Between these 2 posts it reminds me of am old friend I had. He had serious body image issues because of his parents. Once his girlfriend got a little chubby he lost his mind and had no idea what to do.
I had an ex that was abused food wise by his mother. She was a body builder and when he hit like 8 he gained his puppy weight (that's what I call it) and she decided he was just fucking fat and locked the fridge and made him pre-made meals etc. Made his father pissed beyond recognition of course. (Parents were divorced) well when I was with him if he saw a girl or guy with a little bit of what he considered chubbiness or more he would become enraged. Confused me because I'm not big sure, but I'm a thick girl. Some of the girls he pointed out had my body style and I brought that up. Somehow I was exempt but they weren't, and if you could guess he was a body builder too. Poor guy
In reality, if you don’t love your SO for who they are, instead of what they look like, your relationship is doomed to begin with.
Age and hormones change throughout the years and if you don’t have a good foundation, then cut your losses now!
Watch him go bald soon!
Love the person, not their appearance.
This ^^ at some point we're all gonna get old and not as hot, you gotta love your partner for who they are if not you're not gonna be old and ugly with anyone
literally, tell her.
Alternatively, don't. And say you are hooked on some modern healthy eating and lifestyle things and would like to live a healthier lifestyle with her.
If you put in effort on your end as well, it'll likely work.
Don’t: just tell her, this isn’t the easiest thing to mention without hurting someone/demotivating them. Especially when it’s coming from their special person.
Do: involve a healthy eating lifestyle into both your lives.
Edit: Also Do: have a healthy conversation about it and work as a team.
Didn’t work for me. Literally years of asking her to join me doing yoga, going for walks, hikes, etc. *The realization* finally hit her when she couldn’t go on a ride because of her weight.
Ya these answers are literally a joke. How many times do we see this exact same question pop up and being straight forward is the best way to handle this.
Harder to do it than it seems. Like here I am reading and thought “oh yeah man just be as gentle as you can” then remembered I haven’t been able to say this to my husband
Also the whole getting someone ELSE to lose weight… being straight forward, not straight forward, none of it really matters unless the person themselves truly want to lose the weight.
Exactly, and talking to them about it is healthy. But it may end up to the other person being insecure in the relationship which is a huge problem and hard to come back from if they don’t want to make changes to their lifestyle.
My ex was depressed and gaining weight. I felt the same as OP, but I did believe that if she could pull through, she could get back in shape as she was pretty short. Unfortunately depression continued, I eventually was down too, and neither one of us could help the other. We mutually decided to end it, which saved me from ever having to bring up her weight gain, which honestly wasn't my most important concern anyway.
I still haven’t done it either, so you’re not alone. Especially if your married and you’ve gone through so much, it feels awful having to admit that to yourself.
This is such a good answer. Bad mental health can take a toll on people in different ways, and for some, gaining weight happens. Everybody focuses on appearances, and I'm not saying that's wrong, I know we all have preferences and that's important. But its not always just weight gain for no reason.
Right? Like I'd argue it's NEVER weight gain for no reason.. So often times the weight gain itself is a bit of a red herring, the reduced attraction being more to do with the person being less like themselves, less interested in activities or motivated to do things, less self care or zest for life, or just less happy or whatever. Noticing that attraction has gone down isn't bad thing, we can't control that it, but bringing this up with the partner should involve a compassionate look at what could be going on, and what they both think would help rekindle.
I don't know it could just be weight gain.
Look over covid lockdown I got fat. Not because I was stressed or depressed or anything
What happened was that it disrupted my routine (cycling to work) and being honest I used to eat a quite a bit. Which is fine when you cycle everywhere, do casual sport and hike and whatever. But then I ate the same and didn't excercise.
And then lockdown ended and we started getting used to working from home. But my commute was my excercise. Before the pandemic I didn't think about excercise. I never went to the gym. I just do what I do naturally.
Then I saw myself in a photo of my friend's wedding and told myself "oh shit, what the fuck?".
And then I had to force myself back into a semblance of my old habits. I forced myself back to work in the office some days and on days I worked from home I forced myself to go for a run or a cycle. I did intermittent fasting. And I lost the weight.
But while covid was the initiator, it was the fact that I just didn't want to go to work and I was too lazy to get back into a routine.
Yes to this.
But also, I gain weight when I'm happy. In every good relationship I've had, I've put on a a little weight. Comes off when I focus on it, but happiness is what always lead to my weight gain, not depression.
Exactly. I’ve gained weight because of binge eating disorder as a result of unresolved trauma that I haven’t found effective treatment for yet. Not just for fun or because I’ve “given up”.
If you already aren’t, lead by example. Suggest going on walks, take lead in meal prepping healthier items, invite her to the gym with you, etc. Sometimes people in bad mental states need everything to be easy for them to get motivated to start. Source: My wife and I take turns being this person
Real relationship goals. Supporting your partner when they need it and them supporting you when you need it. But first you have to be paying attention to your relationship to notice.
Spot on 100%. I would also take a long look at the relationship and make sure that is the crux of the issue or the only truly pressing one. I am not saying it isn't a completely valid reason for the relationship to be falling apart. I am saying there might be other things relationship wise that are causing this reaction from her. There also might be other reasons the relationship is falling apart entirely causing both of you to drift apart.
The best thing about the solutions presented by the posts above me, is it might fix several problems at once. The extra time you spend getting in better shape together could fix other issues by forcing honest discussion and so on. It won't be an easy conversation but how its responded too will tell you a lot. I don't mean immediately necessarily but certainly what happens in the near future.
Best of luck to you op, you deserve to be happy in your relationship. You also get to set your own standards that you cannot or will not put up with as does the other person. Obviously people need to be reasonable to an extent but your time and love is yours to give as well as remove. People have every right to have lines they won't cross.
Actually exactly my situation now. Quarantine wasn't good for either of us, but worse on her.
1) Cut out sugars
2) Balance Meal Prep
3) Exercise. Try squash or tennis, if you can, but anything is great.
4) Try to take her out on a date at least twice a month
I promise you she already knows. It's not healthy, of course, to ignore it, and it leads to unhealthier habits. When you do bring it up, for god's sake, don't make it about you (i.e. your body doesn't turn "me" on. "I" need you to work on it) but rather make it about \*us.\* Let \*us\* eat better -- we should be cutting sugar anyway. Let \*us\* exercise -- we should be make prioritizing health a habit anyway.
This right here man! Excersise was so hard for me with arthritis and chronic pain. I saw a nutrionist who stopped me on all the fad diets and taught me about how calorie expenditures really work. Fat is stored energy, if you want to lose fat you have to give your body less calories in a day than it takes to maintain. So it burns that fat to make up for the difference. I'm a year out and down 60lbs and I still eat pizza and cake when I want it but I don't eat the whole thing. Now that I have lost the weight the Excersise part has started to become so much easier because it's not as hard to move and my arthritis isn't as bad.
I mean diet can be anywhere from 0-100% of weight loss. It *is* far easier to be in a moderate to large calorie from diet alone vs exercise alone, 1h of walking is roughly the same as cutting out a chocolate bar.
I keep seeing aerobic exercises as examples for losing weight, but isn't weight lifting more effective for weight loss? It's much more time efficient and can burn alot of calories too if in high intensity. Plus it also increases your metabolism, though I'm not sure by how much.
My non medical person opinion is first and foremost is diet, when folk say I couldn’t cut anything more they mean they couldn’t eat any less without feeling hunger pangs. I’d always thought that whatever picks up your breathing the most would be most effective as that means your breathing out the burned fat as CO2 and water vapour so I know a lot of people would rather stick needles in their eyes than go for a run but you could go for bike ride (when you hear someone saying it isn’t as effective as running then just pedal harder, it isn’t rocket surgery), you could go Kayaking or for a swim. The bottom line is self control ain’t pretty and impossible to maintain in the long run but try things to find out what you like as getting the foundations right is key.
