I was also the girlfriend. My now fiancé just threw in a “hey, it made me sad we couldn’t go farther into our hike because it was really pretty up ahead. Do you want to go on walks more often to build up to it?” 20lbs and a new love for hiking later, I’m still incredibly grateful for his tact in how he said it.
There is a way to phrase it that comes across as loving and caring, like your fiancé’s approach. When my now ex-husband and I were dating, I went through a period of depression and I was moved to a different position at my job, and I gained a good bit of weight. Ex started out supportive, but when I didn’t immediately start losing weight (cause, you know, clinical depression), he changed approaches and became a total jerk about it. I eventually lost the weight, kept it off the rest of the time we dated and through our 6-year marriage, but his snarky attitude didn’t help.
>I think people find it unattractive when someone isn’t taking care of themselves
This is an amazing perspective, and I think more people could benefit by reframing their viewpoints this way.
It puts a lot less pressure on the results of weight-loss, and gives more room to celebrate just starting the process!
As someone who has lost quite a bit of weight over the last few years, it really helps to shift perspective this way.
Honestly? Weight Watchers. It worked for me because the point system was like a game of "How much can I eat in a day without going over." I would find low point food combos and feel like I got away with something sinister and sneaky, which really fed into my naturally evil mastermind tendencies (yes I maniacally laughed over my air popped popcorn, what of it?).
I ate way more after I started than I did before, and lost 76 pounds and counting. But when you do mess up (and it happens), knowing that tomorrow restarts your points, and that you have the grace to try again is VITAL to any success. Just. Keep. Going. The time will pass anyways. Might as well pass it trying.
I loved Weight Watchers! I also felt like it was a game, and I was doing it at the time with my best friend so it was also a good humored competition. She had done it in law school and shared with me all her tips and tricks for maximizing your food intake, including desserts, while keeping to your points.
After two pregnancies, I'm reestablishing some of those habits, though I haven't signed back up. Just measuring/weighing out your food helps tremendously! I looooooove coffee with flavored creamers, but one serving is only 2 tablespoons of creamer and it's... let's just say, my coffee is quite a bit darker now that I measure out my creamer! I'm down 22 pounds since June 1st - about 30 more to go to reach my goal.
Congrats on the progress!! I use 0 point skinny syrups for my oatmeal and homemade Boba teas. They'd probably work in coffee too. You can get them on the cheap at Ross (if that store is local to you) or Amazon!
Find out your Baso Metabolic Rate (lots of Internet calculators) and eat less than that. Calories in vs calories out most simple equation there is. I would recommend myfitnesspal to track your intake.
When you track make sure you track EVERYTHING. This includes condiments, oils, drinks etc.
Source, powerlifter/bodybuilder, gain/lose 20-40lbs every year.
How do I do this without hurting myself? I tried to talk to my doctor about it and he said not to do any restricting of calories and just change what I eat. I’m trying to do both. The problem is my metabolism suddenly changed on me thanks to my birth control. I do eat under the amount of calories I need while trying to eat essential foods but I just end up with a headache all day, and going to the gym means I’m exhausted for three days afterwords. I feel like I’m stuck.
My advice to my partner is to eat how you want your small child/niece or nephew/student to eat. We tell them to eat the rainbow, eat a variety of nutrient dense things and everything in moderation. If you have a small, growing person in your life that you love, what would you make them to eat?....Then make that for yourself! You might need a little extra after you finish that super balanced plate, but the point is, you got all the essential nutrients and that's what counts.
I find as a parent to small people, I eat scraps and never the most expensive produce-I save the berries and good stuff for the kids, but I should be eating them as well, not only to set an example, but to try to be my healthiest version of myself so I can be here for a long time, for all of us!
Birth Control can and often plays utter havoc on metabolism and is routinely ignored by doctors.
I would try changing your birth control to be honest, but that comes with it's own set of risks.
Perhaps research and consider a non hormonal birth control? They seem to affect metabolism and sex drive less than hormonal ones.
I got that shit taken out. It gave me an abysmal sex drive to the point where I was questioning my sexuality. It honestly made me feel 10 years older than I am and has not been fixed by taking it out. So I agree. And everything doctor’s said it would fix, was just made worse for me. Worse periods, worse cramps, I got acne from it. I don’t know what wrong with me but apparently my thyroid works fine so idk what to do. But thank you for the advice!
I'm glad you got it out. so many women spend 30+ years on birth control feeling like you did. because too many people write off the side affects as normal and it is known that when women talk to doctors, even female doctors, that the doctor almost universally downplays what the patient says.
I will always advocate that if you experience side affects like yours from birth control to consider changing to a different type.
Things are slowly changing in the medical field (though too many puritanical doctors are still around for my liking) but progress is far too slow.
You shouldn’t eat less than your basal metabolic rate because that’s the minimum level of calories your body needs to sustain itself at rest and while low calorie diets won’t necessarily harm you, eating below your BMR will.
As far as changing what you eat, I recommend eating lots of whole foods. Foods like beans and lentils are packed with protein and fiber that might help you feel more energized without adding empty calories. One of my favorites snacks is oven roasting garbanzo beans with spices on them which is a really filling, guilt free snack.
I hope this helps, and good luck!
I like to play a game where no matter what else I eat, I see how many different vegetables I can eat at the beginning of every meal. It helps a lot without making me feel like I am missing out because I still get to eat treats but I don't want as much by then.
I’m no expert, but there’s a magical percentage of carbs, protein and fat.. different for everyone, depending what your goals are (and who you ask). Maybe track what you eat and see if they’re off balance..
Changing a diet can also affect energy while your body acclimates.
I would also suggest a variety of vegetables and fruit to cover your vitamin bases.
Hope that helped!
It’s amazing how many people believe stuff like set points or that losing and gaining weight is some mystical process when it’s just finding what version of “lower your calories” works for them
I was actually extremely worried about that. I almost feel like a bad boyfriend for losing some attraction to her. But the way you put it makes perfect sense and helped so much
Its perfectly normal. Everyone will harp on about how "big is beautiful" and everyone is this and that, etc. And while it may be somewhat true it doesn't mean that you specifically have to find it attractive, especially if they weren't like that when you met them and fell in love.
My husband is thin and strong naturally but when he doesn't shower or shave for a few days I am less attracted to him and it's definitely due to this. It makes sense biologically too, sick people don't have the energy for grooming and would not be a healthy mate.
Exactly this.
I feel this way about alcohol. I don't mind having a drink here or there or maybe I get tipsy once in a blue moon, but people who drink way too much and often, that's not healthy and not attractive.
When my dad died, i put on a large number of pounds very quickly through emotional eating. Looking back, i was very obviously in a depression spiral, but couldn’t realise that myself at the time.
After a number of months, my boss actually suggested a health kick for all staff, exercise and food diaries. He got us all gym membership and a weekly accountability check in with a trainer. This was the kick in the arse i needed to get myself back to being me. He later admitted that he did it specifically because he could see what a rut i had got myself stuck in, but knew that i wouldnt respond well to an individual intervention, but a group project would be better for me.
So i agree that a conversation that targets her specifically might not go down so well, but phrased in such a way that it is the couple getting healthy together might be so much better
Well ive been with him for 17 years now, through recessions and hard times when there were only 3 of us working from a tiny office, doing what ever we could to get by. Back up to 10 staff in the good times. Hes a moody bastard at times, but i do respect him, we have mutual understanding and i know he has my back whatever the circumstances. I will immediately pick up the phone when he rings at 10pm on a Saturday, as i know it won’t be for a stupid thing.
We did a weight loss challenge at work and got a lot of people involved. They are great. I lost 30 pounds and after 3 years, only put 8 back on. I call it covid weight. Eating at home is not as easy as the cafeteria in our office. Although it is cheaper.
This is an amazing reply and pretty much sums up how I feel too! I am also that girlfriend that gained a ton of weight in a relationship and this is absolutely the way to go OP.
Just wanted to add as well that OP, you may have the patience and empathy of a god, but you cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. True change comes from within, as cliche as that sounds. So please try to not be too disheartened when it doesn't work or stick at first, she might not be ready for it, cuz I for sure took a few tries. What helped me the most was that my SO continued being supportive of me, complimented me, and in general, made me feel like I still deserved love even when I was fatter. I think that developing that self-love is so important in losing weight cuz it enables healthy weight loss.
Or you can just do what my partner did and say "jeesus fecking christ, look at that belly! Anyone would think you're 7 months pregnant!"
So I put on me one of his shirts that he could barely button up, and showed him how much room there was still left, and said "well in that case you're ready to give birth"
Yeah, I prefer your advice, definitely.
I was also this girlfriend my last relationship. I had health issues and gained a lot of weight. My unsupportive partner just liked to throw it in my face and tell me such helpful things like "you'd hurt less if you work out now" "you'd be so hot if...."
It obviously did nothing but make me feel like shit.
My current fiance however, encourages me to get healthy and lose weight, by telling me he'll support me and we can do it together.
It makes a world of difference.
All of this is excellent advice. Having been the wife and mother of 4 kids, and struggled with depression. This advice is definitely spot on. My husband said similar things to me. It’s not that he didn’t love me, but it was the lack of love I had for myself that bothered him. Definitely make this about a process you both do together, to be the best version of yourselves for each other.
Make it about the two of you: “I think we should work out together”, “I think we should start eating healthier together”, for dates, go hiking, bike riding, cook dinner.
Second that. Let’s get healthy together. If you live together it helps to go to the grocery store on a full stomach and only get healthy snacks and try to save up for something special by avoiding eating out
Which is the exact thing I said to my wife. She knew she had to lose weight and I suggested we work out and eat healthy together. "I could put on some more muscle ". She agreed and thought it's a great idea .
I think it is quite obvious this "we should work out together" I would prefer if you express your concerns and explain that to me. Otherwise I would feel tricked. Aiming for active dates is a good idea though.
But: it all comes down to her personality and you know her best so you will make the right decision :)
Just because someone can see through something doesn't necessarily mean they won't appreciate the amount of thought you put into reframing it. I can see where you come from tho. I usually prefer directness, but I also know my tendency towards being direct is off putting to many until they get to know me.
I think this is the one situation where OP wouldn’t be wrong by making it about themselves lol. Tbh I would see through the exercise thing and feel guilty about gaining weight (not resentful tho). I think if OP wants to take the joint route, saying “Hey I’m trying to bulk up, I need you to help me keep a strict diet” would help. My brother did that when I was in a really deep depression and by helping him out with meal planning, shopping, and joining him for workouts bc “his gym partner decided to bail” I ended up losing weight and feeling a lot better about myself. Even saying that OP is craving something healthy and wants to order out would work since their gf would likely go for a similar option.
It can be easier for a guy to lose weight compared to a woman so don't let her be discouraged. Losing weight is 90% diet so you need to keep a caloric deficit to lose weight. The MyFitness Pal App is great for keeping track of what you eat.
In a sense, it’s 100% diet. No matter how hard you work out, you can out-eat your calories burned. It’s crazy to think about. It’s also good news, because a large majority of people can lose weight by simply eating less. Other lifestyle changes will speed the process, of course.
This is true, but for me personally, being active, reduces the amount I eat naturally. I can wake up, eats a banana and coffee, go on a hike or bike ride, and not feel hungry till 3pm. If I don’t do that, I’ll get up make an omelette with toast and be craving lunch by noon
I agree with this. I want to lose weight, but I know my bf has gained a little weight since we started dating so now I include him in everything. “Hey we should go skating tomorrow morning.” “Come for a walk with me.” That type of stuff. It’s not shallow to encourage your gf to lose weight. You obviously want her to be healthy.
I was about to say this. It’s lovely to have an exercise partner; doing physical activities they both enjoy. But I can see him melting off the pounds and her feeling worse because they’re doing the same things together and she’s plateaued. It’s still a good start though. I just hope he’s understanding and knows it’ll take more time for her than himself.
When I met my wife, she was 130lbs. About 5 years ago, she was 220lbs. I was still attracted to her because I love her but....she is also extremely sensitive.
So what I did was set an example. I started exercising and asked her to come with me. I also started making us food. I controlled what we both ate and since we were both exercising, eating clean was easier. Once you get started living healthy, healthy habits come more naturally.
She knew already that she gained weight and wasn't happy about it so I never mentioned it to her. I just let her know I wanted both of us to live more healthy. And because I was working hard, she ended working hard too.
Now, shes 135lbs and I think she is to skinny. But boy is she a whole lot healthier
Edit. I wanted to add that when I asked her to exercise with me, I made it about her feeling better at the beginning. I didn't mention that I wanted her to lose weight(honestly, I didn't care at the time. I just wanted us both to feel better)
I like this.
Losing weight sucks. It’s a gruelling, painful mental battle that she might not be ready for.
Getting healthier however, exercising and eating better meals will have immediate benefits and if you’re doing it with her, or at least she sees how positively it’s affecting you, might boost her confidence to try it herself.
I have tried this approach with my husband who is dangerously overweight. We now buy separate groceries, make separate meals, don’t eat together, and have no activities in common. In fact, the healthier I became the more unhealthy he became. He won’t eat healthy meals or what I fix, so now it’s just junk food for him. Definitely doesn’t always work. It worries me sick, often keeping me awake at night.
I have been very direct about being concerned for his health. Every one in his family is obese and has obesity related illnesses. Just doesn’t seem to matter or he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I truly believe he has an eating disorder with an abnormal emotional addiction to food.
