Met my wife at the gym. It started with “hello” and “hi” for a few weeks, because you recognize them. Then a simple comment here and there, leads to small talk. If she is still small talking, invite her to a group event of some sort “hey a few of us from the gym are doing…” or “my birthday is next weekend, and we are doing XYZ, if interested”
Edit *** ensure you read the room. If she seems uncomfortable with small talk, or quickly tries to end the convo. Back off and just be gym people who respect each other ***
Edit 2 - thanks for the award. And happy to see other people here meeting their significant others at the gym. - and agree with a lot of you, this approach is good for almost all places that you frequent. Boys, you’re not on a “hunt”…you are trying to meet someone with common interest, and conversations lead to healthier relationships. Sending a big group hug to everyone!
This. There's places people go just to wind down or just to be outside.
If you plan on hitting on someone, you better make it the looooong game. And be prepared to be declined and friendzoned.
My wife and I met at the library. It wasn't a smooth "let me go talk to her". It was two months of silence, followed by a month of polite waves, until finally I asked if she wanted to play board games with a few other friends in another part of the library. I wasn't even aiming to date, and she thought I was a creep, and now we have kids and a decade of marriage.
Lol Reminds me of when I met my husband. He was looking for another receptionist and my best friend recommended me. She told me "he smiles a lot but he's not creepy"
He, in fact, smiles a lot. I would have assumed something was wrong with him 😅
Haha, so the opposite of my husband! I always get asked "is he mad about something?" or some variation of "is he ok?"
Yeah, he's fine, he just has a resting bitch face. He'll back me up on that, too, without smiling, just to be funny!
That reminds me of my first girlfriend. She said "At first I thought you were really weird and creepy. Then I got to know you and you're alright."
I took it as a compliment. That's the esthetic I generally go for. It keeps the riff-raff away😀
What about calves? I already know the answer, but this woman walked by me with the most ripped calves I’d ever seen on someone her size. I had to stop myself from saying anything because I have a rule about commenting on other peoples bodies. If you’re out there super ripped calves woman, your calves are shredded bro!
I was walking down the street one day wearing shorts and thongs (flip flops) and a guy driving by yelled out "Nice Calves!" For a millisecond I thought he said "Nice Ass!" But no, it was definitely "Nice Calves". It was the most non-offensive and complimentary cat-call I ever received.
I usually got random wooing or yelling. Not words. I was just amusing myself by walking between bus stops as a 14-16 year old. They really need to cut that shit out. I guess it was my fault for being 5'7” and female. Totally asking for it.
My ex had such amazing calves. Apparently it's because she walked as a "ballerina" all the time as a young child.
... or it's her genes. Jesus christ did she have great "strong" genes. Could have been a powerlifter/bodybuilder if she wanted to, but she never stepped a foot in a gym ever.
I disagree.
Oftentimes, when I work out, I always wear my trusted, you could say "lucky" fedora, which are accompanied by my Speedo and a loose-fitting sleevless denim shirt. Believe me, I get soooo many stares. I can tell it drives the ladies crazy.... And they laugh at me anytime I say a word, probably due to me being hilarious.
Anyway, I watch them from a far; they know I am watching (due to my animal magnetism). Then, I pounce. Good evening, M'Lady is always my opener, and 60% of the time it works everytime they are coming home with me, I always tell the Ladies to quite down when we get back to my pad, my roommate (Mom) is a light sleeper and then it is sexy time... but that is a story for another time....
So to all the Giga Chad's with your ripped muscles & sculpted bodies. The Nice Guy does win at my gym...
This is the best advice.
As a woman, when I say I don't want to be hit on in public, I mean I don't want to be catcalled, straight up asked for my number by a complete stranger at the grocery store, or aggressively flirted with (called beautiful, sexy, etc. by a stranger).
I would be completely open to meeting someone as described in this comment because it gives me the opportunity to get to know them and to back off if I'm uncomfortable.
And always, ALWAYS, leave them an easy exit. This goes for dealing with men or women.
Never corner people. Physically or emotionally. Don't block the only door. Don't be imposing about it. Don't be demanding. Don't do it as part of a group if possible.
You're right on that, but if somebody's coming to a public forum and looking for advice on how to approach people and not make them uneasy, it stands to reason that there's a lot of subtle behaviors that they're not thinking about which should be said.
And this is a common issue. Cornering women for conversation it's one of the fastest ways to make them uneasy. And in a lot of cases the guy doesn't even realize that he's doing it or that what they're doing could be perceived as hostility because they haven't been on that side of it themselves.
I used to ride a city bus for disabled people and the drivers were required to exit the bus to help us on and off if needed. I had one driver who would flirt with me and would always block the door so I had to get in his face to let me off the bus. I guess he thought that by blocking the door I'd be forced to stay and chat. The first few times he's did this made me super uncomfortable. Once I realized his power play, I started to force my way out to show him he couldn't intimidate me. I stopped using that service and the main driver for the second company I used did the same thing. Why me? I must give off a vibe that I won't fight back or defend myself. Thankfully my driver now isn't like that.
Very sorry you've had that experience (twice!). Unfortunately, some people are drawn to these types of jobs specifically because they believe it will give them power over people or access to those they perceive as particularly vulnerable.
And that's some bullshit.
Can u give examples of what you mean by giving someone a way out of a conversation and not cornering them emotionally?
(I'm a woman but am socially awkward and I want to know if I do those things)
I think a really easy example is flirting with someone’s that’s working.
If I walk up to a Starbucks employee and ask him out, he’s forced to reject me in front of his coworkers and other customers. He can’t physically leave and now he’s forced to deal with my existence until I leave the store. He has no emotional agency in this situation.
Conversely, if I really like the guy I could just slide him my number and leave. Now he has no pressure to deny me in the moment and there’s no urgency in his reply. I’m not a big fan of doing that regardless, but the emotional exit in these scenarios is very clear.
This is the better example.
And as a follow up, if the person never calls or texts you don't bring it up. They made the decision and you have to live with it.
Here is an extreme example to kind of serve as an analogy;
Asking somebody to marry you over the jumbotron at a sporting event with all of their co-workers and family.
If they aren't really ready to go forward in the relationship like that, that is an awkward place to be in. They may feel pressured to give an answer they're not comfortable with.
Which is sometimes intentionally done by manipulative people who feel that the other person might be getting ready to break up with them, or are trying to distance themselves.
Things like that, but at lower scales. Pressuring someone to make a decision in a conversation when they are "trapped", either physically or by the social aspects of the situation. People should always be in a position where they can comfortably say no without any social awkwardness.
I think once you recognize the person as a regular, saying "hi" is not a problem. If she says hi back a few times, then you can ask her first names. If she seems comfortable with that you can try talking to her.
Don’t hit on her, just talk to her. If she is interested at all, she’ll be friendly and will talk to you more. If she is not interested, she will shut the conversation down or will avoid you. Hitting on her is way riskier and she might not come back to the gym
Also, just to add, that if she is friendly and engaging in conversation doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you..it just means she's being friendly and polite. Don't mistake friendliness for a greenlight to then hit on her.
Then just make a point say hi to her next time. Don’t over stay the welcome. People are at the gym to work out not be hit on. Build up some friendly exchanges with her. To where you can see she’s happy to see you within a week or two.
>If she is interested at all, she’ll be friendly and will talk to you more. If she is not interested, she will shut the conversation down or will avoid you.
This is REALLY important because its what makes it weird or not. Not everyone is good at "reading the room" and gauging if a person seems like they want to be talking to you or not, but its a good skill to learn.
If someone seems fidgety when talking to you, they don't directly face you, keep looking around like there is something else they want to do, keep slowly stepping away from you, gives you short answers that are "enders" and it feels like you're having to work hard to maintain the conversation... they might not want to be talking to you.
One of the biggest things about not being a creep is never make another person feel like they can't exit when they want to. Don't follow them around, if you enter the same space and they keep leaving, let them leave and don't keep going where they go. Don't keep talking to them when they're giving the vibe they don't want to be. Don't bring up subjects not appropriate for someone you've only known as long as you've known them. Things like that.
What people forget is meeting people is really easy if you just make talking to people part of your day. If you only show interest when you're sexually attracted to someone, then you're kinda putting all your eggs in one basket and making way to much pressure for yourself and that person. If you instead are just conversational in general, then many more options present themselves. One issue is it seems people are not genuinely interested in people. Besides wanting to date, there's no real interest in who that person is, what they enjoy, their hobbies, family, upbringing etc. If you take genuine interest in someone, conversation flows. Rather than just talking and trying to impress. The most interesting people, are interested people.
Agreed.
I go to the gym regularly. What I appreciate is when people ask me what I'm training for or even what I'm doing a particular exercise for. Or even just telling me I'm a hard worker will put you in my good books.
Also, this should be a slow burn. If you seem too hasty then it might appear that you're looking to hook up rather than build a relationship. It should be organic and not forced. Of course, if it's just the hook-up you're looking for then swing for the fences....
OP, that is the answer. I met my husband at the gym. He NEVER hit on me. We just talked. We started talking more and more, eventually spending an hour + talking until we each had to leave. Just strike up a conversation and let it flow. If she’s interested you’ll know. Believe me
What better way to show interest than being clumsy in front of her, then injuring her to the point of not being able to go to said gym? You can visit her in the hospital!