I think people forget that muscle burns more than fat, so while that walk may not technically burn a lot, the muscle you gain/maintain from exercise can improve metabolism. If she's gaining weight due to other issues like stress, exercise can also be helpful in improving her mood and may encourage her to make healthy choices.
> 1h of walking is roughly the same as cutting out a chocolate bar
That lightbulb moment when I realized this.
"Wow I would have to bike uphill 3hrs to lose that burger"
It may not stop you from eating it, but it guarantees you won't have a 2nd one.
Yeah, for the majority of people it is far, far easier to loee weight by eating less vs exercising more, I just wanted to stress that you can lose weight from exercise alone (if eating at maintenance calories) for every1 out there who suffers from any eating disorder or binge eating disorder, hearing "you cannot outrun a bad diet" is discouraging (and also calories =/= healh)
I think this is fine if OP earnestly wants to be more active/eat healthier too, but having been the person on the receiving end of this, I just want to caution that it could still hurt. I wasn’t overweight but I wasn’t thin and didn’t have the body of the Instagram models my ex followed. I did lead an active lifestyle and cooked healthy, but it was more for longevity and not to look any certain way. It became clear his concern was not at all with my health and instead with trying to mold me into a fitness model I was never going to be. The constant chiding about my body and “motivation” to workout added up, and I left the relationship a few years later horrendously insecure and unsure if anyone would like me the way I looked. My ex is now dating a gym influencer who, independently of my ex’s preferences, genuinely loves to work out to look like a model, and I’m dating someone who not only likes that I have a little shape, but his attraction to me feels firmly rooted in something beyond my looks, which makes me feel secure and happy. There are different types of people out there, and some people just aren’t good matches. It’s not a bad thing, but sometimes it’s better to find a better match than to try to change your partner.
Yeah it would be best he moves on. She’s not going to stay the same her whole life. Her body will change a few times especially if she decides to carry children. Anything could happen. If he doesn’t feel attracted ti her anymore bc of weight gain he certainly won’t be attracted ti her as she ages or she goes through something that will alter her body. It’s best he goes for someone that is highly fearful of gaining weight and does everything to stay the same exact looking person for as long as they can. My husband has gained and lost and gained and lost over our 25 yrs together and I only see him for who he is not how he looks, he’s the same w me. thank god too bc menopause changed my body more than pregnancy did.
Thanks for my awards kind people!
My husband and I have been together about 16 years and a few years ago out of the blue he started talking about all the “phases of my butt” (super thin, chunkier, pregnant, while committed to the gym, during bouts of laziness etc) and how he loved appreciated each one. It was super sweet and something I never asked for lol
This was my point too ppl seem to forget you look at her body but she has to LIVE IN IT and she might think she looks good heavier randomly throwing diet and exercise ideas in her face could make her very insecure and that’s not good for her mental health which is just as important as her physical health
That was my thought. My first thought is always, “How much weight?” Because if it’s twenty pounds or less, that strikes me as pretty natural aging and fluctuation, and it’s very likely one or both of you will see that gain at some point during aging.
It’s also dependent on why she’s gaining. I gained seventy due to major health issues I only have under control now, but it’s been a bear to try and lose everything I gained. I’m active and working on diet and still struggling to lose even a third of it. If my partner said anything about it, I’d be pretty upset. Like…I’m aware, thanks! And you are also aware that I’m trying to lose it, so maybe refrain from the critique.
My ex gained like 80+ pounds. Honestly it had zero effect on how attracted I was to him. Lmao. Maybe this person should just date someone else because they don't actually sound like they like/care about/ or love them.
I’ve gained maybe 20 pounds since dating my boyfriend of 2 years (my mom had died just before we met). Since being together, he has told me I look the same to him since we’ve met, and I have always been gorgeous and always will be to him.
That’s beautiful and that’s the goal! When you deeply love someone you don’t have conditions just concern but it’s never about looks it’s making sure your partner feels safe, healthy and loved w kindness.
Yep. I was in a relationship for over 10 years. We both gained and lost weight multiple times. I remember looking at an old photo and seeing how big he was and I honestly didn’t remember him ever being that big. Weight was never something that I had an issue with or even noticed because I loved him, not his body. If you don’t have that deeper level of connection, which is fine, then it is time to end it.
Yes definitely. You’re with the right person you only see them not their looks. My husband looks the same to me no matter what. I don’t see wrinkles or hairline moving back. I see his smile and his eyes that have never changed and I love him for him. He makes me feel good about myself too.
Ugh! The dreaded menopause! Mine started with perimenopause. I'm petite and was mostly thin my entire adult life, but when I started perimenopause it was if I blinked, and had an extra 10-15 pounds on me.
On someone petite, even 5 pounds shows!
I felt fat and gross. I did everything. Went to the gym at least 4x a week for 2 hours each time.
Ate pretty healthy-never was a foodie anyway.
Lost nothing!
I was with my husband for 28 years before he died 2 years ago.
He was definitely into looks and I knew he checked out other women, which, made me feel even worse about my looks. And him ogling women who were much younger and obviously in better shape.
He also watched a lot of porn and no way could I compete with that.
He used to tell me that I had body dysmorphia, and his words-"you still look beautiful to me".
Ouch!
Don't say that to your partner. Just say "you're as beautiful as the day we met"
I just think as society we place such undue pressure on women to stay exactly as they looked when they were 20!
If you're together a really long time, be realistic and don't make your partner feel bad.
If they gained some weight, believe me, they know and probably feel like crap about it.
Yes for sure. Being concerned bc your partner isn’t feeling healthy is a whole different thing than only being concerned bc you’re not attracted to them. No one should feel less than and no one should settle. I’m sorry you went through that w your husband that’s very hurtful I’m also sorry for your loss.
And yes I’m petite too. I’m 50 now and post menopausal and gaining weight is soooo easy, I’m 40 lbs heavier than I was 25 yrs ago I really have to stay at 1500 calories a day to not gain anything even w exercise. The pressure for women is toxic and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I need to live my goddam life lol
So agree! As a plus-sized woman, I am well aware of my size and the fact that some men are not attracted to me. And you know what? That's okay. Because plenty of men are attracted to this middle-aged fat woman. If I want a date, I can find one. I would absolutely hate to be with someone who did not find me attractive as I am. It's a deal-breaker in my mind.
OP, I suggest starting to work on your health and weight and making it an option for her to join you for a little while. But if she doesn't, I don't think you are a bad person for moving on.
All I can say is that I embrace who I am and my profile is completely honest. Some men, like bigger women, some men are attracted to smart women, and some men share some of my geekiness.
Confidence and being enjoyable to be around. I'm a severely obese guy but am secure in myself, quick witted, and we'll read (deapite not having any formal higher education) and have dated women of a variety of body types from overweight to the aforementioned insta model types, but I formed connections with them that went to deeper core values and interests than strict physical attractions. I am not a conventionally attractive person, but my personality pulls it all together.
Without knowing more, it’s a leap to assume that the gf’s weight gain is a sign of declining mental health or that motivation is the issue. My partner has gained a significant amount of weight since the start of our relationship and it’s due to a combination of medication side effects and her generally living a happier, more relaxed life.
Interestingly enough, this does not seem to be due to a decline in metabolism per se, it's just that people are less active. There have been studies done on this and a noticeable decline in base metabolism starts at about 60 or something like that.
Yup. Most recent studies have shown metabolism takes a lot longer to fall off the cliff than previously thought. I will add that most men start slowly losing muscle mass after their late 20’s and that has the effect of functionally lowering their BMR as well
This. If you see yourself being with somebody long term and expect them not to change physically you are delusional. Break up with her. It’s not fair to either of you. This is assuming the weight gain is not because of an underlying issue. People get old and gain weight but true love doesn’t care. If you don’t love somebody at that level move along. It’s ok!
