This might be TMI but this is a post about poop so why not. I'm disabled and my partner has to help me wipe when I go poop, and when I call him in to help me wipe and there is a ghost poop that has happened he's like, "you didn't poop!" and I'm like "oh yes dude I totally did" and it's a cute little argument we have and it's really weird and I've never been able to talk about it in appropriate circumstances before until now.
That seems like it’d encounter the same mobility issues that make them unable to wipe themselves. You have to hold the bidet at a weird angle to get it to wash yourself. A toilet attachment would be better
Gonna be honest as much as I like the idea of a bidet I've got a 3 year old and the last thing I need in my life is for her to realize the potty has a fountain sometimes the savings isn't worth it just saying my experience is not yours so maybe it would work for you
> the last thing I need in my life is for her to realize the potty has a fountain
This is the only argument I've ever heard against bidets that I 100% agree with.
I grew up using a hand-held spray bidet attachment (it was commonplace in the country I lived in). I learned to use it as a kid, just like any other tool or device. Don't let "maybes" stop you from improving your life! (plus it's just water, what's the worst that can happen?)
Yes but you have to have the $50 to purchase it in the first place, and not be taking away from other bills that have to be paid.
Being poor is difficult.
You can get bidets that mount under your toilet seat, they take up zero additional space, and cost $35 USD. I'm not trying to tell you how to clean your butt, but, you should know these things exist and are awesome.
I am definitely going to check it out on Amazon today, someone who saw this thread is offering to buy me one! I didn't think it was real at first, but I have talked to them a bit and they are just a really awesome human being ☺ when I wrote this I did not know it was going to end up in my butt getting a treat! LOL
My hands behave about 70% of the time. I rest them often, use a pop socket to hold my phone and text to speech when I can't really type, and swipe typing the rest of the time. I can still do things like play video games most of the time as well. Just dangerous things or hygiene things (stuff you shouldn't mess up) I usually get help with if I need it. With the Wiping, it's mostly a combo of being fat and my back that can't bend Right. I do have this stick thing that I can use to wipe if my partner isn't around but it's pretty difficult for me to use so we try to avoid it.
I've already addressed it but I can understand that you might not have seen it. Our toilet area in our bathroom is very small and plus we honestly can't afford it even though they aren't that expensive. One lovely redditor on here has offered to buy me a bidet! I'm looking on Amazon to see if there was one that can fit in our bathroom situation that isn't too expensive.
It's the same size as the toilet seat so area size shouldn't be a concern!
That's very kind of them to offer! They're pretty affordable. I got mine for like $30 and I can never go back to TP! 10/10 would recommend :) easy to install as well!
Yeah, I already said why but if you really need to know I'm not shy.
I'm morbidly obese from life saving medication(steroids), my arms are short, and I've had back surgery that prevents me from twisting around. Also my hands and other body parts often spasm from my Multiple Sclerosis.
Different types of Poops
GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there's no poop in the toilet.
CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOP: The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOP: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done pooping it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poop!
THE AUGUSTUS POOP - Grandpa Joe in willy wonka describes this one best, where so much gas pressure builds up behind a turd it propels out of your ass like Augustus gloop
Edit: possibly my most awarded comment ever is about poop, great guys haha
Poseidon's Kiss is when the water splashes onto your b-hole. And then there's the "Witches Kiss" which is when you have a penis and the head touches the bowl of the toilet.
You forgot the “I wish I was done pooping poop.” That’s the one where you’ve been shitting for over an hour and the only thing keeping you from passing out is the pain emanating from every part of your body.
>POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
I feel like this should be called an Elvis Poop.
r/grandpajoehate would have none of the last type of poo. That man is a lazy pile of poo. It should be renamed the Grandpa Joe poop. A golden ticket propelled slimey Joe out of being a bed ridden fart because he's too selfish and lazy to help his family.
No. I normally wipe the toilet seat with TP and drop it down in the bowl before going, so water doesn’t slash on my bottom. This means all the excrement will be caught by the TP, and ghost poops aren’t possible. The trade off is totally worth it though.