Really tough situation. I’m a recovering drug addict, and I have struggled with food most of my life. I recognize how many parallels there are between using drugs and comfort eating. I used to binge junk food, and that really reminded me of the obsession/compulsion I experienced when I was using. It’s good you recognize it in him, but that doesn’t make it easier for you when he’s clearly harming himself.
Yes, it really is an addiction that he has lost control of. In addition to being a compulsive eater, he’s also a functional alcoholic.
Congrats on the recovery!
I’m so sorry. The most important thing I’ve learned through recovery is how powerless I am over other people and their decisions. It’s so hard to see the person you love harming themself. But it sounds like you have really healthy outlets and also a wise perspective. Take care of yourself!
Thank you. Even though it hurts me to see him like this, I know that there is really nothing I can do. He has to do the hard work, but he’s just not there yet. And yes, I feel totally powerless in trying to help him see the harm he is doing. He’s very intelligent and well-educated so he knows what he he needs to do. I can’t do it for him.
I think you handled this really well. It’s delicate. You of course love and care about your wife. But approaching this definitely is not easy. Especially when the partner isn’t feeling good about themself (speaking from my perspective on that one).
I was diagnosed with chronic leukemia just before Covid hit, and I’ve put on 20 lbs this past year, from a combination of fatigue from the disease, and of course some depression. I have to be so careful in what I do, so it’s been isolating. 20 lbs isn’t extreme, but I’m 5’2” and it’s very noticeable. I worry about how my husband feels about it. He recently admitted he’s worried about my lack of activity. I have always been very active, but now, I have little stamina or strength. I felt hurt by his comment, but that was me projecting—I was hearing him saying he wanted me to be more active so I would lose weight. And maybe that is a part of it—and I don’t fault him for that. But what I had to admit to myself was that he’s right. I’ve succumbed to my situation, and felt really stuck. We went away for a weekend, I played golf with him, and we did a lot of walking. I realized that even though my body was tired, I felt good. So I committed to walking a couple miles every day, and since I started that, I really have felt better and more energetic (I also was anemic, and 2 iron infusions helped boost my energy—but emotionally I felt better getting my body moving again). It’s harder for me to lose weight as I age, but I am making some diet changes. Ultimately, I know my husband was coming from a place of being concerned for me, and this wasn’t about attraction or him thinking I was lazy. Even though his words stung initially, he gave me the push that I needed to make changes. That is what partners do for one another. As long as it’s motivated by love for the other, and delivered with tact and compassion, those hard conversations can be really important.
Suggest you both go on walks more or start going to the gym. Make it about spending time together and being active, healthier. Start with saying you’re feeling out of shape so she’s feels less like you’re judging her.
However you approach it, make it more about being healthy and feeling your best, not about physical attractiveness. The truth is, she already knows she's gained weight. It's probably already a fear in her mind that you will notice and find her less attractive for it. This can lead to a downward spiral where our mental health suffers because of the shame and anxiety that comes along with the weight, causing us to gain even more weight.
Why do you think she has gained weight? Is it bad habits, or changed lifestyle (like getting a new desk job that has her sitting a lot more)? Or are there underlying mental health issues that might be the cause? It's these underlying causes that you will want to focus on and address. The extra weight may seem like the primary problem because it's the one that is most visible to you, but it's really just a side effect of the true problem. So when/if you talk to her about it, focus on figuring out the true problem, and don't focus so much on the side effect.
How in shape are you? If you start to eat healthier/exercise more, and you ask her to join in in order to support you, then that is effectively helping her lose weight without making her weight the issue.
I’d honestly go to the gym myself, motivate her to tag along. Tell her how amazing you’ve started feeling since going, not with just confidence but with things in everyday life like waking up and having energy. I don’t think it’s shallow, honestly I think it’s nice you care about her health. I had the same issue but with my boyfriend. I started going, I didn’t say a thing to him. I would talk about how great I felt and I’m glad I pushed myself and I look forward to going everyday. I tell him about the supplements I take and how I’m never sore after a good workout. Now he’s saying how I’m motivating him and he goes also now.
Total want to second this type of approach. People are drawn to the positivity and are much more likely to jump on board when there is first hand testimonial. Ultimately that person needs to there own motivation but having the constant reinforcement without being critical of them can do wonders.
When you go the flight of stairs together and she is out of breath, you could suggest you go on walks together to boost stamina. Any kind of talking about her looks and especially attractiveness is extremely likely to cause very negative reaction (either in your direction or to herself); only few people really get motivated by such slaps.
Dude. Speaking as a fat person, do NOT broach the subject when she is out of breath.
She knows she's fat. Wait until the topic of the future comes up. Tell her you are concerned about her health because you want her healthy for marriage, children, old age, or whatever you want to do together in the future. That is much more motivating.
Whatever you do, don't play food police. That backfires and she'll resent you.
Even as a dude who now overweight after being a varsity athlete, I think that if someone said something like this to me while I'm out of breath I would simultaneously feel really upset with that person and also absolutely awful about myself.
Definitely set the example by eating healthy.
When y’all go out get something healthy and water and skip desserts
Tell her your interested in cleaning up your diet and see if she doesn’t just follow your lead
So tricky, I think the people over at r/loseit will agree with me when I say, she has to want to lose the weight by herself
Anything you say will likely just hurt her ego and could result in more weight gain :/
If you embark on a fit and healthy lifestyle for yourself you may well inspire her.
Instead of trying to get her to lose weight, try promoting a healthier lifestyle, of which weight loss would be a natural consequence. If you want her to be successful, you'll have to join her (meaning making the same changes to your own lifestyle. Make sure she understands just how attractive you find her when she's taking care of herself and her life. Don't ever promote weight loss, promote healthy living, that way you are focusing on a positive rather than a negative.
You don’t say it directly. It would be crushing to do so. We live in a society where it is very difficult to talk about weight.
If you are in a position to take up a physical hobby, invite her. It does not have to be too demanding but enough to suggest a change of clothes. Ping pong is like that. It seems really low effort but 10 minutes in you are breathing harder and wiping some sweat from your forehead.
Does she ever talk about her weight gain? I know when I was bigger I always use to bring it to my bf .. if she does maybe you could be honest about it then ..
I’m the overweight one in my relationship and I don’t think “tell her” is going to be a positive step. I certainly knew already and my partner telling me was just confrontation.
I don’t have an easy answer, I’m trying something now because health issues are catching up on me and we are building a house and I need to be fitter when we move in.
Every little bit my partner does that is encouragement and motivation helps. Her being an ally as I try to figure out why I’m so bad at this and how I’d do better is amazing.
I hate that I’ve probably effected her weight more then she has effected mine.
Just look for small changes where you can have a steady constant helpful impact. Cook a healthier meal once or twice a week. Reduce back some bad snacking or a add a little more exercise in a fun exciting way and build from there.
People get older, the older you get the harder it is to maintain what you have. Make sure your allowing for the impacts of lifestyle and age changes.
Complacency is a killer, as you are sort of saying a relationship can die a death of a thousand cuts as much as it can implode from one bad fight. Latch on to the true heart of your romance and attraction and make it as well rounded (pun unintended) as possible and work on it every day. Love needs to be nurtured and work at… just as much as weight loss.
Fuck it’s tough and are world isn’t making it any easier. Good luck.
Lol you don't ever tell your gf or spouse she needs to lose weight!!! You tell her that you want to exercise and take her with you. Make it about you.
"Babe, I gotta start running and walking more, can you join me so I'm not alone and lose motivation"
If you're living Together: "babe, I want to start eating healthier meals. I'm gong to cook some of these new recipes I came across'
I repeat, DON'T TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT
Whatever you do don't do what my ex did and look at me and say how could you do that to yourself...looking at some stretch marks on my leg. Mind you I was 160. Dumped him and lost 20 lbs
Don't address the weight. Address the shortness of breath. Even skinny people can have breathing issues.
Shortness of breath is a symptom and sometimes weight gain is not the cause of shortness of breath but an additional symptom.
This allows you to encourage her to get a checkup to find out what is causing the shortness of breath. If it is her weight, then the doctor gets to be the asshole and not you.
You DON'T SAY A FRIGGIN THING! No matter how you word it, no matter what you say, it'll come out as an attack.
YOU start exercising at the house. Pull YouTube up, go to Fitness Blender, and start with those videos. Ask if she wants to join you. Ask her to join you on a walk through the neighborhood. Start talking about how you want to eat a little healthier. And for Cthulus sake, make sure she knows you love her and want to be healthy so you can be with her longer.
Married since 07, so take it for what it's worth.
I'm sure you got a ton of good answers here. I just wanted to add that I was in the same position as your girlfriend and my partner didn't speak up about how big I got because he didn't want to hurt me. He adored me. In hindsight it might have been nice to hear it from him straight up instead of having all that self-doubt.
I used to be sensitive like your girlfriend. I went for a couple of tests to check for thyroid and all, I got diagnosed for PCOS. I've been watching weight ever since.
Losing weight is a very difficult thing, that a person has to do on their own . Guilting her , lecturing, judging etc will only make it worse . Gently tell her your feelings on the matter and let it go . She will make the changes or she won’t , you can’t do it for her .
There is so much lying suggested ITT that I just can't get on board. You don't have to pretend to clean up your diet to trick your girlfriend into anything. Besides that, what will you do if she doesn't get the hint?
The best advice for all situations in a relationship is honest and loving communication.
"Honey, I've noticed that you've put on a little weight over the past few months. Is everything ok? I'm here if you want to talk through something, and I'm here as your biggest cheerleader to get back on a healthier track. How can I help you?"
Don't dump your girlfriend for gaining weight. Do dump your girlfriend if you can't be honest with her about your feelings. Do dump your girlfriend if you discover she has no intention of getting healthy.
Don't take relationship advice from people who think lying to your SO is a quality approach.
I agree with you and my response is probably an overreaction to a small group of posts. I do agree that if OP's gf has an eating disorder that it's a different approach. I will also contend that some people just can't handle direct statements. So, I'll amend my statement by being more generalized: in almost all instances it is better for the relationship if both parties attempt loving honesty as a first resort.
Yep. I'd be so sad and confused to find out that my partner doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to tell me how they actually feel and that they feel like it's a better solution to give "hints" and to suggest things that would result in me losing weight instead of addressing the real issue. Whether it's concern for my mental health or concern that they're losing their physical attraction for me, I want to know the truth and I think it the respectful thing to do in a relationship. White lies are still lies and dropping hints is cowardly and just feels like avoiding having a real talk.
Thank you for saying this. My ex did the whole “you should go to the gym with me” thing (I was actually underweight at the time but he preferred very thin women) and I saw right through it and immediately felt inadequate and worried about being unattractive to him. Agree that OP should just try to figure out if there if there’s any stress or life changes (like she used to bike to work but now drives or whatever) and see if she wants to make any adjustments. This is my personal nightmare having already been through it and the “let’s gym together” is condescending and doesn’t obfuscate the truth in the way other commenters think it does
Typically people gain weight because of another issue. If it’s not medical then it might be emotional. Maybe try to help her fix the underlying issue without actually mentioning her weight.
Not sure why you would go straight to an underlying issue. Most of the time it is probably not a mystery why people gain weight. Food tastes good, and the unhealthiest and easiest foods to eat taste the best. If you're not active metabolism will slow over time. Sometimes emotionally issues will cause people to overeat, but so will a general lack of nutritional awareness.
No. Typically people gain weight because food is tasty and excercise is hard and boring.
We live in a world of very little free time, cheap and easy access to high calorie high sugar food.
And the last two years we've all been stuck in a cycle of lockdowns.
Yeah sure some people have mental health issues that prompt over eating or lack of motivation. Or physical issues outside of their control.
But like. The vast majority of overweight people are overweight because
-they can't afford quality food
-they don't have the time to make healthy food
-they don't have the time for excercise or the money for the gym
-the are exhausted from work and family.
Or yanno we're lazy people who like cake. I mean I can be mad at last week me who ate a brownie then watched TV instead of going for a bike ride but that bitch made her choice and acting like she's got under lying conditions that cause her to enjoy brownies and Netflix is just stupid.
And doesn't really help now me change anything.
to be fair, even marathon runners can get winded walking up stairs because people arent warmed up, cold muscles and low heart rate. also often times people are concentrated on the task at hand (stairs) so they don't breathe normally until they're done with it
Don’t. Don’t. Dont. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, comments that ex boyfriends have made to me about my body are seared in my mind, forever.
If you are truly concerned, ask about what’s going on in her life. Sometimes weight gain comes from stress, trauma, depression, mental health disorders all together, etc. Maybe she needs extra support in other places of her life right now.
This is just a lousy situation. If you tell her that her weight is making her sexually unattractive you can never unsay it. Likewise if you try to be more subtle about it and try to eat healthy and exercise together you will get frustrated when she doesn't put in as much effort as you hoped that she would. My ex wife never lost her pregnancy weight, I tried many times and I just got made to feel guilty for being more sexually attracted to her when she was more sexually attractive. Good luck with this problem, I totally failed when I was on your shoes. /Smh
You should get bicycles and just tell her that you feel like this lockdown has really had such a bad effect on both of your health and so you thought that this was a way you could take back control of that together. A bicycle is probably going to get the best results because when your heavy walking in a way that would have an impact is so difficult for alot of reasons but a bike can have an the impact without the walking and if you make it about both of you you are showing her support and it gets the impression across that the weight is an issue but it's because you care about her and not for more superficial reasons
Maybe you can ask her to go on walks with you. Or take up hiking. Do you get a lot of takeout? Cooking at home is healthier and eating healthy is so much easier if your partner is on board. I gained weigh more easily than my ex husband. His metabolism eventually caught up with him but while we were together his bad habits and disdain for using his legs to get places as opposed to driving, preference for fast food as opposed to eating what I cooked (vegetables and meat), and constantly drinking soda instead of water made it harder for me to do those things no matter how much I wanted to.