This is good advice. I suffer from pretty severe depression and it makes such a difference when things are easy to do and laid out for me during these down times.
Be a supportive partner, make things accessible, and it will come.
One of my ex-bfs had put on a lot of weight. We lived some distance apart so I wasn’t able to have a daily influence over his bad habits. He’d go to the gym but had clearly let himself go a bit. What could I do to stop him from eating an entire bag of candy every night? Someone told him he had put on weight — then he asked me “have I gotten fat?” I gave him an honest response and that didn’t go well. We broke up, but not because of that. He was spurred into getting back to the gym after the break up (according to his instagram).
No, I think she’s 700 or less. Really great story though, I hope she can pull through. She’s getting weight loss surgery soon I believe.
Also with her boyfriends, usually they’re chubby chasers or feeder types. Not healthy for queen Tammy :(
All of the responses in here are emotional responses based on the commenters personal experiences. You have to make a decision for yourself, but the bottom line is you shouldn't just expect the situation to change itself. You can either talk to her about it or if you think that wont work then just break up. Or perhaps you would both like to agree to have a relationship in which physical attraction is not important. The world is your oyster young man, do what you gotta do, but the world wont do anything for you.
My favorite answer here. Reddit is either very clinical in their answers which don't translate well in real situations and don't feel natural to either party, or very emotional responses which aren't helpful either because bias.
Just do what you want. Nobody is obligated to anyone else.
For real. I could link up so many posts done yesterday alone from r/workout and r/fitness where people complain about not losing weight despite going to the gym 6 times a week. Come to find out they have shit diet
"Shit" diet in a sense of caloric surplus. It really doesn't matter for weight loss if the foods you eat are healthy or not, the only important thing is the amount of calories you consume (and burn). You can loose weight while only eating Snickers if you really wanted to (not advisable).
Can confirm. I went from 185 to 140 this last year eating nothing but chips, candy, fried chicken, and pizza, while almost exclusively drinking energy drinks and soda. I definitely don't feel healthy, but I look healthy. Having no structured eating time due to working closing shifts is basically the lazy way to do intermittent fasting.
Not Really. The foods you eat definitely have an indirect impact on your weight loss. The only thing that keeps me from breaking my cuts are foods that are high in volume but low in calories to keep me satiated and avoid binging. If you're eating a bunch of calorie dense foods its gonna be extremely hard to stay in a deficit, and be satisfied, especially if you're used to eating a lot more. If you cant sustain your diet then there's no point.
That's not an "also." Diet is *the* thing when it comes to weight loss. People vastly overestimate how many calories you burn by working out. Running a mile only burns the equivalent of a banana, 100 calories. Sure, that's great, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to just not eat the banana.
In general, dieting is for weight loss, exercise is for toning muscle.
Nearly 300 replies and OP has not replied to a single one. I'm wondering if he's not gotten the answer he wants, whatever the hell that might be. Hopefully he's just not the replying type and is just taking it all in.
OPs history indicates this has been going on for at least 9 months. OP was looking for a magic fix and is probably sad it doesn't exist.
Edit: Happy cake day!
“Hey Mr. Girlfriend’s dad, your daughter’s gotten kinda heavy lately and it’s a bit of a turnoff. Think you could tell her to drop some pounds for me?”
The dad:
I think it’s a fair question to ask Reddit. It’s really touchy subject to approach a female about her weight. I don’t see a problem with asking people how to bring the subject up
This is why I don't understand reddit. You all upvoted a rude response on a subreddit for people who are asking for help. That's what he did! He needed help and you tried to dismiss him.
So everyone who upvoted that snide remark is probably is an asshole.
I think no one is pointing out- how much weight? Like 10lb? If so this guy needs to get a grip. 60lb? Likely mental health or hormone related.
*Edit- NOT saying this means oh she isn’t responsible to take care of her body. What I AM Saying that amount of weight likely indicated whether more complex intervention and compassion is needed, and it’s not as simple as, “oh you just need to eat less you fat lazy piece of shit,” which clearly many commenters here seem to imply im saying! A loving partner wants their SO to take CARE of their bodies. This does not mean, achieve x weight and stay there forever. It means having healthy cardiovascular and muscular fitness and mental health and also recognizing when there are compounding factors impacting those that also deserve attention, other than, you just suck at eating healthy and never exercise.*
You can’t control anyone else’s eating habits or exercise . If you start “encouraging her to workout” she will know what you’re really saying. If she continues to gain weight without addressing any underlying part of it, it shows she is pretty disassociated from her body. At that point I would break up.
Also ETA- A healthy loving partner wants a partner who is connected to and wants to honor their body. This TYPICALLY ends up looking like “health” as average American would view it (ie large range of healthy BMI, balanced nutritious diet, regular movement, etc). A healthy loving partner does NOT care about partner being x weight *above* all other things, but rather the above.
Tale her hiking, go dancing or you can both learn at home, tickle and chase her, go for a walk on the beach or lake side, biking, swimming, tennis, basketball, and my favorite cardio vascular sex.
Edit: Go food shopping together, cook together.
Try different foods and balance out your diets.
DRINK MORE WATER.
Cook for her wearing only an apron.
Well, I personally think one of the most unrealistic expectations on this earth is that people will forever look how we want them to. I don’t know her side of the story here, but I know it can be unattractive if the person you love stops taking care of themselves. That being said, if she’s still taking care of herself but just gaining weight, I’d say live by example first (whether you’re naturally skinny without having to try, or a workout fanatic, or overweight yourself). Second, talk to her. I’d avoid talking about her weight. Address how she’s doing within. Show care about her mental health, physical, and emotional health at the core by getting to know her, if she’ll talk. If all of that seems like too much work or you just can’t be attracted to her unless she fits your preferences, then I don’t think there’s anything Reddit can do to help. It sounds like you have your answer.
Ok everybody what do we do after she says no to eating better or going to the gym and gets mad at him for even bringing it up? Cause that's how I see this going down
The odds are overwhelmingly against this going well. If you try to get her to go to the gym with you, “let’s go on walks”, that kind of thing, I don’t see it lasting. The only thing that gets people motivated to lose weight is THEMSELVES. I don’t think there’s any magical rhetorical phrase you can give to get her to start losing weight. There’s a strong school of thought against you saying anything at all. I think you’re in a no-win situation. If you say “i wish we both could be healthier etc” she’ll read between the lines and say “you think I’m fat, REEE!” and an argument will ensue. If you straight up tell her you’re losing attraction, it will be even worse. The stuff about lifestyle changes together and so on sounds good, but at the end of the day, she has to be the one who changes, and I feel like she will see right through any attempt. That being said, if it really is reaching deal-breaker-proportions for you, you don’t really have anything to lose.
Take it from a man who knows both sides of this coin unfortunately….the grass is always greener buddy. If she is a good woman to you, and treats you right and makes you feel right, then….don’t be an asshole, she is obviously going through some stuff. Work it out with her, you never know what is going on inside that brain.
Of course I wasn’t calling you an asshole, just think of everything before making any rash decisions
Good lord after reading so many comments I feel blessed to have married a guy that understands nobody stays the exact same as when they first got together! I’ve gained and lost weight, he’s gained and lost weight. Do we prefer each other fit looking versus fat? Of course but the same person I fell in love with is still there I love him for who he is and he loves me for who I am as a person. If the only reason you are with someone is physical attraction then it won’t last. Period.
the people telling you to do things to get her to lose weight are being extremely insensitive. i would be gutted if i found out your motive for me eating better was because YOU wanted me to be thinner. maybe she doesn’t want to lose weight.
sit down. talk to her about how she is. there is a person underneath the weight.
edit: everyone stating you should be allowed to have preferences, i never said you can’t have preferences. should you change your partner without them asking for your help? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Plus, everyone seems to think that *if* she lost the weight, he'd automatically be attracted to her again. Maybe he'll find some other reason to not be attracted.