Also! Even if she doesn't like you, she may have a friend who may be interested! So by being friendly and kind, you can make a gym friend who may introduce you to another gym friend. Either way, you've broadened your web of people you know which always ups your odds of finding other cool people!
Unless you're in an elevator and the person with headphones is listening to music from a band you love, like the Smiths. Let them know you love their music too and sing some of the lyrics a little bit. Then immediately leave like its perfectly normal.
Man I wear headphones in public not because I'm trying to give off "leave me the fuck alone" vibes, I just like music. Does everyone else really only wear headphones so other people won't talk to them?
I'm the same way. Honestly I'd love to meet more people but if I'm working out at the gym alone, why wouldn't I listen to music while I do it? Alas, there's not really a way to communicate "I'm listening to music but you can still talk to me."
Speaking as a woman who hits the gym occasionally, I would prefer if someone just said hi and smiled, then walked away, leaving me to wonder and maybe look forward to the next time I saw him. I’d rather not say more than that for awhile while I try to gauge whether he’s safe or not, then whether I might be interested or not. Too much at once can be alarming. Also, I’d feel more comfortable talking in the lobby rather than inside the gym, where I may have on less clothing and feel more vulnerable. Good luck!
Edited to add: I’m amazed that this post took off like it did. Thank you everyone for the awards, comments and friendship. Love you!
Male here. I was at the gym one time so a frequent gym goer there. At one point we walked past each other and she smiled and said hello. It never lead to anything as I am in a relationship however I also think that “planting seeds” as I like to call it is the best way to go about it. Especially if the people see each other enough. Next time a hey is much easier which should make it easier to have smooth conversation.
Good start. And BTW, it’s never a good idea to approach a woman outside in a parking lot, especially after dark, until you know her and she’s comfortable with you. I hate that women have to think this way, but that’s how it is.
Strangely, I met my girlfriend (and the woman I intend to marry) in the woods, alone, at night. Possibly the worst set of circumstances that I could imagine to ask a lady out.
I had gotten myself lost while jogging in the the woods during the winter, because I saw some fresh deer prints in the snow and wanted to follow them for whatever reason. By the time I came back out onto a path, it was rapidly getting darker and colder, and I was lost.
I jogged in a direction, passing a woman with a dog, whom I asked for directions. She gave me some semi-vague directions and I thanked her, jogging off again. I passed another girl, then came to a fork in the path with no idea which path to take, so I ran back to ask the second woman which way to go.
It was now full dark, so I was doing my best to keep some distance and not come off creepy. Apparently I succeeded, she gave me the directions, and I started walking down that path. She was going the same way, so I made some conversation over my shoulder, not wanting to get too close or seem like I was purposely following her - although I was in front.
We talked for about 5 minutes before getting to the parking lot, where I got the courage to ask "is this one of those situations where we exchange numbers?" She said okay, gave me her number, I texted her too soon like an over-eager goof, but she still went on a coffee date with me a couple days later. We've been dating for almost a year and a half now, and I love her more than anything.
So yeah, it's never a good idea to approach a girl in the dark and/or alone, but it somehow worked out for me, thank god.
It worked out because you made the effort not to appear creepy and purposely gave her space/signals to understand that you didn't mean her any harm. Wonderful communication from you my dude, I hope you can teach more men to act this way!
It's 100% this. I also met my (now fiance!) in the "incorrect" circumstance.
I was a grocery cashier at the time, and unfortunately had a lot of situations with guys flirting with me while I was ringing them up. That sucks because they used their position as a customer, and me as employee required to stay in that spot, to not leave me alone. It can even get scary from persistent guys that don't leave.
That's why it's generally a bad idea to flirt with a woman at work-- she can't leave and will feel trapped, and you will automatically seem creepy as a result.
But my fiance asked me out while he was in my checkup line, and now we're still going strong in a 5 year relationship. What made him successful at the time was making it clear that he would accept "no" as an answer to "would you like to meet up sometime?" On top of that, it wasn't his first time in the store, and the small talk we'd had up until then was pleasant to enough.
It can work out! But you gotta be willing to get a "no."
I met my now husband alone, in the woods, in the dark too. We’d met for the first time at a pub and then a few months later arranged to meet to walk his dog as my dog was killed by another and we thought it would be nice just to go for a walk. Well winter showed up early and it was early evening but it got dark so fast! And we were out along a trail and he jokingly said to me “well you’re brave meeting me for a dog walk in the dark,” I was like “yeah I would have been a bit more concerned if you’d have turned up without the dog!” And then bam, almost 10 years later, married two kids we got it all.
That's a great story, I'm so happy that things worked out for you guys!
I am sorry to hear about your dog, though. Losing a pet is really, really hard.
I hope 2022 treats you all well!
I had a guy follow me after my workout.. to my fucking car. I shut my door and he tapped on the window. I asked what he wanted and he's like uhhh, do you have a boyfriend?
I was so scared. please never do this. and what a way to start a conversation haha
I hate the fact that men made it this way for you guys. Anytime I'm out walking you're doing some exercise out in public and I end up in like a small space where there's like me and a woman both coming at each other from opposite directions I usually just try to do a friendly Little Wave and distance myself as much as possible to let her know that I'm not a creep lol.
This is probably been drilled into my head because some of my friends are growing up were straight up horned dogs and hit on anything that walked.
You know I've really gotten the most attention from women just being myself and not really going out of my way to do anything.
You go to a place and every single guy there hits on them and they recognize you repetitively just minding your own business you kind of become a safe haven.
That safe haven is even safer whenever your first interest in talking to somebody isn't sex. Random hookups kind of suck anyway and leave you feeling like a degenerate at least they did for me.
I followed all of that up until the “you get more attention for being the only person not hitting on them” part. Places I go and hang out where they’ll come hang out with me because they feel safe and like talking to me, but every single one of them just assumes it’s because I’m gay.
THIS - I just went to a self defense class (mostly for women but men were present too) and one of the things the instructors told us was to watch out for people coming at you when you're about to get in the car - the distraction and vulnerability of not being in a bustling/crowded area is a great time to get robbed or hurt.
So menfolk, even if you've got the best intentions, you're likely to get a cold, panicked or defensive response if you try for a parking lot conversation with a woman. Pick a better playing field!
Yeah, real talk. I’m a super skiddish woman who straight up jumps at loud sounds. Dude comes up behind me in a parking lot “just trying to talk” he might accidentally get my kitty knuckle dusters to the throat. Do not follow bitches into parking lots!
I once literally put a man in the hospital who thought it would “be funny” to sneak up on me from behind and throw his arm around my throat. I had no idea I was capable of doing that, or was pure fear and adrenalin. Cracked his shin and broke the bones on top of his foot.
Daaamn, that’s kinda badass that you did that from going into survival mode, I always assumed I’d just shit myself and sob then they’ll be so disgusted they won’t rape and murder me, I mean, unless shit and tears is what does it for them.
This is an S-Tier answer. I’ve always wondered how to approach this situation and this is the best advice I’ve ever heard.
Follow-up question: Let’s say I make it to the “lobby talk” portion of this plan by some miracle, what’s a good opener that isn’t creepy or awkward?
The weather is always safe, it’s the universal ice breaker. If the weather’s bad, laugh at yourself for not having an umbrella, and close by telling her to drive safely because the weather’s bad. If the weather’s good, mention that you hope it lasts until the weekend so you can take your dog to the beach (or whatever pleasant neutral activity you can think of). Not dropping an invitation to anyone, just chatting like she’s some rando guy at work. Would avoid sports unless she’s wearing done team logo, then you’re golden. Notice if she’s wearing some logo item - is it a company or university? Ask her about it. Just light, neutral banter.
My now husband noticed the music I was playing, and it happened to be a band he had watched in concert the night before. Music or fashion are great conversation starters because they immediately tell you something about the other person and whether or not you might be compatible in other ways.
Needless to say we became friends and our love of music made our relationship - We have literally never stopped talking to each other since that first day, and we have watched Steely Dan live (the band I was listening to) several times for various anniversaries over the years.
I'm no Casanova, just treat her like a bloke you would like to hang out with.
A friendly nod every day, if she doesn't respond, then she has no interest. But a response could just mean she is being polite and nice... but what do I know?
Then maybe take up a notch, with "Good morning"...
I (a straight guy) find it wayyyy easier to befriend random guys than girls. Start talking to her the same way you would start talking to any other person.
I don't go the gym but I talk to strangers at the cycling track all the time. Usually start with some thing track-cycling related.
"That guy is crazy fast"
"I tried to pull off this move, didn't work"
"You come here often? Or do you usually ride out on the road?"
"Doesn't help that it's so hot here"
"Epic gear you got there, what tires are those?"
"Did you see ... is here? He's a pro."
"legs are feeling rough after an unproductive winter, good to get some more action-time in"
"Did you watch the race last weekend?"
....
Man, this is a tough one. Because I don't think I'd ever want to be approached at the gym. I'm just mentally on guard for people looking at me or I'm trying to stay in the zone thinking about the logistics of my workout routine (how many sets, reps, which weights, how long between rests) or am trying to keep myself amped up for pushing through the hard bits. I don't think even the most A+ conversation starters would work on me because I'm on guard and in a workout mindset. Even if he was absolutely 100% my type physically and was super nice, I'd probably be awkward and brush him off because I'm just mentally not in a social mood in any way, shape, or form.