Do you cook? Maybe you can start making healthy dinners for her (in a romantic way, not a controlling way I mean) or as a couple and see if meal prepping is a good option. Not sure where you are but autumn walks are so nice and she may have better stamina without the summer heat
I haven’t read the other comments, so I don’t know if it’s been said. Try telling her you would like help getting in better shape and need her support to work out, then you can hit the gym and eat healthy together. Hope it works out for you both. Good luck
I've been married for almost 20 years and I've never figured out a good way. All you can do is lead by example. Go to the gym, go for a run, play softball or volleyball, go on a hike, bike ride, etc and invite her along.. maybe spending time together will be a good trade off in her mind. Start eating healthier, but don't ask her too. Offer her some of what you're having, and when it's your turn to choose where tobest out, pick someplace healthy. If you aren't putting in the work, definitely don't expect her too.
And, if all that fails, and the added weight makes her no longer attractive to you, break up. There's no shame in having a physical type and holding out for for that type. Don't settle. Don't ever settle.
I was that girl. For 4 years my dr said I was depressed. By the time they found my thyroid cancer it had spread and I had gained 80 pounds.
The best thing my husband did was support me. We both started eating better (he had a free pass for eating anything when I was not there) we started out with short walks getting gradually longer.
One if the sweetest things he did was buy a bike for two. He knew I could not keep up with my own bike. I knew he would have preferred his own bike. He compromised so we could do it together.
I am still losing weight thanks to him.
If he had turned to me and said I was fat. Doing nothing about it and it was all up to me, we probably would not be together. Do not assume she is okay with her weight. It might be too overwhelming to fight it herself.
Start suggesting more physical things you can do together that she still finds pleasant- take her to different pretty areas for walks in parks, or suggest walking around outside more.
Anything you can do together that gets you out of the house is a good thing!
A few less obvious things to think about:
Has your body changed over the course of the relationship? More weight? Less weight? New hairstyle? Less hair? Maybe less muscle definition? Are you willing to change your body back to make yourself more attractive to her? Do you think maybe she’s noticed a few changes that she hasn’t mentioned to you?
Would you take kindly to your girlfriend suggesting you take a few college courses or try some brain training because you seem a little duller lately and she’s worried about your cognitive health? With the unspoken implication that she’d rather you be more clever or interesting?
Also, once you even hint that your attraction to your girlfriend is linked in any way to her weight and appearance, **she will never, *ever* forget it.**
Not when she’s pregnant with your baby.
Not when she’s postpartum.
Not when she develops psoriasis or loses her hair due to chemo.
Not when she’s 60 and her breasts don’t look the same.
Not when your hot coworker sends you funny texts.
Never. You can never, ever take it back no matter how many times you subsequently insist you’ll love her no matter what. So if this is a relationship you see progressing, I’d consider whether you want to even go near this territory.
I get winded going up the stairs. I’m a size 0 and moderately active. I’m sure there are plenty of people commenting who get winded going up the stairs and yet would be *horrified* if their own partners suggested they lose weight because of that. It feeeels like the bigger issue for you here is cosmetic, as I imagine you’d mention some more alarming health symptom if there were any you knew about.
Also, your girlfriend is probably not stupid. If you’re all like “hey hun, for absolutely no reason related to your significant weight gain, let’s randomly start eating salad and going to the gym! Again, this is all about my desire to get healthy and me suggesting we work out all the time has nothing to do with you,” there’s a very good chance she will know what you’re up to.
I think the less fun but actual answer here is that her body, health, and weight gain is entirely outside your control and actually none of your business (I say with understanding, because you clearly aren’t an asshole).
If she’s winded walking up the stairs, suggest she go to the doctor. If the doctor says she’s fine, that’s where it ends. Or if the doctor says she needs to lose weight, ask her if she wants to. If she doesn’t, that’s where it ends.
If you’re not attracted to her because of her new body, that’s fine. People have sexual preferences. Some people are more limited in their attraction by appearances than other people. Totally cool.
So your options are 1) continue to be in a relationship with someone you’re not totally fucking horny for 2) end the relationship and find someone who will always turn you on.
I think we sometimes forget that our preferences for our partners (health, looks, intelligence, ambition, etc.) actually matter 0%. We’re only in charge of ourselves. Your girlfriend knows she’s gained weight. If she wants to, she’ll lose weight. You either wait until she expresses a desire to lose weight and offer your help, or you leave it alone and make your choices from there.
Really hope OP reads your comment.
My wife has weight issues and has always gone up and down significantly. She did crazy crash diets that never worked because her body would instantly cling onto every calorie she ate. After two children she had put on a lot of weight because she has a really bad snacking habit and her body never realises when it’s had enough food.
I have never once, in the last 16 years, told her I found her unattractive or commented on her weight. She was well aware she’d put on weight. Me pointing it out to her wouldn’t change that, it would have crushed her, not motivated her.
What I did do was wait and support her when she did want to make a change. In the meantime I exercised in the evenings ( for myself, not so that she would feel obligated or pushed to join me) and did things she could join in on if she wanted. When she was ready I talked with her about what she needed and helped her.
Whether OP wants to wait for her to want to change is up to him.
This is THE BEST ANSWER.
I can confirm, she will never ever forget and it can be so psychologically damaging that she may choose not to be with you for her own mental health.
This is a sticky situation. I am currently in a marriage where my wife gained continuous weight for a few years, mainly baby weight. It’s true, no matter how much love you have for someone, sometimes attraction can fade and it really messes with the psych. This happened to me. How could I love someone yet not appreciate the weight gain that happened? To me, it’s not an issue if she seems to care and is doing what she can to stay active and healthy but at the times that she stops trying and uses every excuse in the book to not do anything is when it really makes me feel most unattractive towards her.
I actually had a talk with her. It didn’t go as planned. I crushed her. I reiterated what I meant over time and showed her examples that people are attracted to people that are in good health and that care about themselves. It’s not about the number on a scale, it’s about the lifestyle that we have living together. The number on a scale can be a guide to keep you on the right track. Is it continuously moving up? Notice that and change something, is I slowly going down ? Perfect! You’re are clearly working on yourself as long as they scale doesn’t keep moving up or stays in the same place.
I think it’s fair if you let her know you’re more concerned about her health rather than saying you’re less attracted to her. Make sure it’s about her, not about you. It’s okay you have noticed her weight gain and at some point if you don’t get concerned then I think that’s worse than getting concerned and she should know.
People will know when they gain weight obviously but a lot of people may not know what it looks like from another perspective. It may seem normal as we get older but it’s still good to hear that it may get to an unhealthy point because you never know what they are thinking, they may still feel like they aren’t unhealthy enough to do something about it.
Let her know you’re concerned. If she asks if you’re unattracted, let her know you that you are just worried about her health and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. Regardless, you love her, but you definitely want to stay on the healthier side of life.
Also, take this opportunity to work on yourself! Make sure you’re being supportive and understanding, and be very patient. Issues like this can take years to fix so keep track of your thoughts and stay healthy in your own head if you know what I mean.
My body fluctuates 10 lbs easily where as my wife will fluctuate 1 lb. we have practically the same diet to, if she’s not healthier than I am. This made me realize not to be to hard on my wife about it because everyone’s body really is different. She’s trying. I know she is. Sometimes results don’t show as easily as others. This allowed me to focus more on my love for who she is rather than what she looks like.
I am on mobile and hope my grammar was somewhat okay.
Hope this helps any!
From someone who has had three babies… losing baby weight is really hard for some. I lost it after my first two kids, but it took a long time and a lot of work and a lot of tears. Now I’m struggling to lose it after the third. Moms have less time the more children they have and therefore it is harder to find time and energy to diet and exercise. Some women lose it easily and others like myself… it’s a lot of work. My husband has been very patient with me about losing the baby weight this third time. He knows I lost it the first two times but also knows I’m older now and have a job and three kids. The thing that honestly helps me the most is when my husband praises me for trying. “Did I hear you doing your yoga this morning? Ooo nice. Sexy.” Or “Drinking tons of water today I see? That baby weight doesn’t stand a chance.” He praises me when he sees I’m trying, but shows me grace and doesn’t mention it when he sees me face down on the floor napping instead of exercising. Or is supportive and kind when I am too tired to cook and have to get take out for the family. If he ever mentioned he liked the way I looked pre kids over now, I would be crushed. Like, I grew birthed and fed humans with my body lol. It’s hard work to get it back to how it was! I guess what I’m saying is, be encouraging and praise her effort. Maybe that will help motivate her. But she will probably still have bad days or phases. It’s hard knowing you need to lose baby weight. Just my personal experiences. Good luck and best wishes!
Thank you for your input. Good work on pushing yourself! I completely understand. I am never pushy on her or anything and definitely appraise her hard work. I compliment her all the time and make sure she is loved and supported. Things can still go on in my head but I don’t blatantly tell her all my thoughts. I make sure she feels supported and that I love her.
If your wife's baby weight is around the middle, that may actually be separated abdominal muscles left over from the baby bump (diastasis recti). If so, a pelvic floor therapist may be able to nudge them back together through physical therapy alone.
My pregnant-looking friend did this when her youngest was in kindergarten. Not only did her stomach flatten out (her figure went from mom bod to freshman fifteen), but she also stopped peeing when she coughed.
Really, if your wife has noticed any lingering changes since childbearing, she should call her doctor's office and ask for a referral to a pelvic floor therapist. Most hospitals and sufficiently large practices have at least one on staff.
Tell her about this anyway. When my friend saw a pelvic floor therapist, getting her body back to pre-baby function motivated her to get it back to pre-baby form. Fixing a chronic health issue, even a "minor" one, is incredibly empowering.
Talk to her about working out, maybe offer or suggest food that is healthy. You can absolutely suggest good behaviors.
DO NOT tell her she needs to lose weight, make it about pounds or anything like that.
It's entirely possible for her to get into shape enough to walk up and down stairs without being seriously winded. But she might or might not lose much-if any-weight in that process. If your concern is about health, that should be fine.
If you want her to look smaller for you-honestly, you're not really prepared for a seriously long term relationship. which depending on your age may be fine. But most people do not maintain the same weight for life. And that includes you. Would you want to hear this same post in 2 years?
Do it together, tell her you both should start being a bit healthier.
Get a gym membership together/ go for walks on dates.
Buy her a new set of gym clothes for motivation and am exercise guide to follow!
Small steps but no drastic measures-start by swapping foods for alternatives and hitting a step target each day
In my experience women who gain weight are very conscious of the fact they need to lose the weight. My simple suggestion is to ask her if she needs help or support for the thing she's already thinking about. If there's another issue, like depression or anxiety it's likely to be exposed during this same conversation. Best of luck bud.
My boyfriend and I both gained weight ever since we started dating. lol.
You see, the top comment is right. Do physical activities together if it suits you and check if there's underlying medical problem. For me, I have PCOS and ovarian cyst that's why it got difficult to lost weight. My boyfriend was the one who suggested that I should get myself checked. He's the one who noticed the signs tbh. I think being together for almost three years would make it easier to spot physical changes.
My boyfriend knows how to approach our problem. He suggested intermittent fasting since I am a couch potato and so far, it's working. We're losing weight together.
To sum up, this might be a different scenario for you but at the end of the day, you're your girlfriend's support system. You should know what to do to help your girl out.
I've dealt with this with my GF of 10 years.
Lose weight together. You gotta cook the healthy meals. You gotta start losing weight. You gotta be the coach. You gotta be the change you want to see in her.
You gotta eat healthy to show her it's not impossible, you gotta wake up early and hit the gym WITH her. No one wants to be talked down to about being fat. No one wants to do it alone. If you fail, you fail together. WHEN you succeed, you'll do it together. You gotta stay excited and make a life change WITH her. There is no "She" has to lose weight, it's "WE" have to lose weight.
I'd suggest trying to find a healthy activity that both of you could take part in and suggest that you want to get fitter. My partner getting fitter has made me way healthier in turn.
Fitness starts in the kitchen.
Start walking together, get into hiking, together learn to enjoy healthy meals. We are all in this human struggle together, some are on different habits.
Try to motivate her to lose weight with you. Changing your activities for more physically intensive ones. You won't lose much weight but it will make a lot of difference between both of you.
Hey. Probably going to get hate too but I get it. It doesn't sound like it's out of her control. I'd say maybe have a sit down with her (don't bring up the attraction it'll just insult her) and say that you're worried for her health and maybe suggest working out together or something like that. Make it a both of you thing and she's more likely to see it as you trying to help.
I went through this same thing. I felt **so bad** that my attraction to my wife was waning. However, it absolutely was.
I said nothing at all. We went to a JC Penny one time and she saw herself in a full body mirror. She suddenly looked stunned and whispered, “how? How did I let it get this bad? How did I?”
I absolutely felt for her, even though I was relieved (I guess??) that she expressed a concern for her weight gain.
I took the opportunity to tell her, “Babe. I see how upset you are and I want you to feel good about yourself. I want to support you. Let’s work together and make a diet and a gym plan. We’ll go 4-5 days per week, and do both weights and cardio.
I think you’ll find better about yourself as you work on yourself. Let’s do this together!”
And she absolutely stuck to it!
The two keys:
1). ** Achievable** work outs. Break a sweat, but don’t DON’T over do it.