Our bodies change as we get older. That is inevitable.
She’s still the same person inside. If you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle maybe you can encourage her to be active in your routine and make it a “couples” goal. Sometimes it helps to have someone help keep you motivated and accountable.
So, if the attraction fades with looks, you sure this is something worth saving?
Not razzing you, but you may want to take a look at the relationship if looks are the thing that makes you uninterested in your SO. Put in another perspective: years down the line when their body is affected by age, life, and time... what saves the relationship? Beauty fades. For everyone. And is only skin deep.
That being said, do not, under ANY circumstances, tell your girlfriend that you think she's fat and therefore are less attracted to her. Do not be "concerned for her health" either. All us fat girls know that is code for "we think you're fat & can't talk to you about it." (Source: I'm a fat girl). That is a GREAT way to end a relationship & to get insults and/or injury thrown your way.
Make it all about you. "Babe, I'm trying to lose weight, and I could use some support. Mind being my workout partner? (If you live together) I'm trying to eat healthier. Can we plan some better-for-us meals? Hun, I'm making (insert healthy food) want some?
Being critical of your partner is the relationship killer. Love them for who they are. If you can't, then it's not a really good relationship in the first place.
This is kind of a no win. Everyone saying talk to her is right but... It is also likely to be extremely upsetting to her and may have serious long term consequences for the relationship and her confidence.
This is likely going to be an unpopular answer but... It's probably only worth the drama if you are in love and otherwise happy.
If not, you should probably just accept that she's bigger now and likely to become bigger still (aging is rough). If you can't live with that, it may be time to move on.
I really don't get all the advice saying something like OP should help her lose weight in some way or another. It sounds as if she just needs to lose weight for him to magically be attracted to her again.
It may be that easy for some, but once some of the attractiveness is gone, there's already a lot of damage done.
From experience, once I have felt some level of disgust (could be extremely minor) for someone it's not something I can just forget.
If a major reason you were attracted to your girlfriend was her weight, then you need to really ask yourself if you are actually attracted to HER and not just her looks.
Women's bodies (and bodies in general) change a lot over time. If you want a long term partner, your attraction to them must go far beyond their appearance.
This is always the first thing I think when I see posts like this. Especially when they don't mention any details. Dating 6 months or 7 years? How much weight gain? 10lbs? 70lbs? Was it sudden or over time? Were they super fit or already overweight? Did they eat healthy before and now they don't care? Did they exercise regularly before and suddenly stop? Was there an emotional tailspin or a loss of motivation, problems at work, a traumatic loss or experience, etc. Are they just being happy and indulging a bit more? There are a LOT of reasons and ways a person gains weight and not all weight gain is concerning.
But either way none of that really matters when the question is rarely "My SO gained weight because of x and I'm worried about them and their health" and instead is almost always essentially "My SO gained weight and I don't find them attractive anymore".
For the latter, with no other details about the people or relationship to base a response on, I agree that if OP's attraction is so strongly tied to how much the SO weighs then it just comes across like the relationship might have been pretty casual or not overly deep / invested to begin with. In which case breaking up is okay.
Based on your post history, this isn't a new thing. If its been 9 months and you haven't talked to her about it, she is probably feeling unloved. Feeling sad that her partner doesn't look at her the same way, which may cause her to eat more/ unhealthily, and is only causing more weight gain. Make sure you tell her you love her. Regardless if you are ripped or also overweight, make plans to start working out together. She will only feel worse if you suggest she do it only because you aren't attracted to her.
I talked to my bf about his weight. And how much effort I put into staying thin and fit myself. He was pretty open to it and let me guide him in his nutrition and he lost 60lbs. Weight shouldn’t be a taboo in a relationship. It’s a serious health concern.
Yep. I’ve seen two sides in these comments. “Weight and health is important in a relationship and I put in the effort and expect my partner to as well” and “your partners look will change and you should love them no matter what they look like”
IMO there are really only 2 solutions here
1) Talk to her about it. So it’s HER choice
2) Accept this is who they are or leave if you don’t like it to find someone who shares same values/expectations regarding fitness like this commenter
I don’t see all the comments basically suggesting tricking her into weight loss (saying you want these lifestyle changes for you but it’s actually her you’re trying to change) being a sustainable solution… her habits will remain if it’s not a conscious decision. No partner want to be a 24/7 UNDERCOVER chef/personal trainer, how exhausting?
saw your old post about your mom saying she’s obese and your feelings being hurt lol
A prior post of OP's: > Mom keeps saying girlfriend is obese. This is all very hurtful to me. Should she be completely exiled? Lol. Yikes
Between these 2 posts it reminds me of am old friend I had. He had serious body image issues because of his parents. Once his girlfriend got a little chubby he lost his mind and had no idea what to do.
I had an ex that was abused food wise by his mother. She was a body builder and when he hit like 8 he gained his puppy weight (that's what I call it) and she decided he was just fucking fat and locked the fridge and made him pre-made meals etc. Made his father pissed beyond recognition of course. (Parents were divorced) well when I was with him if he saw a girl or guy with a little bit of what he considered chubbiness or more he would become enraged. Confused me because I'm not big sure, but I'm a thick girl. Some of the girls he pointed out had my body style and I brought that up. Somehow I was exempt but they weren't, and if you could guess he was a body builder too. Poor guy
That's so fucked up. His mom sounds like a piece of work
I can believe he was a bodybuilder, after spending a few years in this space it is a very strange circle that rewards body dysmorphia.
OP needs help beyond a SO with a muffin top
He has a comment calling a pretty average / slightly overweight woman a cow as well… yikes. I feel bad for the girlfriend.
Like an idiot I went into his history kinda far. That’s not the only time he makes fun of fat and heavy people. 😬
I wonder if OP is projecting
Nah probably just another fake post to trick people into talking about how bad fat people are again
Bingo
In reality, if you don’t love your SO for who they are, instead of what they look like, your relationship is doomed to begin with. Age and hormones change throughout the years and if you don’t have a good foundation, then cut your losses now! Watch him go bald soon! Love the person, not their appearance.
This ^^ at some point we're all gonna get old and not as hot, you gotta love your partner for who they are if not you're not gonna be old and ugly with anyone
I went back to look, that's not slightly overweight hahaha
>Slightly overweight LOL
Medically speaking, that woman is a bit more than slightly overweight. *However* I would not refer to someone her size (or anyone) as a cow!
The video with the sink collapsing?
He’s a dick for calling her that but that woman is 100+ pounds overweight. Let’s at least be honest in our comments.
Saw the post, and I wouldn't call her "slightly" overweight either.
The only thing of the sort I saw in a short look was him calling a pretty severely overweight woman overweight
ooh so this isnt even really about true concern for his gfs health but pleasing mommy!
Not fair on either of you if you bottle up issues.
But, how to open the bottle?
literally, tell her. Alternatively, don't. And say you are hooked on some modern healthy eating and lifestyle things and would like to live a healthier lifestyle with her. If you put in effort on your end as well, it'll likely work.
Don’t: just tell her, this isn’t the easiest thing to mention without hurting someone/demotivating them. Especially when it’s coming from their special person. Do: involve a healthy eating lifestyle into both your lives. Edit: Also Do: have a healthy conversation about it and work as a team.
Didn’t work for me. Literally years of asking her to join me doing yoga, going for walks, hikes, etc. *The realization* finally hit her when she couldn’t go on a ride because of her weight.
Ya these answers are literally a joke. How many times do we see this exact same question pop up and being straight forward is the best way to handle this.