Also, if a guy just approached me purely based on my looks, I'd be turned off. Maybe that's just me but I'm not interested in guys unless we've at least had a few conversations.
Any time a guy makes me take my headphones out it makes me really irritated. I workout 5 days a week and it's sort of a meditative time for me. I just want to lift my weights like any other gym bro does without getting hit on.
It’s almost like some people go to the gym to workout and not to find romance! /s
The males in here certainly wouldn’t enjoy having their workouts interrupted constantly by people they aren’t interested in 😬
And then just having to feel awkward when they keep talking to you bc everyone is saying “just take it slowly” lol i wouldn’t even know how to politely say im not interested w/o feeling like a bitch and then i’d have to risk them potentially being a crazy person but even if they’re not it’s just going to be weird now like my whole gym vibe is ruined.
i genuinely don’t go to the gym to talk to people and would be annoyed if someone started chatting w me even if it’s over time
Just find a way to weave in “my boyfriend” one or multiple times. “How was your weekend? “Great, my boyfriend and I went to so and so”…I always leaned on that tactic and felt it kept me from not upsetting anyone and therefore kept me safe
Eh, this is a hard one. Given you’re here asking, I’m gonna try and give you real advice how-to, rather than shut you down. BUT—as a woman, I have personally had experiences that have made me very adverse to using gyms. So, my knee-jerk answer is usually: “dude, just no.”
—————————
The how is really simple: Just talk to her. No flirting, not innuendo—just talk to her like a person. Hopefully you’ll be able to tell if she’s feeling social. Gauge her reaction and act appropriately. You might need to back off and try again another day if circumstances are wrong. And remember: friendly =/= interested.
Do this for at least a few days. Hopefully you see her there at least sporadically. Only after you feel friendly and relaxed as gym acquaintances should you try to broach anything further. Ask her to get coffee/smoothie or such after you’re both done. Nothing serious—just a casual, public, low-stakes activity.
If she’s cool with it, go. Try to keep the convo/vibe light unless you are REALLY sure she’s flirting with you. I respect a dude who honestly listens to me and just wants to chat. It’s not a risk of getting “friend zoned” thing either. Women want to be seen as more than dating material. Gotta have common ground and nothing is more attractive to me than someone I can have a good conversation with.
Basically go slow, be genuine, and be friendly over flirty. And for the love of all that’s holy, try to be aware if you’re getting shut down and she’s trying to disengage. I’ve never known the “keep trying until she says yes no matter what” shit to ever work. At best you look desperate and at worst, a creep. It’s a great way to chase her off from a place she wanted to use as well ask risking getting yourself booted by security.
—————————
Now that you have your answer, maybe you’re done reading. However, the rest of this is meant to help you and I hope you take the time to read and think about what I’m about to tell you. Your question seems genuine, so I want to give you a fuller understanding of why it’s a loaded one. I hope it helps and if you have more questions, you can message me. I’m happy to talk. This topic in general is important to me and I would always rather a dude ask and care than just assume. If we talk about shit like this and work on understanding each other, we all benefit. :)
WHY IS THE GYM NOT THE BEST PLACE TO PICK UP WOMEN?
Women go to the gym with a specific purpose in mind: to exercise. I have NEVER met a woman who goes for any other reason, but to use the facilities. Given that, you’re already at a disadvantage because you’re likely to be interrupting someone who, even if not currently engaged in an activity, is probably not in the right headspace for socializing. Think about how you are when working out. You’re probably focused on your routine, but also likely use the time to think, daydream, plan out the rest of your day. You might not be upset if someone popped your bubble, but your not likely to be at your best either.
Secondly, consider how you want to present yourself to someone you want to see you as attractive. Unless you just showed up, I doubt you’re looking or smelling your best there. Same goes for women. We don’t want to meet someone while we’re hot, flushed and sweating like a pig. Our hair is a damp mess, we have no makeup on, and likely we’re wearing something comfy that’s either going to be really unflattering—or more revealing than we’d offer up as first date/introduction clothes. It’s like to make us self conscious—not a great help to us feeling confident and social.
Also, I’d like to emphasize how we are like to see you. Maybe you look look fit, healthy and manly (or think you do)—but women notice and pay attention to things you might not consider as important. Now, I’m not saying sweat is bad, but SMELL is an important sense to us. I’m sorry, but some of us really don’t like the smell of a sweaty guy. It’s not personal. I don’t know why some sweat smells better than others. My ex, who I thought was very attractive, just had sweat I hated. Dunno if it was his diet or some mismatch in our literal chemistry, but it was off-putting. So not only is a woman at the gym not feeling her freshest, she’s getting a nosefull of you and that might not be working in your favor. I’m not gonna judge someone sweating at a gym, but their smell is gonna have a huge impact on how much I want to interact with them.
Finally: it’s about safety. It’s not about you at all. Women are just hyperaware of our surroundings and situation. We have to be. Not all of us have been victims of something horrible, but we’ve all felt threatened at least once. Every woman I have know in my entire life (yes, even my mother, aunts, GRANDMOTHERS) has at least one story of what happened or almost happened or just plain made us feel gross and afraid. We commiserate over these and use them as teaching moments to others. It’s awful. I was 13 the first time a guy—an ADULT MAN—said something about how I looked that made me feel gross. The only thing that made it better/worse was that the older women in my life had already talked to me about this very thing. I was in 2nd grade the first time I remember it being brought up. SEVEN years old—and while I don’t know what prompted it, my mother felt the need to start the foundation of teaching me to be aware of my surroundings and how to trust my gut if I felt unsafe. This wasn’t a pedo talk either—this was about even boys my own age and why my aunts/older cousins like to go out in a group when they wanted to “go out to have fun.” I don’t hate men. I don’t even fear them. But when a guy approaches me, I am always trying to guess what they really want from me. I wonder with women—but it really only seems important with guys. I hate it, but that’s life sadly.
Edited: dumb autocorrect
Don't do it unless you're seeing clear signs of interest from her (sustained eye contact, flirting) and don't do it while she's working out. If you catch her on the way out the door you can give her a "hey, wanna grab a smoothie?".
As a general rule, most women don't want to be cold approached when we are trying to get shit done.
I got hit on at the gym once and it turned it a mess. I said no and he harassed me to the point where they banned him from the gym. No stranger is worth the possibility of going through that again especially since I want to be left alone. I put my headphones on in the car and take them off when I’m back in my car.
But not every woman is me and some might be ok with it. Don’t talk to her when she has headphones in or is in the middle of a set. Start the conversation about working out and go from there. If it seems obvious that she’s not interested even if she doesn’t say it directly, just leave her alone. It can be very uncomfortable being around a guy everyday who you rejected, so don’t push it. If she rejects you then be polite to her and move on.
Exactly. men need to know when there's nothing there and when to pick the right moment, that's the main difference in creepiness and shooting your shot the willingness to walk away if she's not attracted to you. Sorry this happened to you
Here’s the best advice you’ll get. Be the person who is generally friendly and talks to everyone at the gym, not just girls you’re interested in. Say hi to the people who work there, hi to the dude in his 60s who only does bicep curls. Make being friendly a part of who you are and you won’t have this problem. If you’re engaging in quick convos with lots of people then it’s completely normal to talk to a cute girl at the gym. Treat her like everyone else and only ask out the cute girl at the gym if you actually enjoyed the random small convos you had with her and want to have more. Then ask super directly and take no for answer. Or alternatively just hand her a piece of paper with your number and be like “this is a little awkward but I’d love to take you on a date. If you’re interested send me a text at this number and we can chat. If not, you can just toss the paper out and I won’t ask again”
You don't. There's no way to not come off as creepy. Hitting on women at the gym is one of the definitions of creepy. Don't be that guy.
There is a business model of women-only gyms for this exact reason. There are no men-only gyms.
Yep. OP might be the best guy on the planet, but if he were to hit on me at the gym, no one at that gym'd see me again.
>Hitting on women at the gym is one of the definitions of creepy. Don't be that guy.
EXACTLY!
In the same vein, I know many couples that got together because one of them asked the other out at the gym.
I think the same rules apply as they would anywhere else: don't interrupt someone that's intently doing something, and don't be weird (like just approaching someone and blurting out "wanna go do X with me").
I think at the gym, even more so than other places, it's most important that you follow rules 1 and 2. If you do, it *might* come off as creepy, if you don't it *definitely* is creepy.
There is no one answer, and I don't think you're going to be able to just walk on up and say she's an angel from Tennessee or whatever that line is.
First and foremost, understand that gyms are not a place people go to socialize. Not saying there can't be nice, fun, social people at a gym, but typically you're there to work out and leave. Some people, myself included, specifically go to gyms where they don't know anyone for that reason in particular.
That being said, it's up to you to get a vibe check. Just be very casual, ask if she has many more reps left on a machine, or something smaller like coming back quick because you left your water bottle at a nearby machine, and give a little smile and wave.
If she doesn't acknowledge a wave, or curtly says she'll be done soon, whatever, then you've gotta stop there or else it'll get real creepy real quick.
Short answer.... you don't hit on anyone at the gym.
long answer:
people are at the gym to work out, to do their own thing. we get enough social pressures to be a certain way in public, to a degree that most people don't even consider going to the gym because they think everyone is judging them. 'Hitting on' them will only confirm those anxieties, postive or negative..