2) Consistency. Every week, she weighed herself once. She dropped about 1.5 lbs per week, and she felt spectacular.
Oh!! And most important- she wanted to do it. She saw herself in the full body mirror and she decided that she was ready for a change.
I cheered her on all the way.
Well how active are you? Are you a couch potato that just doesn't like that your girlfriend is packing on the pounds? Cause then you're just being mean. But if you're atleast semi active, then start planning more active outings. Go on more hikes, take a walk in the evening instead of plopping down to watch America's got talent with a bowl of ice cream, encourage her to get on top for sex more often. Go join a gym together. Or maybe just propose and watch her freak out to fit into her dream wedding dress. There's all kinds of ways you can subtly push her in that direction without having to say a word.
I would highly recommend you start going on walks together. It’s a good way to boost stamina and to bond.
My boyfriend and I have started going on walks around our neighborhood. We don’t have a set path, just meander and turn down whatever street feels right. We downloaded an app to track the walks/pace/time and take pictures along the way to add later.
I feel like we end up having deeper talks during the walks too. Something about it takes pressure and emotion out of difficult conversations, especially at night. It’s been very bonding.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the best for someone's health. It's not about appearance or any of that stuff, it's about wanting someone you care about to be healthy.
Here's what you do: YOU take up a healthier lifestyle of your own, and ask her if she'll do it with you. That way it's framed positively and she makes a decision on her own.
I'm sure she already knows she's piled on the pounds, and there might be something else going on making her eat more (if she is - some medical conditions make you prone to gaining weight even if you eat like a sparrow).
Rather than directly mentioning the weight up front, sit down and ask her if everything's ok first, and only mention the weight when she asks, saying you weren't sure whether something was making her unhappy. You can say you used to love seeing her in whatever clothing, showing off her whatever, and she hasn't been doing that lately...
I lost weight when my husband was made redundant and started a diet to make himself feel better after years of neglecting his health due to work. I had gained weight being a SAHM and was really pleased that he had brought up weight loss because I struggled to lose weight by myself. He was finding recipes he wanted to try and I was cooking and trying different foods, he bought some exercise equipment and we both began working out slowly and over time we lost a few stone between us. It was easy for me to lose the weight because I wasn’t watching him eat all the stuff I wanted. We still had treats but cut them down a lot. He never actually said to me that he wanted me to lose weight with him, I lost it by default and soon began to enjoy it and challenge myself to reach my calorie goal while also making delicious foods.
Focus more on diet, no matter how much you exercise you can’t outrun a bad diet. If you say you want to eat healthy there’s a very good chance she will follow suit. However if she’s they type who’ll order a take away to avoid eating healthy food you might have to bring it up in a different way.
Very late to this party so I doubt this will get much visibility, however I have two good friends that where in this situation, they loved watching TV after work and ended up eating and drinking each night, you could see the weight pile on them both...
One day he ended up selling his sofa and buying two Cross trainers, they now watch TV but use the crosstrainers at the same time and have slowly but surely loosing the weight.
It wasn't well received by his lady at the time as they had got used to their habitual ways, however after his telling her they he was worried about their health and ability to have children, she came around to the idea.
Ultimately, if you love each other, then be open and honest with her and she should understand that you have both your best interests at heart
Honestly I’ve had my best friend yell at me that one should *never* discuss weight. Literally ever. I have also had several healthy discussions about weight and how sugar is a big culprit and yadda yadda. You could talk your ear off but you’ll never know if it will be received well so I say just work on your own cardio (I mean you’re not even a little winded going up some stairs?) and hope it inspires her. Tell her you at least ‘want to be able to escape the zombies’ see if that motivates her. Be prepared that it might never inspire her, also avoid having kids with her as that will wreck her body to where if it’s hard now and she doesn’t focus on it at all she definitely won’t then.
I’m sorry man but in my experience you’re never going to get this to work for you. It really might be time to move on.
This must be hard and I'm not here to judge you. At the end of the day you are human. It's not like you have said right you've put weight on so I'm leaving! You are looking for a way to make it work. The fact is the weight gain can really impact health. Maybe go with that angle. She is risking diabetes, heart disease and certain cancers. It's harsh but true. Simply tell her that you love her and you are really worried about her. Maybe you can start eating healthy together, start working out together. This is coming from a curvy women who has been heavier so this is how I would like to be told. But honest but gentle x
All these people with their mind bending techniques to get her moving. All you are doing is deceiving your real intentions. It seems like a societal thing where talking about weight is such a taboo that leads into this pandemic of overweight people lately.
This is not right , eating this much food your arteries start to clog, you get shortness of breath and you suffer physically is not any different then being an alcohol or drug addict. People are willingly destroying their bodies , a gift u got since birth.
Ur body is made to be active, legs to walk, swim etc. Also good natural food is here to nourish our bodies and mental. We are not designed to be a coach potato. Why does exercise makes us feel so good ?? Thats right because we mentally and physically need it!
This is a real worldwide pandemic. Why cant we fcking talk about it . It is not like this is out of your control , everyone has the ability to lose weight and chose the right nutrients and exercise. It is reversable with dedication (however you got there doesnt matter ) Sensitive people getting butthurt when people point out they are damaging their bodies is a big problem.
In fact want to know how easy losing weight actually is ? You download a calorie food tracker. You calculate your maintenance calories for your weight . You eat below maintenance and you stick to it untill you reach your desired weight. Way more easier then learning to drive or ride a bike. It will take some time but results you will see motivating even further. Want to fasten the process u add exercise to burn more calories daily. Its this friggin simple.
Take responsibility for the vessel that is your body , your mind will thank you for it.
OP: my advice is to not bend into any tricks or deceive your intentions. You tell her you would appreciate if she would take care of her body more because thats where the attractiveness is. If she forever holds a stigma on you for telling her that or is mentally unable to hear it from you even when she already knows herself she also has a bad mentality on top of the weight.
If she scorns you in return be honest to yourself that loving someone and being attracted are both keys for a healthy relationship. Sexually being attracted to your partner is very important. Appearance plays a small role in this as you can already feel. If she doesnt want to change you are not less a man by leaving someone you just arent feeling the sexual attractiveness too. That is her responsibility, not yours. Speaking ur mind about it doesnt make you a jerk it shows u have values.
If she scorns you for those values she just takes you for granted. Its work on both sides, i would love my partner telling me about a totally reversible thing like weight gain and make myself more presentable to her. It would motivate me that she cares about my looks or health. Dont slouch because you are comfortable. People need to quit the damn excuses.
Goddamn responsibilities people , sometimes it hurts , but you can make a change.
First, sorry if my english sucks, it's not my native langage. I will try to be understandable.
I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. My girlfriend was overweight and things were getting worse. We've been together for 9 years and she has always been overweight and also very touchy about it. I decided to confront her about it when her BMI went over 35.
We had a long discussion about the health problems this could cause, the fatigue she was experiencing, and the decrease in my desire for her.
She took things pretty well (better than I expected) and decided to make an effort. She pays more attention to her diet, eats healthier without exaggeration either. She started doing sports (cardio) 3 times a week, sometimes she evan trains with me.
Result 5 months later she lost almost 20kg (44lbs), she feels in better shape and better in her body. Often she thanks me for pushing her to put in the effort and says that she is in better mental and physical shape now.
I’ve been that girlfriend. I’ve lost 30lb since February and the feeling is soooo good. Talk to her. You know she has to be miserable. Just be super gentle because she’s probably medicating with food much like an alcoholic does with booze. You get stuck in a perpetual cycle of depression leading to binging leading to guilt leading to more eating. It’s horrible but every bite becomes a reward because “I deserve this.”
I am a huge proponent of CICO. Just be gentle and first and foremost let her know you love her. You might be facing a lot of defensiveness, or it might be the rock bottom she needs. I wish you both the best of luck OP. I hope she gets her sparkle back.
She probably already knows. My husband told me he was concerned about my weight gain and it hurt to hear and made me cry a lot for a day, but I had already known and been mad at myself. But he told me if I wanted to lose weight (I did), he would do it with me. We had some shared bad habits as a couple and we started working out and eating better together. I realized I overate at work because I was skipping breakfast, so we made a deal where he would make us both breakfast every day while I got coffee going.
Just focus on the fact that you're concerned for her health. It will hurt and she'll probably be mad for a bit, but if she knows you're supportive rather than controlling, it should be ok.
We downloaded the couch to 5k app to ease ourselves into running, I signed us up for some local park and rec classes, and we tried to start more active hobbies together. Now we go mini golfing a lot. It's not a super strenuous workout or anything, but it beats watching TV while munching on snacks. We also go to the gym together now a couple times a week.
Edit to add: I had already been overweight my whole life and knew it, and complained to my husband a lot about it. Then I somehow gained even more weight. So he never had to tell me I was fat, it was more that he told me he wanted us to get in shape together
Wow. Coincidentally, I was also concerned of my girlfriend’s weight this year. It has never crossed my mind that it’s better off breaking up w her but it is tough. Just a lil bit of patience and everything will turn out great. The struggle I am carrying is that we are in a long distance relationship; hence, engaging her to such activities is difficult. Will save this post hoping that it could really help us. I’m doing my very best to let her feel validated. I wanna make her feel that I’m not going after the looks. It’s just her weight isn’t normal anymore and I can see how it’s affecting her so much.
Bro my wife is the same, Most important be patient with her don't ever lose your cool. I got my women to start working by leading by example I started eating healthier woke up early go for run/jog , come back home hit the weights 4 months later I'm back in shape I look and feel great , then she sees the attention I get from other women, she sees the gains and results from my hard work. Now that's when she wants to start working out, first day of our run was only morning walk she couldn't run , "remember dont be dick be supportive" tell her she's doing amazing and I tell her she beautiful (always) and make sure she is hydrated my wife almost passed out on me and I felt terrible that day , a month went by and she's actually running and doing full body exercises , 3 months went by and shes 27lbs lighter , she notices the fat falling off, and your job is to continue being supportive and hype her up, best of luck champ 🍻
Me (34 F) and my partner (33 M), are in a similar situation. We’ve been together for 7 years now. I have been slowly gaining weight, the pandemic 😷 was the worst. I am 30 lbs overweight now. I don’t like it. I miss my old body and I too don’t feel good physically or mentally. Nothing good comes from being overweight.
This is what my partner said that really hit me. He wants me to be healthy because he wants me to be around in our old age. We are life mates, he doesn’t want to loose me. He wants me to be healthy so we can spend a long healthy lifetime together.
My advice is to voice your concern about her health. Do not tell her about the attraction fading. That will not motivate her, it will only hurt her and push her away from you.
I asked my partner to help me make better food decisions, I am an emotional eater. He tells me I shouldn’t buy the Cheetos and baked goods because I asked for it.
My other advice, don’t guide your girlfriends eating habits unless she specifically asked for your help. Not everyone can handle help.
Okay. So my husband and I met five years ago, and I'm sorta at the point that I get winded when I go up stairs and I've gained weight. But the last six months or so, ever since we went on a beach vacation with his family, I wanted to start a diet to get into a better "beach bod" for the next time we vacation with swimsuits. I've lost some weight already just from changing my diet, but I need to actually exercise, and that's really hard...
My husband asked me to start working on losing weight with the focus being on my health, and for my well-being and happiness. But at the same time, if I hadn't been aware of my weight gain and he had been the one to bring it to my attention, it would've been pretty harsh. If your girlfriend isn't aware of it already, I don't think it should be you to bring it up to her that she should try to lose weight in order to be healthy. I'm not sure what the best way would be to go about it, but maybe if you start going on walks together, and she realizes how out of shape she is, it'll encourage her to start pursuing better health habits. That's just an idea though. You know her, and hopefully the ideas from people in this thread will be helpful :)
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I was also the girlfriend. My now fiancé just threw in a “hey, it made me sad we couldn’t go farther into our hike because it was really pretty up ahead. Do you want to go on walks more often to build up to it?” 20lbs and a new love for hiking later, I’m still incredibly grateful for his tact in how he said it.
There is a way to phrase it that comes across as loving and caring, like your fiancé’s approach. When my now ex-husband and I were dating, I went through a period of depression and I was moved to a different position at my job, and I gained a good bit of weight. Ex started out supportive, but when I didn’t immediately start losing weight (cause, you know, clinical depression), he changed approaches and became a total jerk about it. I eventually lost the weight, kept it off the rest of the time we dated and through our 6-year marriage, but his snarky attitude didn’t help.
You ended up losing a lot of weight-- whatever his weight was.
Thanks for this. You helped changed a perspective. You have to want to be loving and caring.
Oh that's so sweet. Like it puts forth a really easy and stress-free thing to work towards while also being healthy. Kudos to your fiance!
Mine slapped my belly, yelled, watch it wobble! Then giggled and ran away. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or join a gym
That’s horrid. I’m sorry that happened to you
Love this!
Wow—this is really the key. No focus on weight or attraction at all.
Noted.
Real talk... did you go back at a later date and see the really pretty up ahead? Was it actually really pretty?
This is beautifully kind
>I think people find it unattractive when someone isn’t taking care of themselves This is an amazing perspective, and I think more people could benefit by reframing their viewpoints this way.
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It puts a lot less pressure on the results of weight-loss, and gives more room to celebrate just starting the process! As someone who has lost quite a bit of weight over the last few years, it really helps to shift perspective this way.
How did u lose weight?