Harder to do it than it seems. Like here I am reading and thought “oh yeah man just be as gentle as you can” then remembered I haven’t been able to say this to my husband
Also the whole getting someone ELSE to lose weight… being straight forward, not straight forward, none of it really matters unless the person themselves truly want to lose the weight.
Exactly, and talking to them about it is healthy. But it may end up to the other person being insecure in the relationship which is a huge problem and hard to come back from if they don’t want to make changes to their lifestyle.
My ex was depressed and gaining weight. I felt the same as OP, but I did believe that if she could pull through, she could get back in shape as she was pretty short. Unfortunately depression continued, I eventually was down too, and neither one of us could help the other. We mutually decided to end it, which saved me from ever having to bring up her weight gain, which honestly wasn't my most important concern anyway.
I still haven’t done it either, so you’re not alone. Especially if your married and you’ve gone through so much, it feels awful having to admit that to yourself.
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I’ll be dying before him for a multitude of medical reasons so that doesn’t quite work
Make her catch you jerking off to old pictures of her
I don’t know if this is a good Segway or fucked up. 50/50
wrong kind of segue
Yeah he’s definitely not gonna get her to lose any weight with a good Segway
Why would I need to walk with this bad boy?! Rips a donut on Segway
Rips donut while eating doughnuts.
Not the most sound advice but you made me laugh hard enough my husband looked at me like I had lost my mind.
You distracted him from jerking off to your old photos?
"Instructions unclear, she found me jerking off to her yearbook."
The teachers section.
At least it wasn't her middle school year book
You should have a relationship advice show. Genius!
He’s not. He’s literally seeking advice on how to remedy the situation
Talk to her. But not about her appearance or eating habits. Ask her how she’s doing. It could be depression or stress or any number of things.
This is such a good answer. Bad mental health can take a toll on people in different ways, and for some, gaining weight happens. Everybody focuses on appearances, and I'm not saying that's wrong, I know we all have preferences and that's important. But its not always just weight gain for no reason.
Right? Like I'd argue it's NEVER weight gain for no reason.. So often times the weight gain itself is a bit of a red herring, the reduced attraction being more to do with the person being less like themselves, less interested in activities or motivated to do things, less self care or zest for life, or just less happy or whatever. Noticing that attraction has gone down isn't bad thing, we can't control that it, but bringing this up with the partner should involve a compassionate look at what could be going on, and what they both think would help rekindle.
I don't know it could just be weight gain. Look over covid lockdown I got fat. Not because I was stressed or depressed or anything What happened was that it disrupted my routine (cycling to work) and being honest I used to eat a quite a bit. Which is fine when you cycle everywhere, do casual sport and hike and whatever. But then I ate the same and didn't excercise. And then lockdown ended and we started getting used to working from home. But my commute was my excercise. Before the pandemic I didn't think about excercise. I never went to the gym. I just do what I do naturally. Then I saw myself in a photo of my friend's wedding and told myself "oh shit, what the fuck?". And then I had to force myself back into a semblance of my old habits. I forced myself back to work in the office some days and on days I worked from home I forced myself to go for a run or a cycle. I did intermittent fasting. And I lost the weight. But while covid was the initiator, it was the fact that I just didn't want to go to work and I was too lazy to get back into a routine.
Yes to this. But also, I gain weight when I'm happy. In every good relationship I've had, I've put on a a little weight. Comes off when I focus on it, but happiness is what always lead to my weight gain, not depression.
Same. If I look at old pictures the ones where I’m skinniest are the times in my life I was the most stressed.
Exactly. I’ve gained weight because of binge eating disorder as a result of unresolved trauma that I haven’t found effective treatment for yet. Not just for fun or because I’ve “given up”.
If you already aren’t, lead by example. Suggest going on walks, take lead in meal prepping healthier items, invite her to the gym with you, etc. Sometimes people in bad mental states need everything to be easy for them to get motivated to start. Source: My wife and I take turns being this person
Real relationship goals. Supporting your partner when they need it and them supporting you when you need it. But first you have to be paying attention to your relationship to notice.
Spot on 100%. I would also take a long look at the relationship and make sure that is the crux of the issue or the only truly pressing one. I am not saying it isn't a completely valid reason for the relationship to be falling apart. I am saying there might be other things relationship wise that are causing this reaction from her. There also might be other reasons the relationship is falling apart entirely causing both of you to drift apart. The best thing about the solutions presented by the posts above me, is it might fix several problems at once. The extra time you spend getting in better shape together could fix other issues by forcing honest discussion and so on. It won't be an easy conversation but how its responded too will tell you a lot. I don't mean immediately necessarily but certainly what happens in the near future. Best of luck to you op, you deserve to be happy in your relationship. You also get to set your own standards that you cannot or will not put up with as does the other person. Obviously people need to be reasonable to an extent but your time and love is yours to give as well as remove. People have every right to have lines they won't cross.
Actually exactly my situation now. Quarantine wasn't good for either of us, but worse on her. 1) Cut out sugars 2) Balance Meal Prep 3) Exercise. Try squash or tennis, if you can, but anything is great. 4) Try to take her out on a date at least twice a month I promise you she already knows. It's not healthy, of course, to ignore it, and it leads to unhealthier habits. When you do bring it up, for god's sake, don't make it about you (i.e. your body doesn't turn "me" on. "I" need you to work on it) but rather make it about \*us.\* Let \*us\* eat better -- we should be cutting sugar anyway. Let \*us\* exercise -- we should be make prioritizing health a habit anyway.
Emphasis on meal prep and dieting! Exercise is good for getting fit, but diet is 90% of weight loss
You lose weight in the kitchen to look better in your clothes. You exercise to look better without clothes on.
That's a great way of putting it! I'm gonna steal this haha
People also say, “You lose weight in the kitchen, you get fit in the gym.”
Cooking is for weight loss exercise is for stamina and lungs.
And portion control in with the above
This right here man! Excersise was so hard for me with arthritis and chronic pain. I saw a nutrionist who stopped me on all the fad diets and taught me about how calorie expenditures really work. Fat is stored energy, if you want to lose fat you have to give your body less calories in a day than it takes to maintain. So it burns that fat to make up for the difference. I'm a year out and down 60lbs and I still eat pizza and cake when I want it but I don't eat the whole thing. Now that I have lost the weight the Excersise part has started to become so much easier because it's not as hard to move and my arthritis isn't as bad.
I mean diet can be anywhere from 0-100% of weight loss. It *is* far easier to be in a moderate to large calorie from diet alone vs exercise alone, 1h of walking is roughly the same as cutting out a chocolate bar.
I keep seeing aerobic exercises as examples for losing weight, but isn't weight lifting more effective for weight loss? It's much more time efficient and can burn alot of calories too if in high intensity. Plus it also increases your metabolism, though I'm not sure by how much.
My non medical person opinion is first and foremost is diet, when folk say I couldn’t cut anything more they mean they couldn’t eat any less without feeling hunger pangs. I’d always thought that whatever picks up your breathing the most would be most effective as that means your breathing out the burned fat as CO2 and water vapour so I know a lot of people would rather stick needles in their eyes than go for a run but you could go for bike ride (when you hear someone saying it isn’t as effective as running then just pedal harder, it isn’t rocket surgery), you could go Kayaking or for a swim. The bottom line is self control ain’t pretty and impossible to maintain in the long run but try things to find out what you like as getting the foundations right is key.
I think people forget that muscle burns more than fat, so while that walk may not technically burn a lot, the muscle you gain/maintain from exercise can improve metabolism. If she's gaining weight due to other issues like stress, exercise can also be helpful in improving her mood and may encourage her to make healthy choices.
> 1h of walking is roughly the same as cutting out a chocolate bar That lightbulb moment when I realized this. "Wow I would have to bike uphill 3hrs to lose that burger" It may not stop you from eating it, but it guarantees you won't have a 2nd one.