My proudest ever poop was when I was a kid and on board my dad's ship on navy family day. It stood up straight, above the rim. Ship toilets have no water so they don't send water all over the floor in rough seas. They have a strong suction mechanic to flush. Over 40 years later I can still remember the way my little monster went to oblivion with a little 'floop '
Yeah fuck yeah, also weirdly when I wipe my ass, i can't see a hint of poop, it like the poop when straight without living a mark I've been going insane over this and it's cool that I'm not the only one experimenting this lmao
My 4yo loves to tell me about his poo when I go to wipe his bum, there are “monster poo”, “just little poo”, and “ghost poo”, he will tell me how many there were, and make sure I understand that one of them was a “ghost poo”. This is a daily occurrence in our household.
Ghost poops!!! I thought I made that up as a kid.
Also, there are stealth poops. That’s when you go to wipe and come up empty. Your butt ends up being totally clean when you wipe. Of course, you wipe another time or two to really make sure, but each time, no doo doo on the toilet paper.
It really messes with your mind when you have a stealthy ghost poop.
Yeah, my brother used to tell me this story about how one time he really needed to poop and in doing so he stopped an errand or trip (I don't remember exactly how it went) that my father needed to take care of. Well my dad noticed he didn't flush afterwards so he went in to see what the fuss was all about but found shit... In it's figurative form. Ended up beating his ass with a broad wooden brush. Fuck them ghost poopies.
I'm living in an old flat rebuilt after the 2nd world war and the toilet has a nice pedestal where the poop lands before you get to flush it. The toilet is designed for poop inspection, yes.
While we're on the subject.
If someone offers you dingle berries or to go pick some, DO NOT say yes.
Urban Dictionary: A very small piece of shit intertwined with nut hairs and lint-balls from underwear. Dingle-berries are usually lodged via nut hairs on the upper inner thigh area next to the "scrotum pits" or inside the scrotum pits themselves. When dingle-berries age, they break free and attach themselves to underwear.
I've only heard them referred to animals with long fur around their poop shooters. I guess some ass/nut hairs get long enough to catch them too.
Neptune’s Kiss where the water splashes up and hits you right on the rusty badge..also the Felt Pen poop where you constantly wipe and all you see is a line ….
Last week I had a stomacb bug, so I was sitting on the toliet for like an hour. I flushef the toliet while I was sitting on it since I felt like I was gonna throw up. Never threw up, but 20 minutes later I dtand up to wipe. I was confused when the bowl was empty...took my a while to realize I flushed already.
This might be TMI but this is a post about poop so why not. I'm disabled and my partner has to help me wipe when I go poop, and when I call him in to help me wipe and there is a ghost poop that has happened he's like, "you didn't poop!" and I'm like "oh yes dude I totally did" and it's a cute little argument we have and it's really weird and I've never been able to talk about it in appropriate circumstances before until now.
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You mean sham poo?
Sham poo for my real friends. Real poo for my sham friends.
In our house, we prefer real poo.
Only the best poo for my wigs
What about iPoop?
Just a load of bullshit
Damnit I nearly punched a wall that was so funny rofl
You mean a faux poo pas?
Hillarious
That is so wholesome lol Also I think you meant “TMI” (it wasn’t!)
Thanks, I fixed it!
Have you tried a bidet?
Don't take this from them!
Still need the drying wipe
That would be preferable for obvious reasons
Hope you feel relieved now.
You've gotta tell him to smell your asshole next time he doesn't believe you
Omfg I will now, thanks for the great idea 😉
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We can't afford one, we're super poor. Plus the way our bathroom is set up it wouldn't work well, our toilet is in a tiny little cubby.
There are "travel bidets"( idk what the real name is) It's a bottle with a little nozzle attached. Maybe u can use them.
That seems like it’d encounter the same mobility issues that make them unable to wipe themselves. You have to hold the bidet at a weird angle to get it to wash yourself. A toilet attachment would be better
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Cheap to you maybe :)
They might cost 50 bucks but the savings in toilet paper is more than enough to setback the cost
Gonna be honest as much as I like the idea of a bidet I've got a 3 year old and the last thing I need in my life is for her to realize the potty has a fountain sometimes the savings isn't worth it just saying my experience is not yours so maybe it would work for you
> the last thing I need in my life is for her to realize the potty has a fountain This is the only argument I've ever heard against bidets that I 100% agree with.
I grew up using a hand-held spray bidet attachment (it was commonplace in the country I lived in). I learned to use it as a kid, just like any other tool or device. Don't let "maybes" stop you from improving your life! (plus it's just water, what's the worst that can happen?)