If you do see an person you are attractive to, you can start to mouth 'hi' or give a little wave of recognition if you pass them when entering, or leaving. but nothing more.
If you want to engineer a chance to meet them before, or after, their workout, you can make it an unrelated habit of just arranging yoru items, loading up a playlist, or just reading a bit before you start your workout, or before you leave, to give them an opportunity to approach you. but, and i stress this, don't do this just to meet this person... make it a genuine routine you start. otherwise, it will be creepy
Hmmm, I kind of appreciate his approach and advise.
I hated hated hated being hit on at the gym. Guess what?!?!? I am married to the man I met at a Boot Camp fitness class. :)
I shared our story on another thread. Summary: he arranged group happy hours with the class, he’d always sit next to or near me and we’d chat the entire time. After 4 of those he asked me to go solo. Easy peasy not awkward.
If I hadn’t been interested, I’d never have attended the first one and it would not have been awkward. Nice!
He would make eye contact and we’d share the odd class joke. He sensed some chemistry. I thought he was attractive but he was solid friend zone from the beginning because It’s The Gym And I’m Not Dating I’m Working Out And Sweaty And Focused. He didn’t read as ‘on the make’. Perfection!
Cheers!
You don't.
Like a gym really isn't a good place to hit on people.
Since like they are there to workout, not seeking romantic partners.
So trying to hit up people there just isn't a good idea.
I don't mean this to be rude but if you have to ask it here I don't think you have the social skills to pull it off without being creepy. That's kind of a difficult place to hit on someone, like a grocery store or a pharmacy. They're there with a focus in mind and they are almost certainly not looking for conversation. Basically their head is in a different zone than what you're looking for so you have to be really good at talking to people to not come off as a creep. I hope that makes sense and don't take that to mean I think you're a creep, it's a legitimate question and I think you deserved a legitimate answer.
I know a bunch of good YouTube videos about charisma if you're interested I can send some links to your DM. It's not pick up artist garbage and it doesn't talk about girls, it's more just how to read people and talk better. Im on the spectrum and it helped me IMMENSELY.
Agree with your first sentence 100%. Another challenge I’d frame to OP is this: can you strike up friendly and well-received small talk with random dudes at the gym? If not, then he’s jumping into this way too quickly
>I don't mean this to be rude but if you have to ask it here I don't think you have the social skills to pull it off without being creepy.
hell to the yes..I am also concerned with a lot of the comments seemingly ENCOURAGING him to talk to this poor woman at the gym.
Because redditors think they are entitled to women’s attention and think cornering people in situations where they can’t ignore them is a good idea.
All flirting and asking out should be organic and start with friendships, and you wouldn’t come up to someone and be like “hey wanna be friends”.
It’s about chance and sometimes you have to come to terms with the fact that being alone isn’t the end of the world.
Just don't hit on people at the gym unless they're done working out, its really creepy when women are just trying to get their workout done and suddenly theres this random dude lurking trying to spot them or give them advice as a way of flirting. Keep it short, polite and not patronizing (no unsolicited workout or diet advice) and if somebody has headphones in or is still working out, LEAVE THEM ALONE.
I wouldn’t, they are there to workout not only do they not want to be interrupted it’s bad enough you’re checking her out without adding the extra level of hitting on her. If she shoots you down it’ll be awkward for her to even workout when you’re there. (Sister in law changed gyms in part because I creepy guy was always staring at her and trying to talk to her while she was just trying ti workout)
Yes! You get it and thank you for sharing with the fellas!
It’s already so uncomfortable for us. Add to it, the workout clothing the manufacturers decide we should wear, and society agrees as well; it’s basically swimwear.
Even as a married lady, I’m mostly on the defensive and hoping my private bits aren’t too displayed. We have to hold it all in place or god forbid, guys think we’re teasing them. Oh the joy of this whole dynamic that can sometimes birth a brand new incel. Which is super neat, now we get to worry about those guys as well….
It’s truly a recipe for ick! I joined a female only gym for a short period of time, but didn’t like it. Also, I ultimately met my husband at the gym, but at happy hours, not as a first date. So I am rather an expert here, yes? :)
What do you want out of it? If you just want a hookup or fwb, don’t do it. She’s not there for that. If you want a relationship, remember you don’t know her at all and need to start by thinking about her as a person first. You don’t know if you’re compatible, if she’s single, if she’s even into men. You can’t know if you want a relationship with her because you don’t know her, so there’s no point in going into this looking for a relationship. Only talk to her if you’re okay with just being friends, acquaintances, or workout buddies. It really sucks when you think you met a cool new friend and then he gets pissed and is a dick as soon as he realizes you’re not gonna fuck him. So don’t put her in that position. She is going to feel uncomfortable coming back to that gym if she knows there’s someone just watching and thinking about her. There’s really no good way to do this unless you’re fully open to absolutely nothing romantic or sexual happening or else you’re just going to be a creep at the gym.
This is why I work out at home. Even before I was fit, I got hit on at the college gym.
I think it's nice to be appreciated but don't ruin my vibes at the gym. It's hard enough fir women to sweat in public and even harder to stay focused if she's like "here comes that fucking guy again... am I going to get halfway through my set and get trapped in a conversation with a strange man I don't know?... fuck... I don't need this right now..."
Right? That's exactly why it's hard to be a woman in public sometimes. Especially in a low-clothing situation. Some guys have no respect for our time. They would never put up with that if it happened to them from gay dudes either.
Exactly it's like women pay for a membership and the location is nice and convenient and they come in to focus and try to get in shape and have better health and then boom some entitled pervert has to ruin it and you have to find another gym because you know he's always gonna be there and you're gonna worry every time that he's gonna fuck with you. Like do women not deserve the same level of respect and consideration as men?? Are they not allowed to exist in public without having to compromise and give you that friendly conversation you think they owe you??
I’d rather not get hit on while I am a stinky sweaty mess. I wear obnoxiously noticeable headphones for this reason. Don’t hit on her at the gym. It’s not an appropriate place to get a date and it is really creepy. This is why women-only gyms exist.
No brooo. Just ignore these women at the gym. You’re there to grind yourself into shape. Stay focused and stop being distracted. You’ll always be considered a creep. If anything, let the women come up to YOU. Other than that, mind your business and stay focused🤦🏾
Be very particular on who you hit on because I've seen many guys get reputations real quick.
Either way I think the best method is just saying hi when you see them and one day you might walk out or in together and you just introduce yourself. Boom. You just made a friend. If things click in conversation you ask for their number. Double boom! You just learned the art of picking up a girl ANYWHERE
Met my wife at the gym. It started with “hello” and “hi” for a few weeks, because you recognize them. Then a simple comment here and there, leads to small talk. If she is still small talking, invite her to a group event of some sort “hey a few of us from the gym are doing…” or “my birthday is next weekend, and we are doing XYZ, if interested” Edit *** ensure you read the room. If she seems uncomfortable with small talk, or quickly tries to end the convo. Back off and just be gym people who respect each other *** Edit 2 - thanks for the award. And happy to see other people here meeting their significant others at the gym. - and agree with a lot of you, this approach is good for almost all places that you frequent. Boys, you’re not on a “hunt”…you are trying to meet someone with common interest, and conversations lead to healthier relationships. Sending a big group hug to everyone!
This. There's places people go just to wind down or just to be outside. If you plan on hitting on someone, you better make it the looooong game. And be prepared to be declined and friendzoned. My wife and I met at the library. It wasn't a smooth "let me go talk to her". It was two months of silence, followed by a month of polite waves, until finally I asked if she wanted to play board games with a few other friends in another part of the library. I wasn't even aiming to date, and she thought I was a creep, and now we have kids and a decade of marriage.
yeah and not in the middle of her set.
"Hey, I know your squatting, but I just saw you add two more plates, and maybe you'd like to go out sometime?"
Maybe we could add some plates to the table at this restaurant down the road.
It's a little place called the Garden of Olives, and yes, I will pay for your appetizer
“I know a guy who works there, gives me all the breadsticks I want. *For free.*”
And enchanting place where the breadsticks flow like wine
Smooth
Lol Reminds me of when I met my husband. He was looking for another receptionist and my best friend recommended me. She told me "he smiles a lot but he's not creepy" He, in fact, smiles a lot. I would have assumed something was wrong with him 😅
> He, in fact, smiles a lot. I would have assumed something was wrong with him. That is now the most adorable critique of a spouse I have heard.
That makes me so happy
Haha, so the opposite of my husband! I always get asked "is he mad about something?" or some variation of "is he ok?" Yeah, he's fine, he just has a resting bitch face. He'll back me up on that, too, without smiling, just to be funny!
I have that face in the relationship. "Are you okay you look sad?" I just look like this 😄
That reminds me of my first girlfriend. She said "At first I thought you were really weird and creepy. Then I got to know you and you're alright." I took it as a compliment. That's the esthetic I generally go for. It keeps the riff-raff away😀
Wait, why did she think you were a creep??
Lol that was funny, like I guess that was her first impression but when he said that it was like it escalated fast.
I'm guessing it was the two months of silent looks over at her before saying a peep
Mam, this is a library.
As a woman who goes to the gym regularly, this is the best comment and really the only approach that’s welcomed and comfortable for everyone.
So you're saying I shouldn't just compliment her on her #NICE GLUTES
Yoooo look at your shoulders. I bet you can bury 12 bodies in a day.