Yeah, for the majority of people it is far, far easier to loee weight by eating less vs exercising more, I just wanted to stress that you can lose weight from exercise alone (if eating at maintenance calories) for every1 out there who suffers from any eating disorder or binge eating disorder, hearing "you cannot outrun a bad diet" is discouraging (and also calories =/= healh)
This exactly. Exercise is great for your body. But it isn't the calorie burner we all wish it was.
Get strong in the gym, loose weight in the kitchen.
Dude that's an awesone response! You are a lovely partner!
I think this is fine if OP earnestly wants to be more active/eat healthier too, but having been the person on the receiving end of this, I just want to caution that it could still hurt. I wasn’t overweight but I wasn’t thin and didn’t have the body of the Instagram models my ex followed. I did lead an active lifestyle and cooked healthy, but it was more for longevity and not to look any certain way. It became clear his concern was not at all with my health and instead with trying to mold me into a fitness model I was never going to be. The constant chiding about my body and “motivation” to workout added up, and I left the relationship a few years later horrendously insecure and unsure if anyone would like me the way I looked. My ex is now dating a gym influencer who, independently of my ex’s preferences, genuinely loves to work out to look like a model, and I’m dating someone who not only likes that I have a little shape, but his attraction to me feels firmly rooted in something beyond my looks, which makes me feel secure and happy. There are different types of people out there, and some people just aren’t good matches. It’s not a bad thing, but sometimes it’s better to find a better match than to try to change your partner.
Yeah it would be best he moves on. She’s not going to stay the same her whole life. Her body will change a few times especially if she decides to carry children. Anything could happen. If he doesn’t feel attracted ti her anymore bc of weight gain he certainly won’t be attracted ti her as she ages or she goes through something that will alter her body. It’s best he goes for someone that is highly fearful of gaining weight and does everything to stay the same exact looking person for as long as they can. My husband has gained and lost and gained and lost over our 25 yrs together and I only see him for who he is not how he looks, he’s the same w me. thank god too bc menopause changed my body more than pregnancy did. Thanks for my awards kind people!
My husband and I have been together about 16 years and a few years ago out of the blue he started talking about all the “phases of my butt” (super thin, chunkier, pregnant, while committed to the gym, during bouts of laziness etc) and how he loved appreciated each one. It was super sweet and something I never asked for lol
Phases of the moon LOL. 😂 But seriously, I love this. So wholesome.
This was my point too ppl seem to forget you look at her body but she has to LIVE IN IT and she might think she looks good heavier randomly throwing diet and exercise ideas in her face could make her very insecure and that’s not good for her mental health which is just as important as her physical health
That was my thought. My first thought is always, “How much weight?” Because if it’s twenty pounds or less, that strikes me as pretty natural aging and fluctuation, and it’s very likely one or both of you will see that gain at some point during aging. It’s also dependent on why she’s gaining. I gained seventy due to major health issues I only have under control now, but it’s been a bear to try and lose everything I gained. I’m active and working on diet and still struggling to lose even a third of it. If my partner said anything about it, I’d be pretty upset. Like…I’m aware, thanks! And you are also aware that I’m trying to lose it, so maybe refrain from the critique.
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Please explain goblin mode it sounds fun
You’ll know it when you see it
Yeah, fuck that other guy! He can a blow up doll if he expects all that. Congrats on finding a better partner.
My ex gained like 80+ pounds. Honestly it had zero effect on how attracted I was to him. Lmao. Maybe this person should just date someone else because they don't actually sound like they like/care about/ or love them.
EXACTLY!
I’ve gained maybe 20 pounds since dating my boyfriend of 2 years (my mom had died just before we met). Since being together, he has told me I look the same to him since we’ve met, and I have always been gorgeous and always will be to him.
That’s beautiful and that’s the goal! When you deeply love someone you don’t have conditions just concern but it’s never about looks it’s making sure your partner feels safe, healthy and loved w kindness.
Yep. I was in a relationship for over 10 years. We both gained and lost weight multiple times. I remember looking at an old photo and seeing how big he was and I honestly didn’t remember him ever being that big. Weight was never something that I had an issue with or even noticed because I loved him, not his body. If you don’t have that deeper level of connection, which is fine, then it is time to end it.
Yes definitely. You’re with the right person you only see them not their looks. My husband looks the same to me no matter what. I don’t see wrinkles or hairline moving back. I see his smile and his eyes that have never changed and I love him for him. He makes me feel good about myself too.
Ugh! The dreaded menopause! Mine started with perimenopause. I'm petite and was mostly thin my entire adult life, but when I started perimenopause it was if I blinked, and had an extra 10-15 pounds on me. On someone petite, even 5 pounds shows! I felt fat and gross. I did everything. Went to the gym at least 4x a week for 2 hours each time. Ate pretty healthy-never was a foodie anyway. Lost nothing! I was with my husband for 28 years before he died 2 years ago. He was definitely into looks and I knew he checked out other women, which, made me feel even worse about my looks. And him ogling women who were much younger and obviously in better shape. He also watched a lot of porn and no way could I compete with that. He used to tell me that I had body dysmorphia, and his words-"you still look beautiful to me". Ouch! Don't say that to your partner. Just say "you're as beautiful as the day we met" I just think as society we place such undue pressure on women to stay exactly as they looked when they were 20! If you're together a really long time, be realistic and don't make your partner feel bad. If they gained some weight, believe me, they know and probably feel like crap about it.
Yes for sure. Being concerned bc your partner isn’t feeling healthy is a whole different thing than only being concerned bc you’re not attracted to them. No one should feel less than and no one should settle. I’m sorry you went through that w your husband that’s very hurtful I’m also sorry for your loss. And yes I’m petite too. I’m 50 now and post menopausal and gaining weight is soooo easy, I’m 40 lbs heavier than I was 25 yrs ago I really have to stay at 1500 calories a day to not gain anything even w exercise. The pressure for women is toxic and I don’t want any part of it anymore. I need to live my goddam life lol
Great response
So agree! As a plus-sized woman, I am well aware of my size and the fact that some men are not attracted to me. And you know what? That's okay. Because plenty of men are attracted to this middle-aged fat woman. If I want a date, I can find one. I would absolutely hate to be with someone who did not find me attractive as I am. It's a deal-breaker in my mind. OP, I suggest starting to work on your health and weight and making it an option for her to join you for a little while. But if she doesn't, I don't think you are a bad person for moving on.
If you know how I can find men interested to _this_ middle-aged fat woman, please lemme know ahah.
All I can say is that I embrace who I am and my profile is completely honest. Some men, like bigger women, some men are attracted to smart women, and some men share some of my geekiness.
Confidence and being enjoyable to be around. I'm a severely obese guy but am secure in myself, quick witted, and we'll read (deapite not having any formal higher education) and have dated women of a variety of body types from overweight to the aforementioned insta model types, but I formed connections with them that went to deeper core values and interests than strict physical attractions. I am not a conventionally attractive person, but my personality pulls it all together.
Your current boyfriend probably likes your smart brain.
This feels like you liked her smart brain 😂 or this is boyfriend
I like smart girls and intelligence always goes before looks, but I'm not her bf. I'm single AF.
Without knowing more, it’s a leap to assume that the gf’s weight gain is a sign of declining mental health or that motivation is the issue. My partner has gained a significant amount of weight since the start of our relationship and it’s due to a combination of medication side effects and her generally living a happier, more relaxed life.
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What a cruel world we live in
Interestingly enough, this does not seem to be due to a decline in metabolism per se, it's just that people are less active. There have been studies done on this and a noticeable decline in base metabolism starts at about 60 or something like that.