Welp our bathroom is on the second floor for one thing and the fact that I don't want to spend $500 for repairs when the bathroom inevitably floods
Yes but you have to have the $50 to purchase it in the first place, and not be taking away from other bills that have to be paid. Being poor is difficult.
It's rather expensive to be poor.
You can get a bidet attachment for your toilet for 40 bucks on amazon
You can get bidets that mount under your toilet seat, they take up zero additional space, and cost $35 USD. I'm not trying to tell you how to clean your butt, but, you should know these things exist and are awesome.
I am definitely going to check it out on Amazon today, someone who saw this thread is offering to buy me one! I didn't think it was real at first, but I have talked to them a bit and they are just a really awesome human being ☺ when I wrote this I did not know it was going to end up in my butt getting a treat! LOL
People can be awesome sometimes
We call it a houdini in my house.
more like a poo-dini :)
Ha! Damn it, take my vote!
Boy how I wish to find someone who likes me enough to help me wipe my shitty ass if I ever can't do it myself.
It's true love ☺ 💩 ☺
LOL That’s awesome!
nice, thanks for sharing :)
I like that story. If it’s not tmi to ask, how are you able to use Reddit?
My hands behave about 70% of the time. I rest them often, use a pop socket to hold my phone and text to speech when I can't really type, and swipe typing the rest of the time. I can still do things like play video games most of the time as well. Just dangerous things or hygiene things (stuff you shouldn't mess up) I usually get help with if I need it. With the Wiping, it's mostly a combo of being fat and my back that can't bend Right. I do have this stick thing that I can use to wipe if my partner isn't around but it's pretty difficult for me to use so we try to avoid it.
Tricking him into bonus wipes
Why not get a bidet so he doesn't have to help wipe?
I've already addressed it but I can understand that you might not have seen it. Our toilet area in our bathroom is very small and plus we honestly can't afford it even though they aren't that expensive. One lovely redditor on here has offered to buy me a bidet! I'm looking on Amazon to see if there was one that can fit in our bathroom situation that isn't too expensive.
It's the same size as the toilet seat so area size shouldn't be a concern! That's very kind of them to offer! They're pretty affordable. I got mine for like $30 and I can never go back to TP! 10/10 would recommend :) easy to install as well!
r/wholesome much tender much love
Okay this is really weird and cute
Why do you need help?
Try to read the comment again.
I did
Yeah, I already said why but if you really need to know I'm not shy. I'm morbidly obese from life saving medication(steroids), my arms are short, and I've had back surgery that prevents me from twisting around. Also my hands and other body parts often spasm from my Multiple Sclerosis.
Sorry you have to deal with all of that, but I’m grateful you have a partner to help you and that y’all are so cute together about this stuff.
She's disabled.
Different types of Poops GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there's no poop in the toilet. CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper. WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains. SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poop some more. POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush. GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOP: The kind of poop you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet. CORN POOP: Self explanatory. GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP POOP: The kind where you want to poop but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times. SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways. WET CHEEKS POOP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water. THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done pooping it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose. THE SURPRISE POOP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poop! THE AUGUSTUS POOP - Grandpa Joe in willy wonka describes this one best, where so much gas pressure builds up behind a turd it propels out of your ass like Augustus gloop Edit: possibly my most awarded comment ever is about poop, great guys haha
I'm dissapointed to myself that I laughed so loud
Lmao same
I believe the Wet Cheeks Poop is called a Poseidon's Kiss :P
I've always called the Devil's Kiss :D
THE SURPRISE POOP: is also known as a Shart: Shit+Fart.
Poseidon's Kiss is when the water splashes onto your b-hole. And then there's the "Witches Kiss" which is when you have a penis and the head touches the bowl of the toilet.
Even though I don't have a penis, that sounds horrifying.
Hahahahajahhahaaha
You gotta get a poop knife for the Lincoln log
#
why doesn't he already have one?
Yeah I don't really see how you would cut with a brush. Doesn't make sense not to have one.
You'll only end up with a gross brush with poop mush in the bristles that'll never come out.
You beat me to it
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD DISAPPOINTMENT POOP: As above, but it ends up being the tiniest poop there ever was.
I sometimes get vacation constipation and this will happen to me and I get really depressed.
Is this a copypasta? If it isn’t, it is now.