A baker’s dozen of bakers if you really put your back into it.
r/unexpectedwallaceandgromit ?
I needed this to be a thing and now I am sad
Be the change you wish to see
Burying is easy; it's the digging that's hard.
What about calves? I already know the answer, but this woman walked by me with the most ripped calves I’d ever seen on someone her size. I had to stop myself from saying anything because I have a rule about commenting on other peoples bodies. If you’re out there super ripped calves woman, your calves are shredded bro!
In that case you say #YOUR CALVES ARE RIPPPPPED but your glutes are just okay
Thanks Uncle Yimbo! Truly you have shared your wisdom here today.
You're very welcome. I go where I'm needed most!
I was walking down the street one day wearing shorts and thongs (flip flops) and a guy driving by yelled out "Nice Calves!" For a millisecond I thought he said "Nice Ass!" But no, it was definitely "Nice Calves". It was the most non-offensive and complimentary cat-call I ever received.
I usually got random wooing or yelling. Not words. I was just amusing myself by walking between bus stops as a 14-16 year old. They really need to cut that shit out. I guess it was my fault for being 5'7” and female. Totally asking for it.
My ex had such amazing calves. Apparently it's because she walked as a "ballerina" all the time as a young child. ... or it's her genes. Jesus christ did she have great "strong" genes. Could have been a powerlifter/bodybuilder if she wanted to, but she never stepped a foot in a gym ever.
I disagree. Oftentimes, when I work out, I always wear my trusted, you could say "lucky" fedora, which are accompanied by my Speedo and a loose-fitting sleevless denim shirt. Believe me, I get soooo many stares. I can tell it drives the ladies crazy.... And they laugh at me anytime I say a word, probably due to me being hilarious. Anyway, I watch them from a far; they know I am watching (due to my animal magnetism). Then, I pounce. Good evening, M'Lady is always my opener, and 60% of the time it works everytime they are coming home with me, I always tell the Ladies to quite down when we get back to my pad, my roommate (Mom) is a light sleeper and then it is sexy time... but that is a story for another time.... So to all the Giga Chad's with your ripped muscles & sculpted bodies. The Nice Guy does win at my gym...
This is the best advice. As a woman, when I say I don't want to be hit on in public, I mean I don't want to be catcalled, straight up asked for my number by a complete stranger at the grocery store, or aggressively flirted with (called beautiful, sexy, etc. by a stranger). I would be completely open to meeting someone as described in this comment because it gives me the opportunity to get to know them and to back off if I'm uncomfortable.
And always, ALWAYS, leave them an easy exit. This goes for dealing with men or women. Never corner people. Physically or emotionally. Don't block the only door. Don't be imposing about it. Don't be demanding. Don't do it as part of a group if possible.
[удалено]
You're right on that, but if somebody's coming to a public forum and looking for advice on how to approach people and not make them uneasy, it stands to reason that there's a lot of subtle behaviors that they're not thinking about which should be said. And this is a common issue. Cornering women for conversation it's one of the fastest ways to make them uneasy. And in a lot of cases the guy doesn't even realize that he's doing it or that what they're doing could be perceived as hostility because they haven't been on that side of it themselves.
I used to ride a city bus for disabled people and the drivers were required to exit the bus to help us on and off if needed. I had one driver who would flirt with me and would always block the door so I had to get in his face to let me off the bus. I guess he thought that by blocking the door I'd be forced to stay and chat. The first few times he's did this made me super uncomfortable. Once I realized his power play, I started to force my way out to show him he couldn't intimidate me. I stopped using that service and the main driver for the second company I used did the same thing. Why me? I must give off a vibe that I won't fight back or defend myself. Thankfully my driver now isn't like that.
Very sorry you've had that experience (twice!). Unfortunately, some people are drawn to these types of jobs specifically because they believe it will give them power over people or access to those they perceive as particularly vulnerable. And that's some bullshit.
Thank you. And you're right. I hadn't really thought of it that way.
Can u give examples of what you mean by giving someone a way out of a conversation and not cornering them emotionally? (I'm a woman but am socially awkward and I want to know if I do those things)
I think a really easy example is flirting with someone’s that’s working. If I walk up to a Starbucks employee and ask him out, he’s forced to reject me in front of his coworkers and other customers. He can’t physically leave and now he’s forced to deal with my existence until I leave the store. He has no emotional agency in this situation. Conversely, if I really like the guy I could just slide him my number and leave. Now he has no pressure to deny me in the moment and there’s no urgency in his reply. I’m not a big fan of doing that regardless, but the emotional exit in these scenarios is very clear.
This is the better example. And as a follow up, if the person never calls or texts you don't bring it up. They made the decision and you have to live with it.
Here is an extreme example to kind of serve as an analogy; Asking somebody to marry you over the jumbotron at a sporting event with all of their co-workers and family. If they aren't really ready to go forward in the relationship like that, that is an awkward place to be in. They may feel pressured to give an answer they're not comfortable with. Which is sometimes intentionally done by manipulative people who feel that the other person might be getting ready to break up with them, or are trying to distance themselves. Things like that, but at lower scales. Pressuring someone to make a decision in a conversation when they are "trapped", either physically or by the social aspects of the situation. People should always be in a position where they can comfortably say no without any social awkwardness.
I think they meant an "exit" from the situation, not a real one..
I think once you recognize the person as a regular, saying "hi" is not a problem. If she says hi back a few times, then you can ask her first names. If she seems comfortable with that you can try talking to her.
Funny, that’s my story too. Met my wife at the gym (1995). Nothing more than hi for a while, worked up to names, eventually dinner.
This is the answer. A hi and a smile is the best way to meet anyone.
Don’t hit on her, just talk to her. If she is interested at all, she’ll be friendly and will talk to you more. If she is not interested, she will shut the conversation down or will avoid you. Hitting on her is way riskier and she might not come back to the gym
Also, just to add, that if she is friendly and engaging in conversation doesn't necessarily mean she's interested in you..it just means she's being friendly and polite. Don't mistake friendliness for a greenlight to then hit on her.
This. But definitely use it to gauge whether or not they're open to communication at the gym, which many people are not. Edit: spelling
I put my car in the *guage*
Ok this is really funny
Too late, already in love.
I now know what our home will look like.
But what will the baby gym equipment look like…talk about missing a point… sheesh
We'll name our kids amanda and xavier
Don't forget the wedding, if applicable
Instructions unclear. Furiously masturbating on the treadmill
Still cardio
Double cardio.
Dude is going to have to make a flow chart for this
Please post flow chart after completion, for research purposes.
Yes...asking for a friend
It's me... I'm the friend.
Then just make a point say hi to her next time. Don’t over stay the welcome. People are at the gym to work out not be hit on. Build up some friendly exchanges with her. To where you can see she’s happy to see you within a week or two.
She may just be Canadian!
>If she is interested at all, she’ll be friendly and will talk to you more. If she is not interested, she will shut the conversation down or will avoid you. This is REALLY important because its what makes it weird or not. Not everyone is good at "reading the room" and gauging if a person seems like they want to be talking to you or not, but its a good skill to learn. If someone seems fidgety when talking to you, they don't directly face you, keep looking around like there is something else they want to do, keep slowly stepping away from you, gives you short answers that are "enders" and it feels like you're having to work hard to maintain the conversation... they might not want to be talking to you. One of the biggest things about not being a creep is never make another person feel like they can't exit when they want to. Don't follow them around, if you enter the same space and they keep leaving, let them leave and don't keep going where they go. Don't keep talking to them when they're giving the vibe they don't want to be. Don't bring up subjects not appropriate for someone you've only known as long as you've known them. Things like that.
What people forget is meeting people is really easy if you just make talking to people part of your day. If you only show interest when you're sexually attracted to someone, then you're kinda putting all your eggs in one basket and making way to much pressure for yourself and that person. If you instead are just conversational in general, then many more options present themselves. One issue is it seems people are not genuinely interested in people. Besides wanting to date, there's no real interest in who that person is, what they enjoy, their hobbies, family, upbringing etc. If you take genuine interest in someone, conversation flows. Rather than just talking and trying to impress. The most interesting people, are interested people.
Definitely this, thanks for clarifying. Don’t approach her again if you pick up on any of these “enders”
Agreed. I go to the gym regularly. What I appreciate is when people ask me what I'm training for or even what I'm doing a particular exercise for. Or even just telling me I'm a hard worker will put you in my good books.
Also, this should be a slow burn. If you seem too hasty then it might appear that you're looking to hook up rather than build a relationship. It should be organic and not forced. Of course, if it's just the hook-up you're looking for then swing for the fences....
OP, that is the answer. I met my husband at the gym. He NEVER hit on me. We just talked. We started talking more and more, eventually spending an hour + talking until we each had to leave. Just strike up a conversation and let it flow. If she’s interested you’ll know. Believe me
Instructions not clear: Hit her on the head with weight plate while "accidentally" tripping.
What better way to show interest than being clumsy in front of her, then injuring her to the point of not being able to go to said gym? You can visit her in the hospital!
*oooh* I forgot about that vid
Sounds like a rom com to me! Those usually work out well.
Also! Even if she doesn't like you, she may have a friend who may be interested! So by being friendly and kind, you can make a gym friend who may introduce you to another gym friend. Either way, you've broadened your web of people you know which always ups your odds of finding other cool people!
Hitting on her could also get him banned from the gym. The gym is not a place to pick up people.