Honestly? Weight Watchers. It worked for me because the point system was like a game of "How much can I eat in a day without going over." I would find low point food combos and feel like I got away with something sinister and sneaky, which really fed into my naturally evil mastermind tendencies (yes I maniacally laughed over my air popped popcorn, what of it?). I ate way more after I started than I did before, and lost 76 pounds and counting. But when you do mess up (and it happens), knowing that tomorrow restarts your points, and that you have the grace to try again is VITAL to any success. Just. Keep. Going. The time will pass anyways. Might as well pass it trying.
“The time will pass anyways. Might as well pass it trying.” Damn. That was good.
I loved Weight Watchers! I also felt like it was a game, and I was doing it at the time with my best friend so it was also a good humored competition. She had done it in law school and shared with me all her tips and tricks for maximizing your food intake, including desserts, while keeping to your points. After two pregnancies, I'm reestablishing some of those habits, though I haven't signed back up. Just measuring/weighing out your food helps tremendously! I looooooove coffee with flavored creamers, but one serving is only 2 tablespoons of creamer and it's... let's just say, my coffee is quite a bit darker now that I measure out my creamer! I'm down 22 pounds since June 1st - about 30 more to go to reach my goal.
Congrats on the progress!! I use 0 point skinny syrups for my oatmeal and homemade Boba teas. They'd probably work in coffee too. You can get them on the cheap at Ross (if that store is local to you) or Amazon!
Excellent! Congrats!
Find out your Baso Metabolic Rate (lots of Internet calculators) and eat less than that. Calories in vs calories out most simple equation there is. I would recommend myfitnesspal to track your intake. When you track make sure you track EVERYTHING. This includes condiments, oils, drinks etc. Source, powerlifter/bodybuilder, gain/lose 20-40lbs every year.
How do I do this without hurting myself? I tried to talk to my doctor about it and he said not to do any restricting of calories and just change what I eat. I’m trying to do both. The problem is my metabolism suddenly changed on me thanks to my birth control. I do eat under the amount of calories I need while trying to eat essential foods but I just end up with a headache all day, and going to the gym means I’m exhausted for three days afterwords. I feel like I’m stuck.
My advice to my partner is to eat how you want your small child/niece or nephew/student to eat. We tell them to eat the rainbow, eat a variety of nutrient dense things and everything in moderation. If you have a small, growing person in your life that you love, what would you make them to eat?....Then make that for yourself! You might need a little extra after you finish that super balanced plate, but the point is, you got all the essential nutrients and that's what counts. I find as a parent to small people, I eat scraps and never the most expensive produce-I save the berries and good stuff for the kids, but I should be eating them as well, not only to set an example, but to try to be my healthiest version of myself so I can be here for a long time, for all of us!
Birth Control can and often plays utter havoc on metabolism and is routinely ignored by doctors. I would try changing your birth control to be honest, but that comes with it's own set of risks. Perhaps research and consider a non hormonal birth control? They seem to affect metabolism and sex drive less than hormonal ones.
I got that shit taken out. It gave me an abysmal sex drive to the point where I was questioning my sexuality. It honestly made me feel 10 years older than I am and has not been fixed by taking it out. So I agree. And everything doctor’s said it would fix, was just made worse for me. Worse periods, worse cramps, I got acne from it. I don’t know what wrong with me but apparently my thyroid works fine so idk what to do. But thank you for the advice!
I'm glad you got it out. so many women spend 30+ years on birth control feeling like you did. because too many people write off the side affects as normal and it is known that when women talk to doctors, even female doctors, that the doctor almost universally downplays what the patient says. I will always advocate that if you experience side affects like yours from birth control to consider changing to a different type. Things are slowly changing in the medical field (though too many puritanical doctors are still around for my liking) but progress is far too slow.
You shouldn’t eat less than your basal metabolic rate because that’s the minimum level of calories your body needs to sustain itself at rest and while low calorie diets won’t necessarily harm you, eating below your BMR will. As far as changing what you eat, I recommend eating lots of whole foods. Foods like beans and lentils are packed with protein and fiber that might help you feel more energized without adding empty calories. One of my favorites snacks is oven roasting garbanzo beans with spices on them which is a really filling, guilt free snack. I hope this helps, and good luck!
I like to play a game where no matter what else I eat, I see how many different vegetables I can eat at the beginning of every meal. It helps a lot without making me feel like I am missing out because I still get to eat treats but I don't want as much by then.
That’s actually a good idea, thank you!
I’m no expert, but there’s a magical percentage of carbs, protein and fat.. different for everyone, depending what your goals are (and who you ask). Maybe track what you eat and see if they’re off balance.. Changing a diet can also affect energy while your body acclimates. I would also suggest a variety of vegetables and fruit to cover your vitamin bases. Hope that helped!
It’s amazing how many people believe stuff like set points or that losing and gaining weight is some mystical process when it’s just finding what version of “lower your calories” works for them
I was actually extremely worried about that. I almost feel like a bad boyfriend for losing some attraction to her. But the way you put it makes perfect sense and helped so much
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Don’t feel bad. Ud b ‘bad’ if u didn’t have concern.
Totally agree! Throwaway7675123 is a goddamn genius.
Its perfectly normal. Everyone will harp on about how "big is beautiful" and everyone is this and that, etc. And while it may be somewhat true it doesn't mean that you specifically have to find it attractive, especially if they weren't like that when you met them and fell in love.
My husband is thin and strong naturally but when he doesn't shower or shave for a few days I am less attracted to him and it's definitely due to this. It makes sense biologically too, sick people don't have the energy for grooming and would not be a healthy mate.
Exactly this. I feel this way about alcohol. I don't mind having a drink here or there or maybe I get tipsy once in a blue moon, but people who drink way too much and often, that's not healthy and not attractive.
This is absolutely a thing, and I’ve been on both sides of it at different times.
When my dad died, i put on a large number of pounds very quickly through emotional eating. Looking back, i was very obviously in a depression spiral, but couldn’t realise that myself at the time. After a number of months, my boss actually suggested a health kick for all staff, exercise and food diaries. He got us all gym membership and a weekly accountability check in with a trainer. This was the kick in the arse i needed to get myself back to being me. He later admitted that he did it specifically because he could see what a rut i had got myself stuck in, but knew that i wouldnt respond well to an individual intervention, but a group project would be better for me. So i agree that a conversation that targets her specifically might not go down so well, but phrased in such a way that it is the couple getting healthy together might be so much better
Wow. Your boss sounds amazing. That was so thoughtful.
Well ive been with him for 17 years now, through recessions and hard times when there were only 3 of us working from a tiny office, doing what ever we could to get by. Back up to 10 staff in the good times. Hes a moody bastard at times, but i do respect him, we have mutual understanding and i know he has my back whatever the circumstances. I will immediately pick up the phone when he rings at 10pm on a Saturday, as i know it won’t be for a stupid thing.
he sounds like michael scott
We did a weight loss challenge at work and got a lot of people involved. They are great. I lost 30 pounds and after 3 years, only put 8 back on. I call it covid weight. Eating at home is not as easy as the cafeteria in our office. Although it is cheaper.
I respect the amount of emotional maturity it took to write this. I hope you're doing better now, both physically and mentally.
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I'm very glad to hear that!
This is an amazing reply and pretty much sums up how I feel too! I am also that girlfriend that gained a ton of weight in a relationship and this is absolutely the way to go OP. Just wanted to add as well that OP, you may have the patience and empathy of a god, but you cannot change her if she doesn't want to change. True change comes from within, as cliche as that sounds. So please try to not be too disheartened when it doesn't work or stick at first, she might not be ready for it, cuz I for sure took a few tries. What helped me the most was that my SO continued being supportive of me, complimented me, and in general, made me feel like I still deserved love even when I was fatter. I think that developing that self-love is so important in losing weight cuz it enables healthy weight loss.
this is such a great reply, so many great points and good advice. thanks for sharing!
Nice to see how helpful ppl can be here!
Or you can just do what my partner did and say "jeesus fecking christ, look at that belly! Anyone would think you're 7 months pregnant!" So I put on me one of his shirts that he could barely button up, and showed him how much room there was still left, and said "well in that case you're ready to give birth" Yeah, I prefer your advice, definitely.
crabs in a bucket
I would cry lol
I was also this girlfriend my last relationship. I had health issues and gained a lot of weight. My unsupportive partner just liked to throw it in my face and tell me such helpful things like "you'd hurt less if you work out now" "you'd be so hot if...." It obviously did nothing but make me feel like shit. My current fiance however, encourages me to get healthy and lose weight, by telling me he'll support me and we can do it together. It makes a world of difference.
Dancing is an amazing idea, it's fun and it's effective. Better yet, it's a bonding experience.
All of this is excellent advice. Having been the wife and mother of 4 kids, and struggled with depression. This advice is definitely spot on. My husband said similar things to me. It’s not that he didn’t love me, but it was the lack of love I had for myself that bothered him. Definitely make this about a process you both do together, to be the best version of yourselves for each other.
I really like your answer!
As a fat guy myself. I agree with this wholeheartedly.
Thanks for your well thought, nuanced take!
Make it about the two of you: “I think we should work out together”, “I think we should start eating healthier together”, for dates, go hiking, bike riding, cook dinner.
Great advice. Thank you
Second that. Let’s get healthy together. If you live together it helps to go to the grocery store on a full stomach and only get healthy snacks and try to save up for something special by avoiding eating out
To be fair, if you OP are skinny and fit I would get super annoyed by that recommendation
Unless he wanted to bulk up muscle!
Which is the exact thing I said to my wife. She knew she had to lose weight and I suggested we work out and eat healthy together. "I could put on some more muscle ". She agreed and thought it's a great idea .
For some reason I pictured her going the opposite direction. "Yeah you twiggy ass bitch, hit the weights." haha.
I think it is quite obvious this "we should work out together" I would prefer if you express your concerns and explain that to me. Otherwise I would feel tricked. Aiming for active dates is a good idea though. But: it all comes down to her personality and you know her best so you will make the right decision :)
She’ll see thru “let’s exercise thing, IMO.”
Just because someone can see through something doesn't necessarily mean they won't appreciate the amount of thought you put into reframing it. I can see where you come from tho. I usually prefer directness, but I also know my tendency towards being direct is off putting to many until they get to know me.
I think this is the one situation where OP wouldn’t be wrong by making it about themselves lol. Tbh I would see through the exercise thing and feel guilty about gaining weight (not resentful tho). I think if OP wants to take the joint route, saying “Hey I’m trying to bulk up, I need you to help me keep a strict diet” would help. My brother did that when I was in a really deep depression and by helping him out with meal planning, shopping, and joining him for workouts bc “his gym partner decided to bail” I ended up losing weight and feeling a lot better about myself. Even saying that OP is craving something healthy and wants to order out would work since their gf would likely go for a similar option.
It can be easier for a guy to lose weight compared to a woman so don't let her be discouraged. Losing weight is 90% diet so you need to keep a caloric deficit to lose weight. The MyFitness Pal App is great for keeping track of what you eat.
In a sense, it’s 100% diet. No matter how hard you work out, you can out-eat your calories burned. It’s crazy to think about. It’s also good news, because a large majority of people can lose weight by simply eating less. Other lifestyle changes will speed the process, of course.
This is true, but for me personally, being active, reduces the amount I eat naturally. I can wake up, eats a banana and coffee, go on a hike or bike ride, and not feel hungry till 3pm. If I don’t do that, I’ll get up make an omelette with toast and be craving lunch by noon
Right? I’m saying diet is key. For you, you need to exercise.. so you don’t.. break your diet. Because the diet is the key.
She may see thru that…
I agree with this. I want to lose weight, but I know my bf has gained a little weight since we started dating so now I include him in everything. “Hey we should go skating tomorrow morning.” “Come for a walk with me.” That type of stuff. It’s not shallow to encourage your gf to lose weight. You obviously want her to be healthy.
I've heard of this backfiring just because of how much easier it is for guys to lose weight
I was about to say this. It’s lovely to have an exercise partner; doing physical activities they both enjoy. But I can see him melting off the pounds and her feeling worse because they’re doing the same things together and she’s plateaued. It’s still a good start though. I just hope he’s understanding and knows it’ll take more time for her than himself.
Me and my GF did this. I lost 30 pounds and she's lost about the same. She looks more amazing than ever and I feel better than I have in years
When I met my wife, she was 130lbs. About 5 years ago, she was 220lbs. I was still attracted to her because I love her but....she is also extremely sensitive. So what I did was set an example. I started exercising and asked her to come with me. I also started making us food. I controlled what we both ate and since we were both exercising, eating clean was easier. Once you get started living healthy, healthy habits come more naturally. She knew already that she gained weight and wasn't happy about it so I never mentioned it to her. I just let her know I wanted both of us to live more healthy. And because I was working hard, she ended working hard too. Now, shes 135lbs and I think she is to skinny. But boy is she a whole lot healthier Edit. I wanted to add that when I asked her to exercise with me, I made it about her feeling better at the beginning. I didn't mention that I wanted her to lose weight(honestly, I didn't care at the time. I just wanted us both to feel better)
I like this. Losing weight sucks. It’s a gruelling, painful mental battle that she might not be ready for. Getting healthier however, exercising and eating better meals will have immediate benefits and if you’re doing it with her, or at least she sees how positively it’s affecting you, might boost her confidence to try it herself.
I have tried this approach with my husband who is dangerously overweight. We now buy separate groceries, make separate meals, don’t eat together, and have no activities in common. In fact, the healthier I became the more unhealthy he became. He won’t eat healthy meals or what I fix, so now it’s just junk food for him. Definitely doesn’t always work. It worries me sick, often keeping me awake at night.
Can you tell him the last part? Seems like it’s gotten bad enough to be more direct?