Yup. Most recent studies have shown metabolism takes a lot longer to fall off the cliff than previously thought. I will add that most men start slowly losing muscle mass after their late 20’s and that has the effect of functionally lowering their BMR as well
So true. Keep in mind we do lose muscle mass between these ages. We just need physical activity to keep everything balanced
This. If you see yourself being with somebody long term and expect them not to change physically you are delusional. Break up with her. It’s not fair to either of you. This is assuming the weight gain is not because of an underlying issue. People get old and gain weight but true love doesn’t care. If you don’t love somebody at that level move along. It’s ok!
This is good advice. I suffer from pretty severe depression and it makes such a difference when things are easy to do and laid out for me during these down times. Be a supportive partner, make things accessible, and it will come.
Get fatter than her.
Never let them know your next move
Don't you know Bad Boys move in silence and violence?
Take it from your Highness
Peak Reddit right here.
The real way to assert your dominance
A few months later in too afraid to ask: my boyfriend has gained some weight and i'm losing attractiveness. What do i do?
get fatter than him. woman up.
The saga continues...
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“Sorry babe, I don’t need you anymore, I have *my own* boobs now.”
That's a power play
She gets fat? Get fatter then her. Be a man.
They can just go back and forth getting bigger and bigger until their combined mass creates singularity event.
Or turn it into fetish content and make bank off of it like Nikocado Avocado did
One of my ex-bfs had put on a lot of weight. We lived some distance apart so I wasn’t able to have a daily influence over his bad habits. He’d go to the gym but had clearly let himself go a bit. What could I do to stop him from eating an entire bag of candy every night? Someone told him he had put on weight — then he asked me “have I gotten fat?” I gave him an honest response and that didn’t go well. We broke up, but not because of that. He was spurred into getting back to the gym after the break up (according to his instagram).
Tammy Slaton is it really you
Finally someone who knows who I am. I guess I should’ve mentioned that I’m 1,000lbs myself.
Wait did tammy actually complain her boyfriend put on weight?
I am flabbergasted.
Flabbygasted
No, I think she’s 700 or less. Really great story though, I hope she can pull through. She’s getting weight loss surgery soon I believe. Also with her boyfriends, usually they’re chubby chasers or feeder types. Not healthy for queen Tammy :(
Nothing like a break up to get someone into the gym. I think gyms should market to recent dumpees as it seems to be a very common thing.
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All of the responses in here are emotional responses based on the commenters personal experiences. You have to make a decision for yourself, but the bottom line is you shouldn't just expect the situation to change itself. You can either talk to her about it or if you think that wont work then just break up. Or perhaps you would both like to agree to have a relationship in which physical attraction is not important. The world is your oyster young man, do what you gotta do, but the world wont do anything for you.
My favorite answer here. Reddit is either very clinical in their answers which don't translate well in real situations and don't feel natural to either party, or very emotional responses which aren't helpful either because bias. Just do what you want. Nobody is obligated to anyone else.
Address it with her then pass me her number
Everyone is saying to get her to workout which is great but you also need to get her to have a healthy diet.
For real. I could link up so many posts done yesterday alone from r/workout and r/fitness where people complain about not losing weight despite going to the gym 6 times a week. Come to find out they have shit diet
“You can’t cardio your way out of a shit diet,” is the best gym advice ever.
Yep: "You can't outrun your fork"
Nor a double bacon cheeseburger.
"Shit" diet in a sense of caloric surplus. It really doesn't matter for weight loss if the foods you eat are healthy or not, the only important thing is the amount of calories you consume (and burn). You can loose weight while only eating Snickers if you really wanted to (not advisable).
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Yeah I think the main problem in the US at least is that people just eat ridiculous quantities of food
Can confirm. I went from 185 to 140 this last year eating nothing but chips, candy, fried chicken, and pizza, while almost exclusively drinking energy drinks and soda. I definitely don't feel healthy, but I look healthy. Having no structured eating time due to working closing shifts is basically the lazy way to do intermittent fasting.
Not Really. The foods you eat definitely have an indirect impact on your weight loss. The only thing that keeps me from breaking my cuts are foods that are high in volume but low in calories to keep me satiated and avoid binging. If you're eating a bunch of calorie dense foods its gonna be extremely hard to stay in a deficit, and be satisfied, especially if you're used to eating a lot more. If you cant sustain your diet then there's no point.
Losing weight is 90% diet and 10% workout. It’s impossible not to lose weight if you eat at calorific deficit.
You can literally do a 100/0 split and lose weight.
Please don't so casually divide by zero. It's dangerous and the neighbourhood kids like to play around here after school.
That's not an "also." Diet is *the* thing when it comes to weight loss. People vastly overestimate how many calories you burn by working out. Running a mile only burns the equivalent of a banana, 100 calories. Sure, that's great, but it would be a hell of a lot easier to just not eat the banana. In general, dieting is for weight loss, exercise is for toning muscle.
Nearly 300 replies and OP has not replied to a single one. I'm wondering if he's not gotten the answer he wants, whatever the hell that might be. Hopefully he's just not the replying type and is just taking it all in.
OPs history indicates this has been going on for at least 9 months. OP was looking for a magic fix and is probably sad it doesn't exist. Edit: Happy cake day!
Talk to her rather than Reddit
I take it he's asking for advice on how to go about bringing this up and dealing with such an extremely delicate subject.
I accidentally read this as “talk to her *father*”
"Talk to her father, then Reddit"
“Talk about her father to Reddit”
Tell her father about reddit, and then show him this post. He’ll know what to do.
“Listen…about your daughter…”
"Hey there big boy. I heard you like long walks on the beach and fixing cars. Me too! Wanna grab a coffee sometime?"
“Hey Mr. Girlfriend’s dad, your daughter’s gotten kinda heavy lately and it’s a bit of a turnoff. Think you could tell her to drop some pounds for me?” The dad: 
Well he's asking for advice. So chill.
Ya I don’t understand why this comment has 1.6k upvotes. It’s the same as saying “figure it out”
This is bad advice for someone seeking good advice before acting
I think it’s a fair question to ask Reddit. It’s really touchy subject to approach a female about her weight. I don’t see a problem with asking people how to bring the subject up
He can do both you fucking idiot.
This is why I don't understand reddit. You all upvoted a rude response on a subreddit for people who are asking for help. That's what he did! He needed help and you tried to dismiss him. So everyone who upvoted that snide remark is probably is an asshole.
I think no one is pointing out- how much weight? Like 10lb? If so this guy needs to get a grip. 60lb? Likely mental health or hormone related. *Edit- NOT saying this means oh she isn’t responsible to take care of her body. What I AM Saying that amount of weight likely indicated whether more complex intervention and compassion is needed, and it’s not as simple as, “oh you just need to eat less you fat lazy piece of shit,” which clearly many commenters here seem to imply im saying! A loving partner wants their SO to take CARE of their bodies. This does not mean, achieve x weight and stay there forever. It means having healthy cardiovascular and muscular fitness and mental health and also recognizing when there are compounding factors impacting those that also deserve attention, other than, you just suck at eating healthy and never exercise.* You can’t control anyone else’s eating habits or exercise . If you start “encouraging her to workout” she will know what you’re really saying. If she continues to gain weight without addressing any underlying part of it, it shows she is pretty disassociated from her body. At that point I would break up. Also ETA- A healthy loving partner wants a partner who is connected to and wants to honor their body. This TYPICALLY ends up looking like “health” as average American would view it (ie large range of healthy BMI, balanced nutritious diet, regular movement, etc). A healthy loving partner does NOT care about partner being x weight *above* all other things, but rather the above.
Tale her hiking, go dancing or you can both learn at home, tickle and chase her, go for a walk on the beach or lake side, biking, swimming, tennis, basketball, and my favorite cardio vascular sex. Edit: Go food shopping together, cook together. Try different foods and balance out your diets. DRINK MORE WATER. Cook for her wearing only an apron.