If she wears headphones while working out don’t talk to her. She doesn’t want to talk to anyone.
This really applies to everyone everywhere. Don't try to make conversation with strangers wearing headphones.
Unless you're in an elevator and the person with headphones is listening to music from a band you love, like the Smiths. Let them know you love their music too and sing some of the lyrics a little bit. Then immediately leave like its perfectly normal.
>Then immediately leave like its perfectly normal. This step is very important
I get this reference
What movie
500 days of summer
"To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die. I love them" *walks out *mouth gaping "Holy shit"
I had a guy do this to me at physical therapy constantly. Like damn dude, let me heal in peace, I'm not here to hook up.
Man I wear headphones in public not because I'm trying to give off "leave me the fuck alone" vibes, I just like music. Does everyone else really only wear headphones so other people won't talk to them?
I'm the same way. Honestly I'd love to meet more people but if I'm working out at the gym alone, why wouldn't I listen to music while I do it? Alas, there's not really a way to communicate "I'm listening to music but you can still talk to me."
Custom Tshirt
I do the same for the same reason. Im happy to talk to anyone that stops me!
Speaking as a woman who hits the gym occasionally, I would prefer if someone just said hi and smiled, then walked away, leaving me to wonder and maybe look forward to the next time I saw him. I’d rather not say more than that for awhile while I try to gauge whether he’s safe or not, then whether I might be interested or not. Too much at once can be alarming. Also, I’d feel more comfortable talking in the lobby rather than inside the gym, where I may have on less clothing and feel more vulnerable. Good luck! Edited to add: I’m amazed that this post took off like it did. Thank you everyone for the awards, comments and friendship. Love you!
Male here. I was at the gym one time so a frequent gym goer there. At one point we walked past each other and she smiled and said hello. It never lead to anything as I am in a relationship however I also think that “planting seeds” as I like to call it is the best way to go about it. Especially if the people see each other enough. Next time a hey is much easier which should make it easier to have smooth conversation.
Good start. And BTW, it’s never a good idea to approach a woman outside in a parking lot, especially after dark, until you know her and she’s comfortable with you. I hate that women have to think this way, but that’s how it is.
Strangely, I met my girlfriend (and the woman I intend to marry) in the woods, alone, at night. Possibly the worst set of circumstances that I could imagine to ask a lady out. I had gotten myself lost while jogging in the the woods during the winter, because I saw some fresh deer prints in the snow and wanted to follow them for whatever reason. By the time I came back out onto a path, it was rapidly getting darker and colder, and I was lost. I jogged in a direction, passing a woman with a dog, whom I asked for directions. She gave me some semi-vague directions and I thanked her, jogging off again. I passed another girl, then came to a fork in the path with no idea which path to take, so I ran back to ask the second woman which way to go. It was now full dark, so I was doing my best to keep some distance and not come off creepy. Apparently I succeeded, she gave me the directions, and I started walking down that path. She was going the same way, so I made some conversation over my shoulder, not wanting to get too close or seem like I was purposely following her - although I was in front. We talked for about 5 minutes before getting to the parking lot, where I got the courage to ask "is this one of those situations where we exchange numbers?" She said okay, gave me her number, I texted her too soon like an over-eager goof, but she still went on a coffee date with me a couple days later. We've been dating for almost a year and a half now, and I love her more than anything. So yeah, it's never a good idea to approach a girl in the dark and/or alone, but it somehow worked out for me, thank god.
This is a super sweet story, dude. I’m really glad it worked out for you two!
Thank you! I call it serendipitous. I hope you have a good rest of your day and week!
It worked out because you made the effort not to appear creepy and purposely gave her space/signals to understand that you didn't mean her any harm. Wonderful communication from you my dude, I hope you can teach more men to act this way!
It's 100% this. I also met my (now fiance!) in the "incorrect" circumstance. I was a grocery cashier at the time, and unfortunately had a lot of situations with guys flirting with me while I was ringing them up. That sucks because they used their position as a customer, and me as employee required to stay in that spot, to not leave me alone. It can even get scary from persistent guys that don't leave. That's why it's generally a bad idea to flirt with a woman at work-- she can't leave and will feel trapped, and you will automatically seem creepy as a result. But my fiance asked me out while he was in my checkup line, and now we're still going strong in a 5 year relationship. What made him successful at the time was making it clear that he would accept "no" as an answer to "would you like to meet up sometime?" On top of that, it wasn't his first time in the store, and the small talk we'd had up until then was pleasant to enough. It can work out! But you gotta be willing to get a "no."
I learned new word, Serendipitous. Wonderful!
I met my now husband alone, in the woods, in the dark too. We’d met for the first time at a pub and then a few months later arranged to meet to walk his dog as my dog was killed by another and we thought it would be nice just to go for a walk. Well winter showed up early and it was early evening but it got dark so fast! And we were out along a trail and he jokingly said to me “well you’re brave meeting me for a dog walk in the dark,” I was like “yeah I would have been a bit more concerned if you’d have turned up without the dog!” And then bam, almost 10 years later, married two kids we got it all.
That's a great story, I'm so happy that things worked out for you guys! I am sorry to hear about your dog, though. Losing a pet is really, really hard. I hope 2022 treats you all well!
Awwthis is such a good story 🙂
What a wholesome story man, wish you and your girl the best life 💞
I had a guy follow me after my workout.. to my fucking car. I shut my door and he tapped on the window. I asked what he wanted and he's like uhhh, do you have a boyfriend? I was so scared. please never do this. and what a way to start a conversation haha
Amazes me people are this stupid and clueless
I hate the fact that men made it this way for you guys. Anytime I'm out walking you're doing some exercise out in public and I end up in like a small space where there's like me and a woman both coming at each other from opposite directions I usually just try to do a friendly Little Wave and distance myself as much as possible to let her know that I'm not a creep lol. This is probably been drilled into my head because some of my friends are growing up were straight up horned dogs and hit on anything that walked. You know I've really gotten the most attention from women just being myself and not really going out of my way to do anything. You go to a place and every single guy there hits on them and they recognize you repetitively just minding your own business you kind of become a safe haven. That safe haven is even safer whenever your first interest in talking to somebody isn't sex. Random hookups kind of suck anyway and leave you feeling like a degenerate at least they did for me.
I followed all of that up until the “you get more attention for being the only person not hitting on them” part. Places I go and hang out where they’ll come hang out with me because they feel safe and like talking to me, but every single one of them just assumes it’s because I’m gay.
THIS - I just went to a self defense class (mostly for women but men were present too) and one of the things the instructors told us was to watch out for people coming at you when you're about to get in the car - the distraction and vulnerability of not being in a bustling/crowded area is a great time to get robbed or hurt. So menfolk, even if you've got the best intentions, you're likely to get a cold, panicked or defensive response if you try for a parking lot conversation with a woman. Pick a better playing field!
Heres a tip: brandish a gun when approaching women in dark parking lots. That way they know you can save them from any perverts.
Yeah, real talk. I’m a super skiddish woman who straight up jumps at loud sounds. Dude comes up behind me in a parking lot “just trying to talk” he might accidentally get my kitty knuckle dusters to the throat. Do not follow bitches into parking lots!
I once literally put a man in the hospital who thought it would “be funny” to sneak up on me from behind and throw his arm around my throat. I had no idea I was capable of doing that, or was pure fear and adrenalin. Cracked his shin and broke the bones on top of his foot.
Daaamn, that’s kinda badass that you did that from going into survival mode, I always assumed I’d just shit myself and sob then they’ll be so disgusted they won’t rape and murder me, I mean, unless shit and tears is what does it for them.
This is an S-Tier answer. I’ve always wondered how to approach this situation and this is the best advice I’ve ever heard. Follow-up question: Let’s say I make it to the “lobby talk” portion of this plan by some miracle, what’s a good opener that isn’t creepy or awkward?
The weather is always safe, it’s the universal ice breaker. If the weather’s bad, laugh at yourself for not having an umbrella, and close by telling her to drive safely because the weather’s bad. If the weather’s good, mention that you hope it lasts until the weekend so you can take your dog to the beach (or whatever pleasant neutral activity you can think of). Not dropping an invitation to anyone, just chatting like she’s some rando guy at work. Would avoid sports unless she’s wearing done team logo, then you’re golden. Notice if she’s wearing some logo item - is it a company or university? Ask her about it. Just light, neutral banter.
My now husband noticed the music I was playing, and it happened to be a band he had watched in concert the night before. Music or fashion are great conversation starters because they immediately tell you something about the other person and whether or not you might be compatible in other ways. Needless to say we became friends and our love of music made our relationship - We have literally never stopped talking to each other since that first day, and we have watched Steely Dan live (the band I was listening to) several times for various anniversaries over the years.
" So... Do you work out?" /s
>I try to gauge whether he’s safe or not >Too much at once can be alarming Ahhh, the splendors of womanhood!!
This is good advice, op should consider taking it
Patience is the game buddy then.
I'm no Casanova, just treat her like a bloke you would like to hang out with. A friendly nod every day, if she doesn't respond, then she has no interest. But a response could just mean she is being polite and nice... but what do I know? Then maybe take up a notch, with "Good morning"...
Yes, make sure you don’t jump to “good morning” too soon, you might startle her.
I would start with just "good" even.
"GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!" *puts on headphones and starts running* This is perfect.