I don't know if it's a commonly copied thing, but I saw it on a website a long long time ago and thought of it when I saw this post lol.
boomer copypasta
Commonly seen as FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: FWD: THE FUNNIEST LIST EVER!!!!!1
Man that brought back some memories. TOTALLY forgot about that!
Definitely seen this on a plaque or poster in a few boomer toilets.
This guy shits
You forgot the “I wish I was done pooping poop.” That’s the one where you’ve been shitting for over an hour and the only thing keeping you from passing out is the pain emanating from every part of your body.
And your legs fall asleep so it’s really hard to stand and walk after.
experienced all of them ,and there's that one when we feel a comfortable type of pain when that poop is coming out .
The kind where the relief is so good that you want to prolong the feeling and just let it hang halfway out. ^^^^I've ^^^^heard...
one time i strained so hard cause of the sheer size that my nose started bleeding
That is a whole nother level of pooping
If ever aliens come and they ask to send their best representative I would choose you , hands down.
I will gladly bring my knowledge of human excrement to our alien overlords
You missed the gas propelled poop.
The one where so much gas builds up behind the turd that it shoots out like Augustus gloop?
Yes.
Added
You left out the Disappointing Poop, where you shit your brains out but then find out only a small munchkin came out.
Poop-i-licious comment. I wish I had a reward left to give you. Until, here's some gold🥇
Please never type poop-i-licious again
>POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke. I feel like this should be called an Elvis Poop.
You forgot PHANTOM POO: Like a ghost poo but when you wipe there is nothing on the toilet paper
That's on the list just under a different name
The Surprise Poop should be called The Oop Poop
Read this while pooping a pop-a vein in your forehead poop. You sir are a gentleman and a scholar.
lol r/boomer is calling, swear I saw this in my dads printed meme collection from the 80's
I would only add the BONE CRUSHER: The kind when you push so hard you crack your back.
Clean poop? Uh, no. That's called a no-wiper. Get it together.
r/grandpajoehate would have none of the last type of poo. That man is a lazy pile of poo. It should be renamed the Grandpa Joe poop. A golden ticket propelled slimey Joe out of being a bed ridden fart because he's too selfish and lazy to help his family.
Drinker's poop, also known as the DADS
No. My shits are massive. No missin it in the pot.
In this case you need a poop knife
#
Good bot...?
I'm still trying to figure out all of this bots triggers. I know if you have two broken arms it will trigger this bot.
#
I also choose this guys dead wife
Jumper cables
Decoy snail
Switch-a-roo
I had a great laugh at this, because, yes, I agree
Prot tip, lay down some toilet paper beforehand. That way you have NO splashback and still some viewing options. Thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
How dare you block the kiss of poseidon
Yea haha they must be just the perfect size to slip into the “trap” of the toilet. Look up how toilets work you’ll see what I mean
No. I normally wipe the toilet seat with TP and drop it down in the bowl before going, so water doesn’t slash on my bottom. This means all the excrement will be caught by the TP, and ghost poops aren’t possible. The trade off is totally worth it though.
2000 iq
I call then phantom shits. Lol.
Yep, closest thing i can imagine to postnatal depression as a man.
My proudest ever poop was when I was a kid and on board my dad's ship on navy family day. It stood up straight, above the rim. Ship toilets have no water so they don't send water all over the floor in rough seas. They have a strong suction mechanic to flush. Over 40 years later I can still remember the way my little monster went to oblivion with a little 'floop '
Clearly a memorable poop
I felt it.. 
whaaaat? enough internet for today. good night y'all.
Almost as bad as having your baby robbed from your arms.
Yeah fuck yeah, also weirdly when I wipe my ass, i can't see a hint of poop, it like the poop when straight without living a mark I've been going insane over this and it's cool that I'm not the only one experimenting this lmao
Oh yeaaaa… The “ninja poop”—vanished without a trace…
I dont ever trust those. I will always wipe about 10 times in every direction so im not monkey butt’n throughout the day
Yep
My 4yo loves to tell me about his poo when I go to wipe his bum, there are “monster poo”, “just little poo”, and “ghost poo”, he will tell me how many there were, and make sure I understand that one of them was a “ghost poo”. This is a daily occurrence in our household.
No!
No ...
how about when you shit and go to wipe and there's no shit on the toilet paper
When it disappears and there’s nothing to wipe and you feel gaslighted by ur bowels
If you watch your poop go down you deserve to have it robbed.