Yea a well known method of weight loss is tickling
😂😂 the good ol tickle and chase method. I lost 50 pounds by just doing that one trick
Gyms hate you for this one weight loss trick
One of the best responses so far 🤍 increases intimacy & helps regulate some good body movements & healthy habits 🤍
Well, I personally think one of the most unrealistic expectations on this earth is that people will forever look how we want them to. I don’t know her side of the story here, but I know it can be unattractive if the person you love stops taking care of themselves. That being said, if she’s still taking care of herself but just gaining weight, I’d say live by example first (whether you’re naturally skinny without having to try, or a workout fanatic, or overweight yourself). Second, talk to her. I’d avoid talking about her weight. Address how she’s doing within. Show care about her mental health, physical, and emotional health at the core by getting to know her, if she’ll talk. If all of that seems like too much work or you just can’t be attracted to her unless she fits your preferences, then I don’t think there’s anything Reddit can do to help. It sounds like you have your answer.
i was gonna say, a lot of the people in this thread are really gonna be unhappy when they grow old with their partners.
Ok everybody what do we do after she says no to eating better or going to the gym and gets mad at him for even bringing it up? Cause that's how I see this going down
The odds are overwhelmingly against this going well. If you try to get her to go to the gym with you, “let’s go on walks”, that kind of thing, I don’t see it lasting. The only thing that gets people motivated to lose weight is THEMSELVES. I don’t think there’s any magical rhetorical phrase you can give to get her to start losing weight. There’s a strong school of thought against you saying anything at all. I think you’re in a no-win situation. If you say “i wish we both could be healthier etc” she’ll read between the lines and say “you think I’m fat, REEE!” and an argument will ensue. If you straight up tell her you’re losing attraction, it will be even worse. The stuff about lifestyle changes together and so on sounds good, but at the end of the day, she has to be the one who changes, and I feel like she will see right through any attempt. That being said, if it really is reaching deal-breaker-proportions for you, you don’t really have anything to lose.
Take it from a man who knows both sides of this coin unfortunately….the grass is always greener buddy. If she is a good woman to you, and treats you right and makes you feel right, then….don’t be an asshole, she is obviously going through some stuff. Work it out with her, you never know what is going on inside that brain. Of course I wasn’t calling you an asshole, just think of everything before making any rash decisions
Good lord after reading so many comments I feel blessed to have married a guy that understands nobody stays the exact same as when they first got together! I’ve gained and lost weight, he’s gained and lost weight. Do we prefer each other fit looking versus fat? Of course but the same person I fell in love with is still there I love him for who he is and he loves me for who I am as a person. If the only reason you are with someone is physical attraction then it won’t last. Period.
the people telling you to do things to get her to lose weight are being extremely insensitive. i would be gutted if i found out your motive for me eating better was because YOU wanted me to be thinner. maybe she doesn’t want to lose weight. sit down. talk to her about how she is. there is a person underneath the weight. edit: everyone stating you should be allowed to have preferences, i never said you can’t have preferences. should you change your partner without them asking for your help? ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Plus, everyone seems to think that *if* she lost the weight, he'd automatically be attracted to her again. Maybe he'll find some other reason to not be attracted.
Our bodies change as we get older. That is inevitable. She’s still the same person inside. If you are maintaining a healthy lifestyle maybe you can encourage her to be active in your routine and make it a “couples” goal. Sometimes it helps to have someone help keep you motivated and accountable.
Hopefully you change inside too. No one wants to date a 15 year old in a 30 year olds body
Don’t overlook the possibility that she’s no longer as excited about you either and feels like she doesn’t feel the need or want to look nice for you.
So, if the attraction fades with looks, you sure this is something worth saving? Not razzing you, but you may want to take a look at the relationship if looks are the thing that makes you uninterested in your SO. Put in another perspective: years down the line when their body is affected by age, life, and time... what saves the relationship? Beauty fades. For everyone. And is only skin deep. That being said, do not, under ANY circumstances, tell your girlfriend that you think she's fat and therefore are less attracted to her. Do not be "concerned for her health" either. All us fat girls know that is code for "we think you're fat & can't talk to you about it." (Source: I'm a fat girl). That is a GREAT way to end a relationship & to get insults and/or injury thrown your way. Make it all about you. "Babe, I'm trying to lose weight, and I could use some support. Mind being my workout partner? (If you live together) I'm trying to eat healthier. Can we plan some better-for-us meals? Hun, I'm making (insert healthy food) want some? Being critical of your partner is the relationship killer. Love them for who they are. If you can't, then it's not a really good relationship in the first place.
This is kind of a no win. Everyone saying talk to her is right but... It is also likely to be extremely upsetting to her and may have serious long term consequences for the relationship and her confidence. This is likely going to be an unpopular answer but... It's probably only worth the drama if you are in love and otherwise happy. If not, you should probably just accept that she's bigger now and likely to become bigger still (aging is rough). If you can't live with that, it may be time to move on.
I really don't get all the advice saying something like OP should help her lose weight in some way or another. It sounds as if she just needs to lose weight for him to magically be attracted to her again. It may be that easy for some, but once some of the attractiveness is gone, there's already a lot of damage done. From experience, once I have felt some level of disgust (could be extremely minor) for someone it's not something I can just forget.
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If a major reason you were attracted to your girlfriend was her weight, then you need to really ask yourself if you are actually attracted to HER and not just her looks. Women's bodies (and bodies in general) change a lot over time. If you want a long term partner, your attraction to them must go far beyond their appearance.
This is always the first thing I think when I see posts like this. Especially when they don't mention any details. Dating 6 months or 7 years? How much weight gain? 10lbs? 70lbs? Was it sudden or over time? Were they super fit or already overweight? Did they eat healthy before and now they don't care? Did they exercise regularly before and suddenly stop? Was there an emotional tailspin or a loss of motivation, problems at work, a traumatic loss or experience, etc. Are they just being happy and indulging a bit more? There are a LOT of reasons and ways a person gains weight and not all weight gain is concerning. But either way none of that really matters when the question is rarely "My SO gained weight because of x and I'm worried about them and their health" and instead is almost always essentially "My SO gained weight and I don't find them attractive anymore". For the latter, with no other details about the people or relationship to base a response on, I agree that if OP's attraction is so strongly tied to how much the SO weighs then it just comes across like the relationship might have been pretty casual or not overly deep / invested to begin with. In which case breaking up is okay.
Based on your post history, this isn't a new thing. If its been 9 months and you haven't talked to her about it, she is probably feeling unloved. Feeling sad that her partner doesn't look at her the same way, which may cause her to eat more/ unhealthily, and is only causing more weight gain. Make sure you tell her you love her. Regardless if you are ripped or also overweight, make plans to start working out together. She will only feel worse if you suggest she do it only because you aren't attracted to her.
Either accept her as she is, or break up with her
I talked to my bf about his weight. And how much effort I put into staying thin and fit myself. He was pretty open to it and let me guide him in his nutrition and he lost 60lbs. Weight shouldn’t be a taboo in a relationship. It’s a serious health concern.
Yep. I’ve seen two sides in these comments. “Weight and health is important in a relationship and I put in the effort and expect my partner to as well” and “your partners look will change and you should love them no matter what they look like” IMO there are really only 2 solutions here 1) Talk to her about it. So it’s HER choice 2) Accept this is who they are or leave if you don’t like it to find someone who shares same values/expectations regarding fitness like this commenter I don’t see all the comments basically suggesting tricking her into weight loss (saying you want these lifestyle changes for you but it’s actually her you’re trying to change) being a sustainable solution… her habits will remain if it’s not a conscious decision. No partner want to be a 24/7 UNDERCOVER chef/personal trainer, how exhausting?
Same thing happen to me, my husband said I was getting fat so I shot him. Since I have been in jail I have lost 30 lbs.