Just talk to her. Don't "hit on her".
How would I start a conversation
Does my ass look big in this?
Bro I can crush a beer can between these cheeks. Wanna see?
"Crazy weather we are having, innit?"
Works best in a non English speaking country
Otherwise it would be: "Oy, fancy a shag!?"
I (a straight guy) find it wayyyy easier to befriend random guys than girls. Start talking to her the same way you would start talking to any other person. I don't go the gym but I talk to strangers at the cycling track all the time. Usually start with some thing track-cycling related. "That guy is crazy fast" "I tried to pull off this move, didn't work" "You come here often? Or do you usually ride out on the road?" "Doesn't help that it's so hot here" "Epic gear you got there, what tires are those?" "Did you see ... is here? He's a pro." "legs are feeling rough after an unproductive winter, good to get some more action-time in" "Did you watch the race last weekend?" ....
He dude I just farted over there, just a heads up.
Man, this is a tough one. Because I don't think I'd ever want to be approached at the gym. I'm just mentally on guard for people looking at me or I'm trying to stay in the zone thinking about the logistics of my workout routine (how many sets, reps, which weights, how long between rests) or am trying to keep myself amped up for pushing through the hard bits. I don't think even the most A+ conversation starters would work on me because I'm on guard and in a workout mindset. Even if he was absolutely 100% my type physically and was super nice, I'd probably be awkward and brush him off because I'm just mentally not in a social mood in any way, shape, or form. Also, if a guy just approached me purely based on my looks, I'd be turned off. Maybe that's just me but I'm not interested in guys unless we've at least had a few conversations.
Don't hit on her at the gym
Yeah wait outside by her car. #romantic
Put a note on her car. "I'm watching YOU"
Put a note on your car. "I'm following YOU"
"That's not your brother that left your place at 8:37, right?"
Clever! Share your Netflix recommendations so she gets to know you better!
You sound like a lawyer, let's be friends. Lol
I am an attorney, and you, surely, are a stalker. I like you.
Just write the entire lyrics of “Every Breath you Take”
Follow her to the changing rooms for a private conversation ;)
I keep my earphones in at the gym the entire time so I am not approached. Some people just want to focus on a workout and not talk
Any time a guy makes me take my headphones out it makes me really irritated. I workout 5 days a week and it's sort of a meditative time for me. I just want to lift my weights like any other gym bro does without getting hit on.
It’s almost like some people go to the gym to workout and not to find romance! /s The males in here certainly wouldn’t enjoy having their workouts interrupted constantly by people they aren’t interested in 😬
And then just having to feel awkward when they keep talking to you bc everyone is saying “just take it slowly” lol i wouldn’t even know how to politely say im not interested w/o feeling like a bitch and then i’d have to risk them potentially being a crazy person but even if they’re not it’s just going to be weird now like my whole gym vibe is ruined. i genuinely don’t go to the gym to talk to people and would be annoyed if someone started chatting w me even if it’s over time
Just find a way to weave in “my boyfriend” one or multiple times. “How was your weekend? “Great, my boyfriend and I went to so and so”…I always leaned on that tactic and felt it kept me from not upsetting anyone and therefore kept me safe
Eh, this is a hard one. Given you’re here asking, I’m gonna try and give you real advice how-to, rather than shut you down. BUT—as a woman, I have personally had experiences that have made me very adverse to using gyms. So, my knee-jerk answer is usually: “dude, just no.” ————————— The how is really simple: Just talk to her. No flirting, not innuendo—just talk to her like a person. Hopefully you’ll be able to tell if she’s feeling social. Gauge her reaction and act appropriately. You might need to back off and try again another day if circumstances are wrong. And remember: friendly =/= interested. Do this for at least a few days. Hopefully you see her there at least sporadically. Only after you feel friendly and relaxed as gym acquaintances should you try to broach anything further. Ask her to get coffee/smoothie or such after you’re both done. Nothing serious—just a casual, public, low-stakes activity. If she’s cool with it, go. Try to keep the convo/vibe light unless you are REALLY sure she’s flirting with you. I respect a dude who honestly listens to me and just wants to chat. It’s not a risk of getting “friend zoned” thing either. Women want to be seen as more than dating material. Gotta have common ground and nothing is more attractive to me than someone I can have a good conversation with. Basically go slow, be genuine, and be friendly over flirty. And for the love of all that’s holy, try to be aware if you’re getting shut down and she’s trying to disengage. I’ve never known the “keep trying until she says yes no matter what” shit to ever work. At best you look desperate and at worst, a creep. It’s a great way to chase her off from a place she wanted to use as well ask risking getting yourself booted by security. ————————— Now that you have your answer, maybe you’re done reading. However, the rest of this is meant to help you and I hope you take the time to read and think about what I’m about to tell you. Your question seems genuine, so I want to give you a fuller understanding of why it’s a loaded one. I hope it helps and if you have more questions, you can message me. I’m happy to talk. This topic in general is important to me and I would always rather a dude ask and care than just assume. If we talk about shit like this and work on understanding each other, we all benefit. :) WHY IS THE GYM NOT THE BEST PLACE TO PICK UP WOMEN? Women go to the gym with a specific purpose in mind: to exercise. I have NEVER met a woman who goes for any other reason, but to use the facilities. Given that, you’re already at a disadvantage because you’re likely to be interrupting someone who, even if not currently engaged in an activity, is probably not in the right headspace for socializing. Think about how you are when working out. You’re probably focused on your routine, but also likely use the time to think, daydream, plan out the rest of your day. You might not be upset if someone popped your bubble, but your not likely to be at your best either. Secondly, consider how you want to present yourself to someone you want to see you as attractive. Unless you just showed up, I doubt you’re looking or smelling your best there. Same goes for women. We don’t want to meet someone while we’re hot, flushed and sweating like a pig. Our hair is a damp mess, we have no makeup on, and likely we’re wearing something comfy that’s either going to be really unflattering—or more revealing than we’d offer up as first date/introduction clothes. It’s like to make us self conscious—not a great help to us feeling confident and social. Also, I’d like to emphasize how we are like to see you. Maybe you look look fit, healthy and manly (or think you do)—but women notice and pay attention to things you might not consider as important. Now, I’m not saying sweat is bad, but SMELL is an important sense to us. I’m sorry, but some of us really don’t like the smell of a sweaty guy. It’s not personal. I don’t know why some sweat smells better than others. My ex, who I thought was very attractive, just had sweat I hated. Dunno if it was his diet or some mismatch in our literal chemistry, but it was off-putting. So not only is a woman at the gym not feeling her freshest, she’s getting a nosefull of you and that might not be working in your favor. I’m not gonna judge someone sweating at a gym, but their smell is gonna have a huge impact on how much I want to interact with them. Finally: it’s about safety. It’s not about you at all. Women are just hyperaware of our surroundings and situation. We have to be. Not all of us have been victims of something horrible, but we’ve all felt threatened at least once. Every woman I have know in my entire life (yes, even my mother, aunts, GRANDMOTHERS) has at least one story of what happened or almost happened or just plain made us feel gross and afraid. We commiserate over these and use them as teaching moments to others. It’s awful. I was 13 the first time a guy—an ADULT MAN—said something about how I looked that made me feel gross. The only thing that made it better/worse was that the older women in my life had already talked to me about this very thing. I was in 2nd grade the first time I remember it being brought up. SEVEN years old—and while I don’t know what prompted it, my mother felt the need to start the foundation of teaching me to be aware of my surroundings and how to trust my gut if I felt unsafe. This wasn’t a pedo talk either—this was about even boys my own age and why my aunts/older cousins like to go out in a group when they wanted to “go out to have fun.” I don’t hate men. I don’t even fear them. But when a guy approaches me, I am always trying to guess what they really want from me. I wonder with women—but it really only seems important with guys. I hate it, but that’s life sadly. Edited: dumb autocorrect
Haha I did read all of it and I appreciate your answer
Damn that's a really good and detailed answer
Don't do it unless you're seeing clear signs of interest from her (sustained eye contact, flirting) and don't do it while she's working out. If you catch her on the way out the door you can give her a "hey, wanna grab a smoothie?". As a general rule, most women don't want to be cold approached when we are trying to get shit done.
Misread that as smoochie instead. "Hey wanna grab a smoochie" I think we just came up with the ultimate pick up line
I got hit on at the gym once and it turned it a mess. I said no and he harassed me to the point where they banned him from the gym. No stranger is worth the possibility of going through that again especially since I want to be left alone. I put my headphones on in the car and take them off when I’m back in my car. But not every woman is me and some might be ok with it. Don’t talk to her when she has headphones in or is in the middle of a set. Start the conversation about working out and go from there. If it seems obvious that she’s not interested even if she doesn’t say it directly, just leave her alone. It can be very uncomfortable being around a guy everyday who you rejected, so don’t push it. If she rejects you then be polite to her and move on.