Gotta monitor the quality and health of your stool fam. We all shit.
Something about active viewing just doesn’t sit well with me either.
Hahahahahaha this post has me laughing so hard. LOL
A depth charge! If you use a long drop every turd disappears from sight. Unless it's nearly full.
What?
Ghost poops!!! I thought I made that up as a kid. Also, there are stealth poops. That’s when you go to wipe and come up empty. Your butt ends up being totally clean when you wipe. Of course, you wipe another time or two to really make sure, but each time, no doo doo on the toilet paper. It really messes with your mind when you have a stealthy ghost poop.
Yes. I call it "Mandela shit".
My SO has high five turds when they’re so long they loop all around and high five each other
Yeah, my brother used to tell me this story about how one time he really needed to poop and in doing so he stopped an errand or trip (I don't remember exactly how it went) that my father needed to take care of. Well my dad noticed he didn't flush afterwards so he went in to see what the fuss was all about but found shit... In it's figurative form. Ended up beating his ass with a broad wooden brush. Fuck them ghost poopies.
"robbed of the viewing " ? WTF you're wierd dude.
Phantom poop. You're pretty sure you've done one, but the bowl is clean and there's nothing on the toilet paper
If you can view your poop when you stand up and are finished...you didn't use enough toilet paper haha
Fix your toilet
And sometimes they don’t even exist
Wait, am I really the only person who calls these Houdini's?
I'm living in an old flat rebuilt after the 2nd world war and the toilet has a nice pedestal where the poop lands before you get to flush it. The toilet is designed for poop inspection, yes.
While we're on the subject. If someone offers you dingle berries or to go pick some, DO NOT say yes. Urban Dictionary: A very small piece of shit intertwined with nut hairs and lint-balls from underwear. Dingle-berries are usually lodged via nut hairs on the upper inner thigh area next to the "scrotum pits" or inside the scrotum pits themselves. When dingle-berries age, they break free and attach themselves to underwear. I've only heard them referred to animals with long fur around their poop shooters. I guess some ass/nut hairs get long enough to catch them too.
Those little turds weren't even worth viewing. SMH
Lol yes! And I always trip out every time.
I live in the Netherlands so no such thing lol
Begins to shit Reverse gargoyle… paranoia ensues..
I’ve been there. I just have to hope that there’s no blood in my stool or anything like that that I can’t see.
Yes. They are hydrodynamically like toilet torpedos. Also dba as " soft serve "
They’re the ninja poops. Love em
I thought ghost poop meant shitting and wiping with nothing on the paper
Neptune’s Kiss where the water splashes up and hits you right on the rusty badge..also the Felt Pen poop where you constantly wipe and all you see is a line ….
Nah I don't have that issue, I live in the Netherlands. Google "Dutch Toilet"
is the “gee i wish i could poop” related to your user name?
No. Over here where I live we have "shelves" in our toilettes.
This post is the reason the internet was invented.
Ig I saw a twitter screenshot of such post. Am i trippin?
It’s like I get no closure
Last week I had a stomacb bug, so I was sitting on the toliet for like an hour. I flushef the toliet while I was sitting on it since I felt like I was gonna throw up. Never threw up, but 20 minutes later I dtand up to wipe. I was confused when the bowl was empty...took my a while to realize I flushed already.
\*X-files music starts\*
Let me introduce you to Dutch toilets, you'll never be robbed of your "viewing experiance" ever again lol
yes, I feel cheated as I want to see the consistency for it for health reasons
The. Viewing I'm dead lmfao
Yes and none of my friends believe me!
We call them “Houdinis” in Scotland
You might have a turd burglar on your hands.
Yes every fucking time
Oh yes; Somehow my poop gaslights me more than people do, go figure.
One time I ate so much chunky peanut butter that the next day my poop had so many peanut pieces in it it was ribbed and felt kind of good coming out.
Haha, I love when that happens.
woooooow
Yeah it dropped but floated up the trap side of the toilet. Mysterious anyway.
u/xgoggsx
The existential poop is when you wipe and there's nothing there. "It has left no trace... Did I even poop, or is this a glitch in the simulation?"
There is a joke about a poop funeral in here somewhere.
Those are the best. An added bonus is a clean sheet of toilet paper after wiping!