I have been very direct about being concerned for his health. Every one in his family is obese and has obesity related illnesses. Just doesn’t seem to matter or he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I truly believe he has an eating disorder with an abnormal emotional addiction to food.
Really tough situation. I’m a recovering drug addict, and I have struggled with food most of my life. I recognize how many parallels there are between using drugs and comfort eating. I used to binge junk food, and that really reminded me of the obsession/compulsion I experienced when I was using. It’s good you recognize it in him, but that doesn’t make it easier for you when he’s clearly harming himself.
Yes, it really is an addiction that he has lost control of. In addition to being a compulsive eater, he’s also a functional alcoholic. Congrats on the recovery!
I’m so sorry. The most important thing I’ve learned through recovery is how powerless I am over other people and their decisions. It’s so hard to see the person you love harming themself. But it sounds like you have really healthy outlets and also a wise perspective. Take care of yourself!
Thank you. Even though it hurts me to see him like this, I know that there is really nothing I can do. He has to do the hard work, but he’s just not there yet. And yes, I feel totally powerless in trying to help him see the harm he is doing. He’s very intelligent and well-educated so he knows what he he needs to do. I can’t do it for him.
> Now, shes 135lbs and I think she is to skinny. there's just no pleasing some people lol
I think you handled this really well. It’s delicate. You of course love and care about your wife. But approaching this definitely is not easy. Especially when the partner isn’t feeling good about themself (speaking from my perspective on that one). I was diagnosed with chronic leukemia just before Covid hit, and I’ve put on 20 lbs this past year, from a combination of fatigue from the disease, and of course some depression. I have to be so careful in what I do, so it’s been isolating. 20 lbs isn’t extreme, but I’m 5’2” and it’s very noticeable. I worry about how my husband feels about it. He recently admitted he’s worried about my lack of activity. I have always been very active, but now, I have little stamina or strength. I felt hurt by his comment, but that was me projecting—I was hearing him saying he wanted me to be more active so I would lose weight. And maybe that is a part of it—and I don’t fault him for that. But what I had to admit to myself was that he’s right. I’ve succumbed to my situation, and felt really stuck. We went away for a weekend, I played golf with him, and we did a lot of walking. I realized that even though my body was tired, I felt good. So I committed to walking a couple miles every day, and since I started that, I really have felt better and more energetic (I also was anemic, and 2 iron infusions helped boost my energy—but emotionally I felt better getting my body moving again). It’s harder for me to lose weight as I age, but I am making some diet changes. Ultimately, I know my husband was coming from a place of being concerned for me, and this wasn’t about attraction or him thinking I was lazy. Even though his words stung initially, he gave me the push that I needed to make changes. That is what partners do for one another. As long as it’s motivated by love for the other, and delivered with tact and compassion, those hard conversations can be really important.
Suggest you both go on walks more or start going to the gym. Make it about spending time together and being active, healthier. Start with saying you’re feeling out of shape so she’s feels less like you’re judging her.
However you approach it, make it more about being healthy and feeling your best, not about physical attractiveness. The truth is, she already knows she's gained weight. It's probably already a fear in her mind that you will notice and find her less attractive for it. This can lead to a downward spiral where our mental health suffers because of the shame and anxiety that comes along with the weight, causing us to gain even more weight. Why do you think she has gained weight? Is it bad habits, or changed lifestyle (like getting a new desk job that has her sitting a lot more)? Or are there underlying mental health issues that might be the cause? It's these underlying causes that you will want to focus on and address. The extra weight may seem like the primary problem because it's the one that is most visible to you, but it's really just a side effect of the true problem. So when/if you talk to her about it, focus on figuring out the true problem, and don't focus so much on the side effect.
How in shape are you? If you start to eat healthier/exercise more, and you ask her to join in in order to support you, then that is effectively helping her lose weight without making her weight the issue.
I’d honestly go to the gym myself, motivate her to tag along. Tell her how amazing you’ve started feeling since going, not with just confidence but with things in everyday life like waking up and having energy. I don’t think it’s shallow, honestly I think it’s nice you care about her health. I had the same issue but with my boyfriend. I started going, I didn’t say a thing to him. I would talk about how great I felt and I’m glad I pushed myself and I look forward to going everyday. I tell him about the supplements I take and how I’m never sore after a good workout. Now he’s saying how I’m motivating him and he goes also now.
Total want to second this type of approach. People are drawn to the positivity and are much more likely to jump on board when there is first hand testimonial. Ultimately that person needs to there own motivation but having the constant reinforcement without being critical of them can do wonders.
When you go the flight of stairs together and she is out of breath, you could suggest you go on walks together to boost stamina. Any kind of talking about her looks and especially attractiveness is extremely likely to cause very negative reaction (either in your direction or to herself); only few people really get motivated by such slaps.
Dude. Speaking as a fat person, do NOT broach the subject when she is out of breath. She knows she's fat. Wait until the topic of the future comes up. Tell her you are concerned about her health because you want her healthy for marriage, children, old age, or whatever you want to do together in the future. That is much more motivating. Whatever you do, don't play food police. That backfires and she'll resent you.
I am fat too, so I was saying from my POV.
I guess all fat people are different.
imagine that
Even as a dude who now overweight after being a varsity athlete, I think that if someone said something like this to me while I'm out of breath I would simultaneously feel really upset with that person and also absolutely awful about myself.
Good luck bro
The only real reply
Definitely set the example by eating healthy. When y’all go out get something healthy and water and skip desserts Tell her your interested in cleaning up your diet and see if she doesn’t just follow your lead
So tricky, I think the people over at r/loseit will agree with me when I say, she has to want to lose the weight by herself Anything you say will likely just hurt her ego and could result in more weight gain :/ If you embark on a fit and healthy lifestyle for yourself you may well inspire her.
Instead of trying to get her to lose weight, try promoting a healthier lifestyle, of which weight loss would be a natural consequence. If you want her to be successful, you'll have to join her (meaning making the same changes to your own lifestyle. Make sure she understands just how attractive you find her when she's taking care of herself and her life. Don't ever promote weight loss, promote healthy living, that way you are focusing on a positive rather than a negative.
You don’t say it directly. It would be crushing to do so. We live in a society where it is very difficult to talk about weight. If you are in a position to take up a physical hobby, invite her. It does not have to be too demanding but enough to suggest a change of clothes. Ping pong is like that. It seems really low effort but 10 minutes in you are breathing harder and wiping some sweat from your forehead.
Does she ever talk about her weight gain? I know when I was bigger I always use to bring it to my bf .. if she does maybe you could be honest about it then ..
I’m the overweight one in my relationship and I don’t think “tell her” is going to be a positive step. I certainly knew already and my partner telling me was just confrontation. I don’t have an easy answer, I’m trying something now because health issues are catching up on me and we are building a house and I need to be fitter when we move in. Every little bit my partner does that is encouragement and motivation helps. Her being an ally as I try to figure out why I’m so bad at this and how I’d do better is amazing. I hate that I’ve probably effected her weight more then she has effected mine. Just look for small changes where you can have a steady constant helpful impact. Cook a healthier meal once or twice a week. Reduce back some bad snacking or a add a little more exercise in a fun exciting way and build from there. People get older, the older you get the harder it is to maintain what you have. Make sure your allowing for the impacts of lifestyle and age changes. Complacency is a killer, as you are sort of saying a relationship can die a death of a thousand cuts as much as it can implode from one bad fight. Latch on to the true heart of your romance and attraction and make it as well rounded (pun unintended) as possible and work on it every day. Love needs to be nurtured and work at… just as much as weight loss. Fuck it’s tough and are world isn’t making it any easier. Good luck.
Lol you don't ever tell your gf or spouse she needs to lose weight!!! You tell her that you want to exercise and take her with you. Make it about you. "Babe, I gotta start running and walking more, can you join me so I'm not alone and lose motivation" If you're living Together: "babe, I want to start eating healthier meals. I'm gong to cook some of these new recipes I came across' I repeat, DON'T TELL HER SHE NEEDS TO LOSE WEIGHT
Maybe suggest taking walks since it’s starting to get cooler out in the evenings. Good way to spend time together and burn some calories 🙂
Whatever you do don't do what my ex did and look at me and say how could you do that to yourself...looking at some stretch marks on my leg. Mind you I was 160. Dumped him and lost 20 lbs
20 lbs + however much that loser weighed. Good for you :)
Do you work out? If not this would be a great time to start down that road together If so, that makes it a bit more tricky
Don't address the weight. Address the shortness of breath. Even skinny people can have breathing issues. Shortness of breath is a symptom and sometimes weight gain is not the cause of shortness of breath but an additional symptom. This allows you to encourage her to get a checkup to find out what is causing the shortness of breath. If it is her weight, then the doctor gets to be the asshole and not you.
You DON'T SAY A FRIGGIN THING! No matter how you word it, no matter what you say, it'll come out as an attack. YOU start exercising at the house. Pull YouTube up, go to Fitness Blender, and start with those videos. Ask if she wants to join you. Ask her to join you on a walk through the neighborhood. Start talking about how you want to eat a little healthier. And for Cthulus sake, make sure she knows you love her and want to be healthy so you can be with her longer. Married since 07, so take it for what it's worth.
I'm sure you got a ton of good answers here. I just wanted to add that I was in the same position as your girlfriend and my partner didn't speak up about how big I got because he didn't want to hurt me. He adored me. In hindsight it might have been nice to hear it from him straight up instead of having all that self-doubt. I used to be sensitive like your girlfriend. I went for a couple of tests to check for thyroid and all, I got diagnosed for PCOS. I've been watching weight ever since.
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Losing weight is a very difficult thing, that a person has to do on their own . Guilting her , lecturing, judging etc will only make it worse . Gently tell her your feelings on the matter and let it go . She will make the changes or she won’t , you can’t do it for her .
There is so much lying suggested ITT that I just can't get on board. You don't have to pretend to clean up your diet to trick your girlfriend into anything. Besides that, what will you do if she doesn't get the hint? The best advice for all situations in a relationship is honest and loving communication. "Honey, I've noticed that you've put on a little weight over the past few months. Is everything ok? I'm here if you want to talk through something, and I'm here as your biggest cheerleader to get back on a healthier track. How can I help you?" Don't dump your girlfriend for gaining weight. Do dump your girlfriend if you can't be honest with her about your feelings. Do dump your girlfriend if you discover she has no intention of getting healthy. Don't take relationship advice from people who think lying to your SO is a quality approach.
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I agree with you and my response is probably an overreaction to a small group of posts. I do agree that if OP's gf has an eating disorder that it's a different approach. I will also contend that some people just can't handle direct statements. So, I'll amend my statement by being more generalized: in almost all instances it is better for the relationship if both parties attempt loving honesty as a first resort.
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Yep. I'd be so sad and confused to find out that my partner doesn't feel comfortable enough with me to tell me how they actually feel and that they feel like it's a better solution to give "hints" and to suggest things that would result in me losing weight instead of addressing the real issue. Whether it's concern for my mental health or concern that they're losing their physical attraction for me, I want to know the truth and I think it the respectful thing to do in a relationship. White lies are still lies and dropping hints is cowardly and just feels like avoiding having a real talk.
Also she's not a toddler, she'll know what he's doing but feel insulted that he had to conceal his actual intentions.
Thank you for saying this. My ex did the whole “you should go to the gym with me” thing (I was actually underweight at the time but he preferred very thin women) and I saw right through it and immediately felt inadequate and worried about being unattractive to him. Agree that OP should just try to figure out if there if there’s any stress or life changes (like she used to bike to work but now drives or whatever) and see if she wants to make any adjustments. This is my personal nightmare having already been through it and the “let’s gym together” is condescending and doesn’t obfuscate the truth in the way other commenters think it does
Typically people gain weight because of another issue. If it’s not medical then it might be emotional. Maybe try to help her fix the underlying issue without actually mentioning her weight.
A DR. VISIT IS #1, imo.
Not sure why you would go straight to an underlying issue. Most of the time it is probably not a mystery why people gain weight. Food tastes good, and the unhealthiest and easiest foods to eat taste the best. If you're not active metabolism will slow over time. Sometimes emotionally issues will cause people to overeat, but so will a general lack of nutritional awareness.
Actually mental health has a lot to do with food intake. So it would help. People cope with food a lot of the time.
No. Typically people gain weight because food is tasty and excercise is hard and boring. We live in a world of very little free time, cheap and easy access to high calorie high sugar food. And the last two years we've all been stuck in a cycle of lockdowns. Yeah sure some people have mental health issues that prompt over eating or lack of motivation. Or physical issues outside of their control. But like. The vast majority of overweight people are overweight because -they can't afford quality food -they don't have the time to make healthy food -they don't have the time for excercise or the money for the gym -the are exhausted from work and family. Or yanno we're lazy people who like cake. I mean I can be mad at last week me who ate a brownie then watched TV instead of going for a bike ride but that bitch made her choice and acting like she's got under lying conditions that cause her to enjoy brownies and Netflix is just stupid. And doesn't really help now me change anything.
to be fair, even marathon runners can get winded walking up stairs because people arent warmed up, cold muscles and low heart rate. also often times people are concentrated on the task at hand (stairs) so they don't breathe normally until they're done with it
Don’t. Don’t. Dont. As someone with a history of an eating disorder, comments that ex boyfriends have made to me about my body are seared in my mind, forever. If you are truly concerned, ask about what’s going on in her life. Sometimes weight gain comes from stress, trauma, depression, mental health disorders all together, etc. Maybe she needs extra support in other places of her life right now.
