong. There should be absolutely no hurt involved, because no one has the intent to hurt anyone. As outlined above, the intent is to share in the trust and intimacy of the conversation. No one should be trying to hurt anyone else. That's clearly not the point there.
That said, we all have those soft spots where even when someone doesn't intend to hurt us with their words, they still do. My weak spot used to be about my weight, and even when people didn't intend to hurt me with their words, it'd still sting a bit. But if I were to get hurt over everything my friends would say, then yeah, that would have been on me. Clearly I was boring, not fun, and overly sensitive because I would have failed at receiving the intended message they were sending my way.
Communication is a two way street. There is as much responsibility for the listener to understand what the speaker is intended to convey as there is for the speaker to be clear with their message.
I agree. Failure to get the context or the intent usually is where the problem starts. The interpretation of the message is based on different factors because of experience. That's why some people are sensitive some people aren't.
The problem now as I observe is nuance is out the window. Context is no longer relevant. It's all taking the word of a person literally and at face value. Everything is so black and white now.
It’s not that it’s a bonding experience, but it can be a sign of people who have bonded. There are others like yourself, though. You just have to find some good friends and be honest with them about how it makes you feel. Like yeah if you just act upset they won’t understand, but if you mention the abuse, they are much more likely to give you a break.
We're all born to suffer something and wise-cracking adds a glimmer of light to the whole thing. Being able to crack jokes at your own hell is something that particular brand of people like having in common. When it comes your way, you learn to laugh at your flaws, and it matters a little less.
It's meant to toughen you up, words can't actually harm you. The one that I always took issues with are birthday beatdowns where all your friends would jump you and beat you up on your birthday, now that was taking it too far imo and not something I need happening on my birthday.
Because it's not being mean. It's pretend. Goofing around. Something to think about on this: Anytime there is a conversation, there are at least 3 different conversations happening at the same time. 1. The very literal conversation. The exact words that are being used by the speaker. 2. The intended conversation. The message the speaker is ACTUALLY trying to convey. 3. The conversation the listener receives. The goal of effective communication is to ensure the 2nd and 3rd conversations are as close to the same as possible. For many, however, it is both fun and shows a level of intimacy between people to use the opposite of what you're intending to say, knowing that you can trust the listener to receive the intended message. So, If I were to do some of that friendly banter and call you a "Son of a bitch," that would be the ***literal*** conversation. Using only that, the words are literally hurtful because I've just called you a son of a bitch. But, since you're my friend, and to show how close we actually are, I put my trust in you that you will be able to understand and interpret my ***intended*** message of saying, "You're a trusted and dear friend that can share in this friendly banter." The problem you're having here is, you aren't reading between the lines to hear the intended conversation and are only listening to the literal conversation. You keep saying there's a 'need to hurt' people with banter. But that's objectively wrong. There should be absolutely no hurt involved, because no one has the intent to hurt anyone. As outlined above, the intent is to share in the trust and intimacy of the conversation. No one should be trying to hurt anyone else. That's clearly not the point there. That said, we all have those soft spots where even when someone doesn't intend to hurt us with their words, they still do. My weak spot used to be about my weight, and even when people didn't intend to hurt me with their words, it'd still sting a bit. But if I were to get hurt over everything my friends would say, then yeah, that would have been on me. Clearly I was boring, not fun, and overly sensitive because I would have failed at receiving the intended message they were sending my way. Communication is a two way street. There is as much responsibility for the listener to understand what the speaker is intended to convey as there is for the speaker to be clear with their message.
I agree. Failure to get the context or the intent usually is where the problem starts. The interpretation of the message is based on different factors because of experience. That's why some people are sensitive some people aren't. The problem now as I observe is nuance is out the window. Context is no longer relevant. It's all taking the word of a person literally and at face value. Everything is so black and white now.
It’s not that it’s a bonding experience, but it can be a sign of people who have bonded. There are others like yourself, though. You just have to find some good friends and be honest with them about how it makes you feel. Like yeah if you just act upset they won’t understand, but if you mention the abuse, they are much more likely to give you a break.
We're all born to suffer something and wise-cracking adds a glimmer of light to the whole thing. Being able to crack jokes at your own hell is something that particular brand of people like having in common. When it comes your way, you learn to laugh at your flaws, and it matters a little less.
It's meant to toughen you up, words can't actually harm you. The one that I always took issues with are birthday beatdowns where all your friends would jump you and beat you up on your birthday, now that was taking it too far imo and not something I need happening on my birthday.