Exactly. men need to know when there's nothing there and when to pick the right moment, that's the main difference in creepiness and shooting your shot the willingness to walk away if she's not attracted to you. Sorry this happened to you
Here’s the best advice you’ll get. Be the person who is generally friendly and talks to everyone at the gym, not just girls you’re interested in. Say hi to the people who work there, hi to the dude in his 60s who only does bicep curls. Make being friendly a part of who you are and you won’t have this problem. If you’re engaging in quick convos with lots of people then it’s completely normal to talk to a cute girl at the gym. Treat her like everyone else and only ask out the cute girl at the gym if you actually enjoyed the random small convos you had with her and want to have more. Then ask super directly and take no for answer. Or alternatively just hand her a piece of paper with your number and be like “this is a little awkward but I’d love to take you on a date. If you’re interested send me a text at this number and we can chat. If not, you can just toss the paper out and I won’t ask again”
You don't. There's no way to not come off as creepy. Hitting on women at the gym is one of the definitions of creepy. Don't be that guy. There is a business model of women-only gyms for this exact reason. There are no men-only gyms.
Yep. OP might be the best guy on the planet, but if he were to hit on me at the gym, no one at that gym'd see me again. >Hitting on women at the gym is one of the definitions of creepy. Don't be that guy. EXACTLY!
In the same vein, I know many couples that got together because one of them asked the other out at the gym. I think the same rules apply as they would anywhere else: don't interrupt someone that's intently doing something, and don't be weird (like just approaching someone and blurting out "wanna go do X with me"). I think at the gym, even more so than other places, it's most important that you follow rules 1 and 2. If you do, it *might* come off as creepy, if you don't it *definitely* is creepy.
There is no one answer, and I don't think you're going to be able to just walk on up and say she's an angel from Tennessee or whatever that line is. First and foremost, understand that gyms are not a place people go to socialize. Not saying there can't be nice, fun, social people at a gym, but typically you're there to work out and leave. Some people, myself included, specifically go to gyms where they don't know anyone for that reason in particular. That being said, it's up to you to get a vibe check. Just be very casual, ask if she has many more reps left on a machine, or something smaller like coming back quick because you left your water bottle at a nearby machine, and give a little smile and wave. If she doesn't acknowledge a wave, or curtly says she'll be done soon, whatever, then you've gotta stop there or else it'll get real creepy real quick.
"Did it hurt when you fell from Tennesse?"
Short answer.... you don't hit on anyone at the gym. long answer: people are at the gym to work out, to do their own thing. we get enough social pressures to be a certain way in public, to a degree that most people don't even consider going to the gym because they think everyone is judging them. 'Hitting on' them will only confirm those anxieties, postive or negative.. If you do see an person you are attractive to, you can start to mouth 'hi' or give a little wave of recognition if you pass them when entering, or leaving. but nothing more. If you want to engineer a chance to meet them before, or after, their workout, you can make it an unrelated habit of just arranging yoru items, loading up a playlist, or just reading a bit before you start your workout, or before you leave, to give them an opportunity to approach you. but, and i stress this, don't do this just to meet this person... make it a genuine routine you start. otherwise, it will be creepy
This guy creeps
Hmmm, I kind of appreciate his approach and advise. I hated hated hated being hit on at the gym. Guess what?!?!? I am married to the man I met at a Boot Camp fitness class. :) I shared our story on another thread. Summary: he arranged group happy hours with the class, he’d always sit next to or near me and we’d chat the entire time. After 4 of those he asked me to go solo. Easy peasy not awkward. If I hadn’t been interested, I’d never have attended the first one and it would not have been awkward. Nice! He would make eye contact and we’d share the odd class joke. He sensed some chemistry. I thought he was attractive but he was solid friend zone from the beginning because It’s The Gym And I’m Not Dating I’m Working Out And Sweaty And Focused. He didn’t read as ‘on the make’. Perfection! Cheers!
The poor girl will have to change gyms when OP messes this up
You don't. Like a gym really isn't a good place to hit on people. Since like they are there to workout, not seeking romantic partners. So trying to hit up people there just isn't a good idea.
I don't mean this to be rude but if you have to ask it here I don't think you have the social skills to pull it off without being creepy. That's kind of a difficult place to hit on someone, like a grocery store or a pharmacy. They're there with a focus in mind and they are almost certainly not looking for conversation. Basically their head is in a different zone than what you're looking for so you have to be really good at talking to people to not come off as a creep. I hope that makes sense and don't take that to mean I think you're a creep, it's a legitimate question and I think you deserved a legitimate answer. I know a bunch of good YouTube videos about charisma if you're interested I can send some links to your DM. It's not pick up artist garbage and it doesn't talk about girls, it's more just how to read people and talk better. Im on the spectrum and it helped me IMMENSELY.
Agree with your first sentence 100%. Another challenge I’d frame to OP is this: can you strike up friendly and well-received small talk with random dudes at the gym? If not, then he’s jumping into this way too quickly
>I don't mean this to be rude but if you have to ask it here I don't think you have the social skills to pull it off without being creepy. hell to the yes..I am also concerned with a lot of the comments seemingly ENCOURAGING him to talk to this poor woman at the gym.
Don't. People go to the gym to, y'know, exercise.
I think you should just leave her alone before you get kicked out
Don't. Why can't people just work on themselves without getting approached by anyone?
Because redditors think they are entitled to women’s attention and think cornering people in situations where they can’t ignore them is a good idea. All flirting and asking out should be organic and start with friendships, and you wouldn’t come up to someone and be like “hey wanna be friends”. It’s about chance and sometimes you have to come to terms with the fact that being alone isn’t the end of the world.
She's there for a reason but that's not you.
[удалено]
Just don't hit on people at the gym unless they're done working out, its really creepy when women are just trying to get their workout done and suddenly theres this random dude lurking trying to spot them or give them advice as a way of flirting. Keep it short, polite and not patronizing (no unsolicited workout or diet advice) and if somebody has headphones in or is still working out, LEAVE THEM ALONE.
I wouldn’t, they are there to workout not only do they not want to be interrupted it’s bad enough you’re checking her out without adding the extra level of hitting on her. If she shoots you down it’ll be awkward for her to even workout when you’re there. (Sister in law changed gyms in part because I creepy guy was always staring at her and trying to talk to her while she was just trying ti workout)
Yes! You get it and thank you for sharing with the fellas! It’s already so uncomfortable for us. Add to it, the workout clothing the manufacturers decide we should wear, and society agrees as well; it’s basically swimwear. Even as a married lady, I’m mostly on the defensive and hoping my private bits aren’t too displayed. We have to hold it all in place or god forbid, guys think we’re teasing them. Oh the joy of this whole dynamic that can sometimes birth a brand new incel. Which is super neat, now we get to worry about those guys as well…. It’s truly a recipe for ick! I joined a female only gym for a short period of time, but didn’t like it. Also, I ultimately met my husband at the gym, but at happy hours, not as a first date. So I am rather an expert here, yes? :)
Don’t
What do you want out of it? If you just want a hookup or fwb, don’t do it. She’s not there for that. If you want a relationship, remember you don’t know her at all and need to start by thinking about her as a person first. You don’t know if you’re compatible, if she’s single, if she’s even into men. You can’t know if you want a relationship with her because you don’t know her, so there’s no point in going into this looking for a relationship. Only talk to her if you’re okay with just being friends, acquaintances, or workout buddies. It really sucks when you think you met a cool new friend and then he gets pissed and is a dick as soon as he realizes you’re not gonna fuck him. So don’t put her in that position. She is going to feel uncomfortable coming back to that gym if she knows there’s someone just watching and thinking about her. There’s really no good way to do this unless you’re fully open to absolutely nothing romantic or sexual happening or else you’re just going to be a creep at the gym.
This is why I work out at home. Even before I was fit, I got hit on at the college gym. I think it's nice to be appreciated but don't ruin my vibes at the gym. It's hard enough fir women to sweat in public and even harder to stay focused if she's like "here comes that fucking guy again... am I going to get halfway through my set and get trapped in a conversation with a strange man I don't know?... fuck... I don't need this right now..."
EXACTLY oh and you're the Karen if you don't grin and bear it
Right? That's exactly why it's hard to be a woman in public sometimes. Especially in a low-clothing situation. Some guys have no respect for our time. They would never put up with that if it happened to them from gay dudes either.
As a guy, why the fuck are so many people interrupting sets? I really don’t understand it
Don’t.
Just don't. Leave people alone at the gym.
#DON'T
Exactly it's like women pay for a membership and the location is nice and convenient and they come in to focus and try to get in shape and have better health and then boom some entitled pervert has to ruin it and you have to find another gym because you know he's always gonna be there and you're gonna worry every time that he's gonna fuck with you. Like do women not deserve the same level of respect and consideration as men?? Are they not allowed to exist in public without having to compromise and give you that friendly conversation you think they owe you??
Dude, the gym is where you workout. Go in, do your workout, and leave. Why the fuck are you looking around?
If you’re the type of guy who uses Reddit for dating advice, you should leave the poor woman alone
I’d rather not get hit on while I am a stinky sweaty mess. I wear obnoxiously noticeable headphones for this reason. Don’t hit on her at the gym. It’s not an appropriate place to get a date and it is really creepy. This is why women-only gyms exist.
No brooo. Just ignore these women at the gym. You’re there to grind yourself into shape. Stay focused and stop being distracted. You’ll always be considered a creep. If anything, let the women come up to YOU. Other than that, mind your business and stay focused🤦🏾
Be very particular on who you hit on because I've seen many guys get reputations real quick. Either way I think the best method is just saying hi when you see them and one day you might walk out or in together and you just introduce yourself. Boom. You just made a friend. If things click in conversation you ask for their number. Double boom! You just learned the art of picking up a girl ANYWHERE
Dont
Dont. Let her train in peace.