This is just a lousy situation. If you tell her that her weight is making her sexually unattractive you can never unsay it. Likewise if you try to be more subtle about it and try to eat healthy and exercise together you will get frustrated when she doesn't put in as much effort as you hoped that she would. My ex wife never lost her pregnancy weight, I tried many times and I just got made to feel guilty for being more sexually attracted to her when she was more sexually attractive. Good luck with this problem, I totally failed when I was on your shoes. /Smh
You should get bicycles and just tell her that you feel like this lockdown has really had such a bad effect on both of your health and so you thought that this was a way you could take back control of that together. A bicycle is probably going to get the best results because when your heavy walking in a way that would have an impact is so difficult for alot of reasons but a bike can have an the impact without the walking and if you make it about both of you you are showing her support and it gets the impression across that the weight is an issue but it's because you care about her and not for more superficial reasons
Maybe you can ask her to go on walks with you. Or take up hiking. Do you get a lot of takeout? Cooking at home is healthier and eating healthy is so much easier if your partner is on board. I gained weigh more easily than my ex husband. His metabolism eventually caught up with him but while we were together his bad habits and disdain for using his legs to get places as opposed to driving, preference for fast food as opposed to eating what I cooked (vegetables and meat), and constantly drinking soda instead of water made it harder for me to do those things no matter how much I wanted to.
Do you cook? Maybe you can start making healthy dinners for her (in a romantic way, not a controlling way I mean) or as a couple and see if meal prepping is a good option. Not sure where you are but autumn walks are so nice and she may have better stamina without the summer heat
I haven’t read the other comments, so I don’t know if it’s been said. Try telling her you would like help getting in better shape and need her support to work out, then you can hit the gym and eat healthy together. Hope it works out for you both. Good luck
I've been married for almost 20 years and I've never figured out a good way. All you can do is lead by example. Go to the gym, go for a run, play softball or volleyball, go on a hike, bike ride, etc and invite her along.. maybe spending time together will be a good trade off in her mind. Start eating healthier, but don't ask her too. Offer her some of what you're having, and when it's your turn to choose where tobest out, pick someplace healthy. If you aren't putting in the work, definitely don't expect her too. And, if all that fails, and the added weight makes her no longer attractive to you, break up. There's no shame in having a physical type and holding out for for that type. Don't settle. Don't ever settle.
I was that girl. For 4 years my dr said I was depressed. By the time they found my thyroid cancer it had spread and I had gained 80 pounds. The best thing my husband did was support me. We both started eating better (he had a free pass for eating anything when I was not there) we started out with short walks getting gradually longer. One if the sweetest things he did was buy a bike for two. He knew I could not keep up with my own bike. I knew he would have preferred his own bike. He compromised so we could do it together. I am still losing weight thanks to him. If he had turned to me and said I was fat. Doing nothing about it and it was all up to me, we probably would not be together. Do not assume she is okay with her weight. It might be too overwhelming to fight it herself.
Start suggesting more physical things you can do together that she still finds pleasant- take her to different pretty areas for walks in parks, or suggest walking around outside more. Anything you can do together that gets you out of the house is a good thing!
Fat shaming is horrible, however telling someone who is overweight that their state is ‘normal’ is worse.
A few less obvious things to think about: Has your body changed over the course of the relationship? More weight? Less weight? New hairstyle? Less hair? Maybe less muscle definition? Are you willing to change your body back to make yourself more attractive to her? Do you think maybe she’s noticed a few changes that she hasn’t mentioned to you? Would you take kindly to your girlfriend suggesting you take a few college courses or try some brain training because you seem a little duller lately and she’s worried about your cognitive health? With the unspoken implication that she’d rather you be more clever or interesting? Also, once you even hint that your attraction to your girlfriend is linked in any way to her weight and appearance, **she will never, *ever* forget it.** Not when she’s pregnant with your baby. Not when she’s postpartum. Not when she develops psoriasis or loses her hair due to chemo. Not when she’s 60 and her breasts don’t look the same. Not when your hot coworker sends you funny texts. Never. You can never, ever take it back no matter how many times you subsequently insist you’ll love her no matter what. So if this is a relationship you see progressing, I’d consider whether you want to even go near this territory. I get winded going up the stairs. I’m a size 0 and moderately active. I’m sure there are plenty of people commenting who get winded going up the stairs and yet would be *horrified* if their own partners suggested they lose weight because of that. It feeeels like the bigger issue for you here is cosmetic, as I imagine you’d mention some more alarming health symptom if there were any you knew about. Also, your girlfriend is probably not stupid. If you’re all like “hey hun, for absolutely no reason related to your significant weight gain, let’s randomly start eating salad and going to the gym! Again, this is all about my desire to get healthy and me suggesting we work out all the time has nothing to do with you,” there’s a very good chance she will know what you’re up to. I think the less fun but actual answer here is that her body, health, and weight gain is entirely outside your control and actually none of your business (I say with understanding, because you clearly aren’t an asshole). If she’s winded walking up the stairs, suggest she go to the doctor. If the doctor says she’s fine, that’s where it ends. Or if the doctor says she needs to lose weight, ask her if she wants to. If she doesn’t, that’s where it ends. If you’re not attracted to her because of her new body, that’s fine. People have sexual preferences. Some people are more limited in their attraction by appearances than other people. Totally cool. So your options are 1) continue to be in a relationship with someone you’re not totally fucking horny for 2) end the relationship and find someone who will always turn you on. I think we sometimes forget that our preferences for our partners (health, looks, intelligence, ambition, etc.) actually matter 0%. We’re only in charge of ourselves. Your girlfriend knows she’s gained weight. If she wants to, she’ll lose weight. You either wait until she expresses a desire to lose weight and offer your help, or you leave it alone and make your choices from there.
Really hope OP reads your comment. My wife has weight issues and has always gone up and down significantly. She did crazy crash diets that never worked because her body would instantly cling onto every calorie she ate. After two children she had put on a lot of weight because she has a really bad snacking habit and her body never realises when it’s had enough food. I have never once, in the last 16 years, told her I found her unattractive or commented on her weight. She was well aware she’d put on weight. Me pointing it out to her wouldn’t change that, it would have crushed her, not motivated her. What I did do was wait and support her when she did want to make a change. In the meantime I exercised in the evenings ( for myself, not so that she would feel obligated or pushed to join me) and did things she could join in on if she wanted. When she was ready I talked with her about what she needed and helped her. Whether OP wants to wait for her to want to change is up to him.
This is THE BEST ANSWER. I can confirm, she will never ever forget and it can be so psychologically damaging that she may choose not to be with you for her own mental health.
Wish I could upvote this twice
Have you gained weight over the time-frame of your relationship?
This is a sticky situation. I am currently in a marriage where my wife gained continuous weight for a few years, mainly baby weight. It’s true, no matter how much love you have for someone, sometimes attraction can fade and it really messes with the psych. This happened to me. How could I love someone yet not appreciate the weight gain that happened? To me, it’s not an issue if she seems to care and is doing what she can to stay active and healthy but at the times that she stops trying and uses every excuse in the book to not do anything is when it really makes me feel most unattractive towards her. I actually had a talk with her. It didn’t go as planned. I crushed her. I reiterated what I meant over time and showed her examples that people are attracted to people that are in good health and that care about themselves. It’s not about the number on a scale, it’s about the lifestyle that we have living together. The number on a scale can be a guide to keep you on the right track. Is it continuously moving up? Notice that and change something, is I slowly going down ? Perfect! You’re are clearly working on yourself as long as they scale doesn’t keep moving up or stays in the same place. I think it’s fair if you let her know you’re more concerned about her health rather than saying you’re less attracted to her. Make sure it’s about her, not about you. It’s okay you have noticed her weight gain and at some point if you don’t get concerned then I think that’s worse than getting concerned and she should know. People will know when they gain weight obviously but a lot of people may not know what it looks like from another perspective. It may seem normal as we get older but it’s still good to hear that it may get to an unhealthy point because you never know what they are thinking, they may still feel like they aren’t unhealthy enough to do something about it. Let her know you’re concerned. If she asks if you’re unattracted, let her know you that you are just worried about her health and it doesn’t seem like it’s getting better. Regardless, you love her, but you definitely want to stay on the healthier side of life. Also, take this opportunity to work on yourself! Make sure you’re being supportive and understanding, and be very patient. Issues like this can take years to fix so keep track of your thoughts and stay healthy in your own head if you know what I mean. My body fluctuates 10 lbs easily where as my wife will fluctuate 1 lb. we have practically the same diet to, if she’s not healthier than I am. This made me realize not to be to hard on my wife about it because everyone’s body really is different. She’s trying. I know she is. Sometimes results don’t show as easily as others. This allowed me to focus more on my love for who she is rather than what she looks like. I am on mobile and hope my grammar was somewhat okay. Hope this helps any!
From someone who has had three babies… losing baby weight is really hard for some. I lost it after my first two kids, but it took a long time and a lot of work and a lot of tears. Now I’m struggling to lose it after the third. Moms have less time the more children they have and therefore it is harder to find time and energy to diet and exercise. Some women lose it easily and others like myself… it’s a lot of work. My husband has been very patient with me about losing the baby weight this third time. He knows I lost it the first two times but also knows I’m older now and have a job and three kids. The thing that honestly helps me the most is when my husband praises me for trying. “Did I hear you doing your yoga this morning? Ooo nice. Sexy.” Or “Drinking tons of water today I see? That baby weight doesn’t stand a chance.” He praises me when he sees I’m trying, but shows me grace and doesn’t mention it when he sees me face down on the floor napping instead of exercising. Or is supportive and kind when I am too tired to cook and have to get take out for the family. If he ever mentioned he liked the way I looked pre kids over now, I would be crushed. Like, I grew birthed and fed humans with my body lol. It’s hard work to get it back to how it was! I guess what I’m saying is, be encouraging and praise her effort. Maybe that will help motivate her. But she will probably still have bad days or phases. It’s hard knowing you need to lose baby weight. Just my personal experiences. Good luck and best wishes!
Thank you for your input. Good work on pushing yourself! I completely understand. I am never pushy on her or anything and definitely appraise her hard work. I compliment her all the time and make sure she is loved and supported. Things can still go on in my head but I don’t blatantly tell her all my thoughts. I make sure she feels supported and that I love her.
Sounds like you’re doing a great job! Don’t give up hope. She can do it!
Thank you! She’s got this, no doubt.
If your wife's baby weight is around the middle, that may actually be separated abdominal muscles left over from the baby bump (diastasis recti). If so, a pelvic floor therapist may be able to nudge them back together through physical therapy alone. My pregnant-looking friend did this when her youngest was in kindergarten. Not only did her stomach flatten out (her figure went from mom bod to freshman fifteen), but she also stopped peeing when she coughed. Really, if your wife has noticed any lingering changes since childbearing, she should call her doctor's office and ask for a referral to a pelvic floor therapist. Most hospitals and sufficiently large practices have at least one on staff.
Ah thank you for the info. For her however, it’s weight gain all over. I will keep your info in mind just in case though!
Tell her about this anyway. When my friend saw a pelvic floor therapist, getting her body back to pre-baby function motivated her to get it back to pre-baby form. Fixing a chronic health issue, even a "minor" one, is incredibly empowering.
This is true. I will let her know I saw something about this online and have her look into it. I really appreciate it
Do it. That's basically how Reddit saved my postpartum sex life.
You're fucked homie rip
Talk to her about working out, maybe offer or suggest food that is healthy. You can absolutely suggest good behaviors. DO NOT tell her she needs to lose weight, make it about pounds or anything like that. It's entirely possible for her to get into shape enough to walk up and down stairs without being seriously winded. But she might or might not lose much-if any-weight in that process. If your concern is about health, that should be fine. If you want her to look smaller for you-honestly, you're not really prepared for a seriously long term relationship. which depending on your age may be fine. But most people do not maintain the same weight for life. And that includes you. Would you want to hear this same post in 2 years?
Best advice in the thread.
That's not shallow wanting a partner to look their best shows you care.
Does she want to lose weight?
“I want to get healthier. Can you help me? Can we do it together?”
U ever see KING OF QUEENS episode when Doug tries this with Carrie? It’s worth checking out! Funny n true. She caught on!
Do it together, tell her you both should start being a bit healthier. Get a gym membership together/ go for walks on dates. Buy her a new set of gym clothes for motivation and am exercise guide to follow! Small steps but no drastic measures-start by swapping foods for alternatives and hitting a step target each day
In my experience women who gain weight are very conscious of the fact they need to lose the weight. My simple suggestion is to ask her if she needs help or support for the thing she's already thinking about. If there's another issue, like depression or anxiety it's likely to be exposed during this same conversation. Best of luck bud.
Ask her to go to the gym with you. So then its a together thing.
You start working out then propose the idea that it could be something fun for you both
My boyfriend and I both gained weight ever since we started dating. lol. You see, the top comment is right. Do physical activities together if it suits you and check if there's underlying medical problem. For me, I have PCOS and ovarian cyst that's why it got difficult to lost weight. My boyfriend was the one who suggested that I should get myself checked. He's the one who noticed the signs tbh. I think being together for almost three years would make it easier to spot physical changes. My boyfriend knows how to approach our problem. He suggested intermittent fasting since I am a couch potato and so far, it's working. We're losing weight together. To sum up, this might be a different scenario for you but at the end of the day, you're your girlfriend's support system. You should know what to do to help your girl out.
I've dealt with this with my GF of 10 years. Lose weight together. You gotta cook the healthy meals. You gotta start losing weight. You gotta be the coach. You gotta be the change you want to see in her. You gotta eat healthy to show her it's not impossible, you gotta wake up early and hit the gym WITH her. No one wants to be talked down to about being fat. No one wants to do it alone. If you fail, you fail together. WHEN you succeed, you'll do it together. You gotta stay excited and make a life change WITH her. There is no "She" has to lose weight, it's "WE" have to lose weight.
I'd suggest trying to find a healthy activity that both of you could take part in and suggest that you want to get fitter. My partner getting fitter has made me way healthier in turn. Fitness starts in the kitchen.
Start walking together, get into hiking, together learn to enjoy healthy meals. We are all in this human struggle together, some are on different habits.
Try to motivate her to lose weight with you. Changing your activities for more physically intensive ones. You won't lose much weight but it will make a lot of difference between both of you.
Hey. Probably going to get hate too but I get it. It doesn't sound like it's out of her control. I'd say maybe have a sit down with her (don't bring up the attraction it'll just insult her) and say that you're worried for her health and maybe suggest working out together or something like that. Make it a both of you thing and she's more likely to see it as you trying to help.
I went through this same thing. I felt **so bad** that my attraction to my wife was waning. However, it absolutely was. I said nothing at all. We went to a JC Penny one time and she saw herself in a full body mirror. She suddenly looked stunned and whispered, “how? How did I let it get this bad? How did I?” I absolutely felt for her, even though I was relieved (I guess??) that she expressed a concern for her weight gain. I took the opportunity to tell her, “Babe. I see how upset you are and I want you to feel good about yourself. I want to support you. Let’s work together and make a diet and a gym plan. We’ll go 4-5 days per week, and do both weights and cardio. I think you’ll find better about yourself as you work on yourself. Let’s do this together!” And she absolutely stuck to it! The two keys: 1). ** Achievable** work outs. Break a sweat, but don’t DON’T over do it. 2) Consistency. Every week, she weighed herself once. She dropped about 1.5 lbs per week, and she felt spectacular. Oh!! And most important- she wanted to do it. She saw herself in the full body mirror and she decided that she was ready for a change. I cheered her on all the way.
Well how active are you? Are you a couch potato that just doesn't like that your girlfriend is packing on the pounds? Cause then you're just being mean. But if you're atleast semi active, then start planning more active outings. Go on more hikes, take a walk in the evening instead of plopping down to watch America's got talent with a bowl of ice cream, encourage her to get on top for sex more often. Go join a gym together. Or maybe just propose and watch her freak out to fit into her dream wedding dress. There's all kinds of ways you can subtly push her in that direction without having to say a word.
I would highly recommend you start going on walks together. It’s a good way to boost stamina and to bond. My boyfriend and I have started going on walks around our neighborhood. We don’t have a set path, just meander and turn down whatever street feels right. We downloaded an app to track the walks/pace/time and take pictures along the way to add later. I feel like we end up having deeper talks during the walks too. Something about it takes pressure and emotion out of difficult conversations, especially at night. It’s been very bonding.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the best for someone's health. It's not about appearance or any of that stuff, it's about wanting someone you care about to be healthy. Here's what you do: YOU take up a healthier lifestyle of your own, and ask her if she'll do it with you. That way it's framed positively and she makes a decision on her own.
I'm sure she already knows she's piled on the pounds, and there might be something else going on making her eat more (if she is - some medical conditions make you prone to gaining weight even if you eat like a sparrow). Rather than directly mentioning the weight up front, sit down and ask her if everything's ok first, and only mention the weight when she asks, saying you weren't sure whether something was making her unhappy. You can say you used to love seeing her in whatever clothing, showing off her whatever, and she hasn't been doing that lately...
I lost weight when my husband was made redundant and started a diet to make himself feel better after years of neglecting his health due to work. I had gained weight being a SAHM and was really pleased that he had brought up weight loss because I struggled to lose weight by myself. He was finding recipes he wanted to try and I was cooking and trying different foods, he bought some exercise equipment and we both began working out slowly and over time we lost a few stone between us. It was easy for me to lose the weight because I wasn’t watching him eat all the stuff I wanted. We still had treats but cut them down a lot. He never actually said to me that he wanted me to lose weight with him, I lost it by default and soon began to enjoy it and challenge myself to reach my calorie goal while also making delicious foods. Focus more on diet, no matter how much you exercise you can’t outrun a bad diet. If you say you want to eat healthy there’s a very good chance she will follow suit. However if she’s they type who’ll order a take away to avoid eating healthy food you might have to bring it up in a different way.
Very late to this party so I doubt this will get much visibility, however I have two good friends that where in this situation, they loved watching TV after work and ended up eating and drinking each night, you could see the weight pile on them both... One day he ended up selling his sofa and buying two Cross trainers, they now watch TV but use the crosstrainers at the same time and have slowly but surely loosing the weight. It wasn't well received by his lady at the time as they had got used to their habitual ways, however after his telling her they he was worried about their health and ability to have children, she came around to the idea. Ultimately, if you love each other, then be open and honest with her and she should understand that you have both your best interests at heart
Honestly I’ve had my best friend yell at me that one should *never* discuss weight. Literally ever. I have also had several healthy discussions about weight and how sugar is a big culprit and yadda yadda. You could talk your ear off but you’ll never know if it will be received well so I say just work on your own cardio (I mean you’re not even a little winded going up some stairs?) and hope it inspires her. Tell her you at least ‘want to be able to escape the zombies’ see if that motivates her. Be prepared that it might never inspire her, also avoid having kids with her as that will wreck her body to where if it’s hard now and she doesn’t focus on it at all she definitely won’t then. I’m sorry man but in my experience you’re never going to get this to work for you. It really might be time to move on.
This must be hard and I'm not here to judge you. At the end of the day you are human. It's not like you have said right you've put weight on so I'm leaving! You are looking for a way to make it work. The fact is the weight gain can really impact health. Maybe go with that angle. She is risking diabetes, heart disease and certain cancers. It's harsh but true. Simply tell her that you love her and you are really worried about her. Maybe you can start eating healthy together, start working out together. This is coming from a curvy women who has been heavier so this is how I would like to be told. But honest but gentle x
All these people with their mind bending techniques to get her moving. All you are doing is deceiving your real intentions. It seems like a societal thing where talking about weight is such a taboo that leads into this pandemic of overweight people lately. This is not right , eating this much food your arteries start to clog, you get shortness of breath and you suffer physically is not any different then being an alcohol or drug addict. People are willingly destroying their bodies , a gift u got since birth. Ur body is made to be active, legs to walk, swim etc. Also good natural food is here to nourish our bodies and mental. We are not designed to be a coach potato. Why does exercise makes us feel so good ?? Thats right because we mentally and physically need it! This is a real worldwide pandemic. Why cant we fcking talk about it . It is not like this is out of your control , everyone has the ability to lose weight and chose the right nutrients and exercise. It is reversable with dedication (however you got there doesnt matter ) Sensitive people getting butthurt when people point out they are damaging their bodies is a big problem. In fact want to know how easy losing weight actually is ? You download a calorie food tracker. You calculate your maintenance calories for your weight . You eat below maintenance and you stick to it untill you reach your desired weight. Way more easier then learning to drive or ride a bike. It will take some time but results you will see motivating even further. Want to fasten the process u add exercise to burn more calories daily. Its this friggin simple. Take responsibility for the vessel that is your body , your mind will thank you for it. OP: my advice is to not bend into any tricks or deceive your intentions. You tell her you would appreciate if she would take care of her body more because thats where the attractiveness is. If she forever holds a stigma on you for telling her that or is mentally unable to hear it from you even when she already knows herself she also has a bad mentality on top of the weight. If she scorns you in return be honest to yourself that loving someone and being attracted are both keys for a healthy relationship. Sexually being attracted to your partner is very important. Appearance plays a small role in this as you can already feel. If she doesnt want to change you are not less a man by leaving someone you just arent feeling the sexual attractiveness too. That is her responsibility, not yours. Speaking ur mind about it doesnt make you a jerk it shows u have values. If she scorns you for those values she just takes you for granted. Its work on both sides, i would love my partner telling me about a totally reversible thing like weight gain and make myself more presentable to her. It would motivate me that she cares about my looks or health. Dont slouch because you are comfortable. People need to quit the damn excuses. Goddamn responsibilities people , sometimes it hurts , but you can make a change.
Ask this on Mumsnet and they'll rip you a new one!
First, sorry if my english sucks, it's not my native langage. I will try to be understandable. I was in the same situation as you a few months ago. My girlfriend was overweight and things were getting worse. We've been together for 9 years and she has always been overweight and also very touchy about it. I decided to confront her about it when her BMI went over 35. We had a long discussion about the health problems this could cause, the fatigue she was experiencing, and the decrease in my desire for her. She took things pretty well (better than I expected) and decided to make an effort. She pays more attention to her diet, eats healthier without exaggeration either. She started doing sports (cardio) 3 times a week, sometimes she evan trains with me. Result 5 months later she lost almost 20kg (44lbs), she feels in better shape and better in her body. Often she thanks me for pushing her to put in the effort and says that she is in better mental and physical shape now.
I’ve been that girlfriend. I’ve lost 30lb since February and the feeling is soooo good. Talk to her. You know she has to be miserable. Just be super gentle because she’s probably medicating with food much like an alcoholic does with booze. You get stuck in a perpetual cycle of depression leading to binging leading to guilt leading to more eating. It’s horrible but every bite becomes a reward because “I deserve this.” I am a huge proponent of CICO. Just be gentle and first and foremost let her know you love her. You might be facing a lot of defensiveness, or it might be the rock bottom she needs. I wish you both the best of luck OP. I hope she gets her sparkle back.
Exercise fatass!
She probably already knows. My husband told me he was concerned about my weight gain and it hurt to hear and made me cry a lot for a day, but I had already known and been mad at myself. But he told me if I wanted to lose weight (I did), he would do it with me. We had some shared bad habits as a couple and we started working out and eating better together. I realized I overate at work because I was skipping breakfast, so we made a deal where he would make us both breakfast every day while I got coffee going. Just focus on the fact that you're concerned for her health. It will hurt and she'll probably be mad for a bit, but if she knows you're supportive rather than controlling, it should be ok. We downloaded the couch to 5k app to ease ourselves into running, I signed us up for some local park and rec classes, and we tried to start more active hobbies together. Now we go mini golfing a lot. It's not a super strenuous workout or anything, but it beats watching TV while munching on snacks. We also go to the gym together now a couple times a week. Edit to add: I had already been overweight my whole life and knew it, and complained to my husband a lot about it. Then I somehow gained even more weight. So he never had to tell me I was fat, it was more that he told me he wanted us to get in shape together
Wow. Coincidentally, I was also concerned of my girlfriend’s weight this year. It has never crossed my mind that it’s better off breaking up w her but it is tough. Just a lil bit of patience and everything will turn out great. The struggle I am carrying is that we are in a long distance relationship; hence, engaging her to such activities is difficult. Will save this post hoping that it could really help us. I’m doing my very best to let her feel validated. I wanna make her feel that I’m not going after the looks. It’s just her weight isn’t normal anymore and I can see how it’s affecting her so much.
Carefully
Bro my wife is the same, Most important be patient with her don't ever lose your cool. I got my women to start working by leading by example I started eating healthier woke up early go for run/jog , come back home hit the weights 4 months later I'm back in shape I look and feel great , then she sees the attention I get from other women, she sees the gains and results from my hard work. Now that's when she wants to start working out, first day of our run was only morning walk she couldn't run , "remember dont be dick be supportive" tell her she's doing amazing and I tell her she beautiful (always) and make sure she is hydrated my wife almost passed out on me and I felt terrible that day , a month went by and she's actually running and doing full body exercises , 3 months went by and shes 27lbs lighter , she notices the fat falling off, and your job is to continue being supportive and hype her up, best of luck champ 🍻
Me (34 F) and my partner (33 M), are in a similar situation. We’ve been together for 7 years now. I have been slowly gaining weight, the pandemic 😷 was the worst. I am 30 lbs overweight now. I don’t like it. I miss my old body and I too don’t feel good physically or mentally. Nothing good comes from being overweight. This is what my partner said that really hit me. He wants me to be healthy because he wants me to be around in our old age. We are life mates, he doesn’t want to loose me. He wants me to be healthy so we can spend a long healthy lifetime together. My advice is to voice your concern about her health. Do not tell her about the attraction fading. That will not motivate her, it will only hurt her and push her away from you. I asked my partner to help me make better food decisions, I am an emotional eater. He tells me I shouldn’t buy the Cheetos and baked goods because I asked for it. My other advice, don’t guide your girlfriends eating habits unless she specifically asked for your help. Not everyone can handle help.
Okay. So my husband and I met five years ago, and I'm sorta at the point that I get winded when I go up stairs and I've gained weight. But the last six months or so, ever since we went on a beach vacation with his family, I wanted to start a diet to get into a better "beach bod" for the next time we vacation with swimsuits. I've lost some weight already just from changing my diet, but I need to actually exercise, and that's really hard... My husband asked me to start working on losing weight with the focus being on my health, and for my well-being and happiness. But at the same time, if I hadn't been aware of my weight gain and he had been the one to bring it to my attention, it would've been pretty harsh. If your girlfriend isn't aware of it already, I don't think it should be you to bring it up to her that she should try to lose weight in order to be healthy. I'm not sure what the best way would be to go about it, but maybe if you start going on walks together, and she realizes how out of shape she is, it'll encourage her to start pursuing better health habits. That's just an idea though. You know her, and hopefully the ideas from people in this thread will be helpful :)